♪ ♪
>> START THE CLOCK.
♪ ♪
>> Bill: THANK YOU, HOW ARE
YOU A QUESTION MARK [CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE]
SUCH A HAPPY MASK LESS CROWDED
WE HAVE HERE, IT'S WONDERFUL.
WE WERE OFF LAST WEEK I KNOW
YOU'RE STILL IN A GOOD MOOD
BECAUSE IT WAS A HOLIDAY WEEK.
WE HAD EASTER, WE HAD 4/20.
WHICH ONE DO YOU THINK I
CELEBRATE?
[LAUGHTER]
THEY ARE KIND OF ALIKE.
INSTEAD OF EGGS ON THE MORNING I
HUNT FOR THE LIGHTER.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THE OTHER THING PEOPLE ARE
CELEBRATING IS THEY LIFTED THE
MASK MANDATE IN AIRPLANES.
ON AIRPLANES WHERE YOU TAKE IT
OFF TO EAT, SO THE VIRUS CAN
NEVER ATTACK YOU THEN.
THEY WERE UNCOMFORTABLE, THEY
WERE POINTLESS AND THEY GOT
STUCK IN MIKE TYSON'S FIST --
YOU SAW THAT SHIT?
I GUESS EVERYONE HAS SEEN THIS
VIDEO, MIKE TYSON JUST WAILING
ON A GUY AND THE SAD PART, YOU
KNOW WHO THE GUY WAS?
CHRIS ROCK.
SO SAD.
THIS IS SUCH A SIGN OF THE
TIMES, NOW THE TONY AWARDS I
GUESS NEXT MONTH -- THE TONY
AWARDS HAD TO PUT OUT TODAY A
STRICT NO VIOLENCE POLICY, THE
TONY AWARDS.
AND A SUDDEN MOVEMENT, IT BETTER
BE JAZZ HANDS.
-- THE TONY AWARDS?
I FEEL LIKE THE COUNTRY IS KIND
OF COMING APART.
HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THE
JOHNNY DEPP -- AMBER HEARD?
I'M STARTING TO THINK I MAY NOT
WANT TO GET MARRIED.
WE ARE READING THE TEXTS COME OF
THE TEXTS FROM JOHNNY, HE SAYS I
HOPE HER ROTTING CORPSE IS IT
DECOMPOSING IN THE FUCKING TRUNK
OF A HONDA CIVIC.
AND THEN THINGS GOT NASTY.
ALSO -- WHY BRING A HONDA CIVIC
HONDA CIVIC -- HONDA IS LIKE WHY
US?
SHE COULD BE IN ANY CAR.
I CAN'T AND I CAN'T EVEN.
TALK ABOUT CAN'T EVEN, SHE PUT
SHIT IN HIS BED.
AMBER HEARD IS A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
AND I HAVE HEARD OF PHRASE I
WOULDN'T KICK HER OUT OF BED FOR
EATING CRACKERS BUT THIS IS
GOING TOO FAR.
THIS IS HOW MARRIED COUPLES
COMMUNICATE NOW?
YOU PUT SHIT IN THE BED?
WHAT I'M HEARING IS YOU DIDN'T
LIKE THE CHICKEN A LA KING.
TUCKER CARLSON HAS THE ANSWER TO
THIS, DID YOU SEE THIS?
HE'S VENTURING INTO THE BATTLE
OF THE SEXES, HE HAS A NEW
DOCUMENTARY IT'S GETTING ALL
THIS PRESS, IT'S CALLED THE END
OF MEN BECAUSE TESTOSTERONE
LEVELS ARE GOING DOWN -- WHICH
THEY ARE, THAT IS TRUE, HE SAYS
ONE OF THE CURES FOR THIS -- MEN
SHOULD TAN THEIR TESTICLES.
I'VE BEEN ONTO THIS SHIT FOR
YEARS.
IT'S FANTASTIC, THE ONLY PROBLEM
IS I GET A TAN LINE BETWEEN
WHERE MY BALLS ARE TOWN AND MY
ASSHOLE IS BLEACHED IT'S NOT
SMOOTH, IT DOESN'T LOOK SEAMLES
SEAMLESS.
WHAT IS IT WITH THIS COUNTRY,
NOBODY CAN GET IT RIGHT OR KILL
YOU SO WHAT'S GOING ON NOW THIS
WEEK IN THE CONTINUING SAGA OF
DISNEY VERSUS FLORIDA?
FIRST DISNEY -- THEY WEREN'T
SUPPORTIVE ENOUGH OF GAYS, THE
REPUBLICANS ALL OVER THEM.
TED CRUZ SAID IF DISNEY GETS ITS
WAY, NEXT THING WE WILL BE
SEEING CARTOONS OF MICKEY AND
PLUTO GOING AT IT, HE SAID
THAT -- I SWEAR.
I REMEMBER WHEN GAY MARRIAGE WAS
FIRST THING, ONE OF THE
REPUBLICAN TALKING POINTS WAS IF
WE ALLOW THAT, PEOPLE WILL MARRY
DOGS WHICH OF COURSE NEVER
HAPPENED.
NOW THEIR NEW ANGLE IS CARTOON
DOGS IS WHAT WE HAVE TO WORRY
ABOUT.
[LAUGHTER]
THEY ACT LIKE THERE'S A SIGN
WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO DISNEYLAND
THAT SAYS YOU MUST BE THIS TALL
TO HAVE GENDER REASSIGNMENT
SURGERY AND THERE'S NOT.
[APPLAUSE]
THEY WANT TO TAKE AWAY ALL OF
THEIR RIGHTS IN FLORIDA, THEY
ARE LIKE THE VATICAN.
THE OTHER THEME PARKS HAVE TAKEN
NOTICE.
UNIVERSAL STUDIOS HAS A NEW RIDE
CALLED "HARRY POTTER LOVES
PUSSY."
ROUGH WEEK FOR MEDIA COMPANIES.
DISNEY MIGHT HAVE TO MOVE OUT OF
FLORIDA?
CNN PLUS -- YOU SAW THAT SHIT?
THEY DISAPPEARED IN TWO WEEKS,
NETFLIX LOST MILLIONS OF
SUBSCRIBERS FOR REASON WE
UNDERSTAND, MORE COMPETITION,
INFLATION, ALL PEOPLE NOTICING
SUPERHERO MOVIES ARE EXACTLY THE
SAME.
AND YOUNG PEOPLE UNDERSTANDING
THEY DON'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH
THE NETFLIX AND CHILL CHARADE,
THEY CAN JUST SAY "DO YOU WANT
TO COME OVER AND FUCK?
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
FINAL STORY, KEVIN McCARTHY --
YOU SAW THIS.
HE'S THE HOUSE LEADER, THE TAPE
CAME OUT TWITCHY AT FIRST DENIED
OF COURSE I LOVE THIS THAT SHE
DENIES IT.
RIGHT AFTER JANUARY 6TH, THE
ATTACK ON THE CAPITAL, THE
REPUBLICANS WERE MAD ABOUT IT
AND HE WAS GOING TO CALL TRUMP
AND TELL HIM THIS IS NOT
ACCEPTABLE YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE
TO RESIGN AND HE SAID NO, KEVIN
McCARTHY SAID I NEVER SAID
THAT, THEN THEY CAME OUT WITH
THE TAPE, THEY FOUND IT TO COME
EXACTLY WHAT YOU TOLD YOUR
FRIEND, I'M GOING TO TELL HIM
HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO RESIGN AND
HE GOT ON THE PHONE WITH TRUMP,
YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB, BOSS.
I THINK HE NEEDS TUCKER
CARLSON'S MAGICAL TESTICLE LAMP.
OKAY, WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW,
MARY KATHARINE HAM AND CAITLIN
FLANAGAN ARE HERE, BUT FIRST.
HE'S THE EMMY WINNING WRITER AND
ACTOR WHO STARS IN "BETTER CALL
SAUL" WHICH PREMIERED THIS WEEK
ON AMC, AND THE NY TIMES
BESTSELLING AUTHOR OF HIS NEW
MEMOIR, "COMEDY COMEDY COMEDY
DRAMA": BOB ODENKIRK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ ♪
HUG IT OUT.
>> IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU!
>> Bill: I WAS THRILLED.
>> THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME ON,
YOU WERE ALWAYS SUCH A GREAT
SUPPORTER OF ME AND DAVID DOING
OUR MR. SHOW ON HBO.
DOES ANYONE REMEMBER?
COME ON, STUDY OR COMEDY, STUDY.
>> FOR YOUTUBE IT.
THAT SHOW -- I WAS THE BIGGEST
FAN, YOU HAD LEGIONS OF FANS FOR
THAT SHOW, ONE THING ABOUT THAT
WHICH MIGHT NOT WORK ON YOUTUBE,
YOUTUBE SHOWS SNIPPETS.
THE GREAT THING ABOUT YOUR SHOW
UNLIKE EVERY OTHER SKETCH SHOW,
ALL THE SKETCHES WERE CONNECTED.
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" DOES ONE
SKETCH AND ANOTHER ONE IS A
COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SKETCH.
>> FIRSTERS FIVE COMMERCIALS.
>> Bill: YOURS -- EVERYONE I
THOUGHT THAT WAS GENIUS AND
INNOVATIVE.
>> WE WERE TRYING TO COPY PYTHO
PYTHON.
THEY HAD ANIMATIONS BUT WE WOULD
MAKE A SKETCH GO INTO THE NEXT
SKETCH TO KEEP THAT ENERGY GOING
AND KEEP THINGS SILLY.
IT WAS GREAT FUN TO DO, I THINK
WE DID IT RIGHT A COUPLE TIMES,
WE DID 33 SHOWS -- THAT'S ALL,
WE PACKED A LOT OF IDEAS INTO
THEM AND THERE'S A GREAT EPISODE
WHERE MEDIOCRITY IS A MONSTER
THAT COURSES THROUGH THE WHOLE
EPISODE.
>> IT WORKED ON A LEVEL I HAVE
NEVER SEEN BEFORE AND NOT TO SAY
OTHER SKETCH SHOWS AREN'T GOOD,
YOU WORKED ON "SNL."
>> I WORKED ON "SNL."
>> Bill: IT'S INTERESTING,
THERE'S A ROSTER OF REALLY
IMPRESSIVE PEOPLE WHO HAVE
WORKED ON "SNL" AND BOMBED
OUT -- LARRY DAVID, SARAH
SILVERMAN, DEARLY DEPARTED
GILBERT GOTTFRIED, YOU, ZACH
GALIFIANAKIS, JULIA
LOUIS-DREYFUS.
IS NOT TO SAY THAT PEOPLE WHO WE
HAVE SEEN ON THE SHOW WEREN'T
ALSO FANTASTIC BECAUSE THEY
WERE.
IT'S LIKE THERE'S TWO DIFFERENT
TYPES OF PEOPLE IN COMEDY.
WHAT DO YOU THINK MAKES THE
DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE KIND OF
PERSON WHO SURVIVES AND THRIVES
ON A SHOW LIKE "SNL" AND THOSE
WHO DON'T?
>> I THINK I'M PARTICULARLY
DANGEROUS AND INTELLIGENT.
ON THE WONDERFUL BRAIN, I'M
UNIQUE AND SPECIAL.
NO, THEY ARE BETTER THAN ME AND
I'M SLOWER THAN THEM AND THAT'S
WHAT IT IS.
THAT SHOW HAS THESE DEMANDS AND
NEEDS THAT TO SATISFY THE
AUDIENCE WITH A BIG, BIG
PRESENTATION AND A CONFIDENCE
AND I JUST DIDN'T HAVE THAT.
>> Bill: IT'S BROADER -- IT'S
JUST BROADER.
>> I LIKE BROAD COMEDY TOO, I
JUST COULDN'T DO IT.
I WAS TOO YOUNG.
A LOT OF PEOPLE -- THAT'S THEIR
FIRST JOB AND THEY DON'T KNOW
THEIR VOICE YET AND THE SHOWS
DEMANDS ARE SO IMMEDIATE AND
INTENSE, YOU DO IT EVERY WEEK
YOU'VE GOT TO PUT IT TOGETHER IN
TWO DAYS AND I COULDN'T PULL IT
OFF.
I WAS THERE FOR THREE AND A HALF
YEARS, I LEARNED EVERYTHING I
KNOW THERE, I GOT PAID FOR BEING
THERE AND THEY GOT NOTHING OUT
OF ME.
I WROTE THE MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER
BUT THAT WAS THE YEAR AFTER I
LEFT.
>> Bill: GOT A LOT OF OUT OF OUF
YOU.
>> TOOK WHAT I LEARNED AND I
CAME TO L.A. AND I MADE A
CAREER.
>> Bill: I THINK THIS ALSO HAS
TO DO, YOU THINK THERE SHOULD BE
AN ELEMENT OF ANGER IN COMEDY.
>> FOR ME, ABSOLUTELY.
>> Bill: NOT THAT IT CAN'T BE
SILLY, WE LIKE THAT TOO.
BUT I'M THE SAME WAY YOU ARE,
THE BEST KIND OF COMEDY HAS
THAT, THERE'S A LITTLE
NUTRITIOUS VALUE THAT DOESN'T
EXIST EVERYWHERE.
>> IT DOESN'T END WITH EVERYBODY
GOING WE'RE JUST KIDDING, IT'S
ALL OKAY, IT'S GOT A LITTLE EDGE
AND I NEEDED THAT AND I LOVED IT
AND THAT'S WHAT I SAW IN
MONTY PYTHON AND EVEN IN "SNL"
AND MANY SKETCHES, CERTAINLY THE
EARLY "SNL," IT WAS A
GENERATIONAL THING THE FIRST
COUPLE OF YEARS, IF YOU WANT
PART OF THAT GENERATION, YOU
DIDN'T GET IT AND I LOVE THAT, I
LOVE THAT IN COMEDY, I LOVE THAT
THERE IS A SHOW THAT YOU HAVE TO
FIND YOUR WAY INTO THE BRAIN OF
THE PEOPLE WHO MADE IT.
>> Bill: AND YET YOU NEVER
WANTED TO BE A STAND-UP.
>> BILL, YOU ARE A STAND-UP AND
YOU'RE A GREAT STAND-UP.
>> Bill: FINISHED YOUR
THOUGHTS.
>> YOU REALLY ARE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: HAVE YOU SEEN MY
LATEST SPECIAL?
IT'S RUNNING NOW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> THIS IS MY GUEST TONIGHT,
BILL MAHER, HE'S GOT A SPECIAL.
[LAUGHTER]
THANK YOU, YOU CAN GO NOW.
>> Bill: THANK YOU, IT'S SO
GREAT TO BE HERE.
>> I CAME UP IN CHICAGO DURING
THE COMEDY BOOM WHICH YOU MUST
REMEMBER, YOU STARTED THEN,
RIGHT?
>> Bill: LATE 70s, EARLY
80s, EVERY CITY INCLUDING
MIDSIZE CITIES IN AMERICA HAD
MULTIPLE COMEDY CLUBS.
IT WAS GREAT FOR A LITTLE WHILE
LIKE ANYTHING AND THEN WE RUINED
IT.
>> I COULDN'T HANDLE THE
CONFRONTATIONAL NATURE OF
STAND-UP.
A LOT OF TIMES A STAND-UP SHOW
IS A FIGHT BETWEEN THE AUDIENCE
AND THE PERFORMER AND I WAS
ALWAYS OF THE FEELING THAT I
WOULD GET OUT THERE, I WOULD
START MY ACT IF THEY DIDN'T LIKE
IT TO HIM I LIKE OKAY, BYE.
YOU DON'T LIKE THIS, THERE'S
OTHER PEOPLE.
>> Bill: THAT'S WHAT LARRY
DAVID USED TO DO.
>> I REMEMBER SEEING HIM, IT WAS
SO MUCH FUN.
>> Bill: THERE'S A CERTAIN
GENIUS THAT IS EMBEDDED IN THAT,
YOUR IMPATIENT WITH THE AUDIENCE
BEING TOO BROAD.
>> OR DRUNK.
>> Bill: WHICH MAKES YOU
STUPIDER AND NOT BEING ABLE TO
APPRECIATE THE SUBTLETY OF WHAT
YOU WERE DOING.
IF YOU WORK ON A LEVEL
SOMETIMES -- DO YOU REMEMBER THE
TIME THAT YOU ALMOST KILLED ME?
[LAUGHTER]
YOU ALMOST KILLED ME IN ASPEN,
IT WAS ON ASPEN COMEDY FESTIVAL
FOR MANY YEARS, WE HAD TO GO
EVERY YEAR I FUCKING HATED IT.
ASPEN IN FEBRUARY, SKIING, I
DON'T SKI COME I DON'T WANT TO
SKI, IT'S COLD, I DON'T WANT TO
DIE IN A TREE.
THE AIR IS THIN, I NEVER SLEPT,
IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.
YOU COULDN'T BREATHE AND YOU DID
THIS BIT -- WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE
BOOTH OR SOMETHING.
>> ALL THE DIFFERENT SHOWS YOU
COULD GO TO.
>> I FORGET WHY YOU WERE DOING
IT OR WHAT YOU WERE DOING, BUT
YOU DID THIS BIT WHERE YOU ARE
ROBERT EVANS.
ROBERT EVANS AS GOD.
I REMEMBER WATCHING STANDING IN
THIS TENT AND I WAS LAUGHING SO
HARD AND I THOUGHT OH FUCK, I'M
GOING TO DIE AT A COMEDY
FESTIVAL.
FROM COMEDY BY ANOTHER COMEDIAN.
>> JESUS COME MY SON, YOU LET ME
DOWN.
>> Bill: PEOPLE HAVE TO KNOW
WHO BOB EVANS IS.
>> I THINK THE CADENCE AND THE
VOICE IS FUNNY.
IT'S JUST THAT GOD HAS A HUGE
EGO, DIDN'T I DO A GOOD JOB WITH
THE WORLD?
I TRIED TO.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S A GREAT WAY OF THINKING
ABOUT GOD, HE'S GRINNING AND
HAPPY, HE ACKNOWLEDGES ALL THE
PROBLEMS IN THE WORLD THERE GO
>> Bill: FOR THOSE WHO DON'T
KNOW, ROBERT EVANS WAS THIS BIG
PRODUCER, GODFATHER, CHINATOWN,
HE WAS ALSO THIS LARGER THAN
LIFE FIGURE HAD A BOOK OUT AT
THE TIME CALLED THE KID STAYS IN
THE PICTURE AND THE AUDIO
VERSION, TAPES BACK THEN WE PUT
IN YOUR CAR YOU WOULD LISTEN TO
IT AND IT WAS JUST THE VOICE YOU
DID ABOUT HIS MALIBU LIFE.
KNOW I'VE RUINED IT BY
EXPLAINING IT.
>> BASEBALL PLAYERS, DO ME A
FAVOR, DON'T PRAY TO ME
THROUGHOUT THE WHOLE GAME.
[LAUGHTER]
I'M PROBABLY NOT A FAN OF YOUR
TEAM, I GOT IN OTHER GAMES ON
TV.
>> Bill: YOU SHOULD REVIVE
THAT.
>> I SHOULD DO T THE WHOLE THIN.
THAT'S THE OTHER REASON STAND-UP
WAS SO HARD FOR ME I COULDN'T
TELL MY JOKES MORE THAN TWICE
WITHOUT HATING THEM.
IT WOULD BE A GOOD JOKE AND THE
SECOND TIME I TOLD THAT I BE
LIKE I TOLD IT -- TELL EACH
OTHER.
GO SPREAD THAT WORD AROUND.
A STAND-UP, A REAL PRO HAS TO BE
ABLE TO DO THAT TIGHT 20, THAT
CORE -- I DON'T KNOW IF YOU DO
THAT BUT I WAS ALWAYS WORKING AT
A TIGHT ZERO.
[LAUGHTER]
IT TOOK ME A LONG TIME BUT I GOT
THERE.
>> Bill: I DO A TIGHT 90, I
DON'T DO 20s ANYMORE.
>> YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, THAT
CORE MATERIAL THAT YOU BRING
THROUGH YOU THROUGH THE YEARS.
>> Bill: I FOUND THE SECRET IS
PEOPLE SAY ARE YOU ONE TOUR --
I'M NEVER ON TOUR.
I DO TO GO SHOWS, SATURDAY AND
SUNDAY, I GO HOME FOR A MONTH,
THAN I DO TO GO MORE.
THAT WAY, IT'S NEW BUT I'M STILL
FRESH.
>> YOU DO HAPPEN TO HAVE A TV
SHOW I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW
ABOUT THAT.
>> Bill: HIGH KNOW, AND A
PODCAST NOW.
I FIND IT BITTERSWEET THAT WE
ARE AT THE AGE NOW BECAUSE YOUR
BOOK -- FANTASTIC BOOK, COMEDY
COMEDY COMEDY DRAMA.
WE ARE AT THE AGE NOW WHERE WE
ARE IMPARTING WISDOM.
>> I WISH I HAD MORE.
>> Bill: YOU WOULDN'T HAVE
WRITTEN THE BOOK WHEN YOU WERE
35, HE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH
WISDOM, NOW YOU HAVE WISDOM AND
YOU ARE IMPARTING IT'S.
>> I'M TRYING TO COME I WISH I
LEARNED MORE BUT THE LITTLE BIT
I LEARNED IS IN THERE.
GOOD LUCK FINDING IT BUT I DID,
MOSTLY IT'S A BOOK ABOUT --
THANKS.
IT'S MOSTLY A BOOK ABOUT MAKING
YOU NOT QUIT, IT'S SHOWBIZ, IT'S
A NUMBERS GAME AND IF YOU KEEP
AT IT, YOU KEEP LOOKING FOR
OPPORTUNITIES AND WONDERFUL
OPPORTUNITIES WITH BETTER CALL
SAUL IS SOMETHING I'D NEVER
PURSUED AND IT CAME TO ME, IT'S
CRAZY.
>> Bill: YOU NEVER READ FOR
IT, RIGHT?
>> I NEVER READ FOR IT, I TOOK
AN ACTING CLASS.
DON'T TELL ANYONE.
>> Bill: TELL THEM ALL BECAUSE
THEY ARE THEIR MONEY.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
TO NAME ANOTHER COMEDIAN FROM
OUR PAST, RICHARD BELZER.
HE NEVER READ FOR THE PART THAT
HE GOT THAT HE PLAYED FOR SO
LONG ON WHATEVER THE FUCK THAT
SHOW -- LAW AND ORDER.
HE WAS DETECTIVE MUNCH IN MANY
VERSIONS OF THE SHOW, BARRY
LEVINSON THE DIRECTOR, SAME
THING WITH YOU.
SMART, CREATIVE DIRECTOR KNOWS
THIS COMEDY GUY WITH THAT MIND
HE'S GOING TO BE MORE
INTERESTING THAN AN ACTOR, I
DON'T HAVE TO SEE HIM AUDITION,
I JUST KNOW.
THEY LOVE DEAL.
>> LIKE 14 YEARS LATER I'VE BEEN
PLAYING THIS GUY FOREVER.
>> Bill: NOW IT'S COMING TO AN
END.
>> THIS IS THE FINAL SEASON
RIGHT NOW.
IT'S OUR BEST SEASON, IT HAS
BEEN AN AMAZING RIDE TO.
>> BOTH SHOWS HAVE GIVEN US SO
MUCH GREAT ENTERTAINMENT, WE
THANK YOU FOR IT.
BOB DYLAN KIRK!
IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
I'LL BE YOUR CARL REINER.
LET'S MEET OUR PANEL!
SHE'S A CNN COMMENTATOR AND
CO-HOST OF THE TWICE-WEEKLY
PODCAST, "GETTING HAMMERED":
MARY KATHARINE HAM.
I LOVE THE TITLE.
[LAUGHTER]
SHE'S A STAFF WRITER AT THE
ATLANTIC AND AUTHOR OF "GIRL
LAND": CAITLIN FLANAGAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE,
THERE'S A LOT GOING ON IN THE
WORLD WE ARE GOING TO TRY TO GET
TO A LOT OF IT.
THEY SAY ALL POLITICS IS LOCAL
AND THERE'S NOTHING MORE LOCAL
THAN YOUR FACE.
I'M TALKING ABOUT THE MASKS.
>> RIGHT TO.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: OF ALL THE THINGS
GOING ON IN THE WORLD THE THING
THAT PEOPLE ARE THINKING ABOUT
BECAUSE PEOPLE FLY A LOT, THEY
ARE ON PLANES, I SAW VIDEOS OF
PEOPLE ERUPTING IN CHEERS THAT
THEY DON'T HAVE TO WEAR A MASK
ON THE PLANE ANYMORE.
THERE'S ALSO GOAT YOU HEAR FROM
THE PEOPLE WILL DIE CROWD AND
THEY ARE RIGHT, PEOPLE WILL DIE,
PEOPLE WILL ALWAYS DIE OR KILL
HIM I'M AGAINST PEOPLE DYING BUT
THEY ARE ALWAYS GOING TO DIE.
YOU ACTUALLY CAN'T STOP IT AND
THE MASKS WE FINDING OUT A
PARTICULARLY INEFFECTIVE WAY OF
STOPPING IT.
I WISH IT DIDN'T HAVE TO BE
POLITICAL BECAUSE I SEE A LOT OF
PEOPLE ON THE NEWS SAYING I'M
STILL GOING TO WEAR IT -- IT
BECOMES AN AMULET AND A SYMBOL
OF YOUR PARTY AND IT SHOULD JUST
BE ABOUT THE SCIENCE.
>> WITH THE SYMBOL OF OUR
STUPIDITY THAT WE WOULD TURN
SOMETHING LIKE THAT INTO AN
AMULET.
>> Bill: I UNDERSTAND WHY
PEOPLE FEEL THAT WAY BUT WHEN I
SEE YOUNG PEOPLE WALKING ALONE
OUTSIDE WITH THE MASK, I WANT TO
PUNCH THEM, I DO.
>> WE ARE MAKING PPE PERSONAL
AGAIN, THAT'S WHAT WE'RE DOING.
PERSONAL PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT.
THE WORD WAS FOR THE WHOLE
PANDEMIC THAT YOUR MASK PROTECTS
ME AND FIND PROTECTS YOU -- NOW
"THE NEW YORK TIMES" AND OTHER
MEDIA OUTLETS AND HEALTH
OFFICIALS ARE DOING NOW IT CAN
BE TOLD WHERE THEY TELL YOU THE
THING RIGHT-WINGERS AND OPEN
SCHOOL ADVOCATES HAVE BEEN
BITCHING ABOUT FOR SIX MONTHS IS
ACTUALLY TRUE.
THE MASK CAN PROTECT YOU AND
THERE IS A LIMIT TO HOW LONG WE
CAN GO BEFORE WE MODULATE TO A
NEW FORM OF LIVING.
WE HAVE NEW TOOLS, WE HAVE
KNOWLEDGE ABOUT THIS VIRUS, WE
HAVE NEW VENTILATION SYSTEMS,
PLANES ARE GOOD TO.
WE KNOW THAT MASKS ARE A
MINIMALLY HELPFUL TOOL.
WE TOLD A LOT OF PEOPLE THEY
WERE MAXIMALLY HELPFUL AND THAT
WAS A BAD IDEA ESPECIALLY FOR
THE VULNERABLE.
>> Bill: WHEN THEY GET WHEN
THEY SAID WE DON'T HAVE TO WEAR
IT WHILE YOU'RE EATING?
OR I SEE THE BASKETBALL PLAYERS
PLAYING, GOUGING EACH OTHER'S
EYES OUT AND THEN THEY GO TO THE
BENCH AND THEY PUT THE MASK
ON -- "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE,"
THEY DO THE SKETCHES, THEN AT
THE END THEY SAY GOOD NIGHT THEY
HAVE THE MASK ON.
WHAT WORLD AM I LIVING IN WHERE
PEOPLE ARE NOT SEEING THIS
INSANITY?
>> IN THE VERY BEGINNING EVEN
THE CDC SAID YOU BETTER NOT WEAR
A MASK BECAUSE HE WILL TRAP THE
COVID CLOSE TO YOUR FACE BECAUSE
HE WILL DIE INSTANTLY THAT WAY.
I'VE HAD CANCER, THEY ALWAYS SAY
WEAR A MASK, YOU'LL BE SAFER,
THEN THEY WERE JUST LYING, THEY
WERE TRYING TO SAVE THE MASKS.
AND THEY ARE LIKE WHY HAVE YOU
LOST FAITH IN AMERICA'S
INSTITUTIONS -- BECAUSE YOU LIED
TO A SET OF OR THE SCARY TIME
AND WE COULD'VE HANDLED THE
TRUTH.
>> Bill: WHAT I FIND SO SAD IS
I WAS AT THE MALL --
[LAUGHTER]
WE WERE OFF LAST WEEK, I HADN'T
BEEN TO A MALL IN A LONG TIME, I
FELT LIKE THE MERMAID FROM
SPLASH.
I WAS LIKE CAN YOU JUST TAKE
CASH?
I'M OLD AND RICH, TAKE THE CASH
COME I CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT, IT
WAS VERY SAD TO.
WHAT WAS REALLY SAD, THIS IS
CENTURY CITY, A LOT OF IT WAS
OUTSIDE, THE ONLY PEOPLE WEARING
MASKS WERE LIKE 20, THAT'S WHO
IS WEARING THE MASK, THE PEOPLE
LEAST LIKELY TO DIE FROM IT.
I FEEL LIKE THEY HAVE BEEN
INDOCTRINATED IN A WAY --
>> THE ONLY PEOPLE LESS LIKELY
ARE THE TODDLERS WE MASK
INCESSANTLY.
AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PANDEMIC
THE WORD WAS STAY SAFE, STAY
HOME, THAT'S A VERY SIMPLE
PUBLIC HEALTH MESSAGE BUT IT
ACTUALLY DISCOURAGED AND EVEN
DEMONIZED YOUR RATIONAL RISK
ANALYSIS FOR YOURSELF WHICH IS
SOMETHING WE HAVE TO BE ENGAGED
IN.
WE HAVE TO DECIDE WHAT IS MY
RISK LEVEL, 2-YEAR-OLDS DON'T
HAVE THE SAME RISK LEVEL IS
88-YEAR-OLDS.
THAT'S JUST NOT TRUE, BEING
INDOORS DOESN'T HAVE THE SAME
RISK LEVEL IS BEING OUTDOORS BUT
SEEMINGLY ALL THE OPPOSITE
THINGS, GET THE KIDS OUT OF
SCHOOL WHO ARE THE LEAST
VULNERABLE, CLOSE THE PARKS AND
THE HIKING TRAILS WHICH IS A
THING THAT WE DID AND HAVE
INDOOR-OUTDOOR SPACES THAT ARE
JUST INDOOR AGAIN WHERE YOU CAN
TAKE YOUR MASK OFF.
IS NOT TRUSTWORTHY, THAT'S THE
PROBLEM.
>> Bill: I DON'T KNOW HOW A
COUNTRY THIS DUMB CAN SURVIVE.
>> IT SHOWS HOW GREAT WE ARE
THAT WE CAN BE THIS DUMB AND WE
ARE HERE AND WE SURVIVED.
>> Bill: THE COMPETITION IS
THIN, IT IS, IT'S TRUE.
WHEN I SAW THE KIDS WITH THE
MASK SO I COULD THINK OF WAS
ANXIETY AND RIGHT ON CUE I'M
READING JONATHAN HATES NEW
ARTICLE ABOUT WHY WE HAVE THIS
LEVEL OF ANXIETY AMONG TEENAGERS
COME OFF THE CHARTS.
THIS IS WHAT I READ -- 44% OF
HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS SAID THEY
FELT SAD OR HOPELESS.
A LITTLE PERSPECTIVE, ALL MY
YEAR 17 I WAS SAD AND HOPELESS.
BECAUSE I GOT DUMPED.
WHEN YOU'RE A KID, YOU DON'T SEE
ANYTHING COMING AND EVERYTHING
IS THE WORST THING THAT COULD
EVER -- SOME OF THAT IS THAT.
WHEN YOU'RE A TEENAGER YOU'RE
GOING TO BE SAD AND HOPELESS ALL
THE TIME.
ALSO A 40% INCREASE IN SUCH
FEELINGS IN THE LAST TEN YEARS,
THEY WERE LOOKING FOR THE
REASONS WHY THE KIDS -- THE CDC
IS LOOKING INTO THIS.
29% LOST JOBS, THE PARENTS LOST
JOBS IN THE PANDEMIC.
WE HAVEN'T TALLIED UP ALL THOSE
KINDS OF NEGATIVES.
>> PUBLIC HEALTH IS A KIND OF
HEALTH TOO AND I THINK FOR
ADOLESCENTS, A LITTLE LEEWAY 20
YEARS OLD WITH THE MASKS ON,
REALLY FRIGHTENED THESE KIDS AND
WE TOOK A LOT AWAY FROM THEM.
THEY REALLY WERE LIVING AT 14-15
YEARS OLD WITH THIS IDEA THAT
THEY MIGHT DIE AND THEIR PARENTS
MIGHT DIE, THEY WERE COMPLETELY
ISOLATED.
I THINK -- THERE'S A WHOLE
GENERATION WE ARE GOING TO HAVE
TO LOOK OUT FOR BECAUSE WE DID
SOMETHING PRETTY TERRIBLE TO
THEM.
>> I HAVE AN IDEA -- THE SCHOOLS
WERE CLOSED FOR A FUCKING YEAR
AND ALL THE MAJOR BLUE CITIES,
THEY WERE CLOSED FOR A YEAR TO
IN PERSON LEARNING, KIDS LOST
THE STRUCTURE, THEY LOST
FRIENDS, THEY LOST ALL THEIR
EXTRA CURRICULAR'S, SPORTS,
THINGS THAT MAKE THEM HEALTHIER,
PLACES OF WORSHIP.
THEY LOST ALL OF THOSE THINGS
AND THEY WERE TOLD EVEN THOUGH
THEY WERE SUPER LOW RISK THAT
THEY WERE IN DANGER OF DYING OR
IN DANGER OF KILLING THEIR
GRANDMA NATI AND THEY SHOULDN'T
COMPLAIN ABOUT IT, THAT IS A BAD
MESSAGE FOR CHILDREN AND IT HURT
A LOT OF THEM.
>> Bill: IT BOTHERS ME BECAUSE
IT'S FAKE.
I'M NOT SAYING THERE ARE SOME
PEOPLE WHO LIVE WITH THEIR
GRANDMA'S BUT THIS IS A COUNTRY
UNLIKE MOST COUNTRIES IN THE
WORLD THAT DOES NOT INVITE THE
ELDERLY INTO OUR OWN HOMES.
HOW MANY OF YOU YOUNG PEOPLE WHO
WERE SO WORRIED ABOUT GIVING IT
TO GRANDMA LIVE WITH YOUR
GRANDMA?
>> IT DISPROPORTIONALLY HIT
PEOPLE -- IN THE MIDDLE CLASS
THE GATED COMMUNITY, I CAN'T
WAIT TO GET TO ONE, IT SOUNDS
FANTASTIC -- I THINK THERE ARE A
LOT OF LOWER INCOME -- MEALS ARE
TAKING CARE OF.
THIS A LOT OF LOW INCOME KIDS IN
AMERICA WHERE GRANDMA REALLY
TAKES CARE OF THEM, IT DOESN'T
JUST CARETAKING BUT IT'S THE
PERSON WHO LOVES THEM THE MOST
AND I THINK THEY HAVE HAD A HUGE
LOSS.
>> Bill: THERE DOES EXIST THAT
BUT ALSO SOMETHING DISINGENUOUS
ABOUT THAT, PRETENDING THAT WE
ARE SHARING OUR LIVES WITH
ELDERLY PEOPLE WHO ARE
SEGREGATED FROM OUR LIVES.
YOU GO TO LONDON AND PEOPLE
DRINK DIFFERENT AGES IN THE SAME
PUB, UNIVERSITY PEOPLE OF
DIFFERENT AGES IN A BAR IN
AMERICA.
>> WE DID SEGREGATE THEM INTO
ANDREW CUOMO'S REST HOMES WHICH
WAS A BAD IDEA COME ALL THE
COVID POSITIVE ONES.
I THINK THERE IS A LIMIT ON
POWER HERE AND A LIMIT ON WHAT
PUBLIC HEALTH CAN DO, THEY SELL
THE MESSAGE THEY COULDN'T MAKE
GOOD ON AND FAUCI COMES OUT THIS
WEEK AGAIN AND I'M NOT GOING TO
DO THE ACCENT AND HATE CRIME
ITALIAN AMERICANS -- WHO SAYS
THE COURT SHOULDN'T BE TELLING
ME WHAT TO DO, I'M THE UNELECTED
HEALTH OFFICIAL.
THAT'S NOT HOW THE POWER
STRUCTURE WORKS IN THIS COUNTRY
AND THEY MADE PROMISES THEY
COULDN'T KEEP AND THEY TOLD
PEOPLE THEY COULD KEEP THEM FROM
DYING, THIS IS AN EVER PRESENT
THREAT.
WHEN THE MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS
HAPPENED FOR THESE YOUNG
CHILDREN, THE CDC AND ALL THE
HEALTH OFFICIALS IN THE SCHOOL
OFFICIALS WHO TOLD US CLOSING
SCHOOLS WOULD BE NO BIG DEAL AND
LEARNING LOSS WAS NOT A THING
AND PUTTING THEM ON ZOOM -- THEY
TELL US THEY'RE GOING TO FIX THE
MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS.
I LOOK AT THE SURGEON GENERAL'S
REPORT THAT CAME OUT ABOUT THE
YOUTH MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS IN
DECEMBER.
CLOSING SCHOOLS FOR A YEAR IS
LITERALLY A FOOTNOTE IN THIS
REPORT AND IF YOU CAN'T DEAL
WITH THAT FAILURE, THEN YOU
CAN'T FIX THE PROBLEM.
>> Bill: YOU CAN'T FIX THE
PROBLEM IF YOU DON'T LEVEL WITH
THE PEOPLE AND SAY IT'S A VIRUS,
IT'S ALREADY EVERYWHERE, WE ARE
BREATHING IT RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE
SOAKING IN IT.
VIRUSES ARE IN THE AIR, YOU HAVE
TO WIN THIS BATTLE INTERNALLY.
>> A LOT OF THE PROBLEM AS IT
STARTED WITH TRUMP AND HE WAS
LYING TO US AND THE PEOPLE WHO
SEEMED MORE SINCERE WITH THE
ONES WHO WEREN'T SAYING IT WAS
GOING TO BE OVER BY EASTER, YOU
HAD ONE OF THE OTHER TO BELIEVE
IN AND WE FOLLOWED IN THAT
TRADITION AND ENDED UP WHERE WE
DID.
>> IT WAS FINE TO BELIEVE THAT
IN THE BEGINNING AND THE
SHIFTING WAS THE PART THAT
COULDN'T HAPPEN AND FOR A LOT OF
PEOPLE IT COULDN'T HAPPEN
BECAUSE ORANGE MAN BAD WAS
SAYING THE OPPOSITE THING.
>> Bill: IT'S ALWAYS THAT.
ONE MORE NOTE ABOUT ANXIETY IN
AMERICA, THIS STORY, I DON'T
USUALLY READ THESE INTERESTING
PERSONAL PIECES PLUS A KENTUCKY
MAN WHO WAS FIRED DAYS AFTER HE
HAD A PANIC ATTACK AT HIS
WORKPLACE OVER AN UNWANTED
BIRTHDAY PARTY WAS AWARDED FOUR
$150,000 BY A JURY.
SO HE HAS PANIC ISSUES, HE
DIDN'T WANT THE BIRTHDAY
PARTY -- WE ARE GOING TO THE
BREAK ROOM EVERYBODY, IT'S BOB'S
BIRTHDAY, HE DIDN'T WANT IT.
BUT THEY DID IT ANYWAY.
SO HE SUES, THIS IS THE RESPONSE
FROM THE COMPANY ITSELF, AND
THEY FIRED HIM BECAUSE HE WAS
VIOLENT IN A MEETING AFTER THIS
EVENT AND HAD SCARED HIS
SUPERVISORS.
THE CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER OF
THE COMPANY SAID THEY WERE IN
FEAR OF PHYSICAL HARM DURING
THAT MOMENT.
OH, MY GOD, A MOMENT OF FEAR
FROM THE GUY WHO CAN TAKE A
BIRTHDAY PARTY?
I HATE BOTH OF THESE PARTIES.
HOW DOES A COUNTRY THAT IS SO
FRAIL SURVIVE?
>> THE PSA HERE IS NOBODY LIKES
A SURPRISE PARTY, NO ONE HAS
EVER SAID OH, MY GOSH, --
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S NOT GOOD TO.
THESE CASES ARE MORE COMPLEX
THAN YOU THINK, HE HAD GONE IN
AND SAID I HAD SEVERE MENTAL
PROBLEMS, THEY HAVE THIS
BIRTHDAY PARTY TRADITION, DON'T
DO IT, THAT PERSON WASN'T
THERE -- FROM AN HR STANDPOINT
THE COMPANY WAS TOTALLY IN THE
WRONG END EVERY STEP OF THE WAY
THEY WERE IN THE WRONG.
>> Bill: I'M LOOKING AT THE
BIGGER ISSUE, WHY CAN'T ANYONE
JUST GO SORRY AND MOVE ON.
AS OPPOSED TO I WAS SCARED FOR
MY LIFE AND I'M SUING YOU FOR A
BIRTHDAY PARTY!
I HAVE LIMITED SYMPATHY FOR
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THIS
FUCKING DUMB COUNTRY, I JUST DO.
>> I WOULD LIKE TO SAY I HAVE
WORKED IN CABLE NEWS AND NOBODY
HAS BEEN ENOUGH OF A DICK TO ME
TO GET PAID LIKE THAT.
[LAUGHTER]
TO YOUR POINT, TRAUMA IS A REAL
THING, THESE ARE REAL ISSUES
THAT PEOPLE DEAL WITH.
I'M A SUBURBAN WHITE LADY, IT'S
THE AFFLICTION OF MY PEOPLE IS
ANXIETY.
NOT EVERY ICKY FEELING IS TRAUMA
AND BLOW THESE THINGS UP, WE
LOSE OUR ABILITY TO DEAL WITH
THEM.
>> Bill: OKAY, I HESITATE TO
TALK ABOUT RUSSIA EVERY WEEK
BECAUSE IT'S SO DEPRESSING AND
THERE'S NOTHING REALLY I CAN ADD
TO IT BUT THE SANCTIONS
INTERESTINGLY -- IT'S FUNNY, THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE YOU'VE GOT TO
LOVE THEM.
ON THE ONE HAND THE POLLS SAY
BIDEN SHOULD GET TOUGHER WITH
RUSSIA BUT THEY ALSO SAY DON'T
SEND TROOPS.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT UNCLE JOE IS
SUPPOSED TO DO.
THE SANCTIONS I THINK ARE
WORKING, THEY ARE CREATING A LOT
OF ECONOMIC PAIN IN RUSSIA.
I WANT TO SHOW YOU SOME OF THE
COMPANIES -- A LOT OF THEM
PULLED OUT, RUSSIA IS TRYING TO
CREATE -- THEY FUNDED NEW
COMPANIES TO TAKE THE PLACE --
McDONALD'S PULLED OUT.
THIS IS REAL -- LOOK AT THAT.
THAT IS THE KNOCKOFF THEY HAVE
OF -- IKEA PULLED OUT.
THIS IS A REAL RUSSIAN COMPANY,
THEY STRIP OFF THE LOGO.
INSTAGRAM, THAT IS THEIR
INSTAGRAM -- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE WORDS SAY.
WE HAVE SOME OTHERS, WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SEE SOME OF THE OTHERS?
I KNEW YOU WOULD.
THIS I'M SUSPICIOUS
CZARKIST TUNA.
OF.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS I THINK IS RIDICULOUS.
SQUEEGEE WATER.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS --
IMPOSSIBLE CABBAGE.
OH, YES.
[LAUGHTER]
CAMPBELL'S CREAM OF DON'T ASK.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
KRAFT MACARONI AND SHOE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I THINK IT'S SUSPICIOUS.
LOOK AT THIS ONE.
YOU MUST BELIEVE IT'S BUTTER.
GEE, YURI'S HAIR SMELLS
TERRIFIC.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
PUTINA DOG CHOW WITH REAL
JOURNALIST.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I WANT TO GO BACK TO WHAT YOU
WERE SAYING A MINUTE TO GO,
EVERYTHING COMES DOWN TO RED
TEAM-BLUE TEAM.
I'M READING ABOUT DISNEY, I FEEL
LIKE IT'S ONE OF THE SADDEST
STORIES BECAUSE DISNEY OF ALL
THE THINGS I THOUGHT WOULD NEVER
BECOME POLITICAL.
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT A GUY WHO
DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT
DISNEY, I WAS NEVER INTERESTED
IN ANYTHING THEY MADE, I'M NOTA
CHILD, EVEN WHEN I WAS A CHILD I
WASN'T INTERESTED IN CHILDISH
THINGS AND THEY FIRED ME ONCE, I
HAVE EVERY REASON TO HATE THEM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BUT I DON'T HATE THEM, I FEEL
SORRY FOR THEM.
BECAUSE THEY LIVE IN THIS
COUNTRY WHERE NOTHING IS EVER
ENOUGH.
AT FIRST FLORIDA PAST THE DON'T
SAY GAY LAW, DISNEY DIDN'T SAY
ANYTHING, OKAY, WE JUST MAKE
FAIRIES AND ELVES.
THEY GOT ALL SORTS OF SHIT FROM
THE LEFT FOR THAT, THAN THEY ARE
LIKE OKAY BECAUSE THEY ALWAYS
WERE ONE OF THE MOST GAY
FRIENDLY COMPANIES IN THE
WORLD -- RON DeSANTIS IS
DEMAGOGUE ANGUS BUT HE WANTS TO
STOP THEM FROM HAVING THEIR
VATICAN STATUS AND THEY JUST
WANT TO GET PEOPLE IN THE TEACU
TEACUP.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THIS?
>> I DO HATE THEM, I WANTED TO
GO AS A KID BUT NOW I DO HATE
THEM BECAUSE BELIEVE IN
SOMETHING.
ALWAYS THE FIRST COMPANY IN THE
COUNTRY TO HAVE BENEFITS FOR GAY
PARTNERS, DOMESTIC PARTNERS AND
THEN YOU GO NOWHERE WHEN THERE'S
THIS NEW BILL, THEN ALL OF A
SUDDEN YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING
ELSE AND YOU TURN AROUND, HAVE A
BACKBONE, BELIEVE IN SOMETHING
AND STICK TO.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: SO THEY HAVE TO WEIGH
IN ON EVERY POLITICAL ISSUE?
>> THE KEY MIGHT BE NEUTRALITY
ON THESE BIG CULTURE WAR ISSUES.
THERE'S A MORAL QUESTION HERE
WHERE I THINK THE LIMITS OF THE
GOVERNMENT POWER, YOU SHOULDN'T
BE PUNISHING YOUR POLITICAL
ADVERSARY BECAUSE THEY DID SOME
FREEDOM OF SPEECH -- THAT'S A
BAD IDEA.
BUT THERE'S THE POLITICAL PART
WHICH I THINK RON DeSANTIS AND
PEOPLE WHO AGREE WITH THIS SAY
WE ARE GOING TO FIX THIS
IMBALANCE WHERE SIX WOKE
EMPLOYEES AT DISNEY SAY YOU GUYS
GOT TO GO AFTER THE VOTERS OF
FLORIDA WHO PUT ALL THESE GUYS
INTO OFFICE AND FLORIDA GOES
KNOW AND THAT'S NOT A BAD
POLITICAL MOVE BECAUSE A LOT OF
PEOPLE TO WANT SOMEONE TO STAND
UP TO THOSE SIX EMPLOYEES
INSTEAD OF DISNEY FOLDING.
JUST BE A NONCOMBATANT.
>> I THINK IT'S MORE THAN SIX.
>> THERE'S A PATTERN OF PEOPLE
KNUCKLING UNDER TO VERY SMALL
GROUPS OF VERY VOCAL ACTIVISTS
ON THESE THINGS.
>> I THINK ANYTHING THAT DEALS
WITH CHILDREN IS IN A HARD SPOT
RIGHT NOW, THE COUNTRY IS
CHANGING AND THERE ARE MORE AND
MORE YOUNG, GAY PARENTS AND KIDS
ARE MORE OPEN MINDED AND AWARE
OF THINGS.
I THINK DISNEY WASN'T TERRIBLY
COURAGEOUS IN THE BEGINNING, IF
THEY REALLY HAD CHILDREN'S
WELL-BEING IN MIND AND IF THEY
WERE DOING IT BECAUSE THEY THINK
THIS IS A BAD THING FOR
CHILDREN, THAT IS INTERESTING AS
WELL.
>> Bill: IT HINGES ON WHETHER
THERE REALLY IS SOMETHING GOING
ON IN THE SCHOOLS BUT NEVER WAS
GOING ON THERE BEFORE AND MAYBE
SHOULD BE GOING ON.
WE GOT INFORMATION TODAY ABOUT
THIS, THIS IS ABOUT WHAT IS
GOING ON IN SCHOOLS ALL ACROSS
THE COUNTRY BUT FLORIDA IS OF
COURSE THE FOCAL POINT BECAUSE
IT'S FLORIDA.
THEY TOOK OUT 41 TEXTBOOKS, MATH
TEXTBOOKS AND AT THE BEGINNING
OF THE WEEK WE DIDN'T KNOW WHY.
THEY SAID THERE ARE THINGS IN
THERE THAT ARE INAPPROPRIATE FOR
CHILDREN.
TODAY THEY RELEASED FOUR
EXAMPLES.
THIS JUST HAPPENED BEFORE WE
CAME OUT HERE, I READ THROUGH
THEM -- A LOT OF IT I FEEL LIKE
OKAY, KIDS SHOULD HAVE EMPATHY
WHEN THEY ARE LEARNING.
FINE, I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
MOST OF IT I THOUGHT WAS KIND OF
A NOTHING BURGER BUT HERE'S
ONE -- MEASURING RACIAL -- THIS
IS A MATH QUESTION.
MEASURING RACIAL PREJUDICE BY
POLITICAL IDENTIFICATION, DO WE
HAVE THE CHARTIER?
THIS IS TEACHING MATH -- WHY USE
THAT EXAMPLE?
VERY LIBERAL, MODERATELY
LIBERAL, SOMEWHAT LIBERAL, WHAT
HAPPENED TO A TRAIN LEAVES
CHICAGO?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> I'LL TELL YOU I'M A FORMER
TEACHER I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT'S
HAPPENING.
WITH ALL OF THIS REVISION TO
CURRICULUM OR ADDING THE
CURRICULUM WHETHER IT'S GENDER
OR RACE, NEW IDEAS ABOUT RACE,
WHEN A SCHOOL DISTRICT SAYS THEY
CAN GET 80% OF THEIR STUDENTS TO
GRADE LEVEL AS READERS AND TO
GRADE LEVEL FOR MATH SKILLS,
WE'LL TALK ABOUT SOME CURRICULUM
REVISIONS OR EXPERIMENTATION.
THE PUBLIC SCHOOLS ARE OUR
BIGGEST FAILED PUBLIX WORKS
PROGRESS IN THIS COUNTRY IN MY
LIFETIME, WE HAVE LOST OUR
ABILITY TO TEACH KIDS ANYTHING
AND NOW WE ARE FIGHTING ON THE
EDGES ABOUT THINGS -- LET'S PUT
DIFFERENT THINGS IN SCHOOL AND
MEASURE THEM IN DIFFERENT WAYS.
BUT IT DOESN'T READ LIKE A
CRISIS ANYMORE BECAUSE IT HAS
BEEN GOING ON SO LONG.
OUR KIDS ARE DEEPLY
UNDEREDUCATED TO.
>> I THINK IT'S GOING TO END UP
BEING A BIGGER CRISIS THAN WE
EVEN KNOW AT THIS POINT BECAUSE
THE LEARNING LOSS -- DID I
MENTION THE SCHOOLS WERE CLOSED
FOR A YEAR?
THE LEARNING LOSS PARTICULARLY
FOR THE ALREADY VULNERABLE
POPULATIONS, DISABLED
POPULATIONS, MINORITY
POPULATIONS IS GOING TO BE
SPECTACULAR, IT'S GOING TO BE
RIDICULOUS.
AND I THINK DeSANTIS EARNED
SOME CREDIT ON EDUCATION BECAUSE
HE KEPT SCHOOLS OPEN, THAT GIVES
THEM LEEWAY TO HAVE THESE FIGHTS
BECAUSE PARENTS HAVE CONFIDENCE
IN HIM.
THERE IS AN ISSUE IN SOMEWHERE
LIKE VIRGINIA WHERE GLENN
YOUNGKIN GOT ELECTED -- YOU GET
A LOT OF LEEWAY ON CURRICULUM IF
YOU WANT TO DO SOME WOKENESS
STUFF IF YOU TEACH MY KID TO
READ TO.
IF YOU SHUT IT FOR A YEAR AND
YOU MAKE ME ZOOM BUTLER FOR MY
KID AND I'M PART OF THE
CURRICULUM, YOU CAN'T TELL ME TO
SHUT UP ABOUT THE CURRICULUM AND
I WOULD LIKE YOU TO FOCUS ON
MATH AND READING.
>> Bill: I GOT TO GO BACK -- I
DON'T KNOW WHERE YOUR ANSWER
FITS WITH THE QUESTION I WAS
ASKING.
>> COMMON PROBLEM, TALK TO MY
EDITORS.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: THE THING I SHOWED
THERE AND -- MEASURING RACIAL
PREJUDICE BY POLITICAL
IDENTIFICATION AS A WAY TO TEACH
ABOUT CHARTS AND GRAPHS.
>> IS NOT A WAY TO TEACH ABOUT
THAT.
>> Bill: OKAY, YOU'RE
AGREEING.
>> BECAUSE THE TEACHERS -- I'M
NOT GOING TO BLAME THE TEACHERS,
THERE'S MANY DIFFERENT FAILURES
HERE AND IT'S NOT THE TEACHERS
FAULT, PRIMARILY BUT THAT CHART
AT LEAST BECOMES SOMETHING A
TEACHER CAN START A DISCUSSION
WITH.
>> Bill: YOU'RE SAYING IT IS A
GOOD THING?
>> NO.
>> Bill: THE WHOLE THING IS
TERRIBLE, WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO
TEACH OUR STUDENTS AND THEY
SHOULD LEARN SOMETHING
ESPECIALLY THE LOWER INCOME YOU
ARE THE MORE YOU NEED THAT
ALGEBRAIC EQUATION TO MAKE SOME
SENSE FOR YOU INSTEAD OF HAVING
A CONVERSATION IN CLASS ABOUT
PEOPLE POLITICAL AFFILIATIONS.
>> Bill: TO BE CLEAR I DON'T
THINK THIS IS TYPICAL, I THINK
AGAIN THEY PICKED 41 BOOKS AND
THEY HAVE FOUR EXAMPLES, OF THE
EXAMPLES THIS WAS THE MOST
EGREGIOUS BUT IT DOES EXIST, IT
IS REAL.
I DON'T KNOW WHY DEMOCRATS DO
THIS TO THEMSELVES.
I THINK DeSANTIS IS DEMAGOGUE
IN THIS ISSUE BECAUSE I THINK HE
THINKS THIS IS A GREAT WAY TO BE
THE CANDIDATE IN 2024 BY OWNING
THE LIVES ON GAYS AND KIDS AND
PLUTO AND GOOFY FUCKING EACH
OTHER BUT I ALSO THINK X BOOKS
ARE WRITTEN BY A CERTAIN TYPE OF
PEOPLE.
>> I'M AGREEING WITH YOU.
>> Bill: THE TYPE WHO WOULD
PUT SOME BULLSHIT LIKE THAT IN A
MATH BOOK, TYPE OF PEOPLE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> IT'S A BIG BUSINESS AND
TEACHERS MAKE THE DECISIONS AND
TEACHERS AND THE UNIONS ARE
EXTREMELY LEFTISTS.
THERE IS AN INCLINATION TO BUY
THOSE BOOKS.
>> LIKE WITH PUBLIC HEALTH,
THERE IS A LOSS OF TRUST AND IT
IS A GOOD PLACE TO GO AFTER
THESE MAD PARENTS, IT WILL WORK
BECAUSE THEY ARE MAD FOR A
REASON AND THEY WILL NOT BE GAS
LIFT AND TOLD THERE'S NOTHING
GOING ON HERE, THERE IS
SOMETHING GOING ON.
>> Bill: THANK YOU SO MUCH, I
WISH I HAD TO GO WOMEN ON SHOW
EVERY WEEK.
>> WE ARE AVAILABLE.
>> Bill: ALL RIGHT, NEW RULES
EVERYBODY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YOU CAN HAVE THAT AS A SOUVENIR
OF THE SHOW.
NEW RULE: THE HUNDREDS OF
CONSUMERS WHO SAY LUCKY CHARMS
GAVE THEM NAUSEA, VOMITING AND
DIARRHEA HAVE TO QUIT THEIR
BITCHING.
READ THE BOX.
IT SAYS "LUCKY."
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT NEVER SAID WHAT KIND OF LUCK.
NEW RULE: INSTEAD OF BUILDING A
WALL ON THE SOUTHERN BORDER,
LET'S BUILD A LABYRINTH.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
YOU WANT TO SLOW THE FLOW OF
MIGRANTS?
THIS'LL DO IT.
AND THE ONES THAT GET THROUGH,
WELL, CONGRATS!
YOU'RE SMARTER THAN THE AVERAGE
AMERICAN.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: JOHNNY DEPP IS AN
AWARD WINNING ACTOR; HE'S GOT TO
FIGURE OUT HOW TO LOOK LESS
TOTALLY AND UTTERLY GUILTY.
[LAUGHTER]
HERE HE IS IN COURT DRESSED LIKE
A MAFIA DON WHO JUST BURNED DOWN
A BIKER BAR.
I DON'T KNOW WHO SHIT THE BED
[LAUGHTER]
WORSE, AMBER HEARD OR WHOEVER
PICKED OUT THAT TIE.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: THE FLORIDA MAN
ARRESTED THIS MONTH WITH TWO
FIREARMS, MULTIPLE SYRINGES
LOADED WITH METH, AND A LIVE
ALLIGATOR IN THE BACK OF HIS
PICKUP NEEDS TO TAKE THAT
WEAK-ASS SHIT TO LOUISIANA.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
YOU SIR, ARE NOT FLORIDA MAN
MATERIAL.
[LAUGHTER]
A REAL FLORIDA MAN WOULD HAVE
ALSO BEEN NAKED, MASTURBATING, A
LICENSED PASTOR, A FORMER
POWERBALL WINNER, AND MARRIED TO
THE ALLIGATOR.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: PORN VIDEOS TITLES
HAVE TO EITHER GET SHORTER OR
COME WITH SPOILER ALERTS.
IF YOU WRITE "HOT MILF RIDES HER
JEALOUS SON WHILE WEARING
GLASSES," NOW I KNOW THE WHOLE
STORY!
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
"BUSTY NAÏVE BLONDE FUCKED BY
STRANGER UNDER THE BRIDGE",
RUINED.
"SEXY BIG ASS FEMALE MATURE BOSS
SEDUCES HINDI AUNTIE AT WORK",
WELL, NOW I GUESS I DON'T HAVE
TO WATCH IT, DO I?
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I SAY BRING BACK THE CLASSIC
TITLES, LIKE "DEEP THROAT,"
"BEHIND THE GREEN DOOR" AND
"TOWNHALL WITH MATT GAETZ."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND FINALLY, NEW RULE.
THE WASHINGTON POST IS WRONG:
DEMOCRACY DOESN'T DIE IN
DARKNESS.
IT DIES IN PLAIN SIGHT BECAUSE
ENOUGH PEOPLE THINK DEMOCRACY IS
A LUXURY AMERICA CAN NO LONGER
AFFORD.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S PRETTY MUCH THE POSITION
OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY NOW --
THAT YOU CAN VOTE FOR ANYONE YOU
LIKE, BUT IT DOESN'T COUNT IF
IT'S NOT US.
HEADS WE WIN, TAILS WE COUP.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I KNOW SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO SAY
THERE'S NOT MUCH DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THE PARTIES, BUT
ACTUALLY IN AMERICA 2022,
THERE'S MORE OF A DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN THE PARTIES THAN THERE
EVER HAS BEEN IN AMERICAN
HISTORY.
AND HERE'S WHY: DEMOCRATS, FOR
ALL THEIR FLAWS, STILL SEE
DEMOCRACY AS THE ESSENCE OF
AMERICA -- THEY SEE AMERICA AND
DEMOCRACY AS INEXTRICABLY
LINKED.
THEY BELIEVE THAT ONE WITHOUT
THE OTHER IS UNTHINKABLE.
REPUBLICANS?
THINKABLE!
VERY, VERY THINKABLE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
REPUBLICANS NOW SEEM TO BE OKAY
WITH AMERICA CONTINUING TO EXIST
AS A COUNTRY BUT WITHOUT BEING A
DEMOCRACY.
UTAH SENATOR MIKE LEE SAYS:
"WE'RE NOT A DEMOCRACY.
DEMOCRACY ISN'T THE OBJECTIVE;
LIBERTY, PEACE, AND PROSPERITY
ARE.
WE WANT THE HUMAN CONDITION TO
FLOURISH.
RANK DEMOCRACY CAN THWART THAT."
WHICH IS A WEIRD IDEA FOR A
CAMPAIGN AD.
"VOTE FOR MIKE LEE, BECAUSE
VOTING IS BAD."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
BUT BEYOND THAT, THIS IS A TRUE
SEA CHANGE IN AMERICAN POLITICS,
AND MIKE LEE ISN'T THE ONLY ONE
SAYING IT OUT LOUD.
HERE IN CALIFORNIA SOMEONE NAMED
RACHEL HAMM IS RUNNING FOR
SECRETARY OF STATE, AND SHE SAYS
"I WANT TO MAKE IT HARD" TO
VOTE.
"I WANT IT TO BE A PRIVILEGE TO
VOTE."
AGAIN, THIS IS A FUNDAMENTAL
CHANGE, OPENLY BADMOUTHING
DEMOCRACY AND SAYING OUT LOUD
THAT VOTING IS A PRIVILEGE AND
NOT A RIGHT.
LOREN CULP IS THE REPUBLICAN
CANDIDATE FOR CONGRESS IN
WASHINGTON STATE, AND HE CALLED
DEMOCRACY "MOB RULE."
AND THAT IS A BIG TALKING POINT
FROM CONSERVATIVES THESE DAYS --
THAT "THE FOUNDING FATHERS
FEARED MOB RULE!"
THIS FROM THE PARTY THAT ON
JANUARY 6TH ENCOURAGED A LITERAL
MOB TO ATTEMPT TO RULE.
IF YOU VIOLENTLY ATTACK THE U.S.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
CAPITOL - KICKING IN DOORS,
BREAKING WINDOWS, KILLING COPS,
CHASING DULY ELECTED
REPRESENTATIVES OUT OF THE
BUILDING, ALL WITH THE INTENT OF
OVERTURNING A LAWFUL ELECTION
AND HANGING THE VICE PRESIDENT
FOR CERTIFYING IT -- YOU KNOW,
IN THE NAME OF PATRIOTISM --
MAYBE YOU'VE LOST THE THREAD OF
EXACTLY WHAT IT IS YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO BE LOYAL TO.
I'M NO CONSTITUTIONAL SCHOLAR,
BUT I'M PRETTY SURE IT DOESN'T
SAY, "IN THE CASE OF AN ELECTION
LOSS, BREAK SHIT AND INSTALL
YOUR GUY ANYWAY."
AND PLEASE STOP IMAGINING YOU'RE
BLOWING OUR MINDS WHEN YOU POINT
OUT THAT "AMERICA IS NOT A
DIRECT DEMOCRACY, IT'S A
REPUBLIC!"
DUH.
OF COURSE, EVEN AT THE TIME OF
AMERICA'S FOUNDING, DIRECT
DEMOCRACY, WHERE EVERYONE WHO
COULD VOTE GATHERED IN THE
SQUARE LIKE IN ANCIENT ATHENS
AND PUT A WHITE OR BLACK PEBBLE
IN A BIG POT.
WAS IMPRACTICAL.
SO DEMOCRACY ADDED THE IDEA OF
REPRESENTATIVES, AND WITH THE
ADDITION OF A CONSTITUTION THAT
GUIDED US AND PROTECTED
MINORITIES, WE BECAME A REPUBLIC
-- THAT IS, AN IMPROVED TYPE OF
DEMOCRACY, NOT SOMETHING APART
FROM DEMOCRACY.
STILL A SYSTEM WHERE WE VOTE,
THE VOTES COUNT, AND THE
WINNERS, WITH REASONABLE
RESTRAINTS, ARE PUT IN CHARGE.
THAT'S THE BEST, ALBEIT
IMPERFECT, WAY TO DO THIS THING
CALLED GOVERNMENT, AND WE ALL
USED TO GET THAT!
BUT NOW MANY REPUBLICANS HAVE
DECIDED THAT DEMOCRACY IS WHAT'S
WRONG WITH AMERICA.
A LOT OF PEOPLE DRIVE THEMSELVES
CRAZY ASKING REPUBLICANS FOR
EVIDENCE THAT BIDEN SOMEHOW
STOLE THE ELECTION, BUT THAT'S A
FOOL'S ERRAND: IN THE CIRCULAR
LOGIC OF TODAY'S RIGHT, THE
EVIDENCE THAT THE ELECTION WAS
STOLEN IS THAT THEY LOST.
THE "LOGIC" GOES LIKE THIS: WE
ALL KNOW AMERICA SHOULD BE MADE
GREAT AGAIN, AND ONE SIDE WANTED
IT MADE GREAT AGAIN -IT SAID SO
RIGHT ON THEIR HATS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SO LOGICALLY, THE OTHER SIDE
WANTED AMERICA TO STAY BAD.
AND THERE'S NO WAY JESUS, WHO
LOVES AMERICA, WOULD LET THAT
HAPPEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SAME THING WITH "VOTER FRAUD,"
WHICH HAS BEEN STUDIED A MILLION
TIMES, ALL WITH THE SAME RESULT:
IT'S NEGLIGIBLE, AND DOESN'T
AFFECT ELECTIONS.
AGAIN, MISSING THE POINT: THE
EVIDENCE OF VOTER FRAUD IS THAT
SOMETIMES DEMOCRATS WIN.
THIS IS MADNESS.
DEMOCRATS AND REPUBLICANS HAVE
CERTAINLY ALWAYS HAD THEIR
DIFFERENCES: TAXES GUNS
ABORTION, WEARING COWBOY BOOTS
WITH A SUIT.
BUT NEITHER EVER REALLY DOUBTED
THAT OUR SYSTEM OF ACCEPTING
ELECTORAL LOSS WAS WHAT MADE
AMERICA DIFFERENT FROM SO MANY
COUNTRIES WHO COULD NEVER GET
THAT RIGHT -- IT WAS, AS MUCH AS
ANYTHING, WHAT MADE AMERICA
GREAT.
DESPITE THE FACT THAT IN A
DEMOCRACY, THE PEOPLE WHO WIN,
YES, SOMETIMES GET THINGS WRONG
-- MAYBE THAT'S WHY CHURCHILL
CALLED DEMOCRACY THE WORST
SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT, EXCEPT FOR
ALL THE OTHERS.
THE LEFT TODAY IS GETTING LOTS
OF THINGS WRONG.
POLICE DEPARTMENTS GUTTED, KIDS
TAUGHT CRAZY SHIT, UNPOPULAR
THOUGHT BEING SCRUBBED, TRYING
TO REFRAME AMERICA AS
IRREDEEMABLY RACIST.
I GET THE PANIC.
BUT SOLUTIONS SHORT OF JUNKING
DEMOCRACY CAN AND MUST HANDLE
THIS.
WHAT DO TOUGH GUYS AND TRUE
PATRIOTS DO IN TIMES OF PANIC?
THEY DON'T PANIC!
BUT CONSERVATIVES NOW SOUND
CREEPILY LIKE THE GENERALS IN
SOME COUNTRY WHERE THEY FINALLY
EXPERIMENTED WITH DEMOCRACY FOR
THE FIRST TIME AND.
WELL, THEY DIDN'T LIKE IT SO
MUCH.
I'M AFRAID WE LET THE VOTERS
DECIDE, AND THEY FUCKED UP.
NEXT MONTH, THE CONSERVATIVE
POLITICAL ACTION CONFERENCE --
CPAC -- IS HOLDING THEIR
CONVENTION IN HUNGARY.
HUNGARY?
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KANSAS?
WELL, APPARENTLY IT'S NOT
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AUTHORITARIAN ENOUGH.
THE NEW PLATFORM FROM THE RIGHT
IS MAKING THE WORLD SAFE FROM
DEMOCRACY.
OKAY, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
I'LL BE AT THE MIRAGE IN VEGAS,
MAY 20TH AND 21ST, AT THE STATE
THEATRE IN MINNEAPOLIS, JUNE
4TH, AND AT THE MURAT THEATRE IN
INDIANAPOLIS, JUNE 5TH.
I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS MARY
KATHARINE HAM, CAITLIN FLANAGAN
AND BOB ODENKIRK.
NOW GO TO YOUTUBE AND JOIN US ON
OVERTIME.
I MEAN OVER TIME ON YOUTUBE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
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