♪ ♪
>> START THE CLOCK.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: THANK YOU, PEOPLE,
HOW ARE YOU A QUESTION MARK
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, I
APPRECIATE IT.
ALT!
HERE WE ARE FOR THE LAST SHOW OF
THE SEASON.
THANK YOU, I APPRECIATE IT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, IT IS OUR LAST SHO
OF THE SEASON, I'M GOING TO MISS
YOU A LOT BUT I FEEL LIKE WE ARE
LEAVING ON A HIGH NOTE BECAUSE
DEMOCRACY SURVIVED --
>> IS HUMILIATED.
PUTIN IS GETTING HIS ASS KICKED,
HALL HOLIDAY MOVIE CALLED OF
"THE CHRISTMAS SURPRISE."
ALSO GOOD NEWS WE WERE GOING TO
HAVE WORLD WAR III AND NOW WE
ARE NOT, SOT'S GOOD TO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
A MISSILE UKRAINIAN ENDED
IN IN POLAND, EVERYONE WAS LIKE
IS THIS GOING TO ESCALATE INTO
WORLD WAR III, FORTUNATELY BIDEN
GOT ON THE PHONE WITH BOTH
PARTIES, NOTHING IS GOING TO
HAPPEN NOW AND THAT IS TONIGHT'S
EPISODE OF THANK GOD TRUMP ISN'T
PRESIDENT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S NOT GOING TO STOP HIM
FROM TRYING AGAIN, HE MADE HIS
BIG ANNOUNCEMENT -- NOT THAT
DID YOU SEE THAT HE ANNOUNCED
HE'S RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT?
VERY LOW-KEY, LOW ENERGY.
[LAUGHTER]
SAD -- DID YOU SEE HIM?
HE LOOKED LIKE A GIGOLO ON HIS
TENTH CALL OF THE DAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THERE WERE SIX AMERICAN FLAGS
BEHIND HIM, HE DIDN'T PUMP ANY
OF THEM.
HE'S SO 2,000 LATE --
YESTERDAY'S NEWS.
IT WAS LIKE WATCHING AT&T
ANNOUNCE A NEW LANDL
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THEY DON'T OWN US ANYMORE, RIGH
RIGHT?
OF COURSE HE HAD TO GO THROUGH
HIS GREATEST HITS ABOUT AMERICAN
CARNAGE, HE SAID OUR CITIES ARE
ROTTING, THEY ARE CESSPOOLS OF
BLOOD.
AND HALF OF AFRICA WAS LIKE AND
WE ARE THE SHIT COUNTRIES?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
COUNTING SOME PLACES BUT STILL
BASICALLY THE DEMOCRATS KEPT THE
SENATE, THE REPUBLICANS WON THE
HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES THERE
WILL BE A NEW SPEAKER,
NANCY PELOSI IS STEPPING
ASIDE -- KEVIN McCARTHY FROM
RIGHT HERE IN CALIFORNIA WILL BE
THE NEW SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE,
KEVIN McCARTHY.
[LAUGHTER]
A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO HE SAID I
WANT YOU TO WATCH WHEN
NANCY PELOSI HANDS ME THE GAVEL,
IT WILL BE HARD NOT TO HIT HER
WITH IT.
HE SAID THAT -- IT'S JUST A
JOKE, NOBODY THINKS SOMEONE
WOULD REALLY GO TO A PELOSI
FAMILY MEMBER AND HIT THEM WITH
A HAMMER.
[CHEERS APPLAUSE]
BUT THAT'S POLITICS!
THAT'S NOT WHAT AMERICA CARES
ABOUT, ALL THAT AMERICA CARES
ABOUT IS THEY CAN'T GET
TAYLOR SWIFT TICKETS.
AND TWITTER IS IN CHAOS AND
CRYPTO IS A TANKING WHICH I
THINK IS FANTASTIC ECHO I HAVE
NEVER BEEN A CRYPTO FAN.
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE HAVE LOST
MILLIONS OF DOLLARS ON CRYPTO
AND A LOT OF THEM ARE BLAMING
CELEBRITIES WHO HYPED IT.
NOW WHEN MARRIED PEOPLE ARE
VING SEX THEY'RE BOTH THINKING
ABOUT GETTING SCREWED BY MATT
DAMON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
TWITTER -- I TELL YOU.
ELON MUSK TOOK OVER, HE FIRED
LIKE HALF THE PEOPLE, GET OUT OF
YOUR PODS AND GO HOME, I LOVE I
IT.
THAN THE PEOPLE WHO ARE
REMAINING HE SAID EITHER RESIGN
OR I WANT YOU TO GIVE AN
EXCEPTIONAL PERFORMANCE AND THIS
IS VERY CONFUSING TO THE
MILLENNIALS.
THEY ARE LIKE MY PARENTS TOLD ME
EXCEPTIONAL MEANT EXISTING, WHAT
THE FUCK IS THIS?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
D THE MEDIA, THEY ARE
PANICKING, THEY ARE LIKE IT'S
FALLING APART -- HOW CAN IT FALL
APART, IT'S A WEBSITE, NOT A
CONDO IN MIAMI.
BY THE WAY, THREE QUARTERS OF
THE PEOPLE ARE GONE, IT'S STI
UP AND RUNNING, I CHECKED IT AN
HOUR AGO, THERE WERE FIVE PEOPLE
TELLING ME TO KILL MYSELF, IT'S
IT'S THE SAME AS IT EVER WAS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MAY BE THE BIGGEST STORY IN TECH
LLIONAIRE NEWS, JEFF BEZOS
JEFF BEZOS, BIG ANNOUNCEMENT
THIS WEEK, MUCH BIGGER THAN
TRUMP, HE SAID HE'S GOING TO
GIVE AWAY MOST OF HIS FORTUNE
DURING HIS LIFETIME.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
COME O!
IT'S NOT CLEAR WHETHER THAT IS A
CHARITY THING OR WHETHER HE'S
PLANNING TO AND DIVORCE
AGAIN.
WE GOT A GREAT SHOW, LAURA
LAURA COATES AND JONATHAN HAIDT
ARE HERE, BUT FIRST. HE'S AN
ACTOR AND PLAYWRIGHT, AND NOW
AUTHOR OF THE NY TIMES #T
SELLER, "FRIENDS, LOVERS, AND
THTERRIBLE THING": MATTHEW
PERRY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOW ARE YOU?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LOOK AT THAT.
THEY STILL LOVE Y AS THEY
SHOULD, CONGRATULATIONS I HEARD
YOU BROKE AMAZON, YOUR BOOK SOLD
SO MANY COPIES THAT THEY
COULDN'T HANDLE IT, YOU ARE LIKE
THE TAYLOR SWIFT OF A WRITING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> IT SEEMS LIKE I AM, ON THE
HEAD OF THE AMAZING THING IS THE
FIRST THING I WANT TO SAY IS I
BEAT BONO IN IRELAND.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S WEIRD.
>> Bill: IT'S A COMPELLING
BOOK, I COULD NOT PUT IT DOWN.
I FEEL LIKE ONE OF THE BIG
TAKEAWAYS OF THE BOOK I
LIKE A DRUG [CHEERS AND
APPLAUSE]
I GOT THAT.
>> I THINK THAT'S FAIR TO SAY,
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU READ THE
WHOLE BOOK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: I NOTICED THE THEME
BEFORE WE GET TOO FAR I JUST
WANT TO SAY YOU LOOK FANTASTIC,
SO IT'S AMAZING TO I'M SO
GLAD YOU ARE HERE PLUGGING A
BOOK BECAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE, A
LOT OF PEOPLE DID HAVE YOU IN
THE DEADPOOL.
MAYBE YOU.
>> YEAH, I HAD A HORRIBLE
ACCIDENT ABOUT SEVEN YEARS AGO,
I WAS GIVEN A 2% CHANCE TO
SURVIVE, THEY DIDN'T TELL ME
THAT BECAUSE I WASN'T REALLY
THERE BUT THEY TOLD MY FAMILY.
I WAS PUT ON A THLLED A
ECMO MACHINE IF YOU HAVEN'T READ
THE BOOK YOU WOULD KNOW WHAT
THAT IS BUT.
>>> Bill: I DID I TOOK
NOTES I UNDERLINED.
>> I BELIEVE YOU!
THEY CALL THAT A HAIL MARY,
THAT'S WHAT THEY DO WHEN THEY
PUT YOU ON THE MACHINE WHEN IT'S
A HAIL MARY.
AND FIVE PEOPLE WERE ON THAT
NIGHT AND THE OTHER FOUR DIED
AND I SOMEHOW MADE IT
>> Bill: GOD IS A FAN.
>> I KNOW YOUR FEELING ABOUT
THAT.
>> I'M A FAN, MAYBE I AM --
>> ONCE YOU REFER TO IT AS A
FORCE AND I BELIEVE THAT, I
BELIEVE IN A HIGHER POWER, I
BELIEVE I HAVE A VERY CLOSE
RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM IT'S
HELPED ME A LOT.
>> Bill: SOMEBODY IS ON YOUR
SIDE TO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
EVERYBODY IS ON YOUR SIDE,
EVERYBODY IS GLAD YOU ARE HERE.
I MUST SAY THE HUMAN BODY --
READING THE BOOK AND I DID, IT'S
AMAZING TO ME THE P -- SO
FRAGILE AND ALSO SO RESILIENT
TO.
IT'S EASY TO DIE AND ALSO IT'S
KIND OF HARD, WHAT YOUROVED,
IT'S KIND OF HARD TO DIE.
>> IT CAN BE.
>> YOU TRIED TO.
>> I NEVER TRIED, I DID SO MANY
S AT CERTAIN TIMES THAT I
KNEW IT COULD KILL ME BUT I
NEVER WANTED TO DIE.
THE THING FOR ME AND THE
TROUBLES I HAVE HAD IS THAT
REALITY IS AN ACQUIRED TASTE. B.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I HAVE HAD A GREAT DEAL OF TIME
AND A GREAT DEAL OF PROBLEMS
ACQUIRING IT.
IT W UNTIL I FELTLLY
SAFE IN MY SOBRIETY AND STRONG
IN MY SOBRIETY AND TO TELL YOU
THE TRUTH I AM RESILIENT AND I
AM STRONG.
>> Bill: AND YOU LOOK HEALTHY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IT'S AMAZING.
I FEEL VERY LUCKY THAT I'M
SOMEONE WHO COULD DO DRUGS AND
STILL DOES DRUGS.
>> YOU DON'T HAVE ANY ON YOU, DO
YOU?
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: IT DOESN'T AFFECT ME
IN THAT WAY BUT YOUR STATS,
UNBELIEVABLE.
6,000 AA MEETINGS, TOOK 55
VICODIN'S A DAY, THIS IS LIKE A
JOE DiMAGGIO WITH THE 56 GAME
HITTING STREAK NO ONE IS GOING
TO COME UP WITH THESE STATS NO
ONE IS GOING TO BEAT YOU ON SOME
OF THIS STUFF.
>> SOME OF THE THINGS I WENT
THROUGH TO GET THAT MANY PILLS A
DAY MY WHOLE LIFE WAS MATH.
YOU KNOW THE STORY --
>> Bill: THE OPEN HOU, CAN
WE TALK AB THI
I REMEMBER THE DAVID BOWIE S
WAITING FOR THE MAN.
WHEN I FIRST LEARNED THE CON
OF WHAT ADDICTION WAS FROM THAT
SONG.
THIS IS THIS BIG ROCK STAR BUT
HE'S WAITING FOR THE MAN --
KEITH RICHARDS SAID IT DOESN'T
MATTER HOW BIGOU ARE, HOW
FAMOUS YOU ARE, THE DRUG DEALER,
YOU ARE HIS BITCH.
YOU DIDN'T WAIT FOR THE MAN, YOU
WANT TO OPEN HOUSES AND STOLE
DRUGS FROM PEOPLE'S MEDICINE
CABINETS.
SUCH A BETTER PLAN.
[LAUGHTER]
>> RIGHT?
[LAUGHTER]
I WOULD LOOK IN THE PAPER AND
LOOK AT OPEN HOUSES ON SUNDAYS
AND I WOULD GO AND I WOULD GO
UPSTAIRS TO THE BATHROOM AND IF
IT WAS AN ELDERLY COUPLE, I KNEW
I HIT HOME.
[LAUGH
AND THEN YOU LOOK AT THE DATES
IT IF THE DES ARE OLD AND
THERE'S STILL A LOT OF PILLS YOU
CAN TAKE A LOT OF THEM.
I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S A HORROR
STORY AND I'M TELLING IT IN A
FUNNY WAY BUT AS I DROVE OFF I
WAS LIKE NOBODY IS GOING TO SAY
CHANDLER JUST STOLE DRUGS OUT OF
MY MEDICINE CABINET?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: WHAT KIND OF DRUGS
WERE YOU LOOKING FOR THAT THEY
WOULD HAVE?
>> I W OPIATE GUY, SO ANY
KIND OF OPIATES WERE WHAT I
WANTED TO.
PEOPLD BE SURPRISED -- I
HAVEN'T HAD A DRINK SINCE 2005.
HEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S BECAUSE IT STOPPED
WORKING, I COULDN'T GET DRUNK
ANYMORE.
SO I TURNED IT UP AND WEN
SOMETHING I COULD FEEL.
>> Bill: YOU DO SAY AFTER YOUR
COLON PROBLEM, YOUR COLON
EXPLODED, RIGHT?
AND YOU'RE IN THE HOSPITAL FOR
FIVE MONTHS, EVEN AFTER THAT HE
WANTED.
TO COME OUT OFN EXPERIENCE
LIKE THAT IF ANYONE DOESN'T
UNDERSTAND HOW STRONG ADDICTION
IS, I THINK THAT SAYS IT ALL YOU
WOULD SPEND FIVE MONTHS IN THE
HOSPITAL, LOSE YOUR COLON AND
DISTILL FIRST THING OUT OF THE
HOSPITAL IS LET'S GET HIGH.
>> IT HAPPENED IN THE HOSPITAL,
I WAS TOLD OPIATES HAD DONE THIS
TO ME AND I LITERALLY SAID I
WOULD LIKE TO SOLVE THIS PROBLE
PROBLEM.
AND GOT THEM AND GOT HOME, I WAS
ON A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF OPIATES I
WAS LYING ABOUT HOW MUCH PAIN I
WAS IN AND IT DIDN'T BECOME
ENOUGH AND THEY SAID NO, YOU
CAN'T HAVE ANY MORE, THE
DRUG DEALER SAID YES.
AND I HAPPEN TO LIVE ON THE 40TH
FLOOR OF A BUILDING I HAD TO GO
DOWN 40 FLOORS AND MEET THE GUY
ON THE STREET AND COME BACK UP
AND I HAD A NURSE, A SOBER
COMPANION AND THEY CAUGHT ME
EVERY TIME I DID THIS.
LITERALLY EVERY TIME THEY WERE
LIKE GIVE US THE DRUGS THAT YOU
JUST GOT AND I HAD TO GO TO A
REHAB -- THE THING IS WHEN YOU
HAVE THE HEART ATTACK AND I
SPOKE TOO MANY PEOPLE ABOUT
THIS, WHEN YOU HAVE A
HEART ATTACK OR SOME HORRIBLE
DEATH-DEFYING ACCIDENT YOU WOULD
THINK YOU WOULD BE FILLED WITH
ITUDE BUT YOU ARE PISSED,
YOU'RE ANGRY AT THE THINGS YOU
HAVE TO DO TO GET BACK TO WHERE
YOU NORMALLY WORK, YOU'RE NOT
FILLED WITH GRATITUDE.
YOU ARE LIKE I GOT TO BE HERE
FOR FIVE MONTHS?
THE THINGS INSIDE MY STOMACH ARE
SO BROKEN UP THAT YOU CAN'T DO
SURGERY FOR A YEAR AND A HALF?
YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE TO HAVE A
COLOSTOMY BAG -- I WILL LEAVE
YOU WITH A COUPLE IF YOU WANT.
>> Bill: DO YOU HAVE ONE NOW?
>> NO.
>> Bill: YOU HAD AT.
>> YOU HAD IT REMOVED.
>> Bill: YOUR COLON IS WORKING
AGAIN.
>> Bill: WE TALKED ABOU YOUR
ASK HIM LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR
DI
>> SURE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: YOU SAY YOU STARTED
IN HIGH SCHOOL DRINKING HEAVILY,
YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE IN THE TENT
IN HIGH SCHOOL, I COULDN'T KEEP
DOWN IN HIGH SCHOOL.
>> THAT'S KIND OF MEAN NOW.
>> Bill: I'M SORRY.
THE MAN BODY IS RESILIENT TO
LOSS TO THE COL YOU GOT THAT
BACK I'M SURE THE DICK IS ON THE
WAY.
>> I'M NOT SURE IF YOU'REHITTINW
WHAT THAT --
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: I'M NOT HITTING ON
YOU BUT I AM GOING TO MAKE A
PREDICTION ABOUT YOU.
I THINK YOU ARE ABOUT TO ENTER A
VERY, VERY PRODUCTIVE.
BACK OF YOUR ACTING CAREER.
WE KNOW YOU FROM THE PAST, WE
LOVE TT, THE BIGGEST HIT STILL
ON TELEVISION, FRIENDS.
NOW YOU ARE THE MATURE GUY,
YOU'RE AT THE AGE WERE ACTORS
GET REALLY GREAT, THINK
BECAUSE I HAVE HAD ALL THIS
EXPERIENCE AND YOU'VE HAD ALL
THIS PAIN WHICH IS BAD IN LIFE
BUT GOOD IN ART.
I SEE PEOPLE USING YOU IN THE
NEXT 20 YEARS AND A LOT OF
REALLY GREAT ROLES AND I THINK
YOU'RE GOING TO DO SOME AMAZING
WORK.
>> A COUPLE OF GOOD FRIENDS OF
MINE HAVE SAID YOU BEST WORK IS
TO COME.
>> Bill: I BELIEVE THAT
BECAUSE YOU HAVE THIS EXPERIENCE
THAT YOU CAN USE.
IT'S NOT GOING TO BE CHANDLER,
BUT IT'S GOING TO BE BETTER
STUFF AND MORE MATURE STUFF.
>> I'VE FOUND IN THE TALK SHOW
TOUR I'VE BEEN ON, IT'S BEEN
MU MORE ADULT.
I USED TO COME ON THESE THINGS
AND WRITE JOKES -- I'M SO
AWKWARD AND THIS HASN'T BEEN
THAT.
I'VE BEEN QUIET HERE, I'VE
WAITED TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I
WANT TO SAY.
>> Bill: AND HONEST, YOU'RE
TELLING US EVERYTHING YOU'RE
TELLING US MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE
KNOW ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE AND
YOU'RE DOING IT IN A WAY THAT
HOPEFULLY WILL HELP SOME OTHER
PEOPLE AND I THINK IT HAS.
>> IT HAS HELPED ME.
GETTING TO A POINT WHERE I WAS
SAFE, YOU CAN'T GIVE AWAY WHAT
N'T HAVE.
IF I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO USE
IN THREE WEEKS I CAN'T START
HELPING PEOPLE.
>> Bill: DO YOU STILL FEEL THE
URGE?
>> NO, I DON'T.
>> Bill: GOOD, THEN DON'T COME
TO THE PARTY.
GREAT TO SEE YOU, GLAD YOU ARE
HERE WITH US.
LET'S MEET OUR PANEL!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HERE THEY ARE!
SHE'NN ANCHOR AND HOST OF
SIRIUSXM LAURA COATES
SHOW: LAURA COATES.
BACK WITH US.PPLAUS
HE'S A SOCIAL PSYCHOLOGIST AT
NYU'S STERN SCHOOL OF BUSINESS
AND CO-AUTHOR OF THE CODDLING OF
THE AMERICAN MIND: HOW GOOD
INTENTIONS AND BAD IDEAS ARE
SETTING UP A GENERATION FOR
FAILURE: JONATHAN HAIDT.
GREAT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BEFORE I GET INTO THE NEWS -- I
WANT TO WELL WISH TO MY FRIEND
JAY LENO, HAD AN ACCIDENT THIS
WEEK BUT HE'S IRON AND I WANT TO
SAY WE ARE THINKING ABOUT YOU.
AS THEY SAY IN CABLE NEWS WE
HAVE BREAKING NEWS!
VERY EXCITING -- IT HAPPENS A
LOT ON AST SHOW I DON'T
KNOW WHY IT IS BUT FRIDAY
AFTERNOON -- MERRICK GARLAND I
GUESS HE DID THIS ON A FRIDAY
BECAUSE HE WAS AFRAID -- I DON'T
KNOW.
IF HE SPENT TWO YEARS THINK
ABOUT WHETHER HE SHOULD APPOINT
A SPECIAL COUNSEL OR WHAT HE
SHOULD DO ABOUT DONALD TRUMP
BEING A CRIMINAL.
NOW HE HAS MADE UP HIS MIND HE'S
GOING TO GIVE IT TO SOMEBODY
ELSE TO DO.
HE'S GOING TO APPOINT A SPECIAL
COUNSEL TO LOOK INTO THE TWO
CRIMES -- TRYING TO OVERTURN THE
2020 ELECTION, THAT THING THAT
HE DID, AND BRINGING THE
CLASSIFIED DOCUMENTS DOWN TO
MAR-A-LAGO AND PUTTING THEM IN
THE SHED SHED WITH THE CROQUET
EQUIPMENT.
[LAUGHTER]
THIS GUY JACK SMITH IS THE CHIEF
PROSECUTOR, WAS THE CHIEF
PROSECUTOR AT THE HAGUE, THAT'S
THE WORLD COURT.
HE IS GOING TO BE NOW THE
PROSECUTOR THE SPECIAL
PROSECUTOR, HE'S INVESTIGATED
WAR CRIMES AND KOS OF OH, HE'S A
SERIOUS GUY WITH A SERIOUS JOB
BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO, IT
DOESN'T MATTER HOW IT DOESN'T
MATTER WHEN, THE RIGHT IS GOING
TO SS POLITICAL.
WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN, WHY DO
IT?
>> HE IS KNOWN AS TEFLON DON,
YOU ARE CORRECT BUT THERE IS A
NEED IN SOME RESPECT FOR THE DOJ
TO COUNTER WHAT YOU KNOW IS
COMING.
DONALD TRUMP IS GOING TO SAY
THIS IS A POLITICAL
WITCH HUNT --
>> Bill: ALREADY SAID IT.
>> HE WILL SAY IT AGAIN BUT NOW
HE HAS DECLARED HE'S GOING TO
RUN AGAIN.
JOE BIDEN HAS SAID BECAUSE HE IS
INTENDED TO AGAIN THEY ARE
POLITICAL RIVALS.
THIS IS A MOMENT AT A TIME OF
THE U.S. DOES NOT NECESSARILY
TRUST OUR INSTIT OUR
SUPREME COURT, OUR COURT
INSTITUTIONS MORE BROADLY,
SAYING I'M GOING TO HEAD THIS
OFF.
HAVING SAID THAT I WAS A
PROSECUTOR, WE WERE EXPECTED TO
BE PERFECT, NEVER HAD TIME TO BE
I NEVER HAD THE TIME
MERRICK GARLAND AND THE AM
HAVE RIGHT NOW TO TAKE ALL THE
TIME TO INVESTIGATE AND LOOK AT
THE ISSUES BUT THE STAKES ARE
REALLY HIGH.
IF YOU CAN DO ONE THINGO
UN THE ARGUMENT THAT THIS
IS ALL POLITICS, WHY NOT TRY?
>> Bill: YOU'VE GOT TO COME HE
CAN'T LET A GUY GET AWAY WITH I
IT.
I KNOW T SOME BAD SIDES OF
DOING IT.
>> I WOULD ADD WE ARE KIND OF IN
A NEW ERA, WE ALL HAVE
INTUITIONS ABOUT WHAT IS PROPER
IN HOW THINGS SHOUK AND
THOSE ARE BASED ON US LIVING IN
THE 20TH CENTURY WHEN THINGS
WENT COMPLETELY NUTS.
BUT AT SOME POINT IN THE 20
TENS, EVERYTHING GOT COMPLETELY
NUTS AND I HAD BEEN ARGUING THIS
BECAUSE SOCIAL MEDIA REWIRED THE
WAY WE SHARE INFORMATION,
POSSIBILITY OF A SHARED
RSTANDING OF WHAT HAPPENED
AND WHO WE ARE.
I THINK IT'S DIFFICULT TO
SECOND-GUESS -- I HOPE THAT
MERRICK GARLAND WAS AT LEAST
THINKING ABOUT HOW THIS
PROSECUTION COULD ACTUALLY WORK
AND COME TO A PROPER CONCLUSION
AND NOT TO BLOW UP OF THE
COUNTRY.
THE PROBLEM IS EVERYONE
THINKS HE IS REACTIVE AND HE
MIGHT BE.
THE IDEA OF HE'S HAVING A
SPECIAL COUNSEL WHO WILL HAVE
DAY- OPERATIONS OF
EVERYTHING THAT'S NOT GOING TO
BE MERRICK GARLAND WHO'S GOING
TO LOOK AT EVERYTH EVERY DAY
AND DECIDE WHAT'S GOING ON, NOW
YOU WILL HAVE THE APPEARANCE OF
NOT HAVING IMPROPRIETY.
THE PROBLEM IS THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE ARE JUSTIFIED IN MANY
RESPECTS IN THINKING ARE YOU
JUST NOW GETTING TO IT, WHATEVER
IT MIGHT BE?
WERE YOU WAITING FOR HIM TO
ANNOUNCE AND HAVE THIS SPECIAL
COUNSEL BE IN PLACE?
IF THAT IS THE CASE THAT'S NOT
GOING TO CUT IT IN TERMS OF
PEOPLE BEING MORE CONFIDENT AND
YOU ARE RIGHT -- PEOPLE ARE
HAVING THAT EFFECT --
>> Bill: HE WAS A SPECIAL
COUNSEL.
>> TIMING IS NOTHING WITH A PEN
TO MAKE EVERYONE THINKS THIS IS
PART 2, IN REALITY THERE IS A
>> YOU THINK IT WOULD'VE BEEN
DIFFERENT AND I THINK YOU ARE
PROBABLY RIGHT IF RIGHT AFTER
JANUARY 6TH TH HAD MOVED.
I KEPT SAYING ON THIS SHOW, WHAT
THE FUCK IS GOING ON?
IF ONLY WE HAD SOME SORT OF
DEPARTMENT OF JUSTICE WHO COULD
DO SOME SORT OF JUSTICE
DEPARTMENT THING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LISTEN TO ASSHOLE ON THE BLOCK,
HIS NAME IS SAM BANK FREED,
MOVE OVER MARTIN -- THIS IS ONE
OF THESE GUYS.
THEY ARE CALLING HIM THE
MILLENNIAL BERNIE MADE OFF, THIS
IS THE CRYPTO GUY.
IT'S AMAZING TO ME THE THINGS
YOU DON'T KNOW THAT ARE GOING ON
IN THIS WORLD UNTIL THEY
EXPLODE.
THIS GUY -- I'M NOT IN CRYPTO
BECAUSE I THINK IT'S A PONZI
SCHEME AND I'M ROOTING FOR ITS
FAILURE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HE RAN A CRYPTO EXCHANGE WHERE
YOU CAN BUY HIMSELF CRYPTO
CALLED FTX.
HE'S KNOWN AS SBF AND HE RAN TO
FTX AND I SAY WTF.
UNLIKE BANKS WHICH HAVE THE FDIC
WHICH ENSURES YOU SO THERE CAN'T
BE A RUN ON THEM, THERE IS
NOTHING IN THE CRYPTO WORLD IT'S
THE LD WEST.
EVERY MONTH, BILLIONS ARE
STOLEN.
NORTH KOREA DOES A LOT OF IT.
THIS THING COLLAPSED LIKE IT WAS
A BANK RUN IN THE METAVERSE,
$32 BILLION AND IT TURNS OUT
HE'S A CROOK AND A CON ARTIST,
HENCE THE NAME MILLENNIAL BERNIE
MADE OFF.
THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE CALLING HIM
ON TWITTER WHICH IS NO MORE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND YET I READ IT THERE AN HOUR
AGO.
NOW THEY HAVE APPOINTED THIS
GUY -- JY THE THIRD WAS
APPOINTED AFTER ENRON COLLAPSED,
WHAT WAS THAT 2001?
BEFORE 9/11, THEY LOST
74 BILLION IN ENRON.
SO THEY POINTED THIS GUY JOHN
RAY BACK THEN TO TAKE OVER THE
COMPANY AND CLEAN IT UP FROM
ANOTHER BRINGING HIM BACK.
NOW HE'S GOING TO RUN FTX --
I'VE NEVER SEESUCH A COMPLETE
FAILURE OF CORPORATE CONTROL
AGAIN, HE RAN ENRON.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HE SAID THE SITUATION IS
UNPRECEDENTED, THE FTX GROUP DID
NOT KEEP APPROPRIATE BOOKS OR
RECORDS, IT WAS SO DISORGANIZED,
THEY WERE UNABLE TOPARE A
COMPLETE LIST OF WHO WORKED
THERE.
AT LEAST ELON MUSK KNOWS WHO HE
IS FIRING.
THE PLOT THICKENS BECAUSE THIS
GUY, SBF, THIS MILLENNIAL
MADOFF, THE SECOND BIGGEST DONOR
TO THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY AFTER
GEORGE SOROS, HE WAS ALWAYS WITH
CLINTON AND THOSE TYPES, HE WAS
AT DAVOD IT TO YOUR POINT
ABOUT WE ARE IN OUR SILOS IT'S
LIKETHING NOW -- AS LONG
AS Y ARE ON OUR TEA WE DON'T
CARE, WE DON'T LOOK, IT HAS A
VERY JEFFREY EPSTEIN FEEL.
THIS SMELLS OF THAT.
HE IS ONE OF US, HE'S ON OUR
SIDE, HE DONATES TO OUR CAUSES,
WE DON'T NEED TO LOOK TOO HARD
CON MAN. FACT THAT HE'S A
>> HIS PICTURE LOOKS SO
TRUSTWORTHY.
[LAUGHTER]
>> I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU WOULDN'T
GIVE HIM BILLIONS.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND CRYPTO.
>> NO ONE DOES, THAT'S THE
POINT.
>> IT'S CRYPTO, IT'S C.
THE IDEA THAT MONEY JT
FEELS -- IT'S NOT TANGIBLE TO
PEOPLE.
IT FEELS LIKE MONOPOLY MONEY,
THE IDEA OF THAT PHRASE FORTUNE
FAVORS THE BOLD OR THE BRAVE OR
WHATEVER IT MIGHT BE -- I DON'T
HAVE THE FORTUNE SO I DIDN'T GET
THE QUOTE RIGHTS.
THE IDEA OF THINKING ABOUT IT,
PEOPLE THINK ABOUT THAT MUST BE
ME, I CAN DO THAT I CAN DROP OUT
OF COLLEGE, I CAN RUB ELBOWS, I
CAN HAVE A MIAMI STADIUM AND
ARENA AFTER THE LETTERS AND I
THINK PEOPLE LIVE IN THIS
DELUSIONAL WORLD WHERE YOU DON'T
HAVE TO SHOW ANYTHING BESIDES
BRAVADO AND THAT GETS YOU IN
EVERY DOOR.
>> THAT'S RIGHT AND PEOPLE OF
ALWAYS BEEN FALLING FOR GET RICH
SCHEMES, THAT'S WHY WE
HAVE GOVERNMT AGENCIES IS TO
PUT A LID ON HERE IS WHERE LOTS
OF PEOPLE GET HURT.
I UNDERSTAND THE NEED FOR
INNOVATION AT DIFFERENT SPACES
BUT ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE
ORDINARY PEOPLE INVESTING THEIR
MONEY INVESTING THEIR FORTUNE IN
RETIREMENT, I THINK THIS IS
SHOWING US THERE IS A NEED FOR
REGULATION, FOR INSTITUTIONS.
SO MUCH OF WHAT CONCERNS ME NOW
ABOUT WHERE WE ARE AS A COUNTRY
IS THAT LIBERAL DEMOCRACY AND
THE FREE MARKET SYSTEM WE HAVE
ARE A KIND OF UNNATURAL AND
UNSTABLE AND THE ONLY WORK
BECAUSE OVER DECADES AND
CENTURIES WE HALT
INSTITUTIO THAT ALLOW US TO
LIVE WAY ABOVE WHAT WE ARE
DESIGNED FOR.
NO EVERYTHING IS SPEEDING
UP SO FAST, CHANGE CAN HAPPEN WE
DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS
HAPPENING AT ALL AROUND US
PEOPLE ARE LOSING FAITH IN OUR
INSTITUTIONS IN PART BECAUSE OUR
INSTITUTIONS ARE BEHAVING BADLY.
WE HAVE TO GET A GRIP ON THIS,
WE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS
HAPPENING TO US AND I'M HOPEFUL
THIS COLLAPSE WILL BRING US BACK
TO OUR SENSES AND OUR REALITY
ABOUT -- SOCIAL MEDIA IS MAKING
A MESS OF OUR SOCIAL LIVES, HOW
ABOUT BRING INTO OUR BANKING
SYSTEMS IS THAT A GOOD IDEA?
PROBABLY NOT.
[APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: WHAT I FIND SO
DISTURBING ABOUT IT IS THEY KNEW
IT WAS A SCAM.
HE JUST DID AN INTERVIEW AND
HE'S KIND OF ADMITTING I KNOW
AND HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND WHO
WOUND UP WITH ABOUT A BILLION
DOLLARS OF MONEY BECAUSE THERE
WAS SO MUCH OF IT WASHING
>> THAT'S B THAN FLOWERS.
[CHEERS A APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: HERE IS HER QUOTE, I
DIDN'T GET INTO THIS AS TRUE
BELIEVER, IT'S MOSTLY SCAMS AND
MEANS WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE SAYING
OUT LOUD, THIS IS NOT JUST
THOUGHTS IN YOUR HEAD.
I ALSO THINK THERE IS AN
INTERESTING CONNECTION HERE TH
ACADEMIA BECAUSE I WAS READING
ABOUT HIS MOTHER, SBF'S MOTHER,
A LOT OF THE MONEY CAME THROUGH
THIS GROUP CALLED EFFECTIVE
ALTRUISM, A SOCIAL MT --
LISTEN TO THIS, I LOVE THE
YOUNGER GENERATION WHEN THEY
THINK THEYDISCOVERED
SOMETHING NEW.
[LAUGHTER]
A SOCIAL MOVEMENT DEDICATED TO
USING EVIDENCE AND REASON TO
FIGURE OUT HOW TO BENEFIT OTHERS
AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE -- YES, WHY
DIDN'T WE THINK OF THAT?
FUCK.
USING EVIDENCE -- EFFECTIVE
ALTRUISM, SO ON TO SOMETHING.
[LAUGHTER]
TURNS OUT BOTH HIS PARENTS WERE
PROFESSORS AT STANFORD TO.
I'M BRINGING THIS UP BECAUSE YOU
ARE INTO THIS AREA -- THE MOTHER
WROTE AN ESSAY IN 2015, BEYOND
BLAME, SHE SAID THE PHILOSOPHY
OF PERSONAL RESNSIBILITY HAS
RUINED CRIMINAL JUSTICE AND
ECONOMIC POLIC-- IT'S TIME TO
MOVE PAST BLAME.
IT TIME?
PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY IS BAD
AND THE BLAME, THAT IS A THING
OF THE PAST?
AND NO WONDER THIS GUY IS A
FUCKING CROOK, YOU WERE RAISED
WRONG ASSHOLE.
[LAUGHTER]
>> I STUDY MORAL PCHOLOGY AND
THERE ARE SOME INTERESTING
STUDIES DONE BY A PHILOSOPHER
WHO LOOKED AT ARE PHILOSOPHERS
WHO STUDY ETHICS MORE ETHICAL?
HE LOOKED AT WHAT BOOKS GET
TAKEN FROM THE LIBRARY NEVER
RETURNED -- ETHICS BOOKS ARE
MORE LIKELY TO BE NEVER
RETURNED.
>> Bill: IS THAT RIGHT?
>> WHO CALLS THEIR MOTHER ON
MOTHER'S DAY -- PHILOSOPHERS AND
MORAL PHILOSOPHERS A LITTLE BIT
LESS LIKELY TO.
AT THE VERY LEAST THERE IS NO
SIGN THAT THINKING AND REASONING
IN STUDYING ETHICS MAKES YOU
MORE ETHICAL.
ONE THING IT DOES IS IT MAKES
YOU VERY, VERY GOOD AT POST HOC
JUSTIFICATIONS OF WHATEVER YOU
WANT TO DO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]>> Bill: TT
WHEN YOU THINK GOD IS ON YOUR
SIDE YOU CAN DO ANYTHING.
THE PEOPLE WHO ATTACKED ON 9/11
THOUGHT THEY WERE DOING GOD'S
WORK.
IT WAS A FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE.
>> GENOCIDES, IF YOU HAVE
LARGE-SCALE VIOLENCE, MOBILIZING
PEOPLE TO DO SOMETHING, MOST
LIKELY THEY FEEL THERE IS A
STRONG MORAL JUSTIFICATION
BEHIND IT.
ESPECIALLY A LIBERAL DEMOCRACY
WHERE THERE IS A NEW RESEARCH
PAPER THAT CAME OUT A COUPLE
MONTHS AGO SHOWING IN THE
COUNTRIES THAT ARE BACKSLIDING
THE MOST, THE COUNTRIES THAT ARE
BECOMING LESS STABLE
DEMOCRACIES, THOSE ARE PRECISELY
THE COUNTRIES WHERE POLARIZATION
IS RISING, IN OTHER WORDS THE
MORE YOU HATE THE OTHER SIDE,
THE MORE YOU CAN JUSTIFY
ANYTHING BECAUSE IT -- THEY ARE
AN EXISTENTIAL THREAT TO THE
COUNTRY AND THEY HAVE THE
CAPITAL TO TURN OVER THE
ELECTION, THEY WILL DO
E IT ON BOTH SIDES.
ONE OF THE CENTRAL THINGS WE GOT
TO KEEP OUR EYE ON HIS
POLARIZATION.
THE MORE WE HATE EACH OTHER THE
MORE WE ARE GOING TO DO CRAZY
THINGS TO MAKE IT
NON-SUSTAINABLE TO HAVE A
LIBERAL DEMOCRACY.
[APPLAUSE]
>> MAYBE IT'S PROSECUTOR, I
HAVE TO CALL B.S. ON HER
ENTS.
THE IDEA THAT WE HAVE TO MOVE
PAST BLAME, BLAME IS THE
COUSIN OF -- THE 16TH PLACEHE
RIBBON AND A CLASS OF 16, THERE
IS RIGHT AND WRONG, THERE IS THE
IDEA OF PUNISHMENTS.
THERE IS THE IDEA OF ACTUAL GAIN
AND IF SOMEBODY HAS DONE THE
WRONG THING YOU DON'T HAVE TO
LOOK EVERYWHERE ELSE TO ASSIGN
BLAME, SOMETIMES THE PERSON WHO
DID THE DEED SHOULD BE BLAMED
AND HELD ACCOUNTABLE.
WE TALK ABOUT PEOPLE NOT BEING
MEANS FOR US SOCIETALLY.HA
THE IDEA THAT ITS DEFLECTION ON
SOCIETY, IT'S SOCIETY SOCIETIES
PROBLEM THAT YOU SEE WHAT I'VE
DONE AS WRONG AS OPPOSED TO WHAT
I'VE DONE IS WRONG.
TO THINK ABOUT THAT IT WAS
WRITTEN YEARS AGO BEFORE HER SON
WAS INVOLVED IN ALL HE'S DOING
INSIGHT INTO HOW SHE FEELS HERE
SON OUGHT TO BE TREATED FROM
HERE OUT, THAT IS REALLY
TELLING.
>> Bill: THAT'S WHY I BROUGHT
IT UP.
I REALLY THINK -- WHEN
HISTORIANS LOOK BACK AT OUR TIME
THEY WILL NOT DIVIDE THIS INTO
RED AND BLUE AND
REPUBLICAN-DEMOCRATS, THE THINGS
THAT ARE WRONG WITH US ARE WRONG
AND BOTH SIDES IN DIFFERENT WAYS
I THINK THEY MANIFEST IN A MORE
DANGEROUS WAY ON THT FOOT
ON THE LEFT, THERE IS A ROT.
AND IT COMES FROM ACADEMIA AND
IT FILTERS DOWN, AM I WRONG
ABOUT THAT?
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL COMING
FROM.
I THINK THIS IS AN EPITOME OF
IT.
THIS IS WHAT THE MOTHER SAYS AND
THE KID ROBS YOUR MONEY.
[LAUGHTER]
>> PART OF WHAT IS HAPPENING
HERE AS WE HAVE CERTAIN
INSTITUTIONS IN OUR SOCIETY, YOU
CAN CALL THEM EPISTEMIC
INSTITUTIONS WHICH MEANSKNOWLEDE
ACADEMY IS 1 COME ON THE MEDICAL
ESTABLISHMENT, THE COURTS ARE
ANOTHER AND PLEASE ONLY WORK IF
YOU HAVE VIEWPOINT DIVERSITY,
THE ONLY WORK IF I SAY SOMETHING
AND PEOPLE ARE GOING TO
CHALLENGE ME.
THE ACADEMY HAS ALWAYS LEANED
LEFT IT IS NOT NECESSARILY A
PROBLEM, THE POLICE LEAN RIGHT
'S NOT NECESSARILY A PROBLEM
PEOPLE CHOOSE DIFFERENT CAREERS.
I STARTED AN ORGANIZATION CALLED
HETERODOX ACADEMY IN 2015 WE
ARGUED MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE SOME
VIEWPOINT DIVERSITY AND NOT BE
ORTHODOX.
WHEN EVERYBODY IS ON THE SAME
SIDE AND SOMEONE SAYS SOMETHING
CRAZY LIKE HOW ABOUT WE STOP
PUNISHING PEOP OTHER
PEOPLE ARE AFRAID TO OBJECT
BECAUSE THAT WOULD SEEM TO PUT
YOU AGAINST --
>> GROUPTHINK.
>> WHAT WE GET IS A THING CALLED
STRUCTURAL STUPIDITY.
[LAUGHTER]
>> Bill: YOU SEE IT ALL THE
TIME.
>> YOU GET SMART PEOPLE, YOU PUT
THEM TOGETHER THEY CAN'T THINK
STRAIGHT AND THEY SAY STUPID
THINGS THAT JUST PLAY REALLY
WELL AND GIVE THE RIGHT WING
LOTS OF AMMUNITION.
>> Bill: AND YOU GET ONION
HES AS POLICY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND SPEAKING OF HEADLINES THIS
IS OUR LAST SHOW BEFORE WINTER
BREAK WE WILL BE BACK ON JANUARY
THAT IS BUT IT'S AN OPEN ONE IN
MY LIFE FOR SOME -- IT'S
INAUGURATION DAY.
BEFORE WE GO WE DO FUTURE
HEADLINES FOR PEOPLE WHO GET
THEIR NEWS FROM THIS SHOW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE WILL PROVIDE THE BECAUSE WE
LOVE YOU THE AUDIENCE WE WILL
PROVIDE FOR YOU HEADLINES
THAT WILL BE THERE WHEN WE ARE
GONE SO YOU ARE NOT BEHIND.
THESE ARE THE FUTURE HEADLINES
YOU WILL SEE.
CHEMICAL IN MYPILLOW STUFFING
FOUND TO MAKE PEOPLE STUPID.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
I GUARANTEE YOU'LL SEE THAT.
BITCOIN NOW WORTH LESS THAN COIN
COIN.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
HERSCHEL WALKER INKS
SEVEN-FIGURE DEAL TO READ BOOK.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
PARIS HILTON ENDS MARRIAGE AFTER
CATCHING HUSBAND WITH ANOTHER
MANNEQUIN.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
TED CRUZ TO OPEN MUSEUM OF ALL
THE THINGS THROWN AT HIM.
AARP, BLM AND MAGICIANS UNION
ALL CALL FOR BOYCOTT OF "THAT
OLD BLACK MAGIC."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
IRS QUESTIONS TRUMP TAX
DEDUCTION FOR "GIVING AWAY
TIFFANY."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> BI SAW YOU ON "60 MINUTES" LT
SUNDAY AND I WANT TO GET INTO
THAT BECAUSE IT'S SO
FASCINATING.
I REMEMBER 20 YEARS AGO PEOPLE
WERE TALKING ABOUT PAINT CHIPS
AND SAYING WHEN KIDS ATE PAINT
CHIPS BACK IN THE DAY IT FUCKED
THEIR BRAINS UP AND THEY THOUGHT
WHEN WE GOT THE LEAD OUT OF THE
PAINT IT ACTUALLY AFFECTED CRIME
20 YEARS LATER BECAUSE PEOPLE
WHO HAD PAINT CHIPS IN THEIR
BRAIN WERE COMMITTING CRIMES
WHEN THEY GREW UP, IT'S PROBABLY
TRUE.
WE GOT RID OF THE PAINT CHIPS,
BUT NOW WE HAVE TIKTOK BRAIN.
REALLY.
AND PORN FOR WHEN YOU ARE EIGHT
YEARS OLD ON YOUR PHONE AND
SMARTPHONES WHICH MAKE PEOPLE
STUPID AND ALL THIS STUFF WHICH
IS REALLY FUCKING UP KIDS
BRAINS, THERE'S NO OTHER WAY TO
SAY IT.
I GUESS THERE IS ANOTHER WAY TO
SAY IT BUT YOU PROBABLY COULDN'T
SAY IT THAT WAY ON CNN BUT ON
THIS SHOW THAT'S HOW WE A
SAYING IT, IT'S FUCKING UP KIDS
BRAINS AND NOBODY SEEMS TO CARE
OR BE DOING ANYTHING IT.
WE SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING
MASSIVE, RIGHT?
>> I CAN SAY IT IN A DIFFERENT
WAY BECAUSE I'M WRITING A BOOK
ON WHAT HAPPENED TO GEN Z.
WHEN YOU LOOK AT MENTAL HEALTH
STATS THEY ARE PRETTY FLAT IN
THE EARLY 2000s AND RIGHT AT
2012 FOR GIRLS IT GOES WAY UP,
IT GOES UP FOR BOYS TOO BUT NOT
AS MUCH.
SOMETHING HAPPENED RIGHT AROUND
2012 -- LET'S SEE.
RST FRONT FACING CAMERA
COMES OUT, INSTAGRAM IS FOUNDED,
EVERYONE GOES ON STAGRAM IN
2012.
SOCIAL MEDIA FITS THE BILL BUT
WHAT I THINK PEOPLE NEED TO
UNDERSTAND IS IT'S NOT JUST KIDS
GOING ON SOCIAL MEDIA, IT'S THE
COMPLETE REWIRING OF CHILDHOOD
SO THAT KIDS USED TO BE OUT
HAVING EXPERIENCES, THAT'S WHAT
YOU NEED TO GROW UP AND NEED TO
WIRE YOUR BRAIN UP AND THEY HIT
PUBERTY WHICH IS ACTUALLY A
PERIOD OF HEIGHTENED BRAIN
PLASTICITY, OUR BRAINS ARE
OPENED TO EXPERIENCE AND THEN
IT'S LESS.
RIGHT AROUND AGE 11 TO AT 12 THE
BRAIN IS ALMOST LOOKING FOR MORE
INPUT FROM THE ENVIRONMENT, THAT
IS EXACTLY THE AGE AT WHICH WE
SAY TO GIRLS HERE YOU GO, HOPE
YOUR BRAIN UP TO A FIRE HOSE OF
SEE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE.
WHAT WAS YOUR WORD, FUCKED UP?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> Bill: FUCKING KIDS BRING
UP.
>> I DON'T LET MY KIDS GO ON
SOCIAL MEDIA I HAVE AN
AR-OLD AND A STUDENT BE
10-YEAR-OLD AND I THINK ABOUT
WHAT I HAND THEM, I HAVE A WATCH
I CAN CONTACT THEM I CAN REACH
THEM, THE IDEA OF HANDING
OVER TO MY KIDS A MACHINE THAT
TELLS THEM COMPARE YOURSELF TO
EVERYONE ELSE -- I'M NOT SOMEONE
WHO LIKES TO GO ON SOCIAL MEDIA
BECAUSE WALKING OUT YOUR FRONT
DOOR AND SAY ANYONE THINK I'M
CUTE TODAY?
ANYONE WANT TO CRITICIZE ME?
I'M HERE FOR YOU, GO AHEAD,
START.
I CANNOT IMAGINE GOING THROUGH
PUBERTY, GOING THROUGH
INSECURITIES, GOING H LIFE
AND NOT JUST HAVING WHATEVER
BULLYING WHATEVER INSECURITY IN
YOUR OWN CIRCLE BUT IT'S THERE
FOREVER AND IT FEELS LIKE
EVERYONE IS SEEING IT.
IT GOES FROM POINT A TO . C IN A
FEW SECONDS.
YOU HAVE PEOPLE FEELING INSECURE
INTO THEIR ADULTHOOD.
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT ON AIR
SOMEONE WILL COMMENT IN THE
COMMERCIAL BREAK DID ANYONE LIKE
IT?
WHAT ARE THEY SAYING?
THESE ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE
GROWN-UPS, WHO HAVE LIVED A LIFE
BEFORE SOCIAL MEDIA.
IMAGINE THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER --
YOU SEE KIDSOW WHO H SEEN
PEOPLE IN MASKS FOR MOST OF
THEIR LIVES TO THIS POINT HOW
DOES THAT SHAPE THEIR VIEW OF
NOW SEEING A MOUTH ONE DAY.
IMAGINE NOW SEEING A REAL
MIRROR, NOT A FILTER.
IT'S ALWAYS A FUN HOUSE AND I
MY KIDS.TAY AWAY FROM THAT FOR
>> Bill: DON'T YOUR KIDS
COMPLAIN TO YOU THAT THE OTHER
KIDS HAVE THIS AND WE DON'T?
ISN'T HARD AS A PARENT TO DO
THAT WHEN ALL THE OTHER KIDS
HAVE AT?
>> FOR ME?
NO.
[CHEERS AND PLAUSE]
WANT TO KNOW WHY -- I TELL MY
KIDS YOU CAN ADD IT TO THE BILL
FOR THERAPY IN 20 YEARS, YOU HAD
A BED, YOU HAD A HOUSE.
>> Bill: CANE YOU AN AIR
FIST BUMP ON THAT ONE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
>> YOUR KIDS ARE EIGHT ANDINE?
THEY STILL IN ELEMENTARY
OL.
WHEN THEY GO TO MIDDLE SCHOOL MY
KIDS GO TO NEW YORK CITY PUBLIC
SCHOOLS AS SOON AS THEY HIT
SIXTH GRADE THEY SAYVERYBODY
IS ON INSTAGRAM, CAN I HAVE AN
INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT?
WE ARE ALL FACED WITH THIS TRAP,
NO PARENT WANTS THEIR KIDS ON
INSTAGM BUT WE ARE ALL FACED
WITH THIS TRAP BECAUSE THE OTHER
KIDS ARE ON IT.
WE DON'T WANT KIDS TO BE
EXCLUDED BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE
THINGS ARE HAPPENING, THIS IS
WHAT'S CALLED AS A COLLECTIVE
ACTION PROBLEM.
EACH ONE OF US MIGHT BE WORSE
OFF IF WE TAKE OUR KID OFF AND
EVERYONE ELSE IS ON BUT WE WOULD
ALL BE BETTER OFF IF EVERYONE
WAS OFF.
WHAT WE NEED TO DO AS A STARTING
MOVE AND SOMETHING WE CAN ALL
DO, GET THE PHONES AND
SOCIAL MEDIA OUT OF MIDDLE
SCHOOL.
LET'S PROTECT MIDDLE SCHOOL.
IF YOU ARE WATCHING THIS AT
HOME, TALKED TO THE PRI OF
YOUR PARENTS MIDDLE SCHOOL AND
SAY CAN YOU HELP US?
HAVE SPOKEN AT MIDDLE SCHOOLS,
THEY HATE THIS TOO.
AS A STARTING MOVE HAVE THE NORM
BE NO PHONES IN SCHOOL WHEN YOU
COME TO SCHOOL PUT THEM IN A
LOCKER OR A POUCH, KIDS MUST NOT
HAVE ACCESS TO THEIR PHONES IN
SCHO -- USUALLY THE P IS
WE DON'T LET THEM TAKE THEM OUT,
NO HEROIN ADDICTS YOU CAN JUST
LEAVE THEM IN YOUR POCKET, DON'T
SHOOT UP.
WE HAVE TO GET IT OUT OF MIDDLE
SCHOOL AND WE HAVE TOTHE
KIDS OFF OF SOCIAL MEDIA UNTIL
AT LEAST HIGH SCHO
I THINK THE AGE NEEDS TO BE 16
BUT WE'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF
MIDDLE SCHOOL.
[APPLAUSE]
>> IF YOU ADDED UP, SOME OF THE
MIDDLE SCHOOL KIDS THE PARENTS
ROOM FOR THE INTRODUCTION OF
INSTAGRAM AND THEY LOVE IT.
LOOK AT THE AVERAGE MIDDLE
SCHOOL PICTURE WITHHE MOTHER
AND DAUGHTER OR THE FATHER ANDNS
GOING THEY'RE BOTH DOING IT
TOGETHER.
THEY ARE DOING IT BECAUSE THEY
LIKE IT.
I HEAR YOU AND I AGREE BUT PART
OF THE COLLECTIVE ACTION I THINK
HAS TO INCLUDE THE BUY IN FROM A
GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO LOVE KEEPING
UP WITH THE JONESES.
UNTIL WE SOLVE THOSE PEOPLE
INSTAGM FLOURISHE.
>> Bill: YOU MENTIONED THE
GIRLS, HE SAID THAT'S A MORE --
>> I HAVE INTO ALL THE
PUBLISHED STUDIES I'VE GOT AND
WHAT I CAN SHOW IS THAT THE
CORRELATIONS BETWEEN TIME ON
SOCIAL MEDIA AND MENTAL HEALTH
PROBLEMS ARE NOT HUGE BUT THEY
ARE PRETTY SOLID FOR GIRLS.
FOR BOYS IT'S NOT SO MUCH.
WHAT HAPPENED AROUND 2012 AND
ALL THE KIDS GOT SMARTPHONES
RIGHT AROUND THEN, THE BOYS
MOSTLY WENT FOR YOUTUBE AND
VIDEO GAMES AND THOSE ARE NOT
PARTICULARLY HARMFUL BECAUSE
WHEN BOYS GROW UP THEY ARE PART
OF A PACK, HUNTING AND KILLING
OTHER GROUPS OF BOYS.
[LAUGHTER]
WHEN IT'S PLAYFUL IT'S NOT --
THAT'S WHAT SPORTS IS.
>> BUT THE KILLING.
>> Bill: I FL LIKE WOMEN
WILL BE THE ONES TO LEAD US OUT
OF THIS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE
SOCIAL MEDIA IS HATED BY WOMEN
BECAUSE IT TAKES AWAY THE THINGS
THAT THEY NEED THE MOST FROM
MEN.
YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THE BALLS
BALLS TO GO UP TO A GIRL WHICH
THEY WANT THEY WANT YOU TO
DEMONSTRATE THAT.
I'M WILLING TO RISK REJECTION
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THAT
OVER THE PHONE.
AND ALSO THEY WANT T BE TALKED
TO, WOMEN LIKE TALKING YOU. GOL
THEY ARE COMMUNICATIVE
CREATURES, MEN CAN GET A BUY
WITHOUT THATUT WOMEN CANNOT.
IF ANYBODY IS GOING TO LEAD US
OUT OF THIS WISS IT'S
GOING TO BE WOMEN -- WOMEN
CANNOT LIKE TENDER,NOT
SOMETHING THAT CONFORMS WITH
THEIR BIOLOGICAL IMPERATIVE
COMMITS PERFECT FOR A MAN.
WHAT'S UP?
MY DICK.
[LAUGHTER]
>> FOR THE SAME REASONS YOU
DON'T WANT NECESSARILY TO HAVE
TO DEMONSTRATE BAUSE IT TAKES
AWAY SOME OF THE INSECURITY, THE
IDEA OF HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE
MAN WHO SAYS WHAT'S UP MY DICK
AND SWIPING LEFT OR RIGHT, A
BETTER ALTERNATIVE THERE IS A
DISTANCING OF THAT AS WELL.
WOMEN CAN LEAVE US OUT OF
EVERYTHING, IT'S GOOD TO.
>> Bill: WE'LL AND THE SEASON
ON THAT, TIME FOR NEW RULES --
THANK YOU GUYS.
NEW RULE: IF THEY CAN MAKE CARS
THAT DRIVE THEMSELVES, PARK
THEMSELVES, MONITOR BLIND SPOTS,
SENSE RAIN, KEEP YOU IN YOUR
LANE, TELL WHEN YOU'RE TIRED, OR
YOUR DRUNK, AND SEE FOR YOU AT
NIGHT, THEY CAN MAKE ONE THAT
CHANGES ITS OWN CLOCK.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME, WHEN YOUR
CAR GETS STGAIN.
[LAUGHTER]
NEW RULE: SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE A
MOVIE WHERE SUPER GLUE FIGHTS
KRAZY GLUE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN THEY REALIZE THEY
SHOULD BE FRIENDS AND BEAT THE
SHIT OUT OF GORILLA GLUE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
AND THEN 25 SEQUELS, FROM A NEW
MOVIE STUDIO THAT'S ALL ABOUT
THE "ADHESIVE CINEMATIC
UNIVERSE."
T'S NOT STUPIDER THAN FOUR
MOVIES ABOUT LEGO.
[LAUGHTER]
NEW RULE: YUSUF SHAH, THE
11-YEAR-OLD BRITISH KID WITH AN
IQ HIGHER THAN EINSTEIN HAS TO
EXPLAIN THE FASCINATION WITH
RUBIK'S CUBES.
FOR US NORMAL PEOPLE, THEY'RE
THE MOST BORING TOY EVER MADE,
BUT FOR THE MENSA CROWD THEY'RE
ENDLESSLY FASCINATING.
"LOOK, I CAN SOLVE IT IN THREE
SECONDS!"
NOBODY CARES, GENIUS, GO TO YOUR
ROOM AND SOLVE GLOBAL WARMING.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: SINCE HEINZ KETCHUP
JUST REPORTED THAT THE DESIGN
FOR THEIR BOTTLE'S SQUEEZE CAP
INVOLVED 185,000 HOURS OF
PRODUCT DEVELOPMENT OVER NINE
YEARS AND WENT THROUGH 45
ITERATIONS, SOMEONE HAS TO ASK
THEM IF ALL THAT TIME AND ALL
THAT MECHANICAL TINKERING
INCLUDED PERFECTING THE FART
NOISE.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NEW RULE: IF YOU DON'T WANT
AMERICANS TO THINK YOU'RE
CALLING US FAT COWS, YOU CAN'T
CALL YOUR ASIAN NOODLE
COMPANY "MO MO FUCK YOU."
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
THE MEAL THAT MAKES YOU SAY,
"HEY, WAIT A MINUTE."
DON'T GET CUTE WITH ASIAN FOOD.T
TELLS US WHAT'S IN IT.
LIKE PANDA EXPRESS.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND FINALLY, NEW RULE.
SINCE THIS IS OUR LAST SHOW OF
THE SEASON AND OUR THANKSGIVING
SHOW, I'D LIKE TO START TONIGHT
BY GIVING THANKS THIS YEAR TO
DONALD TRUMP AND ALL THE LOONS,
KARENS, KOOL-AID DRINKERS, D
LIST CELEBRITIES AND UNQUALIFIED
WEIRDOS HE PUT UP FOR OFFICE WHO
SCARED SOME SENSE INTO AMERICA
ON ELECTION DAY AND THUS MADE
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON SO MUCH
BRIGHTER FOR ME AND MILLIONS OF
OTHER AMERICANS.
THANK YOU, REPUBLICAN DOUCHEBAGS
CLASS OF "22.
THANK YOU DOUG
MASTRIANO AND TUDOR DIXON, KARI
LAKE AND BLAKE MASTERS AND ALL
THE OTHER ELECTION DENIERS WHO
RAN FOR SECRETARY OF STATE AND
GOVERNOR IN SWING STATES AND
LOST -- WHICH WAS ALMOST ALL OF
THEM!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND THANKS TO DECENT REPUBLICANS
LIKE BRAD RAFFENSPERGER WHO
DEFIED TRUMP AND WON.
YES, IN 2022, AGAINST
EVERYBODY'S PREDICTIONS --
EXCEPT MICHAEL MOORE -- THE
DENIERS LOST AND THE DEFIERS
WON.
AND AMERICA SHOWED THE WORLD
THAT THE REPORTS OF OUR DEATH
WERE SLIGHTLY EXAGGERATED!
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE WENT FROM "GOD DAMN AMERICA"
TO "GODDAMN, AMERICA!"
- MAYBE WE'RE NOT QUITE AS CRAZY
AS WE LOOK.
REPUBLICANS SHOWED THEY
DUMP THEIR BAGGAGE, AND
INDEPENDENTS SHOWED THEY COULD
ACTUALLY BE INDEPENDENT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
USUALLY THEY'RE JUST CLOSET
REPUBLICANS, BUT THIS YEAR THEY
DID WHAT THEY NEVER DO IN
MIDTERMS, CAME OUT IN FOR
THE PARTY IN POWER, AND TOLD THE
PARTY THAT RAN ON A PLATFORM OF
"FUCK ELECTIONS": GO FUCK
YOURSELVES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SOMETIMES THIS COUNTRY SURPRISES
YOU WITH ITS ABILITY TO REVERT
BACK TO SANE: WE SAW IT WHEN WE
ELECTED THE FIRST BLACK
PRESIDENT, AND WE SAW IT WITH
THE ACCEPTANCE OF GAY MARRIAGE,
AND WITH THE END OF DISCO.
[LAUGHTER]
WE SAW IT WHEN WE ENDED
PROHIBITION AND SEGREGATION AND
STOPPED ALLOWING DOCTORS TO
SMOKE DURING SURGERY.
ONE DAY WE MAY EVEN STOP MAKING
COMIC BOOK MOVIES.
[LAU
LAUSE]
SURE WE'RE A COUNTRY THAT CHOSE
TO DELIBERATELY EAT TIDE PODS,
BUT HOW "BOUT SOME CREDIT FOR
WHEN WE EVENTUALLY STOPPED?
[LAUGHTER]
BUT THIS YEAR -- THIS YEAR WAS
SOMETHING SPECIAL.
OUR BETTER ANGELS HAVEN'T PUT UP
A WIN LIKE THAT IN A LONG TIME.
TURNS OUT, WE'RE NOT GUILTY BY
REASON OF INSANITY, AND RIGHT
NOW
I FEEL LIKE WE'RE HAVING A "NOT
AS CRAZY AS WE THOUGHT" MOMENT
-- LET'S KEEP IT GOING.
LET'S KEEP IT GOING.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LET'S RALLY THE NORMIES, WHICH
WE NOW REALIZE ARE STILL MOST OF
US, AND BULLY THE BULLIES ON THE
EXTREME ENDS WHO ARE SUCH A TINY
PART OF US, AND YET THANKS TO
SOCIAL MEDIA AND PARTISAN
POLITICS AREBLE TO HOG THE
MEGAPHONE AND MAKE EVERYTHINGSU.
OUR FRIEND JONATHAN HERE NOTED
60 MINUTES LAST WEEK THAT THE
EXTREMISTS ARE ONLY ABOUT SEVEN
TO EIGHT PERCENT ON BOTH SIDES,
AND YET THEY GET 90% OF THE
MEDIA ATTENTION.
92% OF ALL TWEETS IN THIS
TRY COME FROM 10% OF USERS.
WHY ARE WE LETTING 15% OF THE
LATION MAKE US ALL
MISERABLE?
IT'S LIKE WE'RE LETTING THE
CRYING BABY FLY THE PLANE.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL THE "NORMAL" REPUBLICANS WHO
STEPPED UP LAST WEEK -- GREAT
BEGINNING, LET'S KEEP IT GOING.
DON'T STAY SILENT INSANITY
JUST BECAUSE IT'S COMING FROM
YOUR TEAM -- CALL OUT THE
RACY STUFF.
MARGINALIZE THE PEOPLE WHO
BELIEVE IN CRISIS ACTORS AND
[LAUGHTER]
LIZARD PEOPLE, AND WHO THINK
DEMOCRATS EAT BABIES OR RUN
PEDOPHILE RINGS
JEWISH SPACE LASERS?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT A JEWISH
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SPACE LASER IS, BUT I KNOW EVEN
KYRIE IRVING DOESN'T BELIEVE IN
IT.
[LAUGHTER]
WE ALL NEED TO CALL OUT THE
PEOPLE OF BAD FAITH ON BOTH
SIDES WHO PRETEND THINGS THEY
KNOW ARE NOT TRUE -- LIKE VOTER
FRAUD.
IT'S BEEN STUDIED A MILLION
TIMES, IT DOESN'T EXIST.
THERE JUST AREN'T HORDES OF
PEOPLE SHOWING UP IN GREY HRED
WIGS PRETENDING TO BE DEAD
PEOPLE AKING PRISON TO
VOTE FOR PATRICK LEAHY.
[LAUGHTER]
VOTING TWICE?
IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO VOTE ONCE.
YOU ADMIT THAT, AND LIBERALS
WILL ADMIT THAT GETTING A
PICTURE I.D.
IS NOT A HERCULEAN BURDEN THAT
MINORITIES CAN'T MANAGE LIKE
ANYBODY ELSE, AND WHICH MOST
DON'T EVEN OBJECT TO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE NEED MORE GRAND BARGAINS LIKE
THAT -- EVERYONE'S ALWAYS
TALKING ABOUT HOW E TIRED
OF THE EXTREMISTS AND HOW THEY
LONG FOR COME -- THEN DO
IT!
MAKE DEALS!
STOP FLIRTING WITH
AUTHORITARIANISM, AND 'LL STOP
FLIRTING WITH COMMUNISM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
STOP SAYING DEMOCRATS EAT
BABIES, AND WE'LL STOP SAYING
MEN CAN HAVE THEM.
[LAUGHTER]
STOP DENYING THE ICECAPS ARELTIG
TO DISBAND ICE.
[CAND APPLAUSE]
STOP SAYING THERE'S A WAR ON
CHRISTMAS AND WE'LL ADMIT
KWANZAA IS COMPLETELY MADE UP.
[LAUGHTER]
KEEP A LID ON THE PROUD BOYS AND
WE'LL SEE WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT
KANYE.
AND LET'S ALL AGREE TO FORM A
LESS PSYCHO UNION.
OKAY, THAT'S OUR SHOW.
WE'RE OFF FOR THE HOLIDAYS AND
BACK JANUARY 20TH.
I'LL BE AT THE MIRAGE AS,
NOVEMBER 25TH & 26TH, THE MAUI
ARTS & CULTURAL CENTER, DECEMBER
30TH, AND AT THE WAIKIKI SHELL
ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
I WANT TO THANK MY GUESTS --
WAIT A SECOND.
I ALSO WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TO
MY BRILLIANT STAFF AND THEIR
BRILLIANT INSIGHTS AND
INCREDIBLE COMPETENCE THAT THEY
LEND ME ALL YEAR LONG AND HBO --
20 YEARS TOGETHER!
THANK YOU FOR THAT.
WILL NOT SEE YOU NEXT YEAR, GO
TO YOUTUBE AND JOIN US ON
OVERTIME, THANK YOU.
♪ ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]