SO ARE YOU ENJOYING YOUR HONEY-NUT LITTLE GIRLIE Os?
THEY'RE LEPRECHAUN Os.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT FLOATING AROUND IN THERE,
LITTLE MARSHMALLOW PANTIES?
HA HA HA HA.
YOUR SON'S A PANTY EATER.
Dad and Grandma: ♪ PANTY EATER, PANTY EATER ♪
♪ JOHNNY'S A PANTY EATER ♪
[DOORBELL RINGS]
♪ THEY'RE MYSTICALLY NUTRITIOUS ♪
YOU SHOULD TRY SOME.
BOY.
HELLO. GOOD MORNING, SIR.
I'M LOOKING FOR A JOHNNY O'JENKINS.
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
YOU HAVE WON A GLORIOUS PRIZE. IT'S THE--
JOHNNY, PAY ATTENTION.
THIS IS HOW A MAN HANDLES BASIC SOCIAL INTERACTION.
GET OFF MY FRONT LAWN, SHORTY!
YOU MESS WITH THE LEPRECHAUNS, YOU GET THE CLOVERS.
YOU SON OF A BITCH. YOU PERVERT!
YOU'RE FUCKIN' DEAD, YOU FAT, OLD, UGLY COCKSUCKER.
JOHNNY, IF YOU'RE EVER IN A FIGHT WITH A MIDGET,
REMEMBER THEY HAVE WEAK KIDNEYS.
NO! NOT MY KIDNEYS!
THEY'RE SO WEAK!
WELL, SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT
BEFORE YOU RANG MY DOORBELL.
SEE, JOHNNY? YOUR OLD MAN'S STILL GOT IT.
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING, BABY. OH, YEAH.
THUNDER AND LIGHTNING.
LET IT BE A LESSON TO YOU.
DAD, I'LL NEVER FORGET WHAT I'VE LEARNED HERE TODAY.
GOOD, NOW CLEAN THIS MESS UP.
HOLY COW!
I WON THE LEPRECHAUN Os SWEEPSTAKES.
CLAY, I WON A FREE TRIP TO MEXICO.
YOU WANNA COME WITH ME?
MEXICO?
NO WAY. I'D RATHER SIT AT HOME AND CHILL FOR THE NEXT WEEK.
COME ON. IT'LL BE FUN.
NO. SITTING AT HOME'S FUNNER.
IT'S "MORE FUN," NOT "FUNNER."
I WAS ABOUT TO AGREE,
BUT NOW THAT YOU'VE CORRECTED ME,
I DON'T WANT TO GO.
WHAT ABOUT ANGUS? WOULDN'T HE WANT TO GO?
ANGUS DOESN'T LIKE MEXICO.
OH. I ALWAYS THOUGHT HE LOVED IT.
OH, WELL, I CAN'T CONVINCE BOTH OF YOU.
HOLD, PLEASE.
IF YOU CONTINUE TO HOLD YOUR BREATH,
YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO COME TO MEXICO WITH US.
ALL RIGHT, JOHNNY. YOU CONVINCED ME.
WE'RE GOING TO MEXICO.
YAY! GREAT! I'LL PACK AND COME OVER.
[CHATTERS]
HI, JOHNNY.
HI, PAULA.
GOT SOME EXCITING PLANS THAT INVOLVE THE BOTH OF US.
YOU DO?
IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.
I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS WEEKEND FOR A LONG TIME.
YOU HAVE?
YEAH, I'VE BEEN DREAMING OF IT
SINCE I WAS A LITTLE GIRL,
BUT I'VE BEEN TOO EMBARRASSED TO TELL YOU ABOUT IT.
THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I FEEL, PAULA.
I'VE BEEN DREAMING OF IT AS WELL.
MY WHOLE LIFE I'VE WANTED TO...
YES? YES? YES?
GO TO PONY CAMP!
ME, TOO!
JOHNNY, ARE YOU GAY?
NO!
WELL, A GUY WANTING TO GO TO PONY CAMP IS GAY.
IF YOU WANT, I CAN FIND OUT
IF THERE'S A PONY CAMP FOR GAY GUYS.
BUT I'M NOT GAY. I DON'T EVEN LIKE PONIES.
JOHNNY, HOW COULD YOU SAY THAT?
I'M SORRY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING.
I'M DRUNK.
WELL, DON'T GET DRUNK THIS WEEKEND,
BECAUSE I NEED YOU TO TAKE CARE OF MY DOG TOOTSIE.
YOU DO?
YEAH.
YOU DO?
YEAH.
YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE I TRUST ENOUGH,
WELL, WHO'S NOT DOING ANYTHING THIS WEEKEND.
I'M FLATTERED.
I KNEW YOU'D NEVER LET ME DOWN.
WELL, HERE ARE ALL HER TOYS,
HER BLANKIES, AND TREATS.
AND HERE'S TOOTSIE.
THERE'S MY RIDE. THANKS, JOHNNY!
I WISH SHE'D JUMP ON MY FACE LIKE THAT.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT HIDING BACK THERE?
THE DAY YOU PULL ONE OVER ON ME, KIDDO,
IS THE DAY I START LACTATING AGAIN.
YOU CALL THIS A PAYCHECK? HUH.
DON'T EXPECT ME TO GO ANOTHER WEEK
WITHOUT GETTING MY NAILS DONE.
AND IT'S COMING OUT OF YOUR LIQUOR MONEY.
MA, IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
IT'S THE ECONOMY.
EXCUSES!
MY FRIEND MADGE'S SON JUST BOUGHT HER A NEW CAR.
AND WHEN SHE ASKS ME ABOUT YOU,
WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY? HUH?!
YOU COULD SAY I JUST KICKED A LEPRECHAUN'S ASS.
[SOBBING]
Y-YOU BREAK MY HEART.
YOU HAD SO MUCH PROMISE. NOW LOOK AT YOU.
MA, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU PROUD
AS SOON AS I GET MY DRIVER'S LICENSE BACK.
YOU'LL SEE. MY SALES'LL SKYROCKET.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE?
UH, PARKING TICKETS?
HOW IN THE HELL ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO SELL ANYTHING
IF YOU CAN'T GET TO YOUR ACCOUNTS? ASSHOLE.
WILL YOU DRIVE ME?
SIT UP STRAIGHT. TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT.
WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE.
COMB YOUR HAIR. FIX YOUR TIE.
PEOPLE WON'T TAKE YOU SERIOUSLY
IF YOU LOOK LIKE A SLOB.
YOUR FATHER WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN CAUGHT DEAD
WEARING THOSE PANTS.
ACTUALLY, THESE ARE THE PANTS HE DIED IN.
NO SHIT?
HOW DID YOU GET THOSE?
DAD, ARE YOU SURE WE SHOULD BE DOING THIS?
I JUST BOUGHT HIM THESE PANTS. SHUT UP!
OK, HERE'S YOUR FIRST ACCOUNT.
LET'S JUST HOPE SOME OF YOUR FATHER'S BUSINESS SAVVY
RUBBED OFF ON YOU.
DON'T WORRY, MA. IT'S ALL RUBBED OFF NOW.
WHEN YOU GO IN THERE,
DON'T TELL THEM WHY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN COMING AROUND!
I'M NOT THAT STUPID, MA.
AND REMEMBER TO GIVE 'EM A FIRM HANDSHAKE
AND MAKE EYE CONTACT.
RIGHT. EYE CONTACT.
I'M GONNA GO IN THERE AND GIVE 'EM HELL, MA.
YOU'LL SEE.
ZIP YOUR FLY, SCHMUCK.
IT'S OPEN.
I HAVE BAD NEWS.
I CAN'T GO TO MEXICO.
I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF PAULA'S DOG TOOTSIE.
WELL, THAT'S OK.
JUST GIVE ME THE TICKET, AND I'LL BRING A GIRL.
OK.
PLEASE, ALLOW ME.
CLAY?
DAMN.
THIS BITCH HAS GOT SOME KICKING PHEROMONES.
[SNIFFS]
I KNOW.
I CAN'T WAIT TO SPEND THE WEEKEND WITH HER.
HAVE FUN.
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
CAN'T WE TAKE HER TO MEXICO?
NO, I DON'T THINK PAULA WOULD WANT THAT. SEE YA!
BUT I WANNA GO WITH YOU GUYS.
FINE. ♪ BUT I GET TO HOLD HER ♪
SO WHATEVER HAPPENED TO OLD BOB HASSLET?
LIVER DISEASE.
MY RECORDS SHOW THAT NEITHER YOU NOR YOUR UGLY PANTS
HAVE MADE A CALL ON US FOR ALMOST 6 MONTHS.
I WANT YOU OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!
HOW'D IT GO?
WHAT'S OUR NEXT STOP?
COME WITH ME!
MA, DON'T! YOU'LL EMBARRASS ME.
HEY, DIDN'T I JUST THROW YOU OUT OF MY OFFICE?
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
COME. SIT NEXT TO MOMMY.
GOOD BOY.
NOW, MR. CACKLEBAG,
HOW CAN I GET YOU AND MY SON IN BED TOGETHER?
IN A BUSINESS SENSE, OF COURSE.
I'M SORRY, MRS. JENKINS,
BUT THOSE PANTS ARE OFFENSIVE.
I CAN'T DO BUSINESS WITH A MAN WHO WEARS PANTS LIKE THOSE.
I WOULDN'T BUY OFFICE SUPPLIES FROM THOSE PANTS
IF THE LAST PAPERCLIPS ON EARTH WERE IN THOSE POCKETS.
I'VE SOLD THOUSANDS OF PAPERCLIPS IN THESE PANTS.
LIKE HELL YOU HAVE!
ALL RIGHT, BOYS. SETTLE DOWN.
I'M SORRY. IT'S THE PANTS. THEY MAKE ME CRAZY.
I'M SORRY, TOO.
THOSE PANTS DRIVE ME CRAZY AS WELL.
SO YOU CAN SEE WHAT I'M UP AGAINST HERE.
IT'S NOT EASY BEING A SINGLE MOM.
YOU KNOW, HIS DAD DIED WHEN HE WAS 38,
AND, WELL, I'VE BEEN RAISING HIM EVER SINCE.
THAT MUST BE HARD FOR YOU.
MR. CACKLEBAG,
MY SON ISN'T USUALLY THIS RAMBUNCTIOUS.
HE'S BEEN INTO THE SUGAR.
I KNOW HOW THAT IS. I HAVE A 4-YEAR-OLD MYSELF.
OH, THAT'S A FEISTY AGE.
WHAT'S YOUR BOY'S NAME?
DIGGER, AND YOU'RE RIGHT. HE IS FEISTY.
WHY, JUST YESTERDAY
HE WAS RUNNING AROUND THE PARK NAKED CHASING DUCKS.
MY DOUGIE USED TO DO THAT, TOO.
YEAH, HE DID.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "USED TO"?
[DUCK QUACKING]
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
MAYBE WE DO NEED SOME SUPPLIES AFTER ALL.
THANK YOU. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE BEEN SO LONELY SINCE HIS FATHER PASSED AWAY.
[CHUCKLES]
"FOR WHEN YOUR BITCH IS IN HEAT
AND YOUR HANDS ARE FULL."
WE'RE NOT HERE FOR YOU, ANGUS.
GO LOOK AT THE FISH.
QUIT IT, YOU FUCK!
PLEASE, GUYS, LET'S STOP THIS
BEFORE SOMEONE LOSES AN EYE.
Johnny: DON'T WORRY, GIRL.
TRUCE! I GIVE UP.
YOU WIN. HERE YOU GO, BUDDY.
HERE'S A LITTLE PEACE OFFERING.
HERE. LET ME HELP YOU PUT IT ON.
HOW'S THAT, BUDDY? YOU LIKE IT?
[CHIRPS]
GOOD.
BITCH.
[AS LEGOLAS] GIMLI, I'VE SHOT 17 ORCS BY MY BOW.
AH, LEGOLAS THE ELF,
I'LL CATCH YOU YET.
I'VE SLAIN 16 WITH MY AXE
AND STILL COUNTING.
[NORMAL VOICE] WE'RE LOSING HER.
WELL, I JUST GAVE IT MY ALL.
JUST KEEP GOING.
MY ANCESTORS DID NOT DIE
IN THE MINES OF MORIA IN VAIN!
WE'LL BE ROASTING ORC MEAT TONIGHT. AAH!
YOU'RE BLOCKING HER VIEW.
CLAY, I DON'T THINK SHE'S SEEN LORD OF THE RINGS YET.
[SNEEZES]
OH, MY GOD. DID YOU SEE THAT?
THAT WAS SO CUTE.
[SNEEZES]
DO YOU THINK SHE'S CAUGHT A COLD?
MAYBE SHE'S ALLERGIC TO SOMETHING.
BUT WHAT?
[SNEEZES]
ANGUS, YOU HAVE TO STAY IN THE CLOSET UNTIL YOU'RE DE-LOUSED.
[SNEEZES]
[BEAUTIFUL PLAYING]
[LAUGHS SLYLY]
[LAUGHS]
[PURRS]
UURRGGHH!
YOU KNOW, I THINK I SHOULD TAKE TOOTSIE HOME NOW.
YOU'RE NOT TAKING HER ANYWHERE.
YOU CAN GO HOME AND COME BACK IN THE MORNING.
PAULA GAVE HER TO ME!
THE OLSEN TWINS ARE COMING OVER LATER.
I REALLY WANT THEM TO SEE HER.
[HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] ANGUS! COME ON OUT HERE.
HI, ANGUS.
I'M MICHAEL JACKSON'S NOSE.
I HEAR YOU DON'T LIKE THE WAY YOU LOOK.
YOU WANT TO BE WHITE AND FLUFFY JUST LIKE ME.
WELL, COME ON. YOUR DAY OF BEAUTY AWAITS.
Chorus: ♪ ANGUS, IF YOU WILL ♪
♪ TRUST IN THIS NOSE ♪
♪ AND ALL YOUR DREAMS WILL BE FULFILLED ♪
♪ YOU'RE UGLY NOW ♪
♪ BUT THAT WILL SOON BE IN THE PAST ♪
♪ AFTER YOUR HOT BLEACH BATH ♪
♪ ANGUS, IF YOU WILL ♪
♪ DON'T BE AFRAID ♪
♪ TO HAVE YOUR RODENT-LIKE BLOOD SPILLED ♪
♪ WE HAVE TO SLASH AWAY... ♪
Nose: NOW THAT YOU'RE WHITE,
THE REST IS EASY.
AND NOW
THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE,
BEN AFFLECK,
WILL GIVE YOU A HAIRCUT.
SO, ANGUS, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO HAVE DONE TODAY?
OH! YOU'RE GOING FOR THE TOOTSIE!
WHEEEEE!
WOOOOOO.
WOOOOO.
THAT'S MY LITTLE FUZZY-WUZZY ANGUS.
SO CUTE.
[LAUGHS]
UUURRRGGGHHH!
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
[PSYCHO, GROUPIE, COCAINE, CRAZY PLAYING]
OK, NOW WHAT WAS SO HARD ABOUT THAT?
LOOK, I'M AN OLD LADY,
AND I JUST MADE A SALE.
WHY CAN'T YOU?
UH, 'CAUSE I'M NOT AN OLD LADY?
NO, BUT YOU ARE A MIDDLE-AGED LUNKHEAD,
SO YOU HAVE TO USE THAT TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.
"LUNKHEAD."
SO WHAT'S THE GAME PLAN?
IT'S NOT THE PRODUCT I'M SELLING.
IT'S ME...AND I'M AS CHEAP AS THEY COME.
NOW GET IN THERE AND SELL, SELL, SELL!
YOU GOT IT, MA.
I'M OK.
THERE'S NO WAY ANOTHER TAX REBATE
IS GOING TO STIMULATE THE ECONOMY.
YOU SON OF A BITCH!
WAIT. WHERE'S TOOTSIE?
TOOTSIE?
PRETTY BABY?
TOOTSIE?
PRETTY BABY?
MUFFIN ASS?
TOOTSIE?
AAH!
[I FEEL LOVE PLAYING]
I'LL TAKE 3 ERASERS.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT THING?
WE GOT A RAT.
ANGUS, WE GOT A RAT.
GO GET IT.
Johnny: THERE IT IS.
Clay: GET HIM!
THERE HE GOES!
Clay: IT'S DISGUSTING.
WE GOT HIM NOW.
THANK GOD. IT'S GONNA JUMP.
SO WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH
IS A HAIRLESS, MUTANT RODENT
WITH SUICIDAL TENDENCIES.
AH-CHOO!
TOOTSIE?
Both: NO!
THE CHICKEN HAWK SAVED TOOTSIE.
LONG LIVE THE CHICKEN HAWK.
AND NOW IT'S GOING TO EAT HER.
OH, MY GOD.
PAULA'S GOING TO KILL ME.
I KILLED HER DOG.
YOU DIDN'T KILL HER DOG.
YOU GOT IT KILLED.
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.
WHY WAS SHE SHAVED LIKE THAT ANYWAY?
DON'T LOOK AT ME. I HAVE NO IDEA.
LET'S CHECK THE SECURITY TAPE.
[EVIL LAUGHTER]
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
NOW THE WORLD HAS LOST A BRIGHT, SHINING LIGHT.
WHY THE HELL DID YOU SHAVE HER ANYWAY?
YOU'RE WORSE THAN A FUCKING CAT.
GET THE HELL OUT OF MY SIGHT!
I DON'T CARE IF I EVER SEE YOU AGAIN.
MAYBE THERE'S STILL TIME TO SAVE HER.
LET'S GO.
UHH!
[WHISTLES]
HOW ARE WE GOING TO FIND HER?
WE'RE NOT. WE'RE GOING TO GET HER A NEW DOG.
NO, WAIT. LET'S ASK THIS INDIAN.
HE MIGHT KNOW HOW BIRDS THINK.
HEY, HAVE YOU SEEN A CHICKEN HAWK
CARRYING A SHAVED POMERANIAN?
OH, SURE, I'VE SEEN 'EM.
WE ALL SEEN 'EM.
WE WERE ALL JUST TALKING ABOUT THEM.
WHO'S WE ALL?
ME AND ALL MY FRIENDS.
WELL, CAN YOU LEAD US TO THEM?
WHAT WILL YOU TRADE ME FOR IT?
WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU NAME IT.
THAT'S A SHINY BELT BUCKLE YOU'RE WEARING.
I'D LIKE A BELT BUCKLE LIKE THAT.
WHAT WERE YOU? 10 IN '92?
YOU GAVE IT TO ME LAST YEAR FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
THAT WAS THOUGHTFUL OF ME.
NOW GIVE IT TO THE INDIAN.
BY THE WAY, I'M FROM PAKISTAN.
[WHISTLING A TUNE]
[GASPS]
[COUGHS]
EWW!
[MUMBLES]
[LAUGHS]
[STICK 'EM UP PLAYING]
[GROANS]
UHH!
I GOT 3 ERASERS!
TOUCHDOWN!
PIPE DOWN IN THERE!
HE'S STILL PUMPED UP ABOUT HIS BIG SALE TODAY.
YEAH. HE SOLD-- ARE YOU READY?
300,000 ERASERS!
YEAH!
I THINK HE'S GOING TO GET PROMOTED SOON.
YOU'RE SO LUCKY TO HAVE HIM.
HA HA! TELL ME ABOUT IT.
OH, DAMN IT.
Johnny: I WISH TOOTSIE WAS HERE.
SHE'D KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO FACE PAULA.
HEY, GUYS. WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.
WHY DID YOU COME ALL THE WAY UP TO PONY CAMP?
OH...JUST TO SURPRISE YOU.
ARE YOU HIDING SOMETHING FROM ME, JOHNNY?
IS TOOTSIE OK?
UH...UM...
JOHNNY KILLED YOUR DOG.
WHAT? NO, I DIDN'T KILL IT!
YOU KILLED TOOTSIE?
NO!
HE'S RIGHT. HE GOT HER KILLED.
BIG DIFFERENCE.
I DIDN'T GET IT KILLED.
I MEAN, I DIDN'T MEAN TO GET IT KILLED!
I MEAN--
[CRYING] I'M SO SORRY, PAULA!
TOOTSIE! THERE YOU ARE.
THANK GOD YOU'RE ALIVE.
OH, I GET IT NOW.
SHE WAS NEVER DEAD.
YOU GUYS!
YOU REALLY HAD ME GOING THERE FOR A MINUTE.
KILLING TOOTSIE--
OH, MY GOD. TOO FUNNY.
WE TRY.
AND I LOVE THE NEW SUMMER CUT.
SHE LOOKS ADORABLE.
YEAH.
WE'LL TAKE CARE OF HER AGAIN ANYTIME.
SHE'S A BLAST.
JOHNNY, YOU'RE THE BEST.
ANGUS, I'LL NEVER LET A CUTE BITCH COME BETWEEN US AGAIN.
YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND AND ALWAYS WILL BE.
SORRY I FORGOT THAT.
THAT'S MY BOY.
WHERE'S TOOTSIE'S NEW BEST FRIEND?
AW, SO CUTE.
I FEEL ALL WARM AND MOIST INSIDE.
JOHNNY, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT I REALLY APPRECIATE YOUR HELP WITH TOOTSIE
THIS WEEKEND.
I REALLY ONLY DID IT BECAUSE I'M IN LOVE WITH--
WELL, I OWE YOU BIG TIME,
AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU, JOHNNY,
AND I MEAN ANYTHING,
ANYTHING AT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT,
DON'T RULE ANYTHING OUT.
LET YOUR FANTASIES RUN WILD.
I'M SO READY FOR THIS.
I CAN FEEL IT DEEP DOWN INSIDE.
WELL, MAYBE SOMETIME
IF IT'S NOT INCONVENIENT FOR YOU--
YES? YES?
MAYBE I COULD TAKE YOU TO A MOVIE?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE A DATE, JOHNNY.
WE'RE JUST FRIENDS.
WOULDN'T YOU RATHER HAVE A MANICURE BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY?
I'M NOT GAY!
GOTCHA! HA HA HA.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN PLAY JOKES AROUND HERE.
[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES I WISH JOHNNY WAS GAY.
IT'D BE EVEN FUNNIER TO SEE HIM ACT LIKE THIS WITH A GUY.
[LAUGHS]