1 00:00:01,300 --> 00:00:10,800 ♪♪ 2 00:00:27,333 --> 00:00:40,100 ♪♪ 3 00:00:40,100 --> 00:00:43,466 -This tiny young man here is Dick Cavett. 4 00:00:43,466 --> 00:00:45,733 [ Laughter, applause ] 5 00:00:45,733 --> 00:00:47,066 -I can't believe that he's here now. 6 00:00:47,066 --> 00:00:48,666 I can't believe that I know Groucho Marx. 7 00:00:48,666 --> 00:00:50,366 I can't believe that there is a Groucho Marx. 8 00:00:50,366 --> 00:00:52,866 -Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. 9 00:00:52,866 --> 00:00:56,233 -And here he is, the one, the only... 10 00:00:56,233 --> 00:00:57,600 -Groucho! -Groucho! 11 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:00,033 -My dad would not let anybody talk in the house 12 00:01:00,033 --> 00:01:01,966 when Groucho's quiz show was on. 13 00:01:01,966 --> 00:01:03,766 -Isn't he cute? [ Laughter ] 14 00:01:03,766 --> 00:01:07,266 -Well, of course I became a huge Marx Brothers fan. 15 00:01:07,266 --> 00:01:10,400 ♪♪ 16 00:01:10,400 --> 00:01:12,333 Never dared to dream I'd meet him. 17 00:01:12,333 --> 00:01:13,566 Is that a good cigar? 18 00:01:14,666 --> 00:01:18,266 -Not very, but I wouldn't waste a good cigar on this show. 19 00:01:18,266 --> 00:01:20,933 -I don't know any comedian who hasn't been influenced 20 00:01:20,933 --> 00:01:23,366 or thrilled, at least, by the slouch, the famous leer, 21 00:01:23,366 --> 00:01:25,600 and humor of my next guest. 22 00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:31,800 Groucho was worshipped and adored by very literate people, 23 00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,433 and yet everybody could laugh at Groucho. 24 00:01:34,433 --> 00:01:36,466 Your churlish attitude reminds me of the time 25 00:01:36,466 --> 00:01:38,266 I was having dinner with Groucho and -- 26 00:01:38,266 --> 00:01:39,966 -Look, you're gonna be having dinner with Groucho tonight 27 00:01:39,966 --> 00:01:41,133 if you don't beat it. 28 00:01:41,133 --> 00:01:43,266 -Is there anyone you haven't insulted, Groucho? 29 00:01:43,266 --> 00:01:44,700 -Very few people. 30 00:01:44,700 --> 00:01:47,866 I plan on you before the evening's over. 31 00:01:47,866 --> 00:01:49,633 -My guest list tonight, in alphabetical order, 32 00:01:49,633 --> 00:01:50,633 is Groucho Marx. 33 00:01:50,633 --> 00:01:52,633 -The average grown-up person 34 00:01:52,633 --> 00:01:55,466 shouldn't have to wear a hat with three balls on it. 35 00:01:55,466 --> 00:01:58,100 [ Laughter ] 36 00:01:58,100 --> 00:01:59,600 -You know who's on here tomorrow night? 37 00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:02,466 -I haven't the faintest idea, and I care less. 38 00:02:02,466 --> 00:02:05,400 [ Laughter ] 39 00:02:05,400 --> 00:02:12,500 ♪♪ 40 00:02:12,500 --> 00:02:15,000 -People have asked me, "How and when 41 00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,133 did you meet Groucho Marx, for God's sake?" 42 00:02:17,133 --> 00:02:19,200 And other people have said, 43 00:02:19,200 --> 00:02:21,700 "You and Woody Allen have been friends for years. 44 00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:22,933 When did you meet him?" 45 00:02:22,933 --> 00:02:28,300 But I met Woody one day before I met Groucho. 46 00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:32,500 We lamented the fact that his hero and one of mine 47 00:02:32,500 --> 00:02:37,066 and Groucho's god, George S. Kaufman, had died. 48 00:02:37,066 --> 00:02:39,066 And his funeral was the next day, 49 00:02:39,066 --> 00:02:41,466 and I said, "Why don't we go to the funeral? 50 00:02:41,466 --> 00:02:43,266 And he said, "Sure." 51 00:02:43,266 --> 00:02:46,600 Typically Woody, he did not. [ Laughs ] 52 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:49,100 But I didn't know enough about him then 53 00:02:49,100 --> 00:02:51,000 to not be startled by that. 54 00:02:51,000 --> 00:02:54,400 A Who's Who was there of probably everyone 55 00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:57,700 that was ever caricatured by Al Hirschfeld. 56 00:02:59,066 --> 00:03:02,966 I recognized many of them from his great caricatures, 57 00:03:02,966 --> 00:03:10,133 and I looked across, and there's Groucho...Marx 58 00:03:10,133 --> 00:03:12,466 right across from me. 59 00:03:12,466 --> 00:03:16,100 And I kvelled -- I think is the proper term. 60 00:03:16,100 --> 00:03:18,666 And then everybody started out, 61 00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:21,066 and I didn't want to lose track of Groucho. 62 00:03:21,066 --> 00:03:23,866 He went out a side door with the mob. 63 00:03:23,866 --> 00:03:27,366 And I suddenly heard a voice say, "Hello, Groucho. 64 00:03:27,366 --> 00:03:28,666 I'm Edna Ferber." 65 00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:32,133 And I thought, "We aren't in Nebraska anymore, Toto." 66 00:03:32,133 --> 00:03:35,600 I hurried to the corner and said, 67 00:03:35,600 --> 00:03:39,600 one of my most original things, if I may brag a little. 68 00:03:39,600 --> 00:03:44,700 I said, "Hello, Groucho. I'm a big fan of yours." 69 00:03:44,700 --> 00:03:46,066 And Groucho said, 70 00:03:46,066 --> 00:03:49,166 "Well, if it gets any hotter, I could use a big fan." 71 00:03:49,166 --> 00:03:53,033 And we started walking downtown. He was staying at the Plaza. 72 00:03:53,033 --> 00:03:56,933 And on the way, Groucho insulted every doorman who was visible. 73 00:03:56,933 --> 00:04:00,033 So I just thought, "Well, the gods have allowed me 74 00:04:00,033 --> 00:04:01,900 to meet Groucho." 75 00:04:01,900 --> 00:04:04,933 We're at 59th now. There the Plaza. 76 00:04:04,933 --> 00:04:06,666 He's going to lunch. 77 00:04:06,666 --> 00:04:09,733 And then the dream began. 78 00:04:09,733 --> 00:04:13,400 He said, in the voice from his game show, 79 00:04:13,400 --> 00:04:15,400 "Well, you certainly seem like a nice young man, 80 00:04:15,400 --> 00:04:18,166 and I'd like you to have lunch with me." 81 00:04:18,166 --> 00:04:19,800 I don't want to get too reverent, 82 00:04:19,800 --> 00:04:24,233 because he sort of invented irreverence on the screen. 83 00:04:24,233 --> 00:04:26,866 Will you welcome one of the landmarks of comedy, 84 00:04:26,866 --> 00:04:30,566 a great man, the incomparable Groucho Marx. 85 00:04:30,566 --> 00:04:33,400 [ Applause, up-tempo music plays ] 86 00:04:33,400 --> 00:04:47,800 ♪♪ 87 00:04:47,800 --> 00:04:51,133 [ Down-tempo introduction plays ] 88 00:04:51,133 --> 00:04:53,733 [ Applause continues ] 89 00:04:53,733 --> 00:04:58,833 ♪♪ 90 00:04:58,833 --> 00:05:00,633 -♪ Hello ♪ 91 00:05:00,633 --> 00:05:02,566 ♪ I must be going ♪ 92 00:05:02,566 --> 00:05:03,600 ♪ I cannot stay ♪ 93 00:05:03,600 --> 00:05:06,466 ♪ I came to say I must be going ♪ 94 00:05:06,466 --> 00:05:11,600 ♪ I'm glad I came, but just the same I must be going ♪ 95 00:05:11,600 --> 00:05:13,600 [ Laughter, applause ] 96 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:17,500 ♪♪ 97 00:05:17,500 --> 00:05:19,266 -Have a seat. 98 00:05:19,266 --> 00:05:22,300 [ Applause continues ] 99 00:05:22,300 --> 00:05:27,700 We had our meal, I pinching myself repeatedly. 100 00:05:27,700 --> 00:05:30,066 And I just thought -- There was a strange thing I did 101 00:05:30,066 --> 00:05:32,400 that I've always been kind of ashamed of, 102 00:05:32,400 --> 00:05:36,266 'cause I wanted to impress Groucho any way I could. 103 00:05:36,266 --> 00:05:37,900 And I was about to get to, 104 00:05:37,900 --> 00:05:40,133 "You know, I'm not just a guy off the street. 105 00:05:40,133 --> 00:05:41,600 I write for Jack Paar." 106 00:05:41,600 --> 00:05:42,833 -Did you ever tell them about the first time 107 00:05:42,833 --> 00:05:44,533 you were on the air with me? 108 00:05:44,533 --> 00:05:46,566 -I never have, and you know -- -Well, tell them. 109 00:05:46,566 --> 00:05:48,066 -Do you want to hear it? -Yeah. 110 00:05:48,066 --> 00:05:50,800 -Well, but I never get you here, and I'm gonna -- 111 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,833 -I've got to work you in somehow on the show. 112 00:05:52,833 --> 00:05:54,133 [ Laughter ] 113 00:05:54,133 --> 00:05:55,800 -You had a German girl on 114 00:05:55,800 --> 00:05:57,966 who was a defectee from East Berlin 115 00:05:57,966 --> 00:06:00,333 who had won the Miss Universe contest. 116 00:06:00,333 --> 00:06:02,033 -Beautiful girl. -Absolutely stunning. 117 00:06:02,033 --> 00:06:05,300 -We have a young fella who works on the show booking talent, 118 00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:06,966 and his name is Dick Cavett, 119 00:06:06,966 --> 00:06:08,966 and he's a Yale graduate, and he speaks German. 120 00:06:08,966 --> 00:06:10,266 Doesn't make a great deal of money. 121 00:06:10,266 --> 00:06:11,666 Just joined us a couple of months ago. 122 00:06:11,666 --> 00:06:13,666 Dick, would you come out? 123 00:06:13,666 --> 00:06:16,500 Take your time. [ Applause ] 124 00:06:17,766 --> 00:06:20,433 [ Laughter ] 125 00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:25,133 I think you are one of the most beautiful women 126 00:06:25,133 --> 00:06:26,900 I have ever seen. 127 00:06:27,766 --> 00:06:29,666 Und translaten. 128 00:06:29,666 --> 00:06:31,666 [ Laughter ] -It's scary out here. 129 00:06:31,666 --> 00:06:34,000 [ Speaking German ] 130 00:06:34,000 --> 00:06:36,466 I'm going back to Yale and get my money back. 131 00:06:36,466 --> 00:06:37,800 [ Laughter ] 132 00:06:37,800 --> 00:06:39,233 -He did this interview in German. 133 00:06:39,233 --> 00:06:41,933 I asked the questions, and he interpreted, and back and forth. 134 00:06:41,933 --> 00:06:44,166 And he was getting laughs all along -- in German. 135 00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:45,733 How can you get laughs in German? 136 00:06:45,733 --> 00:06:48,266 -Um... [ Speaking German ] 137 00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,600 -[ Speaking German ] 138 00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:59,166 -Oh, yeah. [ Speaking German ] 139 00:06:59,166 --> 00:07:01,733 She was... [ Laughter, applause ] 140 00:07:10,166 --> 00:07:13,800 This may be the end of the Yale German department. 141 00:07:13,800 --> 00:07:16,300 -One more laugh, it's gonna be the end of you. 142 00:07:16,300 --> 00:07:17,600 [ Laughter ] 143 00:07:17,600 --> 00:07:21,266 -Paar was certainly one of the strangest, oddest, 144 00:07:21,266 --> 00:07:24,700 neurotic, brilliant comic minds 145 00:07:24,700 --> 00:07:26,533 of anybody I've ever worked with. 146 00:07:26,533 --> 00:07:28,200 I adored him. 147 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,033 I don't think I ever missed 148 00:07:30,033 --> 00:07:32,466 one of the late-night Jack Paar "Tonight Show"s. 149 00:07:32,466 --> 00:07:35,533 Groucho had been on it numerous times, 150 00:07:35,533 --> 00:07:37,433 and I made a point of seeing them all. 151 00:07:37,433 --> 00:07:40,800 Jack's neurosis would strike surprisingly sometimes. 152 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,566 And one night when Groucho was on, 153 00:07:43,566 --> 00:07:46,700 backstage, Jack said, "Oh, God. Groucho Marx again. 154 00:07:46,700 --> 00:07:48,433 You know, he pushes it all the time, 155 00:07:48,433 --> 00:07:51,300 and he'll say, 'Hello, Paar. Are you above par or below par?' 156 00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:52,433 And I -- Oh, God." 157 00:07:52,433 --> 00:07:54,133 You didn't get paid once on "The Jack Paar Show." 158 00:07:54,133 --> 00:07:56,466 I remember you coming on and exacting money from him. 159 00:07:56,466 --> 00:07:58,433 -That's true. That was extortion, really. 160 00:07:58,433 --> 00:08:00,166 Because I had flopped that night, 161 00:08:00,166 --> 00:08:02,066 but I still thought I should get paid. 162 00:08:02,066 --> 00:08:03,233 [ Laughter ] 163 00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:04,866 The mere fact that you are not a sensation 164 00:08:04,866 --> 00:08:07,800 every time you appear has nothing to do 165 00:08:07,800 --> 00:08:10,266 with the shoddy sum that you're supposed to get. 166 00:08:10,266 --> 00:08:11,400 [ Laughter ] 167 00:08:11,400 --> 00:08:13,700 When Jack Paar left "The Tonight Show," 168 00:08:13,700 --> 00:08:15,700 it caused great turmoil in the country. 169 00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:17,433 He had such devoted fans. 170 00:08:17,433 --> 00:08:20,333 The network was desperate because Johnny couldn't join it 171 00:08:20,333 --> 00:08:22,666 until several months later 172 00:08:22,666 --> 00:08:25,566 because of some other contract thing. 173 00:08:25,566 --> 00:08:26,766 Didn't know what to do. 174 00:08:26,766 --> 00:08:29,800 Somebody said, "How about a stock company of hosts? 175 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:31,133 We'll get everybody 176 00:08:31,133 --> 00:08:34,133 we think could possibly host 'The Tonight Show.'" 177 00:08:34,133 --> 00:08:37,933 I entered a minority that I was glad to be part of. 178 00:08:37,933 --> 00:08:43,500 I became the Groucho Marx writer for a week. 179 00:08:43,500 --> 00:08:45,600 [ Theme music plays ] -It's "The Tonight Show," 180 00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:49,066 from New York, with guest-star host Groucho Marx. 181 00:08:49,066 --> 00:08:51,900 You took your work down to the star's office 182 00:08:51,900 --> 00:08:53,500 and laid it on his desk, 183 00:08:53,500 --> 00:08:56,233 hoped he didn't read anything that you could cringe at 184 00:08:56,233 --> 00:08:57,866 while you were still in the office. 185 00:08:57,866 --> 00:09:02,400 -And now here's the star of our show, Groucho Marx! 186 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:07,900 -I hesitantly laid my stuff in front of Groucho and left. 187 00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,766 And in Groucho's monologue that night, 188 00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:13,166 I wondered if he would use  anything  189 00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:13,166 I wrote. 190 00:09:13,166 --> 00:09:16,000 [ Cheers and applause ] 191 00:09:16,000 --> 00:09:18,800 -You notice the only ones who are applauding are the crew. 192 00:09:18,800 --> 00:09:20,300 [ Laughter ] 193 00:09:20,300 --> 00:09:22,300 In vaudeville, when I came onstage, 194 00:09:22,300 --> 00:09:24,800 the audience used to rise as one man. 195 00:09:24,800 --> 00:09:26,933 And many times, the audience was  one man. 196 00:09:26,933 --> 00:09:28,366 [ Laughter ] 197 00:09:28,366 --> 00:09:31,566 -And he did three or four things that other people had written 198 00:09:31,566 --> 00:09:33,233 or things from his past. 199 00:09:33,233 --> 00:09:35,800 -You know, it's very difficult to get into this show. 200 00:09:35,800 --> 00:09:37,466 I asked one man how he got in. 201 00:09:37,466 --> 00:09:40,166 He said, "On my brother's ticket." 202 00:09:40,166 --> 00:09:41,633 And I asked, "Where is your brother?" 203 00:09:41,633 --> 00:09:43,766 And he said, "Well, he's outside looking for his ticket." 204 00:09:43,766 --> 00:09:44,833 [ Laughter ] 205 00:09:44,833 --> 00:09:47,066 -And then he seemed to be slowing down, 206 00:09:47,066 --> 00:09:48,333 and he felt he was. 207 00:09:48,333 --> 00:09:50,066 [ Applause ] And then he said... 208 00:09:50,066 --> 00:09:53,100 -But enough of this bridled hilarity. 209 00:09:53,100 --> 00:09:56,833 -And that was one of my insert lines. 210 00:09:56,833 --> 00:09:59,533 And I knew a lot of comics wouldn't do it. 211 00:09:59,533 --> 00:10:03,766 -♪ Ever since songwriters started writing songs ♪ 212 00:10:03,766 --> 00:10:07,633 ♪ They have written songs about a rose ♪ 213 00:10:08,566 --> 00:10:13,100 ♪ Red roses, blue roses, old roses, new roses ♪ 214 00:10:13,100 --> 00:10:16,366 ♪ Roses from the north and south and west ♪ 215 00:10:17,400 --> 00:10:21,266 ♪ But here's the rose song that I love the best ♪ 216 00:10:21,266 --> 00:10:24,733 -♪ We love the best ♪ 217 00:10:24,733 --> 00:10:25,800 [ Laughter ] 218 00:10:25,800 --> 00:10:27,933 -If you knew how awful that sounded. 219 00:10:27,933 --> 00:10:29,700 [ Laughter, applause ] 220 00:10:29,700 --> 00:10:32,466 You sound almost as bad as I do. 221 00:10:32,466 --> 00:10:36,966 ♪ Show me a rose and I'll show you a girl who cares ♪ 222 00:10:36,966 --> 00:10:38,800 [ Down-tempo music plays ] 223 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:40,966 ♪ Show me a rose ♪ 224 00:10:40,966 --> 00:10:43,500 ♪ Or leave me alone ♪ 225 00:10:45,566 --> 00:10:50,633 ♪ Show me a rose and I'll show you a stag at bay ♪ 226 00:10:52,300 --> 00:10:57,966 ♪ Show me a rose or leave me alone ♪ 227 00:10:59,433 --> 00:11:03,533 ♪ She taught me how to do the tango ♪ 228 00:11:03,533 --> 00:11:05,433 [ Mid-tempo music plays ] 229 00:11:05,433 --> 00:11:08,933 ♪ Down where the palm trees sway ♪ 230 00:11:08,933 --> 00:11:10,066 [ Down-tempo music plays ] 231 00:11:10,066 --> 00:11:13,766 ♪ I called her Rose-a-mir ♪ 232 00:11:13,766 --> 00:11:19,166 ♪ And she called a spade a spade ♪ 233 00:11:19,166 --> 00:11:24,000 ♪ Show me a rose and I'll show you a storm at sea ♪ 234 00:11:25,833 --> 00:11:31,466 ♪ Show me a rose or leave me alone ♪ 235 00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:37,266 ♪ One night in Bixby, Mississippi ♪ 236 00:11:37,266 --> 00:11:38,766 [ Mid-tempo music plays ] 237 00:11:38,766 --> 00:11:41,933 ♪ We watched the clouds roll by ♪ 238 00:11:41,933 --> 00:11:43,266 [ Down-tempo music plays ] 239 00:11:43,266 --> 00:11:47,400 ♪ I said, "My dear, how are you?" ♪ 240 00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:51,433 ♪ And she whispered, "So am I" ♪ 241 00:11:51,433 --> 00:11:53,700 [ Laughter ] 242 00:11:53,700 --> 00:11:59,166 ♪ Show me a rose, and I'll show you a girl named Sam ♪ 243 00:12:00,733 --> 00:12:06,300 ♪ Show me a rose or leave me alone ♪ 244 00:12:07,433 --> 00:12:09,400 ♪ Show me a rose ♪ 245 00:12:09,400 --> 00:12:12,166 -♪ Show me a rose ♪ 246 00:12:12,166 --> 00:12:13,500 [ Laughter ] 247 00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:19,333 -♪ A fragrant rose ♪ 248 00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:23,300 ♪ Make believe that you don't know me ♪ 249 00:12:23,300 --> 00:12:27,266 ♪ Until you show me ♪ 250 00:12:27,266 --> 00:12:29,400 ♪ A rose ♪ 251 00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,566 [ Music builds ] 252 00:12:31,566 --> 00:12:34,166 [ Applause ] 253 00:12:36,933 --> 00:12:40,500 -I'm in the office with Groucho with two of my fellow writers, 254 00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:44,233 and there's an hour or so before the show. 255 00:12:44,233 --> 00:12:47,800 So we're chatting, and the phone rang, and he picked it up. 256 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:49,533 And he said, "Yeah. Oh, right. 257 00:12:49,533 --> 00:12:51,800 No, I'm in my office here on 'The Tonight Show.' 258 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,766 Yeah. I've got three Shakespeares with me." 259 00:12:53,766 --> 00:12:58,866 That was the first time I heard writers referred to as that. 260 00:12:58,866 --> 00:13:02,566 Another time, the phone rang, and he said, "Yeah. Who is it? 261 00:13:02,566 --> 00:13:03,900 Oh, yeah. Hello. 262 00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,166 Okay. Can I call you back? What room are you in? 263 00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:11,000 485? Huh. Sounds like a cannibal story." 264 00:13:11,000 --> 00:13:14,066 ♪♪ 265 00:13:14,066 --> 00:13:17,066 We were quite nervous, because who wants Groucho Marx 266 00:13:17,066 --> 00:13:19,266 to say, "I can't use any of this crap"? 267 00:13:19,266 --> 00:13:20,766 Which some comics will do. 268 00:13:20,766 --> 00:13:23,200 One day, I'm in front of Groucho's desk 269 00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,233 with two other writers -- "Tonight Show" -- 270 00:13:25,233 --> 00:13:27,100 and he looks at something on the page, 271 00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:29,700 and he seems to rather like it. 272 00:13:29,700 --> 00:13:31,800 I said, "Can I ask what you're looking at?" 273 00:13:31,800 --> 00:13:33,900 And he said, "Yeah. It's a funny line." 274 00:13:33,900 --> 00:13:35,533 I don't remember what it was. 275 00:13:35,533 --> 00:13:38,500 "But, um, it needs a 'soitenly.'" 276 00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:40,466 And we all went, "What?" 277 00:13:40,466 --> 00:13:42,200 "It needs a 'soitenly'" -- 278 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,933 Groucho's pronunciation of "certainly." 279 00:13:45,933 --> 00:13:48,766 As in, "You certainly could have fooled me," you know? 280 00:13:48,766 --> 00:13:51,033 And he said -- He was right. 281 00:13:51,033 --> 00:13:55,666 The rhythm of the line needed that -- just that. 282 00:13:55,666 --> 00:13:59,200 People quoting Groucho will take out the "certainlies" 283 00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:01,600 and kill the line. 284 00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:04,266 As in, "And then Groucho said, 285 00:14:04,266 --> 00:14:06,633 'Well, gee, you could've fooled me.'" 286 00:14:06,633 --> 00:14:07,866 What Groucho had said was, 287 00:14:07,866 --> 00:14:09,666 "Well, you certainly could've fooled me." 288 00:14:09,666 --> 00:14:14,200 So that was interesting, Groucho editing you. 289 00:14:14,200 --> 00:14:16,700 -Groucho was sort of fearless with jokes. 290 00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:20,033 In other words, if somebody said a straight line 291 00:14:20,033 --> 00:14:23,866 that fit a joke that Groucho would hit you with, 292 00:14:23,866 --> 00:14:27,333 if they threw that straight line at him 10 times that day, 293 00:14:27,333 --> 00:14:29,466 he would do the same joke, see? 294 00:14:29,466 --> 00:14:32,533 Like Sophie Tucker used to sing a song -- 295 00:14:32,533 --> 00:14:34,100 "If you can't see Mama every night, 296 00:14:34,100 --> 00:14:35,500 you can't see Mama at all." 297 00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:37,266 That was a song. 298 00:14:37,266 --> 00:14:39,933 Now, every time I ordered sea bass, Groucho would say, 299 00:14:39,933 --> 00:14:41,800 "If you can't see bass every night, 300 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:44,000 you can't see bass at all." 301 00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:45,533 That's not the world's greatest joke. 302 00:14:45,533 --> 00:14:47,033 -Not his finest work. 303 00:14:47,033 --> 00:14:50,333 -I don't think anybody ever stole it, you know? 304 00:14:50,333 --> 00:14:51,666 But he said it. 305 00:14:51,666 --> 00:14:53,333 "If you can't see bass every night, 306 00:14:53,333 --> 00:14:54,833 you can't see Mama at all." 307 00:14:54,833 --> 00:14:58,933 Well, after 15 or 16 years, I got tired of that lousy joke. 308 00:14:58,933 --> 00:15:01,000 -Maybe 12 would be enough. -Yeah. You know. 309 00:15:01,000 --> 00:15:04,866 So there was bass on the menu one day, 310 00:15:04,866 --> 00:15:06,666 and I was sitting next to Groucho. 311 00:15:06,666 --> 00:15:09,766 I didn't want to hear "If you can't see bass every night." 312 00:15:09,766 --> 00:15:11,733 So I got up, and I whispered to the waiter. 313 00:15:11,733 --> 00:15:13,300 I says, "Bring me some sea bass." 314 00:15:13,300 --> 00:15:14,666 And the waiter whispered back, 315 00:15:14,666 --> 00:15:16,400 "If you can't see bass every night." 316 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,833 -No. [ Laughter, applause ] 317 00:15:18,833 --> 00:15:20,066 -Seriously, folks -- 318 00:15:20,066 --> 00:15:22,800 You know that I was responsible for that line? 319 00:15:22,800 --> 00:15:25,733 I mean the juxtaposition of those two words -- 320 00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:27,100 "Seriously, folks." 321 00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:30,366 Because it used to be that when a comedian was dying, 322 00:15:30,366 --> 00:15:33,100 he'd say something that he thought was very funny 323 00:15:33,100 --> 00:15:34,900 and the audience didn't laugh. 324 00:15:34,900 --> 00:15:37,633 And then he didn't know quite how to extricate himself 325 00:15:37,633 --> 00:15:39,133 from this dilemma. 326 00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:42,133 And he would say, "Well, seriously, folks," 327 00:15:42,133 --> 00:15:44,800 as though he had just had a tremendous laugh 328 00:15:44,800 --> 00:15:46,633 on that preceding... 329 00:15:46,633 --> 00:15:48,266 I started saying it all the time, 330 00:15:48,266 --> 00:15:50,066 and now I see all the comics say it. 331 00:15:50,066 --> 00:15:52,133 Fortunately, I've retired from show business, 332 00:15:52,133 --> 00:15:53,600 so I don't care. 333 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,700 Interviewers will sometimes ask me, 334 00:15:56,700 --> 00:15:58,566 "When you're writing for somebody else, 335 00:15:58,566 --> 00:16:00,833 don't you hate it when they get the big laugh?" 336 00:16:00,833 --> 00:16:02,333 I didn't feel that very much, 337 00:16:02,333 --> 00:16:04,233 and it never occurred to me that, 338 00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:07,000 "Why is he standing out there in front of this audience 339 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:08,366 and not me?" 340 00:16:08,366 --> 00:16:12,433 But something very similar to it began to happen to me. 341 00:16:12,433 --> 00:16:16,466 I remembered that I knew how to stand up in front of an audience 342 00:16:16,466 --> 00:16:18,200 as a kid magician, 343 00:16:18,200 --> 00:16:21,900 and I wonder if I might become a stand-up comic. 344 00:16:21,900 --> 00:16:25,300 -We proudly present comic Dick Cavett. 345 00:16:25,300 --> 00:16:27,866 [ Applause ] 346 00:16:30,366 --> 00:16:32,466 -Thank you. Oh, boy. 347 00:16:32,466 --> 00:16:34,700 I barely got here before the applause ended. 348 00:16:34,700 --> 00:16:38,866 -About to join us now is a young fella who used to be my writer 349 00:16:38,866 --> 00:16:40,766 on the afternoon "Merv Griffin Show." 350 00:16:40,766 --> 00:16:42,266 We were on NBC. 351 00:16:42,266 --> 00:16:44,666 And he was the least likely of all the people 352 00:16:44,666 --> 00:16:47,700 who worked on that show to ever be a performer. 353 00:16:47,700 --> 00:16:51,333 -I got on television. As they say, I was making noise. 354 00:16:51,333 --> 00:16:54,200 -And he is very quiet and shy, 355 00:16:54,200 --> 00:16:56,100 but he used to turn in awful funny stuff. 356 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,900 And after he left, he went on to write 357 00:16:57,900 --> 00:16:59,966 for Jerry Lewis and Groucho Marx. 358 00:16:59,966 --> 00:17:02,900 And just as of three weeks ago, up until three weeks ago, 359 00:17:02,900 --> 00:17:05,466 he's been with Johnny Carson on "The Tonight Show." 360 00:17:05,466 --> 00:17:07,566 -They had checked with "The Tonight Show," 361 00:17:07,566 --> 00:17:09,300 saying, "You ought to have him on." 362 00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:12,933 And whoever it was on the staff of "The Tonight Show" said no. 363 00:17:12,933 --> 00:17:14,100 -He's been very successful. 364 00:17:14,100 --> 00:17:15,433 All the New York papers 365 00:17:15,433 --> 00:17:17,366 have been writing about this bright young comedian. 366 00:17:17,366 --> 00:17:18,866 So would you all welcome Dick Cavett? 367 00:17:18,866 --> 00:17:20,700 -And I did four or five 368 00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:24,633 really good "Merv Griffin Show" appearances. 369 00:17:24,633 --> 00:17:26,600 I always mention Nebraska right after Yale 370 00:17:26,600 --> 00:17:29,066 because I found that if you just say you went to Yale, 371 00:17:29,066 --> 00:17:31,400 right away, a lot of people hate you, you know? 372 00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,866 But when you let them know you come from Nebraska, 373 00:17:33,866 --> 00:17:36,433 it seems to get their sympathy back. 374 00:17:36,433 --> 00:17:37,700 -Yeah. [ Laughter ] 375 00:17:37,700 --> 00:17:42,533 -A letter came, and it seemed to say, 376 00:17:42,533 --> 00:17:49,100 as my vision swam, return name -- Groucho Marx. 377 00:17:49,100 --> 00:17:51,566 "Caught you on 'The Merv Griffin Show' last night" -- 378 00:17:51,566 --> 00:17:55,000 and I got that old feeling. 379 00:17:55,000 --> 00:17:57,666 "I think you've struck a mother lode 380 00:17:57,666 --> 00:18:04,200 with your premise of a rube or hayseed at Yale. 381 00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:07,533 Mind that," he said. 382 00:18:08,600 --> 00:18:10,833 And I did, and it was a big help. 383 00:18:10,833 --> 00:18:13,000 [ Laughter ] 384 00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:14,800 Anyway, I had a terrible time with clothes. 385 00:18:14,800 --> 00:18:16,533 I remember one thing -- the worst thing -- 386 00:18:16,533 --> 00:18:19,000 my entire freshman year, not knowing any better, 387 00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:21,666 I wore brown and white shoes. 388 00:18:21,666 --> 00:18:23,666 Can you imagine? I just didn't know any better. 389 00:18:23,666 --> 00:18:25,533 For one thing, that isn't practical 390 00:18:25,533 --> 00:18:28,400 because the white one kept getting dirty. 391 00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,100 [ Laughter ] 392 00:18:30,100 --> 00:18:32,766 -You stay here and paralyze this audience. 393 00:18:32,766 --> 00:18:35,466 Don't make them laugh. Just paralyze them. 394 00:18:35,466 --> 00:18:37,633 -Do you think we have them in the palm of our hand? 395 00:18:37,633 --> 00:18:40,133 -I think so, yes. -Okay. Thank you, Groucho. 396 00:18:40,133 --> 00:18:41,833 -It was nice knowing you. -Right. 397 00:18:41,833 --> 00:18:43,000 [ Laughter ] 398 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:45,833 1967 was the year, 399 00:18:45,833 --> 00:18:50,133 and something from the gods landed in my lap. 400 00:18:50,133 --> 00:18:54,766 "Groucho Marx is doing a special, prime time, 401 00:18:54,766 --> 00:19:00,200 and he has asked for you to be one of the guest entertainers." 402 00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:01,666 There was a point where we taped... 403 00:19:01,666 --> 00:19:05,066 ♪ Hooray for Captain Spaulding the African explorer ♪ 404 00:19:05,066 --> 00:19:09,100 And I had seen it in a movie, of course, with the brothers, 405 00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:11,500 but I never thought I would be one of the people 406 00:19:11,500 --> 00:19:14,933 backing up Groucho Marx doing that song. 407 00:19:14,933 --> 00:19:17,600 Tell me, Captain, did you take any pictures on your trip? 408 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:19,933 -Yes. We took some pictures of the native girls, 409 00:19:19,933 --> 00:19:22,100 but unfortunately they weren't developed. 410 00:19:22,100 --> 00:19:24,166 [ Laughter ] 411 00:19:24,166 --> 00:19:26,033 But I haven't given up hope. 412 00:19:26,033 --> 00:19:29,100 I'm -- I'm going back in a couple of years. 413 00:19:29,100 --> 00:19:32,666 -♪ Hooray for Captain Spaulding the African explorer ♪ 414 00:19:32,666 --> 00:19:34,600 ♪ He brought his name undying fame ♪ 415 00:19:34,600 --> 00:19:37,100 ♪ And that is why we say hooray ♪ 416 00:19:37,100 --> 00:19:41,700 ♪ Hooray, hooray! ♪ 417 00:19:41,700 --> 00:19:44,200 [ Music ends, applause ] 418 00:19:45,700 --> 00:19:48,100 -The fun of it, of course, was being around Groucho, 419 00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:51,933 where he would ad lib things not for the air. 420 00:19:51,933 --> 00:19:54,100 So you felt like, "I'm only one of six people 421 00:19:54,100 --> 00:19:55,433 who will ever hear this." 422 00:19:55,433 --> 00:19:58,100 [ Laughter ] Thank you. Thank you. 423 00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:00,766 You know, it seems odd for me to up here doing jokes, 424 00:20:00,766 --> 00:20:02,766 because I used to write for comedians. 425 00:20:02,766 --> 00:20:04,000 That's how I started out. 426 00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:07,133 I wrote for a lot of famous comedians briefly. 427 00:20:07,133 --> 00:20:08,933 But I was fired several times. 428 00:20:08,933 --> 00:20:10,833 And once I was fired in California. 429 00:20:10,833 --> 00:20:13,233 There were no jobs. Starving. 430 00:20:13,233 --> 00:20:15,266 And I had a brilliant idea, and it worked. 431 00:20:15,266 --> 00:20:17,766 I wrote little dirty remarks and sold them to children 432 00:20:17,766 --> 00:20:19,900 who wanted to get on the Art Linkletter show. 433 00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:21,333 [ Laughter ] 434 00:20:21,333 --> 00:20:26,933 It was a rather short time between writing monologue jokes 435 00:20:26,933 --> 00:20:29,300 for Groucho Marx on "The Tonight Show" 436 00:20:29,300 --> 00:20:33,166 to standing in a big-time television studio 437 00:20:33,166 --> 00:20:35,766 being introduced by Groucho Marx. 438 00:20:35,766 --> 00:20:37,766 [ Applause ] 439 00:20:39,766 --> 00:20:41,466 -A very funny young man. 440 00:20:41,466 --> 00:20:43,533 -When you have a career of this kind, 441 00:20:43,533 --> 00:20:45,933 you will find that one of the pleasures of it 442 00:20:45,933 --> 00:20:52,200 is having a show and introducing your heroes on the air. 443 00:20:52,200 --> 00:20:54,200 Good evening. I'm Dick Cavett. 444 00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,266 [ Applause, up-tempo music plays ] 445 00:20:56,266 --> 00:20:59,900 ♪♪ 446 00:20:59,900 --> 00:21:03,933 I have not really ever done this kind of show before. 447 00:21:03,933 --> 00:21:07,333 Groucho was on my show almost immediately. 448 00:21:07,333 --> 00:21:09,266 Groucho, we're back on the air, so we can't say 449 00:21:09,266 --> 00:21:11,600 some of the things we were saying during the commercials. 450 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,600 -This is true. [ Laughter ] 451 00:21:13,600 --> 00:21:15,400 This is an unseen audience. 452 00:21:15,400 --> 00:21:17,833 You never see anybody here. -It's very weird. 453 00:21:17,833 --> 00:21:20,766 They think we can see them, but we're blinded by the lights. 454 00:21:20,766 --> 00:21:22,166 And if you look very closely, 455 00:21:22,166 --> 00:21:24,133 you can make out glasses and eyebrows. 456 00:21:24,133 --> 00:21:26,966 Can you make out anything in the balcony? 457 00:21:26,966 --> 00:21:29,666 -Well, I could if I saw how old she was. 458 00:21:29,666 --> 00:21:32,000 [ Laughter ] 459 00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:35,166 I played this dump 40 years ago. [ Laughter ] 460 00:21:35,166 --> 00:21:36,900 This is true. 461 00:21:36,900 --> 00:21:40,566 There was the Palace, the Riverside, and the Colonial. 462 00:21:40,566 --> 00:21:43,600 And this was considered the toughest audience 463 00:21:43,600 --> 00:21:46,866 in the United States on the United Booking Office circuit. 464 00:21:46,866 --> 00:21:48,933 -Hasn't changed a bit, then, has it? 465 00:21:48,933 --> 00:21:50,566 -Yes, it has, somewhat. 466 00:21:50,566 --> 00:21:54,133 No. They used to drop furniture from the second balcony. 467 00:21:54,133 --> 00:21:55,800 [ Laughter ] -Don't give them ideas. 468 00:21:55,800 --> 00:21:57,900 -There were a lot of acts that wouldn't play here 469 00:21:57,900 --> 00:22:00,900 because they would shout at the actors on the stage here. 470 00:22:00,900 --> 00:22:02,633 A lot of people wouldn't play here. 471 00:22:02,633 --> 00:22:04,866 In addition to that, it was a cut week. 472 00:22:04,866 --> 00:22:07,966 I mean if you got $1,500 for your act at the Palace, 473 00:22:07,966 --> 00:22:09,333 you'd get $1,200 here. 474 00:22:09,333 --> 00:22:12,166 That's because they hit you with chairs. 475 00:22:12,166 --> 00:22:14,266 They needed the extra $300 476 00:22:14,266 --> 00:22:16,300 for loose furniture to throw at the acts. 477 00:22:16,300 --> 00:22:17,600 [ Laughter ] 478 00:22:17,600 --> 00:22:20,400 Most talk shows, whatever coast they were on, 479 00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,500 they would do two weeks on the other coast. 480 00:22:22,500 --> 00:22:25,066 Well, I went west, to California. 481 00:22:25,066 --> 00:22:28,633 Had Groucho on for the second time. 482 00:22:28,633 --> 00:22:31,333 The only unfortunate part of that show 483 00:22:31,333 --> 00:22:34,800 is that he had acquired a wig 484 00:22:34,800 --> 00:22:38,800 that looked like a dead crow lying sideways on his head. 485 00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,633 I couldn't help noticing your hat, 486 00:22:40,633 --> 00:22:45,133 which you've won more than once here. 487 00:22:45,133 --> 00:22:47,833 -I wear them because there was a time 488 00:22:47,833 --> 00:22:51,066 where the hair was receding so swiftly 489 00:22:51,066 --> 00:22:52,933 and I wore a toupee. 490 00:22:52,933 --> 00:22:55,400 And I saw myself on the show once wearing a toupee. 491 00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:56,666 It was ridiculous. 492 00:22:56,666 --> 00:23:00,700 Just a big, greasy-looking smooth spot up there. 493 00:23:00,700 --> 00:23:02,433 There's no point to that. 494 00:23:02,433 --> 00:23:06,033 So I use this hat, actually, to play golf. 495 00:23:06,033 --> 00:23:10,600 -That dreadful wig was from the movie "Skidoo," 496 00:23:10,600 --> 00:23:15,800 and he was gifted with the wig when that movie finished. 497 00:23:15,800 --> 00:23:17,733 Because it's Groucho, you get used to it 498 00:23:17,733 --> 00:23:19,933 and it doesn't bother you after a while. 499 00:23:19,933 --> 00:23:22,166 -What are you doing out here on the coast? 500 00:23:22,166 --> 00:23:24,200 -I thought you'd never ask. 501 00:23:24,200 --> 00:23:26,766 Some people don't know that you're making a movie again. 502 00:23:26,766 --> 00:23:29,866 Groucho Marx has returned to film. 503 00:23:29,866 --> 00:23:32,766 -Yeah, I went to a movie theater the other day. 504 00:23:32,766 --> 00:23:34,900 No, actually, I did play a small part 505 00:23:34,900 --> 00:23:39,700 in that darling of the movie industry, Mr. Preminger. 506 00:23:39,700 --> 00:23:41,866 -Mm-hmm. [ Laughter ] 507 00:23:42,800 --> 00:23:45,066 -He's a second cousin to Hitler. 508 00:23:45,066 --> 00:23:47,733 [ Laughter, applause ] 509 00:23:49,966 --> 00:23:51,800 But actually, he's a nice fella. 510 00:23:51,800 --> 00:23:55,700 But he has a kind of a distaste for humanity that I... 511 00:23:55,700 --> 00:23:57,266 [ Laughter ] 512 00:24:00,633 --> 00:24:02,700 No. I'm all for that. 513 00:24:02,700 --> 00:24:05,700 I don't think there are enough people who hate. 514 00:24:05,700 --> 00:24:08,100 Everybody is too nice, I think. 515 00:24:08,100 --> 00:24:10,933 Except me. And Preminger. 516 00:24:10,933 --> 00:24:12,933 And Hitler if he's still around. 517 00:24:12,933 --> 00:24:14,066 [ Laughter ] 518 00:24:14,066 --> 00:24:17,300 -The network had erased that show 519 00:24:17,300 --> 00:24:20,400 and quite a few others before they were caught by us. 520 00:24:20,400 --> 00:24:23,466 But Frank Buxton, an old friend of mine, 521 00:24:23,466 --> 00:24:25,600 television personality 522 00:24:25,600 --> 00:24:30,033 and television director of the top series on the air, 523 00:24:30,033 --> 00:24:35,800 had been on it and had video-reel-to-reel-taped it. 524 00:24:35,800 --> 00:24:37,866 So it survives. 525 00:24:37,866 --> 00:24:40,766 -You know I haven't been paid for the last show I did here? 526 00:24:40,766 --> 00:24:42,600 [ Laughter ] 527 00:24:42,600 --> 00:24:45,333 I was just thinking of it while I was outside here. 528 00:24:45,333 --> 00:24:47,000 Do you ever pay on this show? 529 00:24:47,000 --> 00:24:48,566 -How can I apologize for that? 530 00:24:48,566 --> 00:24:50,566 -Well, you can give me the money. 531 00:24:50,566 --> 00:24:53,600 -I hadn't thought of that. -Seems very simple to me. 532 00:24:53,600 --> 00:24:55,800 -Groucho loved to disrupt. 533 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:57,800 When he would walk on a show, 534 00:24:57,800 --> 00:25:01,400 he would go off to the other side or something. 535 00:25:01,400 --> 00:25:04,100 [ Applause, up-tempo music playing ] 536 00:25:04,100 --> 00:25:06,833 Will you welcome the one, the only... 537 00:25:08,433 --> 00:25:10,933 [ Cheers and applause ] 538 00:25:10,933 --> 00:25:14,466 [ Down-tempo introduction plays ] 539 00:25:14,466 --> 00:25:16,533 [ Backup singers harmonizing ] 540 00:25:16,533 --> 00:25:21,533 ♪♪ 541 00:25:21,533 --> 00:25:26,300 -♪ A mother was chasing her boy 'round the room ♪ 542 00:25:26,300 --> 00:25:30,066 ♪ She was chasing her boy 'round the room ♪ 543 00:25:30,066 --> 00:25:32,500 -♪ 'Round the room ♪ 544 00:25:32,500 --> 00:25:33,833 [ Laughter ] 545 00:25:33,833 --> 00:25:36,966 -It's like Yiddish at church here. 546 00:25:36,966 --> 00:25:41,866 ♪ And while she was chasing her boy 'round the room ♪ 547 00:25:41,866 --> 00:25:48,000 ♪ She was chasing her boy 'round the room ♪ 548 00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:55,233 -♪ Oh, Jenny dear ♪ 549 00:25:55,233 --> 00:25:56,366 -He loved to sing. 550 00:25:56,366 --> 00:25:58,500 He would sing at the drop of a hat. 551 00:25:58,500 --> 00:26:01,000 How's that for an original expression? 552 00:26:01,000 --> 00:26:04,266 -All the songs that are written over the years in show business 553 00:26:04,266 --> 00:26:07,366 are invariably about women, mothers. 554 00:26:07,366 --> 00:26:10,166 You know, there's "Does Your Mother Come From Ireland?" 555 00:26:10,166 --> 00:26:13,133 "My Mother's Eyes," which Jessel wrote, 556 00:26:13,133 --> 00:26:14,966 "'M' Is for the Million Things She Gave Me," 557 00:26:14,966 --> 00:26:18,066 "My Yiddishe Momme," "Mama," "Mother Machree," 558 00:26:18,066 --> 00:26:19,666 "Mammy" -- all those songs. 559 00:26:19,666 --> 00:26:21,666 And they neglect fathers. They do. 560 00:26:21,666 --> 00:26:23,866 In this country, the father is nothing. 561 00:26:23,866 --> 00:26:25,033 He's a jerk. 562 00:26:25,033 --> 00:26:27,533 In most homes -- [ Thud in distance ] 563 00:26:27,533 --> 00:26:30,533 There he goes now. [ Laughter, applause ] 564 00:26:35,433 --> 00:26:37,700 You know, there's only two songs that I can recall -- 565 00:26:37,700 --> 00:26:39,533 three, actually. 566 00:26:39,533 --> 00:26:41,366 Mary Martin one sang a song 567 00:26:41,366 --> 00:26:43,100 called "My Heart Belongs to Daddy." 568 00:26:43,100 --> 00:26:45,366 That was a kind of a sexual song. 569 00:26:45,366 --> 00:26:47,733 -Really? Incestuous? -Yes, it was. 570 00:26:47,733 --> 00:26:50,533 -Not incestuous, no. Just sexual. 571 00:26:50,533 --> 00:26:53,566 And then there was a song called "Pop Goes the Weasel." 572 00:26:53,566 --> 00:26:55,566 That's a great song about fathers. 573 00:26:55,566 --> 00:26:57,066 [ Laughter ] 574 00:26:57,066 --> 00:26:59,333 Then there was one called "Everybody Works But Father," 575 00:26:59,333 --> 00:27:00,700 which was a big hit. 576 00:27:00,700 --> 00:27:02,866 And I'm gonna sing you a chorus of that in English. 577 00:27:02,866 --> 00:27:05,200 And if you like it, I'll sing it again in German, 578 00:27:05,200 --> 00:27:07,400 because this song went all over the world -- 579 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,433 all over Europe, anyhow. 580 00:27:09,433 --> 00:27:10,500 And this song went... 581 00:27:10,500 --> 00:27:13,700 ♪ Everybody works but Father ♪ 582 00:27:13,700 --> 00:27:16,100 ♪ He sits around all day ♪ 583 00:27:16,100 --> 00:27:18,900 ♪ Feet in front of the fireplace ♪ 584 00:27:18,900 --> 00:27:21,433 ♪ Smoking his pipe of clay ♪ 585 00:27:21,433 --> 00:27:24,200 ♪ Mother takes in washing ♪ 586 00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,666 ♪ So does sister Ann ♪ 587 00:27:26,666 --> 00:27:31,966 ♪ Everybody works in our house but my old man ♪ 588 00:27:31,966 --> 00:27:33,966 Now, that was a big hit. It was -- 589 00:27:33,966 --> 00:27:35,766 [ Applause ] 590 00:27:35,766 --> 00:27:38,200 -Was that in the hit parade? 591 00:27:38,200 --> 00:27:39,966 -It wasn't in the hit parade, no. 592 00:27:39,966 --> 00:27:42,033 And then, in German, it goes this way. 593 00:27:42,033 --> 00:27:44,600 ♪ Alle schaffen, aber nicht Vater  ♪ 594 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:47,233 ♪ Er geht der ganze Tag herum  ♪ 595 00:27:47,233 --> 00:27:49,966 ♪ Und raucht 'ne verdammte Pfeife  ♪ 596 00:27:49,966 --> 00:27:52,766 ♪ Das alles geht druber und drum  ♪ 597 00:27:52,766 --> 00:27:55,566 ♪ Und Mutter nimmt den Vasching  598 00:27:52,766 --> 00:27:55,566 ♪ 599 00:27:55,566 --> 00:27:58,866 ♪ Und auch die Schwester Ann  ♪ 600 00:27:58,866 --> 00:28:01,500 ♪ Alle arbeiten in unser Platz  ♪ 601 00:28:01,500 --> 00:28:04,200 ♪ Aber nicht der alter Mann  ♪ 602 00:28:04,200 --> 00:28:06,533 [ Cheers and applause ] 603 00:28:06,533 --> 00:28:08,700 [ Music builds, ends ] 604 00:28:11,100 --> 00:28:14,233 So Harry Ruby, who by a strange coincidence, 605 00:28:14,233 --> 00:28:17,600 happens to be down front here in the front. 606 00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:19,466 Stand up, Harry, and turn around, will you? 607 00:28:19,466 --> 00:28:20,633 -Harry Ruby. 608 00:28:20,633 --> 00:28:21,900 -Turn around! 609 00:28:21,900 --> 00:28:23,900 [ Applause ] 610 00:28:36,266 --> 00:28:38,300 [ Drumroll, laughter ] 611 00:28:38,300 --> 00:28:40,633 You might as well meet my beautiful wife and daughter. 612 00:28:40,633 --> 00:28:42,800 Stand up and turn around. Come on. 613 00:28:42,800 --> 00:28:45,033 [ Applause ] 614 00:28:52,533 --> 00:28:55,366 You wouldn't think with a family like that that I would cheat, 615 00:28:55,366 --> 00:28:56,600 would you? 616 00:28:56,600 --> 00:28:58,666 [ Laughter, applause ] 617 00:29:03,166 --> 00:29:05,833 -Oh. Uh... 618 00:29:05,833 --> 00:29:09,800 -I want to tell you, now that I've given you the -- 619 00:29:09,800 --> 00:29:11,800 Already a commercial? 620 00:29:13,166 --> 00:29:14,666 On my show, we used to -- 621 00:29:14,666 --> 00:29:17,066 -You don't pay attention to everything you read, do you? 622 00:29:17,066 --> 00:29:19,733 Once we were running down to the end of a segment 623 00:29:19,733 --> 00:29:22,600 and I said to the stage manager, "Are we in trouble?" 624 00:29:22,600 --> 00:29:24,800 -I'm gonna sing a song that Harry Ruby -- 625 00:29:24,800 --> 00:29:27,066 -Oh. Will we be in bad trouble if he does? 626 00:29:27,066 --> 00:29:28,300 -Yeah. 627 00:29:28,300 --> 00:29:30,500 -Groucho, can I -- -I'm always in bad trouble. 628 00:29:30,500 --> 00:29:32,166 [ Laughter ] 629 00:29:32,166 --> 00:29:36,266 -Because hesaid it in the Groucho Marx voice 630 00:29:36,266 --> 00:29:39,766 that we are conditioned to laugh at 631 00:29:39,766 --> 00:29:43,800 whether it was a joke or not, you laughed. 632 00:29:43,800 --> 00:29:45,233 We're back. 633 00:29:45,233 --> 00:29:48,100 -First stage manager I ever saw that could count up to 10. 634 00:29:48,100 --> 00:29:51,033 I thought you did that very well. 635 00:29:51,033 --> 00:29:52,866 -He can do it backwards and forwards. 636 00:29:52,866 --> 00:29:54,700 -Yes, I imagine he could. 637 00:29:54,700 --> 00:29:56,766 [ Laughter ] 638 00:29:58,300 --> 00:29:59,666 -It's the tone of your voice 639 00:29:59,666 --> 00:30:01,633 that does something to things you say. 640 00:30:01,633 --> 00:30:07,466 He loved to break the mold, and it was always, always funny. 641 00:30:07,466 --> 00:30:09,066 -What are we gonna talk about for the next three days? 642 00:30:09,066 --> 00:30:10,566 -You took a very circuitous route getting here. 643 00:30:10,566 --> 00:30:12,333 You went all around the camera, bothered the cameraman and... 644 00:30:12,333 --> 00:30:14,533 -I try to delay seeing you as long as possible. 645 00:30:14,533 --> 00:30:15,733 [ Laughter ] -Oh, I see. 646 00:30:15,733 --> 00:30:19,600 His judgment of how to do that was perfect. 647 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:25,500 -♪ Today, Father, is Father's Day ♪ 648 00:30:25,500 --> 00:30:28,800 ♪ And we're giving you a tie ♪ 649 00:30:28,800 --> 00:30:29,966 [ Laughter ] 650 00:30:29,966 --> 00:30:32,300 ♪ It's not much, you know ♪ 651 00:30:32,300 --> 00:30:35,366 ♪ It is just our way of showing you ♪ 652 00:30:35,366 --> 00:30:39,133 ♪ We think you're a regular guy ♪ 653 00:30:40,366 --> 00:30:46,033 ♪ You say that it was nice of us to bother ♪ 654 00:30:46,033 --> 00:30:51,466 ♪ But it really was a pleasure to fuss ♪ 655 00:30:51,466 --> 00:30:57,133 ♪ For, according to our mother, you're our father ♪ 656 00:30:57,133 --> 00:30:58,400 [ Laughter ] 657 00:30:58,400 --> 00:31:04,733 ♪ And that's good enough for us ♪ 658 00:31:04,733 --> 00:31:07,066 [ Applause ] 659 00:31:07,066 --> 00:31:09,233 [ Music continues ] 660 00:31:12,533 --> 00:31:14,600 Isn't that a beautiful melody? 661 00:31:14,600 --> 00:31:17,233 -That's lovely. -And a beautiful sentiment. 662 00:31:18,566 --> 00:31:21,066 "Today, Father, is Father's Day." 663 00:31:22,100 --> 00:31:24,733 Sixteen men in that orchestra. 664 00:31:24,733 --> 00:31:27,166 Nine of them are illegitimate children. 665 00:31:27,166 --> 00:31:29,833 [ Laughter, applause ] 666 00:31:29,833 --> 00:31:32,900 ♪♪ 667 00:31:32,900 --> 00:31:34,300 -How dare you? 668 00:31:34,300 --> 00:31:37,200 -Nine and a half, including the director here. 669 00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:39,400 [ Laughter ] 670 00:31:39,400 --> 00:31:44,400 ♪ The tie that you got didn't cost such a lot ♪ 671 00:31:44,400 --> 00:31:48,000 ♪ And we'll give you the same tie next year ♪ 672 00:31:48,000 --> 00:31:49,866 [ Laughter ] 673 00:31:49,866 --> 00:31:55,766 ♪ You tell us it was nice of us to bother ♪ 674 00:31:55,766 --> 00:32:02,033 ♪ But it really was a pleasure to fuss ♪ 675 00:32:03,000 --> 00:32:10,933 ♪ For they say a child can only have one father ♪ 676 00:32:10,933 --> 00:32:18,566 ♪ And you are the one for us ♪ 677 00:32:18,566 --> 00:32:24,466 ♪ Yes, you are the one ♪ 678 00:32:24,466 --> 00:32:29,700 -♪ For us ♪ -♪ For us ♪ 679 00:32:29,700 --> 00:32:32,300 [ Applause ] 680 00:32:32,300 --> 00:32:35,033 [ Music ends, indistinct conversation ] 681 00:32:35,033 --> 00:32:38,400 -On the air and off, it began to dawn on me 682 00:32:38,400 --> 00:32:41,033 that not only did I know Groucho Marx, 683 00:32:41,033 --> 00:32:46,500 but from his letters and phone calls and being with him, 684 00:32:46,500 --> 00:32:50,366 I realized that he had a real affection for me. 685 00:32:50,366 --> 00:32:51,966 In fact, on one show, 686 00:32:51,966 --> 00:32:55,700 I love the part where he walks on and just embraces me. 687 00:32:55,700 --> 00:32:59,433 One of the writers at the roundtable at the country club, 688 00:32:59,433 --> 00:33:02,800 when Groucho went to the bathroom, said, 689 00:33:02,800 --> 00:33:04,733 "You know, Groucho really adores you." 690 00:33:04,733 --> 00:33:08,133 And I thought, "I am gonna cry all over this place." 691 00:33:08,133 --> 00:33:10,633 I have to do what we call a lead-out to this commercial. 692 00:33:10,633 --> 00:33:11,933 Or would you like to read it? 693 00:33:11,933 --> 00:33:14,833 -Armour bacon -- You get a little more 694 00:33:14,833 --> 00:33:17,700 because it shrinks a little less. 695 00:33:17,700 --> 00:33:20,533 [ Laughter, applause ] 696 00:33:22,533 --> 00:33:23,866 How was that reading? 697 00:33:23,866 --> 00:33:25,566 -That was good. 698 00:33:25,566 --> 00:33:27,033 -You know, they may fire you 699 00:33:27,033 --> 00:33:30,166 and put me up here just to read the commercials? 700 00:33:30,166 --> 00:33:32,166 -You ever get tired of people copying you? 701 00:33:32,166 --> 00:33:33,833 There are many script directions -- 702 00:33:33,833 --> 00:33:37,400 You'll see "Read like Groucho" or "à la or Groucho." 703 00:33:37,400 --> 00:33:39,333 And, you know, it's a style. 704 00:33:39,333 --> 00:33:41,333 It's an individual, definite style. 705 00:33:41,333 --> 00:33:43,833 I regard it as flattering when people do that. 706 00:33:43,833 --> 00:33:45,266 I must tell you one line. 707 00:33:45,266 --> 00:33:47,933 The first show I was in was called "A Man of her Choice." 708 00:33:47,933 --> 00:33:49,833 It was a melodrama. -Yeah. 709 00:33:49,833 --> 00:33:54,600 -And in the end of the first act, there were some papers. 710 00:33:54,600 --> 00:33:56,300 They were very important papers, 711 00:33:56,300 --> 00:34:00,133 and the villain had gone to visit her in the hospital, 712 00:34:00,133 --> 00:34:01,900 the leading girl. 713 00:34:01,900 --> 00:34:05,500 And just as -- He picks up the papers from under the pillow 714 00:34:05,500 --> 00:34:07,766 and he starts to leave, and I walk on. 715 00:34:07,766 --> 00:34:09,333 I was 15 then. 716 00:34:09,333 --> 00:34:11,400 And I pull out a gun and I say, "Stop. 717 00:34:11,400 --> 00:34:14,066 Move one step, and I'll blow you to smithereens. 718 00:34:14,066 --> 00:34:16,000 And the curtain came down. 719 00:34:16,000 --> 00:34:18,700 That's all there is to it. It's nothing funny. 720 00:34:18,700 --> 00:34:20,233 It was tragic. [ Laughter ] 721 00:34:20,233 --> 00:34:23,200 I was getting $6 a week in this show. 722 00:34:23,200 --> 00:34:25,166 -Weren't you tempted to get a laugh with the line 723 00:34:25,166 --> 00:34:27,366 or do something silly? -No. I didn't know it was funny. 724 00:34:27,366 --> 00:34:29,800 It wasn't. It was funny to the audience. 725 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:31,400 To me, I was sincere. 726 00:34:31,400 --> 00:34:32,900 -Groucho complained once. 727 00:34:32,900 --> 00:34:37,200 He said, "You know, I can't insult anybody anymore." 728 00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:39,366 And I said, "How do you mean?" and he said, 729 00:34:39,366 --> 00:34:41,900 "Whatever I say, they laugh at it." 730 00:34:41,900 --> 00:34:44,333 I was in a restaurant in California having lunch, 731 00:34:44,333 --> 00:34:46,366 and a couple of walked over. 732 00:34:46,366 --> 00:34:47,933 And the guy said, 733 00:34:47,933 --> 00:34:51,500 "Hey, Groucho, say something insulting to my wife." 734 00:34:51,500 --> 00:34:53,766 Groucho said, "With a wife like that, 735 00:34:53,766 --> 00:34:56,766 you should be able to think of your own insults." 736 00:34:57,600 --> 00:35:00,400 You know, Groucho, when I see the Marx Brothers films -- 737 00:35:00,400 --> 00:35:02,300 They come to the New Yorker Theatre, 738 00:35:02,300 --> 00:35:04,733 and on weekends, there are lines around the block 739 00:35:04,733 --> 00:35:06,800 every time they play there. 740 00:35:06,800 --> 00:35:09,933 And I often wondered if they were ever censored 741 00:35:09,933 --> 00:35:11,466 in those days. 742 00:35:11,466 --> 00:35:13,400 -Well, when we made "Night at the Opera" -- 743 00:35:13,400 --> 00:35:15,533 that was in 1935 -- 744 00:35:15,533 --> 00:35:19,333 I had the most innocuous line in that thing that you -- 745 00:35:19,333 --> 00:35:22,566 You know, today I understand there's a play on Broadway 746 00:35:22,566 --> 00:35:25,600 where five men come out naked. 747 00:35:25,600 --> 00:35:27,166 -That's true. -This is true. 748 00:35:27,166 --> 00:35:29,300 It's called "Hair"? Is that the name of it? 749 00:35:29,300 --> 00:35:30,400 -Yeah. -Is it "Hair"? 750 00:35:30,400 --> 00:35:32,600 -That's certainly a most appropriate name 751 00:35:32,600 --> 00:35:34,433 for a play like that. 752 00:35:34,433 --> 00:35:36,033 [ Laughter ] 753 00:35:36,033 --> 00:35:37,633 -Oh. 754 00:35:38,633 --> 00:35:39,700 -No. 755 00:35:39,700 --> 00:35:41,766 It shows how the morality of the country -- 756 00:35:41,766 --> 00:35:43,733 I guess the whole world -- has changed. 757 00:35:43,733 --> 00:35:47,600 Today there isn't anything you can't say on the stage. 758 00:35:47,600 --> 00:35:48,633 The Palace Theatre -- 759 00:35:48,633 --> 00:35:51,133 and this applies to this one too -- 760 00:35:51,133 --> 00:35:53,900 where the electrician's switchboard is, 761 00:35:53,900 --> 00:35:55,633 they used to have a sign. 762 00:35:55,633 --> 00:35:58,133 It was in every one of the first-class theaters. 763 00:35:58,133 --> 00:36:01,600 "Anyone using the words 'hell' or 'damn' 764 00:36:01,600 --> 00:36:03,666 will be discharged from the show." 765 00:36:03,666 --> 00:36:06,100 Now, imagine they should go and see that show 766 00:36:06,100 --> 00:36:07,600 with these five fellas in it. 767 00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:08,600 [ Laughter ] 768 00:36:08,600 --> 00:36:10,733 Have you heard about this show? 769 00:36:10,733 --> 00:36:11,733 -Yes, I have. 770 00:36:11,733 --> 00:36:13,900 -I was going to go, but I saw myself 771 00:36:13,900 --> 00:36:15,766 in the mirror one morning... 772 00:36:15,766 --> 00:36:17,066 [ Laughter ] 773 00:36:17,066 --> 00:36:20,500 ...and I figured, "Why waste five and a half dollars?" 774 00:36:20,500 --> 00:36:22,066 [ Laughter ] 775 00:36:22,066 --> 00:36:24,266 Now, when you see people walking around naked 776 00:36:24,266 --> 00:36:26,033 in the audience and on the stage, 777 00:36:26,033 --> 00:36:29,000 it's a whole different kind of world that moved in. 778 00:36:29,000 --> 00:36:31,233 I don't belong in this world, really. 779 00:36:31,233 --> 00:36:32,466 I'm an incongruity. 780 00:36:32,466 --> 00:36:34,466 -He was talking about the structure of jokes, 781 00:36:34,466 --> 00:36:36,666 and he said vaudeville jokes were often interesting 782 00:36:36,666 --> 00:36:41,533 and complex in their construction. 783 00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:45,166 Here's an example of a well-constructed joke. 784 00:36:45,166 --> 00:36:47,833 -An actor was playing in vaudeville in a small town, 785 00:36:47,833 --> 00:36:49,800 and he got laryngitis. 786 00:36:49,800 --> 00:36:52,466 And he's looking for a doctor. He didn't know anybody. 787 00:36:52,466 --> 00:36:55,333 He walks along the suburbs of this little town, 788 00:36:55,333 --> 00:36:57,400 and he finally comes to a cottage. 789 00:36:57,400 --> 00:36:58,933 And there's a sign outside. 790 00:36:58,933 --> 00:37:01,933 It says Dr. Smith or Brown or something. 791 00:37:01,933 --> 00:37:04,766 And he can't talk very well, and he rings the bell, 792 00:37:04,766 --> 00:37:07,466 and a very pretty woman comes to the door, 793 00:37:07,466 --> 00:37:10,300 who is the wife of the doctor. 794 00:37:10,300 --> 00:37:14,133 And she opens the door, and he says... 795 00:37:14,133 --> 00:37:16,133 [Hoarsely] "Is the doctor in?" 796 00:37:16,133 --> 00:37:19,433 [ Whispering ] And she says, "No. Come on in." 797 00:37:19,433 --> 00:37:21,433 [ Laughter, applause ] 798 00:37:21,433 --> 00:37:24,833 -Of the many times that Groucho was on my show, 799 00:37:24,833 --> 00:37:29,033 there's one show we kind of referred to as the golden one. 800 00:37:29,033 --> 00:37:30,866 It was his third time on the show. 801 00:37:30,866 --> 00:37:32,166 You were telling me the other day 802 00:37:32,166 --> 00:37:34,233 a lady flirted with you, I think, in your hotel elevator. 803 00:37:34,233 --> 00:37:35,900 -Frequently, yeah. -Yeah. 804 00:37:35,900 --> 00:37:37,900 -I had one come up to me the other day 805 00:37:37,900 --> 00:37:40,133 and say, "Aren't you Groucho Marx?" 806 00:37:40,133 --> 00:37:41,400 And I says, "Yes." 807 00:37:41,400 --> 00:37:43,866 She says, "May I kiss you?" I says, "Feel free." 808 00:37:43,866 --> 00:37:46,533 I was feeling free at the same time. 809 00:37:46,533 --> 00:37:48,266 [ Laughter, applause ] 810 00:37:48,266 --> 00:37:51,400 She invited me up to her room, but I didn't want to go. 811 00:37:51,400 --> 00:37:54,833 She was an old babe. She was around 24 or something. 812 00:37:54,833 --> 00:37:56,366 [ Laughter ] 813 00:37:56,366 --> 00:37:58,800 -Oh, yes. That can be dangerous. -Yeah. 814 00:37:58,800 --> 00:38:02,833 In the Plaza Hotel once, when I was doing the quiz show, 815 00:38:02,833 --> 00:38:04,833 there was a priest in the elevator. 816 00:38:04,833 --> 00:38:06,700 I hope you're not offended by this, 817 00:38:06,700 --> 00:38:09,600 because I would tell a story about a rabbi, 818 00:38:09,600 --> 00:38:11,500 but it doesn't fit. 819 00:38:11,500 --> 00:38:12,833 Neither did the rabbi, 820 00:38:12,833 --> 00:38:15,133 and they finally threw him out of the synagogue. 821 00:38:15,133 --> 00:38:17,666 [ Laughter ] -But what happened? 822 00:38:17,666 --> 00:38:19,433 -Anyhow, this priest said to me -- 823 00:38:19,433 --> 00:38:21,266 He says, "Aren't you Groucho Marx?" 824 00:38:21,266 --> 00:38:23,833 And I says, "Yes. He says, "Gee." 825 00:38:23,833 --> 00:38:25,666 My mother's crazy about you." 826 00:38:25,666 --> 00:38:26,733 And I said says, "Really? 827 00:38:26,733 --> 00:38:29,033 I didn't know you fathers had mothers." 828 00:38:29,033 --> 00:38:32,400 [ Laughter, applause ] 829 00:38:32,400 --> 00:38:34,166 -Well, that's a... 830 00:38:35,100 --> 00:38:37,133 It was in prime time. 831 00:38:37,133 --> 00:38:41,500 ABC had a funny schedule then of putting me on -- 832 00:38:41,500 --> 00:38:44,166 I think it was Monday, Thursday, and Friday 833 00:38:44,166 --> 00:38:47,133 or some crazy schedule like that. 834 00:38:47,133 --> 00:38:49,166 And other things were on the other two days. 835 00:38:49,166 --> 00:38:50,966 In fact, when Groucho came on, I said, 836 00:38:50,966 --> 00:38:53,366 "You need a secretary to know when this show is on." 837 00:38:53,366 --> 00:38:54,966 -How have you been? -Good. I've been fine. 838 00:38:54,966 --> 00:38:56,266 It's nice to see you in New York. 839 00:38:56,266 --> 00:38:58,033 -You look fine. I'm glad you're back on the air. 840 00:38:58,033 --> 00:38:59,700 And the proper time, too. 841 00:38:59,700 --> 00:39:02,033 -Yeah. -Not at 4:00 in the morning. 842 00:39:02,033 --> 00:39:03,633 [ Applause ] 843 00:39:03,633 --> 00:39:05,700 -Groucho pointed out that in those days, 844 00:39:05,700 --> 00:39:10,100 my show was seen, at his home in California, in the morning. 845 00:39:10,100 --> 00:39:13,633 -Whenever I saw your show last year, I was eating oatmeal. 846 00:39:13,633 --> 00:39:16,000 [ Laughter ] 847 00:39:17,800 --> 00:39:21,066 That's what they called prime time in California. 848 00:39:21,066 --> 00:39:23,300 [ Laughter ] 849 00:39:23,300 --> 00:39:25,666 That isn't all they called it, either. 850 00:39:25,666 --> 00:39:26,966 [ Laughter ] 851 00:39:26,966 --> 00:39:29,766 Well, you look fine, and this show's gonna be a big hit 852 00:39:29,766 --> 00:39:31,500 because you're on at 10:00 at night. 853 00:39:31,500 --> 00:39:33,200 A lot of people are gonna watch it. 854 00:39:33,200 --> 00:39:35,633 -I'm on at 9:00 Central time. 855 00:39:35,633 --> 00:39:38,000 -Well, I-I wouldn't go that far. 856 00:39:38,000 --> 00:39:40,900 [ Laughter ] 857 00:39:40,900 --> 00:39:43,233 I would go from here to Ossining. 858 00:39:43,233 --> 00:39:45,566 -Would you? -That's as far as I would go. 859 00:39:45,566 --> 00:39:47,100 Do you know anything about Ossining? 860 00:39:47,100 --> 00:39:48,433 -Not a thing. 861 00:39:48,433 --> 00:39:50,666 If you asked me about Ossining, I would be stumped. 862 00:39:50,666 --> 00:39:52,233 -How long since you've been stumped? 863 00:39:52,233 --> 00:39:54,033 I don't know. 864 00:39:54,033 --> 00:39:55,333 [ Laughter ] 865 00:39:55,333 --> 00:39:59,233 -Groucho was hot from the first moment to the end. 866 00:39:59,233 --> 00:40:02,500 He was nostalgic in a fascinating way. 867 00:40:02,500 --> 00:40:04,366 It's odd to see you in New York. You're usually in Cal-- 868 00:40:04,366 --> 00:40:06,700 -It's hard to see me? -No. Odd to see you in New York. 869 00:40:06,700 --> 00:40:08,766 -Oh, yes. I don't come here very often anymore. 870 00:40:08,766 --> 00:40:10,366 This is my birthplace. 871 00:40:10,366 --> 00:40:14,233 I was born on 78th Street, between Lexington and Third. 872 00:40:14,233 --> 00:40:16,366 [ Applause ] 873 00:40:16,366 --> 00:40:18,866 And then we moved to 93rd Street, 874 00:40:18,866 --> 00:40:21,000 and I lived there for about 14 years. 875 00:40:21,000 --> 00:40:22,666 -Mm-hmm. I was there the other day. 876 00:40:22,666 --> 00:40:25,133 They're tearing down part of your old neighborhood. 877 00:40:25,133 --> 00:40:27,633 -This is not just a coincidence, you know. 878 00:40:27,633 --> 00:40:29,700 [ Laughter ] 879 00:40:32,166 --> 00:40:37,133 -You couldn't say anything to him or about him on that show 880 00:40:37,133 --> 00:40:40,500 that he didn't get a laugh off some way. 881 00:40:40,500 --> 00:40:43,400 Do you find it hard to be funny at any certain time of day? 882 00:40:43,400 --> 00:40:46,533 -No, not if you get a glorious audience like this. 883 00:40:46,533 --> 00:40:49,133 [ Applause ] 884 00:40:51,300 --> 00:40:54,033 No. I can I can be funny most of the time. 885 00:40:54,033 --> 00:40:56,266 -When you made films, you had to get up very, very early. 886 00:40:56,266 --> 00:40:58,833 -Yes. That's why I objected to making them. 887 00:40:58,833 --> 00:41:01,366 I made 18, 19 pictures. 888 00:41:01,366 --> 00:41:04,966 I mean -- I don't mean that was the year we made them, 1819. 889 00:41:04,966 --> 00:41:06,633 [ Laughter ] 890 00:41:06,633 --> 00:41:09,900 -Talking to my dad while I'm in maybe junior high school 891 00:41:09,900 --> 00:41:11,633 out in Nebraska, 892 00:41:11,633 --> 00:41:14,300 and I had just learned of the Marx Brothers, 893 00:41:14,300 --> 00:41:16,466 and I'd read a book about them. 894 00:41:16,466 --> 00:41:18,866 I asked my dad if he knew who they were, of course. 895 00:41:18,866 --> 00:41:21,833 And he said yes. He said he loved them. 896 00:41:21,833 --> 00:41:24,366 And then he told me more about who the Marx Brothers were, 897 00:41:24,366 --> 00:41:26,266 and he said there was one called Zeppo. 898 00:41:26,266 --> 00:41:29,933 So we fade to black, and many years later, I'm doing the show, 899 00:41:29,933 --> 00:41:32,966 and I thought it would be kind of a show-biz coup 900 00:41:32,966 --> 00:41:36,533 to get Zeppo Marx on the show. 901 00:41:36,533 --> 00:41:38,700 And somebody said, "Oh, yes, you must. 902 00:41:38,700 --> 00:41:40,266 Zeppo will tell you -- 903 00:41:40,266 --> 00:41:44,100 He has stories that nobody knows about the Marx Brothers." 904 00:41:44,100 --> 00:41:45,666 And my mouth watered. 905 00:41:45,666 --> 00:41:49,400 And I called him, and I got him in Las Vegas. 906 00:41:49,400 --> 00:41:51,133 "Is this Zeppo Marx?" 907 00:41:51,133 --> 00:41:53,233 And an ordinary sounding voice said, "Yes." 908 00:41:53,233 --> 00:41:54,900 And I said, "This is Dick Cavett, 909 00:41:54,900 --> 00:41:56,866 and I'd love to have you on the show." 910 00:41:56,866 --> 00:42:00,600 And he'd say, "Well, I'd do it for $5,000." 911 00:42:00,600 --> 00:42:02,700 And I tried to laugh. 912 00:42:02,700 --> 00:42:05,500 Maybe I did. 913 00:42:05,500 --> 00:42:06,766 Zeppo said over the phone, 914 00:42:06,766 --> 00:42:08,500 "Well, I've got a wonderful life here, you know? 915 00:42:08,500 --> 00:42:11,033 I have just about anything I could want. 916 00:42:11,033 --> 00:42:13,100 Wouldn't I have to be out of my mind to leave it 917 00:42:13,100 --> 00:42:15,466 and take a schlep to New York City?" 918 00:42:15,466 --> 00:42:19,333 And I said, "We would sure love to have you." 919 00:42:19,333 --> 00:42:21,266 But he never did it. 920 00:42:21,266 --> 00:42:25,500 And we were stupid not to pay it. 921 00:42:25,500 --> 00:42:28,766 Groucho used to say, "In our act, when we had Zeppo, 922 00:42:28,766 --> 00:42:30,400 we were worth a million dollars, 923 00:42:30,400 --> 00:42:33,066 and without him, we were worth $2 million." 924 00:42:33,066 --> 00:42:35,866 Which brother were you the closest to? 925 00:42:35,866 --> 00:42:38,066 -I think Gummo. We roomed together. 926 00:42:38,066 --> 00:42:40,300 -Some people, you know, don't know there is a Gummo. 927 00:42:40,300 --> 00:42:43,033 -They know -- -He doesn't know. 928 00:42:43,033 --> 00:42:46,066 -Chico got most of the ladies. -Chico got most of the girls. 929 00:42:46,066 --> 00:42:47,300 Yes, he always -- -Yeah. 930 00:42:47,300 --> 00:42:48,633 -When he played the piano -- 931 00:42:48,633 --> 00:42:51,133 and he had kind of a flirtatious look on his face. 932 00:42:51,133 --> 00:42:54,900 And the dames -- he'd fall down. 933 00:42:54,900 --> 00:42:55,900 That's all. 934 00:42:55,900 --> 00:42:57,500 They were so crazy about him. 935 00:42:57,500 --> 00:43:00,400 And it took the rest of us four or five weeks 936 00:43:00,400 --> 00:43:02,266 what Chico would do in two nights. 937 00:43:03,833 --> 00:43:06,233 He had an enormous amount of charm for women. 938 00:43:06,233 --> 00:43:08,166 -Yeah, they say he was just fatal to women. 939 00:43:08,166 --> 00:43:09,933 -Yes, he was. -Yeah. 940 00:43:09,933 --> 00:43:13,333 -He was fatal to a number of them, too. 941 00:43:13,333 --> 00:43:14,666 And I always envied him 942 00:43:14,666 --> 00:43:17,633 because it always took me a long time to get a girl. 943 00:43:17,633 --> 00:43:21,466 I had a very close friend who was getting married, 944 00:43:21,466 --> 00:43:22,866 and they gave him a bachelor party 945 00:43:22,866 --> 00:43:26,400 when we were playing on our first Broadway show 946 00:43:26,400 --> 00:43:28,300 called "I'll Say She Is." 947 00:43:28,300 --> 00:43:31,700 And we went through with the show around 11:00. 948 00:43:31,700 --> 00:43:35,766 So Harpo and I, who were close friends of the groom, 949 00:43:35,766 --> 00:43:39,133 had decided then to go to Keens chophouse 950 00:43:39,133 --> 00:43:42,866 and surprise everybody there, which we proceeded to do. 951 00:43:42,866 --> 00:43:43,933 We got in the elevator, 952 00:43:43,933 --> 00:43:46,900 which was a tiny elevator on that building, 953 00:43:46,900 --> 00:43:50,300 and they have no elevator boy around. 954 00:43:50,300 --> 00:43:53,000 You get on the elevator, and you run it yourself. 955 00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:55,033 So Harpo and I got in the elevator, 956 00:43:55,033 --> 00:43:57,000 and we each had a suitcase and straw hats. 957 00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:58,700 This was in the summer. 958 00:43:58,700 --> 00:44:00,966 And we got in the elevator, and we we locked it. 959 00:44:00,966 --> 00:44:02,166 And we took off all our clothes, 960 00:44:02,166 --> 00:44:05,033 and we put them in these two respective suitcases. 961 00:44:05,033 --> 00:44:06,333 [ Laughter ] 962 00:44:06,333 --> 00:44:08,866 Now, the bachelor party was on the fourth floor. 963 00:44:08,866 --> 00:44:09,933 [ Laughter ] 964 00:44:09,933 --> 00:44:11,133 And we got to the fourth floor. 965 00:44:11,133 --> 00:44:13,666 We stopped the elevator and swung the door open, 966 00:44:13,666 --> 00:44:17,400 and we stepped out there stark naked 967 00:44:17,400 --> 00:44:19,266 with straw hats and the suitcases. 968 00:44:19,266 --> 00:44:20,466 [ Laughter ] 969 00:44:20,466 --> 00:44:23,700 Unfortunately, we were on the wrong floor. 970 00:44:23,700 --> 00:44:26,666 -My best friend in that family was Harpo. 971 00:44:26,666 --> 00:44:28,200 See, Harpo and I were very close. 972 00:44:28,200 --> 00:44:30,333 People talk about Harpo as if you were a saint. 973 00:44:30,333 --> 00:44:31,466 -He was. -He was certainly the nicest. 974 00:44:31,466 --> 00:44:33,633 He was the nicest man I ever met in my life. 975 00:44:33,633 --> 00:44:35,300 -Yeah. -He was a doll. 976 00:44:35,300 --> 00:44:37,700 Harpo was a kind, nice, darling man. 977 00:44:37,700 --> 00:44:42,966 He was -- four lovely children, four adopted children. 978 00:44:42,966 --> 00:44:44,700 -Yeah. -And I one said to Harpo, 979 00:44:44,700 --> 00:44:46,600 "How many kids are you going to adopt?" 980 00:44:46,600 --> 00:44:49,433 He says, "As many windows as I have in my house. 981 00:44:49,433 --> 00:44:51,133 So when Susan and I leave, 982 00:44:51,133 --> 00:44:53,866 I want a kid in each window to wave to us." 983 00:44:53,866 --> 00:44:55,600 -Oh, that's lovely. -Huh? 984 00:44:55,600 --> 00:44:56,966 Nice, huh? -Yeah. 985 00:44:56,966 --> 00:44:58,433 How do you feel about singing? 986 00:44:58,433 --> 00:44:59,600 -Singing? -Yeah. 987 00:44:59,600 --> 00:45:01,533 -You mean me or other people? -Well, yes. 988 00:45:01,533 --> 00:45:02,600 Your own or other people. 989 00:45:02,600 --> 00:45:03,900 I'm not crazy about other people's. 990 00:45:03,900 --> 00:45:05,766 I like a few singers. [ Laughter ] 991 00:45:05,766 --> 00:45:07,666 -I thought it might entice you because you have 992 00:45:07,666 --> 00:45:09,866 so many great song -- -I love to sing, really. 993 00:45:09,866 --> 00:45:11,700 [ Applause ] 994 00:45:11,700 --> 00:45:12,900 -Yeah. 995 00:45:12,900 --> 00:45:14,166 -What do you want me to sing? "Lydia"? 996 00:45:14,166 --> 00:45:16,833 -"Lydia" would be great. "Lydia" would be best. 997 00:45:16,833 --> 00:45:19,300 -Then I have to drop the cigar until I come back. 998 00:45:19,300 --> 00:45:20,700 And keep your filthy hands off it. 999 00:45:20,700 --> 00:45:23,933 Alright. I'm not used to this. 1000 00:45:23,933 --> 00:45:25,166 Wait a minute. [ Applause ] 1001 00:45:25,166 --> 00:45:27,366 Tell them what it is. 1002 00:45:27,366 --> 00:45:31,033 This is a song from a picture called "A Day At The Circus," 1003 00:45:31,033 --> 00:45:32,933 which we did at MGM. 1004 00:45:32,933 --> 00:45:36,133 And I sang this in a Pullman car, but -- 1005 00:45:36,133 --> 00:45:38,866 [ Cheers and applause ] 1006 00:45:38,866 --> 00:45:40,833 Why are you applauding a Pullman car? 1007 00:45:40,833 --> 00:45:42,600 [ Laughter ] 1008 00:45:42,600 --> 00:45:44,033 There aren't any more Pullman cars. 1009 00:45:44,033 --> 00:45:45,200 [ Laughter ] 1010 00:45:45,200 --> 00:45:49,966 -Groucho was a devotee of Gilbert and Sullivan. 1011 00:45:49,966 --> 00:45:53,666 Every week, we would have dinner at Groucho's house, 1012 00:45:53,666 --> 00:45:59,533 and he'd put on about 12 or 14 of us screenwriters and so on, 1013 00:45:59,533 --> 00:46:03,166 and he'd put on one of Gilbert and Sullivan's records 1014 00:46:03,166 --> 00:46:04,666 and sing along with it. 1015 00:46:04,666 --> 00:46:07,966 So I knew he loved words and fast-rhyming things. 1016 00:46:07,966 --> 00:46:10,466 I had this job to do for Metro, 1017 00:46:10,466 --> 00:46:13,633 and he was a barker in the circus. 1018 00:46:13,633 --> 00:46:17,266 Why, I thought of some Gilbertian way 1019 00:46:17,266 --> 00:46:20,766 of doing a circus thing for him, and "Lydia" came out. 1020 00:46:20,766 --> 00:46:24,933 Of course, it had his type of humor and impertinence. 1021 00:46:24,933 --> 00:46:26,933 -♪ Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia ♪ 1022 00:46:26,933 --> 00:46:28,666 ♪ Say, have you met Lydia? ♪ 1023 00:46:28,666 --> 00:46:32,533 ♪ Lydia the tattooed lady ♪ 1024 00:46:32,533 --> 00:46:36,366 ♪ She has eyes that men adore so ♪ 1025 00:46:36,366 --> 00:46:40,166 ♪ And a torso even more so ♪ 1026 00:46:40,166 --> 00:46:43,400 ♪ Lydia, oh! Lydia, that encyclopedia ♪ 1027 00:46:43,400 --> 00:46:46,833 ♪ Oh, Lydia, the queen of tattoo ♪ 1028 00:46:46,833 --> 00:46:50,500 ♪ On her back is the battle of Waterloo ♪ 1029 00:46:50,500 --> 00:46:54,266 ♪ Beside it, the wreck of the Hesperus,  1030 00:46:50,500 --> 00:46:54,266 too ♪ 1031 00:46:54,266 --> 00:46:57,800 ♪ And proudly above waves, the red, white, and blue ♪ 1032 00:46:57,800 --> 00:47:01,433 ♪ You can learn a lot from Lydia ♪ 1033 00:47:01,433 --> 00:47:04,800 -♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪ 1034 00:47:04,800 --> 00:47:08,733 [ Applause ] 1035 00:47:08,733 --> 00:47:12,366 -♪ When her robe is unfurled, she will show you the world ♪ 1036 00:47:12,366 --> 00:47:15,833 ♪ If you step up and tell her where ♪ 1037 00:47:15,833 --> 00:47:19,600 ♪ For a dime, you can see Kankakee or Paris ♪ 1038 00:47:19,600 --> 00:47:23,000 ♪ Or Washington crossing the Delaware ♪ 1039 00:47:23,000 --> 00:47:26,633 -♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪ 1040 00:47:26,633 --> 00:47:30,433 ♪♪ 1041 00:47:30,433 --> 00:47:32,266 ♪ Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia ♪ 1042 00:47:32,266 --> 00:47:34,233 ♪ Say, have you met Lydia? ♪ 1043 00:47:34,233 --> 00:47:38,200 ♪ Oh, Lydia, the tattooed lady ♪ 1044 00:47:38,200 --> 00:47:41,900 ♪ When her muscles start relaxin' ♪ 1045 00:47:41,900 --> 00:47:45,566 ♪ Up the hill comes Andrew Jackson ♪ 1046 00:47:45,566 --> 00:47:48,800 ♪ Lydia, oh, Lydia, that encyclopedia ♪ 1047 00:47:48,800 --> 00:47:52,266 ♪ Oh, Lydia, the champ of them all ♪ 1048 00:47:52,266 --> 00:47:56,900 ♪ For two bits, she will do a mazurka in jazz ♪ 1049 00:47:56,900 --> 00:48:02,500 ♪ With a view of Niagara that nobody has ♪ 1050 00:48:02,500 --> 00:48:06,666 ♪ And on a clear day, you can see Alcatraz ♪ 1051 00:48:06,666 --> 00:48:10,033 ♪ You can learn a lot from Lydia ♪ 1052 00:48:10,033 --> 00:48:12,366 -♪ La, la, la... -♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪ 1053 00:48:12,366 --> 00:48:14,666 [ Laughter and applause ] 1054 00:48:14,666 --> 00:48:17,133 ♪♪ 1055 00:48:17,133 --> 00:48:20,833 -♪ Come along and see Buffalo Bill with his lasso ♪ 1056 00:48:20,833 --> 00:48:24,500 ♪ Just a little classic by Mendel Picasso ♪ 1057 00:48:24,500 --> 00:48:28,200 ♪ Here's Captain Spaulding, exploring the Amazon ♪ 1058 00:48:28,200 --> 00:48:31,966 ♪ Here's Godiva, but with her pajamas on ♪ 1059 00:48:31,966 --> 00:48:35,433 -♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪ 1060 00:48:35,433 --> 00:48:39,433 ♪♪ 1061 00:48:39,433 --> 00:48:41,300 -♪ Oh, Lydia, oh, Lydia ♪ 1062 00:48:41,300 --> 00:48:43,200 ♪ Say, have you met Lydia? ♪ 1063 00:48:43,200 --> 00:48:46,866 ♪ Oh, Lydia, the champ of them all ♪ 1064 00:48:46,866 --> 00:48:50,766 ♪ She once swept an admiral clear off his feet ♪ 1065 00:48:50,766 --> 00:48:54,433 ♪ The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat ♪ 1066 00:48:54,433 --> 00:48:58,333 ♪ And now the old boy's in command of the fleet ♪ 1067 00:48:58,333 --> 00:49:01,833 ♪ For he went and married Lydia ♪ 1068 00:49:01,833 --> 00:49:05,333 ♪ I said Lydia ♪ -♪ He said Lydia ♪ 1069 00:49:05,333 --> 00:49:08,533 -♪ I said Lydia ♪ -♪ He said Lydia ♪ 1070 00:49:08,533 --> 00:49:09,900 -♪ Hurray ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] 1071 00:49:09,900 --> 00:49:10,900 -Some of the lines were considered 1072 00:49:10,900 --> 00:49:12,633 a little bit racy, weren't they? 1073 00:49:12,633 --> 00:49:14,100 -Yes, there were risqué. -But which ones? 1074 00:49:14,100 --> 00:49:16,233 I mean, surely "when her muscles start relaxing, 1075 00:49:16,233 --> 00:49:17,433 up the hill comes Andrew Jackson" isn't -- 1076 00:49:17,433 --> 00:49:19,833 -Yes. We were asked to cut that out. 1077 00:49:19,833 --> 00:49:22,633 That's why I had to write that third stanza. 1078 00:49:22,633 --> 00:49:25,566 I had to write a third stanza to save us from the censor. 1079 00:49:25,566 --> 00:49:27,133 -You had to marry her off in the end? 1080 00:49:27,133 --> 00:49:29,333 -I had to marry her. -[ Laughs ] 1081 00:49:29,333 --> 00:49:33,000 -♪ She once swept an admiral clear off his feet ♪ 1082 00:49:33,000 --> 00:49:37,166 ♪ The ships on her hips made his heart skip a beat ♪ 1083 00:49:37,166 --> 00:49:40,700 ♪ And now the old boy's in command of the fleet ♪ 1084 00:49:40,700 --> 00:49:44,066 ♪ For he went and married Lydia ♪ 1085 00:49:44,066 --> 00:49:45,233 That's right. Now, that made it kosher. 1086 00:49:45,233 --> 00:49:47,566 -No applause? [ Applause ] 1087 00:49:47,566 --> 00:49:48,933 -Groucho, nobody ever explains why the films 1088 00:49:48,933 --> 00:49:50,233 were named what they were. 1089 00:49:50,233 --> 00:49:52,800 Why "Coconuts," why "Duck Soup," why "Animal Crackers"? 1090 00:49:52,800 --> 00:49:54,033 -Well, "Coconuts" was named 1091 00:49:54,033 --> 00:49:56,966 because the fella who produced it was Sam Harris. 1092 00:49:56,966 --> 00:49:58,500 -Ah. -And he used -- 1093 00:49:58,500 --> 00:50:00,133 [ Laughter ] 1094 00:50:00,133 --> 00:50:02,733 He used to go to Florida every winter, 1095 00:50:02,733 --> 00:50:05,100 and then he would write his unfunny postcards 1096 00:50:05,100 --> 00:50:07,000 while we were knocking our brains out, 1097 00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:08,566 working on Broadway, 1098 00:50:08,566 --> 00:50:11,400 while he was down in Florida, drinking mint juleps. 1099 00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:13,766 So the first one was called "Coconuts," 1100 00:50:13,766 --> 00:50:17,633 and it was a lot about Florida, Miami. 1101 00:50:17,633 --> 00:50:21,666 -Why "Duck Soup," then, "Animal Crackers"? 1102 00:50:21,666 --> 00:50:25,733 -"Duck Soup," there really was no logical reason for that. 1103 00:50:25,733 --> 00:50:27,433 [ Laughter ] 1104 00:50:27,433 --> 00:50:31,300 But, you know, it was a comedy. It was about a war. 1105 00:50:31,300 --> 00:50:34,633 It wasn't as serious as the one we're still having. 1106 00:50:34,633 --> 00:50:36,466 -I know. It's a strange feeling to see it now, because -- 1107 00:50:36,466 --> 00:50:39,033 -It's a strange feeling I got yesterday 1108 00:50:39,033 --> 00:50:40,400 when looking at the front page 1109 00:50:40,400 --> 00:50:45,066 and saw Johnson and Nixon walking towards the library, 1110 00:50:45,066 --> 00:50:47,966 and they looked so proud and happy. 1111 00:50:47,966 --> 00:50:50,366 What great things they have done. 1112 00:50:50,366 --> 00:50:54,366 Johnson lengthened the war to six years. 1113 00:50:54,366 --> 00:50:56,733 Nixon has started three wars since he's in there. 1114 00:50:56,733 --> 00:50:58,433 [ Laughter and applause ] 1115 00:50:58,433 --> 00:50:59,733 -I didn't get to ask you about the rumor 1116 00:50:59,733 --> 00:51:01,100 that you were running for governor, 1117 00:51:01,100 --> 00:51:02,100 or somebody asked you to run for governor 1118 00:51:02,100 --> 00:51:03,533 or something like that. 1119 00:51:03,533 --> 00:51:06,133 -Fella from California, they wanted me to run for governor. 1120 00:51:06,133 --> 00:51:09,500 This is pre- Ree-gan -- or  Ray-gan,  he prefers. 1121 00:51:09,500 --> 00:51:11,900 And I asked them how much they paid. 1122 00:51:11,900 --> 00:51:12,966 -Yeah. 1123 00:51:12,966 --> 00:51:15,633 -And they said it was $35,000 a year. 1124 00:51:15,633 --> 00:51:17,933 Well, at that time, I was getting $16,000 a week 1125 00:51:17,933 --> 00:51:19,700 for doing the quiz show. 1126 00:51:19,700 --> 00:51:21,900 So I tell them, "Unless they get raises to that sum, 1127 00:51:21,900 --> 00:51:23,833 forget about it." [ Laughter ] 1128 00:51:23,833 --> 00:51:26,033 It's a true story. -Yeah. 1129 00:51:26,033 --> 00:51:28,333 [ Laughter ] 1130 00:51:28,333 --> 00:51:29,966 You don't want me to sing anymore, huh? 1131 00:51:29,966 --> 00:51:32,433 -Oh, I love when you sing. -You know, if I sing... 1132 00:51:32,433 --> 00:51:33,733 you haven't got any time to talk. 1133 00:51:33,733 --> 00:51:35,233 And I like to hear you talk. 1134 00:51:35,233 --> 00:51:37,300 -Oh, listen, I'm here every night. 1135 00:51:37,300 --> 00:51:39,300 [ Applause ] -I'm not. 1136 00:51:39,300 --> 00:51:42,200 [ Laughter ] 1137 00:51:42,200 --> 00:51:45,466 -If you had it to do over, would you do anything different? 1138 00:51:45,466 --> 00:51:47,266 There were rumors that you once wanted to be other things 1139 00:51:47,266 --> 00:51:48,666 besides a performer. 1140 00:51:48,666 --> 00:51:50,666 I wanted to be a doctor at one time. 1141 00:51:50,666 --> 00:51:51,966 -You did? -Yeah. 1142 00:51:51,966 --> 00:51:53,433 -Horse doctor. 1143 00:51:53,433 --> 00:51:54,733 [ Laughter ] No, really. 1144 00:51:54,733 --> 00:51:58,300 I wanted to be a doctor. But that was before Medicare. 1145 00:51:58,300 --> 00:51:59,766 I wouldn't do it now. [ Laughter ] 1146 00:51:59,766 --> 00:52:02,733 In those days, the doctor could keep all the money he made. 1147 00:52:02,733 --> 00:52:04,500 Now he keeps about 20%. 1148 00:52:04,500 --> 00:52:05,766 But what they've done, the doctors, 1149 00:52:05,766 --> 00:52:07,833 they've raised the price of everything. 1150 00:52:07,833 --> 00:52:09,433 So you were gonna get your leg sawed off, 1151 00:52:09,433 --> 00:52:11,233 it used to cost maybe $85. 1152 00:52:11,233 --> 00:52:12,933 It'd be about $140 now. 1153 00:52:12,933 --> 00:52:14,900 -It's hardly worth it, is it? -No, it's hardly worth it. 1154 00:52:14,900 --> 00:52:16,266 [ Laughter ] 1155 00:52:16,266 --> 00:52:18,533 -For $200, I'd seriously consider it. 1156 00:52:18,533 --> 00:52:21,966 [ Laughter ] 1157 00:52:21,966 --> 00:52:23,133 Or both legs. 1158 00:52:23,133 --> 00:52:25,000 Then I can say I haven't got a leg to stand on. 1159 00:52:25,000 --> 00:52:27,800 People are so grateful to me that I had Groucho on 1160 00:52:27,800 --> 00:52:29,933 a number of times. 1161 00:52:29,933 --> 00:52:32,100 You could see a little bit of failing 1162 00:52:32,100 --> 00:52:35,066 from about halfway in his appearances 1163 00:52:35,066 --> 00:52:38,400 to the last four or five or so. 1164 00:52:38,400 --> 00:52:40,966 I got perhaps the last of Groucho's prime. 1165 00:52:40,966 --> 00:52:43,233 -I want to sing a song that was written 1166 00:52:43,233 --> 00:52:45,633 by Irving Berlin during the First World War. 1167 00:52:45,633 --> 00:52:47,400 He's supposed to be watching the show tonight. 1168 00:52:47,400 --> 00:52:48,700 -Yes, he is. 1169 00:52:48,700 --> 00:52:50,800 He told me that he was gonna watch it tonight. 1170 00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:54,966 I don't know the song well, but I'll fake my way through it. 1171 00:52:54,966 --> 00:52:56,766 -Alright. -Just for Berlin. 1172 00:52:56,766 --> 00:52:59,000 -It's yours. 1173 00:52:59,000 --> 00:53:07,266 ♪♪ 1174 00:53:07,266 --> 00:53:11,000 -Now. -♪ Down below ♪ 1175 00:53:11,000 --> 00:53:14,066 ♪ Down below ♪ 1176 00:53:14,066 --> 00:53:18,066 ♪ Sat the devil, talking to his son ♪ 1177 00:53:18,066 --> 00:53:22,700 ♪ Who wanted to go up above ♪ 1178 00:53:22,700 --> 00:53:25,933 ♪ Up above ♪ 1179 00:53:25,933 --> 00:53:28,766 ♪ He cried, "It's getting too warm for me down here ♪ 1180 00:53:28,766 --> 00:53:31,800 ♪ And so, and so ♪ 1181 00:53:31,800 --> 00:53:37,800 ♪ I'm going up on...where I can have a lot of fun" ♪ 1182 00:53:37,800 --> 00:53:41,266 ♪ The devil simply shook his head ♪ 1183 00:53:41,266 --> 00:53:44,933 ♪ And answered to his son ♪ 1184 00:53:44,933 --> 00:53:50,133 ♪ "You stay down here where you belong ♪ 1185 00:53:50,133 --> 00:53:52,566 ♪ The folks who live above you ♪ 1186 00:53:52,566 --> 00:53:56,000 ♪ They don't know right from wrong ♪ 1187 00:53:56,000 --> 00:54:02,466 ♪ To please their kings, they've all gone off to war ♪ 1188 00:54:02,466 --> 00:54:08,566 ♪ And not a-one of them knows what they're fighting for ♪ 1189 00:54:08,566 --> 00:54:12,200 ♪ "Way up above, they say ♪ 1190 00:54:12,200 --> 00:54:15,466 ♪ That I'm a devil and I'm bad ♪ 1191 00:54:15,466 --> 00:54:22,400 ♪ But their kings up there are bigger devils than your dad ♪ 1192 00:54:22,400 --> 00:54:27,266 ♪ They're breaking the hearts of mothers ♪ 1193 00:54:27,266 --> 00:54:31,833 ♪ They're making butchers out of brothers ♪ 1194 00:54:31,833 --> 00:54:41,500 ♪ You'll find more hell up there than there is down here below" ♪ 1195 00:54:41,500 --> 00:54:44,500 [ Applause ] 1196 00:54:49,733 --> 00:54:51,566 -Thank you. 1197 00:54:51,566 --> 00:54:52,966 Good night, Irving Berlin, 1198 00:54:52,966 --> 00:54:56,033 who I consider the greatest songwriter America's had. 1199 00:54:56,033 --> 00:54:59,633 And one night, he had come to California, 1200 00:54:59,633 --> 00:55:02,100 and they gave him a big dinner, ASCAP -- 1201 00:55:02,100 --> 00:55:04,966 that's the musicians' organization. 1202 00:55:04,966 --> 00:55:06,733 And I had arranged with Harry Ruby, 1203 00:55:06,733 --> 00:55:08,766 a close friend of mine, 1204 00:55:08,766 --> 00:55:12,700 that I would sing this song that I just sang. 1205 00:55:12,700 --> 00:55:14,500 And when I got through singing, 1206 00:55:14,500 --> 00:55:17,566   Irving Berlin called me over to the table. 1207 00:55:17,566 --> 00:55:19,333 And he said, "Groucho, 1208 00:55:19,333 --> 00:55:24,700 if you ever have the urge to sing that song again, 1209 00:55:24,700 --> 00:55:28,733 will you come to me and tell me that you want to sing it? 1210 00:55:28,733 --> 00:55:30,533 And I'll give you $100 1211 00:55:30,533 --> 00:55:32,733 for every time you don't sing this song." 1212 00:55:32,733 --> 00:55:35,300 [ Laughter and applause ] 1213 00:55:35,300 --> 00:55:37,966 It's a true story. 1214 00:55:37,966 --> 00:55:40,866 -The one sort of person that Groucho 1215 00:55:40,866 --> 00:55:44,366 you might say liked best were writers. 1216 00:55:44,366 --> 00:55:46,000 -I was never much interested in acting. 1217 00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:47,366 I always wanted to be a writer. 1218 00:55:47,366 --> 00:55:49,066 -Is it true you stole a printing press 1219 00:55:49,066 --> 00:55:50,700 at the age of 10, or is that just a biographical -- 1220 00:55:50,700 --> 00:55:52,666 -Yes. No, no, this is true. 1221 00:55:52,666 --> 00:55:54,466 And when I was about 10 years old, 1222 00:55:54,466 --> 00:55:57,100 I wanted to be a writer, and I had nothing to write with. 1223 00:55:57,100 --> 00:55:59,766 I had a lead pencil, but I wanted a printing press. 1224 00:55:59,766 --> 00:56:03,766 Now, they had them on sale at Bloomingdale's for $1.98. 1225 00:56:03,766 --> 00:56:06,133 They were about this size, and they had letters. 1226 00:56:06,133 --> 00:56:07,566 And, you know, you'd pick out a letter -- 1227 00:56:07,566 --> 00:56:10,466 "H," "G," whatever letter you wanted. 1228 00:56:10,466 --> 00:56:13,333 And I stuck it under my coat. 1229 00:56:13,333 --> 00:56:16,300 And a floor worker came along, and he saw a peculiar bulge. 1230 00:56:16,300 --> 00:56:17,600 [ Laughter ] 1231 00:56:17,600 --> 00:56:19,966 And he says, "What do you got under there?" 1232 00:56:19,966 --> 00:56:22,766 And I said, "Nothing." 1233 00:56:22,766 --> 00:56:26,600 He reached in and pulled out this printing press, 1234 00:56:26,600 --> 00:56:30,133 and he got -- a cop came over and arrested me. 1235 00:56:30,133 --> 00:56:32,733 And old man Bloomingdale came along around this time, 1236 00:56:32,733 --> 00:56:34,000 and he says, "What are you doing there? 1237 00:56:34,000 --> 00:56:35,400 What's the policeman for?" 1238 00:56:35,400 --> 00:56:38,066 He says, "Well, this kid stole a printing press." 1239 00:56:38,066 --> 00:56:39,200 He says, "Let him go. 1240 00:56:39,200 --> 00:56:40,900 All the kids steal in this neighborhood. 1241 00:56:40,900 --> 00:56:42,366 Let him go." And they did. 1242 00:56:42,366 --> 00:56:44,633 They let me go, but they didn't give me the printing press. 1243 00:56:44,633 --> 00:56:47,500 [ Laughter ] 1244 00:56:47,500 --> 00:56:50,900 You know, some years later, one of the Bloomingdale family 1245 00:56:50,900 --> 00:56:52,900 had a play opening in Philadelphia, 1246 00:56:52,900 --> 00:56:54,966 and it was a real stinker. [ Laughter ] 1247 00:56:54,966 --> 00:56:56,433 And George Kaufman, 1248 00:56:56,433 --> 00:57:01,066 who was known as the architect of the theater at that time -- 1249 00:57:01,066 --> 00:57:03,133 he was invited by the Bloomingdales' son 1250 00:57:03,133 --> 00:57:05,600 to come down to Philadelphia and look at this show 1251 00:57:05,600 --> 00:57:08,966 and see if he had any suggestions for fixing it. 1252 00:57:08,966 --> 00:57:11,433 And after the show was over and the curtain was down, 1253 00:57:11,433 --> 00:57:13,600 Bloomingdale came down in the audience 1254 00:57:13,600 --> 00:57:15,200 where Kaufman was setting and says, 1255 00:57:15,200 --> 00:57:17,566 "George, what about the show? What should we do about it?" 1256 00:57:17,566 --> 00:57:19,366 He says, "I tell you what you do." 1257 00:57:19,366 --> 00:57:21,966 He says, "Close the show and keep the store open at nights." 1258 00:57:21,966 --> 00:57:26,033 [ Laughter and applause ] 1259 00:57:26,033 --> 00:57:28,933 He was a genuine writer, a genuine intellect. 1260 00:57:28,933 --> 00:57:31,833 He was such a literate man, such a well-read man. 1261 00:57:31,833 --> 00:57:36,366 His grammar, his language was artful and perfect. 1262 00:57:36,366 --> 00:57:38,400 -If I'd have gone to college, 1263 00:57:38,400 --> 00:57:40,633 I'd have been a writer much faster in my life 1264 00:57:40,633 --> 00:57:42,266 and probably a much better one, 1265 00:57:42,266 --> 00:57:46,000 because I wasn't sure of grammar or English or anything else. 1266 00:57:46,000 --> 00:57:47,800 -You're better educated than a lot of college people. 1267 00:57:47,800 --> 00:57:50,033 You know that. -I'm not sure of that, no. 1268 00:57:50,033 --> 00:57:52,366 -I think you -- 'cause you've read all your life, 1269 00:57:52,366 --> 00:57:53,366 and you've made a point of revealing yourself. 1270 00:57:53,366 --> 00:57:54,866 -Yes, I have read a lot. 1271 00:57:54,866 --> 00:57:56,433 I was one of the first contributors 1272 00:57:56,433 --> 00:57:59,633 to the New Yorker  magazine under my name, 1273 00:57:59,633 --> 00:58:01,500 which is Julius Henry Marx. 1274 00:58:01,500 --> 00:58:03,300 I was much prouder of that 1275 00:58:03,300 --> 00:58:06,133 than I was in any play I'd ever been in, 1276 00:58:06,133 --> 00:58:09,166 or in Vaudeville or movies or anyplace else. 1277 00:58:09,166 --> 00:58:11,566 I always wanted to be a writer. 1278 00:58:11,566 --> 00:58:13,833 -Yeah. I hate to think of you being solely a writer, though, 1279 00:58:13,833 --> 00:58:16,633 because then Captain Spaulding would have been played 1280 00:58:16,633 --> 00:58:18,866 by Lloyd Nolan or something, and it wouldn't be the same. 1281 00:58:18,866 --> 00:58:21,933 Groucho pretty much avoided the legendary 1282 00:58:21,933 --> 00:58:25,500 Algonquin Round Table of witty people. 1283 00:58:25,500 --> 00:58:27,533 It didn't appeal to him, somehow. 1284 00:58:27,533 --> 00:58:31,000 I can sort of remember his saying, 1285 00:58:31,000 --> 00:58:35,566 "They often came with prepared lines." 1286 00:58:35,566 --> 00:58:40,433 And he said, "It was sort of like opening an oyster 1287 00:58:40,433 --> 00:58:43,066 and finding a cultured pearl." 1288 00:58:43,066 --> 00:58:45,433 -You're very highly regarded among the literati. 1289 00:58:45,433 --> 00:58:47,200 It's not that you write well for an actor, 1290 00:58:47,200 --> 00:58:48,366 but that you write well for anybody. 1291 00:58:48,366 --> 00:58:50,066 -I wrote for an actor a few weeks ago, 1292 00:58:50,066 --> 00:58:52,866 but he didn't come on. [ Laughter ] 1293 00:58:52,866 --> 00:58:54,300 No, I... 1294 00:58:54,300 --> 00:58:57,900 Well, I'm a guess what you'd call a self-made man, 1295 00:58:57,900 --> 00:58:59,933 which is a sad description of a man. 1296 00:58:59,933 --> 00:59:02,133 You know, I didn't finish public school. 1297 00:59:02,133 --> 00:59:04,066 -One of Groucho's greatest honors 1298 00:59:04,066 --> 00:59:09,800 was when the Library of Congress asked for his collected letters. 1299 00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:12,033 That meant everything to him. 1300 00:59:12,033 --> 00:59:13,566 -Do you know that I have a book 1301 00:59:13,566 --> 00:59:15,566 in the Congressional Library in Washington? 1302 00:59:15,566 --> 00:59:17,500 Did you know that? -Well -- 1303 00:59:17,500 --> 00:59:18,933 -It's a book of letters that I wrote. 1304 00:59:18,933 --> 00:59:20,833 -Yeah, your book of letters. -The letters that were -- 1305 00:59:20,833 --> 00:59:22,233 You're included in the letters, 1306 00:59:22,233 --> 00:59:26,600 and Fred Allen and Thurber and T.S. Eliot and Benchley 1307 00:59:26,600 --> 00:59:29,966 and practically every notable in America. 1308 00:59:29,966 --> 00:59:31,333 -I didn't actually get into the book, 1309 00:59:31,333 --> 00:59:32,966 but I have letters from you. 1310 00:59:32,966 --> 00:59:34,666 I just missed the book. -I have letters from you, 1311 00:59:34,666 --> 00:59:36,566 which are much better than mine. 1312 00:59:36,566 --> 00:59:38,433 I may do another book on your letters. 1313 00:59:38,433 --> 00:59:40,433 -Oh. [ Laughter ] 1314 00:59:40,433 --> 00:59:42,600 -But I was flattered. I was on one of the night shows. 1315 00:59:42,600 --> 00:59:44,500 I don't want to mention the name of the show. 1316 00:59:44,500 --> 00:59:46,366 It was the Johnny Carson show. 1317 00:59:46,366 --> 00:59:50,033 [ Laughter ] 1318 00:59:50,033 --> 00:59:52,533 I had mentioned that I had written a book 1319 00:59:52,533 --> 00:59:54,533 with all these notable people on. 1320 00:59:54,533 --> 00:59:56,733 And the next day, I got a letter from the head 1321 00:59:56,733 --> 00:59:58,766 of the Congressional Library in Washington, 1322 00:59:58,766 --> 01:00:01,633 and they asked me if they could have the original letters, 1323 01:00:01,633 --> 01:00:02,766 which I sent to them. 1324 01:00:02,766 --> 01:00:04,400 And if anytime you're in Washington, 1325 01:00:04,400 --> 01:00:06,133 you go to the Congressional Library, 1326 01:00:06,133 --> 01:00:07,433 and you can read my book there. 1327 01:00:07,433 --> 01:00:09,233 And it's two cents a day, by the way. 1328 01:00:09,233 --> 01:00:10,900 [ Laughter ] 1329 01:00:10,900 --> 01:00:12,166 This is true. 1330 01:00:12,166 --> 01:00:15,333 I'm probably the only actor in the last 40, 50 years 1331 01:00:15,333 --> 01:00:17,900 that had a book in the Congressional Library, 1332 01:00:17,900 --> 01:00:19,433 and I'm very proud of that. 1333 01:00:19,433 --> 01:00:20,733 And you know what they say? 1334 01:00:20,733 --> 01:00:22,300 Self-praise is no praise. 1335 01:00:22,300 --> 01:00:23,700 Well, let's forget this and get on 1336 01:00:23,700 --> 01:00:25,200 to something dirty or obscene. 1337 01:00:25,200 --> 01:00:27,800 [ Laughter ] 1338 01:00:27,800 --> 01:00:28,866 Is it the same thing? 1339 01:00:28,866 --> 01:00:30,000 -It used to be. 1340 01:00:30,000 --> 01:00:31,866 Speaking of letters, 1341 01:00:31,866 --> 01:00:33,833 I've had three letters from your friend Harry Ruby 1342 01:00:33,833 --> 01:00:34,866 in as many days. 1343 01:00:34,866 --> 01:00:37,033 He's a congenital idiot and... 1344 01:00:37,033 --> 01:00:40,600 [ Laughter ] 1345 01:00:40,600 --> 01:00:43,933 And a compulsive letter writer. He is. 1346 01:00:43,933 --> 01:00:45,000 Harry Ruby is the great songwriter, also. 1347 01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:46,033 I thought I'd slip that in. 1348 01:00:46,033 --> 01:00:47,366 -He's a great friend of mine, too. 1349 01:00:47,366 --> 01:00:50,366 And he's written virtually all the songs that I sing. 1350 01:00:50,366 --> 01:00:52,466 "Lydia" is one of the few songs that I sing 1351 01:00:52,466 --> 01:00:53,933 that he didn't write. 1352 01:00:53,933 --> 01:00:58,333 I was driving Groucho Marx and Harry Ruby, his great friend, 1353 01:00:58,333 --> 01:01:01,300 home from dinner in Beverly Hills. 1354 01:01:01,300 --> 01:01:03,700 And driving my rental car, 1355 01:01:03,700 --> 01:01:06,533 I cursed the fact that I wasn't wearing a microphone 1356 01:01:06,533 --> 01:01:08,266 and a tape recorder, 1357 01:01:08,266 --> 01:01:11,866 because I could hear Harry Ruby and Groucho Marx 1358 01:01:11,866 --> 01:01:14,500 talking, talking, talking. 1359 01:01:14,500 --> 01:01:17,000 It was all good. 1360 01:01:17,000 --> 01:01:19,966 Here's the one I remember best. 1361 01:01:19,966 --> 01:01:23,100 I think we stopped at a stoplight on Sunset. 1362 01:01:23,100 --> 01:01:26,633 It's dark, after dinnertime. 1363 01:01:26,633 --> 01:01:29,100 And Groucho looks around, and he says, 1364 01:01:29,100 --> 01:01:33,000 "Oh, there's an apartment where your son lives, Harry." 1365 01:01:33,000 --> 01:01:35,933 And Harry Ruby said, "No, it isn't, Groucho." 1366 01:01:35,933 --> 01:01:39,666 He said, "Yeah, your son lives in that apartment house." 1367 01:01:39,666 --> 01:01:41,966 And Harry Ruby says, "He does not, Groucho. 1368 01:01:41,966 --> 01:01:45,700 He lives way over on the other side of Wilshire Boulevard," 1369 01:01:45,700 --> 01:01:46,733 or something. 1370 01:01:46,733 --> 01:01:48,933 And Groucho said, "He doesn't live there?" 1371 01:01:48,933 --> 01:01:51,766 "No." "Well, that's funny. 1372 01:01:51,766 --> 01:01:52,933 I ran into him last week, 1373 01:01:52,933 --> 01:01:55,066 and he never mentioned not living there." 1374 01:01:58,166 --> 01:01:59,800 I heard that you went to the theater last night 1375 01:01:59,800 --> 01:02:01,466 and saw yourself, so -- 1376 01:02:01,466 --> 01:02:02,933 -Don't change the subject. 1377 01:02:02,933 --> 01:02:04,933 What did you have to eat in Washington? 1378 01:02:04,933 --> 01:02:07,200 [ Laughter and applause ] 1379 01:02:07,200 --> 01:02:09,800 A couple of shrimp, some -- 1380 01:02:09,800 --> 01:02:11,200 -Anyone I know. 1381 01:02:11,200 --> 01:02:14,200 [ Laughter and applause ] 1382 01:02:16,333 --> 01:02:18,700 -No, but a couple of meatballs asked about you. 1383 01:02:18,700 --> 01:02:20,133 [ Laughter ] 1384 01:02:20,133 --> 01:02:21,133 That's your style. 1385 01:02:21,133 --> 01:02:22,200 You see, I never would have said that 1386 01:02:22,200 --> 01:02:23,766 if I hadn't heard you talk that way. 1387 01:02:23,766 --> 01:02:25,633 You've influenced a lot of people. 1388 01:02:25,633 --> 01:02:27,900 -Yeah. That's kind of ironical, 1389 01:02:27,900 --> 01:02:30,000 that you sit here and pull a bad joke 1390 01:02:30,000 --> 01:02:31,533 and then blame me for it. 1391 01:02:31,533 --> 01:02:34,533 [ Laughter and applause ] 1392 01:02:38,166 --> 01:02:40,566 There came a time when inevitably 1393 01:02:40,566 --> 01:02:45,200 a musical was written and staged and on Broadway 1394 01:02:45,200 --> 01:02:46,233 about the Marx Brothers. 1395 01:02:46,233 --> 01:02:47,500 There's a show opening on Broadway 1396 01:02:47,500 --> 01:02:48,766 called "Minnie's Boys." 1397 01:02:48,766 --> 01:02:50,633 Shelley Winters -- great actress Shelley Winters 1398 01:02:50,633 --> 01:02:53,500 was cast as Mother Marx. 1399 01:02:53,500 --> 01:02:56,066 -And I've always wanted to be in a picture with Groucho, 1400 01:02:56,066 --> 01:02:57,800 and I never -- the closest I've made it 1401 01:02:57,800 --> 01:02:59,466 is playing his mother in a musical. 1402 01:02:59,466 --> 01:03:01,133 -How does he feel about you being his mother? 1403 01:03:01,133 --> 01:03:02,533 -How do you feel about me being your mother? 1404 01:03:02,533 --> 01:03:04,566 -Well, I haven't felt you in some time. 1405 01:03:04,566 --> 01:03:09,600 [ Laughter and applause ] 1406 01:03:09,600 --> 01:03:11,033 -Groucho, tell me, truly, really, 1407 01:03:11,033 --> 01:03:13,800 how did Minnie, your mother, handle all these boys 1408 01:03:13,800 --> 01:03:15,533 who were obviously a handful? 1409 01:03:15,533 --> 01:03:17,800 -Completely ignored us. [ Laughter ] 1410 01:03:17,800 --> 01:03:20,233 She put us out in the street and let us play, that's all. 1411 01:03:20,233 --> 01:03:22,633 And when we got hungry, we went in the house. 1412 01:03:22,633 --> 01:03:24,600 -But when you all went on the road -- 1413 01:03:24,600 --> 01:03:27,333 -She was busy, my mother. -What was she doing? 1414 01:03:27,333 --> 01:03:29,433 -Well, she had to clean the house 1415 01:03:29,433 --> 01:03:32,766 and cook a pot of bean soup and smoked tongue 1416 01:03:32,766 --> 01:03:34,300 or whatever we were having, 1417 01:03:34,300 --> 01:03:37,466 depending on how much money my father brought home. 1418 01:03:37,466 --> 01:03:40,366 And he rarely brought home any money, 1419 01:03:40,366 --> 01:03:42,666 'cause he was the world's worst tailor. 1420 01:03:42,666 --> 01:03:44,233 He never would use a tape measure. 1421 01:03:44,233 --> 01:03:45,666 He was too proud. 1422 01:03:45,666 --> 01:03:49,066 [ Laughter ] 1423 01:03:49,066 --> 01:03:51,133 That's not a joke. That's true. 1424 01:03:51,133 --> 01:03:52,166 -You'd estimate? 1425 01:03:52,166 --> 01:03:53,233 -If he had a customer in there -- 1426 01:03:53,233 --> 01:03:55,033 Would you mind standing? Can you stand? 1427 01:03:55,033 --> 01:03:57,733 [ Laughter ] Come out here. 1428 01:03:57,733 --> 01:03:59,166 -He plays Harpo. That's Danny. 1429 01:03:59,166 --> 01:04:00,333 -Alright, standing up. 1430 01:04:03,566 --> 01:04:06,566 [ Laughter ] 1431 01:04:07,633 --> 01:04:10,866 "Okay, that's fine. I got you." 1432 01:04:10,866 --> 01:04:11,966 [ Laughter ] 1433 01:04:11,966 --> 01:04:13,533 Three weeks later, the suit would come. 1434 01:04:13,533 --> 01:04:15,733 One pants leg would be up to here. 1435 01:04:15,733 --> 01:04:19,500 [ Laughter ] Would be a mini-pants. 1436 01:04:19,500 --> 01:04:22,333 And what are -- the other expressions are? 1437 01:04:22,333 --> 01:04:25,233 And neither the coat would fit. 1438 01:04:25,233 --> 01:04:26,566 Usually didn't have buttons. 1439 01:04:26,566 --> 01:04:28,933 And, you see, the big problem here 1440 01:04:28,933 --> 01:04:33,066 is that Chico was a congenital gambler and compulsive. 1441 01:04:33,066 --> 01:04:34,900 He couldn't avoid gambling. 1442 01:04:34,900 --> 01:04:37,933 When Chico died, he didn't have a penny. 1443 01:04:37,933 --> 01:04:41,333 As a matter of fact, the last three or four pictures we made, 1444 01:04:41,333 --> 01:04:45,333 we had to do it to keep Chico back in money again at MGM, 1445 01:04:45,333 --> 01:04:46,833 because he never had any money. 1446 01:04:46,833 --> 01:04:49,900 He was either at the racetrack or in a crap game or someplace. 1447 01:04:49,900 --> 01:04:52,266 He had no sense about money. 1448 01:04:52,266 --> 01:04:54,066 He spent it as he got it. 1449 01:04:54,066 --> 01:04:56,966 Now, I don't know, he may have been better off than we are, 1450 01:04:56,966 --> 01:04:59,433 because I've saved my money. 1451 01:04:59,433 --> 01:05:01,366 That's why I'm on the show for nothing. 1452 01:05:01,366 --> 01:05:02,366 [ Laughter ] 1453 01:05:02,366 --> 01:05:05,066 He had me go over to a hotel 1454 01:05:05,066 --> 01:05:09,433 and pick up a coat to take to the actor Lewis J. Stadlen 1455 01:05:09,433 --> 01:05:11,400 to play Groucho in. 1456 01:05:11,400 --> 01:05:12,400 [ Laughter ] 1457 01:05:12,400 --> 01:05:15,933 And it was the coat from the movies. 1458 01:05:15,933 --> 01:05:19,300 And I folded it carefully over my lap 1459 01:05:19,300 --> 01:05:23,333 and worshiped it all the way to where I delivered it. 1460 01:05:23,333 --> 01:05:26,400 -I must tell you a brief story which isn't in the show. 1461 01:05:26,400 --> 01:05:28,200 There was a fella on First Avenue, 1462 01:05:28,200 --> 01:05:31,433 around 88th Street or something in New York, 1463 01:05:31,433 --> 01:05:34,100 that had a confectionery store. 1464 01:05:34,100 --> 01:05:35,700 And he was a devout Catholic, 1465 01:05:35,700 --> 01:05:40,733 and he was getting a suit made by my father for Easter, 1466 01:05:40,733 --> 01:05:42,600 which was the following day. 1467 01:05:42,600 --> 01:05:44,900 I mean, the suit was finished, 1468 01:05:44,900 --> 01:05:47,766 and he had empowered me to take the package 1469 01:05:47,766 --> 01:05:50,033 over to the confectionery store, 1470 01:05:50,033 --> 01:05:52,200 and he was so delighted to see me. 1471 01:05:52,200 --> 01:05:53,633 And he gave me a chocolate soda, 1472 01:05:53,633 --> 01:05:54,966 and I was sitting on the counter there 1473 01:05:54,966 --> 01:05:56,433 with that nickel chocolate soda. 1474 01:05:56,433 --> 01:05:58,566 I was having a wonderful time. 1475 01:05:58,566 --> 01:06:01,366 And finally, this confectioner, whose name was Stuckfish -- 1476 01:06:01,366 --> 01:06:03,200 You wouldn't believe this. [ Laughter ] 1477 01:06:03,200 --> 01:06:04,466 This was his name. 1478 01:06:04,466 --> 01:06:08,066 And he came out and bellowed as loud as he could. 1479 01:06:08,066 --> 01:06:09,633 He says, "Where's the pants? 1480 01:06:09,633 --> 01:06:10,633 Where's -- There's no pants here." 1481 01:06:10,633 --> 01:06:12,566 And what happened was 1482 01:06:12,566 --> 01:06:15,666 that Chico had opened this package the night before 1483 01:06:15,666 --> 01:06:18,633 and taken the pants out and hawked them on 88th Street. 1484 01:06:18,633 --> 01:06:21,800 [ Laughter ] 1485 01:06:21,800 --> 01:06:23,733 -Groucho was on again five days later. 1486 01:06:23,733 --> 01:06:25,200 We found out he was still in town. 1487 01:06:25,200 --> 01:06:28,766 -Next guest is an actress and a singer 1488 01:06:28,766 --> 01:06:32,433 who likes to do Broadway musicals best of all. 1489 01:06:32,433 --> 01:06:35,666 Since there's not much to do on Broadway anymore, 1490 01:06:35,666 --> 01:06:38,433 she stays home and takes care of her two kids. 1491 01:06:38,433 --> 01:06:41,300 One of them is legitimate. 1492 01:06:41,300 --> 01:06:45,466 [ Laughter and applause ] 1493 01:06:45,466 --> 01:06:47,800 Hey, will you get your hand out of the way? 1494 01:06:47,800 --> 01:06:49,966 She has two kids and her husband, 1495 01:06:49,966 --> 01:06:53,766 the Broadway, film librettist, Adolph Green, 1496 01:06:53,766 --> 01:06:57,733 and more than occasionally, she drops in on television shows. 1497 01:06:57,733 --> 01:07:01,400 Would you please, for the love of heaven, 1498 01:07:01,400 --> 01:07:05,866 welcome the rapturous and beautiful and sexy 1499 01:07:05,866 --> 01:07:07,500 Ms. Phyllis Newman? 1500 01:07:07,500 --> 01:07:10,500 [ Applause ] 1501 01:07:19,500 --> 01:07:20,700 -Yes. -I just one want to tell you... 1502 01:07:20,700 --> 01:07:22,666 that's the worst introduction I ever heard. 1503 01:07:22,666 --> 01:07:26,266 -Well, I have worse ones than that, which I'm holding up. 1504 01:07:26,266 --> 01:07:28,600 -Can I cut in? -Do you still love me after all these years? 1505 01:07:28,600 --> 01:07:29,766 -Yes, I do. 1506 01:07:29,766 --> 01:07:31,300 -Well, then you can go over and sit down. 1507 01:07:31,300 --> 01:07:32,366 -Wherever you want me. 1508 01:07:32,366 --> 01:07:36,000 -In Dave Foster's spot. [ Laughter ] 1509 01:07:36,000 --> 01:07:37,866 Because it's very cold there. 1510 01:07:37,866 --> 01:07:40,166 -At a party after that show, 1511 01:07:40,166 --> 01:07:42,766 I was standing next to Phyllis Newman, 1512 01:07:42,766 --> 01:07:44,400 and a man came over, 1513 01:07:44,400 --> 01:07:47,000 and Phyllis introduced me to him 1514 01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:50,966 and then said, "He wrote 'The Rothschilds.'" 1515 01:07:50,966 --> 01:07:54,233 And Groucho said, "Did they answer?" 1516 01:07:54,233 --> 01:07:56,366 -He's a professional writer. -Yeah. 1517 01:07:56,366 --> 01:07:59,133 Which is more than I can say for the rest of this group. 1518 01:07:59,133 --> 01:08:01,300 [ Laughter ] 1519 01:08:01,300 --> 01:08:02,700 -Oh, I don't know. 1520 01:08:02,700 --> 01:08:04,933 I thought you you've written five books, haven't you? 1521 01:08:04,933 --> 01:08:06,133 -Yes, I have. -Yeah. 1522 01:08:06,133 --> 01:08:08,466 -And Dick was a professional writer. 1523 01:08:08,466 --> 01:08:09,700 -Well, I was a comedy writer. 1524 01:08:09,700 --> 01:08:13,100 That's not the same as writing. -Oh, really? 1525 01:08:13,100 --> 01:08:15,733 I think it's the hardest form of writing there is. 1526 01:08:15,733 --> 01:08:17,533 -But it comes -- -You bet it is. 1527 01:08:17,533 --> 01:08:20,233 -I'd had Groucho on with Truman Capote. 1528 01:08:20,233 --> 01:08:21,833 And you said earlier that you'd be a better writer 1529 01:08:21,833 --> 01:08:24,033 if you had gone to college. -This is true. 1530 01:08:24,033 --> 01:08:26,533 -I want to hear if you agree. with that. 1531 01:08:26,533 --> 01:08:28,300 -I didn't finish high school. 1532 01:08:28,300 --> 01:08:30,733 -I didn't finish public school. 1533 01:08:30,733 --> 01:08:34,500 -I went to PS-86 at 96th Street and Lexington Avenue. 1534 01:08:34,500 --> 01:08:38,200 -He had on that unique golf hat. 1535 01:08:38,200 --> 01:08:40,333 -You want to try the hat? 1536 01:08:40,333 --> 01:08:42,800 -No. I don't need a hat with three balls. 1537 01:08:42,800 --> 01:08:46,233 I'm just an average person. [ Laughter ] 1538 01:08:46,233 --> 01:08:48,200 -That's explaining it clearly. 1539 01:08:48,200 --> 01:08:51,766 He certainly surprised everyone, I guess, 1540 01:08:51,766 --> 01:08:54,366 by proposing marriage to Truman Capote. 1541 01:08:54,366 --> 01:08:56,033 You're a single man. 1542 01:08:56,033 --> 01:08:59,566 You pay a much bigger income tax than if you're a married man. 1543 01:08:59,566 --> 01:09:02,233 -I didn't realize that. -Well, it's true. 1544 01:09:02,233 --> 01:09:03,733 -So there are advantages to being gay? 1545 01:09:03,733 --> 01:09:07,400 -That's about the only one that I can think of. 1546 01:09:07,400 --> 01:09:10,900 When you're home alone at night in a single bed, 1547 01:09:10,900 --> 01:09:13,100 it doesn't help any. -Yeah. 1548 01:09:13,100 --> 01:09:16,900 -But if you have a companion with you 1549 01:09:16,900 --> 01:09:20,733 who will listen to reason, 1550 01:09:20,733 --> 01:09:23,533 I think there is money to be made in income taxes. 1551 01:09:23,533 --> 01:09:26,033 [ Laughter ] 1552 01:09:26,033 --> 01:09:30,400 Have you ever thought of getting married and splitting the tax? 1553 01:09:30,400 --> 01:09:32,666 -Well, you find somebody for me to marry, 1554 01:09:32,666 --> 01:09:34,900 and I'll consider it, okay? 1555 01:09:34,900 --> 01:09:39,266 -I would marry you in a minute if you write another hit book 1556 01:09:39,266 --> 01:09:41,500 like you did about Kansas. 1557 01:09:41,500 --> 01:09:43,100 -Yeah. Did you read "In Cold Blood"? 1558 01:09:43,100 --> 01:09:44,800 -Yes. Of course I did. -Yeah? 1559 01:09:44,800 --> 01:09:47,033 -It was wonderful. -Yeah. 1560 01:09:47,033 --> 01:09:49,100 -Will you consider this an engagement? 1561 01:09:49,100 --> 01:09:50,500 -Yes, positive. 1562 01:09:50,500 --> 01:09:54,933 [ Laughter and applause ] 1563 01:09:54,933 --> 01:09:56,900 You're a little old for me, though. 1564 01:09:56,900 --> 01:09:58,766 -[ Laughs ] -That's true. 1565 01:09:58,766 --> 01:10:02,400 I can't give you what you're entitled to. 1566 01:10:02,400 --> 01:10:04,733 -Oh! -The best years of your life. 1567 01:10:04,733 --> 01:10:06,366 [ Laughter ] 1568 01:10:06,366 --> 01:10:09,133 -At one point, early 70s, 1569 01:10:09,133 --> 01:10:12,700 a young woman named Erin Fleming came into Groucho's life. 1570 01:10:12,700 --> 01:10:15,566 Will you please welcome a very good friend of Groucho's, 1571 01:10:15,566 --> 01:10:17,066 Ms. Erin Fleming? 1572 01:10:17,066 --> 01:10:18,333 This was a controversial thing, 1573 01:10:18,333 --> 01:10:22,366 because she got a lot out of being with Groucho, 1574 01:10:22,366 --> 01:10:24,433 and she was an ambitious actress. 1575 01:10:24,433 --> 01:10:26,166 Woody Allen, as a friend of Groucho, 1576 01:10:26,166 --> 01:10:27,933 has used her in one of his movies, 1577 01:10:27,933 --> 01:10:33,066 and she's dead -- suicide -- years later. 1578 01:10:33,066 --> 01:10:38,633 But Groucho certainly enjoyed being in front of an audience 1579 01:10:38,633 --> 01:10:40,533 even at that age. 1580 01:10:40,533 --> 01:10:42,733 But he was certainly frightening backstage, 1581 01:10:42,733 --> 01:10:44,800 and sometimes he had to take a Ritalin. 1582 01:10:44,800 --> 01:10:46,133 You and Groucho are very good friends. 1583 01:10:46,133 --> 01:10:49,066 -I'm Groucho's secretary. 1584 01:10:49,066 --> 01:10:51,366 -That's right. [ Audience murmuring ] 1585 01:10:51,366 --> 01:10:52,466 Now, let me ask you this. 1586 01:10:52,466 --> 01:10:54,300 -This is the euphemism of the year. 1587 01:10:54,300 --> 01:10:57,600 [ Laughter and applause ] 1588 01:10:57,600 --> 01:11:00,233 -It was a strange relationship, because he was what, 1589 01:11:00,233 --> 01:11:02,600 50 years older than she was or more. 1590 01:11:02,600 --> 01:11:04,466 You remember your first conversation together 1591 01:11:04,466 --> 01:11:06,166 where you and Erin first met? 1592 01:11:06,166 --> 01:11:07,966 -Yes. -Yeah? 1593 01:11:07,966 --> 01:11:11,300 -The first thing she said to me, if you have any notion 1594 01:11:11,300 --> 01:11:14,533 that I would marry, you, forget it. 1595 01:11:14,533 --> 01:11:16,533 And I said the same thing to her. 1596 01:11:16,533 --> 01:11:17,766 -Yeah. 1597 01:11:17,766 --> 01:11:20,400 -And we've been very close friends ever since. 1598 01:11:20,400 --> 01:11:22,333 -Some thought she was a blessing. 1599 01:11:22,333 --> 01:11:25,666 Others hated her guts, thought she was gonna kill him 1600 01:11:25,666 --> 01:11:28,000 by dragging him up and out into the public 1601 01:11:28,000 --> 01:11:32,500 and as they saw it promoting her own self and career. 1602 01:11:32,500 --> 01:11:35,366 We did kind of a documentary of Groucho 1603 01:11:35,366 --> 01:11:38,700 and bits from the show and so forth, 1604 01:11:38,700 --> 01:11:41,766 and I thought it worked beautifully. 1605 01:11:41,766 --> 01:11:45,366 And the phone rang, and it was Groucho. 1606 01:11:45,366 --> 01:11:46,933 and I said, "Did you see it, Groucho?" 1607 01:11:46,933 --> 01:11:49,866 And he said, "I want $16,000." 1608 01:11:49,866 --> 01:11:51,100 I said, "I'm sorry?" 1609 01:11:51,100 --> 01:11:54,266 "I want $16,000." 1610 01:11:54,266 --> 01:11:58,800 It's possible that someone had prompted this, but Erin -- 1611 01:11:58,800 --> 01:12:01,966 you got to give it to her, got him up, got him dressed, 1612 01:12:01,966 --> 01:12:04,533 got him to shows, got him to the Oscars. 1613 01:12:04,533 --> 01:12:09,066 It's true that she did all that, and I think she was hard on him, 1614 01:12:09,066 --> 01:12:13,733 and sometimes life-threateningly some say who were there. 1615 01:12:13,733 --> 01:12:16,933 I don't think I could ever forget the night 1616 01:12:16,933 --> 01:12:19,333 I introduced Groucho at Carnegie Hall, 1617 01:12:19,333 --> 01:12:21,533 remembering complaints that he made backstage 1618 01:12:21,533 --> 01:12:22,966 about having to go on. 1619 01:12:22,966 --> 01:12:25,100 He was very, very frail, 1620 01:12:25,100 --> 01:12:27,466 but you could tell that he wanted to. 1621 01:12:27,466 --> 01:12:31,100 What is Groucho really like? -Huh. 1622 01:12:31,100 --> 01:12:32,366 [ Laughter ] 1623 01:12:32,366 --> 01:12:35,566 -Why do you think they call him Groucho? 1624 01:12:35,566 --> 01:12:37,900 -Well, is he irascible and all of that? 1625 01:12:37,900 --> 01:12:39,033 -No. -No. 1626 01:12:39,033 --> 01:12:42,433 -He's very lovable and easy to work for. 1627 01:12:42,433 --> 01:12:46,466 -On the subject of Erin dragging Groucho 1628 01:12:46,466 --> 01:12:50,033 at times when it was excessive, 1629 01:12:50,033 --> 01:12:53,533 the premiere of "The Poseidon Adventure." 1630 01:12:53,533 --> 01:12:55,000 -Here's an unmistakable face, 1631 01:12:55,000 --> 01:12:59,400 despite the fact that he's in a Santa Claus costume tonight. 1632 01:12:59,400 --> 01:13:02,433 Groucho, I'd like you to introduce to us this lovely gal 1633 01:13:02,433 --> 01:13:03,500 that you're with tonight. 1634 01:13:03,500 --> 01:13:05,733 She's beautiful. She really is. 1635 01:13:05,733 --> 01:13:08,266 -You want me to introduce you to her? 1636 01:13:08,266 --> 01:13:09,366 -[ Laughs ] -Yeah, I'd like to know her. 1637 01:13:09,366 --> 01:13:11,066 Yes. She's beautiful. 1638 01:13:11,066 --> 01:13:14,300 -He'd like to know her. -Right, right. 1639 01:13:14,300 --> 01:13:18,566 -Groucho was ill, but he and Erin appeared there. 1640 01:13:18,566 --> 01:13:20,800 She was the only one well enough to go. 1641 01:13:20,800 --> 01:13:22,633 -I shouldn't be here at all tonight 1642 01:13:22,633 --> 01:13:24,700 because I should be at home in bed. 1643 01:13:24,700 --> 01:13:28,433 -Once I went up to Groucho's and Erin's room 1644 01:13:28,433 --> 01:13:34,500 in the Sherry-Netherland Hotel in New York and we chatted, 1645 01:13:34,500 --> 01:13:37,333 Erin excused herself to smoke a joint in the bedroom 1646 01:13:37,333 --> 01:13:41,333 and then came back, and we chatted some more, 1647 01:13:41,333 --> 01:13:43,333 and then I had to leave. 1648 01:13:43,333 --> 01:13:48,433 And as I left and I said, "Goodbye, Groucho," 1649 01:13:48,433 --> 01:13:52,133 I felt when this door finishes closing, 1650 01:13:52,133 --> 01:13:56,733 it might be the last time I ever see Captain Spaulding. 1651 01:13:56,733 --> 01:13:58,333 And it was. 1652 01:14:00,566 --> 01:14:06,366 -He had achieved everything that I wanted to achieve, 1653 01:14:06,366 --> 01:14:07,633 you know, as a comedian. 1654 01:14:07,633 --> 01:14:10,433 But he still got old, and he still aged, 1655 01:14:10,433 --> 01:14:13,433 and there was nothing special was gonna happen 1656 01:14:13,433 --> 01:14:14,866 because he had achieved 1657 01:14:14,866 --> 01:14:17,633 this enormous artistic accomplishment. 1658 01:14:17,633 --> 01:14:19,566 -And yet he died. -And yet he died. 1659 01:14:19,566 --> 01:14:20,900 -That's right. I remember saying to you one day 1660 01:14:20,900 --> 01:14:22,133 when we were both annoyed 1661 01:14:22,133 --> 01:14:24,966 at the skimpy Time  obituary on Groucho 1662 01:14:24,966 --> 01:14:30,100 and wrote letters about who do you have to be to get something, 1663 01:14:30,100 --> 01:14:31,766 a longer obit then -- -And what does it mean? 1664 01:14:31,766 --> 01:14:33,100 Sure. What does it mean anyhow? 1665 01:14:33,100 --> 01:14:36,633 I mean, is that a big deal, to get a long obituary? 1666 01:14:36,633 --> 01:14:39,100 -I'm Harry Reasoner, here tonight with Dick Cavett, 1667 01:14:39,100 --> 01:14:41,200 to remember the man with a funny mustache 1668 01:14:41,200 --> 01:14:43,866 and the big cigar he waved like a wand -- 1669 01:14:43,866 --> 01:14:46,933 this magician who could turn just about anything or anyone 1670 01:14:46,933 --> 01:14:50,033 into jelly and belly laughs. 1671 01:14:50,033 --> 01:14:52,100 -I wrote for Groucho, worked with him, 1672 01:14:52,100 --> 01:14:55,266 and, incredibly to me, came to be his friend. 1673 01:14:55,266 --> 01:14:57,166 It's hard for me to believe he's gone. 1674 01:14:57,166 --> 01:14:59,400 When I first met Groucho, I was 25. 1675 01:14:59,400 --> 01:15:01,266 He was 70. 1676 01:15:01,266 --> 01:15:04,266 But it seemed to me that we were the same age. 1677 01:15:04,266 --> 01:15:07,000 And he was a guest on my show many times in the early '70s. 1678 01:15:07,000 --> 01:15:08,766 And once, when we talked about 1679 01:15:08,766 --> 01:15:11,000 the fun we'd had doing those shows, Groucho said, 1680 01:15:11,000 --> 01:15:13,766 "Well, let's do another one, only leave me out of it." 1681 01:15:13,766 --> 01:15:16,700 -I remember that you introduced him to me at Lindy's restaurant. 1682 01:15:16,700 --> 01:15:19,300 I had morbid thoughts, because, you know, 1683 01:15:19,300 --> 01:15:23,533 he was then quite old, really, and not in great shape. 1684 01:15:23,533 --> 01:15:29,166 And I was very struck as we were sitting opposite him in Lindy's 1685 01:15:29,166 --> 01:15:32,233 that he reminded me of kind of a Jewish uncle in my family, 1686 01:15:32,233 --> 01:15:34,733 kind of a wisecracking Jewish uncle 1687 01:15:34,733 --> 01:15:36,966 with a sarcastic wit. 1688 01:15:36,966 --> 01:15:40,433 Not that different from many of the characters that turn up 1689 01:15:40,433 --> 01:15:44,100 at a wedding or a funeral or a bar mitzvah in a Jewish family. 1690 01:15:44,100 --> 01:15:46,900 You know, just more gifted, clearly. 1691 01:15:46,900 --> 01:15:49,266 -I'm generally admired you know? -Yes. 1692 01:15:49,266 --> 01:15:51,366 -That's from Gilbert and Sullivan. 1693 01:15:51,366 --> 01:15:55,133 -I wonder if you ever noticed how complicated and tricky 1694 01:15:55,133 --> 01:15:58,000 and elaborate some of the lyrics are 1695 01:15:58,000 --> 01:16:02,000 in Groucho's songs of Captain Spaulding 1696 01:16:02,000 --> 01:16:04,266 and all the others. 1697 01:16:04,266 --> 01:16:07,500 Part of that points to the fact that he was -- 1698 01:16:07,500 --> 01:16:09,966 and you would assume this if you knew him a little -- 1699 01:16:09,966 --> 01:16:12,800 a great fan of wordsmiths 1700 01:16:12,800 --> 01:16:16,600 and particularly Gilbert and Sullivan. 1701 01:16:16,600 --> 01:16:20,266 -♪ As someday it may happen that a victim must be found ♪ 1702 01:16:20,266 --> 01:16:23,400 ♪ I've got a little list, I've got a little list ♪ 1703 01:16:23,400 --> 01:16:26,466 ♪ Of society offenders who might well be underground ♪ 1704 01:16:26,466 --> 01:16:30,333 ♪ And who never would be missed, who never would be missed ♪ 1705 01:16:30,333 --> 01:16:32,333 ♪ There's the pestilential nuisances ♪ 1706 01:16:32,333 --> 01:16:34,033 ♪ Who write for autographs ♪ 1707 01:16:34,033 --> 01:16:38,033 ♪ All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs ♪ 1708 01:16:38,033 --> 01:16:39,866 ♪ All children who are up in dates ♪ 1709 01:16:39,866 --> 01:16:41,566 ♪ And floor you with 'em flat ♪ 1710 01:16:41,566 --> 01:16:43,733 ♪ All persons who on shaking hands ♪ 1711 01:16:43,733 --> 01:16:46,066 ♪ Shake hands with you like that ♪ 1712 01:16:46,066 --> 01:16:50,200 ♪ And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist ♪ 1713 01:16:50,200 --> 01:16:53,966 ♪ They'd none of 'em be missed, they'd none of 'em be missed ♪ 1714 01:16:53,966 --> 01:16:56,666 -♪ He's got 'em on the list, he's got 'em on the list ♪ 1715 01:16:56,666 --> 01:16:58,033 ♪ And they'll none of 'em be missed ♪ 1716 01:16:58,033 --> 01:17:00,133 ♪ They'll none of 'em be missed ♪ 1717 01:17:00,133 --> 01:17:02,333 -Mr. Cavett is an old Gilbertian scholar. 1718 01:17:02,333 --> 01:17:03,433 -No, you are. 1719 01:17:03,433 --> 01:17:05,133 -And he insists on singing this song. 1720 01:17:05,133 --> 01:17:07,966 -Oh, come on now! You roped me into doing this. 1721 01:17:09,666 --> 01:17:10,833 -When did I rope you? 1722 01:17:10,833 --> 01:17:12,633 -I almost doubt that it's true 1723 01:17:12,633 --> 01:17:16,933 that I got to sing with Groucho on a couple of occasions. 1724 01:17:16,933 --> 01:17:20,766 And to sing with him... 1725 01:17:20,766 --> 01:17:23,266 he sort of carried you [laughs] 1726 01:17:23,266 --> 01:17:25,500 like a great singer does. 1727 01:17:25,500 --> 01:17:31,566 -♪ On a tree by a river a little tom-tit ♪ 1728 01:17:31,566 --> 01:17:38,066 ♪ Sang, "Willow, titwillow, titwillow" ♪ 1729 01:17:38,066 --> 01:17:43,200 ♪ And I said to him, "Dicky-bird, why do you sit ♪ 1730 01:17:43,200 --> 01:17:49,366 ♪ Singing, "Willow, titwillow, titwillow" ♪ 1731 01:17:49,366 --> 01:17:54,600 ♪ "Is it weakness of intellect, birdie?", I cried ♪ 1732 01:17:54,600 --> 01:18:00,733 ♪ "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?" ♪ 1733 01:18:00,733 --> 01:18:07,566 ♪ With a shake of his poor, little head, he replied ♪ 1734 01:18:07,566 --> 01:18:14,833 ♪ "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow" ♪ 1735 01:18:14,833 --> 01:18:19,166 [ Speaks indistinctly ] -Mm. 1736 01:18:19,166 --> 01:18:21,066 [ Cheers and applause ] 1737 01:18:21,066 --> 01:18:24,133 You asked me this. 1738 01:18:24,133 --> 01:18:25,600 -Do you want me to -- 1739 01:18:25,600 --> 01:18:29,100 -See, it's hard for me to get my voice up as high as yours. 1740 01:18:32,000 --> 01:18:37,766 ♪ He slapped at his chest as he sat on that bough ♪ 1741 01:18:37,766 --> 01:18:39,166 -Real highbrow stuff here. 1742 01:18:39,166 --> 01:18:43,033 -♪ Singing, "Willow, titwillow, titwillow" ♪ 1743 01:18:43,033 --> 01:18:44,833 You're not with me. 1744 01:18:44,833 --> 01:18:48,200 ♪ And a cold perspiration bespangled ♪ 1745 01:18:48,200 --> 01:18:50,133 Thank you. ♪ His brow ♪ 1746 01:18:50,133 --> 01:18:54,766 ♪ Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow ♪ 1747 01:18:54,766 --> 01:18:56,433 [ Laughter ] 1748 01:18:56,433 --> 01:19:02,733 ♪ He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave ♪ 1749 01:19:02,733 --> 01:19:09,466 ♪ Then he plunged himself into the billowy wave ♪ 1750 01:19:09,466 --> 01:19:17,633 ♪ And an echo arose from the suicide's grave ♪ 1751 01:19:17,633 --> 01:19:21,933 [ Deep voice ] ♪ Oh, willow ♪ [ Laughter and applause ] 1752 01:19:21,933 --> 01:19:25,233 ♪ Titwillow ♪ -Frightened the hell out of me. 1753 01:19:25,233 --> 01:19:28,233 [ Laughter and applause ] 1754 01:19:32,633 --> 01:19:39,466 ♪ Now, I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name ♪ 1755 01:19:39,466 --> 01:19:46,300 ♪ Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow ♪ 1756 01:19:46,300 --> 01:19:52,500 ♪ That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim ♪ 1757 01:19:52,500 --> 01:20:00,033 ♪ "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow" ♪ 1758 01:20:00,033 --> 01:20:04,833 ♪ And if you remain callous and obdurate, I... ♪ 1759 01:20:04,833 --> 01:20:06,366 Just a moment. 1760 01:20:06,366 --> 01:20:09,900 Is there anyone in the audience that knows what obdurate means? 1761 01:20:09,900 --> 01:20:12,500 [ Laughter ] 1762 01:20:12,500 --> 01:20:14,933 Is there really? No, I'm serious about this. 1763 01:20:14,933 --> 01:20:17,800 What's the point of singing a song? 1764 01:20:17,800 --> 01:20:19,666 -What does it mean? -It's stubborn. 1765 01:20:19,666 --> 01:20:21,066 That's right. It's stubborn. 1766 01:20:21,066 --> 01:20:23,333 Who said that? 1767 01:20:23,333 --> 01:20:27,733 One literate person. [ Laughter ] 1768 01:20:27,733 --> 01:20:29,666 Okay, now continue. 1769 01:20:29,666 --> 01:20:33,266 [ Laughter ] 1770 01:20:33,266 --> 01:20:36,600 ♪ And if you remain callous and obdurate, I... ♪ 1771 01:20:36,600 --> 01:20:43,233 ♪ Shall perish as he did, and you will know why ♪ 1772 01:20:43,233 --> 01:20:48,033 ♪ Though I probably shall not exclaim when I die ♪ 1773 01:20:48,033 --> 01:20:56,466 -♪ "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow" ♪ 1774 01:20:56,466 --> 01:20:59,733 [ Applause ] 1775 01:21:05,333 --> 01:21:56,033 ♪♪ 1776 01:21:56,033 --> 01:21:57,366 [ Barks ] 1777 01:21:57,366 --> 01:21:58,733 ♪♪