So, we give a lot of tickets for people doing stuff...
like jerking off in public
and things you shouldn't really do.
So today we thought we'd do a new program that we call
- "Operation Frown Upside Down." - "Frown Upside Down."
- We were going to do that together but... - Yeah, that's fine.
We are gonna give this man a ticket...
but a ticket to, uh...
- a movie! - A movie!
It's called Book Club Bandit$.
And get this, the "S" is a dollar sign.
And, uh, it's staring, um,
- uh, Jennifer Lopez... - Jennifer Lopez.
... and Awkwafina who I absolutely love.
Watch us blow this guy's mind.
Sheriff's Department.
Back away from my car!
Holy shit!
Sir, I'm trying to give you free popcorn, you motherfucker!
Oh.
Good morning, Prince Charming.
You remember why we pulled you in here?
You wanna remind me, blue eyes?
You, uh, you flunked a field sobriety test
and we impounded your Harley.
Oh, shit.
- Can I ask you a question? - Sure.
Are you really a cop,
or are you a movie star
doing research to play a cop?
Yeah, uh, listen, there's no need to flirt with me, all right?
Even though, you... you do tick off about...
three of the boxes of the... the type of guy I like.
If I could do magic, I'd put you and me in a genie bottle,
- cast us off to sea... - Oh!
... and have us wash up in Los Cabos...
mid-December...
- ... blue whale migration season. - Exactly.
Whisk off to Sammy Hagar's for some peel-and-eat shrimp and...
and some clamato margatinis.
You had me at "clamahto" margatinis.
You say "clamahto," I say "clamayto."
And you know what I would say if I were a blue whale?
Mm.
Mm. Mm.
- Come on! - This time for real.
There you go!
Do it again!
- Pretty good. Pretty good. - Pretty good. Pretty good.
- You know who can't shoot like that? - Yeah.
- Spark's Department. Fuck those guys. - Yeah, fuck those guys.
- I think that's a lucky shirt. - Mm, lucky...
You know where he got this?
He goes to the... the lads section,
- the boys section... - Yeah.
- Yeah, lar... large boys. Yeah. - Large boys...
He points to the three mannequins...
- Sold, sold, sold, and he walks out. - Uh-huh. Uh- huh.
- Like a millionaire. - Yeah.
You look a regular Magnum P.I. over there.
And then Donny Junior can use them after.
No, but you wear a smedium.
- He's a husky smedium, yeah. - Husky smedium.
But, you know, most Americans...
Hey, you guys, I forgot to tell you. I bought a new turtleneck.
These are, uh, men's shoes.
Yeah, we figured.
You remember I... I warned you, right?
It's OK, baby.
We all have white friends.
Yeah. Wait, just a second.
Hello.
Whoa. Yes, sir.
- Oh, it's about work. - Yes, sir.
Uh, no. We are actually, uh, we are off duty today, sir.
- It's ICE. - Oh, shit!
- It's ICE. It's Immigration... Hey. Yes, sir. - The Immigration?
Uh... Uh... Yeah. We would, uh, we would love to.
You know, we are not allowed
to do backup on Immigration raids.
Them snowflakes on the City Council,
them goddamn libtards...
- Ordinance 42! - Ordinance 42.
And then the goddamn snowflakes they voted for it,
and we are a sanctuary county.
Yes, sir. OK, wait just a second. I'll let you speak to my supervisor.
- No, I don't wanna talk! - Losers!
I haven't even finished my hot dog.
Hello, Hello, this is Lieutenant Dangle.
- Yep. - What are you doing?
It's, uh... It's...
Here.
- No, no, no, no, no, no! - Give it.
Shit, shit, shit!
Hello, this is Carol Wiegel. Yes.
Fuck, that's her real last name! That's her... that's her actual name!
No. We're very busy actually because we just found a whole...
bunch of dead bodies.
Carol, we need you.
Hold on, please. Someone's calling me by my name.
- Carol. - Yes, this Carol. Can I help you?
You need to play it out. Get the phone...
It turns out it was nothing. Anyway...
- Just get it from her! - Carol?
- Ouch. I think I lost him. - Then we good.
Maria...
_
- At the Comida Mart. - _
Why don't you have a wedding ring?
I had one.
You know, but I messed up.
I think I got hitched a little too early.
Then we had us a little girl and...
- Well, kids ruin everything. - Mm-hmm.
I didn't know my dad.
Anyway, all I know about him is he...
he's really hot, and he had...
the strangest tattoo.
It said "Fuck Newt Gingrich."
- Right here. - Fuck...
"Fuck Newt Gingrich."
Did you say "Fuck Newt Gingrich?"
- Yes. - You mean like this "Fuck Newt Gingrich" tattoo?
Oh.
Gross.
I guess some of that got awful weird, huh?
It's fine.
Well, I didn't know you was my little girl.
- Yeah, we didn't know! We didn't know. - We didn't know.
Anything I said to you as a whale, I take back.
Uh...
I'm sorry, baby.
I'm sorry I was a deadbeat.
You know that Harley I got parked outside?
I want you to have it.
- No, I can't let you do that. Are you sure? - OK. I'm su...
Baby, you gotta let me do this for you.
"Fuck Newt Gingrich." That's what it says.
Yeah, fuck him for all time.
How do you like my new bike?
That wasn't my dad.
I'm not that gross, come on!
I saw that tattoo when he was booked,
and I thought, "Well, I'm gonna have a little fun with him."
And just for the record,
my dad owns an erotic puppet theater in Tallahassee,
and has to stay at least a 1,000 yards away from me at all times.
- Synced and corrected by chamallow - - www.addic7ed.com -