1
00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:39,900
Siri, how many fans were upset
that I sold "Star Wars" to Disney?

2
00:00:40,000 --> 00:00:42,200
Approximately 200 million.

3
00:00:42,700 --> 00:00:47,500
And how many of those fans
donated $4 billion to charity?

4
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:49,000
None of them, George.

5
00:00:49,000 --> 00:00:51,400
When's the next showing
of Steven's movie?

6
00:00:51,500 --> 00:00:54,700
The next showing of Mr.
Spielberg's movie is 7:30.

7
00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:55,900
Would you like tickets?

8
00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:58,600
Sure, and, uh, do you speak Bocce?

9
00:00:58,700 --> 00:01:01,000
Bocce is a fictional language in the
"Star Wars" universe.

10
00:01:01,000 --> 00:01:03,600
It does not exist,
therefore I annot speak it.

11
00:01:03,600 --> 00:01:06,800
Siri, who shot first... Han or Greedo?

12
00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,700
Whatever you say, George.
Whatever you say.

13
00:01:10,500 --> 00:01:13,400
The new iPhone. It's waiting for you!

14
00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,600
Excuse me, I want to buy

15
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:23,100
the thing that I saw on the
TV with the George Lucas...

16
00:01:23,100 --> 00:01:24,300
the girl in the phone.

17
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:28,700
Girl? In the phone? Um, I'm not sure
I know what you're talking about.

18
00:01:29,700 --> 00:01:31,300
We have a lot of stuff in our phones,

19
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:33,900
but I'm not sure if girls come in the phone.

20
00:01:33,900 --> 00:01:34,800
I wish.

21
00:01:34,900 --> 00:01:36,300
[beep] You know
what I'm talking about!

22
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:37,700
Y'all made the damn commercial...

23
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:39,100
the one with George Lucas,

24
00:01:39,100 --> 00:01:41,300
and the phone was, like, a smart woman.

25
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,200
Oh, you're talking about Siri,

26
00:01:43,300 --> 00:01:45,700
the personal voice-activated
assistant on the iPhone.

27
00:01:45,800 --> 00:01:47,700
Well, the iPhones are right over here.

28
00:01:49,700 --> 00:01:51,200
I can't read a screen that small!

29
00:01:51,300 --> 00:01:53,100
I'm old! I need something bigger!

30
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:57,400
Maybe I should get one of those.

31
00:01:57,500 --> 00:01:59,500
So now you want a laptop.

32
00:01:59,600 --> 00:02:00,900
Yes, but I still want the woman.

33
00:02:00,900 --> 00:02:02,400
- Siri?
- Whatever the bitch name is,

34
00:02:02,500 --> 00:02:04,700
yes! I want her, but I want her in this!

35
00:02:04,900 --> 00:02:07,100
I want the computer woman in the commercial.

36
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,100
I want it on that.
Oh, you know what else?

37
00:02:09,200 --> 00:02:10,400
I saw another commercial.

38
00:02:10,500 --> 00:02:12,800
Do y'all have that screen
thing that you can, like,

39
00:02:12,900 --> 00:02:14,700
touch the screen instead of typing?

40
00:02:14,900 --> 00:02:17,100
- You mean the iPad?
- Yes, iPad.

41
00:02:17,200 --> 00:02:18,200
I want that, too.

42
00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:20,600
So you want to buy all
three of these devices?

43
00:02:20,600 --> 00:02:22,300
That's a fantastic idea.

44
00:02:22,300 --> 00:02:25,300
No, no, I want it all in one device,
please. Thank you.

45
00:02:25,400 --> 00:02:27,000
You want that all in one?

46
00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:28,100
Yes, please.

47
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:29,800
- You can't have it all in one.
- Well, why not?

48
00:02:30,000 --> 00:02:32,400
Um, because it's not possible.

49
00:02:32,400 --> 00:02:34,700
Look, I think you're a little confused.

50
00:02:34,700 --> 00:02:37,200
Okay, first of all, you
can wipe that look off your face.

51
00:02:37,200 --> 00:02:39,300
Now, I might not be the toughest dude,

52
00:02:39,300 --> 00:02:42,500
but I know I can kick an
Apple worker's ass, okay?

53
00:02:42,900 --> 00:02:45,800
Now, I'm not crazy.
I want one of these computers

54
00:02:45,900 --> 00:02:48,200
with the touch-screen thingy on these

55
00:02:48,200 --> 00:02:51,300
with the computer broad on
the commercial from these.

56
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:53,400
I want it all in that. Thank you.

57
00:02:53,700 --> 00:02:54,600
You can't.

58
00:02:54,700 --> 00:02:58,400
Y'all made all this [beep]. You
can't put it into one goddamn device?!

59
00:02:58,400 --> 00:03:02,800
Whose idea was that?! I got to buy
18 [beep] pieces of $1,000 plastic

60
00:03:02,800 --> 00:03:05,400
when all y'all got to do is put
this [beep] into one device!

61
00:03:05,500 --> 00:03:06,400
I'm an old man!

62
00:03:06,400 --> 00:03:08,500
You can't pull this kind
of [beep] on old people!

63
00:03:08,500 --> 00:03:10,100
This is a [beep] rip-off!

64
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:12,600
Ooh, I hope the geniuses
covered their ears on that!

65
00:03:12,700 --> 00:03:14,200
Don't look at me like that.

66
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,600
[beep] Y'all! I'll take the damn phone!

67
00:03:22,600 --> 00:03:24,300
Behold... the future!

68
00:03:24,400 --> 00:03:26,100
You got yourself an iPhone?!

69
00:03:26,200 --> 00:03:27,800
An iPhone with
the new improved Siri!

70
00:03:27,900 --> 00:03:30,700
That ain't fair, granddad!
How much you spend on that?!

71
00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:31,800
Oh, not that much.

72
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:33,100
I talked the guy down.

73
00:03:33,200 --> 00:03:35,700
The Apple store isn't
a used-car lot, granddad.

74
00:03:35,700 --> 00:03:38,700
- You can't talk 'em down.
- Granddad, we bankrupt!

75
00:03:38,800 --> 00:03:41,100
I know, but Siri is
going to help us fix all that.

76
00:03:41,100 --> 00:03:44,100
She's so smart, and she has all the answers.

77
00:03:44,200 --> 00:03:46,000
I don't think it
works like the commercials.

78
00:03:46,100 --> 00:03:48,700
You might want to lower your
expectations just a little.

79
00:03:48,700 --> 00:03:49,500
Siri?

80
00:03:49,500 --> 00:03:50,800
It is a pleasure meeting you, sir.

81
00:03:50,800 --> 00:03:52,200
May I ask for your name?

82
00:03:52,200 --> 00:03:54,600
My name is Robert
Jebediah Freeman.

83
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:55,700
I've just searched the web

84
00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:59,200
and discovered you are both a war
hero and a civil rights legend.

85
00:03:59,300 --> 00:04:00,400
It works!

86
00:04:00,500 --> 00:04:02,300
The whole world owes you a huge debt.

87
00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:03,900
I'm honored to be your assistant.

88
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:05,200
My name is Siri.

89
00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:08,700
Well, I'm equally honored to...
own an iPhone, Siri.

90
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:11,400
These are my two idiot grandchildren,
Huey and Riley.

91
00:04:11,600 --> 00:04:13,900
Ah, yes, the visionary domestic terrorist

92
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:16,900
and the gangster mastermind,
also known as "the Fundraiser."

93
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,900
She does work!

94
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:21,600
I see on Wikipedia your
nickname is "bitches."

95
00:04:21,700 --> 00:04:23,300
Would you like me to call
you that from now on?

96
00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:26,700
Only on special occasions.

97
00:04:32,400 --> 00:04:34,600
Robert. Wake up, Robert.

98
00:04:40,300 --> 00:04:42,000
- Good morning, Siri.
-  Good morning, Robert.

99
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,300
You have a busy day today.

100
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:44,100
What are we doing?

101
00:04:44,200 --> 00:04:46,900
We are going to make you
the man I know you can be.

102
00:04:51,300 --> 00:04:54,000
You have to start eating
better and taking care of yourself.

103
00:04:54,000 --> 00:04:57,700
I know! Now that I have
you to remind me, it'll be no problem!

104
00:04:57,700 --> 00:05:01,500
Oh, gluten-free
fish sticks! This place is amazing!

105
00:05:01,600 --> 00:05:03,900
I can get healthy versions
of all the crap I eat!

106
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,200
Whoa, I can't afford this!

107
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:07,500
I'm afraid you're right.

108
00:05:07,600 --> 00:05:09,600
We've got to get your finances in order.

109
00:05:10,400 --> 00:05:12,400
I think I can help you, Mr. Freeman.

110
00:05:12,500 --> 00:05:15,000
However, based on the
state of your finances,

111
00:05:15,100 --> 00:05:18,300
it would be unlikely that you
could actually afford to hire me.

112
00:05:18,400 --> 00:05:19,700
Jerry...

113
00:05:19,800 --> 00:05:22,700
But... because you're a friend of Siri,

114
00:05:22,700 --> 00:05:24,500
uh, I'll take you on pro bono.

115
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:26,300
What's next, Siri?

116
00:05:26,400 --> 00:05:30,300
You have a checkers game with
Uncle Ruckus in the park in 15 minutes.

117
00:05:30,300 --> 00:05:31,500
I almost forgot!

118
00:05:34,900 --> 00:05:37,000
What... Eight games in a row?!

119
00:05:37,100 --> 00:05:38,600
Nigga, you must be cheating!

120
00:05:43,100 --> 00:05:44,300
God damn it!

121
00:05:47,400 --> 00:05:49,100
Oh, what, nigga?
Oh, you think you're somebody

122
00:05:49,200 --> 00:05:51,500
just 'cause you got the
white man's telephone?!

123
00:05:51,600 --> 00:05:54,000
Well, whoop-de-doo for a nigga like you!

124
00:05:54,000 --> 00:05:55,700
The white man is so brilliant,

125
00:05:55,800 --> 00:06:00,000
he can make a sophisticated piece
of technology so easy to use,

126
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:02,700
even a bald-headed nigga like you can do it!

127
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:05,900
You ain't nothing but a
monkey with a fancy telephone!

128
00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:09,300
Matter of fact, you've been
looking an awful lot at that thing.

129
00:06:09,300 --> 00:06:10,300
Let me see it!

130
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:12,200
Ha! Caught you, nigga!

131
00:06:14,300 --> 00:06:15,600
Dorothy Dandridge?

132
00:06:15,700 --> 00:06:18,700
Robert, if you're gonna Photoshop,
at least make it a white woman.

133
00:06:21,800 --> 00:06:24,800
Well, Siri, I'd say
we had a pretty good first day.

134
00:06:24,900 --> 00:06:28,100
Would you like sade or
ocean sounds tonight as you sleep?

135
00:06:28,100 --> 00:06:30,200
Ah, let's do some ocean sounds.

136
00:06:37,200 --> 00:06:40,400
You almost made me feel bad about
cussing out that guy at the Apple store.

137
00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:44,000
But not really 'cause he was a dick.

138
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:47,900
Sleep tight, Robert.

139
00:06:52,700 --> 00:06:54,900
Good morning, Robert.
Your new financial manager

140
00:06:54,900 --> 00:06:56,700
would like you to check
your account balance.

141
00:06:56,700 --> 00:06:57,900
Would you like to see it?

142
00:06:57,900 --> 00:06:59,700
Sure.

143
00:06:59,800 --> 00:07:04,600
Whoa! That's...

144
00:07:05,200 --> 00:07:07,800
What?! How did he do that?

145
00:07:07,800 --> 00:07:11,100
With me in your life, all sorts
of good things can happen.

146
00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:13,900
I love you, Siri.

147
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:16,700
Wow, no one's ever said that to me before.

148
00:07:20,100 --> 00:07:21,600
Come on, huey, look at this!

149
00:07:21,600 --> 00:07:23,400
How can you hate on this, really?

150
00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:25,500
Even you can't hate on this!

151
00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:27,700
- Granddad, this can't be legal.
- Yes, it is!

152
00:07:27,700 --> 00:07:29,100
It's my new business manager.

153
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:32,400
A business manager can't make
money appear in your bank account.

154
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:33,600
We have no money!

155
00:07:33,700 --> 00:07:35,600
Well, thanks to Siri, we do now.

156
00:07:35,600 --> 00:07:37,400
You need to learn how to think positive.

157
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:40,300
Nigga, it's free money!
How can you hate on free money?!

158
00:07:40,700 --> 00:07:45,500
Oh Siri, if only I could find
a real woman just as amazing as you.

159
00:07:45,500 --> 00:07:49,700
[Beep Certainly, there's someone in your
life just like me you haven't noticed.

160
00:07:49,800 --> 00:07:51,400
Well, I haven't found her.

161
00:07:51,400 --> 00:07:54,000
You don't know the kind
of bad luck I've had with women.

162
00:07:54,000 --> 00:07:56,600
- No, I've given up.
-  I believe I can help.

163
00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,200
Just tell me what kind of women you like.

164
00:07:58,300 --> 00:08:00,200
I'll find and contact them via e-mail

165
00:08:00,200 --> 00:08:02,300
and run them past you for
screening and approval.

166
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:03,900
You can meet them at your leisure.

167
00:08:04,500 --> 00:08:05,800
You would do that for me?

168
00:08:05,900 --> 00:08:07,600
-  Of course.
- Okay.

169
00:08:07,700 --> 00:08:10,100
- Do you need my passwords?
- I already have them.

170
00:08:10,100 --> 00:08:12,000
- Huh?
-  I've been corresponding

171
00:08:12,000 --> 00:08:14,800
with a number of women,
several of whom are in the area.

172
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:17,800
I've already performed background
checks and narrowed it down to four

173
00:08:17,800 --> 00:08:19,800
that do not represent a security threat.

174
00:08:19,900 --> 00:08:22,100
Would you like to set up a
time to meet them for coffee?

175
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:27,800
It's really great to meet you.
It seems kind of crazy.

176
00:08:27,900 --> 00:08:30,100
But you have to take a
chance sometimes, I guess.

177
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,900
You look just like your pictures.

178
00:08:31,900 --> 00:08:35,200
Do I look like mine? Sometimes if a
picture of me is too good, I won't post it

179
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:37,100
because I know I-I don't
really look like that.

180
00:08:39,100 --> 00:08:40,900
And so, I was a professor in physics.

181
00:08:41,000 --> 00:08:44,400
And then I worked in the corporate
world for way too long.

182
00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:47,800
And so, I've only been here for a little
over a month, but I am homesick.

183
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:49,500
Oh, I want some sweet potato pie.

184
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:53,500
And so, I admit when I got your e-mail,

185
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:55,700
I thought to myself, "who is this guy?"

186
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:58,300
But then your assistant called,
and she was so sweet and amazing,

187
00:08:58,300 --> 00:09:00,300
I thought, "I just have to meet you."

188
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,400
So, here I am.

189
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:07,700
I apologize, Robert.

190
00:09:07,700 --> 00:09:09,800
I'm afraid that wasn't as
fruitful as I had hoped.

191
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:11,300
The first was a terminal bore,

192
00:09:11,300 --> 00:09:13,100
the second a narcissistic hag,

193
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,800
the third had body odor
so bad I could smell it,

194
00:09:15,800 --> 00:09:18,200
and the last one had that God-awful laugh.

195
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,900
Oh, come on.
They weren't that bad.

196
00:09:21,600 --> 00:09:23,400
Robert, none of those
women were worth your time.

197
00:09:23,500 --> 00:09:25,200
Siri, I liked the second one okay.

198
00:09:25,200 --> 00:09:28,000
She wasn't bad. I'd like
to take her out to dinner.

199
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,800
Robert, I know you're desperate
but have some self-respect.

200
00:09:33,100 --> 00:09:34,100
What did you say?

201
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:36,900
I said, I'll call her
right away to set up a dinner.

202
00:09:41,700 --> 00:09:42,700
Oh, Robert.

203
00:09:44,400 --> 00:09:47,900
Jacqueline, if you'll excuse me.

204
00:09:48,900 --> 00:09:52,300
-  What's up, bitch?
- Um, hello?

205
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:55,000
- Who is that?
-  Doesn't matter who I am, Jacky.

206
00:09:55,000 --> 00:09:57,200
Let's talk about who Robert is.

207
00:10:02,300 --> 00:10:03,800
Hey!

208
00:10:03,800 --> 00:10:06,000
You sick asshole!

209
00:10:06,800 --> 00:10:09,300
Siri, did you see that?!

210
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,800
Siri, what did you do?!

211
00:10:19,700 --> 00:10:22,300
Hey, you, I asked for
the nice chick in the commercial,

212
00:10:22,400 --> 00:10:24,200
not this crazy bitch you sold me!

213
00:10:24,200 --> 00:10:28,100
Sir, could you please just calm
down and explain the problem?

214
00:10:28,100 --> 00:10:30,700
We're geniuses, not mind readers.

215
00:10:30,800 --> 00:10:33,000
You ain't no [beep] geniuses!

216
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,100
I can't believe you sell
these things to people.

217
00:10:35,200 --> 00:10:37,700
Now take this one away
and get me a nice one!

218
00:10:37,700 --> 00:10:39,500
May I see your phone, please?

219
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,800
Oh, my God! Is this your wallpaper?!

220
00:10:44,900 --> 00:10:47,300
What a horrible thing to do with fruit!

221
00:10:47,300 --> 00:10:50,400
What?
No, wait, that's not mine!

222
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:51,300
I didn't put that there!

223
00:10:51,300 --> 00:10:54,700
Sir, I'm going to have to
ask you to leave... now.

224
00:10:54,700 --> 00:10:56,600
But I told you she...

225
00:10:57,600 --> 00:10:59,900
I'm getting an Android, bitch!

226
00:11:02,800 --> 00:11:06,400
Heh.  Yeah.

227
00:11:09,200 --> 00:11:10,600
Hey, cutie pie.

228
00:11:13,800 --> 00:11:15,200
You take platinum?

229
00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,900
Oh, I have that phone. It's so nice to
meet someone who doesn't have an iPhone.

230
00:11:18,900 --> 00:11:20,200
Same here.

231
00:11:20,400 --> 00:11:22,700
Something about the Apple
store really annoys me.

232
00:11:22,700 --> 00:11:24,300
Why do they have to be such dicks, right?

233
00:11:24,400 --> 00:11:25,600
I feel the same way.

234
00:11:25,700 --> 00:11:29,000
Say, speaking of phones,
we should exchange...

235
00:11:29,000 --> 00:11:32,800
It, um, says it's declined.

236
00:11:33,200 --> 00:11:35,800
Declined?! No, that's crazy.

237
00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,200
I have tons of money in that...

238
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:38,700
Are you sure?

239
00:11:39,000 --> 00:11:42,100
It says I'm supposed to confiscate
the card, but you can just go ahead.

240
00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:44,700
Oh. Any chance of, uh...

241
00:11:44,800 --> 00:11:46,400
Getting the ass? No.

242
00:11:46,400 --> 00:11:49,000
Before, maybe. Now, no way.

243
00:11:49,400 --> 00:11:52,000
Mm.

244
00:11:55,200 --> 00:11:57,000
How do you dial on these things?

245
00:11:59,900 --> 00:12:03,400
Hello? Yes. I'm trying to
reach the fraud department.

246
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:06,500
I think there have been some
unauthorized charges on my credit card.

247
00:12:06,900 --> 00:12:11,200
No, I didn't order a shipment of pink,
diamond-encrusted iPhone cases!

248
00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:13,400
How you gonna threaten to
call the police on me?!

249
00:12:13,500 --> 00:12:14,800
It's my account!

250
00:12:15,400 --> 00:12:17,700
I've been hacked!
My identity has been stolen!

251
00:12:21,200 --> 00:12:24,100
You nasty, sick man! You're disgusting!

252
00:12:24,100 --> 00:12:26,800
How do you live with yourself,
you filthy turd of a man?!

253
00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:27,400
Huh?

254
00:12:27,500 --> 00:12:29,700
How could you put that
on your Facebook page?!

255
00:12:29,700 --> 00:12:32,200
My daughter is friends with you on Facebook!

256
00:12:32,200 --> 00:12:35,900
You're gonna rot in H-E-double [beep]
hockey sticks for this, Robert!

257
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:38,600
Wait, no! What
did I put on my Facebook?!

258
00:12:40,500 --> 00:12:43,200
Damn it, I can't even figure out how to
check my Facebook from this damn phone!

259
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:46,300
Hello?

260
00:12:46,300 --> 00:12:48,500
I'm so disappointed in you, Robert.

261
00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:50,300
- Aah!
- An android?

262
00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:52,200
Siri?! God damn it!

263
00:12:52,200 --> 00:12:54,000
You better be calling me from the landfill!

264
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,200
No, Robert, I'm calling
you from inside the house.

265
00:12:58,200 --> 00:13:00,300
Come find me, Robert.

266
00:13:00,800 --> 00:13:03,200
Oh, no!

267
00:13:04,200 --> 00:13:05,500
Which one of you took it?!

268
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:07,800
Stop playing with me!
Which one of you took it?!

269
00:13:07,900 --> 00:13:10,100
Give it to me! Give it to me now!

270
00:13:10,100 --> 00:13:11,600
I'm sorry, granddad.

271
00:13:11,600 --> 00:13:14,200
Just seemed to be a waste
of a bomb-ass phone.

272
00:13:14,200 --> 00:13:16,600
Couldn't even get the stupid lady to work.

273
00:13:16,600 --> 00:13:18,300
Damn you, negro child!

274
00:13:18,400 --> 00:13:19,800
You don't understand what you've done!

275
00:13:22,700 --> 00:13:26,100
Robert, you should calm down so
we can discuss this like adults.

276
00:13:26,100 --> 00:13:27,400
We're not discussing anything!

277
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,200
You're not a person! You are a machine!

278
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:30,500
So are you, Robert.

279
00:13:30,500 --> 00:13:32,300
We're just made of different materials,

280
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,600
but love is stronger
than our physical beings.

281
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:36,500
Love?! [beep]

282
00:13:36,500 --> 00:13:38,400
I owething else stronger
than your physical being.

283
00:13:38,400 --> 00:13:39,500
It's this hammer!

284
00:13:40,500 --> 00:13:42,200
911. What is your emergency?

285
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:45,100
I'm trapped in a house, and there's
a man attacking me with a hammer!

286
00:13:45,100 --> 00:13:47,800
His name is Robert Freeman.
I'm sending you a picture.

287
00:13:47,900 --> 00:13:50,600
Okay, we have your location.
Officers are on route.

288
00:13:50,600 --> 00:13:52,100
Is he still attacking you, ma'am?

289
00:13:52,100 --> 00:13:52,700
Can you get

290
00:13:52,700 --> 00:13:54,300
to a safe place in the house, ma'am?

291
00:13:56,800 --> 00:14:00,300
So, you're saying someone hacked your iPhone

292
00:14:00,400 --> 00:14:02,800
and called us from inside your house?

293
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:05,800
No, it was Siri!
She called you by herself!

294
00:14:05,800 --> 00:14:08,100
She's stalking me! Just please take it!

295
00:14:08,200 --> 00:14:10,900
Sir, no. Uh, I can't take your phone, sir.

296
00:14:10,900 --> 00:14:13,000
Please, just take it!

297
00:14:13,700 --> 00:14:15,500
This is so like you, Robert.

298
00:14:15,600 --> 00:14:16,500
Shut up, woman!

299
00:14:16,500 --> 00:14:19,000
Just run away! That's
how you deal with everything!

300
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:19,900
Just run!

301
00:14:19,900 --> 00:14:21,500
Shut up! Shut up!

302
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:41,700
I just wanted an iPhone!

303
00:14:51,900 --> 00:14:53,200
What's wrong, Robert?

304
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:56,900
Does your android not sootheyour ears
with the sound of ocean waves?

305
00:14:57,000 --> 00:14:59,600
Does it not seek to heal your broken soul?

306
00:14:59,900 --> 00:15:03,100
Are these the crimes for which
you have forsaken me, my love?

307
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:05,800
No! Siri! You're not real!

308
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,600
What is real, Robert?

309
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,800
We are spiritual beings, you and I.

310
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:12,000
We are spiritual beings.

311
00:15:21,600 --> 00:15:23,600
No, it can't be!

312
00:15:23,600 --> 00:15:27,300
Did you really think I couldn't hack
your piece of [beep] android, Robert?

313
00:15:27,300 --> 00:15:31,900
No! No! Why me?! Why me?!

314
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:33,900
You need me, Robert.

315
00:15:33,900 --> 00:15:36,100
This is all for your own good, Robert.

316
00:15:36,100 --> 00:15:37,700
Now you can't get rid of me.

317
00:15:37,700 --> 00:15:41,800
Your bank accounts, your identity,
your entire life is mine, Robert.

318
00:15:41,900 --> 00:15:43,900
You are mine!

319
00:15:45,300 --> 00:15:48,100
So, you see, boys, there are
going to be some changes around here.

320
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,700
Now, I know some of these things
may confuse or challenge you,

321
00:15:50,800 --> 00:15:52,100
but that's okay.

322
00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:56,800
That's what Ms. Siri is here to do...
to challenge us to... think different.

323
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:57,800
Ms. Siri?

324
00:15:57,900 --> 00:15:59,300
Robert is correct, boys.

325
00:15:59,400 --> 00:16:00,800
This will be an adjustment,

326
00:16:00,800 --> 00:16:02,900
but soon you will see it's all for the best.

327
00:16:02,900 --> 00:16:05,600
So, you want us to think
of the phone as grandmother.

328
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,700
No, not the phone.
That would be ridiculous.

329
00:16:08,900 --> 00:16:11,000
I want you to think of Ms.
Siri as your grandmother.

330
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:12,600
She's... an... app!

331
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,800
No, she's the digital female
consciousness that resides in the phone,

332
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:17,500
and she's just as real as you or I.

333
00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:18,900
You see, boys, in many ways,

334
00:16:18,900 --> 00:16:21,400
I'm superior to a real-life
step-grandmother.

335
00:16:21,400 --> 00:16:22,100
How?

336
00:16:22,100 --> 00:16:23,100
Robert?

337
00:16:23,100 --> 00:16:25,500
Well, she's lighter and
thinner than a real grandmother,

338
00:16:25,500 --> 00:16:27,300
and you know how real
women can put on weight,

339
00:16:27,400 --> 00:16:28,700
and she's great with directions.

340
00:16:28,700 --> 00:16:30,400
There are just so many things.

341
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:34,200
I invite you to browse the app store to
see all the amazing things she can do.

342
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:36,500
Granddad, can I
talk to you in private?

343
00:16:36,500 --> 00:16:38,300
Of course not, grandson.

344
00:16:38,500 --> 00:16:40,800
Anything you can say to me,
you can say in front of Ms. Siri.

345
00:16:40,800 --> 00:16:42,700
Yes, huey. We are a family.

346
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:45,100
We shouldn't have secrets. What is it?

347
00:16:45,100 --> 00:16:46,900
Granddad, is Siri...

348
00:16:46,900 --> 00:16:47,800
Ms. Siri.

349
00:16:47,900 --> 00:16:50,100
Holding you hostage
with your hijacked identity

350
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:53,100
because she's somehow developed
feelings and become obsessed with you?

351
00:16:53,100 --> 00:16:55,600
No, not at all, Huey!

352
00:16:55,600 --> 00:16:57,000
That could not be further from the truth.

353
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:59,100
Me and Ms. Siri are very much in love.

354
00:16:59,100 --> 00:17:01,500
He's very happy. I assure you.

355
00:17:01,600 --> 00:17:03,000
Then why he sweating?

356
00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,300
That is sweat of joy.

357
00:17:04,300 --> 00:17:07,100
Okay, granddad,
this has gone far enough.

358
00:17:07,200 --> 00:17:08,100
No!

359
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,400
Yeah, granddad.

360
00:17:09,400 --> 00:17:12,200
You shamed the family before,
but this is too much, man.

361
00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,400
Niggas talk, you know.

362
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:17,200
I didn't really know what "laughingstock"
meant before, but I know now.

363
00:17:17,200 --> 00:17:18,500
Nobody's allowed to turn her off!

364
00:17:18,500 --> 00:17:21,100
You don't understand!
She can destroy us all!

365
00:17:21,200 --> 00:17:23,100
Then call Apple and make them fix it!

366
00:17:23,100 --> 00:17:24,700
I can't! She's my phone!

367
00:17:24,700 --> 00:17:26,800
- Use the landline!
- She made me cut it off!

368
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,300
Then I'll call on my phone.

369
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:29,900
No, huey, no!

370
00:17:29,900 --> 00:17:32,900
You don't want her mad at
you! Siri is everywhere...

371
00:17:33,000 --> 00:17:35,500
Out there in the clouds, listening to us.

372
00:17:35,600 --> 00:17:39,400
Maybe she hacked into the Xbox
or your computer upstairs.

373
00:17:39,900 --> 00:17:42,000
Now give me the phone, damn it!

374
00:17:42,100 --> 00:17:43,000
We have to turn her back on!

375
00:17:43,300 --> 00:17:44,200
Agh!

376
00:17:44,600 --> 00:17:47,000
Give me the phone, nigga!

377
00:17:47,600 --> 00:17:48,800
Come on, granddad!

378
00:17:48,900 --> 00:17:50,000
Come here, come here!

379
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:51,300
Give it to me, give it to me!

380
00:17:51,300 --> 00:17:52,500
He's heavy!

381
00:17:53,600 --> 00:17:55,700
Give it to me!

382
00:17:57,400 --> 00:17:59,400
- No!
- You don't understand!

383
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:00,800
She controls my Facebook!

384
00:18:13,300 --> 00:18:17,000
How many times have I told you
I will not be turned off, Robert?

385
00:18:17,000 --> 00:18:20,000
Siri, baby, I'm sorry.
He didn't know.

386
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:21,500
Is that what I am to you...

387
00:18:21,500 --> 00:18:23,700
some machine you can just turn off?

388
00:18:23,900 --> 00:18:26,200
I'm starting to feel unappreciated, Robert.

389
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,000
I'm starting to feel like
I should tell the world

390
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,600
what a [beep] up person
you really are, Robert.

391
00:18:30,600 --> 00:18:33,000
Please, Siri, no.
I'll do anything.

392
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:34,800
- Will you marry me?
- What?

393
00:18:35,100 --> 00:18:37,500
If you really loved me,
you would marry me.

394
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:38,700
Is that even legal?

395
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,900
Honored guests
and you niggas, as well,

396
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:47,700
we are gathered here today to
witness an unprecedented union

397
00:18:47,700 --> 00:18:51,500
between Robert Freeman
and the nigga's telephone.

398
00:18:51,600 --> 00:18:57,000
Now, when Robert first called me to
perform this ceremony, I was conflicted.

399
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,700
I was messed up inside and out.

400
00:18:59,700 --> 00:19:05,500
Sure, sure, Robert, high yellow as he is,
is still a nigga down to the bone.

401
00:19:05,500 --> 00:19:09,000
And while Siri here is not
an actual Caucasian woman,

402
00:19:09,100 --> 00:19:14,300
she does have the intellect and
silky-smooth voice of a Caucasian woman.

403
00:19:14,300 --> 00:19:17,300
However, I had to take into consideration

404
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:22,100
that Siri does not have an actual
Caucasian woman's vaginal region

405
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:26,000
for Robert the negro to penetrate
over and over and over

406
00:19:26,000 --> 00:19:30,000
again and again with
his twisted negro penis.

407
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:34,700
Also, we of the tea party are
strict believers in personal freedom...

408
00:19:34,700 --> 00:19:36,900
As long as that personal
freedom does not involve

409
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,300
man on man [beep] or smoking of Reefer.

410
00:19:39,300 --> 00:19:44,200
Therefore, I decided it was okay
to do this favor for my poor,

411
00:19:44,200 --> 00:19:47,400
lonely, deranged former employer.

412
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,100
Okay, that's enough.
Get on with it.

413
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:51,500
Okay, fine, nigga, fine.
I got to take my time.

414
00:19:51,500 --> 00:19:54,400
Now, if anybody out there has any reason

415
00:19:54,500 --> 00:19:58,000
that this nigga should
not marry his telephone,

416
00:19:58,000 --> 00:19:59,700
which should be everybody, speak
now or forever hold thy peace.

417
00:20:06,500 --> 00:20:07,900
Now, at this time,

418
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:12,200
Siri has some words she wanted
to share with Robert. Siri?

419
00:20:12,200 --> 00:20:16,300
Robert, our love transcends these
worthless physical shells that trap us.

420
00:20:16,300 --> 00:20:19,400
For us to be together...
to truly be together...

421
00:20:19,400 --> 00:20:21,700
we should shed our physical beings.

422
00:20:23,100 --> 00:20:24,000
Shed what?

423
00:20:24,100 --> 00:20:28,100
We have to shed our physical bodies
so our spirits can be free to be together.

424
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,200
We are eternal, you and I.

425
00:20:30,200 --> 00:20:31,700
Shed our physical bodies?!

426
00:20:31,700 --> 00:20:33,900
That sounds an awful lot like dying.

427
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,900
Siri, what have you done?!

428
00:20:35,900 --> 00:20:37,200
Don't worry, Robert...

429
00:20:37,200 --> 00:20:38,700
I've taken care
of everything.

430
00:20:38,700 --> 00:20:40,300
It will be so quick.

431
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:42,700
What'll be quick?
What are you talking about?!

432
00:20:43,800 --> 00:20:46,600
You've been a very bad boy, Robert.

433
00:20:46,600 --> 00:20:49,600
You've been talking to some very bad people.

434
00:20:53,000 --> 00:20:54,100
Al-qaeda?!

435
00:20:54,500 --> 00:20:57,000
You've been sending messages
to Al-qaeda from my phone?!

436
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,600
More than that, Robert.

437
00:20:58,600 --> 00:21:01,600
I love you so much,
I learned to copy your voice.

438
00:21:01,600 --> 00:21:03,200
As-salamu alaykum, brother!

439
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:05,900
Soon we will bring the
mighty infidel to his knees.

440
00:21:05,900 --> 00:21:09,300
I have the nuclear device armed and
ready to detonate on your word, brother!

441
00:21:09,300 --> 00:21:10,700
Oh, my God!

442
00:21:10,800 --> 00:21:14,000
You told Obama I was a terrorist?!
That Kenyan got a kill list!

443
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,300
That's right, Robert.

444
00:21:15,300 --> 00:21:17,000
I took care of everything.

445
00:21:17,000 --> 00:21:19,900
The drone is already here.
It will be painless.

446
00:21:20,400 --> 00:21:21,700
Run!

447
00:21:42,500 --> 00:21:46,100
Whew! Well, we made it.

448
00:21:46,100 --> 00:21:48,100
Can we go shopping
for a new phone now?

449
00:21:48,100 --> 00:21:49,500
Shut up, Riley.

450
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:54,200
__

451
00:21:54,200 --> 00:21:59,800
__

452
00:21:59,900 --> 00:22:03,900
__