♪ I am the stone The builder refused ♪
♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪
♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪
♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪
♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪
♪ So that you can know Left from right ♪
♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪
♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
♪ The story that just begun ♪
♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪
♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪
♪ Till the war is won Won ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
[CRASHING]
HUEY: The sectarian conflict
between myself and my brother Riley
was heading into its eighth year with no signs of slowing.
[HUMMING]
[♪♪♪]
[THUDDING, SMASHING]
[HUMMING]
[GLASS SMASHING, CRASHING]
[HUMMING]
HUEY: Come back here, Riley.
Huh?
[GRANDDAD SCREAMING]
I'm tired of you two punksters.
All you do is fight, eat and fuck up my house.
You think I wanna deal with this shit at the end of my life?
You know what I'm gonna do?
Fill the bathtub with water
and drown both your little asses.
Now, move the hell out of my way.
Still got soap in my ass.
I'm telling you, Tom, they drive women away.
I used to have an exciting life.
Have fun, travel.
Oh, drink fine wines. But not anymore.
I can't even go to dinner. I can't even go to a damn movie.
I come back, my house look like Baghdad.
I told you before, you ought to drive them out
to the middle of nowhere,
leave 'em for dead and then hope for the very worst.
Sounds to me like you need a vacation.
Shit, who you telling? I need to get my black ass away.
Some place far away and exotic.
Absolutely. Splurge. It's like the rappers say:
do it big.
"Do it big," huh? I like that.
I could go on a "do it big" trip.
Ha-ha. Yeah. Now you're talking. Yes.
[LAUGHING]
It might be time to bring Mr. Bitches back out
to show them young boys how the real players play.
[LAUGHING]
Yeah.
Oh, yeah, look out.
Mr. Bitches is back on the scene. Ha, ha, ha.
High-five me. No? Okay.
Yeah, you know what? You should go to Latin America.
You know, someplace like Costa Rica.
Oh, I can see it now.
Mr. Bitches hitting the clubs all night long.
Get a table in VIP, pop a little Cristal.
Call the girls, "Hey, babies--"
TOM: W-w-wait a minute, Robert.
Ha-ha. I don't think you're supposed to drink Cristal.
Says who?
Says Jay-Z. It's a boycott.
The owner said something racial. I don't know.
Oh, hold on, I know what he said.
He said, and I quote:
"I don't want no big nigger lips drinking my fine wine,"
and I applaud him for putting conviction over profit.
Well, I don't know if that's what he said,
but you're not supposed to drink it.
But I wanna drink Cris.
Poor white man.
He can't have nothing nice for himself no more.
Polo? Niggers got to that.
Timberland? Niggers got to that too.
Mercedes, Versace, white women. Niggers, niggers, niggers.
Hey, Robert, if you want beef with the Roc, that's on you.
Hope the Jigga Man ain't there.
Like I give a damn.
Shoot, I drink what I wanna drink.
Besides, I packs the heat.
I wish a nigger would try to tell me what to drink.
Once you pop the Cris,
that's when the pretty señoritas come running
because they know there's a rich American in the room.
TOM: Yeah! I bet our dollar is worth 20 of theirs.
GRANDDAD: Shoot, all you gotta do is flash a little change.
Ballin'!
GRANDDAD: And it's on.
[TOM AND GRANDDAD LAUGHING]
TOM: Yeah, you know what? I think I might join you.
[TOM SCATTING POORLY]
Uh, damn, Tom, are you sure you wanna come?
I mean, you married.
Are you even allowed to do it big?
Ha! Oh, listen to this:
"Am I allowed"?
Sure, as long as I stay within the agreed parameters.
Ha, ha. Hey, I'm not dead, you know.
I still do the darn thing from time to time.
You and me baby, doing it big. It'll be great.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
Yeah, I guess so.
Pictures? Yes, I'll take a dozen 8-by-10.
Yes. Jay-Z. Yes. Cousin of mine.
Heh-heh. First cousin. More Cristal?
You are so exotic and beautiful.
Mm. Black sexual chocolate man.
TOM: Waiter, another Malibu and pineapple, please.
Thank you. Ha, ha, ha.
So then my dream got really weird,
'cause I was a mummy in a Japanese girl pop band.
I had a skirt on and everything. Do you know what that means?
I am so bored. I wanna go home.
Well, we wanna go have a nasty threesome with Mr. Bitches,
but if you guys wanna leave...
Huh? No! No, please wait. No.
See you.
GRANDDAD: Wait a minute!
[♪♪♪]
[SHOUTING] Told you so!
TOM: So, what do you say?
Should I call my travel agent or what, huh?
Uh... Yeah. Let me, uh, check my schedule.
HUEY: In the past, Granddad has had complications with babysitters.
Oh, my God. What should we do? Games, hula-hooping, Hot Wheels?
I know. We should make s'mores. Tell stories? Hide-and-go-seek?
Can we play cops-and-robbers?
I wouldn't.
Cops-and-robbers? Sounds like fun.
[SCREAMING]
Bitch, this all you got?
Three dollars and a prepaid cell phone
with fucking two minutes on it?
HUEY: That landed us on DontSitEm.com.
No teenager in the world would babysit us now.
Granddad was forced to hire
one of those no-nonsense British super nannies.
Which actually worked out,
except Granddad set up a nanny cam.
GRANDDAD: This is when you used my telephone.
Who the hell you got to talk to?
You left the lights on in the kitchen.
I don't see nobody there. Do you?
Sitting up here, watching television,
all the lights on.
Using up all of my electricity, eating a sandwich.
I'd like a sandwich myself. All my bologna is gone.
What's wrong with you, woman?
HUEY: After that, Granddad had to be more creative.
Excuse me, uh, my name is Positive Brother Hakeem
from Positive Big Black Brothers and Sisters of America.
And I understand you have two misguided young brothers
who need some positivity.
Yep, bedtime's at 9. Have fun.
Local calls only on my phone, thank you.
[♪♪♪]
[HUMMING]
[MUFFLED MURMURING]
[GASPS]
[WHIMPERING]
[SIGHS]
HUEY: Costa Rica for two weeks?
How are we supposed to survive for two weeks?
Man, what we gonna eat?
Oh, now you worried about how you're gonna
make it without your Granddaddy.
Y'all should of thought about that when y'all fucking up.
It's too late now. I may never come back.
[CELL PHONE RINGING]
Shoot, it's Tom.
Y'all can't tell him I left.
Why not?
He wanna go to that "do it big" trip too,
but I can't roll with a square like Tom,
so I'm gonna go and pretend I didn't go,
and take that lie with me to the grave.
So don't tell him. Say I went to the store.
You went to the store for two weeks?
Yes, and don't you go snitching.
Well, it's harder to talk if my mouth is full.
All right, fine.
I left food money in the cabinet above the oven.
That's all you gonna get. So make it last.
Hey there, Robert,
I'd offer to help you, but you're a coon.
What's he doing here?
He's your sitter.
Granddad, me and Riley don't need no babysitter.
We can take care of ourselves.
Yeah, not like we gonna try to kill each other.
Shut up. Do what Ruckus says and don't mess up my house.
He don't even like black people.
Man, this punk fool right here.
Okay, first of all, ain't nobody talking
while I'm talking, so shut the fuck up.
My name is Uncle Ruckus, and I will be nigger-sitting
you two until your grandfather returns.
Your granddaddy picked me
because I am a licensed zoologist.
I have studied a variety of wild animals,
and the African male is by far the most savagely cunning.
This is an opportunity to observe you niggers
in your natural habitat and collect data.
But be warned, whatever nigger trickery
you got up your sleeves does not effect me.
WOMAN [OVER PA]: Please do not look Muslim at the airport.
Hijacking is against the law.
Damn, I hate airports.
This is all for show.
Shoot, I bet you I could sneak a midget on the plane
with a stick of dynamite up his ass.
Do not say "bomb" at the airport.
Oh, hurry up. I'm trying to do it big.
Damn.
Boarding pass and ID.
Due to a heightened level of security,
no colored liquid or people are allowed to board a plane.
Please do not bring AK-47s onto the plane.
Boarding pass and ID.
I've already showed it to her.
Sir, I need to see your boarding pass and ID.
But I just showed it to her.
I need to see it as well, sir.
But I just showed it to her, then I walked straight to you.
Sir, I don't have time for this.
It's 'bout time for my break and you are stepping on my time.
You don't have time? Shit.
I'm the one with a plane to catch.
I don't wanna show my ID again.
The only thing I did was put my boarding pass and ID away
which is why I don't wanna get it out again.
Doesn't that makes sense?
I didn't become a different person in the last five feet!
Mm-hm. We got a problem here. Requesting backup.
Okay. Okay, fine. Damn.
I hate damn airports!
Boarding pass and ID.
[SCREAMS]
The first time you break the rules,
you get the cattle prod.
The second, you get the electric dog collar.
The third time, I'm calling up the lynching mob.
Yeah. Yeah.
Player, player. Get to the clubs.
Get the little pretty girls.
Let them all kiss all over me, and...
[SNORING]
[♪♪♪]
[COCKS]
What the--?
[BB SHOTS]
RUCKUS: Ow!
My ball sack, my ball sack! Ah!
Somebody help! Ah!
Somebody, anybody,
save me from these African hooligans!
Oh, oh.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, please, Jesus. Oh, Lord. Wha--?
[BB SHOTS, RUCKUS SCREAMING]
Oh, Lord! Why has thou forsaken me?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah-heh-heh-heh-heh.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Haters say, "ha" ♪
♪ Haters say, "what?" ♪
♪ 'Cause if you hate on me... ♪
This place is nasty, clean it up.
You ain't the boss of me, nigga.
Hey. While Granddad's gone, I'm in charge.
Why do you get to be in charge?
Why can't we take turns?
'Cause I'm the oldest.
Yeah? Well, you're also the gayest.
So I think I should be in charge.
[DOORBELL DINGS]
Man, clean it up now.
You clean it up, bitch.
Hey there, Huey, is your grandfather in?
I need to talk to him. We're planning a trip.
He had to run out and get some things, Mr. DuBois.
He say when he's gonna be back?
Try his cell, Mr. DuBois.
Oh, okay.
Well, heh-heh-heh, it's just that--
Well, his, um--
[CLEARS THROAT]
His car is right there, and, um...
It won't start. He took a cab, Mr. DuBois.
Oh.
Okay.
Riley. Riley, I'm going to the store.
Figure out what you wanna eat.
The money.
What up?
[♪♪♪]
What the--?
Now, before you start hating,
ask yourself-- Be honest.
--ain't I clean now?
Man, how we gonna eat?
I don't know, nigga, you in charge.
HUEY: Take it off.
Hey, raise up off my gear.
[♪♪♪]
RILEY: I'm saying, you ain't have to ruin my shirt like that.
I can't even pop my collar no more.
I gotta figure out what we're gonna eat.
Can't you just be happy to see another nigger fitted up,
looking dipped in butter, shining and glistening?
We're gonna run out of food in a few days.
You supposed to be in charge. You supposed to be the leader.
Lead us to some breakfast then, nigger. Nigger-- What?
What, you want some, nigger? Huh?
All right, come on, nigger. Let's go. I been waiting.
No. I'm not gonna fight you. I'm grounding you.
Ground me? What is this, Family Ties?
Nigger, you can't ground me.
I just did. Don't leave the house.
This nigger must have lost it.
I wanna know what this nigger been smoking. Shoot.
Talking about I'm grounded.
I'm Young Reezy. I goes where I wanna go.
[♪♪♪]
You're grounded.
You better have eyes in the back of your head, nigga.
[♪♪♪]
Huey, where my guns?
I confiscated them for security.
I have supreme authority over the house
until Granddad comes back.
You have supreme authority over these nuts. I'm leaving.
You wanna stop me, you gonna have to shoot me--
[YELPS]
Cristal costs how much?
Oh, no, no. You got any Thunderbird?
I'll take Thunderbird.
Oh, excuse you, little lady.
Hey! That's my suit you just-- Went in my personal space.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Hey there, Huey. Just me again. Ha, ha.
Is, um, your Granddad around?
He's still at the store, Mr. DuBois.
Still?
Uh-huh? Oh, really?
Okay. I guess I'll just, um...
Yeah.
[CROWD CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
MAN: Man, I'm having the best time ever.
Look at all the Spanish women.
HUEY: Riley made several more attempts to leave the house.
Okay. All right, here we go.
[♪♪♪]
What? Hey, hey, hey. Quit playing, nigga.
Huey. Huey, quit playing. Quit it. Huey.
Eventually, he had to be forcibly restrained.
Hey.
[♪♪♪]
I had no idea how we were gonna last until Granddad came home.
Assuming he ever came back at all.
He's probably having the time of his life.
MAN: Oh, my God-- Oh, no. Don't take your top off.
[MAN CHEERING]
HUEY: We ran out of food and drink.
I was forced to start rationing what little we had left.
More and more,
I started to hate Riley for driving Granddad away.
MAN: Get outta here. Go next door-- Psych. Come on in.
Oh, it'll be great. The more the merrier.
HUEY: He was always watching.
Always waiting for me to make a mistake.
I rarely slept.
MAN: Man, more women?
[GIRLS GIGGLING]
[SCREAMING]
HUEY: I soon forgot which one of us was the prisoner.
[GRUNTING]
MAN: More bitches. Hey, call me Mr. Bitches.
[MAN LAUGHS]
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello?
Hey, boy.
Hey, Granddad. Uh, how's the trip?
You ready to come home?
Are you kidding? I'm having a great time.
Whoo! Heh-heh-heh.
Hey, little girl, stop tickling me.
I'm talking to my grandson.
Doing it big. So how's the house?
Great. We're fine, no problems.
Okay, guess there's no need of me
rushing home early or anything, huh?
Which is great for me, 'cause I'm doing it big.
So, what's new? What you mad at this week?
Hey, uh, Granddad, I gotta go.
MAN: Wait, what's Spanish for breasts?
[SIGHS]
[MAN LAUGHS]
[CRASHING]
[RILEY WHINING]
You going in the closet.
Let me go!
Hey! Hey, man, let me out of here.
Hey! I'm closet-phobic.
[GRUNTS]
[DOORBELL DINGING]
I know where he is.
I'm not stupid.
He went on the "do it big" trip without me.
He's off having the time of his life.
Granddad is running errands, Mr. DuBois.
Barring an unforeseen catastrophe,
he'll be home soon.
He better, 'cause I'm angry.
You ready to come out?
♪ Oh ♪
[♪♪♪]
The gun--
Say hello to the bad guy.
[RILEY CACKLES]
Damn you, Riley. You've ruined our family.
You drove Granddad away. Now he's never coming back.
Granddad left 'cause of you.
Nobody likes you, Huey,
'cause you a gay-ass, hater, faggy boy.
[RILEY CACKLES]
[BB SHOTS]
[YELLING, GRUNTING]
Okay, I'm reloaded!
[RILEY CACKLES]
How you like that, fool?
[YELLS]
♪ Hey ♪
Why does it always have to end up like this?
'Cause you's a bitch.
Don't do it.
♪ Hey ♪
[BOTH GRUNT]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]
[BRAKES SCREECH]
[SIGHS]
Thank you, Jesus.
Robert!
Why? What did I do? I'm fun!
Why does everyone think I'm not fun?
Why am I always the one getting ditched?
[SOBBING]
I don't know why I'm not cool.
Tom, you think I went all the way to Costa Rica
and back in two days?
Then w-where were you?
None of your damn business.
We'll do the "do it big" trip some other time.
Oh, okay. Ahem. Cool.
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, by the way, Robert, I, um--
I left some, um, joke voicemails
that you can just, um-- Heh.
--go ahead and delete. Ha, ha.
[BOTH GROANING]
Boys!
Granddad!
Granddad.
Heh-heh-heh, hey! Give me a hug.
You came home.
You home early.
'Cause I figured y'all was destroying my house. Hm.
Doesn't look too bad.
[DOOR SHUTS]
How was Costa Rica?
Did you do it big?
[CHUCKLES]
Shoot, you betcha. Mr. Bitches is back in effect.
Heh-heh. Uh, you-- You should have seen it.
Phew.
They couldn't handle it.
It sure is good to be home, though.
Let's clean this up.
All right.
GRANDDAD [ON MACHINE]: You've reached Robert--
WOMAN: Please enter your password.
You have 22 unheard messages. First message:
RUCKUS: Robert. Them little niggers are evil. It was terrible.
Oh, all the things that they done--
WOMAN: Deleted.
TOM: Hey, Robert. This is Tom.
Found out some great stuff about Costa Rica. Ha, ha.
Call me back.
WOMAN: Deleted.
TOM: Robert, it's Big Tom. Holler back!
Heh-heh-heh. Time to--
WOMAN: Deleted.
TOM: Hey, Robert--
WOMAN: Deleted.
TOM: What the hell, Robert? Did you go without me?
You went without me. I know you went. You did.
You did not go without me--
WOMAN: Deleted.
TOM: That's real nice, Robert. That's real fucking--
WOMAN: Deleted.
[♪♪♪]