HUEY: For most of my Granddad's romantic life,
the Internet hadn't been invented yet.
So he was still discovering the dangers of online dating.
Oh!
Ooh, Lord.
Damn!
[SIGHS]
[SLURPS]
[SMACKS LIPS]
[FORK BANGS PLATE]
[CHOMPING]
[SLURPING, BANGING PLATE]
You know what? I've had it.
This sucks.
What's wrong with you?
You know what's wrong with me.
When was this picture taken? 1964?
You say I don't look like my picture?
I'm saying you probably never looked like this damn picture.
This ain't you!
So is that all you care about is looks?
Yes!
Well, excuse me for thinking you liked me
for who I was on the inside.
Well, you're a liar on the inside.
This whole relationship is based on a lie.
A ugly lie!
Why in the hell this keep happening to me?
God, what did I do to deserve this?
This is payback for what? What did I do to you? Tell me.
Maybe I should leave.
Nigga, you ain't no Denzel.
Hell, you ain't even no Flavor Flav.
Time after time after time.
There ought to be a law.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Lock 'em up. Charge them with fraud.
I'd be snitching on ugly women all day.
I say give them the chair. Electrocute their ugly asses.
I'll pull that switch quick.
♪ I am the stone The builder refused ♪
♪ I am the visual The inspiration ♪
♪ That made lady Sing the blues ♪
♪ I'm the spark That makes your idea bright ♪
♪ The same spark That lights the dark ♪
♪ So that you can know Left from right ♪
♪ I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun ♪
♪ The inner glow That lets you know ♪
♪ To call your brother sun ♪
♪ The story that just begun ♪
♪ The promise Of what's to come ♪
♪ And I'm 'a remain a soldier ♪
♪ Till the war is won Won ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop Judo flip ♪
♪ Chop, chop, chop ♪
[REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING, INDISTINCT LYRICS]
GRANDDAD: Uh, ah, ooh, ooh.
Oh. Mm-hm.
[HUMS, GRUNTS]
Hey. Oh, ee-- Ee--
Uh-- Ah-- Ooh-- Yeah. Yeah. Yeah!
♪ Deep down On a roll, on go, eh... ♪
Yeah. Yeah, boy!
She's fine, ain't she?
And you're sure this is what she looks like?
Oh, yeah. Your granddaddy ain't falling
for the okey-doke this time.
Now I got the video chat.
I think it's a setup. It don't make no sense.
Why would she like you?
'Cause your granddaddy gives sweet love.
And what do you know about this woman?
Well...her name is Luna.
She's a Virgo.
Her hobbies include pets, traveling, kickbox--
And stealing from desperate old men.
Watch when you go to sleep.
I bet she have a gang of niggas up in here to rob us.
That ain't a good look, Granddad.
Not a good look?
Is that some kind of new slang?
Is that what's hot in the street, huh?
Is that what you call really 'hood?
Why don't you give her a chance? You ain't even met her yet.
Neither have you. I don't know, Granddad.
A whole weekend with a complete stranger?
It's a five-hour drive.
Either she was gonna stay here,
or I pay for her hotel room.
Shoot. Bad enough I gotta buy all this damn champagne
and new sheets. I ain't Jay-Z.
Shoot. I ain't ballin' like a rock star.
[♪♪♪]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[INHALES]
[EXHALES]
Well, sir. Goodness.
Robert. Oh, my God.
It's so good to finally meet you.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Just like the picture, right?
My sweet Luna.
Come on in, cutie pie.
You look just like your picture too.
Except you're wearing clothes.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[BOTH SIGH LOUDLY]
Hey guys. I'm Luna.
I hope you don't mind me hanging out for the weekend.
I'll try and stay out of your way, okay?
Come here. Let me show you where to put your things.
We don't keep cash in the house.
[CHUCKLES]
Uh, come on. You want a drink?
A-- A soda?
That's a big bitch.
GRANDDAD: A massage? A bath?
A piece of chicken? Anything.
[BOTH CACKLING]
LUNA: Oh, you're killing me.
Oh. That Larry David is something else. Whoo!
So...
you never told me what kind of dogs you have.
I have one Dalmatian, two retrievers.
Mm-hm. That's nice.
Oh, and 15 wolves.
BOTH: Wolves?
You mean, like, wolf wolves?
Yeah. For some reason, wolves really like me.
I was raised around wolves.
They get a bad rap, but really,
if you aren't afraid to establish dominance,
there's nothing wrong with wolves.
That's, uh...
[CHUCKLES]
Uh, fascinating.
Uh, so, um...
how long you been kickboxing?
Well, I do a lot of martial arts.
Not exactly kickboxing, but it's kind of similar.
It's called White Lotus kung fu.
[♪♪♪]
White Lotus?
That's the deadliest style there is.
Yeah, and it's great exercise.
You never mentioned, uh,
that you were a kung fu master.
This crazy ex-boyfriend I had one time,
he was a Shaolin monk. I learned it from him.
Then I ended up having to use it on him,
if you know what I mean.
[LAUGHS]
Well, Huey is very interested in martial arts,
and, uh, I do a little Tae Bo myself.
[GASPS]
Have you heard of the Kumite?
Did you say Kumite?
Uh-huh. The Kumite.
What's a Kumite?
It's a mythical, invitation-only martial arts tournament
with the deadliest fighters in the world.
So you like Jean-Claude Van Damme. Damn.
But I didn't think the Kumite really existed.
Oh, no. The Kumite is real.
[DEEP VOICE] It's really real.
[♪♪♪]
LUNA: The Kumite is usually held
on some faraway mysterious island.
So it's a nice getaway.
Kind of like one of them
all-inclusive vacation packages.
They cover room and food. Everything.
Except for incidentals, of course.
It's nice, you know?
You get to catch up with old friends,
see some really good matches, get a tan.
Good times.
[GRUNTS]
Good times.
The Kumite is supposed to be
a death match, right?
You ever killed anybody?
Hey. Everybody has to die sometime. Hm.
[GRUNTS, SCREAMS]
Oh-ho. Gotta hurt.
Finish him.
[SCREAMS]
Ooh. Ooh.
[ALL CHEER]
MASTER: Luna wins.
I mean, I'm like, "You kill one man,
you kill a dozen." It's all the same.
I mean, they can only hang you once, right?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, am I right or am I right?
[LAUGHS]
Come on, now, you're leaving me hanging.
ALL: We gotta go to the bathroom.
Oh...
Move it, move it, hurry. Get on.
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
Hurry up.
Thanks for inviting a killer
kung-fu wolf bitch to the crib.
You think I knew she was a killer kung-fu wolf bitch?
She ain't say nothing about no damn
Kupate, Kumatoo, Kumite,
coon, black coon. Now, just hush.
I'm trying to figure out what we're gonna do.
Huey, what are we gonna do?
You gonna tell her to get out.
I'm not telling her to leave.
She hit me with one of them exploding nutsack techniques.
Oh, come on, Granddad.
She's not a kung fu master. She's crazy.
Shit. Then you go kick her ass out.
But this is your responsibility.
Hey. I'm willing to stay in the bathroom all night.
Where you going?
You two just...stay here.
Okay. I gotta use the bathroom anyway.
RILEY: Oh, come on, Granddad. Hold it.
GRANDDAD: I'm old, boy. I can't hold it.
You must be crazy. You gotta let your thing go.
[ZIPPER UNZIPS]
RILEY: Put your pants up.
GRANDDAD: I ain't letting my stuff sit in my body.
WOMAN: So where's he at now?
I don't know. Suddenly they all went to the bathroom.
Do you think that's weird?
Let me call you back.
Hey. How's Robert? Is everything okay?
Sure. He's just having some difficulties in the bathroom.
So...that's pretty impressive,
being a White Lotus master.
Thank you. It was really hard.
It's just...I had heard
there were no White Lotus masters left alive.
Mm. Hm!
Maybe you would like a demonstration?
What about a...
friendly sparring match?
Oh.
That sounds perfect.
[♪♪♪]
[BATTLE CRIES]
[GROANS]
Ew.
[GASPS]
Let's...
get out while we can.
[GROANS]
[BOTH GASP]
I can't believe I let that big old woman
come into my house and try to destroy my place.
You have to relax, Granddad.
How am I supposed to relax?
The woman is a trained killer.
Know the story of Brenda Richie?
Lionel Richie's wife?
No-ho-ho-ho. Lionel Richie's ex-wife.
It was 1988,
and Brenda Richie had just caught Lionel in bed
with his future ex-white-wife, Diana Alexander.
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
Huh? Huh? What the fuck?
Oh, I was hoping I would catch you up in here
with that white bitch.
LIONEL: Don't--
Hyah!
Ow!
[GRUNTING]
[SOUL MUSIC PLAYING]
[SCREAMS]
GRANDDAD: Oh, you should have seen this ass whipping.
It was terrible.
[SCREAMS]
Oh, the humanity. Upside his head.
Upside his nose.
All whipping his ass.
Hyah!
♪ Whoo, hoo ♪
GRANDDAD: Oh, it was terrible. Terrible.
[PANTING]
How could you know that? Were you there?
Brenda Richie knew kung fu.
Jet magazine said she used to fight in the Kumite.
No. I haven't seen him since dinner.
I think he was in the bathroom all night.
WOMAN: That's fine, girl.
You don't need to give him no ass yet anyway.
I say make a man wait until he's resentful.
That always works.
Oh, I don't know.
Think it's gonna be weird now that I beat up his grandson?
I'm so stupid. Why did I do that?!
Okay. Let's hear the story one more time.
Okay, let me get this right, now.
My cousin, Elliot, in California
passed away very suddenly while working out.
And-- And, uh, they think it's a heart attack.
Uh, they're not sure. We weren't very close.
Yeah, let's say that. We weren't very close.
But I need to fly out immediately
to support my family members.
Uh, yeah.
Good.
If that don't work,
we gonna have to shoot that bitch.
Sure she gonna believe that?
Granddad, the story's fine.
Under no circumstances do you change that story.
Got it?
Fidel Castro?
Oh, yeah. Me and Fidel go way back.
I used to call him Fee-Diddy.
Heh-heh-heh. But you know what I forgot?
Today is Fidel Castro's birthday.
And I'm in charge of the birthday party.
So I gotta fly out there.
But I forgot-- Stupid me. I forgot to buy some balloons.
So Jay-Z is gonna loan me some, then fly me to Cuba
for Fidel Castro's birthday party that I'm planning,
like I said earlier. Eh-heh. Yeah.
Wow.
I thought you were gonna tell me you thought I was crazy,
and you didn't want to see me again, like the others.
No, girl. That's not at all what I was gonna say.
I'm enjoying this time with you. Are you kidding?
I'm not blowing you off. Oh, no way.
In fact, I was just telling Huey
I would love to pursue a romantic relationship you.
Definitely. I'll call you
as soon as I get back... from Cuba.
And Fidel.
Aw.
You are such a cutie.
ALL: Bye.
GRANDDAD: Don't come back too soon. Maybe about 30 years.
To no more weekend visits by crazy Internet women.
I really thought you blew it there
with the Fidel Castro story.
[LAUGHS]
When he wanna be,
your granddaddy is a master of deception.
WOMAN [ON PHONE]: Fidel Castro's birthday? That shit don't sound right.
You think he was lying?
All I know is you drove all them hours
to spend time with him,
and he gonna send you home early?
I don't give a fuck if it was Jesus' birthday.
He said he'd invite me back soon.
Soon? Pfft! When is soon?
Remember when Kenny said soon? Remember when Jamal said soon?
Did any of them niggas call you back?
You're right.
And just so you know,
I Googled Fidel Castro's birthday.
It isn't until August 13th.
[TIRES SQUEAL]
He lied to me.
Mm-hm. You see, girl?
That's why I'm by myself.
Love the vibrator.
You better not get rid of it.
RUCKUS: First of all, if a woman
is over 35 years old and she ain't married,
then she must be nutty as squirrel shit.
But everything else was so right.
And by everything else, I mean her looks. She was fine.
She couldn't look that good. She was black.
But I guess if you put lipstick and a wig on a monkey,
it could look good too.
[RUCKUS CHUCKLES]
A monkey in lipstick and a wig.
LUNA: I found him.
He's in a park with another man.
WOMAN: Ooh, see. What did I tell you?
See? That's exactly why I don't have a man.
Because all these niggas is gay.
No. They're just playing checkers.
Ooh. What, girl? How his friend look?
Black women just crazy.
It's all that stuff they do to their hair.
Straighteners and relaxers and activators and tight braids.
Still look like a ape with a pretty head of hair.
I don't think his friend likes the sisters too much.
WOMAN: Ha! Heh. Oh-- Oh! Isn't that a surprise?
That's exactly why I don't have a man now.
Shh.
Well, I was really hoping
it would work out with this one.
[CRYING] Me too, baby.
Oh, well. At least I got that crazy bitch out of my house.
[GRANDDAD LAUGHS]
WOMAN: Ooh, what happened, girl? What did he say?
He told his friend I'm crazy.
He said, "Luna was crazy."
Mm...
You know what you should do?
Kidnap and torture his ass. How about that?
He going around calling people crazy?
Oh, we gonna show that nigga just who crazy.
Granddad.
Granddad, you home?
Hey. Where's Granddad?
He's not here.
I'll call his cell.
His phone's dead.
[DRILL WHIRS]
[BOTH GRUNT]
Don't worry, boys.
I just want to have a friendly chat
with your grandfather about honesty.
HUEY: No. Luna.
I told you we should have shot that bitch.
♪ Oh, she's gone She's gone ♪
♪ She's gone Yes, she is ♪
♪ She's gone-- ♪
[GASPS, CHOKING]
[♪♪♪]
I'm tapping out.
Uh-- I'm-- I'm tapping...
Shh.
Just go to sleep.
[CLICK]
[SCREAMS]
[CRYING] Why did you lie to me, Robert?
You're just like the others.
Uh, what lie?
You know what lie.
Oh, you mean the Fidel Castro, Jay-Z birthday party lie?
Look, everybody lies.
I love it when people lie to me.
It means they care enough to spare my feelings.
I heard you tell your friend I was crazy.
Is that what you think?
You think I'm crazy?
Is that why you wanted me to leave?
Uh...
Do not lie to me!
[SCREAMS]
LUNA: Hello?
WOMAN: You got him, girl?
Yeah. I got him.
[WHIMPERING]
Now, remember, none of this was your fault.
This man took your weekend from you.
Two days you'll never get back.
You gotta kill him.
[♪♪♪]
[SCREAMS]
[HUEY GRUNTS]
[GRUNTING]
It's Tom.
Right on time.
Tom. Tom.
Hey, Tom.
[HUMMING]
LUNA: Either of you make a sound,
I will butt-rape your grandfather
with this broomstick.
GRANDDAD: Boys, don't make any noise. Shh.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Oh, hi. Ha-ha.
You must be Robert's weekend visitor, Luna.
I'm Tom. May I speak to Robert or the boys, please?
They're not in. I'll tell them you stopped by.
Can I, um, use the bathroom?
There something wrong with your bathroom?
Um, this might seem strange,
but, uh, heh, do you think maybe
I can come in and inspect the house?
Inspect the house.
Oh, jeez.
Well, ha, this is awkward, but, um, how do I do this? Okay.
Uh, it-- It's just that I got an e-mail from Huey this morning,
and it reads:
[CLEARS THROAT]
"Dear Tom, my granddad kicked a woman named Luna--"
That would be you, heh-heh.
"--out, and she may return and murder the whole family.
"Please check on us periodically this weekend.
"Best regards, Huey Freeman.
"PS: If she says we're not in, please ask to search the house.
We may be locked in our rooms."
Oh, me and Robert patched things up.
Yeah, I am so sure that's true.
It's just that he goes on to say:
"PPS: There's absolutely no chance
my granddad patched things up with this woman."
[CHUCKLES, SIGHS]
I see.
And blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
"PPPS: Uh, be careful, she's very danger--"
Whoa!
[LUNA SCREAMS]
[CHOKING]
[SCREAMS]
MASTER: Flawless victory.
Luna, this has gone far enough.
Leave Tom out of this.
But leave me out of this first. Let me go.
I was falling in love with you, Robert.
You're just like all the others.
What others? Who are these others?
HUEY: And so she told them the very,
very, very sad story of Luna.
LUNA: I was raised in a broken
and abusive household.
Bitch, this chicken is cold.
[SCREAMS]
When I turned 17, I ran away to Hong Kong,
where I met Triad boss Kenny Woo, my first love.
Bitch, this chicken is cold.
[SCREAMS]
After that, I had one terrible relationship after another.
I suffered every kind of abuse imaginable. Verbal.
I told you not to wash
my bloody ski mask with detergent
because it irritates my fucking eczema!
Spiritual.
Look at you.
Nobody wants you but me.
You ain't shit without me.
You without me equals shit.
You understand that, you ugly, fat bitch?
Now, let me borrow your car.
And there was that summer I dated Jim Brown--
Okay. Okay, we get it.
You had a lot of bad relationships.
Maybe you should go see a therapist.
This isn't my fault.
My friend Nicole says it's men like you, Robert,
who lie and avoid commitment.
If I could just find a man to love me.
[LONG, DIMINISHING SOBBING]
Damn it, Luna. Stop being a victim.
I lied to get you out of the house
'cause I was afraid you'd do something like this.
And look. I was right.
Don't take your past out on other people.
That's the first step to a lonely life.
And what was it about you
that made you keep dating those kind of men?
And you can't kidnap people just because they don't like you.
It's not a good look, Luna.
Oh, you're right.
I didn't even wanna kidnap you.
I was listening to my stupid girlfriend, Nicole.
Oh. I'm never gonna get married.
I might as well just blow myself up right now.
BOTH: No!
Wait. Luna,
you have another choice.
You a beautiful, talented woman.
And once you let go of the past,
you'll be able to have any man you want.
I don't know.
Are you sure I shouldn't just blow myself up?
BOTH: No!
Luna, it's like the great Tae Bo master
Billy Blanks always says: "Take control of your life.
Take responsibility."
Put the grenade away and go home.
[WHIMPERING] You're right.
I should take responsibility.
[BOTH SCREAM]
[♪♪♪]
NICOLE: You got him, girl?
No. Everything's okay, Nicole.
He told me I should take responsibility
and let go of the past.
So you do all of that,
he gonna marry you then?
Hm. You know what?
He didn't say.
Ooh, Luna. That means no.
Oh, my God, girl. I am so sorry.
You told this man your life story,
and he just dissed you like that?
If a man said that to me, oh, my God,
I don't think I could handle it.
I would just freaking die.
HUEY: And that was the day Ms. Luna decided
to take responsibility for her own actions.
She still there? Why ain't she leaving?
Maybe she's still talking to her friend.
Well, I hope her friend isn't giving her more bad--
[EXPLOSION]
ALL: Whoa!
HUEY: Um, okay. Then that was the day
Ms. Luna let her girlfriend
talk her into blowing herself up
instead of taking responsibility
for her own actions.
This weekend sucked.
And it was all your fault, Granddad.
Wasn't my fault.
It was that crazy-ass Luna's fault
for not taking responsibility.
God rest her poor soul.
NICOLE: Hello? Hello?
What was that noise?
Anyway, like I said, girl,
if a man ever said that to me, I'll kill myself.
I mean, you're a stronger woman than me. Hello?
Hello? A life without a man to take care of your ass
ain't worth living. So go back in there, girl,
and torture him until he proposes.
That's what you need to do.
[♪♪♪]