Synced by emmasan www.addic7ed.com
Huey: This is Woodcrest... an affluent, quiet, tree-lined suburb.
Here is where Robert Jebediah Freeman, war hero and civil-rights legend,
decided to spend his final days.
But things didn't quite work out as planned.
- Granddad: Boys! - Huey: We're right here, granddad.
Important family announcement.
We are leaving Woodcrest forever.
Our lives have been a complete disaster since we moved here.
- Riley: True that. True that. - Huey: Now, that's true, granddad.
Granddad: We were supposed to have safe, boring lives.
I was supposed to find some hot, financially desperate
or sexually frustrated mama and settle down.
But nothing worked out as planned.
It's just been one ridiculous, stupid, bizarre episode after another,
and it's all my fault for movin' us here.
I'm taking responsibility.
Well, I say it's about time!
I been sayin' this place sucks since we showed up.
Granddad: Well, I have learned my lesson.
We're leaving.
Huey: Wait a minute, granddad. What's goin' on?
Granddad: Whatever do you mean, grandson?
Huey: I mean, you never take responsibility or learn a lesson... Ever.
Granddad: Uh...
Huey: We're broke, aren't we, granddad?
Granddad: Ehhh...
Riley: Granddad broke? Psh. [Laughs] Huey, you crazy, boy.
Everybody know granddad got lots of paper.
Tell him, granddad.
Granddad: [Whimpers] [Sobs] [Sobbing] I'm sorry, boys.
Riley: Aw, no, granddad. You didn't!
Granddad: [Babbling]
Huey: Granddad, calm down. How bad is it?
- We have no money? - Granddad: Worse.
Riley: Worse? What's worse than no money?
- Huey: We're in debt. - Granddad: Mm-hmm.
Huey: How much?
Granddad: A couple... a couple...
Riley: Thousand?
- Granddad: Mnh-mnh. - Huey: Hundred thousand?
- Granddad: Million! - [Both gasp]
I refinanced with that damn adjustable-rate mortgage!
The dancing lady in that pop-up ad looked so friendly! [Whimpers]
How could I know it would shoot up to 21%? [Sobs]
Riley: Aw, granddad. Thanks for killin' our future.
Granddad: I'm sorry.
[Gasping] I'm so... So... So...
Riley: It's gonna be real embarrassing
being the only homeless kid at school, granddad.
Granddad: [Sobbing]
Damn, damn, damn!
["Good times" theme plays] ♪ Good times ♪
♪ Any time you meet a payment ♪
♪ Good times. Any time you need a friend ♪
♪ Good times. Any time you're out from under♪
♪ Not gettin' hassled ♪
♪ Not gettin' hustled ♪
♪ Keepin' your head above water ♪
♪ Makin' a way when you can ♪
♪ Temporary lay-offs ♪
♪ Good times. Easy credit rip-offs ♪
♪ Good times. Scratchin' and surviving ♪
♪ Good times. Hanging in a chow line ♪
- ♪ Good times ♪ - [Bicycle bell dings]
♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪
- ♪ Good times ♪ - Granddad: [Sobbing]
Granddad: God damn it, boy!
You really need all that damn orange juice?!
From now on, that's all the orange juice you get.
Riley: Come on, granddad.
I'ma still be thirsty after that.
Granddad: Then drink water.
Listen up. There gonna be some changes around here.
[Knock on door]
- There he is! - Mr. Freeman, look over here! [Camera shutters click]
Ruckus: Mornin', nigga.
Huey: It's worth mentioning that Uncle Ruckus is runnin' for mayor.
Why? A couple of years ago...
A new face in the Republican campaign race...
from seemingly out of nowhere, a Mr. Uncle Ruckus.
Financed by billionaire banking tycoons and Mr. Burns knock-off Ed Wuncler
and his economy-crushing son, Eddie Jr.
This Mr. Ruckus is not... I repeat, not...
an African-American,
but, rather, a Caucasian man suffering from a rare skin condition called revitiligo.
Liberals are, of course,
ridiculing this man's disease, which, I can assure you,
is completely real... unlike rape.
Huey: Yes, that's right.
Uncle Ruckus ran for president and basically almost won.
[Applause] His standout moment was during the first Republican primary debate.
Uncle Ruckus, give us your strongest critique of president Obama.
- One minute. - Ruckus: I don't need a minute.
He's a black sumbitch from the sweaty jungles of Kenya.
- I yield the rest of my time. [Chuckles] - [Cheers, applause]
He's got my vote.
Huey: Once national news, now public access,
Ruckus continues his service to the American people.
Ruckus: You see, fellow white Americans,
this is why I am runnin' for mayor.
Now, bein' back is bad...
ain't no question about that...
and being poor is bad,
but this nigga has the nerve to be both.
Pay your bills, deadbeat nigga.
Granddad: Ruckus, I don't have time for this.
What are you doin' here?
Ruckus: Question is, Robert, what are you doin' here...
Here in the white man's house that you cannot afford?
Oh, what, what, you thought you could pay your mortgage with food stamps, nigga?
Granddad: [Growls]
Look, you fat, one-eyed bastard! I don't need this today!
Ruckus: This is the thanks I get?
I was on my way to tape Jimmy Kimmel,
and I thought I would stop by and see how y'all niggas was doin'.
Hey, how that black-president thing work out for you?
Granddad: Ruckus, enough!
How do you know about my house payments, anyway?
You come by to rub it in?
Ruckus: No, sir, I did not.
I came by to tell you I quit!
Now that I'm an official Woodcrest mayoral candidate,
I will no longer work for y'all niggas, Mexicans, or swarthy persians.
- Granddad: Fine. Beat it. - [Gasps] Mr. Ruckus, are you all right?
Ruckus: Get off me, Robert! Get your nigga hands off me!
Oh, what a surprise... the nigga is resorting to violence.
Granddad: It'll be okay. Ed Wuncler and I are old buddies now.
He'll find a way to make it work, right?
I mean, last week was the first payment I missed,
so I figure that I have about, uh...
[Doorbell rings]
Riley: I hope that's that show that builds houses for poor people.
Robert [Bleep] Freeman.
It's me... Ed Wuncler Jr.
Granddad: Oh. Huh?
Yeah, we never met, but my father talks about you so much, I feel like I know you.
Dad turned over the property management to me.
Riley: Whoa. You're Ed the third's dad?
Granddad: Well, uh... It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Wuncler the second.
Call me Eddie. Can I come in?
Oh, my goodness. Look at this.
What a lovely home.
The couch is... Uh, beautiful, with the... The carpet.
Oh, I-I'm sorry. This is my assistant, Vanderbilt.
You do have a lovely home.
I used to have a lovely home.
Let's see what we have... mm-hmm? Hmm.
So, look. I don't want to waste your time.
You know why I'm here.
We're not exactly where I need to be with the house.
Granddad: Yeah, about that...
Look, I'm just here to get you the [Bleep] out.
Granddad: [Gasps]
[Laughs] [Laughing] Oh, you shoulda seen your face.
Robert, it's me. It's your nephew, Eddie.
I'd never kick you out of here.
[Mumbling] Pocket change.
Don't need that.
Hey, you check for hollowed-out spaces, eh?
[Mumbling] You remember those [Bleep] nuns was tryin' to hide the thorny crown in the wall?
[Bleep] Sisters right there.
Riley: Hey, man, why you stealin' our stuff?!
Granddad: Shut up. It's his stuff.
No, no, no, this is asset re-management here.
Granddad: Please, Mr. Eddie, help yourself.
It's your house. It's your living room.
It's your, uh...
Dead grandmother's ashes!
Okay, so, look. I added up your title insurance and your homeowner's policy,
and the new rate on your sub-prime,
non-prime, under-prime mortgage is $52,000.47.
You think you can get that to me in, let's say, um, a month?
Granddad: A month?! I can't come up with that kind of money in a month!
Well, not if you keep puttin' all that negative energy into the universe.
You got to think positive.
Say, "I will get Eddie's money in a month." Say it!
Watch. You'll feel better.
Granddad: I will get Eddie's money in a month.
- Agreed! - Granddad: Wait! No!
Got to run. It's all gonna be okay. I'll see you later.
[Door opens] Chop chop, Vanderbilt!
Nothing is going to be okay.
Listen to me. Fake your deaths. Do you hear me?
Fake... Your... Deaths.
[Door closes]
One month later
[Doorbell rings]
Granddad: [Groaning] Huh?
Robert [Bleep] Freeman. My nigger.
Can I say that? Yes, I can.
Granddad: Mr. Wuncler. Uh...
Sorry to interrupt you on a Sunday morning at 7:00 A.M.
I was just... Wondering if you, um, had that money.
Granddad: [Weakly] Well, um... Mon... money... W-w-we, uh...
You got my money, right?
Please, please, ple-e-ease tell me you have my money, Robert, ple-ease!
Granddad: Well... You see... Eddie?!
[Gasps]
Please!
Granddad: Yes, well, I'm workin' on it, but I don't have the money right now.
You don't have my money.
Granddad: Well, I don't have all of it.
How much you have?
Granddad: Riley! Bring the suitcase with the money!
You're [Bleep] with me, right? Seriously, where's my money?!
You don't have my money? I can't believe this!
God... Damn!
A'ight. Eddie. Think.
- Wait! I got it! - Granddad: What?
The house. We can make money off the house... together.
We rent out each of the rooms as a separate unit...
two bedrooms, guest room, living room and kitchen, attic...
how much is that, Vanderbilt?
More than you're getting now, sir.
What do you think?
Granddad: What do we think about... Having people move in here?
Genius, right?
Huey: Whoa. Wait.
Riley: Yeah, man, slow down.
I'm tellin' ya, it'll be great.
You guys will love it. It'll be like a commune.
Huey, you'll have plenty of people to talk to and share all your political ideas.
It'll be like occupy, but right here at home.
"Occupy my living room."
- Riley: Where do we live? - The garage!
It's damn near like a whole other house.
I'm tellin' you, y'all could HGTV that shit up.
Make this shit fly.
It's never too late to fake your own death.
- Granddad: [Groans] - [Indistinct conversations]
- Can I help you [Bleep] - Granddad: Hey!
Can I help you [Bleep]?
Granddad: Yes, uh, I'm the owner of the house.
You ain't the owner of the house.
Eddie Wuncler's the owner of this house [Bleep].
Granddad: Yes, well, I'm Robert Freeman, civil rights...
I know who you are [Bleep]
I know exactly who you are.
What the [Bleep] do you want?
Granddad: I was hoping to use the bathroom.
There's a bathroom downstairs [Bleep].
Granddad: Yes, but I would prefer to u...
I prefer you get the [Bleep] out my face, nigga!
Are we about to have a nigga moment?
Are we about to have a nigga moment?!
Granddad: No, please. I don't wanna have a nigga moment.
I just have to go to the bathroom.
- [Door closes] - [Sighs]
That's it! He rented my bathroom!
Oh, that's the whole house.
A man can't truly call himself a man
once a stranger's ass cheeks have been on his private toilet!
Riley: This all your fault, granddad.
You really turned our life into "good times."
Granddad: Our life is not "good times."
We still live in a nice neighborhood.
Riley: Yeah, for now.
Huey: You might have to get a job, granddad.
Granddad: Why do I have to get a job?
Why can't y'all get jobs?
Huey: Child labor laws, unsafe workplaces, really small hands.
Granddad: That's garbage!
Your generation is just lazy, that's all.
Plus, who's even hiring now?
Aw, come on. I thought you gave up work to run for mayor.
Ruckus: I didn't give up work. I gave up working for niggas,
and other colors, like Mexicans and sand people.
Now you better grab some suds and start waxing hoods.
Wax on, wax off, nigga!
Granddad: Damn! What's this thing, electric?
[Bird shrieks] [Groans]
Come on, man! Less sweat, more scrub!
Look, Lou Gossett Jr. is washing my car.
Stop trying to hide inside my trunk.
I don't know why they fired the sand people.
Granddad: [Groans] [Sighs]
[Sighs deeply]
Ruckus: Oh, look at that. Feel that, nigga? Feel that?
That feelin' is called "work."
That's what white folks been doin' they whole lives.
Granddad: Shut up, Ruckus. When do I get paid?
Ruckus: I don't know, nigga. You fired.
- Granddad: Fired? Why? - Ruckus: It wasn't me.
The car-wash brass is cuttin' back hours. Tough luck, nigga.
We'll call you when we need you.
Granddad: I got laid off at the car wash today.
Riley: Aw, man. What'd you do now?
Granddad: Nothing! It was a temporary lay-off.
- ♪ Good times ♪ - Granddad: Huh?
Riley: Huh?
Granddad: What the...?
Uncle Ruckus is back on the scene, ruffling small-town feathers with bold ideas.
Ruckus: Barack Hussein Obama thinks black people made this country great.
[Audience boos]
Now, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.
He almost right.
The white half of him right, because the white businessman,
that white entrepreneur who had the sense
to look at our big, black, African negro man
put that nigga in chains,
dragged his black ass all the way over here to America to do some productive work.
Now, that's what's made America great!
[Cheers and applause]
Thank you, fans. Thank you.
That, my friends, is how come we are losin' to the Chinese...
because the Chinaman uses slave labor, and we don't.
Apple computers don't need to be usin' no Chinese slave labor.
They should be usin' good old-fashioned blacky American slave labor!
[Cheers and applause]
Granddad: That's right. Came in the mail today.
A Gangstalicious card.
It's our key to financial independence.
Huey: You got the Gangstalicious card, granddad?
Granddad: That's right. The one on the commercial...
"Gangstalicious card. Get cash back.
You ain't got to sling that crack! Whaaat?"
I got all of 'em...
the Kardashian card, Lil Wayne card...
you see, boys? The key to smart finance is...
Huey: Did you read the fine print?
Granddad: Uh...
$1,500 in fees?! What the [Bleep] God damn it, Lil Wayne!
From now on, nobody listen to Lil Wayne or Gangstalicious in this house.
- Riley: You mean "garage." - Granddad: Whatever.
[Knock on door]
Look at this place. Yeah, it's so cozy, a-and I love how you arranged the beds.
It's a very... Economical use of space. I dig it.
Say, do you mind if we store, uh...
Something here for just a couple of days?
Granddad: Sure. Anything.
So, we just came by because the good news is,
we've rented all the rooms in your house.
Bad news is, we're still not really makin' a dent in your debt.
[Grunting]
I'll just put this in that nice, cool corner.
Granddad: Uh... Sure. Y-yeah.
So, y'all had any luck with the money?
Maybe... Million, at least? Something?
Granddad: Eddie, I'm sorry. We just don't have it. I'm on a fixed income.
- [Grunts] - Think, Eddie, think.
Vanderbilt? Find me a way to get Robert that money.
It's impossible, sir. Their credit is... Piss-poor, sir.
[Groans]
No! This man is a customer. He is a dear family friend.
He is a war hero... a civil-rights legend!
We must find a way to help him!
Well, there is one way.
Granddad: Huh?
At Wuncler banking, we do believe in offering quality banking services
to those with damaged credit.
Granddad: A loan! Yes! I'll take it!
Done!
Congratulations! I believe in you, Robert.
I believe in the Freeman family!
Freeman family! Freeman family!
You're more stupid than I thought.
- Granddad: That went well. - Huey: Did you check the interest rate?
- Granddad: 150% interest?! - Riley: What's that mean?
Y'all know I don't do math.
Granddad: It means now I'm another million in debt.
It was a rip-off, an easy-credit rip-off!
- ♪ Good times ♪ - Granddad: Huh?
[Sniffs] What is that?
Riley: [Sniffs]
- Granddad: [Sniffing] - Riley: [Retches]
Granddad: [Groans]
Well, at least we're not sangin' in a hurry!
Huey: Those aren't the lyrics, granddad.
Granddad: What is it, "drink a lot of Jew wine"?
- Huey: No. - Granddad: "Bangin' with a giant"?
Huey: It's "hangin' in the chow line," granddad.
♪ Good times ♪
Granddad: Well, boys, this is it... moving day.
[Sobs]
Riley: So, so unfortunate this is our male role model.
[Muffled] No, you listen to me, you broke, bald [Bleep].
I don't give a [Bleep] about your chemo.
You hear me? I don't give a [Bleep] about your chemo!
You get me my money or your [Bleep] dead! You're [Bleep] dead!!
You're [Bleep] dead!! Okay. See ya.
[Beeps]
[Metal clinks]
- Granddad: Ow, ow, ow! - Whoops.
Sorry, I was just cuttin' some, uh, meat earlier.
I can't believe it.
This place, this neighborhood, won't be the same without you guys.
Isn't there anyone who can help this man?
Ruckus: Yes, sir, Mr. kindly billionaire white man.
Uncle Ruckus can help you with that broke nigga.
Look, it's former presidential candidate and the next mayor of Woodcrest, Uncle Ruckus!
You get in there and you do the [Bleep] thing I'm talkin' about.
Ruckus: Yeah, the only thing they understand.
[Both mumbling indistinctly]
- Ruckus: [Laughs] - [Laughs]
Granddad: Slavery?!
I don't think about it as "slavery."
I think about it as investing in people.
I invest in you, you help me.
Huey: Help you do what?
Riley: Yeah, what we got to do in return? It better not be nothin' gay.
No. It just means you get to live in 100% of the house
100% of the time, and, in exchange...
Huey: You own us.
No, I just own 100% of yourtime until the debt is paid.
- That's fair, right? - Huey: No!
Sure, it is. For example, let's say I come by unannounced,
in the middle of the night, and I need you to lend a hand...
I don't know, washing my spaceship, or,
say, digging a six-foot hole in the ground.
You guys will help me, because that's what it's about...
people helping people. Simple.
- Granddad: I'll take it! - Huey: Granddad!
Granddad: You heard me. Takin' the deal.
- I want my house back. - Huey: It's slavery!
- It's literally slavery! - Granddad: Oh, we're too good to be slaves?
Your ancestors were slaves.
What they say on the Internet is true...
you've forgotten where you came from, Huey.
Huey: Granddad, you can't sell yourself into slavery.
Granddad: Who cares if he owns me?
How many years do I have left, anyway?
I've been free my whole life, and what has it gotten me?
$3 million in debt.
I'm tired of livin' in that garage with you two smelly niggas.
We gonna be broke, might as well get my house back.
I'll sign it.
Ruckus: [Laughs evilly]
This is a proud day... the day we bring slavery back to America.
Finally, worthless niggas like these
now have real value to this country,
thanks to the brilliance and generosity of the white man
and his well-run financial institution.
I just want to thank Uncle Ruckus for his leadership...
and, of course, to Robert Freeman for having the courage to sign his life away.
I almost forgot... I won the bet.
Granddad: Uh... What bet?
Oh, we made a bet that I couldn't get you guys to sign yourselves into slavery.
He didn't think I could do it. I won.
And I lost.
Here you go, boss. One dollar.
[Sniffs]
Thank you, Vanderbilt.
Riley: [Groans]
♪ Ain't we lucky we got 'em ♪
- Granddad: Why?! Why?! Why?! Nooooo!! - Riley: [Sobs]
♪ Good times ♪
Synced by emmasan www.addic7ed.com