: I am not a prophet.
But sometimes I have prophetic dreams.
Like the one where I was at a garden party.
Excuse me.
Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make.
Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil,
and the government is lyin' about 9/11.
Thank you for your time and good night.
No!
That can't be true!
: My grandfather,
: Here's something
black people have known
Robert Jebediah Freeman,
after a lifetime of odd adventures and strange mishaps,
for a couple of hundred years:
Niggas are crazy.
Black people don't like to talk about crazy niggas in public
decided to spend his last days
Unhand me!
in the warm embrace of suburbia.
'cause white people may be listening.
Hi-ya!
So he moved to his perfect house
But I'm afraid the secret might be out.
in his perfect neighborhood.
MAN: He's on fire!
: Former singer Whitney Houston
appeared in court
Somebody get some water.
But he was still searching for his perfect woman.
alongside husband Bobby Brown,
Ow!
who's facing battery charges
For what reason, I have no idea.
Mm-hm. You havin' that dream where you made
for allegedly beating his once-respectable wife.
the white people riot, weren't ya?
But I was tellin' the truth!
Hell to nah! Bobby don't hit me.
How many times have I told you, you better not even dream
See, we have this TV show, a-and it's-- It's our TV show.
BOY: I want candy!
about tellin' white folk the truth?
And I was tryin' to get more time on it.
Damn it, I hate you!
You understand me?
It's my show, bitch!
Shoot.
You're ruining my life, bitch! WOMAN: Please, Herbert,
Makin' white people riot.
remember our agreement. Candy! I want candy!
You know, I think they're on drugs.
You better learn how to lie like me.
Give me candy!
I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now.
Let's see what's on BET.
Give me candy! I want candy!
Oh, Lordy-Lord. Oh, shake it to the right.
Mm. Shake it, shake it, shake.
I want candy and marshmallows!
You boys cover your eyes. Shake, shake, shake.
Give it to me!
Got to leave something to the imagination.
Give it to me! Herbert-- Oh!
And I want pasta!
Hm, he sure looks like a handful.
That's just showin' too much booty. Turn it.
And on our "Talking Points" this evening,
When he gets like this,
I just don't know how to make him stop.
it seems like the hip-hop community
I want candy and marshmallows!
is trading in their gold chains
Have you ever tried beatin' his ass?
for gold showers.
Hip-hop singer R. Kelly is on trial again this week
HERBERT: What's with the belt?
for sharing some of his liquid bling
with yet another underage girl.
Some advice for Mr. Kelly:
Next time, use a golden shower curtain
: The nerve of you...
and keep your golden showers to yourself.
In front of these people...
What's wrong with a man giving away a golden shower?
You must have lost your goddamn mind!
Sounds like a nice gift to me.
HERBERT: Mom, stop!
Not many men would stop to help a woman in need.
What? Shoot, I wish somebody gave me a golden shower.
One, I like gold. Two, I like showers.
Well, uh--
Put it together, hey, that sound like the life.
I guess I just hate to see a child go unbeaten.
Hoo!
If you're good,
Sorry, Billy Blanks, but why buy the tape
I'm Cristal, like the champagne.
Santa Claus might give you a golden shower for Christmas.
when you can get the infomercial for free?
I'm Granddad.
Whew!
Christmas?
My man Santa.
Hello, cutie.
Yeah...
And controversial R & B superstar R. Kelly
I'd rather not.
will be heading into court tomorrow
My name's Cristal, like the champagne.
What the hell?
for the first day of his latest highly anticipated trial
Well, that sounds like a stripper name.
Boys!
for child pornography
Cristal, like the champagne, might you be a stripper?
and lewd acts with a local minor.
Granddad, can you take us into the city tomorrow
Would one of y'all like to explain this?
And just what do you know about strippers, little man?
Uh...
to watch the R. Kelly trial?
Not much, but I do know they're usually named after liquor.
You mean, the orange juice or the miniskirt?
Hell, no.
But you can walk.
Which one of y'all drank the last glass of orange juice?
It's 40 miles.
That's the last full day's supply of vitamin C.
All the money I spent on them damn Nikes?
I just love grocery stores in rich neighborhoods.
Heh. You better "just do it."
What am I supposed to do about my vitamin C now?
Assistant District Attorney Thomas DuBois
Much better stuff.
Y'all need to start appreciatin' your granddaddy.
is leading the prosecution of Kelly
I went and spent your inheritance
and has a mountain of evidence
on this beautiful house in this neighborhood.
Check out this special French whipped cream.
against the famous R & B performer,
including a videotape allegedly showing Kelly
And all I ask you to do
is act like you got some class.
Mm.
Hey, what's class?
urinating on a 14-year-old girl,
Mm. CRISTAL: Mm.
It means don't act like niggas.
GRANDDAD: Mm-hm. Mm.
which is widely available for download
S-see? That's what I'm talkin' about right there.
at www.FreeToPee.com. Ooh.
It's edible.
We don't use the N-word in this house.
GRANDDAD: Whipped cream, teddy bear...
Granddad, you said the word "nigga" 46 times yesterday.
I'm gonna go, uh...
I counted.
check my e-mail.
GRANDDAD: Mm, mm, mm.
Nigga, hush.
Now, you may not like it,
Yeah.
but I moved y'all out here
GRANDDAD: Somebody's busy.
to expand your horizon.
Get your little short ass back here!
One hundred fifty-three dollars and 12 cents is your total.
There's a new white man out here.
Will this be cash or charge?
He's refined.
For example, did you know
that the new white man loves gourmet cheese?
TOM: Hey, boys!
Wait.
You're such a gentleman.
I'm sorry, did you say cheese?
You didn't have to carry all my bags.
Yep, cheese.
Hey there, Huey. Riley.
It's my pleasure, Cristal, like the champagne.
You give the meanest white man a piece of cheese,
I couldn't help but notice your sign,
and I hope you boys aren't too upset about me
and he turn into Mr. Rogers.
having to prosecute Mr. Kelly.
Well, see you around.
Granddad, that doesn't make sense.
Don't you talk back to me.
Hey, man, you do what you gotta do.
Granddad, you can't tame
Why R. Kelly, huh? What did R. Kelly do to you?
the white supremacist power structure with cheese!
Oh, yes, I can! No, you can't!
He's accused of relieving himself
GRANDDAD: Yes, I can! No, you can not!
on an underage girl on tape,
I don't--
HUEY: Cheese.
which is against the law.
How can somebody that old
Okay, okay, okay.
say somethin' that stupid?
I mean, I don't know if--
But let's examine this whole peein' thing.
Would you like a date?
RILEY: I know about white people too.
Like, when they talk,
So I can pee in a toilet, and it's okay,
It just so happen I have coupons for the Red Lobster, cutie pie.
they say the whole word,
like this.
but if I pee on a person, it's, like, not okay?
Um...okay.
Well...yeah.
HUEY: Why'd he even move us
out here?
Well, what if I'm peein', and Huey's in the bathroom,
Probably did it just to make us miserable.
and I accidentally pee on Huey?
RILEY: And white people take time out
to study.
Should I go to jail?
You do realize that light-skinned ho was a ho,
What the hell would I be doin' in the bathroom
I hate this place.
while you're in the bathroom?
right, Granddad?
RILEY: And white people arrest you.
Hold up, hold up.
Don't cuss, boy. Now, watch your mouth.
Remember when we used to sleep in the same bed
Man.
I didn't cuss. I said ho.
when we was littler?
Don't think because I'm driving, I can't come back there.
From time to time, I'd have a little accident.
I don't see what the big deal is,
RILEY: Hey!
You still do. Shut up.
just sayin' "ho."
So, Mr. DuBois,
Ow! You smackin' me! Granddad, stop.
Looks like the feds.
Mr. "I Wanna Lock Niggas Up for Peein',"
GRANDDAD: Didn't I tell you
to watch your mouth?
Granddad!
what's the statute of limitations on bed-wettin'?
Riley, stop, or we are going to die!
Why not prosecute me and R. Kelly at the same time, huh?
Now, Riley, no one's going to prosecute you
Who the hell could be knockin' on this door
Now, I bet you won't say it again.
this early in the mornin'?
for bed-wetting.
And you shouldn't.
If it's a Jehovah Witness, I'm kickin' his ass.
It's a natural bodily function.
Yes?
Ho.
I'm looking for Robert Freeman.
And now every nigga in the world gonna be scared to pee.
Oh, I got your ho! HUEY: Watch the road.
Watch the road, Granddad!
I'm Robert Freeman.
I may never pee again!
I'm Ed Wuncler.
Riley, it was a little girl!
HUEY: Granddad, have you
asked yourself
From Wuncler's Savings and Loan.
Oh, I seen that girl. She ain't little.
why a 20-year-old girl would want to go out
with a man your age?
Uh, so?
I'm little. Yes.
Because I laid my game down quite flat.
I own the bank that owns your house.
Gary Coleman's little. Yes.
Mini-Me is little. Very.
Game?
What you know about the game, Granddad?
Oh, well--
And to the best of my knowledge,
Come in, sir.
I know the game.
Welcome to your house.
we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far.
Takin' women out to eat?
But what about the victim?
Givin' 'em free meals? What part of the game is that?
Oh, yes, the victim.
You takin' her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits.
Robert, my family founded Woodcrest over 170 years ago.
At what point does personal responsibility
The fam ain't eatin' cheddar biscuits,
become a factor in this equation?
but this random broad is eatin' cheddar biscuits.
I don't think that--
I was born here, and I still live here.
I see piss comin', I move.
Mm.
I know the game. Your granddaddy knows the game.
She saw piss comin', she stayed.
I consider this place to be family,
Yes, she did, but--
Game recognize game, Granddad.
And why should I have to miss out
on the next R. Kelly album just for that?
I recognize game. Your granddaddy recognize game.
and I'm very selective
about who I allow in to that family.
Man, you just got beat by an 8-year-old.
Game recognize game,
and you lookin' kinda unfamiliar right now.
You understand what I'm saying, Robert?
And if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'll piss on your cat!
Hey, yes, I totally understand.
I-- I can't-- Where's Granddad? Can I help you, sir?
Would you like some...
cheese?
I ain't got time to mess around with y'all.
Did you just offer me cheese?
I got a date. Get out the way.
Yes, I did.
RUCKUS: I tell you,
RILEY: Don't do it, Granddad!
it sure is beautiful out here.
I'd love some cheese, thank you.
White folks sure know how to make some nice foliage.
Don't feed her!
Hm.
GRANDDAD: Come on, now, stop.
Riley!
Get off my leg. RILEY : Don't feed her
Ah, come on, Ruckus.
Go get the fancy cheese.
Don't try to pull me back. the cheddar biscuits!
I'd like to ask some questions, if you don't mind.
You can't give the white man credit for the trees.
What the hell? Get off me, boy. What's wrong with you?
Where them two little nappy-headed grandkids of yours?
Are you gay, and if so, do you have a gay lover
Mm.
living with you in the house?
Ah, they went into the city
Oh, God.
to watch the trial of that singer.
Mm, mm.
Oh, right, right.
Gay? No, I'm not gay.
That black sumbitch that supposed to have had
These cheddar biscuits are so good,
urinal relations with that underage colored gal.
I mean, I happen to think a man looks nice
they just melt in your mouth.
with good hair and a ponytail.
Thank you for the meal.
Didn't Jerry Lee Lewis marry a 14-year-old baby?
But, no, mm-mm, I'm not gay.
It was very romantic,
What's your position on gay marriage?
You can't compare a chocolate monkey like R. Kelly
like Sex and the City or somethin'.
Wow. I have never seen a woman eat like that.
Well, first of all,
to Jerry Lee Lewis!
I believe all marriage is wrong.
Jerry Lee Lewis is the king of rock 'n' roll!
Or a man, actually.
Great balls of fire!
You should bring some home for the boys.
Good one, good.
Besides, that situation was different.
I don't know. If you feed 'em, they'll never leave.
Uh, you don't look like you associate
Oh, stop. They're so cute.
That was family.
with any Muslims, Arabs, you know.
You must love having them around.
MAN: We're here
at the R. Kelly trial,
People of terrorist descent?
Well, not really, but--
where there are a handful of angry protesters
Uh, well...
making their voices heard.
You should let me baby-sit sometimes.
These are scholars, activists,
RILEY: We got Kraft,
and we got Velveeta.
pillars of the African-American community,
Doggy bag?
A doggy bag is 90 bucks, a tea bag is 50,
and they are outraged.
And we're just going to head over here
but I'll have to ask you to excuse me right now.
Your grandson?
to the R. Kelly supporters,
See, I'm kind of, you know, on a real date.
Afraid so. Ahem.
where it's quite the festive event.
And you are? Hey!
You know, I have a grandson too. He's--
Now, why did you come out here to support R. Kelly?
HUEY: You know, now that I think
about it,
Is that right?
'Cause he good!
I don't ever remember seein' Granddad with a woman.
Well, heh-heh-heh,
And what about those protesters over there
this has been delightful.
There was a time, when I was three,
Well, it's really been a pleasure, Mr., uh--
who say he's crossed the line?
when I thought he was gay,
Mm.
but now, I think it's just bad luck.
I-Own-Everything.
Man, fuck them literate-ass, uppity niggas.
We should get together soon
Well, I don't see what the big deal is with ho's, anyway.
and have, uh... more cheese.
All they talk about is readin' and eatin' right.
Riley, all women are not ho's.
Like a nice Brie or a G-Gouda--
Nobody wanna hear all that shit.
G-Gayda-- Gouda.
If I wanna get high blood pressure, then--
We're talkin' 20, 25 percent, tops.
Heh. You know, you're my kind of guy, Freeman.
Nigga, get the carrot away from me!
Old school.
If I wanna get high blood pressure,
Okay, but if they not all ho's,
then damn it, that's my business!
then why I got to pay to take 'em out to eat, then?
What are you doin' tomorrow?
We're throwin' a garden party
Let's talk to another R. Kelly supporter.
for my grandson.
I mean, I'm payin'. That's payment.
Uh, you there, urban youth.
He just got back from Iraq.
Why do you think R. Kelly is innocent?
Uh, I don't know. 'Cause that's just what you do.
You should stop by, meet some of the neighbors.
If I started peein' on you right now,
You meet a girl, you take her out to dinner,
Bring the kids.
would you, A, smile and ask for more,
but you're not payin' the girl.
Sounds like a splendid idea.
or B, move the hell out the way?
You're payin' the restaurant.
I'll see you tomorrow.
But before you answer that, let me ask America:
Uh, thanks for stoppin' by.
Cheers.
But I'm payin', which makes her a ho.
Has pee ever really hurt anybody?
Why don't I just give her the money
And I wanna give a big shout-out to my homey,
I was gonna spend on dinner
Huey!
and that ho can go grocery shoppin'.
GRANDDAD: This damn thing looks real.
D-Bone, whassup?!
Can I have my gun back?
Okay, that's enough.
Oof.
And what do you do again?
Get off me!
Son of a--!
Get off me, Huey!
I'm in, uh-- Sales.
GRANDDAD: A garden party?
Free R. Kelly!
Yeah, boy.
Hey, yo, yo, yo! Look! Free R. Kelly!
I might buy sandals and new underwear.
You could call it sales.
Those R. Kelly haters are oppressin' that little boy!
Oh, you shot me!
I don't really like to talk about work.
RILEY: Free R. Kelly!
Granddad tried to assassinate me.
I'm not really fulfilled at my job.
Free-- Argh!
Why not?
Boy, what did I tell ya? This is the new white man.
Well, the hours are pretty long,
MAN: Get out of here, y'all.
the boss is a real jerk, and the clients--
He's distinguished.
MAN 2: We know what we talkin' about.
Ugh, don't get me started on the clients.
Granddad, I do not sip tea with the enemy.
MAN 3: Get 'em! WOMAN: You want a piece of me?
Oh, damn. So why do you do it?
You could force me to go,
Aaaahhh!
Mm, basically I'm in a transitional period.
but you cannot force me to be someone I'm not.
Like last year,
The hell I can't!
people said I should be a model,
but you gotta go get the pictures taken
You gonna go and you're not gonna embarrass me
I knew it would be just a matter of time
and do that whole thing.
in front of my new neighbors, or I'm gonna beat your ass.
before violence broke out.
Seemed like a lot of work.
Why can't we be ourselves, huh? Why can't I be me?
It's pandemonium here at the R. Kelly trial.
Yeah, taking pictures can be tough.
And then I wanted to be a chef,
Are you ashamed of us? Very.
Oh, the humanity!
but can you believe they want you to go to school for that?
We never asked to move here
with your precious new white people, Granddad.
I wish I could find a man,
who could swoop in like a superhero,
Didn't ask?
Well, you didn't ask for us
and save me from, you know, work.
to be attacked by dogs and fire hoses,
so you can live here, but we did it anyway.
Oh, here he go again with the dogs and the fire hoses.
Kind of like a Captain Save-A-Me.
Shoot, we were attacked by dogs and fire hoses.
Do you know where I can buy a cape?
Were you attacked?
Mr. Kelly! Mr. Kelly!
Ooh. Damn.
Do you have a statement?
Whoa. Wow.
I-I don't know what difference that makes.
This is truly an example
Because it's like the whole generation
of black people stickin' together.
In the words of Sister Souljah,
That's how it starts, you know.
tries to take credit for what happened to some people.
"An injustice anywhere is an injustice...
Takin' bitches out to eat,
That's ridiculous.
meals and whatnot.
anywhere."
Next thing you know,
Now, see-- Well, you know--
Amen.
Uh, what had happened was...
you wake up in a rest haven for ho's.
A sanctuary for scandalous skeezers and stunts.
MAN: Get out of here.
Go, go, go!
MAN: Come on, get out of here.
You're jumpin' to conclusions. It's just a date.
What did O.J. Simpson say to Kobe after his case was over?
Aw, man.
What's that?
What if he marries her?
I missed it. Was it bad?
Don't let this whole trial thing
What if we end up with a ho for a grandma?
Did they do the thing with the fire hoses?
turn you off to white women.
Riley, shut your dumb ass up.
What do you think, chump?
That's funny on so many levels.
What if we have a ho for a grandma,
Damn, what's eatin' you?
and she comes to school on career day?
A goddamn German shepherd, that's what.
Lord, I just wish they would let me on that jury, boy.
Ooh, what if they have kids?
Where was you?
I-I had to go back to the apartment
We'd have a brother or sister that's half ho.
'cause I forgot my raincoat.
Thank God for the white man's court of law.
Riley!
You went to--? You--?
This nigga went to get a motherfuckin' raincoat.
It's the only way to keep these crazy niggas under control.
CRISTAL: This is your home?
It's beautiful.
I can't believe you.
We all been watchin' the same news.
Well, that and pepper spray.
Hey, boys.
The police been doin' this fire hose thing all week.
You know, I sat on a jury one time.
I love this place. I never want to leave.
I just assumed we'd all wear our raincoat.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
Damn it, Robert.
Is there anything to eat?
Who the hell comes to a march with a raincoat?
It was in 1957, back in Tennessee.
Bet you wish you had a coat now.
You son of a bitch!
Now, the defendant was accused
HUEY: I didn't want
to believe Riley.
GRANDDAD: Remember what Dr. King said!
of shootin' three little white women
I wanted Granddad to have finally found love in his life.
with a Winchester rifle from about 50 yards away.
Who actually got hit with the fire hose ain't important.
But I've never been one to ignore the obvious.
Now, we goin' to this party,
and your black asses are gonna behave.
See, now, he thought he was gonna get off
Granddad was tryin' to turn a ho into a housewife.
with that old "I'm blind" excuse,
If I'm lucky, I'll find myself a nice white woman
CRISTAL: Come on, Granddad.
but, oh, boy, he had another thing comin'.
GRANDDAD: What you talkin' about?
Hey, you just wait a minute. Uh-huh.
with a flat booty who'll listen to my problems.
JUDGE: The jury will now go off
and deliberate on--
Guilty!
That nigga is guilty!
Sir, settle down. You have to go deliberate.
I don't need to deliberate. Hang that nigga now!
GRANDDAD: Now, the word for the day
is "behave."
H-E-A-V-E.
I got the rope right here!
Behave.
I'm comin', I'm comin'.
Excuse me. Out of the way, Kunta Kinte! Yes, sir.
King me.
How can I help ya?
GRANDDAD: Excuse me?
TOM: Lady Liberty is on our side.
Justice will prevail.
Oh, Lord have mercy. Security. Security.
The judge and jury will do the right thing.
We got a Code Black.
I'm telling you, Huey, it's an open-and-shut case.
Code Black at the main gate.
: ■ Ruckus, what the hell
Mr. DuBois, are you fully aware
is a Code Black?
the extent to which niggas love R. Kelly?
There are some hungry-lookin'
niggas at the front gate.
Oh, Huey, it's under control.
What y'all doin' here?
Deliveries are in the back.
Watch me work.
Well, my name is Robert Freeman,
I was invited here by Ed Wuncler.
Well, I'm Ruckus. Uncle Ruckus, no relation.
And I work for Mr. Wuncler.
And you slick niggas
And so, ladies and gentlemen,
ain't gonna fast-talk your way into this here party.
not only will we prove it is Mr. Kelly in the video,
Ruckus, what the hell are you doing?
we will prove that the victim was 14
Uh, Mr. Freeman,
CRISTAL: What's up now?
I'm sorry. Please, come this way.
Why you keep doin' the same move?
at the time the video was shot.
Where your game at? Where your game at?
Thank you, Mr. DuBois.
GRANDDAD: See, boys?
And you thought we'd be the only black people.
And now we'll have the opening statement
My X button ain't working.
for the defense.
Whatever, nigga.
ATTORNEY: The ancient Greeks,
Hey, look, I'm pressin' it.
the architects of Western civilization,
You see me pressin' it. You cheatin'.
would regularly indulge in sexual activities
Bitch, your game is garbage.
with children.
I'm Cristal, bitch. Who's next?
Were they...perverts?
Fake-ass Mariah Carey!
In Puritan America,
the forefathers of this great land
would take wives who were 12 or 13 years old,
That's how nasty my game is, son.
I send niggas runnin' away.
much younger than the alleged victim.
What?
Were they...sickos?
Ah.
A full day's supply of vitamin C.
In Tokyo, you can buy teenage girls' panties
in vending machines.
Do we call them...
"disgusting"?
Of course not!
What do all those things have to do with Robert Kelly?
Nothing.
Let's get to the point.
Granddad, that woman has got to go.
Now, some people see this so-called "mountain"
Miss Cristal is my beautiful baby-boo,
WUNCLER: Robert!
of evidence,
these "videotapes," "photographs,"
and you will show her some respect.
Glad you made it, Robert. This is my grandson, Ed III.
"eyewitnesses" and "DNA,"
Granddad, we don't know anything about Miss Cristal.
How are you?
Whassup y'all, what's good?
I mean, we know she spends all your money.
and see a guilty man.
Uh...so I understand you just got back from Iraq.
But some of us can see that "mountain"
We know she eats more than a black hole.
We know she cheat at PlayStation!
For real?
Yo, what's it like?
What's it like?
of so-called "evidence"
But where does she live? What does she do for a living?
What I supposed to say to that?
for what it really is:
It was cool, there was bitches?
She's in sales.
racism.
Pfft. Ho sales.
What?
Okay, there was bitches, but a lot of them had,
MAN: Oh, he said it right there.
Granddad, does she duck under the table
you know, they was covered up
every time a dude in a purple suit walks in?
in them curtains and stuff they be wearin'.
But I digress.
It was war!
Which one was the one that got caught
with that homely, little white gal?
It was war, basically.
Kobe.
War, you know what that's like?
Right.
Motherfuckers be, like, shootin':
Now, I know exactly what happened to Kobe.
Kobe caught that white fever.
Uh, a lot of people do that.
Bombs blowin' up.
White fever will get in your blood, man.
Can she run really, really, really fast in high heels?
And, you know, the shit scared me.
It'll make you crazy.
It scared the shit out of me.
Matter of fact, I shit on myself over a dozen times
And you know they got them short, little skirts nowadays
I don't know. Average speed, I guess.
and that, uh-- What--? What they call them?
and ran out of toilet paper after the second time.
Race you to the car.
The--? The--? The tongs?
So you know what that meant, right?
Thongs.
Okay.
Yeah, right.
They got the thongs all up the booty crack,
I had to use the thumb, man. It was kind of nasty.
and they got that sweet white nectar.
Hm.
But, you know, the good thing about it
Oh, Lord, have mercy.
Maybe, uh... Little...above average.
was they stopped taking me out on patrol.
And after that, it's over.
'Cause my name became "Stink Bomb."
Does she keep askin' if you're a cop?
You wake up, and you don't even know what you darn done.
You know what I'm sayin'?
No.
They said, you know, I was giving away our position
You know, you have to tell me if you're a cop,
Just a pool of sweat around your ankles
because of the shit smell.
or it's entrapment.
That was fine with me, you know what I'm sayin'.
and a deep sense of satisfaction.
Mm.
They-- They wanted to leave me back.
CRISTAL: My cute boys.
Gimme a minute, Robert.
And I was like: "Well, fuck y'all.
You look like you need to take five.
"Y'all go ahead on 'cause I don't need y'all anyway.
You boys don't know Cristal like I do.
I'm rich, bitch."
Mm-hm. Yeah, sure.
She's a wonderful woman.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
She's in my heart. She's in my soul.
I present to you the R. Kelly tape.
I just want to be her everything.
The fuck y'all looking at?
Hey, li'l man.
And for your information, children,
I warn you, it is graphic.
I had relations with Cristal last night.
Like guns?
Yeah!
RILEY: Yeah!
Ew, come on, Granddad! Oh, God, please!
C'mon.
Come on, let's get that drink.
Why would you share that? That's nasty.
How am I supposed to have nice dreams tonight, man?
And she didn't charge me a dime.
Mm.
You ready to go shoppin' again?
MAN: Oh. Oh, my... WOMAN: Oh, my...
You betcha.
MAN: Well, you should definitely see
The Passion.
It's a very important movie.
MAN 2: No, he didn't.
Couldn't see it. White Jesus.
Excuse me?
Objection! We can't even see his face clearly.
Come on, man.
It's supposed to be all historically accurate,
MAN 2: Man, he got freckles
and everything.
and they still have a white man
That proves nothing!
playin' Jesus?
That's some old bullshit.
Young man, you speak so well.
Hello? Yes, this is Robert Kelly.
Hey, Huey.
Yes, the singer.
Okay, Cristal, I think we need to talk.
You want my Social Security number?
Sure, it's 916-34-7865.
RUCKUS: Well,
Before you start,
la-di-da-di-do.
I just want to tell you how much fun it's been
Look like we got us the winner
Okay. God bless.
hangin' out with you guys.
of the Lucky-Nigga-of-the-Year award.
Well, um...
Think of me as the big sister you always wanted.
Don't take this the wrong way, but...
Ah.
Now, young lady,
They must think the sun shine out your ass.
I know this might be hard to talk about.
I need you to get the hell up outta here.
No, it's cool.
Any particular reason?
Mr. Wuncler's been very nice, yes.
You're kind of a lazy ho?
How old were you when you were seeing Mr. Kelly?
Yeah, I can see that.
They must think you Sidney fucking Poitier.
I don't know why my granddad can't see it.
Mm, 14 and a quarter.
Well,
Wow. That's a great age, isn't it?
I been workin' for Mr. Wuncler for 20 years.
To be honest, me either. It's so obvious.
Still learning so much about the world.
I ain't never got invited to the party.
But it's okay because, see,
Shoot, he don't even let me use the front door.
Whatever. I guess.
I'm in this transitional period--
Ah, ah, ah, I don't care. You gotta go.
Could you describe the events leading up
But you wouldn't know about that,
now, would ya, Mr. Tibbs?
to the shooting of the video?
Yeah. He asked if he could pee on me,
and I said, "Fo' sho'."
Oh, yeah.
I mean, it's R. Kelly, the Pied Piper of R & B.
They must think your shit smell
I can't do that.
I'm sorry?
like spring daisies and cinnamon.
I been peed on by guys that don't even have record deals.
You guys have the life.
And I want the life too.
Shit, if I didn't want to get peed on,
Yeah, but it's our life. We're his family.
Check this out.
I'd just move out the way.
Wow.
RILEY: Ha! I told you!
Are those real?
Oh, so now, we get to what this is really about.
Order!
Would you describe yourself
Real?
as an African-American woman?
I'm not one of y'all. I'm not in the family.
Put it this way:
if I pick one up and put it to your face,
Nigga, you blind?
I don't carry his genes, so I have to go?
Uh, yeah. Plus, you're a lazy ho.
pull the trigger, will you be dead?
No, I'm not.
So it's safe to say that R. Kelly is...
Ugh, ho is a strong term.
sexually attracted to black women, right?
Right now, I'm somewhere between anatomical sales associate
HUEY: And all I'm saying is,
Mm-hm.
Ronald Reagan was the devil.
Objection, relevance!
and high-maintenance girlfriend.
You are such an articulate young man.
Your Honor, I'm trying to establish to the court
Can't you be positive about my growth?
Cristal, every part of you bein' here is unacceptable.
that my client is a proud black man
I'm tryin' to explain to you
Do you realize I'm doin' prostitute laundry?
that Ronald Reagan was the devil.
who loves his black sistas,
Ronald Wilson Reagan.
Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?
Each of his names has six letters.
unlike District Attorney DuBois,
Six-six-six.
Look, this is an adjustment for everyone,
who's married...
Man, doesn't that offend you?
to a white woman!
I love this kid.
but it's what your grandfather wants.
Stop that. What are you doin'?
You can't get rid of me.
I can do things to persuade your granddad that you can't do.
Stop clappin'.
Damn.
Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Having a good time, Robert?
Like what?
Never mind, I don't really wanna know.
I-It's, uh...
Come on, have a drink with me.
Now, I've listened to your black ass
You look nervous.
talk all day about how much you can't stand black folks.
Do I make you nervous, Free-man?
Ain't two of 'em in the history of the world
Bye, Granddaddy.
I'll be back in a few.
that's worth a squirrel fart.
HUEY: Cristal was right.
Nervous? No.
Well, how much you love white folks?
I was going about this the wrong way.
I was just, uh, keepin' an eye out for the boys.
Best thing the good Lord ever did for the planet Earth.
Granddad needed to see the truth for himself.
This is a lovely party.
Ruckus, you black as the ace of spades, man.
The only joy I get from these parties
I don't see the need for you to go and insult a man
is standing around, telling mean-spirited jokes
after a game of Checkers.
We been reminiscin' all day, lookin' in each other's eyes,
at other people's expense.
I do that too.
actin' like we like each other.
Check out that guy.
Now, you gotta go ahead and remind me of my ailment.
Why is his face all twisted up like that?
Ailment? That's right.
You heard of vitiligo?
Looks like he jacks off with Icy Hot.
Shoot! Well, I got re-vitiligo.
Every year my skin just seem to get blacker and darker
He looks like he just shit a gerbil.
and blacker and then more darker. Huh.
It's the opposite of what Michael Jackson got.
A gerbil.
Lucky bastard.
Sorry, I'll be right back.
Ruckus, how could you possibly love white people so much?
HUEY: Tell me this,
It's easy. Have you ever looked at 'em?
why was all the video recordin'
White man is just a joy to be around.
of the Pentagon attack seized by the FBI
They smell like lemon juice and Pledge furniture cleaner.
and never seen again?
He speaks so well.
He's adorable.
And look at 'em. They gave us discipline, jobs,
Are you even listenin'
to what I'm sayin'?
put structure in our life, took us out the jungle.
Nigga, if you ruin this party for me,
I'll put my-- Ruin the party? They love me.
And what we do to show our appreciation?
These people aren't worried about us.
We march up and down the street.
They're not worried about anything. They're rich.
We vote. Carry on.
No matter what happens,
Ingrates.
these people will just keep applaudin'.
Well, how about this?
Game.
: Ahem. Attention please.
My name is Uncle Ruckus, no relation.
Nigga.
ATTORNEY: I'm going to show you
Cutie pie, what is this?
I want to sing y'all a brand new song I just wrote called:
something they don't want you to see.
Something that will blow this case wide open.
That's not me.
"Don't Trust Them New Niggas Over There."
I can't believe you would digitally alter pictures of me.
Sing along if you know the words.
This is R. Kelly's NAACP Image Award Certificate of Nomination.
Boy, that ain't nothin' but Photoshop.
Get that outta here.
Hey, man,
Over there
you got his card?
Why don't they like me?
He's good.
I try...
In the air
Did you wash your hands?
so hard with them.
You think they nominate just anyone
Nappy-head niggas
for this award? MAN: I got one!
Aw, there, there.
You know why he wants to put R. Kelly in jail?
Haven't I done enough for you two?
MAN: Why? Because he's
afraid of R. Kelly.
Y'all don't know what it's like to be old.
Over there
MAN: Oh. Objection!
To know you don't have many days left.
Shhh! Would you be quiet?
Are you sure that vest'll stop this shotgun?
MAN: Shush. I think he's afraid.
Cristal makes me happy.
I think the whole system is afraid of R. Kelly.
Why would you want to take that away from me?
Man, I'm like the Terminator in this vest.
Your Honor, please!
If you don't shut up--
They're afraid because they see the power for good
RUCKUS:
that this man wields through his music.
RILEY: It's a nigga
in a purple suit.
What? You don't believe me?
Yes, they do. MAN: Mm-hm.
Go ahead!
They don't want R. Kelly to be free
Pull the trigger.
because they don't want you to be free!
Who are you?
Now, are you sure that--?
They don't want me to be free!
I said pull that trigger now!
My name is A Pimp Named Slickback,
You wanna play rough?
Maybe R. Kelly did urinate on this woman.
Okay.
and I believe I may have misplaced some merchandise
Over yonder
But America urinated on R. Kelly!
at this residence.
There she is.
It'll make you wonder
Bitch, I hope you got the monies
MAN: Oh!
to cover this little vacation you been takin'.
Now, hold up, Slickback.
No, that's A Pimp Named Slickback.
Nigga-figures
MAN: Tell 'em! MAN 2: He got framed!
And if you let them put this man in jail,
That's what I said: Slickback.
America will urinate on each and every one of you!
No, no, it's A Pimp Named Slickback.
Like A Tribe Called Quest.
You say the whole thing. A Pimp Named Slickback.
Assalamu'alaikum.
Uh, can we call you "Slickback" for short?
ALL: Wa alaikum assalam.
I think the N-word is okay, as long as they say it.
MAN 2: Brother.
Please, people. You saw the tape.
No, nigga. I'm A Pimp Named Slickback!
Cristal, who is this person?
See?
The girl testified she was underage.
Nigga, are you deaf?
You-- You're not allowed to do that to a little girl!
Say hello to my little friend.
I'm A Pimp Named Slickback. Say it with me, now.
We have a videotape!
He's my pimp.
Y-y-y-your pimp?
Go tell that to your white bitch.
So you really are a-- A--
Mmm-hmm.
Yes, I'm a ho. RILEY & HUEY: Yes, she's a ho.
But the girl was...
Come on, bitch. Now.
A Pimp Named Slickback, could I please have a minute?
Fuck y'all lookin' at?
Prosecution rests.
A minute?
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,
Let us pray "The Pimp's Prayer."
all that needs to be said is this:
Lord, please pray for the soul of this bitch,
and guide my pimp hand and make it strong, Lord,
MAN: Aw, yeah!
so that she might learn a ho's place. Amen.
Amen. Yeah!
Hey, you think we in trouble?
You shot his grandson out the window.
We're meant to be together
What you think?
I don't know.
You ain't gonna hit no woman in my house.
I didn't want to move here,
Let it go
but I don't really want Granddad to lose his house.
What woman, sir? This here's a ho.
He worked his whole life to get here.
MAN: Hey!
Not in this house, she's not.
Man, I like that house.
Why don't you just wait outside.
Oh, well, I shot a nigga!
What the hell is wrong with you people?
Every famous nigga that gets arrested is not Nelson Mandela!
Damn, Indiana Jenkins.
I didn't know we was still whoopin' niggas.
Mr. Wuncler,
Yes, the government conspires
Fine.
I'm...sorry about the whole, you know,
to put a lot of innocent black men in jail
Bitch, you got 45 seconds, and I'm leavin'.
on fallacious charges,
Forty-four, 43,
my grandson shooting your grandson
but R. Kelly is not one of those men!
out of the window thing.
We all know the nigga can sing, but what happened to standards?
42...
Are you mad?
I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
In 30 years,
What happened to bare minimums?
I mean, at first, I thought you knew.
that boy will be the president of the United States.
How would I?
You a fan of R. Kelly?
You wanna help R. Kelly?
I mean, I don't see how you couldn't have known.
And he'll still be a fucking idiot.
Then get some counseling for R. Kelly!
Well, easy mistake, I guess.
Introduce him to some older women.
Whew.
I mean, there were so many obvious signs--
Now, are we gonna have that drink or what?
Hide his camcorder.
All right, all right, I got the point.
But don't pretend like the man is a hero!
Cristal, I don't care what you've done in the past,
Glad you were able to make it, Robert.
as long as you're ready to start fresh.
To the old school.
And stop the damn dancin'!
Think about it. Twenty-four...
To the old school.
Act like you got some goddamn sense, people!
You can stay here,
maybe get a job, go back to school.
Damn!
Through playin' around here!
We can make it work.
I don't know, Robert.
RILEY: Boooooo!
I'm not really cut out for school and jobs.
Hey, you with the Afro!
Give it a rest! Beat it!
But you'll be able to stay here with us.
Put the music back on!
Yeah, you're right. That sounds nice.
Let me just go and get rid of A Pimp Named Slickback,
then maybe I'll get some applications.
Eleven, 10, nine...
HUEY: I did battle
with ignorance today,
and ignorance won.
You're coming back, right?
Of course.
I admit that I'm often...
vexed at the behavior of my own people.
Time's up, bitch. I am leavin'.
Thanks for trying to save me.
Yeah, "vexed" is a good word.
I told you about messin' with them white women.
CRISTAL: No, Daddy! Wait, wait!
HUEY: You do what you can
to help black folks,
Wait, wait.
and they make you wonder why you even bother.
She'll be back.
But they're our people,
and we gotta love 'em regardless.
HUEY: I guess, deep down,
all grownups want to find that perfect person
that'll guarantee that they'll never be lonely again.
I still believe Granddad'll find his someday.
Did she come back?
WOMAN: Break it down!
Don't blow out the candle. She'll think nobody's home.
HUEY: One thing for sure, though.
It's all right, Granddad.
Can't blame this one on the white man.
Maybe she'll be back tomorrow.
What am I saying?
Of course I can.
HUEY: One thing I learned though...
Come back!
Wait!
Run, bitch, run!
she sure can run in those heels.
CRISTAL: I can't go to school!
I can't get no real job!
A PIMP NAMED SLICKBACK: Feel the burn.