1
00:00:37,021 --> 00:00:39,021
JAZMINE:
He  knows  when you been sleeping!

2
00:00:39,021 --> 00:00:40,021
MAN: All right.
WOMAN: Amen.

3
00:00:40,021 --> 00:00:43,021
JAZMINE:
He  knows  when you're awake!

4
00:00:43,021 --> 00:00:44,021
He knows if you've
been bad or good,

5
00:00:44,021 --> 00:00:46,021
so be good for what?

6
00:00:46,021 --> 00:00:48,021
PEOPLE:
Goodness sake.

7
00:00:50,021 --> 00:00:51,021
Think about that.

8
00:00:51,021 --> 00:00:54,021
Be good for goodness sake.

9
00:00:54,021 --> 00:00:55,021
Yes.

10
00:00:55,021 --> 00:00:57,021
Whose sake?

11
00:00:57,021 --> 00:00:58,021
CHOIR:
Goodness sake.

12
00:00:58,021 --> 00:00:59,021
MAN 2:
Speak, sister, speak!

13
00:01:04,021 --> 00:01:06,021
And put 'em in your mouth.

14
00:01:06,021 --> 00:01:07,021
Somebody say "ho, ho, ho."

15
00:01:07,021 --> 00:01:09,021
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho!

16
00:01:09,021 --> 00:01:12,021
Nowadays,
people think "ho, ho, ho,"

17
00:01:12,021 --> 00:01:13,021
means the Hilton sisters...

18
00:01:14,021 --> 00:01:16,021
standing next to Nicole Richie.

19
00:01:16,021 --> 00:01:18,021
Now, that ain't no "ho, ho, ho."

20
00:01:18,021 --> 00:01:22,021
Somebody give me the real
"ho, ho, ho," out there.

21
00:01:22,021 --> 00:01:23,021
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho!

22
00:01:23,021 --> 00:01:25,021
Praise Santa!

23
00:01:26,021 --> 00:01:29,021
FedEx, UPS.

24
00:01:29,021 --> 00:01:31,021
They can ship the package.

25
00:01:33,021 --> 00:01:34,021
MAN:
Hold on!

26
00:01:34,021 --> 00:01:36,021
I know a man
with a different kind

27
00:01:36,021 --> 00:01:38,021
of guaranteed
overnight delivery.

28
00:01:38,021 --> 00:01:41,021
He's got his own
overnight express.

29
00:01:41,021 --> 00:01:43,021
Forget Airborne Express.

30
00:01:43,021 --> 00:01:46,021
I'll take the reindeer express.

31
00:01:46,021 --> 00:01:48,021
'Cause it's free shipping
on Christmas Eve.

32
00:01:48,021 --> 00:01:49,021
Somebody say...

33
00:01:49,021 --> 00:01:51,021
ALL:
Ho, ho, ho!

34
00:01:52,021 --> 00:01:54,021
Praise Santa.

35
00:01:54,021 --> 00:01:56,021
CHOIR:

36
00:02:03,021 --> 00:02:05,021
Praise Santa.

37
00:02:13,021 --> 00:02:16,021
: Ladies and gentlemen,

38
00:02:13,021 --> 00:02:16,021
from the North Pole,

39
00:02:16,021 --> 00:02:19,021
may we present Santa Claus.

40
00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:21,021
Merry Christmas, kids.

41
00:02:21,021 --> 00:02:23,021
Hi, everybody. Hi.

42
00:02:23,021 --> 00:02:24,021
Ho, ho, ho.

43
00:02:27,021 --> 00:02:29,021
GIRL:
Santa!

44
00:02:29,021 --> 00:02:30,021
SANTA:
What a jolly day.

45
00:02:36,021 --> 00:02:38,021
GIRL 2:
I love you, Santa!

46
00:02:43,021 --> 00:02:43,021
Hi, Santa!

47
00:02:46,021 --> 00:02:48,021
Hey, Merry Christ--

48
00:02:52,021 --> 00:02:54,021
ALL:
Santa!

49
00:02:54,021 --> 00:02:56,021
Yeah, I got your ass, Santa!

50
00:03:00,021 --> 00:03:02,021
RILEY:
I'm comin' for that ass!

51
00:03:07,021 --> 00:03:08,021
Punk yo ass!

52
00:03:08,021 --> 00:03:10,021
Uh-oh.

53
00:03:13,021 --> 00:03:16,021
GIRL 2:
He's killing him!

54
00:03:16,021 --> 00:03:18,021
What the fuck?

55
00:03:18,021 --> 00:03:21,021
You all just gonna stand there
and watch me get my ass kicked?

56
00:03:21,021 --> 00:03:23,021
Nobody had my back, huh?

57
00:03:24,021 --> 00:03:27,021
Nobody's got Santa's back?
Ain't this a bitch.

58
00:03:27,021 --> 00:03:30,021
That's fucked up with y'all.

59
00:03:30,021 --> 00:03:31,021
GIRL 2:
Santa said the F-word!

60
00:03:31,021 --> 00:03:33,021
WOMAN:
Even Santa gets angry sometimes.

61
00:03:35,021 --> 00:03:38,021
MAN:
And the sixth day of Kwanzaa

62
00:03:35,021 --> 00:03:38,021
is  Kuji--

63
00:03:38,021 --> 00:03:41,021
Ku--  Uh, uh--  Ku--

64
00:03:41,021 --> 00:03:43,021
Wow, this is really complicated.

65
00:03:43,021 --> 00:03:45,021
The sixth day is...

66
00:03:45,021 --> 00:03:47,021
Er, uh...  Kuumba.

67
00:03:47,021 --> 00:03:51,021
Kuuuuumbaaaa.

68
00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:54,021
HUEY: Harold Kennedy Uberwitz

69
00:03:51,021 --> 00:03:54,021
was my history teacher.

70
00:03:54,021 --> 00:03:55,021
He was culturally sensitive.

71
00:03:55,021 --> 00:03:58,021
And on  Kuumbay--
Uh,  Kuumba--

72
00:03:58,021 --> 00:04:00,021
Uh, the elder--
Okay, that would be me.

73
00:04:00,021 --> 00:04:04,021
--leads everyone
in the  Harambee  salute.

74
00:04:04,021 --> 00:04:07,021
And that goes like:

75
00:04:07,021 --> 00:04:10,021
Harambee!

76
00:04:10,021 --> 00:04:12,021
Okay, great.

77
00:04:12,021 --> 00:04:14,021
So who wants to join me
in the  Harambee  salute?

78
00:04:14,021 --> 00:04:17,021
Anyone? Huey?

79
00:04:18,021 --> 00:04:19,021
You sure?

80
00:04:20,021 --> 00:04:22,021
It's Kwanzaa.

81
00:04:22,021 --> 00:04:25,021
Okay, no problem.
Here we go.

82
00:04:25,021 --> 00:04:26,021
Harambee!

83
00:04:27,021 --> 00:04:28,021
Harambee!

84
00:04:28,021 --> 00:04:29,021
Harambee!

85
00:04:29,021 --> 00:04:31,021
Harambee!

86
00:04:31,021 --> 00:04:33,021
Harambee!

87
00:04:33,021 --> 00:04:34,021
Harambee!

88
00:04:34,021 --> 00:04:36,021
Harambee!

89
00:04:36,021 --> 00:04:37,021
Harambee!

90
00:04:37,021 --> 00:04:38,021
Harambee!

91
00:04:44,021 --> 00:04:46,021
HUEY:
You want me to direct

92
00:04:44,021 --> 00:04:46,021
the Christmas play?

93
00:04:46,021 --> 00:04:50,021
UBERWITZ:
Absolutely. I-I think

94
00:04:46,021 --> 00:04:50,021
you'll do a fantastic job.

95
00:04:50,021 --> 00:04:52,021
First of all, I don't
give a damn about Christmas.

96
00:04:52,021 --> 00:04:57,021
You don't have to do
a traditional Christmas play.

97
00:04:57,021 --> 00:04:59,021
No, you can do
whatever you want.

98
00:04:59,021 --> 00:05:00,021
You'll be fired.

99
00:05:00,021 --> 00:05:02,021
Fired? For what?

100
00:05:02,021 --> 00:05:05,021
For being an irresponsible
white person.

101
00:05:05,021 --> 00:05:07,021
I would really love
to see your vision.

102
00:05:07,021 --> 00:05:11,021
Vision? What do you know
about my vision?

103
00:05:11,021 --> 00:05:13,021
My vision would turn
your world upside-down,

104
00:05:13,021 --> 00:05:15,021
tear asunder
your illusions,

105
00:05:15,021 --> 00:05:17,021
and send the sanctuary
of your own ignorance

106
00:05:17,021 --> 00:05:18,021
crashing down around you.

107
00:05:18,021 --> 00:05:20,021
Now, ask yourself:

108
00:05:20,021 --> 00:05:23,021
Are you really ready
to see that vision?

109
00:05:23,021 --> 00:05:26,021
We'll give you complete
creative control.

110
00:05:28,021 --> 00:05:30,021
I want it in writing.

111
00:05:30,021 --> 00:05:33,021
: And suddenly,

112
00:05:30,021 --> 00:05:33,021
there was with the angel--

113
00:05:33,021 --> 00:05:36,021
GRANDDAD:
A multitude of the heavenly

114
00:05:33,021 --> 00:05:36,021
host, praising God,

115
00:05:36,021 --> 00:05:39,021
and saying, "Glory to God
in the highest and on Earth,

116
00:05:39,021 --> 00:05:40,021
peace, goodwill toward men."

117
00:05:44,021 --> 00:05:46,021
And that's what Christmas is all about.

118
00:05:46,021 --> 00:05:48,021
Mm-hm.

119
00:05:48,021 --> 00:05:49,021
You hear that, boy?

120
00:05:49,021 --> 00:05:51,021
That's what Christmas
is all about.

121
00:05:51,021 --> 00:05:55,021
Actually, Granddad,
Christmas is a pagan holiday.

122
00:05:55,021 --> 00:05:57,021
And Jesus probably hates you
for celebrating it.

123
00:05:57,021 --> 00:06:00,021
There ain't gonna be no Scrooges
in this house, boy!

124
00:06:00,021 --> 00:06:02,021
Look, Granddad,
it's clear from the scripture

125
00:06:02,021 --> 00:06:05,021
that Jesus was not born
in winter.

126
00:06:05,021 --> 00:06:07,021
The shepherds, who saw
the angels announcing his birth,

127
00:06:07,021 --> 00:06:10,021
would not have been out
in their fields in December.

128
00:06:10,021 --> 00:06:12,021
The Palestinian winters
are too cold.

129
00:06:12,021 --> 00:06:14,021
If you believe
in that sort of thing.

130
00:06:14,021 --> 00:06:16,021
The truth is, Christmas evolved

131
00:06:16,021 --> 00:06:18,021
from the Roman holiday Saturnalia,

132
00:06:18,021 --> 00:06:21,021
a winter festival where men gave gifts to each other.

133
00:06:21,021 --> 00:06:23,021
They also would get drunk,

134
00:06:23,021 --> 00:06:25,021
have sex with each other and beat their wives.

135
00:06:25,021 --> 00:06:27,021
People would act so crazy on Christmas,

136
00:06:27,021 --> 00:06:30,021
the holiday was outlawed by the Protestant church

137
00:06:30,021 --> 00:06:31,021
until the 1800s.

138
00:06:32,021 --> 00:06:34,021
As a matter of fact,
the United States Congress...

139
00:06:41,021 --> 00:06:43,021
Granddad?
Granddad!

140
00:06:43,021 --> 00:06:46,021
I'm sorry, boy.
Wh-wh-what was that?

141
00:06:46,021 --> 00:06:49,021
I just explained
the entire history of Christmas.

142
00:06:49,021 --> 00:06:53,021
But it was booooring, Huey.

143
00:06:53,021 --> 00:06:57,021
You just, "Blah, blah, gay sex.
Blah, blah, Congress."

144
00:06:57,021 --> 00:06:59,021
You know,
you gotta be interesting.

145
00:06:59,021 --> 00:07:01,021
You're gonna talk me to death.
Talk, talk, talk.

146
00:07:03,021 --> 00:07:04,021
HUEY: And that's when it hit me.

147
00:07:04,021 --> 00:07:07,021
The world needed to see my vision.

148
00:07:07,021 --> 00:07:09,021
But I needed to dress it up first.

149
00:07:09,021 --> 00:07:12,021
It needed scale and drama and special effects.

150
00:07:14,021 --> 00:07:15,021
What are you doing?

151
00:07:15,021 --> 00:07:17,021
I'm writing a letter
to Santa.

152
00:07:17,021 --> 00:07:20,021
"Dear Santa.

153
00:07:20,021 --> 00:07:24,021
You are a bitch nigga--"

154
00:07:24,021 --> 00:07:26,021
Wait, wait, wait. Hold up, hold up, hold up.

155
00:07:26,021 --> 00:07:28,021
"Dear Santa.

156
00:07:28,021 --> 00:07:31,021
"You are a bitch ass nigga.

157
00:07:31,021 --> 00:07:37,021
"I heard the mall is hiring extra security to protect you.

158
00:07:37,021 --> 00:07:40,021
"That's a bitch move, Santa.

159
00:07:40,021 --> 00:07:45,021
"I'm coming for that ass again until you pay what you owe.

160
00:07:45,021 --> 00:07:47,021
"Sincerely yours,

161
00:07:47,021 --> 00:07:49,021
the Santa Stalker."

162
00:07:52,021 --> 00:07:53,021
JAZMINE:
I think you should do a play

163
00:07:53,021 --> 00:07:55,021
about what Christmas
is really about.

164
00:07:55,021 --> 00:07:58,021
Christmas is about how Santa
died for our gifts

165
00:07:58,021 --> 00:08:03,021
and rose from the dead
and moved to the North Pole.

166
00:08:03,021 --> 00:08:05,021
And because of that,
every year,

167
00:08:05,021 --> 00:08:08,021
Santa comes down
to forgive us our sins

168
00:08:08,021 --> 00:08:09,021
and give us
eternal presents.

169
00:08:09,021 --> 00:08:12,021
Man, Santa these nuts!

170
00:08:12,021 --> 00:08:14,021
Where was Santa
when we was in the 'hood, huh?

171
00:08:14,021 --> 00:08:16,021
Santa ain't show a nigga
no love back then.

172
00:08:16,021 --> 00:08:21,021
I didn't ask for much.
Just rims. Not even a whole car.

173
00:08:21,021 --> 00:08:23,021
And what did we get? Nothin'.

174
00:08:23,021 --> 00:08:25,021
That nigga gonna pay
what he owe.

175
00:08:39,021 --> 00:08:41,021
Merry Christmas,
Mr. Uberwitz.

176
00:08:41,021 --> 00:08:43,021
Are you here
to see Mr. Freeman?

177
00:08:43,021 --> 00:08:44,021
Uh...

178
00:08:44,021 --> 00:08:45,021
yeah.

179
00:08:45,021 --> 00:08:49,021
One second.
Mr. Uberwitz is here.

180
00:08:49,021 --> 00:08:52,021
Okay. He's just finishing up
another meeting.

181
00:08:52,021 --> 00:08:54,021
You can have a seat
in the hallway.

182
00:08:54,021 --> 00:08:56,021
Can I get you anything?

183
00:08:56,021 --> 00:08:57,021
Some water?

184
00:08:57,021 --> 00:09:00,021
No, I'm fine. Thank you.

185
00:09:02,021 --> 00:09:04,021
Huey?

186
00:09:05,021 --> 00:09:09,021
Oh, hey, Mr. Uberwitz.
This is Quincy Jones.

187
00:09:09,021 --> 00:09:11,021
I've asked him to come in
and co-produce.

188
00:09:11,021 --> 00:09:13,021
How are you, man?

189
00:09:13,021 --> 00:09:16,021
I-I-I'm good. How do--?
How do you know Huey?

190
00:09:16,021 --> 00:09:18,021
Oh, me and Huey
go way back.

191
00:09:18,021 --> 00:09:19,021
And by the way,

192
00:09:19,021 --> 00:09:21,021
I hope you're not
gonna be getting strange

193
00:09:21,021 --> 00:09:22,021
with the change
on the music budget.

194
00:09:23,021 --> 00:09:24,021
Music budget?

195
00:09:28,021 --> 00:09:29,021
What the--?

196
00:09:33,021 --> 00:09:34,021
ALL:
Hey!

197
00:09:34,021 --> 00:09:37,021
Have y'all lost
your damn minds?

198
00:09:37,021 --> 00:09:39,021
Opening night is less
than two weeks away,

199
00:09:39,021 --> 00:09:40,021
and y'all wanna party?

200
00:09:40,021 --> 00:09:42,021
We're just having
some fun.

201
00:09:42,021 --> 00:09:46,021
Fun? Do I look
like Charlie Brown?

202
00:09:46,021 --> 00:09:47,021
BOY:
No.

203
00:09:47,021 --> 00:09:50,021
Do I look like Charlie Brown?

204
00:09:50,021 --> 00:09:52,021
You know what?
All y'all are fired!

205
00:09:53,021 --> 00:09:54,021
What?
Fired?

206
00:09:54,021 --> 00:09:56,021
Did I stutter?
Beat it!

207
00:09:56,021 --> 00:09:57,021
UBERWITZ:
Huey--

208
00:09:57,021 --> 00:09:59,021
But i-it...
It's the entire cast.

209
00:09:59,021 --> 00:10:01,021
Are you sure
that's a good idea?

210
00:10:02,021 --> 00:10:03,021
Contract.

211
00:10:03,021 --> 00:10:05,021
I'm...sorry, guys.

212
00:10:05,021 --> 00:10:07,021
GIRL:
I can't believe it.

213
00:10:07,021 --> 00:10:09,021
Hey, don't be
lookin' at me.

214
00:10:09,021 --> 00:10:11,021
Don't look
at Quincy Jones.

215
00:10:11,021 --> 00:10:12,021
Quincy Jones
ain't gonna help you.

216
00:10:12,021 --> 00:10:15,021
Get your asses out. Now!

217
00:10:15,021 --> 00:10:19,021
Is there any money in the budget
for a casting director?

218
00:10:26,021 --> 00:10:27,021
That's right, Bob.

219
00:10:27,021 --> 00:10:29,021
A little bit
of the Christmas spirit

220
00:10:29,021 --> 00:10:30,021
is returning
to Woodcrest,

221
00:10:30,021 --> 00:10:33,021
as Santa Claus makes
his first appearance

222
00:10:33,021 --> 00:10:35,021
since being assaulted
by the unknown,

223
00:10:35,021 --> 00:10:38,021
but probably Arab,
Santa Stalker, one week ago.

224
00:10:39,021 --> 00:10:41,021
And you're gonna
protect me, right?

225
00:10:41,021 --> 00:10:45,021
Now, don't you worry about
a thing, Mr. Santa Claus, sir.

226
00:10:45,021 --> 00:10:46,021
I got you covered.

227
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:48,021
RUCKUS:
Now, I know

228
00:10:46,021 --> 00:10:48,021
I'm a very large man,

229
00:10:48,021 --> 00:10:51,021
but I'm a picture
of athleticism.

230
00:10:52,021 --> 00:10:54,021
Well, hello there.

231
00:10:54,021 --> 00:10:57,021
And what would you like Santa
to bring you for Christmas?

232
00:10:57,021 --> 00:10:59,021
I want a--

233
00:10:59,021 --> 00:11:02,021
Uh, Santa, you got
a red dot on your head.

234
00:11:08,021 --> 00:11:10,021
Nooooooooo!

235
00:11:14,021 --> 00:11:17,021
Ow! Goddamn!

236
00:11:17,021 --> 00:11:20,021
That had to pierce
a spleen or somethin'.

237
00:11:20,021 --> 00:11:22,021
MAN: God! Medic! Medic!

238
00:11:22,021 --> 00:11:24,021
Merry Christmas, nigga!

239
00:11:26,021 --> 00:11:29,021
Aah! Santa, why?

240
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:32,021
GIRL:
You ruined

241
00:11:29,021 --> 00:11:32,021
my childhood!

242
00:11:33,021 --> 00:11:37,021
You gonna pay
what you owe, Santa!

243
00:11:37,021 --> 00:11:39,021
You gonna pay what you owe!

244
00:11:41,021 --> 00:11:43,021
RILEY:
Running like a bitch.

245
00:11:49,021 --> 00:11:53,021
Backup. I need backup.

246
00:11:53,021 --> 00:11:56,021
I'm fat.
I can't run very fast.

247
00:11:56,021 --> 00:11:58,021
I think I'm having
a heart attack

248
00:11:58,021 --> 00:12:00,021
and a couple of light strokes.

249
00:12:05,021 --> 00:12:07,021
Merry Christmas, nigga.

250
00:12:12,021 --> 00:12:13,021
Damn.

251
00:12:27,021 --> 00:12:29,021
HUEY:
Okay, now...

252
00:12:29,021 --> 00:12:31,021
for the role
of the third wise man,

253
00:12:32,021 --> 00:12:36,021
we have Mr. Fogelbury
or Denzel Washington.

254
00:12:36,021 --> 00:12:38,021
I say, Denzel.

255
00:12:39,021 --> 00:12:40,021
Yeah, me too.

256
00:12:40,021 --> 00:12:42,021
Okay, and for the role of Mary,

257
00:12:42,021 --> 00:12:44,021
we have third-grade
science teacher,

258
00:12:44,021 --> 00:12:47,021
Mrs. Peterson
or Angela Bassett.

259
00:12:47,021 --> 00:12:50,021
Well, Mrs. Peterson gave
a serious read.

260
00:12:50,021 --> 00:12:52,021
Yeah, she sure did.

261
00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:54,021
But I say,
Angela Bassett.

262
00:12:54,021 --> 00:12:55,021
Yeah, me too.

263
00:12:56,021 --> 00:12:58,021
Guys, how do we afford

264
00:12:58,021 --> 00:13:00,021
Denzel Washington
and Angela Bassett?

265
00:13:01,021 --> 00:13:02,021
I don't know.

266
00:13:02,021 --> 00:13:04,021
Have we gotten word yet
on Will Smith's availability?

267
00:13:04,021 --> 00:13:08,021
W-whoa, whoa, whoa.
we can't afford Will Smith.

268
00:13:08,021 --> 00:13:10,021
Damn the budget!

269
00:13:10,021 --> 00:13:13,021
What we're doing is
more important than money.

270
00:13:13,021 --> 00:13:15,021
We will change Christmas

271
00:13:15,021 --> 00:13:18,021
and elementary-school theater
forever.

272
00:13:18,021 --> 00:13:19,021
But we don't have
the money.

273
00:13:22,021 --> 00:13:24,021
Contract.

274
00:14:09,021 --> 00:14:11,021
JAZMINE:
Oh, Huey.

275
00:14:11,021 --> 00:14:13,021
You've got a lunch meeting
at 11:30

276
00:14:13,021 --> 00:14:15,021
about the sound effects
for the dogfight sequence.

277
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,021
Cancel it.

278
00:14:16,021 --> 00:14:19,021
The PTA is threatening
a boycott of the play

279
00:14:19,021 --> 00:14:20,021
since you fired
all the kids.

280
00:14:21,021 --> 00:14:23,021
Don't care.

281
00:14:23,021 --> 00:14:25,021
And the principal's
in your office

282
00:14:25,021 --> 00:14:26,021
to talk about the script.

283
00:14:26,021 --> 00:14:27,021
Who?

284
00:14:27,021 --> 00:14:28,021
First of all,

285
00:14:29,021 --> 00:14:31,021
I just wanted you to know
we're thrilled with the script.

286
00:14:31,021 --> 00:14:33,021
Absolutely
fantastic.

287
00:14:33,021 --> 00:14:34,021
Brilliant.

288
00:14:34,021 --> 00:14:35,021
Wouldn't change a thing.

289
00:14:35,021 --> 00:14:36,021
We just had a couple of notes.

290
00:14:37,021 --> 00:14:38,021
One or two.

291
00:14:38,021 --> 00:14:39,021
Nothing significant.

292
00:14:39,021 --> 00:14:41,021
PRINCIPAL:
Let's see, uh, there's a typo

293
00:14:42,021 --> 00:14:43,021
on page five.

294
00:14:43,021 --> 00:14:45,021
Uh, there's a continuity problem
on page 32.

295
00:14:45,021 --> 00:14:48,021
I think that scene's
supposed to be at night.

296
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:50,021
Um, let's see, um--
Oh, yeah, um, and, uh--

297
00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:52,021
Jesus can't be black.

298
00:14:52,021 --> 00:14:54,021
What do you mean
he can't be black?

299
00:14:54,021 --> 00:14:56,021
He can't be black.

300
00:14:56,021 --> 00:14:58,021
Maybe we can make Jesus
another color.

301
00:14:58,021 --> 00:14:59,021
How 'bout white?

302
00:14:59,021 --> 00:15:00,021
But Jesus was black.

303
00:15:01,021 --> 00:15:03,021
We could probably do Italian.

304
00:15:03,021 --> 00:15:04,021
Jesus was Middle Eastern.

305
00:15:04,021 --> 00:15:06,021
In addition to Arabs,

306
00:15:06,021 --> 00:15:08,021
the Middle East has always had
many people of African descent,

307
00:15:08,021 --> 00:15:10,021
whom you would consider black.

308
00:15:10,021 --> 00:15:11,021
Sorry, can't do it.

309
00:15:12,021 --> 00:15:14,021
Oh, right. That.

310
00:15:22,021 --> 00:15:24,021
Best of luck.

311
00:15:24,021 --> 00:15:25,021
Break a leg.

312
00:15:25,021 --> 00:15:28,021
I can't wait
for opening night.

313
00:15:40,021 --> 00:15:42,021
Riley?
Jazmine.

314
00:15:42,021 --> 00:15:44,021
Riley, you came
to see Santa.

315
00:15:44,021 --> 00:15:46,021
Shh!

316
00:15:46,021 --> 00:15:49,021
: Ladies and gentlemen,

317
00:15:46,021 --> 00:15:49,021
from the North Pole,

318
00:15:49,021 --> 00:15:53,021
the reeeeal Santa Claus!

319
00:15:59,021 --> 00:16:01,021
What the hell?

320
00:16:01,021 --> 00:16:04,021
Hey, there,
pretty little white children.

321
00:16:04,021 --> 00:16:09,021
Now, look at all them precious
little vanilla-colored faces.

322
00:16:09,021 --> 00:16:11,021
I heard this was the only guy
they could find to do it.

323
00:16:11,021 --> 00:16:14,021
Now, I know y'all
think old Santa Claus

324
00:16:14,021 --> 00:16:16,021
look a little bit darker
than he used to.

325
00:16:16,021 --> 00:16:17,021
Ho, ho!

326
00:16:17,021 --> 00:16:19,021
But see, that's
just 'cause Santa Claus

327
00:16:19,021 --> 00:16:21,021
got a little bit
of re-vitiligo.

328
00:16:21,021 --> 00:16:24,021
See, that's the opposite
of what Michael Jackson got.

329
00:16:24,021 --> 00:16:27,021
Don't worry,
no Jesus juice up here.

330
00:16:27,021 --> 00:16:31,021
Come on, let's get
this show on the road.

331
00:16:31,021 --> 00:16:33,021
That's not Santa!

332
00:16:33,021 --> 00:16:35,021
Okay, who's first?

333
00:16:39,021 --> 00:16:42,021
That's not Santa.
It's an impostor!

334
00:16:42,021 --> 00:16:44,021
Beware of the false Santa!

335
00:16:44,021 --> 00:16:46,021
Kids, kids, calm down.

336
00:16:46,021 --> 00:16:49,021
Accompanying parents,
calm down as well.

337
00:16:49,021 --> 00:16:51,021
I am the real Santa Claus.

338
00:16:51,021 --> 00:16:54,021
Ho, ho, ho.
Look at my belly shake.

339
00:16:54,021 --> 00:16:57,021
The heartbreaker re-vitiligo

340
00:16:57,021 --> 00:17:01,021
is a very serious
life-threatening condition.

341
00:17:06,021 --> 00:17:09,021
Hey, I've been in show business
a long time, Huey.

342
00:17:09,021 --> 00:17:12,021
This kind of thing comes
with the territory.

343
00:17:12,021 --> 00:17:14,021
I know you'll do
the right thing.

344
00:17:21,021 --> 00:17:23,021
UBERWITZ:
Huey, it could still be

345
00:17:21,021 --> 00:17:23,021
a great play.

346
00:17:23,021 --> 00:17:26,021
We could cut a few scenes.
Make some changes to the script.

347
00:17:26,021 --> 00:17:27,021
Huey.

348
00:17:27,021 --> 00:17:30,021
We have
to put something on.

349
00:17:31,021 --> 00:17:32,021
Do what you have to do.

350
00:17:33,021 --> 00:17:35,021
Just take my name off of it.

351
00:17:35,021 --> 00:17:37,021
Won't be my vision.

352
00:17:41,021 --> 00:17:43,021
Hello.

353
00:17:43,021 --> 00:17:46,021
Yeah. Yeah, it's resolved.

354
00:17:46,021 --> 00:17:49,021
We'll be ready to put
the play on tomorrow.

355
00:17:50,021 --> 00:17:53,021
Why doesn't
the real Santa come?

356
00:17:53,021 --> 00:17:56,021
'Cause there ain't
no real Santa.

357
00:18:00,021 --> 00:18:02,021
HUEY: We all want to believe

358
00:18:00,021 --> 00:18:02,021
in miracles on Christmas.

359
00:18:12,021 --> 00:18:13,021
All of us.

360
00:18:19,021 --> 00:18:23,021
RUCKUS:
No Santa Claus?

361
00:18:23,021 --> 00:18:26,021
Well, I'd expect
a heathen nigglet like Riley

362
00:18:27,021 --> 00:18:28,021
to say something like that.

363
00:18:28,021 --> 00:18:31,021
But, Jazmine,
I'm surprised at you.

364
00:18:31,021 --> 00:18:33,021
Being a mulatto and all,

365
00:18:33,021 --> 00:18:36,021
you've supposed
to have more sense.

366
00:18:36,021 --> 00:18:37,021
Huh?

367
00:18:37,021 --> 00:18:39,021
I'm Special Agent Ruckus.

368
00:18:39,021 --> 00:18:40,021
Shh!

369
00:18:40,021 --> 00:18:43,021
Volunteer Santa Security.

370
00:18:44,021 --> 00:18:46,021
Santa has reason to believe

371
00:18:46,021 --> 00:18:48,021
that your little
jungle friend Riley

372
00:18:48,021 --> 00:18:51,021
may be the Santa Stalker.

373
00:18:51,021 --> 00:18:55,021
That makes perfect sense.

374
00:18:55,021 --> 00:18:57,021
Mm-hm. Santa couldn't
come this year.

375
00:18:57,021 --> 00:18:59,021
Just wasn't safe.

376
00:18:59,021 --> 00:19:01,021
Maybe next year.

377
00:19:01,021 --> 00:19:05,021
So...he's real?

378
00:19:05,021 --> 00:19:09,021
Real as the Irish blood
charging through my veins.

379
00:19:09,021 --> 00:19:11,021
HUEY: But Christmas miracles

380
00:19:09,021 --> 00:19:11,021
only happen

381
00:19:12,021 --> 00:19:14,021
in the lies adults tell to children.

382
00:19:16,021 --> 00:19:19,021
And maybe in Christmas specials.

383
00:19:20,021 --> 00:19:23,021
Mr. Uberwitz put on the play as scheduled.

384
00:19:23,021 --> 00:19:25,021
Not a single word was changed.

385
00:19:39,021 --> 00:19:41,021
And so, by some miracle,

386
00:19:41,021 --> 00:19:44,021
the world saw my vision that night.

387
00:19:44,021 --> 00:19:45,021
The Adventures of Black Jesus

388
00:19:45,021 --> 00:19:48,021
received a 20-minute standing ovation.

389
00:19:48,021 --> 00:19:51,021
It was called "a stunning revolution in theatre"

390
00:19:51,021 --> 00:19:52,021
by the  Woodcrest Post Gazette.

391
00:19:53,021 --> 00:19:57,021
Unfortunately, the PTA protest had gained some ground.

392
00:19:57,021 --> 00:20:00,021
Seems that people didn't care about my vision.

393
00:20:00,021 --> 00:20:03,021
They cared about seeing their kids on stage.

394
00:20:03,021 --> 00:20:04,021
Who knew?

395
00:20:04,021 --> 00:20:06,021
JAZMINE:
Yay, Huey!

396
00:20:06,021 --> 00:20:08,021
Yay!

397
00:20:10,021 --> 00:20:13,021
Mr. Uberwitz was fired for disobeying orders

398
00:20:14,021 --> 00:20:16,021
and for generally being an irresponsible white person.

399
00:20:16,021 --> 00:20:18,021
UBERWITZ: Harambee!

400
00:20:19,021 --> 00:20:19,021
ALL: Harambee!

401
00:20:20,021 --> 00:20:21,021
Harambee!

402
00:20:21,021 --> 00:20:22,021
ALL: Harambee!

403
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:24,021
HUEY:  ■ He would later become

404
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:24,021
a professor

405
00:20:24,021 --> 00:20:27,021
of African American Studies at the University of Maryland.

406
00:20:30,021 --> 00:20:33,021
No video exists of the one-time-only performance

407
00:20:33,021 --> 00:20:35,021
of  The Adventures
of Black Jesus.

408
00:20:36,021 --> 00:20:39,021
Just as well. I hate looking at my old work.

409
00:20:45,021 --> 00:20:46,021
Ahhh!

410
00:20:48,021 --> 00:20:51,021
I heard you work for Santa.

411
00:20:51,021 --> 00:20:52,021
I got a message for him.

412
00:20:53,021 --> 00:20:55,021
Tell him Riley said,

413
00:20:55,021 --> 00:20:58,021
I'll be waiting for his ass
next Christmas.

414
00:20:58,021 --> 00:21:00,021
And that nigga better pay
what he owe!

415
00:21:01,021 --> 00:21:02,021
Ow!