GRANDDAD:
Mmm.
Riley, get the door.
Granddad, is this the broccoli I bought at the store today?
Yep, I cooked it up for you.
Oh, you cooked it with the ham!
It's pork-flavored broccoli.
Granddad, there's more pork in the pork-flavored broccoli
than there is broccoli.
We talked about this.
Vegetables cooked with pork... counts as pork.
TOM: Hey.
Do I smell pork-flavored broccoli?
Hey, everyone. Mwah.
I brought peach cobbler.
Ewwww.
Miss Dubois,
your peach cobbler look like throw up.
GRANDDAD: Boy!
It do! Look!
It look like throw up with peas in it.
Miss Dubois, you been eatin' peas?
Boy, what is wrong with you?
What's wrong with me? What's wrong with her?
She the one who brought vomit
over here in a Tupperware container.
That is not vomit!
It just look like vomit.
Now apologize to Miss Dubois.
Um, i-it-- It's okay.
Really.
Fine.
Miss Dubois, I'm sorry
your peach cobbler look like vomit with peas.
Damn it, boy!
Guys, please. We don't have to--
I don't care if you beat me, Granddad.
I won't eat it!
That is disgustin'!
It's completely uncalled for!
GRANDDAD: You'll eat it
if I have to shove it down your throat!
Really, I didn't mean for it to be--
I-I know what you tryin' to do!
You tryin' to kill me!
I hate you!
You are gonna eat that cobbler!
And you're gonna act like you like it!
RILEY: I don't wanna eat
the cobbler!
Best meal I've had in years, Robert.
What's this called?
I call it Granddad's pork swine delight.
It consists of two pig knuckles glazed in honey.
Pig tongue marinated in butter for two days.
Chitlins--
That's pig intestines
for y'all that don't know.
--soaked in hot sauce,
drizzled with mayonnaise,
and then set to harden
on my back porch
in 3 pounds of cheddar cheese.
Mommy?
I'm sleepy.
Oh, don't worry about that, little baby.
That's just "the itis."
The what?
The itis.
That's what you call it
when you get sleepy after a big meal.
The itis?
You know, Robert,
I own a little health food spot near Meadowlark Park.
Great location,
but the food tastes like hot armpit on wheat bread.
I've been thinking about making a change.
You interested?
My own restaurant.
Mm-hm.
Uh...
That's a great idea, Robert.
You know what's even a better idea is
a lounge singer.
I sing, Robert.
I could...
I could sing to the people while they--
RILEY: It should have beds
instead of tables--
--so after people eat,
they could just pass out.
Good idea.
We should get together tomorrow and talk.
My own r-restra...
Huey, you handle the dishes.
WUNCLER: I'm telling you, Robert,
this is the best location in Woodcrest.
I own all the businesses on this block.
Everything except Meadowlark Memorial Park.
I've been trying to buy that park for years,
but the state is trying to buttfuck me on the price.
But we'll see who buttfucks who.
Wow.
I didn't know Meadowlark Lemon died.
Who's Meadowlark Lemon?
I found that the whole health-food thing
attracts the wrong kind of crowd.
Hello, Mr. Wuncler.
Hello.
Cutie pie, hello.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Would you like to sign our petition to get
more humane treatment for immigrant workers?
If you don't get that bullshit
out of my face, bitch...
Chico, take an order.
Ah, sí, señor.
Seventeen pigs,
75 pounds of butter,
one and a half tons of grease.
Sound like a good start?
Mm-hm.
I need to be thinking urban.
More Negro.
The black thing.
That's what's happening now with the kids.
Mm-hm.
Eh.
Everyone, listen up.
I'd like to introduce you to my new partner,
Robert Free-man.
We're going to be opening a soul-food restaurant together.
MAN: Hey, all right. MAN 2: Oh, soul food!
Okay, so...
you...are all fired.
ALL: Ooh.
WUNCLER: Everyone else,
I hate your kind.
Never come back.
Congratulations, Robert. This is gonna be great.
Uh, Señor Wuncler. Are we fired too?
Not the Mexicans.
I'm half Mexican.
WUNCLER: Not the illegal Mexicans.
ILLEGAL MEXICANS: ¡Olé!
GRANDDAD: Mm-hm.
I present to you "The Luther."
A full-pound burger patty covered in cheese,
grilled onion, five strips of bacon,
all sandwiched between--
Two doughnuts!
Two Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
It's called the Luther
because it was supposed to have been invented
by Mr. Luther Vandross himself.
Luther Vandross is dead.
And? What's your point?
Hm?
Is this one of your menus?
Sausage and waffle and fried chicken
breakfast lasagna?
Yep.
Bacon-wrapped chitlin-stuffed catfish?
Granddad, you can't serve this kind of food to people.
It'll cause...death.
Whoa.
This is what crack must feel like.
Shame on you, Huey.
Move out to the suburbs,
and suddenly you too good for soul food.
Perhaps you would enjoy a spot of cheese
and a buttered scone, white boy.
Boy? Boy, are you okay?
I'm sure it's just the itis, right?
That or insulin shock.
Do CPR.
Riley, wake up!
Yeah, I'm not sure yellin' at him
is gonna help, Granddad.
How do you not know CPR?
I tried to learn CPR,
but they wouldn't let me.
'Cause I was black.
What?
Nowadays, y'all run around and learn CPR
whenever y'all want to.
Just go around savin' lives,
resuscitatin' each other willy-nilly.
But when I was a young man,
it used to be against the law
to teach colored folks CPR, okay?
Man, that's not true!
Granddad...
is that you?
Oh, boy,
I thought we lost you there for a second.
How was the Luther?
Best...thing...ever.
Sounds like an endorsement to me.
Now, look at y'all. Just purty as a couple can be.
How many in your party?
Just us.
And how long of a nap
will you be takin'?
Well, we were thinking maybe 45 minutes.
That's just great.
Head on in.
MAN: Tonight is pork-produced sushi.
Hold on to your wasabi
as we take you to a super-exclusive
grand opening of The Itis!
A new place to see or be seen in Woodcrest.
With the maître d'
who might be causing all the ruckus,
Uncle Ruckus.
En français, my good man.
That's Uncle "Rue-kue."
It's French.
I'm part French and Cherokee Indian,
with just a splish-splash of Irish.
I-I know Irish.
Sometimes I drink Hennessy, and I make booty calls!
All right, Rue-Kue.
What's Robert Freeman's secret?
Well, let me just say this here.
If there's one thing that a colored man is good at,
it's cookin' a pig.
There you have it--
That ain't to say a white man
couldn't cook a pig better.
His big brain just focused on more important things,
like runnin' the world and spaceships.
Ladies and gentlemen,
oh, you're such a wonderful crowd.
My name is Tommy D, hip-hop lounge singer,
and I'll be providing
your listening pleasure this evening.
And right now, I'd like to slow it on down
with my main man, Biz Markie.
With your mouth, Biz
HUEY: Excuse me, brother.
Mind if I have a word with you
about some of the so-called
"food" you're servin' this evenin'?
TOM:
And here's the man himself.
Robert, these two ladies wanted to meet
the man behind The Itis.
Well!
Hello there, cutie pie.
Hi.
My name is Janet,
and I just can't begin to tell you
how fantastic your food is.
GRANDDAD: Oh.
Thank you, kindly.
With your...
Biz.
Yeah.
Listen, I don't want to keep you,
but I'm sure that you will be seeing a lot more of me.
Bitches love free food, Robert.
MAN: Oh, my God!
GRANDDAD: Hey, where you goin'?
Bed four needs more bacon.
What did you tell him? What's behind your back?
Elijah Muhammad's "How to Eat to Live."
I knew it!
Just what joy do you get
out of trying to crush all of my dreams, Huey?
Do you know how long I've wanted
to own my own restaurant?
Three weeks, at Sunday dinner.
That was the first time you mentioned it,
and you only started doin' the stupid Sunday dinner thing
because you saw Soul Food on cable.
HUEY: We're gonna pause this
for the benefit of all y'all who never saw Soul Food.
Soul Food is a movie
about a big, humongous black grandmother,
aptly named Big Mama.
Big Mama demonstrates her love
by feeding herself and her offspring
enormous amounts of pig lard.
Then--
Get this.
--Big Mama's arteries are so clogged,
they gotta amputate her arm.
GRANDDAD: It was her leg!
HUEY: Right. Okay, whatever. Leg.
Then she dies of a heart attack.
Or another stroke or somethin'.
MAN: God called her home.
HUEY: And what does the family do
after she dies?
They get together for a Sunday dinner
and eat the same food that just killed Big Mama.
The same food!
They didn't learn a lesson. Nobody went on a diet.
And that's the end of the movie.
Sunday dinners was my idea. They got that from me.
Something wrong?
Look, Ed,
I'm sorry.
We just lost a waiter, a-and...
Robert, relax.
Look around.
Well, I still have to replace that waiter.
Ugh.
Wha--
HUEY: What people soon discovered
was that Granddad's food was as addictive as it was tasty.
The restaurant was booked solid around the clock.
People started to show up late for work.
Others stopped going to work altogether.
Jobs were lost.
The Itis addicts who couldn't afford the beds
moved into Meadowlark Park.
Without jobs,
they turned to crime to feed their habit.
A month after The Itis opened,
Meadowlark Park had its first mugging.
No, no!
Stop! Stop! Give me that!
Hello?
911?
I've been mugged!
It took 3 hours for the police to arrive.
This was officially a bad neighborhood.
Ow!
You bitch!
Oh, you--
Stay away from my food!
GRANDDAD: Whoa, whoa! Hey!
Don't damage the floor!
WOMAN: Hey, Granddaddy,
it's me,
Hey! Janet.
We met on opening night.
Damn!
What happened to you?
Look, I was just wondering
if I could get a quick Luther burger.
Hey, come on, get off me!
Please. Look, just one.
What's wrong with you, woman?
Hey, get off my leg!
You got one in that bag, don't you?!
Please, Granddaddy. I'll do anything!
Then take the damn thing!
GRANDDAD: Damn!
That was my dinner.
Don't worry about last night.
We'll get you some security.
This ain't exactly
the best neighborhood anymore,
but we have a bigger problem.
We're losing money because you're not getting
these people out of here fast enough.
Like him.
Get your ass up,
or pay for another hour in the bed! Now!
I can't...
Chico!
Oh, God.
There.
Look like a bed just opened up.
Check this out.
I had Chico modify the bed
like the Mexicans do with their cars.
They call it...
"hydraulics."
Watch this.
Let's see.
Um, this is my first time here,
but all my friends rave about it.
What's good?
Oh, everything here will kill you.
Run.
Fine.
You wanna keep playin' around?
Now, you can wash the dishes.
Granddad, look what you've done to this community.
It's not that bad.
Not that bad?
This place used to sit
between a coffee shop and a day spa.
Now, there's a liquor store and a damn Foot Locker.
This food is destructive.
This food is your culture.
Then the culture is destructive.
CHICO: He's right,
Señor Freeman.
All African-American slaves had to eat
was the parts of the pigs
the slaves' masters wouldn't eat,
but that was a survival technique, ese.
They didn't really have a choice.
I don't think people are supposed to eat this stuff.
Or, at least, not so much.
What?
I can't take an Afro-American Studies class
at the community college?
Well, nobody asked you, Chico.
This is my restaurant,
and we'll serve the food that I wanna serve, señor.
Actually, it's my restaurant,
and it's shutting down.
Sorry, Robert.
It was fun while it lasted.
But, uh, w-what happened?
HUEY: Granddad learned white people
had their own survival techniques.
They call it "litigation."
Janet O'Siren had gone from this,
to this...
and back to this,
with the help of two liposuctions
and emergency gastrointestinal surgery.
We want half a million for medical bills
and 4 million in emotional damages.
We'll pay her insurance deductible.
Deal.
And, um-- Ahem.
--one last Luther burger.
Chico!
Wuncler feared it would be
the first of many lawsuits against The Itis.
Granddad's restaurant was no more.
Mmm, mmm! Oh!
This isn't fair.
The people liked this restaurant,
and they liked me.
I never wanted to hurt anybody.
Janet, are you okay?
I think she's having a heart attack.
I believe our business is done.
Have a nice day.
Call me later, Robert.
Hello.
911?
My client's having a heart attack.
They're not gonna come.
Yes. We're on the corner of, um, uh,
Cherry Street and-- And Fifth.
Right across from Meadowlark Park.
Hello?
Told you.
Don't you know CPR?
I'm a lawyer. We don't help people.
What about you guys? Don't you know CPR?
GRANDDAD: So I told him,
they wouldn't even teach black people CPR
when I was young.
HUEY: We still do the Sunday dinners.
I think Granddad just likes being popular.
But we do switch up the menu from week to week.
It's somethin'.
So, what happened?
Chico saved her.
Eh. I took a class.
And after this meal, nobody passed out.
If you'll excuse me.
Robert, may I use--?
WUNCLER: Bathroom's upstairs, right?
GRANDDAD: Huey!
Take care of the dishes, okay?
Don't anybody go in the bathroom
for 35 or 45 minutes.
Whew!
Open the window!