* I am the stone The builder refused *
* I am the visual The inspiration *
* That made lady Sing the blues *
* I'm the spark That makes your idea bright *
* The same spark That lights the dark *
* So that you can know Left from right *
* I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun *
* The inner glow That lets you know *
* To call your brother sun *
* The story that just begun *
* The promise Of what's to come *
* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *
* Till the war is won Won *
* Chop, chop, chop Judo flip *
* Chop, chop, chop *
MAN: I admit, I am envious of you.
In China, if you lose $20 billion, they shoot you.
Here, they give you another $20 billion.
[CHUCKLES]
Amusing.
Our kickball team is very formidable this year.
My granddaughter Ming is the team captain.
I am hoping it will be an epic contest.
No offense to your granddaughter, Mr. Long Do,
but our team shits on your team.
[LAUGHS]
We'll see.
I hate to spoil such a beautiful day with such a close friend
talking about the unpleasantness of business.
However, my associates are getting nervous.
We need our money. All of it.
[COUGHS]
That's not possible.
Unfortunate.
Now, Mr. Do, I'm sure we can find another way
to work this out.
I'm listening.
Say, how's your gambling addiction?
Much better.
Now.
I'm never playing kickball again.
Come on, boy, you have to do this.
Ed Wuncler asked for you by name.
It's because of him I quit the game in the first place
and gave Jennifer Herman a permanent severe limp.
Look, nobody needs to be reminded of that tragic day
when you gave that girl a permanent severe limp.
It was the Junior League Championship
against Wuncler's team, and Ed had paid off the refs.
And, oh, you guys were losing bad.
It was a blowout.
There were calling him the Tiger Woods of kickball,
before the wife-cheating thing.
Now they just call him "loser."
[ALL BOOING] MAN: Huey, you suck!
WOMAN: You suck!
GRANDDAD: The crowd started laughing,
and we all know you don't like to be laughed at.
And you snapped.
You went crazy.
[GRUNTS]
ANNOUNCER: Freeman has hit her with the pitch.
Oh, the horror.
And believe me, folks, this was no accident.
He meant to do that.
If that girl is still alive,
she will undoubtedly have a permanent and severe limp.
[GROANING]
ANNOUNCER: One thing is certain:
She will never play kickball again.
And neither should Huey Freeman.
Well, too bad. Ed Wuncler owns everything,
including the bank that owns this house,
and he just got $20 billion in bailout money.
And I'm trying to be his best friend.
If Ed Wuncler tells me to jump, I'm gonna say how high,
and throw your ass in the air.
I'm not gonna play.
Okay, fine.
If you don't wanna play, you don't wanna play.
Ed, here he is as promised. Now get over here, boy.
[LAUGHS]
Good job, Robert.
I'll remember this when I do my Christmas yacht shopping.
GRANDDAD: Yeah, boy!
WUNCLER: Now Huey,
the Wushung/Woodcrest Junior/Senior
Harmonious Kickball Tournament is the greatest
kickball competition in the history of the sport.
One hundred and twenty-nine years ago,
my great-great Grandpa Prescott Rothschild Wuncler
sailed to Wushung, China.
The local monks had invented a game similar to baseball,
except it involved a red rubber ball and a lot of kicking.
He originally called it "Jap baseball"
because he didn't know what country he was in
and didn't care.
He brought the sport back to America,
where the liberal PC bitch-asses
renamed it "kickball."
Today, in the spirit of harmony between our two cities,
we alternate hosting a kickball tournament
known as the Wushung/Woodcrest Junior/Senior
Harmonious Kickball Tournament.
HUEY: There's no way I'm playing.
Because of you, I gave a girl a permanent limp.
Oh, really?
This little girl?
[***]
That's right, Huey. Jennifer can walk just fine.
Hit it, Jenny.
You were dominating the entire Woodcrest Junior League,
and I couldn't have that.
I made up the story about Jennifer's permanent limp,
correctly assuming the emotional trauma of the event
would make you quit the game.
But now I need to win this game against the Chinese.
You were willing to scar me for life over a kickball game?
But that's how good of an opponent you were.
But this game is bigger than you and me, Huey.
I present the Woodcrest Harmonious kickball team.
First, courtesy of Blackwater USA, the senior squad...
HUEY: Mercenaries?
They prefer the term "private kickball contractors."
And this is the junior squad?
WUNCLER: The best the Dominican Republic has to offer.
As you can see, I've spared no expense for victory.
[JUNIOR TEAM CHEERING]
It's the greatest junior/senior kickball team ever assembled.
Tell me you don't want to be part of kickball history.
I don't want to be a part of kickball history.
I'm not making a request. I'm prepared to blackmail you
with a picture of you wearing Kanye West Venetian sunglasses,
nut-hugger jeans and Louis Vuitton driving shoes.
That's Photoshopped.
Explain that to media takeout.
I'll risk it.
WUNCLER: All right, Huey.
I'm not a fan of the truth,
but here it is:
The Chinese are calling in some debts
and I had to bet everything on this game.
My banks, your home, everything.
You think I'm bad, just wait until the Chinese
take away all the freedoms you enjoy.
Freedom to complain.
Freedom to have as many offspring and assault rifles
as you like.
The freedom to surf the Internet
for pornography of your choice.
Not the porn. I'll risk it.
No yacht for you.
[SIGHS]
[***]
You are the one who quit the game.
You must have me mistaken for somebody else.
You were a great player. Why did you quit?
Why will you not play in the Harmonious Kickball Tournament?
What's it matter to you?
My name is Ming.
I am captain of the Wushung Harmonious Junior/Senior
kickball team.
Even before I was born,
it was decided I would be a champion kickball player.
At 3 years old I was taken to the National Kickball
Training Center outside of Beijing.
I trained every day and every night to be the best.
My grandfather says to control the ball,
I must control myself.
But just me and the ball alone is no kickball.
Without a worthy opponent, I nothing.
We must have the ultimate contest
to settle once and for all who is the best.
Like I said, you have me mistaken for somebody else.
[***]
I'll play.
But I'm not interested in your ultimate contest.
It's just a simple game of kickball.
So you decided to come fight for freedom?
Well, you made the right choice.
All right, bring it in.
A few minutes ago,
in a gross violation of my civil liberties,
the INS repossessed the five Dominican players
from the junior squad of the Woodcrest Harmonious
kickball team.
We must immediately find a replacement for these players.
I'm now exploring the possibility of child soldiers
from Sierra Leone, but they may not get here in...
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING] Huh?
Say again? Affirmative, we're on our way.
Come on, guys, that's us. Moving out! Moving out!
[***]
What's going on? Sorry, Mr. Wuncler.
POW rescue in Afghanistan. Wait! Wait!
Goddamn it! Fuck the POW.
You are staying here and playing kickball.
[GROANS]
Well, team captain,
you've got two days to assemble a new team.
Team captain?
GRANDDAD: Yep, new team, no problem, Mr. Wuncler.
We're on it.
[***]
Who the fuck are you?
I am Jigme. I come from Tibet.
I want to defeat the Chinese oppressors in kickball.
Why? I hate fucking Chinese.
I'd like a word with you in private.
This team is pathetic.
They don't stand a chance against the Chinese.
Not one single goddamn shot in hell.
It'll be an embarrassment they'll never, ever live down
for the rest of their miserable lives until they die.
You know what one of these balls can do to a human body?
They'll get torn to pieces. Ripped to shreds.
Some may even lose control of their bowels.
By the third inning they'll be pissing and shitting
on themselves right in front of their friends and loved ones.
It's gonna be flat-out fucking terrible.
We must find some better athletes.
This is what you got.
[SIGHS]
I want to say a few words to everybody here
about victory.
Unfortunately there's absolutely no time to train you people.
But I have bought each of you a brand-new pair of sneakers.
These shoes were handmade
with the youngest Chinese sweatshop labor we could find.
Wear them with pride.
I'm gonna be like, "Take this, you yellow rat bastard."
[GRUNTS]
Motherfucker!
Greetings, friends. Forgive our intrusion.
We came to wish you luck in tomorrow's game.
I look forward to an unforgettable contest.
[LAUGHS]
Give them their ball back.
GRANDDAD: Damn.
[CROWS SQUAWKING]
[TREE CRASHES]
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]: Welcome, sports fans,
to the 43rd biannual Wushung/Woodcrest Junior/Senior
Harmonious Kickball Tournament.
Both teams on the field and already there seems to be
some type of trouble.
Seems like the owner of the Wushung team
is accusing one of the Woodcrest players
of being a ringer. The rules say
any player must be a resident of Wushung or Woodcrest.
He is absolutely a resident.
Here is his hot Caucasian wife and half-Asian baby.
ANNOUNCER: And now the Woodcrest team is making a complaint.
Looks like the Wushung team has one too many adult members.
Everybody knows Junior/Senior Tournament rules
say the roster must have an equal number
of kids and adults.
Dolo is strong and healthy like many kids in China,
but I assure you he is only 12 years old.
Here is the official keeper of government records
to verify that fact.
ANNOUNCER: Heh! Looks like the ref
is gonna let it slide. Tough break for the home team.
Play kickball.
[CROWD CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: Huey Freeman on the mound.
There is a lot of excitement about this young man's return
to the sport of kickball.
Little Ming Do steps up to the plate.
What a treat to see these two titans of the game
face off against one another.
Let's go, Huey!
Show them what's good, Huey!
ANNOUNCER: Huey looks absolutely determined out there folks...
Oh! Hello! And goodbye!
And that one is out of here. Not a good start for Freeman.
You suck, Huey!
You worthless motherfucker.
ANNOUNCER: Next kicker is Lily Chang,
a 73-year-old retired farm worker with diabetes.
Folks, she's experiencing complete kidney failure.
Hasn't peed in three years.
This might just be the warm-up that Freeman needs.
And here's the pitch.
[GRUNTS]
ANNOUNCER: Oh, mother!
What the hell do you call this?
I'm trying, all right? Get your shit together.
Kicker up.
ANNOUNCER: Huey's not having the best
day of his life here today, folks.
Let's see if he can't get it together.
Strike! Throws one and strike.
And another strike.
Huey Freeman is getting that pitching arm warmed up now,
and that is two back-to-back strikeouts.
[ALL GROAN]
ANNOUNCER: Dolo steps up to the plate.
And we've been waiting for this matchup all day and...
Oh, look at that!
That's gonna leave a mark...
in his pants. Damn!
Good job, boy. This game is more important than you.
Someone get him some Demerol.
And make sure it's the good stuff.
ANNOUNCER: In the kicker's box right now
is Huey Freeman, the pride of Woodcrest.
Yeah!
ANNOUNCER: Everyone's cheering. Here he goes.
He locks in and the ball is coming up...
He's got a... Little bit girly,
but it'll get the job done.
[ALL CHEERING]
Next up is Riley Freeman.
Wait a min... Hold on, what's this?
Oh, my. His first time at the plate
and he's calling a home run.
And Ming lets go with a fireball.
Riley's got his eye...
Strike!
Strike two!
Strike three!
Good grief.
[CROWD BOOING]
ANNOUNCER: Tom's up. He's getting a good stretch on.
We don't expect a whole lot out of this Tom guy, but...
[ALL CHEERING]
ANNOUNCER: Apologizing here.
Tom is really putting this relay right back to Ming.
She locks in, Tom is in midst of celebration.
He can do no wrong.
Oh, looks like it's lights out for Tom.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Folks, Ming is really giving the crowd here
quite a lesson in kickball today.
Mr. Freeman steps up.
He's gonna give it all he's got.
And he does give it all he's got,
which frankly just is not a lot.
Quite anemic,
but Mr. Freeman's gonna make it to first base soon as he can.
Looks like he's gonna take one of those
"old people walking around the mall" leisurely strolls.
I'm out. Yep, I'm out.
[CROWD BOOS]
ANNOUNCER: There he goes.
Lights out for the old man. You're out!
ANNOUNCER: These folks are giving the Americans quite a schooling.
We got an easy out now and the ball...
Oh, looks like we don't have an easy out.
I don't know what's going on here,
but this American team has lost its wheels.
Now they got a hit, we got a runner,
he's being pelted with shoes.
Nice tennis shoes, by the way.
Probably made by tiny little hands in a Chinese factory.
Now the Chinese have...
Now that... Okay, that is just wrong.
Now that is three-on-one, and that's horrible.
Just what the hell do you think you're doing?
I paid you good money for this game.
Yeah? So did he.
I'll take the Chinese money.
WUNCLER: Listen, I don't care the refs are cheating.
We cannot lose this game. The stakes are too high.
Well, who bet the whole town on a kickball game?
Okay, maybe it was a wrong decision
to bet all of our economic futures on a kickball game,
but we're Americans.
We don't quit just because we're wrong.
We just keep doing the wrong thing until it turns out right.
This is stupid. I'm going home.
What about them, Huey?
Your teammates. You got them into this.
Now you're turning your back on them?
We gotta make the motherfuckers pay.
Come on, I don't want to play no more neither,
but we can't go out like a bunch of little bitches.
Granddad? I'm trying to save my house
and my big-titty porn.
It's up to you, Huey.
The sooner you stop holding back
and decide to play like a winner,
the sooner we can all go home.
ANNOUNCER: Woodcrest really needs something
happening for them today, because this Chinese team
is really owning their a... Oh!
[GRUNTS]
[CROWD CHEERS] ANNOUNCER: Now we're talking!
That's the Huey Freeman this city has fallen in love with
and feared slightly too, I gotta admit that.
Folks, we got us a game all of a sudden here.
[***]
[GRUNTS]
Folks, we're ready to get back into the action here,
but there's no ref.
[CROWD MURMURING]
So this is it.
This is your ultimate contest?
In China, there is this place.
I've never seen it, but I know it exists.
It is called the Glorious Sports Rehabilitation Center.
But really it's a prison camp for athletes
who have shamed their country by losing.
My grandfather told me if I disgrace him with failure,
he will send me there.
I too dream of the day
I can walk away from this game forever.
I am not as lucky as you
to have that choice.
To live in America.
LONG DO: Ming! [GASPS]
Tragically, we've just received word
that the ref strangled himself,
jumped off a bridge, then overdosed on amphetamines.
Oh, send my condolences to his family.
But fortunately, we've found a completely fair
and impartial replacement.
Hey, there, Chairman Mao.
[SPEAKING MOCK CHINESE]
Open up your eyes and let's play some Jap baseball.
ANNOUNCER: Freeman on the mound,
and he must really be feeling the pressure right now.
[GRUNTS]
Freeman gives up a base kick
on what should have been an easy strike-out.
[ALL GROAN]
ANNOUNCER: What is going on?
Freeman is giving up several crucial base kicks.
[IN CHINESE] Hey, why does the big-haired kid
suck ass all of a sudden?
[IN CHINESE] Ming told him if we lose,
we all go to a prison camp!
[BOTH LAUGH]
He believed that? What a stupid idiot.
[LAUGHING]
What a dick. He's an enormous asshole.
[SPEAKING IN CHINESE] I do not like to be laughed at.
Eh?
Hey, did he just...?
[CROWD GASPS]
ANNOUNCER: And a brutal kick
takes out the first base runner.
Both y'all is out.
Or as they say in your language:
[SPEAKING MOCK CHINESE]
Yellow nigga.
ANNOUNCER: Unbelievable.
We are looking at an altogether different type
of kickball game here today.
Huey with an up in the air over, over and... Oh!
Wow!
[LAUGHS]
Take your base.
No? Well, dock this Chink a day's pay
for napping on the job.
Oh! Take your base.
ANNOUNCER: Oh, my God.
I've never seen moves like this before.
[ALL BOOING]
[GRUNTS]
ANNOUNCER: This isn't kickball,
it's a complete free-for-all.
And neither the coaches nor the referee seem to care.
[INAUDIBLE]
Hold on, hold on.
Your money ain't worth shit to me,
so don't waste your cat-flavored breath.
Get on your rickshaw and get out of here.
[CROWD CHEERS]
ANNOUNCER: Into the final inning
the score is now tied 8 to 8.
Both teams down to a single player,
and years from now people will ask of this game,
did it happen?
And I say to you now, oh, yes. Yes, it did.
[CROWD SINGING "AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL"]
* America, America *
* God shed his grace on thee *
* And crown thy good With brotherhood *
* From sea to shining sea *
[***]
[SCREAMS] [SCREAMS]
[SHRIEKS]
[BONE CRACKS]
[CROWD GASPS]
ANNOUNCER: Wait a minute!
They have literally destroyed the ball.
And those red balls are indestructible.
Wait. Wait.
ANNOUNCER: And look at the determination.
Ming trying to crawl to first base.
But what is this? [GROANS]
Freeman is on his feet.
He's going to tag her out
with the smoldering remains of the ball.
[***]
[MING GROANS]
You out, little girl.
[ALL CHEER] ANNOUNCER: And Woodcrest wins!
It's all over!
Folks, what a moment in history!
[GROANS]
LONG DO: Ming. Are you okay?
[AMBULANCE RADIO CHATTERING]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[SIREN BLARES]
A deal's a deal, Long.
Of course. I am not saddened at my loss.
There are not many worthy opponents left, my old friend.
What fun would it be if the game were to end for good?
Congratulations, Mr. Wuncler, sir.
Your great white leadership made all the difference in the world.
Now what should we do about them?
[ALL GROANING] RILEY: Oh, my pancreas hurts.
Let them bask in the moment.
We beat those yellow motherfuckers.
Mission accomplished.
Yeah, we ain't go out like no bitches.
Even though the people of Tibet are still not free,
as symbolic victories go, this ain't bad.
RILEY: I think Ms. Von Hausen might be dead.
GRANDDAD: Whoo! Let's go home
and order some Chinese. [HUEY SIGHS]
GRANDDAD: Unless you're not in the mood for Chinese.
[***]