1
00:00:01,478 --> 00:00:03,045
* I am the stone
The builder refused *
2
00:00:03,045 --> 00:00:04,511
* I am the visual
The inspiration *
3
00:00:04,511 --> 00:00:05,978
* That made lady
Sing the blues *
4
00:00:05,978 --> 00:00:07,878
* I'm the spark
That makes your idea bright *
5
00:00:07,878 --> 00:00:09,478
* The same spark
That lights the dark *
6
00:00:09,478 --> 00:00:11,211
* So that you can know
Left from right *
7
00:00:11,211 --> 00:00:13,444
* I am the ballot in your box
The bullet in the gun *
8
00:00:13,444 --> 00:00:14,945
* The inner glow
That lets you know *
9
00:00:14,945 --> 00:00:16,177
* To call your brother sun *
10
00:00:16,177 --> 00:00:17,478
* The story that just begun *
11
00:00:17,478 --> 00:00:18,845
* The promise
Of what's to come *
12
00:00:18,845 --> 00:00:20,045
* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *
13
00:00:20,045 --> 00:00:21,978
* Till the war is won
Won *
14
00:00:21,978 --> 00:00:24,611
* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *
15
00:00:24,611 --> 00:00:27,277
* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *
16
00:00:27,277 --> 00:00:29,878
* Chop, chop, chop
Judo flip *
17
00:00:29,878 --> 00:00:31,244
* Chop, chop, chop *
18
00:00:33,679 --> 00:00:36,546
MAN:
I admit, I am envious of you.
19
00:00:36,546 --> 00:00:41,746
In China, if you lose
$20 billion, they shoot you.
20
00:00:41,746 --> 00:00:44,980
Here, they give you another
$20 billion.
21
00:00:44,980 --> 00:00:46,379
[CHUCKLES]
22
00:00:46,379 --> 00:00:47,946
Amusing.
23
00:00:47,946 --> 00:00:51,145
Our kickball team
is very formidable this year.
24
00:00:51,145 --> 00:00:53,946
My granddaughter Ming
is the team captain.
25
00:00:53,946 --> 00:00:56,346
I am hoping it will be
an epic contest.
26
00:00:56,346 --> 00:00:59,513
No offense to your
granddaughter, Mr. Long Do,
27
00:00:59,513 --> 00:01:02,446
but our team
shits on your team.
28
00:01:02,446 --> 00:01:03,479
[LAUGHS]
29
00:01:03,479 --> 00:01:06,079
We'll see.
30
00:01:06,079 --> 00:01:10,246
I hate to spoil such a beautiful
day with such a close friend
31
00:01:10,246 --> 00:01:13,279
talking about the unpleasantness
of business.
32
00:01:13,279 --> 00:01:17,246
However, my associates
are getting nervous.
33
00:01:17,246 --> 00:01:21,279
We need our money.
All of it.
34
00:01:21,279 --> 00:01:22,946
[COUGHS]
35
00:01:22,946 --> 00:01:24,946
That's not possible.
36
00:01:24,946 --> 00:01:26,946
Unfortunate.
37
00:01:29,546 --> 00:01:32,579
Now, Mr. Do, I'm sure we can
find another way
38
00:01:32,579 --> 00:01:33,613
to work this out.
39
00:01:33,613 --> 00:01:35,980
I'm listening.
40
00:01:35,980 --> 00:01:38,646
Say, how's your gambling
addiction?
41
00:01:38,646 --> 00:01:40,713
Much better.
42
00:01:40,713 --> 00:01:42,412
Now.
43
00:01:42,412 --> 00:01:44,312
I'm never playing
kickball again.
44
00:01:44,312 --> 00:01:45,880
Come on, boy,
you have to do this.
45
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,779
Ed Wuncler asked for you
by name.
46
00:01:47,779 --> 00:01:49,980
It's because of him I quit
the game in the first place
47
00:01:49,980 --> 00:01:52,446
and gave Jennifer Herman
a permanent severe limp.
48
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,646
Look, nobody needs to be
reminded of that tragic day
49
00:01:54,646 --> 00:01:56,746
when you gave that girl
a permanent severe limp.
50
00:01:56,746 --> 00:01:58,412
It was the Junior League
Championship
51
00:01:58,412 --> 00:02:00,980
against Wuncler's team,
and Ed had paid off the refs.
52
00:02:00,980 --> 00:02:02,746
And, oh, you guys
were losing bad.
53
00:02:02,746 --> 00:02:04,045
It was a blowout.
54
00:02:04,045 --> 00:02:06,479
There were calling him
the Tiger Woods of kickball,
55
00:02:06,479 --> 00:02:07,880
before the wife-cheating thing.
56
00:02:07,880 --> 00:02:09,312
Now they just
call him "loser."
57
00:02:09,312 --> 00:02:11,112
[ALL BOOING]
MAN: Huey, you suck!
58
00:02:12,513 --> 00:02:13,913
WOMAN:
You suck!
59
00:02:13,913 --> 00:02:15,613
GRANDDAD:
The crowd started laughing,
60
00:02:15,613 --> 00:02:18,079
and we all know you
don't like to be laughed at.
61
00:02:18,079 --> 00:02:19,980
And you snapped.
62
00:02:19,980 --> 00:02:21,613
You went crazy.
63
00:02:21,613 --> 00:02:23,913
[GRUNTS]
64
00:02:23,913 --> 00:02:25,980
ANNOUNCER:
Freeman has hit her
with the pitch.
65
00:02:25,980 --> 00:02:27,246
Oh, the horror.
66
00:02:27,246 --> 00:02:30,946
And believe me, folks,
this was no accident.
67
00:02:30,946 --> 00:02:32,045
He meant to do that.
68
00:02:32,045 --> 00:02:33,746
If that girl is still alive,
69
00:02:33,746 --> 00:02:36,579
she will undoubtedly have
a permanent and severe limp.
70
00:02:36,579 --> 00:02:37,946
[GROANING]
71
00:02:37,946 --> 00:02:39,412
ANNOUNCER:
One thing is certain:
72
00:02:39,412 --> 00:02:41,579
She will never
play kickball again.
73
00:02:41,579 --> 00:02:44,379
And neither
should Huey Freeman.
74
00:02:44,379 --> 00:02:46,412
Well, too bad.
Ed Wuncler owns everything,
75
00:02:46,412 --> 00:02:48,179
including the bank
that owns this house,
76
00:02:48,179 --> 00:02:50,179
and he just got $20 billion
in bailout money.
77
00:02:50,179 --> 00:02:51,746
And I'm trying
to be his best friend.
78
00:02:51,746 --> 00:02:54,012
If Ed Wuncler tells me to jump,
I'm gonna say how high,
79
00:02:54,012 --> 00:02:55,412
and throw your ass in the air.
80
00:02:55,412 --> 00:02:57,446
I'm not gonna play.
81
00:02:57,446 --> 00:02:58,813
Okay, fine.
82
00:02:58,813 --> 00:03:00,880
If you don't wanna play,
you don't wanna play.
83
00:03:00,880 --> 00:03:03,346
Ed, here he is as promised.
Now get over here, boy.
84
00:03:03,346 --> 00:03:04,613
[LAUGHS]
85
00:03:04,613 --> 00:03:06,079
Good job, Robert.
86
00:03:06,079 --> 00:03:09,212
I'll remember this when I do
my Christmas yacht shopping.
87
00:03:09,212 --> 00:03:10,412
GRANDDAD:
Yeah, boy!
88
00:03:10,412 --> 00:03:11,513
WUNCLER:
Now Huey,
89
00:03:11,513 --> 00:03:13,412
the Wushung/Woodcrest
Junior/Senior
90
00:03:13,412 --> 00:03:15,513
Harmonious Kickball Tournament
is the greatest
91
00:03:15,513 --> 00:03:18,946
kickball competition
in the history of the sport.
92
00:03:18,946 --> 00:03:20,880
One hundred and twenty-nine
years ago,
93
00:03:20,880 --> 00:03:24,613
my great-great Grandpa Prescott
Rothschild Wuncler
94
00:03:24,613 --> 00:03:26,679
sailed to Wushung, China.
95
00:03:26,679 --> 00:03:29,713
The local monks had invented
a game similar to baseball,
96
00:03:29,713 --> 00:03:33,112
except it involved a red rubber
ball and a lot of kicking.
97
00:03:33,112 --> 00:03:35,613
He originally called it
"Jap baseball"
98
00:03:35,613 --> 00:03:37,546
because he didn't know what
country he was in
99
00:03:37,546 --> 00:03:38,746
and didn't care.
100
00:03:38,746 --> 00:03:40,579
He brought the sport
back to America,
101
00:03:40,579 --> 00:03:42,813
where the liberal
PC bitch-asses
102
00:03:42,813 --> 00:03:44,513
renamed it "kickball."
103
00:03:44,513 --> 00:03:47,513
Today, in the spirit of harmony
between our two cities,
104
00:03:47,513 --> 00:03:49,412
we alternate hosting
a kickball tournament
105
00:03:49,412 --> 00:03:52,112
known as the Wushung/Woodcrest
Junior/Senior
106
00:03:52,112 --> 00:03:54,646
Harmonious
Kickball Tournament.
107
00:03:54,646 --> 00:03:56,412
HUEY:
There's no way I'm playing.
108
00:03:56,412 --> 00:03:58,412
Because of you, I gave a girl
a permanent limp.
109
00:03:58,412 --> 00:03:59,946
Oh, really?
110
00:03:59,946 --> 00:04:01,246
This little girl?
111
00:04:01,246 --> 00:04:03,179
[***]
112
00:04:03,179 --> 00:04:07,246
That's right, Huey.
Jennifer can walk just fine.
113
00:04:07,246 --> 00:04:08,546
Hit it, Jenny.
114
00:04:08,546 --> 00:04:11,045
You were dominating the entire
Woodcrest Junior League,
115
00:04:11,045 --> 00:04:12,479
and I couldn't have that.
116
00:04:12,479 --> 00:04:15,312
I made up the story about
Jennifer's permanent limp,
117
00:04:15,312 --> 00:04:18,179
correctly assuming the emotional
trauma of the event
118
00:04:18,179 --> 00:04:19,980
would make you quit the game.
119
00:04:19,980 --> 00:04:23,713
But now I need to win this game
against the Chinese.
120
00:04:23,713 --> 00:04:26,880
You were willing to scar me
for life over a kickball game?
121
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:28,746
But that's how good
of an opponent you were.
122
00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:31,112
But this game is bigger
than you and me, Huey.
123
00:04:31,112 --> 00:04:34,646
I present the Woodcrest
Harmonious kickball team.
124
00:04:34,646 --> 00:04:38,212
First, courtesy of Blackwater
USA, the senior squad...
125
00:04:38,212 --> 00:04:39,479
HUEY:
Mercenaries?
126
00:04:39,479 --> 00:04:42,679
They prefer the term
"private kickball contractors."
127
00:04:42,679 --> 00:04:44,179
And this is the junior squad?
128
00:04:44,179 --> 00:04:46,746
WUNCLER:
The best the Dominican Republic
has to offer.
129
00:04:46,746 --> 00:04:50,846
As you can see, I've spared
no expense for victory.
130
00:04:50,846 --> 00:04:53,145
[JUNIOR TEAM CHEERING]
131
00:04:57,246 --> 00:05:00,713
It's the greatest junior/senior
kickball team ever assembled.
132
00:05:00,713 --> 00:05:03,112
Tell me you don't want
to be part of kickball history.
133
00:05:03,112 --> 00:05:05,012
I don't want to be a part
of kickball history.
134
00:05:05,012 --> 00:05:07,479
I'm not making a request.
I'm prepared to blackmail you
135
00:05:07,479 --> 00:05:10,479
with a picture of you wearing
Kanye West Venetian sunglasses,
136
00:05:10,479 --> 00:05:14,012
nut-hugger jeans
and Louis Vuitton driving shoes.
137
00:05:14,012 --> 00:05:15,012
That's Photoshopped.
138
00:05:15,012 --> 00:05:17,279
Explain that to media takeout.
139
00:05:17,279 --> 00:05:18,379
I'll risk it.
140
00:05:18,379 --> 00:05:19,546
WUNCLER:
All right, Huey.
141
00:05:19,546 --> 00:05:21,179
I'm not a fan of the truth,
142
00:05:21,179 --> 00:05:22,279
but here it is:
143
00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:24,012
The Chinese are calling in
some debts
144
00:05:24,012 --> 00:05:26,279
and I had to bet everything
on this game.
145
00:05:26,279 --> 00:05:29,513
My banks, your home,
everything.
146
00:05:29,513 --> 00:05:31,813
You think I'm bad,
just wait until the Chinese
147
00:05:31,813 --> 00:05:34,145
take away all the freedoms
you enjoy.
148
00:05:34,145 --> 00:05:35,412
Freedom to complain.
149
00:05:35,412 --> 00:05:38,379
Freedom to have as many
offspring and assault rifles
150
00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:39,546
as you like.
151
00:05:39,546 --> 00:05:41,513
The freedom
to surf the Internet
152
00:05:41,513 --> 00:05:43,746
for pornography of your choice.
153
00:05:43,746 --> 00:05:46,579
Not the porn.
I'll risk it.
154
00:05:47,679 --> 00:05:49,546
No yacht for you.
155
00:05:49,546 --> 00:05:50,713
[SIGHS]
156
00:05:50,713 --> 00:05:52,646
[***]
157
00:06:03,646 --> 00:06:06,145
You are the one
who quit the game.
158
00:06:06,145 --> 00:06:08,946
You must have me mistaken
for somebody else.
159
00:06:08,946 --> 00:06:11,346
You were a great player.
Why did you quit?
160
00:06:11,346 --> 00:06:14,446
Why will you not play in the
Harmonious Kickball Tournament?
161
00:06:14,446 --> 00:06:15,713
What's it matter to you?
162
00:06:15,713 --> 00:06:17,079
My name is Ming.
163
00:06:17,079 --> 00:06:20,012
I am captain of the Wushung
Harmonious Junior/Senior
164
00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:21,179
kickball team.
165
00:06:21,179 --> 00:06:22,913
Even before I was born,
166
00:06:22,913 --> 00:06:26,813
it was decided I would be
a champion kickball player.
167
00:06:26,813 --> 00:06:29,913
At 3 years old I was taken
to the National Kickball
168
00:06:29,913 --> 00:06:32,312
Training Center
outside of Beijing.
169
00:06:32,312 --> 00:06:37,446
I trained every day
and every night to be the best.
170
00:06:37,446 --> 00:06:40,179
My grandfather says
to control the ball,
171
00:06:40,179 --> 00:06:42,112
I must control myself.
172
00:06:42,112 --> 00:06:45,246
But just me and the ball alone
is no kickball.
173
00:06:45,246 --> 00:06:47,312
Without a worthy opponent,
I nothing.
174
00:06:47,312 --> 00:06:49,045
We must have
the ultimate contest
175
00:06:49,045 --> 00:06:51,980
to settle once and for all
who is the best.
176
00:06:51,980 --> 00:06:56,079
Like I said, you have me
mistaken for somebody else.
177
00:06:56,079 --> 00:06:59,579
[***]
178
00:07:18,579 --> 00:07:19,946
I'll play.
179
00:07:19,946 --> 00:07:22,279
But I'm not interested
in your ultimate contest.
180
00:07:22,279 --> 00:07:24,079
It's just a simple game
of kickball.
181
00:07:26,746 --> 00:07:29,446
So you decided to come fight
for freedom?
182
00:07:29,446 --> 00:07:31,346
Well, you made
the right choice.
183
00:07:31,346 --> 00:07:32,646
All right, bring it in.
184
00:07:32,646 --> 00:07:34,246
A few minutes ago,
185
00:07:34,246 --> 00:07:36,779
in a gross violation
of my civil liberties,
186
00:07:36,779 --> 00:07:39,946
the INS repossessed
the five Dominican players
187
00:07:39,946 --> 00:07:42,312
from the junior squad
of the Woodcrest Harmonious
188
00:07:42,312 --> 00:07:43,713
kickball team.
189
00:07:43,713 --> 00:07:47,145
We must immediately find a
replacement for these players.
190
00:07:47,145 --> 00:07:50,513
I'm now exploring the
possibility of child soldiers
191
00:07:50,513 --> 00:07:53,112
from Sierra Leone,
but they may not get here in...
192
00:07:53,112 --> 00:07:55,412
[HELICOPTER WHIRRING] Huh?
193
00:07:55,412 --> 00:07:57,246
Say again? Affirmative,
we're on our way.
194
00:07:57,246 --> 00:07:59,412
Come on, guys, that's us.
Moving out! Moving out!
195
00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:02,179
[***]
196
00:08:02,179 --> 00:08:04,112
What's going on?
Sorry, Mr. Wuncler.
197
00:08:04,112 --> 00:08:06,813
POW rescue in Afghanistan.
Wait! Wait!
198
00:08:06,813 --> 00:08:09,212
Goddamn it! Fuck the POW.
199
00:08:09,212 --> 00:08:12,079
You are staying here
and playing kickball.
200
00:08:13,212 --> 00:08:14,679
[GROANS]
201
00:08:14,679 --> 00:08:16,579
Well, team captain,
202
00:08:16,579 --> 00:08:19,212
you've got two days
to assemble a new team.
203
00:08:19,212 --> 00:08:20,513
Team captain?
204
00:08:20,513 --> 00:08:22,746
GRANDDAD:
Yep, new team, no problem,
Mr. Wuncler.
205
00:08:22,746 --> 00:08:23,779
We're on it.
206
00:08:23,779 --> 00:08:25,212
[***]
207
00:08:29,513 --> 00:08:31,246
Who the fuck are you?
208
00:08:31,246 --> 00:08:33,012
I am Jigme.
I come from Tibet.
209
00:08:33,012 --> 00:08:35,613
I want to defeat the Chinese
oppressors in kickball.
210
00:08:35,613 --> 00:08:38,312
Why?
I hate fucking Chinese.
211
00:08:39,479 --> 00:08:41,646
I'd like a word with you
in private.
212
00:08:42,913 --> 00:08:46,045
This team is pathetic.
213
00:08:46,045 --> 00:08:48,446
They don't stand a chance
against the Chinese.
214
00:08:48,446 --> 00:08:51,145
Not one single
goddamn shot in hell.
215
00:08:51,145 --> 00:08:54,045
It'll be an embarrassment
they'll never, ever live down
216
00:08:54,045 --> 00:08:57,746
for the rest of their miserable
lives until they die.
217
00:08:57,746 --> 00:09:00,813
You know what one of these balls
can do to a human body?
218
00:09:00,813 --> 00:09:03,613
They'll get torn to pieces.
Ripped to shreds.
219
00:09:03,613 --> 00:09:06,913
Some may even lose control
of their bowels.
220
00:09:06,913 --> 00:09:09,112
By the third inning
they'll be pissing and shitting
221
00:09:09,112 --> 00:09:11,946
on themselves right in front
of their friends and loved ones.
222
00:09:11,946 --> 00:09:14,479
It's gonna be flat-out
fucking terrible.
223
00:09:14,479 --> 00:09:16,980
We must find
some better athletes.
224
00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:19,412
This is what you got.
225
00:09:19,412 --> 00:09:21,446
[SIGHS]
226
00:09:24,980 --> 00:09:28,379
I want to say a few words
to everybody here
227
00:09:28,379 --> 00:09:30,546
about victory.
228
00:09:30,546 --> 00:09:35,112
Unfortunately there's absolutely
no time to train you people.
229
00:09:35,112 --> 00:09:39,312
But I have bought each of you
a brand-new pair of sneakers.
230
00:09:39,312 --> 00:09:40,713
These shoes were handmade
231
00:09:40,713 --> 00:09:44,546
with the youngest Chinese
sweatshop labor we could find.
232
00:09:44,546 --> 00:09:46,179
Wear them with pride.
233
00:09:46,179 --> 00:09:49,012
I'm gonna be like, "Take this,
you yellow rat bastard."
234
00:09:49,012 --> 00:09:50,012
[GRUNTS]
235
00:09:50,012 --> 00:09:52,012
Motherfucker!
236
00:09:52,012 --> 00:09:55,980
Greetings, friends.
Forgive our intrusion.
237
00:09:55,980 --> 00:09:59,312
We came to wish you luck
in tomorrow's game.
238
00:09:59,312 --> 00:10:03,179
I look forward
to an unforgettable contest.
239
00:10:03,179 --> 00:10:04,980
[LAUGHS]
240
00:10:04,980 --> 00:10:06,946
Give them their ball back.
241
00:10:10,546 --> 00:10:11,613
GRANDDAD:
Damn.
242
00:10:11,613 --> 00:10:13,980
[CROWS SQUAWKING]
243
00:10:13,980 --> 00:10:16,379
[TREE CRASHES]
244
00:10:22,746 --> 00:10:24,081
ANNOUNCER [ON PA]:
Welcome, sports fans,
245
00:10:24,180 --> 00:10:27,180
to the 43rd biannual
Wushung/Woodcrest Junior/Senior
246
00:10:27,180 --> 00:10:29,513
Harmonious Kickball Tournament.
247
00:10:29,513 --> 00:10:31,979
Both teams on the field
and already there seems to be
248
00:10:31,979 --> 00:10:33,246
some type of trouble.
249
00:10:33,246 --> 00:10:35,013
Seems like the owner
of the Wushung team
250
00:10:35,014 --> 00:10:36,781
is accusing one of the
Woodcrest players
251
00:10:36,781 --> 00:10:39,114
of being a ringer.
The rules say
252
00:10:39,114 --> 00:10:41,847
any player must be a resident
of Wushung or Woodcrest.
253
00:10:41,847 --> 00:10:44,414
He is absolutely a resident.
254
00:10:44,414 --> 00:10:48,880
Here is his hot Caucasian wife
and half-Asian baby.
255
00:10:48,879 --> 00:10:52,113
ANNOUNCER:
And now the Woodcrest team
is making a complaint.
256
00:10:52,113 --> 00:10:55,413
Looks like the Wushung team
has one too many adult members.
257
00:10:55,413 --> 00:10:57,946
Everybody knows Junior/Senior
Tournament rules
258
00:10:57,947 --> 00:10:59,847
say the roster must have
an equal number
259
00:10:59,847 --> 00:11:01,514
of kids and adults.
260
00:11:01,514 --> 00:11:04,748
Dolo is strong and healthy
like many kids in China,
261
00:11:04,747 --> 00:11:09,747
but I assure you he is only
12 years old.
262
00:11:09,747 --> 00:11:12,814
Here is the official keeper
of government records
263
00:11:12,815 --> 00:11:15,847
to verify that fact.
264
00:11:15,847 --> 00:11:17,980
ANNOUNCER:
Heh! Looks like the ref
265
00:11:17,980 --> 00:11:21,281
is gonna let it slide.
Tough break for the home team.
266
00:11:21,281 --> 00:11:23,314
Play kickball.
267
00:11:23,314 --> 00:11:24,548
[CROWD CHEERING]
268
00:11:24,548 --> 00:11:26,214
ANNOUNCER:
Huey Freeman on the mound.
269
00:11:26,214 --> 00:11:29,014
There is a lot of excitement
about this young man's return
270
00:11:29,014 --> 00:11:30,648
to the sport of kickball.
271
00:11:30,648 --> 00:11:32,614
Little Ming Do
steps up to the plate.
272
00:11:32,614 --> 00:11:35,348
What a treat to see these
two titans of the game
273
00:11:35,347 --> 00:11:36,913
face off
against one another.
274
00:11:36,913 --> 00:11:38,313
Let's go, Huey!
275
00:11:38,313 --> 00:11:39,979
Show them what's good, Huey!
276
00:11:42,815 --> 00:11:45,815
ANNOUNCER:
Huey looks absolutely
determined out there folks...
277
00:11:45,815 --> 00:11:47,681
Oh! Hello! And goodbye!
278
00:11:47,681 --> 00:11:51,581
And that one is out of here.
Not a good start for Freeman.
279
00:11:51,581 --> 00:11:52,880
You suck, Huey!
280
00:11:52,880 --> 00:11:54,481
You worthless motherfucker.
281
00:11:54,481 --> 00:11:56,181
ANNOUNCER:
Next kicker is Lily Chang,
282
00:11:56,181 --> 00:11:59,247
a 73-year-old retired
farm worker with diabetes.
283
00:11:59,247 --> 00:12:01,614
Folks, she's experiencing
complete kidney failure.
284
00:12:01,614 --> 00:12:03,181
Hasn't peed in three years.
285
00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:05,914
This might just be the warm-up
that Freeman needs.
286
00:12:05,914 --> 00:12:07,414
And here's the pitch.
287
00:12:10,414 --> 00:12:11,348
[GRUNTS]
288
00:12:12,514 --> 00:12:14,414
ANNOUNCER:
Oh, mother!
289
00:12:17,448 --> 00:12:18,748
What the hell do you call this?
290
00:12:18,748 --> 00:12:20,947
I'm trying, all right?
Get your shit together.
291
00:12:20,947 --> 00:12:22,181
Kicker up.
292
00:12:22,181 --> 00:12:23,847
ANNOUNCER:
Huey's not having the best
293
00:12:23,847 --> 00:12:25,314
day of his life here today,
folks.
294
00:12:25,314 --> 00:12:26,914
Let's see if he can't
get it together.
295
00:12:26,914 --> 00:12:29,214
Strike!
Throws one and strike.
296
00:12:29,214 --> 00:12:31,648
And another strike.
297
00:12:31,648 --> 00:12:34,980
Huey Freeman is getting that
pitching arm warmed up now,
298
00:12:34,980 --> 00:12:37,681
and that is two
back-to-back strikeouts.
299
00:12:37,681 --> 00:12:39,514
[ALL GROAN]
300
00:12:41,681 --> 00:12:44,014
ANNOUNCER:
Dolo steps up to the plate.
301
00:12:44,014 --> 00:12:46,448
And we've been waiting for this
matchup all day and...
302
00:12:46,448 --> 00:12:47,980
Oh, look at that!
303
00:12:47,980 --> 00:12:50,781
That's gonna leave a mark...
304
00:12:50,781 --> 00:12:53,014
in his pants.
Damn!
305
00:12:53,014 --> 00:12:56,014
Good job, boy. This game is more
important than you.
306
00:12:56,014 --> 00:12:57,548
Someone get him some Demerol.
307
00:12:57,548 --> 00:12:59,014
And make sure
it's the good stuff.
308
00:12:59,014 --> 00:13:00,947
ANNOUNCER:
In the kicker's box right now
309
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:02,715
is Huey Freeman,
the pride of Woodcrest.
310
00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:04,414
Yeah!
311
00:13:04,414 --> 00:13:06,514
ANNOUNCER:
Everyone's cheering.
Here he goes.
312
00:13:06,514 --> 00:13:08,181
He locks in
and the ball is coming up...
313
00:13:08,181 --> 00:13:09,748
He's got a...
Little bit girly,
314
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:10,847
but it'll get the job done.
315
00:13:10,847 --> 00:13:12,414
[ALL CHEERING]
316
00:13:12,414 --> 00:13:14,581
Next up is Riley Freeman.
317
00:13:14,581 --> 00:13:16,914
Wait a min...
Hold on, what's this?
318
00:13:16,914 --> 00:13:19,514
Oh, my.
His first time at the plate
319
00:13:19,514 --> 00:13:21,548
and he's calling a home run.
320
00:13:21,548 --> 00:13:24,348
And Ming lets go
with a fireball.
321
00:13:24,348 --> 00:13:26,181
Riley's got his eye...
322
00:13:27,815 --> 00:13:28,815
Strike!
323
00:13:28,815 --> 00:13:30,047
Strike two!
324
00:13:30,047 --> 00:13:31,514
Strike three!
325
00:13:31,514 --> 00:13:32,514
Good grief.
326
00:13:32,514 --> 00:13:33,581
[CROWD BOOING]
327
00:13:36,715 --> 00:13:39,414
ANNOUNCER:
Tom's up.
He's getting a good stretch on.
328
00:13:39,414 --> 00:13:42,081
We don't expect a whole lot
out of this Tom guy, but...
329
00:13:42,081 --> 00:13:43,114
[ALL CHEERING]
330
00:13:43,114 --> 00:13:44,581
ANNOUNCER:
Apologizing here.
331
00:13:44,581 --> 00:13:47,014
Tom is really putting this
relay right back to Ming.
332
00:13:47,014 --> 00:13:50,014
She locks in, Tom is in midst
of celebration.
333
00:13:50,014 --> 00:13:52,081
He can do no wrong.
334
00:13:52,081 --> 00:13:54,748
Oh, looks like
it's lights out for Tom.
335
00:13:54,748 --> 00:13:56,348
[CROWD MURMURING]
336
00:13:56,348 --> 00:13:58,247
Folks, Ming is really giving
the crowd here
337
00:13:58,247 --> 00:14:00,481
quite a lesson
in kickball today.
338
00:14:01,614 --> 00:14:04,047
Mr. Freeman steps up.
339
00:14:04,047 --> 00:14:05,748
He's gonna give it
all he's got.
340
00:14:05,748 --> 00:14:07,448
And he does give it
all he's got,
341
00:14:07,448 --> 00:14:09,481
which frankly
just is not a lot.
342
00:14:09,481 --> 00:14:11,114
Quite anemic,
343
00:14:11,114 --> 00:14:13,614
but Mr. Freeman's gonna make it
to first base soon as he can.
344
00:14:13,614 --> 00:14:15,381
Looks like he's gonna
take one of those
345
00:14:15,381 --> 00:14:18,947
"old people walking around
the mall" leisurely strolls.
346
00:14:18,947 --> 00:14:21,214
I'm out. Yep, I'm out.
347
00:14:21,214 --> 00:14:23,114
[CROWD BOOS]
348
00:14:23,114 --> 00:14:24,381
ANNOUNCER:
There he goes.
349
00:14:24,381 --> 00:14:26,348
Lights out for the old man.
You're out!
350
00:14:29,281 --> 00:14:32,548
ANNOUNCER:
These folks are giving the
Americans quite a schooling.
351
00:14:32,548 --> 00:14:34,114
We got an easy out now
and the ball...
352
00:14:34,114 --> 00:14:37,748
Oh, looks like we don't
have an easy out.
353
00:14:37,748 --> 00:14:39,247
I don't know
what's going on here,
354
00:14:39,247 --> 00:14:41,147
but this American team
has lost its wheels.
355
00:14:41,147 --> 00:14:43,081
Now they got a hit,
we got a runner,
356
00:14:43,081 --> 00:14:44,815
he's being pelted with shoes.
357
00:14:44,815 --> 00:14:46,348
Nice tennis shoes,
by the way.
358
00:14:46,348 --> 00:14:49,181
Probably made by tiny little
hands in a Chinese factory.
359
00:14:49,181 --> 00:14:50,914
Now the Chinese have...
360
00:14:50,914 --> 00:14:52,548
Now that...
Okay, that is just wrong.
361
00:14:52,548 --> 00:14:54,614
Now that is three-on-one,
and that's horrible.
362
00:14:54,614 --> 00:14:56,514
Just what the hell
do you think you're doing?
363
00:14:56,514 --> 00:14:58,147
I paid you good money
for this game.
364
00:14:58,147 --> 00:14:59,414
Yeah? So did he.
365
00:15:01,014 --> 00:15:03,481
I'll take the Chinese money.
366
00:15:05,081 --> 00:15:07,548
WUNCLER:
Listen, I don't care the refs
are cheating.
367
00:15:07,548 --> 00:15:10,648
We cannot lose this game.
The stakes are too high.
368
00:15:10,648 --> 00:15:12,781
Well, who bet the whole town
on a kickball game?
369
00:15:12,781 --> 00:15:14,748
Okay, maybe it was
a wrong decision
370
00:15:14,748 --> 00:15:18,214
to bet all of our economic
futures on a kickball game,
371
00:15:18,214 --> 00:15:19,614
but we're Americans.
372
00:15:19,614 --> 00:15:21,648
We don't quit
just because we're wrong.
373
00:15:21,648 --> 00:15:25,047
We just keep doing the wrong
thing until it turns out right.
374
00:15:25,047 --> 00:15:26,847
This is stupid.
I'm going home.
375
00:15:26,847 --> 00:15:28,548
What about them, Huey?
376
00:15:28,548 --> 00:15:31,481
Your teammates.
You got them into this.
377
00:15:31,481 --> 00:15:33,348
Now you're turning your back
on them?
378
00:15:33,348 --> 00:15:34,947
We gotta make
the motherfuckers pay.
379
00:15:34,947 --> 00:15:37,047
Come on, I don't want
to play no more neither,
380
00:15:37,047 --> 00:15:39,147
but we can't go out
like a bunch of little bitches.
381
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:41,214
Granddad?
I'm trying to save my house
382
00:15:41,214 --> 00:15:42,980
and my big-titty porn.
383
00:15:42,980 --> 00:15:44,648
It's up to you, Huey.
384
00:15:44,648 --> 00:15:46,548
The sooner you stop
holding back
385
00:15:46,548 --> 00:15:48,214
and decide to play
like a winner,
386
00:15:48,214 --> 00:15:50,381
the sooner we can all go home.
387
00:15:52,681 --> 00:15:54,748
ANNOUNCER:
Woodcrest really needs
something
388
00:15:54,748 --> 00:15:57,014
happening for them today,
because this Chinese team
389
00:15:57,014 --> 00:15:58,980
is really owning their a... Oh!
390
00:15:58,980 --> 00:16:00,481
[GRUNTS]
391
00:16:00,481 --> 00:16:03,181
[CROWD CHEERS]
ANNOUNCER: Now we're talking!
392
00:16:03,181 --> 00:16:05,847
That's the Huey Freeman this
city has fallen in love with
393
00:16:05,847 --> 00:16:07,815
and feared slightly too,
I gotta admit that.
394
00:16:07,815 --> 00:16:11,114
Folks, we got us a game
all of a sudden here.
395
00:16:11,114 --> 00:16:13,147
[***]
396
00:16:14,281 --> 00:16:15,715
[GRUNTS]
397
00:16:15,715 --> 00:16:18,247
Folks, we're ready to get back
into the action here,
398
00:16:18,247 --> 00:16:20,381
but there's no ref.
399
00:16:20,381 --> 00:16:21,947
[CROWD MURMURING]
400
00:16:24,514 --> 00:16:25,715
So this is it.
401
00:16:25,715 --> 00:16:27,581
This is your ultimate contest?
402
00:16:27,581 --> 00:16:29,548
In China, there is this place.
403
00:16:29,548 --> 00:16:32,414
I've never seen it,
but I know it exists.
404
00:16:32,414 --> 00:16:35,147
It is called the Glorious Sports
Rehabilitation Center.
405
00:16:35,147 --> 00:16:37,548
But really it's a prison camp
for athletes
406
00:16:37,548 --> 00:16:39,715
who have shamed their country
by losing.
407
00:16:39,715 --> 00:16:42,381
My grandfather told me
if I disgrace him with failure,
408
00:16:42,381 --> 00:16:43,748
he will send me there.
409
00:16:43,748 --> 00:16:45,081
I too dream of the day
410
00:16:45,081 --> 00:16:47,681
I can walk away
from this game forever.
411
00:16:47,681 --> 00:16:49,548
I am not as lucky as you
412
00:16:49,548 --> 00:16:50,847
to have that choice.
413
00:16:50,847 --> 00:16:52,314
To live in America.
414
00:16:52,314 --> 00:16:53,414
LONG DO: Ming!
[GASPS]
415
00:16:59,781 --> 00:17:01,781
Tragically,
we've just received word
416
00:17:01,781 --> 00:17:03,880
that the ref strangled himself,
417
00:17:03,880 --> 00:17:07,448
jumped off a bridge,
then overdosed on amphetamines.
418
00:17:07,448 --> 00:17:10,880
Oh, send my condolences
to his family.
419
00:17:10,880 --> 00:17:13,381
But fortunately,
we've found a completely fair
420
00:17:13,381 --> 00:17:15,214
and impartial replacement.
421
00:17:15,214 --> 00:17:16,648
Hey, there, Chairman Mao.
422
00:17:16,648 --> 00:17:18,247
[SPEAKING MOCK CHINESE]
423
00:17:18,247 --> 00:17:21,715
Open up your eyes and let's play
some Jap baseball.
424
00:17:21,715 --> 00:17:23,448
ANNOUNCER:
Freeman on the mound,
425
00:17:23,448 --> 00:17:26,847
and he must really be feeling
the pressure right now.
426
00:17:29,681 --> 00:17:30,648
[GRUNTS]
427
00:17:31,980 --> 00:17:33,581
Freeman gives up a base kick
428
00:17:33,581 --> 00:17:35,581
on what should have been
an easy strike-out.
429
00:17:35,581 --> 00:17:36,781
[ALL GROAN]
430
00:17:36,781 --> 00:17:39,147
ANNOUNCER:
What is going on?
431
00:17:39,147 --> 00:17:42,548
Freeman is giving up
several crucial base kicks.
432
00:17:44,181 --> 00:17:46,147
[IN CHINESE]
Hey, why does the big-haired kid
433
00:17:46,147 --> 00:17:47,715
suck ass all of a sudden?
434
00:17:47,715 --> 00:17:49,481
[IN CHINESE]
Ming told him if we lose,
435
00:17:49,481 --> 00:17:52,014
we all go to a prison camp!
436
00:17:52,014 --> 00:17:53,681
[BOTH LAUGH]
437
00:17:53,681 --> 00:17:55,581
He believed that?
What a stupid idiot.
438
00:17:57,147 --> 00:17:59,980
[LAUGHING]
439
00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:01,748
What a dick.
He's an enormous asshole.
440
00:18:01,748 --> 00:18:04,847
[SPEAKING IN CHINESE]
I do not like to be laughed at.
441
00:18:04,847 --> 00:18:05,847
Eh?
442
00:18:05,847 --> 00:18:07,681
Hey, did he just...?
443
00:18:07,681 --> 00:18:09,648
[CROWD GASPS]
444
00:18:09,648 --> 00:18:11,147
ANNOUNCER:
And a brutal kick
445
00:18:11,147 --> 00:18:12,880
takes out
the first base runner.
446
00:18:14,114 --> 00:18:15,581
Both y'all is out.
447
00:18:15,581 --> 00:18:16,914
Or as they say in your language:
448
00:18:16,914 --> 00:18:18,348
[SPEAKING MOCK CHINESE]
449
00:18:18,348 --> 00:18:19,448
Yellow nigga.
450
00:18:19,448 --> 00:18:22,114
ANNOUNCER:
Unbelievable.
451
00:18:22,114 --> 00:18:24,947
We are looking at an altogether
different type
452
00:18:24,947 --> 00:18:26,681
of kickball game
here today.
453
00:18:26,681 --> 00:18:29,847
Huey with an up
in the air over, over and... Oh!
454
00:18:29,847 --> 00:18:30,947
Wow!
455
00:18:30,947 --> 00:18:32,247
[LAUGHS]
456
00:18:32,247 --> 00:18:33,348
Take your base.
457
00:18:33,348 --> 00:18:35,947
No? Well, dock this Chink
a day's pay
458
00:18:35,947 --> 00:18:37,448
for napping on the job.
459
00:18:41,181 --> 00:18:42,181
Oh!
Take your base.
460
00:18:42,181 --> 00:18:43,381
ANNOUNCER:
Oh, my God.
461
00:18:43,381 --> 00:18:45,581
I've never seen
moves like this before.
462
00:18:45,581 --> 00:18:47,381
[ALL BOOING]
463
00:18:47,381 --> 00:18:48,514
[GRUNTS]
464
00:18:48,514 --> 00:18:49,980
ANNOUNCER:
This isn't kickball,
465
00:18:49,980 --> 00:18:52,581
it's a complete free-for-all.
466
00:18:52,581 --> 00:18:55,514
And neither the coaches
nor the referee seem to care.
467
00:18:55,514 --> 00:18:56,548
[INAUDIBLE]
468
00:18:56,548 --> 00:18:57,681
Hold on, hold on.
469
00:18:57,681 --> 00:18:59,548
Your money ain't
worth shit to me,
470
00:18:59,548 --> 00:19:01,481
so don't waste
your cat-flavored breath.
471
00:19:01,481 --> 00:19:03,348
Get on your rickshaw
and get out of here.
472
00:19:03,348 --> 00:19:04,481
[CROWD CHEERS]
473
00:19:04,481 --> 00:19:06,081
ANNOUNCER:
Into the final inning
474
00:19:06,081 --> 00:19:08,381
the score is now tied
8 to 8.
475
00:19:08,381 --> 00:19:11,014
Both teams down
to a single player,
476
00:19:11,014 --> 00:19:13,448
and years from now people
will ask of this game,
477
00:19:13,448 --> 00:19:15,147
did it happen?
478
00:19:15,147 --> 00:19:19,781
And I say to you now,
oh, yes. Yes, it did.
479
00:19:19,781 --> 00:19:23,047
[CROWD SINGING
"AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL"]
480
00:19:23,047 --> 00:19:27,314
* America, America *
481
00:19:27,314 --> 00:19:32,181
* God shed his grace on thee *
482
00:19:32,181 --> 00:19:37,047
* And crown thy good
With brotherhood *
483
00:19:37,047 --> 00:19:42,381
* From sea to shining sea *
484
00:19:42,381 --> 00:19:44,481
[***]
485
00:19:55,414 --> 00:19:57,781
[SCREAMS]
[SCREAMS]
486
00:19:59,815 --> 00:20:01,147
[SHRIEKS]
487
00:20:07,815 --> 00:20:08,914
[BONE CRACKS]
488
00:20:08,914 --> 00:20:11,980
[CROWD GASPS]
489
00:20:11,980 --> 00:20:13,381
ANNOUNCER:
Wait a minute!
490
00:20:13,381 --> 00:20:15,681
They have literally
destroyed the ball.
491
00:20:15,681 --> 00:20:17,914
And those red balls
are indestructible.
492
00:20:17,914 --> 00:20:20,014
Wait. Wait.
493
00:20:20,014 --> 00:20:22,514
ANNOUNCER:
And look at the determination.
494
00:20:22,514 --> 00:20:24,781
Ming trying to crawl
to first base.
495
00:20:24,781 --> 00:20:27,247
But what is this?
[GROANS]
496
00:20:27,247 --> 00:20:28,947
Freeman is on his feet.
497
00:20:28,947 --> 00:20:30,648
He's going to tag her out
498
00:20:30,648 --> 00:20:33,681
with the smoldering remains
of the ball.
499
00:20:33,681 --> 00:20:35,247
[***]
500
00:20:43,781 --> 00:20:45,014
[MING GROANS]
501
00:20:45,014 --> 00:20:47,114
You out, little girl.
502
00:20:47,114 --> 00:20:49,114
[ALL CHEER]
ANNOUNCER: And Woodcrest wins!
503
00:20:49,114 --> 00:20:50,314
It's all over!
504
00:20:50,314 --> 00:20:52,548
Folks, what a moment
in history!
505
00:20:52,548 --> 00:20:54,414
[GROANS]
506
00:20:54,414 --> 00:20:56,914
LONG DO:
Ming. Are you okay?
507
00:21:00,448 --> 00:21:02,181
[AMBULANCE RADIO CHATTERING]
508
00:21:04,481 --> 00:21:05,781
[ENGINE STARTS]
509
00:21:05,781 --> 00:21:06,847
[SIREN BLARES]
510
00:21:06,847 --> 00:21:10,147
A deal's a deal, Long.
511
00:21:10,147 --> 00:21:13,748
Of course.
I am not saddened at my loss.
512
00:21:13,748 --> 00:21:17,548
There are not many worthy
opponents left, my old friend.
513
00:21:17,548 --> 00:21:20,847
What fun would it be if the game
were to end for good?
514
00:21:23,314 --> 00:21:25,214
Congratulations,
Mr. Wuncler, sir.
515
00:21:25,214 --> 00:21:28,681
Your great white leadership made
all the difference in the world.
516
00:21:28,681 --> 00:21:30,314
Now what should we do
about them?
517
00:21:30,314 --> 00:21:32,314
[ALL GROANING]
RILEY: Oh, my pancreas hurts.
518
00:21:32,314 --> 00:21:35,548
Let them bask in the moment.
519
00:21:35,548 --> 00:21:38,014
We beat those yellow
motherfuckers.
520
00:21:38,014 --> 00:21:40,614
Mission accomplished.
521
00:21:40,614 --> 00:21:44,748
Yeah, we ain't go out
like no bitches.
522
00:21:44,748 --> 00:21:47,815
Even though the people of Tibet
are still not free,
523
00:21:47,815 --> 00:21:50,581
as symbolic victories go,
this ain't bad.
524
00:21:50,581 --> 00:21:53,781
RILEY:
I think Ms. Von Hausen
might be dead.
525
00:21:53,781 --> 00:21:55,414
GRANDDAD:
Whoo! Let's go home
526
00:21:55,414 --> 00:21:57,114
and order some Chinese.
[HUEY SIGHS]
527
00:21:57,114 --> 00:21:59,448
GRANDDAD:
Unless you're not in the mood
for Chinese.
528
00:21:59,448 --> 00:22:02,381
[***]