* I am the stone The builder refused *
* I am the visual The inspiration *
* That made lady Sing the blues *
* I'm the spark That makes your idea bright *
* The same spark That lights the dark *
* So that you can know Left from right *
* I am the ballot in your box The bullet in the gun *
* The inner glow That lets you know *
* To call your brother sun *
* The story that just begun *
* The promise Of what's to come *
* And I'm 'a remain a soldier *
* Till the war is won Won *
* Chop, chop, chop Judo flip *
* Chop, chop, chop *
REPORTER [ON TV]: It's a scene normally reserved
for major Hollywood blockbusters.
The faithful have been lined up for days.
Some arrived in costume.
All for the love of chicken.
[***]
[HUEY GRUNTS]
Okay, try it!
[MACHINE BUZZES]
[HUEY GRUNTS]
JAZMINE: Huey!
TV ANNOUNCER: Tomorrow, the fried chicken event of a lifetime!
One more herb. One more spice.
The new Kernel's Fried Chicken New Original Recipe.
Now with 13 herbs and sp...
What the...? I bet it's your brother.
I knew I should have abandoned him at the mall
when I had the chance.
Boy!
What did I tell you? Huh?
I said you can do what you want
with your survival thing but don't mess with my TV!
Every year it's a new disaster.
Bird flu, swine flu,
World War III, killer astranoids,
New World Order. What was it, the Trisexual Commission?
What the hell is a trisexual anyway?
Trilateral.
I got a silly contraption in my garage,
a hundred gallons of fucking water.
I got more damn Cheerios and canned green beans
than I'm ever gonna eat!
Granddad, I promise you'll be thanking me
when the crisis comes. Where is the crisis, boy?
Where's the disaster?
Where's the return on investment?
All this damn money for extra food and toilet paper.
That's it. It's over. I ain't spending
another damn dime on the end of the world.
You on your own now. Boy, you ready to go get some chicken?
Yeah, yeah!
You want fried chicken, baby?
Fried chicken is murder.
Suit yourself. Come on, let's go.
[CHUCKLES]
[GRANDDAD HUMMING] Yeah!
What's that for anyway?
It's a generator.
What does it do? Nothing right now.
But if I can get it to work, it could save our lives.
So how bad is it gonna be?
When the end of the world comes?
I don't know. But I got it all worked out
so the three of us can survive in this house
as long as possible.
Three?
Me, Riley and Granddad.
What about everyone else?
I can't save everyone else.
If I tried, I'd just end up saving nobody.
What about me? Would you let me stay here?
You know, if things got bad?
The plan is for three people.
A fourth person and we could run out of food or water...
But I'm your friend. Can't you make a plan for four people?
[***]
I guess.
[SIGHS]
I feel much better about that now.
You know, Huey, everybody says you're a loony person,
but I think one day you're gonna be smarter than everybody.
Man, this chicken gonna be off the chain!
* I can't wait I can't wait *
* Mm, I'm gonna get Some chicken *
* I can't wait *
See, you kids don't know how lucky you have it.
All my life we only had 11 herbs and spices.
This is a whole new... Oh.
[TIRES SCREECH]
Aah! Aw, man...
[***]
[HORNS HONKING]
[SIGHS]
A two-piece special with lots of hot sauce
and all the fries you can give me.
Boy, wake up, it's almost chicken time.
What? I can't believe what you telling me!
Huh, what? No way! No goddamn way!
Hell, no! What is it?
Motherfuckers talking about they out of chicken!
What? Listen! Listen!
WOMAN [ON PA]: Welcome to Kernel's Fried Chicken.
We are out of chicken at the moment.
Please go away until we have more chicken.
Thank you. God bless. They ran out of chicken?
Aw, man, this is some old bullshit!
No chicken? I ain't gonna be able to get that bucket?
How can they be out of chicken?
It's Kernel's Fried Chicken!
This is outrageous! This is an outrage!
Hello? 911?
No, I ain't calling to snitch, I got a real emergency.
Yeah, I'll hold.
Some of us have been looking forward to this day
for a long, long time.
Hello? My emergency?
These fools done ran out of chicken.
Welcome to Kernel's Fried Chicken. Unfortunately...
MAN: I ain't leaving this motherfucker
until I get my chicken!
I'm standing out here waiting!
That's what they do. Keep screwing the little man.
They're not gonna get away with this.
You right! Hey, he right!
It's time for us to fight back!
Let's knock some motherfuckers out.
We are not gonna take it anymore!
[ENGINE STARTS]
WOMAN: Huh? [GROWLS]
[CROWD SCREAMING]
[ALL SHOUTING]
Tonight, civil unrest explodes
in several major American cities.
There have been reports of fires, looting,
and violence in the streets.
All over a fast-food promotion gone terribly wrong.
As the first customers tasted the new secret recipe,
reviews were stellar.
Yo, motherfucker! This... Yo, nigga.
This shit is bad as fuck.
Put this shit in your mouth.
Eat that motherfucker! Eat it!
But early on in the day there were signs of trouble.
Impatient crowds, drive-through lines stretching for miles,
scuffles between tired and hungry customers.
How you gonna say you got chicken
and you ain't got no chicken?
You knew y'all was gonna do this for a year!
How am I supposed to feed my family now?
I want my [BLEEP] chicken!
My babies want their [BLEEP] chicken!
[DOOR OPENS]
I can't believe after all that, no chicken!
I always miss out on the hot new thing.
And now, another crisis brewing,
this one around a mysterious virus
that seems to have appeared out of thin air
and is spreading like wildfire.
Already there are 400 confirmed cases
of the mystery virus in all 50 states,
and the CDC warns it could spread
to hundreds of thousands by the end of the week.
Personally, I'm scared shitless, and for good reason.
Where this virus came from is anybody's guess.
It's the chicken.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
GRANDDAD: Who is it?
HUEY: Have you eaten the chicken?
Huh? Huey, it's Tom and Jazmine.
Have you eaten the chicken?
Ha-ha. No.
What?
Huey, did you hear about the mystery virus?
Huey, you've got Jazmine terrified
about all of this end of the world stuff.
Tell him, Huey. Tell him the end is coming.
Look, if you guys wanna play
your little make-believe survival games that's fine.
But sweetie, I promise you, the world is not going to end.
Please, Daddy. It's not safe.
Honey, I have to pick up your mother.
Stay as long as you want, have fun.
Call me when you wanna come home.
No!
He made his choice. You in or out?
[WHIMPERS]
Nobody, anywhere saw it coming.
Oh! It's being called
the fried chicken flu.
Thousands are sick, and CDC officials confirmed today
that the same fried chicken responsible
for a second day of riots around the country
is also responsible for a pandemic
that experts are saying could reach biblical proportions.
I've never seen any fucked up shit like...
I gotta get out of here! Get out of my fucking way!
[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
[***]
Oh, my God!
Oh, man, this is terrible.
Now we'll never get to try that chicken.
ANCHORMAN: Today the mayor of Louisville ate chicken
at a press conference in a show of support.
Seven hours later, he was in a coma.
Yet amazingly, people are still eating chicken.
Packing into the few restaurants
that still have the golden bird in stock.
Willing to risk life and limb for a leg and a thigh.
We're all gonna die!
We're not going to die.
No, she's right. We're all gonna die!
[CRYING]
God, please, take everybody else, but not me!
We are not going to die.
This is the day I've been planning for my whole life.
Here is the survival plan.
It contains guidelines for security,
food and water rationing, energy usage,
communications, et cetera, et cetera.
What? Nigga, what is this, homework?
Everything you need to know is in your packet.
It's easy to understand, and I used extra large type.
Uh, I don't like to read instructions.
Yeah, and I don't like to read period.
Just give us the gist.
No. You need to read all of it.
It's all important.
Okay, but what's the most important stuff?
[SIGHS]
I guess the most important thing
is that we keep quiet about our emergency supplies,
and we don't let anyone else in the house no matter what.
Fine. Agreed. What about Mommy and Daddy?
There's nothing we can do for them. They're goners.
Huey's right, they're on their own.
They gonna die.
[CRYING]
Hey, man, she gonna be crying like this all the time?
'Cause I say if she is we kick her out.
Shh! Everybody shush! Shush!
President Obama is talking.
He's gonna tell us what to do.
My fellow Americans. Uh, good afternoon.
I'd like to start off by thanking all of you out there,
uh, who have called and written letters
about the safety of the First Family.
You'll be happy to know
that Michelle, Sasha, Malia, myself and Bo are all fine.
Don't nobody care about you, man!
Tell us everything will be okay for us.
Everything is going to be okay...
for us.
We are currently in our very own super-secret
underground bunker with enough food and water
and entertainment to last several lifetimes.
But I'm here tonight to talk about you.
In times of crisis, Americans pull together.
And what's gonna get us through this difficult time?
Sharing. Sharing?
Lending a helping hand to a neighbor in their hour of need.
No. Fuck a neighbor. What we need is a cure.
Unfortunately, there is no cure for the pandemic we now face.
But we do have an even more powerful weapon.
Compassion for our fellow man.
No! Fuck compassion for our fellow man!
In conclusion I want to say
that we are all in for some tough times ahead.
And when I say we, I mean you.
But Michelle, Sasha, Malia, myself and Bo
are gonna be right here, rooting for you all the way.
Good night, and God bless you.
And may God bless the United States of America.
We all gonna die!
[BOTH CRY]
We all gonna die!
[BLENDER WHIRRING]
Hey, good morning, Huey.
You want some breakfast?
[SIGHS]
Granddad, what's going on?
Just a little breakfast.
Oh, by the way, this is Tina.
She's gonna be staying here until the crisis blows over.
Granddad, the plan was for four people.
How come you get to have a friend
and I can't have a friend?
It's not a slumber party, Granddad.
I planned on Jazmine being here.
I didn't plan for anyone else.
Well, your plan sucked.
You think the world's gonna end and I'm gonna be trapped here
looking at y'all sweaty-necked Negroes?
[DOORBELL RINGS] Ew! I'll get it.
Granddad, wait! Granddad, the emergency plan says
we don't open the front door
until we know the identity of the person outside
and can confirm they don't have...
What do you want?
Hey, uh, Riley told me y'all had
a fly little emergency setup over here and
to be honest a nigga was kinda wondering
if he could hold it down for little while.
Ha-ha! What up, Thugnificent?
Granddad, can he stay with us too?
No! Why should I help him?
Look, old nigga, this fried chicken flu
is kinda scaring a nigga.
Motherfucker is wiling out and shit.
I don't know shit about survival. I'm a rapper.
No! Nope. Sorry.
That's a cold situation.
Both of y'all get friends and I can't have a friend?
He does have a point. I don't play favorites.
Don't think I came here empty-handed either.
Ain't nothing thugnificent
about being a freeloader, you smell me?
Leonard!
Yo, anybody hungry?
I got the whole menu right here. Mm-hm.
Minus the chicken, of course.
Check it out.
We got singles, doubles, bacon doubles,
double bacons with a little bit of meat on it, fries,
Frostys, some chili-cheese.
I wouldn't touch that, though. I taste it on the way here.
I ate all the chili-cheese, that's why I said
don't taste it, but who wants some other stuff?
Granddad, this is not in the plan.
Well, according to the plan all we got to eat
is Cheerios and green beans so once again your plan sucks.
You got a bacon cheeseburger?
Here you go, Mr. Freeman.
Thank you kindly. [LAUGHS]
Where my room at, nigga?
Now again, we don't want anyone to panic,
but let's look at some
of the projected casualty rates by state.
Let's start with New York,
projected million and a half dead.
Maryland, 300,000 dead.
Florida, a million and a half projected to push up daisies.
And now certain fears that the virus may have
jumped franchises and may be infecting chickens
from Bluto's, Temples Chicken, even Chick-le-fai.
Damn, everybody's catching this shit, man!
That must be some good ass chicken!
The real tragedy is
that we may never ever get to eat fried chicken again.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[THROUGH MONITOR] Robert? Huey?
Anyone home?
Say no.
Hey! Mommy and Daddy!
What do you want? This...
[VOICE DISTORTED] ...is a restricted area.
Hey, uh, it's us.
We're just checking on Jazmine, and, um,
wondering if it was too late to...
Is Huey home? Can we just talk to Huey, or Robert?
HUEY: This is Huey.
Huey, let us in. I can't.
JAZMINE: That's not fair! You let everyone else in!
GRANDDAD: They're on their own.
We don't have enough food for two more people.
What about what Leonard brought?
No way, that's for us.
Guys, it's us! Tom and Sarah!
We are your neighbors and dear friends.
We've had so many hilarious adventures together.
Come on.
You're really gonna leave us out here to die?
SARAH: Oh, come on! [WHISPERS] We should let them in
because Jazmine will start crying
and we'll never get her to shut up.
Okay, I guess. Step closer to the camera.
[BEEPING]
They can come in. Really?
Thank you, Huey! Thank you, thank you!
They're not allowed to eat anything.
Works for me.
[WHIMPERS]
[***]
[SLURPS]
LEONARD: I like it when the burger is stuck in my teeth,
I can get it out and eat it too.
[SIGHS]
Nine people.
We don't have anywhere near enough food and water.
I agree. There are way too many darkies in this house.
Ruckus? What are you doing here?
Oh, funniest thing happened.
I was in the attic replacing some of that insulation
like you asked me to, Robert.
Then it was like some kind of explosion,
then it went black and I hit my noggin.
I just woke up like five minutes ago.
You've been here this whole time?
Yeah, but don't you worry.
Old Uncle Ruckus is fine, I'm just fine.
Oh, I noticed the president was on TV.
What was that well-dressed nigga talking about?
GRANDDAD: Get the hell out!
Please don't send me out there! Come on, go!
I don't want the chicken flu!
Lord, I'm too young to die!
Please, I swear I'll never say anything about darkies again!
No. Get your fat ass out of here!
[GRUNTS]
GRANDDAD: Here, have a gas mask.
[RILEY LAUGHS]
Asian stocks posted their biggest single-day decline
in history because of the fried chicken flu outbreak...
The government in Pakistan collapsed today
as a result of the fried chicken flu pandemic...
Authorities say fried chicken flu is responsible
for the tsunami that hit the coast of Vietnam this morning...
With everyone either sick or afraid of getting sick,
the nation has come to a complete standstill.
Hospitals are overwhelmed, as are all basic services.
Power, water, cell phones, and Internet service provi...
What? What's that?
We're going live to yet another address from President Obama.
Good evening. My fellow Americans,
I want you to know in this time of crisis
I am personally doing everything I can to help you
and by everything I mean sitting here
and talking to you in a calm, soothing voice.
And as long as you can hear my voice,
everything is going to be just fine...
Oh, no! Oh, man!
All that work. All that planning.
Why did I even try?
Because you're different from everyone else.
Okay, try it.
[GENERATOR WHIRRING]
[GASPS]
I knew you could do it.
[SIGHS]
Oh!
[***]
Guys, wait! You're gonna use up all the power.
What, boy?
You're gonna use up all the power!
I can't hear you! We have too much electronic equipment
running at the same time!
I'm scared of the dark! Damn!
[***]
[GROANS]
[SIGHS]
How long we gotta be up in here?
It's been like a week and a half,
it's getting a little old, all right?
No one's forcing you to stay here.
I get it, you want me to leave and get the fried chicken flu?
Is that it? You trying to kill a nigga, nigga?
WOMAN [ON PA]: Robert Freeman!
This is the Woodcrest Fried Chicken Flu Militia.
We demand to speak with you at once.
We understand you are hoarding emergency supplies.
This is a serious offense in a time of crisis.
You tell them, Ms. Von Hausen.
They got all types of goodies up in there.
They got green beans and Cheerios, and drinkable water.
Even a device that lets you pee in a cup
and drink it right back in again.
Still tastes like pee, but you get the idea.
The Woodcrest Fried Chicken Flu Militia
will enforce the law until order is reestablished.
We demand that you let us in to inspect your house.
Huh?
HUEY [VOICE DISTORTED]: No.
I insist, Mr. Freeman!
Let us in at once!
Let me try.
Get the fuck on!
Mr. Freeman!
We are not leaving until you allow us in.
That bitch must have lost her mind.
We gotta do something. What should we do?
It's in the plan.
Did anyone read the plan?
[ALL MURMURING]
I did!
Hm. Homemade tear gas.
Homemade teargas. That's an idea.
Uh-uh. Yeah, that's it.
That's the ideal response.
That'll solve our problems.
[***]
Hey, old woman! Suck on this!
That's right! Eat an old dick, old bitch!
[GASPS]
Fall back, faggots!
Now, Riley, there's no need to be homophobic.
Eat it, you pussy punk bitches!
[CROWD YELLING]
The terrorists are using chemical weapons! Retreat!
[ALL SHOUTING]
Yay!
How do you know if someone has fried chicken flu?
Well, it normally starts with a temperature,
and excessive sweatiness.
After that, tremendous stomach pain.
[GROANS]
Headache. Loss of balance.
As mucus builds up, they will begin
to have an incredible amount of snot.
Soon after that, the inevitable projectile vomiting.
[SCREAMS]
TOM: Oh, God!
Okay, stay calm, stay calm. Oh.
Tom, Tom.
Can you hear me?
[GROANS]
Tom, I need to know how you contracted the flu.
Did you leave the house?
No. I was so hungry, I... Leonard.
It was so delicious.
[***]
I swear my left hand, right hand to God,
I did not feed him no chicken.
Just some fries and some Buffalo wings.
Oh, man, there was chicken in here all this time?
Chicken? No, no, not chicken.
Buffalo. You ain't just hear me just say Buffalo wings?
When I tried one I thought to myself,
"This tastes like chicken." But the fact it was a buffalo,
I was like, I don't wanna say it out loud,
y'all gonna think I'm stupid.
That's why I ain't get no chicken.
GRANDDAD: Get out of here! THUGNIFICENT: Hold up, man!
You too, you nasty ass hooker!
It ain't like that!
I didn't just catch you on top of Tina?
Well, yeah, you did,
but I swear I thought it was cool, man.
You thought it was cool? How is that cool?
I swear to God, man, she told me you wouldn't mind.
I thought you was sharing with the homey!
It ain't no fun unless...
Nigga, you know what I'm talking about.
I thought we was tag teaming on the ass, man, all right?
That's disgusting. Get out! All of you. Out!
Out! Please, please, please,
let me stay! GRANDDAD: Get out of here.
I'm sorry I smashed your broad. What we gonna do?
I didn't mean to kill Tom.
I fed him 'cause I wanted him to live.
And now he not gonna live, so it's like, why'd I feed him?
But I didn't mean to kill him.
THUGNIFICENT: Come on, old nigga! We gonna die out here!
HUEY: Betty's going to come back.
And we can't defend this place by ourselves.
We have to go. Leave the house?
But where are we gonna go?
Don't know.
We'll have to take our chances.
TOM: You guys go without me.
I'm only gonna slow you down.
SARAH: Oh, honey, no. We'd never leave you.
GRANDDAD: Okay, if that's what you want. Come on, boys.
Mr. Freeman! It's okay.
There isn't enough room for the food and me.
Take the food.
Leave me.
[***]
GRANDDAD: Let's get them all. Put the cans in there.
Put it up there.
Tighten it up. Oh, my God, Tom, you heavy.
[GRANDDAD GRUNTS]
Don't die in my trunk.
[***]
Robert Freeman!
You, sir, are a terrorist and a threat to public good!
Prepare to be apprehended!
[LAUGHS]
[ENGINE STARTS]
After them!
Get on the bus! Get on the bus!
RILEY: Yeah! SARAH: Slow down!
[LAUGHS]
RILEY: Watch out!
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[JAZMINE SCREAMS]
[ALL SHOUTING]
[SIGHS]
* It's terrible in Terrabelle That's where I'm from *
* It's terrible in Terrabelle *
[ALL YELLING]
RILEY: Yeah, that's right!
Next time, niggas!
Ride out, old man!
I love you, Robert!
I'm sorry, old nigga!
What the fuck are y'all wearing?
We're here at a Kernel's Fried Chicken outside of Woodcrest.
It now seems that fried chicken flu
was actually just salmonella.
None of those millions of people projected to die have died.
In fact it appears nobody has died.
We are being told there are still large areas
without power, meaning many people are still not aware
that the crisis has ended.
We're going to go now to... Wait, I'm seeing something here.
Uh, it looks like something coming right at us...
Dear God! Run!
[ALL SCREAM]
WOMAN: Oh, my God! [RILEY COUGHS]
RILEY: Are we dead?
[ALL GROAN]
[CROWD CHATTERING]
TOM: I'm okay. SARAH: Honey?
GRANDDAD: Oh!
Can I get...
Can I get a two-piece and a biscuit?
And all the fries you can give me.
Oh. [HORN HONKS]
* Down to the gristle *
* Make you wanna Smack your mamma *
* It's bone-suckin' good *