This is DJ Suckaslam, spinnin' it old school tonight,
inviting all of New York to forget your Y2K worries, turn up your radio,
and help good old Chuck Brown bust loose.
♪♪
Oh, yeah. Bust it up, New York.
♪ I feel like bustin' loose Bustin' loose ♪
♪ Bustin' loose in the evening ♪
♪ Bustin' loose can be pleasing ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout bustin' loose ♪
♪ Bustin' loose in the meantime ♪
♪ Bustin' loose make you feel fine ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout bustin' loose Yeah, man ♪
♪ Bustin' loose to my love jones ♪
♪ Bustin' loose To each his own ♪
♪ Gimme the beat, y'all ♪
♪
♪ Hey, Leroy ♪
♪ Gimme some of that horn right here ♪
♪
♪ Gimme some of that horn ♪
♪ Well, well ♪ Wow!
Taxi! Ohh! Oh!
♪ I feel like bustin' loose Bustin' loose, y'all ♪
♪ Feel freaky deak ♪
♪ Feel freaky deak Feel freaky deak ♪
♪ Feel ♪
Can I give you a ride
♪ I feel like bustin' loose Bustin' loose, now ♪
♪ Bustin' loose when you want to deal ♪
♪ Bustin' loose doin' what you feel ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout bustin' loose, girl ♪
♪ Bustin' loose when you want to deal ♪
♪ Bustin' loose doin' what you feel ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout bustin' loose now ♪
♪ Bustin' loose when you want to sing ♪
♪ Bustin' loose Baby, do your thing ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout bustin' loose, girl ♪
♪ Bustin' loose when you want to sing ♪
♪ Bustin' loose Baby, do your thing ♪
♪ Gimme the beat, y'all ♪♪
♪♪ What's up
Oh, wow. You sure got a lot of confidence.
Ralph. Ralph Kramden.
Operator of this machine and, uh, this machine.
Alice. Alice Gibson.
What's up, Alice Gibson?
So, Ralph Kramden, you takin' me to Brooklyn, or what?
I'll take you anywhere you want to go-- Crown Heights, Red Hook, Bushwick.
I'll take you to the moon, Alice. Come on.
♪♪
I hope you're not gonna lose your job over this.
So what if I do?
This right here, this whole bus driver thing? This is temporary.
I'm an entrepreneur, and, uh, this is gonna make me a millionaire.
"Kramden International Y2K Ultra Deluxe Survival Kit"?
Yeah, and when Y2K hit, you gonna need all that stuff in there.
You think Y2K's gonna be that bad?
You ain't been watchin' CNN?
When every computer in the world shuts down on New Year's Eve,
that kit, plus a check or money order for 29.99 plus shipping and handling,
is the only thing that's gonna protect you against total chaos.
Wow. Total chaos?
Yeah. I mean, you know, if I'm lucky.
I guess my dream's a little bit more practical.
Oh, yeahMy own home.
Nothin' fancy, just a little place all my own. You know?
No landlord or haggling with the super to fix the pipes or rent increases.
Just... my name on a deed and...
some lawn chairs on the front porch so I can watch my kids play ball in the street.
You got kids?
I'm playin'.
Can't you feel it, Alice? We are on the verge of a new millennium.
You need to stick with your boy, because I'm about to blow up!
I mean, you'll see.
This job, these empty pockets, this waistline-- gone!
Yeah. One day--
I'm gonna own this town!
Is that what you think? I own this town?
I just asked you to talk to the super about the pipes, Ralph.
That's all.Today?
The Mets are in the seventh game of the World Series, and you know this, Alice,
and you want me to think about plumbing?
Okay.
So it makes a little noise. But so do you, and I've learned to live with that.
Ralph.
Fine. But I'm not dragging the super into this.
I'm calling my boy Norton. He works in the sewers. He knows pipes.
Yo, Norton!
What's up with the Mets?Today's the day, baby!
Yeah, buddy! Oh!
Oh, my God! What did you do to my baby?
I didn't do anything!Never mind them, Ralphie.
I got a new riddle for ya.
A man was born in 1955. What made him--
Look, not now!
Alice wants you to get down here and take a look at these pipes.
She's driving me crazy.All right.
Don't come down that. That thing is gonna kill you!
He's coming down the fire escape.
Hey, Alice.Hi, Ed.
Come on, Ralph. A man was born in 1955.
Today's his 18th birthday. How's that possible, huh?
1955 is not the year he was born, it's the number of the hospital room he was born in.
Damn, you smart.
What seems to be the problem, Alice?
Oh, listen, Ed.
I'm on it.
He's on it. Why's he gotta be on it? What happened to you?
Knock, knock! Morning, Kramdens.
Oh, hey, Trix. What do you got there, Trixie?
Ooh, I made French toast. Alice, I tried this new powdered sugar, Tasty Meds.
It's the one they give to the diabetics right when they wake up from the coma-- 99 cents.
It's a slight little aftertaste, but it's still good. Right, Ralph?
Mm
- Trixie makes Ed French toast. - That's 'cause Ed's not on Trimspa.
Oh, you got jokes. You just a regular UPN sitcom, huh, Alice?
I gotta get to these pipes. Look, just fix it, okay?
It'll be good to have some peace and quiet around here.
You-- You-- You--Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Ed, what'd you do now?
They wanted me to fix their pipes, baby.
Yeah, not knock a big whole in the wall!
That's where the pipes are.
If you'd just talked to the landlord like I asked
you to in the first place--That's a much better idea,
'cause I do my best work down below.
Ooh, now that is true, baby.You did say that.
I'm a professional. People always call me
Get out!
It's all right, baby. It's okay.
Yeah, ah-ah-ah-ah. Take the wife, leave the French toast.
Oh, man!See you at the diner, Alice!
Later, Trix.
Hey, Ralph, after work we're gonna watch that game--
Out!Ah!
Go Mets.
You are certifiable, you know that? You oughta have your head examined.
I'll have my head examined anywhere in the United States.
And you know what they're gonna find when they look in there? Nothin'!
I ask you to do one thing. One thing!
You never appreciate anything I do!
You always go on and on!
I can't take it anymore!
You gotta go. I am late.
Here's your lunch.
Hey, Tastykakes.Yeah.
Be careful. Always am.
Stay outta the bus lane!
Hey!Vivek, my man.
The Mets are goin' all the way, Ralph.
You'll do very well. Oh, yeah. You know that.
Do you have a wager on the game tonight, Ralph?
Well, no, not exactly.
Let's just say I'm taking advantage of certain economic opportunities.
Or as my investment guru Bart Roberts says,
"Kick open the door and opportunity don't have to knock."
That's Bart Roberts.
Order up.
Girls, come over here. Come over here. I have something to show you.
This is your new uniform.Oh, no, no.
You don't like it?
Mm-mmm, but I like the neckline, the "V."
The health inspector's coming soon, so we gotta keep everything clean.
Now, but I'm gonna show you something.
You see this? Ahh! Look at that.
See? Spotless.Voilà.
Yes.Excuse me.
I'd, uh-- I'd like to order.
Alice, please take him, 'cause I can tell he's gonna get on my nerves.
Hi. How can I help you today?
Yes, Alice, I would like an egg white omelet. And if I could get a clean glass of water.
Well, precious, we don't separate our eggs here,
and that's about as clean as it's gonna get.
Well, what do you have that's similar to an egg white omelet?
Eggs.
Well, then, by all means, why don't you just bring me whatever's convenient for you?
Ah! Do I need to take off my heels?
No, no. Not yet.
I've angered you. I'm sorry. It happens a lot.
Alice, hello.
Oh, hi, Miss Benvenuti. How are you?
I'm fine. Hi, Trixie. How are you?
Miss Benvenuti, what a pleasure. Please.
If you just buy my house that will be pleasure enough.
Miss Benvenuti, you're selling that cute little duplex over on Hart Street?
Yes, I can't take the winters anymore.
Mr. Davis here and his company are thinking of buying my house.
Yes, we are. So, uh, if you girls could just go and cook something--
Ignoring you.Yeah, I wish we would've known.
We've been looking to buy a duplex for years.
I'm sorry, but my company's already buying this one.
Yes, well, we're not a company or anything,
but we would like a nice place to move into with our husbands,
have a few little babies-- a little Trixie.
Everything's so expensive nowadays.
Yes, it is. Kind of wishing you hadn't
dropped out of high school right about now, huh?
Still ignoring you. So, Miss Benvenuti,
how much are you asking for the duplex?
Alice?
Cool.
Yo, Norton?
Yeah?Let's go, Mets!
Bottom of the ninth inning--
This is killing me!I'm telling you, Ralph,
the Mets is gonna do their thing. Don't worry about it.
But Cameron can't strike out this time, man.
I know. What is he doin'?
Yeah, right, I know. It's crazy.
The guy hit good. You know what I'm sayin'?
Ed, the most amazing thing happened today. You have to listen--
Baby, we don't bother you guys when you're watchin' your stories. Let us watch the game.
But we got great news though!
Not now, baby, okay? This is the last inning.
Shh!You have money on this game?
Uh, no. Look, I am a businessman, okay?
Not a gambler. Come on, Mets!
You guys remember Miss Benvenuti from the diner?
Well, she's selling her duplex.Mm-hmm. It's a huge duplex.
All we have to do is come up with $20,000 for the down payment.
But she's only giving us two weeks.
2-1 pitch. Cameron grounds it.
Just listen, just listen!
Come on. Between the four of us, we already have half of it.
They've got $5,000 saved, and we've got $5,300, right?
Something like that, give or take.
He's got a full count, man.
What are they trying to do, kill me right now?
Wait. What do you mean, "give or take," Ralph?
You didn't take any money out of our savings account, did you?
I don't know what she's talking about.
I know you know.Look, look,
maybe I went into our accounts, and maybe I took some money.
But then again, maybesomeone has a birthday comin' up...
and I'm just tryin' to surprise her.
My birthday's in eight months, Ralph.
Okay. Maybe I got the dates mixed up. She know who the boss is.
I know who the boss is.Here they go, man.
Make me some money, baby! This it right here!
Yeah!For the marbles!
3-2 pitch, Cameron swings!Go!
And sends it deep to left!He got ahold of it!
It's goin' deep! It's outta here!
Yeah! Yeah, the Mets!
Whoo!
My baby! You know we don't have no insurance!
Oh, he's fine. Norton, get up!
The Mets!Mets!
The Mets did it! They won!
What'd I tell ya?
The Mets! What'd I tell ya?
I'm gonna show you what's in these boxes. You wanna see? I wanna see.
There's money in these boxes, baby. Money, money, money.
Money for anything you want. Money for the house. Money for anything!
You gotta be fast on your feet to make it in this world.
Yeah, I feel ya.When I'm the first one to hit
the streets with this stuff--Yeah.
I'm gonna make a fortune.What stuff, Ed?
Mets stuff. Official merchandise.
Ralph met a guy on the bus who gave him a godfather deal.
Yeah, that's right. Godfather deal.
Yeah. Ka-boom!
Uhh-- Is--
Huh. Never seen a Met fan wear one of those.
No, that's a throwback.
No, it's gotta be in the other box. That's what's wrong.
No, we don't play.Yeah, this for the pay-- Just--
Yeah, it's this box.They just made a mistake.
Yeah, yeah. It's all good.
There it is. Get ready, ladies.
Yeah. Yeah, just to carry us over.
You'll soon see. Here we go.
There they are. Boo!
Ralph, why? You had to know better.
This would've been big money, baby. I mean, I was investing in your future.
Really? Like the time you invested $900 to market the, uh--
Ooh! The Pet Cactus.
Hey! Couple of kids get poked in the eye, and get corneal colitis,
and ruin it for everybody?Yeah.
That's not my fault.
Oh! My personal favorite: the velour fanny pack.
That's a man-purse, and I was this close to getting Al Roker to wear one on the Today Show.
Wasn't I?He sure was. He was this close.
I was with him the day--You're not helping.
Listen, Alice. We'll get the money for the house somehow.
No, we won't.
It's always gonna be like this, Trix--
living paycheck to paycheck, hand to mouth,
never having anything to call our own.
But, hey, it's cool, right?
'Cause most people in the world live like this. Right?
Just didn't think it'd be so hard.
Alice. Alice, come on.
I know from the outside lookin' in it seems as though I have a perfect relationship.
But the truth of the matter is, is that Alice and I don't always get along.
Wow, I never noticed that! Ooh! Look. Man, she's mad, but she'll get over it.
She wasn't mad. Mad you do get over.
Mad I can handle. I know how to deal with mad. But the look she had on her face, it was like--
She was disappointed in me, you know? Like she didn't believe in me anymore.
I don't now. If that's the case, then how do you come back from that?
Show her that you're sorry. Buy her ass somethin'.
With what? I'm broke!
Look. Check this out. I know a dude right now selling Cadillac wheels.
I'm talkin' about spinners, the gold ones.
We ain't got no damn car.
I also know a dude that sell hearing aids.
Norton!
Look, it's gettin' crazy out here, okay?
Come on. Let's go shoot some pool.
That's why I never like to brainstorm around you. You're very critical.
♪♪
Wait a second. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Why do you get to break?
I'll tell you why I get to break. Because you broke last time.
No, no, no. Youbroke last time.What? Fine.
We'll flip for it. Here, you call.
I wanna flip.Okay, flip.
Okay, I'm gonna flip it.Flip, Ed. Heads.
No, I wanted heads.Well, tails then!
I wanted tails too. I got a big appetite for tails too.
Just break!All right! I'm gonna do it!
You are the most ridiculous man I've ever met.
Maybe so, but I'm breakin'.
♪ How do, sexy ♪
♪ Oh ♪
♪♪
Would you just shoot?
That's on you, Ralph!
Oh, no, you don't, Norton.
Hey! Oh, it's on, baby!
Ralphie!Norton!
I can't I can't find my other hand!
It's right there. It's there. Right there. Hold up.
Dog, I'm gonna go back in.Calm down.
Ralph Ralph
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
What you doing? I wasn't about to go back in. What's wrong with you?
No time to play. We got a major backup in the sewer system.
How come every time a toilet clogs in this town they call you?
I'm a specialist.
It's like being a brain surgeon or Spider-Man.
Spider-Man! Spider-Man wouldn't have got us
beat down and thrown out of no pool hall!
Come in, Trix.
♪♪ [ Women Singing, Indistinct ]
What do you have on?
Don't act like you don't recognize my Ralph gear.
I got my loud-ass, lime-green T-shirt that should've made us millionaires,
my 1987 leopard-print fanny pack, complete inside with the baby Pet Cactus,
case a brother wanna get rowdy on the train, 'cause you know how they can act up--
and to top it off--
the rainbrella Kangol.
I'll wear it 24-7, 'cause rain ain't got no schedule.
It's kind of sexy. Go on, Alice. You gotta admit. Your man is tryin'.
Yeah. Yeah.
This is what I do! All right? Huh! No, you're right. Hey, hey, hey!
Hey, yeah! Yeah, bring the man!
Come on, Ralph. I know I smell a little stinky, but come on. Give your man some love.
I'm-I'm-I'm cool on the love, thank you.
Can we go?It's this way.
Come on, Ralph. I got something to show you. This is the scenic route.
We're lost, aren't we?
Ralph, if you lay it out end to end,
the New York City sewer system'll stretch about 6,600 miles--
a city beneath the city-- and I got it all right here.
It's just around here, Ralph.
Check this out. It's gonna be worth it.
Whoa!
City beneath the city.
Whoo, damn! Mahogany paneling,
velvet curtains.
This is bad.What'd I tell you?
We find these down here from time to time.
Owned by some rich white dude before flying got popular, Ralph. Solid brass.
Can you imagine that? Rich enough to own your own train.
Well, someone's going to. The city's auctioning it off. I don't know what for though.
Who would want to own their own train car?
Norton.
What is it, Ralph?This is it.
What's it?We buy the train.
We put an engine on it, slap some wheels on it, maybe a new paint job.
I can get Alice to decorate. And we'll give tours of New York City.
"I'm Ralph Kramden, and welcome to New York and all the five boroughs."
You know what, Ralph? Those tours make a lot of money too, man.
This is why you need me to do the thinking.
Yeah.Sometimes you gotta take
the long view.Yeah.
Okay, so, we won't be able to get the girls some little duplex now.
Right.But soon--
Yeah?we can buy 'em a palace.
Ahh!
Pow, pow! Yeah, man, this is it!
[ Man Calling Auction, Indistinct ]
Oh, yeah. This is the place where it's gonna go down.
Hey, I got another riddle for you, Ralph.
Norton, not now, okay? I'm assessing the room.
Look, look, look. 12:00, right there.
It's a fellow entrepreneur. I know one when I see him. He's looking at our train.
We don't have the cash to get into a bidding war.
We really don't.Now, according to my
investment guru Bart Roberts,
"If you know you can't compete, you may have to practice deceit."
Now, that there is a very fine train.
Ralph Kramden.Hitako Kawakami.
Oh. Well, thank you, Mr. "Hikato Kamakwami."
Uh, here we go. This is, uh, me right here.
"Ralph Kramden... International"?
Well, for now. But we are expanding to a more global approach.
Ahh.
Man, they must have dug in the archives for this old picture.
What do you mean?
This picture here doesn't look anything like the train they're selling.
Uh, no.
You've seen it? Have I seen--
Of course I've seen it. It's right out the door.
Come with me and I'll show you the train.
[ Auctioneer Continues, Indistinct ]
Sold! 230, lucky lady in the back.
Next up--It's back and to the left.
an off-site item, a Pullman train car.
Train car?
Let's start the bidding at $1,000.
One thousand dollars. I want to bid!
Do I hear two?Two thousand!
Ralph!Two thousand!
Two thousand from the guy over by the door.
Norton, stop!Twenty-five hundred.
Twenty-five hundred. It's going in the right direction.
No, no.
Three thousand!
Three thousand!Get him out!
Thirty-five hundred.No, no, I--
Thirty-five hundred going-- going--
Look! I'm bidding over here!
Once, twice, three times! The train is mine!
Sold! Thank you.
I wish you would. I'm a purple belt.
Ow.
♪ America, America ♪
You're so good, Trix. Why didn't you ever become a singer?
I know I should've, but I have acid reflux. You know that.
Uh-oh. It's the competition.
Hi, Alice. Hi, Alice's friend.
My name is Trixie, and I don't like you.
Oh, stop, please. We got off to a bad start.
I'd like to make amends.It's about time somebody does.
You want to live in the Benvenuti place, and I want to own it.
We can all get what we want.Should I cut him?
Let's go.No, listen, listen, listen.
I'm developing 15 affordable units on that property.
I'll save a big, fat sunny corner unit for each of you. I'm a fun landlord.
Fifteen units on that little lot? That... doesn't make a lot of sense.
I'm developing the whole block,
but I need her property to close the deal.
I think he's crazy, Alice. Look at him.
Forget it. We don't do crazy.
Mm-hmm!
How's it lookin', Lenny?It's not bad.
I have four or five old engines back at the bus yard, drive shaft, wheels.
I can turn this into a first-rate tour bus!
What'd I tell ya? What'd I tell ya? Ah!
Lenny, the best mechanic in the whole M.T.A.!
He said it. How much, Lenny?For Ralph,
whatever it costs for parts. I get most of them for free, if you know what I mean.
We're gonna be rich! We're gonna be rich!
Norton, what'd I tell you?You said it.
You're gonna be rich. Lenny, I'm gonna let you in on it too.
Hey, Ralph. I got one question for you.
How you gonna get this thing outta here?
Lenny, it's a train. Okay? We're just gonna roll it out.
Yeah, we're gonna roll it out.
How you gonna do that when all you have is, uh, 20 feet of track?
Uh-- You don't need--
You don't need track to roll a train out, do you?
We're 60 feet below street level. It's gonna cost you a fortune to move that train.
Well, Ralph,
it look like you Gladys Knight without the Pips.
What are you doin' out so late, Miss Celestine?
I could ask you the same question.
Well, it looks like I'm gonna be doin' a lot of double shifts from now on.
Oh, really? And what's your poison?
Gambling? Drink
Oh, no. No, no, none of that.
Just... worked myself into a jam trying to get along a little better.
Aren't we all?
♪♪
♪ Some people got to have it Hey, hey ♪
♪ Some people really need it Huh, listen to me, y'all♪
♪ Do things, do things do things Bad things with it ♪♪
Man, I worked four double shifts this week.
Damn, Ralph. We need to pimp some midgets. You know what I mean?
Yeah, tell me about it.
What was that?I don't know, man.
Sound like a big rat or somethin'. Come on. Let's go.
Norton, what are you doin', man?
Get away from the dump.
That's a dog. Oh, man, why would somebody do this to a dog?
Ralph, gimme some help.
What? No, I'm not comin' in no Dumpster.
Ralph, gimme some help.
Oh, come out! Pull him out!
Oh, wow.Look at him, Ralph.
I'm gonna clean him up, put him a nice little collar on him,
some rhinestones, call him--
Iggy!Iggy?
Iggy's a perfect name for a dog in the hood.
Come on. Don't get so excited. All right? We're not keepin' the dog.
Besides, the super'll never let us have him in the building.
I ain't got time for a dog anyway, Ralph.
The dog is not coming with us. Let's go.
Don't worry about it, Iggy. You comin' home with us, baby.
Oh, boy.Mmm.
There's some leftovers in the kitchen.
Oh, it's okay, baby.
I ate already with Norton. Sorry to wake you.
Oh, you didn't wake me. I couldn't sleep.
I keep hearing barking.
I think somebody snuck a dog in the building or something.
Oh, I'm sure you're just imagining things.
Ooh! These double shifts are killin' me.
Baby
That house means the world to me, and I'm not gonna lose it without a fight.
I mean, if we can't get the money by next Monday,
Mrs. B's gonna be forced to sell it to that idiot developer William Davis.
And, well, uh--
I'm gonna ask my mama for the money.
What? Your mama don't have that kind of money.
It's $10,000.
That's all we need, right?Well, sure.
That's if I hadn't spent the rest of it on the train.
Huh?
Just kind of addin' it up in my brain.
Um-- Mmm--
Baby, you really should go by and see the house. I mean, Norton's already seen it.
Well, yeah. Yeah. I'll get by there.
Yeah? Yeah.
Thank you.
I talked to some guys about getting the train out of the sewer.
How much?You don't wanna know.
We gotta get ahold of some cash-- today.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at that, man.Rent money. Rent money.
♪♪
♪ Universal b-boy, lookin' for the perfect beat ♪
♪ Beat, beat, beat, beat ♪
♪ Lookin' for the perfect beat, searchin' for the perfect beat ♪
♪ Lookin' for the perfect beat, seekin' for the perfect beat ♪
♪ I must get mine ♪ ♪ About to get it ♪
Sorry to disturb you at this time, ma'am.
My name is Ed.And I'm Ralph.
What a lovely home you have.
Help us. We can't see a thing.
Billy. What's up? It's Ralph Kramden.
How you doin'? Vacation-- Okay. It's "William" now.
Remember when I loaned you six dollars? You got that?
♪♪
The Brooklyn Youth Program is a program to keep young little brothers like ourselves...
off the street for stealin' hubcaps...
and breakin' in your house while you're not at home.
Yes.
♪♪
♪ Lookin' for the perfect beat ♪
Jenny Lincoln, you remember we went on a date,
and it was supposed to be Dutch, but I paid?
Two blind men and a dog.
That's a nice little sweater there.
Yeah. Hey. Mmm.
♪ This is what you gotta do ♪ ♪ This is what you gotta do ♪
♪ This is one thing you must do ♪ ♪ Beat this ♪
Throw a dog a bone! Throw a dog--
Wait a minute. I want some money. Now, wait a minute. Gimme five dollars, man.
♪ Lookin' for the perfect beat And it will help you beat your feet ♪
♪ Keep dancin' to our perfect beat ♪
♪ And it will help you
Aaah! Oh!
Get off of--
Ed, you've gotta do something about this dog.
I told you, I'm watchin' him for a friend.
Here, boy. Go get it!
Things go right with this house,
we can get a dog for the yard.
And name him Patches?Or Iggy!
Iggy?
♪ Baby, if you only knew ♪
I mean, man, have you seen the house?
Wow! It's got a backyard for Iggy and everything.
Yeah, man, so, uh, Alice invited her mother over for dinner.
Her mama's comin' o-- I better come over there with my referee T-shirt on then.
She plans on askin' her for the money for the house.
Wait a minute. You didn't told Alice about the train money?
Oh, no. Ooh. It's been my experience that too much honesty...
can ruin a good relationship.Yeah.
Look at 'em over there. What do you think they're talkin' about?
Us. Bad weaves. Fake Louis Vuitton purses. I mean, what do they always talk about?
Let's say the conforming interest rate is 6.5 percent at one and a half points.
Does that leave us room for a two
I don't think you'd wanna do that in the first three years, but we could run the numbers.
Hmm. Look at 'em over there.No, dog, no.
What do you think they're talking about?
You know how men are-- They'd like us to believe
they're over there talking about religion...
or politics or economic injustice.
You know all they really care about is--
Beyoncé is more peach-shaped.
Like the way Chaka Khan used to be back in the day.
Oh, Chaka Khan used to be built like a bleach bottle back in the day.
Yeah.Hey, Iggy.
Uh, uh, uh.
Go!
Damn, that dog can run.Oh, yeah. You better believe it.
Norton, that's it. We race Iggy.
How many years did you guys say you've been racing greyhounds?
Six. Oh, eleven. Uh--
Eleven years, but six times--
Those are dog years. Right. right.
Five or 10 years. He got into it first.
Yeah, actually, I brought him into the business.
Right.Actually, we are brothers.
Cousins.Different moms.
Well, my father used to train neglected Chihuahuas.
Gentlemen, it really doesn't matter.
What I do wanna know is, how it is you've been racing greyhound champions...
for six to 11 years, and I never heard of you.
Well, actually, I can explain that. You know, actually, we've--
The past few years we've been racing exclusively in Argentina.
Yeah, you might have seen us on Telemundo.
No, I didn't. I didn't know they raced dogs in Argentina.
Yeah, ever since the shah took over, you know--
The shah of Argentina?
Look, Mr. Kirby, we got a dog here who's itchin' to run. How about this weekend?
This weekend is the track's anniversary derby.
Oh, good. Sign us up.
Gentlemen, gentlemen. That's a $20,000 stakes race.
$20,000
What he is saying is that we don't normally race for such low stakes.
No, we don't.But we'll make an exception.
Oh, hell, yeah. We will make an exception.
Stop!
Well, kennel sickness has hit us pretty hard this week.
Uh, it's a very extensive screening process.
Who's his sire
His dam
His lineage?
Are you talking about his tailor?
No, he don't wear clothes.He's got a 10-inch inseam.
Mr. Kirby, look. We got a dog.
He's ready to run. You've had some scratches.
All we want is a chance.That's it.
All right.
All right, I'm gonna give him a time trial tomorrow. If he qualifies, he runs.
Oh! That's what I'm sayin'.Who's his trainer?
Oh, he don't need no trainer.
He don't need no trainer. He's housebroken.
He needs a trainer.
Get Dodge. He's the guy for you.
You Dodge?
Hell, no. You got the wrong sucker.
Why Who's askin'?We're lookin' for a trainer.
Well, why didn't you say so, man? What, are you socially retarded?
What's up? My name is Dodge. Hey, what's up?
Okay. WhoYeah.
Oh, that's cool, 'cause I'm a canine behaviorist.
I train, board and breed greyhounds.
I specialize in temperamentally unsound, psychologically unstable, genetical throwbacks.
I do not pick up excreta. And I run my facilities right out of this place.
Says here you sell time-shares in the Poconos.
What? Let me see that. Oh, yeah.
My bad, man. Wrong card, man.
"Importifications," underage mail-order brides,
S and M fashion consultant--
You know what? We don't need cards. We don't need cards.
We're dog people. We got a-- a bond, a fellowship.
Hey, look at the dog. Look at him.
He seems really bright, alert. What's his name?
That's Iggy.I'm Ralph, and this is Ed.
Hey, Ralph, Ed-- You carry your dog around on a rope?
You siphon gas out of a car. What's your point, man?
WhatYeah.
You think I'm stealing? Man, that's my friend's car.
Come on. We prank each other all the time, you know?
I siphon gas out of his car, he siphons out of my car. Yada yada, blasie, blasie.
Hey, tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna train your dog for $500-- cash.
I don't know.Hey, you know what?
I'll let you think about it. All right? Give you a moment. Don't worry. No pressure.
I don't know, Ed. Does this guy look like a dog trainer to you?
What does a dog trainer look like? I don't know.
But Kirby said--Yeah-- Yeah, Kirby--
He said Dodge, right?That's what Kirby said.
Okay. All right. We'll do it. We'll do it.
All right. Good decision, man.Five hundred, cash.
Let's see, baby. Let me check.
Hey! Hey, nice man-purse.
You mean this fanny pack thing? I got this off a homeless guy in the park for a quarter.
See, some sucker made, like, a thousand of these.
Yeah, what are we gonna do about the trainin'?
It's like this. Let me break it down for you, okay?
We're a partnership now. A ménage a trois.
You put in the capital, I put in the experience.
At the end, you get the experience, I keep the capital. Is that cool?
Great. Great.
The thing is, I like to work at night, if you don't mind.
During the day it's just too crowded.
You know, too many people. Too many dogs.
So let's say we meet out back over there about 9:00 sharp.
Okay. 9:00? 9:00.
Remember, there are no bad dogs. Only bad owners.
All right? Remember that. I gotta bounce.
Hi, Mom.
Somewhere around the third flight of stairs,
I think I caught T.B.
Here.Oh, a pie.
Oh, and box of wine. That is so nice.
Don't get too excited. I'm taking back what we don't drink.
Just have a seat on the couch and relax,
and I'll just pop a hole in the top and bring you a glass.
Table setting for three-- Does that mean he's gonna be here?
He lives here. Not for long--
If Jesus would quit making movies and answer the prayers of a righteous woman.
♪ Seconds of pleasure ♪
♪ Life's little treasures ♪
♪ Baby Seconds of pleasure ♪♪
Hey, sweet pea.
Hell, no! No, no!
What happened?
You married a damn pervert, that's what happened.
Look, it was just a big misunderstanding.
Next you'll probably say you thought I was Alice.
Of course I thought you were Alice.
Aha! That's exactly what a pervert would say.
Woman, one day you are gonna push me too far.
The only thing that could push you is a bulldozer.
M Mom? How about you go wash up for dinner?
'Cause everything is under control here.
And, um, I'll just deal with my little pervert here.
What is she doin' here?
I'm asking my mother for the money for the house tonight.
Tonight? Yes.
No, no, no, no. Not tonight. Tonight--
You can't because, uh,
Norton and I have to go to the lodge.
The lodge?
What are you, Fred Flintstone all of a sudden
Look, I-- Woman, I got somewhere to be.
That's all you need to know, and that'sit.
I refuse to lose this house over another one of your half-assed schemes, Ralph Kramden.
HalfMm-hmm.
Let me tell you something.
This country was built on half-assed schemes.
I'm talkin' about real inventive stuff here.
Like the guy who came up with the thong, okay?
He was short on material, and he used what he had.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
I'm asking my mother for the money for the house tonight,
and I expect you to be on your very best behavior.
Look--Ralph... Kramden.
Your very best behavior.
Well. So far everything's edible.
Uh, how about I get the entrées?
Oh-- "Entrées." You going to France for those?
Just one good swing.
What are you doin'?
Trixie's coming home. I couldn't let her see Iggy.
You can't leave him here. Alice's mama is over for dinner.
She's in there right now, asking for house money.
So if Alice get the checks and she tries to deposit--
Yes.
I know. She's gonna know the account is empty.
That's why this meal can't go well.
How you gonna do that?
I know you're probably in there eatin' all our dinners.
Just don't make the same mistake you made last time.
When you hit plate, stop.
Oh-- Oh, you goin' straight to hell for this one.
Mother Gibson, that's free-range chicken.
What a chicken does on his free time is no nevermind to me.
Oh, this is way too much food for me. I'm on a diet.
Oh, here. Take my plate.
I don't have that much.Oh, thank you, baby.
You know, I wanted your mother to have the white meat.
Oh, no. I'm perfectly happy with the dark.
Well, give me the white meat then.
No, it's fine.
Ralph.No. Give me the white meat.
Give me the plate, woman!
Mama?
Mmm. Mm, mm, mm.
The chicken is delicious.
Ralph, eat.
Yeah. I've never seen you turn down food before.
So, what do you want, Alice
I thought we'd wait till after dinner to talk about that.
I thought you'd marry a lawyer.
Apparently we both thought wrong.
Oh, let me guess.
You need money?We wanna buy a house.
It's a duplex, actually-- With Ed and Trixie.
Well, you know, truth be told,
buyin' a house is a big investment.
Yeah, that is the truth. That is the truth, and it hurts.
You know? I can see that.
I've never seen you so torn up about money before.
We are putting in all of our savings, but we're still a little short--
About $10,000. $10,000?
Who do you think I am, Weezy Jefferson? God rest her soul.
Uh-- But it--
It's a beautiful duplex, Mama, with a backyard and everything.
Right near the diner, even.
So what do you think?
I think you should have married little Larry Fillmore.
I heard he's taking over the funeral home.
Just... give me some time to marinate on it.
That's fair enough.
Is something wrong with you?
You know, it's just that we've been so worried about asking you for the money for the house,
and, you know, sharing a meal over it is just a beautiful thing.
I'm ready for dessert. Anybody?Yeah. Mama brought a pie.
And Mama's goin' go get it.
Your mama's coming to the kitchen?
Your mama's going to the kitchen!
Tell the truth.
You're on the pipe, aren't you, boy?
Oh, there it is-- My famous apple, crumble, crisp pie.
Oh!
I don't even want to know. Where do you keep the paper towels?
Oh, right up under the, uh--
We don't, uh, have any.
We-- You know, I don't believe in that,
with the rain forest, and everything.
You know, there's something really, really wrong with you.
Where's the dog?He's right there.
Look, we gotta go right now.
They said if we don't get there by 9:00 we can't even race.
Well, they're not gonna let me leave right now.
Ralph, what are you doing? Come join us for dessert.
Okay, babe. I'll be in in just a second. The pilot light went out.
He's fixing the pilot. He's handy.
How do we get out of here?
Fire escape. Oh, hell, no.
Boy, you comin' in here or not? My pie is gettin' stale.
I got another riddle for you.
What's lighter than a feather, but yet the strongest man can't hold it very long
Not now, Norton, okay? I'm trying not to break my neck up here.
Come on, Ralph. What's lighter than a feather--
Your breath.Wow. You're a genius.
Ralph?Almost got it, babe.
I'll be right there.
Now, you sure this thing can hold us?
We come down this all the time, Ralph.
Oh, man.
Norton, you know I hate heights.
Come on, Ralph. You could do it.
Just chill, man. I'll help you.
I can't, man.
I ain't gonna be able to do this, man.
Ralph, you're gonna get us busted.
Go slow.
Hold on, Ralph. Come on, Ralph.
What's the noise, man?Come on. Come on.
I think I'm-- I'm cool, right? I'm good.
See, Ralph
Oh, geez.
You see anything No.
Now, where'd that crazy husband of yours run off to?
Uh, you know, Mom, I think he said something about a meeting at the lodge tonight.
Shh. Shh.
Oh, well. That's more dessert for us.
Ralph, I gotta confess something to you.
Just-- Man, just hold on.We're gonna die.
I gotta get my life right with the Lord.
One day I was comin' down there to get some milk from y'all on the fire escape,
and I seen Alice naked.
I ain't lyin'.
And sometimes I think about it.
You
Huh?
Ah!
I forgot my keys.
Yeah, right.
Hey, I'm not gonna lie to you, man.
I'm having problems, okay? My wife left me.
All right, technically she's notmywife, she's somebody else's.
But the pain lingers all the same, you know what I mean?
Duck! Duck!
What you mean, "duck"? What's goin' on?
It's okay. It's okay. No problem. He didn't see us.
Are we breakin' in here?
We're not breakin' in. Why you profilin'? Why you profilin' me?
It's a competitive business. I don't want other trainers to steal my secrets.
Okay, fellas, dog racing is about show business, and the show counts.
And it starts the minute you walk your dog onto the battlefield.
And this is the walk.
Brisk, brisk, brisk, brisk, brisk, brisk.
Arms down. Arms down. Arms down.
Confidence. Don't be arrogant. Don't be arrogant.
It's not a tug-of-war. It's not a tug-of-war.
Watch out. Watch out.
Get the dog. Get the dog. Get the dog.
There you go. Good boy.
He's great, man. Sixty-five pounds, less than four percent body fat.
All muscles. Yeah.
You know, I had a French aerobics teacher.
Leslie was her name. Just like that. Really flexible.
Except not enough soft places. You know what I'm sayin'?
Right?
Okay, for Iggy to be competitive,
he's gotta run at least a 32.30.
This is the moment of truth, fellas. Ralph, Eddie, you ready?
Three, two, one.
All right, fellas.
We run into a couple problems. Nothing minor.
I gotta train his mind.
That's it, Iggy. Relax. Relax. That's it.
Good boy. Breathe.
Breathe. That's it. Ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff.
You know, my parents find it really difficult...
to explain to people what I do for a living.
Hmm.
Iggy, you are one of the most ancient canine breeds.
The pharaoh's favorite. The Greek king's son.
You're a born winner. A born winner, boy. Live up to it.
Uh, I don't know. I don't know.
Listen to me, pooch. Okay? I'm talking to you.
Nobody quits on Tony Montana, you hear me?
You're a dog. It's a racetrack.
You can win this thing.
Hey, baby, listen to me.
I'm not who you think I am. I'm not the best trainer in the world.
I started out with nothing, and I've still got most of it left.
They wanted me to get you pregnant by a pit bull.
Iggy, Iggy-- Look at me when I'm talkin' to you!
Your dogs would have had little bodies with big heads,
and just walkin' down the street like this.
You coulda been a contender, but instead, you're a bum!
You win that race, you get the power, and then you get the bitches.
Oh, yes. So many bitches.
All right, fellas. The dog's a straight-up dud.
What do you mean, the dog's a dud?
You're a trainer. Train the dog. I've seen this dog move.
I've seen him move too. You'rea dud. Iggy?
Were you-- Were you drinkin' at the time? When you saw him move?
Iggy, it's not that hard.
Watch this.
Let me think about it. Let me just think.
I got it. I got it.
Why don't we Nancy Kerrigan the other dogs?
You mean hit the dogs in the knee?
Just the back. The hind legs.No.
All right. That's a little too aggressive for you?
Don't worry about it.Vitamins?
Little stronger than that. Works for me.
Nobody needs to know. They don't screen dogs.
They don't? No. No.
Nobody needs to know. Just you and me.
What'd you get?
That was fast. Hey, nice lap, Norton.
Eddie--
Eddie, what do you think?
I don't know how we gonna get this dog to run.
Check that out.
Hey, boss. Psst, psst. Check that out.
You're impressed with it, ain't you?
He's in.
All right!Yeah!
Assuming you have all the proper paperwork.
You bring it to the owners' party, here tomorrow night.
Not a problem, Mr. Kirby. We'll have that paperwork for you.
We'll definitely have the paperwork tomorrow. What paperwork?
It's the dog's paperwork documenting authenticity of line,
license to race, proof of insurance,
membership in the Greyhound Association of Amer--
Oh, wow. All the things you ain't got.
We can get it.No, you can't.
'Cause you know why? It's a three-week hold
on the license alone, man.Dang.
'Cause you're my friends I'll expedite it for $600.
I'll get it to you by tomorrow.Six hundred dollars?
No, no. No way, man. You already charged us
for the kennel, the dog leash-- $60 for puppy chow.
That was Pedigree Puppy Chow, man.
Come on.I got overhead. All right, $300.
Excuse me.Are you the health inspector?
Uh, look. Uh, nice and clean. Spotless.
No, no, no. I need to speak to Alice Kramden, please.
Oh. Alice is busy.Excuse me?
Do you know who I am?
Uh-- Uh, no. No. You know who I am?
I was born in a one-bedroom farmhouse...
with five brothers-- who I raised.
I was born in China 80 years ago in a Chinese rice field.
I served my country in Vietnam...
where I was a Golden Gloves champion three years running.
Before when I come, my English not good-looking, but now I speak perfect.
I raised six kids, buried two husbands...
and am on the lookout for number three.
Can I call you next week
Mama, what are you doing here?Oh, hi, baby.
Uh, I just thought I'd, uh, drop this off in person.
Thank you!
You're welcome.
Trix, we got the money for the house.
I can't believe it.
I didn't think you were gonna do it.
Well, I was skeptical.
But Ralph seemed so genuinely worried about it,
I figured maybe he's just comin' around.
Yeah, maybe he is.Thank you, Mama!
You're welcome.
Once this is leveled, it'll make a nice entry to the underground parking.
Excuse me.
Here to reconsider my offer?
I'm actually here to give Mrs. B some news-- some really good news.
Well, she's not here.
Please share it with me.I'd love to.
We're gonna own this place. Yeah.
Ed and Trixie upstairs, and me and Ralph down.
Ralph--Ralph my husband.
Oh.
What's so funny?I'm sorry. It's just, you know--
Come Monday, you'll be trespassing.
Tell me this. If there's no money in her account,
then why is this waitress hangin' around my property?
Sir, I told you. I checked.
They have nothing.No, they've got something, Chip.
They've got something somewhere.
Find out what the husband is up to.
Ralph Kramden.
That woman I was telling you about-- Her name is Marlena.
She's Puerto Rican.
My God. I've tried to talk to her, but words won't come.
I could tell you a thing or two about women. That's if you're ready to hear it.
It all begins with letting her know who's boss.
Very important.
Alice! What-What are you doing here?
I just came from the bank. It's a funny story. You wanna hear it?
Let her know who's boss, Ralph.Uh--
Uh, look, uh-- I can explain.
Oh, can you? Can you now?
I tell the bank I wanna withdraw $4,000,
and they tell me not only is our account empty-- here's the punch line--
we're overdrawn by $223.60.
Whoa. The bank said that? No, no, no.
There's gotta be a mistake, baby,
'cause I don't know nothin' about no 60 cents.
Where's the money, Ralph?
Uh, I can explain, all right?
But, You know, taken out of context, it might sound a little crazy.
Try me.
Norton and I found a train in the sewer, see, and--
I want you out of the apartment, Ralph.
H-Hold on. Babe, wait a minute. Listen. Listen.
Then we got this dog out of the Dumpster and--
I don't wanna hear it.
I'm done.
Come on, baby. Just 24 more hours.
Okay? Twenty-four more hours, and then we can get on to the life...
we've both dreamed of.
And what life is that, Ralph
You've always been so obsessed with your own dreams...
that you never even bothered with mine.
How can you say that?
I want the house just as much as you do.
Then why haven't you been by to see it?
'Cause--
I mean--
Because you're selfish, Ralph Kramden.
And I'm done playing the fool.
Come on! Move it! All right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Whatever.
Go ahead. Be my guest.
Aaah!
Luckily for me, man, I'm nearsighted,
so I can date just about anybody, you know?
I understand what you're sayin'.I'm dating this lady--
She's about 40, 40-plus. Whatever.
I don't wanna marry her for her money, but I don't know how else to get it.
You know what I'm sayin'?
You know, someday I'm gonna find somebody special...
who's not gonna press charges.
There he is. Finally.
Hey, keep it close.
Ralphie boy.
Ralph, what are you wearin', man? This is a "A" list party.
You got "D" list all over you, man. Look at me.
I'm wearing new underwear, even. They're new to me anyway.
Look, I couldn't change, okay? Alice kicked me out the house.
Again?She found out about the money.
Madder than a mug about the house.
It's serious.Don't worry about it, Ralph.
Tomorrow, when Iggy's in that winner's circle, we goin' get paid,
and the money will buy the girls the house.
Yeah, maybe you're right. Hey, you got the paperwork for Kirby?
Yeah, I never disappoint 'cause I'm always on point, baby.
Well, let's do this, man.Ralph.
They're not gonna let you in dressed like a thug.
Uh
Besides, where I'm gonna find a suit at this hour?
Man, Ralph, you lookin' real Temptation-like in that suit.
I know you ain't trying to joan lookin' like the last Blues Brother.
Oh, man, you look great. You look like a plucked sunflower.
Girls love flowers, man.
Oh, wow. You know, I love all your stuff.
I really, really do.
What stuff is she talkin' about, Ralph?
I have no idea.
You guys are great. Lookin' forward to it.
What's goin' on here, man?They must know we own Iggy.
I'm tellin' you, that dog's a winner, Ralph.
Whatever. Hey, let's find Kirby.
Right, right, right.
You kill me.
Hey, Mr. Kirby. How are you?
Oh.
Mr. Kramden, uh, that is quite a suit.
You dig that suit, huh?
It would suit you, but unfortunately I'm out
of the banana yellow. I got some pumpkin left.
Pumpkin? You didn't say nothin' about no pumpkin.
Mr. Kirby, I got the paperwork for Iggy to be in the race tomorrow.
Iggy won't be in the race tomorrow. He's been scratched.
Scratched? What do you mean, scratched? Scratched?
I bribed the top people. I was on procedure to get this through. Come on.
I'll be perfectly honest with you.
You see, my new friend over there...
has just paid a good amount of cash...
to keep your dog out of the race. Here we go.
Wait a minute. Who is this guy?William Davis.
I don't believe we've had the pleasure.
No, we haven't had the pleasure,
'cause if we had been pleasured, I think we'd have knowed about it.
Shh. Better if you don't talk, man.
Davis--
"Davis Properties" Davis?That's right.
That's the one Trixie was talkin' about.
And you are?
Ralph Kramden.
Oh, yes.
Well, it's just business. Nothing personal.
How is it just pers-- It's just business?
And since our business is over,
why don't you stay, enjoy the buffet and buy yourselves some drinks?
Mr. Kirby, come on.Boss, boss.
It's me, boss. Talk to me, baby.
Wha--That was a police move, man.
Let it go. Let it go.What do you mean, let it go?
Just let it go.I'm sittin' up here
lookin' like a rubber ducky, and you're talkin' about let it go.
Come on. Let's have a little free punch.
It's on me. Lighten things up a little bit.
'Cause I been thinkin' and thinkin',
and it doesn't look good.
Mmm. Doesn't smell good. That shrimp's got me with the bubble guts.
Look, Ralph. Ralph, you can't be hatin' on Kirby, man.
You can't. He's a self-made businessman, just like you and me.
He started out with $5,000, and now he's $2 million or $3 million in debt.
You gotta admire that. I ain't got no taste, but I gotta admire that.
You know? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ralph.
But sometimes the world is cold like that. It is about money sometimes.
Yeah, it's about money. Look at Kirby.
He thought for one second he can get paid with Iggy,
we wouldn't even be in this situation.
I have been looking everywhere for you two. Come on.
What's goin' on?We're late. Come on.
Late for what?
Who do you think we are?Come on, Chang.
Everyone knows your yellow suit.What about-- What--
Chang?I'm excited to finally meet you.
How many times I told you not to call this number, huh?
Yeah, why-why you gonna call the cops?
I was gonna be there. I'll give you the money on Friday, right? Mom. Mom.
You were supposed to start five minutes ago.
Get up there.Huh?
What the--
And remember, you're getting paid per set.
Okay. Go on.
She said we was gettin' paid. Go on ahead.
Hey.Huh?
I have an idea.What kind of idea?
Just follow my lead. It's gonna be great.
Test. Testing.
Oh, yeah. This is great This is great.
♪♪ One, two, three--
Oh, yeah. Everybody follow me.
How are you, my man? Good seeing you.
This is some party, don't you think?
Beautiful people here this evening.
Hey, uh, listen-- How many dreamers, by a show of hands, do we have?
Where are the dreamers? All the dreamers?
Little around there. There's some dreamers.
I'm a dreamer.
Hey-- The dog.
Get the dog.
Right. I got it. I got it, baby.
Yes. The dog.Got this one.
Yeah, I-- You almost got me.
Well, I too am a dreamer.
And I had a dream that my dog would race...
on this beautiful track tomorrow afternoon,
but that dream just won't happen because our dog has been scratched...
due to financial technicalities.
♪♪
Eddie "Left Hands" Norton, everybody. Wow.
What a surprise that is. You don't know the half of it.
But Eddie's beautiful music only underscores the fact...
that my dog has been scratched.
Scratched on paper.
Not scratched in spirit. Yeah.
And-And this man, Dodge-- This is Dodge, our trainer, and--
Come-Come on.
This is Dodge and our dog Iggy.
And I know to look at him-- Sure, he looks a little mangy...
and sickly lookin' and in need of a bath,
but I tell you, Iggy's a special dog.
You know, we found Iggy in a Dumpster.
Damn near dead.
Hadn't eaten in days.
But like most underdogs, Iggy's a survivor--
Like Seabiscuit, Rocky, Destiny's Child. All survivors.
You know, I guess I'm just sayin' this...
to say that, Mr. Kirby, I don't know why...
you're not letting our dog race tomorrow,
but he's already a winner in my book,
and I'll put money on my Dumpster dog any day of the week.
Yeah!Any day, Ralph.
So would I!Me too!
You're not buying any of this crap, are you?
A homeless Dumpster dog. You're kiddin'.
People are gonna be fallin' all over themselves bettin' on him.
Mr. Davis, I'm sorry.If that dog wins, I'm screwed.
That dog will never win. You see for yourself.
Mr. Kramden?
Iggy-- He's in.
He's in!
Bet on Iggy! Iggy!
Excuse me. Excuse me. What's going on here?
Who are they? It's my piano.
Iggy! Iggy! Iggy! Iggy!
Ralph Kramden, if you think you can just waltz back in here...
and everything's gonna be fine, you have another--
Oh. It's you guys.
And that dog.
What's going on?Ed's got quite a story.
He wants you to hear it.
He won't be up there.Who?
Dodge. That's who you're lookin' for, right?
Oh, sure. Exactly. Dodge. Yeah.
Oh, there he is. Hey, Dodge.
Dodge!
Hey. Hey, guys, what's up? How you doin'?
You probably thought that I was stealin' his money, right? No.
We're friends. We do that all the time. Yeah. Lonnie. Lonnie.
Hey, tag, you're it, man. See you at the barbecue next weekend.
Man! Look at you fellas, man.
You look mackin', packin', "blackadocious."
Your first race-- You know, if Iggy wins that first heat, man,
we're gonna go for the real money in the second race, a'ight? Now go up.
I'm gonna take Iggy. I want you guys to go up to the owners' booth.
Go up into the box up there. Enjoy yourselves. Don't be nervous.
What are you lookin' for?
I'm just-- Where is that popcorn man?
She's not comin', Norton.
I know you tried. You my boy.
Yeah.Yeah, man. It's okay.
Should we go down there?
No, no, Trix. I'm not ready yet.
Are you waiting to see if he wins? No.
Waitin' to see if he loses.
I know it'll kill him.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's post time...
for our qualifying heat.All right. Let's go, Iggy.
Do it, baby.Let's go, six!
And they're off!
Go, Iggy!Go, go, go!
Do it! Do it!Go ahead. Oh!
Stay inside!
The results for the qualifying heat--
In first place, number six, Iggy-- Yes!
with a time of 31.25.Man, we're gonna get that money.
We on our way, baby!That dog is unbeatable.
Don't worry about it. That was just the first heat.
The final is a whole different ball game.
Now, that puts him in the race for the money, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Only Ralph--
Our future depends on a dog race.
I didn't. I didn't sleep with her.
I just loaned her 10 "K" for plastic surgery.
Now I don't even know what she looks like.
A'ight, peace. You know, fellas, he's as ready as he's ever gonna be now.
Come on, Ig. We gotta review our strategy, baby.
Norton, it's a dog.
Ralph, stop hatin'. I'm trying to get Iggy to visualize his success.
You get him to visualize going back to that Dumpster.
That'll give him something to think about.
I'm sorry, guys.
Uh, nerves.
Iggy's got this one in the bag, Ralph.
I don't know, fellas.
This race is a lot tougher than you guys think.
Oh, man, there you go hatin'.
Iggy is goin'-- Them other dogs ain't-- Damn!
That ain't a damn dog. That's a horse.
Welcome to the big time, fellas. Welcome to the big time.
Come on, Iggy. If you win that race, you get this.
What do you think?Let's not jinx 'em.
Let's just see 'em after the race.
After they win the money?
Let's hope.
Now the featured race of the day--
the New Jersey Park Stadium Anniversary Derby...
for a $20,000 prize purse.Go, Iggy!
When you hear that bell, run like hell.
Go get 'em, Iggy.
Come on. Do everything I taught you. Come on.
And they're off!
Go, Iggy! Come on, Ig!
Come on, Iggy. Go, Iggy.
Come on, Iggy! Get out of there!
Iggy's in trouble. He's boxed in.
Run, Iggy! Run!
Maybe he needs his good-luck charm.
Come on, Ig. Win this race and it's yours!
Oh, no!
Norton-- No!
Ha.
At the finish line, it's Bahama Mama,
Henry V, and Pavlov's Dog takes third.
All owners please proceed to the clubhouse...
for the presentation of the $20,000 purse.
What were you thinkin', distractin' him like that?
I was just trying to encourage him, Ralph.
You encouraged him, all right.
You encouraged him away from $20,000!
Ralph, stop yellin' at me. He's gonna think you're yellin' at him.
I'm not yelling at the dog. He's just a dumb animal. What's your excuse?
Ralph.
Ed, you know we needed this money.
Now Alice will never take me back-- because of you.
Ralph, calm down. I thought we were boys, man.
No, no. We're not boys. We're not friends.
We're notnothin'! I'm done.
That's the way you feel?That's how I feel.
And stay off my fire escape.
Come on, Iggy. Come on, y'all.
Alice.
Pet Cactus--
What was I thinkin'? Shoot.
Yeah, yeah.
"Learn and Succeed." Yeah, right.
Bart Roberts.
I was a sucker for ever believin' in you.
Yeah, I won't be a sucker again though.
Kawakami.
I should have let you get this train since you wanted it so bad.
Maybe you still do.
Mmm--
Aaah!
Don't burn up. Come on. Don't burn up.
Okay.
I might be able to take it off your hands.
Well, uh, the price has gone up considerably.
I mean, we have to take into account my time, storage,
um, fees, shipping, postage, handling--
You know, a lot of things like that.
What is your price?
25,000.25,000?
Okay, that was too much. Okay, 20,000.
20,000 will be fine.
I'm gonna need a check right now.
Hey, Larry.Ralph Kramden.
What's, uh-- What's goin' on? What, are you in trouble?
Look, man, I gotta get to Q's Diner by 9:00 a.m.
You go that way, right?Not by 9:00 a.m. Look at it.
It's, like, total gridlock.
Hello?
Hey, Q. It's Ralph Kramden-- Alice's husband.
No, no. She's not here.
No, I got the check for the house.
Please. Health inspector here. Health inspector?
Don't hang up, Q!
I gotta get over there.
Welcome to your new positions in the New York City sewer system.
Today you'll join an elite group of dedicated and dependable professionals.
You lucky few have survived a rigorous application process,
interviews and psychological profiles.
Actually, Ed, these are all convicted felons of violent crimes...
taking part in a work-release program.
And since there are no questions--
I got one for you.
Two men are born five blocks apart.
They've been best friends for 30 years,
until one of 'em says some really stupid things he didn't mean.
How does he get the other guy to forgive him?
I'm not the one who's good at riddles. Remember, Ralph?
Neither am I.What are you talkin' about?
You know that book of riddles you keep on your coffee table?
I found it, got me a copy and memorized it.
You mean to tell me--
Norton.
Norton, come on. Norton.
What, Ralph What?
You've always thought I was the smart one.
And if you ever stopped thinking that then...
I don't know what I would be anymore.
You really mean that, Ralph?
Yeah. I'm sorry.
Come on, Ed.
You're makin' me cry.Don't start, man. Will you--
Why do you come down here and make me cry in front of all these convicts?
Now, stop it, man. I mean, I'm trying to just say what I gotta say.
Look, hey.Yeah.
Look, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know what I'm sayin'
No, you're okay.
Look, this doesn't change everything.
We still have issues between each other.
Look, okay. I understand that.
But I got the money for the house.
You did?I gotta get the check
to the diner before 9:00 a.m. It's total gridlock up there.
I need someone who knows the city beneath the city.
I need a specialist. I need you, Ed.
I got you.
But I have conditions.
Condition number one. You gotta start lettin' me pick stuff.
What are you talkin' about?
You always get to pick the restaurants.
You always get to pick the movies.
That's because if we let you pick stuff, nothing would ever get decided.
Fine! You can pick stuff.
Second up, when we get around new people,
you have to start referring to me as "Edward."
Only you would pick a shortcut like this.
That's another one. You gotta stop makin' fun of me.
I'll admit, the way I do things is a little unorthodox, but that's me.
The way you do things is ridiculous.
Oh, I'm the one who looks ridiculous? Yeah.
Aaah!
- That ain't even funny. - Oh, yes, it is.
We gotta go. Come on. Let's rock.
Okay, Ralph, this is the big one. Hmm?
You gotta promise to me that you will never yell at me...
or get mad at me ever, ever again.
Done.Put it on your family jewels.
Put it on my family-- Oh, fine.
I put it on my family jewels that I will never get mad or holler at you again.
Good. 'Cause we're lost.
You--
Family jewels.
So, Edward
How do you suggest we proceed from here?
Well, there's two ways we can go. Either that way or that way.
Why don't we let you pick?
Let me pick? That's my man. That's what I'm talkin' about.
Which way?
That way.
It's this way, Ralph.
This should be it. Straight up.
Let's hope.
Hey, Norton, this is it. You're my man, dog.
Aaah!
Ralph, what are you waitin' for?
There's an S.U.V. on the manhole cover.
You're yellin', Ralph.
This way is blocked, and it's Davis.
Okay, another manhole, two blocks down.
You think we're too late?Not if she hasn't signed yet.
You don't have to read it.
Oh. Glad you two made up. But Alice isn't here, Ralph.
She didn't want to stick around and watch that.
Ma'am, don't sign that!
That's no good.That's good.
Miss Benvenuti--Oh, no, no. Don't put that down.
You can't stop once you've started. It's-- It's unethical.
I'm Ralph Kramden, Alice's husband.
Uh, oh, well, this is, uh-- Well-- Mr. Q?
It's a little wet, isn't it? It's dirty, but, uh--
I mean, we can blow-dry it off and do whatever--
But it's for you.
I'll take the check as is.
Okay, everyone, just--
Look, I'll-- I'll give you even more, all right?
Thank you--You got it.
but I don't think so.
I'd rather have my house remain a home.
Yeah! Thank you, Miss Benvenuti. Thank you.
Thank you.Thank you, Mr. Kramden.
It's a pleasure doing business with you.
You can't do this to me.Nobody's doing anything to you.
This is business.
It's not personal.
Miss Benvenuti, we'll be calling you.
All right.
Ralph--
Just give me a second, okay?
Alice, I've wasted so much time,
made so many bad choices.
There's only one thing I've ever done right,
and that's love you.
Baby, let's go home.
You mean the one we just bought?
How did-- How did you do that?
Norton helped out a little bit,
but no one deserves this more than you, Alice.
Baby, you're the greatest.
All right, guys, quit your pissin' and moanin'.
The doghouse is not that heavy, and it goes in the back...
facing east so it gets feng shui, you got it?
And Mama Gibson, please don't drop another box.
I don't got insurance, okay?
You don't have no manners either, Mr. Eazy Dodge.
You're gonna get into it with me, are you? That's all right.
Ladies, please hurry up. We're gonna have a lunch break.
...and make this house a home. Amen. Amen.
All right, eat up, everybody.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Y'all, here we are-- Finally.
To our own home.
Cheers, y'all. Cheers.
Hey, Ralph. Ralph. I got a surprise for you. Let go.
Let go. Let go. Good boy.
I trained Iggy, right? He's gonna be your dog servant.
Fetch you a beer, get you a newspaper when you want.
Isn't that your train right there?
Would you look at that? A million dollars.
Yeah, Ralph. Isn't that your train?
The one with the solid brass trim?
Shut up.What? Oh, yo, man. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Ralph, you gonna watch the game later on?
Solid brass?
Ralph, you said you wasn't gonna get mad at me no more.
No. No, Norton, I'm not gonna get mad.
No, I'm not gonna yell. I'm just gonna kill you!
Where you goin'?Run, baby!
I know where there's another train-- and it's got a bell too.
You better know where there's another train.
Come on, man! For real!
See, Ed here is a special child.
Stop rubbing on his balls. Get out the chair, Iggy.
Is that his balls? Oh, man. Why didn't you tell me?
Well, my father used to train neglected Chihuahuas
with Down Syndrome, and then--
It's not that he has any kind of mental problem,
he just likes
Let it go. Sitting up here looking like a birthday balloon.
Sitting up here looking like a bottle of dishwashing liquid.
Kumquat-- Summer squash-- Stick of butter,
and you want me to let it go?
You look more like a piece of--
I'm Ronald.And I'm Ernie.
And we're the Isley brothers.