This programme contains some strong language.
Hello! And welcome to another QI compilation show.
I've cued up my favourite questions from the quixotic quagmire
of Series Q. After all, it's about quality, not quantity.
LAUGHTER
How good are you at multitasking?
Excellent.
KLAXON Excellent.
OK. Here we go.
Oh, I see. Yeah. I didn't know I was going to be tested on it.
LAUGHTER
You just volunteered yourself, OK.
So, I want you to take this stack from here and recreate it exactly
the same on this one, and you have to move them one at a time, OK.
Oh, great. But while you're doing it,
I want you to recite the alphabet backwards. Ooh!
Well, I can't do that anyway.
LAUGHTER Ah.
I mean, I don't think I can do it forwards, like.
A, B...
No, no, so you don't understand how the game functions, um...
LAUGHTER
Are we going to find out that Andrew's a toddler?
LAUGHTER
Just took them off and put them on the counter.
And said, "A, B."
A, B, C...
It's not backwards, though, is it? I can't do it backwards!
No, Z! Z!
And put them on the middle one!
LAUGHTER
Listen to me. Here we go again. Z, Y...
Keep them on the post. Go backwards. X...
Move them one at a time. No! Middle one.
What's wrong with this one? No, don't help him!
I love this, because as I said...
Z, Y, X, W...
LAUGHTER V...
AUDIENCE: U! U...
OK, you're not supposed to get any help!
Don't pretend you can do this!
So why did you say, why did you say that you are good at multitasking?
I'm a man and I like to brag.
LAUGHTER
I had a moment on a flight last week, actually,
when I was flying from Aberdeen to Shetland.
And I was with my tour manager, who's also a big chap,
and we sit next to each other, because we're pals.
And there was hardly anyone else on the flight,
it was only a small plane. And the stewardess came over and she said,
Mr Manford, Mr Isaacs, she said, would you mind separating
and sitting on either side of the plane?
LAUGHTER
Oh, no!
Weight distribution. Weight distribution?!
You're as heavy as a wing.
LAUGHTER
What, so he's going to land like this if it's...?!
Well, that's what you should have done. We will at the start,
but during the flight we're going to set you a series of challenges.
LAUGHTER
Zigzagging about the plane.
First time in the history of the world where turbulence is a person.
LAUGHTER
When you're a doctor, you only have to know how one like organism works.
But when you're a vet... Yes. ..people come in with like,
"Oh, my stick insect's got eczema."
And then someone else is like, "This horse is going to explode!"
LAUGHTER
It's going to blow!
Is it ticking?
That's the ultimate Trojan Horse, isn't it? Yes.
LAUGHTER
I think animals are like cars, they all work the same way, really.
We've spent a fortune on my cat.
I've spent over £1,000 in the last two years on my cat.
£1,000? Trying to make it into a dog.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What's wrong with the bloody thing, apart from it's a cat?
LAUGHTER
They're hard to come by, cats, aren't they, after all?
LAUGHTER
You know those bits of elastic they keep chicken legs together
like that? It swallowed one of those and it went all through its system
tied up like, like tied it all up, like...
Anyway, she died, so that's fine.
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God. OK.
Well, I wasn't going to pay a grand, you know.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Up until 1826, the Palace of Westminster kept
all its financial records on something called tally sticks.
So, you had a stick and you split it in two when you issued a debt.
And when the payment was made,
the two sticks were tied back together again. Wow.
But eventually, of course, paper records superseded
the need for these, and now they'd got a lot of old wood.
So, they decided to get rid of it. The obvious idea was to burn it.
So, on the 16th of October 1834, the Clerk of the Works,
who's in various records called Mr Whibley or Mr Woebley,
he ordered two cartloads of these tally sticks to be burnt.
Mr Wibbly Wobbly? Mr Wobbly Wobbly, yes.
IN AUTHORITATIVE VOICE: Mr Wibbly Wobbly, get rid of the sticks.
LAUGHTER
Don't, no, don't, Mr Wibbly Wobbly. "OK then, OK then.
"Rid of the sticks you want."
LAUGHTER
So, Mr Whibley Woebley decided to burn two cart-loads of these
tally sticks in the basement stoves at the Palace of Westminster.
And the resulting fire burnt down both the House of Lords
and the House of Commons. LAUGHTER
What an idiot Mr Whibley Woebley was.
Yeah, didn't feel good about it. He should have known. Yeah.
IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "What have I done?!"
LAUGHTER
"Who did you entrust this job to?"
"Now, don't get angry..."
And it had better not have been Mr Wibbly Wobbly.
So, here is a nice thing, apart from the toad sausages.
One of the ways they are thinking now of saving the quoll is to turn
them into pets. There are people who say that you should have them
instead of a cat, and in fact they're rather sweet.
They can be trained, they can use a litter tray.
They weigh about the same.
Yeah, sweet, really sweet!
LAUGHTER
HE SCREECHES LOUDLY
HE SCREECHES
LAUGHTER
If you've got your foot sticking out from under the duvet,
and that gets hold of you. LAUGHTER
Ooooh, oooh, oooh!
They do have the second biggest bite force quotient.
LAUGHTER
So, how hard they can bite relative to their size, of any animal...
Good for children, then. Yeah.
Second only to the Tasmanian devil.
Oh, my God!
What's the one on the right doing to the one on the right?
LAUGHTER
I think he... I believe that's the beginning of improv.
LAUGHTER
The one on the left's not keen on it. No.
Second left's going, "Look at him! Look at him!"
LAUGHTER
"Look at him or I will torch you!"
LAUGHTER
Anyway, there used to be a thing called the Group of 60,
and they were Athenian wits who got together and exchanged jokes.
And so, one of the ways you would tell a joke in Athens,
you would say, "The 60 said," and so on.
But the very first joke book that Europe ever had was published by?
Anybody have a guess? We are talking in the mid-1400s.
Ladybird. Well...
LAUGHTER
The Vatican... Oh. ..published.
It was utterly obscene. They had... What?!
They had a sort of joke club called the Bugiale,
it was literally a fib factory.
There was a Papal secretary called Poggio Bracciolini, and he kept
a record of all these jokes, and he published it, 273 puns and jokes,
mostly the usual stuff - farts, erections, obesity, drunkenness.
He's rubbish at reading, isn't he? Look at him. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
MOCK ITALIAN ACCENT: "Excuse me, is that Athena?
"The frame of my picture has fallen on my head."
LAUGHTER
For what sort of business would you want to use a queer plunger?
LAUGHTER
I once had a nightmare with a plunger.
LAUGHTER
So, we had a New Year's Eve party,
and then the next day our toilet was blocked. Mm.
And I thought, "Oh, I'll nail this."
I'd never used a plunger before. Right. They're difficult to use.
Yeah, I thought, I'll just whack it down there.
Whacked it down and it suctioned just onto the bottom
of the toilet, brought it up, all I had was the piece of stick.
LAUGHTER
And now I didn't just have to unblock the toilet,
I had to get my hand in there to get the... Oh!
LAUGHTER
What can't I hear you do in space?
LAUGHTER
Screaming? Sound?
KLAXON
JOE LAUGHS
So you CAN hear screaming, then?
Well, it's a vacuum, right, sound can't reverberate.
But there are conditions where you COULD hear a scream,
and that is what I'm going to come to. Oh! She got you there!
No, she has not got me there,
because the question I was presented by my learned friend,
was, "What can't we hear in space?"
And so scream, and I said, "Because space is completely silent,"
which HE said, and I went, "Did I just talk to myself?!" No.
Because I thought I just said that! What I did not say,
what you... Oh, God, I wish I was in space!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I did not say what you might be wearing.
Oh, well, for the love of God, Sandi!
LAUGHTER
This is like the worst... And this picture was a clue.
So, sound is caused by the vibration of molecules,
and if you didn't have a space suit on, it would be almost impossible
to hear anything at all. However, astronauts CAN talk to each other
by touching helmets. So...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'm all for it, ta-ra!
So the sound vibrations, they travel through the air
inside the space suits and inside the glass, enough for them
to be able to communicate with raised voices. And in fact,
Nasa teach this to the astronauts as a sort of backup,
in case radio communication fails. Sure. So, we're going to try it.
Is that why you don't get any lesbians in space?
LAUGHTER
You've both got, you've both got helmets, pop them on.
This feels really bad.
They're enormous, much bigger than mine!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
It's much bigger, but mine looks exactly like Susan.
Stand up and... LAUGHTER
Stand up and touch helmets and see if you can, if it helps you to hear.
Now talk to each other. Hello.
I've always loved you!
LAUGHTER
HELMETS BANG I'd just like...
LAUGHTER
Does it make, does it make a difference? Hello. Hello.
Hello. Not really, Sandi, I'll be honest.
LAUGHTER
We can't hear you!
Can I take it off now? No. Yeah, no, go ahead, go ahead.
Could you feel the vibrations through the helmets?
SUSAN GASPS I don't think I could really hear,
but I don't really understand her at the best of times, so... No...
LAUGHTER
Would you like to meet Vomiting Larry?
No. LAUGHTER
What? Have you got a thing about vomit? I'm just closing my eyes,
you continue. No, no, we're not actually going to show vomit,
we're just going to talk about it a lot.
Oh, I thought somebody called Larry was just going to come and be sick.
LAUGHTER
It's going to be a volcano or some kind of weird beetle
or something. Of course!
It's not a volcano, it is a humanoid simulated vomiting system,
developed by the UK's Health and Safety Laboratory in Derbyshire
by researcher Dr Cat Makison Booth.
And there is Cat and there is Vomiting Larry. Oh, sorry. Hello!
APPLAUSE
Cat, I believe that Larry can vomit on command. He can.
Why would you invent such a thing?
So, we're looking at infection transmission,
so we want to identify how far vomit spreads, so that we can help
clear it all back up again and prevent transmission of fluid.
Presumably, I'm going to guess, it's further than we think
the little pool of vomit...? Yeah, it'd kind of fill,
with all the droplets and splash, most of this bit of the studio.
No! Wow!
Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to see it, so when you come to
clean up the main bulk, you'd stand in it, spread it everywhere.
So you're just carrying on spreading, even when you think
you've cleaned it all up? Yeah, yeah. Why is he called Larry?
Because the head of the system is called Airway Larry.
So, it's for when medical students are practising laryngoscopies.
Yeah, obviously. So, that's where the Larry came from. Oh!
But do the medical students not provide enough vomit? I mean...
LAUGHTER
They can't do it on command, so, you know. Yeah.
It has to be one, two, three, go. Yeah. Like that.
OK, so, now, we can't have Larry actually vomit,
you'll be very pleased to know. However...
ALAN CHANTS: Vomit, vomit!
LAUGHTER
Come on, Laurence! We do have a film of Larry.
We're going to have the film without sound,
but if any of you lovely people would like to join in and create
the sounds that you imagine Larry might make, then help yourselves.
Why, of course. Yeah. Let's have a look.
You only had to ask once! Here we go.
ALAN GROANS AND RETCHES
LAUGHTER
Urgh, I'm dying!
LAUGHTER
Arghhhhhhhhh....
It's coming out of my arse as well!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You know when you're being sick and you can't turn round quick
enough, cos you know it's going to...
LAUGHTER
Oh, no! Oh, no! No!
LAUGHTER
HE BLOWS RASPBERRIES
Argh, argh, God!
Flush it, flush, flush it!
LAUGHTER
Cat, I'm so sorry, darling.
LAUGHTER
Here's another interesting fashion for royals.
Louis XIV, he had a fashion that courtiers should have
one long fingernail. Why was that?
My husband's got one special toenail for scratching his eczema.
It's awful, isn't it? LAUGHTER
That's genuinely true!
Is that the sort of thing you were after?
LAUGHTER
I feel in this show, you and I are in danger of over-sharing.
And you seem to be fine with that, though. That's...
Yeah, as long as he keeps it to himself, I'm all right.
Right. Yeah, yeah. He hasn't really, has he, now? No.
LAUGHTER
He's only told me quite recently, and we've been together
for nearly 15 years. LAUGHTER
So there's nothing I can do about it now, is what I'm saying.
I'm stuck with it. Except maybe pay more attention in the future.
LAUGHTER
So, the one long fingernail, what do we reckon?
Is that a cane that he's leaning on, or is that the fingernail?
LAUGHTER
I want that to be. No, he didn't have the fingernail,
it was the courtiers... Everyone else had to have the fingernail?
Yes. Was it to do with his anus? Let me just get that out of my head.
LAUGHTER
What are you doing in your head?!
I'm just imagining...
SARAH SQUEALS AND LAUGHS
GROANING
That is your takeaway from this show!
A pulsating termite and a fingernail up Louis XIV's arse. Now...
LAUGHTER
So, he, in this...
LAUGHTER
In this reality, he said, "I want any of you to be ready."
Yeah.
"There's no telling who I'm going to ask to stick their fingernail
"up my anus." No, it's...
"So I want you all to grow it.
"I don't want it to be a specialism, I want to say, "You, now!
"Up there!" LAUGHTER
Why might you put a mirror next to a lift?
Any thoughts about this? We're talking about waiting.
Next to a lift or in a lift? No, next to it.
It's to do with you looking at yourself.
People dislike waiting in line, but they do like looking at themselves.
People don't complain if the lift takes a long time to arrive
if they can constantly see themselves.
I love this picture, though. So, we had an experiment to see
if we could recreate this with all of you. So let's have a look.
Are we able to do that? There, what do you think? Whoa...
I know. Ooh, it's Top Of The Pops from the '70s.
LAUGHTER
It's so good.
Love it.
LAUGHTER
It's like a giant centipede.
That is brilliant. That's really good fun. Wow!
Can we do like, can we do like the swimming thing, where we go...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
This is beginning to look like a Bollywood movie.
LAUGHTER
Have you heard about the carrot swindle?
Do you know about the carrot swindle? What's the carrot swindle?
When you go to your self-serve checkout,
everything you put on for "weigh", you just press "carrots".
Really? Yeah. What, so you'll be like buying an anvil
and you'd press "carrot"? Yeah, so, you put down...
What's an expensive vegetable?
Prosecco.
LAUGHTER
So, are you putting everything through as carrots?
I'M not doing it, Josh, I'm a very honest customer.
Where did you learn this? From a reindeer.
No, it's because, what they found, the supermarkets,
the reason they started to become suspicious,
was because they were selling millions of tonnes of carrots.
And yet thousands and thousands of bottles of Prosecco
were being stolen. Yeah. LAUGHTER
Wow! So they started to watch people, and sure enough,
people were just putting all their washing on the thing,
pressing "carrots" and putting it in... All their "washing"?
LAUGHTER
ALAN MIMICS REWINDING
People were putting all their SHOPPING on the thing,
pressing "carrots", and they've got six bags, they've paid 12 quid.
Theft from self-service tills has doubled in the last four years,
so you should not put this information out there.
I'm doing it for Sainsbury's. Yes. But Alan, Alan,
when you put your washing on, what should you press?
LAUGHTER
So, you've each got a quilt and a cover.
Right. Oh.
So, we're going to have a very quick competition...
Couldn't be easier. ..to see who can be quickest.
Hang on, hang on, I haven't undone the bow yet. I haven't got my key.
Get your quilt out.
We're going to do it all at the same time. Wait, wait, wait. OK.
Are you ready? Is everybody...?
I can't find my opening, Sandi!
Hang on, can we open it, where do we start from?
I can't find my thing. OK, ready? One, two, three, go!
Oh, no, I'm not ready, I'm not ready! I'm nowhere near ready!
Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER
No, I can't do it, I can't do it! Hang on, mine's buttoned up.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The girls have got it!
Hang on, hang on, mine's buttoned up!
CHEERING
Yours didn't have buttons on it.
Mine's buttoned up, that's not fair.
Jimmy! Yes?
LAUGHTER
Darling, I...
He has staff to do it for him.
Are you all right there, darling? Mind your hair.
LAUGHTER
What happened?! APPLAUSE
I think it's all right.
I did, yeah, I mean, wow.
Come here. I think I'm not the only one who's amazed it stayed on.
LAUGHTER
Let's talk about a different kind of queue, so when you are on the phone.
Oh, yeah. What's the worst thing about that, do you reckon?
It's when the computer doesn't get your accent, I get that a lot.
I used to ring the Odeon film line.
I used to work for them, be careful. The Odeon film line, to find out...
This is going back, isn't it, to find out...? Yeah, it is.
That's the job I had. Find out the times of the films...
This is even before DVDs. Yes. LAUGHTER
They'd say, which Odeon cinema are you interested in?
Yeah. And I would say "Holloway".
Yeah. And it would say, "Did you say Manchester?" Every time!
LAUGHTER
That's exactly it. No similarity between the two words!
There's almost no letters that are the same!
LAUGHTER
But actually, that was just one of us.
LAUGHTER
They'd say, "Bolton." Did you say "Baghdad?"
LAUGHTER
Ancient Greek kylix. So, this is a wonderful thing.
It's a shallow drinking cup for wine.
It's similar to one of these cups, but it had obscene pictures
painted on the inside, which were gradually revealed.
SHE GASPS
We've censored this, because, you know.
And they would have things like a couple having sex,
a man wiping his bottom.
Naked people.
And then an "eyecup". So, it's a wide mug with eyes
and sometimes a nose painted on the outside, and it looked like you were
wearing a mask when you drank it.
And sometimes they painted ships on the inside,
so it looked like the ships were sailing on the wine as you drank it.
I think we should have more fun with cups. Yeah.
How great that you're drinking, you're getting pissed,
and at the bottom of the cup is something that you're probably
going to do. You know, when you've been drinking.
Like an instruction manual? Yes. Like, "You know what,
"this is where this is heading." Ooh. I feel like that kind of
cuts to the chase. I would be really annoyed, though,
if I got to the end of my cup and I was like,
"So, what, now I have to learn the flute as well?"
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
OK, so I just want to see what kind of audience we have in tonight.
Who would like us to remove the pixels? Put your hands up.
CHEERING
Who's quite happy with it being censored?
LAUGHTER
Oh, my. No-one at all!
All right, let's remove the pixels and see what's behind.
It's going to be a flute. Literally nothing.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Genuine disappointment. What a tease!
Especially for him.
LAUGHTER
Our queuing advice is to really rile people up by ignoring
the instructions at an airport and standing on the left
of an underground escalator.
AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
That's really upset you. No, no, no, no, no.
That's the only thing I care about after Brexit. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Well, that's only down here that that's a problem.
That is London, that is real London, yeah. It's only London.
It's not even a, it's not even questioned anywhere else,
you can stand wherever you want. You stand wherever you want?
Yeah, it's not a thing. LAUGHTER
It's just a thing down here. You stand on the right.
Not in anywhere else. Fucking stand on the right!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
What's your normal temperature?
Isn't it lower if you're a woman than a man?
Slightly higher for a woman. Slightly higher.
Yeah, it was one or the other, wasn't it? Yes. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
Save it. Just go either way with that, Aisling. Damn it!
Because you know there's that stereotype of like,
"Turn up the heating." "But I'm too hot, babes."
It is an issue that office temperatures are set
to male averages. Yeah. As opposed to female averages.
Do you know a fact about Christine Lagarde, who's the head of...
I don't know ANY facts about Christine Lagarde.
Oh, well, you're about to bloody get one, Sandi, let's swap chairs!
Um.... LAUGHTER
Can I have your glasses for a second? Yeah, there you go.
Do you want some cards...? Yeah.
Oh, no, that's got all the answers on. Here, have that.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
IMPERSONATING SANDI: Of course, the interesting thing
about Christine Lagarde that she used to do, was, um...
LAUGHTER
Please stop laughing, darling, I'm trying to go through the fact.
LAUGHTER
What's the most dangerous thing to do in bed?
Tell the truth.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Anybody else?
Reverse cowgirl?
KLAXON
Really?! Really?
They had that locked and loaded?!
There was some suggestion you might say that, darling.
Is it a particular favourite? Yeah, how did you know?
LAUGHTER
Am I the only person who noticed that you said "DVD"?
I did say DVD, yeah. Who uses DVDs?
Whoa, what?! LAUGHTER
What? Me!
Unbelievable!
Everyone just glanced over that,
like that wasn't a crazy thing to say, like.
You said DVDs! I'm still on VHS, son. Yeah.
I played a cassette only yesterday, and you know what happened?
It got stuck. Of course it did!
Do you remember when cassettes used to stretch
if you'd played them for too long?
You'd get a little pencil, a little pencil inside.
Oh, the good times. Those were the days.
Or they'd get stuck, you'd be driving and you'd pop one out
while you're driving and then the whole of the tape...
LAUGHTER
It's my best tape!
Don't pull it, don't pull it, don't pull!
I can't pull over, it's the M4! Get it out, get it out!
Get it out with a pencil! Get it out! Now wind it on, wind it on!
Oh, come on, you're four years old, you can do this!
LAUGHTER
Anybody have a mnemonic to remember the planets in order? Yes.
It's Mercury, Venus... LAUGHTER
Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune.
Thank you, darling, that's perfect. That is the order, and...
Pluto doesn't count, it's actually a Disney character.
Yes, that's right.
That is the order of the planets, and one is often taught it
at school. So, "Many Volcanoes Emit Mulberry Jam Sandwiches
"Under Normal Pressure."
Or, "My Very Easy Method Just Speeds Up Naming Planets."
So there were... I couldn't get past vagina, though.
LAUGHTER
I've got "Moist Vagina Expected - Might Just Steam Up Nightie."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
So, so, weirdly, that's probably the one I'm going to remember...
LAUGHTER
Anybody else? Alice, have you got one? Mine's quite depressing. OK.
"Mum's Vacant Expression Means Jane Sulks Unless Noticed."
LAUGHTER
Wow, you were a jolly girl at school.
My favourite is, "Mary's Virgin Explanation Made Joseph Suspect
"Upstairs Neighbour."
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Right, Alan and Aisling, I have got an EastEnders-style script for you.
I'm actually going to take a small part in this myself. Ooh!
I know. So, you know, big gestures, big pausing.
Here we go. OK.
IN COCKNEY ACCENT: Oh, Aisling, I'm 'aving some real Barney Rubble
with me old trouble and strife!
LAUGHTER
She found...
LAUGHTER
..a pair of your Alan Whickers in my Lucy Locket!
LAUGHTER
IN GRUFF VOICE: Oh, Alan!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You absolute doughnut.
You need to be more careful.
Now! Woss this all abou'?!
LAUGHTER
Stay out of this! You cow!
You, it's you, it's you. This time...
LAUGHTER
Stay out of this, you cow! You're not me mum!
SANDI GASPS
Actually...
LAUGHTER
..she is.
EASTENDERS DOOF-DOOFS
APPLAUSE
And that's all from QI tonight.
I leave you with a quip from French poet Joseph Rue.
"A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit
"and a pebble in the hand of a fool." Goodnight.
APPLAUSE