1 00:00:22,800 --> 00:00:26,600 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 2 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:34,960 Good evening, and welcome to QI 3 00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:39,600 where tonight I am queen of a quorum of queens. 4 00:00:39,600 --> 00:00:41,960 Let's meet one's loyal subjects. 5 00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,600 Speaking the Queen's English, Colin Lane. 6 00:00:44,600 --> 00:00:47,680 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Thank you. Hello. Thank you. 7 00:00:49,120 --> 00:00:51,880 Taking the Queen's shilling, David Mitchell. 8 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,120 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 9 00:00:56,320 --> 00:00:59,280 Wearing the Queen's uniform, Sarah Millican. 10 00:00:59,280 --> 00:01:01,080 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 11 00:01:04,000 --> 00:01:06,240 And the Groom of the Stool, Alan Davies! 12 00:01:06,240 --> 00:01:09,040 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 13 00:01:09,040 --> 00:01:10,480 Thank you. 14 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:16,720 Right, let's hear their queenly quartet. Sarah goes... 15 00:01:16,720 --> 00:01:19,640 # Playing with the Queen of Hearts! # 16 00:01:19,640 --> 00:01:21,760 Nice. Colin goes... 17 00:01:21,760 --> 00:01:25,720 # You are the dancing queen... # 18 00:01:25,720 --> 00:01:28,680 Aw, I love a bit of Scandi music. 19 00:01:28,680 --> 00:01:30,360 And David goes... 20 00:01:30,360 --> 00:01:37,360 # And a homecoming queen... # 21 00:01:37,360 --> 00:01:38,920 And Alan goes... 22 00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:41,200 MUSIC: Land of Hope and Glory 23 00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:42,760 QUEEN'S VOICE: And what do you do? 24 00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:49,880 Right. What can you tell me about the royal "we"? 25 00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:51,400 It doesn't smell? 26 00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:58,520 APPLAUSE 27 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:02,640 And we're off and running. Hey! 28 00:02:02,640 --> 00:02:04,600 IMITATES RICHIE BENAUD: Colin Lane there, 29 00:02:04,600 --> 00:02:06,680 edging his first delivery to slip. 30 00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,720 Richie Benaud, it's Richie Benaud. Right, yes. 31 00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,680 Was that an Australian accent? Oh, come on! 32 00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,800 I've been working on that since you were last here. Really? 33 00:02:16,800 --> 00:02:21,440 They don't open their teeth up. "They"? They? They? They? Yes. They? 34 00:02:26,200 --> 00:02:29,160 I've busted my crown, you see? Oh, no. 35 00:02:29,160 --> 00:02:32,080 I'll go over to this side. What can you tell me about the royal "we"? 36 00:02:32,080 --> 00:02:35,400 There was something weird about George III's wee. 37 00:02:35,400 --> 00:02:39,640 I think it maybe was purple and then they thought he had porphyria. 38 00:02:39,640 --> 00:02:42,280 And then, now, they think he didn't have porphyria, but they were 39 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:45,240 definitely saying there's something up with this guy's wee. Yeah. 40 00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,760 Also, he's gone mad. Yes. 41 00:02:48,920 --> 00:02:52,360 That is entirely correct, but I am heading in a different direction. 42 00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:55,520 Why might a royal person say "we"? 43 00:02:55,520 --> 00:02:58,920 Ah, first person plural. It is - the majestic plural. 44 00:02:58,920 --> 00:03:02,520 It's known as nosism from the Latin "nos" for "we". 45 00:03:02,520 --> 00:03:04,560 It's the idea that the royal person, 46 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:07,120 instead of referring to themselves as "I", in fact, says "we". 47 00:03:07,120 --> 00:03:09,520 Implying there's more than one of them. Yes, well, 48 00:03:09,520 --> 00:03:11,200 we can trace it back to Henry II, 49 00:03:11,200 --> 00:03:14,400 and it used to mean "God and I", that's what it really comes from. 50 00:03:14,400 --> 00:03:17,120 We've got Henry II there and his successor, Richard I, 51 00:03:17,120 --> 00:03:20,280 and it's Richard I that introduced the motto "Dieu et mon droit", 52 00:03:20,280 --> 00:03:23,320 "God and my right", and that remains the royal motto ever since. 53 00:03:23,320 --> 00:03:26,120 He's got your crown on, Dave, he's got your crown! 54 00:03:26,120 --> 00:03:29,080 I like to think this is like a working crown. 55 00:03:29,080 --> 00:03:32,760 This isn't like a Parliament-opening coronation crown... Daily. 56 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:34,520 Yeah, you can wear it all the time, 57 00:03:34,520 --> 00:03:36,320 you can go into battle... Doing the dishes. 58 00:03:36,320 --> 00:03:40,440 Going to get a paper and some fags. Yeah. Yeah. 59 00:03:40,440 --> 00:03:43,880 Going to the garage at 3.00am for munchies. Yeah, yeah. 60 00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,960 Here's the thing, the Queen doesn't actually use the pronoun "one" 61 00:03:47,960 --> 00:03:52,000 as much as you would think. They analysed all her speeches since 1952 62 00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,800 and she uses "I" six times more often than she says "one". 63 00:03:55,800 --> 00:03:58,240 It's a parody, really, of how she speaks, because it isn't. 64 00:03:58,240 --> 00:04:00,680 Unless she got bored of it. "One's not doing that any more." 65 00:04:00,680 --> 00:04:02,880 It must be boring being Queen, so, just mix it up a bit. 66 00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:05,080 It must be quite dull, do you not think? 67 00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:07,320 Constantly having to open and close things. 68 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:10,040 LAUGHTER 69 00:04:15,520 --> 00:04:19,000 I don't think, to be fair, you mean opening as in launching... 70 00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:23,080 Yeah. ..I don't think she closes many things. 71 00:04:23,080 --> 00:04:26,560 You know, when BHS went under... 72 00:04:26,560 --> 00:04:30,080 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 73 00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:37,320 When you're in charge, the whole approach to pronouns 74 00:04:37,320 --> 00:04:40,840 can be quite complicated. The very first Qin Emperor, 75 00:04:40,840 --> 00:04:44,320 so the guy who unified China, is a guy called Shi Huangdi, 76 00:04:44,320 --> 00:04:46,720 and he announced when he became Emperor 77 00:04:46,720 --> 00:04:48,840 that the character zhen, 78 00:04:48,840 --> 00:04:51,400 which was the normal singular pronoun, so "I", 79 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:54,760 was for his imperial use only and it meant everybody else 80 00:04:54,760 --> 00:04:57,040 had to come up with other ways of... 81 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,720 "No, I am zhen. I am zhen." 82 00:04:58,720 --> 00:05:01,400 People used to refer to themselves often as yu, 83 00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,320 meaning "this foolish one" or not refer to yourself at all. 84 00:05:04,320 --> 00:05:06,520 In terms of things that you might refer to yourself 85 00:05:06,520 --> 00:05:08,480 if you were in charge, Kim Jong-Il, 86 00:05:08,480 --> 00:05:11,720 he had more than 1,200 titles with which he used to refer to himself, 87 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,560 including Heaven-sent Hero, 88 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,520 Guardian Deity of the Planet 89 00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:20,520 and, my personal favourite, Eternal Bosom of Hot Love. 90 00:05:20,520 --> 00:05:23,240 LAUGHTER 91 00:05:23,240 --> 00:05:27,560 1,102 - Deluded Maniac. 92 00:05:27,560 --> 00:05:31,800 This is a great title. In Swaziland, Queen Mother of King Mswati III 93 00:05:31,800 --> 00:05:36,760 has enjoyed the title of Ndlovukati, the Great She Elephant. 94 00:05:36,760 --> 00:05:39,400 I think I'd like to be that. Don't you think it's a good title? 95 00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:42,520 No. Sometimes it's what I feel like when I'm in the bath. 96 00:05:42,520 --> 00:05:44,800 LAUGHTER 97 00:05:44,800 --> 00:05:47,360 Now, who chews the Queen's food? 98 00:05:47,360 --> 00:05:49,160 Beefeaters! 99 00:05:57,080 --> 00:05:59,920 Bacteria. Oh! 100 00:05:59,920 --> 00:06:03,280 Yes, I would accept that, except that we are in the land of honey. 101 00:06:03,280 --> 00:06:06,000 It's a bee? Is it worker bees, the worker bees? 102 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:08,080 Worker bees, it is. It's not all the other bees 103 00:06:08,080 --> 00:06:10,600 because they divide up into lots of categories. 104 00:06:10,600 --> 00:06:12,760 So, there's lazy ones as well. 105 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:15,480 There are drone ones, there are scout ones, there are worker ones. 106 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:18,800 There are product development bees, aren't there? Yeah, marketing. 107 00:06:18,800 --> 00:06:21,640 And they've achieved very little recently. 108 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:24,600 I mean, it is just honey, isn't it? Yes. 109 00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,800 Unless it's Manuka honey, and then it's 15 quid. 110 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,560 What are those bees on? 111 00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:32,960 But when you compare them to Kit Kat, I mean, Kit Kat, 112 00:06:32,960 --> 00:06:35,600 there's orange Kit Kat, there are various others, I mean... 113 00:06:35,600 --> 00:06:37,840 They've really worked on the product development, 114 00:06:37,840 --> 00:06:39,680 compared to honey is just honey. 115 00:06:39,680 --> 00:06:42,560 So, worker bees, they pre-digest the queen's food 116 00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,760 because she doesn't have the necessary glands 117 00:06:44,760 --> 00:06:47,560 to digest it herself. Even more unpleasant than that, 118 00:06:47,560 --> 00:06:50,480 they have the power to put her on a crash diet. What? 119 00:06:50,480 --> 00:06:53,640 Yes, I know. So, she gets really big and heavy, 120 00:06:53,640 --> 00:06:55,080 she's too heavy to fly, 121 00:06:55,080 --> 00:06:58,040 and when they want to swarm, which they do once a year, 122 00:06:58,040 --> 00:07:01,520 they put her on a crash diet so that she loses a third of her body weight 123 00:07:01,520 --> 00:07:05,280 and so she's ready to take off. Is there a committee or something, 124 00:07:05,280 --> 00:07:07,920 there's some level of management that goes, 125 00:07:07,920 --> 00:07:10,440 "You know, the queen's getting a bit porky, maybe..." 126 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:14,120 Well, we genuinely don't know how these decisions are made. 127 00:07:14,120 --> 00:07:16,960 So, for example, choosing a new queen, 128 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:21,160 they seem to select rather randomly a bee at the larva stage 129 00:07:21,160 --> 00:07:24,040 and they give it a special diet different from all of the workers. 130 00:07:24,040 --> 00:07:27,280 So, these are queen cups, these are new queens being developed. 131 00:07:27,280 --> 00:07:30,600 Most larvae are fed honey and pollen by worker bees, 132 00:07:30,600 --> 00:07:33,960 but occasionally, one is fed only royal jelly 133 00:07:33,960 --> 00:07:36,360 which is a sort of protein that's secreted from the glands 134 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:37,880 in the worker bees' heads. 135 00:07:37,880 --> 00:07:40,560 And this one is elevated to royal status and becomes queen. 136 00:07:40,560 --> 00:07:43,120 But I like that you asked the question because, the truth is, 137 00:07:43,120 --> 00:07:45,560 we don't know. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. 138 00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:48,520 We used to think the royal jelly made the queens develop differently. 139 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:51,280 And we now think it's not what she's fed, but what she is NOT fed. 140 00:07:51,280 --> 00:07:55,280 So, the fact that she does not get pollen and honey like the others, 141 00:07:55,280 --> 00:07:59,000 it actually makes her ovaries grow large, 142 00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:01,040 while the others' reproductive organs, 143 00:08:01,040 --> 00:08:04,080 the ones that get the pollen and honey, they actually shrink. 144 00:08:04,080 --> 00:08:06,920 It's a terrible life, actually, because when it comes time 145 00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:09,480 to get rid of her - she's sick or she's unproductive, 146 00:08:09,480 --> 00:08:13,600 she's not having any more babies - the workers kill her by balling her. 147 00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:17,080 Oh, I don't know if I want to know what that is. No, no. 148 00:08:17,080 --> 00:08:19,120 It's not what I think it is? No. 149 00:08:19,120 --> 00:08:22,120 A large group swarms tightly around her and raises... 150 00:08:22,120 --> 00:08:24,040 It's better than I was thinking, yeah! 151 00:08:24,040 --> 00:08:27,400 ..raises her body temperature until she is fatally over-heated. 152 00:08:27,400 --> 00:08:29,480 AUDIENCE: Oh! I know! This is awful. 153 00:08:29,480 --> 00:08:32,080 I love that we're all feeling sorry for this queen bee. 154 00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:33,640 But, actually, we say "queen bee" - 155 00:08:33,640 --> 00:08:36,240 since Aristotle's time, it was always assumed it was a king. 156 00:08:36,240 --> 00:08:38,200 It took until the 1670s, 157 00:08:38,200 --> 00:08:40,880 there was a Dutch scientist called Jan Swammerdam, 158 00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,280 and he dissected a king bee under a microscope 159 00:08:43,280 --> 00:08:45,960 and was rather shocked to discover the size of the ovaries 160 00:08:45,960 --> 00:08:49,720 which represent a quarter of a mature queen's body weight. 161 00:08:49,720 --> 00:08:51,640 He also learnt this great thing - 162 00:08:51,640 --> 00:08:54,840 if you remove the queen from the hive on a stick, 163 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,160 all the other bees will follow you, 164 00:08:57,160 --> 00:08:59,760 and this is a bee-keeping trick that people use now. 165 00:08:59,760 --> 00:09:02,160 And the most bizarre use was in the 18th century - 166 00:09:02,160 --> 00:09:05,000 in show business, there was a bee-keeper called Daniel Wildman 167 00:09:05,000 --> 00:09:08,960 and he had a honey shop in London and he promoted it by riding horses 168 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:12,480 standing up while wearing a beard of bees. 169 00:09:12,480 --> 00:09:15,480 And that made people buy from his shop, rather than think he was mad? 170 00:09:15,480 --> 00:09:17,360 It's pretty startling, if you have a look. 171 00:09:17,360 --> 00:09:20,160 This is not him, but these are other people who have the skill 172 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,480 of getting bees to do as they please. 173 00:09:22,480 --> 00:09:24,520 Do they all have honey shops as well? 174 00:09:24,520 --> 00:09:26,520 I think they were just selling tickets in the end 175 00:09:26,520 --> 00:09:28,280 cos there was a woman called Patty Jones, 176 00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:31,080 she was the wife of the inventor of the modern circus, Philip Astley, 177 00:09:31,080 --> 00:09:33,000 and she used to perform horse riding stunts, 178 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:37,040 but she used to have a swarm of bees on her hand imitating a lady's muff. 179 00:09:37,040 --> 00:09:39,680 Ooh-ho-ho! 180 00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,840 I mean a hand-warmer! 181 00:09:41,840 --> 00:09:43,560 So do I! 182 00:09:43,560 --> 00:09:46,520 LAUGHTER 183 00:09:46,520 --> 00:09:48,720 Now, who has sex for 15 years 184 00:09:48,720 --> 00:09:51,840 and gets licked to death by their own children? 185 00:09:51,840 --> 00:09:54,400 It's going to be an insect or something. 186 00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:56,920 Is it something like a... Like a termite? 187 00:09:56,920 --> 00:09:59,680 It is a termite. It is? You're absolutely right, yes. 188 00:09:59,680 --> 00:10:01,520 How did you know that? 189 00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:08,760 Now, just be warned, even if you like insects, 190 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,000 I think this is a bit gross, OK? 191 00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,360 And I don't really like insects. 192 00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:16,600 I accept they're necessary. Yeah, they are necessary, 193 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:19,680 but this is, honestly, a yellow, pulsating mass. 194 00:10:19,680 --> 00:10:22,240 So, the termite queen, just like bees, 195 00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,280 is the only fertile female in the colony, 196 00:10:24,280 --> 00:10:25,920 and she gives birth to all the rest, 197 00:10:25,920 --> 00:10:29,920 but, unlike other insects, mates for life - and I mean literally. 198 00:10:29,920 --> 00:10:32,600 So, after choosing a king, 199 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:35,880 spends 15 years incessantly mating, 200 00:10:35,880 --> 00:10:38,240 to produce the nest colony. 201 00:10:38,240 --> 00:10:41,880 She produces one egg every three seconds. No! 202 00:10:41,880 --> 00:10:43,200 I know! And we go, ugh! 203 00:10:43,200 --> 00:10:45,320 So, over a quarter-of-a-billion in her lifetime. 204 00:10:45,320 --> 00:10:47,800 ALAN MAKES SPLUTTERING NOISE 205 00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:49,960 It's like a paintball machine. 206 00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:54,920 So, you can just see her head at the front and that is her body, 207 00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:58,920 and her egg-producing organ becomes so massive 208 00:10:58,920 --> 00:11:01,120 that she's rendered entirely... There she is. 209 00:11:01,120 --> 00:11:02,400 GROANING 210 00:11:02,400 --> 00:11:05,280 I know. She's played by Olivia Coleman in the film. 211 00:11:05,280 --> 00:11:09,920 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 212 00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,640 But she's literally pulsating, producing eggs the whole time. 213 00:11:12,640 --> 00:11:15,200 She grows to be too large to leave the cell. 214 00:11:15,200 --> 00:11:17,680 She can be 100 times the size of the other termites. 215 00:11:17,680 --> 00:11:20,560 Is that the king there, on the end? No, that's her. 216 00:11:20,560 --> 00:11:23,280 The black bit at the end there... Is her. ..that's her? 217 00:11:23,280 --> 00:11:26,400 And the rest is egg-producing organ. Ugh! I said it was gross. 218 00:11:26,400 --> 00:11:29,480 Is she having sex and producing an egg at the same time? 219 00:11:29,480 --> 00:11:31,160 Yeah, so she's endlessly shagging. 220 00:11:31,160 --> 00:11:33,880 She goes through about five to ten kings in her lifetime. 221 00:11:33,880 --> 00:11:36,960 I think they just get exhausted. I think they just can't deal with it. 222 00:11:36,960 --> 00:11:39,840 I mean, does she do it the same way every time? 223 00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:42,880 Like, do they have to experiment with the sex life 224 00:11:42,880 --> 00:11:46,800 to keep it fun and, you know? No, I think she just gets rid of the king. 225 00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:50,600 And she can't move, so her babies tend to her, they feed her, 226 00:11:50,600 --> 00:11:53,680 they clean her, they drink the secretion that she sweats. 227 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,600 Look at this. AUDIENCE GROANS 228 00:11:55,600 --> 00:11:57,000 I did warn you it's revolting. 229 00:11:57,000 --> 00:11:58,960 But when she has outlived her usefulness, 230 00:11:58,960 --> 00:12:00,960 so she's not producing enough babies any more, 231 00:12:00,960 --> 00:12:03,800 the children surround her and they lick her to death. 232 00:12:03,800 --> 00:12:06,560 They literally suck the fluids and fats from her body. 233 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:09,560 Who'd have thought that there was such a disgusting story 234 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,560 behind something as lovely as a termite?! 235 00:12:12,560 --> 00:12:15,080 LAUGHTER 236 00:12:15,080 --> 00:12:17,120 But here's the weird thing - when she dies, 237 00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,000 gradually the whole mound dies away. 238 00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:22,040 So they lick her to death and then everybody dies? 239 00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,840 Well, what you need now is to start a new termite mound. 240 00:12:24,840 --> 00:12:26,800 What I need now? No, I mean... 241 00:12:26,800 --> 00:12:28,480 LAUGHTER 242 00:12:28,480 --> 00:12:30,880 When she's died you need to start a new mound 243 00:12:30,880 --> 00:12:33,360 and so what happens is once a year virgin queens will fly out 244 00:12:33,360 --> 00:12:35,560 of the mound and they'll land on the ground 245 00:12:35,560 --> 00:12:38,080 and they instantly shed their wings, so they never fly again, 246 00:12:38,080 --> 00:12:40,200 and they meet a king and they go underground 247 00:12:40,200 --> 00:12:43,760 and they start a new mound. How quickly can she change the king? 248 00:12:43,760 --> 00:12:46,680 Well... Does she have to wear him out? Yeah. Yeah. 249 00:12:46,680 --> 00:12:50,400 In her lifetime she'll go through between five and ten kings. 250 00:12:50,400 --> 00:12:54,120 As one king finishes, does she sort of go, "Quick! Need another!"? 251 00:12:54,120 --> 00:12:57,040 "Get me another one!" "Jump on!" 252 00:12:57,040 --> 00:13:00,400 Talking about royalty, there was a study in 2018, and termite workers, 253 00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:03,240 you have to understand termite workers are generally blind, 254 00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:08,080 they perform a kind of curtsy when they can scent royalty. 255 00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:11,680 So there's a wax coat-like substance that is over the king and queen 256 00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,480 and when the workers smell it they pause and start shaking. 257 00:13:14,480 --> 00:13:17,880 Look, see them shaking? It's almost like a curtsy. 258 00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:20,840 Like being in the presence of their leader. 259 00:13:20,840 --> 00:13:24,600 Anyway, moving on. What's wrong with the Queen in this picture? 260 00:13:24,600 --> 00:13:26,440 Nothing at all. 261 00:13:26,440 --> 00:13:29,320 Oh, no, he's kissing her hand. Sorry, I just realised. Sorry! 262 00:13:29,320 --> 00:13:32,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 263 00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:41,080 Did you think that was a clean-shaven gentleman? 264 00:13:43,160 --> 00:13:46,400 Is she dead? She is dead. Oh! 265 00:13:46,400 --> 00:13:49,920 This is Ines de Castro. So, we are back in the 14th century. 266 00:13:49,920 --> 00:13:53,160 She was the mistress of the then future king of Portugal, Peter I. 267 00:13:53,160 --> 00:13:55,920 He had a wife called Constance, and she died. 268 00:13:55,920 --> 00:13:58,680 He was very sad, so he immediately moved Ines in 269 00:13:58,680 --> 00:14:01,080 and they had three illegitimate children. 270 00:14:01,080 --> 00:14:04,760 Now, his dad was still king then, Alfonso IV, he was furious, 271 00:14:04,760 --> 00:14:06,600 so he had Ines killed. 272 00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:08,720 Well, obviously, Peter didn't like this very much, 273 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,560 so he caught two of the killers and he had their hearts torn out 274 00:14:11,560 --> 00:14:14,880 and pulverised before him while he ate dinner. 275 00:14:14,880 --> 00:14:17,280 So, quite cross. I mean, on the whole, quite cross. 276 00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:19,560 Six years later, he became king. 277 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:22,120 He announced that he and Ines had secretly married. 278 00:14:22,120 --> 00:14:24,880 He dug her up and... GROANING 279 00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:27,480 Yes, and placed her on the throne 280 00:14:27,480 --> 00:14:31,320 and forced the court to swear allegiance to her and kiss her hand. 281 00:14:31,320 --> 00:14:34,760 So, she's not only dead, darling, she's been buried for six years. 282 00:14:34,760 --> 00:14:38,360 Well, in which case, they've done a great job. Yeah. 283 00:14:38,360 --> 00:14:41,200 She looks pretty good. Yeah, absolutely. 284 00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:44,640 I mean, I look worse than that many days. 285 00:14:44,640 --> 00:14:46,880 There's a magnificent coffin which you can still see. 286 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,400 It's at the Monastery of Alcobaca. 287 00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:51,840 But there's a modern Portuguese expression - agora, Ines e morta. 288 00:14:51,840 --> 00:14:53,240 "Now Ines is dead." 289 00:14:53,240 --> 00:14:56,440 It basically means it's too late, you can't turn back now. 290 00:14:56,440 --> 00:15:00,520 But there she is. Finally laid to rest. Being licked by her children. 291 00:15:00,520 --> 00:15:03,160 Well, it's such a horrific story, lots of people thought it was 292 00:15:03,160 --> 00:15:06,040 a myth but, in fact, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that it is, 293 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,480 in fact, a fact. Jesus. 294 00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:10,080 But, actually, in this country, we had a similar sort of thing. 295 00:15:10,080 --> 00:15:14,120 So, in 1667, 230 years after Catherine of Valois - 296 00:15:14,120 --> 00:15:16,120 she was the queen consort of Henry V - 297 00:15:16,120 --> 00:15:17,600 died, her tomb was disturbed. 298 00:15:17,600 --> 00:15:19,960 They were doing some renovations in Westminster Abbey. 299 00:15:19,960 --> 00:15:24,200 And, after that, if you paid a little bit extra to your tour guide, 300 00:15:24,200 --> 00:15:26,080 they would take you to see the corpse. 301 00:15:26,080 --> 00:15:27,960 It became a sort of tourist attraction. 302 00:15:27,960 --> 00:15:30,360 And Samuel Pepys took his wife and daughters to see it, 303 00:15:30,360 --> 00:15:32,640 and this is really weird, he wrote in his diary, 304 00:15:32,640 --> 00:15:36,240 "I did kiss her mouth, reflecting upon it that I did kiss a Queen, 305 00:15:36,240 --> 00:15:40,320 "that this was my birthday, 36 years old, that I did first kiss a Queen." 306 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:44,200 I know! She was 230 years dead. 307 00:15:44,200 --> 00:15:45,800 LAUGHTER 308 00:15:45,800 --> 00:15:47,200 It still counts. 309 00:15:47,200 --> 00:15:49,440 LAUGHTER 310 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:52,480 If it was his first Queen, was it his first corpse, though? 311 00:15:52,480 --> 00:15:55,040 Maybe he couldn't say it was his first corpse 312 00:15:55,040 --> 00:15:56,560 because he's already done that, 313 00:15:56,560 --> 00:15:59,000 so he had to say it was his first Queen. Awkward! Yeah, yeah. 314 00:15:59,000 --> 00:16:00,720 "Oh, the corpse thing? Oh, that!" 315 00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:04,000 "I did that ages ago. That was my 30th." 316 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:07,080 Is that the dead Queen? I would suggest that 317 00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:09,480 that's a wooden carving of her. It looks wood, yes. 318 00:16:09,480 --> 00:16:12,560 DAVID: If that's her dead body, it's had work. Yeah. 319 00:16:12,560 --> 00:16:14,360 LAUGHTER 320 00:16:14,360 --> 00:16:16,440 There have been a couple of instances of royals 321 00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:18,280 who were crowned before they were born. 322 00:16:18,280 --> 00:16:21,800 King Louis X of France, he died on the 5th of June 1316. 323 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:24,240 He was succeeded by his son, John I, 324 00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:26,600 but he wasn't born until the 15th of November, 325 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:30,200 so he reigned for five months in utero. 326 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:35,200 Did they have a coronation? Well, he died five days after he was born... 327 00:16:35,200 --> 00:16:36,840 Aw. Yeah. But, I mean, 328 00:16:36,840 --> 00:16:40,320 in that dynasty he's the one who reigned for his whole life. 329 00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:42,080 LAUGHTER 330 00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,920 He must be the only king to have reigned for five months longer 331 00:16:44,920 --> 00:16:46,920 than he actually lived. Yeah. 332 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:51,800 Ines de Castro was a bit of a stiff, you know, even for a royal! Now... 333 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,640 ..what would you have to do to a mannequin to get yourself arrested? 334 00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,800 Have sex with it for 15 years and then lick it to death. 335 00:16:57,800 --> 00:16:59,440 LAUGHTER 336 00:16:59,440 --> 00:17:03,200 I would say if it's your mannequin that would not be a legal issue, 337 00:17:03,200 --> 00:17:05,880 would it? If you want to hump it for years and years 338 00:17:05,880 --> 00:17:08,720 and then lick it to bits then that's fine, as long as it doesn't 339 00:17:08,720 --> 00:17:12,240 belong to Marks & Spencer and you're not doing it in the window. 340 00:17:12,240 --> 00:17:15,320 LAUGHTER 341 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:19,360 So, if that happens to me, I can say, "David said it was fine"? 342 00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:23,000 Yeah, I promise you, you will not have a legal problem. 343 00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:27,600 Have you trained in any way in the legal fraternity? 344 00:17:27,600 --> 00:17:32,320 No, I have no training legally but...I am right. 345 00:17:32,320 --> 00:17:34,960 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 346 00:17:38,560 --> 00:17:40,080 That's all it takes. Yeah. 347 00:17:40,080 --> 00:17:42,680 A different kind of queen. We're talking about drag queens. 348 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,720 In 1941 there was a drag queen called Julian Eltinge. 349 00:17:45,720 --> 00:17:49,440 He was arrested simply for pointing at a mannequin. 350 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:52,520 So, this is really hard for us... What with? Well... 351 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:54,560 LAUGHTER 352 00:18:02,480 --> 00:18:04,840 That's him on the left, and the right as well. 353 00:18:04,840 --> 00:18:06,800 And it's impossible for us to imagine, 354 00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,960 but he was one of the highest-paid actors in the world in his day. 355 00:18:09,960 --> 00:18:13,960 He was paid 3,500 a week, so that's nearly 60,000 now. 356 00:18:13,960 --> 00:18:17,280 In 1912 he had a Broadway theatre on 42nd Street named after him. 357 00:18:17,280 --> 00:18:18,920 Everybody loved his drag act. 358 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:21,400 He was always doing lots and lots of costume changes. 359 00:18:21,400 --> 00:18:24,240 But then, after World War I, there was a spate of morality laws 360 00:18:24,240 --> 00:18:26,680 and men were banned from dressing as women. 361 00:18:26,680 --> 00:18:30,880 And shortly before his death he was reduced to performing in a tuxedo 362 00:18:30,880 --> 00:18:32,720 with a mannequin next to him 363 00:18:32,720 --> 00:18:35,640 dressed as he would have done when he dressed as a woman, 364 00:18:35,640 --> 00:18:39,000 and he was arrested in a Los Angeles nightclub for simply pointing. 365 00:18:39,000 --> 00:18:42,800 That was thought to be too much. In what year was that? 1941. 366 00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:47,640 '41? Yeah. So they banned drag acts? Yeah. They banned drag acts when? 367 00:18:47,640 --> 00:18:50,400 It started after the First World War 368 00:18:50,400 --> 00:18:53,800 and then it increased and increased to the extent that in 1941 369 00:18:53,800 --> 00:18:56,120 he was arrested for simply pointing. Jesus. 370 00:18:56,120 --> 00:18:57,960 I know, it's bonkers, isn't it? 371 00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,520 In wartime, drag acts would have been very helpful. 372 00:19:01,520 --> 00:19:05,240 Yeah. For morale. I know that's different from moral grounds, 373 00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,160 but on morale grounds, more drag, please. Yes. 374 00:19:08,160 --> 00:19:11,320 In terms of morality, probably the worst story about crossdressing 375 00:19:11,320 --> 00:19:13,960 was a man called William T Sloper. He was on the Titanic 376 00:19:13,960 --> 00:19:17,600 and he was invited into one of the lifeboats by an actress 377 00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,240 he had just met that evening, Dorothy Gibson. 378 00:19:20,240 --> 00:19:23,240 When only a third of the lifeboats were filled to capacity, 379 00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:25,760 the whole women and children thing hadn't kicked in. 380 00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,640 He did survive. He got to the United States and he refused 381 00:19:28,640 --> 00:19:31,720 to talk to reporters cos he had said he would give just a story 382 00:19:31,720 --> 00:19:33,320 to his local newspaper. 383 00:19:33,320 --> 00:19:36,600 And one journalist took umbrage at this and wrote an article anyway 384 00:19:36,600 --> 00:19:39,560 and invented the notion that he had in fact escaped 385 00:19:39,560 --> 00:19:42,520 because he was dressed as a woman, and it wasn't true at all. 386 00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:45,840 But he lived under the curse of this accusation for the rest of his life. 387 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:49,440 There was somebody who did escape, sort of, by crossdressing, 388 00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:52,240 a steerage class passenger called David Buckley. 389 00:19:52,240 --> 00:19:55,440 He made his way into a lifeboat and then all the men were ordered off, 390 00:19:55,440 --> 00:19:57,960 but a woman he was sitting next to threw her shawl over him 391 00:19:57,960 --> 00:20:00,160 and he stayed in the lifeboat and he did survive. 392 00:20:00,160 --> 00:20:02,720 I don't think it's, strictly speaking, crossdressing, 393 00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,800 he just was covered with a thing. 394 00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:08,760 It's where crossdressing meets hiding. Yes. 395 00:20:08,760 --> 00:20:13,040 Now, who was the first queen to get a Brazilian? 396 00:20:13,040 --> 00:20:15,640 Ooh. Oh. Cleopatra. 397 00:20:15,640 --> 00:20:18,400 Why do you think her? She used to bath in milk. 398 00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,960 She was up for stuff. Asses' milk. Yeah. 399 00:20:20,960 --> 00:20:22,840 Yeah, not even normal milk. No. 400 00:20:22,840 --> 00:20:24,880 She married several of her brothers. 401 00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:28,160 She was a, you know, what we'd call now a "weirdo". 402 00:20:28,160 --> 00:20:30,720 LAUGHTER 403 00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:34,680 No, it is not her. Did someone get a Brazilian husband? 404 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:36,840 We are heading indeed to Brazil, if that helps. 405 00:20:36,840 --> 00:20:39,720 I had to have this picture explained to me when I first saw it. 406 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:41,160 LAUGHTER 407 00:20:41,160 --> 00:20:44,200 Well, we know more about you than we thought we did! 408 00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:45,880 LAUGHTER 409 00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:48,720 I'm in the same gang as you - high-five! 410 00:20:48,720 --> 00:20:50,240 Go, girl! 411 00:20:50,240 --> 00:20:52,880 Honestly, I thought it was caramel, I had no idea what it might be. 412 00:20:52,880 --> 00:20:54,240 LAUGHTER 413 00:20:54,240 --> 00:20:57,600 We're going to 1807, we are going to Portugal - 414 00:20:57,600 --> 00:20:59,760 the Crown Prince, Dom Joao. 415 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,480 Napoleon is approaching and he takes his entire court, 416 00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,800 including his Queen, Carlota, and he thinks, 417 00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:08,200 "Let's go to one of our colonies," and they head off to Brazil. 418 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:11,600 So, they go off in a convoy of ships from Lisbon to Brazil, 419 00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:13,280 10,000 people go with him. 420 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:15,800 And it's unbelievably overcrowded and unhygienic, 421 00:21:15,800 --> 00:21:18,160 and a lice infestation breaks out. 422 00:21:18,160 --> 00:21:20,360 So, in order to get rid of the lice, 423 00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:23,400 they all, including all the women, they have to shave their heads, 424 00:21:23,400 --> 00:21:26,160 they have to throw all their powdered wigs away 425 00:21:26,160 --> 00:21:28,400 and cover their heads in pig fat. 426 00:21:28,400 --> 00:21:30,400 Now, they're about to arrive in Brazil, 427 00:21:30,400 --> 00:21:32,600 they want to make a bit of a stir. A to-do. 428 00:21:32,600 --> 00:21:35,200 But they've got bald heads and pig fat. 429 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:38,000 I think that'll do the job, then! 430 00:21:38,000 --> 00:21:39,240 LAUGHTER 431 00:21:39,240 --> 00:21:41,680 They arrive at a place called Guanabara Bay, 432 00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:43,880 and Carlota and all the other royal women 433 00:21:43,880 --> 00:21:48,120 emerged with their bald heads covered with improvised turbans. 434 00:21:48,120 --> 00:21:50,200 And, apparently, so the story goes, 435 00:21:50,200 --> 00:21:53,400 the Brazilian women thought this was the height of European style, 436 00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:57,360 and it became the local fashion. But the problem is that Brazil is 437 00:21:57,360 --> 00:22:00,480 full of a wonderful African-Brazilian population, 438 00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,560 and I would have thought that the turban thing 439 00:22:02,560 --> 00:22:05,240 would have come from that part of the world originally. 440 00:22:05,240 --> 00:22:08,120 But we don't know. So, they were bald everywhere, then? 441 00:22:08,120 --> 00:22:10,360 Are you worrying about...? 442 00:22:10,360 --> 00:22:11,880 LAUGHTER 443 00:22:11,880 --> 00:22:14,280 Well, I've just grown my winter's coat in. 444 00:22:14,280 --> 00:22:17,120 LAUGHTER 445 00:22:17,120 --> 00:22:20,240 This one looks not unlike David Mitchell. 446 00:22:23,800 --> 00:22:27,960 Do you not think she looks a bit like Marty Feldman? 447 00:22:27,960 --> 00:22:30,840 Yes, crossed with David Mitchell. 448 00:22:30,840 --> 00:22:33,680 This is building up into quite the compliment! 449 00:22:35,960 --> 00:22:38,240 Whether the story is true or not about the Brazilians, 450 00:22:38,240 --> 00:22:40,960 there is a long history of commoners imitating royals. 451 00:22:40,960 --> 00:22:43,440 There was a man called Guglielmo, Duke of Mantua. 452 00:22:43,440 --> 00:22:45,680 He was a hunchback - so we're talking 16th century - 453 00:22:45,680 --> 00:22:49,280 and so all of his courtiers put humps on to compliment him. 454 00:22:49,280 --> 00:22:52,200 Aw! You've got to judge that carefully. 455 00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:56,440 Yeah. Because it might look like you're taking the piss. Just a bit! 456 00:22:56,440 --> 00:22:58,600 The Princess of Wales, Alexandra, 457 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:01,120 she had a limp because she had a stiff knee joint 458 00:23:01,120 --> 00:23:03,560 and it became fashionable to limp in the same way. 459 00:23:03,560 --> 00:23:05,320 It was known as the Alexandra limp. 460 00:23:05,320 --> 00:23:08,240 Isn't there a thing about waistcoat buttons as well? 461 00:23:08,240 --> 00:23:10,120 What's the thing about waistcoat buttons? 462 00:23:10,120 --> 00:23:12,720 In Britain you're supposed to leave your bottom button 463 00:23:12,720 --> 00:23:15,240 of a waistcoat undone and I'd heard... 464 00:23:15,240 --> 00:23:17,520 Because of some fat bastard? Some fat bastard, yes. 465 00:23:17,520 --> 00:23:19,760 Some king who couldn't do all his buttons up, 466 00:23:19,760 --> 00:23:23,160 so everyone went round leaving some of their buttons undone like, 467 00:23:23,160 --> 00:23:26,000 "Yeah, it's just normal, it's just really stylish." 468 00:23:26,000 --> 00:23:31,040 And you had to have food round your mouth and all down your tie. Yeah. 469 00:23:31,040 --> 00:23:32,720 The waistcoat buttons is true. 470 00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:34,760 Edward VII when he was Prince of Wales. 471 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,320 Oh, her husband. Her husband, in fact, yeah. 472 00:23:37,320 --> 00:23:39,360 Here's another interesting fashion for royals. 473 00:23:39,360 --> 00:23:42,120 Louis XIV, he had a fashion that courtiers should have 474 00:23:42,120 --> 00:23:44,280 one long fingernail. Why was that? 475 00:23:44,280 --> 00:23:47,600 My husband's got one special toenail for scratching his eczema. 476 00:23:47,600 --> 00:23:48,760 It's awful, isn't it? 477 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:51,200 APPALLED LAUGHTER That's genuinely true. 478 00:23:55,520 --> 00:23:58,240 Is that the sort of thing you were after? 479 00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:04,800 I feel, in this show, you and I are in danger of over-sharing. 480 00:24:04,800 --> 00:24:07,920 And you seem to be fine with that, though. Yeah, 481 00:24:07,920 --> 00:24:11,560 as long as he keeps it to himself, I'm all right. Right. Yeah, yeah. 482 00:24:11,560 --> 00:24:13,960 He hasn't really, has he, now? No. 483 00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,760 LAUGHTER 484 00:24:16,760 --> 00:24:18,680 He's only told me quite recently, 485 00:24:18,680 --> 00:24:21,520 and we've been together for nearly 15 years, 486 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:24,440 so there's nothing I can do about it now, is what I'm saying, 487 00:24:24,440 --> 00:24:28,760 I'm stuck with it. Except maybe pay more attention in the future. 488 00:24:28,760 --> 00:24:31,600 So, the one long fingernail, what do we reckon? 489 00:24:31,600 --> 00:24:35,360 Is that a cane that he's leaning on, or is that the fingernail? 490 00:24:35,360 --> 00:24:38,360 I want that to be it. No, he didn't have the fingernail, 491 00:24:38,360 --> 00:24:39,760 it was the courtiers who had one. 492 00:24:39,760 --> 00:24:41,720 Everyone else had to have the fingernail? Yes. 493 00:24:41,720 --> 00:24:44,520 Was it to do with his anus? Let me just get that out of my head. 494 00:24:44,520 --> 00:24:46,560 GROANING AND LAUGHTER 495 00:24:46,560 --> 00:24:49,320 What it's doing in your head?! 496 00:24:49,320 --> 00:24:51,920 I'm just imagining... 497 00:24:51,920 --> 00:24:55,040 GROANING AND LAUGHTER 498 00:25:01,880 --> 00:25:05,600 That is your takeaway from this show - 499 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:07,240 a pulsating termite, 500 00:25:07,240 --> 00:25:10,520 and a fingernail up Louis XIV's arse. Now... 501 00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,480 In this... 502 00:25:15,680 --> 00:25:19,760 In this reality, he said, "I want any of you to be ready." Yeah. 503 00:25:19,760 --> 00:25:22,320 "There's no telling who I'm going to ask 504 00:25:22,320 --> 00:25:25,160 "to stick their fingernail up my anus, 505 00:25:25,160 --> 00:25:28,840 "so I want you all to grow it. I don't want it to be a specialism, 506 00:25:28,840 --> 00:25:33,680 "I want to say, 'You, now! Up there!'" 507 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:39,680 No, so, he decreed that nobody was allowed to knock on his door. 508 00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:41,800 So, instead they... Just scratch. 509 00:25:41,800 --> 00:25:43,960 MAKES SCRAPING NOISES 510 00:25:43,960 --> 00:25:47,320 They had to scratch really gently with one finger. 511 00:25:47,320 --> 00:25:50,960 And so it became a thing that you grew a fingernail 512 00:25:50,960 --> 00:25:54,400 especially to scratch on the King's door. 513 00:25:54,400 --> 00:25:56,720 And it really rather suggested you had the King's ear. 514 00:25:56,720 --> 00:25:59,800 I know, weird rules. Honestly, would've been better off 515 00:25:59,800 --> 00:26:02,240 if they'd done it up his arse. I just think... 516 00:26:02,240 --> 00:26:03,600 LAUGHTER 517 00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:05,200 Anyway, moving on. 518 00:26:05,200 --> 00:26:09,240 What was your best chance of seeing the Queen's Ass in the 18th century? 519 00:26:09,240 --> 00:26:12,760 Asking really, really, really nicely. 520 00:26:12,760 --> 00:26:14,560 LAUGHTER 521 00:26:14,560 --> 00:26:18,880 Is she standing underneath some sort of a vacuum that sucked her hair? 522 00:26:20,840 --> 00:26:24,800 No, those are... Those are bees, I think! 523 00:26:24,800 --> 00:26:27,920 You know how if you send a big parcel, you have to get 524 00:26:27,920 --> 00:26:30,440 the bigger stamps? Yes. Has that got the ass on? 525 00:26:30,440 --> 00:26:34,440 Oh, what, the stamps? Yeah, cos you see more of it on the stamp. 526 00:26:34,440 --> 00:26:37,760 LAUGHTER 527 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,760 So you're saying that stamps are like those things that they used to 528 00:26:40,760 --> 00:26:42,600 have peanuts on in pubs, 529 00:26:42,600 --> 00:26:47,680 and the more expensive the stamp, the more of the Queen you'd see? 530 00:26:47,680 --> 00:26:54,080 "I'm going to send a really big parcel. We'll see the whole of her." 531 00:26:54,080 --> 00:26:55,640 Yeah, exactly. 532 00:26:55,640 --> 00:26:59,040 Is it a donkey? Yes, it is. 533 00:26:59,040 --> 00:27:02,320 It's not the Queen's bum, is it? It's not the Queen's bum at all. 534 00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:04,960 This is Queen Charlotte, she was the wife of George the...? 535 00:27:04,960 --> 00:27:07,400 George III? George III, absolutely right. 536 00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,520 He's very good on his monarchs, yes. He's very good. 537 00:27:09,520 --> 00:27:13,000 I'm tickling it out of him. Ew! 538 00:27:13,000 --> 00:27:15,000 LAUGHTER 539 00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:19,240 That's my... My secret, yeah, an anus full of facts! 540 00:27:19,240 --> 00:27:22,360 LAUGHTER 541 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:24,560 "The Anus of Fact!" 542 00:27:24,560 --> 00:27:27,400 And that's actually the working title of my memoir! 543 00:27:30,120 --> 00:27:32,920 It wasn't a donkey, it was a zebra. It was known as the Queen's Ass, 544 00:27:32,920 --> 00:27:37,320 given to her by the Governor of the Cape in South Africa in 1761. 545 00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:40,160 It was a wedding present. He sent a pair, he sent a male and a female. 546 00:27:40,160 --> 00:27:42,960 Unfortunately, the male, no stamina, died en route. 547 00:27:42,960 --> 00:27:46,120 But the female arrived, only a year late for the wedding, but, hey! 548 00:27:46,120 --> 00:27:49,000 It was a very popular attraction. Lots of people had never seen one 549 00:27:49,000 --> 00:27:51,840 before and she had stables at Buckingham Gate. 550 00:27:51,840 --> 00:27:53,800 And George Stubbs, the great painter, 551 00:27:53,800 --> 00:27:55,440 produced a marvellous large painting. 552 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:57,680 And, apparently, she bred it. I mean, not...! 553 00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,480 LAUGHTER 554 00:27:59,480 --> 00:28:00,880 I say not her personally. 555 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:03,000 But, apparently, they painted white stripes 556 00:28:03,000 --> 00:28:08,360 on the backside of a male donkey to persuade her to mate with it. 557 00:28:08,360 --> 00:28:10,320 And it worked and gave birth. 558 00:28:10,320 --> 00:28:13,040 So, what would that be - a donkey and a zebra? 559 00:28:13,040 --> 00:28:17,440 A donkra? A donkra, I like that. A zebrey. Zebkey. 560 00:28:17,440 --> 00:28:20,640 It sounds like a condition, it's a zebroid. A zebroid? Oh. 561 00:28:20,640 --> 00:28:24,200 You know how you can't sit very well and go, "Oh, it's my zebroids." 562 00:28:24,200 --> 00:28:28,440 Aw! Aah! Oh, they like that. That's a very good photo. 563 00:28:28,440 --> 00:28:33,120 For 18th-century technology, that's an amazing photo! 564 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:37,400 It does look like a donkey in leggings, doesn't it? 565 00:28:37,400 --> 00:28:39,840 "Donkeys in tights!" 566 00:28:39,840 --> 00:28:42,960 Apparently, they use the same technique for breeding race horses. 567 00:28:42,960 --> 00:28:46,880 Some stallions will only mate with mares of a particular colour. 568 00:28:46,880 --> 00:28:50,800 I wear a George Clooney mask quite often when I make love. 569 00:28:50,800 --> 00:28:53,040 LAUGHTER 570 00:28:54,520 --> 00:28:57,440 On my bum, you understand. 571 00:28:57,440 --> 00:29:01,400 The very first giraffe to arrive in Britain was a present to royals. 572 00:29:01,400 --> 00:29:05,320 It was sent in 1827. It was a gift from Egypt to George IV. 573 00:29:05,320 --> 00:29:07,800 I like this - the ship that it was transported in, 574 00:29:07,800 --> 00:29:10,320 they had to cut a hole in the deck! 575 00:29:10,320 --> 00:29:13,240 At about the same time Egypt gifted another giraffe to France, 576 00:29:13,240 --> 00:29:16,000 and it was called Zarafa, and it became so popular 577 00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:19,760 it created a craze in Paris for having your hair done a la giraffe. 578 00:29:19,760 --> 00:29:21,840 What was the hair...? Oh! 579 00:29:21,840 --> 00:29:23,280 Yeah. Yeah. 580 00:29:23,280 --> 00:29:26,080 So not like hair, like horns. Yes, more like horns. 581 00:29:26,080 --> 00:29:29,640 That's not, I would say, the most noticeable thing about a giraffe. 582 00:29:29,640 --> 00:29:31,120 LAUGHTER 583 00:29:31,120 --> 00:29:35,680 They look at a giraffe and that was their takeaway thing. 584 00:29:35,680 --> 00:29:37,200 "Oh, yeah, just little horns. 585 00:29:37,200 --> 00:29:39,240 "I'm going to have my hair done like that." 586 00:29:39,240 --> 00:29:41,720 It's got a four-metre neck! 587 00:29:41,720 --> 00:29:44,440 LAUGHTER 588 00:29:44,440 --> 00:29:46,360 They have the most astonishing tongues. 589 00:29:46,360 --> 00:29:48,080 I went to a feeding station once 590 00:29:48,080 --> 00:29:50,240 where you can go up into a tower and feed the giraffes 591 00:29:50,240 --> 00:29:51,680 and, honestly, it's terrifying. 592 00:29:51,680 --> 00:29:54,600 Was it a tower for everybody else or just for you? 593 00:29:54,600 --> 00:29:59,560 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 594 00:29:59,560 --> 00:30:02,600 Queen Elizabeth II has received lots and lots of exotic animals - 595 00:30:02,600 --> 00:30:06,760 two sloths from Brazil, two pygmy hippopotamuses from Liberia, 596 00:30:06,760 --> 00:30:09,400 a crocodile from Zambia, an elephant from Cameroon, 597 00:30:09,400 --> 00:30:12,400 six kangaroos from Australia - thank you - 598 00:30:12,400 --> 00:30:16,520 and a pig from Fiji which decided to remain on Fiji. 599 00:30:16,520 --> 00:30:18,520 I wonder why Fiji sent a pig. 600 00:30:18,520 --> 00:30:21,520 Maybe they don't have many giraffes there. Yeah. 601 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:25,080 "She'll expect a giraffe!" "Well, we haven't got one!" 602 00:30:25,080 --> 00:30:29,440 "So embarrassing. We can't send her a pig. She'll HAVE a pig." 603 00:30:29,440 --> 00:30:32,840 LAUGHTER 604 00:30:32,840 --> 00:30:37,400 Now, we've got a dog collar, a hound tether, a game noose 605 00:30:37,400 --> 00:30:41,360 and you've got the horn. What game can we play? 606 00:30:41,360 --> 00:30:43,840 What noose have we got? A game noose. 607 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:47,720 Oh, a noose that's up for anything. A game noose. It's a game noose. 608 00:30:47,720 --> 00:30:49,960 Well, let's just try and work it out. 609 00:30:49,960 --> 00:30:53,440 What might you do with a game noose? So, that's the third one. 610 00:30:53,440 --> 00:30:56,120 Is it where, you know, you don't want to shoot pheasants, 611 00:30:56,120 --> 00:30:58,600 but you might encourage them to commit suicide? 612 00:30:58,600 --> 00:31:01,600 So, sort of saying, maybe, "I mean, you're a pheasant, 613 00:31:01,600 --> 00:31:04,200 "what is there to live for, you know? 614 00:31:04,200 --> 00:31:07,760 "Anyway, there it is." 615 00:31:07,760 --> 00:31:10,800 I mean, to be honest, if the pheasant's killed itself, 616 00:31:10,800 --> 00:31:13,640 it's not the same thing as eating it having shot it, is it? 617 00:31:13,640 --> 00:31:17,040 You could probably make an argument that it's like a vegan pheasant. 618 00:31:17,040 --> 00:31:19,840 LAUGHTER 619 00:31:19,840 --> 00:31:22,520 It is kind of what David is talking about, it's about pheasants, 620 00:31:22,520 --> 00:31:24,360 but you want to be able to carry them home. 621 00:31:24,360 --> 00:31:26,240 Like little soft handcuffs, or something? 622 00:31:26,240 --> 00:31:29,040 Well, I think more you put it round its neck, darling, 623 00:31:29,040 --> 00:31:32,720 and carry it home on your belt. It's like a pheasant clip. 624 00:31:32,720 --> 00:31:35,600 Exactly, darling, yes. "Where the hell am I going to put my pheasant? 625 00:31:35,600 --> 00:31:37,760 "Oh, I know, I've got my game noose." Yeah. 626 00:31:37,760 --> 00:31:41,080 So, all of these things come from one game. 627 00:31:41,080 --> 00:31:44,880 A dog collar, a hound tether, a game noose and a horn. 628 00:31:44,880 --> 00:31:47,880 From somewhere around 1470, this game. 629 00:31:47,880 --> 00:31:50,480 SARAH: Is it a sex game? 630 00:31:50,480 --> 00:31:53,080 Well, it depends how you play it, I suppose! 631 00:31:53,080 --> 00:31:55,120 Let's not limit ourselves! 632 00:31:55,120 --> 00:31:57,280 Is it cards? It is absolutely cards. 633 00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,080 So, the world's oldest full set of playing cards, 634 00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:02,200 it's called the Hofjager Hunting Pack. 635 00:32:02,200 --> 00:32:05,040 It's currently at the Metropolitan Museum in New York City. 636 00:32:05,040 --> 00:32:07,800 What's the top one? It looks like a balloon whisk. 637 00:32:07,800 --> 00:32:10,400 So, instead of the suits that we have today, 638 00:32:10,400 --> 00:32:12,080 if we go through them, 639 00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:14,720 the dog collar on the bottom, and then the game noose, 640 00:32:14,720 --> 00:32:17,840 and then the horn, and then a hound tether. Oh, OK. 641 00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:20,040 There weren't any rule books until the 17th century, 642 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:22,440 so we don't know what kind of games they would have played. 643 00:32:22,440 --> 00:32:25,000 But this would have been one of the first packs to have a queen. 644 00:32:25,000 --> 00:32:26,680 In Europe, they originally had no queen - 645 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:28,600 they had a cavalier on horseback instead. 646 00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:31,080 But around the 15th century, they start to swap them out 647 00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:33,320 and start to have a queen. We're not really sure why. 648 00:32:33,320 --> 00:32:36,080 It may be that there's a slightly Biblical influence, 649 00:32:36,080 --> 00:32:38,120 so if you look at the queen of hearts there, 650 00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,400 she's got the name Judith from the Book of Judith, 651 00:32:40,400 --> 00:32:42,760 the queen of diamonds was called Rachel, 652 00:32:42,760 --> 00:32:44,360 the favourite wife of Jacob. 653 00:32:44,360 --> 00:32:47,440 The queen of spades was linked to the goddess Athena. 654 00:32:47,440 --> 00:32:49,680 Clubs, I think they ran out of ideas, OK? 655 00:32:49,680 --> 00:32:52,320 This was the name for the queen of clubs. Have a quick look 656 00:32:52,320 --> 00:32:54,880 and see why you think she might have been called this. 657 00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:56,960 Argine. It's an anagram. 658 00:32:56,960 --> 00:33:00,160 It's Regina. It is Regina. It just means queen. 659 00:33:00,160 --> 00:33:02,960 But lots of things have changed in games, cos the queen in chess 660 00:33:02,960 --> 00:33:06,840 was originally the vizier, so the sort of adviser, the minister. 661 00:33:06,840 --> 00:33:08,480 The chess board was a battlefield, 662 00:33:08,480 --> 00:33:11,320 and then it eventually became the Royal Court, so you get the vizier, 663 00:33:11,320 --> 00:33:14,000 the infantry, the cavalry, the elephants and the chariots. 664 00:33:14,000 --> 00:33:16,320 They become the queen, the knight, the bishop, and so on. 665 00:33:16,320 --> 00:33:19,160 In the 15th century it was thought inappropriate to promote a piece 666 00:33:19,160 --> 00:33:21,720 that you had more than one queen on the board. Why might that be? 667 00:33:21,720 --> 00:33:24,480 Was there some queen who didn't like even the suggestion that there 668 00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:26,920 might be another queen and banned the practice? 669 00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:29,720 It's thought to symbolise adultery. Ohhh. Yes. 670 00:33:29,720 --> 00:33:32,840 In Monopoly, when did they start having the little dog and the hat 671 00:33:32,840 --> 00:33:35,160 and all of that? When did that kick off? 672 00:33:35,160 --> 00:33:37,440 That is a very good question. Thanks. 673 00:33:37,440 --> 00:33:40,200 There were, in fact, all just charms off a charm bracelet. Oh. 674 00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:44,720 I know. Sorry. Yeah, that's a shit answer. Sorry. 675 00:33:44,720 --> 00:33:48,560 I don't know, Sarah, but let's hope one day somebody finds out. Thanks. 676 00:33:48,560 --> 00:33:52,320 They'll just edit the bit out where I tell you the truth. OK. 677 00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:56,120 I believe they were charms from a charm bracelet. 678 00:33:56,120 --> 00:33:59,200 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 679 00:34:01,680 --> 00:34:04,000 Did you get that from your Anus of Facts? Yes. 680 00:34:04,000 --> 00:34:06,680 Yeah, I've just popped into my own anus and... 681 00:34:08,880 --> 00:34:10,640 Now it's time for the short walk 682 00:34:10,640 --> 00:34:12,760 to the chopping block we call General Ignorance. 683 00:34:12,760 --> 00:34:15,280 Fingers on buzzers, please. 684 00:34:15,280 --> 00:34:18,760 What's the oldest object in the Crown Jewels? 685 00:34:18,760 --> 00:34:20,320 Is it the Queen? 686 00:34:21,960 --> 00:34:24,000 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 687 00:34:27,920 --> 00:34:29,800 It's not a bad guess. 688 00:34:29,800 --> 00:34:31,680 # Homecoming queen! # 689 00:34:31,680 --> 00:34:33,280 Wow, that's really loud! 690 00:34:33,280 --> 00:34:35,560 I'm sorry, I turned the volume right up. 691 00:34:37,400 --> 00:34:39,080 It's an old spoon. 692 00:34:39,080 --> 00:34:43,160 Yes, you are absolutely right. It is an old spoon. 693 00:34:43,160 --> 00:34:45,120 APPLAUSE 694 00:34:46,800 --> 00:34:50,000 Another one out of the anus. Yeah, I know. 695 00:34:50,000 --> 00:34:51,440 How old, David? How old? 696 00:34:51,440 --> 00:34:55,200 Well, most of the Crown Jewels were lost at the Civil War. 697 00:34:55,200 --> 00:34:57,120 Almost everything is post-Civil War... 698 00:34:57,120 --> 00:34:59,920 ALAN MAKES SQUEAKING SOUND ..and there's the odd thing left. 699 00:34:59,920 --> 00:35:01,800 The anus speaks! 700 00:35:04,480 --> 00:35:07,320 There's only a very few things from before that, so, from before then. 701 00:35:07,320 --> 00:35:08,640 So, it's late 12th-century, 702 00:35:08,640 --> 00:35:11,880 so it's a ten-and-a-half-inch-long anointing spoon, 703 00:35:11,880 --> 00:35:15,240 it's one of only four things that we have which predate the Restoration. 704 00:35:15,240 --> 00:35:18,000 The other three are some 17th-century swords. 705 00:35:18,000 --> 00:35:20,040 It's from about the time of Edward the Confessor. 706 00:35:20,040 --> 00:35:21,840 You get a set of coronation regalia which 707 00:35:21,840 --> 00:35:23,520 gets passed down from ruler to ruler. 708 00:35:23,520 --> 00:35:26,000 But then, of course, as you say, the monarchy was abolished 709 00:35:26,000 --> 00:35:28,600 and the new government decides to melt everything down. 710 00:35:28,600 --> 00:35:31,080 But there was a guy called Mr Kynnersley. 711 00:35:31,080 --> 00:35:33,240 He was the Yeoman of Charles I's wardrobe, 712 00:35:33,240 --> 00:35:36,440 and he bought the spoon for 16 shillings - 713 00:35:36,440 --> 00:35:40,640 about 11 days' wages at the time, so it's not a complete fortune. 714 00:35:40,640 --> 00:35:43,280 And when the monarchy was restored, he returned the spoon. 715 00:35:43,280 --> 00:35:46,080 Did they give him 16 shillings? No, he just gave it back. 716 00:35:46,080 --> 00:35:48,600 He just returned it. What a lovely gesture. Yeah. 717 00:35:48,600 --> 00:35:52,760 Now, what's the best thing to eat to help you with your hay fever? 718 00:35:52,760 --> 00:35:56,200 Is it an antihistamine? That would be the best thing, yes. 719 00:35:56,200 --> 00:35:58,080 But what is the thing people often think? 720 00:35:58,080 --> 00:36:01,640 They say, this is a klaxon one. Yeah. People say honey. 721 00:36:01,640 --> 00:36:03,920 But it isn't, you're absolutely right. 722 00:36:03,920 --> 00:36:06,360 It's a long-standing myth that it would help with hay fever. 723 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:08,680 Why might you think it would help with hay fever? 724 00:36:08,680 --> 00:36:10,160 Gets the bees on side. 725 00:36:10,160 --> 00:36:12,120 The idea is that it's got pollen in it 726 00:36:12,120 --> 00:36:14,640 and it desensitises you to the pollen that's in the air. 727 00:36:14,640 --> 00:36:16,920 In fact, it's not going to help you at all. 728 00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:19,840 It's really nice, though, isn't it, honey? I love it on toast, or... 729 00:36:23,240 --> 00:36:25,120 ..porridge, I like it on porridge. 730 00:36:25,120 --> 00:36:28,760 I've never understood why you would put it on a carrot. 731 00:36:28,760 --> 00:36:31,840 Who puts it on a carrot? People put it... Glaze it, don't they? 732 00:36:31,840 --> 00:36:34,240 Oh, I see. I thought you meant, like... No. 733 00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:40,360 Just to make it, you know, easier. I don't know! 734 00:36:41,840 --> 00:36:45,200 I just thought you were lubing up a carrot. Lube a carrot? 735 00:36:46,680 --> 00:36:49,640 What, to dislodge a particularly hard fact? 736 00:36:52,800 --> 00:36:55,400 APPLAUSE 737 00:36:58,800 --> 00:37:01,640 I've got the dates of the Wars Of The Roses up there somewhere. 738 00:37:01,640 --> 00:37:04,360 Hold on, I'll lube up a carrot! A carrot will shift it. 739 00:37:05,920 --> 00:37:09,880 I don't think honey's a lube. I think it's anything but a lube. 740 00:37:09,880 --> 00:37:11,920 It's going to make the progress of the carrot 741 00:37:11,920 --> 00:37:13,400 altogether more challenging. 742 00:37:15,480 --> 00:37:18,000 Er... Back to honey. 743 00:37:18,000 --> 00:37:21,520 The vast majority of seasonal allergies are caused by wind pollinators 744 00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:23,560 that release the pollen into the air 745 00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:26,800 and bees generally pollinate plants that need insects. 746 00:37:26,800 --> 00:37:30,400 So the pollen you get in your honey isn't the pollen 747 00:37:30,400 --> 00:37:31,920 that's giving you your allergies. 748 00:37:31,920 --> 00:37:34,240 Why is some of it runny and some of it hard? 749 00:37:34,240 --> 00:37:36,760 It depends on how you treat it after it has been gathered. 750 00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:39,040 It's not the bees' choice? The bees don't go... 751 00:37:39,040 --> 00:37:40,440 "Make a bunch of hard stuff." 752 00:37:40,440 --> 00:37:44,160 The product development section, they've come up with nothing. 753 00:37:44,160 --> 00:37:47,640 No peppermint flavoured honey, no strawberry honey. 754 00:37:47,640 --> 00:37:51,760 You get clover honey and lavender honey. Do you? Yeah. 755 00:37:51,760 --> 00:37:53,200 MONOTONE: Do you? 756 00:37:55,040 --> 00:37:57,480 I've never heard anybody more disinterested. 757 00:37:58,680 --> 00:38:02,040 It's like none of you have heard of jam, that's the problem I've got. 758 00:38:03,840 --> 00:38:06,600 Eating honey won't help your hay fever. 759 00:38:06,600 --> 00:38:09,000 Who wrote the Queensberry Rules? 760 00:38:09,000 --> 00:38:11,240 The Marquess of Queensberry? 761 00:38:11,240 --> 00:38:14,280 I didn't say it! I never said it! 762 00:38:15,920 --> 00:38:17,600 He endorsed them, he did not write them. 763 00:38:17,600 --> 00:38:20,080 They were written by a Welshman called John Graham Chambers. 764 00:38:20,080 --> 00:38:22,000 So, he founded the Amateur Athletic Club. 765 00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:24,960 He's probably famous for the fact that he rode beside a man called 766 00:38:24,960 --> 00:38:27,320 Matthew Webb - anybody know what Matthew Webb did? 767 00:38:27,320 --> 00:38:30,000 He was in a sketch double-act. Sketch double-act, yeah! 768 00:38:33,280 --> 00:38:35,640 He was the really funny one. He was really, really funny! 769 00:38:37,440 --> 00:38:39,680 LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE 770 00:38:42,240 --> 00:38:45,600 Matthew Webb - first person recorded to swim the Channel in 1875. 771 00:38:45,600 --> 00:38:47,400 But you said the first person "recorded". 772 00:38:47,400 --> 00:38:50,200 Does that mean that other people did it and just didn't tell anybody? 773 00:38:50,200 --> 00:38:53,000 Yeah, ssh! Ssh! People have been doing it for years! 774 00:38:53,000 --> 00:38:55,600 I mean, we don't know, do we, because they didn't tell anybody? 775 00:38:55,600 --> 00:38:58,640 Exactly. Yeah. Just kept it quiet. It's like the moon. 776 00:38:58,640 --> 00:39:01,720 Who knows how many people have been popping up to the moon? 777 00:39:03,080 --> 00:39:05,280 And it wasn't Columbus that discovered the Americas, 778 00:39:05,280 --> 00:39:07,720 the Vikings went there ages ago. 779 00:39:07,720 --> 00:39:09,720 The Vikings probably went to the moon. Yeah. 780 00:39:09,720 --> 00:39:13,440 I read the other day, after Columbus discovered America... 781 00:39:13,440 --> 00:39:17,080 Well, he didn't, but... Went there. When he went there. 782 00:39:17,080 --> 00:39:20,560 There were 55 million Native Americans 783 00:39:20,560 --> 00:39:23,560 and within 100 years, 90% of them were dead. 784 00:39:23,560 --> 00:39:25,880 Mainly from diseases. 785 00:39:25,880 --> 00:39:29,320 That's pretty astonishing, and much worse than I had... 786 00:39:29,320 --> 00:39:32,040 Not to mention nearly all the bison. Yeah. 787 00:39:32,040 --> 00:39:33,520 Carnage of that... 788 00:39:36,680 --> 00:39:39,760 I've been, I'm just... It's the way I mourn the... 789 00:39:43,760 --> 00:39:45,280 Oh, the suffering! 790 00:39:47,680 --> 00:39:51,360 No, it's a fly. Something slipped out the Anus of Facts there. 791 00:39:53,240 --> 00:39:55,840 Some of my facts are attracting flies. 792 00:39:58,080 --> 00:40:00,840 I think the strangest adoption of the Queensberry Rules boxing 793 00:40:00,840 --> 00:40:03,200 was a sport, it was called horse boxing, 794 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,920 and it was the invention of a guy, invented it in Berlin, 795 00:40:05,920 --> 00:40:08,400 an African-American boxer called Bobby Dobbs. 796 00:40:08,400 --> 00:40:13,120 It's essentially a boxing match but you just sit and punch each other... 797 00:40:15,720 --> 00:40:18,360 ..on a horse. While the horses have a little chat. Yeah. 798 00:40:21,280 --> 00:40:25,520 Can you think of a quicker way of making horses despise humanity? 799 00:40:26,880 --> 00:40:28,160 Well, apparently, in 1912, 800 00:40:28,160 --> 00:40:30,120 it was demonstrated at a tournament in Germany. 801 00:40:30,120 --> 00:40:32,280 They thought of putting this into the German Army's 802 00:40:32,280 --> 00:40:34,560 proper officer training. 803 00:40:34,560 --> 00:40:37,160 "The new sport will be valuable for the soldier on horseback 804 00:40:37,160 --> 00:40:39,400 "in time of war as, when he loses his weapons, 805 00:40:39,400 --> 00:40:42,320 "he will have to fall back on his natural means of defence." 806 00:40:42,320 --> 00:40:44,600 It didn't work out as a sport. Anybody know why? 807 00:40:44,600 --> 00:40:46,200 Can't hold the reins? 808 00:40:46,200 --> 00:40:48,280 Horses did not want to stand still. Ah! 809 00:40:49,480 --> 00:40:52,680 The Marquess of Queensbury didn't make the rules. 810 00:40:52,680 --> 00:40:55,440 What were tarot cards invented for? 811 00:40:57,240 --> 00:40:59,880 KLAXON BLARES 812 00:41:01,240 --> 00:41:04,600 APPLAUSE 813 00:41:04,600 --> 00:41:06,520 Well done, well done! 814 00:41:09,520 --> 00:41:12,920 Is it telling the future? No. 815 00:41:12,920 --> 00:41:15,560 It isn't at all. What they really are, 816 00:41:15,560 --> 00:41:19,120 they're like an extra fifth suit to the pack, is really the idea. 817 00:41:19,120 --> 00:41:21,480 And lots of people want to trace it back to ancient Egypt 818 00:41:21,480 --> 00:41:23,680 and the occult and Kabbalah traditions and so on. 819 00:41:23,680 --> 00:41:26,320 There's no documentary evidence whatsoever to support 820 00:41:26,320 --> 00:41:30,720 the idea of using it for divination until about 1760s in France. 821 00:41:30,720 --> 00:41:33,480 Before that, they're like trumps in a game, 822 00:41:33,480 --> 00:41:36,240 and then they were also used as an aid to creating a story. 823 00:41:36,240 --> 00:41:38,400 And even then, what you think each card means, 824 00:41:38,400 --> 00:41:41,400 it varies tremendously depending on what tradition you follow. 825 00:41:41,400 --> 00:41:46,000 I once had my tarot cards read and I was quite an old virgin. And... 826 00:41:47,680 --> 00:41:49,680 Was that the conclusion of the reading? 827 00:41:49,680 --> 00:41:54,600 No, I was well aware of that. And I got the naked card, 828 00:41:54,600 --> 00:41:57,160 and I got really excited, thinking, "It's going to happen!" 829 00:41:57,160 --> 00:41:59,120 She just kept saying, "It's new beginnings." 830 00:41:59,120 --> 00:42:02,320 It's so frustrating that they don't mean what they look like they mean. 831 00:42:02,320 --> 00:42:05,040 I just wanted one that just had a cock on it. 832 00:42:07,120 --> 00:42:10,120 I've had somebody explain it to me and they say, 833 00:42:10,120 --> 00:42:13,680 "The death card doesn't necessarily mean death, that means a change." 834 00:42:13,680 --> 00:42:15,440 The end of a stage in your life. 835 00:42:15,440 --> 00:42:18,440 You think, OK, you've got a card system, it's the death card, 836 00:42:18,440 --> 00:42:21,680 why do you have to complicate it? You know, that's death. 837 00:42:21,680 --> 00:42:24,960 Because it upsets people. Don't have the card then! 838 00:42:26,400 --> 00:42:28,160 Change it for the "new job" card. 839 00:42:30,120 --> 00:42:33,800 Yes, the new job card and the cock card. That would be better. 840 00:42:33,800 --> 00:42:37,360 "You're going to be moving house some time in the next 12 months." 841 00:42:37,360 --> 00:42:40,280 Which brings us to the final fanfare of the scores. 842 00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:41,960 In first place... 843 00:42:41,960 --> 00:42:45,280 Oh! ..with a sovereign eight, 844 00:42:45,280 --> 00:42:46,600 it's Sarah! 845 00:42:46,600 --> 00:42:48,680 APPLAUSE AND CHEERING 846 00:42:50,960 --> 00:42:52,600 I'm really happy. 847 00:42:52,600 --> 00:42:55,440 In second place, with minus one, it's David! 848 00:42:55,440 --> 00:42:57,400 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 849 00:42:59,920 --> 00:43:02,120 In third place, with minus seven, Colin! 850 00:43:02,120 --> 00:43:03,960 CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 851 00:43:06,280 --> 00:43:10,800 And in fourth place, with a magnificent minus 25, it's Alan! 852 00:43:10,800 --> 00:43:13,440 What?! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE 853 00:43:19,800 --> 00:43:23,000 Which means I have only to thank Sarah, David, Colin and Alan, 854 00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:25,440 and leave you with this queenly quotation - 855 00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:28,480 when Edward VII was asked if his mother, Queen Victoria, 856 00:43:28,480 --> 00:43:30,760 would be happy in heaven, he replied, 857 00:43:30,760 --> 00:43:33,120 "She will have to walk behind the angels, 858 00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:35,560 "and she won't like that." Goodnight.