This programme contains some strong language
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hello and welcome to QI
where tonight we'll be taking a walking tour
of the weird and the wonderful.
Let me welcome, weirdly, the washable Melanie Bracewell.
APPLAUSE
The windproof Roisin Conaty.
APPLAUSE
The well-oiled Patrick Kielty.
APPLAUSE
And our own Mr Whippy, Alan Davies.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Their buzzers are wonderful.
Melanie goes...
# What a wonderful world... #
Roisin goes...
# The wonder of you. #
Patrick goes...
# You look wonderful tonight. #
And Alan goes...
# Wonder Woman! Wonder Woman! #
I love that.
Right now that we've all warmed up,
for question one, let's have a jolly good wink.
OK, so my question is, how does that make you feel if I wink at you?
I felt many things inside when you winked at me, Sandi.
OK. I was mainly thinking
that maybe in uni it wasn't a phase, but, um...
LAUGHTER
No, no, straight away, two points. That's absolutely fine.
Yeah. It depends how long the wink lasts.
A quick wink and you think, "Oh, I'm enjoying that."
But a slow, long wink.
Yeah, you're going to get killed.
A quick wink just sort of says...
It's a sort of like, how you doing?
It's like a kiss on the cheek as opposed to a Frenchie.
It depends who's doing the winking. I mean,
you're winking at me.
Now, that kind of makes me feel
that you might not really be a lesbian.
And... LAUGHTER
OK, I'm doing well on both sides here.
They did a study on this, right.
So, 1999, the researchers approached different strangers,
asked them what time it was, and then thanked them with a wink,
and they interviewed them afterwards.
And strangers usually had positive feelings towards the winker
as long as they were of the opposite sex.
What I liked is, so, 11% thought the researcher fancied them,
6% thought the poor person had something wrong with their eye.
I always think you're getting sort of a bargain at the market.
You just pay full price, but they wink at you
and you feel like I must have got some sort of bargain, some deal.
ALAN: It just means that it's stolen goods.
LAUGHTER Yes.
But how would that work with the time?
So someone goes, "It's 3:30,"
and you think, "They've given me an extra couple of minutes."
LAUGHTER
I didn't realise I was quite a good winker...
..until...and it happens to me quite a lot.
Whenever you walk down the street, there's quite a lot of people
from the other side of the street shouting, "Oi, Kielty...
"..winker!"
I think... I think that's what they're saying.
Yeah. No. Can you show me your wink?
OK. Do you normally wink with the right eye?
The right one is the more...
And then the left one is more...
IMITATES ANNE ROBINSON: You are the weakest link. Goodbye.
OK. See, so people have a dominant and non-dominant eye,
and usually you leave the dominant eye open
and you wink with the other eye.
And two thirds of us are right-eye dominant.
So we went with the left. What about you?
I've got very good winking skills.
To scare my sister as a child,
I'd just go like that.
LAUGHTER
Wow! Your other eye doesn't move!
So I can do... With the winking, you do need to scrunch.
Yeah. The wink has to have the scrunch, like of a...
That means you're not getting killed.
That's just... Paddy was...
Paddy was putting in a bit of a nod. And a scrunch.
What if you do one with a back? If you go...
That honestly looks like a stroke. Yeah. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
And having a stroke
and having a wink can sometimes be the same thing.
But your dominant eye and your dominant hand,
they're often linked together. So if you write with your left,
you probably wink with your right.
A tiny proportion of people cannot wink at all.
Is there anybody in the audience who cannot wink?
There's one person there.
ALAN: What happens when you try?
WOMAN: Look like an idiot.
You look like an idiot. Come and join the panel.
LAUGHTER
So if you can't wink at all,
there may be a problem with your orbicularis oculi muscles.
So that's the bit that helps your eyelids to close.
It doesn't matter in the least.
So that's winking in real life,
but what's the point of the winking emoji?
It kind of depends what comes after the winking emoji.
You know, because if it's winking emoji with thumbs up...
Right. ..that's kind of - see you later.
Yeah. I mean, if it's winking emoji with...
..aubergine emoji after it... LAUGHTER
I was just trying to tell you I was excited
about the moussaka we're going to have later.
LAUGHTER
ROISIN: I think it means it's a joke.
Yeah, it's universally understood,
Latin America, China, as to mean sarcasm.
And apparently it's something young people use
with the older generation because as people become older,
they are less good at detecting sarcasm,
or what's known as decoding non-literal language.
And so it's quite a good idea to go, "I was just kidding."
Do you two, Mel and Roisin,
know what I mean when I talk about mascara face?
Yeah, I know. What is it?
Yeah. You open your mouth. Do you not open your mouth?
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes, absolutely.
How many women open their mouths when they apply mascara?
Yeah. It's just a weird thing.
You're just... You're putting on mascara,
your face is perfectly normal, and you suddenly go...
LAUGHTER Like that.
Lots of people do it, nobody's really sure why.
It's possible that the nerves that control our eye
and our jaw muscles are rooted very close together in the brain,
so that when one fires, the other one goes off.
I always felt like it was the shock
of seeing yourself put things in your eyes.
Your mouth goes, "What are you doing?!"
LAUGHTER
Here's a weird thing. Did you know that our anuses wink?
LAUGHTER No-one saw that coming.
If you had told me a few years ago,
"Melanie, you're going to come on QI
"and Sandi Toksvig is going to ask you if your anus winks."
I don't know if I would have believed it.
Is it to denote sarcasm?
LAUGHTER
I'm doing it. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening.
I've done ten on the bounce. Yes.
It is this making your jaw move, though.
Mascara has appeared on my eyes.
Apparently, when your anal sphincter
is touched, it contracts.
And that is anal winking.
Is anyone else clenching hearing this fact?
LAUGHTER I think I can actually...
There's so many people in this room,
I think I can actually hear anuses winking.
LAUGHTER
Like it's quite... I'm like, "What's that noise?"
Oh, it's everyone trying to wink their anus at the same time.
It's worth paying attention to,
because if you have a weak anal wink,
you can have a spinal injury.
I think if you had a spinal injury,
I don't think you'd be diagnosed by looking at your anus, would it?
I think you'd be going... HE SCREAMS
"I just noticed you're winking there with your arsehole, Mr Davies"
If Alan and I do it at the same time, is it an anal blink?
OK. If you do it at the same time, I'll give you £10.
We're doing it, we're both doing it right now.
We're both doing it right now.
Right, you've got some objects under your desk.
How can they help you survive in the wild?
You've got a pair of trousers. I found a watch.
Patrick, you've got some condoms.
But never mind that, what's his object?
LAUGHTER
This was not on my bingo list for QI.
Sandi, I don't have my condoms.
In my whole life, I've never helped a boy look for condoms.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
See this, darling?
That's a condom. Oh.
LAUGHTER
I was brought up Irish Catholic.
LAUGHTER
Is that a QI branded condom?
I know. Isn't that cute? So exciting.
Am I allowed to open this? Do you want to open it?
Yeah, sure. I was like, you've only got one,
save it! LAUGHTER
That is an impressive one to pull out,
"The QI One."
All of the following tricks, they're in wilderness survival guides, OK?
As we had such a fuss with the condom,
let's start with that. Yes?
How do you think that might be useful?
If you were stuck in the wild? You're on a desert island.
When you say the wild, you mean like a remote forest,
not a night out in Newcastle? No, no.
By yourself, in some remote place
and you find you've got just that condom in your pocket.
How useful would it be?
You could carry water in it.
That is the correct answer.
Wow!
APPLAUSE
That is interesting. That's what I normally do.
LAUGHTER
That sounds like someone who went into the wild,
very optimistic and then went,
"No, no, it's just for water, actually."
Well, darling, you can carry four litres of water.
Oh, my gosh! Oh, my God, he's doing it, OK.
There we go. Yes. So you can carry a lot of water in a condom.
I mean, don't get the lubricated kind.
It's also very good for waterproofing.
You could use it to store tinder or electronics.
Oh, my gosh. Are you going to throw that?
I've got a horrible... I mean, also...
We've a six-year-old and a nine-year-old at home,
so I think we know where this is going, Alan.
Oh, my God, I'm nervous, I'm nervous!
Oh, oh, oh!
APPLAUSE
Oh, it's turning into semen.
LAUGHTER
What else can you do? What else in the wilderness
might you do apart from water?
Is it, um, if you are like,
one of the last people on Earth and you're supposed to...
LAUGHTER
I mean, there's your TikTok, right there.
I don't know why that's...
Sorry, Mel. I'm sorry. Mel. No.
But is it like, if you're one of the last people on Earth
and you need to repopulate,
but the first person you meet is a bit of a munter?
LAUGHTER
No. So they make great firelighters. Oh.
Once set on fire, they should burn for a few minutes. Really?
Hopefully not with friction.
LAUGHTER
Get the water filled one! Get the water filled one!
That's the episode of Cast Away with Tom Hanks we all want to see.
LAUGHTER
Cock's on fire! Cock's on fire!
LAUGHTER
The other thing, of course,
you can use for firelighter in the wilderness is tortilla chips.
They have so much fat in them
that they make very, very good firelighters.
Where do you get them in the wilderness? Well, you got to be...
..lucky enough to have them about your person.
Take your own Doritos. I think that's right.
Let's move on to your one, Alan, a watch.
What might you do in the wilderness to save yourself with a watch?
Well, obviously, the time's very important.
LAUGHTER
Any thought what you might do if you were lost?
You could use it to direct sunlight...
Yes. ..and burn ants.
LAUGHTER
Ah, light a fire like that. Well, you could.
You'd have to take the convex lens cover off
and use it to direct sunlight to create some fire.
You could. OK.
It has to be an analogue watch and not a digital one.
But the main thing that you can do is use it as a compass.
Oh, can you? Yes.
So, if you point the hour hand at the sun in the northern hemisph...
LAUGHTER That's a shame.
Imagine that's the sun right there, darling, OK?
So you point the hour hand at the sun,
and we are in the Northern Hemisphere.
The point between the hour hand and 12:00 roughly faces south.
In the Southern Hemisphere, it roughly faces north.
Oh, wow. Doesn't that depend what time it is?
LAUGHTER
You can use the metal back
as a reflector to try and attract attention.
I still think my idea is best...
..using it to tell what time it is. Just to tell what time.
LAUGHTER
Roisin, what have you got? I've got some trousers.
Trying to save your life with a pair of trousers -
how might I do that? Save my life? Mm.
You could make a hammock out of them... Ooh!
..and then you could be in the trees
while, below you, poisonous snakes and insects were looking up.
"Oh, shit..."
LAUGHTER
"..they've got a trouser hammock."
LAUGHTER
Get the one who knows what the time is!
"Watch out for burning condom arsehole, over there!"
LAUGHTER
"What time are my Doritos turning up?"
LAUGHTER
Imagine that you are on an island.
Say your ship has gone down,
and you want to get to the island in the first place,
the trousers might be very useful. A sail. You make a sail.
Do you inflate it like a life jacket?
That is correct and you get five points. Oh!
Yes, absolutely right. Yes! Perfect!
APPLAUSE
You need to make them wet first of all, right?
Then you need to trap the air.
So swing the waist overhead like that.
Is that man alone?
Or is that somebody else's legs round his neck?
I mean, I wouldn't need these
because, I mean, I'd just blow up my condom.
Yeah, there is that. There is that.
Trap air in the trousers by swinging the waist overhead.
Pop your head through the hole of the two trouser legs,
and it should...
Oh, so you've tied up... Have you ever had that where you've got,
like, togs, and then somehow there's been air in it
and you look like you've got massive testicles.
No-one's had that before? Yes, I've had that.
LAUGHTER
2019, it saved a sailor's life.
His boat's boom knocked him off the boat
off the coast of New Zealand,
and he remembered seeing this thing,
and he floated for four hours in his life jacket trousers
until he was rescued.
So it is a thing.
You said about using it for a hammock.
You can tear it apart, of course, for the fabric.
Mainly if you were saving your life on an island,
you might use it as a tourniquet.
Use one of these as a tourniquet, as well,
by the way, so... Yes.
LAUGHTER
I don't know which bit of your body is that small.
LAUGHTER
If you had a nasty cut on your finger.
Oh. 100% wasn't what I was thinking.
Um...
That's so unsettling to just have that left out on the...
Uh. Ah!
It's really creepy, isn't it?
It's a little stress toy, isn't it?
Argh! Argh! ARGH!
I don't know why I'm wincing.
LAUGHTER
Right, Mel, what about your bubble...? "How stressed are you?"
Oh, my gosh.
Uh, bubble wrap, bubble wrap.
Oh, it's quite just fun to play with, isn't it?
What would you use it for in the wilderness?
OK, bubble wrap.
Is it, if the condom breaks, you can MacGyver another one?
Um... Wow.
Can you imagine using bubble wrap?
That would be just...
Like, in the actual moment of its use, you just hear,
"Bloop, bloop, bloop, bloop!"
Keep you warm. You could wrap up in it.
Is the correct answer. Oh, OK!
APPLAUSE
Yeah.
That's also how they store Alan in between series.
LAUGHTER
So, used to ward off hypothermia - and lots of people do it.
The air ambulance service sometimes wrap patients in bubble wrap
on the way to hospital.
Then they'll be fine if they accidentally drop them.
LAUGHTER Yes, that's a very good point.
Although they have now done scientific studies on this
because I think people presume the trapped air
is going to provide some kind of insulation,
and you might as well put people in a blanket.
Apparently it doesn't make any difference whatsoever, but...
Sorry... That's OK. ..all the people who collect bubble wrap
for the air ambulance. Get them a blanket.
Wrap artists.
GROANS AND SCATTERED LAUGHTER
How dare you! How dare you! APPLAUSE
You're not exactly pulling your weight, you know?
LAUGHTER
If you're heading into the bush, don't forget to bring a condom.
Wow.
I've literally just realised what I said there.
LAUGHTER
Right, describe a normal working day for Aimee the Human Fly.
Woke up, took a shit in the marmalade.
LAUGHTER
Ate the shit in the marmalade.
Flew into the window, hurt my head, went to sleep again.
Does she keep sort of hitting against a window,
and then realising it's the glass ceiling?
Is it that? Oh, no, that's very good. That's very good. Right?
APPLAUSE It's political.
Trying to avoid Dave the Human Spider.
LAUGHTER
So, it was a real person. She was a novelty act.
OK, so, there were special shoes invented
that enabled her to walk on the ceiling. Oh! With suckers?
Well, so, at first nobody knew,
and it was a secret as to how it worked -
but she would walk upside down, up to 90ft in the air.
So there she is, ceiling walker Mademoiselle Aimee,
surnamed the Human Fly.
She was from London,
but apparently sold more tickets as an Australian novelty.
Oh, that's so classic - Australian and she's upside down.
There you go. Yeah, OK.
That's exactly right. LAUGHTER
Anyway, 1887, she's doing her act and she got stuck to the ceiling
because the suction on her shoes proved too strong.
So how did they get her down? It was a real problem.
She was very high up in the theatre. Fly spray.
LAUGHTER
How long was she up there for? Do we know?
She was up there for several hours,
and they couldn't get a ladder to her.
She had to take her shoe off. She took her shoes off.
I mean, it's so simple.
LAUGHTER
She fell into the safety net. Duh! LAUGHTER
I love that you'd be in the audience going,
"Just take your bloody shoes off!"
But you're right, Mel.
They were known as an Antipodean apparatus
because of the idea that you were upside down.
They were invented by an American mechanical engineer
called Walter Hunt, and he tried to keep it secret -
but, I mean, fundamentally not difficult.
Moistened leather suction cups.
LAUGHTER
Moistened leather suction cups?
Can you say that again, please, for TikTok?
Moistened leather suction cups, yeah.
I feel this whole show... Moistened leather suction cups.
Oh, my gosh! I'll say that, and you play with the condom.
Um... LAUGHTER
Are you ready? LAUGHING: "Play with the condom."
Moistened leather suction cups. Whoa!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
This is like pornography for pensioners, isn't it?
Just say "moistened" and they go, "Ooh-hoo!"
That feels like you could make £500 million on OnlyFans
with that clip. Really?
No, I think I've got a good voice for porn.
It's quite kind of... Oh, wow.
And you've got the best hair in the world.
She often says this, Roisin.
Sandi needs to do an advert for her hair.
She needs to tell us how she got it and what she uses.
Isn't it... LAUGHTER
Moistened leather suction cups.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, when you say it, it's just creepy.
LAUGHTER
So, Walter Hunt decided that he would teach people how to do this.
And one of the people who took him up on this offer
was a guy called Richard Sands.
He was an acrobat and a circus owner.
This is him at Drury Lane using the Human Fly shoes.
And then, this is a really sad story.
So, 1861, he was in Massachusetts.
He was at some civic event and somebody said,
"Could you just walk on a regular ceiling?"
So here he is walking on a piece of polished marble, right?
And he went, "Absolutely!"
And the shoes worked perfectly,
but the plaster on the ceiling gave way.
AUDIENCE GASPS Oh! Yeah.
That's a nightmare. That was the end of him, I'm afraid.
He died? Yeah, he did. It killed him, yeah.
Oh, my God!
I thought you meant it was a bad story,
like he was embarrassed on stage. LAUGHING: Oh, no!
No.
And then people asked for their money back. Yeah.
And did they sell the moistened leather suction cups?
LAUGHTER
You can't say it enough, can you? "One previous owner."
Plenty of life in these! Hey-hey!
Got to get them off the ceiling first.
LAUGHTER
He's a really interesting guy. I always love this on QI,
is that you go down a rabbit hole,
and then you find something more and more curious.
This guy, Walter Hunt,
the one who invented the shoes for Aimee the Human Fly...
The killer? The killer, yeah.
He also invented all sorts of things.
He invented an ice-breaking boat, a street sweeper,
a pedal-activated coach alarm.
He invented a tightrope that snaps. Yeah.
LAUGHTER
I have here his most successful invention of all time...
..and it is this.
He is the guy that invented the safety pin.
Wow. Oh, my God. I know.
He also invented a mechanical sewing machine,
but both his wife and daughter were seamstresses and said,
"Please don't put that out there because we'll be put out of work."
And later, sewing machine inventors made millions
and he didn't make any money,
but he'd made one. Oh, no. Yeah.
But, this, we have Walter Hunt to thank.
I just love the fact
that he killed someone falling off the ceiling,
so he decided to put the word "safety"
in the next invention he made. LAUGHTER
You'll be fine with this.
I feel like we're making him the villain.
I feel like the real villain is the plasterer.
The plasterer, yeah. Yeah. Would you like to have a go?
I would have a go if it worked.
I don't think I'm that agile. OK.
And also, I've got a massive head. LAUGHTER
Have you?
I think it's bigger than average. Like, hats are a problem.
Well, you could get a moistened leather suction hat.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I'd pay to see that.
Right, what might you get up to on a Bulgarian pleasure wheel?
Ooh! Oh, my gosh.
What's a Bulgarian pleasure wheel?
Do you wear it or insert it? No. LAUGHTER
So, it used to be another term
for those big wheels that you see at the fairground that people ride on.
What's it... Ferris wheel. Yes, that is right.
They were, of course, invented by... Billy Ferris. ..Peter Ferris.
Peter Ferris. Billy's his brother. No.
Billy Ferris? Billy Ferris. No. Dave Ferris.
Micky Ferris. Pam Ferris. Pam Ferris. No. No, no.
KLAXON BLARES
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Hold on a minute... That's amazing!
..I think they just klaxoned you, then.
I think that was... I think... LAUGHTER
I'm very upset. I think I just lost.
LAUGHTER
You've never been ten points behind ever!
I know. LAUGHTER
This is very upsetting for me.
George Ferris. Oh, Georgie Ferris, yeah.
But, in fact, they've been around for hundreds of years.
And there was a very famous one
in a place called Plovdiv in Bulgaria about 1620,
something like that.
And as a result, until about the 1800s,
they were known as Bulgarian pleasure wheels,
or "Bulgarian ride".
And that was the name for them
in lots of countries around the world.
The very first sighting of one in England,
1728 at the Bartholomew Fair in Smithfield,
where it was called the Ups and Downs.
I don't really like 'em. Don't like 'em? Why?
I don't like when you get stuck at the top,
when it's rocking a little bit and you feel like,
"Well, this could go over. Surely this could..."
Are we still talking about the Ferris wheel?
LAUGHTER
And I think it's a lot.
To call it a pleasure wheel,
I think you need to be getting, like,
a massage, a doughnut. Yeah. It's an endurance wheel, I think.
It's an endurance wheel. You're absolutely right, Alan.
You know what we should call a pleasure wheel,
which I think has a harsh name - a lazy Susan.
That's a pleasure wheel. I love a lazy Susan.
LAUGHING: Yeah?
Many a meal, I've gone round on one of those.
LAUGHTER
Were you wearing moistened leather suction cups?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
How do you think I stayed on?
LAUGHTER
"Faster! Faster! Faster!"
Clinging on to the soy sauce.
George Ferris built a huge one for the 1893
World's Columbian Exposition in Chicago,
but he wasn't even the person to propose it as an idea,
and Ferris later admitted he'd already ridden such
a wheel in Atlantic City -
one that was built by a man called William Somers -
and he called it an observation roundabout.
Why do you think they wanted
a Ferris wheel at the Chicago Exposition?
What else had been built recently that they thought, actually,
let's try and rival that
and show what an amazing engineering feat we can create?
Empire State Building?
No, the Empire State Building is a bit later on.
Statue of Liberty? So, we're going French.
Oh, Eiffel Tower. Eiffel Tower - exactly right.
So, what were they saying?
They were saying that, if you went up in the wheel in Chicago,
you could see the Eiffel Tower in Paris?
LAUGHTER
Well, they did have all sorts of ideas of creating a tower.
The idea was to create a tower - one of the proposals -
that was nine times as high as the Eiffel Tower,
and that it had rails at the top, right,
that sloped gradually downwards for hundreds of miles
and connected this tall tower to distant cities,
which I just think is a fantastic idea.
It, of course, never happened, but I think it's a wonderful idea.
So the idea that you would...
You'd go up into this tower
and then take some kind of toboggan home,
you know, if you lived in Milwaukee.
Or you could just... You could walk down
with the moistened leather suction cups right now.
There are also people who suggested having cars
connected to a very large tower on rubber bands
that could then shoot out and come back again.
Wow. The Ferris wheel suddenly looking quite...
People were insane. LAUGHTER
I like the London Eye. Do you?
I would think it's the best thing in London, actually.
Do you? Why? It's a really good view.
You can see everything. You said, "I hate Ferris wheels."
Yeah! But you love the London Eye.
But why would it be OK to hate Ferris wheels and love the London Eye?
Brexit.
LAUGHTER
It's not a Ferris wheel. Oh. Oh, OK!
Yeah, yeah. It's not a Ferris wheel, it's an observation wheel, OK?
Because the pods are all fixed on the outside of the rim.
On a Ferris wheel, they're fixed into the rim as you go around.
I mean, it's a subtle distinction.
And do you sit with strangers in those little pods?
For a romantic moment, you can book out a whole pod,
which I have done.
But say you just want to be on your own,
can you pretend you're having a romantic moment?
LAUGHTER
Just get in by yourself.
I took my then four-year-old stepdaughter
for the very first time,
and when we got to the very top,
I said, "Are you enjoying the London Eye?"
And she looked out and she went, "Where's it gone?!"
LAUGHTER
OK.
Just before we move on,
we've glossed over your buying out a pod for a romantic encounter.
I want to know what happened.
Reader, I married her. Aw! That's so cute.
Did you propose the wheel? No, she proposed to me in the bath. Um...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Hang on...
..you took a bath on the wheel? I took a bath.
One was built in Earl's Court in 1895,
rather aptly named the Great Wheel.
It was the largest wheel in the world,
the tallest structure in London at the time -
other than, I think, St Paul's Cathedral.
380ft tall. On one occasion,
70 people were stuck in it overnight and they were compensated £5...
Oh, are you OK?
I don't want to be stuck on it overnight!
So, what happened was,
the people who got stuck in it overnight were compensated £5,
which was a HUGE sum of money in 1895.
And so, people rode it even more, hoping it would break.
LAUGHTER
How did they ever wee? Can you open the window?
I'm going to need a wee. I'm up twice a night needing a wee.
You really want to get stuck at the top of the wheel, then, don't you?
You don't want to be at the bottom, like, "Hold it in!"
LAUGHTER
You know the people who live their retirement years on cruise ships
because it's cheaper than living in a flat? Yeah.
Could you get a pod on the London Eye as your retire...
LAUGHTER
Just live in it... Just live in it for the rest of your life,
going round and round.
You've got your bed in there, you've got your TV.
Obviously you've got curtains.
They'd go, "You can't use that one. He lives in that."
LAUGHTER
But maybe, probably if you get struck by lightning,
that would be a shocker, wouldn't it?
Could you get me a pint?
LAUGHTER
These are the sort of conversations you can enjoy
if you're trapped with Alan on the London Eye. I know.
LAUGHTER
OK, moving along.
What are these birds trying to achieve?
Anybody know what the bird is?
It's an American wading bird.
Anybody know? What do you think they're doing?
They're all doing it.
Are they eating or trying to have intercourse?
They're hunting by whirling, is what they do.
It's called a Wilson's phalarope.
Swim round and round on the water in really tight, fast circles,
and what it does, it makes, like, a whirlpool,
and it sucks up insects
and small crustaceans from underneath.
It's so effective that they eat so much,
sometimes they double in size and then can't fly off.
LAUGHTER Aw!
We've all been to that buffet. LAUGHING: Yeah.
It's a one-duck lazy Susan. Yeah, absolutely.
They're very unusual amongst birds in that the females
are more aggressive, and more striking, vibrant colours.
And that is because the females are polyandrous.
So they take multiple male partners,
and their role is to compete and to attract multiple males.
They lay up to four clutches of eggs
per breeding season with different fathers,
and they abandon the eggs as soon as they find another male.
Oh, man, I'd love to see that spin-off of Mamma Mia, wouldn't you?
LAUGHTER
They leave the males to look after the eggs
and to incubate the chicks,
and they just go off and find another partner. Oh, my God.
What do the men do? Look after the babies.
That is good stuff. Yeah. LAUGHTER
I'm keen on a Wilson's phalarope.
Geese also whirl. I don't know if you've ever seen this.
This is one of those amazing things.
So, when they're in flight,
they sometimes spin their whole body around
to fly upside down and keep their heads
the right way up. And what it does is,
it causes their altitude to drop really suddenly.
So if you suddenly wanted to duck out of the way of a predator,
it is called whiffling. But I love that... I mean, it's clever. Mm.
But alternative B is, stop flapping your wings.
LAUGHTER
Yeah. "Oh, I want to descend. Oh, yeah."
LAUGHTER
But it's interesting, the whole thing about whirling.
So, they did a study of gorillas and chimps and orang-utans and so on
in 2023 at Warwick University.
And they do this a lot, right?
They do it round and round and round.
And what they've now decided is,
they're just wanting to get dizzy...
Oh, my gosh. ..and it's a bit like taking a mind-altering substance.
Oh, wow! Kids do that. Yeah.
My kids would get on the swing
and then twist it and twist it and twist it, and then let go.
Oh, they loved that.
Or they'd just go in the living room
and go round and round and round and round and round,
until they fall into the fireplace and crack their heads open.
LAUGHTER
Do you think the monkeys do the same thing
where they spin around
and they get dizzy, and then they text their ex?
Yeah. LAUGHTER
We talked about Bulgarian wheels in the last question.
What was the Dutch whimsy?
Does it involve sticking a finger in a dyke?
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Not... LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Phew!
There used to be frost fairs -
certainly they had them in London, 17th to the 19th century,
when the Thames used to freeze over,
and what they would do is,
they would get a boat - or a sledge or something - and tie it to a pole,
and then they would spin it round and round and round.
And it was called a Dutch whimsy.
Oh! Yeah.
It was a popular ice-based activity.
Sometimes you think,
"Oh, kids have got too much time on the internet,"
and then you see that and you think, "Yeah, they needed the internet."
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Now, what's the most fun you can have with a wok?
LAUGHTER
You can spin in a wok. Yes, kind of. Yeah.
There used to be one in the park. It's like a wok.
You put the kids in it
and then you spin it round and round, and they can't stop it.
LAUGHTER
Their arms and legs are out,
their bum's in it, and they're going round and round, going,
"Argh! Argh! Argh! Argh!"
Yeah, it's a bit like that.
OK, so we are heading in the right direction.
I don't know if this is big enough for my bottom, but...
Oh, you can go down a mountain in it.
Yes! Yes! Yes, you can! Wok racing.
Oh, my gosh. Yes! LAUGHTER
It's a winter sport.
That guy looks like he knows that's a bad idea.
Look at his expression!
Oh, both of those two died, by the way.
LAUGHTER
So it's a proper sport.
There's a world championships and everything.
So, they've got a bit of padding around the edge,
but that is basically just a kitchen-quality Chinese wok.
It started as a joke in 2003.
So, the guy on the right is a German comedian called Stefan Raab,
and he was on a game show called Wanna Bet?
And he quipped that he would do this idea.
There have been 15 world championships since then. Wow!
The most successful wok racer is the guy on the left.
He's a three-time Olympic gold medallist at the luge
and he's called Georg Hackl.
But he is a phenomenal wok racer.
He's got little woks on his feet.
Look, tiny feet woks. Ladles. They're ladles. They're ladles? Yes.
Aw, amazing! LAUGHTER
Individual racers can reach 60 miles an hour. Wow!
And then they also have a four-person wok sled
where they have four woks in a row connected by wood,
and they get up to 75 miles an hour.
Oh, my gosh!
They do it on a proper luge run. Well, of course.
I mean, obviously you would, wouldn't you?
You wouldn't do it down a high street.
No. LAUGHTER
I think they should do the race,
and at the end, it shouldn't end when they get over the line.
They then have to cook a stir fry on it.
LAUGHTER
So, yes... You sit on a stir fry,
and by the time you get to the bottom, that's cooked.
LAUGHTER
Well, let's get on to the cooking, because we've got the wok here.
Does anybody know what is the best way to toss a wok?
You go down... You go down and then up - down and up.
It's a down-and-up motion. OK. But it's... I don't know...
It's not like that. Not like that. It'll go everywhere.
You've got to go up like that. Up like that!
Right, it's really heavy, can I just say?
So, this is a proper professional one.
So have a go, darling.
Because it is really a heavy thing.
WOK THUDS, MELANIE GASPS
LAUGHTER
Oh, God! My anus just winked!
LAUGHTER Oh, my God!
That was so scary.
IMITATING ALIEN: Take me to your leader.
It is heavy, though, isn't it? No, it's not heavy, Sandi.
OK. It's not heavy at all. You just go like that.
You go down, then up, and then it goes.
I'm imagining it, veggies going up... OK.
So, the Cantonese, they have a term called "wok hei",
and it means "the breath of the wok".
About 550 Celsius. It's phenomenally hot.
And if you just left it at that high heat,
these incredibly intense temperatures, it would burn.
So that's why you toss it.
And you cool it down by sticking your arse
in it and going down a snow mountain.
LAUGHTER
Could you use it as a hat? Would that work?
WOK THUDS Oh, fuck.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHING: I love this.
LAUGHTER CONTINUES
I feel you've been as stupid as you can be...
..and then something happens...!
It made so much noise!
It was such a...
It made so much noise! LAUGHTER
LAUGHING: I really hit myself...
I really hit myself quite hard with it.
It's deceptive. It's not as deep as you think.
LAUGHTER
I'm going really slowly now!
# Who do you think you are kidding, Mr Hitler? #
Oh, this is weird.
When you're in it, it echoes your voice.
It's weird. I think we've answered the question
of the most fun thing to do with a wok - is to give it to Alan.
Somebody did a scientific study, the physics of tossing fried rice.
And it's 2.7 times per second
that you're supposed to be doing the tossing.
And two thirds of all professional chefs,
Chinese chefs have chronic shoulder pain.
Yeah.
You all right? I think I'll be all right.
I mean, I might get a lump, you know?
LAUGHTER
ALAN SINGS THEME FROM TWILIGHT ZONE
See, you won't remember any of it.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
I'm getting Sky Sports. I'll talk to you later.
You look like a real old-fashioned photographer.
Oh, yes! With the thing...
MELANIE IMITATES CAMERA SHUTTER
Marilyn! Marilyn! This way, Marilyn!
Can I just say, it's all right for you three,
because you go home after this. I stay here with him. Sorry.
LAUGHTER
We live together in the London Eye.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
And now we wade into the whirligig that we call General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please. What is in this dish?
# Wonder Woman! #
Seaweed.
KLAXON BLARES
They call it seaweed. It isn't seaweed.
Is it the remains of what was in the wok
after you go down the mountain?
Is it cabbage? Well, kale - a kind of cabbage. Spinach, kale?
Spring greens or kale.
Different types of cabbage cut into thin strands.
It's never seaweed? No, it's never seaweed.
What are you telling me here, Sandi?
LAUGHTER
Why do they call it seaweed? So, it was originally an algae,
specifically called tai tiao,
which is kind of like a seaweed.
But in this country,
it is typically kale or spring greens
and salt and sugar and Chinese five spice.
ROISIN: So I could make it? Yes.
PATRICK: So, what are we saying?
Are we saying crispy duck is chicken?
LAUGHTER
All this time?
It seems to be pretty much a British-Chinese invention.
So... I love it. I love it as well. I think it's absolutely fantastic.
The port of Ningbo,
which is on the very eastern part of the Chinese mainland,
there was a dish that was rather similar,
which was peanuts and this algae.
So is the stuff that your sushi is wrapped in seaweed,
or is that something else?
That IS seaweed. Oh, OK. OK, OK.
But there's a lot of stuff
where we eat stuff that we think is very Chinese, and it isn't.
Crispy, aromatic duck with pancakes is another thing.
They don't - they don't have that.
Oh, wow. They have a different menu.
There was a Chinese restaurant that we used to go to a lot.
Downstairs there was karaoke and there were a lot of Chinese people.
And upstairs it was all us eating stuff like that.
And I said, "What are they eating down there?"
She goes, "Chinese menu." I said, "What's on it?"
She said, "I don't want to tell you
"because you would never eat here again."
LAUGHTER
It's prepared in a very different way.
The chef, first of all,
hits himself over the head with a wok.
LAUGHTER
Now, the Benin Bronzes are a group
of sculptures found in museums around the world.
Can you name either the modern-day country of origin,
or the material that most of them are made from?
Are they bronze?
KLAXON BLARES
Well, I'm going to give you... Am I going to give you that?
Because you said, "Are they bronze?"
It was a question, was it not? Yes.
I didn't say the word "bronze". You didn't actually say it.
OK. But you said bronze, Sandi. Another five points off you.
Made from brass and not bronze.
But where are they from, Benin bronzes?
I mean, does it really matter?
They were probably stolen and they're here in London.
LAUGHTER
Sorry. Little Irish joke for you there, folks. Sorry.
I think, Paddy, that's a really good answer because they were,
of course, looted by British colonial troops in 1897.
So I'm going to give you five points for that.
APPLAUSE
Is it Nigeria? Yes.
So, we've got a distinction here
between the Kingdom of Benin and the Republic of Benin.
So there was this kingdom, it starts about 900,
and then goes on to the late 19th century,
when the British bring an end to it.
Then the bit of water around that curve is the Bight of Benin,
and then the Republic of Benin was named after the Bight of Benin.
But it's about 5,000 artworks made by the Edo people of Nigeria,
mostly in the 15th 16th century.
They're extraordinary, and they ought to be where?
In a museum in London. LAUGHTER
No. Nowadays it's very important that antiquities
are spread throughout the United Kingdom, not just...
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
Very London-centric. Thank you. Thank you.
Can I just say, I'm sorry, he's been hit on the head.
Yeah. LAUGHTER
Here's a history question. King Ethelred wasn't...
Someone say it. I'm not saying it.
LAUGHTER
Touching himself?
LAUGHTER
He looks like he's stuck above the top of the wheel,
and he's just sat there for the night.
That hat is definitely a moistened leather suction cup.
He's attached to the ceiling.
That's Alan held with the wok.
Are you wanting "ready"?
Is that what you're wanting? Yes, I think so.
KLAXON BLARES
So, what do we think it means?
He was known as Ethelred the Unready.
What does it mean? It has nothing to do with being ready. OK.
He couldn't read.
No, nothing... He was unREADY. Oh!
Actually, the wok has made him smarter.
I will say that. That was a good guess.
That was good, yeah. He was ill-advised,
is the thing. That's actually what it means. Ah!
He wasn't readied. That's what I say when I'm late.
"I was ill-advised the time!" LAUGHTER
The word "read" meant "counsel" or "advice".
So if you were unread, you had no counsel or you had bad advice.
He ruled England from 978 to 1013,
and then again from 1014 to 1016.
From 980, the Danish Vikings...
I feel I should apologise at this point.
The Danish Vikings regularly raided the English shores,
and his first thing to do was,
he paid the Danes loads of money to stay away, and that didn't work.
Then he tried massacring Danish settlers
and then he lost his throne to Denmark's Sweyn Forkbeard.
Um...
LAUGHTER
We thought it was a perfectly sensible name.
LAUGHTER
He doesn't look very smart. If you're the king,
and then someone shows you that as your painting, and you don't go,
"Are you joking?" Yeah. LAUGHTER
It's not going to go well on a coin, is it? No.
So, it was about 150 years after he died
he was first called "unready".
But it just means bad advice. "Read" is "advice".
So, for example,
Ethelred the Unready translates as Noble Counsel, No Counsel.
So, the "red" in Alfred has the same root.
And so, Alfred means "Elf Counsel".
Another obsolete meaning of the word "unready" is to get naked.
I'd say I'm unready when I'm naked. Not ready at all.
I'm unready. "Unready! Come in!"
LAUGHTER
Whenever I end up naked, I normally say I'm ill-advised.
LAUGHTER
Then you turn away with embarrassment and your arse winks. It's very...
It's awkward.
All of which brings us to the weird and wonderful matter of the scores.
Let's take a look. In last place -
I mean, blinking useless with -21...
..he's got no brains left, it's Alan.
APPLAUSE
ALAN GROANS
In third place,
marginally better than a poke in the eye, with two whole points,
Mel!
APPLAUSE
And in joint first place - nudge, nudge, wink, wink, say no more -
it's Paddy and Roisin!
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
That's it for this edition of QI.
Thanks to Roisin, Patrick, Mel and Alan.
And I leave you with this reflection from the writer Jean Kerr.
"I feel about aeroplanes the way I feel about diets.
"It seems to me they are wonderful things
"for other people to go on."
LAUGHTER Goodnight.
APPLAUSE