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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Hello and welcome to Ql.
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Tonight we're in topsy-turvy turmoil
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as we tackle thrills and spills.
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And here to spill the beans
are the thrilling Nish Kumar...
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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...the titillating Suzi Ruff ell...
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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...the tantalising Mark Steel...
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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...and, tickle my fancy,
it's Alan Davies.
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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
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Right, please keep your hands
and arms inside the vehicle
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at all times as Nish goes...
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SYNTH VOICE: # Down and up and down and
up and down and up and down... # LAUGHTER
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...Suzi goes...
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STEADY POP BEAT PLAYS
# Up. And down Up. And down
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# Up. And down
Up. And down... #
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LAUGHTER
..Mark goes...
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MUSIC: Upside Down by Diana Ross
# I said upside down You're turning me
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# You're giving love
instinctively... #
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LAUGHTER
..Alan goes...
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MUSIC: Dizzy by Tommy Roe
# You're making me dizzy... #
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RETCHING
SPLATTERI NG
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LAUGHTER
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APPLAUSE
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Right, then. Question one.
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LAUGHTER
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Which is the most thrilling
part of a theme park?
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Well, when you don't die, isn't it?
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Yeah. I never die,
as I only ever do the thing
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with the hook and get the duck
with the number on it.
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Is that because you're not
tall enough for the rides?
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Yes.
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I can't imagine why people
are thrilled at all.
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The thrill for me would
just be driving past it.
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We're talking about roller-coasters,
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and your thrill level
over the course of a roller-coaster
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reaches its peak moment
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when you're first strapped
into the seat.
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Oh. So really you could
just get out then. Really?
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Yes, that's the moment.
It's all over at that point.
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It's the thrill of anticipation. It's that
moment when you think... SANDI GASPS
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Have you been on The Big One, Sandi?
I beg your pardon?
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There's a massive one in Blackpool.
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About 20 years ago I was
filming something in Manchester
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and I tried to get some people
to come from the local crew
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and none of them would come. And
that should have told me something.
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It's absolutely terrifying.
Ancl you think you're going to die.
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You're absolutely certain
you're going to die.
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It feels like, well, one clay
there'll be the final ride.
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Yeah. Why not this one?
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You go over it
and the kid next to me
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who's been on it loads of times,
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when we went down
about the fifth bend, he said
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he'd tell me when to smile
and he went, "Now!"
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Ancl we went like that
and then the thing went flash!
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Ancl I've got a keyring of me...
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I've never seen him since,
of course.
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Me and this lad who was about 14,
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going, "Ah!"
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NISH: You have given someone
an anecdote for their entire lives
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that they've been
dining out on since that,
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because there's a 14-year-old boy
who presumably now
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is, like, in his, like, late 20s,
early 30s, who's like,
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"I've got a keyring with me
and Jonathan Creek."
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Either that or he's watching this
now, going,
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"That's the bloke
from the roller-coaster!"
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No, "That's the bloke
from my keyring!"
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"That's weird.
What's he doing on there?!"
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But there's a guy called
Professor Brendan Walker
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at Middle sex University, he's
the world's only thrill engineer,
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and he has done studies about
what people's responses are
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to these huge vertical drops.
So he measures them.
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And the level of excitement
when you're on the ride
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is only ever about 80%
of the peak that you hit
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when you put the seat belt on.
Two things he was looking for
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is looking for level of arousal
and level of pleasure.
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And apparently -
and I think we all know this -
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not always the same thing.
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So they... I'm like that
in a baker's.
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So true, isn't it?
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You just think, "Ooh!"
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You never like a nice slice more
than when you first see it. Yeah.
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Yeah. There's one at
Alton Towers, isn't there,
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where you go along in
a kind of wide sort of car
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and then it stops
and you think, "Oh..."
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There's no track in front of you,
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and then it tips you forward
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and then it hangs you
over a hole. Yeah.
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Oblivion. Oblivion.
Hangs you over a hole. Yeah.
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Ancl if you sit in the cafe,
which is nearby,
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and you can see the thing go and tip
and then you hear...
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ALAN SCREAMS
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So you're having your lunch
and about every three minutes...
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ALAN SCREAMS
just down into the hole.
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Well, this guy who
is the thrill engineer,
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he worked out that
the calorific value expended
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on a roller-coaster ride due to,
you know,
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you've got an increased heart rate
and you're sweating and so on,
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is equivalent to
a single chip shop chip.
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Oh. I was hoping you were
going to say, like,
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a spin class. Yeah...
I could've been like,
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"Let's cut the record.
Let's get to Alton Towers."
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Let's go straight to EuroDisney.
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I remember taking
my children to Disney
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and my four-year-old met Pluto.
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Now, Pluto is played by
a 6ft tall man, OK?
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And there's a mesh... What?!
Well... He's not...?
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Oh. Huh?! It's not a talking dog?
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Well, there's a mesh
where you can see his face.
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He's 6ft tall and he comes over
and he talks to my daughter.
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She pats him like that.
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And then she said as he left,
she said, "That's not a real dog."
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And I said... "How could you tell?"
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She said, "His nose wasn't wet."
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LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
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When I was at school
and Mr Blobby was at his heyday...
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Ah. Those were the days, eh?
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...one of my friends
had a little brother
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and for his birthday his dad
dressed up as Mr Blobby,
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had the mesh thing,
but it was in his mouth,
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and the little boy lost his shit
and was like...
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SUZI GASPS
"Blobby's eaten Dad!"
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A quick supplementary question.
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Why might it be good to go on
a ride with a lot of jerks?
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Ooh. Is it because a bit of
the point, a bit of the seat
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goes up your butt
and that feels nice?
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I'm going to go with
that's a personal fantasy, Nish.
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There are roller-coaster architects,
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and speed is not
necessarily the thing.
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Acceleration is more important,
but it's the changes of speed.
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Cos it makes your heart go...
Yeah, absolutely.
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So if it accelerates and then
suddenly accelerates a bit more,
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that's called a jerk. And that
apparently is the thing
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that makes you
even more kind of...upset.
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I was on the Ghost Train once and it
went wrong, it actually broke down,
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almost as if it was run by
Southern Rail, and...
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Yeah, "There will be a skeleton
replacement service..."
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And...
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Ancl the bloke did come through,
"Yeah, sorry, er...
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SNIFFS "Er, yeah,
you'll all have to get out."
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Ancl we had to just walk through
and push the doors open and then,
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"Who-hoo-hoo!" and all,
just walking through.
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It's not quite the same, is it?
It wasn't quite the same, no.
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I was once on a ghost walk thing
with my clad,
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and there were all these,
there were all these pictures of,
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like, famous serial killers
around this, like, haunted house.
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Ancl then we got to the one
with the guy in the Scream mask,
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and he flinched,
and it wasn't a picture.
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And then the guy
climbed out of the picture frame
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and my clad ran,
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kicked open the emergency exit...
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just like...
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SUZI VOCALISES DOOR BASHING
Like that.
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Ancl we found him in the gift shop.
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Did he not even take you with him?
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No! Gone? just gone?
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Aww... He was like,
"I'm going to start a new life."
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You're always safe in a gift shop.
They never go in the gift shop.
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The best bit of a roller-coaster
is the beginning,
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and it's all downhill from there.
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AUDIENCE GROANS
LAUGHTER
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Describe a really dangerous
trumpet, please.
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Is it going to be
an instrument trumpet
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or is it going to
be a trumpet flower
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or a trumpet frog or something?
Yes. It's a flower.
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Absolutely right. Oh...
A lethal one?
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A lethal flower. Yeah, if you
eat any of it, you're a goner.
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Do you know about this?
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I've heard of them.
They're quite pretty to look at.
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Very pretty.
It's called the Angel's Trumpet.
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It's a flower that's native
to Central and South America.
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Oh, look at it. It's stunning.
Isn't it pretty? It's deadly.
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I mean, it's a beautiful...
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Go out the fire exit, Suze!
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Go to the gift shop!
Run! Run for your life!
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Imagine him at Kew Gardens.
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There is a place in Alnwick
in Northumberland...
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Yep. The Poison Garden in Alnwick.
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The Poison Garden!
Oh, it's a magnificent place.
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And there's this marvellously
sort of officious woman
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who takes you around.
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And she's one of
these sort of guides -
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"Right. Now, assemble here.
Whatever you do,
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don't do anything
unless I tell you to do it
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because if you touch
something and it's poisonous,
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then you'll end up dead and it will
jolly well be your own fault, OK?
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I would recommend it.
Definitely. The Poison Garden.
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Well, so, the owner of
the Poison Garden in Alnwick Castle
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has described this particular flower
as "an amazing aphrodisiac,
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"before it kills you." Wow!
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And there were Victorian women
who would keep Angel's trumpets
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and they would tip a little bit
of the pollen into their tea,
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it would induce a sort
of LSD kind of trip,
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even though it was rather risky.
And those who did take it,
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who died, before they died,
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they possibly succumbed
first of all to sexual excitement,
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then restlessness,
then over talkative,
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then aggressive behaviour,
convulsive sobbing, psychosis,
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intense dream experiences.
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Like Glastonbury, isn't it?
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There's a story about a young man
who amputated his own tongue
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and penis after drinking
just one cup of tea
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infused with Angel's trumpet.
What? Oh...
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Did the tongue,
and not content with that...
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I know! Went for something bigger -
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or presumably bigger.
I wouldn't know.
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Now, why is it a good idea
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to make a pensioner
walk the tightrope?
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To cut state spending.
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APPLAUSE
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New scheme based on the Squid Game.
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And, you know, they've had it easy,
haven't they, for too long?
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But genuinely,
it is a medical thing.
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And why might it be good
for pensioners?
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NISH: Helping their balance?
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So, it's a really good way to detect
early muscle degradation.
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Is the way that you detect it
them falling to their death?
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Yeah, I think.
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Come on, Grandma!
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Yeah, "Oh...
Yeah. Muscle degradation." Yeah.
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God, that's the 15th today!
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If you think about tightrope
walking, so it involves
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much more muscle control,
coordination and strength
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than walking on solid ground,
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so it can reveal potential issues
that ordinary walking can't.
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Now, clearly, what you do is
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you don't do it very high up.
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But by doing this, geriatric
health care professionals
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can check and see whether
they're unsteady in any way.
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In fact, they use a thing
called a force plate.
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It has the same sort of effect
as walking on a tightrope.
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But one of the best things
you can do to ward off dementia,
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00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:13,455
not the top thing,
but one of the things you can do
236
00:11:13,480 --> 00:11:15,695
is to work on your balance.
And so it's recommended that
237
00:11:15,720 --> 00:11:17,895
while you're brushing your teeth,
you stand on one leg
238
00:11:17,920 --> 00:11:20,575
and it just keeps reminding you
to keep your balance at all times.
239
00:11:20,600 --> 00:11:22,975
Does it work with other
circus things, like lion taming?
240
00:11:23,000 --> 00:11:26,335
Yeah, lion taming...
Lion taming, juggling...
241
00:11:26,360 --> 00:11:28,295
But here is a sort of strange thing.
242
00:11:28,320 --> 00:11:31,735
So there is a village
called Tsovkra in Dagestan
243
00:11:31,760 --> 00:11:34,975
and every able-bodied person
in this village
244
00:11:35,000 --> 00:11:36,735
can walk the tightrope.
245
00:11:36,760 --> 00:11:39,215
So that is curious, isn't it?
What? Yeah, every single one.
246
00:11:39,240 --> 00:11:41,135
It's about a 100-year-old tradition
247
00:11:41,160 --> 00:11:43,335
and nobody's really sure
how it started.
248
00:11:43,360 --> 00:11:47,375
It's rumoured that it was a shortcut
so that villagers could
249
00:11:47,400 --> 00:11:50,095
go and court potential lovers
on the other side of a ravine.
250
00:11:50,120 --> 00:11:51,215
Always a motivation.
251
00:11:51,240 --> 00:11:52,495
Yes, that'll do it. Yeah.
252
00:11:52,520 --> 00:11:54,375
"We're going to the other side
of the ravine."
253
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:55,535
"How are we getting there?
254
00:11:55,560 --> 00:11:56,615
Yeah.
255
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:58,415
"Don't worry.
I've got a real horn on,
256
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:00,015
"so I won't need the big stick."
257
00:12:00,040 --> 00:12:02,615
Every single one of
the village's children
258
00:12:02,640 --> 00:12:04,295
study tightrope walking at school.
259
00:12:04,320 --> 00:12:06,535
It's a whole village that
can tightrope walk. What?!
260
00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:08,015
Is it anything to do with altitude?
261
00:12:08,040 --> 00:12:09,855
No, it's just literally
trying to get about.
262
00:12:09,880 --> 00:12:12,095
I think cos they're on top
of a hill, they think,
263
00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,215
"How're we gonna get down
from here? Oh, I know."
264
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:16,055
Haven't they heard
about roly-polys?
265
00:12:16,080 --> 00:12:18,335
There's another village
in Turkmenistan
266
00:12:18,360 --> 00:12:20,455
where they all do roly-polys.
267
00:12:20,480 --> 00:12:22,375
Grade 3... They go to
the next village... Yep?
268
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:23,695
...and there's a bridge.
269
00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:25,055
They're all like, "Oh..."
270
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:29,975
"What do you call that?"
"|t's a bridge!"
271
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:34,055
"Bloody hell.
That's a brilliant idea."
272
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:36,535
Right. Moving on...
273
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:40,775
You've all got beside you
a loo-roll holder like this.
274
00:12:40,800 --> 00:12:42,655
I want you to put it
on your right-hand side,
275
00:12:42,680 --> 00:12:44,455
imagine you're sitting
on the lavatory,
276
00:12:44,480 --> 00:12:47,655
and I want you to tell me which way
do you correctly hang the loo roll?
277
00:12:47,680 --> 00:12:51,615
Do you hang it this way -
very controversial-
278
00:12:51,640 --> 00:12:54,575
or do you hang it...?
So, imagine the wall is here, OK?
279
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,215
Oh... Do you hang it?
NISH: You gotta hang it this way.
280
00:12:57,240 --> 00:12:59,335
Why? Why have you got
to hang it that way?
281
00:12:59,360 --> 00:13:01,175
Just because, like, otherwise
282
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:02,615
you're a godless prick.
283
00:13:04,120 --> 00:13:07,055
APPLAUSE
284
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,215
That'd be a fantastic religion,
Nish.
285
00:13:12,840 --> 00:13:16,455
The only commandment,
"Thou shalt hang the toilet paper
286
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,415
"down from the left-hand side."
287
00:13:20,080 --> 00:13:23,775
So, the toilet-roll holder
was invented by an American engineer
288
00:13:23,800 --> 00:13:26,135
called Seth Wheeler in 1891.
289
00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:29,415
And you can see from his patent
that he has made a decision
290
00:13:29,440 --> 00:13:30,655
and it goes this way.
291
00:13:30,680 --> 00:13:33,335
The truth is, there are advantages
to both ways of doing it.
292
00:13:33,360 --> 00:13:36,615
So if the loose end hangs
in the front, it's easier to grab.
293
00:13:36,640 --> 00:13:41,095
But if you hang it the other way
around, there is less chance of,
294
00:13:41,120 --> 00:13:44,775
I don't know, a child or a cat
or indeed yourself
295
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,615
accidentally unravelling the roll.
296
00:13:46,640 --> 00:13:48,935
I always used to think
it should be at the back,
297
00:13:48,960 --> 00:13:51,055
and then in recent years
I've changed. I've gone front.
298
00:13:51,080 --> 00:13:53,415
You've gone to the front?
Yeah. Well, what you could've done
299
00:13:53,440 --> 00:13:56,895
is you could've installed something
called a Tilt-A-Roll. Oh, yeah?
300
00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,695
A Tilt-A-Roll was invented
in 1999 and the holder swivels,
301
00:13:59,720 --> 00:14:01,935
and you can orientate
the paper as you please.
302
00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:03,415
Wow.
303
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:07,655
I have, I have a toilet-roll butler.
304
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:09,015
Just...
305
00:14:09,040 --> 00:14:11,895
just stands there, and let him
just hand me, you know...
306
00:14:11,920 --> 00:14:14,135
Give you a little sheet.
"From your expression, sir,
307
00:14:14,160 --> 00:14:16,815
"I would say that's four sheets
that you'll be wanting."
308
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:20,815
I've got a doubler with
a magazine rack underneath.
309
00:14:20,840 --> 00:14:23,415
Wow. That's horrible.
That's Jonathan Creek money.
310
00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:24,495
SUZI: Yeah.
311
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:26,735
'90s, innit?
312
00:14:26,760 --> 00:14:27,935
Cha-ching.
313
00:14:27,960 --> 00:14:30,615
People actually think...
I've got a bidet in my house
314
00:14:30,640 --> 00:14:32,495
and people say that you're posh.
315
00:14:32,520 --> 00:14:34,935
Like it's some sort of...
Washing your arse is posh?
316
00:14:34,960 --> 00:14:36,615
...act of social climbing.
317
00:14:37,960 --> 00:14:40,975
Sometimes paper just won't do it.
No!
318
00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:43,695
Won't shift it.
319
00:14:43,720 --> 00:14:45,335
Here he is. Jonathan CRACK.
320
00:14:48,440 --> 00:14:50,255
APPLAUSE
321
00:14:51,760 --> 00:14:53,815
You need some hot, soapy water.
322
00:14:53,840 --> 00:14:56,575
Have you tried those Japanese
toilets that wash your arse for you?
323
00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,975
Oh, my... Oh! That is the greatest
thing that has ever happened to me
324
00:15:00,000 --> 00:15:04,455
in my entire... I saw God the first
time I used ajapanese toilet.
325
00:15:04,480 --> 00:15:06,375
It's... Oh, it's...
326
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:07,455
Oh, God.
327
00:15:07,480 --> 00:15:09,735
Just thinking about it now
is giving me a semi.
328
00:15:09,760 --> 00:15:12,335
Is it powerful? It's basically
calling a drone strike
329
00:15:12,360 --> 00:15:13,375
on your own hole.
330
00:15:14,680 --> 00:15:16,735
So is it like a jet wash
at the garage?
331
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:17,895
Yeah. Yeah.
332
00:15:17,920 --> 00:15:21,175
And you know how much fun they are.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, they are.
333
00:15:21,200 --> 00:15:22,615
Has it got five sort of...
334
00:15:22,640 --> 00:15:24,935
Has it got a cycle of all
the foamy stuff...
335
00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,215
You can do the heat.
336
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:27,575
I'll do the Platinum Supreme.
337
00:15:28,640 --> 00:15:31,535
I want my hubcaps buffed.
338
00:15:31,560 --> 00:15:34,015
SUZI: Wax on, wax off.
That's what happens.
339
00:15:34,040 --> 00:15:36,535
But I still don't understand,
what does it do?
340
00:15:36,560 --> 00:15:39,455
It washes your arse, like, there's
a jet of water that comes out
341
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,375
and you can aim it
and control the temperature
342
00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:42,735
and control the force of it.
343
00:15:42,760 --> 00:15:44,335
Ancl honestly, I...
344
00:15:44,360 --> 00:15:46,295
You could eat dinner
off my arsehole.
345
00:15:48,240 --> 00:15:49,735
Anyway, moving on...
346
00:15:49,760 --> 00:15:53,575
What can you do with 20 tonnes
of unwanted hair trimmings?
347
00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:55,495
Make an awful sandwich.
348
00:15:55,520 --> 00:15:57,015
Make wigs?
349
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,215
Well, it's an astonishing story,
really.
350
00:15:59,240 --> 00:16:01,495
It's used to clean up oil spills.
351
00:16:01,520 --> 00:16:02,975
What? Yeah.
352
00:16:03,000 --> 00:16:05,295
So the idea came from
a hairstylist in Alabama,
353
00:16:05,320 --> 00:16:07,975
a guy called Phil McCrory,
and he was watching the news -
354
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:11,135
I don't know if you can remember
the 1989 Exxon Valdez spill-
355
00:16:11,160 --> 00:16:14,095
and he saw how difficult
it was for volunteers to clean
356
00:16:14,120 --> 00:16:16,695
the fur of otters that
were matted with oil.
357
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:18,295
And he's watching this
and he thought,
358
00:16:18,320 --> 00:16:20,895
if animal fur can trap the oil,
359
00:16:20,920 --> 00:16:23,815
then I wonder if human hair
could do the same.
360
00:16:23,840 --> 00:16:26,215
So what he did is
he conducted an experiment.
361
00:16:26,240 --> 00:16:29,295
He poured oil, motor oil
into his son's paddling pool
362
00:16:29,320 --> 00:16:33,135
and then he stuffed his salon's hair
trimmings into his wife's stockings.
363
00:16:33,160 --> 00:16:36,615
And those things that he made,
these kind of hair booms,
364
00:16:36,640 --> 00:16:40,735
it's still made the same way today
with nylon tights and cable ties.
365
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:43,335
There they are. It's a fantastic way
to clean up oil spills.
366
00:16:43,360 --> 00:16:46,375
It's also a great way to recycle
all the hair cuttings.
367
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:48,295
And in fact, until 2021,
368
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,815
when 550 salons
in the UK and Ireland
369
00:16:50,840 --> 00:16:53,175
signed up to donate spare hair
370
00:16:53,200 --> 00:16:56,135
to oil spills, 99% of the cuttings
went into landfill,
371
00:16:56,160 --> 00:16:58,495
but now the leftover hair
is used to clean up oil.
372
00:16:58,520 --> 00:17:00,695
Do you not think that's so clever?
Incredible. Yeah.
373
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:03,655
It's just brilliant. Now, hair...
Someone wants to applaud.
374
00:17:03,680 --> 00:17:05,175
Is it a hairdresser?
375
00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,895
APPLAUSE
376
00:17:08,920 --> 00:17:10,775
So here's a supplementary question.
377
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:14,735
Hair is so good at taking up the oil
because it's very...
378
00:17:14,760 --> 00:17:16,335
NISH: Hairy.
379
00:17:18,600 --> 00:17:20,495
Oh, no, it's not absorbent, is it?
380
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:22,495
That's... Did you say absorbent?
KLAXON
381
00:17:22,520 --> 00:17:23,695
No. Ooh. AUDIENCE: 00h!
382
00:17:25,320 --> 00:17:27,695
OK, it's not ab-sorbent,
it's ad-sorbent.
383
00:17:27,720 --> 00:17:28,855
Oh, I'm adsorbent.
384
00:17:30,320 --> 00:17:33,575
What it means, rather than sucking
the oil in, it sits on top...
385
00:17:33,600 --> 00:17:35,775
What's the word again?
Adsorbent.
386
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,815
Oh, I said that.
It's just my accent.
387
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:43,055
It sits on top of the hair
and covers the entire surface area,
388
00:17:43,080 --> 00:17:44,695
rather than being sucked
into the hair,
389
00:17:44,720 --> 00:17:45,895
so it doesn't absorb it.
390
00:17:45,920 --> 00:17:48,655
And there's now a charity called
Matter Of Trust
391
00:17:48,680 --> 00:17:51,775
and they co-ordinate donations
of hair and wool
392
00:17:51,800 --> 00:17:53,935
and so on from salons
and pet groomers and farmers.
393
00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:56,095
And they specifically ask
only for head hair.
394
00:17:57,520 --> 00:17:58,775
Gonna put that out there.
395
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:01,735
That's a real shame,
cos I'll be honest with you...
396
00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:04,375
...the hair and face
is just the beginning.
397
00:18:04,400 --> 00:18:05,615
Oh, really?
398
00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:08,695
I could clean up a few oil spills,
if you know what I mean.
399
00:18:08,720 --> 00:18:11,735
Could we keep it on Nish' body
and just sort of...
400
00:18:11,760 --> 00:18:15,135
Grab his feet.
I'm here, everyone! Relax!
401
00:18:15,160 --> 00:18:16,775
Send some hairy people in -
402
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,015
"Swim! Swim!
403
00:18:19,040 --> 00:18:20,855
"Until you can swim no more."
404
00:18:22,400 --> 00:18:23,455
Right.
405
00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,895
You have glasses of water
next to you.
406
00:18:26,920 --> 00:18:29,415
I want you to pop your finger
in your glass of water
407
00:18:29,440 --> 00:18:31,815
and tell me if it feels wet to you.
408
00:18:31,840 --> 00:18:33,575
Uh-oh. Is this going to make me wee?
409
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:36,375
What do you reckon, Mark? Feel wet?
410
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,975
Yeah, it feels wet. Did you say yes?
411
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:40,295
Yeah. What?
KLAXON
412
00:18:43,240 --> 00:18:44,295
Here's the thing.
413
00:18:44,320 --> 00:18:47,895
Human beings can't technically
feel wet at all.
414
00:18:47,920 --> 00:18:50,535
Oh... So if you think you are
detecting wetness on your skin,
415
00:18:50,560 --> 00:18:53,455
what you're actually feeling is
a change in temperature and texture.
416
00:18:53,480 --> 00:18:55,775
Other animals like spiders
and insects and so on,
417
00:18:55,800 --> 00:18:57,935
they have hygro receptors,
so sensors in the skin
418
00:18:57,960 --> 00:19:01,735
that tells you if something is wet
or not. And we don't have that.
419
00:19:01,760 --> 00:19:04,815
If you're blindfolded and you fall
in a swimming pool... Yep?
420
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:06,135
...you'd think...
421
00:19:08,680 --> 00:19:11,495
You'd just think, "Oh, I've landed
in a skip full of rubble."
422
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:15,215
"Oh, my God, it's colder
than I expected,
423
00:19:15,240 --> 00:19:16,935
"and therefore it's wet."
424
00:19:16,960 --> 00:19:18,535
It's a perceptual illusion.
425
00:19:18,560 --> 00:19:21,055
You're exactly right. It's a change
of temperature and touch,
426
00:19:21,080 --> 00:19:22,415
and we have receptors for that.
427
00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:25,495
We just don't have receptors for
saying, "Oh, my goodness, it's wet."
428
00:19:25,520 --> 00:19:27,775
So, you know that thing if you try,
I don't know,
429
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:29,575
to take laundry in
on a chilly evening
430
00:19:29,600 --> 00:19:31,655
and the T-shirt is still damp?
431
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:33,255
Mm-hmm? Yeah. Or is it just cold?
432
00:19:33,280 --> 00:19:35,935
Yes. This is the point.
What about when you wee yourself?
433
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:38,695
I mean, that... That feels wet.
434
00:19:38,720 --> 00:19:39,775
That does feel wet.
435
00:19:39,800 --> 00:19:40,815
No, it feels...
436
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:43,815
It feels warm.
437
00:19:43,840 --> 00:19:45,975
Some skin receptors are
also triggered by menthol,
438
00:19:46,000 --> 00:19:47,255
so the chemical in mint,
439
00:19:47,280 --> 00:19:49,415
and that's why that gives us
an illusion of coldness.
440
00:19:49,440 --> 00:19:51,935
So drinking cold water after
brushing your teeth, for example,
441
00:19:51,960 --> 00:19:54,495
with minty toothpaste. Yeah, that
shower gel with the tea tree in it.
442
00:19:54,520 --> 00:19:55,735
Ooh, yeah. Ooh.
443
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,615
That's like a party
for the body, isn't it?
444
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,495
It really is, but sometimes you use
a little too much, don't you?
445
00:20:01,920 --> 00:20:03,895
Just don't put that in your bidet.
446
00:20:05,080 --> 00:20:06,655
Woo!
447
00:20:06,680 --> 00:20:09,815
Oh, yeah. You could really
ruin someone's Japanese toilet.
448
00:20:10,880 --> 00:20:14,215
Unscrew the top.
Little bit of that in there.
449
00:20:14,240 --> 00:20:15,975
ALAN SCREAMS
450
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:17,055
Nish would love it.
451
00:20:17,080 --> 00:20:18,215
I'd love it. Yeah.
452
00:20:18,240 --> 00:20:19,615
Would that touch God?
453
00:20:22,800 --> 00:20:26,655
You can't feel Wet Wet Wet
in your fingers and your toes.
454
00:20:26,680 --> 00:20:28,175
AUDIENCE GROANS
455
00:20:28,200 --> 00:20:30,455
But you can feel
if Love ls All Around.
456
00:20:32,160 --> 00:20:34,495
How could you make a trapeze
more terrifying?
457
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:36,695
Put loads of those trumpet flowers
underneath it.
458
00:20:36,720 --> 00:20:38,255
That would do it.
459
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:40,295
Wouldn't it?
Or a Japanese toilet?
460
00:20:40,320 --> 00:20:41,575
Yes. Underneath.
461
00:20:41,600 --> 00:20:43,615
So, this is turn of
the 20th century.
462
00:20:43,640 --> 00:20:45,575
We're talking about
a particular stunt.
463
00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:50,375
So you might choose to strap
your trapeze to a hot-air balloon.
464
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,535
What? Yeah.
465
00:20:51,560 --> 00:20:54,615
So the turn of the 20th century,
there were stunt performers,
466
00:20:54,640 --> 00:20:59,495
and they combined ballooning,
trapezing and parachuting
467
00:20:59,520 --> 00:21:01,655
into a single act.
468
00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:02,775
Right?
469
00:21:02,800 --> 00:21:05,815
They did acrobatics on a trapeze
attached to a parachute
470
00:21:05,840 --> 00:21:08,495
hanging from a hot-air balloon
thousands of feet in the air.
471
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,455
Then they'd cut loose
from the balloon,
472
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:13,135
still on the trapeze,
with the parachute attached
473
00:21:13,160 --> 00:21:16,815
and then hopefully it would open
as you came back down to Earth.
474
00:21:16,840 --> 00:21:19,815
Hopefully. Yeah. Well...
Was there a sort of little point
475
00:21:19,840 --> 00:21:22,015
where, as you were falling,
it went...
476
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:24,655
...and if you were really clever,
you did it at the right time,
477
00:21:24,680 --> 00:21:25,935
you ended up on a keyring?
478
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,015
I have to tell you about
this particular stunt.
479
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,495
Fatalities were common.
480
00:21:35,080 --> 00:21:37,015
Not a phrase you want
to hear, is it?
481
00:21:37,040 --> 00:21:38,935
It's the same as being
a stand-up comic.
482
00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:42,135
But I tell you this to introduce you
to a marvellous entertainer
483
00:21:42,160 --> 00:21:44,535
who was called Dolly Shepherd.
She was an amazing woman.
484
00:21:44,560 --> 00:21:47,015
She was carrying out
a double jump in 1908
485
00:21:47,040 --> 00:21:50,775
when her partner
Louie May's parachute failed,
486
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,095
and she was hanging
from a trapeze at 11,000 feet
487
00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,935
and she swung over
to her friend's trapeze,
488
00:21:55,960 --> 00:21:58,695
who was, she was hanging from
the same balloon, and grabbed it
489
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:00,855
and she got Louie
to wrap her legs around her.
490
00:22:00,880 --> 00:22:02,775
And they both descended
on Dolly's parachute.
491
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:05,015
And the heavy landing
paralysed Dolly,
492
00:22:05,040 --> 00:22:06,735
and they said
she would never walk again.
493
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,575
Four months later,
she was back skydiving.
494
00:22:08,600 --> 00:22:11,975
I think it's outrageous
that WE'RE called entertainers,
495
00:22:12,000 --> 00:22:13,815
and that's what they did.
496
00:22:13,840 --> 00:22:15,655
I just think she's
so worth knowing about.
497
00:22:15,680 --> 00:22:18,255
During one jump, she nearly landed
on an express train,
498
00:22:18,280 --> 00:22:20,655
but the driver,
with some forethought,
499
00:22:20,680 --> 00:22:24,575
puffed the steam on his engine
and blew her into a ditch.
500
00:22:24,600 --> 00:22:25,775
J ust... puff!
501
00:22:29,680 --> 00:22:31,455
Was she a cartoon?
502
00:22:31,480 --> 00:22:34,015
Yes, she does sound
like the Road Runner.
503
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:36,735
Yeah, yeah. There was another one
where she used to run
504
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:38,855
off the edge of a cliff
and dangle her...
505
00:22:40,160 --> 00:22:43,295
And she lived to the age of 96,
died in 1983,
506
00:22:43,320 --> 00:22:46,215
and flew with the famous
Red Devils Parachute Troop
507
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:47,975
to celebrate her 90th birthday.
508
00:22:48,000 --> 00:22:50,575
Oh, wow! I just love that.
I know. It's just so wonderful.
509
00:22:50,600 --> 00:22:53,255
We should pay tribute to her.
Right, after that thrilling ride,
510
00:22:53,280 --> 00:22:55,455
we're crashing back down to
terra firm a with a round
511
00:22:55,480 --> 00:22:57,655
of General Ignorance.
Fingers on buzzers, please.
512
00:22:57,680 --> 00:23:01,895
What do the Germans call those big
mugs of beer that they drink from?
513
00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:03,975
SYNTH VOICE: # Down. Up and down. #
514
00:23:04,000 --> 00:23:05,175
Is it a Stein?
515
00:23:05,200 --> 00:23:07,335
KLAXON
Yeah.
516
00:23:10,560 --> 00:23:12,655
If you asked a German shopkeeper
for a Stein,
517
00:23:12,680 --> 00:23:13,975
they wouldn't really know.
518
00:23:14,000 --> 00:23:16,095
It's what the English call
the German beer mugs.
519
00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:18,215
It is not what the Germans call it.
Oh. Oh.
520
00:23:18,240 --> 00:23:19,695
They call it Humpen, or Krug.
521
00:23:19,720 --> 00:23:20,975
Easy for you to say.
522
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:22,015
Yeah.
523
00:23:22,040 --> 00:23:23,815
So Stein means stone, basically,
524
00:23:23,840 --> 00:23:25,935
and it's the ceramic ware
that the stuff is made of.
525
00:23:25,960 --> 00:23:27,495
But it's not what they call it.
526
00:23:27,520 --> 00:23:30,375
But a Humpen or a Krug is made
from all sorts of materials.
527
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:32,415
But it has a handle
and sometimes a lid.
528
00:23:32,440 --> 00:23:35,055
You don't have to be Ein-stein
529
00:23:35,080 --> 00:23:38,655
to know Germans don't call a
beer mug... AUDIENCE GROANS
530
00:23:38,680 --> 00:23:41,135
Don't listen to them, Sandi.
I thought it was very good.
531
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:43,495
I... You lot. Next time, Pointless.
532
00:23:43,520 --> 00:23:44,975
That's where you...
533
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:47,855
If you're not appreciating this...
534
00:23:49,200 --> 00:23:52,055
APPLAUSE
535
00:23:53,040 --> 00:23:54,895
You don't have to be Einstein
to know Germans
536
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:57,695
don't call a beer mug ein Stein.
537
00:23:57,720 --> 00:24:00,655
20 points if you can tell me
the country
538
00:24:00,680 --> 00:24:03,855
where snowboarding was invented.
539
00:24:03,880 --> 00:24:06,375
Oh, well, it's going
to be some wacky shit
540
00:24:06,400 --> 00:24:08,255
because that's,
this show just loves a,
541
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,855
"Ooh, here's the obvious answer."
542
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:11,895
IMITATES KLAXON
543
00:24:14,360 --> 00:24:16,015
So I'll say Egypt-
544
00:24:18,640 --> 00:24:21,815
APPLAUSE
545
00:24:21,840 --> 00:24:23,975
Yeah. Down the Pyramids.
546
00:24:24,000 --> 00:24:27,175
No, it's a particular village
in Turkey.
547
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:28,695
It is... What? Turkey?
548
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:30,335
Yeah. Mesekoy, it's called.
549
00:24:30,360 --> 00:24:32,215
And it's in the Kachar mountains.
550
00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:34,135
OK? There it is on the map.
551
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:36,295
So, this village
used to be called Petran.
552
00:24:36,320 --> 00:24:39,135
And the story goes that there was
a boy who was given the job
553
00:24:39,160 --> 00:24:41,215
of cleaning his father's prayer mat
554
00:24:41,240 --> 00:24:44,055
and he realised that if you placed
the mat on a snowy slope,
555
00:24:44,080 --> 00:24:47,295
he could glide, and a hobby took off
in this particular village.
556
00:24:47,320 --> 00:24:50,135
What? The problem was he crashed
into a bloke on a tightrope.
557
00:24:52,400 --> 00:24:54,735
But the Petran board has got
a string on the front to help
558
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:56,975
with steering and balance
and they'd mould the wood
559
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:58,295
using the steam from a kettle
560
00:24:58,320 --> 00:25:00,135
and then they'd put cow fat
on the bottom.
561
00:25:00,160 --> 00:25:01,695
And apparently it's fantastic.
562
00:25:01,720 --> 00:25:03,535
The only thing is
it's sort of dying out
563
00:25:03,560 --> 00:25:05,975
because the kids of the village now
don't think it's cool.
564
00:25:06,000 --> 00:25:07,775
Wow. They're not really
doing it any more.
565
00:25:07,800 --> 00:25:09,455
It's SNOW joke...
566
00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:12,455
AUDIENCE GROANS
LAUGHTER
567
00:25:15,360 --> 00:25:18,215
Snowboarding was originally
a Turkish delight.
568
00:25:18,240 --> 00:25:19,255
Er...
569
00:25:19,280 --> 00:25:21,495
AUDIENCE GROANS
570
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:23,935
No, no, you're trying
to build up your part now.
571
00:25:26,480 --> 00:25:27,535
OK.
572
00:25:27,560 --> 00:25:30,255
When did almond milk
become so bloody popular?
573
00:25:30,280 --> 00:25:32,295
When we found their nipples.
574
00:25:34,320 --> 00:25:37,255
APPLAUSE
575
00:25:39,680 --> 00:25:44,535
Oh, it's either going to be 2015,
or the year 2000 BC.
576
00:25:44,560 --> 00:25:46,655
Which are we going to go for?
577
00:25:46,680 --> 00:25:49,095
Is it a recent thing
or is it an old thing?
578
00:25:49,120 --> 00:25:52,135
Really old. It is really old.
It's gonna be really old. Well old.
579
00:25:52,160 --> 00:25:54,655
We have been replacing dairy
with almond milk
580
00:25:54,680 --> 00:25:57,295
since at least the 12th century.
What?! I was going to say that.
581
00:25:57,320 --> 00:25:58,855
12th century, would've been my
guess.
582
00:25:58,880 --> 00:26:00,375
At least the 12th century. Yeah...
583
00:26:00,400 --> 00:26:04,695
Aww... Some poor sod,
when it first happened.
584
00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:06,135
"Cor, a cup of tea, please,"
585
00:26:06,160 --> 00:26:07,695
in 1183. Yeah.
586
00:26:07,720 --> 00:26:09,695
"What sort of milk do you want?"
587
00:26:09,720 --> 00:26:11,135
"Oh, I don't know."
588
00:26:11,160 --> 00:26:12,615
"Well, do you want coconut milk?
589
00:26:12,640 --> 00:26:13,655
"Sheep milk?
590
00:26:13,680 --> 00:26:15,055
"Ewe milk? Iguana milk.
591
00:26:15,080 --> 00:26:17,815
"Llama milk.
"Milk expressed by Sandra,
592
00:26:17,840 --> 00:26:20,175
"who sits in the back office
squirting it..."
593
00:26:26,360 --> 00:26:29,855
You have full fat in the morning,
semi-skimmed in the afternoon.
594
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:33,415
Milk! Milk!
595
00:26:33,440 --> 00:26:35,735
But it's the 12th century now.
We've got this.
596
00:26:35,760 --> 00:26:38,135
Well, here's the thing.
There are food historians who say
597
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:39,935
it was the single most important
ingredient
598
00:26:39,960 --> 00:26:41,295
in medieval European cookery.
599
00:26:41,320 --> 00:26:43,815
So one of the reasons for it
is that cow's milk,
600
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:45,455
often very unappetizing.
601
00:26:45,480 --> 00:26:47,575
You have to imagine,
it's pre-pasteurization days
602
00:26:47,600 --> 00:26:49,975
and apparently
you could pull strings of bacteria
603
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:51,855
and clumps of earth from your glass,
604
00:26:51,880 --> 00:26:54,775
and you couldn't eat animal products
on various fast days.
605
00:26:54,800 --> 00:26:56,615
So almond milk, absolutely perfect.
606
00:26:56,640 --> 00:27:00,215
And almonds, of course,
the world's oldest domesticated tree.
607
00:27:00,240 --> 00:27:03,095
We think human beings started
cultivating them to eat
608
00:27:03,120 --> 00:27:05,655
somewhere around 9000 BC.
I mean, it's amazing.
609
00:27:05,680 --> 00:27:07,735
That's what I thought, 9000 BC. Yep.
610
00:27:08,800 --> 00:27:10,135
I should have asked you first.
611
00:27:10,160 --> 00:27:14,255
Can I just say, if you see almonds
in the wild, do not eat them.
612
00:27:14,280 --> 00:27:15,775
They're bitter and toxic.
613
00:27:15,800 --> 00:27:18,415
There's enough cyanide in them
to kill a child.
614
00:27:18,440 --> 00:27:20,415
I mean, don't do that either.
Don't, don't...
615
00:27:22,840 --> 00:27:25,535
There's cyanide in apple pips.
616
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:29,295
Yeah. The Poison Garden woman,
this was part of her...
617
00:27:29,320 --> 00:27:30,775
Part of her thing.
618
00:27:30,800 --> 00:27:32,695
She said, "Look at that,
look at that, apples.
619
00:27:32,720 --> 00:27:35,215
"They look innocent enough,
don't you? But just a few pips
620
00:27:35,240 --> 00:27:37,175
"and that could absolutely
wipe someone out.
621
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,615
"How many pips do you think you
would need to give somebody
622
00:27:39,640 --> 00:27:40,975
"enough cyanide to kill them?"
623
00:27:41,000 --> 00:27:44,375
And a woman put up her hand
and went, "I reckon it's 50."
624
00:27:44,400 --> 00:27:46,455
And she said, "You know,
you're absolutely right.
625
00:27:46,480 --> 00:27:48,255
"How did you know that?"
And she said,
626
00:27:48,280 --> 00:27:50,775
"Well, I tried 49 on me husband
and it didn't quite work."
627
00:27:58,640 --> 00:28:00,295
All of which ancient nuttiness
628
00:28:00,320 --> 00:28:02,215
brings us to the real kernel
of the show.
629
00:28:02,240 --> 00:28:03,935
It's time to reveal the scores.
630
00:28:03,960 --> 00:28:05,215
Ooh.
631
00:28:05,240 --> 00:28:07,295
Thrashing the competition
632
00:28:07,320 --> 00:28:09,215
with -2...
633
00:28:09,240 --> 00:28:11,255
...today's winner is Mark!
634
00:28:11,280 --> 00:28:14,015
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Winner?
635
00:28:16,800 --> 00:28:18,895
Try being in second place with -5,
636
00:28:18,920 --> 00:28:20,375
Suzi!
637
00:28:20,400 --> 00:28:23,415
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
638
00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:26,175
In third place with -15 -
639
00:28:26,200 --> 00:28:27,495
and this has surprised me -
640
00:28:27,520 --> 00:28:28,575
it's Nish!
641
00:28:28,600 --> 00:28:30,935
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
642
00:28:34,240 --> 00:28:35,655
Which means in last place,
643
00:28:35,680 --> 00:28:38,215
crying over spilled almond milk,
644
00:28:38,240 --> 00:28:40,015
with -17, it's Alan!
645
00:28:40,040 --> 00:28:43,215
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
646
00:28:48,400 --> 00:28:50,975
And it's thanks to
Nish, Mark, Suzi and Alan,
647
00:28:51,000 --> 00:28:53,575
and I leave you with this
from Irish thriller writer
648
00:28:53,600 --> 00:28:55,815
and former Marine Victor O'Reilly.
649
00:28:55,840 --> 00:28:57,975
"If at first you don't succeed,
650
00:28:58,000 --> 00:29:01,095
"well, so much for skydiving."
Goodnight.
651
00:29:01,120 --> 00:29:05,415
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE