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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Good evening and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we are testing,
testing, testing.

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Now, let's meet our troop of
truants.

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The smar-test - Maisie Adam.

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APPLAUSE

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Me? Smartest?

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The brigh-test - Susan Calman.

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APPLAUSE
Shut up. No. Come on. Come on.

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The swee-test - Josh Widdicombe.

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APPLAUSE

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And sitting a bad exam-ple -
Alan Davies.

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APPLAUSE

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So let's get straight back
to school. Maisie goes...

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# Remember the days
of the old school yard?

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# We used to laugh a lot. #
That is the best thing.

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I think that's my internal
monologue. Did you enjoy that?

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Susan goes...

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# Up in the morning
and out to school

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# The teacher is teachin'
the golden rule. #

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Josh goes...

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# School's out for summer! #

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It's pretty on-brand. Alan goes...

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PLASTIC RULER TWANGS

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"I suppose you think
that's funny, Davies."

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LAUGHTER

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Now let's test the waters
with question one.

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What does Fat Kathy
use her muscles for?

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It's a provocative question,
and I would suggest that Fat Kathy

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probably uses her muscles as I do,
cos I've started deadlifting.

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What is deadlifting?
Picking up dead people.

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I very much enjoy World's Strongest
Man, which I'm sure many people do.

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In what way do you enjoy him?

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LAUGHTER

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I like watching World's Strongest
Man because it's full of very

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masculine men. I know I'm a lesbian,

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I can still appreciate.

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So I decided to start deadlifting

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so that I have the strength
for fighting the patriarchy.

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So that's what I'm doing.

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And if Fat Kathy, which I'm assuming
that is not a person...?

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I mean, it was a long way
round to get there.

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LAUGHTER

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I think it's very important
I say at this stage, Sandi,

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and I'm going to apologise... Yeah.

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..I have entered a special stage
in a woman's life

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that's called perimenopausal.

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Isn't peri some kind of chicken
preparation?

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Yeah, that's peri-peri. Oh,
peri-peri. It's not on the scale.

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It isn't lemon and herb,
perimenopause... Mango and lime.

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Do you know, I wish to God
it was peri-perimenopausal,

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that'd be a lot more fun...
You'd be like,

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"Am I getting hot flushes
or is it spicy? I can't tell."

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So you're guessing it's not
a person? You're quite correct.

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It is a machine? It is
a kind of machine. Machine? Yes.

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Fat machine.
Well, so it's a waterworks in Warsaw

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and they use eight mussels
hooked up to a computer

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to detect toxic pollution
in the water supply.

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It's a type of bio monitoring.
It's like... I guess it's like

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a modern version of the canary
in the coal mine. Right.

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So mussels are filter feeders,
right?

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They let water pass through their
open mouths and they filter out,

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you know, the plankton and the
tiny plants that they want to eat.

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Each one of the mussels in Warsaw
has a coil...

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A mussel?! A mussel. Yeah, mussel...
Oh, I'm so sorry...!

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To be honest, it took me a while.
I thought you meant a muscle-muscle.

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No. Yes. Mussel! No, mussel! Mussel!

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Oh, Sandy, you have got
your thickest panel ever.

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That is saying something.

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Honestly, like being present
at the birth of speech.

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It's an ocean creature, OK?

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I would've been better off with
three clams going, "Is it a mussel?"

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So what's the bit on top?

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Like, the Walnut Whip bit?

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That's glue. And when you say glue,
you mean glue,

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it's not going to turn out to be
a sea creature called glue...?

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It has a coil and a magnet
glued to its shell.

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So they close down, basically, if
there's any pollutants detected, OK?

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So if half of them close down,

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they stop the water supply in order
to stop any potential contamination.

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Fat Kathy, it's named, actually,

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after a rather rotund
18th-century well

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in the Polish capital,
has been in operation since 1994.

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So have I.

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LAUGHTER

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Let's glue a spring to her head.

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Is that when you were born, 1994?
Yeah. When? '94.

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Sorry, I couldn't hear you,
I'm so old. When?!

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1994?! Yeah.

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'90...? Yes, darling. '94. 94?!

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Are you all right, Susan?

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So you don't remember...1993.

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LAUGHTER

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What a Cup Final.

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So do you ever remember
not having, like, mobile phones

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and stuff like that?
Yeah, it was the '90s.

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I wasn't born, like,
just before the pandemic.

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I don't think we should
have a go at you.

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It's not an evening with Age UK,
you're absolutely fine. Yeah.

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I know there's a reputation for QI
on BBC TWO, but to get Maisie on

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and treat her like she's an alien
from a different planet

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when she was born in the '90s...

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No, it's... I'm...
I'm really pleased for her.

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LAUGHTER

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Well done, dear.

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So there are about
50 waterworks in Poland,

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but the head brewer
at Timothy Taylor's,

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which is in West Yorkshire, he used
to count out exactly 100 grains

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of the batch of barley that they
were planning to use for the beer

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and leave them out on top of a cask
in the brewery yard.

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And if nearly all of the grains were
eaten by pigeons, that meant it must

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be a good batch and therefore
it was perfectly OK to use.

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That is the most Yorkshire thing
I've ever heard.

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"I'm only counting out 100
cos I'm not made of money."

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We deserve the stereotypes
we get about us.

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I love Yorkshire. Last time
I was in Yorkshire, I cried

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I was so happy. Are you sure
it wasn't the peri-perimenopause?

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Why were you so happy? Well,
cos it... You know the way people

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are really nice
and you're suddenly overwhelmed?

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I've been menopausal for a while!

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LAUGHTER

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Why were the Middle Ages
such a trying time for animals?

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Well, as Susan's just said,

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the Middle Ages
are a hard time for anybody.

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OOHING AND LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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Susan. Susan, don't cry.
Don't cry. Don't cry.

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She's going to cry. Susan's going
to cry. I'm sorry, I take it back,

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Susan, I take it back. I've only
got... The beautiful moors...

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Yeah. ..rising up as they
do above Sheffield.

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Think of the clogs and the Hovis.

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LAUGHTER

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The famously kind Yorkshire people!

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LAUGHTER

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Could they be put on trial, Sandi,
the animals in the Middle Ages?

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That is entirely correct! Oh!

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CHEERING

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Go on, Alan!

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You're a lawyer, or
you were a lawyer...

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The sad thing is,
that's the one thing I did know. Aw!

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But there was something that

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happened that slightly knocked
you off your game, wasn't there?

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I was thinking about Halifax!

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Yes, I remember learning about this
in my law degree. Yes,

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this is a question, indeed,
about animals being put on trial.

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So, in 1545, there was a group
of winemakers in a town

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near Saint-Julien,
so in the southeast of France,

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and they brought a prosecution
against an infestation of weevils -

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which are a kind of very,
very small beetle -

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ravaging their vineyards, requiring
them to be excommunicated.

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Oh! Oh!
Yeah. The case went to trial.

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It was argued that the weevils
had as much right as man

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to the fruits of God's Earth.
And the court found some merit

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in this argument,
and they decided that they needed

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a stringent programme
of public prayer and penitence

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for the local populace.
And that seemed to do the trick

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because the weevils went away
for 42 years.

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But when they returned, the dispute
was revived and the mayor

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offered a compromise. He said,

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"I'll tell you what, we'll give the
weevils a plot of land to live on,

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"on condition they never
return to the vineyards."

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The thing is, we don't know
what happened in the end

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because the last two pages
of the court documents... Oh, no.

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Had been eaten by weevils? Yes!

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Oh, my God!

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Wow. That's no accident.

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"Just eat the conclusion.
Just eat the conclusion.

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"We'll just eat the conclusion."

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But also, weevils only live
two to three months. I don't know

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how anybody thought they'd see the
case through. But basically,

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God's creatures, humans and animals,

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were held to the same moral
standards.

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Pigs were frequently tried
for killing or maiming,

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including one who killed a child,
even though it was a Friday.

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Oh, what? The picture here
is a famous French trial.

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It was in 1457. The sow was
convicted of murder and hanged.

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It's crying! The pig's crying!
Yeah, pig's crying.

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I think they've got the face
of the pig quite well.

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But the person on the far left...

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LAUGHTER

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What's going through that mind?

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There's also one at the back
on the right, darling.

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Seems to have a tongue out
and cotton wool in his ears.

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What is that about?

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Anyway, the sow was convicted
of murder and hanged.

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The piglets were let off
because of lack of evidence.

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Just saying. They hung a pig?!
They hung a pig, yeah.

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Oh, my word!
They didn't grill it?!

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LAUGHTER

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How do you hang a pig?

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This show has gone downhill
when you're asking that question.

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"How do you hang a pig?" Well,
Maisie, we've all got pigs

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under our desks,
so if we get them out...

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00:10:05,759 --> 00:10:10,559
Now, what smells like a cucumber
but doesn't look like one?

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SUSAN: My feet.

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Seriously, you have
cucumber-smelling feet? Yes.

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I believe my feet are probably,
potentially the most attractive part

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of me. I mean, they're gorgeous.
I'll tell you what...

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Hoo-hoo! They are lovely.

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Susan, you want to be careful
saying this on the show,

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people will message you, asking for
pictures of your feet?

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Do you know something?
Here's a real thing.

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There's an internet site where
people can look at, like, perv over

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pictures of celebrities' feet.

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Seriously? And my feet are on that.
Shut up! What-What's...?

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LAUGHTER

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00:10:42,279 --> 00:10:44,679
And I know that because I've got
a tattoo on my foot.

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It says "I love Grimsby",
so I know that's my feet.

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Your feet have a tattoo
that says "I love Grimsby"

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and you're saying they're the best
bit of your body? Yes!

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ALAN: You should see her other
tattoos.

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LAUGHTER

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No. They're size four, they're
really attractive. Size four?!

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00:11:02,599 --> 00:11:06,039
What...what font size
is this tattoo?!

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00:11:06,039 --> 00:11:08,079
LAUGHTER

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00:11:08,079 --> 00:11:10,839
I'll tell you something. I'm
actually not a size four, Maisie,

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I'm actually a size three.

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But if I wear a size three,
my trousers go over my shoes

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and it looks like I have no feet!

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00:11:20,479 --> 00:11:24,559
So I wear bigger shoes...
Clown shoes.

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LAUGHTER
Can I just say, I feel...

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00:11:28,279 --> 00:11:31,959
..I feel the room is going to begin
to demand to see Susan's feet.

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LAUGHTER

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00:11:33,479 --> 00:11:37,759
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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00:11:37,759 --> 00:11:43,799
ALL: Susan's feet! Susan's feet!
Susan's feet! Susan's feet!

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00:11:43,799 --> 00:11:47,039
CHEERING

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I seriously thought you were
just talking bollocks. No.

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My point was,
my feet are beautiful!

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I take care of them and I rub
cucumber moisturiser in them!

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00:12:02,439 --> 00:12:06,199
So that's why my feet smell of
cucumber! There was a point!

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00:12:06,199 --> 00:12:09,439
I didn't just come here
to show you my feet!

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APPLAUSE

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00:12:13,399 --> 00:12:15,279
They're fabulous. Right, so,

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cucumber is one of 16 things

236
00:12:19,199 --> 00:12:24,279
that you do not want your olive oil
to smell like.

237
00:12:24,279 --> 00:12:27,279
You shouldn't be having
your olive oil like that.

238
00:12:27,279 --> 00:12:29,839
LAUGHTER

239
00:12:29,839 --> 00:12:32,879
They taste-test the virginity
of olive oil

240
00:12:32,879 --> 00:12:36,279
against a list of 16
negative flavours or aromas

241
00:12:36,279 --> 00:12:38,879
and three positive ones.
So, positive things - it's fruity,

242
00:12:38,879 --> 00:12:42,079
it's pungent, it's bitter.
Negative traits - whiny...

243
00:12:42,079 --> 00:12:44,719
You know that thing? Whiny...

244
00:12:44,719 --> 00:12:46,599
LAUGHTER

245
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,479
One of the things you don't want,
as well, is if your oil

246
00:12:49,479 --> 00:12:52,839
smells of cucumber, it means
it's been stored for too long

247
00:12:52,839 --> 00:12:55,039
in an airtight container.

248
00:12:55,039 --> 00:12:59,399
So, olive oil adulteration,
it's a huge issue around the world.

249
00:12:59,399 --> 00:13:01,999
There's an agromafia,
an agricultural mafia,

250
00:13:01,999 --> 00:13:04,519
and they push inferior products.

251
00:13:04,519 --> 00:13:07,359
And it is estimated that
80% of Italian olive oil

252
00:13:07,359 --> 00:13:11,439
sold around the world is faked
in some way or other. I know!

253
00:13:11,439 --> 00:13:15,879
80%?! 80%. So they mislabel virgin
as extra virgin, for example.

254
00:13:15,879 --> 00:13:20,079
What's the best way to avoid
buying dodgy olive oil?

255
00:13:20,079 --> 00:13:21,519
Rapeseed oil.

256
00:13:21,519 --> 00:13:23,999
LAUGHTER

257
00:13:23,999 --> 00:13:28,439
From England. Just generally,
or to rub on yourself,

258
00:13:28,439 --> 00:13:29,999
or what are we suggesting with it?

259
00:13:29,999 --> 00:13:33,519
Alan could oil himself up
and send me a photograph.

260
00:13:33,519 --> 00:13:35,759
LAUGHTER

261
00:13:35,759 --> 00:13:38,319
APPLAUSE

262
00:13:38,319 --> 00:13:42,279
What is happening?!
I don't know, Maisie.

263
00:13:42,279 --> 00:13:46,719
And you're so young.
I never thought I'd say this,

264
00:13:46,719 --> 00:13:49,519
but the fact Susan's looked
right through me is so hurtful.

265
00:13:49,519 --> 00:13:52,399
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

266
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:57,199
Other plans for you. She's going to
deadlift you in a minute.

267
00:13:57,199 --> 00:14:00,039
Right. You've got a little, tiny
speaker beside you. Please...

268
00:14:00,039 --> 00:14:02,999
That's a very rude way
to refer to Susan, isn't it?

269
00:14:02,999 --> 00:14:07,039
LAUGHTER

270
00:14:07,039 --> 00:14:10,039
Do you know what?
I'm just so hurt that you haven't...

271
00:14:10,039 --> 00:14:14,559
I've been working out! Yeah.
You know when you're at school

272
00:14:14,559 --> 00:14:17,599
and you ignore the person
you fancy the most? Oh!

273
00:14:17,599 --> 00:14:20,639
Have you thought maybe
that might be what's happening?

274
00:14:20,639 --> 00:14:22,239
Oh!

275
00:14:22,239 --> 00:14:24,879
This is the most erotic QI...

276
00:14:26,359 --> 00:14:30,839
I feel like I've walked in on,
frankly, two sets of parents.

277
00:14:30,839 --> 00:14:33,679
LAUGHTER

278
00:14:33,679 --> 00:14:36,079
Right, so you've got
a little speaker beside you.

279
00:14:36,079 --> 00:14:37,879
I want you to hold it up to your ear

280
00:14:37,879 --> 00:14:41,759
and tell me what tune
is coming from inside.

281
00:14:41,759 --> 00:14:43,559
So, can you hear anything?

282
00:14:43,559 --> 00:14:47,279
No. No. No, it's a trick test.

283
00:14:47,279 --> 00:14:50,879
What we're looking for in the test
is which ear you put the speaker to

284
00:14:50,879 --> 00:14:52,799
because that is your dominant ear.

285
00:14:52,799 --> 00:14:55,999
70% of people are right-eared.
So, what were you? I was right.

286
00:14:55,999 --> 00:14:59,759
You were right. Right, right, right,
yeah, no, it's very common.

287
00:14:59,759 --> 00:15:01,879
Try this other one. OK, look at me.

288
00:15:01,879 --> 00:15:05,919
Keep both your eyes open
and reach out your thumb,

289
00:15:05,919 --> 00:15:10,159
that it hides my face, OK,
and close your eyes one at a time.

290
00:15:10,159 --> 00:15:13,679
If I stay blocked, then that
open eye is your dominant eye.

291
00:15:13,679 --> 00:15:16,519
If you switch and it jumps,
that is your non-dominant eye.

292
00:15:16,519 --> 00:15:19,039
Josh just looks like he's trying
to encourage everyone,

293
00:15:19,039 --> 00:15:20,879
but he's done it...

294
00:15:20,879 --> 00:15:25,039
But he's
absolutely coked up to his eyeballs.

295
00:15:25,039 --> 00:15:26,799
He's like when you go out to the
smokers,

296
00:15:26,799 --> 00:15:30,759
you go, "You all right, Josh?"
"Yeah, mate, I'm fine."

297
00:15:30,759 --> 00:15:33,479
"Can you stand?"
"I can stand."

298
00:15:33,479 --> 00:15:36,519
"Just get us a water, I'll be fine."

299
00:15:36,519 --> 00:15:39,759
How would you test your footedness?
Which is your dominant foot?

300
00:15:39,759 --> 00:15:42,559
Pass a football.
Yeah. Take a free kick.

301
00:15:42,559 --> 00:15:45,159
Football or a stepladder,
any of those things.

302
00:15:45,159 --> 00:15:48,199
Or a stepladder? Which foot
you put on first onto a stepladder.

303
00:15:48,199 --> 00:15:51,239
I used to go downstairs one foot,
like, one foot, and then,

304
00:15:51,239 --> 00:15:54,159
you know the, like...?
Like a bride at a wedding?

305
00:15:54,159 --> 00:15:55,719
LAUGHTER

306
00:15:55,719 --> 00:15:59,239
My parents took me to a chiropractor
or something and I had one leg,

307
00:15:59,239 --> 00:16:01,999
like, an inch and a half longer
than the other leg.

308
00:16:01,999 --> 00:16:05,039
Oh. Oh. And facing the other way.

309
00:16:05,039 --> 00:16:07,119
LAUGHTER

310
00:16:07,119 --> 00:16:09,199
He'd get stuck in the middle
of the stairs for ages.

311
00:16:09,199 --> 00:16:11,159
He'd go down one...

312
00:16:11,159 --> 00:16:15,359
You see, I'm ambidextrous,
so I just go two feet at a time,

313
00:16:15,359 --> 00:16:17,839
all the way down.
Like a kangaroo. Yeah.

314
00:16:17,839 --> 00:16:20,079
I'm conscious of the fact
that as I get older,

315
00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:22,479
you have to be careful
that you don't constantly

316
00:16:22,479 --> 00:16:25,079
use your dominant leg, you have to
use your non-dominant leg,

317
00:16:25,079 --> 00:16:27,599
otherwise there can be
muscle problems.

318
00:16:27,599 --> 00:16:30,879
So I consciously use my non-dominant
leg now to do things.

319
00:16:30,879 --> 00:16:34,079
But with stairs you can't use
just your non-dominant leg.

320
00:16:34,079 --> 00:16:38,159
That is one of the few tasks
where you do have to use both legs.

321
00:16:38,159 --> 00:16:41,959
You can maybe do three steps, Susan,
but soon enough you're going to have

322
00:16:41,959 --> 00:16:43,639
to get that other leg up.

323
00:16:43,639 --> 00:16:45,679
LAUGHTER

324
00:16:45,679 --> 00:16:47,959
"I managed to get 'I love Grimsby'
on the top step

325
00:16:47,959 --> 00:16:51,439
"but we're just waiting
on the other one."

326
00:16:51,439 --> 00:16:54,559
I'm going to move on.
Really? Yeah, I am.

327
00:16:54,559 --> 00:16:56,639
There's a creature called a
rock ant.

328
00:16:56,639 --> 00:16:58,599
They are right-eyed in general.

329
00:16:58,599 --> 00:17:02,519
Now, how do you think they might use
this when they are stuck in a maze?

330
00:17:02,519 --> 00:17:04,559
They put it over the top.

331
00:17:04,559 --> 00:17:07,639
What, just take it out and go...?
LAUGHTER

332
00:17:07,639 --> 00:17:10,799
To get out of a maze... Yes?
..you just stick to the same wall

333
00:17:10,799 --> 00:17:14,799
and just turn right, right, right,
right, right, right, right, right.
That is exactly right. What?!

334
00:17:14,799 --> 00:17:18,519
They keep their left eye next to the
wall and they use their right eye
to look out for danger.

335
00:17:18,519 --> 00:17:21,439
Is that the case for all mazes?
Is that all you do? Yeah. Ha-ha!

336
00:17:21,439 --> 00:17:25,279
Well, basically... For all Maisies!

337
00:17:25,279 --> 00:17:29,119
LAUGHTER, SCATTERED APPLAUSE

338
00:17:29,119 --> 00:17:32,559
Don't clap that!

339
00:17:32,559 --> 00:17:35,239
Just stay to that wall,
or the left one...

340
00:17:35,239 --> 00:17:38,919
Always turn left or always turn
right. Make up your mind which one
you're going to do.

341
00:17:38,919 --> 00:17:41,159
Well, that's the problem
of a maze, isn't it?

342
00:17:41,159 --> 00:17:43,799
You don't know whether to turn
left or right. Just pick one.

343
00:17:43,799 --> 00:17:47,039
Well, I do,
but it's often the wrong one.

344
00:17:47,039 --> 00:17:51,479
I was meant to be on season one
of QI but I got stuck in a maze!

345
00:17:51,479 --> 00:17:53,319
And you were nine.

346
00:17:53,319 --> 00:17:55,559
LAUGHTER

347
00:17:55,559 --> 00:17:59,199
I love mazes and I go to mazes
regularly. We all love Maisie.

348
00:17:59,199 --> 00:18:01,679
LAUGHTER
Stop it!

349
00:18:01,679 --> 00:18:06,239
I go specifically to places because
there are mazes or model villages,

350
00:18:06,239 --> 00:18:08,559
and I like mazes
and I go into them...

351
00:18:08,559 --> 00:18:12,319
You definitely are saying
Maisie now, you're not saying maze!

352
00:18:12,319 --> 00:18:13,759
Is it still Wednesday?

353
00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:15,479
LAUGHTER

354
00:18:15,479 --> 00:18:20,559
Right, what's the noticeable effect
of giving cocaine to a toddler?

355
00:18:20,559 --> 00:18:22,279
Ten years in prison.

356
00:18:22,279 --> 00:18:25,399
LAUGHTER

357
00:18:25,399 --> 00:18:30,279
I don't have any children,
but I have...I have seen children.

358
00:18:30,279 --> 00:18:31,799
LAUGHTER

359
00:18:31,799 --> 00:18:34,599
Oh, well, that'll do!

360
00:18:34,599 --> 00:18:37,879
Mingling with year nine, you are...

361
00:18:37,879 --> 00:18:41,079
Are you sure you were a lawyer?!

362
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:45,639
My point is... I'm going to posit
a suggestion here. Go.

363
00:18:45,639 --> 00:18:50,199
I suspect it's probably illegal
to give drugs to children

364
00:18:50,199 --> 00:18:57,439
of that kind. Yep. Although my mum
says they used to give us whisky

365
00:18:57,439 --> 00:19:00,519
and brandy to shut us up when we
were younger. Oh, that worked!

366
00:19:00,519 --> 00:19:05,399
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

367
00:19:05,399 --> 00:19:06,959
Not now!

368
00:19:11,879 --> 00:19:15,199
Is there no effect? Is there less
effect than on the grown-up? No, no.

369
00:19:15,199 --> 00:19:17,919
So the thing is that cocaine
eye drops are still in use.

370
00:19:17,919 --> 00:19:20,279
Cocaine eye drops?!
Yes. In ophthalmology,

371
00:19:20,279 --> 00:19:22,799
specifically when testing children
under the age of two.

372
00:19:22,799 --> 00:19:27,359
There's a condition called
anisocoria. So, asymmetrical pupils.

373
00:19:27,359 --> 00:19:29,839
And I've got some here.
These are...

374
00:19:29,839 --> 00:19:33,119
What, that's cocaine eye drops?
Well, we slightly made this up.

375
00:19:33,119 --> 00:19:36,919
These are Sandi's... Oh, God,
I get drug-tested for my work...

376
00:19:36,919 --> 00:19:39,519
If we were going to put cocaine
eye drops in one of our eyes,

377
00:19:39,519 --> 00:19:42,359
it wouldn't be you, Susan.

378
00:19:42,359 --> 00:19:46,479
Frankly, I think you were in the
props room before you came on.

379
00:19:46,479 --> 00:19:48,759
Cocaine is still the gold standard
for infant testing

380
00:19:48,759 --> 00:19:51,759
because it is safe,
it is cheap, it's less stressful.

381
00:19:51,759 --> 00:19:53,839
It's a great way to dilate
the pupils.

382
00:19:53,839 --> 00:19:55,399
Anisocoria is mostly harmless

383
00:19:55,399 --> 00:19:58,679
but it can actually be a symptom
of something. David Bowie had it,

384
00:19:58,679 --> 00:20:01,599
anisocoria. Is that why he had
two different coloured eyes?

385
00:20:01,599 --> 00:20:03,959
He wasn't born with it.
It was a fight. He had a fight,

386
00:20:03,959 --> 00:20:06,999
yeah, absolutely. But the very first
person to use cocaine as a sort of

387
00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:10,399
local anaesthetic was an Austrian
ophthalmologist called Carl Koller,

388
00:20:10,399 --> 00:20:12,559
and he was a close friend
of Sigmund Freud.

389
00:20:12,559 --> 00:20:14,319
They were very big on cocaine.

390
00:20:14,319 --> 00:20:17,519
So there's Sigmund Freud on the left
and Carl Koller on the right.

391
00:20:17,519 --> 00:20:21,439
He became so well known for cocaine,
he was known as "Coca Koller".

392
00:20:21,439 --> 00:20:24,159
But it was hugely popular.
It was marketed for toothache,

393
00:20:24,159 --> 00:20:26,479
you could get cocaine lozenges,
it was good for singers,

394
00:20:26,479 --> 00:20:27,999
it was good for their voice.

395
00:20:27,999 --> 00:20:31,359
It became the official remedy
of the Hay Fever Association.

396
00:20:31,359 --> 00:20:34,599
They said that, "Oh, cocaine
dependency is no different
than tea or coffee."

397
00:20:34,599 --> 00:20:35,879
MAISIE GASPS
Yeah.

398
00:20:35,879 --> 00:20:38,719
So we're talking about Victorian
times, alternative anaesthetics,

399
00:20:38,719 --> 00:20:40,319
like chloroform and ether,

400
00:20:40,319 --> 00:20:43,159
they were problematic in operating
theatres because they were lit

401
00:20:43,159 --> 00:20:44,959
by gas or by candlelight
or whatever.

402
00:20:44,959 --> 00:20:48,159
And this is the days before electric
light, and the flames would interact

403
00:20:48,159 --> 00:20:50,759
with the chloroform to produce
gases, and boom!

404
00:20:50,759 --> 00:20:52,319
Either toxic or explosive.

405
00:20:52,319 --> 00:20:55,519
Yeah.
Have you ever been chloroformed?

406
00:20:55,519 --> 00:20:59,279
LAUGHTER

407
00:20:59,279 --> 00:21:01,759
That's your gift from this show...

408
00:21:01,759 --> 00:21:04,479
Have you ever been chloroformed?

409
00:21:04,479 --> 00:21:07,319
No. So what brought on
that question?!

410
00:21:07,319 --> 00:21:10,759
They used to do it a lot in shows,
didn't they? What? The hankie...

411
00:21:10,759 --> 00:21:14,079
Yeah. Yeah. And I think
it's not in the script so much

412
00:21:14,079 --> 00:21:16,679
because people
don't have hankies any more. No.

413
00:21:16,679 --> 00:21:19,319
It's the hanky that's the problem.
The chloroform...

414
00:21:19,319 --> 00:21:22,759
"I've got the chloroform. Now,
how am I going to apply it?" Yes.

415
00:21:22,759 --> 00:21:25,599
"Kitchen roll?"
"Don't be absurd."

416
00:21:25,599 --> 00:21:28,639
When I was a kid, every old person
had a hanky up their sleeve,

417
00:21:28,639 --> 00:21:30,119
and you never see it these days.

418
00:21:30,119 --> 00:21:32,119
I always have a hanky.
I always have a hanky.

419
00:21:32,119 --> 00:21:34,159
Yeah, I shouldn't have said it.
Yeah.

420
00:21:34,159 --> 00:21:36,679
LAUGHTER

421
00:21:36,679 --> 00:21:40,279
And now it's time for the acid test
that we call General Ignorance.

422
00:21:40,279 --> 00:21:41,919
Fingers on buzzers, please.

423
00:21:41,919 --> 00:21:45,079
How many tonsils do you have?

424
00:21:45,079 --> 00:21:47,359
# Up in the morning. #

425
00:21:48,519 --> 00:21:50,999
LAUGHTER

426
00:21:50,999 --> 00:21:54,239
How many tonsils I have?
Yeah.

427
00:21:54,239 --> 00:21:55,839
Half. What?!

428
00:21:55,839 --> 00:21:58,919
I had my tonsils out when I was 21.

429
00:21:58,919 --> 00:22:01,519
Mm-hm. One of them grew back.

430
00:22:01,519 --> 00:22:03,159
LAUGHTER

431
00:22:03,159 --> 00:22:06,559
Just a little bit.
Let's have a look.

432
00:22:06,559 --> 00:22:08,319
SHE MUMBLES

433
00:22:08,319 --> 00:22:10,079
You're wrong.

434
00:22:11,719 --> 00:22:15,599
Yeah. About her own tonsils?
Yes, you are incorrect.

435
00:22:15,599 --> 00:22:18,959
Why might that be?
You've got 16. You've got 16?!

436
00:22:18,959 --> 00:22:24,319
Well, you're nearer, you're nearer.

437
00:22:24,319 --> 00:22:28,959
15. The back of Josh's mouth
looks like bubble wrap.

438
00:22:28,959 --> 00:22:31,999
If you've had your tonsils out,
you've still got five left.

439
00:22:31,999 --> 00:22:35,479
Eh?! Yeah, we have seven in total.
Look at all those.

440
00:22:35,479 --> 00:22:38,079
The lingual tonsils. The palatine
ones are the most likely

441
00:22:38,079 --> 00:22:40,759
to have been taken out, but they
used to use some terrible tools.

442
00:22:40,759 --> 00:22:47,479
So when I was about five,
so we are talking...1963, Maisie.

443
00:22:47,479 --> 00:22:50,039
Um... I remember learning about
that year in history.

444
00:22:50,039 --> 00:22:51,919
LAUGHTER

445
00:22:51,919 --> 00:22:56,399
Is that when JFK was shot? Yes,
it was exactly when JFK was shot.

446
00:22:56,399 --> 00:22:59,879
So, I mean, nothing to do
with my tonsils.

447
00:22:59,879 --> 00:23:03,319
The doctor sat me on his lap and he
took what looked like a spoon

448
00:23:03,319 --> 00:23:07,159
with a sharpened edge and literally
went in and went like that. Guh...!

449
00:23:07,159 --> 00:23:09,959
Sent me home on the back
of my mother's bicycle.

450
00:23:09,959 --> 00:23:11,639
Yes. And if I could be so bold,

451
00:23:11,639 --> 00:23:14,639
that's when chloroform might
have been used, so...

452
00:23:14,639 --> 00:23:16,559
LAUGHTER

453
00:23:16,559 --> 00:23:17,959
APPLAUSE

454
00:23:21,599 --> 00:23:25,119
They are actually a sort of
front-line immune defence,

455
00:23:25,119 --> 00:23:28,239
and pretty much seven out of eight
childhood tonsillectomies

456
00:23:28,239 --> 00:23:29,519
are unnecessary.

457
00:23:29,519 --> 00:23:32,359
If they're inflamed, there's a jolly
good sign... Is it not just

458
00:23:32,359 --> 00:23:34,999
an indication that you've got
some ailment? Yeah, absolutely.

459
00:23:34,999 --> 00:23:37,039
They're producing antibodies
and white blood cells

460
00:23:37,039 --> 00:23:38,439
to fight infections.

461
00:23:38,439 --> 00:23:41,639
Now, where's the best place
in the UK to get a degree

462
00:23:41,639 --> 00:23:45,159
to be sure of getting a job?
I got a job at Waterstones

463
00:23:45,159 --> 00:23:48,599
and everyone had a degree apart from
my friend James, who lied and said

464
00:23:48,599 --> 00:23:51,519
he had a degree, and he didn't
have a degree.

465
00:23:51,519 --> 00:23:54,039
Yeah, I mean, everyone lies about
how many GCSEs they've got

466
00:23:54,039 --> 00:23:57,319
and whether or not they've done the
Duke of Edinburgh Award. Have you?

467
00:23:57,319 --> 00:23:58,799
Yes.

468
00:23:58,799 --> 00:24:04,039
LAUGHTER

469
00:24:04,039 --> 00:24:07,039
If my former manager
at FatFace is watching!

470
00:24:07,039 --> 00:24:09,239
LAUGHTER

471
00:24:09,239 --> 00:24:10,919
Why would you need

472
00:24:10,919 --> 00:24:13,799
a Duke of Edinburgh
to work at FatFace?!

473
00:24:13,799 --> 00:24:17,879
Because my mum said
it showed resilience.

474
00:24:17,879 --> 00:24:20,879
I said I had the gold one,
the gold Duke of Edinburgh.

475
00:24:20,879 --> 00:24:23,559
Yeah, I was like,
"Go hard or go home."

476
00:24:23,559 --> 00:24:27,199
But in the interview... Did you lie
about having a gold one?! Yeah.

477
00:24:27,199 --> 00:24:30,879
He was like, "Tell me about
your gold Duke of Edinburgh."

478
00:24:30,879 --> 00:24:34,479
And I just told him how hard
camping was and it was, you know,

479
00:24:34,479 --> 00:24:36,759
a testing time on your body
and things like that.

480
00:24:36,759 --> 00:24:39,399
But I was talking about
when I went to Leeds Fest.

481
00:24:39,399 --> 00:24:43,639
LAUGHTER

482
00:24:43,639 --> 00:24:46,759
Come on, best place in the UK
to get a degree? Cambridge.

483
00:24:46,759 --> 00:24:50,759
KLAXON

484
00:24:50,759 --> 00:24:54,839
No, it's the sweetest answer.
OK. Yorkshire!

485
00:24:54,839 --> 00:24:56,439
LAUGHTER

486
00:24:56,439 --> 00:24:58,079
Norland College.

487
00:24:58,079 --> 00:25:01,719
It's a specialist nanny-training
university based in Bath.

488
00:25:01,719 --> 00:25:03,919
Do you have to dress like that?
Well, yes, you do.

489
00:25:03,919 --> 00:25:05,559
That is the Norland Nanny uniform.

490
00:25:05,559 --> 00:25:08,439
And they describe
their graduates as

491
00:25:08,439 --> 00:25:12,759
Mary Poppins mixed with a little
bit of James Bond. Oh! I love this.

492
00:25:12,759 --> 00:25:15,919
They teach childcare, they teach
self-defence, they teach taekwondo,

493
00:25:15,919 --> 00:25:18,159
paparazzi avoidance techniques...

494
00:25:18,159 --> 00:25:20,399
A mixture of
Mary Poppins and James Bond?!

495
00:25:20,399 --> 00:25:22,919
Yeah. Don't let 'em
near your brolly!

496
00:25:22,919 --> 00:25:25,119
LAUGHTER

497
00:25:25,119 --> 00:25:27,319
They've got very rich kids
that they look after.

498
00:25:27,319 --> 00:25:29,359
They might have to deal with
potential kidnappers.

499
00:25:29,359 --> 00:25:34,039
And they boast a 100% guaranteed
employment opportunity

500
00:25:34,039 --> 00:25:37,679
if you get a degree. Whoa!
I had a baby-sitter as a kid,

501
00:25:37,679 --> 00:25:40,319
but I don't think they went here.

502
00:25:40,319 --> 00:25:42,759
My baby-sitter got in trouble
with me mum and dad cos she used

503
00:25:42,759 --> 00:25:44,719
the landline to vote

504
00:25:44,719 --> 00:25:48,639
for Steve Brookstein
to win The X Factor.

505
00:25:48,639 --> 00:25:51,479
And they were more fans
of Diana Vickers?

506
00:25:51,479 --> 00:25:55,359
G4. Wrong year. Um, and, uh...
LAUGHTER

507
00:25:55,359 --> 00:25:59,199
..she ran up the landline bill,
and me dad was furious.

508
00:25:59,199 --> 00:26:01,799
"Oh, Brookstein?!"

509
00:26:01,799 --> 00:26:03,679
It was founded by a woman
called Emily Ward.

510
00:26:03,679 --> 00:26:07,519
She looks really nice. She was
initially ridiculed. Everybody
thought that nobody's going to

511
00:26:07,519 --> 00:26:10,399
want to train for childcare,
incredibly menial job, and so on.

512
00:26:10,399 --> 00:26:13,959
But really wonderful - no Norland
student was ever allowed to use

513
00:26:13,959 --> 00:26:15,559
physical punishment on a child.

514
00:26:15,559 --> 00:26:18,599
She's said to be an affectionate
and motherly principal.

515
00:26:18,599 --> 00:26:21,919
So, what, not hitting a child
is affectionate and motherly?

516
00:26:21,919 --> 00:26:24,079
It was. I would say it's a base.

517
00:26:24,079 --> 00:26:27,239
130 years ago...
Not in those days. No.

518
00:26:27,239 --> 00:26:30,079
..that was considered quite
remarkable that she did that.

519
00:26:30,079 --> 00:26:32,599
Really?
So, see in the old days...

520
00:26:32,599 --> 00:26:34,799
LAUGHTER

521
00:26:34,799 --> 00:26:37,079
..I remember being at school
when teachers

522
00:26:37,079 --> 00:26:39,039
were allowed to hit the children.

523
00:26:39,039 --> 00:26:41,479
Pull the short hairs
on the side of your head.

524
00:26:41,479 --> 00:26:43,439
Imagine me in them schools!

525
00:26:43,439 --> 00:26:45,519
LAUGHTER

526
00:26:45,519 --> 00:26:47,519
"Catch me if you can!"

527
00:26:49,919 --> 00:26:53,439
Right. How many species of plant
are there in this picture?

528
00:26:53,439 --> 00:26:56,879
Oh, now...now...
One.

529
00:26:56,879 --> 00:26:59,039
Yeah, there's one.
You're going to say one? Mm-hm.

530
00:26:59,039 --> 00:27:01,359
No, don't say one!

531
00:27:01,359 --> 00:27:04,359
What are you going to say, Maisie?

532
00:27:04,359 --> 00:27:05,679
Two.

533
00:27:05,679 --> 00:27:08,239
Is correct. Come on! Oh, well done.

534
00:27:08,239 --> 00:27:10,639
Well done. Absolutely right.

535
00:27:10,639 --> 00:27:12,799
So, take a look at the picture.

536
00:27:12,799 --> 00:27:15,119
Cabbage, broccoli,
Brussels sprouts,

537
00:27:15,119 --> 00:27:18,959
kale and cauliflower
are all the same species of plant.

538
00:27:18,959 --> 00:27:22,439
They're called Brassica oleracea.
They're cultivars, basically,

539
00:27:22,439 --> 00:27:25,919
because they are cultivated through
cross-pollination, or grafting,

540
00:27:25,919 --> 00:27:27,959
to bring forward prominent features.

541
00:27:27,959 --> 00:27:30,839
So, for example, kale is bred
for very wide leaves,

542
00:27:30,839 --> 00:27:32,719
broccoli for its flower buds,

543
00:27:32,719 --> 00:27:35,279
and Brussels sprouts
for their hideous taste.

544
00:27:35,279 --> 00:27:37,719
But the odd one out
is Chinese cabbage.

545
00:27:37,719 --> 00:27:41,199
It's really more related to turnips
and pak choi, that kind of thing.

546
00:27:41,199 --> 00:27:43,839
All of which pea-brained
pedantry brings us

547
00:27:43,839 --> 00:27:48,079
to the small potatoes
of the scores. In last place,

548
00:27:48,079 --> 00:27:51,559
he's had quite a testing time,
with -24, it's Alan!

549
00:27:51,559 --> 00:27:55,759
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.

550
00:27:55,759 --> 00:27:58,759
Maisie is the most competitive
person I've ever met,

551
00:27:58,759 --> 00:28:01,319
and she's leaning forward now
cos she really wants to win,

552
00:28:01,319 --> 00:28:03,919
and now she's pretending
she doesn't care.

553
00:28:03,919 --> 00:28:06,799
In third place with 8 points,
it's Susan!

554
00:28:06,799 --> 00:28:10,439
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes! Aced it!

555
00:28:10,439 --> 00:28:13,279
In second place... Oh, so it's
between me and him? Yeah.

556
00:28:13,279 --> 00:28:16,919
All right, now I am competitive.
In second place, with 10 points...

557
00:28:16,919 --> 00:28:20,559
Shall we do a little drum roll
from the audience? Ready?

558
00:28:20,559 --> 00:28:21,559
It's Josh!

559
00:28:21,559 --> 00:28:26,079
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

560
00:28:26,079 --> 00:28:27,879
And the winner!

561
00:28:27,879 --> 00:28:30,919
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yes!

562
00:28:30,919 --> 00:28:33,559
Maisie! 12 points!

563
00:28:38,799 --> 00:28:41,319
So it's thanks to
Josh, Susan, Maisie and Alan,

564
00:28:41,319 --> 00:28:45,599
and as a parting gift, here's an
extract from one of Norman Wisdom's

565
00:28:45,599 --> 00:28:49,319
old school reports.
"The boy is every inch the fool.

566
00:28:49,319 --> 00:28:52,999
"But luckily for him, he's not very
tall." Thank you and goodnight.

567
00:28:52,999 --> 00:28:56,919
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE