Where's manny?
Tell him
The ice cream man
Is here.
Manolo!
Hey.
Can we get down
To business?
You got the money?
Aqui.
Tell him, papi.
He said that he's not gonna
Give you one red cent
Until you tell him
What flavor the ice cream is.
Vanilla.
That's what you ordered.
Tell him.
Ok.
Yes, yes, yes.
It's all about
The benjamins,
Baby!
Bring in the stuff.
Bring in the stuff!
Arnold schwarzenegger,
Funny man!
He's funny like that!
There is your ice cream.
Tell him. I see coming,
Coming. He say...
I tell him, i say jesus.
Oh.
He coming, and he say...
He say...
Tell him.
He say,
"F.B.I.
You're under arrest."
He gonna run.
No, he ain't.
You owe me $1.
Hey, where you going,
Big boy?
Goddamn. Now i'm going to
Bust your ass.
Is that all your big ass got?
Enough!
Yo, kevin!
Kevin!
All right, you two over here.
Right now.
I swear i'll shoot
Both of you.
Kevin!
Damn, marcus, why you always
Got to pick the biggest dude?
I don't know.
I like a challenge.
See? What did i
Tell you, huh?
We did it, right?
Didn't i tell you?
Yeah.
Huh? No help,
No backup.
You the man.
We gonna get all the credit.
The biggest bust
Of our career.
Yeah.
400 keys of pure...
Vanilla ice cream?
What?
Hey, yo, my man! Hey.
Where's the drugs?
I know nothing about drugs.
I sell ice cream.
Strawberry, vanilla,
Neapolitan, for example.
Hey.
Tell manny his ice cream
Delivery is here.
Never mind. Wrong store.
F.B.I.! Freeze!
Marcus?
I'm good.
They're moving.
Let's go!
I'm goin'...
Which one?
I don't know!
God!
Damn!
I told you we should've
Called for backup.
You know the chief's
Gonna kill us, right?
Let me, uh, give
You guys a little tip.
If you're going to
Operate outside the channels,
You know, do the whole
Renegade cop thing,
You might want to make sure
That you get the right guy.
Well,
Uh, chief, we...
We almost had the guy.
Uh, uh, our intelligence
Was just a little off.
Wait a minute.
Intelligence?
Look around you,
Copeland.
There's nothing
Intelligent about this.
Now, i'm tired
Of your escapades.
I want them to stop.
The last thing i need is
To be the laughingstock
Of the bureau.
And furthermore, the...
Hold on.
Hello? Uh, baby,
I can't talk.
The chief is chewing
My ass right now.
I got to call you back,
Ok? Bye.
Sorry, chief.
As i was saying...
Gordon here.
Yes, he is.
It's for you.
Thank you.
Uh, baby,
I'm still with the chief.
No respect.
No, he's really not
Happy now.
Ok, i got to go. Bye.
Thanks, chief.
You...you guys are...
Get this place cleaned up.
I expect to have
A full report
On my desk tomorrow.
Yes.
Yes, sir.
And in the meantime,
I'm checking with
The bureau to see if
They got any openings
In iraq.
The dynamic duo
Strikes again.
Way to go,
Baskin and robbin.
Or...or is it
Haag and dazs?
Haag and dazs.
You wrote that?
That's a good one.
I like that.
Later, haag.
Adios, dazs.
I hate those guys, dude.
Oh, god.
All right. Well,
Let's get this place
Cleaned up.
All right.
Ok, so, uh,
You do the floor.
Clean all the ice cream up
And i'll go warm the car up.
Ok.
Ok. So much for a hot meal.
Hey, baby.
Don't "hey, baby" me.
I can't believe you have me
Sitting here all night
Worried about you.
All night? Baby,
It's only 8:00!
Look, after work,
Me and kevin went
Down to the bar.
We just had
A couple of drinks.
I know.
I called the bar.
They said
You left at 7:45.
I checked mapquest, marcus.
It only takes 6 minutes
To get there from here.
So, if you got somebody on
The side, marcus,
You need to tell me.
Baby, listen to what
You just say.
Mapquest said it takes
6 minutes to get here.
I got here in 8.
Which means there's
2 minutes unaccounted for.
If i was cheating on you,
Don't you think i'd need
More than 2 minutes?
You know what?
I ain't going to deal
With this. I'm tired, ok?
I had a long day at work.
I got shot at.
See, that is exactly
What i'm talking about.
We don't communicate.
Ok, fine.
You want to communicate?
Yes.
Come on.
Let's communicate. Ok?
Ok. Let's start
With last week.
Last week.
You and i were supposed
To go shopping together.
We get to the mall,
I buy this beautiful dress,
I get my hair done.
You don't say anything.
I don't know, maybe you
Just don't want to...
Marcus!
Mmm?
Did you hear me just now?
Mmm-Hmm.
Tell me what i said.
I heard everything.
You was communicating.
Marcus, don't play with me
Right now.
I am not in the mood.
I cannot believe you
Came home late and
Then you start...
Marcus!
You are falling asleep again.
I am talking to you.
I wasn't asleep, baby.
I was closing my eyes
And visualizing your words.
Oh, really?
Visualizing?
Why don't you
Paint me a picture
Of what i just said?
Hold on.
Mmm-Mmm.
You know why?
Because you are
Falling asleep
Again. Marcus!
Marcus!
Well, well, well,
If it isn't ben and jerry.
Let me ask you guys
A question.
When the chief goes
To the bathroom,
Which one of you guys
Holds his balls,
And which one wipes?
Now, that's the ball holder,
Right there.
Yeah, you can tell
By the little cup in his hand.
That is exactly the attitude
That's gonna keep you guys
Working the shit detail,
While we're working
The socialite kidnapping case.
You...you guys got
The socialite kidnapping case?
That's right.
What's that?
Why, i think i hear
The chief flushing?
We better get going.
Who's turn is it to wipe?
Yours?
Uh, i think it's
Your turn to wipe...
My turn.
And i guess i'll
Hold the balls.
That's right.
Now, we received this
From mr. Andrew wilson,
C.E.O. Of
Wilson cruise lines.
It was delivered
To his home.
The girls in the photo
Are his daughters
And heiresses to
The wilson fortune.
We believe they are
The kidnapper's next victims.
Mr. Wilson has
Given us permission
To shadow his daughters.
We're going to
Set up surveillance,
And if the kidnapper strikes,
This time
We will be ready.
Now, the wilson sisters
Will be flying into j.F.K.
This morning.
So who's going
To pick 'em up?
Ok.
Obviously, everyone has read
The profile on the girls.
Still, somebody's
Got to do it.
I don't think
This is a good idea.
Kevin.
I don't care, ok?
We deserve to be on this
Case just as much as
Gomez and harper.
I know, but we don't want
To interrupt the man
In the middle of a briefing.
Well, somebody got
To stand up to him.
Kevin. Kevin!
Chief.
What?
Marcus has something
He want to tell you.
What?
Um, chief,
We...we just want to know
If we could get on the case.
You're on.
The boys over at intel
Seem to think
That the kidnapper's
A guy named ted burton.
It says burton was
A partner of wilson's
And some other associates
In some business venture
That failed.
Says he spent time
In the federal pen
And lost his fortune.
Guy's been m.I.A.
Since his release,
And those dates coincide
With the first kidnappings.
What do you think?
I think this
Babysitting gig sucks.
Dude, relax.
Look, man.
All we got to do is
Pick these chicks up,
Drop their ass
Off in the hamptons,
Then we back in
The chief's good graces.
I didn't join
The f.B.I. To
Become a nanny.
I want to be out
On the street where
The action is.
Ok, blackie chan,
And you'll get there.
But can we just
Do this first, please?
All right.
You didn't put dairy
In this, did you?
No.
Now, 'cause you know
I'm lactose intolerant.
Last time, i barely
Made it to
The bathroom, man.
Why would i want to
Disturb your stomach?
There goes your girls!
Come on, man.
Let's do this.
Oh, no. No.
Hi, i'm kevin copeland.
This is...
We already gave to
The united negro fund.
Yeah.
What?
Wait.
Excuse us.
Hold on. Hold on.
Hold on.
We're actually here
To escort you ladies
To the hamptons.
Oh, the bags
Are on the plane.
Take baby
And clean out his bag.
Oh, my god, he didn't have
His colonic and he like
Pooped everywhere.
What's this?
Baby got to ride
In the car seat.
And where the hell
Am i supposed to sit?
This ain't right.
Man, you guys sure
Got a lot of bags
For a weekend.
This isn't "a" weekend,
It's "the" weekend.
Labor day
In the hamptons.
The last weekend
Of the social season.
Like, only
The hottest people
Are going to be there.
And only
The hottest of the hottest
Are going to make
It onto the cover
Of hamptons magazine.
And this is our year.
Yeah.
Uh, open the window.
Baby likes
A little fresh breeze.
I just hope
The vandergeld sisters'
Private jet
Crashes on the way there.
Oh, my god, brittany!
You were thinking it!
I know, but you said it.
I know. I know.
You know heather
Totally hates you
Because you slept
With her boyfriend.
Oh, my god.
So what? I sleep
With everyone's boyfriend.
Oh!
Is everybody all right?
Oh, my god! Your lip.
Oh, my god! Your nose.
Marcus, are you ok?
I'm cool.
I can't believe
You think we're going
To go to the hamptons
With my face
Looking like that?!
It's...it's really
Not that bad. Just...
Just get some makeup
And cover it up.
Put makeup on this?
I am so
Fricking pissed.
My god, i mean,
This is like
The worst day of my life.
I went to go get
My brows done,
And i told her to make me
Look like j-Lo.
And then that
Fricking russian toad
Made me look like
Liza minnelli or something,
You know?
Oh, my god!
I'm going to have a b.F.
Wait. Hey, w-What's a b.F.?
She's going to
Have a bitch fit!
You better get out of here.
I am going to call
Your boss.
Come on,
You don't have to do that.
No, i'm gonna call
The owner of the company.
Come on, just take it easy.
Look, we can work this out.
No! I'm going to
Write a letter.
No. No. No.
Please don't write a letter.
Look, just calm down.
You guys just...just stay here.
Stay...stay here
The whole weekend.
Do whatever you want.
But whatever you do,
Do not leave this room.
Don't leave this room,
'Cause...'cause if you
Leave this room,
Everyone's gonna see
Those hideous scars.
Scar?
Oh, my god! Permanent damage!
Oh my god.
My life is over.
If i lose this job
With these good benefits,
Gina's gonna kill me.
Well?
They won't go.
What do you mean,
They won't go?
They won't go.
Marcus, this weekend
In the hamptons
Means everything
For these girls.
They're not gonna show up
With a scratched-Up nose
And a busted lip
For nobody.
Ok.
That's cool.
What are you doin'?
Nothin', i'm just going
To kill myself
Before the chief does.
Bye-Bye, kevin.
Come on.
Don't do that.
Stop being ridiculous.
I'm not being ridiculous,
Kevin. You heard the man.
One more screw-Up,
And me and you are through.
I know, man!
See?
That's probably him
Right now.
Hey, what's up, chief?
Look, there's
Something me and kevin
Want to tell you.
Yeah, uh, yeah, chief? Hey.
Uh, yeah, me and marcus just...
We just wanted to thank you
For the opportunity...
No, we didn't.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah,
We really
Appreciate it.
Well, they just wanted
To stop off
And get somethin' to eat.
He lying...
Yeah. Oh
2, 3 hours max.
Oh, trust me.
If i don't have 'em
There in 3 hours,
I'll cut 'em off
And mail 'em to you myself.
All right, take care.
Bye.
He lied, chief. Oh.
Why did you do that?
You know them girls
Ain't gonna be there.
Oh, they'll be there.
Hey, josh.
How'd you like to be
Part of the team?
Where are the white women at?
Let's do this.
He's right.
Make 'em bigger.
Chief.
Mmm?
They're here.
All right, the girls
Are yours.
Stick with them.
Don't blow
Your cover.
Yes, sir.
Are you sure
This is going to work?
Just trust me.
Follow my lead.
Shh.
Yo, what's up, money?
You got a problem?
What you lookin'
At my ass for?
No, yo, hold my poodle.
Hold my poodle!
Hey, yo, what's up?
Y'all got a problem?
Y'all want some of this?
You want some of this, punk?
What? What, boy? What?
I'll take the both of you!
Let's get out
Of here.
I got this for you!
Kiss my black ass!
Marcus, cut it out!
He lookin' at me
Like i'm some kind of girl.
You are a girl!
And you better
Start acting like one,
Or you're gonna be
A unemployed girl.
Damn.
I'd sure like to
Cut that cake.
Here, yo, hold this!
Hey, yo, you trying to
Look at my lumps?
I'll pull off my g-String
And handle mine.
Kevin, it's gomez.
I'll handle mine.
Welcome to
The royal hamptons hotel.
The bags are
In the car, jose.
Uh, the name is gomez.
Whatever.
Here.
And take baby.
Clean out his bag.
Poor thing just
Pooped everywhere.
And teach him how to say
"Quiero taco bell."
Thanks a lot, rico suave.
Grazi.
Thanks, julio.
Right away, ma'am.
Sweetie, you've got to
Slow up with those cosmos.
I'm fine.
Brittany and tiffany wilson,
Checking in.
Sorry. Uh, uh,
They're new.
Dr. Dorfman
Did an amazing job.
Oh, they feel so real.
Hi. Yeah,
I...i just, uh...
I need a...a
Credit card, please.
A-And some i.D., Please.
Credit card? I.D.?
I'm so frickin' pissed.
Ma'am, i...
First of all,
I go to dr. Dorfman.
He totally
Messes up my nose job.
I ask him to make me
Look like gwyneth paltrow.
I get off the surgery table
Looking like frickin' shrek.
Then i get here,
And mr. Harper
Makes me feel like
I'm some dumb blonde
With fake boobs
Going to
A hugh hefner party.
No, no,
I...i didn't mean
To offend you.
It's just...
It's...it's protocol.
I'm going to have a b.F.
Oh, my god. She's going
To have a bitch fit. Oh!
No. No, no, no, d-D-Don't
Have a...a...a b.F. Now...
I want to speak
To your supervisor.
Better yet, i'm going
To write a letter.
Miss, there's no reason to...
You are in big trouble.
"Dear mr. Royal hampton,
"I am a white woman
In america."
Ladies?
Is there a problem here?
Yeah.
No.
Yes.
Sir, no, no,
There's...there's...
There's no problem. I...
These are 2
Of our v.I.P. Guests.
Issue them keys.
Immediately, hmm?
Yes, sir.
V.I.P.
Learn your acronyms.
What a sweetheart.
Here you are.
Enjoy your stay.
Has anyone ever told you
You look just like
Denzel washington?
Yes, actually i, uh, have
Heard it once or twice.
What a beautiful
Chocolate man.
Beautiful. Oh my god.
Ooh, that was close.
Yeah.
Are they waving at us?
I don't know.
What are we gonna do?
Just act friendly.
My god.
Hi.
Well, don't act
Like you don't know us.
Karen? Lisa? Tori?
Oh, my god!
Uh, duh!
I haven't seen you
In forever.
It's only been
A year.
Did you do something
Different to your hair?
No.
You gain weight?
No.
I know!
You just had a birthday.
Yeah.
Totally. Total fire sign.
I knew it.
I totally knew it.
No, wait a minute.
There is definitely
Something different
About the 2 of you.
Collagen.
Yeah!
You little witch.
How did you know?
Duh, it's totally obvious.
Your lips went from
Cameron diaz to jay-Z.
Hey.
You got taller, too.
Oh, um,
We got our knees done.
You can do that?
You should do that!
Yes! Yes!
Well, it was really good
Seeing you ladies. Bye!
See you later.
Excuse me.
Where do you think
You're going?
Um, to go freshen up?
Yeah.
The hamptons magazine
Reception just started,
So let's hit it.
Hey, check it out.
Are those the
Wilson sisters?
More like
The wilt chamberlain
Sisters.
Man, i never noticed
How big they are.
But i'd still bone!
Oh, my god.
There's heath.
Hi.
Dude, are you hitting
Karen googlestein,
The soap heiress, too?
How do you keep
That shit dangling?
I keep telling her
I'm going to break up
With my girl.
You better hope
Heather doesn't find out.
She won't.
At least until
I wrap up this big deal
With her father.
Hey, mr. V!
And look,
There they are.
The fen-Phen twins.
They're hot.
What, are you blind?
That's heather
And megan vandergeld.
Your sworn enemies
Since you were like,
I don't know, 8?
Yeah.
Totally forgot.
Did i say hot?
I meant not!
Totally hate them.
Did you guys
Hear about megan?
She got stopped
By security at saks
Trying to pull a winona.
Megan.
Huh?
Oh, god.
Come on.
Excuse me.
This is going to be fun.
Move.
Look who just flew in
From the slums
Of beverly hills.
It's the beverly
Ho-Billies!
Squeeze me?
Oh, no, you didn't!
I'm sorry, but, uh,
We just saw
Your new video.
Yeah, they had a screening
Over at saks 5th avenue...
In the security office.
A klept-Ho-Maniac.
Your mother
Shops at saks.
What?
Oh, my god. You want to
Talk about mothers?
Oh, you want to
Talk about mothers.
It's mother time. Ok.
Your mother's so dumb
She went to dr. Dre
For a pap smear!
"Something's wrong, dr. Dre.
My coochie's
Doin' a beatbox!"
Yeah? Well,
Your mother is so stupid,
She exercises when
She could just get, like,
Liposuction or something.
Yeah.
Your mother's so old
That her breast milk
Is powdered!
You breast-Feed
Like this.
Your mother
Is so, like...
She's so...
Megan, you go.
Your mother is so stupid
That she goes to
Barneys rooftop deck
Restaurant for lunch
And orders a nicoise salad and
Calls it a "ni-Koise" salad.
"Ni-Koise" salad, right?
Your mother's ass
Is so hairy,
It looks like don king's
About to pop out and say,
"Only in america!"
Your mother's so stupid
That she goes into gucci
And she tries to buy,
Like, fendi and stuff.
Megan, heather.
Come on now, girls.
Is this any way to speak
To your party guests?
Wow! Brittany
And tiffany wilson.
I haven't seen you
Since you were...
Smaller.
Yeah. Well,
We're all grown up now.
Yeah,
I can see that.
Ladies, i fully expect
To see you later
At the white party.
I think it's gonna
Be the best one ever.
We'll be there.
Take care. Bye.
Bye, mr. V.
Good seeing you again.
This isn't over yet.
This is a long weekend.
You better watch your back.
Ladies.
Whatever.
I can't believe
You guys just did that
To the vandergelds.
You know, they could
Take you off
The scene just like that.
Yeah, but it was
So cool, you guys.
So cool!
Isn't that denise porter
From new york 1 news?
Yeah.
I'm working on getting you
An interview with her.
Great for your image.
I think i'm gonna go over there
And introduce myself.
Do you think
Now's a good time?
Actually,
It's a perfect time.
Wouldn't want to
Miss a photo op.
Never that.
See you later.
Have fun.
What's wrong, honey?
Did you just get cramps?
Yeah.
Do you need a tamp?
Heating pad?
Hors d'oeuvres?
Oh, thank you,
Wolfgang paco.
Hmm.
Would you give that
To baby? Thank you.
Bye, chico.
Bon appetit.
Vamonos.
I'll have one.
Hi, my name is...
Brittany wilson, of course.
Yeah. How'd you know?
Brittany wilson. Yeah!
Well, it's my job to know.
Besides, your publicist,
Tori, has been calling me
Non-Stop
About setting up
An interview with you.
Well, if i would've known
You were so beautiful,
I probably would've
Called you myself.
Well, if i wasn't mistaken,
I'd think you were flirting
With me, miss wilson.
Me? Flirting with you?
A girl? Never.
Sorry, honey.
I don't eat sushi.
Strictly beef.
Boy, you're really strong,
Aren't you?
It's from all that protein.
Oh, my god.
These are delicious.
You might want to slow down
On the cheese.
You mean, there's cheese,
As in dairy cheese?
Yeah. Unless you know
Another way to make quiche.
Uh, ladies, i...i think i got
To go to the bathroom.
Oh, good. We'll come with.
No, no, no, no, no.
I...i can handle it myself.
Thank you, though.
Like we're going
To let you go alone.
Yeah, come on.
Time for touchups anyway.
Move, bitch.
Oh, god.
Oh, my god, you guys.
Heath is here.
What should i do?
Karen, i don't understand
What you see in him.
He's an out-Of-Work actor
Living in a share house.
And he drives
A 3-Series b.M.W.
You know, tori,
I really think
That you need to cut heath
A little bit of slack, ok?
Because his aunt died
3 years ago and he really
Needs new headshots.
He's just going through
A really rough time
Right now. Ok?
You ok?
Everything all right
In there?
It's fine. Shit.
Tiff, we're just
Going to meet
You outside. Ok?
Ok.
Love you.
Man, it may be summertime
In the hamptons,
But it is snowing
Up in here.
Tony, hand me my boots
Because i'm about
To go skiing.
Great game last night,
Latrell.
That's what
I do, baby.
Now that's what
I'm talkin' about.
A white girl with
A black girl's ass.
I'm takin'
That home to mama.
Ohh.
Pardon me.
Santa must've come
Early this year,
Because you were first
On my christmas list.
Ooh, there it is,
Right there.
I want to know.
Are you naughty or nice?
Sorry,
I'm not interested.
I'll take that
As naughty.
Naughty.
You know what they say:
"Once you go black,
You're going to
Need a wheelchair."
Hey, latrell.
I had a great time last night.
Tony.
Ok, call me later.
As i was sayin'...
Yeah.
Look, king kong.
Why don't you take you
And your 1980 pickup lines,
Climb all the up to the top
Of the empire state building,
Beat on your big
Old monkey chest,
And then jump off?
Excuse me.
Now, now, hold up,
Hold on now. I'll get the...
Get your hands off me, man.
She don't know it yet,
Oh, but that's wifey
Right there.
Hello, everybody.
For just one second.
I'm warren vandergeld.
I'm sure most of you know me,
And i just want to remind you
That tonight's the night.
The vandergeld foundation's
Annual charity auction.
So bring your checkbook,
Dress to impress,
And we'll see you
There. Have fun.
Ok, ok.
So what are you
Going to wear?
Uh, this?
You're so funny.
Ok.
Ladies, you know
What this means.
Shopping!
Shopping.
And now,
The number-One
Most requested song
On w.Q.Q.R...
Oh, my god!
It's our jam!
This is our jam.
This is our jam, ladies.
Come on.
Oh, my god.
Ready?
Yes.
5, 6, 7, 8...
Through the crowd ♪
Take it, tiff and britt.
This is your verse.
Sorry, c-Minus.
Whoo!
That's hot.
Totally hot.
Guys!
I can't believe
That you just said that.
Said what?
The "n" word.
Uh...so?
Nobody's around.
Yeah.
Whoa.
Panties!
Aww!
Bush!
Aw, nice!
Ball!
Balls!
Ohh! I'm gonna
Throw up!
Ladies, can i help you?
Yes, actually.
I need something
For my friend.
Something that says,
"I'm not a whore, but
I'm not a virgin either."
I've got just the thing.
Come.
What about you, brittany?
Oh, no, thank you,
Sweetie. I'm fine.
Oh, good.
You can help me. Come on.
Me?
Yeah, come on, we're girls.
It's what we do.
Oh, god. What the...
Oh...
Oh, come on.
Hello?
Hi, baby.
Hey, what's up, baby?
Well,
I'm getting my hair done,
And i was thinking
That we could go the movies.
How's that sound?
Uh...
I'm back!
Who is that?
Ooh, you're never going
To get that big old head
In this tiny hole.
Here, let me help you.
Hold on.
I'll hold it open
While you put it in.
Ok.
Ok?
What is she holding open?
Marcus?
Push it. Push it.
It's almost in.
What is almost in?
Marcus.
Marcus anthony copeland ii,
You better answer me
Right now.
It's so tight.
Tight?!
The only thing's
That's going to be tight
Is my foot down your throat.
You better answer me!
It's a perfect fit.
I can't believe
What i just heard.
I told you.
I'm exhausted.
Gina. Damn. Hello?
Baby? Hello?
What do you think?
That looks so sexy.
Are you kidding?
"Hi. I'm cellulite sally.
Look at my huge bedonkey."
Oh. "And don't forget
About me. I'm back fat betty."
Now who could have said that?
Oh, yeah, it's tina
The talking tummy.
I can't even
Wear a short skirt
And a top without
Looking like a fat pig!
Well, calm down.
I'll go see if there's
Something else out there
For you. Ok?
Do you think
Heath will...
Do you need help?
Um...
I think i need a bigger size.
Honey, you never need
A bigger size.
Come here.
Let me show you
A little trick.
Brace yourself.
Suck it in.
Ooh!
Squeeze those cheeks,
Sister.
Suck it in.
Come on. Work with me.
Don't give up on me.
You can do this.
Suck it in.
Now that looks totally cute.
Oh, my god! Are you kidding?
"Hi, i'm carnie wilson before
My gastric bypass surgery."
Well, what about this?
This goes with
Your skin tone.
Somebody throw shamu
Back in the ocean!
Ok, ok, let me get you
Something else. Ok?
Ohhh!
Hows that?
I can't breathe.
Honey, this is just
Not going to work.
I'm sorry.
Well, of course not.
You're wearing
The wrong underwear.
Is that better?
I can taste the leather.
Ok, you need a pair
Of hot shoes.
What size
Do you wear again?
14.
What?
A 14.
Honey.
Do you think
You could bring
Us a size 10?
A what?!
A 10.
It's an open-Toed slide.
It gives you 2 sizes
In the front
And 2 in the back.
What about these, huh?
This one's...
You bitch!
That's so terrible.
Let me go and see if
There's some help out there.
Some professional help.
You need professional help.
Hang on.
Ok. Ok.
Dr. Phil!
Oprah. Somebody, help me.
Tiff!
Come on out, honey.
Let's see.
Oh, it is absolutely fabulous.
If you don't buy it,
I'm buying it for myself.
I don't know.
Stand up straight.
S-Straight? Ok.
Huh!
Turn around.
Turn around? Ok.
Honey, just relax.
Breathe.
Oops.
You know what?
Maybe a nice dress.
Mmm.
Ok. Who would you do?
Janet reno or rosie o'donnell?
Oh, come on.
And you gotta kiss 'em
And go down on 'em.
What! Are you kidding me?
And death is not an option.
I...
I don't know.
Rosie.
Oh! You're a pig.
That's disgusting.
What are you talking about?
Rosie's... she's all right.
Heads up.
Here they are.
Sangria? Sangria, everyone?
Oh, yeah.
So hold on.
Who would you do?
No time.
We're on the job.
What the...
Oh, my god,
He's got my gun and badge.
Go get him!
Get in! Get in the car.
My god, i need a cigarette!
Can you believe this?
What do we do?
We follow them.
But we can't
Blow our cover.
Give me back my bag!
Oh, man.
I'm gonna rip
Your head off.
Your ass is mine!
What is this girl,
A track star?
Oh, jeez.
You messed with
The wrong blonde today, pal.
Ow!
Holy christ!
Now i'm pissed.
I think
She's bionic, dude.
Your ass is mine now!
Holy smokes!
Yeah!
That was nice.
Jeez, lady.
All that for a bag?
It's not just a bag.
It's prada.
It was like a reality show!
It was so cool!
Right behind you.
Nice going, tori.
Way to get us sat
At the losers' table.
I thought you had it
All hooked up.
Excuse me.
I do have the hook-Up.
Don't blame me.
Blame little miss
Def jam over here
Who had to go, "yo' mama"
On the vandergelds.
We could be
Finished in this town.
Somebody had to
Stand up to those guys.
Hey, they're
The "it" girls.
That's the way
It's always been.
Whatever.
Honey, quick.
Give me a pat.
No, a powder
For my nose. Quick.
Oh.
Thanks.
Ok.
No, i'm just kidding.
I'm just kidding.
Hi, heath.
Karen, hey.
So,
I tried to call you,
But your number changed?
Yeah, i know.
I...i changed it.
Well...
Anyway, so,
I was just wondering
If maybe
Later we could,
Um...
Uh, hello. Where have
You been all night?
I've been looking
All over for... ew.
Why are you talking to her?
Clean it up, coke whore.
Do you have
Any more of that?
Well, don't hate me
'Cause you ain't me.
Can i have
Your attention, please?
Gentlemen,
Get out your wallets
Because you'll be
Bidding on a date
With some of hamptons'
Most eligible bachelorettes.
First up, yours truly.
Hmm.
Who wants to
Start the bidding?
Uh, $500.
$500.
Ok. Do i hear $1,000?
$1000.
Well, looks like we're all
On the vandergelds'd-List.
Is this seat taken?
Oh, no. Have a seat.
$1,000. Anyone
Wish to go higher?
$1500.
Ok.
Can you believe this?
I mean, they're actually
Auctioning off women.
Would you ever do
Anything like that?
$1800.
Well, it's, uh,
It's for a good cause.
Besides, being wined
And dined by a rich guy
Might be nice.
Oh. I see,
So you like rich guys, huh?
I mean, it might be
A pleasant change from all
The losers that ask me out.
$3,000.
That's good.
I see.
But i think that
We can do better than that.
$20,000.
Sold!
$20,000!
That is a new record.
She did very good.
Next to be auctioned is
Tiffany wilson.
Oh, that's you.
It's you.
Me? Oh, great.
You better do something.
Excuse me, honey. I-I-I'll
Be right back, ok?
Ooh.
Who wants to
Start the bidding?
$4.
$4. Do i hear $5?
$1,000.
$1,000. Does anyone
Wish to go higher?
Yeah, i got $2,000
Right here.
Ow!
$3,000.
$5,000.
Who said that?
Hey.
Ok.
$5,000 to the dirty geezer
In the back.
I'm sure no one's gonna wish
To go higher than that,
So we can just be
Done with it now.
$10,000.
$20,000.
$20,000!
Going once, going twice...
$50,000...
Cash!
Whoa! $50,000!
Fine!
Sold!
To the big black guy
Right there.
Step right up
And claim your prize.
Yes.
Whoo-Hoo!
Ah! No.
I don't want to go
On a date with buff daddy.
Come here, baby.
Dude, my feet
Are killin' me.
And on top of that,
That g-String
Gave me diaper rash.
How long we got
To do this, man?
Just a couple more days.
I don't have
A couple of more days.
Do you know who my wife is?
Here, listen to this message.
She's losing her mind.
And you don't want
To hear the rest.
Look, by the end
Of the weekend,
We'll be heroes
And all will be forgiven.
All right.
You order room service?
No.
Who is it?
Hi!
Damn! These girls won't quit.
Britt!
Um,
We'll be right there.
We're coming. Hang on.
Tiff!
Open up!
Open.
One second.
We-We'll...we'll
Be right there.
Hang on.
The ice cream's melting!
Hold tight, girls!
Um, we're just, um,
Shaving our feet, ok?
And...and braiding
Our vaginas!
Ok.
Hi!
What, did you guys forget?
It's your turn
To host the slumber party.
Ok, you guys.
What does it mean
When a guy is in
A really bad relationship
And it's really, really
Obvious that he wants
To be with you,
But he just can't
Seem to break up
With his girlfriend?
It means you're
A total booty call.
Oh, my god! Brittany!
Well, you were
Thinking it.
Well, you said it.
You know,
Sometimes you sound
Just like a man.
So i've been told.
What she means
To say, honey,
Is maybe you're just
Making yourself
Just a little bit too,
Like, available, you know?
Oh, come on, you guys.
Don't act like you
Haven't done it before.
You know how it is
When you really
Care about someone.
I mean, you call them
All day long
Because you just wanna
Know how their day
Is going, you know,
And...and what
They're thinking about,
And if they're
Thinking about you.
You spend all day trying
To find the perfect outfit.
You even change
Your hairstyle
Just so he'll
Take a second look.
But they never notice.
Sometimes i just wish
That they could
Trade places with us
So that they would know
How it feels. You know?
Oh, my god, look.
It's megan's commercial.
I won't let
Genital herpes
Slow me down.
That's why i use valtrum.
Hey. You wanna
Play with me?
Sure.
I won't tell if you won't.
Shh.
I so could have done that part.
She doesn't even have herpes.
Uhh.
All done.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, my god!
This is so cool.
You know something?
I think you might
Have been black
In a previous life.
Fo' shizzle,
My nizzle.
Okay, okay, okay.
Enough of this girl's talk,
Ladies.
It's time for some real fun.
Ho ho ho ho, yeah.
That's what i'm talkin' about.
Come on, show us
Some of your skills.
Yeah, totally.
Learn some of your skills.
Hot potato!
Well, actually, uh...
Go for it, sis.
Tiffany's the expert.
Yeah, but you
Made the video.
Ahh!
Com on, show us!
Show us! Show us! Show us!
Show us! Show us!
Okay.
Um...all right.
You see, the first thing
You do is,
You gotta...grab the thing here.
Not too tight,
Or you'll get calluses.
Okay? Then you want to
Look that little sucker
In the eye...
And go...
"Come here! Come here,
Little guy!
"Come here,
Little earthworm, you!
Come here. You like that, huh?"
I learned that
From my eskimo porn.
"Come here. Yeah. Ohh. Yeah."
And then i'm'a teach you guys
The deep throat.
You want to make sure
The passage is clear
All the way
From your throat
To your chin,
And you want to
Place the thing here.
And you just want to...
"Oh, yeah, you like that, huh?
"Oh, yeah, you little freak.
Coochie-Coochie-Coo!"
Guys like that?
They love it.
And another thing they love
Is this...
Oh, they love... oh! Oh, yeah.
"Oh, you like it, huh?"
Call that the headbanger.
Oh. Oh, yes.
Don't you ever...
Put it in your mouth?
Never!
Never put it in the mouth!
That's eighties.
You might as well go out
And buy a trans-Am.
Okay, wait. I'm ready,
I think i can do it.
Good catch.
Okay. Ahem.
So you take the thing,
And you grab it,
You grab it, but gentle,
Not to get calluses.
Okay, and then
You look him dead in the eye
And you say,
"Good boy."
You're scaring me.
And then comes the headbanger.
Yeah. Yeah. Tap. Tap. Tap.
Well done!
All right, all right,
I got another one for you.
Carmen electra
Or pam anderson?
Easy.
But they both got
A yeast infection.
Now that's...that's tough.
Uh...
I'm going to go
With pam anderson.
You're disgusting.
What?
They got a yeast infection.
Who would you choose?
Hey, gomez. We got
A couple of bogeys.
No time.
Oh, come on...
It's pam anderson.
Like you care?
Run their faces.
Let's go.
Brittany wilson?
Yeah, that's me.
Let's get her.
Put the blindfold
On her!
Damn,
This girl's strong.
Come on, get her.
Who you work for?
Intimate fantasies!
Oh, my god.
You need help?
Brittany, what are you doing?
Those are the strippers,
Raoul and tito.
Strippers?
I thought they were
Going to kidnap me.
That's part
Of their routine.
Oh, my god! I am so sorry.
Hotel security!
Is everything
All right here?
Everything is fine.
Just a little case
Of p.M.S., That's all.
I'm just one big,
Emotional wreck.
Could you guys go
Get me some midol
And a snickers? Right now?
Let's get out of here.
My ass is fat.
Don't look at my ass.
This is harper.
It's all clear.
Ok, ladies.
Let's focus.
We have to find
The perfect spot.
Would you look at
These starving kids in africa?
When i see them
I just want to cry.
I mean...
Why can't i be that skinny?
It's okay, megan.
Just think:
They can't wear belly rings
With those bloated tummies
Of theirs.
That's true.
I feel so much better.
Skank alert.
Oh, my god, girls.
I totally forgot
My suntan lotion.
I'm gonna, like, go get
Some suntan lotion.
I'll be right back.
Wait, britt...
Hey, russ.
Hey, bro. Go long.
I got a plan. Go, go, go.
Hey, yo! You do that again,
I'm going to bust...
I'm gonna bust out in tears.
Oh, my god.
Inbreds!
You're a jerk!
My bad, sweetheart.
Over here.
Don't hurt yourself.
Don't worry, i won't.
Sorry. Better lay off
The spinach.
Ooh. Yeah.
Tony. Let's go hunting.
I am so glad
I got waxed today.
Me too.
What did you get?
The bald
Eagle.
I got the bermuda
Triangle.
The landing
Strip.
I got the buckwheat.
Ew!
Disgusting.
Ah, what a beautiful,
Sunny day.
Oh, my god.
What happened to the sun?
Easy, white chocolate.
I wouldn't want you to melt.
Yeah. Hasta la vista,
Schwarzenegro.
Bye.
Hey, kids!
You guys
Want to make 5 bucks?
Yeah! Sure!
Ok, here's what
I want you to do.
Yeah, uh,
I'll take the usual.
Put it on my tab.
Hey, latrell spencer!
Could we have
Your autograph?
Sure, little buddy.
Thanks.
You're the greatest.
Hey, that's what
I do, baby.
Oh, sweet!
Here you go.
Nice!
And, uh, hey,
Stay in school.
Ok, we will!
Wow! You must be
Pretty good.
Ah, i'm all right.
You know, sometimes i feel
I should be payin' them
To take my autograph.
I'm sorry,
I didn't even get your name.
Latrell.
La-Latrell spencer.
And...and you are?
Denise porter.
Denise.
Denise porter. Yeah.
You know,
You look so familiar.
I feel like
I've seen you somewhere.
Uh, no, no.
I mean, i...i play pro ball.
Maybe you've seen
One of my games.
No. But i mean if i did,
I'm sure i would've
Definitely remembered you.
Ok, well. Look, denise,
Um, i don't mean to be
Too forward or anything,
But i'm here in town,
You know, checkin' out
Some real estate, and...
Oh, whereabouts?
Well, you know,
Up around o-Over there.
In montauk?
Well, more like around...
East hampton.
Oh, j-Just all over the place.
It's one big blur.
One big business blur,
And i kinda wanna get away
From all that business
And hang out with somebody
And have a real conversation.
So, i was wonderin'
If, you know,
You're not too busy,
Maybe we can hang out?
Yeah, sure.
Really?
Yeah.
All right, all right.
Cool! Cool!
Cool. It's cool.
Uh, so, uh,
I'll pick you up at about...
Hmm, uh...
Well, you know, the jet
Should be here about 7:30
And the limo will
Take about a half a...
About 8:00? Is that good?
Um, yeah,
8:00 sounds great.
8:00 sounds good?
Ok, all right.
All right.
Ok.
Goodbye.
Take care.
Yes!
Hey, where's our 5 bucks?
All right, all right,
All right, calm down.
Here you go.
$5. $2.50 each.
Hey, you promised
To give us $5 each.
Stay in school.
Cheapo.
I am not making excuses.
I refuse to believe it.
Really?
I don't want to
Believe that marcus
Is cheating on me.
And i don't wanna believe
Michael jackson
Keeps off cuttin' pieces
Of his nose!
Excuse me. Uh, your
Card has been declined
For insufficient funds.
The rep's on the line.
Yes, this is mrs. Copeland.
$4,000 dress?
And where did i
Buy this dress?
The hamptons!
Yes, i remember.
Thank you.
It is on.
I don't see why i got
To go out with mandingo
And his anaconda.
'Cause if you don't,
You're gonna blow our cover.
Yeah, well, what you
Gonna be doin'?
Me? I'm goin' to
Follow up on a lead.
You goin' on a date.
She's a reporter.
Who else knows more about
The hamptons people than her?
All right,
So i like the girl!
Well, you're the one
That's always tellin' me
To settle down.
Yeah, and you should.
But that don't mean
I got to go out with
Buffy the white girl slayer.
All right,
All right, all right.
Look, just go to dinner. Ok?
I'm only gonna be
A couple of hours,
And i'll meet you
Back at the club.
You promise?
I promise.
I'm serious, dude. Promise.
I do. I'm serious.
All right.
Hey, tell latrell
If he needs a comdom,
There's an extra
Shower curtain
In the bathroom.
Ah, hop in.
Take your time. Watch
Those marshmallows.
Ease on in there, now.
I won't bite.
Unless you ask me to.
You are so beautiful.
Good boy, baby.
How about we listen
To a little bit of music?
What the...
How did you know?
I love this song!
Good evening, madam.
Welcome to bella.
Thank you.
Shh.
What are you doin' here?
I came to borrow the car
And the keys to his house.
Are you crazy? If you
Crash this man's car,
He will kill you.
I'm not gonna crash it.
Look, just call me
Before you leave.
I'll bring it back.
And then you meet me
Back at the club.
Oh, no, my brother.
You got to get your own.
Help me!
Thank you.
May i bring you
Something from the bar?
Let me have a bottle
Of your best champagne.
Sir.
And bring us some oysters.
Very good, sir.
I have to say,
I was so ex...
Ex...
I was happy when i bought you
At the auction.
I mean, it's very rare
I have the opportunity to
Bask in the ambience
Of such a classy lady
Such as yourself.
Oh, my god!
I am humbled by your...
This athlete's foot
Is just killing me.
...beautiful nature.
Ah, that smell.
That's infection.
The most
High-Classness of your...
Oh, my god.
Is that a hangnail?
Um...
Captivated by your beauty.
Your bountiful curves
Remind me
Of the hills in italy.
I'm sorry.
You were saying?
That's perfect. Thank you.
Are you ready to order?
Yes, um,
I'll have the chicken.
White meat only.
And for the lady,
Perhaps a salad?
Perhaps not.
I'll have the steak,
Smothered in onions.
A rack of ribs.
Pasta with extra garlic.
French fries
With lots of vinegar
And a side of onion rings
With lots and lots
Of sauerkraut.
Ooh!
Have you ever had oysters?
Did you know oysters
Are an aphrodisiac?
Oh. Oh.
Sorry.
My tongue's kind of big.
It'll open. Hold it!
I'll push. Ugh.
Yeah. See,
That did it there.
Just a little turn, huh?
There's so many
Keys involved,
Sometimes it's hard
To figure out what's what.
Hey, hey...
It's, uh, mei ling.
What are you doin'
Here, girl? It's late!
Come on, now.
You have to go home.
Girl, you cannot
Stay here.
There are laws against
This kind of workmanship.
They're gonna think
I'm running some kind
Of sweatshop.
That girl does not know
When to go home, man.
I'm telling you,
She will stay here
And just clean,
Clean, clean forever.
Whew!
Wow!
This is really nice.
Yeah, this is dope!
Huh?
Dope summer home
I picked, boy.
Whoo!
Who's...who's that?
O-Oh, the...the...
The big, buff...
Bald dude with the fur?
Yeah.
Uh, that's...
That's my trainer.
You have your trainer
On your wall?
Yeah, well, you know,
For inspiration. I...i want
To look like that one day
And...and i...i come in
Every mornin'
And i...i look at the...
You ever see titanic?
No, i...
Me, either, but...
You want something to drink?
Yeah, sure. A glass of wine
Would be nice.
Wine. Ah!
Ok, so i'm gonna get you
A glass of wine and, um...
Tha-That'd be in
The kitchen, right?
I don't know.
This is your house, latrell.
Who? Oh, me! Latrell.
That's right. I-I'm latrell.
That's right, that's right.
I'm going to get you
A bottle of my wine
In my house.
Damn, little lady!
You sure can put it away.
You're so funny.
Voila!
Oh, you have a dog.
No, i don't have
No damn dog.
Well, then
Whose dog is that?
Oh, shit.
Ahh...that's...that's
Not no dog.
That's family.
Hey, cousin.
Come here, boy.
He looks really mad!
Are you ok?
Yeah, i'm fine. He just
Misses me, that's all.
Ok, boy, playtime's over.
Let me up!
You want me
To go for help?
No, we're just having fun.
Ow! You sure are
Playful today.
You want to go
For a walk, boy?
I'll be right back!
You know what?
Forget this!
I'm out of here!
I don't want to go
On a date with a guy
And his dog
Is biting him and...
Oh! Ok, what's he doing now?
What's that? What's that?
Don't pay him no mind.
He's just going to do that
Until he falls asleep.
Now, where were we?
Ah, wine!
Oh, god!
You know, i, uh,
Like a woman with
A little extra something.
A little cushion
For the pushin'.
I'd really love for you
To come to one of my games.
No, thank you.
I've seen you play.
Not impressed.
Excuse me? I'm
The highest scorin'
Forward in the league!
Yeah.
But all that talent?
Totally overshadowed
By nothin' but scandals
And pure laziness.
I mean, come on! You're
Shootin' under 50 percent
From the free throw line, ok?
Your turnover ratio,
Abysmal.
And on top of that,
You can't shoot
3-Pointers to
Save your life. So, uh,
Squeeze me.
No one's ever cared
Like that before.
Come here, baby!
Oh, oh!
Oopsie!
I had a poopsie.
Girl, we gonna
Get along just fine.
Back at you!
Oh!
Bask in the ambience!
I'm going to be sick.
Basking in the ambience!
So, no. I jump over
The fence, fall.
I scrape my knee...
Get out of here.
I... no, seriously.
Listen.
I scrape my knee,
I get chased
By the cops,
And i spend
The night in jail.
That's insane.
You did all that
Just to find j-Lo
And ben's hideaway?
I can't help it. You know,
Investigative journalism
Is my passion.
So how'd you end up
Writing puff pieces
For the local news?
Unfortunately,
I...i made some enemies,
And ended up getting
Fired from my last job.
What happened?
Oh, believe me,
You don't want to
Know about that.
Look, i spent all night
Talkin' about myself.
Sometimes it's good
For a man to just
Sit back and listen.
Well, since you
Put it that way.
Mmm-Hmm?
I did this piece
On warren vandergeld.
Him and his partners
Tried to swindle a guy.
You talkin'
About ted burton?
Yeah, how...how
Did you know that?
I-It was in the paper.
I...i read about it.
Well, but what they didn't
Report in the paper
Was that burton
Was 10 times smarter
Than all of them.
He embezzled millions
And stashed it in
An offshore account.
When vandergeld
Heard the story
Was going to break,
He didn't want
To be embarrassed.
Well, there goes my job.
You know,
You're a good listener.
It seems like you have
The whole package.
Oh, man!
Hello?
Yo, kev,
You got to go.
What? Now?
Yeah, now. We're on our way.
Come on, man, can't you
Stall him for a little while?
Look, this man sang to me,
He tried to kiss me
And, on top of that,
He been farting
For the last 20 minutes.
All right.
All right, i'll be there
In a minute. Bye.
Oh, cottontail!
I'm comin', nigga!
Gomez, what the hell
Are we looking for?
I don't know.
Something just ain't right
About these girls.
I'm gonna check
The bathroom.
Find anything?
Uh, no. Not...not yet.
You're not gonna
Believe what i just...
What the hell
Are you doing?
Sniffing chicks'
Underwear, man.
What is the big d...
It's... what?
They're guys,
Aren't they?
Wow. You really
Are disgusting.
Can i buy you a drink?
Buzz off, smallville.
Oh, my god,
I so don't get it.
Guys think if they
Buy you a drink
It's a free ticket
Into your pants.
Well, it's not.
What can i get you ladies?
I'll have a panty dropper.
Screaming orgasm.
A slow, comfortable
Screw.
A blue balls
On the rocks?
I've had that before.
That's a good drink.
Don't drink too many.
Yo, latrell.
What's up?
Yeah, what's up, man?
Ex-Excuse me, baby.
Hey, latrell.
How you doin'?
Latrell, my man!
What's going on,
Brother?
What's up, man?
Hey, 2 apple martinis.
You hittin' that, bro?
This is a tough one
To crack.
Tiffany wilson?
She puts the x queen?
Drop a couple of these
Babies in her drink, man.
Hey, hey, you sure
This will work?
Man, i just took 2 of them,
And i'm telling you,
I'm boning someone
Tonight, you know?
Excuse me.
That's for you,
My little miracle whip.
You need to loosen up.
There you go.
That's for you.
Oh, my god!
Is that britney spears?
Where?
Right over there.
Oh, forget it,
She just left.
Oops, she did it again.
Let's drink up.
Oh, let's do it.
To the last drop.
That's good.
Mmm-Hmm.
You wanna dance?
You know,
That's a great idea.
Here, hold baby.
Let's go, girls.
Let's go.
Whoo!
Yo. I found out some
Interesting information.
Ted burton turned
The tables on vandergeld.
Tucked away $100 million.
Been livin' the high life
Ever since he
Got out of prison.
There goes our motive.
Those skanks think
That they're hot?
Oh, let's show them
What sexy really is.
They want to battle.
Let's go, girls.
You girls
Want some of this?
Bring it on, sisters!
Ok, let's do it!
5, 6, 7, 8.
Come on.
Ho-Ho-Ho-Hold on,
Hold on, hold on.
I know you hookers
Don't think
This is over with.
Hah!
Let's kick it old school.
They suck!
Yes!
But we just walk
Oh, my god!
We won! We won!
Whoo!
Heath!
Come on, let's go.
Heath.
Get out of my way!
Move it!
I need a drink.
Hey, hey, hey,
Latrell, my man.
So did it work, man?
I don't know.
But i got to dance.
I got to hit this.
Hold the dog.
Ooh.
Let it out, honey.
Oh, yeah.
Now it's out.
I paid thousands of dollars
On this outfit
And do you think
He even noticed?
It's going to be ok.
Little miss vandergeld
Walks in
And he just forgets
All about me.
Ok.
Let it out. Let it out.
I wonder
If he would think
She was so hot
If he knew that
She is broke.
Vandergeld's broke?
Shh.
We mustn't
Talk of such things.
No, no.
I won't.
We won't.
But, yes, they're broke.
My father even had to
Loan her father money
Just so that they
Could keep their house.
They just paid us back.
You guys,
I love you guys.
We love you, too.
I love you so much!
Oh, god, thank you.
Can we get you some gum
Or a mint or something?
Hey, little girl.
Really? I love you, too.
Mmm.
What the hell are you doing?
Give me her!
Sicko. Where's latrell?
Dance floor.
Good morning,
Snowflake.
Oh, my god. Brittany!
What?
We're on page 6.
No.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
No. No. No.
Look. "Wilson sisters
Rock hamptons."
Wilsons rock!
We rocked!
Yes! Yes! Oh!
Wait. We weren't
In the hamptons
This weekend.
Oh no! We've been cloned!
He's got to be
Around here somewhere.
Girl, wait a minute.
Isn't that
Marcus right there?
That's him, all right.
Old lying dog!
Ha! Caught you.
Marcus!
That sounds like gina.
Marcus!
Gina!
Shh. Don't answer it.
She'll go away.
No, she won't.
I'm not going anywhere
Until you open this door!
I told you!
Ok, ok, ok.
What am i going to do?
Just get rid of her.
Ok. Um, i'll get rid of her.
You hide the stuff.
Yeah.
Hide the stuff.
Marcus!
I'm not playing
With you!
Coming, baby!
Marcus, what is
All that noise?
Oh, nothin'!
Ok, baby, i'm comin'!
Marcus!
Marcus.
I'm coming.
Hide. Hide.
Hey, baby! Hi, boo-Boo.
Mmm.
Nice room you got,
Marcus.
Hey, baby, what you...
What you doin' here?
I could ask you
The same question.
Me?
Mmm-Hmm.
Oh, i'm on assignment.
Are you wearing lipstick?
Oh, no. No, this is...
That's kool-Aid.
You want some?
You know, it's filled
With lots of vitamin "c"
And riboflavin.
Is that a bra?
Oh, no, this?
This...this is the new, um,
New holsters
They gave us at work.
They...they...they're
Government issue, see?
You can take and put 2 guns
In there and just...
"Freeze, f.B.I.!"
I know somebody's in here.
Baby, nobody's in here.
Nobody's in here!
See? Nobo-Nobody's in here.
Check under the bed!
What do you mean, check...
No, you think
Somebody in here...
'Cause i heard
Somebody
On the phone.
Check under the bed!
What do you mean?
That's where everybody
Always hides! Check it!
Marcus!
Nobody can fit...
See, nobody here, right?
Nobody there.
You know what?
I'm gonna look
In the bathroom.
Wait! No!
Don't check
The bathroom.
What do you mean?
Don't check
The bathroom!
You don't want me
To check the bathroom!
See? Nothing
In the bathroom.
Nobody in the bathroom.
Nobody in the room. See?
And ain't nobody
But me here.
See?
You know, baby,
This gotta stop!
We can't have love
If we ain't got trust.
I know, but, baby, look, ok?
I was at the restaurant,
And the card
Wouldn't go through...
Baby, listen.
If we don't have trust,
We don't have nothing.
Marcus, this is
Not about trust.
This is about...
Gina!
There she is,
Right there!
Now, baby, i can explain.
I knew it.
I know, but, baby,
It's not what you think.
It's... baby, it's not
What you think.
Don't you even
Say nothing to me!
...not what you think.
I can explain.
Baby, it's not
What you think!
He's a man!
You're sick!
Heath: whoo, yeah!
Lot of lovely ladies
Here today, boys.
Hey, russ.
What happened to you?
I, uh...
I, um...
I fell?
We have to find them
And stop them
Before they execute
Their evil plan.
Wait, what do
They look like?
Duh, us!
Afternoon, ladies.
The chief would like
To have a word with you.
Oh, my god, tiffany.
What?
They're the men in black.
Come on.
Hey, easy,
Ponch and jon.
Hey, buddy.
Move it along, pal.
Hey, my hair!
Chief, we just got
Confirmation that burton's,
Uh, arrived at j.F.K.
Ok, i want him trailed.
But give him plenty
Of room. I don't want
Anyone jumping the gun.
I want to get
This guy red-Handed.
Oh, get your hands off of me!
Let's go.
Hey, hey, easy!
Right this way, girls.
What the hell you guys doing
With the wilson sisters?
Chief, these aren't
The wilson sisters.
No, sir.
Chief, chief,
Check this out.
Oh, my god!
What are you doing?
Uh, that's on there
Pretty good.
Let her go.
That's...that...that's
Nothing, chief.
How about...
Ooh.
Those...those are nice.
Th-That's enough.
Hey, that...that's enough.
Chief, i...i don't know
How he...he did that,
But you can't fake these.
Oh, my god!
Look who's here.
It's that beautiful...
Save it!
Because of you, i had to
Suspend 2 of my best agents!
But chief,
I can explain.
I don't want to hear it!
You're just lucky
We caught burton
Before he could strike.
But burton is not our guy!
Yeah, chief.
Let me guess:
Women's intuition?
You're both fired. Turn in
Your guns and your badges.
This operation is over!
Come on, chief!
You can't fire us.
I just did.
Forget him, marcus.
We can do this ourself.
Look, all we got to do
Is...is...is...
Wait, wait, wait.
We? Kevin,
This ain't about we.
It's never been.
It's about you.
You come up with
Some stupid idea
And i'm dumb enough
To go along with it.
And look where
It's gotten me, kevin.
I just lost my wife
And my job because of you.
So don't tell me about "we"
No more, all right?
They bought it.
The f.B.I. Is packing up.
They'll be out of our hair
In a couple hours.
We could make
The grab tonight.
You sure you and your friend
Can, uh, get the job done?
Would i let you down,
Mr. V.?
Hey, man.
I just want to say sorry.
Forget about it, dude.
No. No, y-You're right.
You're absolutely right.
I-I've been selfish.
A-And i'm always dragging
You into everything.
I never even asked what it is
That you want to do.
I don't know,
There's something about
Always having you
Around, that just
Makes me want to
Step up my game.
I guess
It's because i always know
You're gonna have my back.
Hello?
Thanks.
Who was that?
That was josh.
Turns out that
Vandergeld's prints
Was all over the ransom note.
What are you...
What are you doin'?
Callin' the chief.
No, you ain't!
You said we could do this
On our own, right?
What about backup?
Hey, i got you,
You got me.
That's all
The backup we need.
Triple-T, k. A.
Time to totally kick ass!
3 generations at the bureau,
And i'm the first
To get fired.
My dad is gonna kill me!
Yeah? What? Who?
Copeland!
Copeland, you dick!
You've got
A lot of nerve, calling.
Lot of nerve.
Where?
You better not be
Wrong about this.
What? What? What?
What? What?
I think we might be
Getting our jobs back.
What are you talking about?
We gotta go.
What do you...
What...what do you mean, go?
How about this?
Rupaul or whoopi goldberg?
Hmm?
I told you,
I'm not playing your games.
Aw, come on!
Any sign of vandergeld?
I don't see him.
All right,
Keep an eye out for him.
If it's going down,
It's going to go down here.
Thank god!
There you are! I did it.
You did what?
I got you into
The fashion show!
Brittany, did you hear that?
Yeah.
We're in the fashion show.
Oh, my god.
Not if we don't get moving.
Come on, let's go!
Get the lead out, ladies.
You're so funny.
I mean, it's like you forgot.
You mean
The wilson sisters are in?
And we're out?
I'm sorry, ladies.
That's just the way it is.
They're hot, you're not!
So deal with it, huh?
You! Straighten up
That blouse right now!
That's impossible!
We've been on that catwalk
Every summer
For 6 years straight!
Look, let's just
Cut to the chase.
Who do we have to
Sleep with
For us to get in the show?
Oh, honey,
You're so barking up
The wrong
Tree right now. Really!
If you nail this,
You're a shoo-In
For the cover of
Hamptons magazine.
Darlings!
Where have you been?
Megan! Don't!
This is unacceptable.
They just messed
With the wrong girls!
I've been looking
Everywhere for you.
Can we get the wilson sisters
Their outfits now, please?
Go. Go. Go!
Hey.
Uh, can we talk?
Of course.
Listen, you were incredible
At the nightclub last night.
Thank you.
Incredible.
Thanks.
And heather will be leaving
After the party tonight,
And i was thinking
Maybe you could
Come by around 2:00?
Make that 3:00 a.M.
Um...
You know what?
I don't think so.
Excuse me?
You thi-Think
I'm just a booty call.
Well, i'm not.
And i deserve
Better than that.
I'm tired of being
Your doormat.
Doormat?
Honey,
What makes you think
You're that special?
Bastard.
Excuse me.
Asswipe!
You're going to
Regret that.
I'm so scared.
Oh, my god! Tiffany!
Thank you so much,
Honey.
I am so proud of you.
Thanks. I just wish
I didn't feel so crappy.
Oh, honey.
Sometimes a man
Can't see when he has
Someone so special
Sitting right
In front of him.
Are you, like,
A lesbian?
I better go get changed.
Ok.
Ladies and gentlemen,
This evening we are
Proud to present
The fall couture line,
Aubrey allure.
Please, take your seats.
Excuse me?
You're not on the list.
Invitation, my ass!
They don't know
How we do it.
Let's just blend.
All right.
Move you're feet,
Go! Get going!
Move it!
Aubrey! Aubrey!
Didn't we just have
This conversation?
Can we get these
Fantastic supermodels
Back into their
Dressing rooms?
I can't believe it!
Oh!
They changed that quick!
Amazing!
They changed that quick!
These ought to get
The critics' attention.
Can't stop the beat ♪
Huh?
Move your feet
Ok, 2nd changes,
Everybody!
Go! Go! Go! Now!
This'll be
A nice little treat.
My god! What's happening?
That's not mine!
Let's get out of here!
All right, bro.
I'm sorry!
Oh!
Just give me your hand.
It'll be ok.
I'm so sorry. Oh my god!
I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry. Oh!
Come here! I got you!
I got you! I got you!
Oh! Oh!
Here we go. Up!
Oh, my god!
I hope she's ok.
I'm ruined.
Looks like some
People just don't
Know when to quit.
Come on, girls.
Help me.
I got you.
Karen,
What are you doing?
Look, someone has got to
Give those girls
A taste
Of their own medicine.
So revolutionary!
It's so bold and so...
So brilliant!
Yes!
No! Everybody,
They're impostors!
Oh, my god!
Hit the lights.
Marcus!
Brittany!
Where's brittany?
Brittany!
Where are you?
Brittany!
Tiffany!
Get down!
I told you
You were going
To regret it.
You hit like a bitch!
Come on.
You run and i'll shoot you.
Come on. Come on.
My turn.
Mama?
Girl, we gonna
Need some backup.
Keisha? Hey!
Girl, call naynay
And laquanda.
Tell them to
Bring the vaseline
And the straight razors.
These bitches
On some other shit!
What's going on?
Don't touch my dress!
Vandergeld's got tiffany!
What? No one messes
With my queen!
Marcus! Are you ok?
No.
What's wrong?
These damn g-Strings
Are killing me!
Freeze!
F.B.I.
You guys
Take care of those two.
We're going
After vandergeld.
Copeland!
You're going to need this.
Come on, let's go.
F.B.I.! Freeze!
Daddy, what are you doing?
Heather, why don't you
Take your mother
And your sister
And go on home?
Daddy, why are you
Doing this?
Daddy didn't tell you?
He's broke.
What do you mean, broke?
Like martha stewart broke
Or m.C. Hammer broke?
M.C. Hammer broke!
No!
I've been funneling money
Out of the charity
Into a private account,
Just to get us by!
Are you filming this?
I'll give you
Something to shoot!
Get out of my way!
I can't do that.
No!
Drop it!
I got you, man.
Hey, we're gonna get
That stain out.
Don't even worry.
Don't move!
Warren vandergeld,
You are under arrest!
Hey, i just want to tell you,
I appreciate what you did.
That was
Real brave of you.
I had no choice.
I couldn't let them take
My one true love away.
Hey, dude. I ain't
What you think i am.
Baby, we all got secrets.
That's ok.
Are you telling me
That you are not...
Yeah. I'm not a woman.
White?
Oh, the deception!
The betrayal, man!
You deceived me!
Calm down.
I'm a f.B.I. Agent.
I was uncovering a s...
Negro, please!
Didn't somebody tell you
This was an all-White
Party, huh?
Someone get this
Jigaboo away from me!
Are you ok?
Yes, i'm fine.
Thank you.
So, do i get to
See my knight
In shining armor?
Well...
Get a leg!
Get off me!
What do you mean?
I'm going to let you have it!
You ain't never
Met nobody like me!
It's me!
You don't know who you
Messing with! My name's gina!
It's me!
It's me. It's me.
Kevin?
Latrell?
Gina!
Marcus?
Oh, this is some
Jerry springer shit!
Once again, you guys
Managed to do everything
I told you not to do.
You caused over
$250,000 worth of damage.
2 people were shot.
But at least you, uh, got
The right guy. Good work.
Thanks a lot, chief.
But we couldn't have done it
Without gomez and harper.
All right, i'll see you all
In the office tomorrow.
All right.
Hey, good work, guys.
Who will be featured
On the cover
Of hamptons magazine?
All right, i got
To go take care
Of some business. Um...
See you guys on monday.
So, who do you think
Wore those panties
You were sniffing?
Kevin or marcus?
Gomez, i told you.
I was looking for d.N.A.
Oh, yeah.
What are you
Laughing at, "denzel"?
"Oh, what a beautiful
Chocolate man!"
You guys got
Some work to do?
I'm denise porter.
Good night.
Denise.
Hi.
I'm kevin copeland.
I'm an f.B.I. Agent.
I make $30,000,
A year after taxes.
I don't drive a bentley,
And i don't have
A house on a hill.
But i'd really, really,
Really like to take you out.
Are you kidding me?
Any man
Who would jump in front
Of a bullet for me
Can definitely
Take me on a date.
Baby?
Come on, girl, let's go.
Wait, could i just please...
Marcus, i have nothing
More to say to you.
I know.
Just listen to me, please.
Gina, i...i lied to you,
I've hid things from you,
But i have never
Cheated on you.
But i am guilty.
I'm guilty of paying
More attention to my job
Than i do my wife.
I'm guilty
Of not appreciating
All the little things
You do for me.
Like getting your hair done.
Wearing that sweet-Smelling
Chanel cologne i love so much.
But my biggest crime
Is that i didn't tell you
I loved you every single day.
Oh! You're not going to
Let him off that easy.
Will you shut up?
Ok.
I love you.
A wheelchair?
Yes, but the feeling
Will come back,
I promise.
Backup, tony.
Hey, girls.
Hey.
Hi.
So you guys were
Pretending to be them
The entire time?
Yes, we were.
But we was only
Doing our job.
I hope you guys aren't
Too pissed off at us.
We're so bummed!
We liked brittany
And tiffany, like,
So much more
When you were them.
So much more!
So i guess
This means we won't be
Hanging out anymore?
Oh, don't say that.
Of course we will.
We'll hang out.
Yeah. We'll all
Get together and
We're gonna go
Shopping!
I know about,
How you doin',
My songs that be playing
'Cause i'm out,
When you turn off
The white girl way
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