Live from Quahog, Rhode Island, this is Channel Five Action News...
...with Tom Tucker, Diane Simmons...
...and Blaccu-weather meteorologist, Ollie Williams.
- Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. - And I'm Diane Simmons.
Could we talk about something besides yourself, Diane?
- Excuse me? - Great. Tonight, in the news, two local men arrested...
...as part of an illegal steroid ring.
These charges are false. Our muscles are the result...
...of hundreds of squat-thrusts and somersaults down on the hard ground.
Stop pushing! Save your roughneck tactics for Sacco and Vanzetti.
Hup! Hup-ho! Hup!
Meanwhile, authorities acting on a tip...
...searched the marshlands near the Fox Point hurricane barrier...
...for what they believed to be the remains...
...of reputed mobster "Big Fat" Pauly.
The authorities were disappointed to find not the remains of"Big Fat" Pauly...
...but, instead, The Remains of the Day, a boring Merchant-Ivory film...
- Starring Sir Anthony Hopkins. - Hmm. Funny how they could've confused that.
Coming up, why your next trip to the salad bar could be your last.
But first, we go live to the Quahog Performing Arts Center...
...where Asian correspondent, Tricia Takanawa is down at the red carpet.
Tom, tonight the stars are out...
...for a special sneak preview of a straight-to-DVD feature...
...that will soon be in the $3.99 bin at your local car wash.
Here comes Mayor Adam West, himself.
Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers?
Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup- No, I take that one back.
- I'm gonna hold on to that one. - Thank you, Mayor West.
Oh, and if I'm not mistaken, it's local folk legend and ward of the state...
Quahog's own Greased-up Deaf Guy.
Don't judge me! I'm just doin' my thing! See you in the theater.
- Evil, over here! - Hey, Evil Monkey!
And here come two popular Family Guy guest stars...
Drew Barrymore and her date.
Hey, Kool-Aid!
- Oh, yeah! - Things going well with Drew?
Oh, yeah!
We have so much fun and he keeps my tongue really red.
See?
Hey, thank y'all for coming out. Don't forget to check out my clothing line, C.C. Brown...
...available at many retail outlets.
Got y'all in here.
And here are the stars of tonight's film, the Griffin Family.
Whoa! What's this, a party?
How'd you all get in my room?
Hi, I'm Brian.
Um, I rode backwards in the limo, so...
...uh, actually, my underpants were going the right way.
- Stewie! Stewie! Good to have you back! - Good to be back.
Especially since my brief foray into politics didn't work out.
Ladies and Gentlemen, we got him!
Stewie, I'm from TVGuide. How does it feel...
...to be the youngest working actor in Hollywood?
Well, it feels about like seven figures a year, which feels pretty good.
Stewie! Stewie! Hi, I'm from the L.A. Times.
Can you tell us, are you working on any new projects?
Well, yes. I just did an episode of According toJim.
I'm the comic relief.
Stewie, do you know if Fox has any plans to bring back Futurama?
- What magazine are you from? - Entertainment Weekly.
 La, la, la, la Family Guy 
H- H-Hey, everybody!
- I am sorry. I am so sorry. There was booze in the car.
I'm sorry.
Oh, God, Lois! For Christ's sake, take it easy, will ya?
- When I heard-When I heard... - God.
That we was gonna be in a movie, I was like, "Fuck, yeah!"
All right. You know what? Let's just try and walk straight here.
Just-
Lois, get up. Oh, God. Lois, get up.
- Get on! - I'm not gonna get on.
I am not gon- Lois. Lois. You get up.
- Peter. - What?
- Get on. - Son of a bitch.
I- I am really sorry, everybody.
Oh, G- Oh! All right. You know what?
- Let's get inside. Come on. - Ow!
So, Meg, how does it feel to be the center of attention?
Oh, my God. You talkin' to me?
Are you talkin' to me? Okay. Okay.
- Well, I thought a lot about it, and I- - And here comes David Bowie.
- David, what brings you all the way to- - Shh!
Just you shut your mouth.
Oh, me love to meet Ziggy Stardust!
I take you home. I make you fish bowel soup. Fish bowel!
Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years.
And now we'll cut inside the theater to our hidden cameraman...
...who'll be providing us with a bootleg copy of the movie.
Vince Vaughn, Susan Sarandon...
...in Two People Who Look Like They Never Sleep.
Hey, Mary, how'd you sleep last night?
Ugh, I had plenty of sleep. Stop asking me that.
- Well, you look tired. - Well, so do you.
- Fine. - Yeah.
I'm a little bunny and I'm separated from my family.
Oh, no. I have a long journey to go on.
I wish I didn't have to go it alone.
Hey, Mr. Bear, I need your help.
But I'm a loner bear who don't like to be bothered by other folks.
A story of friendship, with music by Randy Newman.
 It's a story 'bout friendship with music by me 
 'Bout a bear and a bunny 
 In the end the bunny's family dies but the bear becomes his new family 
 Something like that 
Whee!
Mom, look! Mom! Mom!
Mom! Mom! Mom, look at me!
Look at me! Mom! Mom!
Mom!
- How was that? - Your third somersault was a little sloppy.
But what do I know, huh?
It's been so long since I qualified for the Olympics.
- You were in the Olympics? - No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go.
Now I'm pro-choice.
Hey! Hey, Meg. Go crouch down behind Brian.
- I'm gonna push him in the pool. - Okay.
- Dad! - Ow! Damn it!
Meg, you did it wrong!
See ya later, honey. I guess I can't go swimmin' for half an hour.
Giggedy-giggedy-giggedy-goo!
Hey, Stewie. How 'bout Daddy teaches ya how to swim?
Go... Away... Fat man.
What do you think you're doing? "No" means "no"!
Okay. Here goes.
Come on, Stewie. In... The... Pool.
No! No, I don't want to die! I want to live! Live!
Peter, stop it. He's never gonna learn like that.
Maybe this summer he should take swim lessons.
- Would ya like that, Stewie? - Hmm.
Well, I guess it couldn't be worse than that summer I spent in India.
Whatever you do, short-round, don't touch anything.
Okay, Dr. Jones, I no touch anything.
- Indy! - Lady only here 'cause she humping director.
Whoa. Look at this place. What happened to Sal's Video?
We bought them out two weeks ago. Welcome to Lackluster Video.
50,000 stores nationwide.
Yeah, well, uh, you know, I used to come into Sal's once or twice a week...
...to rent movies from his, uh... Back room.
You know what I mean? Room for, uh, adults only.
Catch my drift? The, uh, kind of movies where there are X-rated pornos...
...and fully-nude people fornicate for the camera and stuff comes out.
- Get my meaning? - Oh, I'm sorry, but Lackluster Video...
...takes a strong moral stance against pornography...
...open-mindedness and non-Christians.
Oh, yeah? Then why do you rent Prince of Tides? Barbra Streisand is Jewish.
We edit some of our movies.
I think I'm in love with you, Doctor.
No, Tom, you're wrong. You don't love me. You love the idea of me.
Hi, I'm Tom Tucker. Do me a favor and fill this bag...
...with motion pictures featuring women-on-women or anything with an amputee.
Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think it's immoral.
You know, that really grinds my gears.
Where in the Bible does it say a man can't fire off some knuckle-children...
...in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room, while his neighbor is at work...
...because I don't have a DVD player?
I don't know where it says it because the Bible is way too long to read.
Hey, that was quite a rant there.
You know, we're looking for an everyman to rant about petty, nonsensical irritants...
...to replace our "Spotlight on the Middle East" segment.
Hey! I'd be great at that!
I've been dying to get back on television ever since I stopped hosting Family Feud.
How are you, Betsy? Welcome to the show. You are a lovely young woman.
Stick my hand up there and feel that one.
And that one.
We're looking for somethin' you shop for at the mall. Three seconds.
Come on, Stewie. Don't be afraid.
It's just water. It's not gonna bite.
Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid.
What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it, you moron. It doesn't have to bite you.
Hey, little guy. Take a look at Brad over there. He's my star pupil.
- See how brave he is? - He's not brave.
I'll tell you who was brave- Gandhi.
And the black people are always like, "Hey, bitch. "
And the Indian people, we do not call our women in such a way.
Boo.! You suck.!
Okay, parents. Next week's the toddler's swim meet.
It's gonna be a lot of fun!
You know, that is a remarkable resemblance, Brad.
You, on your back, in the water- You look like one of my stools!
So, is it just pool water that turns you into a sniveling girl, or is it all water?
Mom! Brian's asking me if it's just pool water that turns me...
...into a sniveling girl or if it's all water!
I heard that Olympic swimmers shave all the hair off their head and their private areas...
...to make 'em move faster.
I don't need some stupid gimmick.
Soon as I improve my technique, I'll outswim Brad as easily as I took care of that other boy.
Casper, go long!
Ooh, sorry about that, man.
- Are you dead? - Yeah, whatever.
I was gonna off myself on Tuesday anyway.
Hey, Peter, shouldn't you be getting ready for your first news segment?
Yeah. I'm a little nervous, though. I'm not sure what to talk about.
- You could talk about me. - Okay, honey. I'll talk about you.
"Hey, I'm Meg. I go to school. I wear glasses. "
Spot on. Spot on.
Oh, Peter, you'll be great. You're a natural.
I always said they never should have replaced you on Roseanne.
Hey, Rosie, have you seen Darlene?
...and junk.
Uh, I-I don't, uh- I can't, uh-What?
In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty...
- I finally get my period. - Well, Diane, I'm sure you and your brother...
...must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been.
We now go to Peter Griffin for "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?"
Thanks, Tom. You know what really grinds my gears?
Nobody's come up with a new priest-and-rabbi joke in, like, 30 years.
You know? I mean, okay. Um, um-
A priest and rabbi go into the supermarket and, uh, the priest...
...wants to buy a ham and the rabbi says...
"Uh, I can't eat it. It's forbidden.
Couldn't eat it. Not allowed. "
Pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No.
L- I don't see you comin' up with anything.
And that, people, is what grinds my gears. Tom.
Come on. You gonna be all day?
- I'm brushing my teeth. - You only have, like, two.
- I mean, how long could- Oh, God! - Oh. Hey.
Uh... wow.
You... Doin' a little hair removal there?
Oh, uh-Yeah.
Um... You know, feel free to say "no" to this, but...
...would you shave my coin purse?
Oh, no! No way, man!
Holy freaking God!
- Oh! - Don't have to be so uptight about it.
There we are. Balder than Michael Chiklis-
And bears him an odd resemblance too. I say, they could be brothers.
Detective Vic Mackey has finally met his match.
Just when you thought The Shield couldn't get anymore intense.
- Hey, Mackey, your brother's here. - I'm sorry, Detective.
- I don't have a brother. - Hello, Vic.
Detective Scrotes. I told you I never wanted to see you again.
Yeah? Well, I got a listenin' problem.
Okay. We're gonna have our first fun little race.
When I blow this whistle, I want all the parents...
...to throw their children into the pool.
If your child doesn't resurface right away, they're probably just trying to get attention.
- Ready? - Good luck, Stewie.
"Good luck, Stewie. "
That's you. That's what you sound like.
You're mine, Brad!
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn!
Ew! A Band-Aid.
I've got ya, sweetie.
Good for you, Brad!
- Oh, isn't he adorable? - He's much better than my kids.
So, you think you can make me look like a fool, do you? You little bastard!
Well, guess again!
Oh, Brad! There's a piece of marzipan over here for you.
What the deuce?
Hell? Now, that's a bit much, don't you think?
I mean, sure, I've spent my entire life trying to kill my mother. But who hasn't?
You know, really, for hell this isn't that bad.
- Hi, there. I'm Steve Allen. - Oh, hello.
All right. Let's do this.
Ah!
I'm alive. I'm alive!
Oh! Stewie! My baby.
I thought I'd lost you. Oh!
I can't believe it. All these years I thought I was living in hell...
...but it gets so much worse.
This is a sign. Well, from this day forward...
Stewart Gilligan Griffin will be a good boy.
I don't understand. I was only gonna ask him to fix my collar.
Huh. Well, I wonder what they got on TV in hell.
Morning, Brian.
Beautiful day, isn't it? Kind of day that makes you glad to be alive.
- I made fudge. - Uh, okay.
Wha- Uh- What, uh-
- What are you-What are you doing? - Well, from the feel of it...
...working through quite a few years of stress.
The thing is, when I died, I got a glimpse of where I was going...
...and, well, I did not like it one bit.
Wow. I am so uncomfortable right now.
So, I've resolved to change my ways...
...because I know now who I want to be.
 I have confidence in sunshine 
 I have confidence in rain 
 I have confidence that spring will come again 
 Besides which, you see I have confidence in me 
There you are. Drink plenty of water.
- Hey, Brian. - Yeah?
Thanks for listening.
Boy, that was more disturbing than that cartoon I saw the other day.
Shh! Be "vewy," "vewy" quiet. I'm hunting "wabbits. "
Nyah, what's up, Doc?
Oh, God! Oh, God!
Oh!
Shh! Quiet! Quiet! Your father's on.
You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan.
Eh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits...
...jumpin' around there on stage half-naked...
...with your little outfits.
You're up there jumpin' around and I'm just sittin' here with my beer.
So, you know, what am I supposed to do?
What do you-What do you want? You know, are we gonna go out?
Is that what you're tryin'- Why are you... Leapin' around there...
...throwin' those things all up, um, over there in my face?
Huh? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want!
Well, I'll tell you what you want. You want nothin'.
All right?
Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone...
...and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus.
Oh! He is so right-on. Women are such teases.
That's why I went back to men.
Okay, Mom. Thanks for that. See you later.
Go on.
Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm lookin' for.
Yeah, me too. What gives with that?
And that's what really grinds my gears.
Clear. Remove my microphone.
- Great job, Mr. Griffin. - Great job, Peter.
- Just terrific. - Just fantastic.
Oh, this gig is even better than that job I had...
...providing nighttime heat for Lara Flynn Boyle.
Thanks so much, Peter.
- I was getting a little chilly. - No sweat, Lara.
Hey, you have yourself a fine sleep.
- Hey, Lara. - Yeah?
- Is Dylan McDermott nice in person? - Yeah.
Good.
So, who would like to say the blessing?
No one? Okay. I'll do it.
Um, dear Lord...
...we thank you for this food we are about to eat...
...uh, thank you for this gorgeous day...
...and thank you for letting me share it with my good friend, Brian-
...that's you.
Um...
...and that about covers it, I guess.
All right. Amen.
Sweetheart, I thought your "Grind My Gears" segment was just wonderful tonight.
Yeah! I can't believe my father's famous.
Well, honey, there's been a lot of famous Griffins...
...like my great aunt, Ella Fitzgerald Griffin.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
I'd like to introduce my accompanist for the evening...
...please say hello to young Ray Charles.
I'm blind!
- I feel ridiculous. - Well, I can't very well fit you up here, can I?
- Where are we going? - Well, there is the most absolutely perfect...
...spider web in the bushes by Cleveland's house.
- You have just got to see it. - Oh, for God's sake.
- Hey, Brian. Brian. - What?
- Knock-knock. - Oh, come on.
- Knock-knock. - Who's there?
Your friend, Stewie- and he's always gonna be there for you.
- Yes. Table for two. - I'm sorry. We have a 45-minute wait.
Oh, isn't that too bad, honey?
Because I know waiting in line at a restaurant...
...really, uh, grinds your gears.
Oh, my God! It's you!
I loved your rant about how bread is square and baloney is round.
Oh, a table just opened up.
- Hey! We've been waiting. - Shh! That's Michael Moore.
Mr. Tucker, we need this table.
But I've already ordered.
Oh, we have a private booth set up for you. This way.
- Griffin. - Diane.
I can't believe we got a table at the hottest restaurant in town...
...without a reservation.
We really are moving up in the world.
Yeah, but I'd love to see what those private booths are like.
This is totally unacceptable. How long are you going to be? I'm very hungry.
Hey, B! Rupert and I were just about to-
E- E-Excuse me. Did you just call me "B"?
Yes, B. Rupert and I were just about to dine on this mixture...
...of Play-Doh and rug hair.
- Care to join? - Oh, no, thanks.
I just thought you might be interested in seeing this.
This is the most absolutely perfectly destroyed spider web.
- Where's the spider? - Knock-knock.
- Who's there? - I ate him!
You bastard! Who the hell do you think you are?
Ha! I knew it. I knew you hadn't really changed.
Okay. So, I was faking being nice. It's not the worst thing I've done.
Ooh! Steve, it's coming right at us. Grab it!
- I don't wanna get in the way. - It's a foul ball.
What harm can it do?
Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't fight my nature.
- I'm just a hateful person. - You're not hateful.
You just need to control your anger like I do.
You mean by being sauced all day?
Wait a minute. Of course. That's it.
If I'm drunk, I'll be calm. If I'm calm, I'll be nice. If I'm nice, I won't go to hell.
Fix me a highball. I'm going to get good and tight.
Look, you can't drink. You're an infant, all right?
Besides, there are better ways to solve your problems.
Oh, I suppose you're right. Thanks, Brian. I was weak.
No problem.
Oh, my God! Do you know what it's time for?
A sexy party!
So, Brian, I- Oh, what?
- I didn't say anything. - L-I thought- Oh, I thought you interrupted me.
- Do-Don't interrupt me! - Are you okay?
I'm as okay as your face.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm s-sorry.
So, honey, what are you going to rant about today?
- Could we get a little preview? - Oh, I got a good one, Lois.
Parents who let their kids do anything they want. I hate that.
You know? Like, when I'm in a restaurant tryin' to enjoy my dinner...
...and little baby junior son-of-a-bitch over there is screaming his head off.
Parents need to control their kids.
Hey! Everybody, look! I'm gonna do- I'm gonna do something...
...that's gonna freak you out.
I'm gonna jump from this shelf to my high chair.
I'm gonna jump. You- Are y-you watching? Are you? Are you?
Stewie, don't interrupt. It grinds my gears when you do that.
Oh! He said it!
You're gon-You're gonna- You're gonna miss it.
You're gonna miss it.
Oh, G- Oh, dude.! Did you see th-that?
Did you guys- Oh, man. Look at this-
Look at this gash. Look at this gash right up the side of my leg.
Oh-ho.! Oh.! I cut myself deep.
- Oh.! It doesn't hurt though. - Uh, all right. Time for your nap.
Don't worry, Lois. I'll take him. Let's go.
God.! What- What the hell?
Why are you drag- Why are we in here?
It's rude to the... other people.
- You're drunk. - You're sexy.
Listen, you have to stop this, all right? No more drinking.
- I'm sorry I even put it in your head. - I don't know.
I don't even know what your problem is. I've never felt better.
Okay, now I've never felt better.
You know, Peter, there's gonna be a lot of people watching tonight.
Better keep your balls on the prize- Eyeballs-
On the ball. Eyes on the ball.
Take two. You know, Peter, there's gonna be...
...a lot of people watching tonight.
Better not screw up. Use take two.
Don't worry about me, Tom. I'll be fine.
We're on in three, two-
And now it's time for "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?"
- With Peter Griffin. - Thanks, Diane.
- You know what really grinds my gears? - Hey! Hey!
Those X-ray specs you used to buy out of the comics.
- Hey! Screw up! - I save up forever to buy these things...
...and when I finally get 'em yesterday, I couldn't see the inside of my son's belly.
Blah! Bah! Blah!
See, I wanted to see if he'd eaten the last Nilla wafer...
'cause I told him I wanted it.
- Boy, I tell ya, that really grinds my gears. - Pay attention to me!
I'm trying to ruin you!
You wanted to see me, sir?
You're fired, Tom. Turn in your press pass and any other studio property.
What are we doing here?
So, you like being drunk? Fine. I'm gonna get you so drunk...
...you'll never wanna drink again.
Come on.
Cold. It's so cold.
- Thanks, Horace. - Hey, is he 18?
- Horace, the drinking age is 21. - Oh.
O- Okay. Uh, uh...
...to the black man.
Thanks for taking it all in stride.
 'Cause suicide is painless 
 It brings on many changes 
 And I can take or leave it 
 If I please 
Was that- Was that good?
Oh, God. Thank you, man.
G- Get the fruit. There's more points.
- Get- Get the- Get the fruit. - I'm not gonna get the fruit.
- Get the fruit. - I can't get the fruit.
I'm not gonna get the fruit! There's a ghost right there!
I can't believe you saved all those.
L- Lois- L-Lois- You think Lois'll like these?
- You love Lois! - Shut up!
You know what? Give me your keys.
- Oh, no. I'm fine. - No, no. Give me your keys.
I'm fi- I'm drivin'.
- Give me your keys. You're too drunk. - I'm okay.
Peter- Meg- Brian. You're too- Brian, you're too drunk to drive.
L- I-I a-am- I-
You're right. Here. Here you go.
Shh!
And that's it for sports. Now let's go to Ollie Williams with Adopt-A-Pet of the week.
- Who wants this dog? - Thanks, Ollie.
And now let's go to Peter Griffin with "You Know What Really Grinds My-"
Tom! What are you doing? You don't work here anymore.
Well, Diane, I have an exclusive story-
And I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home.
- Did you check your TCP/IPsettings? - Yes, I did, Ollie.
- Enable cookies? - Yes, Ollie.
- You want this dog? - No, thank you, Ollie. Roll tape.
This was the scene at the Drunken Clam last night...
...as a car driven by an intoxicated infant...
...caused thousands of dollars-worth of damage.
Put th- Put this on my tab.
It was- It was, like, all slowed down.
You know? And I was, like, "Whoa!" But I couldn't stop it.
And who is the father of the child in that car?
Ooh.! Tom.! Tom.! I know this. I know this.
Tom, over here. Tom! Ooh! Ooh!
The man you all respect so much. Your beloved Peter Griffin.
Good thing he didn't call on me. I was gonna say "Grant Goodeve. "
Thanks, Tom. And now, neglectful father and Quahog's newest social pariah...
Peter Griffin, with another segment of"Grind My Gears. "
- Peter. - Thank you, Diane.
You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century.
Why don't they get with the freakin' program?
It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse.
Oh. Well, it appears I've been fired.
Well, as long as I'm no longer working here, let me tell you somethin'.
You know what really grinds my gears? You, America.
Fuck you! Diane.
Hey, Tom. Catch!
Did you miss Daddy? Did you miss Daddy?
Oh, no. It's all right. It's- Oh, you're shaking.
- Go away. - Huh. Little hung over?
I am never going to drink again- Ever.
I may have an occasional creme de menthe, but that's about it.
Look, kid, you can't stay in bed all- Oh, God! You're nude!
I am? What happened to my clothes?
Good Lord! What the hell did I do last night?
- I hope you learned something from all this. - I certainly did, Brian.
It seems I'm still finding myself.
Well, that's just life, Stewie. You gotta help yourself. No one's gonna do it for ya.
Yes, I suppose you're right.
It's just too bad there's not someone out there just like me...
...who understands me well enough to show me the way.
Yeah. Stewie, I'm sure there's someone out there just like you.
Yes, I've reserved a non-smoking room with a view of the bay.
No soap in the bathroom, just moist towelettes and a sleep mask.
And, um, could you send up a bouquet of orchids and a box ofToffifay?
But, for the moment, I've just got to accept the fact...
...that I'm an angry boy who'll occasionally try to burn down a house...
...or toss a poison dart at his mother.
After all, I can't let one near-death experience change my whole life, can I?
I'm glad you finally figured that out.
Although, I will say, for the record, you're a pretty fun drunk.
Well, thank God there were no long-term repercussions.
Oh! Got to play this one right, Roger. Can't seem desperate.
Wait three days- that's the rule.
Oh, God! I wanna talk to him now!
Damn!
Wow! This must be one of them new plasma TV's.
- Would you like something to drink? - I'll have water, please.
I'll have water too, but with lemon.
- I'll have a Sam Adams. - It's 9:30 in the morning.
And don't you have an outstanding D.U.I.?
Yeah, but I've gotta get the taste of weed and hooker spit out of my mouth.
I'll have a Sam Adams too.
Samuel Adams- always a good decision.
Okay, now, if I get a fax, can I stay online and still received the fax...
...without a dedicated line?
Yeah, you can put a piece of paper in here and make, like, a phone call...
...and your friend will get another piece of paper with the same picture.
Can I possibly speak to someone who didn't come to this country on a floating door?
- Can I help you? - Yes. We're here to replace our VCR.
Yeah, don't try any of your salesman funny business...
...like that guy who convinced me to buy that pet Tyrannosaurus.
Okay, Patches, now fetch!
Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Drop it. Drop it. Drop it.
Ew. It's got spit all over it.
A VCR? Let me show you something.
It's called TiVo. It always records what your watching...
...so, you can re-watch anything you missed.
Oh! Sounds fancy. How does it work?
I'll tell ya how it works. Easy as pie, is how it works.
- Should I ring it up? - Hold on. Hold on.
I think we should discuss it first.
Some kind of palsy.
Anyway, that's how I saved Christmas.
Yeah, go ahead and bag this thing for us.
Ah! Sweet, Quagmire. You got a Winnebago.
You mean a "Wanna-bang-o"!
How clever.
Yeah, I'm gonna take her across the country...
...and bang a different broad in every state.
- Also, gonna go to Vegas. - Oh, we went to Vegas once.
Remember, Lois? We saw theJew Man group?
Dad, what are you doing?
I'm fast-forwarding through this pesky TV show so I can get to the commercials.
Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes.
It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family.
I can't sleep at night.
The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog.
Two weeks ago, I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife.
Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years.
Who the hell did I hit?
Lunch is ready! Come and get it!
Hey, what do you think it is, boogers on a biscuit?
That's prob-That's probably what it is.
We now go live to the streets of San Francisco...
...with Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa.
- Diane, is she Chinese orJapanese? - She's Japanese, Tom.
Wow. I know a Japanese woman.
Tom, I'm standing here amidst the heated debate...
...over a recent petition to change the name of the city...
...from San Francisco to something a little less gay.
Excuse me, sir. What would you like to rename San Francisco?
Well, given the wonderful shoe shopping, I would cast my vote for "Heaven. "
- Who the hell was that? - What?
I say, press the button. Make it stop. Oh, my God.
- He looks just like me. - You know what? He does.
- Almost looks like he could be your father. - He could be my father.
My real father. I knew it!
Lois must have mated with this poor fellow.
I've got to get out to California.
I dare say, I'd fit right in with the kids from 90210-
...even the older-looking one.
Boy, that test sure is gonna be hard tomorrow.
You said it, Donna. Hey, Andrea, can you help me study?
- What? - I said, "Can you help me study?"
Dylan, I fixed your socks.
Hey, Andrea, are we still goin' to the concert?
This used to be all orange groves, far as the eye could see.
Okay. So, I'll pick you up at 7:00.
Barbara Stanwyck and I used to take the trolley.
Hey, Lois.! Thought you might be in the mood for a classic.
 Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Spider-Man 
 Spider-Man 
 Here comes Peter on the clothesline but his name's not Peter 
 It is Spider-Man Spider-Man 
 Come on, Lois Let's get busy, maybe in the garden right here 
 Spider-Man Spider-Man 
 Touch my can with your hand Spider-Man 
Oh! Help! Spider-Man.
I'm being attacked by the evil rosebush.
Ah! I'll save you, MaryJane!
- Oh, my God! - I don't know what they're fighting about...
...but I think Dad's winning.
- Go, Dad! - Kids, can we have some privacy, please?
Yeah, you guys are more annoying than that announcer on those TV commercials.
Wacky, waving, inflatable-arm-flailing tube man.!
Hi, I'm Al Harrington, president and C.E.O. Of Al Harrington's...
Wacky, Waving, Inflatable-Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse.
Thanks to a shipping error, I am now currently overstocked...
...on wacky, waving inflatable-arm-flailing tube men...
...and I am passing the savings on to you!
Attract customers to your business, make a splash at your next presentation...
...keep Grandma company, protect your crops, confuse your neighbors.
African-American? Hail a cab, testify in church orjust raise the roof.
Whatever your wacky, waving inflatable-arm-flailing tube man needs are.
So, come on down to Al Harrington's...
Wacky, Waving Inflatable-Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse.
Route 2 in Weekapaug!
Please forgive me, Mr. Oinkbaum. You will be missed.
- There we are. - What are you doing?
None of your bees wax, Ramona.
But if you must know, I need a plane ticket to San Francisco.
Good luck. Plane tickets are about 450 bucks.
400- Brian, hit me in the mouth.
- What? Why? - I hear this Tooth Fairy gives you money for your teeth.
- Have at it. - Uh, okay.
No, no! Don't, don't, don't! Stop. Stop.
- Why did you stop? I said, "Hit me. " - You flinched.
Well, of course I flinched. You were going to hit me.
- Well, make up your mind. What do you want me to do? - Hit me.
No, no. D-Don't.
I'm sorry. Look, I know I'm being hard to read-
Hey! You there! Buy this yellow drink.
Hey, preggo. Preggo. Hey, I'm talkin' to you, tubby.
Oh, don't you ignore me. Ooh!
Pardon me, sir. Sir? Sir? Oh, the hell with this.
So, we had to do it the hard way, hmm?
Six bucks? Nice-looking wife you've got.
Maybe I'll look her up while you're in the hospital.
Don't forget your lemonade.
Oh, there you are. I thought you should-
- What are you doing? - Paying bills.
- What bills? You have bills? - Well, there's cable and-
- Peter pays for the cable! - It's at this, uh- It's at this girl's house.
- Do you want something? - Yes. I'm still short for my trip.
I've only got $200. I suggest you pony up the difference immediately...
...or I'll e-mail the contents of your hard drive to the F.B.I.
What are you talking about? There's nothing on there.
Stewie, why is it so hard to accept that Peter's your real father?
Because he's an idiot.
You remember that time he went to the Today show.
Coming up on Today. Tom Cruise has a new movie. We're gonna be talking to him.
Katie.
- Funnyman Al Franken will be stopping by for a visit. - Katie!
- And Wolfgang Puck shares his recipe for apple strudel. - Katie!
So stay tuned because we've got all this and more coming up in the next hour.
Katie!
- What? - Oh, well, never mind.
- Care to join me, Lois? - Ah!
Uh, Peter, how am I supposed to-
- Oh, oh, oh. Sorry. Sorry. Where are my manners? - Oh, What a gentleman.
There ya go.
- Oh! Oh, God. You okay, honey? - Yeah, I'm all right.
Oh, this is nice.
Mom, Meg says Omar Sharif is dead, but I think she's thinkin' of Anthony Quinn.
Chris, your father and I are in the tub.
And, Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn. Now, get out!
Peter, this is ridiculous. We have no privacy here.
We gotta get those kids outta the house once in a while.
- Shouldn't they be dating? - Aw, that doesn't solve the problem, Lois.
If they start datin', I mean, their rooms are right next to each other.
They'll start havin' sex. We'll never get 'em outta the house.
No, no, you idiot. I'm talking about them dating other people.
Look, I'm gonna start spending some time with Chris...
...and I'll show him how to attract a woman.
Yeah, and I'll spend some time with Meg.
I've spent lots of time with her...
...like when we went on our last crusade to find the Holy Grail.
- Choose wisely. - Uh, I choose this one.
- How did you know? - Well, I kinda figured...
...the coffee mug that says "Jesus. "
- Oh, right. Right. - Pretty obvious.
Great. Let's kiss on it.
Come here, you.
Oh! You bleedin'? Yeah, you're bleedin'.
Don't tell me you're goin' to California on that.
Bicycling is hard, but it has its benefits.
Did you know Lance Armstrong is dating Sheryl Crow?
You know, it really speaks to her character that she can get past...
...the whole "he had cancer" thing...
...and still find him sexually attractive.
Really speaks to her character. L- I respect that.
Hey, Brian, what do ya think of my sign?
"Quagmire's Cross-country Tour. " Uh, isn't there an "O" in "country"?
Nope. Look out, California. Here I come.
California!
- What are you doing? - Well, you heard Captain Syphilis.
- We're going to California. - Oh, come on. You can't go alone with Quagmire.
Look, I'll tell you what. If you're serious about this, I'll go with you.
Although I should probably ask Peter and Lois if it's okay.
Oh, they won't even know we're gone.
Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce?
I am a tool. Stewie is much better than me at everything...
...including arts and crafts and the guitar.
I have no friends.
- Glad you guys are joinin' me. - Did you guys see Three Men and a Baby?
- Yeah. - There's a ghost in there behind the window.
That's an urban legend. It's just a piece of cardboard.
- No, it's a ghost. I heard. - You heard from who?
- From, uh... Lois. - Yeah, right.
- Cleveland? Death? - No. No.
- Greased-up Deaf Guy? - He said that?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ow! Damn it!
- What are you doing? - Your knight was at king's rook six.
No, my bishop was at king's rook six. My knight was at queen five.
- No, no, no. It was- - Yes. Yes.
No. In your dreams your knight was at queen five.
- I was sitting right- - I saw right-
- Yeah- - Oh! Look at that! Look at that!
Now your knight is at refrigerator five.
- That's real mature. - Yeah, well, who comes out a winner? Me.
Griffin once again.
Undefeated champion of the world!
You know, San Francisco is a big place.
Have you thought about how you're gonna find this guy?
Simple, Brian. Look at this.
My God! This poor fellow had relations with Lois.
That's more disgusting than my cousin Quark Griffin.
I'm watching your every move, Quark, so don't think you can get away with any law-breaking.
- Yeah, yeah. Whatever, man. - I mean it!
- You'll have me to deal with. - Ooh! I'm really scared.
I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive.
Hey, here's an idea-
Why don't you morph into a guy with something interesting to talk about?
Kids, your mother and I have decided we're gonna help you two get out in the dating world.
That's right.
Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man...
...who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
- Why you gotta break balls? - Meg, when I get through with you...
...you're gonna be beatin' guys off with both hands.
- This is gonna be so fun! - Hey! Zip it.
Rule number one: No speakee until the man speakee to you.
I say, are we moving on yet?
Just hang out, little guy. I'll see you in a while.
Oh, very well. I suppose I'll go pump the chemical toilet.
Apparently you're about to do the same.
What the hell is taking him so long?
I'm missing precious time with my father.
Which one of these is the horn?
That's not it.
That's not it either.
- Do something. - I'm afraid to press anything else.
Okay, Meg, lesson one for attracting a man.
- I want you to shave my back. - Eew! Why would I want to do that?
Trust me, Meg. Shave a man's back for him and he'll purr like a walrus.
All right, Chris, now that we've talked about kissing and cuddling...
...it's time to practice eating out...
...at a fancy restaurant!
All right, that's it.
Listen, you pervert, what the devil is taking so lo-
- Good lord! - Oh, Stewie. Thank God.
That cleaning lady cleaned me out. She took all my money.
Grab those keys over there, will ya?
What, these keys? These keys here?
These the ones you want? Hmm?
Up yours!
What the hell are you doing? Where's Quagmire?
- He said to go without him. - We're stealing the Winnebago, aren't we?
Oh, you can read me like a book, Brian.
Breaker-breaker, Sidewinder. This is Party Pooper.
Don't want to be a ratchet jaw...
...but looks like we've got a seat cover feeding the bears in a chicken coop, come on.
Dad, why are we just sitting here?
Just give me a minute, Meg.
- What am I supposed to be learning about dating from... Ahh.
Oh, my God, Dad! You farted!
- That is so nasty! - No! No, no, Meg!
Meg, this is crucial. All right?
The sexiest thing a woman can do for a man is learn to love his gas.
Love the gas, Meg. Love it!
No, Meg! No, no! This is why we're here.
This is why we're here.
Chris, you've gotta learn how to talk to girls.
So I'll ask you again: What are the names of the women on Sex and the City?
Uh... Carrie...
Miranda, uh...
Samantha and...
...uh, Scrappy-Doo?
- Hit him, Endo. - Aaah! Aaah! Aah!
Bosley? Uh, Tootie? Uh, Sheena Easton?
Aaah! Aaah!
Think we should go back for Quagmire?
He'll be all right. He's resourceful.
Damn it!
Yeah.! Okay.! Yeah.!
That's it.! Again.! Yeah.!
All right!
- Are you all right? - Never better!
I got some pep pills from a trucker at the last stop!
- Keeps me awake! - You took pills?
West coast turnarounds! Trucker said to only take one, but I took all of them!
- Maybe you should slow down. - Why? We're making good time!
- We're not even on the road! - Huh?
- I said, we're not even on the road! - Don't need to be!
Compass says west. That's where we're headed.
- Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert. - I know!
Imagine the nads on those guys who did this on a wagon!
Pioneers, Brian! We share their spirit! Manifest Destiny!
- All right, that's it. Give me the wheel. - Go to hell!
This is horrible.
- I'm so thirsty. - Oh, my God, Brian. Do you see what I see?
A Dr. Pepper machine?
Yes! Oh, I can taste it now!
Damn it. It was a mirage.
Oh, a RC Cola machine.
- Oh, that's it! I give up! - What do you mean?
I never should have attempted this in the first place.
- It was stupid! - Hey, hey. Come on, now.
- You've come this far. Haven't you? - It's no use!
Even if my real father is out there, he probably doesn't want to see me.
You gotta see this through to the end.
Maybe this guy is your real father. Maybe not.
But if you don't find out, you're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering.
Well, maybe you're right.
Come on. I'll stick by you the whole way...
...just like I did when we were Siamese twins.
Hey, look at that woman, Brian. She has no business in shorts.
Hey! You have no business in shorts!
Ooh, tortillas! Let's do soft tacos tonight.
Well, we've taught you well, children. It's in God's hands now.
Now go to the mall and find yourself some dates.
Find a girl who smokes. Remember, if she smokes, she pokes.
Bye, kids.
- Do you think they're ready, Peter? - I don't care.
- All I care about is that we have our alone time. - Me too.
- Are we terrible people? - Nah, nah. We're not terrible people, Lois.
Horses are terrible people.
Murder! Murder!
Well, we made it. San Francisco.
I bet this city's filled with kooky roommates...
...like the kind you see all living together on TV.
- Hey, Lion-O, what's going on? - I'm not sure, Cheetara.
But I've got a bad feeling Mumm-Ra's up to something.
Hmm. I'll be right back. I'm gonna use the john.
Eye of Thundera, give me sight beyond sight.
Lion-O, what are you doing? Snarf! Snarf!
Oh, hey, uh- Not much, not much.
You want to get wasted or something?
Let's split up and try to find him.
Yeah, I just checked in. Yeah, I might lose you. I just got in the elevator.
Yeah, I'm gonna grab a shower.
D- Did you guys eat yet?
No- No, I'll- No, I'll just take a cab.
You got your car?
Do you wanna pick me up?
Do you- Do you wanna- Do you wanna pick me up?
Do you wanna pick me up?
Father!
Aah! Utedi.! Utedi.!
Filthy creatures.
Whoa-ohh!
Damn! Why is there always a fruit stand?
High-speed pursuit in progress...
...headed south on Powell toward Market Street.
You heard him, people. Powell and Market. Move it!
I feel like I've searched this whole bloody city.
I suppose this means I'll never find the answer to who I really am.
Oh, well. See you gents later.
Free Tibet. No grapes. All that.
Dude, I could have sworn that Nerf football was just talkin' to me.
- Are you done with the arts section? - Of course.
- Oh, my God! - Oh, dear.
Oh, dear, oh, dear. This is not good.
This is very bad. Very bad.
Oh, Daddy, I knew I'd find you! I knew Peter couldn't be my real father!
No, no, no. You've gotten it all wrong, Stewie.
Stewie? How do you know my name?
Because I'm not your father. I'm you.
What the hell is this?
Looks like an intermission, a chance to stretch the legs.
Oh, man, I peed in this cup for nothin'?
Dad, I just kicked over your Coke.
I look atrocious.! Did you see my ass? Oh, my God.!
This stinks.! I can't believe they cut my whole sex scene.!
It was so tastefully done.!
Peter, could you go to the concession stand? I want something to suck on.
Giggedy-giggedy.!
Hey, Quagmire, you think we got time to go outside and burn one?
It's not over yet? How long is this thing?
Chris, do you have a shower scene? Or do I have to keep dreamin'?
Mmm.
All right, we're back.
You're me from the future? That's absurd.
I'm afraid it's true, Stewie.
I'm the man you dreamed you'd be when you were alone in your bedroom...
...planning world domination and singing Donna Summer into your hairbrush.
 Tell him to just get out 
 Nothin' left to talk about 
 Pack his raincoat Show him out 
Just look him in the eyes and simply shout 
 Enough is enough Is enough 
 I can't go on I can't go on no more now 
 Enough is enough Is enough 
 I want him out I want him out that door now 
It is you- Uh, me!
Oh, God, I have to many questions about the future. Is all food in pill form?
Do they have flying cars? Did they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne?
I can't answer those questions. I'm not even supposed to be talking to you.
- It's a violation of the terms of my vacation. - Vacation?
Yes. In the future, people take vacations not to destinations, but to periods of time.
Just last summer I went back to visitJesus Christ.
Turns out his abilities might have been exaggerated a bit.
I've already said enough. I should be getting back.
You can't just leave me. I must know my future.
Sorry. It's against the rules. Good-bye, Stewie.
Surprise!
Oh, this is just great.
I can't believe it! This is the future-
Wait a minute. Everything looks the same.
- Well, of course. It's only been 30 years. - Where are the monuments to me?
Where are my legions of followers?
I thought I'd be absolute ruler of the world by now, far away from that house full of idiots.
Sorry, Stewie. I abandoned my quest for world domination long ago.
Well, am I at least a city councilman or something?
- Sorry. - Oh, this is nothing like I imagined.
I thought the future would be different...
...with jet packs, eco-domes and TV they can beam right into your head.
Uh, give me Mork and Mindy.
That's not how you sit in a chair!
I'm late to Sunday dinner with the family.
You'll have to wait in the car until I can send you back.
Wait in the car? I shall do no such thing.
- Hey, did they ever unfreeze Walt Disney? - Ugh. Unfortunately.
Welcome back, Mr. Disney.
- Are theJews gone yet? - Uh, no.
Put me back in.
Put some pants on. The kids'll be here any minute.
In a second, Lois. I'm watching the Britney Spears comeback concert.
Hi, everybody!
I may have lost a foot to diabetes...
...but I'm still sexy, y'all!
Now I'm gonna dance for ya!
- Oh, Stew. My big boy. - Hello, Mother!
She's still alive? What the hell, man?
I brought a guest.
This is, um, uh, Pablo, a child from Nicaragua I've been sponsoring.
My! How wonderful!
Me gusta Nicaragua.
Mmm, yes. Is that where you got that leather handbag?
Oh, I'm sorry. That's your face! Ha ha! Oh! Got you!
Thirty years later, I still freaking got you!
Oh, God! I feel as invincible as Superman.
Hey there, Wonder Woman.
Flying your invisible plane, I see.
Boy, this is awkward.
I'm- I'm, uh, actually in the lavatory of the invisible plane.
- Oh. You mean, right now you're- - Yeah.
I couldn't help but notice you didn't wash your hands in the invisible sink.
Hi, everybody. Sorry we're late.
Stop fuckin' apologizing. You sound like a fuckin' woman.
I suppose one of you has to.
- Oh, what a nice blouse, Vanessa. - Chris's wife.
Oh, thanks. I'm not sure my tiny brain could've put that one together.
Mom, I notice your hedges are pushing out onto the curb, and that's a violation.
And your tags are expired, and one of your taillights is busted.
I'm not gonna run you in, but I will if you don't give me a cookie.!
- Here you go, sweetie. - Yea!
Yeah, that's what that fat pig needs- a fuckin' cookie.
Hi, Vanessa. Well, don't you look nice-
Oh, no! I broke my hip!
- You need some help, Dad? - No, I'm good.
Oh, are these the pictures from your trip to Sonoma?
Oh, my God! Oh, look how beautiful the countryside is.
Oh, I'd love to get a house out there if I had the money!
That was a swell vacation. Much better than that time I was stuck on that island with Bono.
Bono, stop screwin' around...
...and open up that damn crate of food.
I'm saving this for the starvin' children of the world in case we get rescued.
Yeah, you know what? That's us. We're starvin'. Now open it up!
- I can't do that, Peter. It's for the starvin' children.
Aha!
I'm just makin' sure it tastes good for the starvin' children.
Knock knock.
- Oh, hi, Ron. - Who is that fellow? He looks so familiar.
It's Meg. She had a sex change right after college.
Wow! She went to college?
I can't stay too late. I gotta go shop for a razor.
You know, for my face, where I grow my beard.
We get it. You're a guy.
- What is this one, my prom? - Oh, yes. That's Shirley Blitt.
We couldn't do any dancing because of her club foot, but the punch was delicious.
I think somebody put mango in it.
Isn't it funny that I remember that after all these years?
Well, there he is.
Oh, this is fantastic!
That's not really appropriate, Stewie.
Oh, of course it is. I loathed that know-it-all, flea-bitten mutt.
No, it's just that the meaning of that word has changed ever since President Douchebag.
Thank you!
I just received a call from my worthy opponent, Senator Daterape.
No, no. He ran a good campaign...
...but the people of America have spoken...
...and they're saying they want four more years of Douchebag!
Douchebag! Douchebag! Douchebag! Douchebag!
That is some fuckin' good dinner, Mrs. Griffin.
Thank you.
Excuse me. I'm gonna go help Peter with the dishes.
Ron, Stu, I need your help.
I need you two to tell those parents of yours they're moving into a retirement home...
'cause Mr. Empty Sac over here won't do it.
Stu, you don't want Mom and Dad to go to a retirement home, do you?
Well, u-uh, it's, uh-
I- Stu, could you help me with the dishes?
Be right there, Mother!
Actually, Vanessa- Stu, I need your help! There are dishes everywhere!
Oh, sorry. Must go.
Well, I can't do it to 'em. They're my parents.
Don't you ever want to inherit this house, you fat fuck?
Or am I the only one who has any desire to move out from under the fucking power lines?
What's that? Oh, it's cancer!
Can we please not do this in front of Pablo?
Ah, screw him! That fuckin' kid's from Guam.
Probably only speaks Spanish or some shit.
Let me tell you something, 'Nessa- a bullet sounds the same in every language.
So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow!
You can crash at my place tonight, but tomorrow we're going to get you back home.
Well, welcome to Chez Stu.
Dear God, this is where I live?
- All alone in a filthy hovel? - Well, I wouldn't exactly say "alone. "
Let me introduce my roommate.
He's sometimes late on the rent...
...and never shy about sharing the gas bill, if you know what I mean.
Did you just make a fart joke?
Hey, Stu, got big plans for tonight?
Sure do, Rupert. I'm finally going to organize my photo albums.
Yeah, right!
I say, what happened to his leg? Oh, wait, now I remember.
You are gonna sit there and tell me a flat tax doesn't favor the wealthy?
Not one bit, and it saves millions of man-hours...
...that the complexity of the current tax code wastes...
...which you would realize if you weren't retarded.
Hey, give him back. Stop that. What are you doing?
- Give me back his leg. - Oh, you'll get it back.
This is my bulletin board where I put all my favorite comic strips.
See, look. Here's the Lockhorns.
Mrs. Lockhorn is saying, "We're never going to another yard sale,"
...because Mr. Lockhorn has clearly purchased a tuba!
And from the look on her face...
I'd say he's not playing it very well at all.
You get it?
You got these from Parade magazine?
You read Parade magazine? Ohhh!
Hey, Stu! It's Monday, which can only mean one thing!
Go-Gurt Day!
Oh, Fran, this is Pablo from Nicaragua.
Pablo, this is Fran. She is hilarious.!
Hey, Pablo. Just kiddin'!
I told you! She's so twisted!
Well, I'd better get back to my department...
...before Genghis the day manager makes his rounds.
Genghis the day mana- Is that from something, or did you just make that up?
- I just made it up! - Oh-ho-ho!
Oh! All day long.
- Well, I guess it's not all bad. - What do you mean?
Don't be coy, you dirty horndog. You're humping Fran.
Tell me, how many times have we gotten into those Lane Bryant stretch pants?
- What? Never. - Damn right, never- What do you mean, never?
Stewie, I've never slept with any woman.
I've never had sex.
All right, that's it!
I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job.
But now you're telling me I'm a 35-year-old, Parade magazine-reading virgin?
Well, you, sir, are pathetic!
So forget about sending me back, because I'm not leaving until we do a complete overhaul...
...on this sad thing you call a life.
- Can I still read Parade? - No, you cannot still read Parade!
We've got a big day of overhauling your life ahead.
First we've got to fix up this apartment- Stop that.
- What? - Why are you staring at my genitals?
I'm not allowed to tell you anything about your own future, but I will say this-
Enjoy your left testicle while you can.
- What? - I've said too much.
So, what do you think?
I've got to hand it to you. It really is an improvement.
And you haven't even seen the best part.
Stress-release candles for those extra-tough days at the office.
You don't know the half of it. On Tuesdays I work Returns.
I bought this boom box here, and it's got this high-pitched whine.
Well, let's have a look.
Ha-ha! It's yours now, sucker!
All right, now that you've got a swinging pad, it's time to bring Fran back here...
...and, um, you know.
- What? - Well, I have no idea.
- I thought you knew. - No, I have no idea.
You're the adult here. I was counting on you to know the mechanics, because-
Well, let's face it, as a baby all I've got to go on is beer commercial innuendo...
...and that myth about where babies come from.
Oh, my God! The stork!
Where's my baby?
Sweetie, you and me are gonna make the baby.
Which Law and Order is this?
This is Law and Order: P.C.A.M.P.I.E.O.F. T.D. -
Petty Crimes Against Municipal Property In Excess of Five Thousand Dollars.
Oh, that kid's spraying graffiti.
That is not gonna be cheap to have that wall repainted.
Kids, what are you doing here?
Mom, Dad, Vanessa wants us to put you guys in a retirement home.
But I think it's ridiculous.
A retirement home?
Now, Vanessa says it's not that bad, Mom.
She says they have people there who will wipe your bottom.
You gotta be yankin' me. That is sweet!
That doesn't sound ridiculous at all, Meg.
My name is Ron.
Oh, I wish Brian were here. He'd never let you put us in a home.
Oh, but at least he's in a better place now.
Wow, look at me.
Hanging out drinking with Ernest Hemingway, Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain.
Still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have.
Well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself.
I could not reconcile my passion...
...with the way people around me were living, so I shot myself.
I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism...
...so I shot myself.
Yeah, I, uh, I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate.
My word!
Yes, evidently the razor wasn't invented till sometime in the late '80s.
Okay, then let's begin.
And here we go. And watch my hand. And one, two, three.
Put it in, take it out. Put it in, take it out.
 I am the monarch of the sea 
 The ruler of the queen's navy 
 Whose praise Great Britain loudly chants 
 And we are his sisters and his cousins and his aunts 
Good, you've got the rhythm. Now try it with Swiss cheese. Take it from the top.
I really enjoyed the movie tonight.
- And I'm not tired at all. - Oh, yeah? Good, good.
I enjoyed the movie too.
Oh, hey, I hear they're extending our store hours until 9:30.
Oh, that's, um-
...that's great.
- Let's have sex! - What? - Definitely!
I'll be right back.
- What is wrong with you? I can't go through with this. - Why the hell not?
L- I-I'm too nervous.
I'm putting in my diaphragm.!
- See? I don't even know what that is. - Get in there!
- No! No! - You listen to me.
You listen to me, Stewart Griffin.
You march in there right now and...
"insert your phallus into her vagina. "
Go!
L- I'm sorry. That's, um-
That's never happened to me before.
Which part? The eight seconds of sex, or the 40 minutes of crying?
Uh, I guess both.
Do I- Do I give you money or something?
Yeah, I'm gonna go.
Eight seconds! That's twice as good as you did in rehearsal.
Stu, I heard from Juan in Car Stereo Installation about what you did to Fran.
Interoffice sex is prohibited...
...regardless of how hilariously brief and unsatisfying it was.
You're fired.
- Fired? Oh, this is not good. - Oh, dear.
This is almost as bad as when Peter got fired as the first director of Terms of Endearment.
Kids, I don't have much time left...
...and I can't talk for too long 'cause I get real upset.
I want you to make a lot of friends...
...and be real nice to the girls- They're gonna be real important to you after I'm gone.
Sweet.
Oh, cheer up. You didn't need that crappy job anyway.
You are not allowed to speak. You have ruined everything!
Nice. I donate my time trying to fix your pathetic life, and this is the thanks I get?
Well, it's not the first gift that's ever gone unappreciated.
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.
Oh, Peter, thank you!
An arcade-style Galaga machine.
Oh, thank you, Peter-
Move!
Look, all right, I'll admit that maybe things haven't gone exactly to plan.
We'll go home and regroup and hit 'em hard tomorrow.
Good lord! My apartment!
Looks like the cause of the fire were these stress-release candles.
Huh!  Irony 
I don't know, Peter. This place is pretty depressing.
What are you talking about? It's just like old times. Hey, Cleveland.
Hello...
Peter.
Hey, Joe, how are things since the operation?
Oh, great, Peter.
Who would have guessed I'd be one of the few not in a wheelchair?
I sure do miss Bonnie though.
It's amazing they were able to give you her legs.
 Who wears short shorts  I wear short shorts!
Hey, Glenn. How's the arthritis?
Ah, not bad. Course, since you walked in I'm feelin' a little stiff!
Giggedy-gigg- Oh! I just pooped a little.
Oh, that's nasty.
Um, hey, you know what I do when I'm feeling down?
I play the glad game.
I think about all the things that make me glad. Let's try it, shall we?
Um... Pinwheels.
A big wedge of cake from the fair.
A doodad to wear in your hat.
All right, I'm sorry. It's all my fault.
No, it's my fault.
My whole life's been a mess ever since that near-death experience.
- I mean, nothing goes right- - Wait, wait, wait.
Near-death experience? At the community pool?
- But that was nothing. - Well, that's what I thought at first.
But around the time of my 20th birthday I started having nightmares.
Then my therapist said I've been suppressing some very complex emotions...
...that may well have caused me to take fewer risks.
Well, then, it seems there's only one thing to do.
I must return to the past...
...to ensure I never have the close call with that lifeguard tower in the first place.
Oh, I just thought of another one for the glad game.
The first scissor cut into a fresh piece of construction paper.
Oh, yeah!
Here's what we do.
You buy me one of those time-travel watches...
...and I'll go back to my own time and stop that near-death experience.
- I can't afford one. I don't have a job, thanks to you. - How hard is it to get a new job?
Even I had that job at the airport.
Jonny Quest.
Okay. Welcome aboard.
Dr. Benton Quest.
All right. Have a good flight.
Hadji. Hmm.
Um, listen, you've been randomly selected for additional screening.
But you didn't even type anything in.
If it were up to me, you'd be on that flight.
But, uh, I'm gonna need you to take off your shoes and that lovely, uh, hat.
- Sim-sim-salabim.! - Yeah, I'd cut back on that.
We'll have to borrow the money from Mommy and Daddy.
- Aaah! - Never call them that again!
- It's Lois and the fat man! Do you hear me? - Yes! Yes!
Smells like Head & Shoulders. But you don't have dandruff.
- Exactly! - Ah!
- And now here's Diane with a look at traffic. - Thanks, Tom.
There was a major pile-up in the ambulatory wing this morning...
...when one of the residents vomited in the hallway.
And in international news, I'm fairly certain that Filipino nurse is stealing from me.
Oh, hey, you two.
- What brings you here? - Lois, Pablo here needs your help.
Can we drop the whole Pablo thing?
- Do you think I don't remember my own little Stewie? - You clever, clever shrew!
Stu, you could get in a lot of trouble for this.
Take him back to his own time.
Well, that's why we're here. I need a loan.
Done. This is a secret account Peter can't access.
I never could trust him with money.
Like the time he spent Meg's college money on that medieval catapult.
Hey!
Excellent. These dominoes are set up exactly as I want them, right next to the good china.
Now I'll just place this priceless Fabergι egg in the center...
...right next to my newborn hemophiliac baby.
- Hey, those yours? - Yes.
Oh. Those are all really nice things.
Thank you. You hear that, Evan? We were complimented.
Take as much money as you need, but there's a couple of conditions.
On your way back to the past, make sure Chris never marries that bitch Vanessa.
And I want a promise that I won't spend my old age in a place like this.
Oh, believe me, Lois, I promise you will never end up in a retirement home.
All right, let's do this.
Well, I suppose this is it.
I just hit me that if you are successful in preventing our near-death experience...
...it'll turn me into an entirely different Stu.
Then you know what you should do?
Since the time line is going to change anyway, you should get really fat.
Go buy a whole pint of ice cream and shovel down the whole thing. I mean, just really pig out.
Ooh, that's brilliant!
Hey, and if the city thinks I'm paying this parking ticket, they are dreaming!
No, I'm not really gonna do it, you know, just in case.
- Good-bye, Stewie. - So long, Stu.
And if anyone has any objection to this union of Chris and Vanessa...
...let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Uh, I do.
So, don't let this keep you from enjoying the reception...
...where I'm sure they'll be playing the Chicken Dance.
So enjoy the Chicken Dance.
Damn! I overshot it!
1974. University of Denver.
I say, Condoleezza Rice goes here.
Damn! I ain't never gonna let the Man get me down, crazy crackers!
Black Panthers stand tall!
Mmm!
Blast! This isn't the pool either!
But at least I've arrived on the correct date.
Only 30 minutes before the tower falls!
Damn! I've got to get to that swim meet!
Huh?
Hi. Stewie Griffin. Stewie Griffin. Hi. How are you?
Huh?
Smells good. Dinner's ready.
Probably shouldn't have milked that landing.
Don't... press that.
Future... 35-year-old virgin...
Fran! Fran!
- Fran! - What the devil?
Yes! I did it! I stopped the tower from falling!
- Who are you? - I'm you, from the future.
From the future? My word!
Did they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne?
Oh, that's so funny. I asked that very same question and never got an answer.
Well, then you're as disposable as she is!
Oh, come on, my little champion.
Oh, my God! At least have the decency to carry me, you lazy skank!
Of course, it is comfortable-
Hey, thanks again for explaining football to me, Mr. - Sorry. I didn't catch your name.
- You can call me Ron. - Ron, huh?
You know, I've always really liked that name- Ron.
Oh. Oh. Oh, come on.
Come on. Come on!
Come on! Oh! Oh! That's it!
That's it. That's it. Yes. Yes! Yes!
Eat my dust, Crash Bandicoot!
- Tom, you're on in two. - Good evening.
For you people just joining us after fast-forwarding through the "movie"...
...to get to the extra material...
...we're covering the Family Guy wrap party.
We're going live to the Drunken Clam...
...where Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is having a few drinks...
...and reportedly loved the movie long time.
- Tricia? - Thank you, Diane.
I think "mildly entertained" would be the best way to describe the reaction...
...here at the after-party.
Horace the bartender has really outdone himself with the decorations.
There are balloons and streamers.
Now let's get some reactions from these huge Family Guy fans.
How'd you like the movie, sir?
It sucked. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it?
Who do I see about getting the last two hours of my life back?
If I wanted to hear 81 minutes of gay bashin'...
I would've gone to my father's house.
Terrific. And here comes the family of the hour.
Will there be a sequel? Is it true you're running for mayor?
Do you think Capone and his cronies will rule the streets of Chicago forever?
I'm standing here with Peter Griffin.
Peter, congratulations on your big night.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Hey, how's Mr. Eddie's father doin'?
That's fresh.
Peter, how do you respond to the accusations...
...that you were responsible for the series' cancellation?
Well, the show had been on for a while.
I was talking to Alan Alda, and he said the same thing that Doc Cosby told me-
...that it was my face out there, and I should take creative control.
So I did. We pushed the envelope, creatively, and I stand by my work.
Peter, can we cut? This isn't workin' for me.
Who yells cut, Cleveland? The only one who yells cut is the director.
Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her.
But don't make me go through all this bullshit.
You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin.
Did I miss my cue?
Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode.
- Hi, Mom. - Hi, Chris.
Wrong! It's wrong!
Still, that said, I'm not the one who put us up against Friends and Survivor.
What have you been doing since?
I had a couple of part-time jobs that didn't work out.
I thought you could go in the suit, like the astronauts.
I thought you could go in the suit...
...like the astronauts.
- Hey, I gotta take a leak. - Peter!
If you open that suit, you'll die.
Right, right. What are you trying to do, get me fired?
And your wife Lois is looking very lovely.
How does it feel to be back?
It feels good. It was a very dark period for me for a while.
- License and registration. - Fuck you!
Do you know who I am?
I'm afraid I don't, ma'am.
Please give me your license and registration.
- Ma'am, what are you doing? - I'm gonna kick your ass.
Oww! Oww!
All right!
So, who's gettin' married, huh? You?
All right, sweetheart. We're gonna have some fun.
Here we go!
Aah!
How do I know if I want it if I can't taste it?
- Do you know who I am? - Bonnie Franklin?
Aaah!
No, you were great! Ha-ha-ha!
My analyst said I should take advantage of the time...
...and do something I'd always wanted to do, so I competed in the Iditarod.
Hyah! Hyah!
We gonna take a bathroom break?
We gonna- We gonna, uh-
Bathroom? Oh, God.
So I worked on my novel and spent some time getting to know my fans.
You know, give something back to the people who got me where I am.
Brian, this is my friend Anne-Michelle.
Anne-Michelle! Hey! What are you drinkin'?
'Cause I see you already ordered the hot sauce.
Hey, bartender, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here?
Now do Peter.
Ooh, hey. Forgot my wallet. Can one of you guys get this?
Um, I did a guest spot on The West Wing.
It's not normally what I do, but I really got a chance to flex my dramatic muscle.
I got eight guys from Tallahassee who want this bill pushed through.
What's the latest on those refugees? They off the coast yet?
We're getting a lot of Internet chatter. We can justify raising the threat level.
What you do on your own time is not my business...
...but, damn it, when you're here I want you to maintain a professional veneer.
I need to talk toJerry about how we're gonna spin the unemployment numbers.
Get my wife on the phone! Tell her I changed my mind. The blue dress is fine.
And I need the briefing for that meeting on the situation in Argentina!
I found it! I found the cheese!
Oh, boy! Cheese!
I love you, cheese.
I did a lot of things, but the thing I think I'm most proud of...
...is when I volunteered to entertain the troops.
 If I could turn back time 
 If I could find a way 
 I'd take back 
 Those words that hurt you 
 And you'd stay 
 If I could reach the stars 
 I'd give 'em all to you 
And you'd love me Love me 
Like you used to do 
And, Stewie, we all know you kept busy.
Oh, yes, it was exhausting...
...between shooting films and those damned talk shows.
Hee-hee!
Ha-ha! Ha-ha!
I think it would have to be... Fuck.
And what is your favorite curse word?
Listen, cars aren't designed for women.
The steering wheel would have two dents in it. We bring our own air bags. Right, girls?
Anybody like cheesecake?
Well, we're glad to have you back on the air.
I'll let you all enjoy the party now.
- Peter, is there anything else you want to say? - Yeah, I got something to say.
You know, we kid around a lot here...
...but the truth is, we care about each other.
We're excited to be back because we want to address some serious issues.
- You know, do something we can all be proud of.
Peter!
Still got it!
That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about.
Truth is, 300 million Americans a day...
...expel gas through their anus.
To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass.
Just yankin' ya!