1 00:00:01,760 --> 00:00:06,720 Live from Quahog, Rhode Island, this is Channel Five Action News... 2 00:00:06,831 --> 00:00:09,561 ...with Tom Tucker, Diane Simmons... 3 00:00:09,667 --> 00:00:14,468 ...and Blaccu-weather meteorologist, Ollie Williams. 4 00:00:14,572 --> 00:00:17,507 - Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. - And I'm Diane Simmons. 5 00:00:17,609 --> 00:00:19,634 Could we talk about something besides yourself, Diane? 6 00:00:19,744 --> 00:00:22,736 - Excuse me? - Great. Tonight, in the news, two local men arrested... 7 00:00:22,848 --> 00:00:24,816 ...as part of an illegal steroid ring. 8 00:00:24,917 --> 00:00:27,477 These charges are false. Our muscles are the result... 9 00:00:27,586 --> 00:00:30,953 ...of hundreds of squat-thrusts and somersaults down on the hard ground. 10 00:00:31,056 --> 00:00:35,550 Stop pushing! Save your roughneck tactics for Sacco and Vanzetti. 11 00:00:40,766 --> 00:00:43,098 Hup! Hup-ho! Hup! 12 00:00:43,202 --> 00:00:45,568 Meanwhile, authorities acting on a tip... 13 00:00:45,671 --> 00:00:48,435 ...searched the marshlands near the Fox Point hurricane barrier... 14 00:00:48,541 --> 00:00:50,736 ...for what they believed to be the remains... 15 00:00:50,843 --> 00:00:52,811 ...of reputed mobster "Big Fat" Pauly. 16 00:00:52,912 --> 00:00:56,075 The authorities were disappointed to find not the remains of"Big Fat" Pauly... 17 00:00:56,182 --> 00:00:59,583 ...but, instead, The Remains of the Day, a boring Merchant-Ivory film... 18 00:00:59,685 --> 00:01:03,348 - Starring Sir Anthony Hopkins. - Hmm. Funny how they could've confused that. 19 00:01:03,455 --> 00:01:07,051 Coming up, why your next trip to the salad bar could be your last. 20 00:01:07,160 --> 00:01:09,856 But first, we go live to the Quahog Performing Arts Center... 21 00:01:09,963 --> 00:01:13,194 ...where Asian correspondent, Tricia Takanawa is down at the red carpet. 22 00:01:15,302 --> 00:01:19,398 Tom, tonight the stars are out... 23 00:01:19,506 --> 00:01:22,964 ...for a special sneak preview of a straight-to-DVD feature... 24 00:01:23,076 --> 00:01:27,012 ...that will soon be in the $3.99 bin at your local car wash. 25 00:01:27,113 --> 00:01:29,809 Here comes Mayor Adam West, himself. 26 00:01:29,916 --> 00:01:33,374 Mr. West, do you have any words for our viewers? 27 00:01:33,486 --> 00:01:38,116 Box, toaster, aluminum, maple syrup- No, I take that one back. 28 00:01:38,225 --> 00:01:41,353 - I'm gonna hold on to that one. - Thank you, Mayor West. 29 00:01:41,461 --> 00:01:46,660 Oh, and if I'm not mistaken, it's local folk legend and ward of the state... 30 00:01:46,766 --> 00:01:49,895 Quahog's own Greased-up Deaf Guy. 31 00:01:50,004 --> 00:01:53,906 Don't judge me! I'm just doin' my thing! See you in the theater. 32 00:01:54,008 --> 00:01:56,408 - Evil, over here! - Hey, Evil Monkey! 33 00:02:00,915 --> 00:02:04,612 And here come two popular Family Guy guest stars... 34 00:02:04,719 --> 00:02:07,051 Drew Barrymore and her date. 35 00:02:07,154 --> 00:02:09,588 Hey, Kool-Aid! 36 00:02:09,690 --> 00:02:11,658 - Oh, yeah! - Things going well with Drew? 37 00:02:11,759 --> 00:02:13,886 Oh, yeah! 38 00:02:13,995 --> 00:02:17,761 We have so much fun and he keeps my tongue really red. 39 00:02:17,865 --> 00:02:19,890 See? 40 00:02:22,169 --> 00:02:26,367 Hey, thank y'all for coming out. Don't forget to check out my clothing line, C.C. Brown... 41 00:02:26,474 --> 00:02:29,034 ...available at many retail outlets. 42 00:02:29,143 --> 00:02:31,339 Got y'all in here. 43 00:02:31,446 --> 00:02:36,179 And here are the stars of tonight's film, the Griffin Family. 44 00:02:36,285 --> 00:02:38,480 Whoa! What's this, a party? 45 00:02:38,587 --> 00:02:40,555 How'd you all get in my room? 46 00:02:40,656 --> 00:02:43,284 Hi, I'm Brian. 47 00:02:43,392 --> 00:02:46,020 Um, I rode backwards in the limo, so... 48 00:02:46,128 --> 00:02:48,722 ...uh, actually, my underpants were going the right way. 49 00:02:50,899 --> 00:02:53,595 - Stewie! Stewie! Good to have you back! - Good to be back. 50 00:02:53,702 --> 00:02:56,569 Especially since my brief foray into politics didn't work out. 51 00:03:04,346 --> 00:03:08,442 Ladies and Gentlemen, we got him! 52 00:03:11,453 --> 00:03:13,786 Stewie, I'm from TVGuide. How does it feel... 53 00:03:13,890 --> 00:03:15,915 ...to be the youngest working actor in Hollywood? 54 00:03:16,025 --> 00:03:19,586 Well, it feels about like seven figures a year, which feels pretty good. 55 00:03:19,696 --> 00:03:21,687 Stewie! Stewie! Hi, I'm from the L.A. Times. 56 00:03:21,798 --> 00:03:24,062 Can you tell us, are you working on any new projects? 57 00:03:24,167 --> 00:03:26,192 Well, yes. I just did an episode of According toJim. 58 00:03:26,302 --> 00:03:28,202 I'm the comic relief. 59 00:03:28,304 --> 00:03:31,899 Stewie, do you know if Fox has any plans to bring back Futurama? 60 00:03:32,008 --> 00:03:34,408 - What magazine are you from? - Entertainment Weekly. 61 00:03:36,646 --> 00:03:40,446 — La, la, la, la Family Guy — 62 00:03:40,550 --> 00:03:42,882 H- H-Hey, everybody! 63 00:03:42,986 --> 00:03:46,012 - I am sorry. I am so sorry. There was booze in the car. 64 00:03:46,122 --> 00:03:48,090 I'm sorry. 65 00:03:48,191 --> 00:03:50,318 Oh, God, Lois! For Christ's sake, take it easy, will ya? 66 00:03:50,426 --> 00:03:54,227 - When I heard-When I heard... - God. 67 00:03:54,331 --> 00:03:56,856 That we was gonna be in a movie, I was like, "Fuck, yeah!" 68 00:03:56,967 --> 00:03:59,561 All right. You know what? Let's just try and walk straight here. 69 00:03:59,670 --> 00:04:01,638 Just- 70 00:04:01,739 --> 00:04:03,639 Lois, get up. Oh, God. Lois, get up. 71 00:04:03,741 --> 00:04:06,107 - Get on! - I'm not gonna get on. 72 00:04:06,210 --> 00:04:08,201 I am not gon- Lois. Lois. You get up. 73 00:04:08,312 --> 00:04:10,542 - Peter. - What? 74 00:04:10,647 --> 00:04:12,774 - Get on. - Son of a bitch. 75 00:04:12,883 --> 00:04:15,511 I- I am really sorry, everybody. 76 00:04:15,619 --> 00:04:17,587 Oh, G- Oh! All right. You know what? 77 00:04:17,688 --> 00:04:21,419 - Let's get inside. Come on. - Ow! 78 00:04:21,525 --> 00:04:25,086 So, Meg, how does it feel to be the center of attention? 79 00:04:25,195 --> 00:04:28,130 Oh, my God. You talkin' to me? 80 00:04:28,232 --> 00:04:31,429 Are you talkin' to me? Okay. Okay. 81 00:04:31,535 --> 00:04:36,235 - Well, I thought a lot about it, and I- - And here comes David Bowie. 82 00:04:36,341 --> 00:04:39,572 - David, what brings you all the way to- - Shh! 83 00:04:39,677 --> 00:04:42,043 Just you shut your mouth. 84 00:04:42,147 --> 00:04:44,843 Oh, me love to meet Ziggy Stardust! 85 00:04:44,949 --> 00:04:48,146 I take you home. I make you fish bowel soup. Fish bowel! 86 00:04:48,253 --> 00:04:52,155 Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years. 87 00:04:52,257 --> 00:04:55,192 And now we'll cut inside the theater to our hidden cameraman... 88 00:04:55,293 --> 00:04:57,818 ...who'll be providing us with a bootleg copy of the movie. 89 00:05:11,443 --> 00:05:14,708 Vince Vaughn, Susan Sarandon... 90 00:05:14,813 --> 00:05:17,373 ...in Two People Who Look Like They Never Sleep. 91 00:05:17,482 --> 00:05:19,542 Hey, Mary, how'd you sleep last night? 92 00:05:19,652 --> 00:05:22,348 Ugh, I had plenty of sleep. Stop asking me that. 93 00:05:22,455 --> 00:05:24,423 - Well, you look tired. - Well, so do you. 94 00:05:24,523 --> 00:05:26,013 - Fine. - Yeah. 95 00:05:34,767 --> 00:05:37,827 I'm a little bunny and I'm separated from my family. 96 00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:41,270 Oh, no. I have a long journey to go on. 97 00:05:41,373 --> 00:05:43,398 I wish I didn't have to go it alone. 98 00:05:43,509 --> 00:05:46,137 Hey, Mr. Bear, I need your help. 99 00:05:46,245 --> 00:05:50,147 But I'm a loner bear who don't like to be bothered by other folks. 100 00:05:50,249 --> 00:05:53,480 A story of friendship, with music by Randy Newman. 101 00:05:53,586 --> 00:05:57,920 — It's a story 'bout friendship with music by me — 102 00:05:58,023 --> 00:06:00,549 — 'Bout a bear and a bunny — 103 00:06:00,660 --> 00:06:04,221 — In the end the bunny's family dies but the bear becomes his new family — 104 00:06:04,331 --> 00:06:06,561 — Something like that — 105 00:08:33,950 --> 00:08:36,475 Whee! 106 00:08:36,586 --> 00:08:40,454 Mom, look! Mom! Mom! 107 00:08:40,556 --> 00:08:44,458 Mom! Mom! Mom, look at me! 108 00:08:44,560 --> 00:08:48,018 Look at me! Mom! Mom! 109 00:08:48,131 --> 00:08:50,999 Mom! 110 00:08:52,503 --> 00:08:55,370 - How was that? - Your third somersault was a little sloppy. 111 00:08:55,472 --> 00:08:57,440 But what do I know, huh? 112 00:08:57,541 --> 00:09:00,271 It's been so long since I qualified for the Olympics. 113 00:09:00,377 --> 00:09:03,574 - You were in the Olympics? - No, I got pregnant with Meg and couldn't go. 114 00:09:03,681 --> 00:09:05,706 Now I'm pro-choice. 115 00:09:08,218 --> 00:09:10,778 Hey! Hey, Meg. Go crouch down behind Brian. 116 00:09:10,888 --> 00:09:13,254 - I'm gonna push him in the pool. - Okay. 117 00:09:22,266 --> 00:09:24,962 - Dad! - Ow! Damn it! 118 00:09:25,069 --> 00:09:27,333 Meg, you did it wrong! 119 00:09:29,707 --> 00:09:32,176 See ya later, honey. I guess I can't go swimmin' for half an hour. 120 00:09:32,277 --> 00:09:34,177 Giggedy-giggedy-giggedy-goo! 121 00:09:34,279 --> 00:09:37,646 Hey, Stewie. How 'bout Daddy teaches ya how to swim? 122 00:09:37,749 --> 00:09:40,741 Go... Away... Fat man. 123 00:09:40,852 --> 00:09:43,377 What do you think you're doing? "No" means "no"! 124 00:09:43,488 --> 00:09:45,513 Okay. Here goes. 125 00:09:45,623 --> 00:09:49,150 Come on, Stewie. In... The... Pool. 126 00:09:49,260 --> 00:09:53,594 No! No, I don't want to die! I want to live! Live! 127 00:09:53,698 --> 00:09:56,792 Peter, stop it. He's never gonna learn like that. 128 00:09:56,901 --> 00:09:59,062 Maybe this summer he should take swim lessons. 129 00:09:59,170 --> 00:10:01,161 - Would ya like that, Stewie? - Hmm. 130 00:10:01,272 --> 00:10:03,934 Well, I guess it couldn't be worse than that summer I spent in India. 131 00:10:04,042 --> 00:10:06,306 Whatever you do, short-round, don't touch anything. 132 00:10:06,411 --> 00:10:09,209 Okay, Dr. Jones, I no touch anything. 133 00:10:10,648 --> 00:10:14,949 - Indy! - Lady only here 'cause she humping director. 134 00:10:17,957 --> 00:10:21,051 Whoa. Look at this place. What happened to Sal's Video? 135 00:10:21,160 --> 00:10:24,027 We bought them out two weeks ago. Welcome to Lackluster Video. 136 00:10:24,130 --> 00:10:26,223 50,000 stores nationwide. 137 00:10:26,332 --> 00:10:29,233 Yeah, well, uh, you know, I used to come into Sal's once or twice a week... 138 00:10:29,335 --> 00:10:32,634 ...to rent movies from his, uh... Back room. 139 00:10:32,738 --> 00:10:36,139 You know what I mean? Room for, uh, adults only. 140 00:10:36,242 --> 00:10:39,939 Catch my drift? The, uh, kind of movies where there are X-rated pornos... 141 00:10:40,045 --> 00:10:43,173 ...and fully-nude people fornicate for the camera and stuff comes out. 142 00:10:43,282 --> 00:10:45,443 - Get my meaning? - Oh, I'm sorry, but Lackluster Video... 143 00:10:45,551 --> 00:10:47,985 ...takes a strong moral stance against pornography... 144 00:10:48,087 --> 00:10:50,078 ...open-mindedness and non-Christians. 145 00:10:50,189 --> 00:10:53,056 Oh, yeah? Then why do you rent Prince of Tides? Barbra Streisand is Jewish. 146 00:10:53,159 --> 00:10:55,184 We edit some of our movies. 147 00:10:55,295 --> 00:10:57,286 I think I'm in love with you, Doctor. 148 00:10:57,397 --> 00:11:01,595 No, Tom, you're wrong. You don't love me. You love the idea of me. 149 00:11:01,701 --> 00:11:04,465 Hi, I'm Tom Tucker. Do me a favor and fill this bag... 150 00:11:04,571 --> 00:11:08,598 ...with motion pictures featuring women-on-women or anything with an amputee. 151 00:11:08,708 --> 00:11:12,872 Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think it's immoral. 152 00:11:12,979 --> 00:11:14,947 You know, that really grinds my gears. 153 00:11:15,048 --> 00:11:18,484 Where in the Bible does it say a man can't fire off some knuckle-children... 154 00:11:18,585 --> 00:11:21,213 ...in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room, while his neighbor is at work... 155 00:11:21,321 --> 00:11:23,482 ...because I don't have a DVD player? 156 00:11:23,590 --> 00:11:26,320 I don't know where it says it because the Bible is way too long to read. 157 00:11:26,426 --> 00:11:28,394 Hey, that was quite a rant there. 158 00:11:28,495 --> 00:11:31,794 You know, we're looking for an everyman to rant about petty, nonsensical irritants... 159 00:11:31,898 --> 00:11:33,923 ...to replace our "Spotlight on the Middle East" segment. 160 00:11:34,034 --> 00:11:36,002 Hey! I'd be great at that! 161 00:11:36,102 --> 00:11:39,334 I've been dying to get back on television ever since I stopped hosting Family Feud. 162 00:11:39,440 --> 00:11:43,069 How are you, Betsy? Welcome to the show. You are a lovely young woman. 163 00:11:43,177 --> 00:11:46,146 Stick my hand up there and feel that one. 164 00:11:46,247 --> 00:11:48,306 And that one. 165 00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,850 We're looking for somethin' you shop for at the mall. Three seconds. 166 00:11:56,591 --> 00:11:58,582 Come on, Stewie. Don't be afraid. 167 00:11:58,693 --> 00:12:00,786 It's just water. It's not gonna bite. 168 00:12:00,895 --> 00:12:03,625 Shut up! I know it's not going to bite, stupid. 169 00:12:03,731 --> 00:12:07,462 What a stupid thing to say. You drown in it, you moron. It doesn't have to bite you. 170 00:12:07,568 --> 00:12:11,004 Hey, little guy. Take a look at Brad over there. He's my star pupil. 171 00:12:11,105 --> 00:12:13,972 - See how brave he is? - He's not brave. 172 00:12:14,075 --> 00:12:16,100 I'll tell you who was brave- Gandhi. 173 00:12:16,210 --> 00:12:19,179 And the black people are always like, "Hey, bitch. " 174 00:12:19,280 --> 00:12:23,149 And the Indian people, we do not call our women in such a way. 175 00:12:23,252 --> 00:12:25,277 Boo.! You suck.! 176 00:12:25,387 --> 00:12:28,185 Okay, parents. Next week's the toddler's swim meet. 177 00:12:28,290 --> 00:12:30,588 It's gonna be a lot of fun! 178 00:12:32,027 --> 00:12:34,621 You know, that is a remarkable resemblance, Brad. 179 00:12:34,730 --> 00:12:38,826 You, on your back, in the water- You look like one of my stools! 180 00:12:42,871 --> 00:12:46,739 So, is it just pool water that turns you into a sniveling girl, or is it all water? 181 00:12:46,842 --> 00:12:49,504 Mom! Brian's asking me if it's just pool water that turns me... 182 00:12:49,611 --> 00:12:51,636 ...into a sniveling girl or if it's all water! 183 00:12:51,747 --> 00:12:56,047 I heard that Olympic swimmers shave all the hair off their head and their private areas... 184 00:12:56,151 --> 00:12:58,085 ...to make 'em move faster. 185 00:12:58,186 --> 00:13:00,120 I don't need some stupid gimmick. 186 00:13:00,222 --> 00:13:04,956 Soon as I improve my technique, I'll outswim Brad as easily as I took care of that other boy. 187 00:13:05,061 --> 00:13:08,690 Casper, go long! 188 00:13:08,798 --> 00:13:11,961 Ooh, sorry about that, man. 189 00:13:12,068 --> 00:13:13,968 - Are you dead? - Yeah, whatever. 190 00:13:14,070 --> 00:13:16,038 I was gonna off myself on Tuesday anyway. 191 00:13:16,139 --> 00:13:19,199 Hey, Peter, shouldn't you be getting ready for your first news segment? 192 00:13:19,309 --> 00:13:22,540 Yeah. I'm a little nervous, though. I'm not sure what to talk about. 193 00:13:22,645 --> 00:13:25,978 - You could talk about me. - Okay, honey. I'll talk about you. 194 00:13:26,082 --> 00:13:30,212 "Hey, I'm Meg. I go to school. I wear glasses. " 195 00:13:34,090 --> 00:13:36,422 Spot on. Spot on. 196 00:13:36,526 --> 00:13:39,393 Oh, Peter, you'll be great. You're a natural. 197 00:13:39,495 --> 00:13:42,225 I always said they never should have replaced you on Roseanne. 198 00:13:42,332 --> 00:13:44,392 Hey, Rosie, have you seen Darlene? 199 00:13:49,940 --> 00:13:52,306 ...and junk. 200 00:13:52,409 --> 00:13:57,210 Uh, I-I don't, uh- I can't, uh-What? 201 00:13:59,650 --> 00:14:02,983 In other news, after several grueling days of frightening uncertainty... 202 00:14:03,087 --> 00:14:06,579 - I finally get my period. - Well, Diane, I'm sure you and your brother... 203 00:14:06,690 --> 00:14:09,853 ...must be devastated by the loss of the two-headed offspring that might have been. 204 00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:13,896 We now go to Peter Griffin for "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?" 205 00:14:13,998 --> 00:14:17,024 Thanks, Tom. You know what really grinds my gears? 206 00:14:17,134 --> 00:14:20,467 Nobody's come up with a new priest-and-rabbi joke in, like, 30 years. 207 00:14:20,571 --> 00:14:22,664 You know? I mean, okay. Um, um- 208 00:14:22,773 --> 00:14:25,640 A priest and rabbi go into the supermarket and, uh, the priest... 209 00:14:25,743 --> 00:14:27,939 ...wants to buy a ham and the rabbi says... 210 00:14:28,046 --> 00:14:30,014 "Uh, I can't eat it. It's forbidden. 211 00:14:30,115 --> 00:14:32,276 Couldn't eat it. Not allowed. " 212 00:14:32,384 --> 00:14:34,852 Pigs are like superheroes to them. Is it perfect? No. 213 00:14:34,953 --> 00:14:37,183 L- I don't see you comin' up with anything. 214 00:14:37,288 --> 00:14:39,415 And that, people, is what grinds my gears. Tom. 215 00:14:41,526 --> 00:14:43,494 Come on. You gonna be all day? 216 00:14:43,595 --> 00:14:46,325 - I'm brushing my teeth. - You only have, like, two. 217 00:14:46,431 --> 00:14:49,525 - I mean, how long could- Oh, God! - Oh. Hey. 218 00:14:49,634 --> 00:14:52,762 Uh... wow. 219 00:14:52,871 --> 00:14:55,931 You... Doin' a little hair removal there? 220 00:14:56,041 --> 00:14:58,874 Oh, uh-Yeah. 221 00:14:58,977 --> 00:15:02,435 Um... You know, feel free to say "no" to this, but... 222 00:15:02,547 --> 00:15:04,913 ...would you shave my coin purse? 223 00:15:10,823 --> 00:15:14,452 Oh, no! No way, man! 224 00:15:14,560 --> 00:15:18,621 Holy freaking God! 225 00:15:18,731 --> 00:15:22,997 - Oh! - Don't have to be so uptight about it. 226 00:15:24,236 --> 00:15:26,431 There we are. Balder than Michael Chiklis- 227 00:15:26,539 --> 00:15:29,406 And bears him an odd resemblance too. I say, they could be brothers. 228 00:15:29,508 --> 00:15:32,341 Detective Vic Mackey has finally met his match. 229 00:15:32,445 --> 00:15:36,006 Just when you thought The Shield couldn't get anymore intense. 230 00:15:36,115 --> 00:15:39,209 - Hey, Mackey, your brother's here. - I'm sorry, Detective. 231 00:15:39,318 --> 00:15:42,412 - I don't have a brother. - Hello, Vic. 232 00:15:42,521 --> 00:15:46,423 Detective Scrotes. I told you I never wanted to see you again. 233 00:15:46,525 --> 00:15:49,517 Yeah? Well, I got a listenin' problem. 234 00:15:51,398 --> 00:15:53,832 Okay. We're gonna have our first fun little race. 235 00:15:53,934 --> 00:15:55,902 When I blow this whistle, I want all the parents... 236 00:15:56,002 --> 00:15:57,970 ...to throw their children into the pool. 237 00:15:58,071 --> 00:16:02,167 If your child doesn't resurface right away, they're probably just trying to get attention. 238 00:16:02,275 --> 00:16:04,300 - Ready? - Good luck, Stewie. 239 00:16:04,411 --> 00:16:06,208 "Good luck, Stewie. " 240 00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:07,746 That's you. That's what you sound like. 241 00:16:07,848 --> 00:16:11,147 You're mine, Brad! 242 00:16:11,251 --> 00:16:14,550 Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn! 243 00:16:17,824 --> 00:16:20,725 Ew! A Band-Aid. 244 00:16:20,827 --> 00:16:23,796 I've got ya, sweetie. 245 00:16:30,137 --> 00:16:32,002 Good for you, Brad! 246 00:16:32,105 --> 00:16:34,131 - Oh, isn't he adorable? - He's much better than my kids. 247 00:16:36,577 --> 00:16:39,603 So, you think you can make me look like a fool, do you? You little bastard! 248 00:16:39,714 --> 00:16:42,706 Well, guess again! 249 00:16:42,817 --> 00:16:46,981 Oh, Brad! There's a piece of marzipan over here for you. 250 00:16:50,758 --> 00:16:53,420 What the deuce? 251 00:17:11,412 --> 00:17:14,404 Hell? Now, that's a bit much, don't you think? 252 00:17:14,515 --> 00:17:17,576 I mean, sure, I've spent my entire life trying to kill my mother. But who hasn't? 253 00:17:17,686 --> 00:17:20,484 You know, really, for hell this isn't that bad. 254 00:17:20,589 --> 00:17:22,682 - Hi, there. I'm Steve Allen. - Oh, hello. 255 00:17:22,791 --> 00:17:24,588 All right. Let's do this. 256 00:17:24,693 --> 00:17:27,992 Ah! 257 00:17:28,096 --> 00:17:30,064 I'm alive. I'm alive! 258 00:17:30,165 --> 00:17:32,292 Oh! Stewie! My baby. 259 00:17:32,401 --> 00:17:35,666 I thought I'd lost you. Oh! 260 00:17:35,771 --> 00:17:38,740 I can't believe it. All these years I thought I was living in hell... 261 00:17:38,841 --> 00:17:40,809 ...but it gets so much worse. 262 00:17:40,909 --> 00:17:43,139 This is a sign. Well, from this day forward... 263 00:17:43,245 --> 00:17:46,578 Stewart Gilligan Griffin will be a good boy. 264 00:17:46,682 --> 00:17:49,651 I don't understand. I was only gonna ask him to fix my collar. 265 00:17:49,751 --> 00:17:52,311 Huh. Well, I wonder what they got on TV in hell. 266 00:18:03,867 --> 00:18:05,835 Morning, Brian. 267 00:18:05,935 --> 00:18:08,665 Beautiful day, isn't it? Kind of day that makes you glad to be alive. 268 00:18:08,771 --> 00:18:12,036 - I made fudge. - Uh, okay. 269 00:18:15,345 --> 00:18:17,245 Wha- Uh- What, uh- 270 00:18:17,347 --> 00:18:19,645 - What are you-What are you doing? - Well, from the feel of it... 271 00:18:19,749 --> 00:18:21,910 ...working through quite a few years of stress. 272 00:18:22,018 --> 00:18:25,146 The thing is, when I died, I got a glimpse of where I was going... 273 00:18:25,255 --> 00:18:27,485 ...and, well, I did not like it one bit. 274 00:18:27,590 --> 00:18:30,218 Wow. I am so uncomfortable right now. 275 00:18:30,326 --> 00:18:32,317 So, I've resolved to change my ways... 276 00:18:32,428 --> 00:18:34,419 ...because I know now who I want to be. 277 00:18:34,530 --> 00:18:38,364 — I have confidence in sunshine — 278 00:18:38,468 --> 00:18:41,597 — I have confidence in rain — 279 00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:44,799 — I have confidence that spring will come again — 280 00:18:44,909 --> 00:18:48,436 — Besides which, you see I have confidence in me —— 281 00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:51,446 There you are. Drink plenty of water. 282 00:18:51,548 --> 00:18:53,948 - Hey, Brian. - Yeah? 283 00:18:54,051 --> 00:18:56,246 Thanks for listening. 284 00:18:56,353 --> 00:18:59,254 Boy, that was more disturbing than that cartoon I saw the other day. 285 00:19:02,693 --> 00:19:07,357 Shh! Be "vewy," "vewy" quiet. I'm hunting "wabbits. " 286 00:19:08,465 --> 00:19:10,433 Nyah, what's up, Doc? 287 00:19:14,071 --> 00:19:16,198 Oh, God! Oh, God! 288 00:19:16,307 --> 00:19:19,538 Oh! 289 00:19:31,456 --> 00:19:34,152 Shh! Quiet! Quiet! Your father's on. 290 00:19:34,259 --> 00:19:37,786 You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. 291 00:19:37,896 --> 00:19:40,626 Eh? Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits... 292 00:19:40,732 --> 00:19:42,996 ...jumpin' around there on stage half-naked... 293 00:19:43,101 --> 00:19:45,160 ...with your little outfits. 294 00:19:45,270 --> 00:19:49,036 You're up there jumpin' around and I'm just sittin' here with my beer. 295 00:19:49,140 --> 00:19:51,540 So, you know, what am I supposed to do? 296 00:19:51,643 --> 00:19:54,043 What do you-What do you want? You know, are we gonna go out? 297 00:19:54,145 --> 00:19:56,773 Is that what you're tryin'- Why are you... Leapin' around there... 298 00:19:56,881 --> 00:19:59,850 ...throwin' those things all up, um, over there in my face? 299 00:19:59,951 --> 00:20:03,854 Huh? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want! 300 00:20:03,956 --> 00:20:06,220 Well, I'll tell you what you want. You want nothin'. 301 00:20:06,325 --> 00:20:08,293 You want nothin'. All right? 302 00:20:08,394 --> 00:20:12,353 Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone... 303 00:20:12,465 --> 00:20:16,925 ...and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is just bogus. 304 00:20:17,036 --> 00:20:20,699 Oh! He is so right-on. Women are such teases. 305 00:20:20,806 --> 00:20:22,774 That's why I went back to men. 306 00:20:22,875 --> 00:20:27,244 Okay, Mom. Thanks for that. See you later. 307 00:20:27,346 --> 00:20:29,371 Go on. 308 00:20:29,482 --> 00:20:33,077 Another thing that grinds my gears is when I can't find the droids I'm lookin' for. 309 00:20:33,185 --> 00:20:35,346 Yeah, me too. What gives with that? 310 00:20:35,454 --> 00:20:37,615 And that's what really grinds my gears. 311 00:20:37,723 --> 00:20:39,657 Clear. Remove my microphone. 312 00:20:39,759 --> 00:20:41,727 - Great job, Mr. Griffin. - Great job, Peter. 313 00:20:41,827 --> 00:20:43,795 - Just terrific. - Just fantastic. 314 00:20:43,896 --> 00:20:46,229 Oh, this gig is even better than that job I had... 315 00:20:46,333 --> 00:20:48,824 ...providing nighttime heat for Lara Flynn Boyle. 316 00:20:48,935 --> 00:20:51,028 Thanks so much, Peter. 317 00:20:51,138 --> 00:20:53,163 - I was getting a little chilly. - No sweat, Lara. 318 00:20:53,273 --> 00:20:55,833 Hey, you have yourself a fine sleep. 319 00:20:57,210 --> 00:21:00,270 - Hey, Lara. - Yeah? 320 00:21:00,380 --> 00:21:04,180 - Is Dylan McDermott nice in person? - Yeah. 321 00:21:04,284 --> 00:21:06,309 Good. 322 00:21:10,257 --> 00:21:12,384 So, who would like to say the blessing? 323 00:21:12,492 --> 00:21:14,722 No one? Okay. I'll do it. 324 00:21:14,828 --> 00:21:16,887 Um, dear Lord... 325 00:21:16,997 --> 00:21:19,363 ...we thank you for this food we are about to eat... 326 00:21:19,466 --> 00:21:23,197 ...uh, thank you for this gorgeous day... 327 00:21:23,303 --> 00:21:27,171 ...and thank you for letting me share it with my good friend, Brian- 328 00:21:27,274 --> 00:21:29,243 ...that's you. 329 00:21:29,343 --> 00:21:31,311 Um... 330 00:21:31,412 --> 00:21:33,710 ...and that about covers it, I guess. 331 00:21:33,815 --> 00:21:35,840 All right. Amen. 332 00:21:35,950 --> 00:21:40,478 Sweetheart, I thought your "Grind My Gears" segment was just wonderful tonight. 333 00:21:40,588 --> 00:21:42,852 Yeah! I can't believe my father's famous. 334 00:21:42,957 --> 00:21:45,050 Well, honey, there's been a lot of famous Griffins... 335 00:21:45,159 --> 00:21:47,320 ...like my great aunt, Ella Fitzgerald Griffin. 336 00:21:47,428 --> 00:21:49,589 Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. 337 00:21:49,697 --> 00:21:51,858 I'd like to introduce my accompanist for the evening... 338 00:21:51,966 --> 00:21:54,833 ...please say hello to young Ray Charles. 339 00:22:05,580 --> 00:22:08,913 I'm blind! 340 00:22:09,016 --> 00:22:12,748 - I feel ridiculous. - Well, I can't very well fit you up here, can I? 341 00:22:12,855 --> 00:22:17,292 - Where are we going? - Well, there is the most absolutely perfect... 342 00:22:17,392 --> 00:22:19,622 ...spider web in the bushes by Cleveland's house. 343 00:22:19,728 --> 00:22:22,196 - You have just got to see it. - Oh, for God's sake. 344 00:22:22,297 --> 00:22:24,288 - Hey, Brian. Brian. - What? 345 00:22:24,399 --> 00:22:26,492 - Knock-knock. - Oh, come on. 346 00:22:26,602 --> 00:22:28,593 - Knock-knock. - Who's there? 347 00:22:28,704 --> 00:22:32,470 Your friend, Stewie- and he's always gonna be there for you. 348 00:22:33,976 --> 00:22:37,844 - Yes. Table for two. - I'm sorry. We have a 45-minute wait. 349 00:22:37,946 --> 00:22:40,437 Oh, isn't that too bad, honey? 350 00:22:40,549 --> 00:22:43,643 Because I know waiting in line at a restaurant... 351 00:22:43,752 --> 00:22:45,777 ...really, uh, grinds your gears. 352 00:22:45,888 --> 00:22:47,856 Oh, my God! It's you! 353 00:22:47,956 --> 00:22:50,925 I loved your rant about how bread is square and baloney is round. 354 00:22:51,026 --> 00:22:53,052 Oh, a table just opened up. 355 00:22:53,163 --> 00:22:57,156 - Hey! We've been waiting. - Shh! That's Michael Moore. 356 00:22:57,267 --> 00:22:59,235 Mr. Tucker, we need this table. 357 00:22:59,335 --> 00:23:01,303 But I've already ordered. 358 00:23:01,404 --> 00:23:04,965 Oh, we have a private booth set up for you. This way. 359 00:23:05,074 --> 00:23:07,042 - Griffin. - Diane. 360 00:23:07,143 --> 00:23:09,737 I can't believe we got a table at the hottest restaurant in town... 361 00:23:09,846 --> 00:23:11,814 ...without a reservation. 362 00:23:11,915 --> 00:23:13,940 We really are moving up in the world. 363 00:23:14,050 --> 00:23:16,382 Yeah, but I'd love to see what those private booths are like. 364 00:23:20,823 --> 00:23:25,192 This is totally unacceptable. How long are you going to be? I'm very hungry. 365 00:23:29,432 --> 00:23:31,696 Hey, B! Rupert and I were just about to- 366 00:23:31,801 --> 00:23:33,894 E- E-Excuse me. Did you just call me "B"? 367 00:23:34,003 --> 00:23:36,199 Yes, B. Rupert and I were just about to dine on this mixture... 368 00:23:36,307 --> 00:23:38,275 ...of Play-Doh and rug hair. 369 00:23:38,375 --> 00:23:40,343 - Care to join? - Oh, no, thanks. 370 00:23:40,444 --> 00:23:42,639 I just thought you might be interested in seeing this. 371 00:23:42,746 --> 00:23:46,147 This is the most absolutely perfectly destroyed spider web. 372 00:23:46,250 --> 00:23:48,377 - Where's the spider? - Knock-knock. 373 00:23:48,485 --> 00:23:50,578 - Who's there? - I ate him! 374 00:23:50,688 --> 00:23:53,054 You bastard! Who the hell do you think you are? 375 00:23:53,157 --> 00:23:55,887 Ha! I knew it. I knew you hadn't really changed. 376 00:23:55,993 --> 00:23:58,962 Okay. So, I was faking being nice. It's not the worst thing I've done. 377 00:24:01,465 --> 00:24:04,025 Ooh! Steve, it's coming right at us. Grab it! 378 00:24:04,134 --> 00:24:06,694 - I don't wanna get in the way. - It's a foul ball. 379 00:24:06,804 --> 00:24:08,863 What harm can it do? 380 00:24:08,973 --> 00:24:12,306 Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't fight my nature. 381 00:24:12,409 --> 00:24:15,037 - I'm just a hateful person. - You're not hateful. 382 00:24:15,145 --> 00:24:17,114 You just need to control your anger like I do. 383 00:24:17,215 --> 00:24:19,183 You mean by being sauced all day? 384 00:24:19,284 --> 00:24:21,775 Wait a minute. Of course. That's it. 385 00:24:21,886 --> 00:24:25,481 If I'm drunk, I'll be calm. If I'm calm, I'll be nice. If I'm nice, I won't go to hell. 386 00:24:25,590 --> 00:24:27,956 Fix me a highball. I'm going to get good and tight. 387 00:24:28,059 --> 00:24:30,152 Look, you can't drink. You're an infant, all right? 388 00:24:30,262 --> 00:24:32,287 Besides, there are better ways to solve your problems. 389 00:24:32,397 --> 00:24:35,491 Oh, I suppose you're right. Thanks, Brian. I was weak. 390 00:24:35,600 --> 00:24:37,830 No problem. 391 00:24:41,573 --> 00:24:44,440 Oh, my God! Do you know what it's time for? 392 00:24:44,542 --> 00:24:46,703 A sexy party! 393 00:25:04,563 --> 00:25:07,794 So, Brian, I- Oh, what? 394 00:25:07,900 --> 00:25:11,529 - I didn't say anything. - L-I thought- Oh, I thought you interrupted me. 395 00:25:11,637 --> 00:25:13,969 - Do-Don't interrupt me! - Are you okay? 396 00:25:14,073 --> 00:25:16,701 I'm as okay as your face. 397 00:25:19,478 --> 00:25:23,209 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm s-sorry. 398 00:25:23,316 --> 00:25:26,615 So, honey, what are you going to rant about today? 399 00:25:26,719 --> 00:25:29,119 - Could we get a little preview? - Oh, I got a good one, Lois. 400 00:25:29,221 --> 00:25:32,315 Parents who let their kids do anything they want. I hate that. 401 00:25:32,425 --> 00:25:35,326 You know? Like, when I'm in a restaurant tryin' to enjoy my dinner... 402 00:25:35,428 --> 00:25:39,455 ...and little baby junior son-of-a-bitch over there is screaming his head off. 403 00:25:39,565 --> 00:25:41,625 Parents need to control their kids. 404 00:25:41,735 --> 00:25:45,068 Hey! Everybody, look! I'm gonna do- I'm gonna do something... 405 00:25:45,172 --> 00:25:47,197 ...that's gonna freak you out. 406 00:25:47,307 --> 00:25:51,209 I'm gonna jump from this shelf to my high chair. 407 00:25:51,311 --> 00:25:55,304 I'm gonna jump. You- Are y-you watching? Are you? Are you? 408 00:25:55,415 --> 00:25:57,815 Stewie, don't interrupt. It grinds my gears when you do that. 409 00:25:57,918 --> 00:25:59,909 Oh! He said it! 410 00:26:02,089 --> 00:26:04,284 You're gon-You're gonna- You're gonna miss it. 411 00:26:04,391 --> 00:26:07,121 You're gonna miss it. You're gonna miss it. 412 00:26:10,197 --> 00:26:13,132 Oh, G- Oh, dude.! Did you see th-that? 413 00:26:13,233 --> 00:26:15,565 Did you guys- Oh, man. Look at this- 414 00:26:15,669 --> 00:26:18,661 Look at this gash. Look at this gash right up the side of my leg. 415 00:26:18,772 --> 00:26:21,366 Oh-ho.! Oh.! I cut myself deep. 416 00:26:21,475 --> 00:26:24,001 - Oh.! It doesn't hurt though. - Uh, all right. Time for your nap. 417 00:26:24,112 --> 00:26:26,137 Don't worry, Lois. I'll take him. Let's go. 418 00:26:27,415 --> 00:26:29,440 God.! What- What the hell? 419 00:26:29,550 --> 00:26:31,677 Why are you drag- Why are we in here? 420 00:26:31,786 --> 00:26:33,947 It's rude to the... other people. 421 00:26:34,055 --> 00:26:36,023 - You're drunk. - You're sexy. 422 00:26:36,124 --> 00:26:38,285 Listen, you have to stop this, all right? No more drinking. 423 00:26:38,393 --> 00:26:40,520 - I'm sorry I even put it in your head. - I don't know. 424 00:26:40,628 --> 00:26:43,222 I don't even know what your problem is. I've never felt better. 425 00:26:43,331 --> 00:26:46,300 Okay, now I've never felt better. 426 00:26:50,505 --> 00:26:53,440 You know, Peter, there's gonna be a lot of people watching tonight. 427 00:26:53,541 --> 00:26:56,339 Better keep your balls on the prize- Eyeballs- 428 00:26:56,444 --> 00:26:58,469 On the ball. Eyes on the ball. 429 00:26:58,579 --> 00:27:00,843 Take two. You know, Peter, there's gonna be... 430 00:27:00,948 --> 00:27:03,041 ...a lot of people watching tonight. 431 00:27:03,151 --> 00:27:05,120 Better not screw up. Use take two. 432 00:27:05,220 --> 00:27:07,814 Don't worry about me, Tom. I'll be fine. 433 00:27:07,923 --> 00:27:10,084 We're on in three, two- 434 00:27:10,192 --> 00:27:12,752 And now it's time for "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?" 435 00:27:12,861 --> 00:27:15,227 - With Peter Griffin. - Thanks, Diane. 436 00:27:15,330 --> 00:27:18,026 - You know what really grinds my gears? - Hey! Hey! 437 00:27:18,133 --> 00:27:20,499 Those X-ray specs you used to buy out of the comics. 438 00:27:20,602 --> 00:27:23,537 - Hey! Screw up! - I save up forever to buy these things... 439 00:27:23,639 --> 00:27:27,006 ...and when I finally get 'em yesterday, I couldn't see the inside of my son's belly. 440 00:27:27,109 --> 00:27:32,069 Blah! Bah! Blah! 441 00:27:32,181 --> 00:27:34,274 See, I wanted to see if he'd eaten the last Nilla wafer... 442 00:27:34,383 --> 00:27:36,351 'cause I told him I wanted it. 443 00:27:36,452 --> 00:27:39,182 - Boy, I tell ya, that really grinds my gears. - Pay attention to me! 444 00:27:39,288 --> 00:27:41,381 I'm trying to ruin you! 445 00:27:41,490 --> 00:27:43,617 You wanted to see me, sir? 446 00:27:43,725 --> 00:27:47,526 You're fired, Tom. Turn in your press pass and any other studio property. 447 00:27:53,803 --> 00:27:55,896 What are we doing here? 448 00:27:56,005 --> 00:27:58,701 So, you like being drunk? Fine. I'm gonna get you so drunk... 449 00:27:58,808 --> 00:28:00,776 ...you'll never wanna drink again. 450 00:28:00,877 --> 00:28:03,607 Come on. 451 00:28:14,290 --> 00:28:16,952 Cold. It's so cold. 452 00:28:18,361 --> 00:28:20,522 - Thanks, Horace. - Hey, is he 18? 453 00:28:20,630 --> 00:28:23,531 - Horace, the drinking age is 21. - Oh. 454 00:28:23,633 --> 00:28:26,431 O- Okay. Uh, uh... 455 00:28:26,536 --> 00:28:28,527 ...to the black man. 456 00:28:28,638 --> 00:28:31,301 Thanks for taking it all in stride. 457 00:28:36,280 --> 00:28:40,546 — 'Cause suicide is painless — 458 00:28:40,651 --> 00:28:44,917 — It brings on many changes — 459 00:28:45,022 --> 00:28:48,116 — And I can take or leave it — 460 00:28:48,225 --> 00:28:51,922 — If I please —— 461 00:28:52,963 --> 00:28:54,897 Was that- Was that good? 462 00:28:54,999 --> 00:28:57,331 Oh, God. Thank you, man. 463 00:28:57,434 --> 00:28:59,402 G- Get the fruit. There's more points. 464 00:28:59,503 --> 00:29:01,835 - Get- Get the- Get the fruit. - I'm not gonna get the fruit. 465 00:29:01,939 --> 00:29:03,839 - Get the fruit. - I can't get the fruit. 466 00:29:03,941 --> 00:29:06,569 I'm not gonna get the fruit! There's a ghost right there! 467 00:29:08,579 --> 00:29:10,877 I can't believe you saved all those. 468 00:29:10,981 --> 00:29:14,577 L- Lois- L-Lois- You think Lois'll like these? 469 00:29:14,686 --> 00:29:17,314 - You love Lois! - Shut up! 470 00:29:17,422 --> 00:29:19,720 You know what? Give me your keys. 471 00:29:19,824 --> 00:29:22,520 - Oh, no. I'm fine. - No, no. Give me your keys. 472 00:29:22,627 --> 00:29:24,595 I'm fi- I'm drivin'. 473 00:29:24,696 --> 00:29:26,664 - Give me your keys. You're too drunk. - I'm okay. 474 00:29:26,765 --> 00:29:30,496 Peter- Meg- Brian. You're too- Brian, you're too drunk to drive. 475 00:29:30,602 --> 00:29:33,730 L- I-I a-am- I- 476 00:29:33,838 --> 00:29:36,102 You're right. Here. Here you go. 477 00:29:43,515 --> 00:29:45,608 Shh! 478 00:29:45,717 --> 00:29:50,381 And that's it for sports. Now let's go to Ollie Williams with Adopt-A-Pet of the week. 479 00:29:50,488 --> 00:29:52,456 - Who wants this dog? - Thanks, Ollie. 480 00:29:52,557 --> 00:29:56,085 And now let's go to Peter Griffin with "You Know What Really Grinds My-" 481 00:29:56,195 --> 00:29:58,686 Tom! What are you doing? You don't work here anymore. 482 00:29:58,798 --> 00:30:01,096 Well, Diane, I have an exclusive story- 483 00:30:01,200 --> 00:30:03,395 And I can't figure out how to check my e-mail from home. 484 00:30:03,502 --> 00:30:05,766 - Did you check your TCP/IPsettings? - Yes, I did, Ollie. 485 00:30:05,871 --> 00:30:07,839 - Enable cookies? - Yes, Ollie. 486 00:30:07,940 --> 00:30:09,965 - You want this dog? - No, thank you, Ollie. Roll tape. 487 00:30:10,076 --> 00:30:12,544 This was the scene at the Drunken Clam last night... 488 00:30:12,645 --> 00:30:14,613 ...as a car driven by an intoxicated infant... 489 00:30:14,714 --> 00:30:16,682 ...caused thousands of dollars-worth of damage. 490 00:30:16,782 --> 00:30:18,909 Put th- Put this on my tab. 491 00:30:19,018 --> 00:30:21,418 It was- It was, like, all slowed down. 492 00:30:21,520 --> 00:30:24,887 You know? And I was, like, "Whoa!" But I couldn't stop it. 493 00:30:24,991 --> 00:30:26,959 And who is the father of the child in that car? 494 00:30:27,059 --> 00:30:28,959 Ooh.! Tom.! Tom.! I know this. I know this. 495 00:30:29,061 --> 00:30:31,256 Tom, over here. Tom! Ooh! Ooh! 496 00:30:31,364 --> 00:30:35,562 The man you all respect so much. Your beloved Peter Griffin. 497 00:30:35,668 --> 00:30:38,035 Good thing he didn't call on me. I was gonna say "Grant Goodeve. " 498 00:30:38,138 --> 00:30:42,370 Thanks, Tom. And now, neglectful father and Quahog's newest social pariah... 499 00:30:42,476 --> 00:30:44,706 Peter Griffin, with another segment of"Grind My Gears. " 500 00:30:44,811 --> 00:30:46,836 - Peter. - Thank you, Diane. 501 00:30:46,947 --> 00:30:50,815 You know what really grinds my gears? People in the 19th century. 502 00:30:50,917 --> 00:30:53,351 Why don't they get with the freakin' program? 503 00:30:53,453 --> 00:30:57,389 It's called an automobile, folks. It's much faster than a horse. 504 00:30:58,625 --> 00:31:01,321 Oh. Well, it appears I've been fired. 505 00:31:01,428 --> 00:31:04,522 Well, as long as I'm no longer working here, let me tell you somethin'. 506 00:31:04,631 --> 00:31:08,089 You know what really grinds my gears? You, America. 507 00:31:08,201 --> 00:31:10,601 Fuck you! Diane. 508 00:31:11,872 --> 00:31:14,864 Hey, Tom. Catch! 509 00:31:22,550 --> 00:31:24,518 Did you miss Daddy? Did you miss Daddy? 510 00:31:24,619 --> 00:31:27,554 Oh, no. It's all right. It's- Oh, you're shaking. 511 00:31:33,695 --> 00:31:36,391 - Go away. - Huh. Little hung over? 512 00:31:36,497 --> 00:31:39,057 I am never going to drink again- Ever. 513 00:31:39,167 --> 00:31:41,692 I may have an occasional creme de menthe, but that's about it. 514 00:31:41,803 --> 00:31:44,203 Look, kid, you can't stay in bed all- Oh, God! You're nude! 515 00:31:44,305 --> 00:31:46,273 I am? What happened to my clothes? 516 00:31:46,374 --> 00:31:49,741 Good Lord! What the hell did I do last night? 517 00:31:49,844 --> 00:31:52,904 - I hope you learned something from all this. - I certainly did, Brian. 518 00:31:53,014 --> 00:31:54,982 It seems I'm still finding myself. 519 00:31:55,083 --> 00:31:58,177 Well, that's just life, Stewie. You gotta help yourself. No one's gonna do it for ya. 520 00:31:58,286 --> 00:32:00,312 Yes, I suppose you're right. 521 00:32:00,422 --> 00:32:02,982 It's just too bad there's not someone out there just like me... 522 00:32:03,092 --> 00:32:05,424 ...who understands me well enough to show me the way. 523 00:32:05,527 --> 00:32:08,519 Yeah. Stewie, I'm sure there's someone out there just like you. 524 00:32:12,568 --> 00:32:15,196 Yes, I've reserved a non-smoking room with a view of the bay. 525 00:32:15,304 --> 00:32:18,535 No soap in the bathroom, just moist towelettes and a sleep mask. 526 00:32:18,640 --> 00:32:22,770 And, um, could you send up a bouquet of orchids and a box ofToffifay? 527 00:32:22,878 --> 00:32:24,903 But, for the moment, I've just got to accept the fact... 528 00:32:25,013 --> 00:32:27,481 ...that I'm an angry boy who'll occasionally try to burn down a house... 529 00:32:27,583 --> 00:32:29,744 ...or toss a poison dart at his mother. 530 00:32:29,852 --> 00:32:33,083 After all, I can't let one near-death experience change my whole life, can I? 531 00:32:33,188 --> 00:32:35,247 I'm glad you finally figured that out. 532 00:32:35,357 --> 00:32:37,587 Although, I will say, for the record, you're a pretty fun drunk. 533 00:32:37,693 --> 00:32:40,594 Well, thank God there were no long-term repercussions. 534 00:32:43,767 --> 00:32:46,736 Oh! Got to play this one right, Roger. Can't seem desperate. 535 00:32:46,836 --> 00:32:48,963 Wait three days- that's the rule. 536 00:32:50,607 --> 00:32:52,837 Oh, God! I wanna talk to him now! 537 00:32:54,477 --> 00:32:56,468 Damn! 538 00:33:02,085 --> 00:33:04,781 Wow! This must be one of them new plasma TV's. 539 00:33:04,888 --> 00:33:07,220 - Would you like something to drink? - I'll have water, please. 540 00:33:07,323 --> 00:33:09,291 I'll have water too, but with lemon. 541 00:33:09,392 --> 00:33:12,225 - I'll have a Sam Adams. - It's 9:30 in the morning. 542 00:33:12,328 --> 00:33:14,558 And don't you have an outstanding D.U.I.? 543 00:33:14,664 --> 00:33:17,827 Yeah, but I've gotta get the taste of weed and hooker spit out of my mouth. 544 00:33:17,934 --> 00:33:19,959 I'll have a Sam Adams too. 545 00:33:20,069 --> 00:33:23,095 Samuel Adams- always a good decision. 546 00:33:23,206 --> 00:33:26,040 Okay, now, if I get a fax, can I stay online and still received the fax... 547 00:33:26,143 --> 00:33:28,111 ...without a dedicated line? 548 00:33:28,212 --> 00:33:32,239 Yeah, you can put a piece of paper in here and make, like, a phone call... 549 00:33:32,349 --> 00:33:36,445 ...and your friend will get another piece of paper with the same picture. 550 00:33:36,554 --> 00:33:40,046 Can I possibly speak to someone who didn't come to this country on a floating door? 551 00:33:40,157 --> 00:33:43,217 - Can I help you? - Yes. We're here to replace our VCR. 552 00:33:43,327 --> 00:33:46,125 Yeah, don't try any of your salesman funny business... 553 00:33:46,230 --> 00:33:48,790 ...like that guy who convinced me to buy that pet Tyrannosaurus. 554 00:33:48,899 --> 00:33:50,992 Okay, Patches, now fetch! 555 00:33:53,170 --> 00:33:56,628 Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Drop it. Drop it. Drop it. 556 00:33:56,740 --> 00:33:59,174 Ew. It's got spit all over it. 557 00:33:59,276 --> 00:34:01,836 A VCR? Let me show you something. 558 00:34:01,946 --> 00:34:03,914 It's called TiVo. It always records what your watching... 559 00:34:04,014 --> 00:34:05,982 ...so, you can re-watch anything you missed. 560 00:34:06,083 --> 00:34:08,484 Oh! Sounds fancy. How does it work? 561 00:34:08,587 --> 00:34:11,021 I'll tell ya how it works. Easy as pie, is how it works. 562 00:34:13,191 --> 00:34:15,455 I'll tell ya how it works. Easy as pie, is how it works. 563 00:34:15,560 --> 00:34:17,528 - Should I ring it up? - Hold on. Hold on. 564 00:34:17,629 --> 00:34:19,597 I think we should discuss it first. 565 00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:24,264 Some kind of palsy. 566 00:34:24,369 --> 00:34:26,337 Anyway, that's how I saved Christmas. 567 00:34:26,438 --> 00:34:28,463 Yeah, go ahead and bag this thing for us. 568 00:34:32,844 --> 00:34:35,836 Ah! Sweet, Quagmire. You got a Winnebago. 569 00:34:35,947 --> 00:34:38,177 You mean a "Wanna-bang-o"! 570 00:34:38,283 --> 00:34:40,251 How clever. 571 00:34:40,352 --> 00:34:42,320 Yeah, I'm gonna take her across the country... 572 00:34:42,420 --> 00:34:44,388 ...and bang a different broad in every state. 573 00:34:44,489 --> 00:34:46,719 - Also, gonna go to Vegas. - Oh, we went to Vegas once. 574 00:34:46,825 --> 00:34:48,794 Remember, Lois? We saw theJew Man group? 575 00:34:53,065 --> 00:34:55,056 Dad, what are you doing? 576 00:34:55,167 --> 00:34:57,863 I'm fast-forwarding through this pesky TV show so I can get to the commercials. 577 00:34:57,970 --> 00:35:00,700 Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley and I have diabetes. 578 00:35:00,806 --> 00:35:04,242 It hurts me to pee and it causes me to be short with my family. 579 00:35:04,343 --> 00:35:06,368 I can't sleep at night. 580 00:35:06,479 --> 00:35:09,141 The other day, I stubbed my toe and took it out on the dog. 581 00:35:09,248 --> 00:35:13,082 Two weeks ago, I ran out of vanilla ice cream and struck my wife. 582 00:35:13,185 --> 00:35:15,949 Then I find out my wife's been dead for six years. 583 00:35:16,055 --> 00:35:18,080 Who the hell did I hit? 584 00:35:20,927 --> 00:35:24,158 Lunch is ready! Come and get it! 585 00:35:24,263 --> 00:35:26,424 Hey, what do you think it is, boogers on a biscuit? 586 00:35:26,532 --> 00:35:30,059 That's prob-That's probably what it is. 587 00:35:30,169 --> 00:35:32,331 We now go live to the streets of San Francisco... 588 00:35:32,439 --> 00:35:34,771 ...with Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa. 589 00:35:34,875 --> 00:35:37,776 - Diane, is she Chinese orJapanese? - She's Japanese, Tom. 590 00:35:37,878 --> 00:35:40,005 Wow. I know a Japanese woman. 591 00:35:40,113 --> 00:35:42,809 Tom, I'm standing here amidst the heated debate... 592 00:35:42,916 --> 00:35:45,544 ...over a recent petition to change the name of the city... 593 00:35:45,652 --> 00:35:49,645 ...from San Francisco to something a little less gay. 594 00:35:49,756 --> 00:35:53,419 Excuse me, sir. What would you like to rename San Francisco? 595 00:35:53,527 --> 00:35:57,224 Well, given the wonderful shoe shopping, I would cast my vote for "Heaven. " 596 00:35:57,331 --> 00:35:59,231 - Who the hell was that? - What? 597 00:35:59,333 --> 00:36:01,597 I say, press the button. Make it stop. Oh, my God. 598 00:36:01,702 --> 00:36:04,398 - He looks just like me. - You know what? He does. 599 00:36:04,504 --> 00:36:08,099 - Almost looks like he could be your father. - He could be my father. 600 00:36:08,208 --> 00:36:10,301 My real father. I knew it! 601 00:36:10,410 --> 00:36:13,004 Lois must have mated with this poor fellow. 602 00:36:13,114 --> 00:36:15,014 I've got to get out to California. 603 00:36:15,116 --> 00:36:17,448 I dare say, I'd fit right in with the kids from 90210- 604 00:36:17,552 --> 00:36:19,679 ...even the older-looking one. 605 00:36:21,122 --> 00:36:23,317 Boy, that test sure is gonna be hard tomorrow. 606 00:36:23,424 --> 00:36:26,188 You said it, Donna. Hey, Andrea, can you help me study? 607 00:36:26,294 --> 00:36:28,888 - What? - I said, "Can you help me study?" 608 00:36:28,997 --> 00:36:31,329 Dylan, I fixed your socks. 609 00:36:31,432 --> 00:36:33,730 Hey, Andrea, are we still goin' to the concert? 610 00:36:33,835 --> 00:36:38,829 This used to be all orange groves, far as the eye could see. 611 00:36:38,940 --> 00:36:40,908 Okay. So, I'll pick you up at 7:00. 612 00:36:41,009 --> 00:36:45,742 Barbara Stanwyck and I used to take the trolley. 613 00:36:45,847 --> 00:36:48,941 Hey, Lois.! Thought you might be in the mood for a classic. 614 00:36:49,050 --> 00:36:53,419 — Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Na-na, na-na, na-na, na-na Spider-Man — 615 00:36:53,521 --> 00:36:55,683 — Spider-Man — 616 00:36:55,791 --> 00:36:58,157 — Here comes Peter on the clothesline but his name's not Peter — 617 00:36:58,260 --> 00:37:00,626 — It is Spider-Man Spider-Man — 618 00:37:00,729 --> 00:37:03,254 — Come on, Lois Let's get busy, maybe in the garden right here — 619 00:37:03,365 --> 00:37:06,198 — Spider-Man Spider-Man — 620 00:37:06,301 --> 00:37:08,963 — Touch my can with your hand Spider-Man — 621 00:37:09,071 --> 00:37:12,006 Oh! Help! Spider-Man. 622 00:37:12,107 --> 00:37:14,337 I'm being attacked by the evil rosebush. 623 00:37:14,443 --> 00:37:16,411 Ah! I'll save you, MaryJane! 624 00:37:20,182 --> 00:37:22,582 - Oh, my God! - I don't know what they're fighting about... 625 00:37:22,684 --> 00:37:24,811 ...but I think Dad's winning. 626 00:37:24,920 --> 00:37:27,684 - Go, Dad! - Kids, can we have some privacy, please? 627 00:37:27,790 --> 00:37:31,123 Yeah, you guys are more annoying than that announcer on those TV commercials. 628 00:37:31,226 --> 00:37:33,353 Wacky, waving, inflatable-arm-flailing tube man.! 629 00:37:33,462 --> 00:37:35,726 Wacky, waving, inflatable-arm-flailing tube man.! 630 00:37:35,831 --> 00:37:37,800 Wacky, waving, inflatable-arm-flailing tube man.! 631 00:37:37,901 --> 00:37:40,699 Hi, I'm Al Harrington, president and C.E.O. Of Al Harrington's... 632 00:37:40,804 --> 00:37:44,331 Wacky, Waving, Inflatable-Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse. 633 00:37:44,441 --> 00:37:46,966 Thanks to a shipping error, I am now currently overstocked... 634 00:37:47,077 --> 00:37:49,511 ...on wacky, waving inflatable-arm-flailing tube men... 635 00:37:49,612 --> 00:37:52,172 ...and I am passing the savings on to you! 636 00:37:52,282 --> 00:37:55,410 Attract customers to your business, make a splash at your next presentation... 637 00:37:55,518 --> 00:37:58,578 ...keep Grandma company, protect your crops, confuse your neighbors. 638 00:37:58,688 --> 00:38:02,988 African-American? Hail a cab, testify in church orjust raise the roof. 639 00:38:03,093 --> 00:38:06,358 Whatever your wacky, waving inflatable-arm-flailing tube man needs are. 640 00:38:06,463 --> 00:38:08,454 So, come on down to Al Harrington's... 641 00:38:08,565 --> 00:38:10,999 Wacky, Waving Inflatable-Arm-Flailing Tube Man Emporium and Warehouse. 642 00:38:11,101 --> 00:38:13,535 Route 2 in Weekapaug! 643 00:38:16,372 --> 00:38:19,307 Please forgive me, Mr. Oinkbaum. You will be missed. 644 00:38:19,409 --> 00:38:21,378 - There we are. - What are you doing? 645 00:38:21,479 --> 00:38:23,413 None of your bees wax, Ramona. 646 00:38:23,514 --> 00:38:26,608 But if you must know, I need a plane ticket to San Francisco. 647 00:38:26,717 --> 00:38:29,049 Good luck. Plane tickets are about 450 bucks. 648 00:38:29,153 --> 00:38:31,644 400- Brian, hit me in the mouth. 649 00:38:31,755 --> 00:38:34,383 - What? Why? - I hear this Tooth Fairy gives you money for your teeth. 650 00:38:34,492 --> 00:38:36,483 - Have at it. - Uh, okay. 651 00:38:36,594 --> 00:38:38,562 No, no! Don't, don't, don't! Stop. Stop. 652 00:38:38,662 --> 00:38:40,630 - Why did you stop? I said, "Hit me. " - You flinched. 653 00:38:40,731 --> 00:38:42,722 Well, of course I flinched. You were going to hit me. 654 00:38:42,833 --> 00:38:45,063 - Well, make up your mind. What do you want me to do? - Hit me. 655 00:38:45,169 --> 00:38:47,137 No, no. D-Don't. 656 00:38:47,238 --> 00:38:49,468 I'm sorry. Look, I know I'm being hard to read- 657 00:38:57,348 --> 00:39:00,146 Hey! You there! Buy this yellow drink. 658 00:39:00,251 --> 00:39:03,779 Hey, preggo. Preggo. Hey, I'm talkin' to you, tubby. 659 00:39:03,889 --> 00:39:06,323 Oh, don't you ignore me. Ooh! 660 00:39:06,424 --> 00:39:09,393 Pardon me, sir. Sir? Sir? Oh, the hell with this. 661 00:39:13,064 --> 00:39:15,897 So, we had to do it the hard way, hmm? 662 00:39:16,001 --> 00:39:19,459 Six bucks? Nice-looking wife you've got. 663 00:39:19,571 --> 00:39:21,937 Maybe I'll look her up while you're in the hospital. 664 00:39:22,040 --> 00:39:24,565 Don't forget your lemonade. 665 00:39:27,946 --> 00:39:30,039 Oh, there you are. I thought you should- 666 00:39:30,148 --> 00:39:32,207 - What are you doing? - Paying bills. 667 00:39:32,317 --> 00:39:34,751 - What bills? You have bills? - Well, there's cable and- 668 00:39:34,853 --> 00:39:38,414 - Peter pays for the cable! - It's at this, uh- It's at this girl's house. 669 00:39:38,523 --> 00:39:41,219 - Do you want something? - Yes. I'm still short for my trip. 670 00:39:41,326 --> 00:39:44,956 I've only got $200. I suggest you pony up the difference immediately... 671 00:39:45,064 --> 00:39:48,090 ...or I'll e-mail the contents of your hard drive to the F.B.I. 672 00:39:48,201 --> 00:39:50,226 What are you talking about? There's nothing on there. 673 00:39:54,207 --> 00:39:57,176 Stewie, why is it so hard to accept that Peter's your real father? 674 00:39:57,276 --> 00:39:59,267 Because he's an idiot. 675 00:39:59,378 --> 00:40:01,346 You remember that time he went to the Today show. 676 00:40:01,447 --> 00:40:04,348 Coming up on Today. Tom Cruise has a new movie. We're gonna be talking to him. 677 00:40:04,450 --> 00:40:06,350 Katie. 678 00:40:06,452 --> 00:40:09,353 - Funnyman Al Franken will be stopping by for a visit. - Katie! 679 00:40:09,455 --> 00:40:12,356 - And Wolfgang Puck shares his recipe for apple strudel. - Katie! 680 00:40:12,458 --> 00:40:16,417 So stay tuned because we've got all this and more coming up in the next hour. 681 00:40:16,529 --> 00:40:18,429 Katie! 682 00:40:18,531 --> 00:40:20,499 - What? - Oh, well, never mind. 683 00:40:23,102 --> 00:40:25,832 - Care to join me, Lois? - Ah! 684 00:40:25,938 --> 00:40:29,670 Uh, Peter, how am I supposed to- 685 00:40:29,776 --> 00:40:34,270 - Oh, oh, oh. Sorry. Sorry. Where are my manners? - Oh, What a gentleman. 686 00:40:36,316 --> 00:40:38,546 There ya go. 687 00:40:38,652 --> 00:40:42,053 - Oh! Oh, God. You okay, honey? - Yeah, I'm all right. 688 00:40:42,155 --> 00:40:44,350 Oh, this is nice. 689 00:40:44,458 --> 00:40:49,293 Mom, Meg says Omar Sharif is dead, but I think she's thinkin' of Anthony Quinn. 690 00:40:49,396 --> 00:40:51,694 Chris, your father and I are in the tub. 691 00:40:51,798 --> 00:40:54,392 And, Meg, you are thinking of Anthony Quinn. Now, get out! 692 00:40:54,501 --> 00:40:57,698 Peter, this is ridiculous. We have no privacy here. 693 00:40:57,804 --> 00:41:00,170 We gotta get those kids outta the house once in a while. 694 00:41:00,274 --> 00:41:03,175 - Shouldn't they be dating? - Aw, that doesn't solve the problem, Lois. 695 00:41:03,277 --> 00:41:06,405 If they start datin', I mean, their rooms are right next to each other. 696 00:41:06,513 --> 00:41:09,005 They'll start havin' sex. We'll never get 'em outta the house. 697 00:41:09,117 --> 00:41:12,678 No, no, you idiot. I'm talking about them dating other people. 698 00:41:12,787 --> 00:41:15,119 Look, I'm gonna start spending some time with Chris... 699 00:41:15,223 --> 00:41:17,487 ...and I'll show him how to attract a woman. 700 00:41:17,592 --> 00:41:19,719 Yeah, and I'll spend some time with Meg. 701 00:41:19,827 --> 00:41:21,920 I've spent lots of time with her... 702 00:41:22,030 --> 00:41:24,294 ...like when we went on our last crusade to find the Holy Grail. 703 00:41:24,399 --> 00:41:27,664 - Choose wisely. - Uh, I choose this one. 704 00:41:27,769 --> 00:41:29,862 - How did you know? - Well, I kinda figured... 705 00:41:29,971 --> 00:41:31,939 ...the coffee mug that says "Jesus. " 706 00:41:32,040 --> 00:41:34,565 - Oh, right. Right. - Pretty obvious. 707 00:41:34,676 --> 00:41:36,644 Great. Let's kiss on it. 708 00:41:36,744 --> 00:41:39,110 Come here, you. 709 00:41:41,883 --> 00:41:45,148 Oh! You bleedin'? Yeah, you're bleedin'. 710 00:41:47,288 --> 00:41:49,256 Don't tell me you're goin' to California on that. 711 00:41:49,357 --> 00:41:51,758 Bicycling is hard, but it has its benefits. 712 00:41:51,860 --> 00:41:55,387 Did you know Lance Armstrong is dating Sheryl Crow? 713 00:41:55,497 --> 00:41:58,398 You know, it really speaks to her character that she can get past... 714 00:41:58,500 --> 00:42:00,468 ...the whole "he had cancer" thing... 715 00:42:00,569 --> 00:42:02,662 ...and still find him sexually attractive. 716 00:42:02,771 --> 00:42:05,171 Really speaks to her character. L- I respect that. 717 00:42:05,274 --> 00:42:07,299 Hey, Brian, what do ya think of my sign? 718 00:42:07,409 --> 00:42:11,243 "Quagmire's Cross-country Tour. " Uh, isn't there an "O" in "country"? 719 00:42:11,347 --> 00:42:14,646 Nope. Look out, California. Here I come. 720 00:42:14,750 --> 00:42:16,775 California! 721 00:42:16,885 --> 00:42:18,910 - What are you doing? - Well, you heard Captain Syphilis. 722 00:42:19,021 --> 00:42:22,286 - We're going to California. - Oh, come on. You can't go alone with Quagmire. 723 00:42:22,391 --> 00:42:26,725 Look, I'll tell you what. If you're serious about this, I'll go with you. 724 00:42:26,829 --> 00:42:28,854 Although I should probably ask Peter and Lois if it's okay. 725 00:42:28,964 --> 00:42:31,694 Oh, they won't even know we're gone. 726 00:42:31,800 --> 00:42:34,531 Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce? 727 00:42:34,637 --> 00:42:37,265 I am a tool. Stewie is much better than me at everything... 728 00:42:37,374 --> 00:42:39,399 ...including arts and crafts and the guitar. 729 00:42:39,509 --> 00:42:41,534 I have no friends. 730 00:42:41,644 --> 00:42:45,273 - Glad you guys are joinin' me. - Did you guys see Three Men and a Baby? 731 00:42:45,382 --> 00:42:48,442 - Yeah. - There's a ghost in there behind the window. 732 00:42:48,551 --> 00:42:50,644 That's an urban legend. It's just a piece of cardboard. 733 00:42:50,754 --> 00:42:53,746 - No, it's a ghost. I heard. - You heard from who? 734 00:42:53,857 --> 00:42:55,848 - From, uh... Lois. - Yeah, right. 735 00:42:55,959 --> 00:42:57,927 - Cleveland? Death? - No. No. 736 00:42:58,027 --> 00:43:00,052 - Greased-up Deaf Guy? - He said that? 737 00:43:06,899 --> 00:43:09,265 Yeah, yeah, yeah. 738 00:43:11,670 --> 00:43:13,729 Ow! Damn it! 739 00:43:13,839 --> 00:43:16,001 - What are you doing? - Your knight was at king's rook six. 740 00:43:16,109 --> 00:43:19,169 No, my bishop was at king's rook six. My knight was at queen five. 741 00:43:19,279 --> 00:43:21,247 - No, no, no. It was- - Yes. Yes. 742 00:43:21,347 --> 00:43:23,372 No. In your dreams your knight was at queen five. 743 00:43:23,483 --> 00:43:25,451 - I was sitting right- - I saw right- 744 00:43:25,552 --> 00:43:27,520 - Yeah- - Oh! Look at that! Look at that! 745 00:43:27,620 --> 00:43:29,588 Now your knight is at refrigerator five. 746 00:43:29,689 --> 00:43:32,522 - That's real mature. - Yeah, well, who comes out a winner? Me. 747 00:43:32,625 --> 00:43:36,994 Griffin once again. 748 00:43:37,096 --> 00:43:39,621 Undefeated champion of the world! 749 00:43:44,671 --> 00:43:47,367 You know, San Francisco is a big place. 750 00:43:47,473 --> 00:43:49,566 Have you thought about how you're gonna find this guy? 751 00:43:49,676 --> 00:43:52,270 Simple, Brian. Look at this. 752 00:43:53,780 --> 00:43:57,512 My God! This poor fellow had relations with Lois. 753 00:43:57,618 --> 00:44:00,178 That's more disgusting than my cousin Quark Griffin. 754 00:44:00,287 --> 00:44:04,849 I'm watching your every move, Quark, so don't think you can get away with any law-breaking. 755 00:44:04,959 --> 00:44:06,984 - Yeah, yeah. Whatever, man. - I mean it! 756 00:44:07,094 --> 00:44:09,324 - You'll have me to deal with. - Ooh! I'm really scared. 757 00:44:09,430 --> 00:44:11,898 I could morph into a giant python and eat you alive. 758 00:44:11,999 --> 00:44:13,899 Hey, here's an idea- 759 00:44:14,001 --> 00:44:16,902 Why don't you morph into a guy with something interesting to talk about? 760 00:44:19,006 --> 00:44:22,999 Kids, your mother and I have decided we're gonna help you two get out in the dating world. 761 00:44:23,110 --> 00:44:24,668 That's right. 762 00:44:24,778 --> 00:44:27,679 Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man... 763 00:44:27,781 --> 00:44:29,681 ...who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat. 764 00:44:29,783 --> 00:44:32,684 - Why you gotta break balls? - Meg, when I get through with you... 765 00:44:32,786 --> 00:44:35,380 ...you're gonna be beatin' guys off with both hands. 766 00:44:35,489 --> 00:44:38,390 - This is gonna be so fun! - Hey! Zip it. 767 00:44:38,492 --> 00:44:42,987 Rule number one: No speakee until the man speakee to you. 768 00:44:46,935 --> 00:44:48,835 I say, are we moving on yet? 769 00:44:48,937 --> 00:44:51,371 Just hang out, little guy. I'll see you in a while. 770 00:44:51,473 --> 00:44:54,601 Oh, very well. I suppose I'll go pump the chemical toilet. 771 00:44:54,709 --> 00:44:57,143 Apparently you're about to do the same. 772 00:44:59,581 --> 00:45:02,072 What the hell is taking him so long? 773 00:45:02,183 --> 00:45:04,413 I'm missing precious time with my father. 774 00:45:04,519 --> 00:45:06,987 Which one of these is the horn? 775 00:45:07,088 --> 00:45:08,851 That's not it. 776 00:45:08,957 --> 00:45:10,754 That's not it either. 777 00:45:12,093 --> 00:45:15,392 - Do something. - I'm afraid to press anything else. 778 00:45:16,698 --> 00:45:19,428 Okay, Meg, lesson one for attracting a man. 779 00:45:19,534 --> 00:45:22,902 - I want you to shave my back. - Eew! Why would I want to do that? 780 00:45:23,005 --> 00:45:27,601 Trust me, Meg. Shave a man's back for him and he'll purr like a walrus. 781 00:45:32,448 --> 00:45:35,349 All right, Chris, now that we've talked about kissing and cuddling... 782 00:45:35,451 --> 00:45:38,181 ...it's time to practice eating out... 783 00:45:38,287 --> 00:45:40,312 ...at a fancy restaurant! 784 00:45:45,761 --> 00:45:47,786 All right, that's it. 785 00:45:47,897 --> 00:45:50,798 Listen, you pervert, what the devil is taking so lo- 786 00:45:50,900 --> 00:45:53,232 - Good lord! - Oh, Stewie. Thank God. 787 00:45:53,336 --> 00:45:55,998 That cleaning lady cleaned me out. She took all my money. 788 00:45:56,105 --> 00:45:58,130 Grab those keys over there, will ya? 789 00:45:58,240 --> 00:46:00,140 What, these keys? These keys here? 790 00:46:00,242 --> 00:46:02,073 These the ones you want? Hmm? 791 00:46:02,178 --> 00:46:04,010 Up yours! 792 00:46:08,218 --> 00:46:11,119 What the hell are you doing? Where's Quagmire? 793 00:46:11,221 --> 00:46:14,019 - He said to go without him. - We're stealing the Winnebago, aren't we? 794 00:46:14,124 --> 00:46:16,092 Oh, you can read me like a book, Brian. 795 00:46:16,193 --> 00:46:18,093 Breaker-breaker, Sidewinder. This is Party Pooper. 796 00:46:18,195 --> 00:46:20,095 Don't want to be a ratchet jaw... 797 00:46:20,197 --> 00:46:22,859 ...but looks like we've got a seat cover feeding the bears in a chicken coop, come on. 798 00:46:32,843 --> 00:46:34,743 Dad, why are we just sitting here? 799 00:46:34,845 --> 00:46:36,745 Just give me a minute, Meg. 800 00:46:36,847 --> 00:46:40,180 - What am I supposed to be learning about dating from... Ahh. 801 00:46:40,283 --> 00:46:42,683 Oh, my God, Dad! You farted! 802 00:46:42,786 --> 00:46:45,688 - That is so nasty! - No! No, no, Meg! 803 00:46:45,790 --> 00:46:47,690 Meg, this is crucial. All right? 804 00:46:47,792 --> 00:46:51,592 The sexiest thing a woman can do for a man is learn to love his gas. 805 00:46:51,696 --> 00:46:53,596 Love the gas, Meg. Love it! 806 00:46:55,700 --> 00:46:58,100 No, Meg! No, no! This is why we're here. 807 00:46:58,202 --> 00:47:00,602 This is why we're here. This is why we're here. 808 00:47:02,206 --> 00:47:05,107 Chris, you've gotta learn how to talk to girls. 809 00:47:05,209 --> 00:47:09,543 So I'll ask you again: What are the names of the women on Sex and the City? 810 00:47:09,647 --> 00:47:12,639 Uh... Carrie... 811 00:47:12,750 --> 00:47:14,980 Miranda, uh... 812 00:47:15,086 --> 00:47:17,680 Samantha and... 813 00:47:17,789 --> 00:47:20,451 ...uh, Scrappy-Doo? 814 00:47:20,558 --> 00:47:22,719 - Hit him, Endo. - Aaah! Aaah! Aah! 815 00:47:22,827 --> 00:47:25,625 Bosley? Uh, Tootie? Uh, Sheena Easton? 816 00:47:25,730 --> 00:47:27,699 Aaah! Aaah! 817 00:47:29,301 --> 00:47:31,394 Think we should go back for Quagmire? 818 00:47:31,503 --> 00:47:33,630 He'll be all right. He's resourceful. 819 00:47:38,343 --> 00:47:40,709 Damn it! 820 00:47:42,047 --> 00:47:44,447 Yeah.! Okay.! Yeah.! 821 00:47:44,550 --> 00:47:47,451 That's it.! Again.! Yeah.! 822 00:47:49,421 --> 00:47:50,945 All right! 823 00:47:56,829 --> 00:47:58,729 - Are you all right? - Never better! 824 00:47:58,831 --> 00:48:01,732 I got some pep pills from a trucker at the last stop! 825 00:48:01,834 --> 00:48:03,927 - Keeps me awake! - You took pills? 826 00:48:04,036 --> 00:48:07,403 West coast turnarounds! Trucker said to only take one, but I took all of them! 827 00:48:07,506 --> 00:48:09,497 - Maybe you should slow down. - Why? We're making good time! 828 00:48:09,608 --> 00:48:11,509 - We're not even on the road! - Huh? 829 00:48:11,611 --> 00:48:14,011 - I said, we're not even on the road! - Don't need to be! 830 00:48:14,113 --> 00:48:15,910 Compass says west. That's where we're headed. 831 00:48:16,015 --> 00:48:18,415 - Stewie, we're in the middle of the desert. - I know! 832 00:48:18,518 --> 00:48:21,419 Imagine the nads on those guys who did this on a wagon! 833 00:48:21,521 --> 00:48:23,785 Pioneers, Brian! We share their spirit! Manifest Destiny! 834 00:48:23,890 --> 00:48:26,552 - All right, that's it. Give me the wheel. - Go to hell! 835 00:48:45,445 --> 00:48:48,346 This is horrible. 836 00:48:48,448 --> 00:48:52,112 - I'm so thirsty. - Oh, my God, Brian. Do you see what I see? 837 00:48:52,219 --> 00:48:54,380 A Dr. Pepper machine? 838 00:48:54,488 --> 00:48:56,319 Yes! Oh, I can taste it now! 839 00:49:05,266 --> 00:49:07,291 Damn it. It was a mirage. 840 00:49:07,401 --> 00:49:09,801 Oh, a RC Cola machine. 841 00:49:09,904 --> 00:49:12,304 - Oh, that's it! I give up! - What do you mean? 842 00:49:12,406 --> 00:49:15,307 I never should have attempted this in the first place. 843 00:49:15,409 --> 00:49:17,809 - It was stupid! - Hey, hey. Come on, now. 844 00:49:17,912 --> 00:49:20,813 - You've come this far. Haven't you? - It's no use! 845 00:49:20,915 --> 00:49:24,316 Even if my real father is out there, he probably doesn't want to see me. 846 00:49:26,420 --> 00:49:28,320 You gotta see this through to the end. 847 00:49:28,422 --> 00:49:30,822 Maybe this guy is your real father. Maybe not. 848 00:49:30,925 --> 00:49:34,157 But if you don't find out, you're gonna spend the rest of your life wondering. 849 00:49:34,262 --> 00:49:36,162 Well, maybe you're right. 850 00:49:36,264 --> 00:49:38,562 Come on. I'll stick by you the whole way... 851 00:49:38,667 --> 00:49:41,067 ...just like I did when we were Siamese twins. 852 00:49:41,169 --> 00:49:44,536 Hey, look at that woman, Brian. She has no business in shorts. 853 00:49:44,639 --> 00:49:47,005 Hey! You have no business in shorts! 854 00:49:47,108 --> 00:49:49,736 Ooh, tortillas! Let's do soft tacos tonight. 855 00:49:52,747 --> 00:49:55,648 Well, we've taught you well, children. It's in God's hands now. 856 00:49:55,750 --> 00:49:58,184 Now go to the mall and find yourself some dates. 857 00:49:58,286 --> 00:50:01,653 Find a girl who smokes. Remember, if she smokes, she pokes. 858 00:50:01,756 --> 00:50:03,656 Bye, kids. 859 00:50:03,758 --> 00:50:06,192 - Do you think they're ready, Peter? - I don't care. 860 00:50:06,294 --> 00:50:09,752 - All I care about is that we have our alone time. - Me too. 861 00:50:09,864 --> 00:50:13,391 - Are we terrible people? - Nah, nah. We're not terrible people, Lois. 862 00:50:13,501 --> 00:50:15,469 Horses are terrible people. 863 00:50:17,573 --> 00:50:19,564 Murder! Murder! 864 00:50:26,515 --> 00:50:28,710 Well, we made it. San Francisco. 865 00:50:28,818 --> 00:50:31,218 I bet this city's filled with kooky roommates... 866 00:50:31,320 --> 00:50:33,481 ...like the kind you see all living together on TV. 867 00:50:36,092 --> 00:50:38,993 - Hey, Lion-O, what's going on? - I'm not sure, Cheetara. 868 00:50:39,095 --> 00:50:41,996 But I've got a bad feeling Mumm-Ra's up to something. 869 00:50:42,098 --> 00:50:45,261 Hmm. I'll be right back. I'm gonna use the john. 870 00:50:45,368 --> 00:50:49,031 Eye of Thundera, give me sight beyond sight. 871 00:50:51,240 --> 00:50:54,732 Lion-O, what are you doing? Snarf! Snarf! 872 00:50:54,844 --> 00:50:57,745 Oh, hey, uh- Not much, not much. 873 00:50:57,847 --> 00:51:00,783 You want to get wasted or something? 874 00:51:07,658 --> 00:51:10,388 Let's split up and try to find him. 875 00:51:13,997 --> 00:51:17,398 Yeah, I just checked in. Yeah, I might lose you. I just got in the elevator. 876 00:51:17,501 --> 00:51:19,731 Yeah, I'm gonna grab a shower. 877 00:51:19,836 --> 00:51:22,396 D- Did you guys eat yet? 878 00:51:22,506 --> 00:51:25,407 No- No, I'll- No, I'll just take a cab. 879 00:51:25,509 --> 00:51:27,409 You got your car? 880 00:51:27,511 --> 00:51:29,536 Do you wanna pick me up? 881 00:51:29,646 --> 00:51:32,547 Do you- Do you wanna- Do you wanna pick me up? 882 00:51:32,649 --> 00:51:34,549 Do you wanna pick me up? 883 00:51:34,651 --> 00:51:37,415 Do you wanna pick me up? Do you wanna pick me up? 884 00:51:45,063 --> 00:51:47,554 Father! 885 00:52:01,345 --> 00:52:04,178 Aah! Utedi.! Utedi.! 886 00:52:04,282 --> 00:52:06,250 Filthy creatures. 887 00:52:23,669 --> 00:52:25,569 Whoa-ohh! 888 00:52:25,671 --> 00:52:28,071 Damn! Why is there always a fruit stand? 889 00:52:28,173 --> 00:52:30,073 High-speed pursuit in progress... 890 00:52:30,175 --> 00:52:32,075 ...headed south on Powell toward Market Street. 891 00:52:32,177 --> 00:52:34,975 You heard him, people. Powell and Market. Move it! 892 00:52:37,116 --> 00:52:40,017 I feel like I've searched this whole bloody city. 893 00:52:40,119 --> 00:52:43,520 I suppose this means I'll never find the answer to who I really am. 894 00:52:43,622 --> 00:52:45,522 Oh, well. See you gents later. 895 00:52:45,624 --> 00:52:47,524 Free Tibet. No grapes. All that. 896 00:52:47,626 --> 00:52:50,857 Dude, I could have sworn that Nerf football was just talkin' to me. 897 00:52:53,632 --> 00:52:56,362 - Are you done with the arts section? - Of course. 898 00:52:58,137 --> 00:53:00,697 - Oh, my God! - Oh, dear. 899 00:53:00,806 --> 00:53:02,706 Oh, dear, oh, dear. This is not good. 900 00:53:02,808 --> 00:53:04,708 This is very bad. Very bad. 901 00:53:04,810 --> 00:53:08,372 Oh, Daddy, I knew I'd find you! I knew Peter couldn't be my real father! 902 00:53:08,481 --> 00:53:10,813 No, no, no. You've gotten it all wrong, Stewie. 903 00:53:10,917 --> 00:53:12,885 Stewie? How do you know my name? 904 00:53:12,986 --> 00:53:15,716 Because I'm not your father. I'm you. 905 00:53:19,726 --> 00:53:21,626 What the hell is this? 906 00:53:21,728 --> 00:53:24,629 Looks like an intermission, a chance to stretch the legs. 907 00:53:24,731 --> 00:53:27,131 Oh, man, I peed in this cup for nothin'? 908 00:53:27,233 --> 00:53:29,633 Dad, I just kicked over your Coke. 909 00:53:29,736 --> 00:53:33,137 I look atrocious.! Did you see my ass? Oh, my God.! 910 00:53:33,239 --> 00:53:36,504 This stinks.! I can't believe they cut my whole sex scene.! 911 00:53:36,609 --> 00:53:38,509 It was so tastefully done.! 912 00:53:38,611 --> 00:53:41,512 Peter, could you go to the concession stand? I want something to suck on. 913 00:53:41,614 --> 00:53:43,514 Giggedy-giggedy.! 914 00:53:43,616 --> 00:53:47,017 Hey, Quagmire, you think we got time to go outside and burn one? 915 00:53:47,121 --> 00:53:49,521 It's not over yet? How long is this thing? 916 00:53:49,623 --> 00:53:53,525 Chris, do you have a shower scene? Or do I have to keep dreamin'? 917 00:53:53,627 --> 00:53:55,527 Mmm. 918 00:53:55,629 --> 00:53:57,392 All right, we're back. 919 00:54:01,368 --> 00:54:03,199 You're me from the future? That's absurd. 920 00:54:03,304 --> 00:54:05,204 I'm afraid it's true, Stewie. 921 00:54:05,306 --> 00:54:07,706 I'm the man you dreamed you'd be when you were alone in your bedroom... 922 00:54:07,808 --> 00:54:10,800 ...planning world domination and singing Donna Summer into your hairbrush. 923 00:54:10,911 --> 00:54:13,402 — Tell him to just get out — 924 00:54:13,514 --> 00:54:16,074 — Nothin' left to talk about — 925 00:54:16,183 --> 00:54:18,879 — Pack his raincoat Show him out — 926 00:54:18,986 --> 00:54:22,752 —Just look him in the eyes and simply shout — 927 00:54:22,857 --> 00:54:24,848 — Enough is enough Is enough — 928 00:54:24,959 --> 00:54:28,918 — I can't go on I can't go on no more now — 929 00:54:29,029 --> 00:54:30,793 — Enough is enough Is enough — 930 00:54:30,899 --> 00:54:35,165 — I want him out I want him out that door now —— 931 00:54:35,270 --> 00:54:37,170 It is you- Uh, me! 932 00:54:37,272 --> 00:54:40,799 Oh, God, I have to many questions about the future. Is all food in pill form? 933 00:54:40,909 --> 00:54:45,039 Do they have flying cars? Did they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne? 934 00:54:45,146 --> 00:54:48,047 I can't answer those questions. I'm not even supposed to be talking to you. 935 00:54:48,149 --> 00:54:51,016 - It's a violation of the terms of my vacation. - Vacation? 936 00:54:51,119 --> 00:54:55,556 Yes. In the future, people take vacations not to destinations, but to periods of time. 937 00:54:55,657 --> 00:54:58,319 Just last summer I went back to visitJesus Christ. 938 00:54:58,426 --> 00:55:01,327 Turns out his abilities might have been exaggerated a bit. 939 00:55:22,318 --> 00:55:25,378 I've already said enough. I should be getting back. 940 00:55:25,488 --> 00:55:27,888 You can't just leave me. I must know my future. 941 00:55:27,990 --> 00:55:31,391 Sorry. It's against the rules. Good-bye, Stewie. 942 00:55:31,494 --> 00:55:33,553 Surprise! 943 00:55:34,664 --> 00:55:36,564 Oh, this is just great. 944 00:55:36,666 --> 00:55:38,896 I can't believe it! This is the future- 945 00:55:39,001 --> 00:55:41,094 Wait a minute. Everything looks the same. 946 00:55:41,203 --> 00:55:43,831 - Well, of course. It's only been 30 years. - Where are the monuments to me? 947 00:55:43,940 --> 00:55:45,840 Where are my legions of followers? 948 00:55:45,942 --> 00:55:50,106 I thought I'd be absolute ruler of the world by now, far away from that house full of idiots. 949 00:56:02,526 --> 00:56:05,427 Sorry, Stewie. I abandoned my quest for world domination long ago. 950 00:56:05,529 --> 00:56:08,430 Well, am I at least a city councilman or something? 951 00:56:08,532 --> 00:56:10,932 - Sorry. - Oh, this is nothing like I imagined. 952 00:56:11,034 --> 00:56:12,934 I thought the future would be different... 953 00:56:13,036 --> 00:56:16,096 ...with jet packs, eco-domes and TV they can beam right into your head. 954 00:56:16,206 --> 00:56:18,106 Uh, give me Mork and Mindy. 955 00:56:19,376 --> 00:56:22,607 That's not how you sit in a chair! 956 00:56:24,214 --> 00:56:26,114 I'm late to Sunday dinner with the family. 957 00:56:26,216 --> 00:56:29,117 You'll have to wait in the car until I can send you back. 958 00:56:29,219 --> 00:56:31,619 Wait in the car? I shall do no such thing. 959 00:56:31,722 --> 00:56:34,418 - Hey, did they ever unfreeze Walt Disney? - Ugh. Unfortunately. 960 00:56:34,524 --> 00:56:36,049 Welcome back, Mr. Disney. 961 00:56:36,160 --> 00:56:38,060 - Are theJews gone yet? - Uh, no. 962 00:56:38,162 --> 00:56:40,027 Put me back in. 963 00:56:42,066 --> 00:56:44,967 Put some pants on. The kids'll be here any minute. 964 00:56:45,069 --> 00:56:48,561 In a second, Lois. I'm watching the Britney Spears comeback concert. 965 00:56:48,673 --> 00:56:50,163 Hi, everybody! 966 00:56:50,274 --> 00:56:52,868 I may have lost a foot to diabetes... 967 00:56:52,977 --> 00:56:55,377 ...but I'm still sexy, y'all! 968 00:56:55,480 --> 00:56:57,641 Now I'm gonna dance for ya! 969 00:57:09,694 --> 00:57:12,857 - Oh, Stew. My big boy. - Hello, Mother! 970 00:57:12,964 --> 00:57:16,400 She's still alive? What the hell, man? 971 00:57:16,501 --> 00:57:18,402 I brought a guest. 972 00:57:18,504 --> 00:57:22,270 This is, um, uh, Pablo, a child from Nicaragua I've been sponsoring. 973 00:57:22,374 --> 00:57:24,342 My! How wonderful! 974 00:57:24,443 --> 00:57:25,967 Me gusta Nicaragua. 975 00:57:26,078 --> 00:57:28,512 Mmm, yes. Is that where you got that leather handbag? 976 00:57:28,614 --> 00:57:31,947 Oh, I'm sorry. That's your face! Ha ha! Oh! Got you! 977 00:57:32,051 --> 00:57:34,952 Thirty years later, I still freaking got you! 978 00:57:35,054 --> 00:57:38,922 Oh, God! I feel as invincible as Superman. 979 00:57:40,025 --> 00:57:41,925 Hey there, Wonder Woman. 980 00:57:42,027 --> 00:57:43,927 Flying your invisible plane, I see. 981 00:57:44,029 --> 00:57:46,293 Boy, this is awkward. 982 00:57:46,398 --> 00:57:49,925 I'm- I'm, uh, actually in the lavatory of the invisible plane. 983 00:57:50,035 --> 00:57:53,266 - Oh. You mean, right now you're- - Yeah. 984 00:57:59,011 --> 00:58:03,813 I couldn't help but notice you didn't wash your hands in the invisible sink. 985 00:58:03,917 --> 00:58:05,817 Hi, everybody. Sorry we're late. 986 00:58:05,919 --> 00:58:08,683 Stop fuckin' apologizing. You sound like a fuckin' woman. 987 00:58:08,788 --> 00:58:11,382 I suppose one of you has to. 988 00:58:11,491 --> 00:58:14,688 - Oh, what a nice blouse, Vanessa. - Chris's wife. 989 00:58:14,794 --> 00:58:17,524 Oh, thanks. I'm not sure my tiny brain could've put that one together. 990 00:58:17,630 --> 00:58:21,157 Mom, I notice your hedges are pushing out onto the curb, and that's a violation. 991 00:58:21,267 --> 00:58:24,168 And your tags are expired, and one of your taillights is busted. 992 00:58:24,270 --> 00:58:28,172 I'm not gonna run you in, but I will if you don't give me a cookie.! 993 00:58:28,274 --> 00:58:30,674 - Here you go, sweetie. - Yea! 994 00:58:30,777 --> 00:58:33,541 Yeah, that's what that fat pig needs- a fuckin' cookie. 995 00:58:33,646 --> 00:58:36,410 Hi, Vanessa. Well, don't you look nice- 996 00:58:36,516 --> 00:58:39,417 Oh, no! I broke my hip! 997 00:58:39,519 --> 00:58:41,680 - You need some help, Dad? - No, I'm good. 998 00:58:41,788 --> 00:58:44,417 Oh, are these the pictures from your trip to Sonoma? 999 00:58:44,525 --> 00:58:48,427 Oh, my God! Oh, look how beautiful the countryside is. 1000 00:58:48,529 --> 00:58:52,192 Oh, I'd love to get a house out there if I had the money! 1001 00:58:52,299 --> 00:58:57,032 That was a swell vacation. Much better than that time I was stuck on that island with Bono. 1002 00:58:58,139 --> 00:59:00,039 Bono, stop screwin' around... 1003 00:59:00,141 --> 00:59:01,972 ...and open up that damn crate of food. 1004 00:59:02,076 --> 00:59:05,136 I'm saving this for the starvin' children of the world in case we get rescued. 1005 00:59:05,246 --> 00:59:08,147 Yeah, you know what? That's us. We're starvin'. Now open it up! 1006 00:59:08,249 --> 00:59:11,707 - I can't do that, Peter. It's for the starvin' children. 1007 00:59:16,123 --> 00:59:18,023 Aha! 1008 00:59:18,125 --> 00:59:21,094 I'm just makin' sure it tastes good for the starvin' children. 1009 00:59:24,131 --> 00:59:25,827 Knock knock. 1010 00:59:25,934 --> 00:59:28,835 - Oh, hi, Ron. - Who is that fellow? He looks so familiar. 1011 00:59:28,937 --> 00:59:31,337 It's Meg. She had a sex change right after college. 1012 00:59:31,439 --> 00:59:33,339 Wow! She went to college? 1013 00:59:33,441 --> 00:59:36,342 I can't stay too late. I gotta go shop for a razor. 1014 00:59:36,444 --> 00:59:39,242 You know, for my face, where I grow my beard. 1015 00:59:39,347 --> 00:59:41,212 We get it. You're a guy. 1016 00:59:43,318 --> 00:59:46,719 - What is this one, my prom? - Oh, yes. That's Shirley Blitt. 1017 00:59:46,821 --> 00:59:50,587 We couldn't do any dancing because of her club foot, but the punch was delicious. 1018 00:59:50,692 --> 00:59:52,956 I think somebody put mango in it. 1019 00:59:53,061 --> 00:59:55,962 Isn't it funny that I remember that after all these years? 1020 00:59:57,666 --> 01:00:00,897 Well, there he is. 1021 01:00:01,002 --> 01:00:02,902 Oh, this is fantastic! 1022 01:00:03,004 --> 01:00:05,165 That's not really appropriate, Stewie. 1023 01:00:05,273 --> 01:00:08,175 Oh, of course it is. I loathed that know-it-all, flea-bitten mutt. 1024 01:00:08,277 --> 01:00:11,940 No, it's just that the meaning of that word has changed ever since President Douchebag. 1025 01:00:12,048 --> 01:00:13,743 Thank you! 1026 01:00:13,849 --> 01:00:17,410 I just received a call from my worthy opponent, Senator Daterape. 1027 01:00:17,520 --> 01:00:20,921 No, no. He ran a good campaign... 1028 01:00:21,023 --> 01:00:23,423 ...but the people of America have spoken... 1029 01:00:23,526 --> 01:00:27,485 ...and they're saying they want four more years of Douchebag! 1030 01:00:27,597 --> 01:00:31,089 Douchebag! Douchebag! Douchebag! Douchebag! 1031 01:00:34,203 --> 01:00:36,637 That is some fuckin' good dinner, Mrs. Griffin. 1032 01:00:36,739 --> 01:00:38,900 Thank you. 1033 01:00:39,008 --> 01:00:41,909 Excuse me. I'm gonna go help Peter with the dishes. 1034 01:00:42,011 --> 01:00:43,911 Ron, Stu, I need your help. 1035 01:00:44,013 --> 01:00:47,414 I need you two to tell those parents of yours they're moving into a retirement home... 1036 01:00:47,516 --> 01:00:50,418 'cause Mr. Empty Sac over here won't do it. 1037 01:00:50,520 --> 01:00:53,887 Stu, you don't want Mom and Dad to go to a retirement home, do you? 1038 01:00:53,991 --> 01:00:56,289 Well, u-uh, it's, uh- 1039 01:00:56,393 --> 01:00:59,294 I- Stu, could you help me with the dishes? 1040 01:00:59,396 --> 01:01:01,296 Be right there, Mother! 1041 01:01:01,398 --> 01:01:04,629 Actually, Vanessa- Stu, I need your help! There are dishes everywhere! 1042 01:01:04,735 --> 01:01:06,635 Oh, sorry. Must go. 1043 01:01:06,737 --> 01:01:09,399 Well, I can't do it to 'em. They're my parents. 1044 01:01:09,506 --> 01:01:12,066 Don't you ever want to inherit this house, you fat fuck? 1045 01:01:12,175 --> 01:01:15,611 Or am I the only one who has any desire to move out from under the fucking power lines? 1046 01:01:15,712 --> 01:01:17,612 What's that? Oh, it's cancer! 1047 01:01:17,714 --> 01:01:20,774 Can we please not do this in front of Pablo? 1048 01:01:20,884 --> 01:01:23,216 Ah, screw him! That fuckin' kid's from Guam. 1049 01:01:23,320 --> 01:01:25,220 Probably only speaks Spanish or some shit. 1050 01:01:25,322 --> 01:01:28,450 Let me tell you something, 'Nessa- a bullet sounds the same in every language. 1051 01:01:28,558 --> 01:01:31,027 So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow! 1052 01:01:33,398 --> 01:01:37,300 You can crash at my place tonight, but tomorrow we're going to get you back home. 1053 01:01:37,402 --> 01:01:39,836 Well, welcome to Chez Stu. 1054 01:01:40,872 --> 01:01:42,737 Dear God, this is where I live? 1055 01:01:42,840 --> 01:01:46,276 - All alone in a filthy hovel? - Well, I wouldn't exactly say "alone. " 1056 01:01:46,377 --> 01:01:48,607 Let me introduce my roommate. 1057 01:01:48,713 --> 01:01:50,613 He's sometimes late on the rent... 1058 01:01:50,715 --> 01:01:53,843 ...and never shy about sharing the gas bill, if you know what I mean. 1059 01:01:53,951 --> 01:01:56,317 Did you just make a fart joke? 1060 01:01:56,421 --> 01:01:58,321 Hey, Stu, got big plans for tonight? 1061 01:01:58,423 --> 01:02:01,290 Sure do, Rupert. I'm finally going to organize my photo albums. 1062 01:02:01,392 --> 01:02:03,223 Yeah, right! 1063 01:02:03,328 --> 01:02:06,456 I say, what happened to his leg? Oh, wait, now I remember. 1064 01:02:06,564 --> 01:02:10,125 You are gonna sit there and tell me a flat tax doesn't favor the wealthy? 1065 01:02:10,234 --> 01:02:12,634 Not one bit, and it saves millions of man-hours... 1066 01:02:12,737 --> 01:02:15,138 ...that the complexity of the current tax code wastes... 1067 01:02:15,240 --> 01:02:17,640 ...which you would realize if you weren't retarded. 1068 01:02:17,743 --> 01:02:19,802 Hey, give him back. Stop that. What are you doing? 1069 01:02:19,912 --> 01:02:22,437 - Give me back his leg. - Oh, you'll get it back. 1070 01:02:25,384 --> 01:02:29,013 This is my bulletin board where I put all my favorite comic strips. 1071 01:02:29,121 --> 01:02:31,021 See, look. Here's the Lockhorns. 1072 01:02:31,123 --> 01:02:34,854 Mrs. Lockhorn is saying, "We're never going to another yard sale," 1073 01:02:34,960 --> 01:02:37,861 ...because Mr. Lockhorn has clearly purchased a tuba! 1074 01:02:37,963 --> 01:02:40,363 And from the look on her face... 1075 01:02:40,466 --> 01:02:43,367 I'd say he's not playing it very well at all. 1076 01:02:43,469 --> 01:02:45,403 You get it? 1077 01:02:45,504 --> 01:02:47,904 You got these from Parade magazine? 1078 01:02:48,006 --> 01:02:51,464 You read Parade magazine? Ohhh! 1079 01:02:51,577 --> 01:02:56,379 Hey, Stu! It's Monday, which can only mean one thing! 1080 01:02:56,483 --> 01:02:59,509 Go-Gurt Day! 1081 01:02:59,619 --> 01:03:01,519 Oh, Fran, this is Pablo from Nicaragua. 1082 01:03:01,621 --> 01:03:05,079 Pablo, this is Fran. She is hilarious.! 1083 01:03:05,191 --> 01:03:08,524 Hey, Pablo. Just kiddin'! 1084 01:03:08,628 --> 01:03:10,994 I told you! She's so twisted! 1085 01:03:11,097 --> 01:03:13,497 Well, I'd better get back to my department... 1086 01:03:13,600 --> 01:03:16,091 ...before Genghis the day manager makes his rounds. 1087 01:03:16,202 --> 01:03:19,694 Genghis the day mana- Is that from something, or did you just make that up? 1088 01:03:19,806 --> 01:03:21,706 - I just made it up! - Oh-ho-ho! 1089 01:03:21,808 --> 01:03:24,072 Oh! All day long. 1090 01:03:24,177 --> 01:03:26,737 - Well, I guess it's not all bad. - What do you mean? 1091 01:03:26,846 --> 01:03:29,747 Don't be coy, you dirty horndog. You're humping Fran. 1092 01:03:29,849 --> 01:03:33,250 Tell me, how many times have we gotten into those Lane Bryant stretch pants? 1093 01:03:33,353 --> 01:03:36,254 - What? Never. - Damn right, never- What do you mean, never? 1094 01:03:36,356 --> 01:03:39,258 Stewie, I've never slept with any woman. 1095 01:03:39,360 --> 01:03:41,328 I've never had sex. 1096 01:03:42,530 --> 01:03:44,430 All right, that's it! 1097 01:03:44,532 --> 01:03:47,433 I could handle the crappy apartment and the pedestrian job. 1098 01:03:47,535 --> 01:03:50,936 But now you're telling me I'm a 35-year-old, Parade magazine-reading virgin? 1099 01:03:51,038 --> 01:03:52,938 Well, you, sir, are pathetic! 1100 01:03:53,040 --> 01:03:56,441 So forget about sending me back, because I'm not leaving until we do a complete overhaul... 1101 01:03:56,544 --> 01:03:58,944 ...on this sad thing you call a life. 1102 01:03:59,046 --> 01:04:01,344 - Can I still read Parade? - No, you cannot still read Parade! 1103 01:04:04,652 --> 01:04:07,553 We've got a big day of overhauling your life ahead. 1104 01:04:07,655 --> 01:04:10,055 First we've got to fix up this apartment- Stop that. 1105 01:04:10,157 --> 01:04:12,057 - What? - Why are you staring at my genitals? 1106 01:04:12,159 --> 01:04:14,889 I'm not allowed to tell you anything about your own future, but I will say this- 1107 01:04:14,995 --> 01:04:16,895 Enjoy your left testicle while you can. 1108 01:04:16,997 --> 01:04:18,897 - What? - I've said too much. 1109 01:04:20,836 --> 01:04:22,463 So, what do you think? 1110 01:04:22,571 --> 01:04:25,904 I've got to hand it to you. It really is an improvement. 1111 01:04:26,007 --> 01:04:28,407 And you haven't even seen the best part. 1112 01:04:28,510 --> 01:04:31,001 Stress-release candles for those extra-tough days at the office. 1113 01:04:31,112 --> 01:04:34,548 You don't know the half of it. On Tuesdays I work Returns. 1114 01:04:34,649 --> 01:04:38,244 I bought this boom box here, and it's got this high-pitched whine. 1115 01:04:38,353 --> 01:04:40,412 Well, let's have a look. 1116 01:04:40,522 --> 01:04:43,116 Ha-ha! It's yours now, sucker! 1117 01:04:43,225 --> 01:04:46,888 All right, now that you've got a swinging pad, it's time to bring Fran back here... 1118 01:04:46,995 --> 01:04:49,225 ...and, um, you know. 1119 01:04:50,298 --> 01:04:52,198 - What? - Well, I have no idea. 1120 01:04:52,300 --> 01:04:54,700 - I thought you knew. - No, I have no idea. 1121 01:04:54,803 --> 01:04:57,704 You're the adult here. I was counting on you to know the mechanics, because- 1122 01:04:57,806 --> 01:05:01,242 Well, let's face it, as a baby all I've got to go on is beer commercial innuendo... 1123 01:05:01,343 --> 01:05:03,312 ...and that myth about where babies come from. 1124 01:05:05,314 --> 01:05:07,578 Oh, my God! The stork! 1125 01:05:11,988 --> 01:05:13,888 Where's my baby? 1126 01:05:13,990 --> 01:05:16,891 Sweetie, you and me are gonna make the baby. 1127 01:05:21,831 --> 01:05:23,731 Which Law and Order is this? 1128 01:05:23,833 --> 01:05:27,394 This is Law and Order: P.C.A.M.P.I.E.O.F. T.D. - 1129 01:05:27,503 --> 01:05:31,064 Petty Crimes Against Municipal Property In Excess of Five Thousand Dollars. 1130 01:05:31,173 --> 01:05:33,073 Oh, that kid's spraying graffiti. 1131 01:05:33,175 --> 01:05:35,735 That is not gonna be cheap to have that wall repainted. 1132 01:05:35,845 --> 01:05:37,745 Kids, what are you doing here? 1133 01:05:37,847 --> 01:05:41,408 Mom, Dad, Vanessa wants us to put you guys in a retirement home. 1134 01:05:41,517 --> 01:05:43,417 But I think it's ridiculous. 1135 01:05:43,519 --> 01:05:45,420 A retirement home? 1136 01:05:45,522 --> 01:05:47,956 Now, Vanessa says it's not that bad, Mom. 1137 01:05:48,058 --> 01:05:50,788 She says they have people there who will wipe your bottom. 1138 01:05:50,894 --> 01:05:53,226 You gotta be yankin' me. That is sweet! 1139 01:05:53,330 --> 01:05:55,230 That doesn't sound ridiculous at all, Meg. 1140 01:05:55,332 --> 01:05:57,493 My name is Ron. 1141 01:05:57,601 --> 01:06:01,799 Oh, I wish Brian were here. He'd never let you put us in a home. 1142 01:06:01,905 --> 01:06:04,806 Oh, but at least he's in a better place now. 1143 01:06:04,908 --> 01:06:06,808 Wow, look at me. 1144 01:06:06,910 --> 01:06:10,311 Hanging out drinking with Ernest Hemingway, Van Gogh and Kurt Cobain. 1145 01:06:10,414 --> 01:06:13,815 Still, it feels like we all got here a little earlier than we should have. 1146 01:06:13,917 --> 01:06:18,047 Well, I finally collapsed under the weight of my own genius and shot myself. 1147 01:06:18,155 --> 01:06:20,055 I could not reconcile my passion... 1148 01:06:20,157 --> 01:06:23,558 ...with the way people around me were living, so I shot myself. 1149 01:06:23,660 --> 01:06:26,562 I hated the thought of my music becoming part of some bland corporate mechanism... 1150 01:06:26,664 --> 01:06:28,564 ...so I shot myself. 1151 01:06:28,666 --> 01:06:32,295 Yeah, I, uh, I got into the garbage and ate some chocolate. 1152 01:06:36,007 --> 01:06:37,907 My word! 1153 01:06:38,009 --> 01:06:41,410 Yes, evidently the razor wasn't invented till sometime in the late '80s. 1154 01:06:41,512 --> 01:06:43,412 Okay, then let's begin. 1155 01:06:43,514 --> 01:06:45,914 And here we go. And watch my hand. And one, two, three. 1156 01:06:46,017 --> 01:06:49,009 Put it in, take it out. Put it in, take it out. 1157 01:06:49,120 --> 01:06:50,781 — I am the monarch of the sea — 1158 01:06:50,888 --> 01:06:52,651 — The ruler of the queen's navy — 1159 01:06:52,757 --> 01:06:54,418 — Whose praise Great Britain loudly chants — 1160 01:06:54,525 --> 01:06:56,288 — And we are his sisters and his cousins and his aunts —— 1161 01:06:56,394 --> 01:07:00,660 Good, you've got the rhythm. Now try it with Swiss cheese. Take it from the top. 1162 01:07:09,708 --> 01:07:11,608 I really enjoyed the movie tonight. 1163 01:07:11,710 --> 01:07:14,611 - And I'm not tired at all. - Oh, yeah? Good, good. 1164 01:07:14,713 --> 01:07:16,681 I enjoyed the movie too. 1165 01:07:18,317 --> 01:07:21,844 Oh, hey, I hear they're extending our store hours until 9:30. 1166 01:07:21,954 --> 01:07:23,854 Oh, that's, um- 1167 01:07:23,956 --> 01:07:25,856 ...that's great. 1168 01:07:25,958 --> 01:07:27,516 - Let's have sex! - What? - Definitely! 1169 01:07:27,626 --> 01:07:29,218 I'll be right back. 1170 01:07:29,328 --> 01:07:32,729 - What is wrong with you? I can't go through with this. - Why the hell not? 1171 01:07:32,831 --> 01:07:34,731 L- I-I'm too nervous. 1172 01:07:34,833 --> 01:07:36,733 I'm putting in my diaphragm.! 1173 01:07:36,835 --> 01:07:39,736 - See? I don't even know what that is. - Get in there! 1174 01:07:39,838 --> 01:07:41,738 - No! No! - You listen to me. 1175 01:07:41,840 --> 01:07:43,740 You listen to me, Stewart Griffin. 1176 01:07:43,842 --> 01:07:45,742 You march in there right now and... 1177 01:07:45,844 --> 01:07:48,005 "insert your phallus into her vagina. " 1178 01:07:48,113 --> 01:07:50,081 Go! 1179 01:07:53,219 --> 01:07:55,619 L- I'm sorry. That's, um- 1180 01:07:55,722 --> 01:07:57,622 That's never happened to me before. 1181 01:07:57,724 --> 01:08:01,626 Which part? The eight seconds of sex, or the 40 minutes of crying? 1182 01:08:01,728 --> 01:08:03,628 Uh, I guess both. 1183 01:08:04,898 --> 01:08:07,799 Do I- Do I give you money or something? 1184 01:08:07,901 --> 01:08:09,869 Yeah, I'm gonna go. 1185 01:08:12,972 --> 01:08:15,873 Eight seconds! That's twice as good as you did in rehearsal. 1186 01:08:15,975 --> 01:08:19,877 Stu, I heard from Juan in Car Stereo Installation about what you did to Fran. 1187 01:08:19,979 --> 01:08:21,879 Interoffice sex is prohibited... 1188 01:08:21,981 --> 01:08:25,041 ...regardless of how hilariously brief and unsatisfying it was. 1189 01:08:25,151 --> 01:08:27,051 You're fired. 1190 01:08:27,153 --> 01:08:30,054 - Fired? Oh, this is not good. - Oh, dear. 1191 01:08:30,156 --> 01:08:34,958 This is almost as bad as when Peter got fired as the first director of Terms of Endearment. 1192 01:08:35,062 --> 01:08:37,462 Kids, I don't have much time left... 1193 01:08:37,565 --> 01:08:40,466 ...and I can't talk for too long 'cause I get real upset. 1194 01:08:40,568 --> 01:08:42,968 I want you to make a lot of friends... 1195 01:08:43,070 --> 01:08:46,972 ...and be real nice to the girls- They're gonna be real important to you after I'm gone. 1196 01:08:47,074 --> 01:08:49,042 Sweet. 1197 01:08:52,680 --> 01:08:55,581 Oh, cheer up. You didn't need that crappy job anyway. 1198 01:08:55,683 --> 01:08:58,743 You are not allowed to speak. You have ruined everything! 1199 01:08:58,853 --> 01:09:02,755 Nice. I donate my time trying to fix your pathetic life, and this is the thanks I get? 1200 01:09:02,857 --> 01:09:05,758 Well, it's not the first gift that's ever gone unappreciated. 1201 01:09:05,860 --> 01:09:07,760 Merry Christmas, sweetheart. 1202 01:09:07,862 --> 01:09:10,262 Oh, Peter, thank you! 1203 01:09:10,364 --> 01:09:13,697 An arcade-style Galaga machine. 1204 01:09:13,801 --> 01:09:15,702 Oh, thank you, Peter- 1205 01:09:15,804 --> 01:09:18,398 Move! 1206 01:09:18,507 --> 01:09:21,908 Look, all right, I'll admit that maybe things haven't gone exactly to plan. 1207 01:09:22,010 --> 01:09:24,911 We'll go home and regroup and hit 'em hard tomorrow. 1208 01:09:25,013 --> 01:09:27,174 Good lord! My apartment! 1209 01:09:29,284 --> 01:09:32,481 Looks like the cause of the fire were these stress-release candles. 1210 01:09:32,587 --> 01:09:35,147 Huh! — Irony — 1211 01:09:41,463 --> 01:09:44,364 I don't know, Peter. This place is pretty depressing. 1212 01:09:44,466 --> 01:09:47,367 What are you talking about? It's just like old times. Hey, Cleveland. 1213 01:09:47,469 --> 01:09:51,064 Hello... 1214 01:09:51,173 --> 01:09:53,539 Peter. 1215 01:09:53,642 --> 01:09:55,542 Hey, Joe, how are things since the operation? 1216 01:09:55,644 --> 01:09:58,045 Oh, great, Peter. 1217 01:09:58,147 --> 01:10:01,310 Who would have guessed I'd be one of the few not in a wheelchair? 1218 01:10:01,417 --> 01:10:03,317 I sure do miss Bonnie though. 1219 01:10:03,419 --> 01:10:05,649 It's amazing they were able to give you her legs. 1220 01:10:05,755 --> 01:10:09,589 — Who wears short shorts — I wear short shorts! 1221 01:10:09,692 --> 01:10:11,956 Hey, Glenn. How's the arthritis? 1222 01:10:12,061 --> 01:10:14,962 Ah, not bad. Course, since you walked in I'm feelin' a little stiff! 1223 01:10:15,064 --> 01:10:17,965 Giggedy-gigg- Oh! I just pooped a little. 1224 01:10:18,067 --> 01:10:21,901 Oh, that's nasty. 1225 01:10:23,773 --> 01:10:27,174 Um, hey, you know what I do when I'm feeling down? 1226 01:10:27,276 --> 01:10:29,176 I play the glad game. 1227 01:10:29,278 --> 01:10:32,679 I think about all the things that make me glad. Let's try it, shall we? 1228 01:10:32,782 --> 01:10:35,683 Um... Pinwheels. 1229 01:10:35,785 --> 01:10:38,811 A big wedge of cake from the fair. 1230 01:10:39,990 --> 01:10:42,925 A doodad to wear in your hat. 1231 01:10:44,061 --> 01:10:46,461 All right, I'm sorry. It's all my fault. 1232 01:10:46,563 --> 01:10:48,463 No, it's my fault. 1233 01:10:48,565 --> 01:10:51,090 My whole life's been a mess ever since that near-death experience. 1234 01:10:51,201 --> 01:10:53,601 - I mean, nothing goes right- - Wait, wait, wait. 1235 01:10:53,704 --> 01:10:56,605 Near-death experience? At the community pool? 1236 01:10:56,707 --> 01:10:59,608 - But that was nothing. - Well, that's what I thought at first. 1237 01:10:59,710 --> 01:11:03,009 But around the time of my 20th birthday I started having nightmares. 1238 01:11:03,113 --> 01:11:06,014 Then my therapist said I've been suppressing some very complex emotions... 1239 01:11:06,116 --> 01:11:08,311 ...that may well have caused me to take fewer risks. 1240 01:11:08,418 --> 01:11:11,080 Well, then, it seems there's only one thing to do. 1241 01:11:11,188 --> 01:11:13,088 I must return to the past... 1242 01:11:13,190 --> 01:11:16,091 ...to ensure I never have the close call with that lifeguard tower in the first place. 1243 01:11:16,193 --> 01:11:19,094 Oh, I just thought of another one for the glad game. 1244 01:11:19,196 --> 01:11:22,860 The first scissor cut into a fresh piece of construction paper. 1245 01:11:22,967 --> 01:11:24,935 Oh, yeah! 1246 01:11:27,038 --> 01:11:28,699 Here's what we do. 1247 01:11:28,806 --> 01:11:31,707 You buy me one of those time-travel watches... 1248 01:11:31,809 --> 01:11:34,710 ...and I'll go back to my own time and stop that near-death experience. 1249 01:11:34,812 --> 01:11:38,407 - I can't afford one. I don't have a job, thanks to you. - How hard is it to get a new job? 1250 01:11:38,516 --> 01:11:40,484 Even I had that job at the airport. 1251 01:11:41,586 --> 01:11:43,486 Jonny Quest. 1252 01:11:43,588 --> 01:11:45,488 Okay. Welcome aboard. 1253 01:11:45,590 --> 01:11:47,490 Dr. Benton Quest. 1254 01:11:47,592 --> 01:11:49,992 All right. Have a good flight. 1255 01:11:50,094 --> 01:11:51,994 Hadji. Hmm. 1256 01:11:52,096 --> 01:11:55,031 Um, listen, you've been randomly selected for additional screening. 1257 01:11:55,133 --> 01:11:57,124 But you didn't even type anything in. 1258 01:11:57,235 --> 01:11:59,465 If it were up to me, you'd be on that flight. 1259 01:11:59,570 --> 01:12:04,008 But, uh, I'm gonna need you to take off your shoes and that lovely, uh, hat. 1260 01:12:04,109 --> 01:12:07,306 - Sim-sim-salabim.! - Yeah, I'd cut back on that. 1261 01:12:07,413 --> 01:12:09,745 We'll have to borrow the money from Mommy and Daddy. 1262 01:12:09,848 --> 01:12:11,748 - Aaah! - Never call them that again! 1263 01:12:11,850 --> 01:12:15,081 - It's Lois and the fat man! Do you hear me? - Yes! Yes! 1264 01:12:15,187 --> 01:12:18,088 Smells like Head & Shoulders. But you don't have dandruff. 1265 01:12:18,190 --> 01:12:21,023 - Exactly! - Ah! 1266 01:12:23,595 --> 01:12:26,894 - And now here's Diane with a look at traffic. - Thanks, Tom. 1267 01:12:26,999 --> 01:12:29,900 There was a major pile-up in the ambulatory wing this morning... 1268 01:12:30,002 --> 01:12:32,402 ...when one of the residents vomited in the hallway. 1269 01:12:32,504 --> 01:12:35,996 And in international news, I'm fairly certain that Filipino nurse is stealing from me. 1270 01:12:37,042 --> 01:12:38,942 Oh, hey, you two. 1271 01:12:39,044 --> 01:12:41,945 - What brings you here? - Lois, Pablo here needs your help. 1272 01:12:42,047 --> 01:12:43,947 Can we drop the whole Pablo thing? 1273 01:12:44,049 --> 01:12:48,612 - Do you think I don't remember my own little Stewie? - You clever, clever shrew! 1274 01:12:48,722 --> 01:12:51,190 Stu, you could get in a lot of trouble for this. 1275 01:12:51,291 --> 01:12:53,191 Take him back to his own time. 1276 01:12:53,293 --> 01:12:56,126 Well, that's why we're here. I need a loan. 1277 01:12:56,229 --> 01:12:59,130 Done. This is a secret account Peter can't access. 1278 01:12:59,232 --> 01:13:01,632 I never could trust him with money. 1279 01:13:01,735 --> 01:13:04,727 Like the time he spent Meg's college money on that medieval catapult. 1280 01:13:04,838 --> 01:13:07,432 Hey! 1281 01:13:07,540 --> 01:13:12,375 Excellent. These dominoes are set up exactly as I want them, right next to the good china. 1282 01:13:12,479 --> 01:13:15,380 Now I'll just place this priceless Fabergι egg in the center... 1283 01:13:15,482 --> 01:13:17,882 ...right next to my newborn hemophiliac baby. 1284 01:13:19,652 --> 01:13:21,552 - Hey, those yours? - Yes. 1285 01:13:21,654 --> 01:13:23,554 Oh. Those are all really nice things. 1286 01:13:23,656 --> 01:13:27,251 Thank you. You hear that, Evan? We were complimented. 1287 01:13:27,360 --> 01:13:30,262 Take as much money as you need, but there's a couple of conditions. 1288 01:13:30,364 --> 01:13:34,767 On your way back to the past, make sure Chris never marries that bitch Vanessa. 1289 01:13:34,869 --> 01:13:39,272 And I want a promise that I won't spend my old age in a place like this. 1290 01:13:39,373 --> 01:13:43,776 Oh, believe me, Lois, I promise you will never end up in a retirement home. 1291 01:14:01,028 --> 01:14:02,928 All right, let's do this. 1292 01:14:07,635 --> 01:14:09,728 Well, I suppose this is it. 1293 01:14:09,838 --> 01:14:14,241 I just hit me that if you are successful in preventing our near-death experience... 1294 01:14:14,342 --> 01:14:16,902 ...it'll turn me into an entirely different Stu. 1295 01:14:17,012 --> 01:14:18,912 Then you know what you should do? 1296 01:14:19,014 --> 01:14:22,415 Since the time line is going to change anyway, you should get really fat. 1297 01:14:22,517 --> 01:14:27,978 Go buy a whole pint of ice cream and shovel down the whole thing. I mean, just really pig out. 1298 01:14:28,090 --> 01:14:29,990 Ooh, that's brilliant! 1299 01:14:30,092 --> 01:14:33,653 Hey, and if the city thinks I'm paying this parking ticket, they are dreaming! 1300 01:14:37,132 --> 01:14:40,101 No, I'm not really gonna do it, you know, just in case. 1301 01:14:41,269 --> 01:14:44,067 - Good-bye, Stewie. - So long, Stu. 1302 01:14:47,909 --> 01:14:51,310 And if anyone has any objection to this union of Chris and Vanessa... 1303 01:14:51,413 --> 01:14:54,383 ...let them speak now or forever hold their peace. 1304 01:14:55,685 --> 01:14:57,346 Uh, I do. 1305 01:15:00,790 --> 01:15:04,226 So, don't let this keep you from enjoying the reception... 1306 01:15:04,327 --> 01:15:06,727 ...where I'm sure they'll be playing the Chicken Dance. 1307 01:15:06,829 --> 01:15:09,559 So enjoy the Chicken Dance. 1308 01:15:11,000 --> 01:15:14,299 Damn! I overshot it! 1309 01:15:14,403 --> 01:15:17,497 1974. University of Denver. 1310 01:15:17,607 --> 01:15:20,167 I say, Condoleezza Rice goes here. 1311 01:15:20,276 --> 01:15:25,805 Damn! I ain't never gonna let the Man get me down, crazy crackers! 1312 01:15:25,915 --> 01:15:28,577 Black Panthers stand tall! 1313 01:15:29,785 --> 01:15:31,685 Mmm! 1314 01:15:36,827 --> 01:15:38,727 Blast! This isn't the pool either! 1315 01:15:38,829 --> 01:15:41,423 But at least I've arrived on the correct date. 1316 01:15:42,599 --> 01:15:45,830 Only 30 minutes before the tower falls! 1317 01:15:49,239 --> 01:15:51,867 Damn! I've got to get to that swim meet! 1318 01:15:57,915 --> 01:15:59,883 Huh? 1319 01:16:03,620 --> 01:16:07,021 Hi. Stewie Griffin. Stewie Griffin. Hi. How are you? 1320 01:16:09,660 --> 01:16:11,560 Huh? 1321 01:16:11,662 --> 01:16:13,823 Smells good. Dinner's ready. 1322 01:16:46,564 --> 01:16:50,091 Probably shouldn't have milked that landing. 1323 01:17:02,548 --> 01:17:04,448 Don't... press that. 1324 01:17:04,550 --> 01:17:08,077 Future... 35-year-old virgin... 1325 01:17:08,187 --> 01:17:10,951 Fran! Fran! 1326 01:17:11,056 --> 01:17:13,024 - Fran! - What the devil? 1327 01:17:14,360 --> 01:17:16,760 Yes! I did it! I stopped the tower from falling! 1328 01:17:16,862 --> 01:17:18,762 - Who are you? - I'm you, from the future. 1329 01:17:18,864 --> 01:17:20,764 From the future? My word! 1330 01:17:20,866 --> 01:17:23,767 Did they ever find a successful vehicle for Ellen Cleghorne? 1331 01:17:23,869 --> 01:17:27,270 Oh, that's so funny. I asked that very same question and never got an answer. 1332 01:17:27,373 --> 01:17:29,432 Well, then you're as disposable as she is! 1333 01:17:29,541 --> 01:17:31,441 Oh, come on, my little champion. 1334 01:17:31,543 --> 01:17:34,410 Oh, my God! At least have the decency to carry me, you lazy skank! 1335 01:17:34,513 --> 01:17:36,413 Of course, it is comfortable- 1336 01:17:38,517 --> 01:17:42,887 Hey, thanks again for explaining football to me, Mr. - Sorry. I didn't catch your name. 1337 01:17:42,989 --> 01:17:45,890 - You can call me Ron. - Ron, huh? 1338 01:17:45,992 --> 01:17:50,156 You know, I've always really liked that name- Ron. 1339 01:18:07,614 --> 01:18:10,048 Oh. Oh. Oh, come on. 1340 01:18:10,150 --> 01:18:12,050 Come on. Come on! 1341 01:18:12,152 --> 01:18:14,382 Come on! Oh! Oh! That's it! 1342 01:18:14,487 --> 01:18:17,923 That's it. That's it. Yes. Yes! Yes! 1343 01:18:18,024 --> 01:18:19,924 Eat my dust, Crash Bandicoot! 1344 01:18:20,026 --> 01:18:22,426 - Tom, you're on in two. - Good evening. 1345 01:18:22,529 --> 01:18:25,260 For you people just joining us after fast-forwarding through the "movie"... 1346 01:18:25,366 --> 01:18:27,266 ...to get to the extra material... 1347 01:18:27,368 --> 01:18:29,359 ...we're covering the Family Guy wrap party. 1348 01:18:29,470 --> 01:18:31,370 We're going live to the Drunken Clam... 1349 01:18:31,472 --> 01:18:34,771 ...where Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa is having a few drinks... 1350 01:18:34,875 --> 01:18:36,843 ...and reportedly loved the movie long time. 1351 01:18:36,944 --> 01:18:39,845 - Tricia? - Thank you, Diane. 1352 01:18:39,947 --> 01:18:44,577 I think "mildly entertained" would be the best way to describe the reaction... 1353 01:18:44,685 --> 01:18:46,585 ...here at the after-party. 1354 01:18:46,687 --> 01:18:51,090 Horace the bartender has really outdone himself with the decorations. 1355 01:18:51,192 --> 01:18:55,094 There are balloons and streamers. 1356 01:18:55,196 --> 01:18:59,064 Now let's get some reactions from these huge Family Guy fans. 1357 01:18:59,166 --> 01:19:01,066 How'd you like the movie, sir? 1358 01:19:01,168 --> 01:19:03,363 It sucked. Big whoop. Wanna fight about it? 1359 01:19:03,471 --> 01:19:06,703 Who do I see about getting the last two hours of my life back? 1360 01:19:06,808 --> 01:19:09,709 If I wanted to hear 81 minutes of gay bashin'... 1361 01:19:09,811 --> 01:19:12,041 I would've gone to my father's house. 1362 01:19:12,147 --> 01:19:16,106 Terrific. And here comes the family of the hour. 1363 01:19:19,421 --> 01:19:22,322 Will there be a sequel? Is it true you're running for mayor? 1364 01:19:22,424 --> 01:19:25,222 Do you think Capone and his cronies will rule the streets of Chicago forever? 1365 01:19:26,328 --> 01:19:28,660 I'm standing here with Peter Griffin. 1366 01:19:28,764 --> 01:19:31,198 Peter, congratulations on your big night. 1367 01:19:31,299 --> 01:19:33,199 Thank you. Thank you very much. 1368 01:19:33,301 --> 01:19:35,496 Hey, how's Mr. Eddie's father doin'? 1369 01:19:35,604 --> 01:19:37,504 That's fresh. 1370 01:19:37,606 --> 01:19:39,972 Peter, how do you respond to the accusations... 1371 01:19:40,075 --> 01:19:42,976 ...that you were responsible for the series' cancellation? 1372 01:19:43,078 --> 01:19:44,978 Well, the show had been on for a while. 1373 01:19:45,080 --> 01:19:48,983 I was talking to Alan Alda, and he said the same thing that Doc Cosby told me- 1374 01:19:49,085 --> 01:19:52,885 ...that it was my face out there, and I should take creative control. 1375 01:19:52,989 --> 01:19:57,449 So I did. We pushed the envelope, creatively, and I stand by my work. 1376 01:19:59,562 --> 01:20:02,463 Peter, can we cut? This isn't workin' for me. 1377 01:20:02,565 --> 01:20:05,466 Who yells cut, Cleveland? The only one who yells cut is the director. 1378 01:20:05,568 --> 01:20:08,469 Look, if you want me to fuck this chick, I'll fuck her. 1379 01:20:08,571 --> 01:20:11,472 But don't make me go through all this bullshit. 1380 01:20:11,574 --> 01:20:14,202 You're showin' a real ugly side, Griffin. 1381 01:20:14,310 --> 01:20:16,210 Did I miss my cue? 1382 01:20:16,312 --> 01:20:19,713 Although I probably pushed things too far when I did the incest episode. 1383 01:20:21,818 --> 01:20:23,945 - Hi, Mom. - Hi, Chris. 1384 01:20:25,588 --> 01:20:27,886 Wrong! It's wrong! 1385 01:20:27,990 --> 01:20:31,392 Still, that said, I'm not the one who put us up against Friends and Survivor. 1386 01:20:31,495 --> 01:20:33,395 What have you been doing since? 1387 01:20:33,497 --> 01:20:35,761 I had a couple of part-time jobs that didn't work out. 1388 01:20:37,267 --> 01:20:40,828 I thought you could go in the suit, like the astronauts. 1389 01:20:42,105 --> 01:20:44,005 I thought you could go in the suit... 1390 01:20:44,107 --> 01:20:45,631 ...like the astronauts. 1391 01:20:47,077 --> 01:20:48,977 - Hey, I gotta take a leak. - Peter! 1392 01:20:49,079 --> 01:20:51,138 If you open that suit, you'll die. 1393 01:20:51,248 --> 01:20:54,217 Right, right. What are you trying to do, get me fired? 1394 01:20:59,957 --> 01:21:02,790 And your wife Lois is looking very lovely. 1395 01:21:02,893 --> 01:21:04,758 How does it feel to be back? 1396 01:21:04,862 --> 01:21:09,265 It feels good. It was a very dark period for me for a while. 1397 01:21:09,366 --> 01:21:11,266 - License and registration. - Fuck you! 1398 01:21:11,368 --> 01:21:13,269 Do you know who I am? 1399 01:21:13,371 --> 01:21:15,271 I'm afraid I don't, ma'am. 1400 01:21:15,373 --> 01:21:17,273 Please give me your license and registration. 1401 01:21:17,375 --> 01:21:20,276 - Ma'am, what are you doing? - I'm gonna kick your ass. 1402 01:21:20,378 --> 01:21:22,608 Oww! Oww! 1403 01:21:29,954 --> 01:21:31,888 All right! 1404 01:21:31,990 --> 01:21:34,288 So, who's gettin' married, huh? You? 1405 01:21:34,392 --> 01:21:37,793 All right, sweetheart. We're gonna have some fun. 1406 01:21:37,896 --> 01:21:41,024 Here we go! 1407 01:21:51,476 --> 01:21:53,410 Aah! 1408 01:21:54,914 --> 01:21:57,815 How do I know if I want it if I can't taste it? 1409 01:21:57,917 --> 01:22:00,078 - Do you know who I am? - Bonnie Franklin? 1410 01:22:00,185 --> 01:22:02,119 Aaah! 1411 01:22:02,221 --> 01:22:04,121 No, you were great! Ha-ha-ha! 1412 01:22:04,223 --> 01:22:07,124 My analyst said I should take advantage of the time... 1413 01:22:07,226 --> 01:22:10,354 ...and do something I'd always wanted to do, so I competed in the Iditarod. 1414 01:22:17,970 --> 01:22:19,995 Hyah! Hyah! 1415 01:22:20,105 --> 01:22:22,005 We gonna take a bathroom break? 1416 01:22:22,107 --> 01:22:24,507 We gonna- We gonna, uh- 1417 01:22:24,610 --> 01:22:26,771 Bathroom? Oh, God. 1418 01:22:31,784 --> 01:22:35,345 So I worked on my novel and spent some time getting to know my fans. 1419 01:22:35,454 --> 01:22:38,356 You know, give something back to the people who got me where I am. 1420 01:22:38,458 --> 01:22:40,926 Brian, this is my friend Anne-Michelle. 1421 01:22:41,027 --> 01:22:43,587 Anne-Michelle! Hey! What are you drinkin'? 1422 01:22:43,697 --> 01:22:46,860 'Cause I see you already ordered the hot sauce. 1423 01:22:46,967 --> 01:22:50,459 Hey, bartender, whose leg do you have to hump to get a dry martini around here? 1424 01:22:50,570 --> 01:22:52,970 Now do Peter. 1425 01:22:53,073 --> 01:22:56,600 Ooh, hey. Forgot my wallet. Can one of you guys get this? 1426 01:22:56,710 --> 01:22:59,611 Um, I did a guest spot on The West Wing. 1427 01:22:59,713 --> 01:23:04,412 It's not normally what I do, but I really got a chance to flex my dramatic muscle. 1428 01:23:04,517 --> 01:23:07,418 I got eight guys from Tallahassee who want this bill pushed through. 1429 01:23:07,520 --> 01:23:10,421 What's the latest on those refugees? They off the coast yet? 1430 01:23:10,523 --> 01:23:13,822 We're getting a lot of Internet chatter. We can justify raising the threat level. 1431 01:23:13,927 --> 01:23:16,828 What you do on your own time is not my business... 1432 01:23:16,930 --> 01:23:19,832 ...but, damn it, when you're here I want you to maintain a professional veneer. 1433 01:23:19,934 --> 01:23:22,835 I need to talk toJerry about how we're gonna spin the unemployment numbers. 1434 01:23:22,937 --> 01:23:26,202 Get my wife on the phone! Tell her I changed my mind. The blue dress is fine. 1435 01:23:26,307 --> 01:23:29,504 And I need the briefing for that meeting on the situation in Argentina! 1436 01:23:34,281 --> 01:23:37,182 I found it! I found the cheese! 1437 01:23:37,284 --> 01:23:39,184 Oh, boy! Cheese! 1438 01:23:39,286 --> 01:23:42,687 I love you, cheese. 1439 01:23:42,790 --> 01:23:46,692 I did a lot of things, but the thing I think I'm most proud of... 1440 01:23:46,794 --> 01:23:49,991 ...is when I volunteered to entertain the troops. 1441 01:23:53,367 --> 01:23:56,666 — If I could turn back time — 1442 01:23:57,705 --> 01:24:01,733 — If I could find a way — 1443 01:24:01,843 --> 01:24:03,936 — I'd take back — 1444 01:24:04,046 --> 01:24:07,140 — Those words that hurt you — 1445 01:24:07,249 --> 01:24:09,479 — And you'd stay — 1446 01:24:09,584 --> 01:24:12,553 — If I could reach the stars — 1447 01:24:13,955 --> 01:24:17,550 — I'd give 'em all to you — 1448 01:24:19,161 --> 01:24:21,425 —And you'd love me Love me — 1449 01:24:21,530 --> 01:24:25,933 —Like you used to do —— 1450 01:24:26,034 --> 01:24:28,935 And, Stewie, we all know you kept busy. 1451 01:24:29,037 --> 01:24:30,937 Oh, yes, it was exhausting... 1452 01:24:31,039 --> 01:24:33,405 ...between shooting films and those damned talk shows. 1453 01:24:33,508 --> 01:24:36,409 Hee-hee! 1454 01:24:36,511 --> 01:24:39,173 Ha-ha! Ha-ha! 1455 01:24:40,916 --> 01:24:45,217 I think it would have to be... Fuck. 1456 01:24:48,024 --> 01:24:50,424 And what is your favorite curse word? 1457 01:24:50,526 --> 01:24:52,391 Listen, cars aren't designed for women. 1458 01:24:52,495 --> 01:24:57,194 The steering wheel would have two dents in it. We bring our own air bags. Right, girls? 1459 01:24:59,302 --> 01:25:01,270 Anybody like cheesecake? 1460 01:25:03,673 --> 01:25:06,301 Well, we're glad to have you back on the air. 1461 01:25:06,409 --> 01:25:08,639 I'll let you all enjoy the party now. 1462 01:25:08,745 --> 01:25:12,306 - Peter, is there anything else you want to say? - Yeah, I got something to say. 1463 01:25:12,415 --> 01:25:14,315 You know, we kid around a lot here... 1464 01:25:14,417 --> 01:25:16,817 ...but the truth is, we care about each other. 1465 01:25:16,919 --> 01:25:20,218 We're excited to be back because we want to address some serious issues. 1466 01:25:20,323 --> 01:25:23,224 - You know, do something we can all be proud of. 1467 01:25:23,326 --> 01:25:25,454 Peter! 1468 01:25:25,562 --> 01:25:27,530 Still got it! 1469 01:25:29,199 --> 01:25:32,930 That was me. I used to think flatulence was something to laugh about. 1470 01:25:33,036 --> 01:25:35,937 Truth is, 300 million Americans a day... 1471 01:25:36,039 --> 01:25:37,939 ...expel gas through their anus. 1472 01:25:38,041 --> 01:25:40,771 To learn more about flatulence, you can visit my ass. 1473 01:25:40,878 --> 01:25:43,938 Just yankin' ya!