1
00:00:02,467 --> 00:00:04,935
This here is
a radon test kit.
2
00:00:05,003 --> 00:00:06,470
Okay, I'll be
putting them everywhere.
3
00:00:06,538 --> 00:00:09,098
And please don't
throw these out.
4
00:00:10,142 --> 00:00:12,167
This is a radon test kit.
5
00:00:13,211 --> 00:00:14,371
Please don't
throw these out.
6
00:00:16,114 --> 00:00:17,411
You'll see them
all over the office.
7
00:00:17,716 --> 00:00:19,809
Toby has been leaving
radon kits everywhere
8
00:00:20,285 --> 00:00:21,809
like he owns the place.
9
00:00:22,954 --> 00:00:26,321
The first time I threw mine away,
I thought it was an ant trap.
10
00:00:27,192 --> 00:00:28,750
But I figured I'd
rather live with ants
11
00:00:28,827 --> 00:00:30,727
than with this
creepy little disk.
12
00:00:30,796 --> 00:00:34,698
The second time, I thought
it was one of those,
13
00:00:34,766 --> 00:00:38,702
you know, the things you turn
over and it moos like a cow thing,
14
00:00:38,770 --> 00:00:44,367
but upon closer examination it was
another ant trap, so I threw it away.
15
00:00:44,443 --> 00:00:49,176
And the third time,
I did it out of spite.
16
00:00:52,284 --> 00:00:53,512
Come on, Michael,
you're interrupting.
17
00:00:53,585 --> 00:00:55,314
You're kidding me! God!
18
00:00:55,387 --> 00:00:57,446
You say radon is silent but
deadly and then you expect me
19
00:00:57,522 --> 00:00:59,547
not to make farting noises
with my mouth?
20
00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:00,886
What is this?
Please sit down.
21
00:01:00,959 --> 00:01:02,449
You know what, we're
not gonna die of radon,
22
00:01:02,527 --> 00:01:03,789
we're gonna die of boredom.
23
00:01:03,862 --> 00:01:04,851
Yeah.
24
00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:05,988
Right?
25
00:01:06,064 --> 00:01:08,157
And if I had a gun
with two bullets,
26
00:01:08,233 --> 00:01:10,929
and I was in a room with
Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby,
27
00:01:11,002 --> 00:01:12,833
I would shoot Toby twice.
28
00:01:14,339 --> 00:01:16,000
Okay, all right.
You were being really funny
29
00:01:16,074 --> 00:01:17,063
and then you went too far.
30
00:01:17,142 --> 00:01:19,042
I would kill Bin Laden
and then Toby.
31
00:01:19,177 --> 00:01:20,667
No. That's still...
32
00:01:20,745 --> 00:01:22,679
Okay, geniuses,
how would you do it?
33
00:01:22,747 --> 00:01:26,843
Curve the bullet like in my
favorite James McAvoy film Wanted.
34
00:01:27,486 --> 00:01:29,010
All that does is help you
shoot around things.
35
00:01:29,087 --> 00:01:30,884
What does Bin Laden... Is
there a curtain rod in the room?
36
00:01:30,956 --> 00:01:31,980
I don't know.
37
00:01:32,057 --> 00:01:35,254
How about make-believe
land has anything you want?
38
00:01:35,327 --> 00:01:37,386
Stanley, please,
this is serious.
39
00:01:37,729 --> 00:01:40,391
Is this the thing where they use
an icicle so there's no evidence?
40
00:01:40,465 --> 00:01:42,558
Yes, we should stab Toby
through the heart with an icicle.
41
00:01:42,634 --> 00:01:44,465
Come on, the whole two
bullet thing is a red herring.
42
00:01:44,536 --> 00:01:46,299
Here's how you do it.
You line them all up,
43
00:01:46,371 --> 00:01:48,566
you take one bullet, shoot
them all through the throat
44
00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,198
at the same time.
45
00:01:50,275 --> 00:01:52,209
Watch this. Phyllis,
you're Hitler, come up here.
46
00:01:52,277 --> 00:01:55,542
Toby, you're Toby. Andy,
you're Bin Laden. Line up.
47
00:01:55,614 --> 00:01:57,138
- I don't want to do this.
- Throats together.
48
00:01:57,215 --> 00:01:58,910
Toby, just do it!
Toby, come on.
49
00:01:58,984 --> 00:02:00,008
God.
50
00:02:00,085 --> 00:02:02,076
Ready, one bullet and...
51
00:02:02,521 --> 00:02:03,647
Boom!
52
00:02:07,259 --> 00:02:08,487
Yeah, that works.
53
00:02:09,127 --> 00:02:10,219
It worked!
54
00:02:32,918 --> 00:02:34,044
What flavors did you get?
55
00:02:34,119 --> 00:02:35,609
It's so exciting, Pam.
56
00:02:35,687 --> 00:02:38,679
The Eagles are doing a theme of
ice creams in honor of turning 60.
57
00:02:38,757 --> 00:02:42,420
"Despera-Dough, Witchy-Womanilla."
Why do they do this?
58
00:02:42,494 --> 00:02:43,586
Do you want me to
go back to the store?
59
00:02:43,662 --> 00:02:46,222
No, no, no, it's fine.
I was just commenting.
60
00:02:46,531 --> 00:02:48,465
We got to get these
out, open them up. Okay.
61
00:02:48,533 --> 00:02:51,161
This is all for Michael. Turns
out his girlfriend was married.
62
00:02:51,770 --> 00:02:53,431
Yeah, and when
Michael gets a broken heart,
63
00:02:53,505 --> 00:02:54,938
this whole place
comes to a halt,
64
00:02:55,006 --> 00:02:57,270
so, we're just trying to
get out in front of this.
65
00:02:57,542 --> 00:03:00,705
After his last breakup, he ate
40,000 calories in three hours.
66
00:03:00,779 --> 00:03:02,747
Right, Pam?
That's what Pam told me.
67
00:03:03,415 --> 00:03:04,473
Yeah.
68
00:03:04,549 --> 00:03:06,176
Or, no, well,
I don't know.
69
00:03:06,251 --> 00:03:08,879
I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece.
70
00:03:08,954 --> 00:03:10,717
Otherwise I'd be
running this.
71
00:03:10,789 --> 00:03:11,983
That's okay.
72
00:03:12,057 --> 00:03:14,355
You probably shouldn't
keep a baby up that late.
73
00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,884
We have Mr. Bean playing
in the conference room,
74
00:03:17,062 --> 00:03:18,427
and the Pink Panther
movie in his office.
75
00:03:18,496 --> 00:03:19,929
With half hour shifts
to watch with him.
76
00:03:19,998 --> 00:03:21,829
And we need bodies in
both these rooms, people.
77
00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:22,889
So, please sign up.
78
00:03:23,101 --> 00:03:24,329
He's coming.
- Oh. Okay.
79
00:03:24,402 --> 00:03:26,302
Everyone, remember
when he gets like this,
80
00:03:26,371 --> 00:03:28,236
he will wallow
if you empathize.
81
00:03:28,306 --> 00:03:29,568
Keep conversations light.
82
00:03:29,641 --> 00:03:31,700
And if you get stuck and
you don't know what to do,
83
00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,209
make a random
sound effect.
84
00:03:33,278 --> 00:03:34,939
Okay, farting noise,
whatever. Okay.
85
00:03:35,747 --> 00:03:37,305
Hey, everyone.
No, out.
86
00:03:37,382 --> 00:03:38,610
Get out, right now.
Leave now.
87
00:03:38,683 --> 00:03:39,980
Get out. Right now.
88
00:03:40,051 --> 00:03:41,279
Please, please!
89
00:03:42,220 --> 00:03:44,154
And if he makes a joke,
just laugh it up
90
00:03:44,222 --> 00:03:45,951
no matter what, okay?
91
00:03:49,094 --> 00:03:50,959
Morning, everyone.
- Hey!
92
00:03:51,029 --> 00:03:52,087
Hey!
93
00:03:52,163 --> 00:03:53,187
Hey!
94
00:03:53,264 --> 00:03:54,390
Hello.
95
00:03:54,466 --> 00:03:56,525
Michael,
nice tie or something.
96
00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,962
Thank you.
It's reversible, I think.
97
00:04:00,905 --> 00:04:02,202
That's hilarious. PAM: That's awesome.
98
00:04:02,273 --> 00:04:03,365
You want some ice cream?
99
00:04:03,608 --> 00:04:06,736
Oh! Wow. Are those
Eagles flavors?
100
00:04:07,345 --> 00:04:09,245
"Cake It To The Limit,"
that's my favorite.
101
00:04:09,314 --> 00:04:11,680
I love that. Too much
for me to have by myself.
102
00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:13,047
Anybody want to share?
103
00:04:17,122 --> 00:04:21,422
Okay, well... That's random.
I will dig into those later.
104
00:04:23,261 --> 00:04:25,195
I don't follow this
exactly.
105
00:04:25,263 --> 00:04:26,821
"The descendents
of any replicants
106
00:04:26,898 --> 00:04:28,126
"from this union
shall have..."
107
00:04:28,199 --> 00:04:29,223
Joint custody.
Joint custody.
108
00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,632
Are we talking about
your grandchildren?
109
00:04:32,704 --> 00:04:33,728
No.
No.
110
00:04:33,905 --> 00:04:35,372
Rather than spend
all day in court,
111
00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,500
we have decided to settle
our dispute using a mediator.
112
00:04:38,943 --> 00:04:42,003
It was an option spelled out
in our child-rearing contract.
113
00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:43,138
Alleged contract.
114
00:04:43,214 --> 00:04:44,238
Alleged?
115
00:04:44,315 --> 00:04:46,545
I'm going to own your farm
by the time this is over.
116
00:04:46,651 --> 00:04:50,246
Pfft. Yeah, just try. I
will do legal jujitsu on you.
117
00:04:50,321 --> 00:04:51,345
Yeah.
118
00:04:52,590 --> 00:04:55,616
See, don't even need to make
contact. The law will do it.
119
00:04:56,394 --> 00:04:58,453
So much of this is
just impossible to verify.
120
00:04:58,530 --> 00:05:01,829
Item five, point B,
the beet juice cleanse.
121
00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:04,767
I'm doing it. You know
I am. It's disgusting.
122
00:05:04,836 --> 00:05:06,565
How do we know this? I'd
like to see a stool sample.
123
00:05:06,638 --> 00:05:08,435
Dwight, look at my teeth.
124
00:05:09,507 --> 00:05:10,565
Ugh!
125
00:05:10,775 --> 00:05:12,402
No secret crying.
126
00:05:12,610 --> 00:05:14,976
Hasn't even opened
the tissue box in there.
127
00:05:15,413 --> 00:05:16,903
Could he still be seeing her?
128
00:05:17,048 --> 00:05:18,572
I don't think he'd do that.
129
00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,449
So, we're gonna say
the most likely scenario
130
00:05:20,518 --> 00:05:22,452
is that Michael
matured overnight?
131
00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,988
It happened to
Tom Hanks in Big.
132
00:05:25,223 --> 00:05:27,919
Exactly.
It happened in Big.
133
00:05:29,427 --> 00:05:31,088
No, I gotta go.
Text me later.
134
00:05:31,463 --> 00:05:33,260
I'm really too tired
to do this. Me, too.
135
00:05:33,331 --> 00:05:34,992
Then let's just not do this.
136
00:05:35,066 --> 00:05:37,432
Do you have any idea
of the risks involved?
137
00:05:38,737 --> 00:05:39,829
Hey, Michael.
Hey.
138
00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:42,372
We were wondering if you'd like
to have dinner with us tonight
139
00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,374
in our home and
play with our baby?
140
00:05:44,442 --> 00:05:46,034
We could order in
from Hooters.
141
00:05:46,244 --> 00:05:47,609
Hooters to go, nice.
142
00:05:47,779 --> 00:05:49,246
We can watch a movie
and play Rock Band.
143
00:05:49,314 --> 00:05:50,406
Billy Joel Rock Band.
144
00:05:50,515 --> 00:05:51,607
That exists?
145
00:05:51,683 --> 00:05:52,741
Yes.
146
00:05:53,818 --> 00:05:56,548
Okay, well, I'll have to take a
rain check, but thanks for the offer.
147
00:05:57,288 --> 00:05:59,586
Michael Scott,
are you still seeing Donna?
148
00:06:01,159 --> 00:06:03,218
Okay, Pam,
149
00:06:03,661 --> 00:06:06,289
she's not invisible, so
stop asking silly questions.
150
00:06:06,364 --> 00:06:07,456
Michael.
151
00:06:07,532 --> 00:06:09,124
Since when is this an office
152
00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,760
where we delve into
each other's personal lives?
153
00:06:11,836 --> 00:06:13,326
I like Donna.
154
00:06:15,206 --> 00:06:17,800
Is it wrong to
keep seeing her?
155
00:06:17,876 --> 00:06:20,538
Depends on who you ask. I
mean, if you ask her husband
156
00:06:21,846 --> 00:06:24,747
or you took a random poll,
yeah, it's wrong.
157
00:06:24,883 --> 00:06:26,350
That is something
I would never do.
158
00:06:26,417 --> 00:06:28,749
Well, I think we all know what
you're capable of, Meredith.
159
00:06:28,820 --> 00:06:32,221
Hey, I have never cheated on, been
cheated on or been used to cheat with.
160
00:06:32,323 --> 00:06:37,625
I ask everyone in the room,
"Are you in a relationship?"
161
00:06:39,264 --> 00:06:40,424
People, this is Scranton
162
00:06:40,498 --> 00:06:41,829
and many people
consider that to be
163
00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:44,130
the Paris of
northeastern Pennsylvania.
164
00:06:44,202 --> 00:06:47,069
And in Paris, it is rude for a
woman to have less than four lovers.
165
00:06:47,472 --> 00:06:49,337
Ugh! Ryan, I do not want you
hanging out with Michael anymore.
166
00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:50,532
Okay.
167
00:06:50,608 --> 00:06:53,236
Okay, I will have you know
that I asked Donna about this
168
00:06:53,311 --> 00:06:54,573
and she is fine with it.
169
00:06:54,646 --> 00:06:57,274
And just to be sure, I asked
her again afterward, same answer.
170
00:06:57,382 --> 00:06:58,644
How does he feel about it?
171
00:06:58,716 --> 00:07:00,513
He is never gonna find out.
172
00:07:00,585 --> 00:07:02,280
He is a high school
baseball coach,
173
00:07:02,353 --> 00:07:04,719
he wakes up early,
he goes to bed early.
174
00:07:06,457 --> 00:07:08,391
Look at how long it took
for him to find out.
175
00:07:08,459 --> 00:07:10,791
It was right under his nose.
I had to tell him.
176
00:07:10,862 --> 00:07:12,329
Okay, now you're
just being hurtful.
177
00:07:12,397 --> 00:07:13,694
I'm sorry.
178
00:07:13,932 --> 00:07:16,992
Why is it okay for Stanley to
cheat? Or for Phyllis to cheat?
179
00:07:17,268 --> 00:07:18,326
Hey.
180
00:07:18,403 --> 00:07:19,461
On her diet.
181
00:07:19,737 --> 00:07:22,137
He's a sports guy.
He's scummy.
182
00:07:22,373 --> 00:07:24,307
Dog fighting,
drugs, they spit.
183
00:07:24,475 --> 00:07:25,908
Did Donna tell you that?
184
00:07:26,778 --> 00:07:28,609
Real Sports with
Bryant Gumball.
185
00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,114
So, you're just making a giant
assumption. You don't even know the guy.
186
00:07:31,182 --> 00:07:32,547
You know what?
You know what?
187
00:07:32,617 --> 00:07:35,643
I am declaring a moment
of silence right now.
188
00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,518
Ten minutes of silence
honoring Michael Jackson.
189
00:07:38,590 --> 00:07:41,457
Just sit there and think
about Michael Jackson.
190
00:07:42,460 --> 00:07:44,485
My name's Andy Bernard
and I am a cuckold.
191
00:07:44,562 --> 00:07:46,325
For those of you unfamiliar
with William Shakespeare,
192
00:07:46,397 --> 00:07:48,888
a cuckold is a man whose
woman is cheating on him.
193
00:07:49,634 --> 00:07:50,931
I've lived the part.
194
00:07:52,070 --> 00:07:56,063
And let me tell you, I would so
much rather play the part on stage.
195
00:07:57,842 --> 00:08:01,243
So, here's the thing
about infidelity.
196
00:08:01,312 --> 00:08:02,404
No, no.
197
00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,971
When are you people going to
stop casting the first stone?
198
00:08:05,617 --> 00:08:07,778
I am not in the wrong here.
I am the good guy.
199
00:08:08,419 --> 00:08:09,750
How does that work?
200
00:08:10,388 --> 00:08:13,824
Do you think this husband
is a super sweet, nice guy?
201
00:08:13,892 --> 00:08:16,292
Do you think he's an angel?
I don't think so.
202
00:08:16,361 --> 00:08:20,889
Why is his wife going off and having
a little something-something with me?
203
00:08:21,432 --> 00:08:24,629
There has to be
a problem with him.
204
00:08:24,869 --> 00:08:28,703
In any cheating movie, the person
getting cheated on is the hero.
205
00:08:29,073 --> 00:08:31,200
You're Ali Larter,
I'm Beyoncé.
206
00:08:31,442 --> 00:08:32,534
I am Beyoncé always.
207
00:08:32,610 --> 00:08:34,339
Not this time.
Yes, I am.
208
00:08:34,946 --> 00:08:37,437
This guy's a high school
baseball coach, right?
209
00:08:37,515 --> 00:08:39,312
Let's go check him out, see
what a horrible person he is.
210
00:08:39,450 --> 00:08:41,077
I would love that.
Yeah.
211
00:08:41,152 --> 00:08:43,450
Those teams have games and practices
every day. Let's go check it out.
212
00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:45,117
I have work to do.
213
00:08:45,189 --> 00:08:46,816
Really?
I thought you were the boss.
214
00:08:48,693 --> 00:08:49,682
Let's go.
215
00:08:50,862 --> 00:08:53,797
I can't wait to see this jerk who
is making me cheat on his wife.
216
00:08:53,865 --> 00:08:55,025
I should punch him
in the nose
217
00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:56,430
for what he's
making me do to her.
218
00:09:05,443 --> 00:09:06,774
All right, Andy, please.
219
00:09:06,911 --> 00:09:08,242
Baseball!
Shh!
220
00:09:08,780 --> 00:09:11,214
Try not to draw attention,
please.
221
00:09:12,717 --> 00:09:13,741
That's him. That's him.
222
00:09:14,285 --> 00:09:15,445
Where?
Right there.
223
00:09:15,687 --> 00:09:16,711
The coach.
224
00:09:16,788 --> 00:09:18,050
Stage right or stage left?
225
00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:19,749
I played batboy
in Damn Yankees.
226
00:09:19,824 --> 00:09:22,987
Right there. Look, look.
Follow my finger, okay? See?
227
00:09:23,294 --> 00:09:24,989
The grownup by the base.
228
00:09:25,063 --> 00:09:28,555
And now coaching third base
with two arms, two legs
229
00:09:28,633 --> 00:09:30,794
and a heart capable
of feeling pain...
230
00:09:30,868 --> 00:09:32,836
All right. Can you
just... Is number...
231
00:09:32,904 --> 00:09:35,134
Can you just act normal
for a second, please?
232
00:09:35,206 --> 00:09:37,470
Whatever.
I'm the one blending in.
233
00:09:46,484 --> 00:09:48,247
Guys?
Pam?
234
00:09:48,820 --> 00:09:50,344
Hey. Oh! Hi, Gabe.
235
00:09:50,655 --> 00:09:53,749
Can you two please join
me in my office? Now.
236
00:09:58,963 --> 00:10:00,396
You were supposed
to be the lookout.
237
00:10:00,465 --> 00:10:03,434
Yeah, well, it's really warm in
here. It's like a sleeping bag.
238
00:10:03,835 --> 00:10:06,326
I don't want to be the heavy
here, but honestly, guys,
239
00:10:06,404 --> 00:10:07,871
this makes us all look bad.
240
00:10:08,139 --> 00:10:10,073
Sorry about that.
So embarrassing.
241
00:10:11,576 --> 00:10:14,602
Good, okay,
end of the dressing down.
242
00:10:15,013 --> 00:10:18,244
I just hate that part of the
job, you know? The power dynamic.
243
00:10:18,816 --> 00:10:20,374
Well, you were
surprisingly restrained.
244
00:10:20,451 --> 00:10:22,009
We will be well
rested tomorrow.
245
00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,109
Okay. That's great, actually,
246
00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:25,052
because I wanted to talk
to you about something else.
247
00:10:25,456 --> 00:10:26,787
Excellent. Go for it.
248
00:10:26,858 --> 00:10:28,826
I'm sure you got my e-mail
about the printer fires,
249
00:10:28,893 --> 00:10:30,952
the one with
the branching decision tree.
250
00:10:31,029 --> 00:10:32,656
I actually
designed that chart.
251
00:10:32,730 --> 00:10:34,425
Kind of hoping
it catches on.
252
00:10:34,499 --> 00:10:36,364
Anyway, the question is,
253
00:10:36,434 --> 00:10:39,232
what is the best way to
disseminate important information
254
00:10:39,303 --> 00:10:40,600
in an efficient way?
255
00:10:40,972 --> 00:10:44,203
Right. So let's...
256
00:10:44,442 --> 00:10:46,239
Finally, there's a provision
here in the occurrence
257
00:10:46,310 --> 00:10:48,073
that the child is
born an old man,
258
00:10:48,146 --> 00:10:49,170
a la Benjamin Button.
259
00:10:49,247 --> 00:10:51,044
Same page. Go to the next one.
Same page. We're fine there.
260
00:10:51,115 --> 00:10:52,480
Just keep moving.
261
00:10:52,550 --> 00:10:54,142
Despite
the provision covering
262
00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:55,776
whether this is all
part of The Matrix...
263
00:10:55,953 --> 00:10:57,318
Which we can't know...
264
00:10:57,655 --> 00:10:58,713
...this is essentially...
265
00:10:58,790 --> 00:10:59,779
...unless we're unplugged...
266
00:11:00,558 --> 00:11:02,856
...equivalent to a donor
or surrogate contract...
267
00:11:03,094 --> 00:11:04,493
...and wake up in the future.
268
00:11:04,629 --> 00:11:06,563
...which is
actually pretty common.
269
00:11:06,631 --> 00:11:09,930
So, I have to tell you that
this is a solid contract.
270
00:11:11,369 --> 00:11:12,529
What?
271
00:11:12,603 --> 00:11:15,504
Look, I can't enforce that anybody
have a child with anyone else.
272
00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:16,729
What?
273
00:11:16,808 --> 00:11:19,402
So essentially
this comes down to damages.
274
00:11:19,777 --> 00:11:23,178
Now, there is some precedence
for the range of $30,000.
275
00:11:23,581 --> 00:11:24,673
What?
276
00:11:24,782 --> 00:11:27,376
I don't have
$30,000 lying around.
277
00:11:27,452 --> 00:11:28,817
I have it buried very deeply,
278
00:11:28,886 --> 00:11:31,719
and I don't want to dig past
a certain someone to get it.
279
00:11:32,790 --> 00:11:35,281
Chase Dixon is up,
could be a big play.
280
00:11:35,359 --> 00:11:36,485
You have no idea what
you're talking about.
281
00:11:36,561 --> 00:11:37,858
I know it's like cricket.
282
00:11:37,929 --> 00:11:39,157
No. No.
283
00:11:39,230 --> 00:11:41,198
Well, home plate
is like a wicket.
284
00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:43,460
You don't know,
you don't know anything.
285
00:11:43,734 --> 00:11:46,100
Look at him.
Look at him over there.
286
00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:49,071
High fiving?
He didn't even do anything.
287
00:11:49,140 --> 00:11:50,767
The kid did all the work.
288
00:11:50,975 --> 00:11:51,999
I bet he does that at home.
289
00:11:52,076 --> 00:11:55,443
I bet it's like, "Hey, Donna,
why don't you wash the dishes?
290
00:11:55,513 --> 00:11:57,003
"High five, Donna."
291
00:11:57,081 --> 00:12:00,915
"Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers?
High five. I'm taking all the credit."
292
00:12:00,985 --> 00:12:02,748
He seems pretty
well liked by the team.
293
00:12:02,820 --> 00:12:06,153
Okay, well, that's because
he's paying their salary.
294
00:12:07,258 --> 00:12:09,419
You do know that high school
coaches don't pay their players.
295
00:12:09,494 --> 00:12:11,428
I know. I know. I know.
296
00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:13,561
That was a euphemism.
297
00:12:13,698 --> 00:12:15,893
$30,000?
There's got to be another way.
298
00:12:16,033 --> 00:12:19,002
He has a 60-acre beet farm
that is worth a small fortune.
299
00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:20,728
Look, I will not pay.
300
00:12:21,139 --> 00:12:23,630
Well, I have an alternative.
301
00:12:24,609 --> 00:12:26,975
"Intercourse to completion
five individual times
302
00:12:27,044 --> 00:12:28,272
"rendered at my discretion."
303
00:12:28,346 --> 00:12:29,813
Look, I don't think
that's actually legal.
304
00:12:29,914 --> 00:12:31,176
Agreed.
305
00:12:33,217 --> 00:12:37,085
Five times for $30,000?
Not a bad stud fee.
306
00:12:37,155 --> 00:12:38,884
Better than most horses.
307
00:12:39,223 --> 00:12:40,815
But not on your bed.
It's lumpy.
308
00:12:40,892 --> 00:12:42,985
Those lumps are cats,
and those cats have names,
309
00:12:43,060 --> 00:12:45,824
and those names are Amber,
Milky Way, Dianne and Lumpy.
310
00:12:46,297 --> 00:12:47,628
Fine, five times.
311
00:12:47,698 --> 00:12:49,757
Look, I can't legally
watch this unfold.
312
00:12:49,834 --> 00:12:51,961
It's coming a little dangerously
close to prostitution.
313
00:12:52,270 --> 00:12:53,498
I want eye contact.
314
00:12:53,571 --> 00:12:54,663
No.
Yes.
315
00:12:54,739 --> 00:12:56,604
Do you understand how rare
that is in nature?
316
00:12:56,674 --> 00:12:58,107
I'm not some farm animal.
317
00:13:01,812 --> 00:13:03,404
Great game, Coach.
Shh.
318
00:13:03,481 --> 00:13:05,210
Okay, all right,
don't, don't, don't.
319
00:13:05,583 --> 00:13:08,916
You guys are awesome. Best
game I've ever seen in my life.
320
00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,054
Yeah, right. You must be
rooting for the other guys.
321
00:13:11,122 --> 00:13:12,919
Ha! The other guys
can go die.
322
00:13:12,990 --> 00:13:13,979
Okay.
Baseball!
323
00:13:14,058 --> 00:13:15,082
Go talk to him.
324
00:13:15,159 --> 00:13:16,592
No, God,
you go talk to him.
325
00:13:17,495 --> 00:13:20,293
Shane, great game, man.
326
00:13:21,632 --> 00:13:22,690
Do I know you?
327
00:13:22,767 --> 00:13:23,791
No, just big fans.
328
00:13:24,068 --> 00:13:25,399
Both of us.
329
00:13:25,570 --> 00:13:27,663
Are you somebody's
parents?
330
00:13:27,738 --> 00:13:31,105
Are you guys Kenny's dads?
331
00:13:31,676 --> 00:13:34,645
No, no,
but we're gay for baseball.
332
00:13:35,413 --> 00:13:37,176
Okay.
But I have a wife, actually,
333
00:13:37,248 --> 00:13:38,977
who I really love a lot.
Yeah.
334
00:13:39,050 --> 00:13:40,210
Okay.
335
00:13:40,284 --> 00:13:41,308
Let's go!
336
00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:43,182
I am so into the
institution of marriage.
337
00:13:43,321 --> 00:13:45,619
Isn't marriage the best,
you know?
338
00:13:45,823 --> 00:13:47,347
Two good people
finding each other,
339
00:13:47,425 --> 00:13:49,416
getting all committed to
each other.
340
00:13:50,895 --> 00:13:52,556
You love baseball,
what else do you love?
341
00:13:52,697 --> 00:13:54,358
Let's round you out
as a person.
342
00:13:54,498 --> 00:13:57,228
Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just
trying to focus here on the game.
343
00:13:57,301 --> 00:14:00,202
I get it, man. I love it. That's
what makes you a good coach.
344
00:14:00,705 --> 00:14:03,538
You know, but as a fan, it just
helps me enjoy the game better
345
00:14:03,608 --> 00:14:06,099
if I know
the coach loves his wife.
346
00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:09,104
Of course. Okay, I've
got to get back to this.
347
00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:10,238
Of course.
All right.
348
00:14:10,314 --> 00:14:13,112
But real quick, I want you
to meet my associate. Sheldon!
349
00:14:13,184 --> 00:14:14,879
No, no, no. I'm good.
- Come on, get over here.
350
00:14:14,952 --> 00:14:16,715
Get over here.
Oh, my God. All right.
351
00:14:16,787 --> 00:14:18,914
Sheldon, say hi
to the nice coach.
352
00:14:18,990 --> 00:14:20,252
Sorry, I've got
some stomach cramps.
353
00:14:20,558 --> 00:14:22,253
It's all right, it's
all right, just keep it going.
354
00:14:22,326 --> 00:14:24,351
Well, that was not at all
what I expected.
355
00:14:26,764 --> 00:14:27,924
My heart's still racing.
356
00:14:28,165 --> 00:14:30,929
I just looked a man in the
eyes and I shook his hand.
357
00:14:31,002 --> 00:14:34,096
All the time I was thinking,
"I'm sleeping with your wife."
358
00:14:34,238 --> 00:14:37,230
You know who does that?
James freaking Bond.
359
00:14:39,043 --> 00:14:41,409
Okay, orange slices.
360
00:14:41,479 --> 00:14:42,946
There you go.
Thanks, Michael.
361
00:14:43,014 --> 00:14:45,676
Don't thank me,
thank Dylan's mom.
362
00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:46,910
There you go.
363
00:14:48,486 --> 00:14:49,953
Why would you throw
something wet at me?
364
00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:51,113
You love it.
365
00:14:51,188 --> 00:14:52,382
There you go.
366
00:14:53,124 --> 00:14:54,250
Now, were those
for the team?
367
00:14:54,725 --> 00:14:57,193
No. They didn't say "team,"
they just said "Coal Hawks."
368
00:14:57,395 --> 00:14:59,090
I don't think those
were yours to take.
369
00:14:59,163 --> 00:15:00,653
Well, then, it wouldn't
be the first time
370
00:15:00,731 --> 00:15:02,665
I stole something
away from Coach Shane.
371
00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:04,228
I just want to
go on record as saying
372
00:15:04,302 --> 00:15:06,532
that I do not
condone this affair.
373
00:15:06,604 --> 00:15:08,367
And I even went so
far as to force Michael
374
00:15:08,439 --> 00:15:10,566
to confront
the victim of his behavior.
375
00:15:11,108 --> 00:15:12,666
Did you talk to him?
I did.
376
00:15:12,743 --> 00:15:15,644
You talked to the man whose wife
you're having an affair with?
377
00:15:15,713 --> 00:15:17,408
Wow, that is crazy.
378
00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:18,539
Was there a fist fight?
379
00:15:18,616 --> 00:15:21,141
No, we just talked.
He's very nice.
380
00:15:21,218 --> 00:15:22,412
And it didn't
change your mind?
381
00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:23,578
It did not.
382
00:15:23,688 --> 00:15:24,677
Michael, that's awful.
383
00:15:24,755 --> 00:15:25,744
Isn't it?
384
00:15:25,823 --> 00:15:27,120
Yes.
I'm awful, aren't I?
385
00:15:27,191 --> 00:15:28,283
Yeah, that's pretty...
386
00:15:28,359 --> 00:15:29,758
I'm an awful guy. Ooh!
387
00:15:29,827 --> 00:15:31,055
How can you
live with yourself?
388
00:15:31,128 --> 00:15:33,028
I am what I am, Oscar.
389
00:15:33,331 --> 00:15:36,823
And I want what I want. And
right now I want a piece of cake.
390
00:15:37,368 --> 00:15:41,065
From now on, when I'm hungry, I am
going to eat whatever I am hungry for.
391
00:15:41,138 --> 00:15:43,800
That is
a dangerous game, friend-o.
392
00:15:44,141 --> 00:15:45,472
Well, because
I thought that it was
393
00:15:45,543 --> 00:15:47,101
a book about Anthropologie,
the store.
394
00:15:47,178 --> 00:15:49,078
I don't know why you were in
that part of the bookstore.
395
00:15:49,146 --> 00:15:50,636
Because it's next to
the baby section, okay?
396
00:15:50,715 --> 00:15:53,115
Well, that makes more sense. You
should have said that at the beginning,
397
00:15:53,184 --> 00:15:54,845
when you said, "I read a
book about anthropology."
398
00:15:54,919 --> 00:15:56,750
I don't even know why
you're screaming at me right now.
399
00:15:56,821 --> 00:15:58,083
I'm not screaming.
I'm not screaming.
400
00:15:58,522 --> 00:16:00,387
That's Meredith's cake.
It's her birthday.
401
00:16:00,458 --> 00:16:01,982
I don't care.
402
00:16:02,059 --> 00:16:04,459
I have an appetite for life.
403
00:16:06,230 --> 00:16:07,424
Mmm.
404
00:16:08,666 --> 00:16:10,531
God, that's lemon.
405
00:16:11,569 --> 00:16:15,232
Good for you, man.
Good for you.
406
00:16:19,176 --> 00:16:21,144
He takes what he wants.
407
00:16:23,481 --> 00:16:24,971
You know what?
408
00:16:25,049 --> 00:16:27,779
I think you're attractive
and I want to sleep with you.
409
00:16:28,052 --> 00:16:29,110
What about Kelly?
410
00:16:29,687 --> 00:16:31,018
You read my mind.
411
00:16:31,489 --> 00:16:32,649
Is this a joke?
412
00:16:33,324 --> 00:16:34,586
Yep.
413
00:16:37,094 --> 00:16:38,425
It's hard to
live that way, man.
414
00:16:38,496 --> 00:16:41,260
You gotta really not care what
people think about you, right?
415
00:16:41,766 --> 00:16:44,633
I don't know how you do it,
Michael. I can't be that cold.
416
00:16:45,870 --> 00:16:47,565
You'll learn, baby,
you'll learn.
417
00:16:54,311 --> 00:16:57,405
I am an honorable man
and I will honor the contract.
418
00:16:57,915 --> 00:16:59,712
But I don't have to
give her the good stuff.
419
00:17:00,151 --> 00:17:03,552
Schrute sperm are strong, but they're
no match for a grown Schrute man.
420
00:17:04,822 --> 00:17:07,120
Let's see what she gets.
421
00:17:12,430 --> 00:17:14,022
Boss, we're out of paper.
422
00:17:14,098 --> 00:17:15,156
Yeah, I noticed that.
423
00:17:15,232 --> 00:17:17,132
Aren't you gonna add any more? Nope.
424
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,831
He don't give
an F about nothing.
425
00:17:20,137 --> 00:17:22,332
I have got big balls.
426
00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:25,097
I don't think
I'm gonna make it.
427
00:17:25,176 --> 00:17:26,905
What about an
energy drink or something?
428
00:17:27,278 --> 00:17:30,645
It gets in the breast milk. If I drink
it, Cece drinks it six hours later.
429
00:17:30,848 --> 00:17:32,076
Well, it doesn't mean
I can't drink it.
430
00:17:32,149 --> 00:17:33,514
Well, it does and it doesn't.
431
00:17:34,518 --> 00:17:36,782
I probably
shouldn't tell you this,
432
00:17:36,854 --> 00:17:40,551
but a lot guys in the
warehouse work multiple jobs,
433
00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:41,682
so we have a place.
434
00:17:42,293 --> 00:17:43,282
A place?
435
00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,486
A restful location.
436
00:17:45,129 --> 00:17:47,063
Talk to Glen, he'll
take you up in the lift.
437
00:17:47,465 --> 00:17:48,932
You sleep in the warehouse?
438
00:17:49,867 --> 00:17:52,563
Light bulb's burned out,
so it's dark.
439
00:17:53,370 --> 00:17:56,498
And the heat from the backup
generator keeps it nice and warm.
440
00:17:57,007 --> 00:17:59,942
Sometimes I think about it when
I'm trying to fall asleep at home.
441
00:18:01,011 --> 00:18:04,469
But as far as the rest of the
office goes, it doesn't exist. Okay?
442
00:18:04,548 --> 00:18:05,810
Okay.
Pam?
443
00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:07,243
Okay.
444
00:18:08,886 --> 00:18:09,910
For your signature.
445
00:18:09,987 --> 00:18:11,011
Okay.
446
00:18:16,927 --> 00:18:17,916
Phyllis?
447
00:18:19,997 --> 00:18:21,089
Okay, look at me.
448
00:18:23,434 --> 00:18:27,268
Phyllis, look at...
Okay, that's...
449
00:18:28,072 --> 00:18:31,599
All right, all right, you
know what? I'm sick of this.
450
00:18:31,675 --> 00:18:34,576
I'm sick of the little
disapproving head shakes.
451
00:18:34,645 --> 00:18:37,136
If you think that's going
to have any effect on me,
452
00:18:37,214 --> 00:18:38,340
it will not.
453
00:18:38,415 --> 00:18:42,317
I am going to leave right now
and go to a motel to meet Donna.
454
00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:43,982
Why not your condo?
455
00:18:44,221 --> 00:18:47,850
Because a motel is dirty,
and it is sexy.
456
00:18:48,292 --> 00:18:50,556
Like me and like Donna.
457
00:18:51,061 --> 00:18:54,155
And frankly, the stuff that we're
into isn't very condo-appropriate.
458
00:18:54,231 --> 00:18:55,926
Michael, will you drop it?
459
00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,798
Everybody's spoken their mind
and no one's changing their mind.
460
00:18:58,969 --> 00:19:01,631
Okay, Morgan Freeman
narrating everything.
461
00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:03,468
Do you want someone to stop
you? Because no one's going to.
462
00:19:03,541 --> 00:19:05,736
Nobody better try to stop me.
463
00:19:07,645 --> 00:19:08,634
Good.
464
00:19:09,813 --> 00:19:11,576
I could have stopped him.
465
00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:20,121
Are you warmed up?
No.
466
00:19:20,257 --> 00:19:22,316
God, Angela, why is that
always my responsibility?
467
00:19:24,962 --> 00:19:26,156
What did you
do to yourself?
468
00:19:26,230 --> 00:19:27,788
Never mind.
Just... Never mind.
469
00:19:28,465 --> 00:19:30,433
Well, it better
work. DWIGHT: Lt'll work.
470
00:19:31,669 --> 00:19:33,296
Stop kissing me.
471
00:19:33,370 --> 00:19:34,530
It's not in the contract.
472
00:20:13,010 --> 00:20:15,501
How do I feel about
breaking up with Donna?
473
00:20:15,879 --> 00:20:19,007
Good. Moral.
I feel proud.
474
00:20:19,550 --> 00:20:20,710
Like a grown-up.
475
00:20:21,885 --> 00:20:25,514
That was not easy because
I really liked her a lot.
476
00:20:26,090 --> 00:20:27,785
I'm a little bit
emotional right now
477
00:20:27,858 --> 00:20:32,454
because I know that I absolutely
made the right decision.
478
00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:35,731
At the end of the day,
we have to do what's right.
479
00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,293
And it was either
living with myself
480
00:20:40,104 --> 00:20:42,038
or being happy.
481
00:20:45,275 --> 00:20:46,742
And I picked
482
00:20:47,578 --> 00:20:48,567
the
483
00:20:50,681 --> 00:20:51,670
former.
484
00:20:55,786 --> 00:20:57,617
Michael Scott?
Yes?
485
00:20:58,255 --> 00:20:59,950
Do you want to make
a comment on the rumors?
486
00:21:00,024 --> 00:21:01,286
Um...
487
00:21:02,660 --> 00:21:04,685
I have done some
very bad things.
488
00:21:05,462 --> 00:21:07,362
Things of which
I'm not proud.
489
00:21:07,598 --> 00:21:11,227
I would like to
publicly apologize
490
00:21:12,169 --> 00:21:13,727
to the coach
and the players,
491
00:21:14,371 --> 00:21:17,033
and I vow to never
492
00:21:17,608 --> 00:21:21,704
listen to my bodily
instincts ever again.
493
00:21:22,946 --> 00:21:25,278
I'm talking about the Sabre
printers that catch on fire.
494
00:21:25,482 --> 00:21:30,010
Oh! Okay, I was talking
about... What's going on?