1 00:00:02,467 --> 00:00:04,935 This here is a radon test kit. 2 00:00:05,003 --> 00:00:06,470 Okay, I'll be putting them everywhere. 3 00:00:06,538 --> 00:00:09,098 And please don't throw these out. 4 00:00:10,142 --> 00:00:12,167 This is a radon test kit. 5 00:00:13,211 --> 00:00:14,371 Please don't throw these out. 6 00:00:16,114 --> 00:00:17,411 You'll see them all over the office. 7 00:00:17,716 --> 00:00:19,809 Toby has been leaving radon kits everywhere 8 00:00:20,285 --> 00:00:21,809 like he owns the place. 9 00:00:22,954 --> 00:00:26,321 The first time I threw mine away, I thought it was an ant trap. 10 00:00:27,192 --> 00:00:28,750 But I figured I'd rather live with ants 11 00:00:28,827 --> 00:00:30,727 than with this creepy little disk. 12 00:00:30,796 --> 00:00:34,698 The second time, I thought it was one of those, 13 00:00:34,766 --> 00:00:38,702 you know, the things you turn over and it moos like a cow thing, 14 00:00:38,770 --> 00:00:44,367 but upon closer examination it was another ant trap, so I threw it away. 15 00:00:44,443 --> 00:00:49,176 And the third time, I did it out of spite. 16 00:00:52,284 --> 00:00:53,512 Come on, Michael, you're interrupting. 17 00:00:53,585 --> 00:00:55,314 You're kidding me! God! 18 00:00:55,387 --> 00:00:57,446 You say radon is silent but deadly and then you expect me 19 00:00:57,522 --> 00:00:59,547 not to make farting noises with my mouth? 20 00:00:59,624 --> 00:01:00,886 What is this? Please sit down. 21 00:01:00,959 --> 00:01:02,449 You know what, we're not gonna die of radon, 22 00:01:02,527 --> 00:01:03,789 we're gonna die of boredom. 23 00:01:03,862 --> 00:01:04,851 Yeah. 24 00:01:04,930 --> 00:01:05,988 Right? 25 00:01:06,064 --> 00:01:08,157 And if I had a gun with two bullets, 26 00:01:08,233 --> 00:01:10,929 and I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden and Toby, 27 00:01:11,002 --> 00:01:12,833 I would shoot Toby twice. 28 00:01:14,339 --> 00:01:16,000 Okay, all right. You were being really funny 29 00:01:16,074 --> 00:01:17,063 and then you went too far. 30 00:01:17,142 --> 00:01:19,042 I would kill Bin Laden and then Toby. 31 00:01:19,177 --> 00:01:20,667 No. That's still... 32 00:01:20,745 --> 00:01:22,679 Okay, geniuses, how would you do it? 33 00:01:22,747 --> 00:01:26,843 Curve the bullet like in my favorite James McAvoy film Wanted. 34 00:01:27,486 --> 00:01:29,010 All that does is help you shoot around things. 35 00:01:29,087 --> 00:01:30,884 What does Bin Laden... Is there a curtain rod in the room? 36 00:01:30,956 --> 00:01:31,980 I don't know. 37 00:01:32,057 --> 00:01:35,254 How about make-believe land has anything you want? 38 00:01:35,327 --> 00:01:37,386 Stanley, please, this is serious. 39 00:01:37,729 --> 00:01:40,391 Is this the thing where they use an icicle so there's no evidence? 40 00:01:40,465 --> 00:01:42,558 Yes, we should stab Toby through the heart with an icicle. 41 00:01:42,634 --> 00:01:44,465 Come on, the whole two bullet thing is a red herring. 42 00:01:44,536 --> 00:01:46,299 Here's how you do it. You line them all up, 43 00:01:46,371 --> 00:01:48,566 you take one bullet, shoot them all through the throat 44 00:01:48,640 --> 00:01:50,198 at the same time. 45 00:01:50,275 --> 00:01:52,209 Watch this. Phyllis, you're Hitler, come up here. 46 00:01:52,277 --> 00:01:55,542 Toby, you're Toby. Andy, you're Bin Laden. Line up. 47 00:01:55,614 --> 00:01:57,138 - I don't want to do this. - Throats together. 48 00:01:57,215 --> 00:01:58,910 Toby, just do it! Toby, come on. 49 00:01:58,984 --> 00:02:00,008 God. 50 00:02:00,085 --> 00:02:02,076 Ready, one bullet and... 51 00:02:02,521 --> 00:02:03,647 Boom! 52 00:02:07,259 --> 00:02:08,487 Yeah, that works. 53 00:02:09,127 --> 00:02:10,219 It worked! 54 00:02:32,918 --> 00:02:34,044 What flavors did you get? 55 00:02:34,119 --> 00:02:35,609 It's so exciting, Pam. 56 00:02:35,687 --> 00:02:38,679 The Eagles are doing a theme of ice creams in honor of turning 60. 57 00:02:38,757 --> 00:02:42,420 "Despera-Dough, Witchy-Womanilla." Why do they do this? 58 00:02:42,494 --> 00:02:43,586 Do you want me to go back to the store? 59 00:02:43,662 --> 00:02:46,222 No, no, no, it's fine. I was just commenting. 60 00:02:46,531 --> 00:02:48,465 We got to get these out, open them up. Okay. 61 00:02:48,533 --> 00:02:51,161 This is all for Michael. Turns out his girlfriend was married. 62 00:02:51,770 --> 00:02:53,431 Yeah, and when Michael gets a broken heart, 63 00:02:53,505 --> 00:02:54,938 this whole place comes to a halt, 64 00:02:55,006 --> 00:02:57,270 so, we're just trying to get out in front of this. 65 00:02:57,542 --> 00:03:00,705 After his last breakup, he ate 40,000 calories in three hours. 66 00:03:00,779 --> 00:03:02,747 Right, Pam? That's what Pam told me. 67 00:03:03,415 --> 00:03:04,473 Yeah. 68 00:03:04,549 --> 00:03:06,176 Or, no, well, I don't know. 69 00:03:06,251 --> 00:03:08,879 I'm sorry. I was up all night with Cece. 70 00:03:08,954 --> 00:03:10,717 Otherwise I'd be running this. 71 00:03:10,789 --> 00:03:11,983 That's okay. 72 00:03:12,057 --> 00:03:14,355 You probably shouldn't keep a baby up that late. 73 00:03:15,360 --> 00:03:16,884 We have Mr. Bean playing in the conference room, 74 00:03:17,062 --> 00:03:18,427 and the Pink Panther movie in his office. 75 00:03:18,496 --> 00:03:19,929 With half hour shifts to watch with him. 76 00:03:19,998 --> 00:03:21,829 And we need bodies in both these rooms, people. 77 00:03:21,900 --> 00:03:22,889 So, please sign up. 78 00:03:23,101 --> 00:03:24,329 He's coming. - Oh. Okay. 79 00:03:24,402 --> 00:03:26,302 Everyone, remember when he gets like this, 80 00:03:26,371 --> 00:03:28,236 he will wallow if you empathize. 81 00:03:28,306 --> 00:03:29,568 Keep conversations light. 82 00:03:29,641 --> 00:03:31,700 And if you get stuck and you don't know what to do, 83 00:03:31,776 --> 00:03:33,209 make a random sound effect. 84 00:03:33,278 --> 00:03:34,939 Okay, farting noise, whatever. Okay. 85 00:03:35,747 --> 00:03:37,305 Hey, everyone. No, out. 86 00:03:37,382 --> 00:03:38,610 Get out, right now. Leave now. 87 00:03:38,683 --> 00:03:39,980 Get out. Right now. 88 00:03:40,051 --> 00:03:41,279 Please, please! 89 00:03:42,220 --> 00:03:44,154 And if he makes a joke, just laugh it up 90 00:03:44,222 --> 00:03:45,951 no matter what, okay? 91 00:03:49,094 --> 00:03:50,959 Morning, everyone. - Hey! 92 00:03:51,029 --> 00:03:52,087 Hey! 93 00:03:52,163 --> 00:03:53,187 Hey! 94 00:03:53,264 --> 00:03:54,390 Hello. 95 00:03:54,466 --> 00:03:56,525 Michael, nice tie or something. 96 00:03:56,801 --> 00:03:58,962 Thank you. It's reversible, I think. 97 00:04:00,905 --> 00:04:02,202 That's hilarious. PAM: That's awesome. 98 00:04:02,273 --> 00:04:03,365 You want some ice cream? 99 00:04:03,608 --> 00:04:06,736 Oh! Wow. Are those Eagles flavors? 100 00:04:07,345 --> 00:04:09,245 "Cake It To The Limit," that's my favorite. 101 00:04:09,314 --> 00:04:11,680 I love that. Too much for me to have by myself. 102 00:04:11,750 --> 00:04:13,047 Anybody want to share? 103 00:04:17,122 --> 00:04:21,422 Okay, well... That's random. I will dig into those later. 104 00:04:23,261 --> 00:04:25,195 I don't follow this exactly. 105 00:04:25,263 --> 00:04:26,821 "The descendents of any replicants 106 00:04:26,898 --> 00:04:28,126 "from this union shall have..." 107 00:04:28,199 --> 00:04:29,223 Joint custody. Joint custody. 108 00:04:30,835 --> 00:04:32,632 Are we talking about your grandchildren? 109 00:04:32,704 --> 00:04:33,728 No. No. 110 00:04:33,905 --> 00:04:35,372 Rather than spend all day in court, 111 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,500 we have decided to settle our dispute using a mediator. 112 00:04:38,943 --> 00:04:42,003 It was an option spelled out in our child-rearing contract. 113 00:04:42,080 --> 00:04:43,138 Alleged contract. 114 00:04:43,214 --> 00:04:44,238 Alleged? 115 00:04:44,315 --> 00:04:46,545 I'm going to own your farm by the time this is over. 116 00:04:46,651 --> 00:04:50,246 Pfft. Yeah, just try. I will do legal jujitsu on you. 117 00:04:50,321 --> 00:04:51,345 Yeah. 118 00:04:52,590 --> 00:04:55,616 See, don't even need to make contact. The law will do it. 119 00:04:56,394 --> 00:04:58,453 So much of this is just impossible to verify. 120 00:04:58,530 --> 00:05:01,829 Item five, point B, the beet juice cleanse. 121 00:05:01,900 --> 00:05:04,767 I'm doing it. You know I am. It's disgusting. 122 00:05:04,836 --> 00:05:06,565 How do we know this? I'd like to see a stool sample. 123 00:05:06,638 --> 00:05:08,435 Dwight, look at my teeth. 124 00:05:09,507 --> 00:05:10,565 Ugh! 125 00:05:10,775 --> 00:05:12,402 No secret crying. 126 00:05:12,610 --> 00:05:14,976 Hasn't even opened the tissue box in there. 127 00:05:15,413 --> 00:05:16,903 Could he still be seeing her? 128 00:05:17,048 --> 00:05:18,572 I don't think he'd do that. 129 00:05:19,050 --> 00:05:20,449 So, we're gonna say the most likely scenario 130 00:05:20,518 --> 00:05:22,452 is that Michael matured overnight? 131 00:05:22,520 --> 00:05:24,988 It happened to Tom Hanks in Big. 132 00:05:25,223 --> 00:05:27,919 Exactly. It happened in Big. 133 00:05:29,427 --> 00:05:31,088 No, I gotta go. Text me later. 134 00:05:31,463 --> 00:05:33,260 I'm really too tired to do this. Me, too. 135 00:05:33,331 --> 00:05:34,992 Then let's just not do this. 136 00:05:35,066 --> 00:05:37,432 Do you have any idea of the risks involved? 137 00:05:38,737 --> 00:05:39,829 Hey, Michael. Hey. 138 00:05:39,904 --> 00:05:42,372 We were wondering if you'd like to have dinner with us tonight 139 00:05:42,440 --> 00:05:44,374 in our home and play with our baby? 140 00:05:44,442 --> 00:05:46,034 We could order in from Hooters. 141 00:05:46,244 --> 00:05:47,609 Hooters to go, nice. 142 00:05:47,779 --> 00:05:49,246 We can watch a movie and play Rock Band. 143 00:05:49,314 --> 00:05:50,406 Billy Joel Rock Band. 144 00:05:50,515 --> 00:05:51,607 That exists? 145 00:05:51,683 --> 00:05:52,741 Yes. 146 00:05:53,818 --> 00:05:56,548 Okay, well, I'll have to take a rain check, but thanks for the offer. 147 00:05:57,288 --> 00:05:59,586 Michael Scott, are you still seeing Donna? 148 00:06:01,159 --> 00:06:03,218 Okay, Pam, 149 00:06:03,661 --> 00:06:06,289 she's not invisible, so stop asking silly questions. 150 00:06:06,364 --> 00:06:07,456 Michael. 151 00:06:07,532 --> 00:06:09,124 Since when is this an office 152 00:06:09,200 --> 00:06:11,760 where we delve into each other's personal lives? 153 00:06:11,836 --> 00:06:13,326 I like Donna. 154 00:06:15,206 --> 00:06:17,800 Is it wrong to keep seeing her? 155 00:06:17,876 --> 00:06:20,538 Depends on who you ask. I mean, if you ask her husband 156 00:06:21,846 --> 00:06:24,747 or you took a random poll, yeah, it's wrong. 157 00:06:24,883 --> 00:06:26,350 That is something I would never do. 158 00:06:26,417 --> 00:06:28,749 Well, I think we all know what you're capable of, Meredith. 159 00:06:28,820 --> 00:06:32,221 Hey, I have never cheated on, been cheated on or been used to cheat with. 160 00:06:32,323 --> 00:06:37,625 I ask everyone in the room, "Are you in a relationship?" 161 00:06:39,264 --> 00:06:40,424 People, this is Scranton 162 00:06:40,498 --> 00:06:41,829 and many people consider that to be 163 00:06:41,900 --> 00:06:44,130 the Paris of northeastern Pennsylvania. 164 00:06:44,202 --> 00:06:47,069 And in Paris, it is rude for a woman to have less than four lovers. 165 00:06:47,472 --> 00:06:49,337 Ugh! Ryan, I do not want you hanging out with Michael anymore. 166 00:06:49,440 --> 00:06:50,532 Okay. 167 00:06:50,608 --> 00:06:53,236 Okay, I will have you know that I asked Donna about this 168 00:06:53,311 --> 00:06:54,573 and she is fine with it. 169 00:06:54,646 --> 00:06:57,274 And just to be sure, I asked her again afterward, same answer. 170 00:06:57,382 --> 00:06:58,644 How does he feel about it? 171 00:06:58,716 --> 00:07:00,513 He is never gonna find out. 172 00:07:00,585 --> 00:07:02,280 He is a high school baseball coach, 173 00:07:02,353 --> 00:07:04,719 he wakes up early, he goes to bed early. 174 00:07:06,457 --> 00:07:08,391 Look at how long it took for him to find out. 175 00:07:08,459 --> 00:07:10,791 It was right under his nose. I had to tell him. 176 00:07:10,862 --> 00:07:12,329 Okay, now you're just being hurtful. 177 00:07:12,397 --> 00:07:13,694 I'm sorry. 178 00:07:13,932 --> 00:07:16,992 Why is it okay for Stanley to cheat? Or for Phyllis to cheat? 179 00:07:17,268 --> 00:07:18,326 Hey. 180 00:07:18,403 --> 00:07:19,461 On her diet. 181 00:07:19,737 --> 00:07:22,137 He's a sports guy. He's scummy. 182 00:07:22,373 --> 00:07:24,307 Dog fighting, drugs, they spit. 183 00:07:24,475 --> 00:07:25,908 Did Donna tell you that? 184 00:07:26,778 --> 00:07:28,609 Real Sports with Bryant Gumball. 185 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:31,114 So, you're just making a giant assumption. You don't even know the guy. 186 00:07:31,182 --> 00:07:32,547 You know what? You know what? 187 00:07:32,617 --> 00:07:35,643 I am declaring a moment of silence right now. 188 00:07:35,720 --> 00:07:38,518 Ten minutes of silence honoring Michael Jackson. 189 00:07:38,590 --> 00:07:41,457 Just sit there and think about Michael Jackson. 190 00:07:42,460 --> 00:07:44,485 My name's Andy Bernard and I am a cuckold. 191 00:07:44,562 --> 00:07:46,325 For those of you unfamiliar with William Shakespeare, 192 00:07:46,397 --> 00:07:48,888 a cuckold is a man whose woman is cheating on him. 193 00:07:49,634 --> 00:07:50,931 I've lived the part. 194 00:07:52,070 --> 00:07:56,063 And let me tell you, I would so much rather play the part on stage. 195 00:07:57,842 --> 00:08:01,243 So, here's the thing about infidelity. 196 00:08:01,312 --> 00:08:02,404 No, no. 197 00:08:02,480 --> 00:08:04,971 When are you people going to stop casting the first stone? 198 00:08:05,617 --> 00:08:07,778 I am not in the wrong here. I am the good guy. 199 00:08:08,419 --> 00:08:09,750 How does that work? 200 00:08:10,388 --> 00:08:13,824 Do you think this husband is a super sweet, nice guy? 201 00:08:13,892 --> 00:08:16,292 Do you think he's an angel? I don't think so. 202 00:08:16,361 --> 00:08:20,889 Why is his wife going off and having a little something-something with me? 203 00:08:21,432 --> 00:08:24,629 There has to be a problem with him. 204 00:08:24,869 --> 00:08:28,703 In any cheating movie, the person getting cheated on is the hero. 205 00:08:29,073 --> 00:08:31,200 You're Ali Larter, I'm Beyoncé. 206 00:08:31,442 --> 00:08:32,534 I am Beyoncé always. 207 00:08:32,610 --> 00:08:34,339 Not this time. Yes, I am. 208 00:08:34,946 --> 00:08:37,437 This guy's a high school baseball coach, right? 209 00:08:37,515 --> 00:08:39,312 Let's go check him out, see what a horrible person he is. 210 00:08:39,450 --> 00:08:41,077 I would love that. Yeah. 211 00:08:41,152 --> 00:08:43,450 Those teams have games and practices every day. Let's go check it out. 212 00:08:43,855 --> 00:08:45,117 I have work to do. 213 00:08:45,189 --> 00:08:46,816 Really? I thought you were the boss. 214 00:08:48,693 --> 00:08:49,682 Let's go. 215 00:08:50,862 --> 00:08:53,797 I can't wait to see this jerk who is making me cheat on his wife. 216 00:08:53,865 --> 00:08:55,025 I should punch him in the nose 217 00:08:55,099 --> 00:08:56,430 for what he's making me do to her. 218 00:09:05,443 --> 00:09:06,774 All right, Andy, please. 219 00:09:06,911 --> 00:09:08,242 Baseball! Shh! 220 00:09:08,780 --> 00:09:11,214 Try not to draw attention, please. 221 00:09:12,717 --> 00:09:13,741 That's him. That's him. 222 00:09:14,285 --> 00:09:15,445 Where? Right there. 223 00:09:15,687 --> 00:09:16,711 The coach. 224 00:09:16,788 --> 00:09:18,050 Stage right or stage left? 225 00:09:18,122 --> 00:09:19,749 I played batboy in Damn Yankees. 226 00:09:19,824 --> 00:09:22,987 Right there. Look, look. Follow my finger, okay? See? 227 00:09:23,294 --> 00:09:24,989 The grownup by the base. 228 00:09:25,063 --> 00:09:28,555 And now coaching third base with two arms, two legs 229 00:09:28,633 --> 00:09:30,794 and a heart capable of feeling pain... 230 00:09:30,868 --> 00:09:32,836 All right. Can you just... Is number... 231 00:09:32,904 --> 00:09:35,134 Can you just act normal for a second, please? 232 00:09:35,206 --> 00:09:37,470 Whatever. I'm the one blending in. 233 00:09:46,484 --> 00:09:48,247 Guys? Pam? 234 00:09:48,820 --> 00:09:50,344 Hey. Oh! Hi, Gabe. 235 00:09:50,655 --> 00:09:53,749 Can you two please join me in my office? Now. 236 00:09:58,963 --> 00:10:00,396 You were supposed to be the lookout. 237 00:10:00,465 --> 00:10:03,434 Yeah, well, it's really warm in here. It's like a sleeping bag. 238 00:10:03,835 --> 00:10:06,326 I don't want to be the heavy here, but honestly, guys, 239 00:10:06,404 --> 00:10:07,871 this makes us all look bad. 240 00:10:08,139 --> 00:10:10,073 Sorry about that. So embarrassing. 241 00:10:11,576 --> 00:10:14,602 Good, okay, end of the dressing down. 242 00:10:15,013 --> 00:10:18,244 I just hate that part of the job, you know? The power dynamic. 243 00:10:18,816 --> 00:10:20,374 Well, you were surprisingly restrained. 244 00:10:20,451 --> 00:10:22,009 We will be well rested tomorrow. 245 00:10:22,120 --> 00:10:23,109 Okay. That's great, actually, 246 00:10:23,187 --> 00:10:25,052 because I wanted to talk to you about something else. 247 00:10:25,456 --> 00:10:26,787 Excellent. Go for it. 248 00:10:26,858 --> 00:10:28,826 I'm sure you got my e-mail about the printer fires, 249 00:10:28,893 --> 00:10:30,952 the one with the branching decision tree. 250 00:10:31,029 --> 00:10:32,656 I actually designed that chart. 251 00:10:32,730 --> 00:10:34,425 Kind of hoping it catches on. 252 00:10:34,499 --> 00:10:36,364 Anyway, the question is, 253 00:10:36,434 --> 00:10:39,232 what is the best way to disseminate important information 254 00:10:39,303 --> 00:10:40,600 in an efficient way? 255 00:10:40,972 --> 00:10:44,203 Right. So let's... 256 00:10:44,442 --> 00:10:46,239 Finally, there's a provision here in the occurrence 257 00:10:46,310 --> 00:10:48,073 that the child is born an old man, 258 00:10:48,146 --> 00:10:49,170 a la Benjamin Button. 259 00:10:49,247 --> 00:10:51,044 Same page. Go to the next one. Same page. We're fine there. 260 00:10:51,115 --> 00:10:52,480 Just keep moving. 261 00:10:52,550 --> 00:10:54,142 Despite the provision covering 262 00:10:54,218 --> 00:10:55,776 whether this is all part of The Matrix... 263 00:10:55,953 --> 00:10:57,318 Which we can't know... 264 00:10:57,655 --> 00:10:58,713 ...this is essentially... 265 00:10:58,790 --> 00:10:59,779 ...unless we're unplugged... 266 00:11:00,558 --> 00:11:02,856 ...equivalent to a donor or surrogate contract... 267 00:11:03,094 --> 00:11:04,493 ...and wake up in the future. 268 00:11:04,629 --> 00:11:06,563 ...which is actually pretty common. 269 00:11:06,631 --> 00:11:09,930 So, I have to tell you that this is a solid contract. 270 00:11:11,369 --> 00:11:12,529 What? 271 00:11:12,603 --> 00:11:15,504 Look, I can't enforce that anybody have a child with anyone else. 272 00:11:15,740 --> 00:11:16,729 What? 273 00:11:16,808 --> 00:11:19,402 So essentially this comes down to damages. 274 00:11:19,777 --> 00:11:23,178 Now, there is some precedence for the range of $30,000. 275 00:11:23,581 --> 00:11:24,673 What? 276 00:11:24,782 --> 00:11:27,376 I don't have $30,000 lying around. 277 00:11:27,452 --> 00:11:28,817 I have it buried very deeply, 278 00:11:28,886 --> 00:11:31,719 and I don't want to dig past a certain someone to get it. 279 00:11:32,790 --> 00:11:35,281 Chase Dixon is up, could be a big play. 280 00:11:35,359 --> 00:11:36,485 You have no idea what you're talking about. 281 00:11:36,561 --> 00:11:37,858 I know it's like cricket. 282 00:11:37,929 --> 00:11:39,157 No. No. 283 00:11:39,230 --> 00:11:41,198 Well, home plate is like a wicket. 284 00:11:41,265 --> 00:11:43,460 You don't know, you don't know anything. 285 00:11:43,734 --> 00:11:46,100 Look at him. Look at him over there. 286 00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:49,071 High fiving? He didn't even do anything. 287 00:11:49,140 --> 00:11:50,767 The kid did all the work. 288 00:11:50,975 --> 00:11:51,999 I bet he does that at home. 289 00:11:52,076 --> 00:11:55,443 I bet it's like, "Hey, Donna, why don't you wash the dishes? 290 00:11:55,513 --> 00:11:57,003 "High five, Donna." 291 00:11:57,081 --> 00:12:00,915 "Hey, why don't you bring me my slippers? High five. I'm taking all the credit." 292 00:12:00,985 --> 00:12:02,748 He seems pretty well liked by the team. 293 00:12:02,820 --> 00:12:06,153 Okay, well, that's because he's paying their salary. 294 00:12:07,258 --> 00:12:09,419 You do know that high school coaches don't pay their players. 295 00:12:09,494 --> 00:12:11,428 I know. I know. I know. 296 00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:13,561 That was a euphemism. 297 00:12:13,698 --> 00:12:15,893 $30,000? There's got to be another way. 298 00:12:16,033 --> 00:12:19,002 He has a 60-acre beet farm that is worth a small fortune. 299 00:12:19,170 --> 00:12:20,728 Look, I will not pay. 300 00:12:21,139 --> 00:12:23,630 Well, I have an alternative. 301 00:12:24,609 --> 00:12:26,975 "Intercourse to completion five individual times 302 00:12:27,044 --> 00:12:28,272 "rendered at my discretion." 303 00:12:28,346 --> 00:12:29,813 Look, I don't think that's actually legal. 304 00:12:29,914 --> 00:12:31,176 Agreed. 305 00:12:33,217 --> 00:12:37,085 Five times for $30,000? Not a bad stud fee. 306 00:12:37,155 --> 00:12:38,884 Better than most horses. 307 00:12:39,223 --> 00:12:40,815 But not on your bed. It's lumpy. 308 00:12:40,892 --> 00:12:42,985 Those lumps are cats, and those cats have names, 309 00:12:43,060 --> 00:12:45,824 and those names are Amber, Milky Way, Dianne and Lumpy. 310 00:12:46,297 --> 00:12:47,628 Fine, five times. 311 00:12:47,698 --> 00:12:49,757 Look, I can't legally watch this unfold. 312 00:12:49,834 --> 00:12:51,961 It's coming a little dangerously close to prostitution. 313 00:12:52,270 --> 00:12:53,498 I want eye contact. 314 00:12:53,571 --> 00:12:54,663 No. Yes. 315 00:12:54,739 --> 00:12:56,604 Do you understand how rare that is in nature? 316 00:12:56,674 --> 00:12:58,107 I'm not some farm animal. 317 00:13:01,812 --> 00:13:03,404 Great game, Coach. Shh. 318 00:13:03,481 --> 00:13:05,210 Okay, all right, don't, don't, don't. 319 00:13:05,583 --> 00:13:08,916 You guys are awesome. Best game I've ever seen in my life. 320 00:13:09,120 --> 00:13:11,054 Yeah, right. You must be rooting for the other guys. 321 00:13:11,122 --> 00:13:12,919 Ha! The other guys can go die. 322 00:13:12,990 --> 00:13:13,979 Okay. Baseball! 323 00:13:14,058 --> 00:13:15,082 Go talk to him. 324 00:13:15,159 --> 00:13:16,592 No, God, you go talk to him. 325 00:13:17,495 --> 00:13:20,293 Shane, great game, man. 326 00:13:21,632 --> 00:13:22,690 Do I know you? 327 00:13:22,767 --> 00:13:23,791 No, just big fans. 328 00:13:24,068 --> 00:13:25,399 Both of us. 329 00:13:25,570 --> 00:13:27,663 Are you somebody's parents? 330 00:13:27,738 --> 00:13:31,105 Are you guys Kenny's dads? 331 00:13:31,676 --> 00:13:34,645 No, no, but we're gay for baseball. 332 00:13:35,413 --> 00:13:37,176 Okay. But I have a wife, actually, 333 00:13:37,248 --> 00:13:38,977 who I really love a lot. Yeah. 334 00:13:39,050 --> 00:13:40,210 Okay. 335 00:13:40,284 --> 00:13:41,308 Let's go! 336 00:13:41,385 --> 00:13:43,182 I am so into the institution of marriage. 337 00:13:43,321 --> 00:13:45,619 Isn't marriage the best, you know? 338 00:13:45,823 --> 00:13:47,347 Two good people finding each other, 339 00:13:47,425 --> 00:13:49,416 getting all committed to each other. 340 00:13:50,895 --> 00:13:52,556 You love baseball, what else do you love? 341 00:13:52,697 --> 00:13:54,358 Let's round you out as a person. 342 00:13:54,498 --> 00:13:57,228 Hey, I'm really sorry, I'm just trying to focus here on the game. 343 00:13:57,301 --> 00:14:00,202 I get it, man. I love it. That's what makes you a good coach. 344 00:14:00,705 --> 00:14:03,538 You know, but as a fan, it just helps me enjoy the game better 345 00:14:03,608 --> 00:14:06,099 if I know the coach loves his wife. 346 00:14:06,510 --> 00:14:09,104 Of course. Okay, I've got to get back to this. 347 00:14:09,180 --> 00:14:10,238 Of course. All right. 348 00:14:10,314 --> 00:14:13,112 But real quick, I want you to meet my associate. Sheldon! 349 00:14:13,184 --> 00:14:14,879 No, no, no. I'm good. - Come on, get over here. 350 00:14:14,952 --> 00:14:16,715 Get over here. Oh, my God. All right. 351 00:14:16,787 --> 00:14:18,914 Sheldon, say hi to the nice coach. 352 00:14:18,990 --> 00:14:20,252 Sorry, I've got some stomach cramps. 353 00:14:20,558 --> 00:14:22,253 It's all right, it's all right, just keep it going. 354 00:14:22,326 --> 00:14:24,351 Well, that was not at all what I expected. 355 00:14:26,764 --> 00:14:27,924 My heart's still racing. 356 00:14:28,165 --> 00:14:30,929 I just looked a man in the eyes and I shook his hand. 357 00:14:31,002 --> 00:14:34,096 All the time I was thinking, "I'm sleeping with your wife." 358 00:14:34,238 --> 00:14:37,230 You know who does that? James freaking Bond. 359 00:14:39,043 --> 00:14:41,409 Okay, orange slices. 360 00:14:41,479 --> 00:14:42,946 There you go. Thanks, Michael. 361 00:14:43,014 --> 00:14:45,676 Don't thank me, thank Dylan's mom. 362 00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:46,910 There you go. 363 00:14:48,486 --> 00:14:49,953 Why would you throw something wet at me? 364 00:14:50,021 --> 00:14:51,113 You love it. 365 00:14:51,188 --> 00:14:52,382 There you go. 366 00:14:53,124 --> 00:14:54,250 Now, were those for the team? 367 00:14:54,725 --> 00:14:57,193 No. They didn't say "team," they just said "Coal Hawks." 368 00:14:57,395 --> 00:14:59,090 I don't think those were yours to take. 369 00:14:59,163 --> 00:15:00,653 Well, then, it wouldn't be the first time 370 00:15:00,731 --> 00:15:02,665 I stole something away from Coach Shane. 371 00:15:03,034 --> 00:15:04,228 I just want to go on record as saying 372 00:15:04,302 --> 00:15:06,532 that I do not condone this affair. 373 00:15:06,604 --> 00:15:08,367 And I even went so far as to force Michael 374 00:15:08,439 --> 00:15:10,566 to confront the victim of his behavior. 375 00:15:11,108 --> 00:15:12,666 Did you talk to him? I did. 376 00:15:12,743 --> 00:15:15,644 You talked to the man whose wife you're having an affair with? 377 00:15:15,713 --> 00:15:17,408 Wow, that is crazy. 378 00:15:17,481 --> 00:15:18,539 Was there a fist fight? 379 00:15:18,616 --> 00:15:21,141 No, we just talked. He's very nice. 380 00:15:21,218 --> 00:15:22,412 And it didn't change your mind? 381 00:15:22,486 --> 00:15:23,578 It did not. 382 00:15:23,688 --> 00:15:24,677 Michael, that's awful. 383 00:15:24,755 --> 00:15:25,744 Isn't it? 384 00:15:25,823 --> 00:15:27,120 Yes. I'm awful, aren't I? 385 00:15:27,191 --> 00:15:28,283 Yeah, that's pretty... 386 00:15:28,359 --> 00:15:29,758 I'm an awful guy. Ooh! 387 00:15:29,827 --> 00:15:31,055 How can you live with yourself? 388 00:15:31,128 --> 00:15:33,028 I am what I am, Oscar. 389 00:15:33,331 --> 00:15:36,823 And I want what I want. And right now I want a piece of cake. 390 00:15:37,368 --> 00:15:41,065 From now on, when I'm hungry, I am going to eat whatever I am hungry for. 391 00:15:41,138 --> 00:15:43,800 That is a dangerous game, friend-o. 392 00:15:44,141 --> 00:15:45,472 Well, because I thought that it was 393 00:15:45,543 --> 00:15:47,101 a book about Anthropologie, the store. 394 00:15:47,178 --> 00:15:49,078 I don't know why you were in that part of the bookstore. 395 00:15:49,146 --> 00:15:50,636 Because it's next to the baby section, okay? 396 00:15:50,715 --> 00:15:53,115 Well, that makes more sense. You should have said that at the beginning, 397 00:15:53,184 --> 00:15:54,845 when you said, "I read a book about anthropology." 398 00:15:54,919 --> 00:15:56,750 I don't even know why you're screaming at me right now. 399 00:15:56,821 --> 00:15:58,083 I'm not screaming. I'm not screaming. 400 00:15:58,522 --> 00:16:00,387 That's Meredith's cake. It's her birthday. 401 00:16:00,458 --> 00:16:01,982 I don't care. 402 00:16:02,059 --> 00:16:04,459 I have an appetite for life. 403 00:16:06,230 --> 00:16:07,424 Mmm. 404 00:16:08,666 --> 00:16:10,531 God, that's lemon. 405 00:16:11,569 --> 00:16:15,232 Good for you, man. Good for you. 406 00:16:19,176 --> 00:16:21,144 He takes what he wants. 407 00:16:23,481 --> 00:16:24,971 You know what? 408 00:16:25,049 --> 00:16:27,779 I think you're attractive and I want to sleep with you. 409 00:16:28,052 --> 00:16:29,110 What about Kelly? 410 00:16:29,687 --> 00:16:31,018 You read my mind. 411 00:16:31,489 --> 00:16:32,649 Is this a joke? 412 00:16:33,324 --> 00:16:34,586 Yep. 413 00:16:37,094 --> 00:16:38,425 It's hard to live that way, man. 414 00:16:38,496 --> 00:16:41,260 You gotta really not care what people think about you, right? 415 00:16:41,766 --> 00:16:44,633 I don't know how you do it, Michael. I can't be that cold. 416 00:16:45,870 --> 00:16:47,565 You'll learn, baby, you'll learn. 417 00:16:54,311 --> 00:16:57,405 I am an honorable man and I will honor the contract. 418 00:16:57,915 --> 00:16:59,712 But I don't have to give her the good stuff. 419 00:17:00,151 --> 00:17:03,552 Schrute sperm are strong, but they're no match for a grown Schrute man. 420 00:17:04,822 --> 00:17:07,120 Let's see what she gets. 421 00:17:12,430 --> 00:17:14,022 Boss, we're out of paper. 422 00:17:14,098 --> 00:17:15,156 Yeah, I noticed that. 423 00:17:15,232 --> 00:17:17,132 Aren't you gonna add any more? Nope. 424 00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,831 He don't give an F about nothing. 425 00:17:20,137 --> 00:17:22,332 I have got big balls. 426 00:17:23,607 --> 00:17:25,097 I don't think I'm gonna make it. 427 00:17:25,176 --> 00:17:26,905 What about an energy drink or something? 428 00:17:27,278 --> 00:17:30,645 It gets in the breast milk. If I drink it, Cece drinks it six hours later. 429 00:17:30,848 --> 00:17:32,076 Well, it doesn't mean I can't drink it. 430 00:17:32,149 --> 00:17:33,514 Well, it does and it doesn't. 431 00:17:34,518 --> 00:17:36,782 I probably shouldn't tell you this, 432 00:17:36,854 --> 00:17:40,551 but a lot guys in the warehouse work multiple jobs, 433 00:17:40,624 --> 00:17:41,682 so we have a place. 434 00:17:42,293 --> 00:17:43,282 A place? 435 00:17:43,360 --> 00:17:44,486 A restful location. 436 00:17:45,129 --> 00:17:47,063 Talk to Glen, he'll take you up in the lift. 437 00:17:47,465 --> 00:17:48,932 You sleep in the warehouse? 438 00:17:49,867 --> 00:17:52,563 Light bulb's burned out, so it's dark. 439 00:17:53,370 --> 00:17:56,498 And the heat from the backup generator keeps it nice and warm. 440 00:17:57,007 --> 00:17:59,942 Sometimes I think about it when I'm trying to fall asleep at home. 441 00:18:01,011 --> 00:18:04,469 But as far as the rest of the office goes, it doesn't exist. Okay? 442 00:18:04,548 --> 00:18:05,810 Okay. Pam? 443 00:18:06,083 --> 00:18:07,243 Okay. 444 00:18:08,886 --> 00:18:09,910 For your signature. 445 00:18:09,987 --> 00:18:11,011 Okay. 446 00:18:16,927 --> 00:18:17,916 Phyllis? 447 00:18:19,997 --> 00:18:21,089 Okay, look at me. 448 00:18:23,434 --> 00:18:27,268 Phyllis, look at... Okay, that's... 449 00:18:28,072 --> 00:18:31,599 All right, all right, you know what? I'm sick of this. 450 00:18:31,675 --> 00:18:34,576 I'm sick of the little disapproving head shakes. 451 00:18:34,645 --> 00:18:37,136 If you think that's going to have any effect on me, 452 00:18:37,214 --> 00:18:38,340 it will not. 453 00:18:38,415 --> 00:18:42,317 I am going to leave right now and go to a motel to meet Donna. 454 00:18:42,720 --> 00:18:43,982 Why not your condo? 455 00:18:44,221 --> 00:18:47,850 Because a motel is dirty, and it is sexy. 456 00:18:48,292 --> 00:18:50,556 Like me and like Donna. 457 00:18:51,061 --> 00:18:54,155 And frankly, the stuff that we're into isn't very condo-appropriate. 458 00:18:54,231 --> 00:18:55,926 Michael, will you drop it? 459 00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:58,798 Everybody's spoken their mind and no one's changing their mind. 460 00:18:58,969 --> 00:19:01,631 Okay, Morgan Freeman narrating everything. 461 00:19:01,705 --> 00:19:03,468 Do you want someone to stop you? Because no one's going to. 462 00:19:03,541 --> 00:19:05,736 Nobody better try to stop me. 463 00:19:07,645 --> 00:19:08,634 Good. 464 00:19:09,813 --> 00:19:11,576 I could have stopped him. 465 00:19:18,722 --> 00:19:20,121 Are you warmed up? No. 466 00:19:20,257 --> 00:19:22,316 God, Angela, why is that always my responsibility? 467 00:19:24,962 --> 00:19:26,156 What did you do to yourself? 468 00:19:26,230 --> 00:19:27,788 Never mind. Just... Never mind. 469 00:19:28,465 --> 00:19:30,433 Well, it better work. DWIGHT: Lt'll work. 470 00:19:31,669 --> 00:19:33,296 Stop kissing me. 471 00:19:33,370 --> 00:19:34,530 It's not in the contract. 472 00:20:13,010 --> 00:20:15,501 How do I feel about breaking up with Donna? 473 00:20:15,879 --> 00:20:19,007 Good. Moral. I feel proud. 474 00:20:19,550 --> 00:20:20,710 Like a grown-up. 475 00:20:21,885 --> 00:20:25,514 That was not easy because I really liked her a lot. 476 00:20:26,090 --> 00:20:27,785 I'm a little bit emotional right now 477 00:20:27,858 --> 00:20:32,454 because I know that I absolutely made the right decision. 478 00:20:32,796 --> 00:20:35,731 At the end of the day, we have to do what's right. 479 00:20:36,200 --> 00:20:38,293 And it was either living with myself 480 00:20:40,104 --> 00:20:42,038 or being happy. 481 00:20:45,275 --> 00:20:46,742 And I picked 482 00:20:47,578 --> 00:20:48,567 the 483 00:20:50,681 --> 00:20:51,670 former. 484 00:20:55,786 --> 00:20:57,617 Michael Scott? Yes? 485 00:20:58,255 --> 00:20:59,950 Do you want to make a comment on the rumors? 486 00:21:00,024 --> 00:21:01,286 Um... 487 00:21:02,660 --> 00:21:04,685 I have done some very bad things. 488 00:21:05,462 --> 00:21:07,362 Things of which I'm not proud. 489 00:21:07,598 --> 00:21:11,227 I would like to publicly apologize 490 00:21:12,169 --> 00:21:13,727 to the coach and the players, 491 00:21:14,371 --> 00:21:17,033 and I vow to never 492 00:21:17,608 --> 00:21:21,704 listen to my bodily instincts ever again. 493 00:21:22,946 --> 00:21:25,278 I'm talking about the Sabre printers that catch on fire. 494 00:21:25,482 --> 00:21:30,010 Oh! Okay, I was talking about... What's going on?