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00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:29,070
Last week,
I gave a fire safety talk,
2
00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:32,782
And nobody paid
any attention.
3
00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,785
It's my own fault
for using PowerPoint.
4
00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:37,329
PowerPoint is boring.
5
00:00:37,954 --> 00:00:40,207
People learn in
lots of different ways,
6
00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:43,210
but experience is
the best teacher.
7
00:00:48,798 --> 00:00:51,593
Today, smoking is
going to save lives.
8
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:13,281
Does anyone
smell anything smoky?
9
00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:15,909
Did you bring
your jerky in again?
10
00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,791
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
11
00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:24,584
Fire!
12
00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:27,170
Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness.
What's the procedure?
13
00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,005
What do we do, people?
The phones are dead.
14
00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,298
Oh. How did that happen?
15
00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:31,424
It's out in the hall.
16
00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:32,467
No. We don't know that.
17
00:01:32,550 --> 00:01:33,927
The smoke could be
coming through an air duct.
18
00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:35,553
Oh, my God!
Okay, it's happening.
19
00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:36,805
Everybody stay calm.
Everybody stay calm!
20
00:01:36,888 --> 00:01:38,223
What's the
procedure, everyone?
21
00:01:38,306 --> 00:01:39,975
What's the procedure?
Stay.. .calm!
22
00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:42,352
Everybody just...calm down!
23
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:44,646
No, no, Michael, no!
Touch the handle.
24
00:01:44,729 --> 00:01:47,691
If it's hot there could
be a fire in the hallway!
25
00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:50,694
What does warm mean? Oh,
my gosh. Try a different door.
26
00:01:50,860 --> 00:01:52,821
Not
a viable option. What next?
27
00:01:52,904 --> 00:01:54,114
- Don't run!
- Try the other door.
28
00:01:54,197 --> 00:01:57,117
Here's a door. Check
that one out. How's the handle?
29
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,119
It's warm. JIM: Okay,
go to the back door.
30
00:01:59,202 --> 00:02:01,121
Well, another option.
Another option.
31
00:02:01,204 --> 00:02:02,747
Jeez! Okay,
settle down, everyone!
32
00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:03,790
I forgot my purse!
33
00:02:03,873 --> 00:02:05,041
Leave it, woman!
34
00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,251
Get out of the way!
Go, go, go, go, go!
35
00:02:06,334 --> 00:02:07,794
Things can be replaced,
Phyllis!
36
00:02:07,877 --> 00:02:10,213
People, human lives,
however...
37
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:15,093
My hand! That's hot!
38
00:02:15,176 --> 00:02:16,678
This one's hot, too.
39
00:02:16,761 --> 00:02:18,722
Okay, we're trapped.
Everyone for himself!
40
00:02:18,805 --> 00:02:21,308
Let's go! Let's go!
Get out of my way!
41
00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,601
Okay. Okay. Okay!
42
00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:24,728
Get out of the way!
43
00:02:24,811 --> 00:02:26,688
Have you ever
seen a burn victim?
44
00:02:26,771 --> 00:02:27,814
Move it!
45
00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:30,233
Okay!
Procedure! Procedure!
46
00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,861
Exit options!
Where do we go, folks?
47
00:02:32,944 --> 00:02:34,696
Use a what to cover
the mouth? It's okay.
48
00:02:34,779 --> 00:02:38,658
A what? A rag,
a damp rag perhaps.
49
00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:41,328
Let's remember those
procedures. What are the options?
50
00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,079
Okay! That's the wrong way.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
51
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:46,041
We've already tried that.
Remember your exit points.
52
00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,459
Exit points, people.
Oscar?
53
00:02:47,542 --> 00:02:48,752
What's next, huh?
Oscar!
54
00:02:48,835 --> 00:02:49,961
Stay alive, I'm getting help!
55
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:51,046
Pull me up!
56
00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,130
You're too heavy.
57
00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:53,381
I only weigh 82 pounds.
58
00:02:54,549 --> 00:02:55,925
Save Bandit!
59
00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,598
How about 911? Anyone? 9117
60
00:03:12,233 --> 00:03:13,360
What do we do?
61
00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,487
Use the surge of
fear and adrenaline
62
00:03:15,570 --> 00:03:16,988
to sharpen
your decision making.
63
00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,574
Okay, I am not
dying here. Come on.
64
00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:24,287
What is that?
What is that?
65
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:26,706
The fire's shooting at us!
66
00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:29,667
What in the name of God
is going on?
67
00:03:31,586 --> 00:03:33,171
I'm trying to...
68
00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:46,393
Help! Help!
69
00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,144
Oh, my God!
70
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:56,694
Attention!
Employees of Dunder Mifflin!
71
00:03:56,778 --> 00:04:00,198
This has been a test of our
emergency preparedness.
72
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:02,492
There's no fire.
It was only a simulation.
73
00:04:02,575 --> 00:04:03,576
What?
74
00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:07,330
Fire not real. This was
merely a training exercise.
75
00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,458
So what have we learned?
76
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,502
Oh, come on.
It's not real, Stanley.
77
00:04:12,585 --> 00:04:13,586
Oh, my God.
78
00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,712
Don't have
a heart attack.
79
00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,256
No, no, no, no,
you will not die!
80
00:04:16,339 --> 00:04:19,676
Stanley! Stanley!
You will not die! Stanley!
81
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:21,928
Stanley! Barack is President!
82
00:04:22,011 --> 00:04:24,472
You are black, Stanley! I'm
gonna give him mouth-to-mouth.
83
00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,224
No, no, no. Don't give
him mouth-to-mouth for this.
84
00:04:26,307 --> 00:04:27,517
He just swallowed
his tongue.
85
00:04:27,600 --> 00:04:30,895
Michael! Michael! Open
your mouth. Don't swallow it!
86
00:04:31,187 --> 00:04:35,483
I'm fine! Leave
me... I'm saving him!
87
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,226
How could you possibly
think this is a good idea?
88
00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,687
A lot of ideas were not
appreciated in their time.
89
00:05:12,770 --> 00:05:14,022
Electricity.
Shampoo.
90
00:05:14,105 --> 00:05:16,107
You could have burned down
the whole building.
91
00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:18,902
I just want to say, for the
record, I did not kill anyone.
92
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:20,945
Stanley was attacked
by his own heart.
93
00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,947
And he should be
released from the hospital
94
00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:24,407
and back in the office
in a couple days.
95
00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:27,660
Did you shout “fire,"
causing a panic?
96
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:30,747
Yes, I shouted "fire."
I shouted many things.
97
00:05:30,830 --> 00:05:33,666
I also shouted instructions on
how to get out of the building.
98
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,336
So you can imagine my
frustration, as safety officer,
99
00:05:36,419 --> 00:05:38,588
when nobody would heed of...
100
00:05:38,671 --> 00:05:40,590
Heeded... Heeded of...
"Head." "Head."
101
00:05:40,673 --> 00:05:41,841
When no one headed...
"Take headed of."
102
00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:44,511
No one would take
headed of my instructions.
103
00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:46,179
So you...
"Heed." "Heed."
104
00:05:46,262 --> 00:05:47,263
"Take heed of."
"Take heed of."
105
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,850
And I don't see my co-workers
heeding this right now.
106
00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,313
Wait, what?
107
00:05:55,396 --> 00:05:56,523
Okay.
108
00:06:08,159 --> 00:06:09,911
The city.
109
00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,122
Dwight.
110
00:06:15,166 --> 00:06:16,918
We are not mad,
we are just disappointed.
111
00:06:17,001 --> 00:06:18,336
No, we are mad.
112
00:06:18,419 --> 00:06:21,214
Yes, we are.
We are livid.
113
00:06:21,297 --> 00:06:23,216
But we are going to
let this one slide.
114
00:06:23,299 --> 00:06:24,592
Thank you.
No, we're not.
115
00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:26,928
I am not
a mind reader, David.
116
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:31,849
Look, this is
a very serious offense.
117
00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:33,268
We have cause to fire you.
118
00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,436
Can you shove down?
119
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,898
Instead...
Shove down, please.
120
00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:41,234
Instead what I think
we should do is
121
00:06:41,317 --> 00:06:43,945
strip you of your
title as safety officer.
122
00:06:44,028 --> 00:06:46,239
And we should take
a part of his pay
123
00:06:46,322 --> 00:06:48,741
and donate it to the
charity of your choice.
124
00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:49,993
Something that
Dwight doesn't like.
125
00:06:50,076 --> 00:06:51,077
PETA.
126
00:06:51,160 --> 00:06:54,372
Michael, you have to
take responsibility here.
127
00:06:54,455 --> 00:06:56,791
One of your employees
had a heart attack.
128
00:06:56,874 --> 00:06:58,459
He could have died
because of the way
129
00:06:58,543 --> 00:06:59,961
you're allowing
your office to run.
130
00:07:00,044 --> 00:07:01,754
Do you want that
on your conscience?
131
00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:03,214
Do you?
132
00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:04,757
Michael?
Are you talking to me?
133
00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,551
Yeah.
134
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:07,719
What?
135
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:13,016
Well, I guess we papered
over that pretty nicely.
136
00:07:14,350 --> 00:07:16,728
Always amuses me when corporate
thinks they can make some big change
137
00:07:16,811 --> 00:07:19,981
with a 20-minute meeting
in some fancy high rise.
138
00:07:20,898 --> 00:07:23,359
What's the matter?
Are you hungry?
139
00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,154
No, Dwight,
I am worried.
140
00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,781
A man's life is
in my hands.
141
00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,325
Now don't you
worry about that.
142
00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:32,368
I got it covered. Okay?
143
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,705
I am planning a bomb scare that
should really get the blood pumping.
144
00:07:35,788 --> 00:07:37,373
That's not going to happen.
145
00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,792
I'm taking over
as safety man.
146
00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,419
What? You?
Yes.
147
00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:42,879
Come on.
I'm a smart guy.
148
00:07:42,920 --> 00:07:45,840
That's preposterous.
I'll figure it out. No. I will.
149
00:07:47,216 --> 00:07:49,969
Nobody should have to
go to work thinking,
150
00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:53,139
"Oh, this is the place
that I might die today."
151
00:07:53,681 --> 00:07:56,059
That's what a hospital's for.
152
00:07:56,142 --> 00:07:59,604
An office is for not dying.
153
00:08:00,813 --> 00:08:07,236
An office is a place to live life
to the fullest, to the max. To...
154
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:13,076
An office is a place
where dreams come true.
155
00:08:15,995 --> 00:08:18,915
Don't excite him.
Don't make him excitable.
156
00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:23,878
Welcome back, Stanley.
157
00:08:23,961 --> 00:08:25,588
Thank you, Michael.
158
00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,257
It's true, around
this office in the past
159
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,468
I have been a little
abrupt with people.
160
00:08:30,551 --> 00:08:31,969
Not maybe, yes or no.
161
00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:33,012
No way. Uh-uh.
162
00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,472
Are you from another planet?
163
00:08:34,555 --> 00:08:35,682
Boy, have you
lost your mind?
164
00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:36,974
Because I'll
help you find it!
165
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,059
Did I stutter?
166
00:08:38,142 --> 00:08:39,894
I'm done. Goodbye.
167
00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,357
But the doctor said
if I can't find a new way
168
00:08:44,440 --> 00:08:48,236
to relate more positively to my
surroundings, I'm going to die.
169
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:49,737
Andy.
170
00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:52,198
A throne for your highness.
171
00:08:53,032 --> 00:08:54,492
I'm not sitting
in a wheelchair.
172
00:08:54,575 --> 00:08:55,660
No, no, no.
No debate.
173
00:08:55,743 --> 00:08:57,036
You are going to
sit in that wheelchair
174
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,788
until you are
back on your feet.
175
00:09:00,039 --> 00:09:01,332
I'm going to die.
176
00:09:03,167 --> 00:09:04,877
ABC, okay?
177
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:08,172
And that stands for "Airway,
Breathing and Circulation."
178
00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:10,216
Okay. You know what? That
could be a little confusing,
179
00:09:10,299 --> 00:09:12,927
because in sales ABC
means "Always Be Closing."
180
00:09:13,010 --> 00:09:15,096
This is a farce. I should
be teaching this course.
181
00:09:15,179 --> 00:09:16,222
Shut it. Shut it.
182
00:09:16,305 --> 00:09:20,226
We found ourselves on the
less prepared side of things
183
00:09:20,309 --> 00:09:21,894
when Stanley had his...
184
00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,604
When his heart went berserk.
185
00:09:24,021 --> 00:09:25,565
And I knew
exactly what to do.
186
00:09:25,648 --> 00:09:29,485
But in a much more real sense,
I had no idea what to do.
187
00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,572
So I thought we should have
a CPR training class.
188
00:09:32,655 --> 00:09:36,284
And of course you can't
get the practice dummy
189
00:09:36,367 --> 00:09:38,745
unless the instructor
comes along with it.
190
00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,122
Red Cross and their racket.
191
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,251
I can't keep
doing this forever.
192
00:09:45,334 --> 00:09:46,961
It's been 20 seconds.
193
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,631
Call it.
194
00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:52,008
Would you like to try next?
195
00:09:52,091 --> 00:09:53,968
Absolutely I would not.
196
00:09:54,051 --> 00:09:56,345
You know who I
really think should go?
197
00:09:56,804 --> 00:09:58,222
Stanley.
198
00:09:58,306 --> 00:09:59,599
Oh, I don't know.
199
00:09:59,682 --> 00:10:02,393
It's not a good idea,
Michael. He needs to rest.
200
00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,270
No rest for the sick.
201
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:10,026
We are not always
going to be there
202
00:10:10,109 --> 00:10:15,114
to coddle your heart back
when it disappears to be working.
203
00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:17,784
What are you going to do if you're
by yourself and your heart stops?
204
00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,243
I would die.
205
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:20,620
And you're
okay with that?
206
00:10:20,703 --> 00:10:22,455
I'm okay with
the logic of it.
207
00:10:22,538 --> 00:10:25,625
Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come
on. Get up. Let's do this.
208
00:10:25,708 --> 00:10:27,460
Yes,
I had a heart attack.
209
00:10:27,543 --> 00:10:30,463
I would quit, but I'm too
old to find another job.
210
00:10:30,546 --> 00:10:32,632
And I don't have
enough saved to retire.
211
00:10:32,715 --> 00:10:35,551
I feel like I'm
working in my own casket.
212
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:38,054
Come on, Stanley!
You're losing you!
213
00:10:38,137 --> 00:10:39,972
You're losing you! Do it!
214
00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:41,974
Michael. MICHAEL: This
is you we're talking about.
215
00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,059
Michael.
216
00:10:43,142 --> 00:10:45,269
Okay, okay, I'll show
them. Here we go.
217
00:10:47,396 --> 00:10:49,690
All right. ROSE: So
assessing the situation.
218
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,359
Are they breathing?
219
00:10:51,442 --> 00:10:54,403
No, Rose.
They are not breathing.
220
00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:57,198
And they have no arms or legs.
221
00:10:57,281 --> 00:10:58,407
No, that's not part of it.
222
00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,575
Where are they?
223
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,953
You know what?
If we come across somebody
224
00:11:02,036 --> 00:11:05,998
with no arms or legs, do
we bother resuscitating them?
225
00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:08,417
I mean, what kind of quality
of life do we have there?
226
00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,211
I would want to
live with no legs.
227
00:11:10,294 --> 00:11:11,963
How about no arms?
228
00:11:12,046 --> 00:11:14,674
No arms or legs is basically
how you exist right now, Kevin.
229
00:11:14,757 --> 00:11:16,008
You don't do anything.
230
00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:19,637
All right. Well, let's get
back to it, because you're losing him.
231
00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,013
Okay, too fast.
232
00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:23,891
Everyone, we need to pump at
a pace of 100 beats per minute.
233
00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:27,436
Okay. That's hard to keep
track. How many is that per hour?
234
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,563
How is that
going to help you?
235
00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,023
I will divide and
then count to it. Right.
236
00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,483
Okay, well, a good trick
237
00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:35,319
is to pump to the tune of
Staying Alive by the Bee Gees.
238
00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,362
Do you know that song?
239
00:11:36,445 --> 00:11:38,781
Yes, yes. I do.
I love that song.
240
00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,826
First I was
afraid, I was petrified
241
00:11:41,909 --> 00:11:43,452
No, it's...
242
00:11:44,912 --> 00:11:46,289
Stayin'
alive, stayin' alive
243
00:11:46,330 --> 00:11:48,249
Okay. That's enough. You
were in the parking lot earlier.
244
00:11:48,332 --> 00:11:50,209
That's how I know you.
245
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:56,841
Stayin'
alive, stayin' alive
246
00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,387
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
Stayin' alive, stayin' alive
247
00:12:01,470 --> 00:12:04,140
Well, you can tell by
the way I use my walk
248
00:12:04,223 --> 00:12:06,392
I'm a woman's man,
no time to talk
249
00:12:06,475 --> 00:12:10,479
Music loud, women warm Been
kicked around since I was born
250
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,607
Well, it's all right
It's okay
251
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:14,817
You can look the other way
252
00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,737
Okay! Okay!
253
00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:23,242
Stayin' alive,
stayin' alive
254
00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:26,203
Yeah. Okay, you didn't maintain
a hundred beats per minute.
255
00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:29,332
And the ambulance didn't
arrive because nobody called 911.
256
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:30,416
So you lost him.
257
00:12:30,499 --> 00:12:33,210
Okay, he's dead.
Anyone know what we do next?
258
00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:35,296
Anybody? Rose?
259
00:12:35,421 --> 00:12:36,672
I have no idea.
Anyone else?
260
00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:39,592
We bury him. Wrong! Check
for an organ donor card.
261
00:12:39,675 --> 00:12:41,636
If he has one, we only
have minutes to harvest.
262
00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:42,762
He has no wallet,
I checked.
263
00:12:42,845 --> 00:12:44,388
He is an organ donor.
He is?
264
00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,724
Get me some ice
and Styrofoam bucket.
265
00:12:46,807 --> 00:12:48,184
Here we go.
266
00:12:48,267 --> 00:12:49,852
- Oh, my God!
- Dwight!
267
00:12:49,977 --> 00:12:51,062
Dwight!
268
00:12:51,145 --> 00:12:52,313
Dwight, what are you...
269
00:12:52,396 --> 00:12:53,439
What are you doing?
270
00:12:53,522 --> 00:12:56,275
We search for the organs. Where's
the heart? The precious heart.
271
00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,444
I'm not feeling well.
I need to sit down.
272
00:12:58,527 --> 00:13:00,112
Stanley.
273
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,989
Hey, Stanley.
Stanley.
274
00:13:02,114 --> 00:13:03,157
Are you okay?
275
00:13:03,240 --> 00:13:05,493
Oh, my God!
276
00:13:05,576 --> 00:13:06,619
Oh, my God!
277
00:13:06,702 --> 00:13:08,537
Dwight!
Clarice.
278
00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,122
Oh, my God.
279
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:13,960
Can you tell me why you had
to cut the face off the dummy?
280
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,045
I didn't think it was very
realistic in the movie,
281
00:13:16,128 --> 00:13:18,589
and it turns out
it's pretty realistic.
282
00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:21,634
We had to pay for it.
It cost us $3,500.
283
00:13:21,717 --> 00:13:24,971
$5,300 for a dummy?
Wow.
284
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,806
Well, okay, look.
285
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:30,184
David, this is
why we have training.
286
00:13:30,267 --> 00:13:33,729
We start with the dummy and
we learn from our mistakes.
287
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:37,650
And now Dwight knows not to
cut the face off of a real person.
288
00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:47,994
Hope you brought your
apetitos, my lady, my Tuna.
289
00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,122
A little movie popcorn.
290
00:13:54,458 --> 00:13:55,960
Damn it.
291
00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,170
This movie,
a lot of buzz.
292
00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:00,715
Not coming out
for another six months.
293
00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:03,384
Mrs. Albert Hanaday.
294
00:14:03,467 --> 00:14:06,929
So the friendship with the
Nard-Dog has its privileges.
295
00:14:08,347 --> 00:14:10,599
We don't normally
download films illegally
296
00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:12,977
because we're honest,
hard-working people.
297
00:14:13,060 --> 00:14:14,395
And we don't know how.
298
00:14:14,478 --> 00:14:16,856
But Andy does, so we
have to watch it with him.
299
00:14:16,939 --> 00:14:18,983
Punishment fits
the crime.
300
00:14:19,942 --> 00:14:25,990
I want you to meet my nana.
Nana, this is Sam.
301
00:14:26,532 --> 00:14:29,660
Hi. Nice to meet you,
Mrs. Hanaday.
302
00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,537
Please, call me Lily.
303
00:14:39,795 --> 00:14:42,965
Let's play bridge.
You can be my partner.
304
00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,677
All right, Lily.
305
00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,483
What's going on?
306
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,110
No one really knows, but
Pam's parents are going through
307
00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:05,237
a little bit of a rough
patch in their marriage.
308
00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:08,074
My dad spent the night
at our place last night.
309
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:11,911
My parents have been fighting
for weeks and it kind of sucks.
310
00:15:11,994 --> 00:15:13,370
Jim's been great.
311
00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,333
But I'm going to need
to buy my dad a robe.
312
00:15:17,666 --> 00:15:19,460
He's not saying
what he needs to say.
313
00:15:19,543 --> 00:15:20,586
Hmm?
314
00:15:21,295 --> 00:15:23,631
Who? Jack Black?
315
00:15:23,714 --> 00:15:24,924
Yeah.
316
00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:28,594
I mean, they just need to
communicate, you know.
317
00:15:28,677 --> 00:15:32,723
If they said to each other what
they're saying to everyone else, then...
318
00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:36,685
Hmm.
319
00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:41,023
Jim and Pam are
like movie geniuses.
320
00:15:42,274 --> 00:15:45,861
They're catching things that
are totally going over my head.
321
00:15:46,862 --> 00:15:48,405
Hi, everyone.
322
00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:51,659
Corporate has given
Dwight two strikes.
323
00:15:51,742 --> 00:15:54,453
They are very,
very upset with him.
324
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:57,081
So, as a
disciplinary measure,
325
00:15:58,040 --> 00:16:01,836
he is going to have to
issue a formal apology.
326
00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:06,132
Dwight, have you prepared
your statement of regret?
327
00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,134
I have.
Let's hear it.
328
00:16:12,346 --> 00:16:14,014
I state my regret.
329
00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:17,810
You couldn't have
memorized that?
330
00:16:17,893 --> 00:16:19,478
I could not
because I do not feel it.
331
00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:20,813
Okay, everyone,
I'm going to need you
332
00:16:20,896 --> 00:16:22,773
to sign
this statement of regret
333
00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:24,817
as an acknowledgment
that you heard it.
334
00:16:24,900 --> 00:16:26,986
Okay? Everyone come on
up here. It's not a big deal.
335
00:16:27,069 --> 00:16:29,446
It is a big deal.
You almost killed Stanley.
336
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:32,283
Yeah, right. I filled him full of
butter and sugar for 50 years
337
00:16:32,366 --> 00:16:34,243
and forced him
not to exercise.
338
00:16:34,326 --> 00:16:35,786
Now take a lesson
from Stanley
339
00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,330
and jog on up here
and sign this. Okay?
340
00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,584
Make a line. Just
form a line right here.
341
00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,713
Sign it! Sign it now!
342
00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,635
Hi, Dad.
343
00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,345
Yeah, Jim has shaving cream.
344
00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:54,805
Check our bathroom.
345
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,183
Lily?
346
00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,268
I'm in here.
347
00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:07,234
I... I'm sorry.
I didn't
348
00:17:09,111 --> 00:17:11,322
realize you were
in the bath.
349
00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:16,785
Do you want me to go?
350
00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,955
I want you to stay.
351
00:17:29,548 --> 00:17:31,383
Oh, boy.
352
00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,885
Oh, man.
353
00:17:33,552 --> 00:17:36,639
You know, Lily was
supposed to be Nicole Kidman.
354
00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:40,309
And it was going to be
Sophie's mom, not grandmother.
355
00:17:40,392 --> 00:17:41,977
But then Nicole Kidman
dropped out,
356
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,730
so they went with
Cloris Leachman,
357
00:17:44,813 --> 00:17:46,565
- with a small rewrite.
- Just give me your hand
358
00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:47,816
and get that in there.
359
00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,902
Help me pull it around.
360
00:17:49,985 --> 00:17:51,570
Oh, yeah. You did
that one already.
361
00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:53,530
I know,
but if I get it deeper...
362
00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:54,949
What is...
363
00:18:00,412 --> 00:18:02,998
He was pretty
talkative at breakfast.
364
00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,917
What?
365
00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:08,504
Breakfast?
366
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:11,882
You mean when they
were eating soup?
367
00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:14,093
I don't think
that was breakfast.
368
00:18:14,176 --> 00:18:17,429
Unless soup... Does
soup symbolize breakfast?
369
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:18,806
So he doesn't share
with his daughter,
370
00:18:18,889 --> 00:18:21,100
but he shares with
his daughter's fiancé?
371
00:18:21,183 --> 00:18:23,352
You guys, they're making out.
372
00:18:26,313 --> 00:18:27,648
Hey.
373
00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,734
Did my dad say
anything about my mom?
374
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:33,737
No. We mostly just
talked about cereal.
375
00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:37,908
What?
376
00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:39,451
I don't know.
377
00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:42,121
I mean, maybe he'll talk to
you about some of the stuff
378
00:18:42,204 --> 00:18:44,832
'cause he can't
really talk to me about it.
379
00:18:44,915 --> 00:18:47,793
Mmm...
You're good to talk to.
380
00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:52,298
I'm okay. I'm not great. And...
381
00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:04,101
Everybody sit on the floor,
Indian-style like me.
382
00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,646
My God,
if you're wearing a dress,
383
00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,857
please keep your knees
together, nobody wants to see that.
384
00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:15,487
My goal is to make
this office as peaceful
385
00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:18,073
a place for Stanley Hudson
as I can.
386
00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:22,244
And I think sounds
have a lot to do with that.
387
00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:25,122
Here are some downloaded
peaceful sounds.
388
00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,922
That one makes me think
389
00:19:34,923 --> 00:19:36,175
of death.
390
00:19:39,386 --> 00:19:40,763
It's kind of nice.
391
00:19:40,971 --> 00:19:45,934
It is
a beautiful, sunny day
392
00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:49,271
as we walk
through the meadow.
393
00:19:49,938 --> 00:19:54,193
That is very
spiritual and relaxing.
394
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:58,655
And there are flowers and
it is sunny and beautiful.
395
00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:02,409
Now, up ahead,
a castle in the distance.
396
00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:04,578
Don't open your eyes.
What? Oh.
397
00:20:04,661 --> 00:20:08,957
And you walk up
toward the castle.
398
00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:15,047
And inside the castle
are four men,
399
00:20:15,130 --> 00:20:16,507
and each of them...
400
00:20:16,590 --> 00:20:18,717
None of them have shoes.
401
00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,677
And they give you
a funny cigarette
402
00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,097
and you feel
even more relaxed,
403
00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:26,225
and then you want ice cream.
404
00:20:26,308 --> 00:20:28,060
You want a big bowl
of ice cream.
405
00:20:28,143 --> 00:20:30,020
So what kind of ice cream
do you want? Yell it out.
406
00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:31,063
Chunky Monkey.
407
00:20:31,146 --> 00:20:32,856
Too expensive.
Chocolate.
408
00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:34,316
Racism is dead, Stanley.
409
00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,860
You can have any kind
of ice cream you want.
410
00:20:36,985 --> 00:20:38,570
What do you want?
411
00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:40,614
What is that?
People, please,
412
00:20:40,697 --> 00:20:42,324
I told you to get rid
of the cell phones.
413
00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:44,827
It's my bio-feedback machine.
414
00:20:44,910 --> 00:20:47,913
Oh, okay. What is that,
like a video game?
415
00:20:47,996 --> 00:20:52,501
It alerts me when my stress level
goes up, so I can try to calm down.
416
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:53,919
You have stress?
417
00:20:54,002 --> 00:20:55,170
Yes.
418
00:20:55,462 --> 00:20:57,423
During our
relaxation exercise?
419
00:20:57,506 --> 00:20:58,590
Let me
get you some water.
420
00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,134
No, no, I'll help you up.
I'll help you up.
421
00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:01,343
Here we go. Here we go.
Let me get you up.
422
00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:02,761
No, Michael.
Would you step back?
423
00:21:03,887 --> 00:21:04,930
Please, please.
Okay. All right.
424
00:21:05,013 --> 00:21:07,015
- A little further.
- Okay.
425
00:21:08,934 --> 00:21:10,436
That's better.
426
00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:20,362
Okay.
427
00:21:22,030 --> 00:21:23,907
I think that thing
is on the fritz.
428
00:21:26,034 --> 00:21:28,871
Oscar, would you reach over
and touch his thing?
429
00:21:28,954 --> 00:21:32,374
That's what he said. Right,
guys? Because of gay.
430
00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:36,378
Let's give this a shot.
431
00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:38,297
Hello!
432
00:21:42,217 --> 00:21:45,554
Michael, I think you're what's
stressing everybody out.
433
00:21:47,764 --> 00:21:50,559
So it wasn't
Dwight after all.
434
00:21:50,642 --> 00:21:52,561
Looks like I'm the killer.
435
00:21:53,061 --> 00:21:54,897
You never expect
that you're the Killer.
436
00:21:54,980 --> 00:21:58,901
It's a great twist.
Great twist.
437
00:22:04,698 --> 00:22:06,825
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
438
00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:11,163
Oh. Hey, Mom. No.
439
00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,917
What did Dad say?
440
00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,338
What did you say to my dad?
441
00:22:19,421 --> 00:22:20,422
What?
442
00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:21,965
After you talked,
he called my mom
443
00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:23,342
and said he was gonna look
for an apartment.
444
00:22:23,425 --> 00:22:25,928
Oh, my God. Pam,
I don't know. I...
445
00:22:27,137 --> 00:22:29,014
Nothing, truly nothing.
446
00:22:29,097 --> 00:22:31,266
I mean, I just was
honest with him and I...
447
00:22:32,142 --> 00:22:35,979
I'm so sorry. I don't
know. I'll call him again.
448
00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:43,362
50 percent of marriages
end in divorce,
449
00:22:43,445 --> 00:22:46,990
so it was her parents
or my parents.
450
00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:54,456
What could Jim have said to make
my dad want to leave my mom?
451
00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:57,960
And at what point in our
marriage is he gonna say it to me?
452
00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:04,758
I don't get it.
453
00:23:05,842 --> 00:23:07,261
Do I stress you out?
454
00:23:07,344 --> 00:23:09,263
Nothing stresses me out.
455
00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:13,725
Except having to seek
the approval of my inferiors.
456
00:23:13,809 --> 00:23:15,477
Speaking of which...
457
00:23:20,148 --> 00:23:23,068
Remember when
people used to say "boss"
458
00:23:23,151 --> 00:23:26,738
when they were describing
something that was really cool?
459
00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:31,368
Like, "Those shoulder pads
are really boss, man."
460
00:23:32,327 --> 00:23:35,163
"Look at that perm.
That perm is so boss."
461
00:23:36,164 --> 00:23:38,875
It's what made me
want to become a boss.
462
00:23:40,377 --> 00:23:43,547
And I looked so good
in a perm and shoulder pads.
463
00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:49,553
But now boss is just slang
for "jerk in charge."
464
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:53,765
Okay, everybody,
I figured it out.
465
00:23:53,849 --> 00:23:57,144
The reason that you are
all so stressed around me
466
00:23:57,227 --> 00:23:59,062
is that you are
too intimidated
467
00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:02,065
to tell me
what you really think.
468
00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:06,236
You are keeping these feelings
inside and that is causing stress.
469
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:07,904
So, what is the solution?
470
00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:12,117
Solution is honesty,
laughter and comedy.
471
00:24:12,200 --> 00:24:13,910
In short...
A vacation.
472
00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:20,375
What? No. No. I'm talking
about a roast of Michael Scott.
473
00:24:21,251 --> 00:24:24,338
Come on. Who here has the
Comedy Central Roast Channel?
474
00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:25,505
You've seen it, right?
475
00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:29,676
Everybody gets together and you
start hurling insults at the one guy,
476
00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:33,472
and everybody's laughing and
everybody is hugging each other.
477
00:24:33,555 --> 00:24:35,974
Michael, are you serious? Do
you really want us to roast you?
478
00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:38,894
That's offensive.
It's not!
479
00:24:38,977 --> 00:24:42,147
It's not offensive during
a roast. Anything goes.
480
00:24:42,230 --> 00:24:44,191
And I want you guys to
really get cracking on this.
481
00:24:44,274 --> 00:24:47,152
I want you to take me down.
Don't hold back.
482
00:24:47,235 --> 00:24:50,989
I want you to really make fun
of anything about me.
483
00:24:51,073 --> 00:24:54,201
It could be my race, could
be the fact that I'm so fit,
484
00:24:54,284 --> 00:24:57,788
or I'm a womanizer,
fair game. Whatever.
485
00:24:57,871 --> 00:24:59,665
I don't want to write
your stuff for you,
486
00:24:59,748 --> 00:25:01,375
but I just want it
to be good.
487
00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:06,505
Oh, my God.
Oh, man. Oh, my God.
488
00:25:06,588 --> 00:25:08,924
I consider myself
a good person,
489
00:25:09,508 --> 00:25:11,385
but I'm gonna try
to make him cry.
490
00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:16,682
I can already feel
people's stress starting to melt.
491
00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:20,268
I think they're very excited about
paying their respects this way.
492
00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:25,273
I've got to make sure that
YouTube comes down to tape this.
493
00:25:29,945 --> 00:25:31,446
May I have your attention,
please? Sign in.
494
00:25:31,530 --> 00:25:34,783
Sign in on the sign-in sheet,
the clipboard.
495
00:25:34,866 --> 00:25:35,867
This meeting is mandatory,
496
00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:38,912
if you do not sign in,
your name will not be counted.
497
00:25:38,995 --> 00:25:40,247
Thank you.
498
00:25:40,330 --> 00:25:42,749
Hey, this is
your apology letter.
499
00:25:44,042 --> 00:25:45,627
It was the last signature
I needed.
500
00:25:48,463 --> 00:25:50,507
Welcome, welcome,
welcome, welcome, welcome!
501
00:25:50,590 --> 00:25:52,259
You are all jerks.
502
00:25:53,593 --> 00:25:56,054
Just kidding.
Not yet, anyway.
503
00:25:56,138 --> 00:25:59,099
Welcome to the roast
of Mr. Michael Scott.
504
00:25:59,182 --> 00:26:01,101
If you are here for
the Grabowski wedding,
505
00:26:01,184 --> 00:26:03,854
it is the second door
on the left.
506
00:26:04,187 --> 00:26:06,064
So, we all know
how these work.
507
00:26:06,148 --> 00:26:09,109
It needs to get crazy.
Take your best shot.
508
00:26:09,192 --> 00:26:11,278
I'm going to sit
right over chair.
509
00:26:11,945 --> 00:26:16,825
And whoever wants to come up
and roast me, you may. Okay.
510
00:26:19,327 --> 00:26:21,580
Lower the mike
for the midget.
511
00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:26,460
If you ever wondered whether
you were Michael Scott,
512
00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:28,795
here's a quiz to help.
513
00:26:28,879 --> 00:26:32,966
If you ever put sun block on a
window, you might be Michael Scott.
514
00:26:35,135 --> 00:26:38,013
I normally don't enjoy
making people laugh.
515
00:26:39,431 --> 00:26:41,433
If you ever called
the fire department
516
00:26:41,516 --> 00:26:44,519
because your head was stuck
in your chair, you might be...
517
00:26:44,644 --> 00:26:46,188
Michael Scott.
518
00:26:50,025 --> 00:26:51,485
Hey, hey.
519
00:26:51,568 --> 00:26:54,112
I don't go make burgers
where you work
520
00:26:54,196 --> 00:26:56,239
and then tell you
how to make burgers.
521
00:26:57,699 --> 00:27:00,285
I have made a list of people
that I would make out with
522
00:27:00,368 --> 00:27:02,662
before I would make out
with Michael Scott.
523
00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:06,583
A turtle, a fridge,
anybody from the warehouse.
524
00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:07,751
Yeah!
525
00:27:07,834 --> 00:27:13,465
A wood chipper, Kevin,
a candle and Lord Voldemort.
526
00:27:13,590 --> 00:27:14,883
Anyway,
happy birthday, Michael.
527
00:27:14,925 --> 00:27:15,967
Yeah.
528
00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:18,637
You'd be so lucky. Good one.
529
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:22,891
Michael, you ran
over me with your car.
530
00:27:25,101 --> 00:27:29,147
You posted a picture of my
bare boobs on the bulletin board
531
00:27:29,231 --> 00:27:31,441
with a caption
that said, "Gross.”
532
00:27:31,525 --> 00:27:32,526
Well...
533
00:27:32,609 --> 00:27:35,654
Michael, you are
the reason I drink.
534
00:27:35,737 --> 00:27:38,281
You are the reason
I live to forget.
535
00:27:47,874 --> 00:27:51,586
No, no, friends only.
Friends only!
536
00:27:54,089 --> 00:27:56,258
Several times a day,
Michael says words
537
00:27:56,341 --> 00:27:58,635
that are way
beyond my vocabulary.
538
00:27:58,718 --> 00:27:59,803
I know where
this is going.
539
00:27:59,886 --> 00:28:00,887
Do you?
540
00:28:00,971 --> 00:28:02,722
Okay.
Remember spider face?
541
00:28:02,806 --> 00:28:03,849
No.
542
00:28:03,932 --> 00:28:05,183
Okay, because
the quote was,
543
00:28:05,267 --> 00:28:07,352
"Cut off your nose
to spider face.”
544
00:28:07,435 --> 00:28:08,436
Spider... Okay.
545
00:28:09,604 --> 00:28:11,189
Yeah, yeah.
546
00:28:12,148 --> 00:28:13,358
How dare you all
attack him like this?
547
00:28:13,441 --> 00:28:14,442
No, stop it.
548
00:28:14,568 --> 00:28:16,528
Michael is your superior,
okay? Dwight. No, no, no, no.
549
00:28:16,611 --> 00:28:18,446
You should be bowing
down in front of him.
550
00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:19,739
Hey, hey. Right now. Okay?
551
00:28:19,865 --> 00:28:21,283
They don't understand who
they have. That is the way
552
00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:23,034
you're supposed to do it,
idiot. You're interrupting me.
553
00:28:23,118 --> 00:28:24,953
I'm trying to get your back.
I'm trying to... Idiot, idiot.
554
00:28:25,036 --> 00:28:26,705
Idiot. Are you
calling me an idiot?
555
00:28:26,788 --> 00:28:28,540
Don't you ever
talk to me that way,
556
00:28:28,623 --> 00:28:30,458
you pathetic
short little man.
557
00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:33,920
You don't have any friends
or any family or any land!
558
00:28:36,214 --> 00:28:38,133
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
559
00:28:39,467 --> 00:28:41,219
Well, I just want to take
a minute to talk to you all
560
00:28:41,303 --> 00:28:42,846
about something
very serious.
561
00:28:42,929 --> 00:28:47,058
Once every hour, someone
is involved in an Internet scam.
562
00:28:47,976 --> 00:28:49,394
That man is
Michael Scott.
563
00:28:50,604 --> 00:28:52,689
He's supporting about
20 Nigerian princesses.
564
00:28:52,772 --> 00:28:56,693
Hey, you know what?
Forgive me for caring, right?
565
00:28:57,527 --> 00:29:00,572
Well, you know, Michael
is a great delegator.
566
00:29:00,655 --> 00:29:02,532
He never does
any work himself, ever.
567
00:29:04,910 --> 00:29:09,539
And one time I walked in on him
naked and his thing is so small.
568
00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:12,417
How small is it?
569
00:29:12,500 --> 00:29:14,502
If it were an iPod,
it would be a shuffle.
570
00:29:16,379 --> 00:29:18,340
All right, can I make
just a little announcement?
571
00:29:18,423 --> 00:29:21,593
In a professional roast,
usually the roaster
572
00:29:21,676 --> 00:29:24,721
will say something nice about
the roastee after they're done.
573
00:29:24,804 --> 00:29:29,100
Something about how much they
love them, so just keep that in mind.
574
00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:31,019
Mike claims
we're all a family.
575
00:29:31,144 --> 00:29:32,604
You know what... We
are. We are a family.
576
00:29:32,687 --> 00:29:36,107
Okay, so, what's his name?
577
00:29:36,191 --> 00:29:37,567
All the way in
the back there.
578
00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:39,277
Oh, very funny.
579
00:29:39,361 --> 00:29:40,695
What's his name?
580
00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:41,780
Uh...
581
00:29:43,031 --> 00:29:44,783
I'm thinking Roy.
582
00:29:44,866 --> 00:29:47,494
Roy left years ago.
What's his name?
583
00:29:47,577 --> 00:29:49,537
I don't believe
I've had the pleasure.
584
00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:51,456
Michael, I gave you
a ride home last week
585
00:29:51,539 --> 00:29:53,959
and we spent
an hour in traffic.
586
00:29:54,042 --> 00:29:55,961
What's his name?
Jefferson.
587
00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:58,797
Nope. His name is Michael.
588
00:30:08,723 --> 00:30:11,476
What I hate about you
589
00:30:11,559 --> 00:30:13,395
You really suck as a boss
590
00:30:15,397 --> 00:30:19,442
You're the laziest, jerkiest And
you're dumber than an apple sauce
591
00:30:21,486 --> 00:30:24,030
We're stuck
listening to you all day
592
00:30:24,114 --> 00:30:26,825
Stanley tried to die
just to get away
593
00:30:26,908 --> 00:30:28,410
Well it's true
594
00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:31,204
That's what I hate about you
595
00:30:31,997 --> 00:30:34,124
That's what I hate about you
596
00:30:43,925 --> 00:30:45,010
Yeah!
597
00:30:47,178 --> 00:30:52,767
And now a man who deserves
no introduction, Michael Scott.
598
00:30:56,354 --> 00:31:00,025
Thank you very much.
Thank you. That was great.
599
00:31:00,108 --> 00:31:02,318
Great job, some great laughs.
600
00:31:03,737 --> 00:31:07,907
Really, really went after
my intelligence there.
601
00:31:10,035 --> 00:31:13,413
Dozens of online IQ tests
might prove you wrong, but...
602
00:31:14,914 --> 00:31:20,754
And my thing isn't tiny, it's
average, So get your facts straight.
603
00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:29,304
So when I heard that there was going
to be a roast in my honor, I thought...
604
00:31:30,555 --> 00:31:33,641
Sorry. I think I have
a frog in my throat.
605
00:31:34,059 --> 00:31:35,060
Um...
606
00:31:38,688 --> 00:31:42,650
I decided to jot down some
quick thoughts about you people.
607
00:31:43,943 --> 00:31:44,944
Um...
608
00:31:47,572 --> 00:31:50,325
First up, Phyllis and Kevin.
609
00:31:51,618 --> 00:31:52,952
Um...
610
00:32:19,020 --> 00:32:21,272
Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam.
611
00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:23,399
I'm sorry, Michael's
not here right now.
612
00:32:23,483 --> 00:32:25,193
Can I take a message?
613
00:32:26,611 --> 00:32:28,488
Great. I will. Thanks.
614
00:32:32,992 --> 00:32:35,703
It's very unusual for Michael
not to show up to work.
615
00:32:35,787 --> 00:32:37,956
My guess,
he's either deeply depressed
616
00:32:38,039 --> 00:32:42,043
or an icicle has snapped off
his roof and impaled his brain.
617
00:32:42,127 --> 00:32:45,338
He has this terrible habit of
standing directly underneath them
618
00:32:45,421 --> 00:32:46,631
and staring up at them.
619
00:32:46,714 --> 00:32:48,758
And I always say,
"Michael, take two steps back
620
00:32:48,842 --> 00:32:50,552
"and stare at the icicle
from the side."
621
00:32:50,635 --> 00:32:52,345
And he's like,
"No, I like the way they look
622
00:32:52,428 --> 00:32:55,640
“from standing
directly underneath them."
623
00:32:55,723 --> 00:32:57,934
It was only a matter of time.
624
00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:00,520
Michael is so dumb
625
00:33:00,603 --> 00:33:04,774
that he tries to put his
M&M's in alphabetical order.
626
00:33:05,900 --> 00:33:08,611
All right, Kevin, enough
with the Michael jokes.
627
00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:10,113
I think he got it
bad enough yesterday.
628
00:33:10,196 --> 00:33:11,489
I'm almost done.
629
00:33:11,573 --> 00:33:13,741
That reeks
and I'm trying to eat.
630
00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:16,119
Attention, everyone, I've
just got a text from Michael.
631
00:33:16,202 --> 00:33:18,621
He says "personnel day."
Are we hiring?
632
00:33:18,705 --> 00:33:20,331
Yeah. You're being replaced.
633
00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,167
I think he meant
personal day.
634
00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:23,501
I don't know.
That's quite a leap, Pam.
635
00:33:23,585 --> 00:33:25,503
I hope he's okay.
I feel bad.
636
00:33:25,587 --> 00:33:27,547
Give it up. He's dead.
637
00:33:27,630 --> 00:33:28,965
He just sent a text.
638
00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:31,092
What's a text?
639
00:33:51,613 --> 00:33:54,741
You know, sometimes
to get perspective,
640
00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:59,704
I like to think about a spaceman
on a star incredibly far away,
641
00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:02,916
and our problems don't
matter to him
642
00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:05,752
because we're just
a distant point of light.
643
00:34:07,128 --> 00:34:09,130
But he feels sorry for me
644
00:34:09,839 --> 00:34:12,300
because he has an
incredibly powerful microscope
645
00:34:12,383 --> 00:34:14,302
and he can see my face.
646
00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:18,973
I'm okay.
647
00:34:21,684 --> 00:34:23,102
No, I'm not.
648
00:34:23,478 --> 00:34:25,104
Phyllis, there's
a package for you.
649
00:34:25,188 --> 00:34:26,397
Oh.
650
00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:29,817
Sign here.
Okay.
651
00:34:33,821 --> 00:34:34,989
What?
652
00:34:40,620 --> 00:34:41,829
Got it!
653
00:34:45,375 --> 00:34:48,086
Sam, Sam, Sam.
654
00:34:48,753 --> 00:34:51,714
It's not that you
dumped my granddaughter,
655
00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:55,677
and it's not that you want
children, it's that you lied to me.
656
00:34:55,760 --> 00:34:58,346
Can't you see that?
Can't you see?
657
00:34:59,847 --> 00:35:01,224
I can never trust you.
658
00:35:01,307 --> 00:35:05,270
Lily, no. Lily.
Lily, please.
659
00:35:06,604 --> 00:35:07,981
Lily, stop!
660
00:35:09,857 --> 00:35:13,486
I don't care how
much time we have left.
661
00:35:13,569 --> 00:35:15,697
I don't care
what my friends say.
662
00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:18,950
And I don't care
what your mom thinks.
663
00:35:19,033 --> 00:35:22,328
Frankly, I'm pretty sure
she's not making any sense.
664
00:35:23,705 --> 00:35:27,125
Please, move back
to my apartment.
665
00:35:34,799 --> 00:35:41,055
Lily, I'm not giving up.
I'm not giving up.
666
00:35:42,807 --> 00:35:47,729
Lily, Lily!
Push the reverse button!
667
00:35:48,563 --> 00:35:50,273
Reverse the button!
668
00:35:58,281 --> 00:36:01,659
Sam. Sam.
669
00:36:08,499 --> 00:36:12,253
Hey, Dad. No, I
know. Mom told me.
670
00:36:16,799 --> 00:36:19,635
Okay. Yeah,
I'll see you then.
671
00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:45,620
So what did he say?
Was it my fault?
672
00:36:47,121 --> 00:36:48,289
Yeah.
673
00:36:51,250 --> 00:36:54,295
He said that you told him
how much you love me,
674
00:36:55,463 --> 00:36:58,383
about how you feel
when I walk in a room
675
00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:02,053
and about how you've
never doubted for a second
676
00:37:02,136 --> 00:37:06,140
that I'm the woman you want
to spend the rest of your life with.
677
00:37:07,642 --> 00:37:11,437
I guess he's never felt that
with my mom, even at their best.
678
00:37:12,271 --> 00:37:14,107
You okay?
679
00:37:14,190 --> 00:37:15,358
Yeah.
680
00:37:18,152 --> 00:37:21,531
When you're a kid, you assume
your parents are soul mates.
681
00:37:21,614 --> 00:37:24,242
My kids are gonna
be right about that.
682
00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:26,536
I guess it also means
683
00:37:26,619 --> 00:37:30,832
that sometimes love affairs look
different to the people inside them.
684
00:37:34,877 --> 00:37:37,964
I'm not insightful enough
to be a movie critic.
685
00:37:38,464 --> 00:37:40,925
Maybe I could be
a food critic.
686
00:37:41,008 --> 00:37:43,010
These muffins taste bad.
687
00:37:43,761 --> 00:37:47,306
Or an art critic.
That painting is bad.
688
00:37:50,518 --> 00:37:53,855
Michael, it's
really good to see you.
689
00:37:54,647 --> 00:37:57,483
Hey, why are you
wearing a turtleneck?
690
00:37:57,567 --> 00:37:58,609
You all right?
691
00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:00,486
Michael, I feel I was
a little harsh yesterday.
692
00:38:00,570 --> 00:38:02,530
Yeah. JIM: Yeah,
we're really sorry.
693
00:38:02,613 --> 00:38:06,701
I spent the afternoon in the
park trying to feed the pigeons.
694
00:38:07,743 --> 00:38:10,830
I guess they all flew
west for the winter.
695
00:38:10,913 --> 00:38:15,126
And I just had some thoughts that
I wanted to share with you people.
696
00:38:15,209 --> 00:38:16,586
What?
Well, I wrote them down
697
00:38:16,669 --> 00:38:18,045
so I wouldn't forget.
698
00:38:20,506 --> 00:38:24,385
Jim, you're 6'11"
and you weigh 90 pounds.
699
00:38:24,469 --> 00:38:26,387
Gumby has
a better body than you.
700
00:38:26,471 --> 00:38:28,097
Boom. Roasted.
701
00:38:28,181 --> 00:38:30,183
Dwight, you're a kiss-ass.
Boom. Roasted.
702
00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:33,060
Pam, you failed art school.
Boom. Roasted.
703
00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:35,646
Meredith, you've slept
with so many guys
704
00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:37,148
you're starting
to look like one.
705
00:38:37,231 --> 00:38:38,274
Boom. Roasted.
706
00:38:38,357 --> 00:38:40,401
Kevin, I can't decide
between a fat joke
707
00:38:40,485 --> 00:38:41,944
and a dumb joke.
Boom. Roasted.
708
00:38:42,028 --> 00:38:44,989
Creed, your teeth called, your
breath stinks. Boom. Roasted.
709
00:38:45,072 --> 00:38:46,991
Angela, where's Angela?
710
00:38:47,074 --> 00:38:48,075
Well, there you are.
711
00:38:48,159 --> 00:38:51,829
I didn't see you behind that
grain of rice. Boom. Roasted.
712
00:38:51,913 --> 00:38:54,332
Stanley, you crush
your wife during sex
713
00:38:54,415 --> 00:38:56,083
and your heart sucks.
Boom. Roasted.
714
00:38:57,251 --> 00:38:59,086
Oscar, you are...
715
00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:05,718
Oscar, you're gay.
716
00:39:05,801 --> 00:39:06,844
Wow.
717
00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:11,516
Andy, Cornell called, they think
you suck and you're gayer than Oscar.
718
00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:13,351
Boom. Roasted.
719
00:39:13,434 --> 00:39:14,602
Boom. Roasted.
720
00:39:23,444 --> 00:39:27,198
All right. All right,
everybody. You know I kid.
721
00:39:29,033 --> 00:39:30,576
You know I kid.
722
00:39:30,660 --> 00:39:34,497
You guys are the reason that
I went into the paper business.
723
00:39:34,580 --> 00:39:38,709
So, good night, God bless.
God bless America.
724
00:39:38,793 --> 00:39:40,336
And get home safe.
725
00:39:40,419 --> 00:39:41,462
Yeah.
726
00:39:44,090 --> 00:39:46,217
They say that laughter
is the best medicine,
727
00:39:46,300 --> 00:39:49,554
so, Stanley, you can
throw away those pills.
728
00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:51,138
You are cured.
729
00:39:52,598 --> 00:39:55,851
Actually, better hold on
to the pills, just in case.