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[THEME MUSIC]

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Pam!

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Pamela, Pame-lama ding-dong.

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Making copies.

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[PHONE RINGING]

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I'm not making any copies.

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Let's go!

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Messages, stat!

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Lots to do, lots to do.

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Information superhighway.

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-Nothing new.
-Lay them on moi.

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What?
-There's nothing new.

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That's not what
you said earlier.

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Oh, do you want me to
repeat the messages that

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I gave you before for the--

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The most sacred thing
I do is care and provide

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for my workers-- my family.

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I give them money.

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I give them food.

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[PHONE RINGING]

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Not directly but through
the money-- I heal them.

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Today, I am in charge--

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[TAPS BOOKS]

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--of picking a great new
health care plan, right?

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[TAPS BOOK]
That's what this is all about.

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Does that make me their doctor?

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Yes, in a way.

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Yeah, like a specialist.

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[ADDING MACHINE SOUNDS]

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So which health plan
have you decided on?

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I am going to go
with the best, Jan.

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I am going to go with the
one with the acupuncture,

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therapeutic massage--
you know, the works.

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JAN: Wait, acupuncture?
-Mm-hmm.

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None of the plans
have acupuncture.

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Have you looked at
them closely, Michael?

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Oh, I think it was you
who didn't look closely

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enough at the gold plan.

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The gold plan?

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MICHAEL: Yeah.

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I'm not even on that plan.

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Well, I'd recommend it.
JAN: Michael--

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It's very good.

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You gotta crack
these things open.

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JAN: You know, the
whole reason that we're

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doing this is to save money.

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So you just need
to pick a provider

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and then choose
the cheapest plan.

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Well, that is a-- kind
of a tough assignment.

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Um-- it's not gonna be
a popular decision--

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JAN: It's your job.
- --around the old orifice.

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JAN: So.

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I-- well, it's a
suicide mission.

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You know?

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[LAUGHS]

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JAN: Michael--

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I-- I don't--

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JAN: Maybe, I mean--

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They're-- They're--

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JAN: You know,
sometimes a manager,

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like yourself, has to deliver
the bad news to the employees.

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I do it all the time.

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Oh, yeah.

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When have you ever done that?

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I'm doing it right now to you.

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[SIGHS]

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Last night on
"Trading Spouses"--

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[PHONE RINGING]

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--there's-- have you seen it?

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PAM: No, I have a life.
-Interesting.

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What's that like?

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PAM: You should try it sometime.

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Wow.

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But then who would watch my TV?
[LAUGHS]

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JIM: Sort of like a [INAUDIBLE].
MICHAEL: Jimbo.

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PAM: --your problem.

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[AWKWARD LAUGH]

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There's a decision
that needs to be made,

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and I'm having an
unbelievably busy day so I'm

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going to let you pick a health
care plan for our office

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and then explain it
to your coworkers.

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Gosh.

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MICHAEL: Yeah.

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That is a great offer.

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Thank you.

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I really think I should
be concentrating on sales.

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Really.
JIM: Yeah.

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I just don't think that
this is the kind of task

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that I-- I'm going to do.

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You know who would
be great for this?

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Any time Michael asks
me to do anything,

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I just tell him that
Dwight should do it.

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Yes.

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I can do it.

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I'm your man.

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Right now, this is just a job.

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If I advance any higher
in this company then

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this would be my career.

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[LAUGHS]

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And, uh, well, if
this were my career,

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I'd have to throw myself
in front of a train.

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OK.

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First, let's go over
some parameters.

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How many people can I fire?

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Uh, none.

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You're picking a
health care plan.

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OK.

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We'll table that
for the time being.

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Two, I'm gonna need an office.

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I think the conference
room should be fine.

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You can use the conference
room as a temporary workspace.

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Yes!

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I have an office--
(QUIETLY) bigger than his.

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Nope.
You cannot use it.

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OK.

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I take it back--
it's a workspace.

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--temporary workspace.

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You can use it.

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Thank you.

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If Dwight fails then
that is strike two

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and good for me for, uh,
giving him a second chance.

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And if he succeeds,
then, you know,

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no one will be
prouder than I am.

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I groomed him.

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I made him what he is
today-- unless he fails

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and, uh-- talked
about that already.

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[PHONES RINGING]

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DWIGHT: What did I do?

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I did my job.

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I slashed benefits to the bone.

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I saved this company money.

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Was I too harsh?

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Maybe.

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I don't believe in
coddling people.

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In the wild, there
is no health care.

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In the wild, health care
is, ow, I hurt my leg.

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I can't run.

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A lion eats me and I'm dead.

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Wow.

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I'm not dead.

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I'm the lion.

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You're dead.

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[COPY MACHINE RUNNING]

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STANLEY: There's no
dental, there's no vision.

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There's a $1,200 deductible.

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[PHONE RINGING]

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Dunder Mifflin, this is Pam.

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MICHAEL (ON PHONE):
Pam, Michael Scott.

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How's tricks?

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Where are you?
[SIGHS]

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MICHAEL (ON PHONE):
I am in my office.

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I am swamped.

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I have work up to my ears.

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I'm busy, busy, busy,
busy-- can't step away.

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I just wanted to check in and
see how everybody's doing.

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Everybody cool out there?

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PAM: Um, actually, people
are really unhappy.

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Um, Dwight sent around
this memo and people

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are freaking out because the--

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MICHAEL (ON PHONE):
Pam, you know--

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whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa--
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I--

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I-- I gotta go.

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I'm getting a call.

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No, you're not.

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I have to make a call
after I finish-- my work.

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You know what?

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Um, just don't let anybody in
my office under any conditions

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today.

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I'm just too busy--
too swamped, you know?

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I am unreachable.

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I am incommunicado, capisce?
PAM (ON PHONE): OK.

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Thank you.
Oh, god.

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Here we go again.

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Gotta go.

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I have to take this.

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PAM (ON PHONE):
Still no one calling.

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PAM: Dwight, what is this--

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DWIGHT: Uh, knock please.

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Please, knock.

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This is an office.

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It says workspace.

182
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Same thing.

183
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If it's the same thing, then
why'd you write workspace?

184
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Just knock, please?

185
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OK-- as a sign of a
respect for your superior?

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You are not my superior.

187
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Oh, gee, then why
do I have an office?

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Thought it was a
workspace, Dwight.

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OK.

190
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,280
Dwight, are you really
in charge of picking

191
00:06:57,280 --> 00:06:58,200
the health care plan?

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Yes, and my decision is final.

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This is a
ridiculously awful plan

194
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because you cut everything.

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DWIGHT: (SARCASTICALLY)
Oh, times are tough, Pam.

196
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Deal with it--

197
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You cut more than you
had to, didn't you?

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DWIGHT: Sure.
-Well, why did you do that?

199
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You work here, don't
you want good insurance?

200
00:07:11,050 --> 00:07:11,820
Don't need it.

201
00:07:11,820 --> 00:07:13,430
Never been sick--
perfect immune system.

202
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OK.

203
00:07:14,130 --> 00:07:15,380
Well, if you've
never been sick then

204
00:07:15,380 --> 00:07:16,980
you don't have any antibodies.

205
00:07:16,980 --> 00:07:19,540
I don't need them--
superior genes.

206
00:07:19,540 --> 00:07:22,250
I'm a Schrute-- and
superior brain power.

207
00:07:22,250 --> 00:07:24,870
Through concentration,
I can raise and lower

208
00:07:24,870 --> 00:07:27,720
my cholesterol at will.

209
00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,740
Why would you wanna
raise your cholesterol?

210
00:07:29,740 --> 00:07:32,090
So I can lower it.

211
00:07:32,090 --> 00:07:33,020
[PHONE RINGING]

212
00:07:33,020 --> 00:07:36,630
OSCAR: He literally won't
come out of his office.

213
00:07:36,630 --> 00:07:42,020
He's gotta come out sometime--
to got to the bathroom.

214
00:07:42,020 --> 00:07:45,740
ANGELA: Kevin,
that's inappropriate.

215
00:07:45,740 --> 00:07:48,170
[WATER RUNNING]

216
00:07:48,170 --> 00:07:49,240
Michael, can I talk to you?

217
00:07:49,240 --> 00:07:52,620
Uh, uh, I would love
to but I am really busy.

218
00:07:52,620 --> 00:07:54,350
Rain check?
OSCAR: Well--

219
00:07:54,350 --> 00:07:55,300
MEREDITH: Uh, Michael?

220
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:57,690
Michael, please, can we
talk to you about this memo?

221
00:07:57,690 --> 00:08:00,150
MICHAEL: Uh, what--
which a-- which memo?

222
00:08:00,150 --> 00:08:01,230
Dwight's health care memo.

223
00:08:01,230 --> 00:08:02,940
I told you about it.
-It a good plan?

224
00:08:02,940 --> 00:08:05,300
It's a great plan-- saves
the company a fortune.

225
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:06,890
OSCAR: It's like a pay decrease.

226
00:08:06,890 --> 00:08:08,410
Michael, he made huge cuts.

227
00:08:08,410 --> 00:08:11,370
Cuts-- what-- wow,
Dwight, did you make cuts?

228
00:08:11,370 --> 00:08:12,640
Yeah, you said to
go ahead and trim--

229
00:08:12,640 --> 00:08:15,120
No, no no, no no,
no, you know what?

230
00:08:15,120 --> 00:08:17,960
I said nothing specific
because I was so busy.

231
00:08:17,960 --> 00:08:19,930
Why don't you go
in there, Dwight,

232
00:08:19,930 --> 00:08:23,580
and find these people a plan
that'll work for them, OK?

233
00:08:23,580 --> 00:08:24,380
DWIGHT: I can handle it.

234
00:08:24,380 --> 00:08:25,980
MICHAEL: OK?

235
00:08:25,980 --> 00:08:27,260
All right.

236
00:08:27,260 --> 00:08:28,970
We feel good?

237
00:08:28,970 --> 00:08:30,430
All right.
Good.

238
00:08:32,840 --> 00:08:37,550
Plus, there's some
other good news.

239
00:08:37,550 --> 00:08:41,950
Today, at the end of the
day, I will have, for all

240
00:08:41,950 --> 00:08:46,310
of you, a big surprise, OK?

241
00:08:46,310 --> 00:08:50,360
So hang in there and I will
see you at the end of the day,

242
00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:51,170
all right?

243
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,040
OSCAR: This is not good.

244
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:02,490
It's ridiculous.

245
00:09:02,490 --> 00:09:04,290
Did you talk to him?

246
00:09:04,290 --> 00:09:05,860
What was that?

247
00:09:05,860 --> 00:09:07,130
--You let him walk all over you.

248
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:08,250
It's just pathetic.

249
00:09:08,250 --> 00:09:09,540
KEVIN: What are you
guys talking about?

250
00:09:09,540 --> 00:09:11,480
ANGELA: Nothing, Kevin.

251
00:09:11,480 --> 00:09:12,900
Do I know what the surprise is?

252
00:09:12,900 --> 00:09:13,750
Hell, no.

253
00:09:13,750 --> 00:09:15,270
It doesn't matter.

254
00:09:15,270 --> 00:09:17,350
The point is, they're
not unhappy anymore.

255
00:09:17,350 --> 00:09:20,760
They're out there thinking, wow,
my boss really cares about me.

256
00:09:20,760 --> 00:09:22,160
He has a surprise.

257
00:09:22,160 --> 00:09:23,330
He's cool.

258
00:09:23,330 --> 00:09:25,510
Why-- what a great guy.

259
00:09:25,510 --> 00:09:28,400
I love him.

260
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:32,200
I love him.

261
00:09:32,200 --> 00:09:33,880
OK, everyone.
Gather round.

262
00:09:37,490 --> 00:09:38,190
Step forward.

263
00:09:41,360 --> 00:09:43,090
It has been brought to my
attention that some of you

264
00:09:43,090 --> 00:09:44,380
are unhappy with my plan.

265
00:09:44,380 --> 00:09:47,520
So what I'd like you to do is
to fill this out and write down

266
00:09:47,520 --> 00:09:49,550
any diseases you have that
you might want covered,

267
00:09:49,550 --> 00:09:50,820
and I'll see what I can do.

268
00:09:50,820 --> 00:09:51,520
OK.

269
00:09:51,520 --> 00:09:52,250
You know what, Dwight?

270
00:09:52,250 --> 00:09:54,040
We can't write our
diseases down for you

271
00:09:54,040 --> 00:09:55,940
because that's confidential.
-OK.

272
00:09:55,940 --> 00:09:58,560
Well, I didn't say to write
your name down, did I?

273
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,030
Fill it out, leave
it anonymous or don't

274
00:10:01,030 --> 00:10:03,050
write any disease down at
all, and it won't be covered.

275
00:10:03,050 --> 00:10:04,010
Sound fair?
Good.

276
00:10:04,010 --> 00:10:05,660
All right, I'll be in my office.

277
00:10:05,660 --> 00:10:08,400
JIM: Workspace.

278
00:10:08,400 --> 00:10:10,390
You know what, come with me.

279
00:10:10,390 --> 00:10:14,850
We are going on a little
mission-- operation surprise.

280
00:10:14,850 --> 00:10:16,180
[PHONE RINGING]

281
00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:17,510
PAM: Where are you going?

282
00:10:17,510 --> 00:10:22,680
Um, headed out-- part of my
busy day, you know-- meetings.

283
00:10:25,330 --> 00:10:26,280
[LAUGHS]

284
00:10:26,280 --> 00:10:27,330
Couldn't find the knob.

285
00:10:29,970 --> 00:10:32,210
So basically, I
want to do something

286
00:10:32,210 --> 00:10:33,840
nice for my employees.

287
00:10:33,840 --> 00:10:36,180
Atlantic City, OK?

288
00:10:36,180 --> 00:10:39,770
They have this thing where they
send a bus, right-- for free.

289
00:10:39,770 --> 00:10:40,870
It picks everybody up.

290
00:10:40,870 --> 00:10:43,730
You head down there, get to
the hotel, room is comped,

291
00:10:43,730 --> 00:10:45,450
and they give you a
big pile of chips,

292
00:10:45,450 --> 00:10:48,810
and your food-- everything
just kind of all inclusive,

293
00:10:48,810 --> 00:10:51,360
free, kind of, weekend.

294
00:10:51,360 --> 00:10:52,920
I don't know of
anything like that.

295
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,610
But, um, you know
what you might want

296
00:10:54,610 --> 00:10:57,330
to do is just call those
casinos directly, uh, maybe?

297
00:10:57,330 --> 00:10:58,730
MICHAEL: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

298
00:10:58,730 --> 00:11:00,670
Well, I did so--

299
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:09,380
[PHONE RINGING]

300
00:11:13,760 --> 00:11:15,540
Wait, what are you writing?

301
00:11:15,540 --> 00:11:20,440
Don't write Ebola or mad
cow disease, all right?

302
00:11:20,440 --> 00:11:21,960
'Cause I'm suffering
from both of them.

303
00:11:21,960 --> 00:11:23,460
[LAUGHS]

304
00:11:23,460 --> 00:11:24,800
I'm inventing new diseases.

305
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:25,590
Oh, great.

306
00:11:25,590 --> 00:11:28,940
So, like, let's say that
my teeth turned to liquid

307
00:11:28,940 --> 00:11:31,280
and then they drip down
the back of my throat.

308
00:11:31,280 --> 00:11:32,580
What would you call that?

309
00:11:32,580 --> 00:11:34,370
I thought you said you
were inventing diseases?

310
00:11:34,370 --> 00:11:35,670
That's spontaneous
dento hydropolosion.

311
00:11:37,980 --> 00:11:38,960
Nice.

312
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:39,670
JIM: Thank you.

313
00:11:39,670 --> 00:11:42,160
MICHAEL: Callin' to ask you a
little favoroonie, my friend.

314
00:11:42,160 --> 00:11:45,300
Um, trying to give
the troops around here

315
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:48,540
a little bit of a boost,
and I was thinking

316
00:11:48,540 --> 00:11:51,110
that maybe we could
take 'em down to take

317
00:11:51,110 --> 00:11:53,460
a spin on your big ride.

318
00:11:53,460 --> 00:11:55,090
MALE (ON PHONE): You mean
the elevator that takes

319
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,880
you down into the mine shaft?

320
00:11:56,880 --> 00:11:58,800
It's not really a ride.

321
00:11:58,800 --> 00:12:03,580
It says here that
it's a 300 foot drop.

322
00:12:03,580 --> 00:12:05,780
MALE (ON PHONE): Well, it
goes 300 feet into the earth

323
00:12:05,780 --> 00:12:08,680
but it moves really slowly.

324
00:12:08,680 --> 00:12:10,460
So it's not a free fall.

325
00:12:10,460 --> 00:12:13,320
MALE (ON PHONE): It's an
industrial coal elevator.

326
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:15,640
MICHAEL: Uh, all right.

327
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:19,490
Well, once you get down
into the mine, what do you--

328
00:12:19,490 --> 00:12:21,950
you got laser tag or something?
OK.

329
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:22,650
OK.

330
00:12:22,650 --> 00:12:24,080
So I don't know what
the surprise is.

331
00:12:24,080 --> 00:12:24,890
Am I worried?

332
00:12:24,890 --> 00:12:25,750
No.

333
00:12:25,750 --> 00:12:26,480
No way.

334
00:12:26,480 --> 00:12:28,250
And see, I thrive on this.

335
00:12:28,250 --> 00:12:29,040
This is my world.

336
00:12:29,040 --> 00:12:30,190
This is improv.

337
00:12:30,190 --> 00:12:32,350
This is "Whose
Line Is It Anyway."

338
00:12:32,350 --> 00:12:35,160
[ANGRY GRUNTS]

339
00:12:35,160 --> 00:12:37,960
(ANGRY) Jim!

340
00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:40,600
All right, who did this?
I'm not mad.

341
00:12:40,600 --> 00:12:42,350
I just want to know who did
it so I can punish them.

342
00:12:42,350 --> 00:12:43,570
What are you talking about?

343
00:12:43,570 --> 00:12:46,910
Uh, Someone-- uh-- forged
medical information and that

344
00:12:46,910 --> 00:12:48,310
is a felony.
-OK.

345
00:12:48,310 --> 00:12:49,070
Whoa.

346
00:12:49,070 --> 00:12:51,280
All right-- 'cause that's a
pretty intense accusation.

347
00:12:51,280 --> 00:12:52,580
How do you know
that they're fake?

348
00:12:52,580 --> 00:13:01,120
Uh, leprosy, flesh eating
bacteria, hot dog fingers--

349
00:13:01,120 --> 00:13:02,710
[LAUGHTER]

350
00:13:02,710 --> 00:13:06,600
--government created killer,
nano-robot infection.

351
00:13:06,600 --> 00:13:07,960
[LAUGHTER]

352
00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:09,320
You did this, didn't you?
-Absolutely not.

353
00:13:09,320 --> 00:13:10,240
DWIGHT: Yes you did.
-No, I didn't.

354
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:11,510
I know it was you.
OK, fine.

355
00:13:11,510 --> 00:13:12,210
You know what?

356
00:13:12,210 --> 00:13:14,460
I'm going to have to interview
each and every one of you

357
00:13:14,460 --> 00:13:16,970
until the perpetrator
makes him or herself known.

358
00:13:16,970 --> 00:13:19,660
And until that time,
there will be no health

359
00:13:19,660 --> 00:13:21,130
care coverage for anyone!

360
00:13:24,870 --> 00:13:26,350
Killer, nano-robots?

361
00:13:26,350 --> 00:13:27,730
It's an epidemic.

362
00:13:27,730 --> 00:13:30,360
[ADDING MACHINE SOUNDS]

363
00:13:30,360 --> 00:13:31,560
The problem, Jim--

364
00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:32,350
JIM: Mm-hmm.

365
00:13:32,350 --> 00:13:35,300
--is that people who are
really suffering from a medical

366
00:13:35,300 --> 00:13:37,950
condition won't receive
the care they need

367
00:13:37,950 --> 00:13:40,880
because someone in this
office is coming up

368
00:13:40,880 --> 00:13:44,430
with all this ridiculous stuff.

369
00:13:44,430 --> 00:13:46,080
Count Choculitus?
[WHISTLES]

370
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:47,260
Sounds tough.

371
00:13:47,260 --> 00:13:49,860
Why did you write
that down, Jim?

372
00:13:49,860 --> 00:13:51,510
Is it because you know
I love Count Chocula?

373
00:13:51,510 --> 00:13:53,630
Do you?

374
00:13:53,630 --> 00:13:55,070
I think you need to confess--

375
00:13:55,070 --> 00:13:55,880
JIM: Mm-hmm.

376
00:13:55,880 --> 00:13:56,840
--the fact--
JIM: Yep.

377
00:13:56,840 --> 00:13:58,050
DWIGHT: --that--
What are you doing?

378
00:13:58,050 --> 00:13:59,040
[KEYS RATTLING]
JIM: What?

379
00:13:59,040 --> 00:13:59,740
Those are my keys.

380
00:13:59,740 --> 00:14:00,500
JIM: Good luck.

381
00:14:00,500 --> 00:14:01,460
DWIGHT: Jim!

382
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:02,160
Damnit!

383
00:14:02,160 --> 00:14:03,390
No!

384
00:14:03,390 --> 00:14:04,740
Jim, let me out!

385
00:14:04,740 --> 00:14:06,500
Jim, let--

386
00:14:06,500 --> 00:14:07,900
[KEYS LAND LOUDLY]

387
00:14:07,900 --> 00:14:09,810
The light green--
the green and the--

388
00:14:09,810 --> 00:14:11,690
[PHONE RINGING]

389
00:14:15,440 --> 00:14:16,230
Jim Halpert.

390
00:14:16,230 --> 00:14:17,230
DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Let me out.

391
00:14:17,230 --> 00:14:17,990
Who is this?

392
00:14:17,990 --> 00:14:19,100
DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Let
me out or you're fired.

393
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:19,910
No, you can't fire me.

394
00:14:19,910 --> 00:14:20,910
DWIGHT (ON PHONE): Yes, I can.

395
00:14:20,910 --> 00:14:22,450
I'm manager for the day.
-Mm-hmm.

396
00:14:22,450 --> 00:14:22,980
DWIGHT (ON PHONE):
Clean out your desk.

397
00:14:22,980 --> 00:14:23,690
[PHONE RINGING]
-OK.

398
00:14:23,690 --> 00:14:24,760
Can you hold on one second?

399
00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:25,880
I'm getting the, uh, beep.

400
00:14:28,970 --> 00:14:30,250
Jim Halpert.
PAM (ON PHONE): Hey, Jim.

401
00:14:30,250 --> 00:14:32,660
It's Pam.
-Hey, Pam.

402
00:14:32,660 --> 00:14:33,360
How are ya?

403
00:14:33,360 --> 00:14:33,900
DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE):
Jim, open the door!

404
00:14:33,900 --> 00:14:35,000
PAM (ON PHONE):
Good, how are you?

405
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,290
You busy?
-I'm doin' OK.

406
00:14:36,290 --> 00:14:37,590
Gettin' excited for
the weekend though.

407
00:14:37,590 --> 00:14:39,100
PAM (ON PHONE): Yeah.
-Yeah, what are you up to?

408
00:14:39,100 --> 00:14:39,580
DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim!

409
00:14:39,580 --> 00:14:40,800
PAM (ON PHONE): Um, I'm
not bothering you, am I?

410
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:41,560
No, not at all.
[BANGING ON WINDOW]

411
00:14:41,560 --> 00:14:42,300
PAM (ON PHONE): You don't
have anything you're doing?

412
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:43,740
I have nothing to do.
PAM (ON PHONE): Oh, great.

413
00:14:43,740 --> 00:14:44,040
DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim!

414
00:14:44,040 --> 00:14:45,510
PAM (ON PHONE): Um, yeah,
no, this weekend-- nothing.

415
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:46,590
I'm not really doing anything.

416
00:14:46,590 --> 00:14:47,410
JIM: Oh, yeah?
-Jim!

417
00:14:47,410 --> 00:14:48,810
PAM (ON PHONE): I
might go to the mall.

418
00:14:48,810 --> 00:14:49,830
The mall?
DWIGHT (IN LOCKED OFFICE): Jim!

419
00:14:49,830 --> 00:14:50,100
PAM (ON PHONE):
I need new shoes.

420
00:14:50,100 --> 00:14:50,800
[BANGING ON WINDOW]

421
00:14:50,800 --> 00:14:51,810
Oh, interesting.

422
00:14:51,810 --> 00:14:53,300
What kind of shoes?
[PHONE RINGING]

423
00:14:53,300 --> 00:14:54,830
JAN (ON PHONE): Hello?

424
00:14:54,830 --> 00:14:56,930
Hello, uh, this
is Dwight Schrute

425
00:14:56,930 --> 00:14:58,720
calling for Jan Levinson-Gould.

426
00:14:58,720 --> 00:15:00,750
JAN (ON PHONE): This is Jan.

427
00:15:00,750 --> 00:15:02,940
Hi, Dwight Schrute
calling-- acting

428
00:15:02,940 --> 00:15:04,530
manager, Scranton branch.

429
00:15:04,530 --> 00:15:07,400
Listen, I needed your
permission to fire Jim Halpert.

430
00:15:07,400 --> 00:15:09,160
JAN (ON PHONE): Who is this?

431
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,460
Dwight Schrute.

432
00:15:10,460 --> 00:15:12,550
JAN (ON PHONE): From sales?
-Well--

433
00:15:12,550 --> 00:15:13,960
JAN (ON PHONE):
Where's Michael Scott?

434
00:15:13,960 --> 00:15:16,460
Uh, he is not here right now.

435
00:15:16,460 --> 00:15:18,270
He put me in charge
of the office.

436
00:15:18,270 --> 00:15:19,140
[PHONE RINGING]

437
00:15:19,140 --> 00:15:21,040
JAN (ON PHONE): Dwight,
listen to me very carefully.

438
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:24,280
You are not a manager
of anything, understand?

439
00:15:24,280 --> 00:15:27,440
That's not entirely
true because he

440
00:15:27,440 --> 00:15:29,930
put me in charge of picking
the health care plan.

441
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:31,090
JAN (ON PHONE):
(SHOCKED) Really?

442
00:15:31,090 --> 00:15:32,540
DWIGHT: Yeah.
JAN (ON PHONE): OK.

443
00:15:32,540 --> 00:15:34,830
When Michael gets back, you
tell him to call me immediately.

444
00:15:34,830 --> 00:15:35,900
Call you immediately, good.

445
00:15:35,900 --> 00:15:36,600
JAN (ON PHONE): Yes.

446
00:15:36,600 --> 00:15:40,500
Oh, hey, listen, um, since
I have you on the phone, um,

447
00:15:40,500 --> 00:15:41,690
can I fire Jim?

448
00:15:41,690 --> 00:15:42,640
JAN (ON PHONE): No.

449
00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:45,110
And please, don't use
my cellphone ever again.

450
00:15:45,110 --> 00:15:46,870
Oh, this is your ce-- I
thought this was your--

451
00:15:46,870 --> 00:15:49,370
[DIAL TONE]

452
00:15:50,370 --> 00:15:52,250
[OFFICE CHATTER]

453
00:15:52,250 --> 00:15:53,580
[DOOR OPENING]

454
00:15:53,580 --> 00:15:55,270
MICHAEL: Hey, hey, everybody!

455
00:15:55,270 --> 00:15:58,100
Ice cream Sandwiches-- aaahhh!

456
00:15:58,100 --> 00:15:59,360
[LAUGHS]

457
00:15:59,360 --> 00:16:00,460
Here you go-- take
one, take one.

458
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:01,870
It's all good.
Phyllis, think fast.

459
00:16:01,870 --> 00:16:03,180
Ya-boom!

460
00:16:03,180 --> 00:16:04,730
Oh, oh, I see Angela, right?

461
00:16:04,730 --> 00:16:05,520
Angela, aaahhh!

462
00:16:05,520 --> 00:16:07,250
[LAUGHS]

463
00:16:07,250 --> 00:16:11,910
Hey, Tim, why don't you take
two because you don't get health

464
00:16:11,910 --> 00:16:14,500
care and uh, faster metabolism.

465
00:16:14,500 --> 00:16:17,080
Did you get the kind with
the cookies instead of the--

466
00:16:17,080 --> 00:16:19,510
Why don't you just eat it, OK?

467
00:16:19,510 --> 00:16:22,390
And here you go,
Stanley the manley.

468
00:16:22,390 --> 00:16:23,950
STANLEY: Ah, thanks.
-There you go.

469
00:16:23,950 --> 00:16:25,680
STANLEY: This isn't the
big surprise, is it?

470
00:16:25,680 --> 00:16:28,250
Because we've been having
a pretty horrible day.

471
00:16:28,250 --> 00:16:29,930
Uh, nope.

472
00:16:29,930 --> 00:16:30,630
Nope.

473
00:16:30,630 --> 00:16:32,150
This isn't the surprise.

474
00:16:32,150 --> 00:16:37,250
It's surprising because you
didn't expect it but you will--

475
00:16:37,250 --> 00:16:38,380
you'll know it when you see it.

476
00:16:38,380 --> 00:16:39,250
[THUD]

477
00:16:39,250 --> 00:16:40,120
[BANGING ON WINDOW]

478
00:16:40,120 --> 00:16:41,290
DWIGHT (IN LOCKED
OFFICE): Michael!

479
00:16:41,290 --> 00:16:42,950
Michael!

480
00:16:42,950 --> 00:16:44,930
Oh, for Christ's sake.

481
00:16:54,970 --> 00:16:57,030
I tried being rational, OK?

482
00:16:57,030 --> 00:16:58,310
And what happened?

483
00:16:58,310 --> 00:16:59,810
The employees went crazy.

484
00:16:59,810 --> 00:17:03,080
I got no help from corporate so
that leaves me with no options.

485
00:17:03,080 --> 00:17:05,680
I'm now going to read aloud your
submitted medical conditions.

486
00:17:05,680 --> 00:17:07,930
When you hear yours read,
please raise your hand

487
00:17:07,930 --> 00:17:09,300
to indicate that it is real.

488
00:17:09,300 --> 00:17:12,390
If you do not raise your
hand, it will not be covered.

489
00:17:12,390 --> 00:17:14,310
What about confidentiality?

490
00:17:14,310 --> 00:17:15,070
DWIGHT: You know what?

491
00:17:15,070 --> 00:17:17,230
You have forfeited
that privilege.

492
00:17:17,230 --> 00:17:19,360
I have tried to treat
you all as adults

493
00:17:19,360 --> 00:17:22,460
but, obviously, I am
the only adult here.

494
00:17:22,460 --> 00:17:23,790
Number one, inverted penis.

495
00:17:30,690 --> 00:17:32,740
Could you mean vagina?

496
00:17:32,740 --> 00:17:35,460
Because if you do,
I want that covered.

497
00:17:35,460 --> 00:17:36,590
I thought your
vagina was removed

498
00:17:36,590 --> 00:17:38,250
during your hysterectomy?

499
00:17:38,250 --> 00:17:41,730
A uterus is different
from a vagina.

500
00:17:41,730 --> 00:17:42,940
I still have a vagina.

501
00:17:54,140 --> 00:17:56,580
MICHAEL: Ugh.

502
00:17:56,580 --> 00:17:58,100
[SIGHS]
-OK.

503
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,260
Great.

504
00:17:59,260 --> 00:18:01,310
Dermatitis.
Thank you, Angela.

505
00:18:01,310 --> 00:18:03,060
I'll make sure that's covered.

506
00:18:03,060 --> 00:18:07,890
OK, now, who wrote this--
this hysterical one?

507
00:18:07,890 --> 00:18:09,150
Anal fissures?

508
00:18:09,150 --> 00:18:10,550
That's a real thing.

509
00:18:10,550 --> 00:18:11,780
DWIGHT: Yeah, but
no one here has it.

510
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:16,460
Someone has it.

511
00:18:29,040 --> 00:18:30,210
STANLEY: Do you
think we should go?

512
00:18:30,210 --> 00:18:32,150
OSCAR: I don't know but I
mean-- if this is important I

513
00:18:32,150 --> 00:18:33,650
don't want-- there he is.

514
00:18:33,650 --> 00:18:35,340
STANLEY: What is he doing?
OSCAR: I don't know.

515
00:18:44,460 --> 00:18:47,730
[SIGHS]
OSCAR: Well-- well?

516
00:18:47,730 --> 00:18:49,280
Well, what?

517
00:18:49,280 --> 00:18:51,460
You could be
referring to anything.

518
00:18:51,460 --> 00:18:53,580
OSCAR: OK-- the
health care plan.

519
00:18:53,580 --> 00:18:55,050
Why did you put Dwight
in charge of that?

520
00:18:55,050 --> 00:18:56,070
He did a horrible job.

521
00:18:56,070 --> 00:18:58,600
Uh, Dwight?

522
00:18:58,600 --> 00:19:00,020
Did you raise benefits?

523
00:19:00,020 --> 00:19:01,740
-I most certainly did not.
-Oh, come on!

524
00:19:01,740 --> 00:19:02,930
That's horrible!

525
00:19:02,930 --> 00:19:05,150
Duh!

526
00:19:05,150 --> 00:19:07,770
Thanks, Dwight,
for a crappy plan.

527
00:19:07,770 --> 00:19:10,590
(DISINGENUOUS) Ugh, damn!

528
00:19:10,590 --> 00:19:14,240
Oh, mm, I wish I had
time to change it but--

529
00:19:14,240 --> 00:19:14,940
[SIGHS]

530
00:19:14,940 --> 00:19:17,510
--Jan needs it by five
and-- what time is it?

531
00:19:17,510 --> 00:19:19,650
What time is it? (RELIEVED)
Oh, it's after five.

532
00:19:19,650 --> 00:19:21,020
Uh, ugh.

533
00:19:21,020 --> 00:19:23,600
(DISINGENUOUS) It's awful!

534
00:19:23,600 --> 00:19:26,250
So, well, OK.

535
00:19:26,250 --> 00:19:29,750
See you guys on Monday.

536
00:19:29,750 --> 00:19:31,260
What about the surprise?

537
00:19:31,260 --> 00:19:33,450
Oh, yes.

538
00:19:33,450 --> 00:19:38,280
Exactly-- thank you,
Angela, for reminding me.

539
00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:38,980
Terrific.

540
00:19:38,980 --> 00:19:42,610
Um, before I tell everybody
what the big surprise is,

541
00:19:42,610 --> 00:19:47,020
would you like to tell me what
you think the big surprise is?

542
00:19:47,020 --> 00:19:49,350
STANLEY: We all think you
don't have a surprise.

543
00:19:49,350 --> 00:19:51,280
MICHAEL: All right, I
have some news for ya.

544
00:19:51,280 --> 00:19:54,240
There is a big surprise.

545
00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,540
And here it is!

546
00:19:56,540 --> 00:19:57,360
Here we go!

547
00:19:57,360 --> 00:20:04,740
And the big surprise
is-- brrrrrrrrr,

548
00:20:04,740 --> 00:20:06,210
drum roll, brrrrrrrr.

549
00:20:13,860 --> 00:20:15,810
[SIGHS]

550
00:20:23,580 --> 00:20:26,020
[BREATHES NERVOUSLY]

551
00:20:26,020 --> 00:20:30,500
When I am backed into a corner
that is when I come alive.

552
00:20:30,500 --> 00:20:32,740
See I learned improv
from the greats

553
00:20:32,740 --> 00:20:36,690
like, um, Drew Carey
and Ryan Stiles.

554
00:20:36,690 --> 00:20:40,010
Ah, this--

555
00:20:42,880 --> 00:20:45,280
[SIGHS]

556
00:20:49,120 --> 00:20:49,920
Robin Williams.

557
00:20:49,920 --> 00:20:52,860
Oh, man, would I love to
go head-to-head with him.

558
00:20:52,860 --> 00:20:54,780
Oh!
That would be exciting.

559
00:20:54,780 --> 00:20:56,390
(IMITATING ROBIN WILLIAMS)
I'm Mork from Ork.

560
00:20:56,390 --> 00:20:59,020
Well, I'm-- I'm Bork from Smork.

561
00:20:59,020 --> 00:21:00,890
Nanoo, nanoo.
Jibilee, Balubalu.

562
00:21:26,430 --> 00:21:27,930
[DOOR CLOSING]

563
00:21:27,930 --> 00:21:30,670
Oh, uh, Jan wants
you to call her.

564
00:21:58,870 --> 00:22:00,070
[TRUMPET SOUNDS]

565
00:22:01,270 --> 00:22:04,020
[NBC JINGLE]