- YESTERDAY, ANGELA MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE FIGURED OUT
THAT I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH HER HUSBAND.
SO I JUST HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE.
WHEN SHE COMES IN, IF SHE'S COLD
AND AWKWARD AND CRUEL TO ME, THEN GREAT,
IT'S BUSINESS AS USUAL.
GOOD MORNING. [clears throat]
- OSCAR...
[sighs]
CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION?
- [whispering] OF COURSE, ASK ME A QUE--
QUESTIONS.
- IS IT COOL IN HERE TO YOU?
- [hoarsely] YES, A LITTLE BIT.
[normal voice] YES.
- I THINK THE THERMOSTAT IS ACTING UP AGAIN.
- IT'S THE STUPID THERMOSTAT! THAT THING'S A CATASTROPHE.
SO I'M GONNA, UM, ON YOUR SUGGESTION,
GET SOMEONE TO FIX IT.
I'LL JUST GO DOWNSTAIRS.
- THANK YOU. - NO, THANK YOU, ANGELA.
SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I SHOULDN'T BE SURPRISED.
THIS IS A WOMAN WHO MARRIED A MAN
WHO IS OBVIOUSLY A HOMOSEXUAL.
BASICALLY, SHE HAS HER HEAD IN THE SAND.
IN A WAY, I FEEL SORRY FOR HER.
I GUESS THE UNIVERSE REWARDS TRUE LOVE.
[cheerful music]
♪
- WELL, WELL, WELL, IT'S FINALLY HAPPENED--
PAM HAS CEASED CARING.
- THESE ARE MY PAINTING CLOTHES.
I THINK I'M GONNA DO IT.
I AM REALLY GONNA START PAINTING
THE WAREHOUSE MURAL TODAY. [Jim applauds]
- SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO PUT ANOTHER COAT
OF PRIMER ON THAT, PAM?
QUEEN OF THE PRIMER, THAT ONE.
- YOU GOT THIS, BEESLEY.
ACTUALLY, DO YOU WANT ME TO COME DOWN
AND HELP YOU GET STARTED?
- ARE YOU AVOIDING YOUR PHONE CALL?
- WHAT? NO. YEAH, RIGHT.
AS IF.
TODAY, I WILL BE ASKING DAVID WALLACE
IF I CAN START WORKING PART-TIME,
BECAUSE THE SPORTS MARKETING COMPANY THAT I STARTED
REALLY NEEDS ME TO BE THERE.
- LAST WEEK, JIM WASN'T THERE,
AND THEY NAMED THE COMPANY ATHLEAD.
- I COULD HAVE PREVENTED THAT.
SO I HAVE TO TALK TO WALLACE.
- TELL THEM YOUR OPENING LINE. - [sighs]
HEY, DAVID, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A GUY WHO'S NOT HERE AS MUCH,
GETS PAID THE SAME AMOUNT OF SALARY,
AND HAS BIGGER FISH TO FRY IN PHILADELPHIA?
- I THINK IT'S GOOD. HE LIKES FISHING.
- THIS IS GONNA BE AWFUL.
- ONE OF MY JOBS IS TO INPUT CUSTOMER COMPLAINTS
INTO THE COMPUTER.
AND WHEN THEY'RE IN, I FILL OUT ONE OF THESE CARDS.
BUT THE INFORMATION'S ALREADY ON THE COMPUTER, SO...
WHY AM I FILLING OUT THE CARD?
I ASKED ANDY, AND HE TOLD ME TO "CHILLAX,"
AND THEN WENT AWAY ON A BIG LONG BOAT RIDE.
SO HERE WE ARE.
DON'T GIVE ME A POINTLESS OFFICE CHORE,
BECAUSE I WILL BUILD A LITTLE PAPER HOUSE.
FIGHT THE POWER.
[vending machine humming]
- MEET ME IN THE OLD PLACE, FIVE MINUTES.
I NEED YOU.
UGH.
- COME ON IN, THE WATER'S FINE.
- DWIGHT, IT'S NOT THAT KIND OF MEETING.
PUT YOUR CLOTHES BACK ON.
- I KNOW.
THAT'S NOT WHY I'M NAKED.
I ALWAYS WORK OUT WITHOUT MY CLOTHES.
- JUST PUT THEM ON! PUT ON YOUR CLOTHES.
I NEED YOUR HELP.
I NEED SOMEONE WHO CAN OPERATE OUTSIDE OF THE LAW.
UGH. - OH, I'M SORRY,
YOUR VIGILANTE PRIVILEGES ENDED WHEN YOU BROKE UP WITH ME.
IF I'M NOT IN YOUR PANTIES, I DON'T GO VIGILANTES.
WHY DON'T YOU ASK YOUR HUSBAND?
- MY MARRIAGE IS IN DANGER.
I DON'T KNOW WHO I CAN TRUST.
I NEED SOMEONE TO BE THERE FOR ME.
- [sighs] ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE WE TALKING?
SURVEILLANCE, WIRE-TAPPING? - SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
- YEAH, THE LESS I KNOW, THE BETTER.
I KNOW JUST THE GUY.
HE WAS A VOLUNTEER SHERIFF TOO. KICKED OFF THE FORCE.
- CAN YOU ARRANGE A MEETING? - I CAN TRY.
I'M GONNA USE SMS TEXT. - OKAY.
TEXT WENT THROUGH. - OKAY.
- ALL WE CAN DO IS SIT AND WAIT.
- OKAY. [phone vibrates]
- OH. LOOK AT THAT.
YEAH, HE'S FREE ANYTIME. NOT A PROBLEM.
- I MEAN, I CAN HANDLE ANY CLIENT ISSUES FROM PHILLY.
- YEAH, BUT I REALLY NEED SOMEONE IN THE OFFICE.
IF THERE'S A CRISIS-- THE MORE I THINK ABOUT IT--
- OH, YOU MEAN HANDLE IT IN PERSON.
OH, WELL, PHYLLIS AND STANLEY HAVE AGREED TO COVER FOR ME
WHILE I'M GONE. - THEY DID?
- YEP.
- OH, OKAY. WELL, THAT IS DIFFERENT.
IN THAT CASE, YES-- MAYBE THIS CAN WORK.
- OH, GREAT.
- WHY SHOULD WE HELP YOU?
- BECAUSE WE'RE FRIENDS.
- WHEN IS MY BIRTHDAY?
- UNFAIR. WHEN'S MYBIRTHDAY?
- I DON'T KNOW, BECAUSE WE'RE NOT FRIENDS.
- HOW ABOUT THIS--
YOU LET ME TAKE YOU TO LUNCH,
AND I MAKE MY CASE?
- NOW WE'RE TALKIN'. - ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH.
- MAKE IT GO TALLER.
- THAT'S THE IDEA.
- NO, NOT TALLER THIS WAY, TALLER THIS WAY.
- WELL, I'VE GOTTA BUILD A WIDER BASE FIRST
BEFORE I CAN GO HIGHER.
- YOU'RE NOT GETTING THIS, PETER.
MAKE IT GO WIDER...UP!
- WILL DO.
- WHAT ARE Y'ALL DOING?
- ME AND PETE ARE BUILDING A TOWER.
- COOL. IT SHOULD BE TALLER, THOUGH, RIGHT?
- OBVIOUSLY.
HE'S A SWEET KID, DARRYL,
BUT HE'S NOT THE SHARPEST GUY IN THE DRAWER.
- KEVIN, I CAN HEAR YOU.
- HUH?
- OW! DWIGHT! OW!
- GET IN THE VAN. - GOD!
- IS IT SAFE TO TALK?
- WELL, THIS DOCUMENTARY CREW HAS BEEN FOLLOWING
OUR EVERY MOVE FOR THE PAST NINE YEARS,
BUT I DON'T SEE THEM SO I THINK WE'RE GOOD.
- SO WHAT ARE YOUR CREDENTIALS?
- I STARTED FOLLOWING PEOPLE AROUND TO GET EXERCISE.
TURNS OUT I'M DAMN GOOD AT IT.
- DO YOU HAVE A GUN? - [snickers]
- DOES HE OWN A GUN? SHOW HER.
- YOU TELL ME.
- WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S THE RECEIPT FOR MY GUN.
- YOU DON'T CARRY IT WITH YOU?
- READ THE RECEIPT.
THAT'S A $300 GUN. SOMEONE COULD STEAL IT.
- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY GUNS
TREVOR'S HAD STOLEN FROM HIM?
- NOW I KEEP IT IN A SAFE.
- MM-HMM. GOOD SAFE? - OH, YOU TELL ME.
- WOW!
- I GUESS IF I MAKE A MISTAKE,
I CAN JUST PAINT OVER IT WITH A SHRUB OR SOMETHING.
IT'S JUST I THINK LESS OF PAINTINGS
WITH A LOT OF SHRUBS.
SO I'M GONNA LIMIT MYSELF TO ONE SHRUB.
- YOU PAINT WALL NOW?
- YEAH. PAINTING NOW.
I JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT...
- YOU PAINT NOW.
- IT'S PROBABLY GONNA BE A FEW MINUTES.
SO YOU CAN JUST GO BACK TO DOING WHATEVER YOU WERE DOING.
- I WAIT.
- SWEET. - YAY!
[applause]
- THIS NEXT CARD COMES TO US
THANKS TO MEREDITH PALMER,
WHO CALLED EASTERN PENNSYLVANIA SEMINARY
A, QUOTE, "SAUSAGE FACTORY."
- OH-OOOOH! [approving cheers]
BOOM! - BANG!
- YEP, YEP, YEP. - ALL RIGHT.
UP NEXT WE GOT A WHOLE LOTTA CREED.
- LET'S FIND OUT WHAT I DID. - ALL RIGHT.
- YOU GET HALF NOW, AND YOU GET HALF
UPON COMPLETION OF SAID JOB.
- AND THAT'S ALL OFF THE BOOKS? - OBVIOUSLY.
- NICE. NO TAXES.
- OKAY, SO EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE TARGET
IS IN HERE.
- SO WHAT'S THE JOB?
- MURDER.
- OKAY, THAT'S THE BIG ONE. THAT'S THE BIG "M."
- YOU CAN'T HAVE SOMEONE MURDERED.
- WHAT IF THEY DESERVED IT?
- WHAT DID THEY DO TO YOU, ANGELA?
- THEY'RE SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND.
- OH, MONKEY. OH, I FEEL FOR YOU.
- THIS SEEMS A LITTLE CRAZY. - YES. CRAZY.
- THANK YOU. - BUT I THINK I'M UP FOR IT.
- NO! NO! - THANK YOU.
- ABSOLUTELY NOT. THERE ARE A LOT OF DIFFERENT WAYS
TO GET REVENGE.
I'VE HAD GREAT SUCCESS BY DEFECATING
IN A PAPER BAG, PUT IT ON THE PORCH--
- THAT'S VERY EFFECTIVE.
I'VE BEEN ON THE RECEIVING END OF THAT QUITE A FEW TIMES.
IT'S DEVASTATING. - NO, NO, NO.
IT HAS TO BE PHYSICAL. I WANT THIS PERSON TO SUFFER.
- WHAT ABOUT A KNEE-CAPPING?
- NO! YOU'RE NOT HELPING, TREVOR!
- YES, A KNEE-CAPPING COULD WORK.
- NO. ANGELA! WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
- YOU SAID YOU WOULD BE THERE FOR ME.
- I'M TRYING, BUT WHAT YOU'RE ASKING IS--
- IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT WILL MAKE THIS RIGHT.
- OKAY.
BUT IT'S CRUEL, BECAUSE A WOMAN WITH DAMAGED KNEES
CAN'T SCRUB WORTH A DAMN.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN IT'S SETTLED.
ONE KNEE-CAPPING.
NOW, THE HIT GOES DOWN AT 4:00.
KEEP IN MIND, ONCE I LEAVE, THERE'S NO TURNING BACK.
- YOU KNOW, TRUTH BE TOLD,
I THINK ALL YOU'LL REALLY BE DOING IS
ACCEPTING CALLS FROM MY CLIENTS WHILE I'M GONE.
- WE'VE GOT ALL AFTERNOON TO TALK ABOUT THAT.
- MORNING, FOLKS. - I'LL HAVE THE SURF AND TURF
WITH A SIDE ORDER OF LOBSTER.
- ACTUALLY, THE SURF AND TURF DOES COME WITH LOB--
- NOT ENOUGH LOBSTER. SIDE ORDER.
- HOW MUCH WINE DO YOU HAVE?
- I BROUGHT YOU A COOKIE.
- OH, THANKS, OSCAR.
YOU'RE SUCH AN ANGEL.
- I JUST GAVE HER A COOKIE, AND SHE CALLED ME AN ANGEL,
SO...YEAH, WE'RE GOOD. YEAH. [exhales]
WE DODGED A BULLET, YES. OKAY.
YEAH. YEAH, YEAH-- WELL, I GOTTA GO NOW, BUT--
OKAY, BYE. BYE.
- THERE WE GO. [cheers and applause]
- NICELY DONE. VERY NICELY DONE.
- ALL RIGHT, THIS NEXT ONE GOES TO DARRYL
FOR POCKET DIALING A CUSTOMER WHILE HAVING SEX.
- OOOHH...YOU SALTY DOG.
- WELL, YEAH, WHAT CAN I SAY, A PLAYER'S GOTTA PLAY.
- THERE YOU GO.
- ACTUALLY, THAT WAS THE SOUND OF ME EATING SPAGHETTI.
BUT I'M GONNA LET THEM THINK THE OTHER THING.
- OKAY, I GOT THIS ONE. - OH, BE CAREFUL.
BE CAREFUL, BE CAREFUL. - NO, I GOT IT.
EASY DOES IT, EVERYONE.
NOBODY EVEN TAKE A BREATH.
[overlapping shouts]
- KEVIN!
[overlapping chatter] - WHAT DID I SAY?
WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
- HEY, HEY, HEY, IT'S JUST A MISTAKE.
JUST A MISTAKE. THAT'S WHAT THIS TOWER'S ALL ABOUT--
MISTAKES.
OKAY, IF YOU'RE AFRAID OF SCREWING UP,
THE TOWER'S NOT FOR YOU.
SHOW OF HANDS--WHO HERE HAS NEVER HAD A COMPLAINT?
THAT'S RIGHT. NOBODY.
SEE THAT? NOBODY. OKAY?
LET'S GET BACK TO WORK, HUH?
COME ON, YOU IN?
YEAH. THERE WE GO. ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO IT.
- YOU KNOW, AT THE END OF THE DAY
IT'S REALLY ONLY TWO DAYS, REMEMBER.
I MEAN, I'LL BE BACK IN THE OFFICE.
IF YOU NEED ME FOR AN EMERGENCY, CALL ME.
I'LL BE THERE-- - YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW WHERE THE YEARS WENT.
'CAUSE SOMETIMES WHEN I LOOK AT MY HANDS,
I DON'T EVEN RECOGNIZE THEM.
- TELL ME ABOUT IT. - WHOSE HANDS ARE THESE?
THEY'RE NOT MY HANDS. I DON'T KNOW.
- ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?
MAYBE WE'LL JUST-- - UHH--
- WE'LL GO SLOW. - NO. JIM...
[bottle clangs]
- ALL RIGHT, CHECK IT OUT, HUH?
[cheers and applause]
LIKE A PHOENIX FROM THE ASHES. KSSHHHH!
- NICE.
- PRETTY SOON, WE'RE GONNA BE AT THE CEILING.
- WHOO! - CAN YOU HAND ME A CARD?
- UM, IT'S EMPTY.
- WHAT? - OH, COME ON.
WE COULD USE A BLANK CARD.
all: NO! - THAT'S CHEATING.
- I COULD GET US A COMPLAINT.
- YOU? LITTLE MISS PRISS?
YOU WOULDN'T FART ON A BUTTERFLY.
- NO, I WOULDN'T.
I CAN'T EVEN RELATE TO THAT IMPULSE.
BUT I BET I COULD GET US A CUSTOMER COMPLAINT.
I'D LIKE TO TRY.
- HMM. YEAH. - ALL RIGHT.
- YEAH, GO, PAM! PAM...
[all chanting "Pam"]
- WHAT? WHY DID YOU CALL ME OUT HERE?
- THE TARGET-- IT'S OSCAR, ISN'T IT?
HE AND THE SENATOR ARE GAYING EACH OTHER.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- YOUR NOSTRILS TELL A DIFFERENT STORY.
THEY FLARE LIKE THAT EVERY TIME YOU'RE ENGAGING IN DECEPTION.
HELLO AGAIN, NAUGHTY NOSTRILS.
- FINE! IT'S OSCAR. SO WHAT?
- WELL, I COULD UNDERSTAND YOU WANTING
TO GET A STRANGER'S KNEES WHACKED.
BUT A CO-WORKER-- DARE I SAY A FRIEND?
- EXACTLY, A FRIEND.
SOMEONE WHO SITS NEXT TO YOU YEAR AFTER YEAR,
MAKING CHITCHAT AND SMILING,
AND ALL THE WHILE RUNNING BEHIND YOUR BACK
AND DEFILING YOUR MARRIAGE AND SEDUCING YOUR HUSBAND.
- I CAN'T EVEN IMAGINE HOW PAINFUL THIS MUST BE FOR YOU.
BUT THE FIRST ONES TO BREAK YOUR MARRIAGE VOWS
WERE YOU AND ME.
- WELL, YOU MIGHT BE RIGHT, BUT IT'S TOO LATE NOW.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? - HE'S HERE.
- NO! NO, NO! [groans]
- OSCAR?
OSCAR. OSCAR. GOOD. LISTEN.
HEY, COME WITH ME. - WHAT?
- COME--COME WITH ME. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
- THERE ARE A BUNCH OF CONSTRUCTION WORKERS
IN THE WAREHOUSE WITHOUT THEIR TROUSERS,
DRINKING DIET SODAS.
YOU HAVE GOT TO SEE THIS. THEY'RE EXTRAORDINARY.
- YAHTZEE.
- SANDWICH DELIVERY FOR MR. OSCAR MARTINEZ.
- I AM OSCAR MARTINEZ.
- NO, NOT HIM, NOT HIM. OUTSIDE.
- WHA-WH--
- YOU KNOW, THERE'S DOUGHNUTS IN THE BREAK ROOM.
- NICE! - YEAH.
- LISTEN, I WAS REALLY WONDERING
IF MAYBE WE COULD LOCK THIS DOWN BEFORE LUNCH IS OVER.
- DON'T BE PUSHY, JIM. IT'S TACKY.
- ALL RIGHT. PHYLLIS!
PHYLLIS, THAT'S-- THAT'S DECORATIVE.
- NO, THERE'S WINE IN HERE.
- STILL DECORATIVE. - IS IT WHITE WINE?
- NO. MAYBE STOP WITH THE--
DON'T POKE PEOPLE WITH KNIVES.
- [groans] HA HA! - PHYLLIS!
- WOW.
- BRING IT OVER. - GOT IT.
- THERE'S NO TIME TO EXPLAIN.
OKAY, ACTUALLY, THERE IS TIME TO EXPLAIN.
WHEN ANGELA FOUND OUT THAT YOU SEDUCED HER HUSBAND,
WE HIRED A GUY TO BREAK YOUR KNEECAPS.
- OH, MY GOD! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
THERE ARE A MILLION GORGEOUS GUYS
IN THE SCRANTON WILKES-BARRE AREA,
AND YOU CHOOSE THE MAN WHO'S THE FATHER OF HER CHILD?
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.
- OH, DON'T LIE. I'M TRYING TO SAVE
THOSE PRECIOUS KNEES YOU'RE ALWAYS BRAGGING ABOUT.
NOW, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. HE COULD BE RIGHT BEHIND US.
AAH! ACTUALLY, HE'S RIGHT IN FRONT OF US.
- LET'S GET IT ON. I'M GONNA DO THIS.
I MIGHT--I MIGHT PUKE, BUT I'M GONNA DO THIS.
- NO, TREVOR, I AM NOT GONNA LET YOU.
HE'S A DUNDER MIFFLIN MAN. HE'S MY TRIBE.
- I'M SORRY, DWIGHT, BUT FOR ONCE IN MY STUPID,
STUPID LIFE, I'M GONNA FOLLOW THROUGH ON SOMETHING,
ALL RIGHT? I HAVE MASCULINITY ISSUES--
- STOP! NO! - I GOT IT.
- DISARM! - YOU DON'T--
[all grunting]
- DON'T MOVE.
- AND DISARM NOW!
- OKAY. OKAY, OKAY...
- NO, OSCAR, NO. NO, HE'S A FRIEND.
HE'S A FRIEND.
- OKAY, THE CLIENT IS HEYMONT BRAKE AND TIRE.
THEY'RE FAMILY-OWNED, BUT DON'T LET THAT TAKE AWAY YOUR EDGE!
- COME ON, PAM, I KNOW YOU CAN FAIL.
I SEE FAILURE IN YOU.
- REMEMBER, YOU'RE A SCUMBAG,
SO YOU THINK SCUMMY THOUGHTS. LIKE THIS.
- HELLO, THIS IS PAM HALPERT.
I'M CALLING FROM DUNDER MIFFLIN.
YES, YOUR PAPER PROVIDER.
AND I JUST CALLED TO SAY...
YOUR MAMA IS SO FAT, WHEN SHE WEARS RED,
PEOPLE YELL, "HEY, KOOL-AID."
YEAH, YOUR MAMA'S FAT. THIS IS PAM HALPERT.
- DID SHE BUY IT? - DID THEY SAY ANYTHING?
- I DON'T KNOW. I COULDN'T TELL. I DON'T--
- WERE THEY ANGRY?
- I--I FELT LIKE THEY WERE CONFUSED, AT LEAST.
- OKAY. [phone rings]
- DUNDER MIFFLIN. THIS IS ERIN.
- YES, YOU CAN. OKAY.
I WILL MAKE SURE THAT GOES ON FILE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE JUST LOST A CLIENT!
[all cheer] - NICE. NICE.
- YOU DID GOOD. YOU DID GOOD. - SEE YA LATER, HEYMONT.
- NO. - OH. OH...
- IF YOU CHASE ME, I WILL RUN SO FAST.
IF YOU CATCH ME, I WILL BITE SO HARD.
- GOT IT? GOOD-BYE, MY FRIEND.
- WHAT THE HELL, DWIGHT? - SEE YOU LATER, TREVOR.
- YOU ARE INCORRIGIBLE!
- I JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE. YOU'RE WELCOME!
- YOU HIRED SOMEONE TO HIT ME WITH A PIPE!
- YOU DESERVED EVERY BIT OF IT!
YOU MADE MY HUSBAND GAY.
- WHAT--WHAT I DID WAS WRONG,
AND I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT EVERY DAY.
BUT YOUR HUSBAND ISGAY. HE WAS GAY WHEN YOU MARRIED HIM!
- NO. NO. - ANGELA, UNTIL YOU FACE THAT,
YOU'RE GONNA BE CONFUSED AND ANGRY FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.
BUT IF YOU WANT TO BLAME ME FOR THE WHOLE THING,
GO AHEAD-- I WON'T STOP YOU.
HIT ME. YOU HAVE MY BLESSING. HIT ME.
- WELL, ARE YOU GONNA LET GO OF IT?
BECAUSE PART OF THE BLAME IS DEFINITELY ON YOU.
- ANGELA, IT'S A LEAD FREAKING PIPE.
- GOD! - AAH!
- YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE MY FRIEND.
- I'M SO SORRY. ANGELA-- - OSCAR.
- OUR CROWNING COMPLAINT CARD COMES TO US
THANKS TO PAMELA HALPERT...
[cheers and applause]
FOR INSULTING A CLIENT'S RECENTLY DECEASED MOTHER.
- YES! - I DID NOT KNOW THAT.
- WELL, A WOMAN WHO STRUGGLED WITH OBESITY ALL HER LIFE.
- I'M SO SORRY. - WOW.
- YEAH, THAT'S-- THAT IS TERRIBLE.
[cheers and applause]
- YOU DID IT. - YEAH!
- I FEEL SO STUPID
I SIT NEXT TO HIM EVERY DAY.
- YOU'RE NOT STUPID. JAZZ IS STUPID.
- JAZZ IS STUPID!
I MEAN, JUST PLAY THE RIGHT NOTES!
- I KNOW.
YOU'RE GONNA BE OKAY, MONKEY.
- I DON'T LIKE YOUR FRIEND TREVOR.
- I DON'T LIKE HIM EITHER.
AND YET, I REALLY LIKE HIM.
- WELL, WE'RE HERE.
PERFECT.
- WE'RE GONNA COVER FOR YOU, YOU KNOW.
[Stanley chuckles]
- PHYLLIS, WHAT WAS THAT?
PHYLLIS, ARE YOU DREAMING, OR--
- I DID ENJOY GRINDING YOUR BEANS, SON.
- YEAH, WE REALLY DID PEEL YOUR GRAPES.
- THIS IS HILARIOUS, BUT WE'RE GONNA STOP WITH ALL--
- SHUCKIN' YOUR PEAS. - SHUCKIN' THE PEAS.
YOU SHOULD GO BACK TO THE FIRST PART, THOUGH.
YOU ARE GONNA COVER FOR ME?
- YEAH. - OF COURSE WE ARE, JIMMY.
WE LOVE YOU GUYS.
- OH, MY GOD, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
- IF YOU'RE AN ARTIST, YOU HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH THE IDEA
THAT YOU CAN'T PLEASE EVERYBODY ALL THE TIME.
- YOU PAINT VERY BAD-- - SHUT UP, HIDE!
I MEAN, DO YOU THINK KEVIN CARES
WHAT PEOPLE THINK ABOUT HIM-- OR CREED OR MEREDITH?
[all cheering]
OH, MY GOSH, THESE ARE MY ROLE MODELS NOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M OKAY WITH THAT.
- WHERE DOES GAYNESS COME FROM,
AND HOW IS IT TRANSMITTED?
- THAT IS-- THAT IS A LOADED QUESTION.
- MY PASTOR SAID IT CAN COME FROM BREAST FEEDING.
- HE SAID THAT?
- WELL, HE DIDN'T FIGHT ME HARD ON IT.
- I--I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S TRUTH TO--TO, UH, THAT.
- WHAT IS IT CALLED WHEN TWO MEN
INTERTWINE THEIR PENISES
LIKE THE SNAKES ON THE MEDIC-ALERT BRACELET?
- OH...UH...
- IS IT CALLED RED-VINING? - IS IT CALLED RED-VINING?
- I--I DON'T--
- WE HEARD IT WAS CALLED RED-VINING.
- PEOPLE RED-VINE.
- WHERE ARE GAY MEN'S VAGINAS?
- THEY DON'T HAVE VAGINAS.
- WHAT?
- NO. THEY'RE JUST REGULAR MEN
- WHEN TWO GAY MEN HAVE SEX,
HOW DO THEY KNOW WHOSE PENIS WILL OPEN UP
TO ACCEPT THE OTHER PERSON'S PENIS?
- UH...WOW.