[elevator bell dings]
[buzzer]
- "THE TEA IN NEPAL IS VERY HOT."
- "BUT THE COFFEE IN PERU IS MUCH HOTTER."
[buzzer]
- LAST WEEK, I FINALLY BECAME PERMANENT MANAGER
OF DUNDER MIFFLIN SCRANTON!
MY FIRST PROJECT: INCREASE SECURITY.
I GOT THESE DOORS FROM A JEWELRY STORE
THAT HAD RECENTLY GONE OUT OF BUSINESS.
NOW THEY'RE PROTECTING
AMERICA'S REALTREASURE-- PAPER.
EVERY MORNING, I EMAIL THE DAY'S SECURITY CODES.
SOMETHING THAT'S BEEN REALLY MISSING FROM MY LIFE
HAS BEEN WRITING SECRET CODES.
IT'S NOT THE KGB, BUT IT'S A START.
[buzzer]
- "THE TEA IN NEPAL IS VERY HOT."
- "BUT THE COFFEE IN PERU IS FAR HOTTER."
- CLOSE.
- THIS IS TUESDAY, RIGHT?
THE--THE COFFEE IN PARAGUAY IS FAR HOTTER?
- COLDER.
- "THE COFFEE IN PARAGUAY IS COLDER?"
- NO, I MEANT YOU WERE GETTING COLDER.
THE CORRECT RESPONSE IS,
"THE COFFEE IN PERU IS MUCHHOTTER."
- OH, MUCH.OKAY.
- BUT THAT'S THREE WRONG,
SO I GOTTA GIVE YOU THE STEAM.
- NO.
- UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO BREAK PROTOCOL.
- NO, NO. GIVE ME THE STEAM.
[hangs up phone receiver]
[steam whooshes]
IT'S JUST HARMLESS STEAM TO PANIC INTRUDERS.
I'D LIKE TO GET HARMFUL STEAM, BUT THE PRICES ARE ABSURD.
BREAK PROTOCOL! BREAK PROTOCOL! BREAK PROTOCOL!
- OH, I'M SAVING A FORTUNE ON DRY-CLEANING.
[cheerful music]
♪
- MAMA.
- ANGELA, SOMEONE WANTS YOU.
- OKAY. COMING.
[baby crying]
HI, BABY.
- ANGELA'S DIVORCE FROM THE SENATOR
HAS BEEN VERY DIFFICULT FOR HER.
WHEN SHE GOT KICKED OUT OF HER APARTMENT,
I INVITED HER TO MOVE IN WITH ME.
IRONIC THAT NOW IT'S ANGELA WHO'S LIVING IN THE CLOSET.
HEY-O.
- GO GET 'EM, HONEY.
- OH, DON'T WORRY. THEY'LL GET GOT.
[laughs]
MANAGER OF DUNDER MIFFLIN, CHECK.
OWNER OF A 1,600-ACRE BEET FARM, CHECK.
ENGAGED TO BE MARRIED TO AN ACTUAL MILKMAID.
CHECK...ON THAT LATER TODAY.
THIS IS MY GRANDMOTHER'S RING.
IT WAS MADE FROM A BULLET I TOOK OUT OF HER LEFT BUTTOCK.
SHE WAS A MOONSHINER SHOT BY ADOLPH COORS.
THIS IS MY GRANDMOTHER'S BUTTOCK BULLET RING.
[background chatter]
- HI. GOOD MORNING.
NAME IS ANDREW BERNARD.
YOU MIGHT KNOW ME FROM A TV DOCUMENTARY
THAT'S PREMIERING TONIGHT.
ALSO KILLED IT IN LOCAL THEATER,
AND I AM FRESH OFF OF A HOT INDUSTRIAL FLICK.
- OKAY. THANKS.
GO AHEAD AND GET IN THE BACK OF THE LINE.
- YES!
[overlapping chatter]
WELL, I BURNED ALL MY BRIDGES AT DUNDER MIFFLIN,
AND TIME TO BECOME THE NEXT AMERICAN IDOL
BY WINNING AMERICA'S NEXT A CAPPELLA SENSATION
ON CHANNEL TBD.
IT'S A REALLY COOL SHOW.
IT'S LIKE A TOTAL REINVENTION
OF THE WHOLE AMERICAN IDOL/VOICE/SING-OFFPHENOMENON.
ON THIS SHOW, ALL THREE JUDGES ARE MEAN.
[overlapping chatter]
- SALES FORM FOR YOU TO SIGN.
- YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO.
OKAY.
BEHIND EVERY GREAT REGIONAL MANAGER
IS A GREAT ASSISTANT TO THE REGIONAL MANAGER,
AND I HAVE CHOSEN ONE OF THE BEST.
- AW, THANKS, MAN.
- ONCE UPON A TIME, WE WERE NATURAL ENEMIES,
BUT WE'VE OVERCOME OUR DIFFERENCES,
MUCH LIKE GERMANY AND ITALY IN WORLD WAR--
- NO.
- GOOD CALL.
TOGETHER, WE RUN A NO-NONSENSE OFFICE.
- PRE-CONFERENCE ROOM MEETING WITH DWIGHT WENT REALLY WELL.
- OH. BODES WELL FOR THE POST-CONFERENCE ROOM MEETING.
- ALL DEPENDS ON THE CONFERENCE ROOM MEETING ITSELF.
[musical ringtone]
UH, OKAY.
- IS THAT THEM AGAIN?
- YEAH.
- MAYBE YOU SHOULD CALL BACK.
- I WILL.
I WILL.
THE GUYS AT ATHLEAD ARE STILL BUGGING ME
ABOUT THIS THREE-MONTH ROAD SHOW THING.
MEETING ATHLETES ON THEIR HOME TURF,
BUILDING RELATIONSHIPS.
YEAH, IT SOUNDS EXCITING.
BUT I SAID NO, AND THAT'S FINAL.
I ALMOST LOST PAM OVER THIS BUSINESS.
I'M NOT RISKING THAT AGAIN.
- WHEN JIM DECIDED TO COME BACK TO SCRANTON FULL-TIME,
I WAS RELIEVED, BUT I ALSO FEEL A LITTLE GUILTY.
I MEAN, HE'S GIVING UP THIS BIG THING FOR ME.
BUT HE SEEMS HAPPY.
I MEAN, HE'S CERTAINLY BEEN GOOFING AROUND A LOT.
I LOVE GOOFY JIM.
- WELCOME.
- HE WELCOMES YOU.
- PLEASE TAKE AN AGENDA ITEM.
- YOUR AGENDA-TAKING PLEASES HIM.
- HAVE A SEAT, PHYLLIS.
THERE WE GO.
AS YOU KNOW, I LIKE TO BEGIN EACH DAY
WITH AN INSPIRATIONAL QUOTE.
"SOME SAY THE ONLY FAILURE THERE IS
IS THE FAILURE TO TRY."
[imitates buzzer] "THAT IS WRONG.
FAILURE OF ANY KIND IS FAILURE."
JIM, OVER TO YOU.
- LET'S NOT GET CRAZY
AND RUIN OUR NO-NONSENSE STREAK, ALL RIGHT?
SO FOR INSTANCE, IF YOU'RE EXPECTING A FAX TODAY,
PLEASE DON'T YELL OUT,
"MICHAEL J. FAX FROM FAX TO THE FUTURE!"
OKAY? THAT'S NONSENSE. - QUESTION.
- YES, BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE FRONT.
- WE ARE EXPECTING A WATER DELIVERY TODAY AT 10:00 A.M.
WHAT IF, AS THEY'RE DELIVERING THE WATER JUGS,
SOMEONE SCREAMS OUT, "NICE JUGS!"
- THAT'S OBVIOUSLY NONSENSE. NONSENSE.
AND WHAT PERCENTAGE OF NONSENSE
DO WE TOLERATE IN THIS OFFICE?
- 0%. - NO NONSENSE.
- NO. CAN'T HAVE NONSENSE.
- WHAT IS GOING ON?
- DAY CARE WON'T TAKE PHILLIP ANYMORE.
- WHY? - [sighs]
APPARENTLY MY STATION IN LIFE
HAS DESCENDED TO A DEPTH EVEN THEY WON'T FORGIVE.
SO HI.
- HI, BUDDY.
- OKAY.
UM, NEW AGENDA ITEM.
PHILLIP WILL BE JOINING US AT THE OFFICE TODAY.
- GOTTA WRITE THAT DOWN.
OKAY, BIG DAY TODAY.
AIRING OF THE DOCUMENTARY. WHO'S EXCITED?
- I'D BETTER COME OUT OF THIS SMELLING LIKE A ROSE.
I'VE BEEN ON MY BEST BEHAVIOR FOR NINE YEARS.
IF IT WASN'T FOR THE CAMERAS,
I WOULD'VE DONE SOME TRULY VULGAR CRAP.
- OVER THE COURSE OF THIS DOCUMENTARY,
I'VE HAD THREE AFFAIRS.
IF YOU FIND MY BODY IN A DITCH,
LET ME SAVE THE POLICE SOME TROUBLE.
MY WIFE DID IT.
- I'M LETTING YOU ALL OFF HALF AN HOUR EARLY
TO VIEW THE DOCUMENTARY, SO YOU CAN MAKE IT UP TO ME
BY WORKING AN EXTRA HALF AN HOUR TOMORROW
OR A MINUTE EXTRA FOR THE REST OF THE MONTH.
- OOH! ANNOUNCEMENT.
SOME OF US WHOSE TELEVISIONS GOT BROKEN
DURING AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SHRIMP COMMERCIAL
WILL BE WATCHING TONIGHT AT POOR RICHARD'S.
BUT NOTE, ALL ARE WELCOME, NOT JUST THOSE
WHO SAW AN ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT SHRIMP COMMERCIAL
AND CHARGED THEIR TELEVISIONS.
- I CAN'T BELIEVE THE DOC IS FINALLY GOING TO AIR.
WHEN THIS THING STARTED,
I WAS STILL HAVING SEX WITH WOMEN.
AS WAS KEVIN, I BELIEVE.
- THIS AIRS TONIGHT?
OH, MY GOD.
IF MY PARENTS SEE THIS, I AM TOAST.
[overlapping chatter]
- THIS IS REALLY HUGE.
THIS IS LIKE THE MARCH ON WASHINGTON,
BUT FOR A SINGING SHOW.
- WHOO-HOO!
- CAN YOU IMAGINE IF MARTIN LUTHER KING WERE HERE
AND SANG I DREAMED A DREAM FROM LES MIS?
WITH THAT BARITONE, THATWOULD BE HISTORIC.
- WHOO-HOO! CASEY DEAN! CINCINNATI, OHIO!
- WHOA. - ♪ DOCTOR, DOCTOR
♪ GIMME THE NEWS
♪ I GOT A GREAT CASEY DEAN FOR YOU ♪
- NO. - AMERICA WANTS IT!
- NO, THIS IS MY TIME. YOU DON'T BELT ON MY TIME.
I BELT ON MY TIME. - ♪ CASEY DEAN
- MAN, THOSE ARE SOME NICE PIPES!
- YEAH. - WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
- ANDY. WHAT'S YOURS?
- WHY DIDN'T YOU PACK THE APPLE SNACKS?
- GUYS.
- BECAUSE WHENEVER I PACK THE BAG,
YOU SAY I DO IT WRONG. - GUYS.
- WHY DON'T YOU PACK IT? - GUYS.
- KEVIN, WHAT? - KEVIN, WHAT IS IT?
- DO YOU WANT TO SEE A VIDEO
OF A WEATHERMAN WHO SAYS "BOLD FRONT"
INSTEAD OF "COLD FRONT"?
IT'S INSANE.
- NOT NOW, KEVIN. CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE BUSY?
PHILLIP NEEDS HIS APPLE SNACKS.
- SERIOUSLY, KEVIN.
I'M JUST GONNA HAVE TO GO TO THE STORE.
- OKAY, YOU GO TO THE STORE.
- PHILLIP, PHILLIP, PHILLIP.
IT'S ALL ABOUT PHILLIP.
I HATE PHILLIP.
[door opens]
- NOT NOW! PRIVATE TIME!
- I LOVE STAR WARS AS MUCH AS THE NEXT GUY--
- HEY, HEY. SERIOUSLY?
- MY GOD, I'M SO SORRY.
WELL, THIS MIGHT MAKE UP FOR IT.
I THINK I HAVE FOUND AN ENORMOUS SOURCE
OF OVERLOOKED P.F.N.
- WHICH IS, OF COURSE...
- POTENTIAL FUTURE NONSENSE.
- YES. GOOD ABBREVIATING, JIM.
THAT SAVED SOME TIME. NOW, HURRY UP. SHUT THE DOOR.
- [sighs]
- BREAK IT DOWN FOR ME.
- I'M GONNA NEED YOU
TO LOOK AT YOUR HIERARCHY MOBILE.
YOU'VE GOT A REGIONAL MANAGER. - THE POWER SOURCE.
- OBVIOUSLY, THE ASSISTANT TO THE REGIONAL MANAGER.
- A LOYAL BUT BUNGLING APOSTLE.
- BUT WHAT ABOUT THE ASSISTANTASSISTANT
TO THE REGIONAL MANAGER?
- SOMEONE TO WHISPER IN THE EAR OF THE CONSIGLIERE.
- EXACTLY.
- I'D HAVE TO GET SOME MORE WIRE AND STRING,
BUT IT'S DOABLE.
DO YOU THINK ANY OF THEM OUT THERE ARE CAPABLE?
- [scoffs] YEAH, RIGHT.
I MEAN, UNLESS THEY'RE WILLING TO PASS SOME TESTS.
- I LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT.
WHAT DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?
- WELL, I KNOW THIS SOUNDS CRAZY,
BUT HOW WOULD KING ARTHUR CHOOSE THE NEXT KNIGHT
OF HIS ROUND TABLE?
- THAT DOESN'T SOUND CRAZY, JIM.
THAT'S THE SANEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD.
- WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO?
- HMM? UM, UH, LOCKING IN MY STARTING NOTE.
♪ A 440
- OH, SWEET.
- A CAPPELLA IS ALL ABOUT PITCH,
AND I AM NOTHING
IF NOT A TOTAL PITCH BITCH.
- [laughs] - WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?
AND WELCOME TO AMERICA'S NEXT A CAPPELLA SENSATION!
[cheers and applause]
- OH, MY GOD! YOU'RE GORGEOUS!
- THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE.
AND WE HOPE TO SEE YOU GUYS
WITHIN THE NEXT FIVE TO SEVEN HOURS.
NOW, JUST TO GIVE YOU A COUPLE PARAMETERS OF THE SHOW,
EACH OF YOU WILL SING A SONG FOR 30 SECONDS,
AFTER WHICH OUR JUDGES WILL DECIDE
IF THEY WANT YOU IN THEIR A CAPPELLA GROUP.
NOW, EACH GROUP WILL START WITH 90 SINGERS,
WHICH WILL COMPETE IN A SERIES
OF SINGING AND PHYSICAL CHALLENGES.
OH, AND LOOK OUT FOR THAT PESKY MOLE!
[crowd murmuring]
- THERE'S A MOLE?
- OOPS. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO--
NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT.
ALL RIGHT. NO MOLE.
FORGET I SAID IT, ALL RIGHT?
- WHAT MOLE? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I ALREADY FORGOT ABOUT IT.
- GOOD MAN RIGHT THERE.
I'LL SEE YOU GUYS INSIDE.
GOOD LUCK, ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH!
POUR SOME SUGAR RAY ON ME!
- WHAT ARE YOU SO EXCITED ABOUT?
- NOTHING. - WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?
[laughs]
- MEMBERS OF THE OFFICE, HEAR YE.
- THAT MEANS YE, PLOP.
- "PLOP"? STILL?
- WE OWE ANDY THAT MUCH.
- ABSOLUTELY, WE DO. - AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?
- FINE.
- TODAY, WE WILL BE TESTING CANDIDATES
FOR THE POSITION OF ASSISTANT
TO THE ASSISTANT TO THE REGIONAL MANAGER.
- AW, HECK, YEAH. - NICE.
- YOU'LL ALWAYS HAVE THE UPPER HAND
WHEN YOU'VE GOT A GOOD "AARM."
TRADEMARK PENDING.
- THIS IS NOT AN EXCUSE TO BLOW OFF WORK
DOING CARNIVAL-LIKE ACTIVITIES.
SURE, EVERY PARTICIPANT WILL BE GETTING A CORN DOG,
BUT THAT'S FOR FUELING ONLY.
NO SAVORING.
- WOW. WHAT AN HONOR.
GOD, I ENVY THEM. - HE ENVIES YOU.
- YOU DON'T NEED TO REPEAT RIGHT NOW...
- ALL RIGHT. - WHAT I'M SAYING.
- BY 2:00, DWIGHT WILL CHOOSE HIMSELF
TO BE ASSISTANT TO HIS OWN ASSISTANT, ME.
- WHAT'S UP? - WHAT'S GOING ON?
HOW WAS THE DELIVERY?
- DELIVERED ALL MY FURNITURE TO PHILLY.
HEY, KEEP IT DOWN, THOUGH.
NOBODY KNOWS I'M HERE.
I HATE GOOD-BYES, SO LAST WEEK,
WHEN I LEFT DUNDER MIFFLIN FOR GOOD,
I PULLED THE OLD IRISH EXIT.
JUST SLIPPED OUT WITHOUT MAKING A BIG DEAL.
NO HARD FEELINGS. NO FEELINGS AT ALL.
[sighs]
- A GOOD ASSISTANT KNOWS WHAT THEIR SUPERIOR IS THINKING
BEFORE THEY EVEN THINK IT.
MEREDITH, WHAT NUMBER AM I THINKING OF RIGHT NOW?
- UH, TWO.
- 985,000,000,000,017.
- [scoffs] NOT EVEN CLOSE, MEREDITH.
COME ON! - OKAY. PAM.
WHAT SONG IS RUNNING THROUGH MY HEAD RIGHT NOW?
- THE THEME SONG FROM SAVED BY THE BELL.
- OH, MY GOD! IT WAS THE THEME SONG TO BOY MEETS WORLD.
- WAIT. NO, NO, NO, STOP.
SPOUSES CAN READ EACH OTHER'S MINDS.
YOU'RE TRYING TO GIVE YOUR WIFE THIS JOB.
- THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS DOING.
PLOP, WHAT ANIMAL AM I PICTURING?
- A HORSE.
- EW, THE EXACT OPPOSITE, ACTUALLY.
- WHAT'S THE OPPOSITE OF A HORSE?
- COME ON. - A SEA HORSE.
- SEA HORSE.
WHOA, HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT I WAS GONNA...
both: SAY THAT?
UNCANNY.
- CHALLENGE NUMBER TWO, PROTOCOL.
CLARK. - YEAH.
- DO YOU WANT A CORN DOG?
- I WOULD LOVE A CORN DOG. - WE'LL SEE.
YOU ARE AN ASSISTANT WHO'S JUST GOTTEN A PHONE MESSAGE.
I AM IN A MEETING WITH DWIGHT, ROBERT DUNDER, AND HIS NIECE.
UH-OH, LOOK WHO CAME TO JOIN US.
THE TURKISH AMBASSADOR TO ARMENIA,
YURI SLOVAK, WHO BY THE WAY,
IS EXTREMELY EMBARRASSED ABOUT THE SIZE OF HIS NOSE.
GO AHEAD AND READ THAT PHONE MESSAGE.
- "MR. HALPERT, YOUR WIFE CALLED TO FIND OUT
HOW YOUR MEETING WITH YURI BIG NOSE WENT."
- NO, NO, NO, NO!
YOU DON'T READ IT ALOUD LIKE THAT!
GOD! BESIDES, THE WHOLE THING IS A TRICK QUESTION.
THERE'S NO TURKISH AMBASSADOR TO ARMENIA.
THE TWO COUNTRIES DON'T HAVE DIPLOMATIC RELATIONS.
- UNCANNY.
- I JUST HOPE THAT IF MY BUDDIES WHO ARE STILL IN AFGHANISTAN
SEE ME WIN, THEY'LL FEEL LIKE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE.
- GREAT. MORE SCREEN TIME FOR THE WAR VET.
- [scoffs]
- ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS RISK YOUR LIFE FOR THIS COUNTRY,
AND EVERYONE GOES GAGA FOR YOU.
- OH, OVER AT THE PORTA-POTTIES,
THEY WERE INTERVIEWING A HOMELESS, SINGLE MOTHER
WITH THREE KIDS.
- WHAT? - YEAH.
- HOLD MY PLACE IN LINE.
- WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- THEY WANT FEEL-GOOD STORIES?
WAIT TILL THEY GET A GOOD FEEL OF ME.
- THANKS, MAN. - THANK YOU.
- YEP. TAKE CARE.
- DARRYL, HEY. - HEY.
- COOL. ARE YOU COMING BACK TO SAY HI?
- NO, NO. I'M NOT HERE, ACTUALLY.
THESE DOUGHNUTS ARE PART OF MY ESCAPE
FROM THE GUYS AT THE WAREHOUSE I DIDN'T SAY GOOD-BYE TO.
- AHA! HOW'S ATHLEAD? - WE'RE LIVING LIKE ROCK STARS.
I'M ABOUT TO EAT FREE STEAK WITH MY SPORTS HEROES
IN 32 DIFFERENT CITIES.
- WOW.
- JIM REALLY DOESN'T WANT TO COME?
- HE SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
- AH, MAN.
I HOPE HE DOESN'T REGRET IT.
- WELL, HE SEEMS REALLY HAPPY
BEING BACK HERE AT DUNDER MIFFLIN.
- [laughs] JIM IS HAPPY HERE, SELLING PAPER AT DUNDER MIFFLIN?
- THAT'S WHAT HE SAYS.
- IF YOU SAY SO.
HEY, GOOD SEEING YOU.
REMEMBER, I WAS NEVER HERE.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
[door opens]
- AN ASSISTANT BRINGS THEIR BOSS COFFEE
WITH SPEED AND DEXTERITY,
BUT AN ASSISTANT TOTHE ASSISTANT
HAS A THOUSAND TIMES MORE TO PROVE, AM I RIGHT?
- A THOUSAND TIMES MORE.
- I'LL TRY THIS ONE. - PHYLLIS.
GRAB BOTH THESE COFFEES, DOUBLE FIST IT,
AND HEAD THROUGH THIS OBSTACLE COURSE.
- OKAY. OOH, IT'S HOT.
- YEAH. IT'S REAL.
IT'S THE ONLY WAY YOU'LL LEARN. OKAY.
AND GO AHEAD.
OH, GOD, NICE.
SHE'S THROUGH THE GREEN, EVERYBODY.
HERE COMES YELLOW. - NO, NO, NO, NO.
- A REAL DOOZY. - OH, BOY.
- PHYLLIS, SERIOUSLY?
- LOOK AT THAT FORM.
- OH, MY GOD, THAT'S JUST PATHETIC!
THE BOSS NEEDS HIS COFFEE! - [gasps]
- WOW. - [grunts]
[gasps]
[grunts]
[gasps] HERE YOU ARE, SIR!
HERE'S YOUR COFFEE!
OW! MY SKIN! OW! OW!
AAH! IT BURNS! AAH!
AAH! AAH! [bell dings]
- UNCANNY.
[applause]
- DARRYL? DARRYL!
- WHOA.
- OH, HEY!
HEY, WHAT'S UP, Y'ALL?
- YOU LEFT US WITHOUT SAYING GOOD-BYE!
- OH. MY BAD.
GOOD-BYE, EVERYBODY.
- NO, THAT IS TOTALLY UNCOOL! - HEY, NO WAY!
- ARE YOU KIDDING?
YOU BROKE OUR HEARTS.
GET UPSTAIRS.
- I DON'T THINK I SHOULD--
- GET UPSTAIRS, MISTER!
- YEAH! - RIGHT NOW!
- GUESS I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
- YOU KNOW, DWIGHT,
THIS WHOLE SEARCH FOR THE ASSISTANT THING,
NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE GOOD ENOUGH.
- I KNOW.
- WHAT I'M ABOUT TO SAY
MAKES NO LOGICAL SENSE, AND YET IT MIGHT BE
THE MOST LOGICAL THING I'VE EVER SAID.
- JIM, THIS IS GONNA COME AS NO SURPRISE,
BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU WERE GONNA SAY.
THE ONLY POSSIBLE ASSISTANT TO MY ASSISTANT...
- IS...
- ME. - [clicks tongue]
THE NEW ASSISTANT TO THE ASSISTANT
TO THE REGIONAL MANAGER IS...
DWIGHT K. SCHRUTE. - YES!
- YES. [halfhearted applause]
- THANK YOU.
- I THINK YOU MIGHT WANT TO KNEEL FOR THIS.
AND YET, THE MANAGER FOR DUNDER MIFFLIN
KNEELS FOR NO MAN.
WAIT.
THAT'S IT. - OKAY.
- YOU LOOK REALLY, REALLY GOOD.
[applause]
- OKAY, FROM NOW ON,
ANYONE WHO NEEDS TO SPEAK TO ME
HAS GOT TO GO THROUGH ME FIRST, ALL RIGHT?
[exhales]
- HEY. - HEY.
- YOU ALL RIGHT?
WHAT'S GOING ON?
- ARE YOU HAPPY?
- YES, I'M HAPPY.
- NO, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE, LIKE, HAPPY,
AND, LIKE, YOU HAD FUN TODAY.
- YEAH. - AND THAT WAS FUN.
BUT WHAT ABOUT A YEAR FROM NOW? - WHAT?
- WHAT ABOUT FIVE YEARS FROM NOW?
- PAM.
- BECAUSE I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK, BABY,
BUT I'M JUST--I WAS TALKING TO DARRYL,
AND HE WAS TALKING ABOUT THE TRIP,
AND I JUST FEEL LIKE YOU'RE GIVING UP SO MUCH.
- THIS WAS MY DECISION, NOT YOURS.
- OKAY. - YOU DIDN'T FORCE ME.
- I KIND OF FORCED YOU TO DO IT.
- YOU DID NOT FORCE ME TO DO THIS.
- YES, I DID.
- I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO TELL YOU.
- I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA RESENT ME,
AND I'M AFRAID THAT... - RESENT YOU?
- THIS IS NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU,
AND I'M AFRAID THAT I'M NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU.
- IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU THINK?
NOT ENOUGH?
I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO EXPLAIN IT TO HER,
SO...YOU KNOW WHAT?
I KNOW IT'S AGAINST THE RULES,
BUT I'M GONNA NEED A FAVOR FROM YOU GUYS.
- OKAY. YOU GOT IT, MAN.
- YES, UH-HUH. [rhythmic tapping]
- KEVIN, KEVIN.
- OH, YOU KNOW MY NAME.
WELL, THAT IS SHOCKING.
- KEVIN, COULD YOU NOT DO THAT?
- WHAT?
I'M MOVING THE INK DOWN IN MY PEN, FOR WORK.
- HERE, USE MY PEN.
- DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!
both: SHH!
- I DON'T NEED THIS.
AND YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T NEED ME.
- KEVIN, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
- AWAY.
TELL PHILLIP THAT HIS STUPID LITTLE BABY WISH CAME TRUE.
- HE JUST WON'T GO DOWN.
IT'S AS IF HE'S EXCITED BY ALL THIS PAPER.
- I KNOW, EARLIER TODAY HE TRIED TO EAT
SOME OF THE 24-WEIGHT LETTER BOND.
- SMART BABY.
THAT'S THE MOST FLAVORFUL BOND.
- I DIDN'T REALIZE WE WERE THIS CLOSE.
- WE'RE ALL A LITTLE HORMONAL WITH THE DOC AIRING.
- ARE YOU GONNA COME TO POOR RICHARD'S
AND WATCH WITH US TONIGHT?
- UH...YEAH.
DEPENDING ON TRAFFIC.
- HE AIN'T COMING.
- OH, GOD!
- THESE DUDES ARE DEFINITELY IN A WEIRD MOOD.
PICKED THE WRONG DAY TO RETURN A TRUCK.
- ALL DAY LONG, IT'S MOO THE COWS
AND CLUCK THE HENS.
- MM-HMM. - GET THE SHEEP BAA-ED.
OINK THE PIGS.
- OINK THE PIGS, THAT IS VERY IMPORTANT.
- DWIGHT, I'M TELLING YOU ABOUT ALL THE THINGS
THAT MA SAID AFTER THE HORSE KICKED HER IN THE HEAD.
WHERE ARE YOU?
DWIGHT?
- THE WAY THAT BOY LOOKS AT THE GALACTICA
IS PRECISELY THE WAY I LOOK AT THE GALACTICA.
AND HE EATS THE SAME KIND OF PAPER I DO.
HMM.
OKAY, ESTHER. - BYE.
- YOU THREW THE SUMMONING BAG AT ME, SIR?
- I NEED YOU TO PERFORM A TEST.
- PERFORM A TEST. - ON AN INNOCENT BABY.
- OOH, I LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING.
UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE TODAY,
SO I'M GONNA HAVE TO HAND THIS OFF TO MY NUMBER TWO.
BUT DON'T WORRY,
HE'S THE BEST IN THE BIZ.
- DAMN STRAIGHT.
- UNLESS YOU THINK HE CAN'T HANDLE IT.
- HEY, HE CAN HANDLE IT. - ALL RIGHT.