- IN THE PAST YEAR,
I HAVE CONSOLIDATED THE ENTIRE SCRANTON PAPER MARKET.
WE REGAINED THE WHITE PAGES,
THE SCHOOL DISTRICT, LACKAWANNA COUNTY.
WE SUPPLY THEM ALL.
I'M GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW AFTERNOON,
AND IN THE MORNING, THERE'S A MINI REUNION--
A KIND OF "WHERE ARE THEY NOW" PANEL
AT A LOCAL THEATER.
IT'LL BE NICE TO SEE EVERYONE AGAIN.
[laughs] I HAVEN'T SEEN KEVIN SINCE WE LET HIM GO.
TODAY MARKS SEVERAL IMPORTANT MILESTONES.
STANLEY, AS YOU KNOW, IS RETIRING.
- [laughing]
- SPEECH! - NO!
AND OUR NEXT AND MOST THICKLY FROSTED CAKE
IS...FOR...KEVIN.
- YES! - [laughing]
- WAIT, WHY?
- GO AHEAD AND JUST READ THE FROSTING.
- "GET OUT"? - MM-HMM.
- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
- IT'S A COLLOQUIAL WAY OF SAYING "YOU'RE FIRED," KEVIN,
WHICH YOU ARE. - WHAT?
DWIGHT, YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
- THE CAKE HAS SPOKEN, PAM. SORRY! HEH.
WELL, IF ANYONE HERE CAN MAKE A CASE FOR KEVIN STAYING...
- DWIGHT...
[overlapping objections]
- BASED... ON HIS MERIT.
- OOH.
- WELL, TOBY'LL STOP IT.
ANYTIME ANYONE'S EVER BEEN FIRED,
TOBY'S BLOCKED IT, SO-- - YEAH, YEAH.
I DON'T THINK-- - TOBY, WAIT, WAIT.
HOLD THAT THOUGHT.
HERE'S YOUR CAKE.
BYE BYE, TOBY.
[Kevin sniffling]
- [crying] AT LEAST I GOT CHOCOLATE.
[cheerful music]
♪
- OKAY, THE LIMO'S GONNA BE HERE AT 5:00.
I NEED EVERYBODY TO BE READY 'CAUSE I WANT TO PACK IN A LOT.
- PARTYTIME WHOREHOUSE.
- UH, NO. NO WHOREHOUSE. THIS IS DWIGHT'S NIGHT, OKAY?
- WELL, YOU'RE THE BESTISCH MENSCH
- DWIGHT HAS MADE ME HIS BESTISCH MENSCH.
WHICH IS SCHRUTE FOR BEST MAN.
HE'S PUTTING HIMSELF ENTIRELY IN MY HANDS TONIGHT.
AND I KNOW, FOR OVER 12 YEARS,
I'VE DONE NOTHING BUT TRICK AND PRANK HIM.
BUT TONIGHT...
ONLY GOOD SURPRISES.
"GUTEN PRANKEN."
[chuckles]
- OH, HEY, JIM, I FORGOT MENTION.
OFTENTIMES, IN HOLLYWOOD PORTRAYALS OF BACHELOR PARTIES,
THERE ARE ACCIDENTAL MURDERS.
THAT WON'T BE NECESSARY TONIGHT.
- GREAT, NOW WE GOT THREE HOURS TO FILL.
- OKAY, HOLD ON.
ARE YOU SURE MOSE ISN'T GOING TO SHOW UP?
- EVER SINCE ANGELA MOVED IN
AND MOSE HAD TO STOP SLEEPING AT THE FOOT OF MY BED,
HE'S BEEN ACTING PRETTY WEIRD ABOUT THIS WHOLE WEDDING THING.
- MOSE HAS BEEN WEIRD? THAT'S SO UNLIKE HIM.
- OH, SOME FUDGE? - OH, THANKS.
I LOVE YOUR FUDGE.
- THANKS. - MM.
I THINK I GAINED A COUPLE POUNDS SINCE I GOT HERE.
- [laughing] OH, YOU CAN AFFORD IT.
- I BROUGHT IN SOME NEW FACES,
AND ONE OLD.
I ALWAYS LIKED DEVON.
I HIRED HIM BACK AFTER CREED FAKED HIS OWN DEATH
IN THE BALER THE DAY AFTER THE DOC AIRED.
THE ONLY PERSON HE FOOLED WAS KEVIN.
THEN THE POLICE SHOWED UP.
TURNS OUT, CREED WAS IN THE BAND
THE GRASS ROOTS IN THE 1960s.
DURING THAT TIME, THE POLICE SAY,
HE SOLD DRUGS AND TRAFFICKED IN ENDANGERED SPECIES MEAT
AND STOLE WEAPONS-GRADE LSD FROM THE MILITARY.
[indistinct chatter]
[car horns]
- YEAH, SURE, I'LL TALK ABOUT IT.
WHY NOT?
AMERICA'S NEXT A CAPPELLA SENSATION
AIRED MY AUDITION.
AND WHEN I STARTED SOBBING UNCONTROLLABLY,
APPARENTLY THAT STRUCK A CHORD WITH QUITE A LOT OF PEOPLE.
NOT A VERY COMPASSIONATE CHORD.
THE CLIP WENT VIRAL, AS THEY SAY.
- YOU CAN'T JUST SIT HERE AND CRY.
- OH, I CAN SO JUST SIT HERE AND CRY!
- TWO MILLION HITS IN THE FIRST WEEK...
AND THEN THE PARODIES STARTED.
ONE FROM THE PHILIPPINES GOT 12 MILLION HITS.
- [speaking native language]
- AND THE LATE NIGHT COMEDY GUYS HAD A FIELD DAY WITH IT.
- [fake crying] - OH, DON'T.
AW, COME ON, BABY WAWA. DON'T BE SUCH A BABY.
OH, NO.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
FOR WEEKEND UPDATE, I'M SETH MEYERS.
THAT'S BABY WAWA. GOOD NIGHT.
- BYE.
- HEY-OH! - ANDY?
- YOU'RE BACK? - YEAH.
- THAT'S BABY WAWA, RIGHT? OH, MY GOD!
- HEY, MAN, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
- YEAH. - ANDY.
- HEY! AW!
A BEAR HUG FROM MY FAVORITE MAMA GRIZZLY.
- ANDY, I'VE BEEN WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
HOW ARE YOU?
- A LITTLE WARM. - POOR, POOR ANDY.
- OKAY. [struggling]
AW.
THANK YOU, PHYLLIS. - HELLO, HELLO.
- HEY! - DAR-RYL!
- DARRYL! - HEY!
- HEY, WHAT'S UP?
- DIDN'T I JUST SEE YOU AT THE AIRPORT
JUMPING IN A LIMO? - WHAT?
MUST'VE BEEN ANOTHER DEVILISHLY HANDSOME,
DEBONAIR INDIVIDUAL. - HMM.
- HEY, MAN, HOW YOU DOING?
I, UM--I DIDN'T CALL 'CAUSE I FIGURED YOU CHANGED THE NUMBER.
- NO, I DIDN'T CHANGE THE NUMBER.
ALL GOOD, THOUGH. PHONE NEVER RINGS.
- WHAT! OHH!
- SURPRISE!
I THOUGHT YOU GUYS COULDN'T COME.
- YEAH, BUT THEN THEY MOVED THE PANEL
TO THE SAME WEEKEND,
AND THE DOC CREW PAID TO FLY US IN.
IT WAS KISMET.
- KISMET? YEAH, RIGHT.
PAM AND I CAME UP WITH EXCUSES FOR EVERY OTHER WEEKEND.
YOU REMEMBER MY TWO LAP BAND SURGERIES, RIGHT?
NEITHER DO I.
"GUTEN PRANK" NUMBER ONE.
- [gasps] DARRYL!
ANDY! - HEY, PAM!
HOW ARE YOU?
- WE'RE FINE. YEAH.
AND I'M SURE THAT YOU GUYS ARE FINE TOO.
BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T YOU BE? - MM-HMM.
- DARRYL, OH, MY GOSH. HOW IS AUSTIN?
TELL ME EVERYTHING. HOW'S THE MERGER?
I FEEL LIKE I READ ABOUT ATHLEAD ALL THE TIME.
- I LOVE IT. AND IT'S ATHLEAP NOW.
AND THE CITY IS AMAZING.
- YEAH? - YEAH.
YEAH, IT'S HOT, THE MUSIC IS AWESOME.
AND THE TACOS ARE... [cell phone chimes]
FOR REAL. - WOW!
THAT SOUNDS INCREDIBLE.
- OH, GUYS. LIMO'S HERE.
LET'S DO THIS. CHANGE IF YOU NEED TO.
- WHOO, WHOO, WHOO! - OKAY, YOU GUYS, HAVE FUN.
YOU TOO, ANDY.
- WAIT, WHY ARE WE STOPPING?
JIM, THIS ISN'T ON THE ITINERARY.
- DWIGHT. - JIM, WHAT--
- GET OUT. - COME ON! WHAT--
WHAT, ARE YOU GONNA WHACK ME, JIM?
- NO, DWIGHT.
YOU'LL BE DOING THE WHACKING.
- A BAZOOKA.
YOU REMEMBERED. - OF COURSE I DID.
all: OH!
[all laugh and applaud]
- WHOO! - YEAH!
- OKAY!
- "GUTEN PRANK" NUMBER TWO.
[all cheering]
PRIVATE ROOM.
- YEAH, BROSEF. - AMAZING!
- HOW ARE YOU, ANDY, REALLY?
- THINGS ARE GOING WELL, ACTUALLY.
I SPOKE AT CORNELL DURING COMMENCEMENT WEEK.
WELL, I MEAN, THE SENIORS INVITED ME AS A JOKE,
BUT IT WAS A HUGE SUCCESS.
- WELL, I BET IT WAS A SMASH.
THAT'S HOW I GOT MY NEW JOB IN THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE.
- IS THAT A VOLUNTEER PROGRAM OR...
- NO. IT'S A JOB.
THINGS ARE GOING GREAT.
- WHOO-HOO! LET'S GET THIS PARTY STARTED!
- WHERE'S MY ANGEL?
[both squeal and laugh]
- THIS IS MY BIG SISTER RACHEL.
- NO, THIS IS MY BIG SISTER ANGELA.
- [laughs] WE'RE VERY CLOSE.
WE EVEN HAVE OUR OWN SPECIAL LANGUAGE.
[speaking in indistinct language]
[both laughing]
PEOPLE LOVE IT.
- [sighs] MAN, HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN SITTING HERE?
- HI, BOYS!
all: OHH... - HERE WE GO!
- OH, THANK GOD. WE ARE FAMISHED!
- HEY, DID SOMEBODY ORDER THE CHEF SPECIAL?
- RIGHT THERE. - RIGHT HERE.
- NO, WE HAVEN'T ORDERED ANYTHING.
NO ONE'S EVEN TAKEN OUR DRINKS.
UH, WHAT IS THE CHEF SPECIAL?
[Rihanna's S&Mplaying]
- I BET YOU BOYS HAVE A BIG APPETITE.
- OH, WE DO.
SO WE'LL HAVE AN ONION LOAF FOR THE TABLE, PLEASE.
AND TELL US ABOUT YOUR HEARTIEST SOUPS.
NOW THE CHEF SPECIAL SOUNDED GOOD.
WHAT IS IT EXACTLY? - OOH. SHH.
- OKAY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
ARE YOU GIVING ME A TASTE OF THE CHEF SPECIAL?
- MM-HMM. - HMM?
TASTES LIKE CIGARETTES.
THAT WON'T WORK. THAT'S NO GOOD.
[knock at door] - OKAY.
- OH, BOY. - OH!
- HEARD YOU GUYS NEEDED SOME PIPES FIXED,
OR CLEANED OR WHATEVER.
ANGELA'S SPECIAL REPAIR MAN IS HERE.
- WAIT, WHAT IS THIS?
- SHUT UP. JAKEY?
- MOM? - WAIT. WAIT.
WHAT? - OH, MAN.
- NO, NO, NO, NO. JUST DO YOUR WORK.
PRETEND MOM'S NOT HERE.
- UH, THAT SEEMS INAPPROPRIATE.
- GIVE 'EM A GOOD SHOW, MY LITTLE ENTREPRENEUR.
- OKAY. - TAKE IT OFF.
[Big & Rich's Save a Horse [Ride a Cowboy]plays]
- YEAH! GOOD SONG CHOICE, JAKEY.
STRIPPER'S ONLY AS GOOD AS HIS SONG.
- OH...
[all shriek]
- OH!
- OH.
OH, WOWEE WOW.
- ♪ WELL, I WALK INTO THE ROOM ♪
- WHOO! WHOO-HOO! - ♪ PASSIN' OUT $100 BILLS
- GO, MEREDITH'S STRIPPER SON.
all: OHH!
- RACHEL, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? I DON'T KNOW!
I DON'T KNOW. - OH, GEE--
- OH, MY GOD!
- BE GENTLE, JAKEY, GENTLE.
JUST A SECOND.
JUST ONE SECOND. LOOK.
- OKAY, IF ANYTHING, THIS IS ROUGHER!
STOP IT, MEREDITH!
- FINE. MY BAD! GO AHEAD, JAKEY!
- MOM...
- UH, NO. IT'S O--THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU DON'T HAVE TO--
OH! NO, NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO. IT'S OKAY.
- NOW, FOR THE LAST TIME,
I'D LIKE A SIDE SALAD WITH BALSAMIC.
- DWIGHT, FOR THE LAST TIME, SHE'S NOT A WAITRESS.
- YOU'RE TELLING ME!
- IF YOU WANT HER TO LEAVE, JUST TIP HER.
- WHAT FOR? WE HAVEN'T EVEN GOTTEN BREAD YET.
DOES ANYONE WANNA SPLIT A TWICE BAKED POTATO?
DO YOU HAVE THOSE? THOSE AREN'T DEEP FRIED, RIGHT?
- THAT WAS INTERESTING.
- [sighs] [creaking]
WHAT WAS THAT? - IT'S JUST THE WIND.
- WILL YOU LOCK THE DOOR? - OKAY.
- [sighs]
- IT'S JUST THE WIND, SEE? NOTHING.
- ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEAVE THE DOOR WIDE OPEN.
WE GET IT. IT'S THE WIND.
JUST COME AND SHUT--OH! MY GOD!
[all screaming]
- PHYLLIS! - WHAT'S HAPPENING?
- I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS,
BUT I THINK I ATE TOO MUCH BONE MARROW.
[phone ringing] - HEY, PAM.
WHAT?
ANGELA'S BEEN KIDNAPPED!
PHYLLIS LEFT THE DOOR OPEN
AND SOME FREAK CAME AND GRABBED HER AND FLED.
- GOOD OLD MOSE. [laughing]
- THEY THINK IT WAS MOSE.
- OH, GREAT, HE'S GETTING INTO THE SPIRIT OF THE FESTIVITIES.
FANTASTIC.
HE JUST PULLED OFF A BRAUT ENTFUHRUNG.
- WHAT IS THAT?
- A CEREMONIAL BRIDAL KIDNAPPING.
HE WILL TAKE THE BRIDE AND HIDE HER AT A LOCAL PUB,
AND WHEN I FIND THE PLACE, I HAVE TO BUY EVERYONE DRINKS.
AH. ALL RIGHT! OH, MOSE!
- IS THAT MOSE?
- I AM HERE FOR MY BRIDE! - [giggles]
WELL, FIRST, BUY US A DRINK.
all: ♪ IF YOU WANT YOUR BRIDE, BUY US A DRINK ♪
♪ IF YOU WANT YOUR BRIDE, BUY US A DRINK ♪
- VERY WELL! DRINKS ON ME!
[all cheering] BARTENDER!
[gasps]
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
- I HEARD YOU BOUGHT A BAR, KEVIN.
- THIS ONE.
NOW GET OUT!
- WHY DID YOU PICK THIS PLACE? - OHH.
- YOU DID THIS AS A PRANK. MY OWN BESTISCH MENSCH.
- NOPE, NOT A PRANK.
I THINK IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO BURY THE HATCHET.
- [scoffs] WASTE OF A GOOD HATCHET.
- OKAY, JUST TALK.
- WELL, W--
- I HEARD YOU SAY "WELL" THE FIRST TIME,
- I KNOW DWIGHT MISSES KEVIN.
I SAW HIM MAKING HIS PORTRAIT OUT OF A WOOLY WILLY.
TOMORROW'S HIS WEDDING DAY.
YOU CAN'T BE ANYTHING BUT HAPPY ON YOUR WEDDING DAY.
- IT WAS NOTHING PERSONAL.
IT'S JUST THAT YOU WERE TERRIBLE AT YOUR JOB.
- YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER.
- NO, REALLY. YOU WERE TERRIBLE AT MATH...
AND ORGANIZATION, TIME MANAGEMENT,
PERSONAL HYGIENE.
YOUR INTERNET SEARCHES WERE SO FILTHY
WE HAD TO THROW OUT YOUR COMPUTER.
- IS THAT ALL IT WAS?
- THAT'S IT.
- COME HERE.
- I MISSED YOU, KEVIN.
- I MISSED YOU! - OHH.
- GUTEN PRANK. - YES, MOSE.
"GUTEN PRANK" NUMBER THREE.
- YOU'VE HAD YOUR DRINK. NOW WHERE IS MY BRIDE?
[all cheering]
MOSE! WHAT...
OHH, MOSE.
- WHAT THE [bleep] IS YOUR PROBLEM,
YOU [bleep] [bleep] [bleep]?
- HEY, IS ANGELA COMING, OR--
- NO. WE CAN'T SEE EACH OTHER ON OUR WEDDING DAY.
AND HER LEGS ARE STILL NUMB FROM BEING IN THE TRUNK.
- RIGHT. - HEY, GUYS.
all: STANLEY!
- HOW'S FLORIDA? - OH, GREAT.
YES, I'M LIVING IN FLORIDA NOW.
JUST ON THE EDGE OF THE EVERGLADES.
I SIT ON MY PORCH ALL DAY, CARVING BIRDS.
- AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT'S NERVOUS? HEH HEH.
HOW ARE YOU DOING WITH THIS? SHOULD WE HAVE BAILED?
- NO, NO, I'M FINE.
- DOESN'T SEEM LIKE ANYONE CARES ABOUT US ANYWAY.
- I'M SORRY, GUYS. THIS IS PROBABLY ON ME.
I GOT HATED ON PRETTY HARD WHEN THAT AUTO-TUNE WENT VIRAL.
♪ JUST SIT HERE AND CRY, JUST SIT HERE AND CRY ♪
♪ OH, I CAN SO JUST SIT HERE AND CRY ♪
♪ YOU GUYS ARE REALLY MEAN
♪ IT CAN'T END LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW ♪
♪ SLEPT IN MY CAR LAST NIGHT, QUIT MY JOB ♪
♪ BURNED ALL MY BRIDGES
♪ AND I DID UNSPEAKABLE THINGS
- ♪ YOU'RE JUST NOT GOOD
♪ YOU'RE JUST NOT GOOD
- ♪ ARE YOU INSANE?
- ♪ YOU'RE JUST NOT GOOD
♪ YOU'RE JUST NOT GOOD
- ♪ CHILL OUT [crying]
- [giggling] - ♪ JUST SIT HERE AND CRY
- PEOPLE ACTUALLY DANCE TO THIS.
IT'S IN MY JUKE BOX.
NONE OF THE MONEY GOES TO ANDY, THOUGH.
- ♪ CRY, CRY, CRY
- [laughing] YEAH, PEOPLE HATE YOU.
- I'LL GO TALK TO THE MANAGER. MAYBE WE SHOULD JUST GO HOME.
- HEY, IT'S ANDY BERNARD.
all: NARD DOG!
[cheers and applause]
- ROO-DOO-DOO-DOO!
all: ROO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!
ROO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!
- ROO-DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO!
[cheers and applause]
- HOW DID IT FEEL TO SEE YOUR LIVES
PLAYED OUT ON TV?
- IT'S LIKE SEEING A DOCUMENTARY ABOUT HOW YOUR FOOD IS MADE.
IT'S KINDA DISGUSTING.
YOU LEARN A LOT, BUT I DIDN'T WANNA KNOW ANY OF IT.
- WITH TODAY'S MODERN SURVEILLANCE TECHNOLOGY,
WE ARE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF BEING WATCHED,
WHETHER IT'S OUR GOVERNMENT
OR THE GOVERNMENT OF OTHER COUNTRIES,
A.K.A. GOOGLE.
YOU GUYS ARE BEING FILMED WAY MORE THAN WE EVER WERE.
- UH, NO ONE RECOGNIZES ME.
BUT NOW ALL MY FRIENDS CALL ME PLOP.
SO...THANKS, PBS. [laughter]
- UH, JIM, THAT DVD IN THE LAST EPISODE
WAS SO ROMANTIC.
AND, UM, I THINK WE'D ALL LOVE TO KNOW,
PAM, WHAT ROMANTIC THING DID YOU DO TO PAY JIM BACK
FOR LEAVING ATHLEAD?
- WELL, I MEAN, HOW DO YOU PAY BACK SOMEONE
FOR SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
BUT, UH, I DON'T KNOW. I'M WORKING ON SOMETHING.
- SHE PAYS ME BACK EVERY DAY, JUST BY BEING MY WIFE.
SO THAT'S FINE.
all: AWW.
- O-KAY.
- ALL I CAN SAY IS, IF I HAD JIM,
HE WOULD HAVE A FREE PASS TO DO ANYTHING.
I MEAN, IF I LUCKED INTO THAT,
HE COULD DO ANYTHING--
ANYTHING.
- I'M SORRY, IS THERE A QUESTION?
- UH, NO.
- PAM, WHAT WAS IN THAT TEAPOT LETTER?
- OH, UM, WELL, YOU KNOW, I--
I JUST--I THINK I WOULD RATHER KEEP THAT PRIVATE.
YOU KNOW, IF YOU'D BEEN FILMED FOR NINE YEARS OF YOUR LIFE,
THERE'D BE SOME THINGS THAT YOU JUST WANNA KEEP TO YOURSELF.
- I HEAR YA. WHAT DID IT SAY?
- WE'RE GONNA MOVE ON.
NEXT QUESTION, PLEASE.
- DO YOU FIND THAT YOUR LIFE FEELS POINTLESS
NOW THAT NOBODY'S ACTUALLY FILMING YOU ANYMORE?
- YES.
- I HAVE A QUESTION FOR JIM AND PAM.
EVERYONE WATCHING SEES HOW MUCH YOU LOVE EACH OTHER
AND HOW YOU'RE SOUL MATES.
SO, PAM, HOW COULD YOU DOUBT THAT
WHEN JIM MOVED TO PHILADELPHIA?
- UM, YOU KNOW WHAT, I ACTUALLY DIDN'T HANDLE THAT MOVE, UH,
VERY GRACEFULLY,
FROM NOT COMMUNICATING TO BEING A LITTLE SELFISH.
- LISTEN, UM...
I WAS SCARED, YOU KNOW?
I LOVED WHAT I HAD, AND I DIDN'T WANNA RISK IT.
AND I THINK THAT MAYBE I DID DOUBT HIM A LITTLE TOO.
WHICH WAS WRONG,
BECAUSE HE'S SHOWN ME TIME AND AGAIN.
BUT WHEN THE DOCUMENTARY STARTED AIRING,
PEOPLE ON THE STREET TOLD ME
THAT I HAD THIS FAIRY-TALE ROMANCE.
BUT THERE WERE A LOT OF TIMES LAST YEAR
WHEN IT DID NOT FEEL LIKE A FAIRY TALE.
BUT THEN IT GOT DEEPER, AND IT GOT STRONGER,
AND NOW IT'S BETTER THAN A FAIRY TALE.
IT'S LIKE A LONG BOOK THAT YOU NEVER WANT TO END.
AND YOU'RE FINE WITH THAT,
BECAUSE YOU JUST NEVER, EVER WANNA LEAVE IT.
all: AWW.
- LIKE HARRY POTTER.
- YEAH, LIKE HARRY POTTER.
- I HAVE A QUESTION FOR ERIN.
- REALLY? - YES.
UM, THE THING I FOUND MOST COMPELLING
ABOUT THE DOCUMENTARY WAS YOUR SEARCH
FOR YOUR BIRTH MOTHER.
- THANK YOU.
- SO MY QUESTION IS, UM, DO--DON'T YOU HATE HER?
I MEAN, I WOULD JUST IMAGINE THAT YOU WERE SO ANGRY AT HER
THAT YOU WOULD HATE HER.
- MAYBE SOMETIMES.
BUT NOT LIKE HATEHATE.
MORE JUST LIKE, "MOM, I HATE YOU!"
AND THEN SHE WOULD SAY, "GO TO YOUR ROOM, YOUNG LADY."
AND I'D STAMP MY FOOT AND RUN UPSTAIRS.
AND I HAVE A ROOM, WHICH IS REALLY COOL.
AND THEN WE'D JUST HAVE DINNER TOGETHER.
BUT I DON'T KNOW. I'D HAVE TO MEET HER.
[laughs] THANKS.
- ERIN...
- YES?
- UM...
OH, ERIN...
- YES? IS THERE A FOLLOW-UP QUESTION?
MOM?
all: AWW.
[applause]
- ERIN...
SAME QUESTION, BUT ABOUT YOUR DAD?
- WELL, THIS FEELS LIKE A GOOD PLACE TO STOP.
LET'S THANK ALL OF OUR WONDERFUL PANELISTS
FOR BEING HERE ON THIS WONDERFUL PANEL TODAY.
NEXT WEEK AT THE SCRANTON CULTURAL CENTER,
DON'T FORGET, IRISH STEP DANCING SEMIFINALS.
WINNING TEAM TO MID-ATLANTIC.
[applause]
- WHERE'S THE, UH, BASKET FOR GIFTS?
- RIGHT THERE, SIR.
- HI. I'M DAKOTA. - JEFF BOMONDO.
I SELL CERAMIC TILE OUT OF NEWARK.
- NICE. - MY WIFE'S NAME IS KATHRYN.
I CAN SHOW YOU MY SOCIAL SECURITY CARD,
IF IT HELPS.
- YOU READY? - [chuckles] YOU KIDDING?
I WAS BORN READY.
[mimicking heavy metal guitars]
- DWIGHT, DWIGHT, DWIGHT.
UM...
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT...
WE HAVE A LITTLE BIT OF A PROBLEM.
- OH, NO. WHAT?
- THE MINISTER JUST TOLD ME THAT IT'S TRADITION
FOR THE BESTISCH MENSCH TO BE OLDER THAN THE GROOM.
- OH, COME ON.
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF SUCH A THING.
- I HAVEN'T HEARD OF IT, OBVIOUSLY.
BUT I'M OUT,
BECAUSE I'M SIGNIFICANTLY YOUNGER THAN YOU.
- NOT--SIGNIFICANT IS A BIG WORD.
- I THINK IT'S DEFINITELY-- WELL, OKAY.
EITHER WAY-- - I THINK YOU'RE ONLY A TEENY--
- EITHER WAY, DWIGHT...
I CAN'T BE THERE FOR YOU.
I'M SORRY.
- JIM.
- I JUST...REALLY WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO.
- [whispering] MICHAEL.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU CAME.
- THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.
- [laughing]
- BEST PRANK EVER.
- YEAH!