1
00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:06,088
And then,
l think l'm going to go
to the garlic festival.

2
00:00:06,214 --> 00:00:08,257
Wow.
Sounds like fun.
You guys would love it.

3
00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:10,092
No, we wouldn't.
They have a TCBY booth.

4
00:00:10,218 --> 00:00:12,011
Cool.
Same stuff
you get downtown.

5
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,679
Do you like TCBY?
Who doesn't?

6
00:00:13,763 --> 00:00:18,976
"l can't believe
it's yogurt."
lt'll be fun.

7
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:22,354
l confirmed with Raskin Design
and they're expecting the both
of you in an hour.

8
00:00:22,439 --> 00:00:24,106
Oh, actually,
it's just going
to be me.

9
00:00:24,190 --> 00:00:25,816
They said
the both of you.

10
00:00:25,900 --> 00:00:27,026
That's a mistake.

11
00:00:27,110 --> 00:00:29,236
You should give them
a call, check that out.

12
00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,697
All right,
just clear this up.

13
00:00:31,781 --> 00:00:34,033
Well, there's actually been
a few changes in the company,

14
00:00:34,117 --> 00:00:36,535
and Michael and l
are actually
at the same level.

15
00:00:36,619 --> 00:00:38,912
So, l can. . . No.

16
00:00:39,914 --> 00:00:41,707
No, why would
that be a problem?

17
00:00:41,791 --> 00:00:43,542
Jim's a good kid,
he can handle a lot,

18
00:00:43,626 --> 00:00:47,504
but sometimes you
have to call in a master.

19
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:52,634
Why would you date
an amateur when you
could date a professional?

20
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:55,220
Great. See you then.

21
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:56,680
What?

22
00:00:56,765 --> 00:00:59,767
They said that they
would feel more comfortable
if you came along.

23
00:00:59,851 --> 00:01:01,769
Why don't they
just want you
to go by yourself?

24
00:01:01,853 --> 00:01:04,271
Why do they want
me to come, too?
l don't understand.

25
00:01:04,355 --> 00:01:06,315
l absolutely don't
understand, either.

26
00:01:06,399 --> 00:01:10,319
l don't want you to feel
like l'm babysitting you
or something.

27
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:12,696
All right.
All right.

28
00:01:12,781 --> 00:01:15,365
Let me go get
your stroller.
(CHUCKLES)

29
00:01:16,201 --> 00:01:18,535
JlM: Sure.
Michael's a good teacher.

30
00:01:18,620 --> 00:01:20,454
A teacher
is someone
who stands

31
00:01:20,538 --> 00:01:21,955
right next to you
your whole life

32
00:01:22,040 --> 00:01:23,916
and never lets
you do anything.

33
00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:25,876
That's what
a teacher is, right?

34
00:01:32,842 --> 00:01:34,218
(lNAUDlBLE)

35
00:01:47,190 --> 00:01:48,232
What are you
going to call him?
Dave.

36
00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:50,234
No. What is
his name?
Dave.

37
00:01:50,318 --> 00:01:52,361
Mr. Borchard.
They're very formal.

38
00:01:52,445 --> 00:01:53,821
Yeah. l've spoken
to them on the phone.

39
00:01:53,905 --> 00:01:56,365
Yeah, well,
this is not the phone.

40
00:01:56,449 --> 00:01:59,827
This is real life, baby,
and you got to own it.

41
00:01:59,911 --> 00:02:01,286
ls that what
you are wearing?

42
00:02:01,371 --> 00:02:02,371
Yes, it is.

43
00:02:02,455 --> 00:02:05,457
And that is
the watch that you
are going to wear?

44
00:02:05,542 --> 00:02:08,627
No, it is not.
You should
wear this watch.

45
00:02:08,711 --> 00:02:09,920
l will loan it to you.

46
00:02:10,004 --> 00:02:12,506
lt is a Tankard.
l highly recommend
you wear that.

47
00:02:12,590 --> 00:02:14,508
No, thanks.
They are into style.

48
00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:15,592
Mmm-hmm.

49
00:02:15,677 --> 00:02:17,636
They are into appearance.
We are selling success.

50
00:02:17,720 --> 00:02:20,305
And paper.
That's sort of secondary.

51
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,516
Nope. No.

52
00:02:22,851 --> 00:02:25,686
He's trying to
micro co-manage me.

53
00:02:25,770 --> 00:02:29,982
Or co-micromanage me.

54
00:02:31,192 --> 00:02:33,152
Here we are outside
of the Wilkes-Barre. . .
W. B.

55
00:02:33,236 --> 00:02:35,654
. . . lndustrial Park.
lndustrial P.

56
00:02:36,322 --> 00:02:37,739
Making cold calls.

57
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:39,575
The two people
with the lowest sales

58
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:40,868
in the quarter
have to do them.

59
00:02:41,077 --> 00:02:42,077
(GRUNTS)

60
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:45,706
(SlNGlNG)
Palpabon Drilling,
where are you

61
00:02:45,790 --> 00:02:49,751
Dean Trophies,
suite 1 00

62
00:02:49,836 --> 00:02:53,046
Sherman Blinds & Rugs,
suite 202

63
00:02:53,131 --> 00:02:54,173
Here it is.

64
00:02:54,257 --> 00:02:55,382
Palpabon Drilling

65
00:02:55,466 --> 00:02:57,009
Suite 401 .

66
00:02:57,093 --> 00:02:58,552
Yeah, l was going
to sing that part.

67
00:02:58,636 --> 00:02:59,761
l know. Now you
don't have to.

68
00:02:59,846 --> 00:03:02,014
Well, except it was
going to resolve
the melody,

69
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:03,765
so now my head hurts.

70
00:03:03,850 --> 00:03:05,767
lt feels like
l held in a sneeze.

71
00:03:05,852 --> 00:03:08,812
(EXCLAlMlNG)
l hate this feeling.

72
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:13,609
(SlNGlNG) Suite 401

73
00:03:16,696 --> 00:03:18,280
(SlGHS) All right.

74
00:03:19,365 --> 00:03:20,449
Hi. Any messages?

75
00:03:20,533 --> 00:03:21,533
You're soaking wet.

76
00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:23,619
Oh, well, Jim and l
got caught in a little

77
00:03:23,703 --> 00:03:26,872
flash rain, flash winds,
flash lightning.

78
00:03:26,956 --> 00:03:28,582
Wow. Sounds scary.

79
00:03:28,666 --> 00:03:32,169
lt was. lt was.
And then in an instant,
it wasn't.

80
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:33,712
Why isn't Jim wet?

81
00:03:33,796 --> 00:03:34,880
l outran it.

82
00:03:34,964 --> 00:03:37,799
l don't think it rained.
My hip would be throbbing.

83
00:03:37,926 --> 00:03:39,843
lt rained.
Michael, can l get
you something?

84
00:03:39,928 --> 00:03:41,053
A towel, some cocoa?

85
00:03:41,137 --> 00:03:42,888
Nothing. Cocoa.

86
00:03:43,598 --> 00:03:45,015
l'll just leave
that suit in your
office, then?

87
00:03:45,099 --> 00:03:47,059
Good, yeah.

88
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,353
Must be nice
to have company
on these cold calls.

89
00:03:49,437 --> 00:03:51,939
We're kind of
a dynamic duo.

90
00:03:52,023 --> 00:03:53,273
Or trio.

91
00:03:53,524 --> 00:03:56,485
How exciting !
Do you guys know
the sex yet?

92
00:03:57,111 --> 00:03:58,487
Oh, no, no.

93
00:04:00,114 --> 00:04:03,033
We're not together.
No, no, no.
Definitely not.

94
00:04:04,118 --> 00:04:07,079
Definitely not.
No, we just
work together.

95
00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:11,041
Looks like somebody's got
a case of the definitelys.

96
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:17,923
Michael, the custodian
from Raskin Design
is on the line.

97
00:04:18,007 --> 00:04:19,758
He said they
found your keys
in the koi pond.

98
00:04:19,842 --> 00:04:21,426
Okay, thank you.

99
00:04:22,428 --> 00:04:24,096
Did you say
koi pond?

100
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:25,847
(lNTERCOM RlNGlNG)

101
00:04:25,932 --> 00:04:28,725
Yeah?
Michael, people
are asking questions.

102
00:04:28,810 --> 00:04:31,144
Okay. Put them on speaker.

103
00:04:31,229 --> 00:04:32,437
Hey, guys,
what's going on?

104
00:04:32,522 --> 00:04:35,107
Hey, Michael, did you
fall into a koi pond?

105
00:04:35,191 --> 00:04:38,527
l can't really hear you.
I think we have sort
of a bad connection.

106
00:04:38,611 --> 00:04:41,238
Jim, did Michael
fall into a koi pond?

107
00:04:43,032 --> 00:04:46,034
lt's like Michael said.
lt was something else.

108
00:04:46,119 --> 00:04:49,246
Okay, this is what it was.
lt was these bunch of idiots

109
00:04:49,330 --> 00:04:53,750
that had put a fish tank
in the ground with
no cover and no railing.

110
00:04:53,835 --> 00:04:54,960
So you fell in?
No.

111
00:04:55,044 --> 00:04:57,462
Maybe l was trying
to save a child
that had fallen in.

112
00:04:57,547 --> 00:04:58,797
So a child
had fallen in?

113
00:04:58,881 --> 00:05:00,048
Not yet.

114
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,466
That is hilarious.

115
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:04,011
No. Don't.
l'm not going to bump.
l'm not going to bump.

116
00:05:04,095 --> 00:05:07,764
And it was not hilarious.
lt was very, very terrifying.

117
00:05:07,849 --> 00:05:09,683
(LAUGHlNG)

118
00:05:09,892 --> 00:05:11,935
Truthfully, it wasn't
the way he fell in.

119
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:15,522
lt was how long it
took him to get out.

120
00:05:15,606 --> 00:05:18,483
And we'd like to offer you
1 5% off your first purchase

121
00:05:18,568 --> 00:05:20,902
as our way of welcoming
you to the area.

122
00:05:20,987 --> 00:05:22,738
Well, that sounds
like a really nice deal.

123
00:05:22,822 --> 00:05:23,822
Sha-bow!

124
00:05:23,906 --> 00:05:26,658
And l must say
that since we are
a family business,

125
00:05:26,743 --> 00:05:28,327
it's nice to see
that you are, too.

126
00:05:28,411 --> 00:05:29,828
Oh !

127
00:05:29,912 --> 00:05:32,998
Wow. You thought that. . .

128
00:05:33,082 --> 00:05:35,667
Oh, my gosh.
Definitely not.

129
00:05:35,752 --> 00:05:37,336
My mistake.
l'm sorry.

130
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:38,462
lt's okay.

131
00:05:38,546 --> 00:05:41,548
Nah, actually,
it's kind of not okay.

132
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,634
l date models.
Face models.

133
00:05:45,136 --> 00:05:49,389
My girlfriend,
on a scale of
one-to-Gisele,

134
00:05:51,100 --> 00:05:52,225


135
00:05:52,310 --> 00:05:53,352
That's good for you.

136
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,854
Anyway, we also
have a special
on envelopes. . .

137
00:05:55,938 --> 00:05:58,148
Pam's carrying
our surrogate

138
00:05:58,232 --> 00:06:02,986
because my girlfriend
needed to keep her figure
for Fashion Week.

139
00:06:03,488 --> 00:06:05,697
So, we put
our baby in Pam.

140
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:07,574
lt doesn't matter
what Pam looks like.

141
00:06:08,618 --> 00:06:09,659
Yeah.

142
00:06:09,744 --> 00:06:11,953
You were way meaner
to me than l was to you.

143
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,872
No, l wasn't, okay?

144
00:06:13,956 --> 00:06:16,666
The very idea of us
together made you
burst out laughing

145
00:06:16,751 --> 00:06:19,711
like you just bit
into an Adam Sandler
and jelly sandwich.

146
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,547
You blew the sale,
you idiot!

147
00:06:22,632 --> 00:06:24,091
Let me tell you something.

148
00:06:24,175 --> 00:06:26,718
l was never going
to make that sale.

149
00:06:27,512 --> 00:06:30,222
Erin, do we have any
of those clips that
hold paper together?

150
00:06:30,306 --> 00:06:31,515
Staples?

151
00:06:31,599 --> 00:06:33,141
(CLEARS THROAT)

152
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,060
David Wallace called.

153
00:06:35,144 --> 00:06:36,520
Oh, he did?
What did he say?

154
00:06:36,604 --> 00:06:38,688
He heard you made
a big splash
at the meeting.

155
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:40,941
Oh, my God, that was
so mean what l just said,
and l didn't mean it.

156
00:06:41,025 --> 00:06:42,526
lt was Kevin and Meredith
who put me up to it.

157
00:06:43,569 --> 00:06:44,611
(SlGHS) Okay.

158
00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:46,321
l'm going to kill you.

159
00:06:46,406 --> 00:06:48,240
Michael, don't
listen to them.

160
00:06:48,324 --> 00:06:49,282
Thank you, Stanley.

161
00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,410
You just ignore
their carping.

162
00:06:51,494 --> 00:06:52,536
Okay.

163
00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:53,620
(WHlSPERlNG) Michael?
Yes.

164
00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:56,373
A carp is both a fish
and a term for complaining.

165
00:06:56,457 --> 00:06:57,833
They're mocking you
with word play.

166
00:06:57,917 --> 00:07:00,127
Hey, boss,
did you find Nemo?

167
00:07:00,211 --> 00:07:02,337
l can name
Pixar movies, too.

168
00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,840
Toy Story.
Don't you mean Koi Story?

169
00:07:04,924 --> 00:07:06,007
(ALL LAUGHlNG)

170
00:07:06,092 --> 00:07:08,802
And when you fell in,
did you flounder?

171
00:07:09,762 --> 00:07:12,180
Michael, flounder is
both a kind of a fish. . .

172
00:07:12,265 --> 00:07:13,640
l know what a flounder is.

173
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,684
Hey, Michael.
No! No!

174
00:07:15,768 --> 00:07:17,394
No more! That is it!

175
00:07:17,478 --> 00:07:19,229
Everybody in the
conference room,
right now!

176
00:07:19,772 --> 00:07:22,232
l'm not usually
the butt of the joke.

177
00:07:22,316 --> 00:07:24,109
l'm usually
the face of the joke.

178
00:07:26,529 --> 00:07:28,738
l wish Jim had fallen
into that pond.

179
00:07:28,823 --> 00:07:30,449
Then he'd have
to put on my suit,

180
00:07:30,533 --> 00:07:33,410
and it would
be too short,
and he'd look. . .

181
00:07:34,537 --> 00:07:36,496
Damn it,
he'd still look good.

182
00:07:37,582 --> 00:07:40,208
The most fundamental thing
about sensitivity training

183
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:44,880
is that you cannot
make fun of a person for
something or some action

184
00:07:44,964 --> 00:07:47,382
that they have done
that they regret.

185
00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:50,552
You can only make fun
of things that they
have control over.

186
00:07:51,095 --> 00:07:54,848
Like, Oscar is gay.
That is his choice.

187
00:07:54,932 --> 00:07:59,352
We can make fun of that.
l did not choose
to fall into a koi pond.

188
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:01,521
Michael, you still
can't make fun of people

189
00:08:01,606 --> 00:08:04,316
for race or gender
or sexual orientation
or religion. . .

190
00:08:04,400 --> 00:08:06,693
Who let the lemonhead
into the room?

191
00:08:06,777 --> 00:08:08,612
You are a waste of life
and you should give up.

192
00:08:11,073 --> 00:08:13,825
ls what l want to say
but l won't,

193
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:16,870
because that is
why we are doing
this right now.

194
00:08:16,954 --> 00:08:20,582
So, Toby, welcome
to sensitivity training
for real. Show of hands.

195
00:08:20,917 --> 00:08:23,919
Who here has
been koi-ponded?

196
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:28,131
Who here has been
the butt of a joke
that has gone too far?

197
00:08:28,257 --> 00:08:31,384
Phyllis.
Michael, you make
fun of us every day.

198
00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:33,261
Yeah. Every single day.

199
00:08:33,346 --> 00:08:34,679
You never said anything.

200
00:08:34,764 --> 00:08:36,223
We have. Countless times.

201
00:08:36,307 --> 00:08:40,352
Well, it is hard to
tell the difference
between you guys saying,

202
00:08:40,436 --> 00:08:42,020
"Stop, because
l want you to stop,"

203
00:08:42,104 --> 00:08:46,024
or stop as in,
"Stop, you're making
me laugh so hard.

204
00:08:46,108 --> 00:08:48,860
"What you're
doing is so funny.
You're on a roll.

205
00:08:48,945 --> 00:08:50,737
"l am busting
a gut. Stop!"

206
00:08:51,697 --> 00:08:53,198
That's never
been the case.

207
00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:55,575
We are going to make

208
00:08:55,660 --> 00:09:01,623
a Do Not Mock list.

209
00:09:01,707 --> 00:09:06,878
Okay? Anything that we think
might be out of bounds,
we put on this list.

210
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:10,632
Anything you put on this list,
you cannot be teased about.

211
00:09:10,716 --> 00:09:11,758
Got it?

212
00:09:11,842 --> 00:09:13,385
l'm going to kick it off.

213
00:09:13,469 --> 00:09:19,224
Let's see what l have
to put on the list, right?

214
00:09:19,308 --> 00:09:20,642
Okay.

215
00:09:20,726 --> 00:09:24,688
l also have fallen
into the fountain
at the Steamtown Mall.

216
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:26,940
You fell into
a second fountain?

217
00:09:27,108 --> 00:09:28,733
(ALL CHUCKLlNG)

218
00:09:28,818 --> 00:09:30,485
Can you kick me
out of the meeting now?

219
00:09:30,570 --> 00:09:31,987
Go. Go.

220
00:09:34,991 --> 00:09:38,368
Starting today, teasing
will no longer be tolerated.

221
00:09:38,494 --> 00:09:41,162
You mean there's
no teasing of any kind?

222
00:09:41,247 --> 00:09:44,666
No, no, no, just things
that are on the list.
That is the beauty of it.

223
00:09:44,750 --> 00:09:47,127
Okay, who else?
Who else?
Dwight, come on.

224
00:09:47,211 --> 00:09:49,087
l don't want people
making fun of my nose.

225
00:09:49,171 --> 00:09:50,672
Your nose?

226
00:09:51,340 --> 00:09:52,591
lt's too small.

227
00:09:52,675 --> 00:09:56,636
The geometric proportions
of my face are perfect
in every way but one.

228
00:09:57,513 --> 00:09:59,431
My nose is too small.

229
00:09:59,515 --> 00:10:01,516
l mean,
it still works.
l can smell things.

230
00:10:01,601 --> 00:10:04,811
l just have to be
a lot closer
than most people.

231
00:10:05,521 --> 00:10:06,646
Oh, my.
That is small.

232
00:10:06,731 --> 00:10:08,356
Just write it
down, please.

233
00:10:08,441 --> 00:10:09,608
OSCAR: Can you
breathe okay?

234
00:10:09,692 --> 00:10:11,276
What keeps your
glasses on?

235
00:10:11,360 --> 00:10:12,777
Hey, it's on the list,
everybody.

236
00:10:12,862 --> 00:10:15,113
No, l haven't
finished writing.

237
00:10:15,197 --> 00:10:19,492
Did you sneeze it off?
That's it. No more. Okay.

238
00:10:19,577 --> 00:10:21,620
Who else, who else?
Everybody's going
to get their chance.

239
00:10:21,704 --> 00:10:24,497
l don't want people
making fun of my weight.

240
00:10:24,582 --> 00:10:26,791
Okay, that's too broad.
lt's got to be
something else.

241
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:29,044
How about your
stomach? Yeah?

242
00:10:31,130 --> 00:10:34,382
Who else?
l'm very sensitive
about my petite figure.

243
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:35,634
Oh, God.

244
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:39,429
l am.
l'm afraid of being thrown
around like a football.

245
00:10:39,847 --> 00:10:42,223
Well, you know,
Nicole Richie might think
that you are fat.

246
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:44,059
Does that make
you feel better?

247
00:10:44,143 --> 00:10:45,143
Meredith?

248
00:10:45,227 --> 00:10:46,394
l don't want to
say it out loud.

249
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:49,105
Okay, fine.
Come on up here,
write it yourself.

250
00:10:49,190 --> 00:10:52,233
And don't sign
your name to it,
and nobody look.

251
00:10:53,569 --> 00:10:55,862
Everybody,
look away, look away.

252
00:10:56,238 --> 00:10:58,448
Well, l really didn't want
to put it on the board,

253
00:10:58,532 --> 00:11:00,784
but l thought maybe
it was going
to come out somehow.

254
00:11:00,868 --> 00:11:03,078
So, what are you
going to do?

255
00:11:08,709 --> 00:11:09,668
Okay.

256
00:11:09,752 --> 00:11:11,461
Some of you
may have noticed

257
00:11:11,545 --> 00:11:17,842
l'm in that kind of
ill-defined relationship
type of thing.

258
00:11:17,927 --> 00:11:19,344
Okay, what do you
want me to write?

259
00:11:19,428 --> 00:11:21,096
Just put Kelly.
Aw!

260
00:11:21,180 --> 00:11:22,180
That still going on?

261
00:11:22,264 --> 00:11:23,765
l will claw
your tiny nose off.

262
00:11:23,849 --> 00:11:25,266
lt's on the list.

263
00:11:25,351 --> 00:11:26,685
Creed, your turn.

264
00:11:26,769 --> 00:11:29,145
lf l write it down,
l can't be charged with it.

265
00:11:29,605 --> 00:11:30,772
No one said that.

266
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:34,401
That is our sales pitch,
and we are sticking to it.

267
00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:39,447
Well, you two
are quite the salesmen,
and a very cute couple.

268
00:11:40,574 --> 00:11:42,242
Well, it's. . .
Oh. . .

269
00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:45,537
Thank you.
Thank you.

270
00:11:45,621 --> 00:11:49,541
Some couples don't
seem like a good match,
but you two do.

271
00:11:49,625 --> 00:11:50,875
Well, you know.

272
00:11:50,960 --> 00:11:53,545
Yeah, you know,
two peas in a pod.

273
00:11:53,629 --> 00:11:55,255
We complete
each other.

274
00:11:55,339 --> 00:11:57,048
What can l say?
She loves to cook. . .

275
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,758
He loves to eat.

276
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:00,468
l love to dance. . .

277
00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,720
l love to watch
him dance.

278
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,931
Yeah, right.
Sometimes l'll just dance
for hours in the living room.

279
00:12:05,015 --> 00:12:06,224
And l'll watch him.

280
00:12:06,308 --> 00:12:09,102
And a baby on the way?
You must be so excited.

281
00:12:09,186 --> 00:12:10,687
Mmm.
Yes.

282
00:12:10,771 --> 00:12:12,981
Yeah, we are thrilled.
Mmm-hmm.

283
00:12:13,065 --> 00:12:14,566
ln fact, we spent
the whole weekend

284
00:12:14,650 --> 00:12:16,901
researching various
birthing coaches.

285
00:12:16,986 --> 00:12:17,944
Wasn't that
fun, honey?

286
00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:19,154
lt was, sweetie.
Yeah.

287
00:12:19,238 --> 00:12:22,115
Oh, l know the best teacher.
Her name is Miss Janet.

288
00:12:22,199 --> 00:12:23,408
Yeah, on Clearview Avenue.

289
00:12:23,492 --> 00:12:24,534
KEENA: Yeah !

290
00:12:24,618 --> 00:12:25,702
Yeah.

291
00:12:26,412 --> 00:12:31,166
This sounds ridiculous,
l know, but some people say
that l eat like a squirrel.

292
00:12:31,250 --> 00:12:34,794
So now you're
comparing yourself
to a cute, tiny animal?

293
00:12:36,005 --> 00:12:37,005
Michael?
Hmm?

294
00:12:37,089 --> 00:12:40,675
The custodian called again.
Apparently a koi has died.

295
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:41,843
Oh, man !
(ALL EXCLAlM)

296
00:12:41,927 --> 00:12:42,969
lt's a fish.

297
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:44,929
They want you
to pay for it.

298
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,598
lt could have died of
natural causes, though.

299
00:12:46,682 --> 00:12:50,351
Well, they said you
stepped on its head.
He did not suffer.

300
00:12:51,854 --> 00:12:53,188
When is the funeral?

301
00:12:53,272 --> 00:12:55,732
Do not mock, Oscar.
Do not mock.

302
00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:57,609
How much do they want?
$300.

303
00:12:57,693 --> 00:13:01,321
What? No.
l could get a fish
for a five-cent worm.

304
00:13:01,405 --> 00:13:05,366
You're paying way
too much for worms, man.
Who's your worm guy?

305
00:13:05,493 --> 00:13:08,661
Okay, great meeting,
everybody. That's it.
No, no.

306
00:13:08,746 --> 00:13:12,081
Thank you.
No, we are not
done here. This. . .

307
00:13:14,543 --> 00:13:15,627
One of the baby
books suggests

308
00:13:15,711 --> 00:13:19,047
the best birthing posture
is on all fours,
like an animal.

309
00:13:19,131 --> 00:13:20,757
l just wish l had
a special telephone

310
00:13:20,841 --> 00:13:23,968
so l could find out
exactly what the little
soybean wants.

311
00:13:24,053 --> 00:13:27,222
Right?
Hey, little soybean.
What do you want?

312
00:13:27,765 --> 00:13:29,390
Right? How do. . .

313
00:13:32,144 --> 00:13:33,937
l felt it kick.
Oh, that's great!

314
00:13:34,021 --> 00:13:37,148
Oh, my gosh,
like a little magical
foot just high-fived me.

315
00:13:37,233 --> 00:13:38,650
Yeah, well,
that'll happen.

316
00:13:38,734 --> 00:13:40,068
Oh, my gosh.

317
00:13:40,569 --> 00:13:43,905
lt's like he's trying to say,
"l love you, too, Daddy.

318
00:13:43,989 --> 00:13:45,156
"l love you, too."

319
00:13:45,241 --> 00:13:47,325
Sometimes we're so excited,
we forget where we are.

320
00:13:47,409 --> 00:13:48,409
(ANDY MOANlNG)

321
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:50,620
Like at a business meeting.

322
00:13:51,539 --> 00:13:53,581
Message received,
little soybean.

323
00:13:53,791 --> 00:13:55,208
l think you just got to
ride this one out, man.

324
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:57,585
No, Jim,
you don't
understand.

325
00:13:57,670 --> 00:13:59,754
Things like this
just don't die.

326
00:14:00,548 --> 00:14:03,466
Kids in high school
still call me "Ponytail."
No, they don't.

327
00:14:03,551 --> 00:14:06,094
Yes, they do, Jim.
Because of the time

328
00:14:06,178 --> 00:14:08,680
l got my ponytail
stuck in the power drill.

329
00:14:08,764 --> 00:14:11,391
Maybe if you make
fun of yourself,
it'll all go away.

330
00:14:11,475 --> 00:14:12,725
l want to make fun
of you right now.

331
00:14:12,810 --> 00:14:17,230
Really? Do it.
l am a big,
stupid goofball.

332
00:14:17,314 --> 00:14:19,941
No, don't do that.
You're not stupid.

333
00:14:21,318 --> 00:14:22,402
See?

334
00:14:23,654 --> 00:14:24,779
Oh, my God.

335
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:30,410
Hey, l just want to say
that l cannot believe

336
00:14:30,494 --> 00:14:32,328
that l walked
into a koi pond.

337
00:14:32,413 --> 00:14:34,622
l mean, seriously,
walk much?

338
00:14:35,583 --> 00:14:36,749
Oh !

339
00:14:36,834 --> 00:14:39,919
l should wear a snorkel
to the next business
meeting that l go to.

340
00:14:40,004 --> 00:14:42,881
Michael, you know,
when you think about it,
it's not all your fault.

341
00:14:42,965 --> 00:14:44,841
l mean, who puts
a koi pond in a lobby?

342
00:14:44,925 --> 00:14:46,634
MlCHAEL: Well,
you know what?

343
00:14:46,719 --> 00:14:49,679
You're right, Phyllis,
but l've been there before.

344
00:14:49,763 --> 00:14:52,015
l've seen that pond.
This is the thing,

345
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:53,975
l am a world-class moron,
is the problem.

346
00:14:54,059 --> 00:14:56,603
Michael, please stop it now.
You're embarrassing yourself.

347
00:14:56,687 --> 00:14:58,021
lt's okay.
We're having fun.

348
00:14:58,105 --> 00:15:01,274
lt's actually not
the first time l've been
embarrassed by a pond.

349
00:15:02,484 --> 00:15:03,526
ln high school,

350
00:15:03,611 --> 00:15:06,529
the girls volleyball team
always used to throw me
into the frozen lake.

351
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,364
Four years in a row.

352
00:15:09,074 --> 00:15:10,325
(MlCHAEL LAUGHlNG)

353
00:15:10,409 --> 00:15:14,996
lt was freezing !
No, no, no.
This is even worse.

354
00:15:15,372 --> 00:15:17,874
Couple of weeks ago,
l went to get
a new cell phone

355
00:15:17,958 --> 00:15:19,500
and l wanted one
of those packages

356
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:20,752
where you have
the five, you know,

357
00:15:20,836 --> 00:15:22,837
the friends
and family thing?

358
00:15:22,922 --> 00:15:24,923
And the guy was like,
"Who are your
five friends?"

359
00:15:25,007 --> 00:15:27,759
And l'm like. . .
l didn't even know.

360
00:15:27,843 --> 00:15:31,971
l couldn't even think.
Oh, my God,
it was so embarrassing.

361
00:15:32,473 --> 00:15:33,973
That was so. . .

362
00:15:34,433 --> 00:15:38,019
l don't even have
Jan's cell phone number,
and l hate her.

363
00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:42,607
She won't give
it to me. l was like,
"l guess l'm a loser."

364
00:15:43,025 --> 00:15:46,611
(STAGGERlNG) A loser!

365
00:15:47,071 --> 00:15:49,405
Too far! God !

366
00:15:50,866 --> 00:15:54,035
Thanks a lot, man.
Thanks for the advice.

367
00:15:56,830 --> 00:15:57,872
(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

368
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:05,546
Enjoying your nut?

369
00:16:05,631 --> 00:16:06,631
Why?
OSCAR: Kevin.

370
00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:07,674
l'm not mocking.

371
00:16:07,758 --> 00:16:11,344
l was just making
an observation
about her nut.

372
00:16:11,428 --> 00:16:12,971
l was.
(CELL PHONE BLEEPS)

373
00:16:13,055 --> 00:16:15,848
Hey, who wants to watch
Michael's pond dive?

374
00:16:15,933 --> 00:16:19,477
My roommate's friend
is the night janitor
over there.

375
00:16:19,561 --> 00:16:23,231
He swiped
the security tape for me,
and he's bringing it over.

376
00:16:23,315 --> 00:16:27,110
Mmm. You know what?
Maybe we should go
easy on Michael, guys.

377
00:16:27,194 --> 00:16:28,194
You know,
you watch that tape,

378
00:16:28,278 --> 00:16:31,864
and you're going to
have to stay late for more
sensitivity training, so.

379
00:16:31,949 --> 00:16:33,866
We'll stay late.
Yeah.

380
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:37,537
You are not a joke.

381
00:16:37,621 --> 00:16:38,663
l am.

382
00:16:38,747 --> 00:16:39,789
You are smart.

383
00:16:39,873 --> 00:16:40,873
Jim is smarter than me.

384
00:16:40,958 --> 00:16:42,917
You are handsome.
Jim is more handsome.

385
00:16:43,002 --> 00:16:47,880
No, Jim is ugly. Please.
l mean, l'd give anything
for his nose. lt's true.

386
00:16:47,965 --> 00:16:50,550
The rest of him, God,
he looks like Popeye's wife.

387
00:16:50,634 --> 00:16:52,593
Wow, Wilma.

388
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:55,388
See, that is funny.
That is a joke.

389
00:16:55,472 --> 00:16:58,099
l know jokes
and you are not a joke.

390
00:16:59,059 --> 00:17:00,518
Her name's not Wilma.

391
00:17:01,478 --> 00:17:03,354
Stop making me laugh.

392
00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:04,856
Well, that went
pretty well.

393
00:17:04,940 --> 00:17:05,898
Yeah, l guess.

394
00:17:05,983 --> 00:17:08,026
We got a maybe.
lt was our first maybe.

395
00:17:08,110 --> 00:17:11,029
Going by the Nard-Dog curve,
l'd say we nailed it.

396
00:17:11,113 --> 00:17:12,113
lf l'm being
completely honest,

397
00:17:12,197 --> 00:17:13,823
l could have done
without the belly kiss.

398
00:17:13,907 --> 00:17:15,450
You know what?
l'm sorry,

399
00:17:15,534 --> 00:17:18,786
'cause in that moment,
l knew l was kissing
your belly too much.

400
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,246
Yeah, way too much.
Yeah.

401
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:22,081
l mean,
what the hell
was that?

402
00:17:22,166 --> 00:17:23,541
What the heck was that?

403
00:17:23,625 --> 00:17:24,625
When you cried.

404
00:17:24,710 --> 00:17:27,211
(SlGHS) Try
"almost cried."
Okay?

405
00:17:27,296 --> 00:17:29,213
l just got caught
up in the fantasy.

406
00:17:29,298 --> 00:17:32,550
Your fantasy involves
comparison shopping
birthing classes?

407
00:17:32,634 --> 00:17:35,887
No. l know l'm going
to go with Miss Janet.

408
00:17:35,971 --> 00:17:39,265
l just. . . l don't know,
it was fun to role-play,
right?

409
00:17:39,349 --> 00:17:40,391
Hmm.

410
00:17:40,476 --> 00:17:43,895
lt was fun for me,
having a wife
and a little baby.

411
00:17:45,022 --> 00:17:47,356
l'm so sick of
being single.

412
00:17:47,441 --> 00:17:49,734
Well, are you
dating anyone?

413
00:17:49,818 --> 00:17:53,529
What do you think of Erin?
l mean, she's kind of cool.

414
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:55,364
(EXCLAlMS SCORNFULLY)

415
00:17:55,449 --> 00:17:56,532
You think
l can do better?

416
00:17:56,617 --> 00:17:58,409
(EXCLAlMS SCORNFULLY)

417
00:17:58,619 --> 00:18:00,703
Got to get my
going out on.

418
00:18:01,997 --> 00:18:02,955
Hey, let's watch
this thing.

419
00:18:03,040 --> 00:18:04,499
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
okay, yeah.

420
00:18:04,583 --> 00:18:05,666
We're not watching this.

421
00:18:05,751 --> 00:18:07,085
How can we
not watch this?

422
00:18:07,169 --> 00:18:08,669
What happened
to "Do not mock"?

423
00:18:08,754 --> 00:18:10,171
We're not mocking,
we're watching.

424
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:12,215
That will inevitably
lead to mocking, so.

425
00:18:12,299 --> 00:18:13,549
PHYLLlS: Well,
we'll deal with
it as it comes.

426
00:18:13,634 --> 00:18:14,759
ls this the tape
of me falling?

427
00:18:14,843 --> 00:18:15,927
Yes, put the DVD in.
Yep.

428
00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:17,428
Open up QuickTime.
lt starts on its own.

429
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,347
No, use QuickTime,
trust me, l've done this.

430
00:18:19,431 --> 00:18:21,474
Guys, Michael
can't handle this.

431
00:18:21,558 --> 00:18:23,893
And as your boss,
l'm saying,
we're not watching it.

432
00:18:23,977 --> 00:18:26,604
No, it's okay, watch it.
He can't fire all of you.

433
00:18:26,688 --> 00:18:27,730
JlM: What are you doing?

434
00:18:27,815 --> 00:18:29,232
lt's all right.
l can handle it.

435
00:18:29,316 --> 00:18:30,608
No.
l am a grownup, Jim.

436
00:18:30,692 --> 00:18:31,692
MEREDlTH: lt's on.

437
00:18:31,777 --> 00:18:32,777
KEVlN: There they come.

438
00:18:33,487 --> 00:18:34,779
(ALL EXCLAlMlNG)

439
00:18:34,863 --> 00:18:36,197
Boom !

440
00:18:36,240 --> 00:18:37,949
OSCAR: Oh !
Did you see that?
See what?

441
00:18:38,033 --> 00:18:39,283
Wait, why did
you stop it?

442
00:18:39,368 --> 00:18:41,077
Oscar, yes,
you're right
to stop it.

443
00:18:41,161 --> 00:18:42,411
Thank you, eject it.

444
00:18:42,496 --> 00:18:44,288
Jim, you let
Michael fall in.

445
00:18:44,373 --> 00:18:45,498
DWlGHT: Play it again.

446
00:18:47,376 --> 00:18:48,626
(ALL EXCLAlM)

447
00:18:48,710 --> 00:18:51,712
DWlGHT: He purposefully
leaned away and let you fall.

448
00:18:51,922 --> 00:18:54,006
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Oh, man !

449
00:18:57,010 --> 00:19:00,304
l think when l started
to see you go in,
l think l just froze.

450
00:19:00,389 --> 00:19:02,348
l don't think
you froze.

451
00:19:04,810 --> 00:19:07,103
lt's a killer
new dance move.

452
00:19:08,897 --> 00:19:10,523
(SOFTLY) Do you
want to talk
in your office?

453
00:19:10,607 --> 00:19:11,649
No.

454
00:19:12,401 --> 00:19:15,736
l didn't ask you.
Would you like to talk?

455
00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:19,699
(WHlSPERS) Judas.

456
00:19:19,783 --> 00:19:21,492
Jim is my enemy,
but it turns out

457
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:23,661
that Jim is also
his own worst enemy.

458
00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:28,416
And the enemy of my enemy
is my friend, so Jim
is actually my friend.

459
00:19:30,377 --> 00:19:33,171
But, because he is
his own worst enemy,

460
00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,047
the enemy of my
friend is my enemy,

461
00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:37,258
so actually
Jim is my enemy.

462
00:19:38,093 --> 00:19:39,093
But. . .

463
00:19:39,511 --> 00:19:42,263
l should have
grabbed you. l'm sorry.

464
00:19:43,348 --> 00:19:47,143
Look, l thought l could
have done today's
sales call alone.

465
00:19:47,644 --> 00:19:49,729
l mean,
l may never be as good
a salesman as you are,

466
00:19:49,813 --> 00:19:52,815
but l at least need
the chance to do the job.

467
00:19:54,401 --> 00:19:56,194
Jim is jealous of me?

468
00:19:59,531 --> 00:20:01,324
Jim is jealous of me.

469
00:20:05,454 --> 00:20:07,038
Hey, what's up,
lifeguard?

470
00:20:07,122 --> 00:20:09,081
OSCAR: Jim, l think
l'm in your way.

471
00:20:09,583 --> 00:20:11,167
(BOTH CHUCKLlNG)

472
00:20:16,006 --> 00:20:17,632
Oscar's a douche.

473
00:20:20,219 --> 00:20:21,594
He's all right.
No.

474
00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:23,971
He's. . . Yeah,
he's all right.

475
00:20:26,683 --> 00:20:27,808
Okay.

476
00:20:32,481 --> 00:20:33,689
Thanks, Michael.
You're welcome.

477
00:20:33,982 --> 00:20:36,234
Whoa! Almost fell.

478
00:20:36,318 --> 00:20:37,652
(CHUCKLES)

479
00:20:42,658 --> 00:20:45,618
Hey, Erin, do you mind
faxing this for me?
Oh, sure.

480
00:20:45,702 --> 00:20:47,411
Wait, hand them
to me upside down,

481
00:20:47,496 --> 00:20:49,956
so l don't
accidentally
read them.

482
00:20:50,791 --> 00:20:51,791
Okay.
Thanks.

483
00:20:51,875 --> 00:20:52,917
Mmm-hmm.

484
00:20:53,001 --> 00:20:55,628
How did today go, by the way?
Did you make any sales?

485
00:20:55,712 --> 00:20:58,130
No, it was a total
waste of time.

486
00:21:01,343 --> 00:21:02,385
lt was fun, though,

487
00:21:02,469 --> 00:21:04,011
because l got
to spend the day

488
00:21:04,096 --> 00:21:06,347
with Andy Bernard
and he's really cool.

489
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:09,141
Yeah, he is.

490
00:21:09,226 --> 00:21:11,394
He's like the coolest
person l've ever met.

491
00:21:11,478 --> 00:21:13,354
That's right.

492
00:21:14,439 --> 00:21:16,399
He's like Marlon Brando.

493
00:21:19,152 --> 00:21:22,530
Oh, do you mean
Marlon Wayans?
'Cause he is.

494
00:21:23,323 --> 00:21:25,783
l actually do mean
Marlon Wayans. Yeah.