1 00:00:03,086 --> 00:00:04,753 Good morning, everybody. 2 00:00:04,838 --> 00:00:08,257 Who would like an authentic New York bagel, hmm? 3 00:00:08,341 --> 00:00:09,675 Stanley? Thank you. 4 00:00:09,759 --> 00:00:13,262 Oh, no, no, no. l got a pumpernickel just for you. 5 00:00:13,346 --> 00:00:15,681 Wow, H&H. 6 00:00:15,765 --> 00:00:18,851 You went all the way to New York City to get us bagels? 7 00:00:18,935 --> 00:00:21,520 Why? ls there a place closer that sells them? 8 00:00:21,604 --> 00:00:23,147 This is really nice, Dwight. Thanks. 9 00:00:23,231 --> 00:00:24,231 Thanks. 10 00:00:24,315 --> 00:00:25,607 Oh, don't mention it. 11 00:00:25,692 --> 00:00:28,610 You owe me one. You all owe me one. 12 00:00:28,695 --> 00:00:30,612 Good morning, Michael. Morning, Dwight. 13 00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:31,697 Hungry? 14 00:00:31,781 --> 00:00:33,699 No, l had a fish stick sandwich. 15 00:00:33,783 --> 00:00:35,451 Actually, l had two fish stick sandwiches. 16 00:00:35,535 --> 00:00:37,286 My girlfriend didn't want hers, 17 00:00:37,370 --> 00:00:39,872 because l guess l'm the only aphrodisiac she needs. 18 00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,540 Fish sticks are not an aphrodisiac. Yeah. 19 00:00:41,624 --> 00:00:43,417 You're thinking of deer penis. lt worked. 20 00:00:43,501 --> 00:00:45,836 Regardless, that was over two hours ago, 21 00:00:45,920 --> 00:00:48,630 and it is now a scientific fact that you are hungry. 22 00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,090 Bagel? 23 00:00:50,175 --> 00:00:51,550 l don't mind if l do. 24 00:00:51,634 --> 00:00:53,302 Okay, l brought cheese, too. 25 00:00:53,386 --> 00:00:54,553 l'm taking one for my lady friend. 26 00:00:54,637 --> 00:00:55,721 Excellent. 27 00:00:55,805 --> 00:00:57,431 Brain food. Thank you very much. 28 00:00:57,515 --> 00:00:58,515 Okay. 29 00:00:59,976 --> 00:01:01,060 You owe me. 30 00:01:01,144 --> 00:01:03,437 Can't a guy just buy some bagels for his friends, 31 00:01:03,521 --> 00:01:05,397 so they'll owe him a favor which he can use 32 00:01:05,482 --> 00:01:10,277 to get someone fired who stole a co-manager position from him anymore? 33 00:01:10,361 --> 00:01:14,406 Jeez, when did everyone get so cynical? 34 00:01:36,679 --> 00:01:38,514 Pam, would you care for a bagel? 35 00:01:38,598 --> 00:01:39,598 Oh, no, thank you. 36 00:01:39,682 --> 00:01:42,935 Oh, that's right, you're a woman and you need to refuse food the first time. 37 00:01:43,019 --> 00:01:44,937 l'll try again. 38 00:01:45,021 --> 00:01:47,272 Please, Pam, reconsider and have a bagel. 39 00:01:47,357 --> 00:01:49,191 l have an early lunch. 40 00:01:50,110 --> 00:01:52,236 PAM: MichaeI's been trying to get Jim and me to hang out 41 00:01:52,320 --> 00:01:54,321 ever since he started dating my mom. 42 00:01:54,405 --> 00:01:57,241 l don't know. l really hoped this thing would just die out, 43 00:01:57,325 --> 00:02:00,410 but today he's planning a birthday lunch for my mom. 44 00:02:00,495 --> 00:02:02,162 And we have to go. 45 00:02:02,872 --> 00:02:07,209 No way out. 46 00:02:08,044 --> 00:02:10,170 These are amazing. You took all these? 47 00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:13,340 l've always found beauty in uncommon places. 48 00:02:13,424 --> 00:02:15,717 Homeless people, graffiti. 49 00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,053 Photography lets me capture all that. 50 00:02:18,138 --> 00:02:19,721 Have you ever been photographed before? 51 00:02:19,806 --> 00:02:21,014 Oh, just by, like, friends. 52 00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:24,226 Well, here's what l've been doing around here. 53 00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:27,104 lt's for a series on exposure in the workplace. 54 00:02:27,188 --> 00:02:29,273 Pammy? Hey! 55 00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,733 Hey! 56 00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,318 Happy birthday. Thank you. 57 00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:35,988 Girls, there they are. 58 00:02:36,072 --> 00:02:37,406 Birthday lunch. Birthday lunch. 59 00:02:37,490 --> 00:02:41,326 There's no better medicine than birthday lunch. 60 00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,912 lt'll cure all of your, 61 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,915 "Gee, l don't know if Michael should be dating my mother." 62 00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:50,002 And fixes all occurrences of, 63 00:02:50,086 --> 00:02:52,421 "l don't really see them together." 64 00:02:52,505 --> 00:02:54,006 So, open wide, Pam, 65 00:02:54,090 --> 00:02:57,134 and take a big old spoonful of birthday lunch medicine. 66 00:02:57,218 --> 00:02:58,552 Take with food. 67 00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:03,432 Pam, aren't you going to introduce us to Michael's girlfriend? 68 00:03:03,516 --> 00:03:05,517 l think you guys all remember my mom from the wedding. 69 00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:07,352 Yeah, l think everyone's met Helene. Hi. 70 00:03:07,437 --> 00:03:08,437 MlCHAEL: Shall we? Wait a minute, 71 00:03:08,521 --> 00:03:10,314 is that another birthday present for me? 72 00:03:10,398 --> 00:03:12,608 'Cause you already gave me a necklace. 73 00:03:12,692 --> 00:03:13,650 Oh, my God, l love it. 74 00:03:13,776 --> 00:03:15,736 Tell her how you gave it to me. No, that wouldn't be. . . 75 00:03:15,820 --> 00:03:19,198 He put it around my neck while l was still asleep this morning. 76 00:03:19,282 --> 00:03:20,532 Nice way to wake up. MlCHAEL: Yeah. 77 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:24,536 The rest of the story has been censored due to inappropriocity. 78 00:03:24,621 --> 00:03:26,371 Because of sex? Kevin ! 79 00:03:26,456 --> 00:03:28,790 Hey, please, Kevin. You're fired. 80 00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:32,127 Sorry, sorry, work with a bunch of idiots. Shall we go? 81 00:03:32,212 --> 00:03:33,587 HELENE: Yes, let's go. 82 00:03:34,339 --> 00:03:35,631 Oh, wait. 83 00:03:35,715 --> 00:03:38,884 Swartz Lumber's on the phone for you, Pam. And they say it's urgent. 84 00:03:38,968 --> 00:03:41,261 Oh, you guys, just one second. 85 00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:44,681 Oh, my gosh. 86 00:03:45,308 --> 00:03:46,975 Are you serious? 87 00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:48,769 Shipping emergency. 88 00:03:48,853 --> 00:03:50,103 l don't think l can go to lunch. 89 00:03:50,188 --> 00:03:53,523 Oh, man, that's crazy. Right as we were on our way out, too. 90 00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:55,567 l know. lsn't that always how it goes? 91 00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,903 Rarely, if ever. 92 00:03:57,987 --> 00:03:59,196 Let me give it a whirl, l'll talk to them. 93 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:00,489 l will handle it. That's okay. 94 00:04:00,573 --> 00:04:02,324 l feel like it's. . . lt's my pleasure. 95 00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:04,576 Hello? Well, that's great. 96 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:06,620 Turns out, the paper was there all along. 97 00:04:06,704 --> 00:04:08,205 Oh, thank God. 98 00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:12,501 Something's up. That paper was never supposed to arrive. 99 00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:15,420 So, Pammy, are you still liking sales? 100 00:04:15,505 --> 00:04:17,172 Yeah, it's exciting. 101 00:04:18,675 --> 00:04:22,052 You know, Michael and l were talking, 102 00:04:22,136 --> 00:04:24,263 and maybe, if you put in a little more 103 00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:28,100 face-to-face time with your clients, you could improve your sales. 104 00:04:28,184 --> 00:04:29,601 Pam's sales are fine, actually. 105 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:32,104 Just want you to succeed, Pammy. 106 00:04:32,188 --> 00:04:34,564 You know what, we shouldn't even be talking about business today. 107 00:04:34,649 --> 00:04:35,607 Thank you. 108 00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:37,526 Today's about family. 109 00:04:37,610 --> 00:04:40,696 Why did l get in the car? l could've struggled. 110 00:04:41,239 --> 00:04:43,365 l have a whistle in my purse, l didn't even blow it. 111 00:04:45,243 --> 00:04:47,786 Oh, Dwight, l have a little surprise for you. 112 00:04:47,870 --> 00:04:50,789 Let me guess, you ate the bagel l gave you and loved it. 113 00:04:50,873 --> 00:04:52,040 Yes. 114 00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:54,876 And l wanted to return the favor. 115 00:04:54,961 --> 00:04:57,170 l was polishing my loafers and l happened to look over 116 00:04:57,255 --> 00:05:00,299 and notice that your briefcase was a little worse for the wear, 117 00:05:00,383 --> 00:05:02,050 so a little elbow grease, 118 00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:05,595 and she's polished right up, back to her former glory. 119 00:05:05,680 --> 00:05:08,098 Well. Feel it against your cheek. 120 00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:09,975 l will. 121 00:05:10,059 --> 00:05:11,977 You give me a gift, bam, thank you note. 122 00:05:12,061 --> 00:05:14,521 You invite me somewhere, pow, RSVP. 123 00:05:15,231 --> 00:05:18,317 You do me a favor, wham, favor returned. 124 00:05:20,278 --> 00:05:22,487 Do not test my politeness. 125 00:05:22,572 --> 00:05:24,239 Let me get that door for you. There we go. 126 00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:25,991 Thank you very much, and l got it for you. 127 00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:28,910 Oh ! Goodness. Thanks. 128 00:05:28,995 --> 00:05:31,163 You know, here's a healthy fitness tip, 129 00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:32,956 if you clench your buttocks together while walking, 130 00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:34,708 you can really take the pressure off your knees. 131 00:05:34,792 --> 00:05:36,418 ANDY: ls that right? DWlGHT: Observe. 132 00:05:37,920 --> 00:05:38,920 (BOTH CHUCKLlNG) 133 00:05:39,005 --> 00:05:40,005 Right? That really works. 134 00:05:40,089 --> 00:05:42,174 Yeah. Feel free to use that. Anytime, okay. 135 00:05:42,258 --> 00:05:43,967 Hey, hold on a second. 136 00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:47,304 Do not walk around with your jacket catawampus. 137 00:05:47,388 --> 00:05:49,181 And that needs to be straight as an arrow. 138 00:05:49,265 --> 00:05:51,475 Thank you very much. 139 00:05:51,809 --> 00:05:54,519 Oh, boy. Hey, thank you very much for that. 140 00:05:54,604 --> 00:05:57,356 You are welcome. Have a seat. Allow me. 141 00:05:57,440 --> 00:05:59,358 Have a seat yourself. 142 00:05:59,442 --> 00:06:01,318 You know what? l am going to preemptively 143 00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:04,363 change the batteries in your wireless mouse. 144 00:06:04,447 --> 00:06:05,530 Not necessary. No, no, no! 145 00:06:05,615 --> 00:06:07,949 You didn't have to do that. 146 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,701 Andy is complicating things. 147 00:06:09,786 --> 00:06:12,454 But l'm not worried. This will only up my game. 148 00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:16,208 Hello. Scott. Table for four. 149 00:06:16,292 --> 00:06:19,753 Welcome, Scott family. lt'll be just a moment. 150 00:06:19,837 --> 00:06:22,881 l used to love coming here. The chicken parm is good. 151 00:06:22,965 --> 00:06:27,511 Big part of my childhood. Maybe Michael will start dating that, too. 152 00:06:27,595 --> 00:06:30,555 What table should we take? So many to choose from. 153 00:06:30,640 --> 00:06:33,308 Wow. Oh, my God. 154 00:06:33,393 --> 00:06:38,772 What? All l see are boring old tables with no birthday decorations. 155 00:06:38,856 --> 00:06:42,484 Oh, wait a second, you mean this one? Wow! 156 00:06:43,027 --> 00:06:44,486 Michael, you did all this? 157 00:06:44,570 --> 00:06:46,738 lt's not about taking credit. Let's just say we all did it. 158 00:06:46,823 --> 00:06:48,824 Well, thank you, all of you. 159 00:06:48,908 --> 00:06:52,119 Well, it was actually me alone, so. . . 160 00:06:52,203 --> 00:06:53,578 Wow, look at this place. 161 00:06:53,663 --> 00:06:55,539 lt really makes me want to go to ltaly someday. 162 00:06:55,623 --> 00:06:58,500 Oh, you'll love it. You can have my guidebooks. 163 00:06:58,584 --> 00:07:00,419 l think l'm done with those really long plane rides. 164 00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:02,337 Thank you for. . . 165 00:07:02,422 --> 00:07:04,131 Thanks for lending me the books. 166 00:07:04,215 --> 00:07:07,676 So, Mom, which birthday are we celebrating this year? 167 00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:08,885 Sticking with 49. 168 00:07:08,970 --> 00:07:10,262 Forty-nine again? 169 00:07:10,346 --> 00:07:13,432 That's nine years in a row. This is now our longest family tradition. 170 00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:15,225 That's funny. 171 00:07:15,309 --> 00:07:17,102 Well, as long as we're running numbers, Pam, 172 00:07:17,186 --> 00:07:18,395 help me out with this one. 173 00:07:18,479 --> 00:07:20,897 Let's see, honey, you're six months pregnant, 174 00:07:20,982 --> 00:07:24,526 but you've only been married for 30 days, so what does that add up to? 175 00:07:24,610 --> 00:07:28,530 Ooh, burn, burn on you. And a little bit on me, too. 176 00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:30,657 You're 54 years old. 177 00:07:30,741 --> 00:07:32,617 No, l'm 58. 178 00:07:33,995 --> 00:07:35,245 You're 58 years old? 179 00:07:35,329 --> 00:07:36,496 Uh-huh. 180 00:07:37,039 --> 00:07:38,665 Congratulations. 181 00:07:38,749 --> 00:07:41,293 The only time you should care about a woman's age 182 00:07:41,377 --> 00:07:42,919 is if she is too young for you. 183 00:07:43,004 --> 00:07:46,047 And l am not robbing the cradle. 184 00:07:46,132 --> 00:07:49,509 lf anything, l am robbing the grave. 185 00:07:50,803 --> 00:07:52,471 Mom, have you decided what you want to be called? 186 00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:56,433 l mean, l like Nana, but l also like the classic Grandma. 187 00:07:56,559 --> 00:07:58,602 Please be Grandma. l want you to be Grandma. Definitely a Grandma. 188 00:07:58,686 --> 00:08:01,188 (EXCLAlMS) Michael. What do you think? Grandma? 189 00:08:01,898 --> 00:08:02,939 Uh-huh. 190 00:08:03,024 --> 00:08:04,483 Yay! Grandma. 191 00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,908 Hey, would you guys ever do a triathlon, you think? 192 00:08:12,992 --> 00:08:14,117 Maybe. 193 00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:15,285 Helene? 194 00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:16,912 No. l don't think so. 195 00:08:16,996 --> 00:08:19,247 l am. l'm definitely going to do it. 196 00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,666 l've already got the run and the bike thing down, 197 00:08:21,751 --> 00:08:24,669 just need to learn how to swim. Come on, you in? 198 00:08:24,754 --> 00:08:28,465 No, no. l think a triathlon is pretty much something l can rule out. 199 00:08:28,549 --> 00:08:30,675 l don't know, it just doesn't interest me. 200 00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:33,512 So, it's a matter of interest. Good. Okay. 201 00:08:33,596 --> 00:08:36,556 lt's not anything you would have ever done? 202 00:08:36,641 --> 00:08:38,016 l might have done it when l was younger, 203 00:08:38,100 --> 00:08:40,101 but now there are just other things l'd rather be doing 204 00:08:40,186 --> 00:08:41,645 than running and jumping and swimming. . . 205 00:08:41,729 --> 00:08:44,147 Well, there's no jumping in a triathlon. Oh ! 206 00:08:44,232 --> 00:08:45,607 You're thinking the broad jump. 207 00:08:45,691 --> 00:08:48,652 Would you try bungee jumping? No. 208 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:50,946 Snowboarding? No, no, you want to go snowboarding? 209 00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:52,697 l might, l might. 210 00:08:52,782 --> 00:08:54,616 Michael, what are you talking about? 211 00:08:54,700 --> 00:08:56,159 (SlGHS) 212 00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:58,537 Nothing, just life 213 00:09:00,289 --> 00:09:05,085 and doing things before you die. l don't know. 214 00:09:05,628 --> 00:09:08,838 Do l really want to go snowboarding? No. 215 00:09:08,923 --> 00:09:12,133 But l would like to if l wanted to. 216 00:09:13,052 --> 00:09:15,971 (MlMlCKlNG FANFARE) 217 00:09:16,639 --> 00:09:17,764 (EXCLAlMlNG) 218 00:09:17,848 --> 00:09:18,890 What's going on in here? 219 00:09:18,975 --> 00:09:20,058 Andy bought lunch. 220 00:09:20,142 --> 00:09:21,768 Oh, no, really? 221 00:09:21,852 --> 00:09:22,894 Yep, yep. 222 00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:25,438 Took a page right out of the old Schrute book of niceness. 223 00:09:25,523 --> 00:09:27,691 There is no book, there's only a survival guide. 224 00:09:27,775 --> 00:09:30,026 You bought breakfast for everyone, 225 00:09:30,111 --> 00:09:31,403 so l got lunch for everyone. 226 00:09:31,487 --> 00:09:34,406 Okay, well, allow me. You know what? 227 00:09:34,490 --> 00:09:37,242 Gosh, these tacos are awfully complicated to make. 228 00:09:37,326 --> 00:09:39,452 l will make everyone's tacos! 229 00:09:39,537 --> 00:09:41,329 (EXCLAlMlNG) 230 00:09:41,831 --> 00:09:42,998 So we should get the check. 231 00:09:43,082 --> 00:09:44,958 What about your gift, Michael? Whoa, no, no, no. 232 00:09:45,042 --> 00:09:47,586 No, it's stupid. You'd hate it, l hate it. 233 00:09:47,670 --> 00:09:49,212 l'm sure l won't. Yes, you will. 234 00:09:49,297 --> 00:09:52,132 He locked himself in his office all morning working on it. 235 00:09:52,216 --> 00:09:54,175 Give me. Look at this wrapping paper. 236 00:09:54,260 --> 00:09:56,678 lt's got the word "love" on it in every language. 237 00:09:56,762 --> 00:10:00,932 l literally. . . l put no thought into the wrapping at all. 238 00:10:01,017 --> 00:10:03,393 Might as well have been toilet paper. 239 00:10:03,477 --> 00:10:05,770 Toilet paper. Let's see. 240 00:10:05,855 --> 00:10:10,442 "A scrapbook of our first memories, by Michael Gary Scott, 241 00:10:10,526 --> 00:10:13,903 "for my girlfriend, Helene, on your birthday." 242 00:10:13,988 --> 00:10:16,573 That's just an arbitrary title. 243 00:10:16,657 --> 00:10:17,991 Okay, here's a penny. 244 00:10:18,075 --> 00:10:19,576 What's that from? Penny for your thoughts. 245 00:10:19,660 --> 00:10:21,369 lt was from the wishing well at the mall. 246 00:10:21,454 --> 00:10:25,540 You threw it in, l went back later, waded in, and l found it. 247 00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:26,625 That's amazing. 248 00:10:26,709 --> 00:10:31,004 lt's not amazing at all. lt's sort of weird that l went and did that. 249 00:10:31,088 --> 00:10:34,257 And now your wish won't come true, so that blows. 250 00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:37,218 A poem. Oh, that l plagiarized, l think. 251 00:10:37,303 --> 00:10:41,222 "l cannot go to school today said little Peggy Ann McKay" 252 00:10:41,891 --> 00:10:43,099 Shel Silverstein? Yeah. 253 00:10:43,184 --> 00:10:44,684 "l have the measles and the mumps 254 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:47,020 "a gash, a rash, and purple bumps 255 00:10:47,104 --> 00:10:48,688 "And my teacher's really mean 256 00:10:48,773 --> 00:10:52,192 "Happy Birthday, l love you, Helene." 257 00:10:52,276 --> 00:10:54,235 lt's really nice, Michael. 258 00:10:54,320 --> 00:10:55,570 l think it sucks. 259 00:10:56,530 --> 00:10:58,239 l think it's wonderful, absolutely wonderful. 260 00:10:58,324 --> 00:11:00,325 Well, that's because you and l have very different tastes, 261 00:11:00,409 --> 00:11:02,285 and you like lame things. 262 00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:05,497 lt's a generational sort of gap between us. 263 00:11:05,581 --> 00:11:08,166 Oh, God, a scrapbook. 264 00:11:08,250 --> 00:11:09,501 Home run, Michael. 265 00:11:09,585 --> 00:11:10,960 You set the bar so high. 266 00:11:11,045 --> 00:11:12,087 That was a bunt. 267 00:11:13,881 --> 00:11:16,007 Whoa, whoa, whoa, Dwight, l'm going to do this. 268 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:18,218 Hey, hey, hey, relax. l got it covered. 269 00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:19,511 No, l insist. 270 00:11:19,595 --> 00:11:21,513 No, no, no, no, no, l insist. 271 00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,016 Okay, Dwight, this is ridiculous. 272 00:11:25,101 --> 00:11:27,310 Don't worry about it, you can just owe me. 273 00:11:27,728 --> 00:11:30,021 Hey, where'd you go? 274 00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,523 Oh, l just went to the bathroom. 275 00:11:31,607 --> 00:11:34,025 And then you stopped at the bar on the way back? 276 00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,610 Got thirsty. 277 00:11:35,695 --> 00:11:38,029 Okay, weirdo. Come on, it's time for cake. 278 00:11:38,114 --> 00:11:39,406 Okay. 279 00:11:39,490 --> 00:11:40,699 Honestly, for a long time, 280 00:11:40,783 --> 00:11:43,618 l thought l was going to grow old with Holly. 281 00:11:44,120 --> 00:11:47,914 And then l met Helene, and she is great, 282 00:11:47,998 --> 00:11:51,584 and she already knows and has done everything 283 00:11:51,669 --> 00:11:56,464 that l have ever wanted to do and can tell me about it. 284 00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:01,970 But l think l want to do those things myself. 285 00:12:02,263 --> 00:12:03,263 Cake's really good. 286 00:12:03,347 --> 00:12:06,266 l know. l love when they use butter-cream frosting. 287 00:12:06,350 --> 00:12:07,976 Finish your cake, Helene. 288 00:12:08,853 --> 00:12:11,229 l want you to enjoy that cake 289 00:12:11,313 --> 00:12:13,732 because l have something terrible l need to tell you. 290 00:12:13,816 --> 00:12:17,360 And l want you to enjoy your cake 291 00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:20,572 before l tell you this terrible, terrible thing. 292 00:12:23,534 --> 00:12:27,328 Helene, l think you're a wonderful person and l. . . 293 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:29,247 God, l've enjoyed dating you 294 00:12:29,331 --> 00:12:31,124 and being your boyfriend so much, 295 00:12:31,208 --> 00:12:36,963 but l have to consider Pam's feelings as a friend and a coworker. 296 00:12:37,047 --> 00:12:41,301 l cannot, in good conscience, continue to date you, 297 00:12:41,385 --> 00:12:43,428 when l know what this is doing to her. 298 00:12:43,512 --> 00:12:46,431 Michael. Michael, it's okay. 299 00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:47,766 No, it's not. 300 00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:50,268 l know that it took me a little while to come around, 301 00:12:50,352 --> 00:12:53,354 and it's still a little weird to get used to, 302 00:12:54,690 --> 00:12:57,525 but you obviously make my mom very happy. 303 00:12:58,194 --> 00:13:00,195 And that makes me happy. 304 00:13:01,030 --> 00:13:03,782 Wow, that just. . . You've really grown. 305 00:13:04,825 --> 00:13:07,410 Well. . . Oh, thank you, Pam. 306 00:13:07,495 --> 00:13:11,790 And l hope you are as gracious during this next part. 307 00:13:13,501 --> 00:13:16,544 Helene, once again, you are a wonderful person, 308 00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:18,087 and you have lived a great life, 309 00:13:18,172 --> 00:13:21,883 and l envy it, and l want it someday, but just in the future. 310 00:13:22,885 --> 00:13:25,345 You need somebody who understands your references. 311 00:13:25,429 --> 00:13:26,554 Who is Kafka-esque? 312 00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:28,723 l've never. . . l don't know him. 313 00:13:30,434 --> 00:13:33,770 There's another woman, and her name is ltaly, 314 00:13:33,854 --> 00:13:36,147 and skydiving, and bungee jumping. 315 00:13:36,440 --> 00:13:37,649 Okay, so. . . 316 00:13:37,733 --> 00:13:39,067 And l want kids. 317 00:13:39,151 --> 00:13:42,028 And you, unfortunately, have already completed 318 00:13:42,112 --> 00:13:43,947 that part of your journey down there. Michael. 319 00:13:44,031 --> 00:13:46,032 lt's not my decision, it's Mother Nature. 320 00:13:46,116 --> 00:13:48,910 And Mother has very strict rules about 321 00:13:57,044 --> 00:13:58,503 fertility. 322 00:13:58,587 --> 00:14:00,755 (STUTTERS) l got it. 323 00:14:01,757 --> 00:14:04,759 l'm 58. What am l supposed to do now? 324 00:14:05,886 --> 00:14:07,720 Well, hobbies. Stop. 325 00:14:09,056 --> 00:14:10,181 (GROANS) 326 00:14:11,267 --> 00:14:13,476 What's going on? Stupid thing wedged up there. 327 00:14:13,561 --> 00:14:14,727 No one in this office will help me. 328 00:14:14,812 --> 00:14:16,229 Yeah, move it. 329 00:14:16,313 --> 00:14:18,773 What if Dwight dies and l still owe him something? 330 00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,775 That is a recipe for a ghost. 331 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,735 Oh, yeah, you're gonna owe me big time. 332 00:14:22,820 --> 00:14:24,153 Looks like a little envelope, there you go. 333 00:14:24,238 --> 00:14:26,197 Yup. Got it. "To Dwight"? 334 00:14:30,202 --> 00:14:31,327 Starbucks gift card. 335 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:32,954 Surprise! 336 00:14:33,831 --> 00:14:36,791 lt's from everybody. $1 5 value. 337 00:14:38,878 --> 00:14:41,546 Damn it! l am no closer to taking Jim down. 338 00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:43,673 (EXCLAlMS) What a waste of a day. 339 00:14:43,757 --> 00:14:47,594 l could've grown poison mushrooms that'd be this high by now! 340 00:14:48,429 --> 00:14:50,680 They're mushrooms, they don't get that high. 341 00:14:51,557 --> 00:14:53,725 Pamela Beesly-Halpert. What? 342 00:14:53,809 --> 00:14:55,393 May l have a word with you in my office, please? 343 00:14:55,477 --> 00:14:56,436 l am working. 344 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:59,522 Well, this is a work-related matter. 345 00:14:59,607 --> 00:15:03,234 Really? Yes. 346 00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:04,986 Join me, please, won't you? 347 00:15:09,283 --> 00:15:10,909 l'm going to give you a raise, Pam. 348 00:15:10,993 --> 00:15:12,076 Why? 349 00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:14,287 Because of all the good work you've done. 350 00:15:14,371 --> 00:15:16,331 l have the lowest sales record of anyone here. 351 00:15:16,415 --> 00:15:18,583 Don't, no. lt's not about numbers Pam, 352 00:15:18,667 --> 00:15:19,959 it's about attitude. 353 00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,879 l have the worst attitude of any person here. 354 00:15:22,963 --> 00:15:25,506 Do you want the raise or what? 355 00:15:25,591 --> 00:15:26,633 Yeah, l'll take it. 356 00:15:26,717 --> 00:15:28,760 Okay, hey. Pam, Pam. 357 00:15:28,844 --> 00:15:31,429 With this raise, there are strings attached. 358 00:15:31,513 --> 00:15:37,268 And that string is attached from my heart to your mean attitude. 359 00:15:37,353 --> 00:15:38,603 You're bribing me? 360 00:15:38,687 --> 00:15:41,814 No, no. No, l am not. Unless you want me to. 361 00:15:41,899 --> 00:15:43,024 Do you want me to? 362 00:15:43,108 --> 00:15:45,360 Because l will, l will bribe you. 363 00:15:45,444 --> 00:15:51,866 No, your face is saying don't, unless l haven't offered you enough. 364 00:15:53,702 --> 00:15:55,703 Your face isn't changing. 365 00:15:56,372 --> 00:15:58,623 What is it? Talk to me, face. 366 00:15:58,707 --> 00:16:00,583 Tell me what Pam's brain is thinking. 367 00:16:02,211 --> 00:16:04,545 Come on, what do you want? What do you want? 368 00:16:04,630 --> 00:16:07,131 Do you want a million dollars? Do you want to hit me? 369 00:16:07,216 --> 00:16:08,800 Do you want me to get down on one knee and beg you? 370 00:16:08,884 --> 00:16:10,927 l want to hit you. What? 371 00:16:11,011 --> 00:16:12,720 l want to hit you. l'll do that. 372 00:16:13,889 --> 00:16:15,640 (CHUCKLES) Okay. 373 00:16:15,724 --> 00:16:17,976 What? l don't. . . Are you kidding? 374 00:16:18,060 --> 00:16:19,143 No, are you kidding? 375 00:16:19,228 --> 00:16:21,437 No, l don't. . . 376 00:16:21,522 --> 00:16:23,398 All right. Come on, l'll take off my jacket 377 00:16:23,482 --> 00:16:25,900 and tense my stomach and you just. . . 378 00:16:25,985 --> 00:16:29,737 No, l don't think l can hit you in the office. 379 00:16:29,822 --> 00:16:31,280 Okay. 380 00:16:31,365 --> 00:16:33,825 So, we'll do it after work. Hmm. 381 00:16:33,909 --> 00:16:36,536 ln the parking lot, in front of everyone. 382 00:16:37,413 --> 00:16:38,746 l'm going to hit you as hard as l can. 383 00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:40,581 Okay. 384 00:16:40,666 --> 00:16:41,666 Okay. Okay. 385 00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:43,710 See you then. See you. 386 00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:45,253 (KNOCK ON DOOR) 387 00:16:47,589 --> 00:16:48,673 RYAN: Hey. Hi. 388 00:16:48,757 --> 00:16:50,591 Quick question. Yeah. 389 00:16:51,427 --> 00:16:53,052 Are you scared? 390 00:16:53,137 --> 00:16:54,512 Never. 391 00:16:54,596 --> 00:16:56,681 About what? A little. What are you talking about? 392 00:16:56,765 --> 00:16:58,683 We heard about the punch. What punch? 393 00:16:58,767 --> 00:17:01,644 Pam. She's going to punch the crap out of your face after work. 394 00:17:01,729 --> 00:17:03,688 l'm pretty sure we said slap. 395 00:17:03,772 --> 00:17:06,649 No, it's a punch and Pam has that crazy pregnancy strength now. 396 00:17:06,734 --> 00:17:09,736 l'm getting concerned that you don't seem to understand 397 00:17:09,820 --> 00:17:12,196 what's going to happen. Do you? 398 00:17:13,115 --> 00:17:15,324 (EXCLAlMS) l'm good. 399 00:17:15,409 --> 00:17:16,409 RYAN: All right. See you there. 400 00:17:17,953 --> 00:17:19,537 Hey. Hey. 401 00:17:19,621 --> 00:17:21,873 Do you and Pam ever get frisky? lnappropriate. 402 00:17:21,957 --> 00:17:24,751 l mean, do you ever wrestle with each other? 403 00:17:24,835 --> 00:17:26,044 All the time. Really? 404 00:17:26,128 --> 00:17:27,170 Yeah. She's strong? 405 00:17:27,254 --> 00:17:28,254 She wants it bad, Michael. 406 00:17:28,338 --> 00:17:29,547 Can you stop this? 407 00:17:29,631 --> 00:17:31,549 l can. Okay. 408 00:17:31,633 --> 00:17:33,551 And l don't support her choice to hit you. 409 00:17:33,635 --> 00:17:34,761 l don't, either. 410 00:17:34,845 --> 00:17:37,180 But at the same time, she goes crazy, 411 00:17:37,264 --> 00:17:39,682 and l do understand her reasoning. 412 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:41,893 Mmm-hmm. l know. 413 00:17:41,977 --> 00:17:43,895 l just need some time. l need some time to think about it. 414 00:17:44,021 --> 00:17:45,688 You got to do. . . Give me some time to make a decision. 415 00:17:45,814 --> 00:17:48,399 How much time do you need? No more than a week, maybe two weeks. 416 00:17:48,484 --> 00:17:49,484 Come on, man. 417 00:17:49,818 --> 00:17:51,944 Pam, can l talk to you for a second? 418 00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,280 l heard about the hit. Just to be sure, 419 00:17:54,364 --> 00:17:55,948 it's off company property, right? Right. 420 00:17:56,033 --> 00:17:58,409 Yeah, okay, l think we should probably be okay. 421 00:17:58,494 --> 00:17:59,952 Okay. Okay. 422 00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:05,500 (WHlSPERS) And the power comes from the back foot. 423 00:18:06,335 --> 00:18:09,462 So, it's all one motion through the body. 424 00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:14,258 So, there's. . . You stay a little low and there's a twist, 425 00:18:14,343 --> 00:18:15,635 and you keep your shoulder down. 426 00:18:15,719 --> 00:18:17,929 And you kind of throw out the arm. 427 00:18:18,013 --> 00:18:19,013 (EXCLAlMS) 428 00:18:19,765 --> 00:18:23,351 Okay, wait, you're saying it comes from the foot? 429 00:18:23,435 --> 00:18:24,435 Yes. 430 00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:25,520 Okay. 431 00:18:26,522 --> 00:18:28,106 Yeah. Okay. 432 00:18:29,191 --> 00:18:30,233 Hey, everybody. 433 00:18:30,317 --> 00:18:32,902 He's not in the men's room, although the seat was warm, 434 00:18:32,986 --> 00:18:34,403 so we may have just missed him. 435 00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:35,738 My money's on Pam. 436 00:18:35,823 --> 00:18:38,574 lt's not a fight. What other outcome could there be? 437 00:18:38,659 --> 00:18:39,700 Michael could win. 438 00:18:39,785 --> 00:18:41,619 How? He can't hit back. 439 00:18:41,703 --> 00:18:44,705 Why can't you just agree with me sometimes? 440 00:18:44,790 --> 00:18:47,125 Am l scared of getting hit in the face? No. 441 00:18:47,209 --> 00:18:50,253 Every day, weirdos pay dominatrixes hundreds of dollars 442 00:18:50,337 --> 00:18:52,004 for that very privilege. 443 00:18:52,089 --> 00:18:55,800 l'm scared l'm going to love it. Let's do this. 444 00:18:56,718 --> 00:18:59,720 lt's okay, guys. l can handle this. Everybody can go home. 445 00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,764 We're here for the show, Michael. 446 00:19:01,849 --> 00:19:03,933 You're just a bunch of voyeurs. 447 00:19:04,017 --> 00:19:05,101 Are you eating popcorn? 448 00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:06,477 lt has almost no calories. 449 00:19:06,562 --> 00:19:07,895 You ready? 450 00:19:09,064 --> 00:19:10,148 Yes. 451 00:19:11,358 --> 00:19:14,068 You have to keep your hands down. l know. 452 00:19:14,903 --> 00:19:17,029 (EXHALES) Okay. All right. 453 00:19:18,407 --> 00:19:19,448 Oh, God ! 454 00:19:19,533 --> 00:19:20,825 Michael, you have to keep your hands down. 455 00:19:20,909 --> 00:19:22,160 Put your hands in your pockets. 456 00:19:22,244 --> 00:19:23,578 Okay! 457 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:31,252 Pam, Pam. 458 00:19:33,255 --> 00:19:35,173 l'm really sorry. l'm sorry. 459 00:19:35,257 --> 00:19:37,091 What are you sorry for? So many things. 460 00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:38,634 l don't know, it's hard to choose. 461 00:19:38,719 --> 00:19:39,802 How about for dating my mom? 462 00:19:39,887 --> 00:19:40,928 Maybe that's it. 463 00:19:41,013 --> 00:19:42,346 And dumping her on her birthday? 464 00:19:42,431 --> 00:19:43,639 Yes. 465 00:19:46,894 --> 00:19:53,274 Okay, just don't ever date a member of my family again. 466 00:19:55,068 --> 00:19:56,694 Okay, l promise. 467 00:19:57,905 --> 00:20:00,615 For the record, your mom came on to me. 468 00:20:02,284 --> 00:20:03,618 Holy crap! 469 00:20:06,121 --> 00:20:08,206 Are you okay? No! 470 00:20:08,290 --> 00:20:09,707 You're okay. 471 00:20:11,043 --> 00:20:12,084 Feel better? 472 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,586 No, you were right. 473 00:20:16,632 --> 00:20:17,673 Wait, why are you limping? 474 00:20:17,758 --> 00:20:19,050 l don't know. 475 00:20:19,134 --> 00:20:20,885 Let's get some raw meat on that face. 476 00:20:20,969 --> 00:20:23,012 l've got a chicken in the freezer upstairs. 477 00:20:23,096 --> 00:20:27,558 As l watched Pam's big, strong hand coming toward my face, 478 00:20:27,643 --> 00:20:30,728 l saw my entire life flash before my eyes. 479 00:20:30,812 --> 00:20:33,272 And guess what? l have four kids. 480 00:20:34,733 --> 00:20:38,194 And l have a hover car and a hover house. 481 00:20:38,278 --> 00:20:41,155 And my wife is a runner, and it shows. 482 00:20:42,199 --> 00:20:46,744 And Pam and Jim are my best friends, and our kids play together. 483 00:20:46,828 --> 00:20:49,997 And l'm happy. 484 00:20:50,082 --> 00:20:52,583 And l am rich and l never die. 485 00:20:54,962 --> 00:20:58,214 lt doesn't sound like much, but it's enough for me. 486 00:20:59,841 --> 00:21:01,801 Good, good, just keep it on there for another five minutes. 487 00:21:01,885 --> 00:21:04,762 lt's cold, Dwight. Let the swelling go down. 488 00:21:04,846 --> 00:21:08,349 Oh, thank you. Thanks. l owe you one, Dwight. 489 00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:12,103 Fire Jim. 490 00:21:12,187 --> 00:21:13,646 No. 491 00:21:13,730 --> 00:21:15,439 l'm cashing in the favor, fire him. 492 00:21:15,524 --> 00:21:16,607 What are you talking. . . Do it. 493 00:21:16,692 --> 00:21:18,401 Promote me. Tri-managers. 494 00:21:18,485 --> 00:21:19,527 Forget that. 495 00:21:19,611 --> 00:21:20,653 Can l have an office? No. 496 00:21:20,737 --> 00:21:22,446 You know what, you can keep your stupid favor. 497 00:21:22,531 --> 00:21:23,864 lt's worthless. 498 00:21:23,949 --> 00:21:27,201 And this is my dinner on your face, l'm keeping it. 499 00:21:28,036 --> 00:21:29,870 Oh, that feels better.