1
00:00:02,252 --> 00:00:06,630
(lN KEVlN'S VOlCE) Oscar,
Toby said he Ieft my GirI
Scout cookies on my chair.

2
00:00:07,090 --> 00:00:10,134
Have you seen them?
Wait, I'm sitting on them.

3
00:00:10,427 --> 00:00:11,552
This is awesome.

4
00:00:11,636 --> 00:00:13,554
Thank you. lt didn't
even take that long.

5
00:00:13,638 --> 00:00:16,348
What's the difference
between a chimichanga,

6
00:00:16,433 --> 00:00:19,101
a chalupa and a tostada?

7
00:00:19,352 --> 00:00:24,273
CaII me back ASAP.
It's urgent.

8
00:00:24,566 --> 00:00:29,028
Wait, this isn't funny.
l don't talk like that.

9
00:00:29,112 --> 00:00:30,571
Say, "Me eat cookie."

10
00:00:30,989 --> 00:00:32,823
No. l won't say it.

11
00:00:32,907 --> 00:00:34,450
Why is everyone
clumped around accounting?

12
00:00:34,534 --> 00:00:35,576
Break it up, you clique.

13
00:00:35,660 --> 00:00:38,662
lt's Kevin
as Cookie Monster
from Sesame Street.

14
00:00:38,747 --> 00:00:40,664
ls that the program
where all those puppets
live in the barrio?

15
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:42,207
MEREDlTH: Mmm-hmm.
l love that show.

16
00:00:42,292 --> 00:00:44,835
This is Kevin.
This is Kevin.

17
00:00:45,462 --> 00:00:47,379
OSCAR: Thank you.
That is an amusing link.

18
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:48,589
l'd like it sent
to me, please.

19
00:00:48,715 --> 00:00:50,257
Me, too, Oscar,
please send it to me.
Yeah, totally.

20
00:00:50,341 --> 00:00:52,217
Yeah, me, too.

21
00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:54,303
Angela,
this is inappropriate.

22
00:00:54,596 --> 00:00:56,346
This is my favorite day.

23
00:01:17,368 --> 00:01:19,161
lt's Secretary's Day.

24
00:01:19,662 --> 00:01:22,915
And it is Erin's
and my three-week
anniversary,

25
00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:26,543
so perfect storm
for a romantic gesture.

26
00:01:27,504 --> 00:01:30,172
Want to make sure
the whoIe office remembers
it's Secretary's Day.

27
00:01:30,256 --> 00:01:34,134
l sent an email blast,
a text blast, a good
oId-fashioned taIk bIast.

28
00:01:34,219 --> 00:01:36,428
I sent a snaiI-maiI
blast a week ago,

29
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:39,098
and a stern reminder via fax
at 7:00 this morning,

30
00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:43,102
so people better step up
and appreciate
the crap out of Erin.

31
00:01:43,186 --> 00:01:44,186
Oh, thank you.

32
00:01:44,270 --> 00:01:45,354
ANDY: I do.

33
00:01:47,565 --> 00:01:48,899
Thank you.

34
00:01:50,944 --> 00:01:54,488
lf it wasn't for secretaries,
l wouldn't have a stepmom.

35
00:01:55,073 --> 00:01:56,990
Welcome back.
Hey, thanks.

36
00:01:57,075 --> 00:02:01,578
PAM: It's my first day back
after maternity leave,
and l miss Cece, of course.

37
00:02:01,913 --> 00:02:03,789
But we need the money.

38
00:02:04,165 --> 00:02:08,001
What was maternity
leave like? Oh.
How do l explain it?

39
00:02:09,003 --> 00:02:11,547
lt rocked.
lt rocked my ass off.

40
00:02:13,299 --> 00:02:16,468
Oh. You couldn't
have watered it?

41
00:02:16,553 --> 00:02:20,097
l literally did not
know that existed
until this moment.

42
00:02:20,598 --> 00:02:23,892
Well, l knew it existed,
and l chose to let it die.

43
00:02:24,727 --> 00:02:26,145
lt's nice to see
you again, Dwight.

44
00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:27,312
Hello, Pam.

45
00:02:27,397 --> 00:02:30,149
l was just wondering
what you had planned
for Secretary's Day.

46
00:02:30,233 --> 00:02:31,984
l'm going to give Erin $1 5.

47
00:02:32,068 --> 00:02:36,697
l know that Erin would be
so psyched if you
took her out to lunch.

48
00:02:37,031 --> 00:02:38,282
A one-on-one
lunch with Erin?

49
00:02:38,366 --> 00:02:40,742
Yeah. She really
looks up to you.

50
00:02:40,827 --> 00:02:43,162
There's only so
much we can do
as her coworkers.

51
00:02:43,246 --> 00:02:46,832
Secretary's Day
is really kind of a
boss-secretary thing.

52
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:52,796
She's kind of a rube.

53
00:02:52,881 --> 00:02:54,047
That's my girlfriend
you're talking about.

54
00:02:54,132 --> 00:02:57,551
Okay. All right. All right.
Okay, l'll take her to lunch.

55
00:02:57,635 --> 00:02:59,428
She's gonna be so psyched.

56
00:02:59,762 --> 00:03:01,889
Hi, Erin.
Happy Secretary's Day.

57
00:03:01,973 --> 00:03:03,390
Well, happy boss's day.

58
00:03:03,558 --> 00:03:05,517
There wouldn't be a secretary
if there was no boss.

59
00:03:05,602 --> 00:03:07,519
l wanted to know
what your plans
for lunch were,

60
00:03:07,604 --> 00:03:11,607
because l was hoping
to ask you to lunch.

61
00:03:11,941 --> 00:03:14,776
l got a picture of you
asking me to lunch.

62
00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:18,530
l was thinking
we could go to Hayworth's,
just the two of us.

63
00:03:18,615 --> 00:03:20,490
(GROANlNG) Well,
Hayworth's is more
business-casual,

64
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:22,868
and they always
screw up your order,
so l'm. . .

65
00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:26,288
Oh. Yeah, okay.
Yeah, that was
a stupid suggestion.

66
00:03:26,372 --> 00:03:29,166
l was thinking someplace
special, so l thought
Hayworth's, but. . .

67
00:03:29,250 --> 00:03:30,542
Okay, well,
we'll figure
something out.

68
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:32,294
Okay.

69
00:03:34,881 --> 00:03:36,173
Okay, let's go
to Hayworth's.

70
00:03:36,257 --> 00:03:37,424
Okay!

71
00:03:38,343 --> 00:03:40,010
Have a cookie, Kev.

72
00:03:40,094 --> 00:03:43,513
Yeah, ha, ha, tray of cookies.
l'm not falling for that.

73
00:03:43,932 --> 00:03:46,225
l brought those in.
lt's my birthday.

74
00:03:46,309 --> 00:03:48,477
That's some stone-cold
narcissism right there.

75
00:03:48,561 --> 00:03:50,479
Man, Darryl, l'm sorry.

76
00:03:51,147 --> 00:03:53,232
Happy birthday.
Thank you.

77
00:03:54,901 --> 00:03:56,902
(MlMlCKlNG COOKlE MONSTER)

78
00:03:57,278 --> 00:03:58,904
(MEREDlTH LAUGHlNG)

79
00:03:58,988 --> 00:04:01,740
KEVlN: They're making
fun of Cookie Monster.
I get that.

80
00:04:01,866 --> 00:04:05,661
But in a strange way,
it feels like they're
making fun of me.

81
00:04:06,663 --> 00:04:11,083
(lN KEVlN'S VOlCE) Oscar,
did you eat some of my M&M's?
The IeveI...

82
00:04:11,167 --> 00:04:12,751
This is violent
and offensive.

83
00:04:12,835 --> 00:04:14,002
Thank you.

84
00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:16,922
And it really makes
me self-conscious
about my voice.

85
00:04:17,006 --> 00:04:18,507
That's awful.

86
00:04:19,759 --> 00:04:21,385
l'm not crying.

87
00:04:21,469 --> 00:04:22,803
You have some
food on your face.

88
00:04:22,887 --> 00:04:26,056
Do my hands feel
sweaty to you?

89
00:04:26,391 --> 00:04:28,684
GABE: The beginning here
has been a IittIe
bit of a fiasco.

90
00:04:29,018 --> 00:04:32,646
Either they don't respect me,
or they respect me too much.

91
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:36,441
And some of them still think
that l'm the lT guy.

92
00:04:36,859 --> 00:04:39,444
This Cookie Monster thing
is an opportunity
to show people

93
00:04:39,529 --> 00:04:41,738
that l'm an authority figure.

94
00:04:44,284 --> 00:04:47,744
Hello, everyone.
lf l might have a
moment of your time.

95
00:04:48,037 --> 00:04:50,414
lt's come to my attention
that people have been watching

96
00:04:50,498 --> 00:04:52,874
and laughing at
a hurtful parody video.

97
00:04:52,959 --> 00:04:57,462
lt is now forbidden
to talk, joke about,
or email this around.

98
00:04:57,714 --> 00:04:58,839
Yeah.

99
00:04:59,215 --> 00:05:01,717
And that's straight
from corporate, so. . .

100
00:05:01,801 --> 00:05:04,428
Not to be scary,
but, yeah,
l would listen to me.

101
00:05:04,512 --> 00:05:06,054
And that's all.

102
00:05:06,222 --> 00:05:07,514
(BlDDlNG FAREWELL lN lTALlAN)

103
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,899
Would you mind
if l listened to my
book on tape?

104
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:19,901
l'm kind of a bookworm.

105
00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:24,948
This is a novelization of
the movie Precious, Based
on the Book Push by Sapphire.

106
00:05:25,033 --> 00:05:28,493
l was thinking
it would be fun to talk
on the way over.

107
00:05:28,619 --> 00:05:31,913
What decade would
you have chosen
to be a teenager?

108
00:05:34,000 --> 00:05:35,334
l don't know.

109
00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,127
l would have
chosen the 1 490s.

110
00:05:37,253 --> 00:05:38,295
(EXCLAlMlNG)

111
00:05:38,379 --> 00:05:40,172
'Cause America
was discovered.

112
00:05:40,256 --> 00:05:41,298
Right.

113
00:05:42,925 --> 00:05:44,259
(SlGHS)

114
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,845
And then my last job was
at a Taco Bell Express,

115
00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:51,308
but then it became a full
Taco Bell and, l don't know,
l couldn't keep up.

116
00:05:51,392 --> 00:05:54,686
My favorite part about being
a receptionist is that l get
to have my own desk.

117
00:05:54,771 --> 00:05:57,856
At my foster home
l never had a desk,
so it's like. . .

118
00:05:57,940 --> 00:06:00,525
l don't mean that
l didn't like my foster
home. l did like it.

119
00:06:00,610 --> 00:06:02,444
l just didn't have
a desk there.

120
00:06:02,528 --> 00:06:05,530
Did you have
a favorite age?
Or month?

121
00:06:07,033 --> 00:06:08,367
An age or month?

122
00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:12,371
Yeah, like a favorite month.
Like, l liked April
when l was seven.

123
00:06:12,455 --> 00:06:15,749
l've been trying.
l've been trying
to keep it going.

124
00:06:18,336 --> 00:06:20,837
Erin is just weird.

125
00:06:21,172 --> 00:06:23,131
How many pillows
do you sleep on at night?

126
00:06:23,216 --> 00:06:25,592
So how are
things going with Andy?

127
00:06:25,676 --> 00:06:27,969
He's the best boyfriend
in the world.

128
00:06:28,888 --> 00:06:30,889
Tell me about him
before l met him.

129
00:06:30,973 --> 00:06:32,432
Well, let's see. . .

130
00:06:34,769 --> 00:06:37,020
Andy plays the banjo.

131
00:06:37,105 --> 00:06:38,772
Yeah, l love that.

132
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:43,902
Other than the fact that
he dated Angela, l don't
think he is a snappy dresser.

133
00:06:43,986 --> 00:06:45,153
What?

134
00:06:45,238 --> 00:06:47,948
l don't think
he is the best dresser.
Reminds me of Easter.

135
00:06:48,032 --> 00:06:52,119
Sorry. About Angela.
Did you say he dated Angela?

136
00:06:52,662 --> 00:06:55,747
Mmm-hmm.
You didn't know that?

137
00:06:55,832 --> 00:06:57,374
WAlTER: Here we go.
Hot plate.

138
00:06:57,458 --> 00:06:58,458
Oh, okay.

139
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:00,335
WAlTER: And your
salad, miss.

140
00:07:01,629 --> 00:07:03,255
Why wouldn't
he tell me that?

141
00:07:03,339 --> 00:07:04,548
l don't know.

142
00:07:05,049 --> 00:07:06,550
Probably didn't
want you to have
a mental image

143
00:07:06,634 --> 00:07:09,052
of him having sex
with somebody else.

144
00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,137
They had sex?

145
00:07:10,221 --> 00:07:12,180
They were engaged, so. . .

146
00:07:14,183 --> 00:07:16,184
Okay, you know what, sir?

147
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,310
WAlTER: Yes?

148
00:07:17,395 --> 00:07:20,147
Yeah, l asked for pickles
on my burger, and there
are only, like, five or six.

149
00:07:20,231 --> 00:07:21,606
Can l get some
more pickles?

150
00:07:21,691 --> 00:07:23,859
Of course.
l'll get you a bowl
of pickles.

151
00:07:23,943 --> 00:07:25,152
MlCHAEL: Thank you.

152
00:07:25,361 --> 00:07:26,945
(GROANlNG)
They were engaged?

153
00:07:27,029 --> 00:07:28,321
Mmm-hmm.

154
00:07:29,449 --> 00:07:30,574
Yeah.

155
00:07:32,285 --> 00:07:33,410
Uh-oh.

156
00:07:33,494 --> 00:07:34,661
Well. . .

157
00:07:36,914 --> 00:07:38,457
(GROANlNG)

158
00:07:39,333 --> 00:07:41,501
What are you doing?
What are you doing?

159
00:07:41,586 --> 00:07:44,421
ln the foster home,
my hair was my room.

160
00:07:46,799 --> 00:07:48,216
(PANTlNG)

161
00:07:48,342 --> 00:07:49,885
(SHOUTlNG)

162
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:52,846
Okay, okay, you know what?
You know what? You know what?

163
00:07:52,930 --> 00:07:55,557
Everybody's looking
at you right now.

164
00:07:57,018 --> 00:07:58,477
(PANTlNG)

165
00:07:59,729 --> 00:08:01,897
l'll have what
she's having.

166
00:08:07,028 --> 00:08:09,696
Did you have a. . .
Did you like your lunch?

167
00:08:09,780 --> 00:08:11,239
Did you have a good lunch?

168
00:08:12,575 --> 00:08:15,410
Did you like that?
Did you enjoy your food?

169
00:08:15,495 --> 00:08:17,162
lt was good.
l liked my lunch.

170
00:08:18,539 --> 00:08:20,624
(GROANlNG)

171
00:08:20,708 --> 00:08:22,042
What's up?

172
00:08:22,251 --> 00:08:24,461
Her milk is coming in.
She's getting uncomfortable.

173
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:25,545
Dwight, don't be gross.

174
00:08:25,630 --> 00:08:27,464
No, no, he's right.

175
00:08:28,049 --> 00:08:31,301
Same thing happens
with my cows if l don't
tend them frequently enough.

176
00:08:31,385 --> 00:08:33,845
You gotta milk them,
or else they'll moo
like crazy.

177
00:08:33,930 --> 00:08:35,472
That's weird,
my breast pump is missing.

178
00:08:35,556 --> 00:08:37,057
Have you seen
my breast pump?

179
00:08:37,141 --> 00:08:38,767
All right, this is
gonna traumatize me

180
00:08:38,851 --> 00:08:41,895
a hell of a lot more
than you, believe me.

181
00:08:41,979 --> 00:08:45,649
You know what, Dwight?
Let me just check
the bathroom first. Okay?

182
00:08:45,733 --> 00:08:48,527
Really? Fine.
Let your breasts explode.

183
00:08:48,611 --> 00:08:50,403
Three squeezes
and l would drain you.

184
00:08:50,488 --> 00:08:51,947
PAM: Mmm.

185
00:08:55,284 --> 00:08:57,077
Meredith !
MEREDlTH: l just
like the way it feels.

186
00:08:57,161 --> 00:08:58,954
PAM: What are you doing?
MEREDlTH: Just relax, okay?

187
00:08:59,038 --> 00:09:00,038
Relax?

188
00:09:00,122 --> 00:09:01,414
This is like
the Cadillac of pumps.

189
00:09:01,499 --> 00:09:02,624
Give it
back to me, now!

190
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,709
Okay. l was just
warming it up.

191
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:05,961
That's. . .
lt's disgusting !

192
00:09:06,045 --> 00:09:07,212
lt's not a big deal.

193
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:08,630
lt's not sterile!

194
00:09:08,714 --> 00:09:10,423
We're both girls.
Who cares?

195
00:09:24,063 --> 00:09:27,190
So, how was lunch?

196
00:09:27,692 --> 00:09:29,025
Lunch was fine.

197
00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:32,654
Was it everything
that you hoped and
dreamed it might be?

198
00:09:33,447 --> 00:09:35,448
l don't know.
lt was lunch, Andy.

199
00:09:35,533 --> 00:09:38,201
Well, l know, l'm. . .
That's what l'm. . .

200
00:09:38,953 --> 00:09:41,037
Just wondering. . .
l mean. . .

201
00:09:43,165 --> 00:09:44,958
Erin, l think
we're out of fax
cover sheets.

202
00:09:45,042 --> 00:09:48,336
God, Oscar, will you
keep your pants on?
lt's easy.

203
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:55,760
(MlMlCKlNG KEVlN)
My name is Kevin.
l'm an accountant.

204
00:09:55,845 --> 00:09:57,095
You see?
l did the voice.

205
00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:58,888
lt's a little derivative.

206
00:09:58,973 --> 00:10:00,307
But parody is
always derivative.

207
00:10:00,391 --> 00:10:02,392
lt's not organic.
Do you know what l mean?

208
00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:04,102
Jim does
a really good one.
Do yours.

209
00:10:04,186 --> 00:10:06,396
Oh, guys,
l really refuse
to participate.

210
00:10:06,480 --> 00:10:09,566
(MlMlCKlNG KEVlN) "Michael,
can l have an advance
on my paycheck,

211
00:10:09,650 --> 00:10:13,361
"because a Mrs. Fields
Cookies just opened
up at the mall !"

212
00:10:13,571 --> 00:10:17,115
Guys, why don't we
leave the parodies
to the pros at MADtv?

213
00:10:17,199 --> 00:10:20,910
"Sorry, Gabe, but that
show hasn't been on
in many cookies."

214
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:22,203
Okay.

215
00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,707
Hey, can l have
your attention, please?

216
00:10:25,791 --> 00:10:26,791
First of all,
thanks to everyone

217
00:10:26,876 --> 00:10:30,128
for helping put this
awesome party together,

218
00:10:30,212 --> 00:10:34,716
and a very special
shout-out to the chair of
the party planning committee,

219
00:10:35,259 --> 00:10:38,303
Miss Angela Martin.
You have outdone yourself.

220
00:10:38,763 --> 00:10:39,846
Yeah, you know what?

221
00:10:39,930 --> 00:10:43,350
l think we can all
agree that Angela's
not so great, so. . .

222
00:10:43,434 --> 00:10:46,144
l'm saying the exact opposite.
Angela is fantastic.

223
00:10:46,228 --> 00:10:47,729
No, no, no.

224
00:10:47,813 --> 00:10:49,147
ANDY: Specific shout-out.

225
00:10:49,357 --> 00:10:50,523
Stop talking.

226
00:10:50,608 --> 00:10:56,196
Okay. As some of you may
know, l have a very special
connection to Secretary's Day

227
00:10:56,280 --> 00:11:01,368
in the form of that 1 1 5-pound
moonbeam over there
named Erin Hannon.

228
00:11:01,702 --> 00:11:04,871
To a lot of you she may just
be the person who brings
you your fax confirmations,

229
00:11:04,955 --> 00:11:07,916
but to me,
she is my girlfriend,

230
00:11:08,626 --> 00:11:12,337
in addition to being
the person who brings me
my fax confirmations.

231
00:11:12,421 --> 00:11:16,424
So, l wrote
a little ditty

232
00:11:17,593 --> 00:11:20,887
that l would like to play
for all of you right now.

233
00:11:20,971 --> 00:11:26,434
lt's a little tune called
Secretary of Love.

234
00:11:27,311 --> 00:11:29,771
One, two, one, two, three. . .

235
00:11:29,855 --> 00:11:31,106
(ALL GASPlNG)

236
00:11:31,190 --> 00:11:32,565
l know about Angela.

237
00:11:32,650 --> 00:11:34,025
l know that you
were engaged to her

238
00:11:34,110 --> 00:11:35,193
and that you were
sleeping with her.

239
00:11:35,277 --> 00:11:37,278
Michael told me.
Oh, God.

240
00:11:38,447 --> 00:11:39,698
Erin, can we talk
about this in private?

241
00:11:39,782 --> 00:11:43,451
l don't want it
to be in private.
ls it true or is it not?

242
00:11:46,205 --> 00:11:48,039
Yes.
Who else did
you sleep with?

243
00:11:48,124 --> 00:11:52,627
Did you sleep with
Phyllis or Kelly or Pam?
Maybe all together?

244
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:53,712
PAM: No. No. No. No.

245
00:11:53,796 --> 00:11:55,880
Did everyone know?
Was l the only one
who didn't know?

246
00:11:55,965 --> 00:11:57,006
Yeah. Pretty much.

247
00:11:57,133 --> 00:11:58,133
KEVlN: Pretty much.
Yeah.

248
00:11:58,259 --> 00:12:02,053
Who are you?
l don't know you.
Get away!

249
00:12:06,726 --> 00:12:08,226
l should probably
get involved in this,

250
00:12:08,310 --> 00:12:12,564
but l think my energy
is better spent on
the Cookie Monster issue.

251
00:12:13,566 --> 00:12:17,485
Erin, you know,
if l had been engaged
to anybody before you,

252
00:12:17,570 --> 00:12:19,446
l would have told you.

253
00:12:20,322 --> 00:12:21,322
Thanks.

254
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:24,492
So if you need anything,
l'm right over there.

255
00:12:25,536 --> 00:12:31,583
(MlMlCKlNG KEVlN) "Hey, Erin,
you look delicious!
l mean, beautiful."

256
00:12:32,460 --> 00:12:35,795
Okay. Okay.
There, l heard that.

257
00:12:35,880 --> 00:12:38,506
So, l'm sorry, Pam,
but that's it.

258
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:42,510
l'm going to have
to suspend you without
pay for two days.

259
00:12:42,595 --> 00:12:44,929
What?
What do you mean,
suspend me?

260
00:12:45,014 --> 00:12:46,431
l think you need
to go a little easy.

261
00:12:46,515 --> 00:12:47,849
You can't just suspend
someone from work.

262
00:12:47,933 --> 00:12:51,728
Yeah, you're right.
You know what?
You're suspended too, Jim.

263
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:56,649
Okay.
Fine. You too, Dwight.

264
00:12:56,734 --> 00:13:00,111
Wait, what? l was just
slow-clapping your no-nonsense
decision-making.

265
00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:02,697
l don't want to hear it.
Suspended.

266
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:07,494
"C" is for suspension.

267
00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:14,417
Why would that be something
that you would talk about
on Secretary's Day?

268
00:13:14,502 --> 00:13:17,796
Andy, she's not the easiest
person in the world to have
a conversation with.

269
00:13:17,880 --> 00:13:21,299
All right? And besides,
who doesn't tell
their girlfriend

270
00:13:21,383 --> 00:13:24,803
that they were engaged
to someone who works
four feet away from them?

271
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:28,264
That's like. . . That's. . .
That's like
Mr. & Mrs. Smith crap.

272
00:13:28,349 --> 00:13:30,809
l was gonna tell her,
just on my own time.

273
00:13:30,893 --> 00:13:34,270
You know what?
l resent the implication that
l would keep that secret.

274
00:13:34,355 --> 00:13:37,899
Everyone here knows
that l can't and won't
keep a secret.

275
00:13:39,652 --> 00:13:40,944
ANDY: Who cares?

276
00:13:41,237 --> 00:13:46,115
l mean, it's not like
l killed somebody.
Big deal, right?

277
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:48,076
This is gonna blow
over in two seconds.

278
00:13:48,160 --> 00:13:50,578
She never asked me,
so if you think about it,
it's kind of. . .

279
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:54,457
l probably should have
told her, l guess.
Everybody does stupid things.

280
00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:57,877
Psst.

281
00:13:57,962 --> 00:14:00,004
Hey. Erin.

282
00:14:01,090 --> 00:14:03,842
You want to talk to me,
come to my desk.

283
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,020
You embarrassed me earlier.

284
00:14:16,105 --> 00:14:18,189
Take it up with
the chief of police.

285
00:14:18,274 --> 00:14:22,569
You think l want people
remembering l had
sensual relations with Andy?

286
00:14:22,653 --> 00:14:24,404
lt's the kind of thing
you wish you could
have annulled.

287
00:14:24,488 --> 00:14:28,700
l want to throw up
just thinking about it.

288
00:14:28,784 --> 00:14:31,202
You are throwing up
for the wrong reasons.

289
00:14:31,287 --> 00:14:33,913
l don't think this
fax is going through.

290
00:14:34,456 --> 00:14:36,124
Oh. . .

291
00:14:36,208 --> 00:14:40,420
ls there a different. . .
l guess put it through
again, you know?

292
00:14:48,470 --> 00:14:49,554
Hey.

293
00:14:51,307 --> 00:14:54,142
You know,
l was engaged before Jim.

294
00:14:56,228 --> 00:14:57,270
Really?

295
00:14:57,354 --> 00:14:59,188
Yeah. And he
worked here, too.

296
00:15:00,232 --> 00:15:02,275
lt was Andy,
wasn't it?

297
00:15:02,359 --> 00:15:04,611
No, no,
it wasn't Andy.
lt wasn't.

298
00:15:05,696 --> 00:15:07,363
lt doesn't matter.

299
00:15:08,324 --> 00:15:11,075
lt's not about
who you've been with.

300
00:15:11,160 --> 00:15:12,619
lt's about who
you end up with.

301
00:15:14,163 --> 00:15:18,791
Sometimes the heart
doesn't know what it wants
until it finds what it wants.

302
00:15:24,882 --> 00:15:27,634
l hope you find what
you're looking for.

303
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,388
Thank you.

304
00:15:44,151 --> 00:15:47,362
So l can reprimand them,
but l can't suspend them?

305
00:15:49,281 --> 00:15:51,950
Oh, l can't do either?
Uh-huh.

306
00:15:52,034 --> 00:15:53,076
Fair enough.

307
00:15:53,202 --> 00:15:54,202
(PHONE RlNGlNG)

308
00:15:54,286 --> 00:15:55,954
Hey, Toby.
TOBY: I called Tallahassee.

309
00:15:56,038 --> 00:15:59,540
Now, he can ask you not
to come in, but he can't
dock your pay. It's not legal.

310
00:15:59,625 --> 00:16:00,833
Very interesting.

311
00:16:00,918 --> 00:16:03,336
I aIso Iearned some
interesting things about
how they structure their...

312
00:16:03,420 --> 00:16:05,296
Thanks, Toby.

313
00:16:05,381 --> 00:16:07,048
GABE: Hey, everyone. Hi.

314
00:16:08,550 --> 00:16:10,510
Quite an afternoon, huh?

315
00:16:10,594 --> 00:16:13,763
Cathartic, in a way.
l'm glad that l got
to share it with you.

316
00:16:14,098 --> 00:16:16,557
Makes you think about
what's really important.

317
00:16:16,642 --> 00:16:20,353
lt's not about showing
you're in charge or flexing
some sort of authority.

318
00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:22,313
lt's about forgiveness.

319
00:16:22,398 --> 00:16:25,483
And, yes,
l'm talking about you three
in this desk clump right here.

320
00:16:25,567 --> 00:16:27,360
l think that if you
were to apologize to me,

321
00:16:27,444 --> 00:16:29,696
then l would revoke
your suspension.

322
00:16:29,780 --> 00:16:31,906
l don't think
an apology is enough.

323
00:16:31,991 --> 00:16:36,744
l really think the only way
for me to learn my lesson
is to take my suspension.

324
00:16:37,204 --> 00:16:39,664
And l gotta take
this bad attitude

325
00:16:39,748 --> 00:16:41,791
and l gotta go home
and l got to adjust it.

326
00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:43,668
DWlGHT: Oh, come on.
l hope the suspension
does that.

327
00:16:43,752 --> 00:16:45,336
PAM: Yeah.
Prideful idiots.

328
00:16:45,421 --> 00:16:49,799
Watch how it's done.
Gabriel, l apologize.

329
00:16:50,718 --> 00:16:51,884
Great.

330
00:16:53,178 --> 00:16:54,929
l kneel before you.

331
00:16:56,098 --> 00:16:58,474
Guys, l would even
take a contrite look
as an apology.

332
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:02,103
Humbly taking your hand
upon which l kiss
to show my contrition.

333
00:17:04,189 --> 00:17:06,983
Guys, to. . .
To err is human.

334
00:17:12,781 --> 00:17:15,074
ERlN: Trust is the most
important thing to me.

335
00:17:15,159 --> 00:17:16,743
ls your name
Andy Bernard?

336
00:17:16,827 --> 00:17:18,745
What's your real name?
Lionel Frankenstein?

337
00:17:18,829 --> 00:17:21,164
Will you stop walking
for one second?

338
00:17:21,248 --> 00:17:23,708
That's it. There's no
other secrets, okay?

339
00:17:24,752 --> 00:17:28,421
l mean, yeah,
my chest is not
naturally hairless,

340
00:17:28,505 --> 00:17:30,465
and my parents pay
my credit card bill.

341
00:17:30,549 --> 00:17:32,884
How long were
you guys together?

342
00:17:32,968 --> 00:17:34,135
A year.

343
00:17:35,054 --> 00:17:36,262
A year?

344
00:17:38,015 --> 00:17:39,432
You were together
for a year?

345
00:17:39,516 --> 00:17:42,977
Yeah. But that's it.
Now you know
everything about me.

346
00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:47,482
l promise.
And if l think of
anything else. . .

347
00:17:48,692 --> 00:17:51,402
l think l have
to be on my own
for a little bit.

348
00:17:51,487 --> 00:17:56,657
Like that girl Precious
in Precious, Based on the
Novel Push by Sapphire. Okay?

349
00:17:57,743 --> 00:17:59,702
l didn't see that movie.

350
00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:03,164
(ALL CHATTERlNG)

351
00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,501
That was ugly.
l'm sorry that you
had to see that.

352
00:18:06,585 --> 00:18:07,877
Well, do they
still get paid?

353
00:18:07,961 --> 00:18:10,046
lt's tacky to
discuss finances.

354
00:18:10,130 --> 00:18:11,964
lt's best to pretend
that this never happened.

355
00:18:12,049 --> 00:18:13,758
Sounds like they just got
to go home with pay.

356
00:18:13,842 --> 00:18:15,426
ANGELA: Yeah.
Pathetic.

357
00:18:15,636 --> 00:18:17,720
Can l buy
everyone coffees?

358
00:18:20,766 --> 00:18:22,517
(MlMlCKlNG KEVlN)
Or cookies!

359
00:18:24,603 --> 00:18:25,603
DWlGHT: What was that?
KELLY: So gross.

360
00:18:25,687 --> 00:18:26,813
Are you kidding me?

361
00:18:26,897 --> 00:18:28,940
Was that an impression?
All right.

362
00:18:29,024 --> 00:18:34,403
(MlMlCKlNG GABE) "Guys,
l'm now going to apologize
for the mess that we're in,

363
00:18:35,030 --> 00:18:36,656
"because corporate
told me to.

364
00:18:36,740 --> 00:18:37,782
(ALL LAUGHlNG)

365
00:18:37,866 --> 00:18:40,910
"l just want you to know,
l laugh like a crazy person."

366
00:18:40,994 --> 00:18:42,578
Okay, you gotta
be able to. . .

367
00:18:42,663 --> 00:18:46,290
You gotta be able to
laugh at yourself here.
One of the gang.

368
00:18:46,375 --> 00:18:50,086
"l have to go back
to the zoo to the
stick insect exhibit."

369
00:18:50,170 --> 00:18:51,796
(ALL LAUGHlNG)
Yeah.

370
00:18:53,423 --> 00:18:56,884
"Ciao. " Right? "Ciao.

371
00:18:57,261 --> 00:19:00,388
"l say ciao
'cause l'm fancy
from Tallahassee."

372
00:19:01,014 --> 00:19:03,808
Why don't we say
ciao to the impressions?

373
00:19:03,892 --> 00:19:06,394
ALL: Ciao.

374
00:19:08,021 --> 00:19:09,480
DWlGHT: Stick insect.

375
00:19:11,108 --> 00:19:13,151
God.

376
00:19:16,071 --> 00:19:17,155
Erin?
Oh.

377
00:19:18,532 --> 00:19:19,574
Sorry. l thought
everyone was gone.

378
00:19:19,658 --> 00:19:22,493
No, no. l was just
watching Cookie Monster.
lt finally downloaded.

379
00:19:22,578 --> 00:19:23,661
Do you mind
if l sit down?

380
00:19:23,745 --> 00:19:24,745
Yeah.

381
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,080
What's. . .

382
00:19:28,083 --> 00:19:29,917
l can't trust
Andy anymore.

383
00:19:30,002 --> 00:19:35,882
Oh, yeah. l'm sorry
about that. l feel. . .
l'm sorry l caused that.

384
00:19:35,966 --> 00:19:37,091
lt's Andy's fault.

385
00:19:37,176 --> 00:19:40,178
Well, yeah. Yes. So. . .
But l still feel sorry.

386
00:19:43,682 --> 00:19:45,183
(SlGHS)

387
00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:48,686
You know what?
l wouldn't worry
about Angela. She's. . .

388
00:19:49,354 --> 00:19:51,314
She doesn't hold
a candle to you, Erin.

389
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:55,443
She's old enough
to be your mom,
for one thing,

390
00:19:55,611 --> 00:19:59,238
and she's, like,
three feet tall,

391
00:19:59,323 --> 00:20:00,990
(BOTH LAUGHlNG)

392
00:20:01,074 --> 00:20:04,785
and she wears
pioneer women clothing,

393
00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:08,831
and l don't think
she's ever pooped
in her life.

394
00:20:09,416 --> 00:20:14,712
And Andy? You know. . .
Come on. Andy, his butt
looks big in those khakis.

395
00:20:14,796 --> 00:20:16,797
Oh, l like his butt.

396
00:20:18,217 --> 00:20:19,926
You said butt.

397
00:20:20,010 --> 00:20:21,260
You tricked me.

398
00:20:21,345 --> 00:20:23,054
(BOTH EXCLAlMlNG)

399
00:20:25,515 --> 00:20:27,225
(EXCLAlMlNG)
You'd love. . .

400
00:20:27,309 --> 00:20:30,519
This. . . This guy
in my neighborhood,
Tom Dizemore.

401
00:20:30,854 --> 00:20:34,607
This is him. (GRUFFLY)
"Hey! Hey, Scott. . ."

402
00:20:34,691 --> 00:20:38,653
ANDY: Sometimes teIIing
someone something is hard.

403
00:20:40,656 --> 00:20:44,283
Well, at least somebody
made her happy
on Secretary's Day.

404
00:20:46,203 --> 00:20:49,080
(lN OSCAR'S VOlCE) Hey, Kevin,
it's Oscar. I'm Iooking at the
sheet you sent me,

405
00:20:49,164 --> 00:20:51,249
and I can't seem
to find the coIumn
for shipping costs...

406
00:20:51,333 --> 00:20:55,378
l made the most
brilliant retaliation video.

407
00:20:56,046 --> 00:20:58,214
lt is so awesome.

408
00:20:58,548 --> 00:21:00,091
l don't get it.

409
00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:02,343
Yeah, l mean,
the Count has
a very distinct voice.

410
00:21:02,427 --> 00:21:03,552
Thank you.

411
00:21:03,637 --> 00:21:05,388
Yeah, "l want
to count to 1 0."

412
00:21:05,472 --> 00:21:06,430
OSCAR: Yeah.

413
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,640
But Oscar is
an accountant,

414
00:21:07,724 --> 00:21:09,934
and the Count
counts numbers.

415
00:21:10,018 --> 00:21:11,769
You're an accountant,
too, so it doesn't. . .

416
00:21:11,853 --> 00:21:13,396
Why didn't you do
Oscar the Grouch?

417
00:21:13,480 --> 00:21:15,022
That would
have been funny.
That would have been funny.

418
00:21:15,107 --> 00:21:18,150
But the Count is purple,
and Oscar wears purple.

419
00:21:18,235 --> 00:21:23,447
Oh ! Oh ! l was just
watching that. Did you
do that, man? Oscar!

420
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:28,035
And the Count!
Nailed him. Nailed him !
Good work, Cookie Monster.

421
00:21:28,203 --> 00:21:29,537
Thank you.