1 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:29,070 Last week, I gave a fire safety talk, 2 00:00:30,572 --> 00:00:32,782 and nobody paid any attention. 3 00:00:33,450 --> 00:00:35,785 It's my own fault for using PowerPoint. 4 00:00:35,953 --> 00:00:37,328 PowerPoint is boring. 5 00:00:37,955 --> 00:00:40,206 People learn in lots of different ways, 6 00:00:40,290 --> 00:00:43,209 but experience is the best teacher. 7 00:00:48,799 --> 00:00:51,592 Today, smoking is going to save lives. 8 00:01:10,821 --> 00:01:13,281 Does anyone smell anything smoky? 9 00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:15,908 Did you bring your jerky in again? 10 00:01:20,748 --> 00:01:22,790 Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 11 00:01:23,625 --> 00:01:24,584 Fire! 12 00:01:24,668 --> 00:01:27,170 Oh, fire! Oh, my goodness. What's the procedure? 13 00:01:27,254 --> 00:01:29,005 What do we do, people? The phones are dead. 14 00:01:29,089 --> 00:01:30,298 Oh. How did that happen? 15 00:01:30,382 --> 00:01:31,424 It's out in the hall. 16 00:01:31,508 --> 00:01:32,467 No. We don't know that. 17 00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:33,926 The smoke could be coming through an air duct. 18 00:01:34,011 --> 00:01:35,553 Oh, my God! Okay, it's happening. 19 00:01:35,637 --> 00:01:36,804 Everybody stay calm. Everybody stay calm! 20 00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:38,222 What's the procedure, everyone? 21 00:01:38,307 --> 00:01:39,974 What's the procedure? Stay... calm! 22 00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:42,351 Everybody just... calm down! 23 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:44,645 No, no, Michael, no! Touch the handle. 24 00:01:44,730 --> 00:01:47,690 If it's hot there could be a fire in the hallway! 25 00:01:48,859 --> 00:01:50,693 What does warm mean? Oh, my gosh. Try a different door. 26 00:01:50,861 --> 00:01:52,820 Not a viable option. What next? 27 00:01:52,905 --> 00:01:54,113 - Don't run! - Try the other door. 28 00:01:54,198 --> 00:01:57,116 Here's a door. Check that one out. How's the handle? 29 00:01:57,201 --> 00:01:59,118 It's warm. Okay, go to the back door. 30 00:01:59,203 --> 00:02:01,120 Well, another option. Another option. 31 00:02:01,205 --> 00:02:02,747 Jeez! Okay, settle down, everyone! 32 00:02:02,831 --> 00:02:03,790 I forgot my purse! 33 00:02:03,874 --> 00:02:05,041 Leave it, woman! 34 00:02:05,125 --> 00:02:06,250 Get out of the way! Go, go, go, go, go! 35 00:02:06,335 --> 00:02:07,794 Things can be replaced, Phyllis! 36 00:02:07,878 --> 00:02:10,213 People, human lives, however... 37 00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,092 My hand! That's hot! 38 00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:16,677 This one's hot, too. 39 00:02:16,762 --> 00:02:18,721 Okay, we're trapped. Everyone for himself! 40 00:02:18,806 --> 00:02:21,307 Let's go! Let's go! Get out of my way! 41 00:02:21,391 --> 00:02:23,601 Okay. Okay. Okay! 42 00:02:23,685 --> 00:02:24,727 Get out of the way! 43 00:02:24,812 --> 00:02:26,687 Have you ever seen a burn victim? 44 00:02:26,772 --> 00:02:27,814 Move it! 45 00:02:27,898 --> 00:02:30,233 Okay! Procedure! Procedure! 46 00:02:30,317 --> 00:02:32,860 Exit options! Where do we go, folks? 47 00:02:32,945 --> 00:02:34,695 - Use a what to cover the mouth? - It's okay. 48 00:02:34,780 --> 00:02:38,658 A what? A rag, a damp rag perhaps. 49 00:02:38,742 --> 00:02:41,327 Let's remember those procedures. What are the options? 50 00:02:41,411 --> 00:02:43,079 Okay! That's the wrong way. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. 51 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:46,040 We've already tried that. Remember your exit points. 52 00:02:46,124 --> 00:02:47,458 Exit points, people. Oscar? 53 00:02:47,543 --> 00:02:48,751 What's next, huh? Oscar! 54 00:02:48,836 --> 00:02:49,961 Stay alive, I'm getting help! 55 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:51,045 Pull me up! 56 00:02:51,129 --> 00:02:52,129 You're too heavy. 57 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:53,381 I only weigh 82 pounds. 58 00:02:54,550 --> 00:02:55,925 Save Bandit! 59 00:02:59,179 --> 00:03:01,597 How about 911? Anyone? 911? 60 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:13,359 What do we do? 61 00:03:13,443 --> 00:03:15,486 Use the surge of fear and adrenaline 62 00:03:15,571 --> 00:03:16,988 to sharpen your decision making. 63 00:03:17,072 --> 00:03:19,574 Okay, I am not dying here. Come on. 64 00:03:22,953 --> 00:03:24,287 What is that? What is that? 65 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:26,706 The fire's shooting at us! 66 00:03:26,790 --> 00:03:29,667 What in the name of God is going on? 67 00:03:31,587 --> 00:03:33,170 I'm trying to... 68 00:03:43,390 --> 00:03:46,392 Help! Help! 69 00:03:46,476 --> 00:03:48,144 Oh, my God! 70 00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:56,694 Attention! Employees of Dunder Mifflin! 71 00:03:56,778 --> 00:04:00,197 This has been a test of our emergency preparedness. 72 00:04:00,282 --> 00:04:02,491 There's no fire. It was only a simulation. 73 00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:03,576 What? 74 00:04:03,660 --> 00:04:07,330 Fire not real. This was merely a training exercise. 75 00:04:08,498 --> 00:04:10,458 So what have we learned? 76 00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,501 Oh, come on. It's not real, Stanley. 77 00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:13,586 Oh, my God. 78 00:04:13,670 --> 00:04:14,712 Don't have a heart attack. 79 00:04:14,796 --> 00:04:16,255 No, no, no, no, you will not die! 80 00:04:16,340 --> 00:04:19,675 Stanley! Stanley! You will not die! Stanley! 81 00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,928 Stanley! Barack is President! 82 00:04:22,012 --> 00:04:24,472 You are black, Stanley! I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth. 83 00:04:24,556 --> 00:04:26,223 No, no, no. Don't give him mouth-to-mouth for this. 84 00:04:26,308 --> 00:04:27,516 He just swallowed his tongue. 85 00:04:27,601 --> 00:04:30,895 Michael! Michael! Open your mouth. Don't swallow it! 86 00:04:31,188 --> 00:04:35,483 I'm fine! Leave me... I'm saving him! 87 00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,226 How could you possibly think this is a good idea? 88 00:05:10,310 --> 00:05:12,687 A lot of ideas were not appreciated in their time. 89 00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,021 Electricity. Shampoo. 90 00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:16,107 You could have burned down the whole building. 91 00:05:16,191 --> 00:05:18,901 I just want to say, for the record, I did not kill anyone. 92 00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,945 Stanley was attacked by his own heart. 93 00:05:21,029 --> 00:05:22,947 And he should be released from the hospital 94 00:05:23,031 --> 00:05:24,407 and back in the office in a couple days. 95 00:05:24,491 --> 00:05:27,660 Did you shout "fire," causing a panic? 96 00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:30,746 Yes, I shouted "fire." I shouted many things. 97 00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:33,666 I also shouted instructions on how to get out of the building. 98 00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:36,335 So you can imagine my frustration, as safety officer, 99 00:05:36,420 --> 00:05:38,587 when nobody would heed of... 100 00:05:38,672 --> 00:05:40,589 Heeded... Heeded of... "Head." "Head." 101 00:05:40,674 --> 00:05:41,841 When no one headed... "Take headed of." 102 00:05:41,925 --> 00:05:44,510 No one would take headed of my instructions. 103 00:05:44,594 --> 00:05:46,178 So you... "Heed." "Heed." 104 00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:47,263 "Take heed of." "Take heed of." 105 00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:50,850 And I don't see my co-workers heeding this right now. 106 00:05:53,603 --> 00:05:55,312 Wait, what? 107 00:05:55,397 --> 00:05:56,522 Okay. 108 00:06:08,160 --> 00:06:09,910 The city. 109 00:06:11,913 --> 00:06:13,122 Dwight. 110 00:06:15,167 --> 00:06:16,917 We are not mad, we are just disappointed. 111 00:06:17,002 --> 00:06:18,335 No, we are mad. 112 00:06:18,420 --> 00:06:21,213 Yes, we are. We are livid. 113 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:23,215 But we are going to let this one slide. 114 00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:24,592 Thank you. No, we're not. 115 00:06:24,676 --> 00:06:26,927 I am not a mind reader, David. 116 00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:31,849 Look, this is a very serious offense. 117 00:06:31,933 --> 00:06:33,267 We have cause to fire you. 118 00:06:33,351 --> 00:06:35,436 Can you shove down? 119 00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:38,898 Instead... Shove down, please. 120 00:06:38,982 --> 00:06:41,233 Instead what I think we should do is 121 00:06:41,318 --> 00:06:43,944 strip you of your title as safety officer. No. 122 00:06:44,029 --> 00:06:46,238 And we should take a part of his pay 123 00:06:46,323 --> 00:06:48,741 and donate it to the charity of your choice. 124 00:06:48,825 --> 00:06:49,992 Something that Dwight doesn't like. 125 00:06:50,077 --> 00:06:51,077 PETA. 126 00:06:51,161 --> 00:06:54,371 Michael, you have to take responsibility here. 127 00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:56,791 One of your employees had a heart attack. 128 00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:58,459 He could have died because of the way 129 00:06:58,543 --> 00:06:59,960 you're allowing your office to run. 130 00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:01,754 Do you want that on your conscience? 131 00:07:01,838 --> 00:07:03,214 Do you? 132 00:07:03,298 --> 00:07:04,757 Michael? Are you talking to me? 133 00:07:04,841 --> 00:07:06,550 Yeah. 134 00:07:06,635 --> 00:07:07,718 What? 135 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:13,015 Well, I guess we papered over that pretty nicely. 136 00:07:14,351 --> 00:07:16,727 Always amuses me when corporate thinks they can make some big change 137 00:07:16,812 --> 00:07:19,980 with a 20-minute meeting in some fancy high rise. 138 00:07:20,899 --> 00:07:23,359 What's the matter? Are you hungry? 139 00:07:24,152 --> 00:07:26,153 No, Dwight, I am worried. 140 00:07:27,322 --> 00:07:28,781 A man's life is in my hands. 141 00:07:28,865 --> 00:07:30,324 Now don't you worry about that. 142 00:07:30,408 --> 00:07:32,368 I got it covered. Okay? 143 00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:35,704 I am planning a bomb scare that should really get the blood pumping. 144 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,373 That's not going to happen. 145 00:07:37,457 --> 00:07:39,792 I'm taking over as safety man. 146 00:07:39,876 --> 00:07:41,418 What? You? Yes. 147 00:07:41,545 --> 00:07:42,878 Come on. I'm a smart guy. 148 00:07:42,921 --> 00:07:45,840 That's preposterous. I'll figure it out. No. I will. 149 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:49,969 Nobody should have to go to work thinking, 150 00:07:50,053 --> 00:07:53,139 "Oh, this is the place that I might die today." 151 00:07:53,682 --> 00:07:56,058 That's what a hospital's for. 152 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:59,603 An office is for not dying. 153 00:08:00,814 --> 00:08:07,236 An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max. To... 154 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:13,075 An office is a place where dreams come true. 155 00:08:15,996 --> 00:08:18,914 Don't excite him. Don't make him excitable. 156 00:08:22,252 --> 00:08:23,878 Welcome back, Stanley. 157 00:08:23,962 --> 00:08:25,588 Thank you, Michael. 158 00:08:25,672 --> 00:08:28,257 It's true, around this office in the past 159 00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:30,467 I have been a little abrupt with people. 160 00:08:30,552 --> 00:08:31,969 Not maybe, yes or no. 161 00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:33,012 No way. Uh-uh. 162 00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:34,471 Are you from another planet? 163 00:08:34,556 --> 00:08:35,681 Boy, have you lost your mind? 164 00:08:35,765 --> 00:08:36,974 Because I'll help you find it! 165 00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:38,058 Did I stutter? 166 00:08:38,143 --> 00:08:39,894 I'm done. Goodbye. 167 00:08:41,354 --> 00:08:44,356 But the doctor said if I can't find a new way 168 00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:48,235 to relate more positively to my surroundings, I'm going to die. 169 00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:49,737 Andy. 170 00:08:49,821 --> 00:08:52,198 A throne for your highness. 171 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:54,491 I'm not sitting in a wheelchair. 172 00:08:54,576 --> 00:08:55,659 No, no, no. No debate. 173 00:08:55,744 --> 00:08:57,036 You are going to sit in that wheelchair 174 00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,787 until you are back on your feet. 175 00:09:00,040 --> 00:09:01,332 I'm going to die. 176 00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:04,877 ABC, okay? 177 00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:08,172 And that stands for "Airway, Breathing and Circulation." 178 00:09:08,256 --> 00:09:10,216 Okay. You know what? That could be a little confusing, 179 00:09:10,300 --> 00:09:12,927 because in sales ABC means "Always Be Closing." 180 00:09:13,011 --> 00:09:15,095 This is a farce. I should be teaching this course. 181 00:09:15,180 --> 00:09:16,222 Shut it. Shut it. 182 00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:20,226 We found ourselves on the less prepared side of things 183 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,894 when Stanley had his... 184 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,604 When his heart went berserk. 185 00:09:24,022 --> 00:09:25,564 And I knew exactly what to do. 186 00:09:25,649 --> 00:09:29,485 But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do. 187 00:09:29,569 --> 00:09:32,571 So I thought we should have a CPR training class. 188 00:09:32,656 --> 00:09:36,283 And of course you can't get the practice dummy 189 00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:38,744 unless the instructor comes along with it. 190 00:09:38,828 --> 00:09:41,121 Red Cross and their racket. 191 00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,251 I can't keep doing this forever. 192 00:09:45,335 --> 00:09:46,961 It's been 20 seconds. 193 00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:50,631 Call it. 194 00:09:50,715 --> 00:09:52,007 Would you like to try next? 195 00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,968 Absolutely I would not. 196 00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:56,345 You know who I really think should go? 197 00:09:56,805 --> 00:09:58,222 Stanley. 198 00:09:58,306 --> 00:09:59,598 Oh, I don't know. 199 00:09:59,683 --> 00:10:02,393 It's not a good idea, Michael. He needs to rest. 200 00:10:02,477 --> 00:10:04,270 No rest for the sick. 201 00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:10,025 We are not always going to be there 202 00:10:10,110 --> 00:10:15,114 to coddle your heart back when it disappears to be working. 203 00:10:15,198 --> 00:10:17,783 What are you going to do if you're by yourself and your heart stops? 204 00:10:17,867 --> 00:10:19,243 I would die. 205 00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:20,619 And you're okay with that? 206 00:10:20,704 --> 00:10:22,454 I'm okay with the logic of it. 207 00:10:22,539 --> 00:10:25,624 Uh-uh. No, no, no. Come on. Get up. Let's do this. 208 00:10:25,709 --> 00:10:27,459 Yes, I had a heart attack. 209 00:10:27,544 --> 00:10:30,462 I would quit, but I'm too old to find another job. 210 00:10:30,547 --> 00:10:32,631 And I don't have enough saved to retire. 211 00:10:32,716 --> 00:10:35,551 I feel like I'm working in my own casket. 212 00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,053 Come on, Stanley! You're losing you! 213 00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:39,972 You're losing you! Do it! 214 00:10:40,056 --> 00:10:41,974 Michael. This is you we're talking about. 215 00:10:42,058 --> 00:10:43,058 Michael. 216 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:45,269 Okay, okay, I'll show them. Here we go. 217 00:10:47,397 --> 00:10:49,690 - All right. - So assessing the situation. 218 00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,358 Are they breathing? 219 00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:54,403 No, Rose. They are not breathing. 220 00:10:54,487 --> 00:10:57,197 And they have no arms or legs. 221 00:10:57,282 --> 00:10:58,407 No, that's not part of it. 222 00:10:58,491 --> 00:10:59,575 Where are they? 223 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,952 You know what? If we come across somebody 224 00:11:02,037 --> 00:11:05,998 with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? 225 00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:08,417 I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? 226 00:11:08,501 --> 00:11:10,210 I would want to live with no legs. 227 00:11:10,295 --> 00:11:11,962 How about no arms? 228 00:11:12,047 --> 00:11:14,673 No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, Kevin. 229 00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:16,008 You don't do anything. 230 00:11:16,092 --> 00:11:19,636 All right. Well, let's get back to it, because you're losing him. 231 00:11:19,929 --> 00:11:21,013 Okay, too fast. 232 00:11:21,097 --> 00:11:23,891 Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of 100 beats per minute. 233 00:11:23,975 --> 00:11:27,436 Okay. That's hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? 234 00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:28,562 How is that going to help you? 235 00:11:28,688 --> 00:11:31,023 I will divide and then count to it. Right. 236 00:11:31,107 --> 00:11:32,483 Okay, well, a good trick 237 00:11:32,567 --> 00:11:35,319 is to pump to the tune of Staying Alive by the Bee Gees. 238 00:11:35,403 --> 00:11:36,362 Do you know that song? 239 00:11:36,446 --> 00:11:38,781 Yes, yes. I do. I love that song. 240 00:11:38,865 --> 00:11:41,825 First I was afraid, I was petrified 241 00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:43,452 No, it's... 242 00:11:44,913 --> 00:11:46,288 Stayin' alive, stayin' alive 243 00:11:46,331 --> 00:11:48,248 Okay. That's enough. You were in the parking lot earlier. 244 00:11:48,333 --> 00:11:50,209 That's how I know you. 245 00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:56,840 Stayin' alive, stayin' alive 246 00:11:58,968 --> 00:12:01,387 Stayin' alive, stayin' alive Stayin' alive, stayin' alive 247 00:12:01,471 --> 00:12:04,139 Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk 248 00:12:04,224 --> 00:12:06,392 I'm a woman's man, no time to talk 249 00:12:06,476 --> 00:12:10,479 Music loud, women warm Been kicked around since I was born 250 00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:12,606 Well, it's all right It's okay 251 00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:14,817 You can look the other way 252 00:12:15,568 --> 00:12:17,736 Okay! Okay! 253 00:12:21,324 --> 00:12:23,242 Stayin' alive, stayin' alive 254 00:12:23,326 --> 00:12:26,203 Yeah. Okay, you didn't maintain a hundred beats per minute. 255 00:12:26,287 --> 00:12:29,331 And the ambulance didn't arrive because nobody called 911. 256 00:12:29,416 --> 00:12:30,416 So you lost him. 257 00:12:30,500 --> 00:12:33,210 Okay, he's dead. Anyone know what we do next? 258 00:12:33,294 --> 00:12:35,295 Anybody? Rose? 259 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,672 I have no idea. Anyone else? 260 00:12:36,714 --> 00:12:39,591 We bury him. Wrong! Check for an organ donor card. 261 00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:41,635 If he has one, we only have minutes to harvest. 262 00:12:41,719 --> 00:12:42,761 He has no wallet, I checked. 263 00:12:42,846 --> 00:12:44,388 He is an organ donor. He is? 264 00:12:44,472 --> 00:12:46,723 Get me some ice and Styrofoam bucket. 265 00:12:46,808 --> 00:12:48,183 Here we go. 266 00:12:48,268 --> 00:12:49,852 - Oh, my God! - Dwight! 267 00:12:49,978 --> 00:12:51,061 Dwight! 268 00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,312 Dwight, what are you... 269 00:12:52,397 --> 00:12:53,439 What are you doing? 270 00:12:53,523 --> 00:12:56,275 We search for the organs. Where's the heart? The precious heart. 271 00:12:56,359 --> 00:12:58,444 I'm not feeling well. I need to sit down. 272 00:12:58,528 --> 00:13:00,112 Stanley. 273 00:13:00,196 --> 00:13:01,989 Hey, Stanley. Stanley. 274 00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:03,157 Are you okay? 275 00:13:03,241 --> 00:13:05,492 Oh, my God! 276 00:13:05,577 --> 00:13:06,618 Oh, my God! 277 00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,537 Dwight! Clarice. 278 00:13:08,621 --> 00:13:10,122 Oh, my God. 279 00:13:10,206 --> 00:13:13,959 Can you tell me why you had to cut the face off the dummy? 280 00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:16,044 I didn't think it was very realistic in the movie, 281 00:13:16,129 --> 00:13:18,589 and it turns out it's pretty realistic. 282 00:13:18,673 --> 00:13:21,633 We had to pay for it. It cost us $3,500. 283 00:13:21,718 --> 00:13:24,970 $5,300 for a dummy? Wow. 284 00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,805 Well, okay, look. 285 00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:30,184 David, this is why we have training. 286 00:13:30,268 --> 00:13:33,729 We start with the dummy and we learn from our mistakes. 287 00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:37,649 And now Dwight knows not to cut the face off of a real person. 288 00:13:44,782 --> 00:13:47,993 Hope you brought your apetitos, my lady, my Tuna. 289 00:13:49,245 --> 00:13:51,121 A little movie popcorn. 290 00:13:54,459 --> 00:13:55,959 Damn it. 291 00:13:56,127 --> 00:13:58,170 This movie, a lot of buzz. 292 00:13:58,254 --> 00:14:00,714 Not coming out for another six months. 293 00:14:00,798 --> 00:14:03,383 Mrs. Albert Hanaday. 294 00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:06,929 So the friendship with the Nard-Dog has its privileges. 295 00:14:08,348 --> 00:14:10,599 We don't normally download films illegally 296 00:14:10,725 --> 00:14:12,976 because we're honest, hard-working people. 297 00:14:13,061 --> 00:14:14,394 And we don't know how. 298 00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:16,855 But Andy does, so we have to watch it with him. 299 00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:18,982 Punishment fits the crime. 300 00:14:19,943 --> 00:14:25,989 I want you to meet my nana. Nana, this is Sam. 301 00:14:26,533 --> 00:14:29,660 Hi. Nice to meet you, Mrs. Hanaday. 302 00:14:29,744 --> 00:14:31,537 Please, call me Lily. 303 00:14:39,796 --> 00:14:42,965 Let's play bridge. You can be my partner. 304 00:14:44,300 --> 00:14:46,677 All right, Lily. 305 00:14:59,440 --> 00:15:00,482 What's going on? 306 00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:03,110 No one really knows, but Pam's parents are going through 307 00:15:03,194 --> 00:15:05,237 a little bit of a rough patch in their marriage. 308 00:15:05,321 --> 00:15:08,073 My dad spent the night at our place last night. 309 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:11,910 My parents have been fighting for weeks and it kind of sucks. 310 00:15:11,995 --> 00:15:13,370 Jim's been great. 311 00:15:14,497 --> 00:15:17,332 But I'm going to need to buy my dad a robe. 312 00:15:17,667 --> 00:15:19,459 He's not saying what he needs to say. 313 00:15:19,544 --> 00:15:20,586 Hmm? 314 00:15:21,296 --> 00:15:23,630 Who? Jack Black? 315 00:15:23,715 --> 00:15:24,923 Yeah. 316 00:15:26,217 --> 00:15:28,594 I mean, they just need to communicate, you know. 317 00:15:28,678 --> 00:15:32,723 If they said to each other what they're saying to everyone else, then... 318 00:15:35,518 --> 00:15:36,685 Hmm. 319 00:15:36,769 --> 00:15:41,023 Jim and Pam are like movie geniuses. 320 00:15:42,275 --> 00:15:45,861 They're catching things that are totally going over my head. 321 00:15:46,863 --> 00:15:48,405 Hi, everyone. 322 00:15:48,489 --> 00:15:51,658 Corporate has given Dwight two strikes. 323 00:15:51,743 --> 00:15:54,453 They are very, very upset with him. 324 00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:57,080 So, as a disciplinary measure, 325 00:15:58,041 --> 00:16:01,835 he is going to have to issue a formal apology. 326 00:16:01,919 --> 00:16:06,131 Dwight, have you prepared your statement of regret? 327 00:16:06,215 --> 00:16:08,133 I have. Let's hear it. 328 00:16:12,347 --> 00:16:14,014 I state my regret. 329 00:16:16,225 --> 00:16:17,809 You couldn't have memorized that? 330 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:19,478 I could not because I do not feel it. 331 00:16:19,562 --> 00:16:20,812 Okay, everyone, I'm going to need you 332 00:16:20,897 --> 00:16:22,773 to sign this statement of regret 333 00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:24,816 as an acknowledgment that you heard it. 334 00:16:24,901 --> 00:16:26,985 Okay? Everyone come on up here. It's not a big deal. 335 00:16:27,070 --> 00:16:29,446 It is a big deal. You almost killed Stanley. 336 00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:32,282 Yeah, right. I filled him full of butter and sugar for 50 years 337 00:16:32,367 --> 00:16:34,242 and forced him not to exercise. 338 00:16:34,327 --> 00:16:35,786 Now take a lesson from Stanley 339 00:16:35,870 --> 00:16:38,330 and jog on up here and sign this. Okay? 340 00:16:38,414 --> 00:16:41,583 Make a line. Just form a line right here. 341 00:16:42,960 --> 00:16:45,712 Sign it! Sign it now! 342 00:16:50,009 --> 00:16:51,635 Hi, Dad. 343 00:16:51,719 --> 00:16:53,345 Yeah, Jim has shaving cream. 344 00:16:53,429 --> 00:16:54,805 Check our bathroom. 345 00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,182 Lily? 346 00:16:57,850 --> 00:16:59,267 I'm in here. 347 00:17:04,273 --> 00:17:07,234 I... I'm sorry. I didn't 348 00:17:09,112 --> 00:17:11,321 realize you were in the bath. 349 00:17:14,992 --> 00:17:16,785 Do you want me to go? 350 00:17:18,204 --> 00:17:19,955 I want you to stay. 351 00:17:29,549 --> 00:17:31,383 Oh, boy. 352 00:17:31,467 --> 00:17:32,884 Oh, man. 353 00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:36,638 You know, Lily was supposed to be Nicole Kidman. 354 00:17:37,181 --> 00:17:40,308 And it was going to be Sophie's mom, not grandmother. 355 00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:41,977 But then Nicole Kidman dropped out, 356 00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,730 so they went with Cloris Leachman, 357 00:17:44,814 --> 00:17:46,565 - with a small rewrite. - Just give me your hand 358 00:17:46,649 --> 00:17:47,816 and get that in there. 359 00:17:47,900 --> 00:17:49,901 Help me pull it around. 360 00:17:49,986 --> 00:17:51,570 Oh, yeah. You did that one already. 361 00:17:51,654 --> 00:17:53,530 I know, but if I get it deeper... 362 00:17:53,614 --> 00:17:54,948 What is... 363 00:18:00,413 --> 00:18:02,998 He was pretty talkative at breakfast. 364 00:18:03,499 --> 00:18:04,916 What? 365 00:18:07,170 --> 00:18:08,503 Breakfast? 366 00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:11,882 You mean when they were eating soup? 367 00:18:11,966 --> 00:18:14,092 I don't think that was breakfast. 368 00:18:14,177 --> 00:18:17,429 Unless soup... Does soup symbolize breakfast? 369 00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:18,805 So he doesn't share with his daughter, 370 00:18:18,890 --> 00:18:21,099 but he shares with his daughter's fiancé? 371 00:18:21,184 --> 00:18:23,351 You guys, they're making out. 372 00:18:26,314 --> 00:18:27,647 Hey. Hey. 373 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:30,734 Did my dad say anything about my mom? 374 00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:33,737 No. We mostly just talked about cereal. 375 00:18:36,699 --> 00:18:37,908 What? 376 00:18:37,992 --> 00:18:39,451 I don't know. 377 00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:42,120 I mean, maybe he'll talk to you about some of the stuff 378 00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,831 'cause he can't really talk to me about it. 379 00:18:44,916 --> 00:18:47,793 Mmm... You're good to talk to. 380 00:18:48,544 --> 00:18:52,297 I'm okay. I'm not great. And... 381 00:19:01,098 --> 00:19:04,100 Everybody sit on the floor, Indian-style like me. 382 00:19:05,269 --> 00:19:07,646 My God, if you're wearing a dress, 383 00:19:07,730 --> 00:19:09,856 please keep your knees together, nobody wants to see that. 384 00:19:13,027 --> 00:19:15,487 My goal is to make this office as peaceful 385 00:19:15,571 --> 00:19:18,073 a place for Stanley Hudson as I can. 386 00:19:18,991 --> 00:19:22,244 And I think sounds have a lot to do with that. 387 00:19:22,328 --> 00:19:25,121 Here are some downloaded peaceful sounds. 388 00:19:32,046 --> 00:19:33,922 That one makes me think 389 00:19:34,924 --> 00:19:36,174 of death. 390 00:19:39,387 --> 00:19:40,762 It's kind of nice. 391 00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:45,934 It is a beautiful, sunny day 392 00:19:46,018 --> 00:19:49,271 as we walk through the meadow. 393 00:19:49,939 --> 00:19:54,192 That is very spiritual and relaxing. 394 00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:58,655 And there are flowers and it is sunny and beautiful. 395 00:19:58,739 --> 00:20:02,409 Now, up ahead, a castle in the distance. 396 00:20:02,493 --> 00:20:04,578 Don't open your eyes. What? Oh. 397 00:20:04,662 --> 00:20:08,957 And you walk up toward the castle. 398 00:20:09,041 --> 00:20:15,046 And inside the castle are four men, 399 00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:16,506 and each of them... 400 00:20:16,591 --> 00:20:18,717 None of them have shoes. 401 00:20:18,801 --> 00:20:20,677 And they give you a funny cigarette 402 00:20:20,761 --> 00:20:23,096 and you feel even more relaxed, 403 00:20:23,180 --> 00:20:26,224 and then you want ice cream. 404 00:20:26,309 --> 00:20:28,059 You want a big bowl of ice cream. 405 00:20:28,144 --> 00:20:30,020 So what kind of ice cream do you want? Yell it out. 406 00:20:30,104 --> 00:20:31,062 Chunky Monkey. 407 00:20:31,147 --> 00:20:32,856 Too expensive. Chocolate. 408 00:20:32,940 --> 00:20:34,316 Racism is dead, Stanley. 409 00:20:34,400 --> 00:20:36,860 You can have any kind of ice cream you want. 410 00:20:36,986 --> 00:20:38,570 What do you want? 411 00:20:38,654 --> 00:20:40,614 What is that? People, please, 412 00:20:40,698 --> 00:20:42,324 I told you to get rid of the cell phones. 413 00:20:42,408 --> 00:20:44,826 It's my bio-feedback machine. 414 00:20:44,911 --> 00:20:47,913 Oh, okay. What is that, like a video game? 415 00:20:47,997 --> 00:20:52,500 It alerts me when my stress level goes up, so I can try to calm down. 416 00:20:52,585 --> 00:20:53,919 You have stress? 417 00:20:54,003 --> 00:20:55,170 Yes. 418 00:20:55,463 --> 00:20:57,422 During our relaxation exercise? 419 00:20:57,506 --> 00:20:58,590 Let me get you some water. 420 00:20:58,674 --> 00:21:00,133 No, no, I'll help you up. I'll help you up. 421 00:21:00,217 --> 00:21:01,343 Here we go. Here we go. Let me get you up. 422 00:21:01,427 --> 00:21:02,761 No, Michael. Would you step back? 423 00:21:03,888 --> 00:21:04,930 Please, please. Okay. All right. 424 00:21:05,014 --> 00:21:07,015 - A little further. - Okay. 425 00:21:08,935 --> 00:21:10,435 That's better. 426 00:21:19,236 --> 00:21:20,362 Okay. 427 00:21:22,031 --> 00:21:23,907 I think that thing is on the fritz. 428 00:21:26,035 --> 00:21:28,870 Oscar, would you reach over and touch his thing? 429 00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:32,374 That's what he said. Right, guys? Because of gay. 430 00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:36,378 Let's give this a shot. 431 00:21:37,171 --> 00:21:38,296 Hello! 432 00:21:42,218 --> 00:21:45,553 Michael, I think you're what's stressing everybody out. 433 00:21:47,765 --> 00:21:50,558 So it wasn't Dwight after all. 434 00:21:50,643 --> 00:21:52,560 Looks like I'm the killer. 435 00:21:53,062 --> 00:21:54,896 You never expect that you're the killer. 436 00:21:54,981 --> 00:21:58,900 It's a great twist. Great twist. 437 00:22:04,699 --> 00:22:06,825 Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. 438 00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:11,162 Oh. Hey, Mom. No. 439 00:22:13,290 --> 00:22:14,916 What did Dad say? 440 00:22:17,920 --> 00:22:19,337 What did you say to my dad? 441 00:22:19,422 --> 00:22:20,422 What? 442 00:22:20,506 --> 00:22:21,965 After you talked, he called my mom 443 00:22:22,049 --> 00:22:23,341 and said he was gonna look for an apartment. 444 00:22:23,426 --> 00:22:25,927 Oh, my God. Pam, I don't know. I... 445 00:22:27,138 --> 00:22:29,014 Nothing, truly nothing. 446 00:22:29,098 --> 00:22:31,266 I mean, I just was honest with him and I... 447 00:22:32,143 --> 00:22:35,979 I'm so sorry. I don't know. I'll call him again. 448 00:22:40,776 --> 00:22:43,361 50 percent of marriages end in divorce, 449 00:22:43,446 --> 00:22:46,990 so it was her parents or my parents. 450 00:22:50,536 --> 00:22:54,456 What could Jim have said to make my dad want to leave my mom? 451 00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:57,959 And at what point in our marriage is he gonna say it to me? 452 00:23:03,215 --> 00:23:04,758 I don't get it. 453 00:23:05,843 --> 00:23:07,260 Do I stress you out? 454 00:23:07,344 --> 00:23:09,262 Nothing stresses me out. 455 00:23:09,972 --> 00:23:13,725 Except having to seek the approval of my inferiors. 456 00:23:13,809 --> 00:23:15,477 Speaking of which... 457 00:23:20,149 --> 00:23:23,068 Remember when people used to say "boss" 458 00:23:23,152 --> 00:23:26,738 when they were describing something that was really cool? 459 00:23:26,822 --> 00:23:31,367 Like, "Those shoulder pads are really boss, man." 460 00:23:32,328 --> 00:23:35,163 "Look at that perm. That perm is so boss." 461 00:23:36,165 --> 00:23:38,875 It's what made me want to become a boss. 462 00:23:40,377 --> 00:23:43,546 And I looked so good in a perm and shoulder pads. 463 00:23:43,923 --> 00:23:49,552 But now boss is just slang for "jerk in charge." 464 00:23:50,763 --> 00:23:53,765 Okay, everybody, I figured it out. 465 00:23:53,849 --> 00:23:57,143 The reason that you are all so stressed around me 466 00:23:57,228 --> 00:23:59,062 is that you are too intimidated 467 00:23:59,146 --> 00:24:02,065 to tell me what you really think. 468 00:24:02,149 --> 00:24:06,236 You are keeping these feelings inside and that is causing stress. 469 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:07,904 So, what is the solution? 470 00:24:07,988 --> 00:24:12,117 Solution is honesty, laughter and comedy. 471 00:24:12,201 --> 00:24:13,910 In short... A vacation. 472 00:24:14,453 --> 00:24:20,375 What? No. No. I'm talking about a roast of Michael Scott. 473 00:24:21,252 --> 00:24:24,337 Come on. Who here has the Comedy Central Roast Channel? 474 00:24:24,421 --> 00:24:25,505 You've seen it, right? 475 00:24:25,589 --> 00:24:29,676 Everybody gets together and you start hurling insults at the one guy, 476 00:24:29,760 --> 00:24:33,471 and everybody's laughing and everybody is hugging each other. 477 00:24:33,556 --> 00:24:35,974 Michael, are you serious? Do you really want us to roast you? 478 00:24:37,184 --> 00:24:38,893 That's offensive. It's not! 479 00:24:38,978 --> 00:24:42,147 It's not offensive during a roast. Anything goes. 480 00:24:42,231 --> 00:24:44,190 And I want you guys to really get cracking on this. 481 00:24:44,275 --> 00:24:47,152 I want you to take me down. Don't hold back. 482 00:24:47,236 --> 00:24:50,989 I want you to really make fun of anything about me. 483 00:24:51,073 --> 00:24:54,200 It could be my race, could be the fact that I'm so fit, 484 00:24:54,285 --> 00:24:57,787 or I'm a womanizer, fair game. Whatever. 485 00:24:57,872 --> 00:24:59,664 I don't want to write your stuff for you, 486 00:24:59,748 --> 00:25:01,374 but I just want it to be good. 487 00:25:01,458 --> 00:25:06,504 Oh, my God. Oh, man. Oh, my God. 488 00:25:06,589 --> 00:25:08,923 I consider myself a good person, 489 00:25:09,508 --> 00:25:11,384 but I'm gonna try to make him cry. 490 00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:16,681 I can already feel people's stress starting to melt. 491 00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:20,268 I think they're very excited about paying their respects this way. 492 00:25:20,352 --> 00:25:25,273 I've got to make sure that YouTube comes down to tape this. 493 00:25:29,945 --> 00:25:31,446 May I have your attention, please? Sign in. 494 00:25:31,530 --> 00:25:34,782 Sign in on the sign-in sheet, the clipboard. 495 00:25:34,867 --> 00:25:35,867 This meeting is mandatory, 496 00:25:35,951 --> 00:25:38,912 if you do not sign in, your name will not be counted. 497 00:25:38,996 --> 00:25:40,246 Thank you. 498 00:25:40,331 --> 00:25:42,749 Hey, this is your apology letter. 499 00:25:44,043 --> 00:25:45,627 It was the last signature I needed. 500 00:25:48,464 --> 00:25:50,506 Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome! 501 00:25:50,591 --> 00:25:52,258 You are all jerks. 502 00:25:53,594 --> 00:25:56,054 Just kidding. Not yet, anyway. 503 00:25:56,138 --> 00:25:59,098 Welcome to the roast of Mr. Michael Scott. 504 00:25:59,183 --> 00:26:01,100 If you are here for the Grabowski wedding, 505 00:26:01,185 --> 00:26:03,853 it is the second door on the left. 506 00:26:04,188 --> 00:26:06,064 So, we all know how these work. 507 00:26:06,148 --> 00:26:09,108 It needs to get crazy. Take your best shot. 508 00:26:09,193 --> 00:26:11,277 I'm going to sit right over chair. 509 00:26:11,946 --> 00:26:16,824 And whoever wants to come up and roast me, you may. Okay. 510 00:26:19,328 --> 00:26:21,579 Lower the mike for the midget. 511 00:26:23,707 --> 00:26:26,459 If you ever wondered whether you were Michael Scott, 512 00:26:26,543 --> 00:26:28,795 here's a quiz to help. 513 00:26:28,879 --> 00:26:32,966 If you ever put sun block on a window, you might be Michael Scott. 514 00:26:35,135 --> 00:26:38,012 I normally don't enjoy making people laugh. 515 00:26:39,431 --> 00:26:41,432 If you ever called the fire department 516 00:26:41,517 --> 00:26:44,519 because your head was stuck in your chair, you might be... 517 00:26:44,645 --> 00:26:46,187 Michael Scott. 518 00:26:50,025 --> 00:26:51,484 Hey, hey. 519 00:26:51,568 --> 00:26:54,112 I don't go make burgers where you work 520 00:26:54,196 --> 00:26:56,239 and then tell you how to make burgers. 521 00:26:57,700 --> 00:27:00,285 I have made a list of people that I would make out with 522 00:27:00,369 --> 00:27:02,662 before I would make out with Michael Scott. 523 00:27:02,746 --> 00:27:06,582 A turtle, a fridge, anybody from the warehouse. 524 00:27:06,750 --> 00:27:07,750 Yeah! 525 00:27:07,835 --> 00:27:13,464 A wood chipper, Kevin, a candle and Lord Voldemort. 526 00:27:13,590 --> 00:27:14,882 Anyway, happy birthday, Michael. 527 00:27:14,925 --> 00:27:15,967 Yeah. 528 00:27:16,051 --> 00:27:18,636 You'd be so lucky. Good one. 529 00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:22,890 Michael, you ran over me with your car. 530 00:27:25,102 --> 00:27:29,147 You posted a picture of my bare boobs on the bulletin board 531 00:27:29,231 --> 00:27:31,441 with a caption that said, "Gross." 532 00:27:31,525 --> 00:27:32,525 Well... 533 00:27:32,609 --> 00:27:35,653 Michael, you are the reason I drink. 534 00:27:35,738 --> 00:27:38,281 You are the reason I live to forget. 535 00:27:47,875 --> 00:27:51,586 No, no, friends only. Friends only! 536 00:27:54,089 --> 00:27:56,257 Several times a day, Michael says words 537 00:27:56,342 --> 00:27:58,634 that are way beyond my vocabulary. 538 00:27:58,719 --> 00:27:59,802 I know where this is going. 539 00:27:59,887 --> 00:28:00,887 Do you? No. 540 00:28:00,971 --> 00:28:02,722 Okay. Remember spider face? 541 00:28:02,806 --> 00:28:03,848 No. 542 00:28:03,932 --> 00:28:05,183 Okay, because the quote was, 543 00:28:05,267 --> 00:28:07,352 "Cut off your nose to spider face." 544 00:28:07,436 --> 00:28:08,436 Spider... Okay. 545 00:28:09,605 --> 00:28:11,189 Yeah, yeah. 546 00:28:12,149 --> 00:28:13,358 How dare you all attack him like this? 547 00:28:13,442 --> 00:28:14,442 No, stop it. 548 00:28:14,568 --> 00:28:16,527 Michael is your superior, okay? Dwight. No, no, no, no. 549 00:28:16,612 --> 00:28:18,446 You should be bowing down in front of him. 550 00:28:18,530 --> 00:28:19,739 Hey, hey. Right now. Okay? 551 00:28:19,865 --> 00:28:21,282 They don't understand who they have. That is the way 552 00:28:21,408 --> 00:28:23,034 you're supposed to do it, idiot. You're interrupting me. 553 00:28:23,118 --> 00:28:24,952 I'm trying to get your back. I'm trying to... Idiot, idiot. 554 00:28:25,037 --> 00:28:26,704 Idiot. Are you calling me an idiot? 555 00:28:26,789 --> 00:28:28,539 Don't you ever talk to me that way, 556 00:28:28,624 --> 00:28:30,458 you pathetic short little man. 557 00:28:30,542 --> 00:28:33,920 You don't have any friends or any family or any land! 558 00:28:36,215 --> 00:28:38,132 - Yeah! - Yeah! 559 00:28:39,468 --> 00:28:41,219 Well, I just want to take a minute to talk to you all 560 00:28:41,303 --> 00:28:42,845 about something very serious. 561 00:28:42,930 --> 00:28:47,058 Once every hour, someone is involved in an Internet scam. 562 00:28:47,976 --> 00:28:49,394 That man is Michael Scott. 563 00:28:50,604 --> 00:28:52,688 He's supporting about 20 Nigerian princesses. 564 00:28:52,773 --> 00:28:56,692 Hey, you know what? Forgive me for caring, right? 565 00:28:57,528 --> 00:29:00,571 Well, you know, Michael is a great delegator. 566 00:29:00,656 --> 00:29:02,532 He never does any work himself, ever. 567 00:29:04,910 --> 00:29:09,539 And one time I walked in on him naked and his thing is so small. 568 00:29:10,707 --> 00:29:12,417 How small is it? 569 00:29:12,501 --> 00:29:14,502 If it were an iPod, it would be a shuffle. 570 00:29:16,380 --> 00:29:18,339 All right, can I make just a little announcement? 571 00:29:18,424 --> 00:29:21,592 In a professional roast, usually the roaster 572 00:29:21,677 --> 00:29:24,720 will say something nice about the roastee after they're done. 573 00:29:24,805 --> 00:29:29,100 Something about how much they love them, so just keep that in mind. 574 00:29:29,184 --> 00:29:31,018 Mike claims we're all a family. 575 00:29:31,145 --> 00:29:32,603 You know what... We are. We are a family. 576 00:29:32,688 --> 00:29:36,107 Okay, so, what's his name? 577 00:29:36,191 --> 00:29:37,567 All the way in the back there. 578 00:29:37,651 --> 00:29:39,277 Oh, very funny. 579 00:29:39,361 --> 00:29:40,695 What's his name? 580 00:29:40,779 --> 00:29:41,779 Uh... 581 00:29:43,031 --> 00:29:44,782 I'm thinking Roy. 582 00:29:44,867 --> 00:29:47,493 Roy left years ago. What's his name? 583 00:29:47,578 --> 00:29:49,537 I don't believe I've had the pleasure. 584 00:29:49,621 --> 00:29:51,456 Michael, I gave you a ride home last week 585 00:29:51,540 --> 00:29:53,958 and we spent an hour in traffic. 586 00:29:54,042 --> 00:29:55,960 What's his name? Jefferson. 587 00:29:56,044 --> 00:29:58,796 Nope. His name is Michael. 588 00:30:08,724 --> 00:30:11,476 What I hate about you 589 00:30:11,560 --> 00:30:13,394 You really suck as a boss 590 00:30:15,397 --> 00:30:19,442 You're the laziest, jerkiest And you're dumber than an apple sauce 591 00:30:21,487 --> 00:30:24,030 We're stuck listening to you all day 592 00:30:24,114 --> 00:30:26,824 Stanley tried to die just to get away 593 00:30:26,909 --> 00:30:28,409 Well, it's true 594 00:30:29,077 --> 00:30:34,123 That's what I hate about you 595 00:30:43,926 --> 00:30:45,009 Yeah! 596 00:30:47,179 --> 00:30:52,767 And now a man who deserves no introduction, Michael Scott. 597 00:30:56,355 --> 00:31:00,024 Thank you very much. Thank you. That was great. 598 00:31:00,108 --> 00:31:02,318 Great job, some great laughs. 599 00:31:03,737 --> 00:31:07,907 Really, really went after my intelligence there. 600 00:31:10,035 --> 00:31:13,412 Dozens of online lQ tests might prove you wrong, but... 601 00:31:14,915 --> 00:31:20,753 And my thing isn't tiny, it's average, so get your facts straight. 602 00:31:24,132 --> 00:31:29,303 So when I heard that there was going to be a roast in my honor, I thought... 603 00:31:30,556 --> 00:31:33,641 Sorry. I think I have a frog in my throat. 604 00:31:34,059 --> 00:31:35,059 Um... 605 00:31:38,689 --> 00:31:42,650 I decided to jot down some quick thoughts about you people. 606 00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:44,944 Um... 607 00:31:47,573 --> 00:31:50,324 First up, Phyllis and Kevin. 608 00:31:51,618 --> 00:31:52,952 Um... 609 00:32:19,021 --> 00:32:21,272 Dunder Mifflin. This is Pam. 610 00:32:21,356 --> 00:32:23,399 I'm sorry, Michael's not here right now. 611 00:32:23,483 --> 00:32:25,192 Can I take a message? 612 00:32:26,612 --> 00:32:28,487 Great. I will. Thanks. 613 00:32:32,993 --> 00:32:35,703 It's very unusual for Michael not to show up to work. 614 00:32:35,787 --> 00:32:37,955 My guess, he's either deeply depressed 615 00:32:38,040 --> 00:32:42,043 or an icicle has snapped off his roof and impaled his brain. 616 00:32:42,127 --> 00:32:45,338 He has this terrible habit of standing directly underneath them 617 00:32:45,422 --> 00:32:46,631 and staring up at them. 618 00:32:46,715 --> 00:32:48,758 And I always say, "Michael, take two steps back 619 00:32:48,842 --> 00:32:50,551 "and stare at the icicle from the side." 620 00:32:50,636 --> 00:32:52,345 And he's like, "No, I like the way they look 621 00:32:52,429 --> 00:32:55,640 "from standing directly underneath them." 622 00:32:55,724 --> 00:32:57,933 It was only a matter of time. 623 00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:00,519 Michael is so dumb 624 00:33:00,604 --> 00:33:04,774 that he tries to put his M&M's in alphabetical order. 625 00:33:05,901 --> 00:33:08,611 All right, Kevin, enough with the Michael jokes. 626 00:33:08,695 --> 00:33:10,112 I think he got it bad enough yesterday. 627 00:33:10,197 --> 00:33:11,489 I'm almost done. 628 00:33:11,573 --> 00:33:13,741 That reeks and I'm trying to eat. 629 00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:16,118 Attention, everyone, I've just got a text from Michael. 630 00:33:16,203 --> 00:33:18,621 He says "personnel day." Are we hiring? 631 00:33:18,705 --> 00:33:20,331 Yeah. You're being replaced. 632 00:33:20,415 --> 00:33:22,166 I think he meant personal day. 633 00:33:22,250 --> 00:33:23,501 I don't know. That's quite a leap, Pam. 634 00:33:23,585 --> 00:33:25,503 I hope he's okay. I feel bad. 635 00:33:25,587 --> 00:33:27,546 Give it up. He's dead. 636 00:33:27,631 --> 00:33:28,964 He just sent a text. 637 00:33:29,591 --> 00:33:31,092 What's a text? 638 00:33:51,613 --> 00:33:54,740 You know, sometimes to get perspective, 639 00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:59,704 I like to think about a spaceman on a star incredibly far away, 640 00:34:00,872 --> 00:34:02,915 and our problems don't matter to him 641 00:34:02,999 --> 00:34:05,751 because we're just a distant point of light. 642 00:34:07,129 --> 00:34:09,130 But he feels sorry for me 643 00:34:09,840 --> 00:34:12,299 because he has an incredibly powerful microscope 644 00:34:12,384 --> 00:34:14,301 and he can see my face. 645 00:34:17,639 --> 00:34:18,973 I'm okay. 646 00:34:21,685 --> 00:34:23,102 No, I'm not. 647 00:34:23,478 --> 00:34:25,104 Phyllis, there's a package for you. 648 00:34:25,188 --> 00:34:26,397 Oh. 649 00:34:28,191 --> 00:34:29,817 Sign here. Okay. 650 00:34:33,822 --> 00:34:34,989 What? 651 00:34:40,620 --> 00:34:41,829 Got it! 652 00:34:45,375 --> 00:34:48,085 Sam, Sam, Sam. 653 00:34:48,754 --> 00:34:51,714 It's not that you dumped my granddaughter, 654 00:34:51,798 --> 00:34:55,676 and it's not that you want children, it's that you lied to me. 655 00:34:55,761 --> 00:34:58,345 Can't you see that? Can't you see? 656 00:34:59,848 --> 00:35:01,223 I can never trust you. 657 00:35:01,308 --> 00:35:05,269 Lily, no. Lily. Lily, please. 658 00:35:06,605 --> 00:35:07,980 Lily, stop! 659 00:35:09,858 --> 00:35:13,486 I don't care how much time we have left. 660 00:35:13,570 --> 00:35:15,696 I don't care what my friends say. 661 00:35:16,239 --> 00:35:18,949 And I don't care what your mom thinks. 662 00:35:19,034 --> 00:35:22,328 Frankly, I'm pretty sure she's not making any sense. 663 00:35:23,705 --> 00:35:27,124 Please, move back to my apartment. 664 00:35:34,800 --> 00:35:41,055 Lily, I'm not giving up. I'm not giving up. 665 00:35:42,808 --> 00:35:47,728 Lily, Lily! Push the reverse button! 666 00:35:48,563 --> 00:35:50,272 Reverse the button! 667 00:35:58,281 --> 00:36:01,659 Sam. Sam. 668 00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:12,253 Hey, Dad. No, I know. Mom told me. 669 00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:19,635 Okay. Yeah, I'll see you then. 670 00:36:41,741 --> 00:36:45,619 So what did he say? Was it my fault? 671 00:36:47,122 --> 00:36:48,289 Yeah. 672 00:36:51,251 --> 00:36:54,295 He said that you told him how much you love me, 673 00:36:55,463 --> 00:36:58,382 about how you feel when I walk in a room 674 00:36:58,466 --> 00:37:02,052 and about how you've never doubted for a second 675 00:37:02,137 --> 00:37:06,140 that I'm the woman you want to spend the rest of your life with. 676 00:37:07,642 --> 00:37:11,437 I guess he's never felt that with my mom, even at their best. 677 00:37:12,272 --> 00:37:14,106 You okay? 678 00:37:14,190 --> 00:37:15,357 Yeah. 679 00:37:18,153 --> 00:37:21,530 When you're a kid, you assume your parents are soul mates. 680 00:37:21,615 --> 00:37:24,241 My kids are gonna be right about that. 681 00:37:25,243 --> 00:37:26,535 I guess it also means 682 00:37:26,620 --> 00:37:30,831 that sometimes love affairs look different to the people inside them. 683 00:37:34,878 --> 00:37:37,963 I'm not insightful enough to be a movie critic. 684 00:37:38,465 --> 00:37:40,925 Maybe I could be a food critic. 685 00:37:41,009 --> 00:37:43,010 These muffins taste bad. 686 00:37:43,762 --> 00:37:47,306 Or an art critic. That painting is bad. 687 00:37:50,518 --> 00:37:53,854 Michael, it's really good to see you. 688 00:37:54,648 --> 00:37:57,483 Hey, why are you wearing a turtleneck? 689 00:37:57,567 --> 00:37:58,609 You all right? 690 00:37:58,693 --> 00:38:00,486 Michael, I feel I was a little harsh yesterday. 691 00:38:00,570 --> 00:38:02,529 Yeah. Yeah, we're really sorry. 692 00:38:02,614 --> 00:38:06,700 I spent the afternoon in the park trying to feed the pigeons. 693 00:38:07,744 --> 00:38:10,829 I guess they all flew west for the winter. 694 00:38:10,914 --> 00:38:15,125 And I just had some thoughts that I wanted to share with you people. 695 00:38:15,210 --> 00:38:16,585 What? Well, I wrote them down 696 00:38:16,670 --> 00:38:18,045 so I wouldn't forget. 697 00:38:20,507 --> 00:38:24,385 Jim, you're 6'11" and you weigh 90 pounds. 698 00:38:24,469 --> 00:38:26,387 Gumby has a better body than you. 699 00:38:26,471 --> 00:38:28,097 Boom. Roasted. 700 00:38:28,181 --> 00:38:30,182 Dwight, you're a kiss-ass. Boom. Roasted. 701 00:38:30,266 --> 00:38:33,060 Pam, you failed art school. Boom. Roasted. 702 00:38:33,144 --> 00:38:35,646 Meredith, you've slept with so many guys 703 00:38:35,730 --> 00:38:37,147 you're starting to look like one. 704 00:38:37,232 --> 00:38:38,273 Boom. Roasted. 705 00:38:38,358 --> 00:38:40,401 Kevin, I can't decide between a fat joke 706 00:38:40,485 --> 00:38:41,944 and a dumb joke. Boom. Roasted. 707 00:38:42,028 --> 00:38:44,989 Creed, your teeth called, your breath stinks. Boom. Roasted. 708 00:38:45,073 --> 00:38:46,991 Angela, where's Angela? 709 00:38:47,075 --> 00:38:48,075 Well, there you are. 710 00:38:48,159 --> 00:38:51,829 I didn't see you behind that grain of rice. Boom. Roasted. 711 00:38:51,913 --> 00:38:54,331 Stanley, you crush your wife during sex 712 00:38:54,416 --> 00:38:56,083 and your heart sucks. Boom. Roasted. 713 00:38:57,252 --> 00:38:59,086 Oscar, you are... 714 00:39:02,757 --> 00:39:05,718 Oscar, you're gay. 715 00:39:05,802 --> 00:39:06,844 Wow. 716 00:39:06,928 --> 00:39:11,515 Andy, Cornell called, they think you suck and you're gayer than Oscar. 717 00:39:12,350 --> 00:39:13,350 Boom. Roasted. 718 00:39:13,435 --> 00:39:14,601 Boom. Roasted. 719 00:39:23,445 --> 00:39:27,197 All right. All right, everybody. You know I kid. 720 00:39:29,034 --> 00:39:30,576 You know I kid. 721 00:39:30,660 --> 00:39:34,496 You guys are the reason that I went into the paper business. 722 00:39:34,581 --> 00:39:38,709 So, good night, God bless. God bless America. 723 00:39:38,793 --> 00:39:40,335 And get home safe. 724 00:39:40,420 --> 00:39:41,462 Yeah. 725 00:39:44,090 --> 00:39:46,216 They say that laughter is the best medicine, 726 00:39:46,301 --> 00:39:49,553 so, Stanley, you can throw away those pills. 727 00:39:49,637 --> 00:39:51,138 You are cured. 728 00:39:52,599 --> 00:39:55,851 Actually, better hold on to the pills, just in case.