(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(HONKING)
Jessica.
What's going on?
How you doing?
- Love the Caddy. - Baby, what's up?
- Hi, Turtle. - You leaving?
- Yeah. - Damn.
Yo, Vince, you need to sign this.
- Not now, Turtle. - It's for Mary at Nike.
You want her to shut down our shoe supply?
- I better sign it. After lunch. - You better sign it. (LAUGHS)
Don't sign that, Vince. They screwed it up. They got your eye color wrong.
- It's black and white. - They look brown to me.
At least they didn't fuck up your package.
What are you talking about? The poster's a headshot.
TURTLE: I'm just saying, shit happens.
I heard Warren Beatty sent back 300,000 one sheets for Heaven Can Wait...
'cause his dick looked too small in sweat pants.
Guy's smart. He looks out for his image.
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
Incoming. Check this out right here.
Excuse me, did you drop these?
- Hey, Turtle. - Hey, Vince. Hey, Eric.
How you doing?
WOMAN 1: You guys going to that Motorola party tonight?
No, we can't. We got Vince's premiere tonight.
- We're busy. - Oh, my gosh, that's right.
- Why aren't we on the list? - 'Cause you're not hot enough.
Good luck. Call us.
- See you. - Bye.
- How come nobody says hi to me? - How come you don't say hello to them?
- 'Cause that ain't how it works, asshole. - Oh, yeah, how does it work?
Fucking models.
If they were any good, they'd be working in New York.
Speaking of New York, are we going to that reunion?
Who cares?
The only people I talk to from high school are right here.
- We gotta go. 10-year reunion, baby. - We? You weren't even in our class.
- I hung out with a lot of those kids. - Hang out with them?
You sold them weed in the parking lot, and you were already, like, 40.
Why don't we meet up with those girls after the show?
- Yes. - What are you hooking him up for?
What the fuck?
Poor guy's in recovery, he needs a night out.
- No, E. Fell off the wagon. - What are you talking about?
- I know you've been calling Kristen, E. - No. Is it true?
No, it's not true.
Just say it's over.
- Please. - It's over.
'Cause we don't want to tell you she's a bitch...
then two weeks later, you get back together and you're mad at us for saying it.
- It's over. - BOTH: She's a bitch!
- She is a bitch. - You know what I'm saying?
- How's my head? - You look fine.
- What are you so worried about? - It is my movie, too.
- I forgot. Give us your line again. - All right.
I'm out of here, motherfuckers.
(CHEERING)
- He nails it every time. - I love it.
- So the head's good, though, right? - It's thick, Drama. Thick.
That Rogaine, that shit's liquid gold, baby. Let's do this.
Johnny, let Vince go out first.
Yeah. Go for it, Vince.
(SCREAMING AND CHEERING)
Pavarottis are out tonight, huh, E? Check out the tits on the girl from Extra.
Go find out where Ali's sitting. Make sure she's not within 10 rows.
- And don't mug for the cameras, either. - Come on.
Get a picture of me and my brother.
- You used to be on that show, right? - I've been on a bunch of shows.
- Vince's brother, what's your name? - Johnny Chase, he steals the film.
One more, guys.
(PHOTOGRAPHERS CLAMORING INDISTINCTLY)
Nice to see you.
- How're you doing? - How are you?
- Loved the movie. - Thank you.
(GREETING)
How do you think it went?
- Off the charts. You kidding? They loved it. - Nice.
- Vince, how are you? Great job. - Thank you, I appreciate that.
- Can I take a picture with you? - Yeah, okay.
How long do we have to be at this?
We gotta hang out awhile, have a few drinks, mingle a little.
We'll leave soon. Go take a picture with Alan.
Alan who?
Alan, the guy that financed the fucking movie, Vince.
- The one with the hot daughter? - No, he's got the gay son. He's over there.
Do it. Let's get a drink, I'll meet you here in a few minutes.
Every year, after every premiere, Vince likes to go night swimming.
That was you?
(INDISTINCT CHATTING)
Excuse me.
- Eric. - Hey, Ari. How you doing? What's up?
- What's Vince doing? - He's over there talking to some people.
Why hasn't he read Matterhorn?
The movie just ended, let him enjoy himself.
No. What does he do all day?
- Today? - Yeah.
He worked on his short game.
Yeah, he's got one job, to read fucking scripts.
- He can't do it? - Go tell him that, he's standing right there.
- What are you talking to me for? - Tuesday, courtside, all right?
If you get him to read... Wait for it.
Get him to read Matterhorn, okay?
I will take care of it. Relax, have fun tonight, will you?
- What does he need? - What do you need?
I'm on ass patrol.
I got a six-pack, one of them kind of looks like Kristen.
- What are you, an asshole? - I'm just saying, revenge fuck.
I'm gonna revenge fuck someone 'cause she looks like my ex?
I would.
More importantly, this girl told me she loves to give head.
I know you desperately need it, so I'm gonna make sure she gives it to you.
I'm sure some girl told you she loves to give head, too, right?
No, I told her I loved Derek Jeter first.
- Then she told me that. - Legally Blonde, 2 o'clock.
Boy, here she comes.
- Where's Vince? I can't find him anywhere. - I don't even think he came tonight.
Do not fuck with me, Turtle. Just tell me where he is.
Are we gonna do this again tonight?
- Go fuck yourself, Eric. - (TURTLE SNICKERING)
Why are you mad at me? I didn't do anything.
Come on, E. Let's go, these girls are hot.
They won some KROQ premiere contest. They want to party...
but first they want to meet Vince, so you gotta hook it up.
Could you get laid without Vince?
Do I give a fuck? That's the answer.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
(INAUDIBLE CONVERSATION)
(EXCITED SCREAMS)
So, you all live here together?
- I live in the guest house. - I'm a guest. Show me.
- What's wrong? - Nothing.
You just kind of remind me of somebody, it's freaking me out a little bit.
Ah. Come on. You can tell me about her.
Are you really Vince's brother?
- You all don't look very much alike. - Yeah, I get that a lot.
Because I have a lot less body fat.
(CHUCKLES)
- Come on, what do I gotta do to get a little? - Beg.
I'd get on my knees, but I'd drown.
Look, it's not like I don't think you're cute...
but I'm just still hoping I'm gonna be the one that fucks Vince.
Sweetheart, look around, Vince is gone.
So is your sister and your best friend.
Come on, just make out with me, I'll show you where Vince eats breakfast.
Okay.
Morning, Jorge. How you doing? Watch this shot. Are you ready?
Roberto, sorry about that, buddy.
Morning, Blanca.
- Morning, guys. - What's up?
- How did it go last night, boy? - What do you want, a play-by-play?
- I fucked like a puma. - My girl went nuts, E.
First, second, juggling the speed bags...
next, she was telling me how her uncle used to watch her shower.
- That's great. - TURTLE: Don't sweat it.
I gave her Vince's jeans. She left thrilled.
What's up, fellas?
Vince, you gotta read this thing. Ari's going nuts.
I know, he just called.
- Did you read it? - Yeah.
- I didn't like it. - Fuck it, then. What do I gotta read it for?
I don't know. You might see something different.
- You see any parts for me, E? - I'm not gonna see anything different.
What you like, I like. I mean, look at last night.
- You liked that and I think we got a hit. - A hit? We got a monster, Vince.
Yeah, I liked it, but you still read it.
- No. - You're kidding me, right?
I didn't even know who the killer was until I saw the fucking thing.
(SNICKERS)
- Unbelievable. - VINCE: Call Ari and cancel the meeting.
- What meeting is that? - Warner's.
- I told him I'd go meet the French director. - Can I ask you a question?
Why would you agree to a meeting when you haven't read the script?
Because at the time I agreed, I still believed I'd read it.
All right, cancel the meeting.
You know what? I'll take the meeting.
It's rude to cancel at the last second.
- What are you gonna talk about? - I'll listen.
That's what good actors do, they listen. Right, Johnny?
What?
The guy's a legend, Vince. Just talk about his old movies, he'll love it.
- What's he done? - How the fuck would I know?
Vince will love that. He'll love that.
All right, thanks.
(BARKS)
That was Black Hack. Says he's got a dog that'd be perfect for us.
- We're getting a dog? - A guard dog.
- Sweet. - Check out the picture, he's beautiful.
He's got a great body, E. Look at those calves.
This isn't a guard dog, this is a fucking lawsuit.
- Forget it. - I was talking to Vince, all right?
This is house business.
You don't live in the house, so it's not your business.
- Yeah. - Fuck you guys.
- You did move out on us. - I live in the guest house.
Which in my mind is still totally fucked up.
Here we go.
You never asked for the guest house, Johnny.
I shouldn't have to ask. I'm your brother.
TURTLE: Half-brother. Vince thought you were his cousin till, like, 14.
You know what? For two years, you guys mooched off me.
- You ate my food, you fucked my fall-out. - Your what?
My Melrose Place fall-out pussy. And what's my payback?
Sharing a bathroom with this fat fuck.
Do you need to go at my weight, you balding, unemployable douche bag?
Johnny, you're family, I need you close.
You'll thank me when Charles Manson breaks in and slits Eric's throat...
while we're safe with... What's the dog's name?
- Arnold. - Arnold?
I like that. Get the dog, Turtle.
Quick decisions. That's why you're a star.
Do what you have to, but I don't pick up dog shit.
It's the wrecking crew.
Hey, Turtle, I hooked you up with my friend, right?
Yeah, yeah.
That shit ain't free, pay him his fucking money.
- Come on, you know I'm good for it. - Drama, let's tee up, man.
You know, I'm working on that thing. But, yeah, I could do it.
Guys, I'll catch you later.
(INAUDIBLE)
ERIC: No use beating yourself up over it.
If you didn't like the guy, you didn't like the guy.
VINCE: He kept asking me questions, I didn't know what he wanted.
- French, can't understand a word they say. - All directors are pricks.
He didn't even see my last two films. What's that about?
You didn't read his script.
How can you compare watching a DVD with reading a script?
Vince, don't even worry, it's probably a dumb movie anyway.
(PHONE RINGING)
- What's up, Ari? - I got some feedback from the frog director.
Yeah, listen...
- He loved you. - Really?
They wanna wrap you up in a scarf and give you a baguette.
(MOUTHING)
They wanna throw $4 million at you.
You're kidding.
Are you smiling?
- Yeah, I'm smiling. - Can you hear me smiling? Listen.
You got my balls tingling, man.
They drive that way in Tiananmen Square, bitch?
- Call me. - I'll talk to you later, bye.
- They just offered me $4 million. - Holy shit, are you kidding me?
- Yes! - Yeah, baby.
- E., what do you think I should do? - I think you should read the fucking thing.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
That's 300 bones plus, and I hit it off the toe.
Next time aim west.
I don't need Ed Begley coming here in his electric car again.
That ain't Begley's house. Pierce Brosnan's got the Spanish roof.
I bet Black Hack can get us a deal on this G5.
How do you fly on a jet that your weed dealer handles?
He don't fly the fucking thing. He knows brokers.
Guys, give it up, all right?
Vince isn't gonna do some dog-shit movie just so he can time-share a jet.
Who says it's a shit movie? Sounded like a cool idea to me.
This from a guy who thought Guiding Light was a cool idea four years ago.
We listen to you, we'd all be working for some loser on a soap.
I'm up for a soap.
Sorry, Drama.
Vince will be a star no matter what.
It was pre-destined. The kid's a triple-threat.
He's got the look, he's got the talent.
- He's got the head. - The what?
The head, the big head. You guys telling me you don't know this?
The bigger the head, the bigger the star.
- You're such an idiot. - Bruce Willis, big head.
Russell Crowe, big head. Arnold Schwarzenegger, big head.
Vincent Chase, big, big head.
- How's my head? - Not so big.
But your ears are huge, if that helps you out at all.
E.!
Hey, E.!
- Yo. - I can't get through it, man.
- What's the problem? - I can't tell if the script sucks...
or if it's just I got the sound of a jet engine in my head.
- No, Vince, G5's whisper quiet. - Shut up, Turtle.
Keep reading.
- Give me that thing. Take that. - You going for Brosnan?
Three bones, baby, three bones.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(GRUNTING)
(DRAMA LAUGHING)
- You suck. - I don't know, it's a cop.
- I've never played a cop. Can I play a cop? - You can play anything, Vince.
Cop's tough. I did four eps of Blue.
The wrong guy could look real stupid carrying a gun.
- And when were you on NYPD Blue? - I was on Pacific Blue, cock breath.
- Oh... - And you know that.
For $4 million, we could buy this house.
You only got $2 million for your last movie.
- That's a big bump up. - What do you think, E?
If they're gonna give you $4 million for this...
they'll give you $4 million for something you love.
TURTLE: What the fuck do you know?
Guy does two years at Queens Community, suddenly he runs this town.
- (PHONE RINGING) - (SHUSHING)
It's Ari. Ari, what's up?
You get a chance to look at Matterhorn?
Yeah, you know what, I don't really understand it.
- You don't understand? Are you kidding? - I don't know, it's a little confusing.
This is your artistic bar mitzvah, baby.
You're gonna step up, you're the man in this one.
- Eric hates it. - Eric hates it, okay.
He says you should get me $4 million for something I love.
You're an idiot, dude.
What did you think of the script? Fuck Eric.
- You want to talk to him? - I don't want to talk to him.
I'm not talking to him. No.
Fucking. Ari, what's up?
Hey, Eric.
Why don't you and I sit down and have dinner?
- Tonight? - Yeah, we'll sit down over at Koi.
7:30, we'll talk about future plans. Figure out what's right for us.
Okay, cool.
All right, I'll see you there.
He wants to have dinner with me tonight. Talk about finding you a new project.
I don't always have to be in the middle of everything.
You want us to go with him?
What is this, a sweet 16? This is my career.
- Let Eric handle it. - (DOORBELL RINGS)
Yo, fellas, the puppy's here, baby.
(BARKING)
How is this dog gonna protect you? You can't even get him out of the crate.
Relax. Just gotta bond with him, learn his language.
Three days, he'll be taking chicken out of my mouth. Right, baby?
(WHINING)
(BARKING)
Drama, don't stare at him, retard.
What do you wanna do, Vince?
I kind of want to see this dog in action.
Hey, Turtle, I'm guessing you want to go...
to that lingerie party at the Mansion on Thursday?
Yeah, what do you guys got in mind?
(BARKING)
All right, you pansies, let her rip.
Here he comes.
Not the nuts. I'm saving them for Miss August.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(YELLING AND LAUGHING)
Hang in there, Turtle.
That sake you're drinking, my wife and I discovered in Hokkaido.
We were visiting Sofia on the set of Lost.
That film didn't really capture the place. Twice as boring in real life.
How about you, you dating? What's going on?
I broke up with Kristen. You know that, right?
The little blonde? I thought she was the one for you.
Brunette, actually, but, yeah...
I guess she thought her ex was a better play.
Ask me who I'm fucking. Come on, who am I fucking?
- Mrs. Ari? - Please, come on.
Irina Korova.
I don't know who that is.
Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue, she's the cover.
She's that Russian chick.
Yeah, I think Vince hit that. Did you ask him first?
I'm kidding with you. Relax.
(ARI CHUCKLES HALF-HEARTEDLY)
Let me ask you something.
Why are you talking Vince out of Matterhorn?
- I didn't talk him out of it. - What is it, the dialogue?
I can get some hack to come in, rewrite it. No problem, boom.
- It doesn't matter what I think. - It does matter.
You're part of the team, baby. I mean, I gotta know what you think...
so I can get you to think what I think, you know?
Okay, I didn't love it.
It's Die Hard at Disneyland. What's not to love?
Personally, I don't want to watch kids blowing up at Disneyland.
Where do you want to watch them blow up?
Nowhere. That's the point. I just read an article in The Times...
The New York Times, not this shit they got out here...
- You read The Times, huh? - Yeah.
- You read The New Republic? - I've heard of it.
I was reading that. It's interesting, 'cause what it says...
is that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about. (LAUGHS)
Look, I thought we were gonna sit here...
and talk about how we could find a project that Vince loves.
How you and I could work together.
How long you been out here, Eric? How long?
Fourteen months.
And what were you doing back there?
Back on the East Coast?
- Managing an Italian restaurant. - There you go.
Now, if I was opening a pizzeria, then you and I could work together.
I know you mean well. You're Vince's friend...
you want to protect him against making a bomb.
Bombs are bad, they kill your career, right? Wrong. Know what kills your career?
Passing on a hit.
Don't blame me if you can't get your client to do what you want him to do.
I resent this.
I don't have dinner with people like you. I don't do it...
I don't do this.
You think Hugh Jackman calls me and says:
"Ari, love the script, but I gotta run it past my pizza boy"?
I've been doing this for 15 years, okay?
What the hell do you know? Come on.
I know that two years ago you were the asshole that wouldn't call Vince back.
I also know, Ari, if you ever fucking talk to me like that again...
I will slap that grin right off your face.
You're gonna get street on me now? Is that what you're gonna do?
You know what? Enjoy your dinner.
This sake sucks.
Can I get a check, please?
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(MAN ON TV SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
- (GROANS) - (GASPS)
- Fucking scared the shit out me. - What, were you spanking it?
Yeah, I'm jerking off to Sports Center.
You are. Look, he was tugging it to the lady golfers.
- (SQUIRTING SOUNDS) - (LAUGHING)
- Whatever. - How was your big dinner with Ari?
I'm going to bed. I'll tell you in the morning.
You're not going to bed, we're going to Vegas.
What? We're flying for the reunion tomorrow.
No, we're flying from Vegas, Black Hack got us a jet.
I'm not going to Vegas.
Don't be a pussy. The Maloofs are hooking us up.
Vince is upstairs right now emptying out the safe.
Put $10 on red, and I'll see you guys in New York.
Should we tell him? We should tell him. Kristen's fucking Vince Vaughn.
What are you talking about?
She's back with what's his face, the restaurateur.
She was in the middle of 40 Deuce with her hand down Vince Vaughn's pants.
- She had her hand down his pants? - Both of them.
Vince Vaughn? That puffy motherfucker.
No, bro. He didn't look puffy at all. He was looking real good.
Yeah, it was like Swingers Vince Vaughn, not Old School Vince Vaughn.
It was like new school Vince Vaughn.
He looked like he'd been working out with a personal trainer...
probably a nutritionist, too.
What?
You're the worst fucking actor I've ever seen.
- You indicating motherfucker. - What? What did I do?
- We had him. - And how is this funny, anyway?
Look, I'm shaking. I feel like I'll throw up.
- You deserve it. - Yeah, why's that?
You broke the rule: No girlfriends, no commitments.
Fellas, I need to talk to E.
Please, Vince, talk to the guy, he's being a little bitch.
Yeah, payback's gonna be a bigger bitch. You'll see.
Guys, give me a second, all right?
I just talked to Ari. He said you threatened to beat him up.
Yeah, the guy's a real prick, Vince.
He's my agent.
You can't go around town threatening people, E.
- We're not back in high school. - He called me "pizza boy."
What, you were the night manager at Sbarro's, weren't you?
You know what, fuck you, too. How about that?
Okay, so Ari's an asshole. What do you want me to do, fire him?
Yeah, that's what I want you to do.
I want you to call him right now and fire him.
All right.
What are you doing?
Put the phone down. What's wrong with you?
- What's wrong with you? - Look at you, you're ready to fire your agent.
This is your life, your career. You care about that at all or what?
I care. It's just this shit is hard.
Picking movies, I can't do that. I'm an actor. Let me act like an actor.
Why don't you act like you know what the fuck is up?
What are you saying? You want me to make your decisions for you?
I don't know, I can't decide. Yeah.
Jesus Christ. Do you know where I'd be if I had your face?
Yeah. Well, you don't.
Look, should I do the movie or not?
You know what I think?
The script's a piece of shit and I don't think you should do the movie.
Okay. That's that.
I wanted to take some time off just to chill anyway.
Come on, Vince. Who you kidding? You've been chilling for three months.
Yeah, but I was all stressed those months. Now I'm just gonna chill.
- Whatever. - Come on, we'll talk about it in Vegas.
- I'm not going to Vegas. - Hmm?
What do you mean you're not going to Vegas?
- I'm not gonna go. - Come on, we'll have a blast.
We got The Real World suite at the Palms.
- No, I'm not gonna go. - Yeah, me neither.
Those guys were kind of psyched to go, but fuck it.
- Maybe we'll bag the reunion, too. - I'm not bagging the reunion.
- You'd go without me? - Yeah, I'd rather go without you.
- Fuck you. - I'm not trying to be an asshole...
I'm just saying, you go and it turns into the Vince show.
I know what's going on.
You're just afraid I'll fuck that little Asian chick...
you used to chase around. What was her name?
Sarah Lum.
- I don't care about Sarah Lum. - Dim Sum Lum.
Don't call her that.
All right, I'll go.
- Your passive-aggressive shit got me. - All right, we leave for the airport at 3:00.
- And don't even look at Sarah Lum. - You're just gonna have to tell her.
This is my no-fly zone.
If she enters my airspace, she's going down.
Your airspace?
Check it out, fellas. Jacket still fits.
Turtle, where did you pack the Bose headsets?
What Bose headsets?
The ones I told you to pick up for the flight yesterday.
You didn't tell me to pick up any Bose headsets.
Yes, I did. I told you to go to the Bose store...
and pick up four fucking pairs of Bose headsets.
Vince wants to listen to music on the flight...
he doesn't want to hear you jabbering in his ear. Now fucking go.
- Jesus, what got into you? - Just fucking go!
- Meet us at the airport. - What a bunch of bullshit.
Headsets? I'm only getting three.
We'll be bumping Biggie, you'll be humming show tunes.
What was that about? I don't want any headsets.
The guy thinks I'm the boy for this sound shit?
You also don't want to be driving around in a car that has that on it.
(LAUGHING)
VINCE: That's a good one.
- Laugh it up, Drama, you're next. - (PHONE RINGING)
It's Ari, talk to him.
- Hello? - Hello, Eric.
- I'd like to talk to Vince. - Yeah? He'd like you to talk to me.
Okay, player, tell him Colin Farrell took Matterhorn.
Fuck you!
What did he say?
Colin Farrell's doing Matterhorn.
He's good.
I hope you know what you're doing, pizza boy.