(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Come on, boy.
Oh, who's a good boy?
"My vagina is a shell, a round pink tender shell,
"opening and closing and opening.
"My vagina is a flower..."
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Vagina Monologues.
Me and Faustino are putting it up in class tonight.
Vagina Monologues, I thought that was for girls.
It's a gender reversal exercise, bro. That's what being a good actor's all about.
Sorry, Drama. I thought you already had your gender reversed.
Funny, dick.
E, I decided we're going with the Benz.
You're sure? You changed your mind 10 times already.
No, I'm set. I had a dream about it last night.
I dreamt about it last night, too, Vince. We're cruising down Rodeo.
Suddenly two jerk-offs pull up and say:
"Chase brothers, fuck your mother!"
And then open fire.
It had to be a dream. Somebody recognized you?
DRAMA: That's funny.
You're gonna love this. This is really good.
- You put soy milk in these again? - You're lactose intolerant. Don't fight it.
Vince, they got the stains out of your black Dolces.
VINCE: Cool.
I only got you nine iPods. They ran out.
- Did you get The Trades? - Right here, boss.
- I'm just warning you. It ain't pretty. - VINCE: Oh, really?
Fucking prick called you a thespian.
Read it out loud, E.
You don't want to hear this, Vince.
Come on, man. I'm a big boy.
"In Head On, a by-the-numbers crime thriller,
"only one thing is proven beyond a reasonable doubt:
"Vincent Chase is guilty of fraud."
(LAUGHING)
Wow. That's fucked up.
Fuck critics. Remember what they said about me when Viking Quest aired?
Who laughed their way through a full 22?
Keep reading.
"This fly-by-night pretty-boy, tapped as the 'it actor' of the moment,
"makes walking and talking seem so difficult, that by the end,
"you wish someone would just let the man rest."
- At least he said I was pretty. - All the Chase men are pretty.
Yeah. You're a real beauty queen, Drama.
- You all right? - Yeah. Whatever.
Good or bad, you can't let what these people say affect you.
- That's right. 'Cause you're a fucking star. - True knocking.
All right. We got Ari in 30 minutes. So...
Johnny, you still need some help with that scene?
From a no-talent pretty boy like you? I think I'll pass.
Oh.
- Loretta, how you doing? - Hi, beautiful.
How you doing?
Four o'clock.
- Who's that girl? She's cute as hell. - That was fucking Justine Chapin, bro.
- The singer? - No way that girl's a virgin.
That's what she's famous for.
She's saving it till marriage. Everybody knows that.
- Bullshit! I don't buy it. - Teen Beat don't lie.
Hey, you guys, I'm Emily, Ari's new assistant.
- Hi. - You are new, honey.
It's good to meet guys from Queens. My dad's from Flushing.
- Oh, yeah? - Oh, yeah? Where'd you grow up?
I grew up out here. But don't hold that against me.
- Can I offer you anything to drink? - I'll have a water.
Yeah, I'll have a water.
You got Welch's Grape Soda?
EMILY: He's in a meeting. Can he call you back, please?
Thank you.
- (PHONE RINGING) - Ari Gold's office. Please hold.
It's the girl's first day. You really needed to hassle her?
You order something unusual, people will never forget you.
I think E's got something for that Emily.
Seriously. 'Cause I'm always ordering weird shit,
and now, all of a sudden, it's become a problem?
- You like Emily? - I don't even know the girl.
- I'll hook it up. - Don't do it.
Emily, you got a boyfriend?
'Cause my man, E, here just got his heart broken.
He thinks you're kind of cute.
Oh, yeah? Which one's E?
How you doing?
Lay off the new girl. She's not broken in yet. Come on in, boys.
Hey, Ari.
- Hold everything for me, will you? - EMILY: Yeah.
DRAMA: Vince. Vince.
No representation. Just reminding you.
Do me a favor.
Make sure I'm off book, okay?
Okay.
EMILY: Ari Gold's office. Please hold.
"If your vagina could talk, what would it say, in two words?"
Eat me. (LAUGHING)
Give me that thing.
Look at the boy, huh?
Wait for it. Boom! Look at the ass on my next door neighbor.
See that? Four kids. My wife says it's impossible to maintain.
VINCE: You've a good-looking boy, Ari.
He likes chicks. See the glance? Look at that.
What's up with this Justine Chapin chick?
Justine Chapin.
Every young actor in Hollywood wants to be the first one in there. Take a number.
Ah, come on. She's not a virgin.
Always the cynic, E.
Ari, should we be worried about this review?
No. It's not even a real paper, Vince. It's Variety.
I'm not worried. I think Eric's worried.
No, I'm not. I mean, it's a bad review. I would've preferred a good one, but...
- What's your point? - ERIC: My point is, what're we doing?
- What are we doing? - Yeah.
What are we doing?
- What are we doing about Vince's next job? - I got Vince his next job. It's Matterhorn!
You passed on it, remember? He passed on your next job, Vince.
The guy doesn't want to make money. He's a communist.
Are you a communist or a socialist?
Or didn't you learn the difference at Pepperoni U?
And what are you, a Rhodes scholar?
I'm a lowly Harvard grad with a J.D. /M.B.A. From Michigan. That's it.
- Michigan, huh? Good football team. - Yeah.
What'd they do at Harvard?
- They row. - No, they crew.
- Crew. - They crew.
Vince, we gotta get you a real manager.
Why pay 10% when I got E over here for $4,000 a month?
Cash. Where are those scripts we talked about?
Emily, scripts! I pay my dog-walker $4,000 a month.
- Wanna play the Riv tomorrow? - Yeah, let's hack it up.
You caddie?
I'll caddie for you the day you outdrive me.
- Really? Then you're caddying. - VINCE: Everybody wins.
(PHONE RINGING)
Just call me if the pages printed out too light or anything.
Okay. I will.
My brother needs an agent.
I got Billy in the mailroom. He needs his first client.
We'll hook him up. I'm kidding.
We're golden. We're in great shape. What're you talking about?
We're in great shape. We're gonna open huge.
Hang back. I want to bounce some scripts off your boy.
- Keep me posted. - You got it. Keep your cell phone on.
Put those down. Come here.
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHING)
Where's your bedside manner, dummy? Why did you bring up a bad review?
- You said it didn't matter. - It does matter.
Everyone in this town reads that thing.
I got more calls about this stupid-ass thing than I did when my mother passed away.
We got 200 reviews coming out on Friday. If they're like this, we're in deep shit.
That's why you book your next job before the movie comes out.
Altoid?
Take him out, keep him happy, all right?
He's got meetings coming up, scripts to read.
He must keep focused. Have a good time with him.
- Keep his mind off that fucking review. - Yeah. You're right.
We in this together? Are we in it together?
- Yeah. You're right. - Ah! I'm kidding.
- Don't fucking mention that review again! - I'm not.
You want to hug it out?
- No, not really. - Let's hug it out, bitch.
Let's hug it out.
You remember The Orange County Register said
I was a functioning retard.
- Now, that was a bad review. - I thought that was a compliment.
You should come and check out this class with me.
You gotta audition to get in. But since you're legacy...
You think I need an acting class?
You don't need an acting class, Vince. Let's go get you a car.
What did Ari say?
Uh, good stuff. I got a box of scripts to read.
- So it's all good? - Yeah, it's all good.
- Let's go get you a Benz. - Fuck the fucking Mercedes, Vince.
What are you, a soccer mom? You want a car? I know what to get you.
RANDY: Vincent Chase!
My daughter's a huge fan.
- What are we looking at today? - The Phantom.
Excellent choice.
RANDY: This is the ultimate luxury motorcar, gentlemen.
Justin Timberlake, Jay-Z.
Queen Latifah purchased one for her manager.
When you drive a Rolls-Royce, you are making a statement.
And how expensive is this statement?
- $320,000. - Not bad.
But if you sign a picture for my daughter, I'll give it to you for $319,000.
Ah, how much if he bangs his daughter?
You don't buy this car, Vince. You lease it.
That's how all the broke jerk-offs in this town drive 911 s.
We have excellent terms on our lease.
What do you think, E?
I think it costs more than the houses we grew up in.
A fucking Subaru costs more than the houses we grew up in.
I don't know.
- Think I should buy this car? - Come on, are you serious?
- You're gonna spend $320,000 on a car? - So you don't think I should do it.
I didn't say you shouldn't do it.
- If you wanna do it, do it. - So I'm gonna do it.
Do it, Vince. Do it, baby.
Do it, Vince.
Fuck it, do it.
What did you say your daughter's name was again, Randy?
(RAP SONG PLAYING)
VINCE: Yo, this car makes driving fun.
I might even get my license.
We should've had one of these in high school.
ERIC: Why? You think that would've gotten you laid?
TURTLE: More than my yellow Fiero did.
Shit. I got crazy pussy in high school. And I was driving a moped.
Roll down the windows. We're stinking this beast up.
No, it's cool. I hate the smell of a new car.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
Yo, check this out.
Nice car!
- Thanks. - What do you do?
Me? I'm a lottery winner, sweetheart. Powerball.
You girls wanna party?
You look familiar. How do I know you?
You watch Cinemax at 5:00 a. M?
- (LAUGHING) - Call two friends. Follow us.
- All right. - Not too close.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
Marv, how you doing?
I can't hear you. I got water in my ears. Talk to E.
VINCE: It's Marvin.
Hey, Marvin.
Uh, yeah. I guess so.
Okay. See you then. Bye.
He wants us to come up to his office.
No, I'm not gonna listen to him tell me how to spend my money.
He's your business manager. That's what you pay him for.
So you go listen to him. That's what I'm paying you for.
So, what? Is he, like, your boss?
- Yeah. Something like that. - (LAUGHING) E's got a boss!
And who's your boss, Turtle?
What'd you say? I can't hear you, dick.
Thank God I'm self-employed.
He must have been out of his mind buying a $300,000 Rolls-Royce!
- He didn't buy it, Marvin. He leased it. - That's even worse.
Because if he bought it, in a pinch, we could sell it.
You're supposed to be the one with some smarts.
- What's the matter with you? - What am I supposed to do?
He wanted the car, he got it. I can't tell him how to spend his money.
But you got enough balls to tell him to pass on a $4 million fucking movie offer.
The script sucked, Marvin.
He wants artistic integrity?
Then, let him drive around in a Prius.
This isn't my fault. All right?
Ari's got my head fucked up. He told me to get his mind off the review.
You guys are out of control.
$2,500 a month his brother spends on vitamin supplements.
Nobody could take that many supplements and still fucking live.
Turtle's got a $1,500 a month cell phone bill.
You can get an unlimited plan for $200. Get him an unlimited plan!
I'll get him free weekends.
Don't be a wise guy. Come on, get the fuck out of here. I'm busy.
And, Eric,
don't forget to get your parking validated.
Hey, asshole! Not so close to the Rolls.
All right. Relax, guy.
TURTLE: I say we move to the 'Bu. DRAMA: The what?
- Malibu, baby. We'll learn to surf. - I don't care where we move. Find a place
where this clown doesn't have to use my bathroom.
TURTLE: What's the problem?
The problem is you're filthy, and you use all my products.
What products?
I found my Kiehl's open next to one of your beat-off mags.
- (LAUGHING) - TURTLE: So?
So, A: Stop using my bathroom.
And B: Why do gotta use $47 lotion to whack off with?
I got sensitive skin.
- ERIC: What's up, fellows? - We're looking at houses.
Houses? What's wrong with the one we've got?
Car's too nice for our place. We got to step it up a level.
Check out this one.
- It's $10 million. - Yeah. But it's nice.
This is L.A. This year, it's worth $10 million, next year, $20 million.
But it's this year, and it's $10 million.
Hack's got a mortgage broker, E. Says money's real cheap now.
He's talking out of his ass. Do you know what that means?
Not really. But if Hack said it, it must be good.
FEMALE VOICE: Guess who?
Um...
Edward James Olmos.
Oh, right! You didn't even say his name right.
- How are you? - How you doing?
- Good. Nice to see you. Hey, boys. - What's going on?
- Hi, Jessica. - JESSICA: Nice to see you.
I read the thing in the Variety.
I'm sorry.
No. The guy was such an asshole.
- You were great. - Really?
Yeah. You were fantastic. Wasn't he great?
- You were great. - Ah, thank you.
So what are you doing tonight?
Tonight? I don't know. What do you have in mind?
I'm having a party for my friend, Justine. She's going on tour.
Oh, yeah, we saw her today. Justine Chapin, right?
- Yeah. - She's cute. What's her deal?
Not a chance. She's saving herself.
Oh, come on. Is that really true?
Yeah. For this album, at least. So, are you guys coming?
- Yeah. - Absolutely.
We'll be there.
I'll see you later. Glad I ran into you.
- Nice to see you. See you tonight. - TURTLE: Bye.
DRAMA: Jessica Alba.
That's gonna be off the hook.
What about your class, Drama?
Fuck that class. They ain't paying me to be there, bro.
You gotta pop the pop star's cherry. It'd be great press.
- No. Virgins are too much responsibility. - I'll do it. I could use the press.
- She's not a virgin. - She is. I can tell by the way she sings.
That's right. Virgins do know virgins.
Look who's talking, Mr. Beg-for-pussy-on-prom-night.
I was begging my girlfriend, Turtle.
Not a $40 hooker who declined your mother's credit card.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Claudia, remember her?
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
So, who was your first, Drama?
Tracy Richter. It was a mess.
I always hoped I'd get to re-fuck her. You know, do it right.
- How about you, Vince? Who was your first? - I don't know.
You don't know?
- Fuck that. Everybody remembers their first. - Yeah? Well, I don't.
I remember your first. It was Cindy Davis, behind the arcade at Nathan's.
- Yeah, you may be right. - "Yeah, you may be right." Bullshit.
I don't believe for a second you don't remember your first.
Like I don't believe Justine Chapin's a virgin.
What kind of virgin has a snake tat pointing down to her box?
You're both hiding something.
CLERK: That's $253.
- $253. Nice bottle of wine. - It's for Jessica Alba, E.
You can't give her Boone's Farm.
You want some of this?
(ERIC TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
(DRAMA TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Save that signature, baby.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
JESSICA: Hey, guys!
- Jessica! - How are you?
Hello, how are you?
Bar's here, bar's over there, girls are everywhere,
bathroom's back there, and I need to steal your friend for a second.
TURTLE: All right. See you later.
We're going to the bar, let's go to the bar.
Yeah. Save me a drink. I'm heading to Silicon Valley.
- What are you drinking? - TURTLE: Uh, whiskey.
You girls seen the new Rolls?
- It's really nice to meet you. - It's very nice to meet you.
I'm gonna leave you two.
(CHUCKLING)
(GUAJIRA PLAYING)
There she is. Snowcone, how are you?
- My dark angel! Hello, honey. - Hey, Ari.
- Unbelievable party. - Thanks.
Jason, right? How you doing? Nice to see you.
I think that you could be doing a lot more.
- No, I do. I think... - You're really talking shop right now.
- I am talking shop. - At my house.
- Indeed... - At my party.
- Yes, yes. - My agent isn't here.
I know. I slashed her tires. She's on her hands and knees on Mulholland.
She won't make it, because you want a statue. You deserve a statue.
Can you believe this guy?
You deserve it. Because your natural energy,
the way you are hasn't been seen yet.
Someone needs to step up and utilize you for the way you are.
You're a self-empowered, interesting woman and you need to take it. Not an MTV award.
But a real one. And I want to be there. "May I have the envelope?" Let me be there.
- Can I think about it? - Thinking is bad for your complexion.
You shine, I'll think and make it happen, okay?
Give me three months to get you out of a leotard.
Warm up those vocal cords, Drama.
- They got karaoke here tonight. - Yeah, I know.
Should I go with Sinatra or something a little more poppy?
Yo, Drama. What are you doing here?
Me? Why aren't you in class?
'Cause I knew you'd fuck me, you prick!
Gender reversal exercise. What are we, fags?
Yeah, I know. Come here. Meet my new girl.
Be right back, bro.
- What's up, Ari? - You having a good time, man?
Yeah? It's not all fun and fucking games. Thanks, bro.
What are you talking about?
You told Marvin that I said that it was okay that Vince buys a fucking Rolls.
- Did not. - You did, you said it.
You fucking said it. You kidding me?
Don't ever fucking talk about me behind my back again.
Otherwise, I'll have to fucking kill you. I got ears everywhere.
No, I respect that. If that's what you want.
- It's not totally true. - Which part?
I'm not really saving myself for marriage.
So what are you saving yourself for?
I'm saving myself for someone special.
Huh.
- Have you ever been anyone's first? - Oh, no. And I don't plan to be.
I don't want to be anyone's first, and I don't want to be anyone's last.
That's too bad.
(CHUCKLING)
Doors fly open by itself. Heated back seats, front seats. Unbelievable.
(ALL NIGHT LONG PLAYING)
All right. It was your cousin.
What was my cousin?
My first time.
You fucked my cousin, Debbie?
Not Debbie. Sheryl.
I fucked Debbie, too, but not till years later.
Ooh, wow, you're an asshole. You got no shame.
What? You got hot cousins.
They had a good time.
Come on. Look at you. You're miserable.
You know what?
Maybe Ari's right. Maybe you should get a real manager.
It was one review, E.
It's not just the review.
A million people out there have more experience than I do.
Fuck experience. Come on, I trust you. You got instincts.
But you know, you're the reason why I moved out here in the first place.
- What are you talking about? - Third grade. I was trying out for basketball.
You said, "Douche bag, you're too pretty for basketball.
"You know, go try the school play."
- Did I say that really? - Yeah.
- I was just an asshole kid, I guess. - And a lot taller, too.
(CHUCKLING)
Look.
Take a look. Look where we are.
Did you ever think we'd have this?
Man, enjoy it. Have fun.
Worst comes to worst,
we'll go tear it up in Queens, like we always have.
Fucking Turtle's out front, christening the Rolls.
Great. A day old, it's already gotta be detailed.
You know what? We look like assholes in that thing anyway.
Get rid of it. Return it tomorrow, E.
You took a three-year lease.
You'll figure it out.
What a view!
DRAMA: We're at a party with some of the hottest girls in the world,
and we're staring at a bunch of fucking lights.
- Let's go find you a girl, E. - Yeah.
What about me?
ERIC: I don't wanna go back to Queens, Vince.
DRAMA: Who the fuck's going back to Queens?
VINCE: Nobody's going back to Queens.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
It's Ari.
Yeah?
All right. I'll tell him.
New York Times says you're the next Johnny Depp.
Cool.
You guys wanna go look at houses today?
Yeah, baby. (LAUGHING)
Let's get one with an outdoor pool, though. I'm getting all pasty.
- ERIC: Indoor pool's overrated. - Hurry up with that bone, man.
TURTLE: It's coming.
(RAP SONG PLAYING)