(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Whoa!
(PEOPLE WHISTLING)
Lights Out, it's Johnny Drama! What's up, man?
You see that? He recognized me.
(RAP MUSIC PLAYING)
(MAN WHOOPING)
(BELL RINGING)
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
(MAN WHISTLING)
(SHOUTING)
(BELL RINGING)
(PEOPLE ROARING)
(BELL RINGING)
$3 million for eight rounds! It's unreal. You gotta make a movie to make that much.
Are you crazy? Did you see that guy's face?
No amount of money's gonna get me in the ring.
$50,000, I'd let Klitschko beat the fuck out of me.
I'll beat the fuck out of you for free. What do you think?
I'm telling you, Klitschko don't hit that hard, man.
You kidding? The guy's Russian.
He's got that Mongolian Genghis Khan warrior blood in him.
I'd do three shots of Stoli and let him blast away.
- (GRUNTING) - Ow, you fucking dick.
You'd be a dead man.
Yeah, but I'd be flush. I tell you, I'd let that hit me for free...
- Fuck off, asshole. - It was him.
- Relax. - He didn't mean that.
- Hi, Vince. - Hi.
- How are you? - Good.
I'm Johnny.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(CAMERA CLICKING)
ERIC: Let's go to the bar.
(PEOPLE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
ERIC: Let's see. What do you guys want? DRAMA: Beer, baby.
What did you think of the seats?
- Amazing. - Two very slow white men.
I apologize. But goddamn, there was some blood.
- You liked the blood? - Loved it.
That was for you. If you see Rob Schneider, tell him you bought those seats.
What do you want to drink?
(TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Listen. Three tequilas would be great, all right?
- Cheers! - Good for what ails you.
Ah, yes!
- Jimmy! Jimmy Kimmel! - JIMMY: How you doing?
You know Vincent Chase, right?
- Yeah, how are you? - There you go.
- What's happening? - Big fan.
Thank you. I appreciate it. We should get you on the show.
- Yeah. I'd love to do it, anytime. - I'd love to have you.
Like tomorrow, we'd love to have you if we could.
I don't know, you're putting me on the spot.
I know you got the movie.
- You got a movie coming out Friday. - It can't hurt.
All right, fuck it. See you tomorrow.
- There you go, he's in! - All right. I'll call you, then?
- Absolutely. - Very good. Thanks, Ari.
- VINCE: Pleased to meet you. - I can't. I don't drink. I'm sorry.
I do drink.
- Say hello to your brother for me, too. - Johnny?
Tell him I said hi. I haven't seen him in a long time.
- He's around here somewhere. - See you, Jimmy.
There you go. You're in.
So, I got this guy, Rufus.
He's got this company called Home Video Solutions.
He just installed this sweet little home system...
in my place on Mulholland.
State-of-the art everything. I could charge admission at this place.
- Really? - I'm not kidding you.
Here's the kicker: I mention Rufus' name in InStyle.
All he charges me for is installation.
- Fuck you! - No. Fuck you, seriously.
Rufus, that's how he does it.
He's a wild cat, Rufus. I got his card here somewhere.
Ah, I'd love that.
You still doing that thing with Wes?
Yeah. We're gonna start shooting in June.
Did you get anyone to play the part of the partner?
Yeah. Unfortunately, my brother's gonna do it.
He's costly.
If he falls out, you think of me, right?
Always. Always thinking of you, Johnny Drama.
- Thanks a lot, Luke. I appreciate it. - Call Rufus.
Vince, you gonna prepare anything for the show?
No. That would take all the fun out of just winging it.
The guy's gonna ask you a lot of questions.
Yeah, it's Jimmy Kimmel. Not 60 Minutes, bro.
All right, you'll see. You should have some stories ready.
Hey, ladies.
You got any stories I can tell on Jimmy Kimmel?
You know what? The night's still young.
The night is young.
(DOG BARKING)
- DRAMA: Taste this. - I am not tasting that, it stinks.
- What the fuck is it? - It's a new recipe.
Tofu spirulina scramble, it's delicious. Taste it.
It smells like dog shit scramble.
Eat your Froot Loops and shut up.
- What the fuck smells? - Open a window, Drama. Jesus Christ!
You know what? Kitchen's closed, fellas. Enjoy cold cereal.
- So, you want to talk about Kimmel? - Jimmy Kimmel?
- ERIC: Vince is doing the show tonight. - Fuck Jimmy Kimmel.
ERIC: You're angrier than usual this morning.
Jimmy Kimmel's a prick.
Why? He said to say hello to you.
He's a phony prick.
He and I were running buddies back in the day.
That was before I got kicked off of Melrose Place.
The money ran dry. I lost my house. I had to move into that motel on Wilcox.
After that, that was it.
He dropped me like a bad habit. Never heard from the guy again.
I never heard that story.
Well, you know me. I don't like to advertise.
- Cancel on the prick, Vince. - He can't cancel.
I can't cancel.
ERIC: What are you gonna talk about, though?
E, it's a talk show. They ask you questions. You answer them.
"What's up?" "Not much." "How you feeling?" "Pretty good."
Don't forget about the time you tanked on Regis and Kelly.
That was a morning show. We pulled an all-nighter.
Plus, who could focus
with hot-ass Kelly Ripa up there interrogating you?
- So, what's really bothering you, E? - ERIC: What?
Are you really concerned about me, or is this maybe a Kristen issue?
Yep.
(LAUGHING) Don't tell me Kristen's back in the game.
Fuck off. She's picking up her shit later today. That's all.
I offered to help him box it up and send it off.
But he didn't want that.
TURTLE: Throw her shit in the garbage and change your number.
Yeah. She comes down here, you're out of commission for two weeks.
I can't have that.
(LAUGHING) Broken up and still pussy-whipped. That's just sad.
These guys are right. You lose control around that girl.
You guys don't know dick. You never had a relationship.
You never ended one. The only person you've ever loved is yourself.
What's not to love?
Look, breaking up is painful. That's why I never do it.
Why hurt someone when you can just let it drag on forever?
DRAMA: Come on. You must've broken up with someone.
- No, Johnny. Nobody. - Bullshit!
What about Becky Serrano in junior high? I remember, she was crying by the lockers.
I never broke up with Becky. I liked her too much for that.
No, you just started banging Meredith Tierney at the same time.
Yeah. I liked her, too.
I don't know how you get away with this shit. Lucky guy.
TURTLE: Vince, I was talking to Luke Wilson last night.
He's got this phat home theater. I think we should make a play for one.
SHAUNA: You couldn't call me? ERIC: It happened last night.
There's a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things.
- And which one was this? - Don't make a plan without consulting me.
You don't circumvent the system. There are consequences.
TURTLE: Is he gonna get killed for going on Kimmel?
- You might get killed for being an asshole. - Shauna.
If you want to do Kimmel, come to me.
I'm your publicist. That's what I'm here for, and that's what I do.
I gave him the idea for The Man Show. He loves my ass.
- Come here with that neck. - Cut that shit out. Look, I'm serious.
You don't want to piss off Letterman or Leno.
- You don't want to piss off Shauna. - I think she's looks kind of sexy, pissed.
I am. But those guys are vindictive pricks. Here, try this on.
- I'm sorry, okay? Do you forgive me? - Have you ever even seen the show?
- What? Jimmy Kimmel? - Yeah.
I don't know. Maybe. What's the difference?
He's not asking me to watch it. He's asking to be on it.
DRAMA: I think he should go with Byblos.
If he decides later he doesn't like it, I'll take it.
Have to let the shoulders out a bit.
You should get a couple suits to choose from, so you're not locked into one.
- He doesn't wear a couple suits. - He does now.
He gets them for free, you cheap fuck.
- That's a keeper. - Wow, nice.
Hello.
- You should get me on a talk show. I'd kill. - I'll get you on Springer.
Fat, little horny fucks, and the women that despise them.
SHAUNA: What are you laughing at?
Maybe I'll get you on Montel with Don Swayze...
Joey Travolta and the other retarded star siblings.
- That's funny. - Kimmel's girl just called.
They're calling back in an hour to do the pre-interview.
You're gonna have to do that, E.
It's gonna get my head screwed up. I gotta keep my spontaneity.
Fuck spontaneity. Well-dressed, well-prepared.
That's what makes you a star.
You wanna write that down for me in case I forget?
Yeah. Try this one on, all right?
ERIC: Yeah, that could be funny.
The script pages got all switched. The director got confused.
- Everybody really laughed about it. - Boring.
Then they fixed it. Yeah, I guess you had to be there.
What else?
Tell him about that stoned-out craft service girl who blew me after lunch.
- Why don't you stop it, Drama? - DRAMA: I'm trying to help.
You're not helping. You're embarrassing me.
I was on Arsenio. It never aired. 'Cause he got cancelled, but I was good.
Uh, let's see. Here's something. I got one.
Vince went to the High School of Performing Arts where they shot Fame.
But he never saw the movie or the TV Show. I always found that kind of funny.
Maybe not funny, but ironic at least. I don't know.
Hold on a second.
You want to do this? You're so funny. This is your interview.
I've never done this before. I don't know what to say.
You're doing a good job.
Yeah. Vince actually... He's not available right now.
I'll talk to him and see if we can come up with something.
I'll call you later, okay? Thank you.
Man, you're really bombing, bro. Maybe we should just cancel.
No. Don't even cancel.
Just don't show. That'll really fuck Kimmel.
You'd never cancel.
Why would I cancel when it's so much fun to watch him freak?
You're gonna freak. Sara Foster is also on the show tonight.
Oh, shit. You serious?
(LAUGHING)
- You're fucking dead! - TURTLE: Fuck you, baby!
(TURTLE WHOOPING)
Yo, Turtle!
(TURTLE WHOOPING)
I'm not walking.
Sara Foster? That chick is hot.
You think she'll bring other hotties with her?
- Why would she? - 'Cause hotties roll in packs, baby.
(HOWLING)
I never broke up with her, either.
We had that crazy night in the Hamptons. I never called her again.
I'm not proud of that. But that's not breaking up.
See? My record's intact.
No asterisk there.
What are you gonna say to her?
What do you mean, what am I... I'm not planning anything.
- What I say when I see her is what I'll say. - What about Kristen, E?
Same thing. Whatever I say when I see her is what I'll say.
Bullshit. He's gonna cry like a little bitch.
Cry like a little bitch.
(EXCLAIMING)
(LAUGHING)
Why are you using Vince as a defense... Run, Forrest, run!
ERIC: You look great.
Thanks. I'm probably in the best shape of my life.
- You look like shit. - I do?
Yeah, who's been cutting your hair? Turtle?
No, I just haven't...
- Still doing the Pilates? - When I have time. I'm really busy.
Yeah, me, too. Real busy. Got no time for anything.
No time for haircuts. Got a lot of shit going on right now.
- Like what? - Stuff.
- Really, like what? - Like stuff. Don't quiz me.
What did you do today?
You don't get my job, you never did.
I shopped and I played golf. But it's not how it sounds.
Shopping and golf?
Vince is doing Jimmy Kimmel tonight. I've got to keep his mind focused.
He's on with Sara Foster. You know who that is?
They had a one-night stand and he never called her. Can you believe that?
I can. Vince has to break up with girls before it gets serious.
That way he can't get hurt.
Textbook narcissist. He has major intimacy issues.
- You think that's what it is? - I'm a Psych major, Eric.
Turtle tells me you're thinking of buying a house.
Not exactly.
Oh, of course. Vince is gonna buy a house, and you're all gonna live in it.
Yeah. Something like that.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Fuck. - What?
What happened to you getting your own place?
- I am getting my own place. - When? When Vince dies?
When the time is right. Jesus! What?
Can't this wait?
It's in the second drawer. Jesus!
- Vince says hello. - Great. Look, I gotta go.
I was hoping we weren't going to fight about this.
- I thought you like to fight. - Only when it leads to make-up sex.
(CHUCKLING)
That's not gonna happen.
Wait.
Let's be clear about one thing, okay?
- This isn't make-up sex. It's break-up sex. - Whatever.
TURTLE: This fucking place is a shithole.
DRAMA: This can't be the place. It looks like a dump.
RUFUS: Luke Wilson's system was in the neighborhood of $190,000.
$190,000?
- Can't you do any better? - No, I can't.
I didn't want to have to bring this up, all right?
- I work for a fairly prominent movie star. - Yeah. Who?
- Vincent Chase. - RUFUS: Really?
He's great.
Maybe you recognize me. I'm his brother.
No.
TURTLE: Anyway, off the record, my man is doing Jimmy Kimmel tonight.
- All right. - What if we threw in a plug for your outfit?
Would that be cool? Would that be worth something?
I'll tell you what.
You deliver on that promise, I give you half off.
But if he wears this hat,
it's free.
So all he has to do is wear the hat?
- Check this out. - She's sweet.
Yeah. She's gonna be naked in a second.
(EXCLAIMING)
(ERIC SIGHING)
ERIC: So, now what?
You wanna go to dinner tomorrow night? Talk about all this?
Eric, you're really not getting this concept. This was break-up sex, for real.
So, what, you just had sex with me as a goodbye?
Yeah. It was great.
- I feel dirty. - KRISTEN: Take a shower.
DRAMA: Tie or no tie? TURTLE: No tie.
- What do you know? - ERIC: Where are you guys going, church?
- Gotta look nice for the ladies. - Vince, come on. We're gonna be late.
- What ladies? - Kimmel's green room.
We hear it's stocked like a trout pond.
So, how'd it go with Kristen?
- We said goodbye. - After you plowed her?
- We had break-up sex, all right? - "Break-up sex"? Never heard of it.
Yeah. You have sex, and then that's it. You say goodbye.
That's the only kind of sex I have.
- Hey, homey. - What's up?
ERIC: You look like you just rolled out of bed.
Yeah, I did.
You're gonna wear that shirt?
No, it's wrinkled.
I'm gonna wear this one.
- You got style, bro. - TURTLE: Looks good!
We got a good show tonight.
All right, from the movie, The Big Bounce,
Sara Foster, here, tonight!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Heard a lot about this. This movie everybody's talking about,
the movie, Head On, the star of it, Vincent Chase, here, tonight!
- (AUDIENCE CHEERING) - (INDISTINCT TALKING)
- Where are the suits? - Right here, baby.
Shauna, don't tell Kimmel I'm here. 'Cause he and I have some issues.
Yeah, mum's the word, Drama.
(WOMEN TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
Don't tell me you made notes.
Only one.
- Home Video Solutions. - Yes.
You guys go to the green room. I'm gonna take Vince to makeup.
- Where is it? - That way.
Vince, extra concealer. That's the key under house lights.
- Good luck, buddy. - Go get them, baby!
I don't know about the afterlife, but this life is sweet.
- Shall we? - We shall.
(TITTERING)
Wow.
This is bad.
What?
- I never called you. - Please. I never called you.
- Really? - Really.
Yeah, well, I still feel bad.
I feel worse, trust me.
You look incredible.
You, too. Come in.
Close the door.
You know me, Shauna. I like to play the field. Keep my options open.
When I settle down, it's gonna be forever.
Weren't you married once already?
Nine days. It was annulled. Next time.
Hmm.
- Ari's late. - ERIC: Good.
- I'm early. - Good.
Hey, guys.
(SIGHING)
- You smoke? - Cigarettes?
Yeah, I've been trying to quit recently.
- How hard are you trying? - (CHUCKLING) Not that hard.
Good.
- I thought he quit? - Cigarettes, not pussy.
Hmm.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Ready in five.
SARA: We need 10.
EMILY: I've tried everything. I tried the patch. It left a yellow stain on my arm.
- I know. Me, too. - Have you ever tried Nicorette?
I did, I tried it, but I couldn't follow the instructions.
I never thought chewing gum could be so complicated.
I even tried smoking only when drinking coffee.
Me, too, I started drinking 25 cups a day.
I went to a hypnotist, cost $500.
- How did that go? - It went pretty good,
until I saw a pair of shoes that I could've bought.
I started smoking again.
But this time I'm quitting for sure.
- For sure. - Yeah.
Me, too.
Wanna share one more? Let's share one more.
Definitely.
What kind of a guy do you go out with? What do you look for in a man?
Honestly, just a regular, nice guy
like yourself!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Tell him I don't represent talent. I represent temperature, and he's not hot.
Sarah Silverman. Hi.
- Ari Gold, hi. - Nice to meet you.
- We've met before. - No, I know...
They're booking hip people here. Now, that's cool.
No, I'm not on the show tonight.
That's even hipper. Cool people hanging out.
That's awesome. That's cool.
Right. I'm here representing my boy, Vinny Chase.
Are you going to the green room?
No, I'm not going in. I got banned from that fucking place.
- Really? - Yeah, it's ridiculous.
I had a little situation with Natalie Portman's father.
Stupid.
- It was a weird situation. - I'll sneak you in. Wanna go in with me?
Like we go in together? You and me together?
Like, we're going in at the same time.
All right, but are we going to be leaving together is what I'm saying.
That's so scum-baggy. I know you're married.
- I take Krav Maga with your wife. - I know you do.
I'm not trying to fuck you, Sarah. I'm trying to sign you.
Ooh.
- You know what I'm saying? - Yeah.
You're a funny girl. I mean, you know...
you do the ass jokes and stuff, I enjoy it.
What's the problem? I'll be out in a second.
I'm sorry, I'll have to ask you not to hold hands.
The FCC says no overt displays of affection. So...
Uh-oh. Uh...
If you could just separate them. Thank you.
We just had sex about five minutes ago.
(AUDIENCE ROARING)
That's another...
- VINCE: Is that okay? - No, you could be arrested for that.
- SARA: So wrong! - We're on the lam now.
(LAUGHS) It's wrong. So, let's talk about the movie. It comes out this weekend, right?
- I don't want to talk about it. - You don't want to talk about it?
It's a mystery. I wouldn't want to give it away.
I'm not here to plug anything. I'm here to see you.
JIMMY: Well, thank you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
What about me?
- And you, of course. - He's so full of it. It's unbelievable.
So, we have a clip of the film. And you need to set the clip up?
Forget about the clip.
All right, we'll forget about the clip.
VINCE: Look, the movie's called Head On.
It's a cool movie, see it this weekend.
You're guaranteed to love it, or your money back.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- From the studio. Not from me. - Yeah. Right.
What would you like to talk about then? I'll let you decide.
Well, why don't we talk about my brother? He's really pissed.
He says you dissed him, you owe him a phone call.
- So you know what happened? - I know what he told me.
I can't believe he's not talking about the movie.
- Get ready for some lies. - He's going to run out of time.
How is he gonna work Home Video Solutions into this?
Would you shut up and listen?
What did he tell you?
He said that when he hit a rough patch, you kind of bailed on him...
and you never called him again.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
JIMMY: He did not... He said I bailed on him?
I was like a bounty hunter trying to get a hold of him.
I called his house. I looked for his address.
He owes me a call.
I think he might be right.
He's backstage.
Who? He is?
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
Is he really? Johnny Drama's backstage?
Bring him out. Because I'd love to clear this up.
Is he around? Is he really backstage?
- Come on. Go. - Go!
TURTLE: What's wrong with you? Get out there!
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
Do I need makeup?
The great Johnny Drama!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
- Maybe I did owe you a call, buddy. - That's all right. Johnny Drama, everybody!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
VINCE: Isn't that classic?
- How do I look? I look pretty good? - You do look thin.
- Thin? I look lean. - That's what I meant.
No body fat.
JIMMY: You guys are living together now?
It's a bachelor pad? What's the setup over there?
- Tell them about the home theater. - Yeah.
So, we have this really great house. And it's got everything.
- Except... - Except...
a home theater.
But we've been told that Rufus at Home Video Solutions...
...is the best in the business.
(ALL LAUGHING)
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
DRAMA: Here you go!
- To Drama. - To Drama.
Great night.
Great fucking night.