(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
ERIC: Hey, it's me!
Yep. We just landed.
Okay. Cool.
The guy's not home five seconds, he's already calling Kristen.
Oh, boy, here we go.
You don't want her thinking you're dying to see her, do you?
Turtle's right, E. Let her think you're busy.
She's my girlfriend, idiots. I don't care what she thinks.
I don't have to play games anymore. Tell them, Vince.
Come on, what do I know about relationships?
What kind of girlfriend won't come see you while you're away working?
The kind of girlfriend in school.
I went to school. How hard is it to cut out on that shit?
Not that hard when you're headed for a GED.
Three months without pussy, E. That's rough. You're almost a virgin again.
Why do you think he's calling?
It's like the guy got his hymen restored.
Vince, you ever go three months without pussy?
- Vince, ain't never gone three days. - Wait, that's not true.
Sophomore year.
- Really? - Well, you had mono.
- Good memory, E. - That shit don't count.
Yo, Johnny, is there another slice left?
DRAMA: No, sorry, bro. Polished it off over the Grand Canyon.
We need an Eddie's out here. LA pizza blows.
ERIC: Why is it so hard to get a good slice in LA anyway?
Tap water. That's why you can't get a decent bagel either.
Except on Fairfax.
There's different water on Fairfax?
Yeah, Vince. The Jews import it from Borough Park.
I'm serious.
If that were the case, then why can't you get a good slice on Fairfax?
Because Jews don't make pizza, idiot.
ERIC: So, given your theory, Drama, I should get a decent pizza bagel at Canter's.
TURTLE: Uh-huh.
DRAMA: Wrong, E!
Kosher mozzarella tastes like tofu.
(LAUGHING)
VINCE: Tofu?
- Did you call for a car, Turtle? - Was I supposed to?
No, we're supposed to walk home.
Summer break's over, E. Time to get your soldiers in line.
Guy's not my soldier. I inherited him.
- Hey, fuck you. - I hate the new system.
Check it out.
You called them and asked them not to tow it?
It would be cooler if I left it for Homeland Security to impound.
Shotgun!
I hate the new system.
All right, so, remember, gardener, pool guy, newspaper, vet, alarm company,
satellite, Gelson's, dry cleaning, and get the MLB package hooked up.
Oh, call your boy Busey, Vince. We're finally gonna accept that gift.
I hope it's not a self-portrait.
Turtle, will you do me a favor? Will you take this stuff in?
Vince, I want his job. The guy's sitting on Easy Street.
Turtle, please. You're like a three-time lotto winner.
Where you going?
Three months, Vince. Three months.
Yeah, you won't last five minutes.
He won't last five seconds.
What are you doing?
You got me thinking. Take me to Stacy's.
No, Jamie's. No, Stacy's.
What?
What the fuck are we supposed to do?
Jerk each other off, you losers!
Yeah, don't forget your bag!
- Help me with this stuff? - Yeah.
I got Arnold. Come on, Arnold, let's go.
What?
I have my period.
Oh, fuck. Really?
Yeah. Bad timing, huh?
Yeah.
You know. I mean...
- Maybe... - What?
It's been three months. Maybe a little something else.
- No. - Why?
Because that wouldn't be fair to me.
I've been waiting to have sex with you for three months also.
Yeah, but it's easier for girls to hold out.
No. Eric.
I feel gross. I feel fat and bloated.
Well, you're not. You're beautiful.
- Saturday night. - What?
We can get really drunk.
And since you're this big hotshot manager making the big bucks,
we can get a room at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
Big bucks? I made $6,000 on that movie.
Okay, well, we'll split the room.
We'll have the best sex ever.
What are we gonna do now?
Just kiss.
- She wouldn't even blow you? - Or give you a nice tug?
That's bullshit.
You act like a priest for three months, the least the girl can do is service you.
That is a little selfish.
Had I shown up and Kristen was missing a leg,
I still would have taken care of business.
ERIC: You would have sex with a girl on her period?
Who wouldn't, man?
Hey, I've done it. It's not something I hope for.
You guys are disgusting. I don't think I've ever done that.
Well, you should, altar boy.
Because it's a fact a girl on her period is hornier.
And there's no need for a raincoat.
- It's like Flag Day. - TURTLE: Except it's a week. Hold that!
Hey, what's up?
VINCE: What the fuck?
Hey, guys. I'm Lloyd, Ari's new assistant.
What's up, man? I'm Vince.
I know who you are.
If Ari gives you a hard time let me know, all right?
What happened to Emily?
I don't know. Can I get you something to drink?
- Water. - Water sounds good.
I'm good.
- What are you being an asshole for? - Yeah?
A bigwig like Ari should have a hot assistant to look at.
Johnny, some people probably think he is hot.
I ain't one of them people.
Come on, Turtle, let's go.
The only reason we stopped was to see how Emily treated you.
Peace.
The boys are back in town!
You like "Gaysian Lloyd"?
He's cute, right? And he covers two quotas.
- ERIC: Did you fire Emily? - I had to.
To make sure you wouldn't fuck another one of my assistants.
You're not gonna try to fuck Lloyd?
Did you really fire her?
James Cameron stole her. She's over at Lightstorm.
So, how was the little movie?
Honestly, one of the best experiences of my life.
That's fantastic. But you got it out of your system, right?
I wanted to talk to you about that.
I ran into Neil LaBute in New York. He wants me to do his play in London.
Six months, $300 a week.
But I figure with your negotiating skills, you can get me $400.
And it's very well written.
Okay, Ari, I'm joking.
I'm ready to work. What do you got?
Hiya, Mary.
Hi, I'm Carla. Adam's new assistant.
Can I get you guys something to drink?
You have a Diet Creamsicle Shasta, by any chance?
ADAM: Johnny, Turtle.
Adam!
You have an office!
And you've got a smoking-hot assistant.
Yep, and it's all because of this guy.
- Really? - No, not really.
Sit. Sit.
So, I'm back and I'm ready.
Great! Exciting stuff going on.
- DRAMA: Yeah? - I'm circling something at NBC.
TV?
I thought maybe after Queens Boulevard, we could get a movie.
Oh, this is a movie. A movie of the week.
But I have a little problem.
Your headshots, they're setting us back.
I've had those shots since '92. They've been great.
What's the problem?
The problem is people get annoyed when they expect to see a 24-year-old.
Does this look like you?
- You ready? - Let's go, we're ready.
This kid's got no patience.
In some countries, they would cut off your elfin feet
- for disrupting the master's flow. - How about I shove my elfin foot up your ass?
- You missed me, didn't you? - Ari, come on.
All right, you ready?
Aquaman!
- Aquaman? - Aquaman, baby!
It is Spiderman underwater! Boom.
- Is there a script? - ARl: No, I know he doesn't like to read,
so I got you something with pictures.
Tell him, E.
Oh, tell me what?
- We know what we want to do next. - What?
The fucking Belt Parkway?
- Relax. It's a studio movie. - Really?
It's big.
Show him.
What is this, some Showtime miniseries? Come on.
No, it's Medellin. The Pablo Escobar story.
Sex, drugs and salsa!
- Did you read it? - ARl: I know about it. It's at Universal.
This movie is gonna be the new Scarface.
Which was our favorite movie growing up.
ARl: Really? VINCE: Here's the story.
I come from the gutter, that's okay.
I got no education, I know that. There will be no stopping me.
I go straight to the top, Ari!
This is the kind of studio movie we want to do.
What're you gonna do about it?
I'll get into it. But I'm also deep into Aquaman.
I got a meeting with Dana Gordon.
Well, should I be there?
No.
Unless you wanna pull up her car
- or serve us crème brûlée. - Go fuck yourself.
- Not gonna work this year. - What're you talking about?
- What did I tell you? - I can't play with the guy?
- What's the deal? We gotta battle. - Go easy.
- He's having a rough day. - What happened?
- He's not getting any. - Oh, no. You kidding me?
You want me to get Lloyd in here and have him hari-kari you with his pecker?
Or no? No?
I thought the girlfriend was still in play.
Bad time of the month to come home.
ARl: You're like me. ERIC: Yeah? How so?
I won't even fuck my wife after she plays tennis.
Oh...
Listen, here's the deal.
I got other things to discuss with Dana Gordon.
So you set your own meetings.
But, Vinnie, the good news is, Warner's loves you. Know it.
This year you're going to jump to the next level, baby.
- Sounds good. - Sounds fine.
I'd say hug it out, but I don't want you drawing wood.
All right? This is your year, baby. Your year!
(HORN HONKING)
Jesus.
WORKER: Try this side.
Turtle! Turtle!
What the fuck you screaming about? I'm right here.
- What's going on? - Everything. Just like you asked.
It's fucking chaos out there. You couldn't spread things out?
I have my system, you had yours.
What is this thing out here on the front lawn?
That's Busey's gift. It's a psychedelic totem pole.
I thought he was giving us a painting.
I told him I liked that one better.
We don't own this house. What are we gonna do with it when we move?
Fucking leave it. It's ugly as shit.
I told him Vince would take a picture in front of it, though.
Now you're pissing me off.
Maybe you should try doing my dog shit job and I should try being Vince's manager.
- ERIC: I did your job. - Not like this.
Vince never yelled at you.
You yell at a guy, you break his spirit.
Vince, does his new title allow him to yell at me all the time?
That was in his deal. Sorry!
Don't be so sensitive, Turtle.
- What day is she on, E? - Who?
- Kristen! What day of her period is it? - Day two.
- You're in for a rough week. - Not as rough as E.
Can I buy you a blow job? It would make both our lives easier.
Nope, I'm fine. Don't need any of that. Just gotta make it to Saturday night.
What? You made a sex date?
He's got to wine and dine his own girlfriend?
I thought the whole reason people have girlfriends is for effort-free sex.
Are you sure she's not trying to avoid fucking you?
Exactly. Whoever heard of a girl who cycles mid-month?
Mmm-hmm.
When do you cycle, Drama?
Hey, Turtle, let's go outside and take a couple shots.
I already took care of your head shots.
- You can't let Turtle take your headshots. - DRAMA: Why not?
VINCE: Because you need a professional.
You want me to call David LaChapelle? He owes me a favor.
The guy charges five grand to set up a light.
- I already took care of this, Drama. - So, I'll pay.
It's your career. You can't fuck around with it.
It's emasculating having your kid brother pay for your headshots.
And him paying for the rest of your life is empowering?
Vince don't pay for shit of mine. Everything's on my tab.
Tell him, bro.
It's all a loan, okay? So borrow the money.
It's not the money. It's the principle.
- I can't let them win. - Who's them?
The conspirators in this town
who force the good actors out of the business by draining their resources
with shit they don't need, like,
fucking headshots.
Your headshots are taken care of. If someone would just listen to me.
- By who? - Trust me, all right?
See, I'm a multi-tasker.
You're a regular Martha Stewart, Turtle.
At any point am I gonna get any credit from anyone?
ERIC: We'll see, Turtle. We'll see.
VINCE: California Pizza Kitchen?
- Did you buy this? - Yeah, it's New York style.
Not with guacamole on it, it's not.
You guys are all over me today. Jesus!
Oh, come on, don't be so sensitive. I'll eat the shitty pizza!
Vince, you should take a look at this Aquaman. It's cool for a comic book.
You know what, I don't want to do Aquaman.
Afraid you don't got the body to fill out the suit?
(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY) I didn't want to tell Ari, get the hard sell.
- Will you tell him? - Sure, I'll lock him into Medellin.
(THANKS IN SPANISH)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Excuse me, was anyone gonna call me and tell me you're back?
You didn't know we were back?
I knew you were back because Gary Busey told me.
He wants that shot with Vince.
- Eric Murphy, this is Amanda Peet. - Hey.
ERIC: Hey. SHAUNA: Eric is Vincent Chase's manager.
- Oh, hey. - Nice to meet you.
You too! When's Vince gonna do another movie?
- Soon, very soon. - AMANDA: Good.
You should find Vince a movie to do with Amanda.
- Yeah! - That would be great.
I'm more than a publicist. I really should produce.
Give me your card, I'll give you a call.
You know what, I don't have a card.
What's the name of your company?
You know what, I don't have a company either.
- I'm getting that going. - I'll put you two in touch.
Okay, great.
- Nice meeting you. - I'll call you.
You sound like a fucking moron, you know that?
Thanks, Shauna. It's weird. Your eyes, they look black in this light.
- You should seriously... - Hey.
You're not gonna keep me waiting are you? What're you doing?
- Hey, Shauna! - Oh, fuck you, Ari!
Hey, hey, who speaks like that at Koi?
I apologize. She's in PR. She knows not what...
You need to be punished. Let's go.
This is retarded.
Do you wanna drop two grand on headshots?
This won't be out for another four weeks.
What do we have to do to make sure my boy gets picked?
I do the picking.
How do I know this isn't your signature?
Come on, Christy, are you crazy?
That's the classic Vincent Chase swoop on the V right there.
Yeah, yeah. I got the same thing with my J.
Who are you?
I had an unbelievable lunch with Dana Gordon.
The script is coming in next week.
And kanpai...
I think I convinced her to attach Vinnie before they get a director.
I should get a fucking Pulitzer.
Ari, Vince doesn't want to do Aquaman.
What do you mean he doesn't want to do Aquaman?
He hasn't read the script.
He has read Medellin. He wants to do that.
Where did you get that one? Josh Weinstein?
- A little insecure, Ari? - How did you get it?
Turtle found it on the subway. What's it matter? We wanna do it.
And I want to fuck Angelina Jolie. The only difference is, I might have a shot.
We don't have a shot?
No, you want to know why? They're out to a guy.
I don't know if you ever heard of him. His name is Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise is gonna play Pablo Escobar? The guy is not even Hispanic.
Hilary Swank has a vagina
and she won an Oscar pretending she has a dick.
That's what actors do, they pretend.
I get it. I get it, okay. So, what if Cruise passes?
They go to Brad Pitt. He passes, they go to Keanu Reeves.
And on down the list.
- Where is Vince on that list? - He ain't on the list.
- How do we get him on the list? - You do Aquaman, you stupid fuck.
- Let's go. - DRAMA: All right, let's do it.
Okay, great. I think we got what we need.
Wait, hold on a second, pal. I got a couple of wardrobe changes.
Turtle!
Who is this guy?
- Okay. - Suck in that gut a little, Drama.
Fuck you, Turtle.
How's the hair look? Good?
Before he did Born on the Fourth of July, Tom Cruise did Top Gun.
Hanks fucked a fish before he did Forrest Gump.
We need a commercially viable popcorn flick, like Matterhorn would have been.
- We can get Aquaman. - We can get a lot of things.
Since Vince doesn't want to do Aquaman, let's talk about those things.
Really, we can get a lot of other things? You know?
- Yeah. - You know what we can get?
You don't even know the name of your own fucking company.
Stop cursing at Koi. You're embarrassing me.
You know what's embarrassing,
is that you are managing your best friend right out of the business.
- That would roughly be embarrassing. - That is not true.
You'll be singing a different tune when you see Queens Boulevard.
(CLEARS THROAT)
We need a career intervention, is what we need.
No more arguing. No more bullshit. We're going to sit down, the three of us,
and I'm going to lay out for you clearly, what our options are.
This town is littered with the trashed careers of the 'once upon a time' movie stars.
Don't let our boy be a cautionary tale.
Okay. Well, I conceptualized this when I was on a walk-about in the Badlands.
And I stumbled on this briar patch of berries.
And I ate every berry I could see,
because I thought that would be nurturement from the earth to me.
Vincent. Teeth.
And after I ate the berries, this came to me. Each one of these represents...
Don't ever commit to shit without talking to me first.
I gotta have some freedom to operate, E.
You gotta earn freedom.
Why didn't you get this guy to do my shots? He's a real pro.
All right, you know what? Fuck you and fuck you, all right?
That's it, I'm done. I quit.
What's he quitting?
He gets paid?
I don't think there's a word in the Earth language
or in the dictionary to define
what it did to me. But it was up in here.
It was in my heart, my spirit, my soul, my mind, my emotions.
- No anxiety... - Gary, how many pictures do we need?
One perfect one. It comes from the light of the sun after it's set.
It's 11:30 now, Gary.
I know it is. But we must wait for this precious time.
Well, we have a meeting.
Your meeting and your future is meaningless.
Gary, a couple more pictures and that's it.
GARY: Guys, let me ask you a question.
What's more important...
Oh, great. Now what?
Got a big one for you fellas today.
DRAMA: Yo, H&H Bagels. All right! How you doing, Blake?
BLAKE: What's happening? VINCE: Yo, check it out. Carnegie knishes.
VINCE: Nice!
DRAMA: What else you got?
BLAKE: Whatever this is. DRAMA: Oh!
Eddie's Pizza!
What a score. It's like being back in New York.
- Nice, E! - I didn't do it.
Who did?
Jesus, E. You never came up with something like this.
Yo, great job, Turtle. Come down here!
Yeah, Turtle, good job!
(SHOUTING) Oh, any corned beef?
I'm not coming out till all of you apologize. And that means you, too, Vince.
I'm sorry.
I didn't do nothing.
Sorry, Turtle!
Now the Lucky Charm.
- Come on, E. - Yeah, come on. This is impressive.
Whose DHL number is this?
It's Ari's.
I'm sorry.
I knew you would like that.
Get down here and help us carry this shit.
Yeah, that figures.
These are great.
- Yeah? - Yeah!
Except, what's with the big apple behind your head?
It doesn't matter.
This is our year, Johnny. Can you feel it?
So, twice in two days, huh?
Must be important.
E didn't explain the situation to you?
Did you explain to E that there wouldn't be any lunch?
I would have waited for my pizzas to defrost.
You didn't tell him what I told you?
I told him you wanted to sit down and talk.
I thought we just sat down and talked.
What's the situation, Ari? You seem stressed.
Yeah. We can't get Medellin.
Why not?
Because they're looking at other people.
So call and tell them to look at me.
You don't think I've been on the phone?
You're the most powerful agent in the business.
One of the most powerful, yeah.
No, you said when I signed with you, you were the most powerful.
- He said that to you? - A bunch of times.
Shut the fuck up, Eric!
Listen, Ari, snap out of it, all right?
If they're not looking at me, you call them.
Tell them to look at me. They'll listen to you, all right? We cool?
I'm starved. Let's get outta here.
Vince, we have to do Aquaman.
You didn't tell him any of this?
No, he told me. He told me, okay?
And Eric also told you that I don't want to do Aquaman.
If we can't get Medellin,
then we will wait for something else that I love.
(CLEARS THROAT) For the past three months,
while your boy has been sitting on your indie set pouring creamers
and getting no pussy, I have been scouring this town for an offer.
It ain't out there.
Come on.
Okay.
Here's an offer for you to star in a new Olsen twins movie.
It's a love triangle in which little Mary-Kate and Ashley
use you as an experiment to see if you can tell
if they are two separate, distinct people.
This would be mildly amusing
if the producer didn't think he had a realistic shot of getting you.
It ain't eight months ago, man. Listen, you cooled off.
The $5 million offers do not exist.
But Warner's loves you, so Aquaman does.
(EXHALES)
What do you think, Eric?
We should read Aquaman and then see what's what.
Excellent representation. Nice work, E.
You know what I think? I would rather quit the business
than to do more shit that I don't love.
I've done that. And you know what, it sucks.
I was only partially joking about Neil LaBute, Ari.
I'll go do a play.
I'd rather do a play than this bullshit.
Don't forget, I came from nothing.
As much as I love the toys, I don't need them.
Well, that went well.
I don't want this to get to a place where you start blaming me for everything.
You guys don't listen to me. Listen to this.
You tell your boy to do Aquaman, or you tell him to find other representation.
DRAMA: Yo!
My headshots were a monster hit.
This is gonna be a great fucking year.
Can you feel it?