(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Hello. - What, do you wake up at noon, Eric?
It's 10: 15. I had a late night. What's up?
You're gonna have a fabulous day. Get up and grab Variety.
- Why? What's it say in Variety? - I told you I'd get you the cover,
- and I did. - Holy shit.
What's it say?
Hold on. Christy, come on.
It says, "Vincent Chase swims into Aquaman."
Clever, huh? And they got his picture side by side
with Jeffrey Katzenberg, so it looks more gorgeous by comparison.
- Fuck me. - No, thank you. It'd be nice
- if you sent me flowers. Bye. - ERIC: How can they print that?
- It's not even true. - ARl: Come on.
Variety is like a high school paper.
They pay their writers 28 grand a year
to find out something to write about the popular kids.
What are we gonna do, Ari? This is a big problem.
First of all, there is no "we" in "I."
I am already on it. I called Dana Gordon.
You spend a lot of time waiting to be called back.
You know what? I got her her job, so she will call me back.
- What should I tell Vince? - Until we confirm that Leo
is actually doing this movie, nothing has changed.
We heard this from a fucking club promoter named Chucky.
Until we find this out from someone who works in this business,
- Vince is still Aquaman. - You're still Vince's agent.
Keep checking with me to confirm that.
Yo, E, this is Vince's first cover. Good job, baby.
E, you're en fuego. I may want you to start managing me soon.
Why haven't you asked to manage me yet?
He's waiting for your new legs to come in, Drama.
Speaking of which, you gonna give me cash or Vincent's black card,
'cause there's a couple more things I might need.
What do you want to do now, get your ears pinned back?
We need a new set of kitchen knives, dickface. These blades are for shit.
You know Vince likes his tomatoes sliced paper thin.
Oh, and, E, Carrie Carlson called.
See that rug in the living room? She's gonna need 50K for that.
I'll need a grand for a steam cleaner 'cause Arnold had a little problem.
We might want to consider a permanently installed wok. Very versatile.
Guys, look, there's something important we need to talk about.
- VINCE: Yo, yo! - Hey, guys.
- Hey to you, neighbor. - What happened to Cindy last night?
We're hanging out, having a good time. She just broke out.
Don't worry, Turtle, I'll find you a girl.
- You promise? - I promise.
I'm gonna grab my stuff.
Be right back.
Hey, Vince, E's got something really important to talk about.
What's up?
Nothing. I just...
(DOORBELL BUZZES)
- Hello. - MAN: Delivery.
Hey, welcome to the neighborhood.
- Hey, Bob Saget. - There he is.
Aquaman himself. How you doing?
Been reading about you all morning, man. I live right next door.
I'm a big fan, Vince, so are my daughters.
But do me a favor, don't fuck 'em. Don't you fuck my daughters.
- I'm just fucking with you. - Hey, Bob.
- Staci, how you doing? - Good.
Is that cute little filly Michelle in town?
No, she's modeling in Dubai. She'll be back on Saturday.
- Make sure she calls me, will you? - I will.
I just got divorced.
Ex-wife got the house in the Palisades.
No biggie. I got four other houses. I don't give a shit. (CHUCKLES)
Well, I gotta go. See ya.
- Bye. Good to see you. - Bye.
- Bye-bye. - BOB: Look at that gait.
Who do you think is more recognizable, you or me? Seriously.
Uh...
Anyway, I've taken up enough of you guys' time.
Have fun. Enjoy the muffins, handmade. Anybody an Xbox guy?
All right, I'm right next door. Good to see you.
Welcome to the neighborhood, man. Congrats.
All right.
- Hey, Bob, see ya. - See ya, man, take it easy.
- Bye, dude. Take care. - All right.
- Be good. - You too.
Who the fuck was that guy?
All I'm saying, Vince, is we should have a house rule,
either we all get laid or nobody gets laid.
That way you know you'll always have a ride home for your girl.
Staci doesn't need a ride. She's three houses down.
Turtle's the one looking for a ride.
I live three doors down from the cast of America's Next Top Model,
and I ain't getting laid? That's the worst cold streak ever.
Turtle, a cold streak implies that you were once hot.
Go easy on him, E. Come on.
Even ARod goes on a bad run sometimes.
Yeah, but even when ARod's slumping, he's still getting pussy.
TURTLE: Keep fucking laughing, E. You give me the manager title,
- I'll be overflowing in it. - Walsh!
There he is, Mr. Studio Feature.
Hey, I thought we were indie guys.
Suits got you headed for superstardom, huh?
I'm just fucking around. Cameron's great.
But listen, I'm writing something for you.
- You'd better be available. - Anything for you. You know that.
You hear that, suit? That's an oral agreement. Don't fuck me.
All right, who's ready to loop?
I am.
Nah, Johnny, your sound is clean.
This is Vince's day, okay?
See, I project a lot better than you, bro. Sorry.
Hey, Turtle, you wanna do a little lap around here?
- Yeah. - See you guys later.
- See ya. - So can we see a little footage?
Through the glass. No one sits in on my sessions.
See now these countertops are nice,
but these cabinets are for shit. Who would do that?
Look, I'm gonna let you have this one.
Don't worry about it. Just focus, keep your eye on the ball, all right?
- All right. - Look alive out there.
Hey, honey, how you doin'?
Enough's enough, man.
- Who are you calling? - Lorraine, my sure thing.
She can't spell "no."
I'm gonna put an end to the streak right now.
Stick it in the mailbox once I'm gone.
Let the cops chase after a dead man.
But he was your brother.
Half-brother.
Take care of yourself.
Hey, you ever coming back?
You kidding? I am Queens Boulevard.
This shit looks amazing.
- This gonna be a good movie. - Yeah, it looks real good.
Hey, you ever coming back?
You kidding?
I am Queens Boulevard.
- Listen, guys, we have a major problem. - Don't worry about Turtle.
Johnny Drama's got one of his sure things on the way.
He's not talking about me, asshole.
The guy's been stressed out about shit all day.
What's the problem, E?
All right, this is serious. You can't tell Vince.
- What is it? - We have no money.
- Yeah, right. - Come on, E, what do you mean?
Vince spent every last dollar he had on that house down payment.
We have no other money. The bills keep piling up.
- We gotta shut down the spending. - E, would you relax?
We got that big fat check from Aquaman coming any day now.
No, it's not. They pulled the offer.
You kidding?
I am Queens Boulevard.
Bam!
That is why you're a movie star.
I got Dana Gordon's assistant on the phone.
What the fuck are you wearing?
I'm trying out new looks.
This one's my Andre 3000. You like?
No, I don't. You look like Michelle Kwan in drag.
Do a triple fucking axel over to the phone and try Cameron again.
- Where is she, Amanda? - This is Jan. Amanda was fired.
- Jan, where is she? - I'm sorry. I haven't seen her all day.
- You new in town? - I've been here a month.
Okay, you probably don't know me. You will.
Pass this message along to Dana.
Tell her I still have the pictures from Cancun. Tell her I'm gonna start a website.
I'm gonna take a full-page ad in The LA Times advertising it.
It will be called "I'm a Hollywood Executive Whore dot-com,"
and no password or fee will be required.
Tell her I want a fucking callback.
E, when can I sit down with James Cameron?
Ari's waiting for a call.
Wow. Even Ari can't get Cameron on the phone.
Yo, Vince, James Cameron ain't that great.
What are you talking about? You saw Terminator a hundred times.
I watched it for Linda Hamilton.
Plus he likes to see the governor naked at the beginning.
- Anthony. - E. What's going on, players?
- What's going on? - Nothing like what you got going on.
Listen, Vince, if they're looking for a little color for that film,
I'd be a great fish. Prepare 'em to pay my quote, though.
- I'll do what I can. - Hey, do more than that.
Remember who got your brother that part in Barbershop.
- They cut me out. - You got paid, Drama,
so shut the fuck up, you ungrateful bitch.
Jesus! All right, take care, Vince, man.
VINCE: See ya, buddy.
- ANTHONY: Yeah. - Hey, Vince.
I got a table for you guys right out here.
So how you been? You been busy, Jamie?
Yeah, I've been real good actually.
- Here you go. - TURTLE: Thanks.
- Why don't you join us? - Because I'm working, Turtle.
Damn.
Ice cold.
Don't you worry, Turtle. Lorraine is on her way.
- James Cameron's office. - Hi, who am I speaking with?
This is James' assistant Emily.
Hey, Emily, this is Ari Gold. Do you know me?
Yeah, Ari, it's Emily.
You're joking, right, Ari?
Emily! I totally forgot that you work over there.
- How are you? - I am good, Ari.
- I'm amazing. You miss me? - Like I miss head lice.
Uh-oh.
Did we end badly?
You were supposed to write me a reference letter.
I can write another one if you're unhappy.
- How do I get James on the phone? - Wait for him to call you back.
'Cause I totally gave him all nine messages.
Uh...
Listen, Emily, honey, what do you know about Aquaman?
That he fights crime underwater.
Bye, Ari. (HANGS UP)
You know, Johnny, I know last night I said I was in,
but new calves?
Come on, man. I can't let you do it.
It's ridiculous.
You know what, Vince? You're right. I'm gonna put the calves on hold.
Really? Just like that?
Yeah, you made a good argument.
And Vince, I was thinking, that 70-inch plasma you got me,
it's a little too big for my room.
If you don't mind, I'd like to switch to a 50.
Or maybe a 30.
Maybe I don't even need a TV in my room at all.
I'm jerking off way too much as it is anyway.
Oh. Here's Lorraine.
Damn, she's hot for a sure thing, Drama.
Relax. Let me take care of this.
Turtle, sit up straight.
- Take your hat off, Turtle. - Guys, don't mother me, okay?
There's the guy I was telling you about, in green, Turtle.
Give her a wave.
No, no, don't wave. Give the nod.
Yeah. What?
Wait, baby, hold on. He's a nice guy.
(SIGHS)
- Don't sweat it, Turtle. - You did the wave-nod, bro.
She could smell your desperation from the doorway.
What were you thinking? That was a lay-up.
- (CELL RINGING) - VINCE: That's Staci.
Hello.
Hey, when are you coming home?
Pretty soon. We're just finishing up lunch.
You and the boys should come by. I've got a bunch of friends
- hanging out by the pool. - Really?
Is that girl Turtle was talking to last night there?
- She's here. - All right. We'll see you soon.
- Bye. - Bye.
- Jamie, can we get a check? - Yeah.
She's there. She thinks you're cute.
She saw you at night, so don't be upset
when you get there and she's not so excited.
Please, Drama. All I need is a little Vince magic,
- put me right back on track. - Thanks, Vince.
- TURTLE: I got that. - I got it. I got it.
All right, what the fuck is going on?
You guys haven't paid for anything since '95. Come on.
I don't even believe you have money in your pockets.
I got your Visa card, Vince.
He doesn't want calves. He doesn't want a new plasma.
All right.
Come on, 'fess up. What, am I getting Punk'd?
- Ask E. - Ask E.
How could you not tell me this?
I'm waiting to hear from Ari about what's going on.
Don't hide things from me. You're supposed to be my best friend.
I'm your manager now. I'm trying to do what's right.
I'm walking around town like a total jerkoff.
I mean, people are congratulating me.
It's totally humiliating. And we bought the house!
What did Ari say?
Here's the good news. I spoke to Leo's agent.
He's a friend. He's out.
Leo is booked until '09, and beside that,
since Titanic he won't go anywhere near the water.
- And this is good news? - I'm trying, Vinnie.
Yeah, well, try harder, Ari.
You too, Eric. You're right, you're not my friend on this.
You're my manager.
You sit around waiting for other people to call you back.
You sit around waiting for him to call you back.
Go somewhere and do something.
Don't tell me that it's good news that a movie I didn't want to do
that you talked me into is still possibly mine.
Now that James Cameron is doing this movie, I want it, all right? Badly.
So get up off your asses
and accomplish something, or I will find people who can.
You can find your own way home, too.
We gotta get Cameron to see Queens Boulevard.
You haven't even seen it yet!
I saw the scenes Vince looped today. They looked amazing.
So you want me to get the biggest director in the game
to see some low-budget indie flick that you think is amazing
based on some out-of-context scenes from a looping stage.
What do you suggest?
I suggest that we get the two of them in a room together. Boom.
How you gonna do that, Ari? You can't even get anyone to call you back.
- I'm gonna call Emily. - She doesn't care for us, Eric.
Yeah, well, there's no "us" in "me," Ari.
Yo, fuck Aquaman, Vince.
There's plenty other superheroes out there.
- Yo, you'd make a great Green Lantern. - Thanks, Turtle.
Vince, guys, come on in.
Oh, God is shining down on me today.
DRAMA: Turtle, if you can't get laid here, turn your dick in.
Come on, I'll introduce you guys to the girls.
I'm gonna find the loo.
- Right there. - Yo, Aquaman.
What do you say you and I dive into the pool, see who can hold our breath the longest?
I'll bet you a million dollars I win.
You don't have that kind of money yet, do you? I do.
Vince, wait, I gotta tell you something. Hold on, baby.
I'll be right back. Vince...
You are my idol. Seriously.
Staci, she's a fucking thoroughbred.
I've been trying to close her for years.
I offered her 100 grand once for one night at the Four Seasons Maui.
You know what she did? She smacked me in the face.
You are a stallion, man.
It's not every day somebody scores the madam.
Madam?
- Oh, no, come on. - I can't believe you didn't know that.
You gotta be kidding me. You're not kidding me?
I got a house account here. Here and Nate 'n Al's.
Just those two places, man.
Oh, Vince, baby.
Listen to me, don't sweat it.
Staci is one piece of pussy that has no price.
Dude.
Eric Murphy.
Why am I not surprised?
I don't know. I was kind of hoping you would be.
Oh, well, I expected you days ago.
Yeah.
Did you quit smoking yet?
- Four months. Mmm-hmm. - Really?
Nice. Me, too.
- Really? Wow. - Yeah.
You wanna grab a cup of coffee or something?
Well, I guess you probably can't leave here, right?
James is not like Ari.
I can do what I want.
James. You call him James?
(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)
ARl: The string painting she did, I'm getting it framed.
- You know that, right? - MELISSA: She's very talented.
- She does beautiful work. - Ari,
I think it's nice that you're finally taking an interest in the family.
Come on, why are you making such a big deal of this?
I'm not some absentee dad.
- Come on. - Ari.
- ARl: Hey, baby. - There's your dad.
There she is.
- Hey, sweetie. - There's my girl.
Hey, how are you? Dana Gordon!
I'll be right back.
- You are an animal, Ari. - Total surprise. Give me one second.
Amazing you're still showing up at school like this.
Won't let the nanny do it? Whatever they're paying you, it's not enough.
What are you doing here? It's not a good time.
Okay, fine. When is a good time? Tonight at your house?
- Invite your husband, have a slideshow. - You're out of your mind.
I have never been jerked around like this before, Dana, never.
And I will not tolerate it from some glorified D-girl.
Do not fucking talk to me like that, Ari. My job is on the line.
You don't think I want Vince? I want Vince, Alan wants Vince.
What about Mr. Cameron? Does he want Vince?
He doesn't know who Vince is.
Jesus!
- Look, we're working on that. - Okay, listen.
Let's get the two of them in a room together.
Anywhere on this planet. I will pay for it if I have to.
Vinnie will take care of the rest, all right?
- Fine. - All right.
ARl: Baby, what are you...
Can I get a ride?
I flew in this stuff from Colombia on my own private jet.
Sandinistas don't know shit about overthrowing a government,
but I'll tell you, they sure do grow some fine herb.
- It's really nice, Bob. - Bob, I don't know if you remember,
but I did an ep of Full House in '94.
I played Stamos's tough-guy nephew.
Really? I don't remember that.
Don't take it personally, Johnny.
I was so whacked out on Vikes and Halcion
during the '90s, I don't remember shit.
I'm clean now though, right?
(CHUCKLING)
- I remember that part. You were great. - Really?
Hey, Misty, why don't you show me your room, baby?
Come on, I got some stuff I want you to see.
Got some Courvoisier.
Did you just get cock-blocked by Bob Saget?
- Hi there. - STACl: Are you mad?
No, I'm just a little shocked.
Why?
I don't know. I mean, do I, like, owe you money now?
Don't be an asshole, Vince. I'm not a hooker.
Good, because I've never paid for sex.
And I'm not looking to start,
although you'd be worth every penny.
I should pay you.
Oh, my God,
look at my poor boys.
It's gonna be like telling them there's no Santa Claus.
Vince, I feel awful about deceiving you guys.
So I'm gonna pay for Turtle and Drama to have a good time today
- out of my own pocket. - No, I can't let you do that.
- How much is it? - My girls usually get
between $5,000 and $7,000 for the full pampering package.
Wow.
You know, money's a little tight right now.
Can I finance this?
Sure.
Right here.
(ANNOUNCER CHATTERING ON TV)
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
- What are you guys so happy about? - Skyrockets in flight, E.
- He had a little afternoon delight. - What, the neighbor's house?
I met this girl Jeanette. Couldn't lose this girl in a maze, she loved me.
DRAMA: Yeah, mine too. She took me up into her bedroom
and performed like it was strictly business.
- I'm back, baby, I'm back. - Yeah, baby.
Hey, thanks, bro. Look, I know these girls are pros,
but don't tell Turtle. It'll break his heart.
Yo, Vince, way to hook it up.
I know those girls were hookers, but don't tell John.
His streak's like five times as long as mine.
- So, E, what do you got? - I got something.
- It's not perfect, but it's something. - Would you just say it?
James Cameron is gonna screen Queens Boulevard.
- Yes! - You talked to James Cameron?
- Emily did actually, yeah. - You're gonna start up with her again?
We'll start as friends and see.
Friends are girls you just haven't fucked yet. You know that.
Thanks for the wisdom. I'm gonna go see Walsh. Anybody wanna come?
- Nope. - No.
- (CELL PHONE RINGS) - Hey.
Real sorry to bother you, Eric,
but can you explain why my meeting's canceled?
- What meeting, Ari? - Vince's meeting with James Cameron.
They said that he will not take the meeting
until after he sees Queens Boulevard.
Can you fucking explain that to me, Eric?
I didn't think you could get the meeting.
Emily didn't think so either. Don't worry about it.
- Cameron'll love it. - He better.
Because you know what? It's all on you now, Eric.
- Billy! - Suit, what's the word?
Got great news. Before they finalize Vince's deal,
James Cameron wants to screen Queens Boulevard.
- You serious? - Believe that shit?
James Cameron is gonna see your movie.
- He's coming to Sundance? - No, we're gonna send a print
- to his house. - Fuck that.
Hey, neighbor. Hi, Billy.
We have to make this quick. I have a 9:00.
Billy, look, this is important, man.
Look, suit, nobody sees my film till Sundance.
James Cameron wants to see it, tell him he can stand in line
in the snow like everybody else.
Excuse me. I only have an hour to take care of business.
- Shall we? - Billy, listen...
I think I made myself clear.
Can I have a shot of Jack?