(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
- Is it a beautiful day or what? - That's a good one, Drama.
You aren't seriously gonna wear that flag, are you?
When Pavarotti plays the El Rey, you can wear the Italian flag.
When my Irish brethren come to town,
I wear this.
Hey, Johnny, you know U2 was the first concert you ever took me to.
Joshua Tree tour, he snuck me out of a window.
- I was seven. - Yeah, that's right.
- Excuse me. - I got pulled over on the L.I.E.
I thought we were gonna miss the show.
You were driving when Vince was seven?
How fucking old are you, Drama?
31. Get off my ass.
31, Drama? Yeah, in dog years maybe.
Hey, guys, come on. It's his birthday. Leave him alone.
- Give me a second with E. - I hate it when you guys do that.
(SHOUTS) U2 rules!
(CROWD CHEERING)
I've been thinking about this Mandy thing all night.
Forget it. I want her to do the movie.
Now you want her to do it? What happened at dinner last night?
Nothing. It was just weird to see her, that's all.
- It's gonna be good though. - You sure?
Yeah, I'm sure. Don't even mention it to Ari.
- Okay. - You already mentioned it to him.
I might have sent him a panicked e-mail at 4:00 A.M.
I can't get Mandy Moore off this movie.
How are the seats, Ari? 'Cause I need to be able to see Bono.
- You know what I mean? - Ari, it's fine.
I was being an asshole yesterday. I have no bad feelings for her.
In fact, I have no feelings at all.
Excellent! Boom! Let's make a movie.
Yeah, let's.
So how are those seats?
They're nosebleeds. Just like you like them, right?
"Floor level or bust." That's my motto.
I thought it was, "Will act for food."
Before this thing starts let's get down to a little business.
Vinnie, the studio wants to see you in San Diego.
- What's in San Diego? - Shamu.
- Comic-Con. - Comic-Con?
Ain't that that comic book geek-fest you go to every year?
That's no geek-fest. That's my bread and butter.
I make $1,800 a day selling autties.
You sell German cars there?
Autographs, dickbag! I've been begging you guys to come for years.
We've been laughing in your face for years
because we don't like comic book geeks.
You better start if you want to live off Aquaman for the next 50 years.
The studio wants to introduce Aquaman there.
They think these geeks can make or break a movie
- a year before it opens. - I don't really wanna go.
They don't pay you to act. They pay you to promote.
Cameron would be there himself
if he wasn't overseeing the construction of the water tank.
- He's not going? - No. It's just you and Aquagirl.
You're gonna make a big splash.
- Mandy's going? - Yes!
What the hell?
We'll make a weekend out of it.
I thought you had no feelings for this girl.
I don't. I'm going for Johnny.
- Sure you are. - Comic-Con and U2!
That's a big birthday, huh, Johnny Drama?
Not bad, Ari, not bad. Now where are those seats?
Right here. Take a look at that!
(CHUCKLES) Very funny.
Clippers' tickets for Thursday night.
- Stop fucking around, Ari. - Are you serious?
You've got to be shitting me!
You're kidding, right?
Jesus Christ. Ari Gold.
You just got demoted to silver.
(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
I will never forgive Ari for this. Never.
Would you let it go already, Drama?
I would've bought the tickets myself if he hadn't promised them.
Drama, we could've gone. You just refused to scalp.
We could've had great seats for 200 a pop.
Scalping raises ticket prices so the average fan can't afford them.
U2 stands up for the common man and so do I.
You are the common man, Drama.
More like an uncommon loser.
- Hey, Robbie. - Welcome back, Mr. Chase.
- How are you, pal? - Mr. Chase?
I'll handle this myself.
- ROBBIE: As always. - This place is horrifying.
- What are you talking about? - There's my superhero!
Hey, Shauna. You spinning a little story
how the Chase brothers are conquering Comic-Con?
No, I'm gonna spin a story that you really aren't Vince's brother.
Johnny! Johnny Chase!
- How are you? - Vanessa!
At Comic-Con, Shauna, I think I'm Johnny's brother.
Yeah, how're you doing?
- How have you been? - You look great.
- Are you here for the signing? - Yeah!
Great. What time are you at your booth?
Well, every year I do night signings from 7:00 to 9:00.
Oh, great. I'm 6:00 to 8:00, so we'll overlap.
- I'll see you then. We'll catch up. - Definitely.
- It's good to see you. - All right, I'll see you later.
- Drama. - That's a beautiful woman.
- Nice. - I hate that bitch.
Vanessa Angel. She did three eps of Viking Quest
and then they just gave her this shitbag spin off.
She's been riding the Viking Quest wave for a decade.
- So have you. - Didn't Angel Quest
run five times longer than Viking Quest?
Yeah, but only 'cause she showed her tits in Playboy.
Either way, Johnny, I think the Angel likes you.
Yeah, she's beautiful too, Drama.
Well, not in my eyes she's not.
Okay, Vincent, back to real world issues.
You've got the R.J. Spencer interview at 2:00 P.M.
He thinks he's Mike Wallace, so he may throw you a hardball or two.
Yeah, Vince, just take a deep breath and answer.
I might get some tough questions this weekend also.
Like whether you're still in the business?
Do you even know who R.J. Spencer is?
Yeah, he's the guy that said the best thing about Head On was my hair.
(CHUCKLES) That's 'cause you wouldn't talk to him in Paris.
The guy just wants access. You be nice, he'll be nice.
I'm gonna tell him he's a fat comic book-loving prick.
This guy's got a website that gets a million hits a day.
He can sink a movie faster than Stephen Dorff.
Hey, watch it, asshole! That's my client!
Just look at the guy like a prom date. You buy him a corsage,
- he'll at least give you a handjob. - Who wants a handjob?
Would you shut up, already, you and you?
- He'll be nice. Don't worry about that. - Good.
Here's information on Aquaman in case you don't know anything about it.
Oh, yeah, he's a strong swimmer, right?
Vince. Mandy, three o'clock.
DRAMA: Bro, don't even look at her.
- Just freeze her out. - No, Vince, lock eyes with her.
- Don't break. Alpha male. - Will you idiots shut up?
He's trying to make a movie with her, not trying to bang her.
You looked!
I'll be right back.
Yo, eye of the tiger, Vin.
Hi!
- Hey. Hello. - How are you?
Vince, this is my fiancé Chris.
- Hello. Nice to meet you. - CHRIS: Hi.
Yeah, you, as well. This is pretty exciting stuff, huh?
I know, very exciting.
It should be a big announcement.
Maybe we could all grab a drink later?
- Sure. - Yeah, maybe.
- It's nice to meet you. - Nice meeting you.
- VINCE: See you later. - (WHISPERS)
MANDY: Vince! Vince!
Would you like to come to dinner with us?
- Us? - Chris and I.
It would really mean a lot to me if you guys got along.
I'm sorry, I just...
- I need you guys to get along. - Yeah, of course.
- Okay? - Sure. Bye.
- I'll see you later then. - Okay.
TURTLE: Who the fuck cares what she needs?
I've done at least a dozen movies with women who couldn't stand me.
But it's never affected the work.
They need to be friends if they're going to spend the next nine months together.
Vince needs to make her fall back in love with him
and then crush her like she crushed him. Payback time!
No, what Vince needs to do is never talk to her
except during work.
And even then, only during takes.
Guys, you need to stop filling his head with this shit.
What, do you think I listen to them?
- DRAMA: What, you don't? - WOMAN: Johnny Chase?
Hey, Jess, how you doin', baby?
Good. How are you?
- Good. - Good.
This is my brother Vince. And these are the other guys.
It's a pleasure to meet you, Jess.
Oh, it's nice to meet you too.
These are my girls, Devon and Teagan.
- Hey. - How're you doin'?
So what brings you to Dork-a-palooza?
Well, I'm doing my Viking Quest thing
and Vince is here to promote Aquaman. What are you doing in town?
Promoting my new comic book, Pussy Patrol.
Nice. (CHUCKLES)
It's me and the girls.
We lick ass by day and kick ass by night.
- DRAMA: Sweet. - You should come by the booth.
Yeah, as long as we get there by nightfall.
Cool. So I'll see you there?
- Yeah, definitely. - Bye, Vince.
- Bye, girls. - DEVON: Bye-bye.
How the fuck do you know Jesse Jane?
You know how much Lubriderm I burned through on that broad?
- Johnny, did you ever get with her? - No, I wish.
Please tell me you've never been in a porno.
No, we used to be in a scene study class at Howard Fine Studio.
- She's got great timing. - We're gonna go to this meeting.
- What're you guys gonna do? - Every year I like to take a day
and soak in some sun. It always freaks people out
at my booth when Tarvold is tan.
It freaks me out that people actually go to your booth.
(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
All right, well, thanks for taking the time to sit down with me, Vince.
Oh, no, R.J., my pleasure.
Hey, I felt awful when I missed you in Paris.
Yeah, I thought you were blowing me off.
Not at all. I tried the cell phone you gave me 10 times.
You know how these international phones are.
So, Vince, have you always been a fan of Aquaman?
Oh, yeah. Since I was a kid.
But I have to say it really took hold for me
when Fradon started doing the illustrations.
It think it took a woman's point of view
to really capture Aquaman's sensitivities.
Yes.
- He's good. - The best.
Here, bro.
- Anyone looking at me? - No.
Keep watching. Someone will.
MALE FAN: Tarvold?
- Tarvold? - It's on.
- Yes? - Can we get a picture with you?
My booth opens at 6:00 P.M.
Autographs $10, pictures $20.
I have a flight at 5:00.
Maybe next year, son.
I need my rest before game time.
Come on. You're my favorite Viking Quest character.
- I even bought my own helmet. - Oh, yeah?
Let me see that thing.
Oh, she's a beaut.
No horns.
You know, it was only a myth that Viking helmets had horns on them.
- One picture, please. - 40 bucks for the exclusive.
- Done. - Nah, I'll do it for nothing.
'Cause you guys are real fans.
Can I get one Viking call?
Come on, we're in civilian waters here.
Please.
All right, I'll do one.
(BELLOWS) Victory!
Yes! Awesome! Sweet, man!
Come on, let's get this over with.
Hey, Johnny, you should put on sunblock. You're getting a little red.
Thanks.
Is that the Angel?
Sorry, Tarvold. Vanessa! Vanessa Angel!
Hey.
So tell me about your co-star Mandy Moore.
Oh, she's great. I'm very excited to work with her.
Again, don't you mean?
Yeah, I did a small part in A Walk to Remember.
Yeah. You guys were pretty serious there for a while, right?
Serious?
- Oh, Jesus. - Remain calm.
Dating-wise?
Well, we went out a couple times.
I wouldn't call it serious. But we're great friends now.
I mean, you did ask her to marry you
after five weeks, so...
And she said no.
Okay, interview's over.
- Why? - 'Cause you're an asshole, that's why.
Jesus Christ! Vincent!
What the fuck was that, R. J?
What, Shauna? I'm a journalist! I'm asking questions!
That little comment just cost you your opening weekend!
Aqua-fag!
- You asked her to marry you? - Yeah, so what?
I'm your best friend since we were six-years-old. I never heard this.
I'm like your West Coast mother.
- I can't believe you didn't tell me. - I never told anyone.
- I'm not anyone. - What do you want to hear?
That I got humiliated? That I curled up into a little ball
- like you usually do? - Oh, hey, fuck you!
I don't have to take that shit from some jerkoffjust 'cause he has a PC!
Yes, you do! That's why they pay you what they do!
That's why I didn't want this girl in this movie, 'cause she'd fuck up
- your professional judgment! - This wasn't professional,
- this was personal. - This is not good.
- We've got to fix this. - Get out your toolbox and fix it!
You should go out with the Angel, I'm telling you!
Please, you know I don't like classically beautiful women.
Give me a nice nose break or a lazy eye.
You're insane.
Enough about the Angel. Here.
- Test me again. - Come on, you're ruining my weekend.
Come on, these fans will tear me apart if I don't know this shit.
Pass me the baby oil.
Maybe you should put on a little sunblock.
- Test! Test! - All right, fine.
Who is your mortal enemy?
Thorfinn Skullsplitter. Next.
What's the name of Tarvold's ship?
The Gokstad! Jesus, Turtle, challenge me a little.
Okay.
Where was Tarvold born?
Northumbria.
(MIMICS BUZZER)
- It was Orkney. - Bullshit!
- Let me see that thing. - You forced me into doing this,
and now you're calling me a liar. Fine, take it!
Okay, I believe you.
Orkney, huh?
Huh. Orkney?
- R. J: Who is it? - Hi, it's Eric Murphy.
- Vincent Chase's manager. - It's too late.
My voice will be heard around the world tomorrow morning.
Well, Vince would like to apologize.
- I don't see Vince. - Yeah, he sent me.
Well, that figures. Fucking coward.
Hey, maybe that'll be my headline,
- "Fucking Coward to Play Aquaman." - You don't think
- Vince would make a good Aquaman? - I did this morning.
You don't feel like you have a responsibility to tell the truth?
Eric, I started this site out of my parents' basement
for two reasons, to get laid and make a little money.
Neither of which are coming to fruition.
No, my report goes out on the web
tomorrow morning, and it's followed by another one
every week until the movie opens.
I have one goal in my life right now,
drown Aquaman.
(SIGHS)
I'm not apologizing. I don't wanna talk about it anymore.
I'm telling you, this guy's looking for a little love.
- It'll turn this whole thing around. - So give him a little love.
I've got nothing,
except Shiry Robbins can be here at 10:00.
- VINCE: Who's she? - Maxim girl. Great ass!
- 10:00 P.M. - Vincent, we're in San Diego, okay?
Finding you a girl with a Q rating isn't that easy.
What is this?
Vince has got me working the phones trying to find him a dinner date.
- I don't wanna go alone. - Vincent, not for nothing,
but what I should be doing is dealing with this Spencer situation
before the studio does.
I got an idea. I can call one of my Cartier contacts
and see if I can get him a watch or something.
- Why, can you buy this guy? - Well, rumor has it
they flew him out to L.A., first class,
put him up for a week at the Scientology Center,
and he gave Swordfish four stars.
Yo, I've been searching all over this place for a dinner date for you.
The concierge is kind of hot, but she's wearing Spock ears.
(SIGHS) No, I can't go with a Trekkie.
- Why can't you go to the dinner alone? - Because I'm uncomfortable.
Because I haven't had a real relationship since Mandy.
And I don't want to get into it while she's holding hands with her fiancé.
- Melting down. - Yo, you guys, what do you think?
- Home or away? - Oh, my God!
- Jesus, look at your face. - What are you talking about?
- It's perfectly even. - Johnny, you're burnt to a crisp.
Naw, in another hour that'll turn to a nice maple-syrupy brown.
Another hour and your fucking nose is gonna fall off.
- Get dressed. - Why?
I told you I don't wanna go alone.
You want me to go as your date?
All right, on second thought, I'll go alone.
You just figure out what to do about this Spencer guy.
(ROCK THE CASBAH PLAYING)
Yo!
- What's up, Drama? - How's it hanging?
- All right. Victory! - Victory!
Yo, Bobby!
What's up, chief? Another year, baby.
Hey, Johnny.
How great is this? Our booths are never this close.
Now we can talk.
I'm gonna go look for Spencer.
I'm gonna go with you. Your fans, they spook me.
Ah, Mr. Chase, welcome to the restaurant.
- I'm Craig, your host. - Hello, Craig. I'm here to meet with...
Of course. Ms. Mandy and Mr. Chris, right?
- Yes. - They are waiting for you.
- Right this way. - Thank you.
(PIANO PLAYING)
Thanks for coming, buddy.
Next!
Where was Tarvold born?
How was the concert?
Amazing.
Yeah, I hear it wasn't their best.
I've been to every tour.
They all kick ass, equally.
Great.
- Now where was Tarvold born? - That's easy, Orkney.
No, it's Northumbria.
Fucking Turtle.
(APPLAUSE)
I was originally from the galaxy of Salvan,
but that was before my rebirth.
How could you not know where you were born?
(APPLAUSE CONTINUES)
Angel, excuse me...
I'd like to have a word with you, please.
- Could it wait like half an hour? - No, it can't.
Okay, Johnny. I'll be back in five minutes.
(CROWD GROANS)
I told you to put on block.
Forget about my tan.
What you're doing here is disgusting.
- What? - You're selling sex.
- I mean, look at this outfit. - Why do you hate me?
I don't hate you.
You always have. Ever since that first day on Viking Quest,
- you've been so mean to me. - No, I...
And I had the biggest crush on you.
- You did? - Yes!
Oh, my God. I had the biggest crush on you.
That's why I was mean to you.
I was rejecting you before you could reject me.
I wish you would've told me back then.
- Well, I'm telling you now. - But...
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
Victory!
CROWD: Victory!
(CHEERING)
R. J: So you started with the comic book, then the porn?
No, I did porn, then I decided to go on with the comic book.
Oh, smart move, very smart.
So tell me more about Pussy Patrol.
Well, we're a gang-banging gang of working girls who kick criminal ass.
(CHUCKLES) Speaking of kicking their ass,
what do you do with the naughty boys?
You know, naughty boys that do naughty things?
What up, Jesse?
Hey, it's Vince's guys. You know R.J.
Yeah, we know each other.
If you don't mind when you're finished if I can get a minute.
- Your minute starts right now. - All right, I really want to fix this.
I was thinking, we go into production, you should come out.
All expenses paid, watch Cameron work, hang out on the set.
You want a PlayStation portable, I got the hook up.
I can get you two dozen of them.
I want $350,000 in a duffel bag.
(CHUCKLES)
- You're kidding me, right? - No, I'm not kidding.
And until that gets delivered, the article stands.
And you know why? 'Cause I don't like your friend.
You're really starting to piss me off.
Oh, wow. (CHUCKLES)
What are you gonna do? I had Oliver Stone come after me with a hatchet
after I smashed Alexander, okay?
- You don't scare me. - Yeah? Do I scare you?
'Cause I'll slap you in your fucking head.
Come on, let me hit him once. I won't break nothing.
- ERIC: Let it go, Turtle. - What the fuck is his problem?
He hates Vince. He's gonna trash him on his web site
and say he's gonna make a shitty Aquaman.
Why? Vince would make an adorable Aquaman.
Yeah, you should tell him that.
Yeah, sweetie, you should.
Aquaman's in trouble.
The fate of Atlantis and all of mankind lies in your hands.
It's time to unleash the power of the pussy.
Don't bullshit me, tough guy.
If I do it, I'll do it because I like Vince.
Yo!
I just made $3,800, bro.
Are you gonna see her again?
Are you kidding? We're flying together at Comic-Con Phoenix.
What happened at dinner?
- I blew it off. - Good job, Vince.
Freeze her out, like I told you to do.
Aw, Vince, you should've gone and ordered her food for her.
That would've put a wedge in between her and her fiancé.
What do you mean you blew it off?
We just have to work together. No need to blur the lines.
More importantly, what happened with Spencer. Did you take care of that?
- Did you give him love? - It's not my love he's interested in.
(INDIE ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
R. J: Who is it?
JESSE: Pussy Patrol. Open up!
Hey, Jesse, I...
I thought we were gonna to finish the interview down in the Oak Bar.
We're done talking.
- We're here to save Aquaman. - And we brought this.
(WHIMPERS)
Come in.
SHAUNA: That's wonderful.
Okay, great!
That was R.J., Eric. What did you do to him?
- Why, what did he say? - He said, and I quote,
"Vince is going to make the best fucking Aquaman ever!"
That was the quickest 180 I've ever seen in my life.
Let's just say we have mutual friends.
The power of the pussy, baby.
You kiss your grandmother with those fucking lips?
- I thought you said 10:30. - Vince, come on!
I know you well enough to know when you're lying.
There was no reason not to show up.
All right, let's just say hypothetically I am lying,
which I'm not, but if I was, you need me to be friends
with your fiancé, and I need not to be friends with him.
- Why? - Because.
We're not playing games anymore.
Is this going to be a problem for us to work together?
No. I'm just gonna do my work every day.
- Fine, so am I. - Fine. Good.
MC: Live from the Hollywood Room at Comic-Con...
- Okay. - Good.
...here are the stars ofthe upcoming Aquaman,
Vincent Chase and Mandy Moore!
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING)
I hope there's a part in this movie for me.
Oh, yeah. You're gonna play Aqua Velva.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERING CONTINUE)
MAN: Hey, say something!
We look forward to fighting injustice,
righting that which is wrong and serving all of mankind.
Above and below sea level!
MC: Give them a big hand, ladies and gentlemen.
- He's good. - No, he's great.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Hey, what's up, Ari?
Just read R.J. Spencer online. Good work, Eric.
- Put Drama on the phone. - Hold on.
- It's Ari. - Ari?
- For me? - Yeah.
- Fuck that. - Take it!
Yeah, what do you want, birthday-ruiner?
It's 4:00. You've got four hours to get back from San Diego.
- For what? - U2, baby!
You didn't hear? They just added an extra show.
- You got tickets? - Oh, I got tickets. Happy belated.
How are the seats?
Nosebleeds. Just like you like them.
- (GUITAR PLAYING) - Yes!
(CITY OF BLINDING LIGHTS PLAYING)
All right, now.
Hey, Johnny Drama!
(BONO SAYS "HAPPY BIRTHDAY" IN SPANISH)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(BONO COUNTS IN SPANISH)
(VERTIGO PLAYING)