(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
The question you've gotta ask yourself, E,
- is are we family? - Yeah, E, are we family?
What are we if we're not family?
Just four guys who are a little old to still be living together.
Yeah, and one guy who's way too old.
Just share the wealth.
You made $200,000 off Aquaman.
With another $300,000 coming in.
- That is good money. - Meanwhile, me and Turtle,
we're living beneath the poverty line.
In the old country everybody gets a taste off a big score.
- I'm Irish, Turtle. - Well, I'm not.
And this broke Guinea wants to wet his beak a little.
A quarterback takes care of his offensive line after a good season.
You know that, E.
Otherwise, they let him get buried the next year.
I feel like I'm getting buried this year.
You better forget gold and check out something in silver, Drama.
No, bro. Silver doesn't read on my skin.
What does that watch cost? $10,000?
You wish. This is gold, E.
Saigon is gonna love this beast.
- Saigon? - Yeah.
I've got to get something for my client to welcome him to my company.
You think I'm buying a watch for your fucking client?
No, you're paying for a gift for me.
What I chose to do with it after that, that's my business.
- Vince? - Family, E.
Family.
All right, fuck it.
Miss, can you give these guys whatever they want?
Spread it out over all of these.
So much for paying off my student loans.
- I'll be outside. - VINCE: Told you he wasn't cheap.
- (DRAMA LAUGHS) - Had you all wrong, E.
- DRAMA: Yeah, E, you're good people. - What?
I don't have to buy the watches?
No, I'm buying. I just told them that you would have.
Phew. Thank God!
- (CHUCKLES) - ERIC: Thanks.
- Can I wear mine out, bro? - Of course, Johnny.
- Me too? - Yeah.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
It's 7:35 A.M. In Senegal...
That's great, Drama.
...and 7:53 in Tikrit.
Minutes don't change, Drama. Only the hour.
- Yeah, like you've ever been to Tikrit. - Holy shit!
- What? - Look!
DRAMA: Is that Mandy?
You've got to be shitting me.
She's stepping out on baby bro!
Relax! Don't jump to any conclusions.
Maybe they ran into each other in there.
TURTLE: And they just happen to be leaving together?
Yeah, that's what happens at Gucci,
buy a pair of shoes, and they let you fuck your ex-fiancé.
Come on, Turtle, let's trail them!
Come on, come on!
- ERIC: What should I tell Vince? - You're representation. Lie!
Let's go!
Where did they go?
Turtle had to meet with Saigon.
I thought today was gonna be a leisure day.
(PHONES RINGING)
Thank you.
- They started without you. - Ha ha, very funny.
Mr. McQuewick is in there.
What is this? April Fools?
TERRANCE: Never been in better shape.
I think we have more A-list clients now
than we've ever had before.
Ah, Ari. Good of you to join us.
- (CHUCKLES) - When did the rules change, though?
I'm not sure what rule you're referring to,
but I'm sure there have been some slight adjustments
in the three years since you last attended a staff meeting.
Well, nobody's ever been allowed to enter a staff meeting late.
No one.
No exceptions.
Move along, Ari.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
DRAMA: Back off a little. You're too close.
TURTLE: I'm two cars back. What do you want?
Always keep two-fifths of a block between you and your subject.
Oh, what, have you done this before, Drama?
Too many times, Turtle.
Too many times.
I'm thinking about taking a trip to Paris.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I've got a week before shooting starts.
It's six months of hell after that.
- Yeah. - I could use a trip.
I'll tell the boys.
No, not with the boys. With Mandy.
What the fuck are you taking pictures of?
What do you mean? Them.
This way when Vince goes into denial about it,
- it's proof. - You don't think he'll believe us?
Nobody ever wants to believe you're being two-timed, Turtle.
How many times you been cheated on?
Too many, Turtle.
Too many.
Mr. McQuewick's on the phone. He'd like to speak with you.
To apologize? Send him down.
He wants you to come up.
- He won't come down? - He asked me to send you up.
He asked you to send me up.
Did you tell him that you don't send me anywhere?
Did you tell him that no one sends me anywhere in this fucking agency?
Did you tell him that I send myself where I want?
No. I just said okay.
You tell him to come down.
He'd like to speak with you.
You see that, Lloyd? No surrender.
Terrance, how are you?
Ari, get your ass up here!
You embarrassed me in front of my troops.
Rules are rules.
I apologize.
I appreciate that.
- Now, come up! - You come down.
Conference room, neutral territory.
- 1:15. - Done.
VINCE: How about you and Sloan come with us?
- To Paris? - Yeah.
You guys are getting pretty serious, right?
I don't know. You know, maybe.
What if this is it for both of us?
I think it's a little early for that for both of us.
Yeah? Maybe, maybe not.
Anyway, it's never too early to go to Paris.
That's true.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
- Yo! - TURTLE: We followed them all morning.
Great!
Don't worry. They didn't suspect a thing.
I'm dropping Vince off at Mandy's now, guys.
Good! She just arrived home.
- Where are you? - DRAMA: Look to your left.
- Was that our car? - I've gotta go.
It's clear.
(SIGHS) That was close.
Thanks.
Think about Paris.
- VINCE: What's up, baby? - Hey.
- Where were you? - I was just shopping with my mom.
VINCE: Yeah?
- Hey, E! - Hey!
- How's Sloan? - She's great.
- Tell her I said hi, okay? - Yeah, definitely.
Bye.
I mean, she lied right to his face.
Eric, Mandy dated Chris for three years.
That's a long history.
Maybe they were just talking,
and she didn't tell Vince because she didn't want to hurt his feelings.
- You don't know the whole story. - I know what I saw.
- What did you see? - The way they were walking.
What do you mean the way they were walking?
Just their body language. Stop looking at me like that.
- I'm telling you. - Telling me what?
You have some unique skill I don't know about?
Maybe.
Hmm.
What does my body language say?
That we might not be making it out to lunch today.
Eric, listen to me.
My best friend in high school, when I told her
that I thought that her boyfriend was cheating on her,
she never spoke to me again.
Was he?
Mmm-hmm.
Didn't matter.
Still I've got to tell him, though.
- It sucks getting cheated on. - Yeah, it does.
So, let's agree we'll never do that to each other
if we ever get serious.
Oh, okay, if we ever get serious.
Did I totally just freak you out?
No, of course not.
I want to get serious. Come here.
(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Hold on a second.
It's Ari. This could be important.
Hello?
ARl: Let me ask you something.
- You still seeing Sloan? - Yeah. Why?
She ever say anything to you about me?
About you? Why would she say something about you?
I don't mean it like that. I mean, work-wise.
No.
E, you're my friend. You'd tell me if she did.
Ari, I'm at Sloan's. Do you want me to ask her something?
You're with her now? Why the fuck didn't you say so?
No, I don't want you to asking her anything.
I don't want you to say anything about this. Forget this conversation.
Does she already know we're having this conversation?
- ERIC: Ari, what's going on? - Nothing. It's all good.
I'll call you back.
What's going on?
I think Ari and your father are having problems.
All right, let's cut to the chase.
- All right. - I miss this place.
I miss the excitement. I miss the action.
I'm coming back full-time.
Muhammad Ali came back once too often too, Terrance.
(CHUCKLES) Stop, Ari.
This is nothing for you to worry about.
Good. All right then, I want an extension.
Well, you have a year left on your deal.
When it expires, as always,
- you'll be taken care of. - That's not good enough.
I want to know that I'm being taken care of right now.
You know I have a policy never to extend active contracts,
but I've always been fair with you.
You were being fair with me when you said you were leaving.
You coming back now is not fair to me.
Not now!
Now I want something, Terrance.
All right. All right, Ari.
You know, I've never done this before.
This is what I'm prepared to offer you.
No e-mails, no faxes, no phone calls, no nothing.
- Simply silence, Lloyd. - (WHISPERS) Ari.
Silence, Lloyd. It's golden.
- Who's gonna lead this thing? - I told you, I am.
You guys don't even need to be here.
- I'm his brother, E. - Yeah, and I'm his best friend.
- Is that official? - What?
I always thought that me, you and Vince were best friends.
I didn't know that you two were better friends than me and him.
Or that you and him are better friends than me and you.
Whatever, Turtle. You want to tell him, tell him.
No, the guy always kills the messenger,
never kills the best friend of the messenger.
- Yo! - What's up, brother?
All right, what's the emergency?
You see, there's one head right there.
And there's another one right there.
- I don't see anything. - Right there.
If you look straight down you can almost see
that there's two hands that are almost holding.
This thing's really not designed for long-range photography.
Anyway, who is it?
Come on, guys. Who the fuck is it?
It's Mandy and Chris.
We saw them together this morning.
This morning? We were together this morning.
Before that. You were paying for the watches.
Which we didn't get a chance to thank you for, by the way.
Thanks, Vince!
- Where you going? - VINCE: Gonna call her.
(SHOUTS) Lloyd!
Mmm.
(KEYPAD BEEPS)
This envelope contains the names of eight agents.
Anyone catches you, you eat it. Comprende?
Nod if you understand what I'm saying.
I understand.
You can't just fucking nod?
Lloyd...
I want you to
pledge your undying loyalty to me.
- Ari... - Listen, Lloyd, do you want to make it
or do you want to fold shirts at a Chinese laundry?
Now pledge.
- I pledge my undying loyalty to you. - Okay.
Now, I want you to go to each of these agents,
discreetly say the words "tsetse fly."
(SILENT)
(WHISPERS) Say nothing else.
Now, go.
- Ari, are you leaving the agency? - Shh!
Silence is fucking golden.
- It's all good. - How so?
They were just talking. She didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Come on, guys. I get it.
They were gonna get married next week.
Anyway, I'm gonna go the bathroom.
Are you gonna drive me to her house afterwards?
Sure.
Denial, stage one.
We ought to go over to Chris's house and whup his ass.
Yeah.
Guys, remember, Vince took Mandy from Chris.
- He should whup Vince's ass. - Who's side you on?
I'm just saying, what if it was nothing?
They rented movies at Blockbuster.
Maybe they were returning movies they already had.
(SIGHS)
- Is that what you think, E? - No.
- It's not what I think. - Yeah, me neither.
- Come on, Turtle, let's go. - Where?
Go get the proof we need. Come on.
- What are you gonna do? - Don't you worry about it.
VINCE: Where are they going?
Another Saigon meeting.
You know how hard it is to get a rapper to sign a contract.
Those fuckers never say goodbye.
(SOFTLY) Tsetse fly.
(MAN WHISPERS) Tsetse fly.
Hamburger Hamlet, right?
Tsetse fly, Davies. That's all that you're supposed to say.
- Everything else stays the same. - I'm sorry.
- I forgot what it means. - Well, you just said it.
- The Hamlet? - Yes.
Right, the Hamlet. Nobody who works in this business
- would ever be caught dead there. - You know what?
You better lock down some really good clients.
(SIGHS) Look, if you have something to say,
why don't you just say it?
Look, when you guys told me you thought
Kristen was cheating on me, it hurt, but you were right.
Now you're comparing Mandy to Kristen?
No! I'm not even saying she's cheating.
Then what are you saying?
I'm just saying it didn't look like it was over to me.
- What do you mean? They were kissing? - No.
- Were they holding hands? - No.
Then what made it look like it wasn't over?
- I don't know. Instinct. - Whatever.
- You asked me what I was thinking. - Now you told me,
and I don't want to hear about it again, okay?
ERIC: Okay.
You think you got enough cash?
Live and learn. You throw around enough dough,
you can find out anything you want.
What exactly are we trying to find out?
We already know they rented a movie.
Yeah, but what movie?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre might say one thing.
Nine 1/2 Weeks would say something very different.
There is no way I can tell you what movie Mandy Moore rented.
I would get fired.
Are you joking?
There's more where that came from.
I value my job. I cannot be bought.
MAN: Psst!
- You're Vinnie Chase's brother, right? - That's right.
Yeah, I saw you on Celebrity Justice.
You busted up that guy's car with a golf club.
That was on CJ?
- Yeah. - Sweet!
You got anything to tell us?
Break out that money clip again and I just might.
Just tell me what this is about, Ari.
I just want to have a private dinner
with you and Vince as soon as possible.
To discuss what? You're freaking me out!
There's no need to freak out, E.
It's all good. Believe me.
Just think of it as a State of the Union address for all my A-listers.
(LINE BEEPS)
Hold on. Yeah?
Code red, Ari! Code red!
- What are you talking about? - He knows! He knows!
- Who knows what? - Mr. McQuewick.
I think you're the first one to arrive.
Oh, fuck!
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Lloyd, pack up all my files.
Pile everything you see into a box. Everything!
You see a used condom, an executioner's mask,
and a goddamn spiked paddle,
don't think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Ernesto! Keep it up front
and keep it running!
- Ari, I'm sorry. - Don't worry about it.
- Sorry, Ari. - Don't sweat it, Peter.
- It's too bad, Ari. - It's all right, man.
- Sorry, bro. - It's okay. It ain't your fault.
You should be a nicer person.
Maybe then people wouldn't fuck you.
You talked, Davies?
- Hey, Adam. - Yeah, Ari?
Just so you know, your girlfriend,
when she was in the mailroom, she offered to blow me.
True story.
People, we have a traitor in our midst.
Let this be a lesson to all of you.
You're making a very big mistake, Terrance.
That's what Arthur Jensen said in 1973.
He was the first conspirator that I ever dealt with.
Try finding him now, Ari.
He's selling auto insurance in Reseda.
Okay, people, most of you are sitting there
and you're looking at this good-looking old man
and you're wondering, "Who the fuck is he?"
And you know what? That's exactly what you should be doing.
You all know who's been running this company for the past eight years.
And you all know that when I go,
in no time you will be repping nobodys like Bill from The Apprentice.
No one needs to make a decision right now.
I will be starting my own agency.
Two very important goals will apply,
to make everyone who is in
at the ground floor rich, and to burn
this motherfucking place to the ground!
Lloyd, are you with me?
Lloyd, what are you doing?
You and me have a special bond. Come on, let's go.
Ari, swear to me that you will never again say anything
offensive to me about my race or sexual orientation.
I can't swear to that,
but I promise I will always apologize after.
(SOFT CHATTING)
Phone numbers, messages, anything you remember, write it down.
Get Shauna Roberts, have her start
drafting a press release for tomorrow's Variety, all right?
Ernesto!
Where's my fucking car?
LLOYD: I'll get him.
You kidding me?
My phone's dead!
Company phone. I think they had it turned off.
ERNESTO: Hello?
It's Lloyd looking for Mr. Gold's car.
ERNESTO: Sorry, Lloyd, it's a company car. Mr. McQuewick said I can't give it to him.
Can't give it to me?
Ernesto, how many fucking pesos
did I give you for Christmas?
Huh, Ernesto? Every Christmas for the past decade?
Half of Mexico is eating on my tips that I have given you.
Bring my motherfucking car now, por favor!
ERNESTO: Sorry, Mr. Gold, I can't do it.
Oh, and Mr. Gold, I'm from Guatemala,
and our currency is the quetzal.
I'll get my car.
Fuck!
(SCREAMS)
Fuck!
They rented Brian's Song, E.
I heard you. What do you want me to do?
- The ultimate guy-cry movie. - Uh-huh.
He cries in front of her, shows her he's sensitive.
Bang! He moves right in.
Yeah, his tears will basically act as a lubricant.
We said our piece. There's nothing more we can do.
How's that chicken?
(SNICKERS)
Okay, so, you're mad at me?
No. I'm not mad at you.
I guess I should have told you.
- I'm sorry. - Well, if there's something to tell...
No. Again, nothing happened.
Chris and I haven't been together
since we've been together.
He just...
You know, he begged to see me today. That's all.
What did he say?
That he still loved me
and he wanted to make sure that me and you
weren't just trying to recapture first love,
but if I was sure, then he was happy for me.
Yeah.
Are you sure?
How can I be sure? It's been, what, two weeks?
Well, I'm sure.
Really?
Huh.
(SIGHS)
Because
I'm sorry. I'm not, Vince.
I'm not sure.
I'm just... I'm really confused. I can't lie.
Because on one hand, I think about you
and the way that you make me feel
and how I felt five years ago.
And then on the other hand,
I think about him and...
(SIGHS)
I kind of miss him.
Why don't you just be honest with me
and tell me which hand you're leaning towards?
His.
- I'm sorry. - (SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
Wow.
I'd like to say a few words about a guy I know,
a friend of mine.
His name is Brian Piccolo.
He has a mental attitude
which makes me proud to have a friend
who spells out courage 24 hours a day,
every day of his life.
I can't get Ari on the phone.
- It says his cell's been disconnected. - Shut up!
- Move. - You guys have any idea where Vince
- might have his home number? - No. Shut up!
- Move! - TURTLE: Call the agency.
DRAMA: There's got to be a night answering service.
But I say to you, here and now,
Brian Piccolo is the man of courage...
Hi, can you put me through to Ari Gold's voicemail?
Sorry, but I'm afraid Mr. Gold no longer works here.
Okay, thank you.
(SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
I loved Brian Piccolo.
They said he no longer works there.
Hey, Vince.
Can I get you to turn off the TV?
Come on, Vince, it's the best part.
All right, just to get it over with,
so we don't have to talk about it again.
You guys were right.
It's not over between them.
And we're done.
- Sorry, buddy. - Yeah, sorry, Vin.
We're all sorry, bro.
Yeah.
Are you mad at us for telling you?
No, I love you guys for telling me.
Anything we can do for you?
Nah.
Actually, tell Ari
I'm not gonna do the movie.
I couldn't work with her every day.
I'm gonna go to bed.
My life is over!
You will bounce back, Ari Gold.
I drove to work in an $80,000 Mercedes.
I'm driving home in a prop car from The Fast and the Furious.
I just don't see it.
What the hell am I gonna say to my wife?
Ari...
I've worked 18 hours a day to save up the money
to put myself through Stanford Business School.
While I was there, I cleaned the cafeteria
during the hours I wasn't studying
and still graduated top of my class,
only to take a job delivering mail
to unappreciative overpaid little cocksuckers,
then to finally get the big promotion
that would allow me to answer your phones
and be both racially and sexually harassed
for the next nine months.
But I know the endgame,
and you, Ari Gold, you are it.
So stop your fucking whining,
and go into your gorgeous $3 million house
with your beautiful goddess wife
and figure out how you're going to make
both of our lives happen tomorrow!
That was a good speech, Lloyd.
If I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.
- Oy. - (LAUGHS)
- We're gonna be okay, Lloyd.
(FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE PLAYING)
Oh, my God.
- This is fate. - (VOLUME INCREASES)
(LAUGHS)
(SINGS IN TUNE)
(CAR HORN BEEPING)
(DOOR SLAMS)
(DOGS BARKING)
Are you out of your fucking mind, Ari?
Get in the house, now!
Baby. Baby!
- You're drunk? - Baby!
What happened to your hand?
Dance with me, baby. Nothing, nothing.
I haven't stopped thinking about you. Baby, you're my everything. Baby, baby!
Lloyd, what the hell is wrong with him?
- Baby! - He is in love is all.
- Good night! - (ENGINE REVS)
(TIRES SQUEAL)
Come on. Baby, this is our song.
You are my life.
I'm not going into that house until you dance with me.
The music's gone, Ari.
That's weird, but I can still feel it.
Come on.
- Ari? - What? Come on, baby.
Feel it in the house, okay?
- Ari! Ow! - (LAUGHS) My fucking hand, baby!
- (FOR ONCE IN MY LIFE PLAYING) - Oh! Ari...
Ari, the neighbors.