(THEME MUSlC PLAYlNG)
Wow, golf on a Wednesday, huh, Ari?
ln the next life l want to come back as you.
Wish l could return the compliment, E,
but l'd rather come back as one of Michael Vick's dogs.
Awesome. So how's this golf game
gonna get Vince in this movie anyway, just so l'm clear?
Alan is a degenerate gambler and he's awful.
l used to take him for many dollars.
Today l am going to let him win.
And then when he feels cocky l'm gonna seize the moment.
So you're gonna bet Vince into the movie?
-Yup. -l'm feeling real confident now, Ari.
Your physical appearance has left you no reason to ever feel confident.
But sometimes you appear to be.
Appear to be that way for Vince today and who knows,
maybe Uncle Ari will deliver a present by day's end.
-Good Iuck, Ari. -Suck it, E.
l got a 9:30 call time.
You care if l roll with Drama, Vin?
l just want you to be happy, Turtle.
-Appreciate that. -How those want ads looking, Turtle?
Depressing.
You guys think l could sell myself to old broads for cash?
Yeah, if they have vision problems.
Turtle, you really don't have to get a job.
Uh, yeah, Vin, l really do.
l need a little cash in my pocket.
You got your face to land pussy. What do l got?
-A point. -l got some cash l can give you.
No way. l'm not taking anything from you when you're hurting.
Turtle, l appreciate it, but l'm not hurting that bad.
Uh, yeah, Vince, you are.
lt's just temporary. We all know you're gonna bounce back.
Well, let's find you a job then.
You have any ideas yet?
Really just one and it ain't in there.
What is it?
You know Drama's been looking to hire an assistant.
Since l go to work with the guy half the time anyway...
What do you think?
Hey, that's not a bad idea.
Why not keep it in the family?
Could you bring it up to him?
'Cause l know if l do he's gonna give me a hard time.
-Sure. -You ready to go?
-Yeah. -Hey, Johnny.
Hey, bro.
How about hiring Turtle as your assistant?
(CHUCKLES)
-l don't think so. -Come on, Drama. lt's only temporary.
-No way. -TURTLE: Why not?
Because what l'm looking for in an assistant you don't have.
-And what's that? -An ass l'd want to fuck.
Oh, please. You haven't hired an assistant
'cause you haven't found an ass cheap enough to work for you yet.
What's the going rate for assistants nowadays?
Well, other cast members are paying around 700.
But l won't go over 250.
-Make it 300 cash and he's in. -300?
l'll get the rest back to you when l get a job.
-Sounds good. -Not to me it don't.
Come on.
Bro, he's never gonna be able to handle the job.
Please. l handle working for Vince, l can handle working for you.
Working in fantasyland don't qualify you to run lraq.
Whatever you need, l will do, Drama.
l think that means if you really want, you can fuck him.
Oh, you're just on fire today.
Come on, bro. There's no way he's ever gonna listen to me.
Turtle, do you promise to listen to every word he says?
Cross my heart hope to die.
Stick a needle in your eye?
And l'll take responsibility for his performance.
All right, l'll try him out for the day.
-Nice. -Come on, Turtle, let's go.
Do not disappoint me.
Uh, can l get an advance?
No.
So what are we gonna do today?
l have a pitch meeting at the network with Charlie.
Oh. That's cool.
You could come.
-Nah. -You sure?
Yeah.
(PHONE RlNGlNG)
(SlGHS)
-Hello? -l didn't do anything wrong, Vin.
-l didn't do anything wrong. -Dom?
l'm really screwed, Vin. l'm really screwed.
What's going on? What's wrong?
-(SlRENS WAlLlNG) -(HELlCOPTER WHlRLlNG)
Turn on the news.
REPORTER: ...invoIved in a high-speed car chase...
Holy shit. Dom, is that you?
Yeah, it's me. And l don't know what to do.
Well, pull the fuck over. Yo, E, get out here.
DOM: Jesus Christ, I'm done, Vin.
l'm done.
-What's up? -Dom.
No fucking way!
REPORTER: ...this breaking story. Oh, it appears...
-Get out of the car. -l'm coming.
-Show me your hands. -l'm peaceful.
-l'm sorry, Vin. l love ya. -Get out of the car.
l'm sorry for anything l ever did to you.
Dom!
l think you're gonna want to cancel your meeting.
REPORTER: ...is sIowly coming out ofthe car.
Well, looking very nice, Ari.
Glad to see you still got your swing
so l'm not gonna feel too bad taking all your money.
Only time you ever took my money is when you fucked me on a deal, Alan.
Well, my game's improved immeasurably over the last 1 0 years.
Today, l'm gonna fuck you on the course.
l look forward to that. Just like the old days when we were nobodies.
Hey, Alan.
-How are you, Bob? -How are you?
Good to see you. Everything good?
Yeah, l was supposed to play a round with Pete Bogdanovich.
He had an emergency, he didn't show up.
So figured l'd just come and whack a few balls before l go home.
At your age, the fact that you can whack anything is a miracle.
Ha ha. Always too clever for your own good, Ari.
You're right about that, Bob.
-(ARl LAUGHS) -Wait a minute. You annoy Ari.
-Why don't you join us? -Alan.
Come on. You can talk to me about that picture you've been trying to get me to make.
-What, the Ramones picture? -Sure thing.
-lt's not dead? -Nothing's ever dead in this town.
You're living proof of that, Bob.
That's terrific news.
Slide in, l'll ride with you.
Sorry, Bob. You ride with Ari.
l brought my pro today to keep me in line.
-You brought your pro, Alan? -l sure did.
ln fact, here he is.
Hey, partner.
ls this whose ass we're gonna kick today?
Ari Gold.
Phil Mickelson.
The day starts when l say it starts.
The day ends when l say it ends.
Got you, boss.
No weed smoking, no boozing.
Hey, Drama. Turtle.
What's up, Jimmy? How are you?
-And no cavorting. -l was just being polite.
Well, don't be.
The real reason l haven't hired an assistant
is because l haven't found anyone who could match my intensity,
especially while l'm creating.
l will match it. Here you go.
We'll see.
l'm gonna need you to get me breakfast while l look at my sides.
Okay, no problem. What do you want?
FiberCon raisin.
-Done. -Wait.
That's FiberCon cereal with raisins added.
Gotcha.
But l want the raisins added from the Raisin Bran box.
l don't understand.
Pour a bowl of FiberCon,
open up a box of Raisin Bran,
grab 20 or 30 raisins out of it.
Also l need half-orange-juice- half-apple-juice
in a coffee mug with a splash of V8.
And paper-thin banana slices,
about an eighth of an inch thick.
How am l supposed to know if they're an eighth of an inch?
You should be able to see through them.
You're fucking with me, right?
You gonna question everything l ask today?
-No, no. -'Cause l'll tell Vince.
No, you don't have to tell Vince anything.
Don't make me. Now go, on the hop.
You know how angry l get when my blood sugar drops.
Charlie, listen, you're gonna have to call a cab and meet me there.
l can't believe you're doing this to me again.
You know l wanted to go over the pitch before, right?
l've got to meet you there, Charlie.
All right, you can go in now.
Look, the meeting starts in less than two hours
and you're always ditching me for Vince.
l know, l'm sorry. But l got to go, Charlie. l will be there.
-l'll see you in a little while. -Yeah, okay.
You've got to get me out of here, Vin.
Calm down, Dom. Tell us what happened?
Nothing did. l panicked is all.
Panicked from what?
Maybe l was speeding. l don't know.
But a cop pulled up behind me.
l thought l had weed in the glovebox.
lt's my mother-in-law's.
lt's not mine. She's got glaucoma.
But since l've been out here l got a couple of strikes
and the fearjust kicked in and l ran.
-So you didn't do anything? -Nothing.
But if they charge me with evading l'm looking at 30 years.
Oh, Jesus, Dom.
Please, Vin, you've got to get me out of here.
What do you want us to do, Dom?
Want us to overtake the guards?
-Sorry. -No.
l deserved that.
But here's the thing... l've changed.
For real this time.
l got a four-month-old baby girl.
l got the love of a beautiful Oriental woman.
l got a limo business.
l go to church.
But l need to get out of here
so l can look my girl in the face and tell her l'm sorry.
What do we have to do?
Post bail.
-Dom. -l know it's a lot to ask, Vinnie.
But l swear to my mother, who you know and love,
that l just need to go see my girl and my baby
and l'll come right back here and you'll get your money back.
-How much is your bail? -1 00 grand.
Fuck that.
-You've grown cold, E. -Oh, come on.
Hollywood has made you cold.
-You buying any of that nonsense? -What nonsense?
Thought he had weed in his car and his mother-in-law has glaucoma.
-Why would he lie about that? -'Cause he's an arch-criminal.
-He lies about everything. He always has. -l have to get him out.
Why, so he can run off and lose all the money?
Guy's got a baby, he's not gonna run.
-How do you know? -You think he's lying about that too?
You actually think there's someone out there that would fuck him?
l don't care. l have to get him out. lf he runs, it's on me.
-And the 1 00 grand? -Well, that's on you.
For now, l mean, if you have it.
Look, l really hate to ask, but if you have it l'd appreciate it.
-Do you have it? -Why do you always believe in him?
Why do you always believe in me? lnstinct.
l've known Dom for 25 years
and my instinct says one day he's gonna redeem himself.
Yeah, well, l hope that day is today.
Think there's a B ofA around here?
Oh, hold on, Alan. You're aimed over here.
-Really? -Really.
Aim here.
Thank you, Phil.
-Ha ha! -Am l hot or what?
En fuego, Alan. En fuego.
-l've got this idea. -Freak.
After we do the Ramones picture, l got this great golf script.
This aging pro falls in love with his caddy
and all hell breaks loose.
Now is that something you might be interested in?
l could be, Bob. l could be.
lf l keep beating Ari like this
we could be buying the script with his cash.
After l sink this putt, it's just the beginning of my comeback.
You've lost the last eight holes, Ari.
When you miss l'm up 1 0 grand.
l don't miss putts inside 1 0 feet.
-Even Bob knows that. -How would l know that?
The only putz l see is standing in front of me.
Good one, Bob.
l'm surprised you can hold the club with those slick hands.
You got grease running down your arms.
Get your point there, Bob.
-Let him play, Bob. -Sorry.
My bad.
Miss it, you scumbag!
-(LAUGHlNG) -You guys are hysterical.
Johnny, you come right here and say your line.
Then Brandon comes from up here and says...
What are you, stupid?
Great. Let's shoot it.
Hold on a second. Here's my guy.
Finally. He's mine, Casey, let him go.
All right.
-Where you been? -Slicing bananas.
Which wasn't easy to do with a plastic knife. l did good, right?
Too slow, but you did all right.
Johnny, let's go.
Hold on a second. l'm running on fumes.
-What's this? -What?
These aren't Raisin Bran raisins.
Yeah they are.
What, do you think l'm stupid?
What's that got to do with anything?
There's no sugar coating on these raisins.
The milk probably washed it off.
These are Sun-Maid raisins. Don't fuck with my palate.
-Any time now, Drama. -Hold on a second.
-l'm calling Vince. -No, no, no, fine.
They ran out of Raisin Bran.
So you couldn't run to 7-1 1 ?
-l didn't think l had enough time. -No, you didn't think.
And your not thinking doesn't get me what l want.
And when l don't get what l want my day is done.
-l'm sorry, Drama. -Well, sorry don't fill my belly.
What else can l do?
All this.
Go.
Jesus. l thought Brandon was an asshole.
Yeah, Drama's in a class all by himself.
Sorry, l've got an idiot for an assistant.
They all have their days.
That's why l put a Xanax in Brandon's coffee every morning.
-Come on. -Oh, yeah, look how relaxed he is.
A happy boss means a happy assistant.
Find a way. Trust me, you'll have much less work to do.
Why couldn't you drop me off at home first?
l told you, Dom. l'm late for this meeting.
-l kinda got to get home. -l'm gonna get you home.
l thought the whole point of bailing me out was 'cause you knew l needed to get home.
Dom, l'm late. l couldn't drop you. We're gonna be done soon.
Please, just stick close to me.
-Stick close to you? -Yeah.
-Oh, look here. -Sorry, Charlie.
Don't worry about it. We're just gonna walk right in.
Oh, hey. l want you to meet my running-late manager.
-This is Eric Murphy. -How are you?
-Vincent Chase. -Oh, hi.
Hey, Amy Miller. Will you be joining us?
Oh, everybody is. We're all coming in.
-l'm coming in? -Yeah.
Please.
Why the fuck am l coming in?
Sorry about that.
So...
Vince, are you involved with this project?
l'm involved with the management company,
so l'm here to put my support behind Charlie.
Uh-huh, great.
Well, Charlie, we can't wait to hear what your ideas are.
l loved what you did at the Comedy Store.
Thanks. l appreciate that. Thanks a lot.
We think Charlie's gonna be the next Chris Rock.
Well, me personally, l think l'm more of a Steve Martin kind of guy,
but way to use the race card, E.
Oh, l get it.
So anyway, what's the idea?
-E's gonna intro the premise. -Uh, excuse me.
Before you guys get started, l just need to use the toilet.
Okay.
Uh, it's about... lt's about skate kids
down by the beach. lt's called Venice.
-Mmm-hmm. -Mmm-hmm.
You know what? l need to use the bathroom too.
l will be... l'll be right back.
Two minutes.
(CLEARS THROAT)
-Vince is my new manager. -Hey.
(CHUCKLES) Okay.
l thought you had to be in there, E.
No, Charlie's got it under control.
-Seems like a nice kid. -Oh, yeah.
Yup.
-So you gonna piss or what? -l'm pissing.
Silent stream, huh?
Whoo-hoo!
Meeting's over?
Just like when you fuck, E, quick and straight to the point.
-What did she say? -lt's a done deal. She wants a script.
-Wow, that was fast. -The kid's funny.
That and Vince agreed to do the pilot.
Congratulations, guys.
l must be a lucky charm.
What do you say, Ari? You want to just call it a day?
You want to let me off on the 20 grand l owe you?
Otherwise we play through.
You could go down a lot more if you go on, Ari.
Yeah, l don't think so, Phil. No.
'Cause l'm just starting to get loose, all right?
l get stronger by the hole
whereas Alan always gets weaker.
-Oh, really? -Yeah.
Maybe you should raise the stakes a little.
That's a good idea, Bob.
l have a lot of good ideas, Alan.
-Ari? -l don't play for money.
-l play for personal pride. -What, are you a pussy?
Alan, you're up 20 grand.
-And l'm bored. -All right, what do you want to play for?
Well, how's 20 a hole sound?
-l don't know. -Too rich for your blood, Ari?
l mean, l don't know what kind of profits that little agency of yours is turning.
lf any.
l'll tell you what.
Why don't we play for 50 a hole? But l don't want your money, Alan.
Really? What do you want?
l want Vinnie in the movie.
You swore you wouldn't bring that up today.
l didn't know you were gonna be so competitive.
You really are a scumbag, Ari.
l told you, Alan. l know these things.
Listen, it's the second lead.
Whatever it is, doesn't matter 'cause you'll never win. Go ahead, swing away.
-Huh? -Nice drive.
Best of the day.
Finally. (CHUCKLES)
Have you been hustling me, Ari?
l'm sure he has been.
You got Phil fucking Mickelson teaching you
and this idiot yammering in my ear all day and l'm hustling you?
You know what l'm gonna do? l'm gonna focus
extra, extra hard from now on, Alan.
Me too, me too, Ari.
We stopped playing together, what was it, 1 0 years ago now, right?
That's about when l met Phil.
Yeah, he saw a real flaw in my game.
Got me to fix it, though.
But actually, l haven't used his advice today.
Didn't seem to need it until now.
What advice did he give you?
Like me, he's better as a lefty.
Thank you, Phil.
Are you in trouble now, Ari.
Whoa. Ha ha.
Big trouble, Ari. Big trouble.
Will you just die already, Bob?
What's up, boss?
-How'd you get back so fast? -Good shoes.
No, seriously. You do everything on the list?
No, not everything.
-You get my dry cleaning? -No.
Did you get my picture from the framing store?
Nope.
Did you get my Peter Thomas Roth anti-aging cleansing gel?
-l did not. -What did you get me?
This.
-Who's that? -lt's an extra.
You're her favorite character.
What am l supposed to do with her?
Fuck her. What do you think?
You think l need you to pick up extras for me to bang?
l did have to charm about 20 of them before l found one that would say yes.
Do you know how stupid this is?
-l thought it'd make you happy. -No, it doesn't make me happy.
l can't have an extra in my trailer.
l got sexual harassment lawsuits coming out of my ass as it is.
-l never heard about those. -l don't tell you everything.
You said you wanted an assistant you could bang.
Yeah, because you pay an assistant to keep her mouth shut.
These girls are just jerking their way to a lawsuit.
Between this and my meltdown on The View
you could get me thrown off the show.
-l'm sorry. -Yeah, me too...
For agreeing to this.
-Now get her out of here quietly. -Okay.
Then go wait in the car.
Hello? Anybody home?
l don't think anybody's here.
l thought you were in such a rush 'cause they were waiting.
They must have stepped out for a minute.
-You want to call them? -No, l'm sure they'll be back any minute.
-You guys want something to drink? -Sure, what do you got?
-You name it, l got it. -l'll have a beer.
Yeah, me too.
-E, why so close? -What?
l feel like you're about to attempt a prison rape.
-What's up? -Nothing.
-What's up, Vin? -E thinks you're gonna jump bail.
Come on, you think that?
Yeah, well, you did try to outrun a bunch of police officers, Dom.
l thought l explained that to you sufficiently.
He doubts you, Dom.
So that's why you followed me to take a piss.
Wow, he really looks after your money, huh, Vince?
Actually, Dom, it's his money.
l've hit a bit of a rough patch.
You put up the money, E?
Yup.
Wow, after all l've done...
l mean, l expected Vince to come through,
but E doing that, l mean, that means a lot.
Just put his mind at ease that you're not gonna run.
Well, l'm a little more likely to since it's not your money, Vince.
Dom.
Be at ease, E. 'Cause, come on,
do you think if l decided to run you'd be able to stop me?
(LAUGHlNG)
-(CAR APPROACHES) -Oh, shit, that's them.
Don't say a word about this.
l got to wait for the right moment.
l'm not gonna say anything.
There are my two beauties.
Come here, my little lzzybear.
-l tried calling you. -l'm sorry, phone was on the fritz.
There's a baby.
Careful, Ma.
And a blind mother-in-law.
Whew.
-Sylvi, these are my friends. -Hey.
-Hey, this is my mother. -Hi.
-And Vince? -Yes, hi.
How are you? And you're E?
Yeah, how'd you know that?
Dom showed me so many pictures of you guys when you were children.
-Really? -Yeah, l'm so glad to see you all together.
l know how angry you were after what he did.
Dom told you about that?
Oh, he tells me everything.
Yeah, we made a pact before we had little lzzy.
Ma.
-Careful up the steps, Ma. -Ma.
Easy.
Wow. Dom's a dad.
Can you believe he's the best dad?
Unbelievable.
He is.
Ma.
-Who is this? -Say hi.
-Hey there. -l'm Uncle Vince.
(LAUGHlNG)
-You got this one, Alan. -Are you sure?
No doubt.
Your move, Ari.
Etiquette. Farthest guy out goes first.
BOB: You've got to cup this one to tie, Ari.
-lt's not an easy shot. -No shit, Bob.
-Any advice there, Phil? -Pray, Ari.
Don't bother. l'm sure God
gave up on you a long time ago.
(GROANS)
Oh.
l'm so sorry.
So sorry to you and Mr. Chase.
You know, you really are a fucking gutless prick. You know that, Ari?
Oh, well.
l'll tell you what... l'll tell you what.
-Make that. -What?
One more shot for your favorite pretty boy client.
Go ahead, make it. Show me you got some guts.
Make the putt and he's in and you're the hero.
You miss it and you're both losers.
Oh, well. You know what? Fuck both of you, Ari.
You hear me? Fuck you both.
l lost, Alan. Why are you so angry?
l'm so angry 'cause l don't fucking like you.
-And l don't like that fucking kid. -Okay, all right.
And you come out here when l tell you not to bring up his fucking name again
-and you ruin my fucking day. -Calm down.
Don't you ever tell me to calm down! You hear me?
Don't you ever fucking tell me to calm down,
you fucking prick cocksucker!
(GROANS)
(EXHALES)
-You all right? -Oh, yeah.
Alan, are you okay?
l'm fine. l'm fine. l'm fine. l'm fine!
l'm... l'm fucking fine.
(GROANS)
Nice fucking relaxing day, huh?
-Take a seat, Alan. -l'm fine. l said l'm...
-(GROANS) Oh, fuck! -You all right?
-l said l'm fine! -Call 91 1 fast.
-l'm gonna call a doctor. -Oh, God.
Somebody call a doctor!
Come on, Alan. Think positive thoughts.
(ALAN GROANlNG)
-What's this? -Got the list done.
-The whole list? -Everything.
And highlighted your sides for tomorrow.
Thanks.
-Look, l was hard on you today. -You think?
l mean, most guys would be thrilled to see a girl
in her underwear sitting in their trailer,
-but l'm not like most. -No, you are not.
Anyway, you proved something to me right now.
More importantly, l think you proved something to yourself.
You think this is a job you want to keep?
Why, you want to keep me?
l mean, you were rough in patches,
but l think you could grow into it.
You gonna tell Vince l did good?
l already did, on the phone.
Even before l did all this?
l'll bury you at work
but never to the outside world.
l'm gonna toughen you up, though, Turtle.
-Oh. -That sound good?
-ls the day officially over? -Yup.
Then it sounds great.
-You're not gonna get the door for me? -Nope.
-(CAR STARTS) -What are you doing?
Telling you l quit, you jerkoff.
What?
He's coming back.
Everything was amazing, Sylvi.
-Truly incredible. Thank you. -lt's my pleasure.
My pleasure.
-Thanks, babe. -Okay. l'll be back.
(DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES)
l don't know how l'm gonna tell her.
Just be honest.
lt's gonna break her heart.
She don't deserve it.
l love you guys for being here.
l really do.
Say bye.
Do you feel guilty now?
Yeah. Maybe he's changed a little.
Third grade when Mikey Cammerata tried to kick your ass...
-Yup. -...who stopped him?
-Dom. -Dom.
And in fifth grade he wanted to kick your ass.
Dom stopped him again.
-To Dom. -To Dom.
(CAR STARTlNG)
Oh, you got to be kidding me.
-l don't believe this. -l do.
l'm so stupid. l never should have trusted him.
No one ever should have.
Dom.
(SlGHS) She told me if l ever went to jail again
she would leave me.
l thought if l could just explain
she would understand.
You can take me to jail now, E.
-TURTLE: Poor Dom. -Poor Dom.
l promised to testify at his parole hearing.
-That might help. -Yeah, in 2020 it might.
-You guys did all you could. -Yeah, we did.
And l'm proud of you, Turtle, for delivering today.
l just walked nine miles. You're a dick.
Why didn't you call a cab?
Out of principle and to prove you're a dick.
Johnny, l thought you said he did a good job.
Yeah, as a worker he was okay.
-As a friend he's a animal. -(PHONE RlNGS)
Give me some good news, Ari.
Well, l lost the bet.
Oh, great. Maybe you could organize a poker game with him tomorrow.
No, E.
That's gonna be a little difficult seeing as how Alan is dead.
What?
He's dead, Eric.
The joy of me losing
was too much for his angry little heart.
-So what now? -WeII...
Now l go home to the family 'cause l realize life is short.
And tomorrow we can see how alive Vinnie is.
Listen, be well.
Alan's dead. He had a heart attack.
Jesus, that's awful.
ls it, bro?
(HlP-HOP MUSlC PLAYlNG)