Not a bad neighborhood, E.
And you're relatively close to the House of Wax.
You got a Jiffy Lube right across the street.
And if you had a hard day,
you're only a few steps away from a $50 blowjob.
Please, we passed $50 10 blocks ago.
What do you need an office for anyway? I don't get it.
You didn't get the concept of having a job till you were 25, Turtle,
so I wouldn't expect you to.
If it's my place that's not doing it for you, E,
we can make some modifications,
make the environment more work-friendly.
I appreciate that, Drama. The only modification
that would work would be having you guys move out.
Why, are we distracting?
No, having Turtle blow bong hits in my face
when I'm trying to read a script is motivating.
- This is the building? - Shut up and get in there.
Jesus Christ. What the hell?
I guess you don't like it?
Well, it doesn't exactly scream
"I'm Vincent Chase's manager. "
No. It screams "I'm Johnny Chase's. "
Why do I gotta get abused
when we're trying to abuse him?
It's just for a laugh.
- This is gonna be your desk? - Yeah, for now.
No no no. A working man needs a real desk,
a sturdy desk.
One that can support a good fuck.
Well, this office isn't for show.
And it's not for fucking. It's so I can get shit done.
Like what?
Yeah, what do you got to do that's so pressing?
I am kind of booked till Walsh hands in his script.
So what do you want to do? You want to sit around and do nothing?
You have something else in mind?
Peter Jackson's starting a new gaming division.
They're looking to make some talent deals... Big dough, limited exposure.
I'm gonna call his development guy and set up a meeting.
Maybe I can lock us a video game. Sound good?
- Sounds great. - Yeah?
- The office still sucks. Yeah, it's terrible.
Come on, guys. Let's leave my high-powered manager
so he can earn us some money.
- Later, E. - What are we gonna do all day?
We'll figure it out.
Big day today, people!
The Gold standard's golden girl,
Miss Mary J. Blige,
is coming in today for her annual
"make-me-understand- what-I-pay-you-people-for"
meeting, so we'd better be ready.
- Chris! - Uh, I'm ready, Ari.
- Bradley! - Wearing my best tie, Ari.
Great, zip up that fly.
- Ari... - Hey, Jim.
- It's Jeff. - I'm sorry. From the side, you know...
- Yeah, don't worry about it. - You and your bro ready for Mary J?
We are. But listen, just a heads up:
My brother and I have been having some personal problems.
Does it have anything to do with Mary J?
No, it does not.
- Then it has nothing to do with me. - You're absolutely right.
But you know how emotional Jim can be.
So, look, if he comes bugging you with this, just ignore him.
Let's hope he doesn't come bugging me.
Yeah. Let's hope.
Did Mary J. Confirm?
Six times, one for each Grammy.
- What's that smell? - It's Issey Miyake, her favorite scent.
I'm wearing it as a subtle subliminal show of our support.
- What else you got? - Jim Jensen's in your office.
Oh, Jesus Christ, his brother just ambushed me.
Yeah, I guess there's some kind of rift with the Jensen boys.
- Be careful in there. - Careful?
You know multiples freak me out, Ari.
Can gays have multiples, Lloyd?
Jim! Not the day for this.
How's it going with the baby bro?
Okay, he's 27 seconds older than me, Ari.
And he's a lowlife slimy piece of cunt shit.
Yes, well, you know how siblings can be, right?
- Oh, you have a brother? - I do.
And a whore of a sister, so I can relate to the sibling squabblings.
I need you to fire him, Ari.
I need positivity today, Jim.
But, Ari, I can't work in the same building with him.
Jeter and A-Rod let their dicks fly in the same locker room
- and they hate each other. - Okay, Ari...
Jim, listen to me.
Just man the fuck up, okay?
We got Mary J. Coming in today.
It's time to heed the woman's lyrics... "No More Drama. "
- Matt Dravitzki's on the phone. - Who's Matt Dravitzki?
VP of Peter Jackson's company.
Do I talk to VPs?
He says he's calling because E called him
and said Vince wants to work with Peter.
Jim, go back to work.
Go.
And don't ask to see her tatts like you did with Angelina.
Hello.
Ooh, look at this sweet piece, Vince.
It's perfect. E will love it.
Can I go on record and say that when I get an office
I want my gift to be a plasma?
Can I go on the record and say by the time you get an office,
plasmas will have gone the way of the eight-track?
Excuse me, miss.
Can you tell me a little something about this desk?
Oh, that's an amazing piece with a lot of history.
- You've got a good eye. - Well, thank you.
Do you know what kind of weight this can support?
This is a signed Majorelle built in the 1930s.
Mickey Rooney sat at this desk in "Breakfast at Tiffany's. "
- Mmm. - Huh, that's ironic.
We want it so another small Irishman can sit at it.
Oh, is this a gift? - Yeah.
That's very thoughtful.
How thoughtful?
$42,000.
Get a 100-inch plasma for that, Vin.
This is an investment, though.
This desk will appreciate like a piece of art.
And Robert De Niro owned that desk.
Really?
Yeah, Scorsese gave it to him as a gift
after "New York, New York" bombed.
It was the only thing that survived
after his Malibu home went up in flames.
- Is this true? - Cross my heart and hope to die.
Hmm.
I'm sold.
I wonder if De Niro ever fucked on this desk.
Hmm, I don't know, Drama.
Why don't you lean over and sniff it for ball wax?
Turtle, come on. You have to ruin the desk for me?
- I'm sorry, Vin. - Vince, I am so embarrassed,
but apparently a buyer came in yesterday
and someone forgot to put the sold tag out.
- You're kidding? - I feel awful.
We have another great desk that just came in.
It's a rustic piece.
- Yeah, De Niro own that one? - I'm really sorry.
Is there any way we can call the buyer
and maybe offer him a little more?
- We really want the desk. - I'm sorry, I couldn't.
We're supposed to respect the privacy of our clients.
Can you respect my poor little friend
sitting at a fold-up table in his sad little office?
It was Gary Busey.
Hey.
Shit!
Eric Murphy.
Like the new office number, E.
You know it spells 274-COCK.
- It does not. - No, it doesn't, but I made you look.
Why are you so out of breath?
Are you christening the place with a nice midday jerk?
Stop fantasizing, Ari. What do you want?
You call Peter Jackson's company?
- Yeah, how'd you know? - 'Cause they called me.
Why'd they call you?
Because they don't know who the fuck you are.
I told them I was Vincent Chase's manager.
Well, there are people outside your office right now
that will claim to be Lady Di. That don't make it true.
Whatever. This is true, you jerk-off.
Your staff is ready, Ari.
Listen, we got a great system going.
Just 'cause you got 80 square feet of office space
doesn't mean you can go and fuck it up.
And what system is that, Ari? Just so I'm clear.
Well, let's see, people call me,
then I call you. You tell Vince what I tell you.
Vince tells you what to tell me.
You're like a... A ventriloquist in a dummy's body.
Whatever. I can make and take my own meetings.
Well, listen, if you want people to call you back,
may I suggest that you get a van
with a large bullhorn on the top,
drive around Hollywood
announcing that after three years of hibernating in Vincent Chase's ass,
Eric Murphy has come out to play-ee-ay?
All right! Let's do this, everybody!
- Everyone feeling good? Yes! Yeah! Great!
Not everyone.
All right!
I am not Ari Gold today, I am the queen of hip-hop soul.
I have sold 65 million more records
than all of you combined.
Impress me. Go.
A broadway musical based on her alter ego Brook Lynn.
Miss Blige could produce, star and direct.
Uh, so you want to keep her on the stage for nine months
and out of the recording studio?
It's a really good idea.
Mention that to her and I'll kill both of you.
ARl: Next.
Paramount has a movie about con artists.
It's an excellent script, very realistic.
Yeah, he'd know since he's a pretty big con artist himself.
You have something productive to say?
I'm sorry, Ari, I'm just having trouble concentrating.
- Well, Jim, this isn't the place. - Oh, what?
Am I embarrassing you?
No, you're embarrassing yourself.
Actually, no one can tell you two apart,
so you're both being embarrassed.
Ari, Ari, I told you, I can't work with him.
What are you gonna do? Are you gonna quit?
No, I told him to fire you.
- What? - Yeah, that's right, scumbag.
Okay, you know what? I apologized to you.
But when you go after my livelihood...
Hey, assholes!
- Fuck your livelihood! - Fuck you!
- Fuck me?!
You want some?
Put them both in my office when it's done.
Remind me to sell this as a reality show.
Sounds too easy is all I'm saying.
The guy said he'd be happy to sell me the desk.
Let's just get in and out. No small talk.
Busey scares me, Vin. You sure there's not another desk?
This is the desk we're getting, Turtle. Just don't small talk, okay?
Johnny?
I like talking to Busey.
The tortoise, the hare and the millionaire.
It is so good to see you guys.
I've had walking pneumonia for the past couple of weeks.
Haven't had any guests.
But for the beginning of new guests, you are the best.
Come on in.
Come on. Come on.
So, you've come to acquire my newly-acquired desk.
It's for E as a gift.
Yeah, he's got a sweet new office
and it'll complement the place perfectly.
There's no way I'm gonna part with that desk.
But, Gary, you said on the phone...
That phone call was two years ago, Mr. Vince.
Gary, my brother is prepared to pay
whatever he's got to pay to get that desk. Name your price.
Easy, Johnny, easy.
Uh, yes, I am willing to pay, Gary,
but let's be reasonable.
You paid 42, I'll give you 50.
Money will bury you, Vince.
- Okay, all right. - Here, sit down.
Let's find harmony in this circle.
Good.
Why are you so quiet?
You scare me, Gary.
It's your reflection in the mirror
that scares you, Turtle.
Gary, what exactly do you want?
I'm planning a series of portraits
and I've chosen my next subject.
- You want to paint me? - No. You don't know pain.
I... I don't follow.
Drama, I've chosen you.
You want to paint me?
No, I want to paint on you.
Now I don't follow.
This is a statement of enlightened photography:
The unseen faces of the familiar.
I painted George Hamilton white.
I've taken 230 Ibs off Dom Deluise
by painting him with vertical stripes.
With you, I will paint you
to bring out your beauty and your truth.
- Good luck. - So what do you say, Johnny?
I don't know, bro. I got tiny pores.
- It could suffocate me. - Hey!
Only denial will suffocate you.
- Come on, Drama. It's for E. - It's for E.
And for immortality.
"Daily Variety" ad sales, can I help you?
Hi. I'd like to take out an ad
in tomorrow's paper announcing my company.
Okay, no problem. I need the name of your business.
The Murphy Group.
Yeah, you like that?
It's okay. What do you do?
I represent Vincent Chase.
Ooh! I liked "Aquaman. "
- Cool. - But according to the SAG database,
Ari Gold represents Vincent Chase.
Well, I'm his manager.
Oh, that's nice. Who else do you represent?
- Just Vince. - So why the "Group"?
I thought it sounded good. What, it doesn't?
If there was a group it might.
Well, whatever. I'm gonna go with the Group.
What do you want the ad to say?
"The Murphy Group
is proud to be representing Vincent Chase. "
Okay, but we need confirmation
that you actually manage Vincent Chase before we can use his name.
- What kind of confirmation? - Client management papers, perhaps.
I don't have those.
You represent Vincent Chase with no papers?
- Yes. - Do you think that's smart?
Look, what else can I do to confirm?
You can have Ari Gold's office call us, 'cause we know who he is.
Hello?
Uh, look, whatever. You know what?
I'll get some papers or something, thank you.
Freak.
Hey, Ari! - Shut the fuck up!
I've heard enough out of both of you today. Lloyd, go.
You guys should've had this out in the carpool in.
We don't carpool, Ari. We live on opposite sides of town.
Really? 'Cause I would've pictured you two
living in the same condo together in, like, bunk beds with a little racecar...
- Ari... - Shut up! Don't say another word!
Pretend like you're afraid of me, okay?
Because I'm feeling a little insecure right now,
because I'm wondering what I'm doing wrong
that would allow you two to fuck with my focus
on a day when I need to be on my A game.
On a day, when, if I'm not,
we could see M.J. Hip and hop her way
back to I.C.M.
And if that were to happen, best case,
you two are managers in the Valley.
Worst case, you're a freak show
performing at the Santa Monica Pier.
Now, with that in mind, tell me
why in God's name
is this happening?!
He fucked my wife, Ari.
He did not!
You... You did?
You fucked his wife?
- As you? - What?
Did you pretend to be him?
Or did she actually fuck you thinking you were you?
- You think this is funny? - No! I think it's disgusting.
I'm just... I'm trying to figure out
why she did that.
I mean, if I were to cheat on my wife
it would be with like a, you know, busty blonde
or an Asian with pointy nipples.
But an exact fucking replica...
Stop, Ari. Ari, we get it, okay?
We're sorry and we will work it out.
- There's nothing to work out. - See what I'm dealing with?
- You see this? - Shut up, shut up. Lloyd!
- Accounting just brought this up. - All right.
Look, as repulsed as I am
by the fact that you fucked your twin brother's wife,
it's not my problem.
Fucking your coworker's wife...
That is.
But now I've got a bigger problem.
- Please tell me that you are Jeff. - I'm Jim.
How can anyone tell you two apart?
- I wear a Windsor knot. - What does it matter?!
Jeff...
has outearned you...
significantly for the past three years.
- So you won't fire him? - Buddy, listen to me.
I run a business here, not the U.N.
Clearly, you two will never be able to work together again.
So, what? You're gonna fire me?
You're leaving me no choice.
You know what? Fuck you!
And fuck you!
Hey, you did what you had to do.
- It's about the numbers... - Get out of my face.
Go back to work. You make me sick.
Lloyd!
The curse of the multiples is over.
Please, Gary, do you have to throw it at me?
Hey, you want him in close, working you over with brushes?
We'll get to the details later.
Keep your eyes straight, please. Don't look at the paint.
The paint will be on you soon.
- Looking good, Johnny. Whee! Wha!
Whoa! I just talked to the store,
E will have the desk this afternoon.
- Whoa! - Yeah, great. Well, he better love it
or you're paying for my therapy.
Therapy will let you down.
This...
is your therapy.
What do you mean you need confirmation?
You are the confirmation.
Well, you need to tell Mr. Chase that the Screen Actor's Guild
requires him to update his forms.
Update his forms?
He doesn't open his mail!
Sir, please calm down.
You know what? Forget it. I'll call back.
- Hello? - Please tell me you're not the idiot
that's been calling "Variety" trying to take out an ad.
This isn't happening.
Do you really think if someone
calls the press and throws Vince's name around
- I'm not gonna hear about it? I'm not trying to keep it a secret.
I'm just trying to get my name out there a little bit.
By taking out an ad?
Who are you, the fucking Roto-Rooter man?
You want your name out there, you call me.
All right, Shauna. Now that I have you on the phone,
I'd like my name out there a little bit.
- Ask me nicely. - Shauna...
Go to "Variety," E. Ask for Jackie Stone. She'll be there till 4:00.
She'll do a press release on you,
ask you a couple of questions,
write a few sentences. Will take you 20 minutes tops
and it won't cost you a dime.
- Wow. Thanks, Shauna. - Where's my fucking kid?
He threw up on me.
Oh, relax, Christy.
I'm sure he's not the first guy to puke on you.
- It's time, Ari! It's time! - Calm, Lloyd.
Miss Mary J. Blige just got off the elevator.
- Be cool, Lloyd, be cool. - I can't be cool.
Oh! Feel my beating heart.
She's a chick, Lloyd. There may be hope for you yet.
Hey. - ARl: There she is.
- How are you? - Good, how are you?
- I'm great. - You look stunning.
Thank you. You pick out that suit just for me?
Actually, my wife did. You like?
You smell nice.
- Everyone, this is Miss Mary J. Blige! Hey! Thank you.
I'm excited to be here.
- Thank you. - ARl: Let's get started.
Let's do it.
Ari, where's Jim?
Hey, fellas. We just got the message.
What's the problem?
This thing will never get up to that office.
No way. The stairwell is too narrow and it won't fit in the elevator.
You can't just jack it up through the window?
Turtle, we couldn't fit you through that window.
What are you, a smurf?
That's funny, wiseass.
I thought so.
Sorry, Vince. It's a one-piece desk.
The only way you getting that bad boy up there
is if you cut a hole in the roof and helicopter it in.
How much would that cost?
It's a joke, smurf.
- Any other suggestions? - Yeah.
Return the desk and get your money back.
Man, it's too nice for this shithole, anyway.
So you haven't had an office until now?
Well, I really haven't needed one.
I mean, we've had so much space at Vince's house,
but now we're all living in a small condo, so...
- You guys live together? - Yeah.
I mean, but it's not like that. We've been friends since we were kids.
We're like brothers. Probably don't need to write that down though.
Oh no, it's an interesting story.
Maybe we could do something bigger...
A little profile. Do you have time for a photo?
Yeah, sure.
I didn't even know that you knew Jim.
I know all my people, Ari. And Jim's really sweet.
Did you know he sends
a personal handwritten note out with every script?
I did not know that, no.
It's a nice touch.
Hmm. You know what?
We're gonna get Jeff calligraphy lessons
and now he's gonna be the one that's sweet to you.
No, please. Keep Jeff away from me.
He's weird and he's always staring at my ass.
Jeff? No, he has a lazy eye.
That's probably what you're seeing.
Either way, I like Jim.
- Did you really have to fire him? - Unfortunately, I did, yeah.
- Why? What happened? - Uh, you, uh...
The less you know, the better, believe me.
If I were to tell you all the details, it would sicken you.
- Sounds bad. - It is, it is.
Believe me, I take no great pleasure
in firing anyone, but... especially someone
that's had such a positive impact on you.
Anyway, Ari, thank you.
- Good stuff in there today. - Yes, you too...
- Oh, hey, Mary J. - Hey, Jim, how you doing?
- Let's go back to the office. - Wait wait wait. No no no no!
- Did he tell you that he fired me? - Listen, hey,
you don't have to air out your dirty laundry here.
Oh, would that be the "my-brother-fucks-my-wife-
he-earns-more-for-you- you-fire-me"
dirty laundry, asshole?
One love, Mary.
You're an animal, Ari.
- Did you see M.J. Off? - I saw her off, all right, Lloyd.
Off to I.C.M.
- Jeff! - Hey, Ari, you got it right.
What the hell?
How can one embryo produce two fucking losers?
- Ari, what's the problem? - The problem is...
you're a disgusting mutant.
Now go reconjoin with your brother
on the unemployment line!
I don't know what you're freaking out about, E.
I went in there to write a few sentences,
and they ambushed me with a whole expose
I wasn't ready for it. Hit "refresh," Turtle.
Nothing.
Well, the new "Variety" comes up at 10:00 p. m.
Yeah, well, it's 9:59 and it's not up yet.
- Hit "refresh. " - Relax, E.
It's just a little press.
It's his first real press, he's nervous.
Yeah, I remember my first piece of press... "Back Stage West. "
I couldn't get an audition to save my life
until my groundbreaking role as Lennie.
Headline on page 14 read
"Of Mice and the Man Known as Johnny Chase. "
Did they dub you "Candlelight Dinner Theater's Biggest and Best Retard"?
"Refresh," Turtle.
- Whoa, it's up. - Huh.
They got a picture, E.
- Good photo. - You look cute.
What's the headline say?
"The New Nepotism in Hollywood. "
Oh, Jesus Christ. You know, I knew it!
I knew it! I'm so... I'm so pissed right now.
- Sorry, E. - What's wrong with nepotism?
Hey, Vince, are you coming?
Who's that?
"A new trend is infiltrating
the already-impenetrable popular table of Hollywood. "
- You already read this. - Well, it sounds worse on real paper.
Now the whole city's reading it.
"Eric Murphy has paved the way for those like Casey Cobb,
childhood friend of Jessica Simpson,
to come and surf the wave of celebrity
in hopes of becoming a permanent fixture
in the business of the business. "
You're paving the way, that's a plus.
- Who cares, E, huh? - Yeah, who cares?
No press is bad press.
- Where are we going? - To cheer you up.
I just want to get back in the office,
figure out a way to repair the damage.
You're gonna need a new desk
to repair the damages. We got you a new desk.
- You got me a desk? Uh-huh.
This is it.
- Wow. You like?
Yeah, I love it. It's never gonna fit in my office.
Actually, E, it already does.
- Huh? - This is your office, E.
- And that's mine over there. - And mine's over there.
And I got one too, just in case we miss you.
We can all hang. - Building a sick lounge out there
- with a huge, huge plasma. - How much was this place, Vince?
E, you can't put a price on comfort.
Just enjoy it.
Thanks, Vince. Now I feel really worthless.
- Hello. Hello, Eric Murphy?
Speaking.
Hey, Peter Jackson calling from New Zealand.
Hi. Thanks for getting back to me.
Would have called you yesterday,
but no one down here knew who the hell you were.
Eric Murphy... Now you're not related to Eddie by any chance?
- Well, I'm not. - Just a little wind-up, mate.
Look, I saw the "Variety" article.
- Yeah? - Hey, don't worry.
A little media bashing every now and again
keeps us all honest.
But I'll tell you something about Ari Gold:
There's only one thing a cretin like that understands
and that's an airborne telephone right between the eyes.
Anyway, it's good to know that those of us
that want to be in the Vincent Chase business
have got a legitimate manager to talk to.
Well, thank you.
So, look, I'm... I'm actually kind of busy.
So what exactly do you want?
I wanted to talk to you about your gaming company.
Well, I'm actually gonna be in the States next week.
So why don't we do this:
Why don't we have your assistant call my assistant
and then decide what to do from there?
- How does that sound? - Great.
- Thank you. - Cheers.
- What was that? - I think I'm gonna need an assistant.