How you doing?
Hey, how you doing? Hey, honey, how are you?
If I was you, I'd save some energy for the Mansion, bro.
I got plenty of energy in my reserve tanks, Drama,
- don't you worry. - Turtle, you don't want to wind up
with a girlfriend one day before the lingerie party.
Good point. I ain't talking to none of youse.
I don't know what you guys are making a big deal about.
I've been to the Mansion, it's not that great.
You were at an afternoon fundraiser for Alzheimer's.
I don't think that's what Mr. Hefner had in mind when he opened the joint.
I'm sure he was dreaming about your fat ass
- running around the place in pajamas. - Easy, easy.
Yeah, I remember back in the day
me, Kadeem Hardison and C.T. Howell
used to sit at Hef's table surrounded by Playmates.
Now they won't even let me in the joint.
You sat at Hugh Hefner's table?
Yeah, during the Melrose years.
Don't you mean the Melrose months, Drama?
Not if you count reruns, dickhead.
Oh, don't worry, Johnny. E will have you doing laps in The Grotto.
- Right, E? - Yeah, Shauna's calling Hef's people
to see what Drama's drama is this time.
- I didn't do anything. - So, these are for the Mansion, right, Vince?
Yeah. Mom's out of town, I got the kids tonight.
Okay, well then you don't want to wear those,
because George Clooney's guy came in
and bought the exact same pair this morning.
It'd be like wearing the same gown to the Oscars.
Yeah. Nobody has these.
I will make sure that we don't sell any more for the rest of the day.
- Fancy. Thanks, Jenny. - No problem.
Don't work too hard, huh?
Vince, can you advance me six weeks' salary?
You know the system, Turtle. Ask E.
E, can I please advance six weeks' salary?
What do you need $1,200 for?
For these cashmere PJs, baby!
Turtle, mine only cost $400.
You can go to the Mansion in Underoos and still get laid.
You could go wrapped in bearer bonds and not get laid.
- Put the pajamas back. - I'm coming back for these.
Feel how soft. Feel.
Bearer bonds.
Lemon water and lettuce, Drama?
You disgust me.
It's all part of my two-day pre-Mansion regimen.
I got to look lean for the ladies.
Why don't you sleep in Saran Wrap like you did on the wrestling team?
I sucked weight in that sauna suit.
If you behave yourself, Turtle, I might just put you on my program.
Did Playboy even call back?
I'm waiting. God knows what you did to piss off Hef, Drama.
- I didn't do anything. - Wait. Can we talk about the house?
- Let's talk about it, Marvin. - There's nothing to talk about!
You guys got to get out.
The studio paid for five months and you've been there for a year.
We should rent a place with an outdoor pool anyway.
- Maybe I should buy a place. - That's a good idea.
I could be the first Chase to own his own home.
Sorry, bro. I beat you to that.
Johnny, I've been doing your taxes since 1989.
You never owned a home. What are you talking about?
Condo? Triplex? On Robertson?
South Robertson? You lived next to the 10 freeway, Drama.
That place. You only had it for six months,
and then they foreclosed on it.
That don't count.
Technically, it still makes me first.
Technically, you're a fucking moron.
- What's our price range? - What's on the burner?
We're meeting with Warner's to discuss Aquaman.
- That's what I wanna hear. - Aquaman.
You'd make a sexy superhero.
I'm going to hear what they have to say.
- Vince is gonna consider doing this. - Oh, I am?
Remember, sweetie, one for them, one for you.
Queens Boulevard was definitely one for you.
Okay, assuming I do another one for me,
how much can we spend on a house?
A million, a million-two tops.
I'll call Susan Roberts. She's the best broker in town.
$1 million, guys.
We were sharing a two-bedroom on Seward a year and a half ago.
- Not bad! - Not bad?
My mom just sold her house for $160,000,
and we had a skylight.
This is it?
Maybe this is the guesthouse,
and the real house is around back?
Craftsman's are very hot right now, Vince.
I just sold one to that actor from Smallville.
Where's Smallville?
No way. Not again.
A million bucks sure ain't what it used to be.
You're not kidding.
You can't be living in a dump like this.
- It's bad for your self-esteem. - They don't even have a pool.
You used to work at a mortuary, Turtle.
Why don't you grab a shovel and start digging?
What, E, you think we should take it?
No, definitely not.
I know it's a bit of a fixer-upper,
but you are getting in at a great price
in an up-and-coming neighborhood.
You know, to tell you the truth, Susan,
it's not exactly what we had in mind.
What did you have in mind?
Have you ever seen Cribs?
I have a Spanish estate up at Outpost.
It was Marlon Brando's old place.
I like Brando.
It's in a slightly higher price range, though.
- How slight? - Don't worry about it. It's Brando's.
I'll set it up.
Hey, Shauna.
I just got off the phone with the Playboy people.
- Drama straightened out? - He's straightened out all right.
He's banned for life. There's a better chance
- you'll see the Pope in pajamas. - Why, what'd he do?
The moron went to Hef's zoo, set all the chimps free.
- Unbelievable. - One of the monkeys
went Siegfried & Roy on Miss August,
and they said she's lost out on becoming the Saturn national spokesperson
because of the damage to her face.
Okay, look, I got to go.
What's next?
Got to get the Godiva chocolates for Star Jones.
Better make room in the fucking trunk.
This is bullshit. It was Macchio.
- "The Karate Kid" freed the monkeys? - I'm not kidding.
I took him as my "plus one."
We got wasted on Cuervo.
Next thing I know, he's standing in the Miyagi crane position
kicking the cage wide open.
Well, Hef thinks it was you.
Yeah, I know. What are we gonna do about it?
- "We," Drama? - Yeah, we.
You guys wouldn't go to the Mansion without me.
- Right? - Don't worry.
We'll bring you back a Playmate doggie bag.
Come on, guys. If Johnny doesn't go, none of us goes.
- Thanks, bro. - In fact, Ari's got to handle this,
or we're headed for dollar shots at Beefsteak Charlie's.
Fucking Drama!
Wait. They don't even have a Beefsteak Charlie's out here. Do they?
Shut up, Turtle.
I guess I'll keep my appointment for Uvasun.
First you got to come with me to get my pajamas.
- Sure. - Where you gonna get the money from?
- Don't worry about that. I got a plan.
That's an assigned space, Ari.
Fuck Peter Hill! Never heard of him.
I hope they tow you.
They don't have the balls. Trust me.
Ari, we got to call Hugh Hefner to get Drama's ban
- lifted at the Mansion. - What am I, his pimp?
- Ari. - For you, Vinnie, anything.
All I ask in return is that you say yes to Aquaman.
He's here, Ari. One step at a time.
Don't you mean one stroke at a time?
I can't give you a cash refund for this, Turtle.
It was a gift from corporate to Vince.
Come on, Cathy, hook me up.
I'll throw in an eighth of the Hack's Crip weed you like.
That's a very generous offer, Turtle,
but I'm a friend of Bill W's now.
And he's got better weed than the Hack?
"Bill W"'s code. It means she's in recovery.
Who needs to recover from weed?
Tell you what, Turtle, I'll give you a store credit.
What the fuck am I gonna do with that?
We want you in the Warner family, Vince.
I'm all about family, John.
In fact, after seeing your 200-foot yacht
in last month's Robb Report, can I call you Dad?
- Vince? - Yeah.
Do you know how long Clint Eastwood's been with this studio?
- No. - 70 years.
We give him $90 million to make movies now.
- Does whatever he wants. - I heard he uses 60 and pockets 30.
That's why he only does one take.
The point is, we don't micromanage our talent here.
No. They are very talent-friendly.
Wow, you know, I mean, this all sounds great.
And I'd love to make a movie with you guys, definitely.
It's just I don't really see myself playing a superhero,
speaking underwater, flying.
We're not talking about making a comic book fluff movie here.
No, we want this to be a darker, grittier film.
Remember, this is the studio that did Batman, right?
Not The Phantom.
What are we talking about?
Burton's Batman or Schumacher's?
Why don't you let us show you what we're talking about?
Sure.
Dana, let's bring in the suit.
Bring in the suit.
Yeah. Isn't that something?
Isn't that something?
No way I'm gonna be up on a 70-foot screen looking like an underwater Elton John.
Vinnie, the suit will not look like that on film.
Tom Cruise is, like, 5'4",
on screen he looks like Yao Ming.
- It's just a prototype, Vince. - Yeah!
Ari, it's over.
Do not mention this movie to me again.
All right, now find me something else I can do.
I'll deal with this.
How you doing, sweetheart? I got a M.A. C store credit.
- No. - $2,000 for $1,200!
Better hurry this shit up, Turtle.
We're gonna be late for our mannies and peddies.
All right, hold on. I got a M.A. C store credit here.
$2,000 for $1,200!
Or if you have a major credit card,
you can come with me to Barneys and buy me my pajamas!
All right, the suit sucks, but the script is good.
I'm telling you, Vince, this movie is gonna be a big hit,
and then you can do whatever you want.
It's weird how you're starting to sound like Ari.
No, it's weird how you always want me to agree with you.
Cashmere PJs paid in full
no thanks to your ass!
Something's wrong.
Is this Aquaman-related
or am I not going to the Mansion?
No, Ari is taking care of the Mansion,
we're not talking about Aquaman anymore.
They showed Vince the suit and he hated it.
That's 'cause Vince ain't a costume guy.
On Halloween this guy goes dressed as himself.
Thank you, Turtle!
You see, he knows me.
Maybe I should let him be my manager.
Charge you 5%. This guy's ripping you off.
You know, Vince, wearing a costume can be very liberating as an actor.
You remember how much I enjoyed being a Power Ranger.
You were a Power Ranger on CityWalk.
You were trying to get people to change their long-distance plan.
- So? It's still liberating. - Look,
Johnny, I don't wanna wear the Aquaman suit, or any other suit.
In fact, I don't want to play anyone who doesn't wear a T-shirt.
- Hey. - Is that Ari? Is that Ari?
Hey. Hold on a second.
- Okay. - Ask him about the Mansion.
Tomorrow morning? See you then.
- Yo, yo. - Relax. It's the realtor.
We're going to look at Brando's house first thing in the morning.
- Brando. - Brando.
Now that's a house worth living in.
This is one of Marlon's first homes.
He sold it to Johnny Depp in '95.
Johnny was living here when he was making Ed Wood.
Great movie.
Johnny Depp's got the kind of career I want.
Johnny Depp did Pirates ofthe Caribbean.
If I'm not mistaken, he wore a swashbuckler costume
and carried a sword.
I heard he dresses like that in real life.
Nice!
And by the way, wasn't Marlon Brando in Superman?
Yeah, he played the father, no tights.
And by the way, you're starting to annoy me.
On a clear day, you can see Catalina.
This is where you should be living, Vince.
In a kingdom, like a prince.
Don't you mean a kingdom like a king, you idiot?
Nah, E, everyone wants to kill the king.
But the prince, he just sails along
telling all the ladies, "One day I'm gonna be king."
Queen's got it pretty good too.
Queen's got to fuck the king, Drama.
Yeah, but she don't got to do nothing else.
I love this place, Susan. How much is it?
They're asking 4.3,
but the owner is a real star-fucker.
If I tell her it's for you, I'm sure she'll drop to four even.
That's great, it's only four times our price range.
But it's at least nine times nicer than that Craftsman.
So you'd still be coming back out on top.
I love your math skills, Turtle.
I'll take it. Call Marv, have him start the paperwork.
Okay.
You can't afford this house, Vince.
I can't afford anything we have. Never stopped me before.
It's always worked out.
Besides, we don't have time to house-hunt.
We got to get a job.
Ari. What's up?
I just had a tête-à-tête with Hef.
- How'd it go? - The good news is
I just sold Playboy TV to North Korea.
Kim Jong II loves Night Calls.
Bad news is, your boy Drama will not be joining us.
Ari, you carry about as much weight as Lara Flynn Boyle.
A lifetime ban is a lifetime ban.
Who are we without our integrity, right? A little break at the slipper.
That was Ari.
No go, Drama. I'm sorry.
It's not the Mansion, but we can always have chicken wings at Hooters?
Nah, this is my problem.
I'll deal with it.
- Hey, buddy. - Johnny Drama.
What the heck are you doing here?
I want you to call up Hugh Hefner
and tell him it was you that freed the monkeys.
When were you at the Playboy Mansion, Ralph?
That was over 10 years ago, honey.
My life is different now, John.
I'm a daddy.
You know?
- You crazy, fucker? - Just make the call.
I'm not into that game anymore, all right?
- I got a new series now. - Really?
Well, you know, it's a pilot.
But I don't know shit about any monkeys, Drama.
Bullshit. I remember you screaming the PETA chant
- right before you freed them. - PETA?
You got the wrong guy, asshole.
I bought my wife a chinchilla coat.
- If it wasn't you, then who did it? - How should I know?
We were drunk off our asses.
Come on, Ralph. You're married.
You got a family. You got a life.
I got nothing but the Mansion.
Can't you make the phone call?
Drama, when it comes to the Mansion,
it's every man for himself.
But you said you're done with all that.
I lied. I'm going tonight.
I ought to kick your ass.
You wanna try?
I'll deal with you later.
See you tonight, motherfucker!
I hope so, John.
Pound some Cuervo like the old days, huh?
Turtle, you know you forgot to take the price-tags off your pajamas?
I didn't forget. I'm returning these Monday.
Guy's a genius.
What's the use of spending $1,200 on PJs if nobody knows it?
You're all class, Turtle.
- Hey, Marvin. - Eric, put Vince on the phone.
It's Marvin. He wants to talk to you.
He's right here!
Hey, Marvin!
When you asked me how much you could spend on a house, what did I tell you?
- You were a little vague. - "Vague"? Bullshit!
I told you you could spend $1 million.
I'm spending less than that. The bank is coming up with the rest.
Vince, you cannot afford that house.
At best, you could last for a couple of months.
Then what? You're gonna be out on the street like your brother.
And you know what?
You don't have a younger brother like you to mooch off.
Marv, I can't hear you. You're breaking up.
I'm up in the hills...
He's angry.
Where are you going, Ari?
I have a meeting, so...
At the Playboy Mansion?
You know, Playboy Mansion, strip clubs, whorehouses...
I go where the meetings are. It's my fucking job.
I want three weeks in the south of France with the children.
Oh, my God, baby!
- Of course you can go. - With you.
And if you're not home by 2:00 a.m.,
I'm gonna be standing at the gate screaming,
"Ari Gold, super agent, forgot his Viagra!"
Sounds good.
Can you pop your trunk, please?
Trunk's broken, buddy.
Pop your trunk, please.
All right.
- Pat! - Drama, you wanna get out of there?
Hey, we got another stowaway, partner.
Pat, I've known you for, like, 10 years.
Can't you guys let me slide?
Not a shot in hell.
Do you know bringing in stowaways can get you banned for life?
It's not their fault. They didn't know I was in the car.
Guys, it was my idea.
- I told him to. - Don't listen to him.
He's my kid brother and he's trying to take the blame.
Johnny.
Go on, go have fun. Don't worry about me.
My night's done.
Can you call me a cab?
Try using your thumb down on Sunset.
Patrick.
Would you look at all the nice fake titties in this place?
I thought you liked naturals.
I believe in a woman's right to choose.
- Nice pajamas. - It's formal nightwear, but thank you.
That's it, this is proof.
God is definitely a man.
Excuse me, sweetheart.
Good luck returning those.
- Sorry.
Fuck!
Yeah!
- Hey, get out of the street, you faggot!
- Nice legs, fudge packer! - Fuck you!
Right here, college boys!
What?
Yo, Drama.
I detected a weakness in Hef's security detail.
I'm not coming back. I'm almost home already.
I took care of you as always, all right?
Just come back to where it all began, the monkey cages.
I know you don't want to talk about it right now.
I had an amazing meeting at Warner's.
Ari, please don't ruin the Mansion.
You're gonna want to hear this, believe me.
You know what I want to hear?
I want to hear what the lovely Hef girls have to say.
Look how rude you are, with your back to these lovely ladies.
They're better to look at than listen to.
What do you got? Sorry. What do you got for us?
What does the middle "A" stand for, Ari?
- Arrogant?
- Abrasive? - Argumentative?
- Annoying? - Asshole?
Et tu, Vinnie? Et tu?
You okay?
Good job, kid.
- Hey, did you see Macchio? - No.
- Keep your eyes open. - All right, come on.
Yeah, well, the thing is, once the show hits syndication,
you got to like find some tax deductions, you know.
Vince, I'm telling you...
Real estate? Best investment ever.
See, if it's not acting,
we'll make our money through real estate.
I should start commissioning some of your capital gains
so I can start seeing some income out of this relationship.
Oh, shit. Miss April.
Guys, I got to hide. I'll see you in a bit.
Guy's got three houses, we don't have one.
He's a worker, though, Vince.
The guy does a TV show, a radio show, he's a D.J.
He does a million things.
You do Aquaman, you got five houses. Boom.
Don't you need to be home to your wife, Ari?
No, I make the goddamn rules.
I got till 2:00.
What are you saying? You're pissing me off!
Don't get in my face. What are you getting in my face about?
- Just be a man and admit it! - Johnny!
- Admit you did it! - I told you I didn't do it.
- Admit it! - I didn't do it!
I already told you that, you ex-evening soap star!
- I did an indie, asshole! - Excuse me. Johnny!
Johnny Chase. The Monkey Boy.
- Hef. - Vince.
- How are you? - Good to see you.
Johnny's my brother,
and he swears it wasn't him that let the monkeys free.
Well, what's the real story, John?
Well, Mr. Hefner, I'm not one to rat,
but it was this guy that sprung the apes.
With all due respect, Mr. Hefner,
I never went near that zoo, never.
Well, you boys better remember who did,
or you're both out of here.
It was a long time ago.
And we were so drunk.
We were sitting at that table by The Grotto over there.
We were banging out shots of Cuervo and...
It was me and you and...
Pauly!
Let the fuck go of me!
That's my fucking bad arm, you piece of shits!
They shouldn't be locked up in cages in this house and you know it.
I'm gonna fucking get you, bro!
- Get him out of here. - Lifetime ban, Pauly.
Oh, bro, no!
I think he just called Hugh Hefner "bro."
- I'm sorry, guys.
Sorry, Vince.
- Thank you, Mr. Hefner. - You have a good time.
- Thank you, Mr. Heffner. - And behave yourselves.
- We will. - I appreciate it.
Thanks, Hef! Good night!
Yes, I'm back.
- Bro, thank you! - Of course.
Ralph, man, sorry about that.
- I had you wrong. - Come on, let's get a drink.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll talk about that pilot.
Listen, there's nothing in it for you.
Hey, Vince, we gonna throw parties like this at the new house?
No. E doesn't think we can afford the new house.
E's a fucking buzz kill.
I thought you don't need all the toys, Vince?
Yeah, I don't need them. I like them.
The worst thing that happens is they kick you out.
They give you time to pack up your shit, bro, trust me.
They ain't kicking us out, all right?
Vince is a superstar.
If it ain't this, it's something else.
M.C. Hammer could've used a guy like you, Turtle, back in the day.
I don't know about you, but I'm in this for the long haul.
Oh, yeah, what do you think we're in it for?
Well, I don't know. Did you really hate the script?
No. I mean, I liked it.
I don't wanna end up looking like an idiot on the screen.
Wow. I've never seen you this insecure.
I'm not insecure. I'm just not confident enough to think
- that I can be a superhero. - Now that I see an opening,
Warner's is willing to bank $100 million
on the fact that you are a superhero.
They loved you so much in the meeting today,
they want to shoot back-to-back movies, like Lord ofthe Rings.
That do anything for your confidence? They wanna give you
five for the first, seven for the second.
God willing, if there is a third,
they want to give you 12. Boom!
That's like $50-fucking-million, Vince.
No, it's 12.
That's $1.2 million for E.
And I'm still gonna be making $200 a week?
That's bullshit, Vince. Raise!
Vince, you wanna buy that house? Do this movie.
All right.
Can you get me suit approval?
You can wear tube socks and a yarmulka!
All right, fuck it. Lock it down.
That's what I'm talking about!
Nice working, baby!
Hey, you know, Aquaman's got a brother.
I'm just saying.
I'm telling you he's got a brother.
God damn, I wish I wasn't married!
"Aqua-brother" right here.
He's betting you the 0.2! It was 1.2!
I'm telling you, Aquaman's got a brother.
No, he doesn't.
We need more jungle juice for the kids!