♪ I'm not sick but I'm not well ♪
♪ And I'm so hot 'cause I'm in hell ♪
- You don't have one that just says you are 40 years old?
- Um, we have life begins at 40 or 40 today.
- No, I want one that reads
Jeremy, you are 40 years old.
- Do you need old?
- I think it rounds it off nicely.
- [Mark Voiceover] I'm gonna make Jeremy turn 40
whether he likes it or not.
- Do you have a fax machine?
- A fax machine?
- I know, willfully perverse,
but I'm trying to get in touch with someone
who for whatever reason won't return my calls.
I'm not some oddball though.
It's not worrying.
- [Mark Voiceover] Good to let him know it's not worrying.
He can't worry now.
I'm kidding myself.
April's never gonna call me.
- Wow, three nights on the go.
That is major, huh?
- Perfect.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] So tired, so very tired.
Must eat toast.
- I'll see you, Mark.
- [Mark Voiceover] Of course she won't call me.
I made the fatal error of letting her get to know me.
- You okay?
- I'm fine.
I think I might shortly die but I'm fine.
Three day drug binge.
- Oh, your favorite.
Celebration for the birthday boy?
- You're not planning a party or anything, are you?
- No, mate.
- 'Cause I definitely don't want a party.
- Well, I'm definitely not planning one so relax.
- [Mark Voiceover] You're going to have a party to remember,
my elderly friend.
- Good, because I told Joe I'll be 39 tomorrow.
- Why?
- I don't know.
40 is basically 50 and 50 is dead, whereas 39 is like 35.
35 is practically 30.
30 is 20.
You know?
- Not entirely.
- He's 30 next year.
For a few months, theoretically,
we can be in our 30s together.
- I think I see.
- 29 and 40? No.
29 and 39? Okay.
31 and 42? No.
16 and 26? Better.
- You're just saying numbers now, Jeremy.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] Right.
I'm gonna have the most horribly healthy fucking lunch
and then do a sit-up and maybe a press-up?
- Oh, a sprout sandwich.
Are you on a health kick?
- I need the vitamins.
- [Mark] Why?
- Got to try and keep up with Joe.
He's so fucking full of life.
- Is this his?
The Golden Fountain?
- No, it's mine.
It's about the beneficial properties
of our body's most magnificent product,
the human vitamin drunk.
- Piss?
- Urine is packed with nutrients.
- That your body was too foolish to extract
at first time of asking.
- Why do the Ochomojo people live to 100, Mark?
- I don't know, Jeremy.
Because you just made them up?
- Because they take the original vaccine,
the watery battery, the mellow yellow.
- [Mark Voiceover] Drinking your own piss?
- The golden fountain.
Come on, Jez.
What's next?
The chocolate factory?
- No, not the chocolate factory.
That's horrible.
- [Mark Voiceover] He's got the book,
but he'd never actually. (groans)
- Oh god, you're not keeping it in the fridge?
- Best served chilled.
- I need to head to work.
- I thought you were off today?
- An emergency meeting.
Special project or something.
Johnson seemed very jazzed.
Oh, not with a sandwich and not as your drink.
- Be quiet when you come back.
I'm gonna pull myself off and sleep for 100 years.
- Fine.
Good bye, Rip Van Wankle.
- [Mark Voiceover] (laughs) I'm wasted on him.
I should be living with Graham Norton and Dorothy Parker.
- Hey, Alan.
What's up, captain?
What's the skinny on the dope?
- Good morning, Mr. Corrigan.
- Mr. Corrigan?
- [Mark Voiceover] Do I smell corporate lube?
Am I about to get organizationally fucked?
- Is that Baker from regional?
What is this, Alan?
- I'm sorry, Mark.
You've just stepped into the arena naked.
In the manner of seconds,
wild beasts are gonna fly to your delicate areas
and tear you to shreds.
- Is this about the permanent markers?
- Hm?
- 'Cause I needed them at home for projects.
- Ah, sorry, mate.
You're getting shit-canned, Mark.
You're getting fucked by a flag pole
in your tiny little vagina.
- Jeff!
- Yeah, I had a rifle through my old address book.
- I'm in and you're out.
- What?
But can't you do anything?
- I'm sorry, Mark.
You're contaminated.
You're the astronaut with typhoid
and I'm gonna stand well back
while you're fired out of the airlock.
- [Mark Voiceover] No, Alan.
Remember all the good times, Alan.
- So, Mr. Corrigan, it has been brought to our attention
that you certified a loan to a friend of yourself,
ticking the certification boxes
without adequate document checks.
This is gross negligence and we're dismissing you forthwith.
- I'm sorry.
Which loan was this?
- To a Mr. Usborne, Jeremy.
- It's come to light due a complaint.
- What complaint?
Who complained?
- Mr. Usborne has been in contact to say that he believes
that the granting of this loan to him
was out of proportion with the just working of the universe.
He does not wish to be responsible for another grease.
And he's claiming mental incapacity
due to the influence of the internet
reducing his attention span against his own will.
- But I can get the money back.
I know him.
I can get it back.
I'll jam a biro in his eye and drag him in here today!
- That may be your way of operating, Mr. Corrigan,
but it's certainly not ours.
- [Mark Voiceover] Shafted by a piss addict.
- I've cleared out your desk, mate.
Your wet wipes and your mega puzzler.
- [Mark Voiceover] I'm hung out to try.
I'm human laundry.
Oh Jeff, Jerry, and Johnson.
A trilogy of shit.
- Jeremy.
Jeremy!
- Mark?
I'm trying to sleep.
- I just wanted to let you know
that I am now going to punch you on the nose.
- What?
- Oh, fuck!
We don't hit.
That's the rule.
Or are we hitting now?
- [Mark Voiceover] Cold brown.
No job, no woman, no jam, just cold brown.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] Okay, I redunded him.
He face plowed me.
We're equals-pequals.
- Oh, not still with the silent treatment?
For fuck's sake.
- [Mark Voiceover] I love the silent treatment.
The cold, impervious wall.
- I didn't want you to get fired.
I just wanted my extortion payments written off.
You were the one who sold me
the ball crushing loan in the first place.
You started it.
Hm? Eh?
- [Mark Voiceover] He's not luring me back in like that
with a lovely savage argument.
- Come on, let's have it out.
- [Mark Voiceover] Appealing but no dice.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] This is unbearable.
I'm gonna make him come out and fight like a man,
push it to breaking point.
- Can I have some of your milk?
- [Mark Voiceover] He wouldn't.
Not my lovely, white milk.
- Hm?
I'll take that as a yes.
Do say when you want me to stop.
- [Mark Voiceover] He's milking me.
- No?
I'll fill her right up then.
- [Mark Voiceover] He's got his hands on my udders
and he's actually milking me.
- I'll just get rid of these.
Oops, apologies.
I'll just tidy these away.
- [Mark Voiceover] I will prevail.
He can't hurt me with his Rice Krispie blitz.
London can take it.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] What am I gonna do now?
Cover him in milk and start licking him?
(doorbell ringing)
I'm not gonna lick him.
(phone ringing)
- [Mark Voiceover] April?
God love the facts and all the old ways.
- I need a bit of head space.
Molly, she's a beast, mate.
Marmite in the marg.
She's a slob.
My peppermint shower gel
just laying on its fucking side oozing.
What's that all about?
I can't live like that.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] He's never smelled of peppermint.
- Are you alright?
- Yeah, fine, knackered.
Three day bender
and then Mark got fired 'cause of me
and I couldn't sleep 'cause of the guilt.
- Yeah.
- And now he's not speaking to me.
- She piles her dirty socks in the basket
even though it's already overflowing.
And I'm like what, do you think it's gonna eat them
like the fucking Cookie Monster, love?
- [Jeremy Voiceover] Shush, Hans.
I'm trying to think about myself.
- Hang on.
Mark, did you piss in my piss
'cause this piss looks funny.
I don't mind drinking my piss, but your piss,
that's over the line.
- I understand.
Well, thanks for calling.
Goodbye, April.
- You alright, mate?
- Super Hans, will you please inform your friend,
Specimen A, that I'm not talking to him.
- No, mate, not now.
It's Molly.
I'm in fucking bits.
- Well, likewise.
April's gone back to her husband for good.
It's over.
Everything's over.
- I'm sorry, Mark.
I'm sorry your life is ruined and it's partly my fault.
- Is there a buzzing?
An irritating, backstabbing sort of buzzing?
- Oh god, don't be such a wanker.
- He wanted his loan written off and well, he succeeded.
- [Jeremy] Yes!
Sorry.
- But he's lost a friend in the process.
- Molly's end is on Corrie.
Corrie 'til I die.
It's a sign, isn't it?
You've got to choose.
You can't be City and United, can you?
- Look, Hans, can you shut up?
Because as we speak, the love of my life
is buying cruise tickets with her husband on the High Street
with the intention of sailing away forever
and I'd very much like to sit here
and watch a property-based reality show while she does it.
- Look, mate.
I can't just let you sit there feeling sorry for yourself.
Let's bloody well go and stop her.
- If I wanted to stop her,
the last person I'd ask for help
is the most thoughtless, selfish, venal idiot
I've ever met in my life.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] He's talking to me.
I win!
- Mark, I'm gonna help you save the day with April.
I'm gonna be your love butler.
Come on, let's at least go and spy
in case there's something to be done.
Yeah?
- [Mark Voiceover] Hm, I suppose it might be better
than having a cry and a Cornetto.
- I haven't forgiven you by the way.
- I know.
You don't have to tell me after every sentence.
- I just want it to be clear.
- It is clear.
- Good.
- You just need to be ready, Mark,
ready to get April on her own and tell her how you feel.
- Love's hard, mate.
Fucking hard.
It doesn't work.
It breaks, but you gotta give it a go.
Norwich is never gonna win the league,
but they still turn up every week, don't they?
The pricks.
- If you want, I could try to get in there,
waggle the old cock about a bit.
- As in?
- I don't know.
Maybe try and make Angus fall in love with me?
Fuck him if need be.
- Why does every solution you come up with
involve fucking someone?
- It's just an idea.
- Do you think the sit around in the cabinet
talking about sending Philip Hammond over
to fuck Hollande to sort out the euro?
- Oi, Godley and Creme.
They're on the move.
- [Jeremy] Oh, body language doesn't look great.
- It does look a little testy.
- He's off.
Closing time in the last chance saloon, Mark.
Time to grab your nuts and splurge!
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
- Oh fuck!
I'm gonna do something.
- Be the canary.
Full fucking Delia.
- I don't know what you mean.
- You go, girl!
- This still doesn't mean I've forgiven you.
- [Hans] Aw, he is so fucked.
- [Mark] April!
- Mark?
What are you doing here?
- I just bumped into you.
- Well, no, you just ran around the corner after me.
- No, right, I mean, I just.
Look, could we grab a coffee for five minutes?
I've got a couple of things I need to say.
- [Mark Voiceover] Got the coffee.
Disregard the price.
The price of the coffee is irrelevant.
- Thanks, Mark.
- No biggie.
I mean, God knows how they can charge so much.
They're certainly not spending it on lampshade.
- [Mark Voiceover] Hello, dad.
You're living inside me now, are you?
- Yeah, so the flight's at midnight to Athens.
The ferry leaves tomorrow.
All the islands except Korfu.
- Oh, not Korfu.
Why not Korfu?
- [Mark Voiceover] He asked innocently.
- 'Cause that's where Angus had his au pair.
- Oh, of course.
Sorry, I'd forgotten.
Sorry to drag all that up again, all the resentment, sorry.
Idiot.
- It's fine.
- Anyway, what I wanted to say just before you go
and if you want me to stop, just say,
but yeah, I basically think that you're just so funny,
and clever, and brilliant,
and I really am sorry if that makes things difficult,
but I think it's only fair that you should know
that I think we'd be great together.
I mean, I know I'm not perfect.
In fact, I'm not even probably average.
I'm a misshapen potato, an oddball.
- [Mark Voiceover] Feel free to disagree, April.
- I'm mean-spirited and I only really like hearing
about other people's holidays when they've been disastrous.
But I really, really like you.
In fact, in all honesty, I love you.
- Look.
It was really weird the last time we saw each other.
You burying your wife in a pit of bulls.
- Ex-wife and more hiding than burying, but point taken.
- The truth is I do have feelings.
- [Mark Voiceover] Feelings!
- And not all has been easy with Angus.
Just had a mini-row
because he didn't want to spend an extra 300 pounds
on cabin with a porthole.
If you're gonna be on a boat for three months,
you want a porthole.
- Of course you do.
(laughs) Who wouldn't?
- [Mark Voiceover] 300 quid
pissed straight out the porthole?
Correct call, Angus.
- Wow.
Okay.
Wow.
- What?
- It's Angus.
He's been having a think
and he's not sure we should go on this cruise.
- Oh, oh right.
- [Mark Voiceover] Furrow the brow.
Furrow the brow to hide the smile.
- Apparently now he wants to go to Ibiza alone.
- [Mark Voiceover] Alone?
- See you.
Do what the fuck you want.
Goodbye.
- [Mark Voiceover] I've won.
It's like I'm Napoleon invading Moscow
and the czars fucked off to Ibiza!
I've conquered the whole of Russia!
I've only gone and won.
- Mark.
How's it going, you lovely Rotter?
- Everything's coming up roses.
April and I just had an overpriced coffee
and did it in the toilets.
- Excellent.
- April loves doing it in toilets.
In fact, 100% of the times we've done it,
we've done it in toilets.
I can't wait to do it in a bed.
- It'll be amazing.
- But the big news is that Angus texted her
to say that he's fucked off to Ibiza of all places
leaving the coast clear
for me to go off with his wife on the cruise.
Me and April, April and me.
- Man, that is so great.
I am really happy for you.
You deserve that.
- Look, I just wanted to say
I know things have been a bit difficult between us
over the last day or so,
what, with the punching and the blanking,
but you're a good friend,
although I still haven't totally forgiven you, mate.
- I wouldn't have expected you to, mate.
(honking)
(man moaning)
- [Hans] Shut the fuck up.
- What was that?
- I've done something brilliant, Mark.
(man yelling)
- [Hans] Shut it!
- What the fuck have you done?
- I know it's my birthday, not yours,
but I got you a lovely present
to say sorry for making you lose your job,
and never paying you any rent,
and for falling in love with Dobby, for everything.
- [Mark Voiceover] Fuck.
Angus.
- Jesus.
Angus, are you okay?
- It's fine.
I wanted to come.
Could I possibly get a glass of water?
They said they were gonna chop my penis off
and put it into another orifice.
- Oh Angus, shush.
Bants, mad bants.
- They said they had a rock with a rock in it.
They made me drink urine, Mark, human urine.
- He greedily gulped from a bedside bottle
that happened to be from the golden source.
- Let me go, Mark.
Will you let me go please?
- Angus, you must know I had nothing to do with this.
- Here you go, you naughty monkey.
Drink it nicely this time, not gulpy.
- Did you send the texts?
- Yes.
I was worried Ibiza was too much.
Was it too much?
- What the fuck have you done, Jeremy?
- I've done a good one.
I've cleared the coast.
The coast is clear.
- The coast is not clear.
We're all going to prison.
You've gone totally loopy.
You kidnapped Angus.
- Or did I invite an unstable oddball
for a lift in Hans's van,
then back to here for a snifter,
then he accidentally got locked in my room for a few hours?
It's our word against his.
- This is bad.
This is really bad.
- This is brilliant and it totally worked.
You're back with April.
- Yes, until she finds out.
I mean, what's the long term plan?
- The long term plan is sucky fucky.
- Sucky fucky is not a long term plan!
- Look, how long's the cruise for?
Months.
Chuck a phone off the boat first day.
Butter fingers.
Then work on her, cement things.
You're in pole position.
- She does hate her phone.
- Exactly.
- I think we let him go and I take the hit.
- No, Mark.
Sail off into the sunset
and let your love butler take care of business.
- (constrained yelling) Fuck it!
Alright.
Leave him in there for now.
- Correct decision.
There's always a dark side of love.
Someone's always gonna get a little bit kidnapped.
(doorbell ringing)
Who's that?
- Surprise.
- Oh for fuck's sake, Mark!
I told you I didn't want a fucking surprise party.
- I thought you were just hiding your true feelings.
- When have I ever hidden my true feelings?
(Angus moaning)
- History man's getting a bit wriggly.
I think he needs restringing.
- Give him a poke.
- I'm not giving him a poke.
I'm not a fucking hired goon.
Who's on shift? Mark?
- I'm not doing a shift.
This is insane.
- Relax.
Everything's gonna be fine.
You're the British people.
We're Blair and Bush.
We'll do the rendition.
You just have a glass of wine
and pretend nothing's happening.
(doorbell ringing)
Alright, gag him, Hans. (Angus moaning)
- April?
- [Mark Voiceover] Tell her we're leaving.
- Hi, Mark.
- How the hell are you?
- [Mark Voiceover] Oh god she's coming in.
Just act normal.
Don't arouse suspicion.
- Oh, shall I do the do with the party stuff?
- Oh yeah.
- [Mark Voiceover] Don't open the door.
- Hi.
- [Mark Voiceover] She didn't see, she didn't see.
Calm down, Mark.
- The kangaroo is tied down, sport.
- [Mark Voiceover] He's not a kangaroo.
He's an eminent theologian.
- Hello, Jeremy.
Surprise.
- Come on in.
Thanks for coming, but put that in the fridge if you want.
- Why did you invite her?
She hates me.
I stole her boyfriend.
- Sorry, but when I was doing the invites,
it became clear that you've betrayed everyone
you've ever been close to.
I think that's why the majority declined.
- Hi, Jeremy.
- Oh hi, Molly.
- Happy birthday.
I guess that's what you're meant to say.
- Go on through.
I wouldn't say we were scraping the barrel,
but well, you've just not been great at keeping in touch.
- Hey, Jez.
(smooching)
You look tired.
- Yeah, well, I'm definitely not.
- So I got you a present.
- Tickets?
- It's your dream trip.
We leave after the party, dance 'til dawn,
party bus to Derby, night out,
fly to Belfast, rave, get on the party boat to Bristol.
Yes, it really exists.
We stay up for a week.
- Stay up for a week.
Oh right.
So what, no sleeping at all?
- We'll have naughties to keep us going
but we can sleep when we're dead.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] Which will be within a week.
- Okay, come in everyone.
- Happy birthday, Jeremy.
39 today.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] Second year in a row.
- Here's the Jeremy and three amazing months on the Med.
- [Mark Voiceover] Oh shit.
Filibuster.
Don't turn.
(laughs) Great.
I tell you what I would like to do for Jeremy
is a filibuster.
I mean, a speech!
- Oh, okay.
- [Mark Voiceover] Now, I've got to make a fucking speech!
- You're 40 today?
- Yeah, apparently.
That's what the banner says.
- But you said you were 38 turning 39.
- Did I?
Yeah, maybe.
I forget.
Yeah, 38, 39, 40, in that area.
- You definitely said you were turning 39, the big 3-9.
- It's not a big deal.
Whatever.
- So why lie?
- I didn't.
I just misspoke.
- It's fine.
It's just it's weird that you wouldn't think it's fine.
- Look, Joe, I'm sorry, but the truth is I'm 40
and I don't want to go raving for a week.
I want to stay up to about one
and then go to bed and listen to my Mr. Nice audiobook.
- Bed at one?
One isn't even the night.
- It is, Joe.
Look, I can't rave all day and fuck all night.
And honestly, I don't even like drinking my own piss.
- You drink your own piss?
- Yes.
I eat cashews and I drink my own piss and it doesn't work.
I'm never gonna be young, dumb,
and full of cum ever again and that's that.
- Fine, I get it.
- I want to come with you, but I'm just scared I might die.
- Maybe I'll ask Megan if she wants to come instead.
- Joe.
Don't go, Joe.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] Oh, I've driven him away
with my horrible oldness.
Yeah, Megan, you're 29 now,
but one day, you'll be like 56.
- Speech.
- Speech! - Speech!
- [April] Come on, Mark, and start.
- [Mark Voiceover] Here it goes.
Quick speech and then cruise.
- Jeremy, what can I say?
A man I know very well indeed.
- [Mark Voiceover] That's probably as far
as I can truthfully go on the endearment stakes.
- He's not a great man.
He's not a wise man.
He's not always a good man.
- [Mark Voiceover] Okay, where am I going?
- But he is a nice man up to a point and I like him.
- [Mark Voiceover] There, I've said it.
Hope he's happy.
(guests applauding)
- [April] Speech, Jez.
- Speech. - Speech.
- Um, thanks, Mark.
We're quite a gang obviously, us two.
Brains and the funny one.
The old stick up his ass, boring jumper one,
and the sexy pep up the party, acid in the punch bowl one.
- [Mark Voiceover] He loves triggering mental illness.
- But we get on pretty well.
I mean, we have our ups and downs like any couple.
- [Mark Voiceover] Hold on.
If Hans is here, who's with the hostage?
Oh god, I've got an unattended hostage!
- And a boring bastard sometimes,
but at the end of the day,
we've lived together for shit long and it's been alright.
(guests applauding)
- [Mark Voiceover] Oh fuck, got to keep the attention.
- Yeah, and if I could just say one more thing,
Jeremy, Jez, please always keep on being you.
- [Mark Voiceover] Totally meaningless.
I'm going to get rumbled.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] That is sweet.
That might be the nicest thing he's ever said.
- Oi, April! - Angus?
- [Mark Voiceover] Oh fuck!
Oh fuck, oh fuck!
- Mark?
- Help.
Don't let them kill me.
- Oh, Angus, don't be a big silly.
- We were just hanging out.
It's all fine.
- He said he was gonna cut my willy off
and put it into my bottom.
- Jokey, I said it jokey, Angus.
You gotta admit that, right?
- Simon.
- What's going on, Mark?
- This has nothing to do with Mark or Hans.
It's all my doing.
- It's all your doing?
- Angus wanted stuff done to him.
I wasn't into it.
It's all pretty disgusting.
I don't want to go into details, but it's complicated.
We'll probably never fully understand like Stonehenge.
- Mark knew.
Mark saw it all.
They got me outside the travel agency.
- Molly.
For fuck's sake.
- [Mark Voiceover] Who could have possibly predicted
that falsely imprisoning a love rival
would turn out so badly?
Only a genius.
- [Mark] April, don't go!
- [Mark Voiceover] A real night to remember
like the Titanic.
- Right, well, it's over with Molly.
Apparently I'm not even allowed
to do a little fucking naughty kidnap.
So bollocks to it.
I'm gonna van it to Macedonia.
Finally set up the moped rental.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Laters.
- See ya.
Are we gonna be alright?
- [Announcer] The project to reintroduce wolves
into this habitat has been controversial.
- That's the last thing I need.
Now, they're bringing back wolves.
- Oh god, I am so tired.
- What next?
Bring back smallpox?
We all had fun with the smallpox, didn't we?
Is it time smallpox had a reboot?
- Mark, will you pull me off?
- I'm not about to pull you off, Jeremy.
And if you think about it,
I'm sure you don't really want me to.
- Sure, whatever.
I just thought it might be comforting.
- What about I read to you from Napoleon's correspondence?
- If I was gonna kill you, I'd have a great sign off.
- Yeah?
- You always loved history, Mark.
Well now, you can be part of it.
Bang.
- Yeah, not bad, not bad at all.
I think I'd just come at you in the night,
pillow on the face, cock.
- Yeah, that's you all over.
- [Jeremy Voiceover] Aw, we do love each other really.
- [Mark Voiceover] I simply must get rid of him.
(wolves howling)
(rock music)
♪ Paranoia, paranoia ♪
♪ Everybody's comin' to get me ♪
♪ Just say you never met me ♪
♪ I'm runnin' underground with the moles ♪
♪ Diggin' holes ♪