1 00:00:09,059 --> 00:00:13,448 ♪ I'm not sick but I'm not well ♪ 2 00:00:13,448 --> 00:00:17,781 ♪ And I'm so hot 'cause I'm in hell ♪ 3 00:00:26,507 --> 00:00:30,780 - You don't have one that just says you are 40 years old? 4 00:00:30,780 --> 00:00:34,640 - Um, we have life begins at 40 or 40 today. 5 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,660 - No, I want one that reads 6 00:00:37,660 --> 00:00:41,490 Jeremy, you are 40 years old. 7 00:00:41,490 --> 00:00:42,450 - Do you need old? 8 00:00:42,450 --> 00:00:43,720 - I think it rounds it off nicely. 9 00:00:43,720 --> 00:00:45,780 - [Mark Voiceover] I'm gonna make Jeremy turn 40 10 00:00:45,780 --> 00:00:46,613 whether he likes it or not. 11 00:00:46,613 --> 00:00:48,390 - Do you have a fax machine? 12 00:00:48,390 --> 00:00:49,223 - A fax machine? 13 00:00:49,223 --> 00:00:50,810 - I know, willfully perverse, 14 00:00:50,810 --> 00:00:52,480 but I'm trying to get in touch with someone 15 00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:55,680 who for whatever reason won't return my calls. 16 00:00:55,680 --> 00:00:57,850 I'm not some oddball though. 17 00:00:57,850 --> 00:00:59,260 It's not worrying. 18 00:00:59,260 --> 00:01:01,080 - [Mark Voiceover] Good to let him know it's not worrying. 19 00:01:01,080 --> 00:01:02,273 He can't worry now. 20 00:01:04,150 --> 00:01:05,360 I'm kidding myself. 21 00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:06,840 April's never gonna call me. 22 00:01:06,840 --> 00:01:08,803 - Wow, three nights on the go. 23 00:01:09,980 --> 00:01:11,350 That is major, huh? 24 00:01:11,350 --> 00:01:12,282 - Perfect. 25 00:01:12,282 --> 00:01:14,280 - [Jeremy Voiceover] So tired, so very tired. 26 00:01:14,280 --> 00:01:17,033 Must eat toast. 27 00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:20,368 - I'll see you, Mark. 28 00:01:20,368 --> 00:01:21,550 - [Mark Voiceover] Of course she won't call me. 29 00:01:21,550 --> 00:01:24,040 I made the fatal error of letting her get to know me. 30 00:01:24,040 --> 00:01:24,990 - You okay? 31 00:01:24,990 --> 00:01:25,823 - I'm fine. 32 00:01:25,823 --> 00:01:29,310 I think I might shortly die but I'm fine. 33 00:01:29,310 --> 00:01:30,630 Three day drug binge. 34 00:01:30,630 --> 00:01:32,140 - Oh, your favorite. 35 00:01:32,140 --> 00:01:33,860 Celebration for the birthday boy? 36 00:01:33,860 --> 00:01:35,770 - You're not planning a party or anything, are you? 37 00:01:35,770 --> 00:01:36,603 - No, mate. 38 00:01:36,603 --> 00:01:37,860 - 'Cause I definitely don't want a party. 39 00:01:37,860 --> 00:01:40,517 - Well, I'm definitely not planning one so relax. 40 00:01:40,517 --> 00:01:42,670 - [Mark Voiceover] You're going to have a party to remember, 41 00:01:42,670 --> 00:01:44,140 my elderly friend. 42 00:01:44,140 --> 00:01:46,850 - Good, because I told Joe I'll be 39 tomorrow. 43 00:01:46,850 --> 00:01:47,683 - Why? 44 00:01:47,683 --> 00:01:48,516 - I don't know. 45 00:01:48,516 --> 00:01:53,120 40 is basically 50 and 50 is dead, whereas 39 is like 35. 46 00:01:53,120 --> 00:01:54,100 35 is practically 30. 47 00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:55,430 30 is 20. 48 00:01:55,430 --> 00:01:56,263 You know? 49 00:01:56,263 --> 00:01:57,096 - Not entirely. 50 00:01:57,096 --> 00:01:58,240 - He's 30 next year. 51 00:01:58,240 --> 00:01:59,980 For a few months, theoretically, 52 00:01:59,980 --> 00:02:01,460 we can be in our 30s together. 53 00:02:01,460 --> 00:02:02,310 - I think I see. 54 00:02:02,310 --> 00:02:03,950 - 29 and 40? No. 55 00:02:03,950 --> 00:02:05,930 29 and 39? Okay. 56 00:02:05,930 --> 00:02:07,267 31 and 42? No. 57 00:02:07,267 --> 00:02:09,730 16 and 26? Better. 58 00:02:09,730 --> 00:02:12,046 - You're just saying numbers now, Jeremy. 59 00:02:12,046 --> 00:02:12,879 - [Jeremy Voiceover] Right. 60 00:02:12,879 --> 00:02:14,670 I'm gonna have the most horribly healthy fucking lunch 61 00:02:14,670 --> 00:02:18,310 and then do a sit-up and maybe a press-up? 62 00:02:18,310 --> 00:02:19,750 - Oh, a sprout sandwich. 63 00:02:19,750 --> 00:02:20,850 Are you on a health kick? 64 00:02:20,850 --> 00:02:22,110 - I need the vitamins. 65 00:02:22,110 --> 00:02:22,947 - [Mark] Why? 66 00:02:22,947 --> 00:02:24,600 - Got to try and keep up with Joe. 67 00:02:24,600 --> 00:02:26,850 He's so fucking full of life. 68 00:02:26,850 --> 00:02:27,740 - Is this his? 69 00:02:27,740 --> 00:02:29,040 The Golden Fountain? 70 00:02:29,040 --> 00:02:29,873 - No, it's mine. 71 00:02:29,873 --> 00:02:31,130 It's about the beneficial properties 72 00:02:31,130 --> 00:02:33,030 of our body's most magnificent product, 73 00:02:33,030 --> 00:02:34,500 the human vitamin drunk. 74 00:02:34,500 --> 00:02:35,333 - Piss? 75 00:02:35,333 --> 00:02:37,120 - Urine is packed with nutrients. 76 00:02:37,120 --> 00:02:39,180 - That your body was too foolish to extract 77 00:02:39,180 --> 00:02:40,340 at first time of asking. 78 00:02:40,340 --> 00:02:42,918 - Why do the Ochomojo people live to 100, Mark? 79 00:02:42,918 --> 00:02:43,880 - I don't know, Jeremy. 80 00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:44,960 Because you just made them up? 81 00:02:44,960 --> 00:02:47,150 - Because they take the original vaccine, 82 00:02:47,150 --> 00:02:48,960 the watery battery, the mellow yellow. 83 00:02:48,960 --> 00:02:51,370 - [Mark Voiceover] Drinking your own piss? 84 00:02:51,370 --> 00:02:52,660 - The golden fountain. 85 00:02:52,660 --> 00:02:54,070 Come on, Jez. 86 00:02:54,070 --> 00:02:54,903 What's next? 87 00:02:54,903 --> 00:02:55,830 The chocolate factory? 88 00:02:55,830 --> 00:02:57,780 - No, not the chocolate factory. 89 00:02:57,780 --> 00:02:58,630 That's horrible. 90 00:02:58,630 --> 00:02:59,463 - [Mark Voiceover] He's got the book, 91 00:02:59,463 --> 00:03:00,550 but he'd never actually. (groans) 92 00:03:00,550 --> 00:03:03,510 - Oh god, you're not keeping it in the fridge? 93 00:03:03,510 --> 00:03:04,659 - Best served chilled. 94 00:03:04,659 --> 00:03:06,547 - I need to head to work. 95 00:03:06,547 --> 00:03:07,990 - I thought you were off today? 96 00:03:07,990 --> 00:03:09,530 - An emergency meeting. 97 00:03:09,530 --> 00:03:11,240 Special project or something. 98 00:03:11,240 --> 00:03:13,610 Johnson seemed very jazzed. 99 00:03:13,610 --> 00:03:17,683 Oh, not with a sandwich and not as your drink. 100 00:03:19,530 --> 00:03:21,110 - Be quiet when you come back. 101 00:03:21,110 --> 00:03:23,260 I'm gonna pull myself off and sleep for 100 years. 102 00:03:23,260 --> 00:03:24,200 - Fine. 103 00:03:24,200 --> 00:03:26,065 Good bye, Rip Van Wankle. 104 00:03:26,065 --> 00:03:28,260 - [Mark Voiceover] (laughs) I'm wasted on him. 105 00:03:28,260 --> 00:03:31,163 I should be living with Graham Norton and Dorothy Parker. 106 00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:34,253 - Hey, Alan. 107 00:03:34,253 --> 00:03:35,086 What's up, captain? 108 00:03:35,086 --> 00:03:36,140 What's the skinny on the dope? 109 00:03:36,140 --> 00:03:37,770 - Good morning, Mr. Corrigan. 110 00:03:37,770 --> 00:03:39,360 - Mr. Corrigan? 111 00:03:39,360 --> 00:03:41,250 - [Mark Voiceover] Do I smell corporate lube? 112 00:03:41,250 --> 00:03:43,530 Am I about to get organizationally fucked? 113 00:03:43,530 --> 00:03:46,380 - Is that Baker from regional? 114 00:03:46,380 --> 00:03:47,340 What is this, Alan? 115 00:03:47,340 --> 00:03:48,180 - I'm sorry, Mark. 116 00:03:48,180 --> 00:03:50,050 You've just stepped into the arena naked. 117 00:03:50,050 --> 00:03:50,883 In the manner of seconds, 118 00:03:50,883 --> 00:03:53,459 wild beasts are gonna fly to your delicate areas 119 00:03:53,459 --> 00:03:54,292 and tear you to shreds. 120 00:03:54,292 --> 00:03:56,260 - Is this about the permanent markers? 121 00:03:56,260 --> 00:03:57,093 - Hm? 122 00:03:57,093 --> 00:03:59,450 - 'Cause I needed them at home for projects. 123 00:03:59,450 --> 00:04:00,935 - Ah, sorry, mate. 124 00:04:00,935 --> 00:04:02,810 You're getting shit-canned, Mark. 125 00:04:02,810 --> 00:04:04,470 You're getting fucked by a flag pole 126 00:04:04,470 --> 00:04:06,120 in your tiny little vagina. 127 00:04:06,120 --> 00:04:07,010 - Jeff! 128 00:04:07,010 --> 00:04:08,730 - Yeah, I had a rifle through my old address book. 129 00:04:08,730 --> 00:04:10,440 - I'm in and you're out. 130 00:04:10,440 --> 00:04:11,273 - What? 131 00:04:11,273 --> 00:04:12,106 But can't you do anything? 132 00:04:12,106 --> 00:04:12,939 - I'm sorry, Mark. 133 00:04:12,939 --> 00:04:13,840 You're contaminated. 134 00:04:13,840 --> 00:04:15,080 You're the astronaut with typhoid 135 00:04:15,080 --> 00:04:16,150 and I'm gonna stand well back 136 00:04:16,150 --> 00:04:17,770 while you're fired out of the airlock. 137 00:04:17,770 --> 00:04:18,603 - [Mark Voiceover] No, Alan. 138 00:04:18,603 --> 00:04:20,510 Remember all the good times, Alan. 139 00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:22,667 - So, Mr. Corrigan, it has been brought to our attention 140 00:04:22,667 --> 00:04:25,450 that you certified a loan to a friend of yourself, 141 00:04:25,450 --> 00:04:26,930 ticking the certification boxes 142 00:04:26,930 --> 00:04:28,950 without adequate document checks. 143 00:04:28,950 --> 00:04:32,230 This is gross negligence and we're dismissing you forthwith. 144 00:04:32,230 --> 00:04:33,063 - I'm sorry. 145 00:04:33,063 --> 00:04:34,220 Which loan was this? 146 00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:37,120 - To a Mr. Usborne, Jeremy. 147 00:04:37,120 --> 00:04:38,960 - It's come to light due a complaint. 148 00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:39,793 - What complaint? 149 00:04:39,793 --> 00:04:40,626 Who complained? 150 00:04:40,626 --> 00:04:42,802 - Mr. Usborne has been in contact to say that he believes 151 00:04:42,802 --> 00:04:44,630 that the granting of this loan to him 152 00:04:44,630 --> 00:04:48,580 was out of proportion with the just working of the universe. 153 00:04:48,580 --> 00:04:50,990 He does not wish to be responsible for another grease. 154 00:04:50,990 --> 00:04:52,910 And he's claiming mental incapacity 155 00:04:52,910 --> 00:04:54,070 due to the influence of the internet 156 00:04:54,070 --> 00:04:56,660 reducing his attention span against his own will. 157 00:04:56,660 --> 00:04:58,270 - But I can get the money back. 158 00:04:58,270 --> 00:04:59,103 I know him. 159 00:04:59,103 --> 00:04:59,936 I can get it back. 160 00:04:59,936 --> 00:05:02,820 I'll jam a biro in his eye and drag him in here today! 161 00:05:02,820 --> 00:05:04,990 - That may be your way of operating, Mr. Corrigan, 162 00:05:04,990 --> 00:05:06,260 but it's certainly not ours. 163 00:05:06,260 --> 00:05:08,000 - [Mark Voiceover] Shafted by a piss addict. 164 00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,780 - I've cleared out your desk, mate. 165 00:05:09,780 --> 00:05:11,420 Your wet wipes and your mega puzzler. 166 00:05:11,420 --> 00:05:12,890 - [Mark Voiceover] I'm hung out to try. 167 00:05:12,890 --> 00:05:14,420 I'm human laundry. 168 00:05:14,420 --> 00:05:16,315 Oh Jeff, Jerry, and Johnson. 169 00:05:16,315 --> 00:05:18,463 A trilogy of shit. 170 00:05:20,140 --> 00:05:20,973 - Jeremy. 171 00:05:22,040 --> 00:05:23,010 Jeremy! 172 00:05:23,010 --> 00:05:23,890 - Mark? 173 00:05:23,890 --> 00:05:25,040 I'm trying to sleep. 174 00:05:25,040 --> 00:05:26,440 - I just wanted to let you know 175 00:05:26,440 --> 00:05:29,100 that I am now going to punch you on the nose. 176 00:05:29,100 --> 00:05:29,950 - What? 177 00:05:29,950 --> 00:05:31,260 - Oh, fuck! 178 00:05:31,260 --> 00:05:32,093 We don't hit. 179 00:05:32,093 --> 00:05:32,926 That's the rule. 180 00:05:32,926 --> 00:05:34,233 Or are we hitting now? 181 00:05:35,750 --> 00:05:37,160 - [Mark Voiceover] Cold brown. 182 00:05:37,160 --> 00:05:41,047 No job, no woman, no jam, just cold brown. 183 00:05:41,047 --> 00:05:42,770 - [Jeremy Voiceover] Okay, I redunded him. 184 00:05:42,770 --> 00:05:43,920 He face plowed me. 185 00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,273 We're equals-pequals. 186 00:05:46,110 --> 00:05:48,180 - Oh, not still with the silent treatment? 187 00:05:48,180 --> 00:05:49,490 For fuck's sake. 188 00:05:49,490 --> 00:05:51,160 - [Mark Voiceover] I love the silent treatment. 189 00:05:51,160 --> 00:05:53,240 The cold, impervious wall. 190 00:05:53,240 --> 00:05:54,600 - I didn't want you to get fired. 191 00:05:54,600 --> 00:05:56,730 I just wanted my extortion payments written off. 192 00:05:56,730 --> 00:05:57,810 You were the one who sold me 193 00:05:57,810 --> 00:05:59,620 the ball crushing loan in the first place. 194 00:05:59,620 --> 00:06:00,680 You started it. 195 00:06:00,680 --> 00:06:01,530 Hm? Eh? 196 00:06:01,530 --> 00:06:03,780 - [Mark Voiceover] He's not luring me back in like that 197 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,560 with a lovely savage argument. 198 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:06,700 - Come on, let's have it out. 199 00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,527 - [Mark Voiceover] Appealing but no dice. 200 00:06:08,527 --> 00:06:09,924 - [Jeremy Voiceover] This is unbearable. 201 00:06:09,924 --> 00:06:11,730 I'm gonna make him come out and fight like a man, 202 00:06:11,730 --> 00:06:13,050 push it to breaking point. 203 00:06:13,050 --> 00:06:14,090 - Can I have some of your milk? 204 00:06:14,090 --> 00:06:14,923 - [Mark Voiceover] He wouldn't. 205 00:06:14,923 --> 00:06:16,564 Not my lovely, white milk. 206 00:06:16,564 --> 00:06:17,650 - Hm? 207 00:06:17,650 --> 00:06:18,863 I'll take that as a yes. 208 00:06:21,020 --> 00:06:22,663 Do say when you want me to stop. 209 00:06:24,470 --> 00:06:26,080 - [Mark Voiceover] He's milking me. 210 00:06:26,080 --> 00:06:27,130 - No? 211 00:06:27,130 --> 00:06:28,260 I'll fill her right up then. 212 00:06:28,260 --> 00:06:30,170 - [Mark Voiceover] He's got his hands on my udders 213 00:06:30,170 --> 00:06:32,040 and he's actually milking me. 214 00:06:32,040 --> 00:06:33,490 - I'll just get rid of these. 215 00:06:34,650 --> 00:06:36,220 Oops, apologies. 216 00:06:36,220 --> 00:06:37,520 I'll just tidy these away. 217 00:06:41,220 --> 00:06:42,460 - [Mark Voiceover] I will prevail. 218 00:06:42,460 --> 00:06:44,920 He can't hurt me with his Rice Krispie blitz. 219 00:06:44,920 --> 00:06:46,241 London can take it. 220 00:06:46,241 --> 00:06:47,660 - [Jeremy Voiceover] What am I gonna do now? 221 00:06:47,660 --> 00:06:49,628 Cover him in milk and start licking him? 222 00:06:49,628 --> 00:06:50,710 (doorbell ringing) 223 00:06:50,710 --> 00:06:51,979 I'm not gonna lick him. 224 00:06:51,979 --> 00:06:52,970 (phone ringing) 225 00:06:52,970 --> 00:06:53,803 - [Mark Voiceover] April? 226 00:06:53,803 --> 00:06:56,513 God love the facts and all the old ways. 227 00:06:58,110 --> 00:06:59,660 - I need a bit of head space. 228 00:06:59,660 --> 00:07:02,460 Molly, she's a beast, mate. 229 00:07:02,460 --> 00:07:04,170 Marmite in the marg. 230 00:07:04,170 --> 00:07:06,000 She's a slob. 231 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,260 My peppermint shower gel 232 00:07:07,260 --> 00:07:09,530 just laying on its fucking side oozing. 233 00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:10,363 What's that all about? 234 00:07:10,363 --> 00:07:11,656 I can't live like that. 235 00:07:11,656 --> 00:07:13,413 - [Jeremy Voiceover] He's never smelled of peppermint. 236 00:07:14,377 --> 00:07:15,210 - Are you alright? 237 00:07:15,210 --> 00:07:16,960 - Yeah, fine, knackered. 238 00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:17,928 Three day bender 239 00:07:17,928 --> 00:07:19,527 and then Mark got fired 'cause of me 240 00:07:19,527 --> 00:07:21,660 and I couldn't sleep 'cause of the guilt. 241 00:07:21,660 --> 00:07:22,493 - Yeah. 242 00:07:22,493 --> 00:07:24,070 - And now he's not speaking to me. 243 00:07:24,070 --> 00:07:26,560 - She piles her dirty socks in the basket 244 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,320 even though it's already overflowing. 245 00:07:28,320 --> 00:07:29,610 And I'm like what, do you think it's gonna eat them 246 00:07:29,610 --> 00:07:31,637 like the fucking Cookie Monster, love? 247 00:07:31,637 --> 00:07:32,510 - [Jeremy Voiceover] Shush, Hans. 248 00:07:32,510 --> 00:07:34,370 I'm trying to think about myself. 249 00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,203 - Hang on. 250 00:07:36,360 --> 00:07:39,070 Mark, did you piss in my piss 251 00:07:39,070 --> 00:07:40,540 'cause this piss looks funny. 252 00:07:40,540 --> 00:07:42,600 I don't mind drinking my piss, but your piss, 253 00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:43,660 that's over the line. 254 00:07:43,660 --> 00:07:45,030 - I understand. 255 00:07:45,030 --> 00:07:47,350 Well, thanks for calling. 256 00:07:47,350 --> 00:07:48,183 Goodbye, April. 257 00:07:50,133 --> 00:07:51,470 - You alright, mate? 258 00:07:51,470 --> 00:07:53,890 - Super Hans, will you please inform your friend, 259 00:07:53,890 --> 00:07:56,013 Specimen A, that I'm not talking to him. 260 00:07:56,013 --> 00:07:57,423 - No, mate, not now. 261 00:07:58,310 --> 00:07:59,250 It's Molly. 262 00:07:59,250 --> 00:08:00,550 I'm in fucking bits. 263 00:08:00,550 --> 00:08:01,880 - Well, likewise. 264 00:08:01,880 --> 00:08:05,150 April's gone back to her husband for good. 265 00:08:05,150 --> 00:08:06,050 It's over. 266 00:08:06,050 --> 00:08:07,280 Everything's over. 267 00:08:07,280 --> 00:08:08,490 - I'm sorry, Mark. 268 00:08:08,490 --> 00:08:11,710 I'm sorry your life is ruined and it's partly my fault. 269 00:08:11,710 --> 00:08:12,840 - Is there a buzzing? 270 00:08:12,840 --> 00:08:15,580 An irritating, backstabbing sort of buzzing? 271 00:08:15,580 --> 00:08:17,280 - Oh god, don't be such a wanker. 272 00:08:17,280 --> 00:08:20,390 - He wanted his loan written off and well, he succeeded. 273 00:08:20,390 --> 00:08:21,610 - [Jeremy] Yes! 274 00:08:21,610 --> 00:08:22,443 Sorry. 275 00:08:22,443 --> 00:08:24,710 - But he's lost a friend in the process. 276 00:08:24,710 --> 00:08:26,100 - Molly's end is on Corrie. 277 00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:27,060 Corrie 'til I die. 278 00:08:27,060 --> 00:08:28,180 It's a sign, isn't it? 279 00:08:28,180 --> 00:08:29,013 You've got to choose. 280 00:08:29,013 --> 00:08:30,900 You can't be City and United, can you? 281 00:08:30,900 --> 00:08:32,410 - Look, Hans, can you shut up? 282 00:08:32,410 --> 00:08:34,300 Because as we speak, the love of my life 283 00:08:34,300 --> 00:08:37,340 is buying cruise tickets with her husband on the High Street 284 00:08:37,340 --> 00:08:39,566 with the intention of sailing away forever 285 00:08:39,566 --> 00:08:41,880 and I'd very much like to sit here 286 00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:45,090 and watch a property-based reality show while she does it. 287 00:08:45,090 --> 00:08:45,923 - Look, mate. 288 00:08:45,923 --> 00:08:48,120 I can't just let you sit there feeling sorry for yourself. 289 00:08:48,120 --> 00:08:49,170 Let's bloody well go and stop her. 290 00:08:49,170 --> 00:08:50,831 - If I wanted to stop her, 291 00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:52,550 the last person I'd ask for help 292 00:08:52,550 --> 00:08:54,770 is the most thoughtless, selfish, venal idiot 293 00:08:54,770 --> 00:08:56,012 I've ever met in my life. 294 00:08:56,012 --> 00:08:57,040 - [Jeremy Voiceover] He's talking to me. 295 00:08:57,040 --> 00:08:57,923 I win! 296 00:08:58,820 --> 00:09:01,400 - Mark, I'm gonna help you save the day with April. 297 00:09:01,400 --> 00:09:02,760 I'm gonna be your love butler. 298 00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,130 Come on, let's at least go and spy 299 00:09:05,130 --> 00:09:06,850 in case there's something to be done. 300 00:09:06,850 --> 00:09:07,683 Yeah? 301 00:09:07,683 --> 00:09:09,090 - [Mark Voiceover] Hm, I suppose it might be better 302 00:09:09,090 --> 00:09:11,083 than having a cry and a Cornetto. 303 00:09:12,526 --> 00:09:14,320 - I haven't forgiven you by the way. 304 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:15,153 - I know. 305 00:09:15,153 --> 00:09:16,521 You don't have to tell me after every sentence. 306 00:09:16,521 --> 00:09:17,490 - I just want it to be clear. 307 00:09:17,490 --> 00:09:18,323 - It is clear. 308 00:09:18,323 --> 00:09:19,156 - Good. 309 00:09:19,156 --> 00:09:19,989 - You just need to be ready, Mark, 310 00:09:19,989 --> 00:09:22,734 ready to get April on her own and tell her how you feel. 311 00:09:22,734 --> 00:09:23,960 - Love's hard, mate. 312 00:09:23,960 --> 00:09:25,060 Fucking hard. 313 00:09:25,060 --> 00:09:25,893 It doesn't work. 314 00:09:25,893 --> 00:09:29,233 It breaks, but you gotta give it a go. 315 00:09:30,120 --> 00:09:31,510 Norwich is never gonna win the league, 316 00:09:31,510 --> 00:09:33,350 but they still turn up every week, don't they? 317 00:09:33,350 --> 00:09:34,630 The pricks. 318 00:09:34,630 --> 00:09:36,775 - If you want, I could try to get in there, 319 00:09:36,775 --> 00:09:38,690 waggle the old cock about a bit. 320 00:09:38,690 --> 00:09:39,523 - As in? 321 00:09:39,523 --> 00:09:40,356 - I don't know. 322 00:09:40,356 --> 00:09:42,450 Maybe try and make Angus fall in love with me? 323 00:09:42,450 --> 00:09:43,490 Fuck him if need be. 324 00:09:43,490 --> 00:09:45,430 - Why does every solution you come up with 325 00:09:45,430 --> 00:09:46,760 involve fucking someone? 326 00:09:46,760 --> 00:09:47,593 - It's just an idea. 327 00:09:47,593 --> 00:09:49,390 - Do you think the sit around in the cabinet 328 00:09:49,390 --> 00:09:51,750 talking about sending Philip Hammond over 329 00:09:51,750 --> 00:09:54,500 to fuck Hollande to sort out the euro? 330 00:09:54,500 --> 00:09:56,280 - Oi, Godley and Creme. 331 00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:57,217 They're on the move. 332 00:09:57,217 --> 00:09:59,500 - [Jeremy] Oh, body language doesn't look great. 333 00:09:59,500 --> 00:10:01,613 - It does look a little testy. 334 00:10:02,530 --> 00:10:03,380 - He's off. 335 00:10:03,380 --> 00:10:05,450 Closing time in the last chance saloon, Mark. 336 00:10:05,450 --> 00:10:07,340 Time to grab your nuts and splurge! 337 00:10:07,340 --> 00:10:08,173 - Yeah? 338 00:10:08,173 --> 00:10:09,072 - Yeah! 339 00:10:09,072 --> 00:10:09,905 - Oh fuck! 340 00:10:09,905 --> 00:10:10,738 I'm gonna do something. 341 00:10:10,738 --> 00:10:11,970 - Be the canary. 342 00:10:11,970 --> 00:10:13,040 Full fucking Delia. 343 00:10:13,040 --> 00:10:14,120 - I don't know what you mean. 344 00:10:14,120 --> 00:10:14,953 - You go, girl! 345 00:10:14,953 --> 00:10:17,547 - This still doesn't mean I've forgiven you. 346 00:10:17,547 --> 00:10:20,170 - [Hans] Aw, he is so fucked. 347 00:10:20,170 --> 00:10:21,003 - [Mark] April! 348 00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:23,970 - Mark? 349 00:10:23,970 --> 00:10:24,890 What are you doing here? 350 00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:25,870 - I just bumped into you. 351 00:10:25,870 --> 00:10:28,710 - Well, no, you just ran around the corner after me. 352 00:10:28,710 --> 00:10:31,281 - No, right, I mean, I just. 353 00:10:31,281 --> 00:10:34,290 Look, could we grab a coffee for five minutes? 354 00:10:34,290 --> 00:10:36,643 I've got a couple of things I need to say. 355 00:10:38,800 --> 00:10:39,830 - [Mark Voiceover] Got the coffee. 356 00:10:39,830 --> 00:10:41,110 Disregard the price. 357 00:10:41,110 --> 00:10:43,370 The price of the coffee is irrelevant. 358 00:10:43,370 --> 00:10:44,203 - Thanks, Mark. 359 00:10:44,203 --> 00:10:45,036 - No biggie. 360 00:10:45,036 --> 00:10:46,710 I mean, God knows how they can charge so much. 361 00:10:46,710 --> 00:10:48,460 They're certainly not spending it on lampshade. 362 00:10:48,460 --> 00:10:49,293 - [Mark Voiceover] Hello, dad. 363 00:10:49,293 --> 00:10:50,920 You're living inside me now, are you? 364 00:10:50,920 --> 00:10:53,670 - Yeah, so the flight's at midnight to Athens. 365 00:10:53,670 --> 00:10:54,640 The ferry leaves tomorrow. 366 00:10:54,640 --> 00:10:56,420 All the islands except Korfu. 367 00:10:56,420 --> 00:10:57,554 - Oh, not Korfu. 368 00:10:57,554 --> 00:10:58,810 Why not Korfu? 369 00:10:58,810 --> 00:11:00,390 - [Mark Voiceover] He asked innocently. 370 00:11:00,390 --> 00:11:02,620 - 'Cause that's where Angus had his au pair. 371 00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:04,090 - Oh, of course. 372 00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:05,120 Sorry, I'd forgotten. 373 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:08,360 Sorry to drag all that up again, all the resentment, sorry. 374 00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,270 Idiot. 375 00:11:09,270 --> 00:11:10,103 - It's fine. 376 00:11:10,103 --> 00:11:13,307 - Anyway, what I wanted to say just before you go 377 00:11:13,307 --> 00:11:16,290 and if you want me to stop, just say, 378 00:11:16,290 --> 00:11:21,290 but yeah, I basically think that you're just so funny, 379 00:11:22,449 --> 00:11:25,994 and clever, and brilliant, 380 00:11:25,994 --> 00:11:29,020 and I really am sorry if that makes things difficult, 381 00:11:29,020 --> 00:11:31,810 but I think it's only fair that you should know 382 00:11:31,810 --> 00:11:35,800 that I think we'd be great together. 383 00:11:35,800 --> 00:11:37,813 I mean, I know I'm not perfect. 384 00:11:37,813 --> 00:11:41,434 In fact, I'm not even probably average. 385 00:11:41,434 --> 00:11:44,610 I'm a misshapen potato, an oddball. 386 00:11:44,610 --> 00:11:46,170 - [Mark Voiceover] Feel free to disagree, April. 387 00:11:46,170 --> 00:11:49,330 - I'm mean-spirited and I only really like hearing 388 00:11:49,330 --> 00:11:52,440 about other people's holidays when they've been disastrous. 389 00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:57,440 But I really, really like you. 390 00:11:57,730 --> 00:12:02,730 In fact, in all honesty, I love you. 391 00:12:04,730 --> 00:12:06,160 - Look. 392 00:12:06,160 --> 00:12:08,860 It was really weird the last time we saw each other. 393 00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:11,700 You burying your wife in a pit of bulls. 394 00:12:11,700 --> 00:12:16,500 - Ex-wife and more hiding than burying, but point taken. 395 00:12:16,500 --> 00:12:19,190 - The truth is I do have feelings. 396 00:12:19,190 --> 00:12:20,023 - [Mark Voiceover] Feelings! 397 00:12:20,023 --> 00:12:22,370 - And not all has been easy with Angus. 398 00:12:22,370 --> 00:12:23,590 Just had a mini-row 399 00:12:23,590 --> 00:12:25,880 because he didn't want to spend an extra 300 pounds 400 00:12:25,880 --> 00:12:27,350 on cabin with a porthole. 401 00:12:27,350 --> 00:12:28,500 If you're gonna be on a boat for three months, 402 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:29,350 you want a porthole. 403 00:12:29,350 --> 00:12:30,538 - Of course you do. 404 00:12:30,538 --> 00:12:31,371 (laughs) Who wouldn't? 405 00:12:31,371 --> 00:12:32,410 - [Mark Voiceover] 300 quid 406 00:12:32,410 --> 00:12:34,070 pissed straight out the porthole? 407 00:12:34,070 --> 00:12:35,563 Correct call, Angus. 408 00:12:36,720 --> 00:12:38,280 - Wow. 409 00:12:38,280 --> 00:12:39,720 Okay. 410 00:12:39,720 --> 00:12:40,553 Wow. 411 00:12:40,553 --> 00:12:41,386 - What? 412 00:12:41,386 --> 00:12:42,219 - It's Angus. 413 00:12:42,219 --> 00:12:43,200 He's been having a think 414 00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:45,545 and he's not sure we should go on this cruise. 415 00:12:45,545 --> 00:12:47,870 - Oh, oh right. 416 00:12:47,870 --> 00:12:48,770 - [Mark Voiceover] Furrow the brow. 417 00:12:48,770 --> 00:12:50,760 Furrow the brow to hide the smile. 418 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,599 - Apparently now he wants to go to Ibiza alone. 419 00:12:54,599 --> 00:12:55,432 - [Mark Voiceover] Alone? 420 00:12:55,432 --> 00:12:56,500 - See you. 421 00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:57,901 Do what the fuck you want. 422 00:12:57,901 --> 00:12:58,870 Goodbye. 423 00:12:58,870 --> 00:12:59,703 - [Mark Voiceover] I've won. 424 00:12:59,703 --> 00:13:01,690 It's like I'm Napoleon invading Moscow 425 00:13:01,690 --> 00:13:03,800 and the czars fucked off to Ibiza! 426 00:13:03,800 --> 00:13:05,520 I've conquered the whole of Russia! 427 00:13:05,520 --> 00:13:07,053 I've only gone and won. 428 00:13:08,980 --> 00:13:10,120 - Mark. 429 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,490 How's it going, you lovely Rotter? 430 00:13:11,490 --> 00:13:13,314 - Everything's coming up roses. 431 00:13:13,314 --> 00:13:15,510 April and I just had an overpriced coffee 432 00:13:15,510 --> 00:13:16,610 and did it in the toilets. 433 00:13:16,610 --> 00:13:17,443 - Excellent. 434 00:13:17,443 --> 00:13:18,760 - April loves doing it in toilets. 435 00:13:18,760 --> 00:13:20,640 In fact, 100% of the times we've done it, 436 00:13:20,640 --> 00:13:21,820 we've done it in toilets. 437 00:13:21,820 --> 00:13:23,810 I can't wait to do it in a bed. 438 00:13:23,810 --> 00:13:24,643 - It'll be amazing. 439 00:13:24,643 --> 00:13:27,040 - But the big news is that Angus texted her 440 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,950 to say that he's fucked off to Ibiza of all places 441 00:13:29,950 --> 00:13:31,160 leaving the coast clear 442 00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,960 for me to go off with his wife on the cruise. 443 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,600 Me and April, April and me. 444 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,030 - Man, that is so great. 445 00:13:37,030 --> 00:13:38,600 I am really happy for you. 446 00:13:38,600 --> 00:13:39,433 You deserve that. 447 00:13:39,433 --> 00:13:40,706 - Look, I just wanted to say 448 00:13:40,706 --> 00:13:43,270 I know things have been a bit difficult between us 449 00:13:43,270 --> 00:13:44,490 over the last day or so, 450 00:13:44,490 --> 00:13:47,210 what, with the punching and the blanking, 451 00:13:47,210 --> 00:13:48,931 but you're a good friend, 452 00:13:48,931 --> 00:13:52,660 although I still haven't totally forgiven you, mate. 453 00:13:52,660 --> 00:13:54,893 - I wouldn't have expected you to, mate. 454 00:13:55,852 --> 00:13:58,165 (honking) 455 00:13:58,165 --> 00:13:58,998 (man moaning) 456 00:13:58,998 --> 00:14:00,501 - [Hans] Shut the fuck up. 457 00:14:00,501 --> 00:14:01,760 - What was that? 458 00:14:01,760 --> 00:14:03,256 - I've done something brilliant, Mark. 459 00:14:03,256 --> 00:14:04,690 (man yelling) 460 00:14:04,690 --> 00:14:05,577 - [Hans] Shut it! 461 00:14:05,577 --> 00:14:06,410 - What the fuck have you done? 462 00:14:06,410 --> 00:14:07,670 - I know it's my birthday, not yours, 463 00:14:07,670 --> 00:14:09,360 but I got you a lovely present 464 00:14:09,360 --> 00:14:11,630 to say sorry for making you lose your job, 465 00:14:11,630 --> 00:14:12,860 and never paying you any rent, 466 00:14:12,860 --> 00:14:15,410 and for falling in love with Dobby, for everything. 467 00:14:16,420 --> 00:14:17,760 - [Mark Voiceover] Fuck. 468 00:14:17,760 --> 00:14:18,660 Angus. 469 00:14:18,660 --> 00:14:19,493 - Jesus. 470 00:14:19,493 --> 00:14:20,326 Angus, are you okay? 471 00:14:20,326 --> 00:14:21,159 - It's fine. 472 00:14:21,159 --> 00:14:22,338 I wanted to come. 473 00:14:22,338 --> 00:14:24,683 Could I possibly get a glass of water? 474 00:14:27,288 --> 00:14:29,300 They said they were gonna chop my penis off 475 00:14:29,300 --> 00:14:30,850 and put it into another orifice. 476 00:14:30,850 --> 00:14:32,800 - Oh Angus, shush. 477 00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:34,123 Bants, mad bants. 478 00:14:34,123 --> 00:14:36,050 - They said they had a rock with a rock in it. 479 00:14:36,050 --> 00:14:39,060 They made me drink urine, Mark, human urine. 480 00:14:39,060 --> 00:14:41,070 - He greedily gulped from a bedside bottle 481 00:14:41,070 --> 00:14:43,090 that happened to be from the golden source. 482 00:14:43,090 --> 00:14:43,923 - Let me go, Mark. 483 00:14:43,923 --> 00:14:45,270 Will you let me go please? 484 00:14:45,270 --> 00:14:48,620 - Angus, you must know I had nothing to do with this. 485 00:14:48,620 --> 00:14:50,340 - Here you go, you naughty monkey. 486 00:14:50,340 --> 00:14:52,463 Drink it nicely this time, not gulpy. 487 00:14:54,957 --> 00:14:56,470 - Did you send the texts? 488 00:14:56,470 --> 00:14:57,350 - Yes. 489 00:14:57,350 --> 00:14:59,410 I was worried Ibiza was too much. 490 00:14:59,410 --> 00:15:00,243 Was it too much? 491 00:15:00,243 --> 00:15:01,710 - What the fuck have you done, Jeremy? 492 00:15:01,710 --> 00:15:02,570 - I've done a good one. 493 00:15:02,570 --> 00:15:03,480 I've cleared the coast. 494 00:15:03,480 --> 00:15:04,340 The coast is clear. 495 00:15:04,340 --> 00:15:05,440 - The coast is not clear. 496 00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:06,670 We're all going to prison. 497 00:15:06,670 --> 00:15:07,820 You've gone totally loopy. 498 00:15:07,820 --> 00:15:09,110 You kidnapped Angus. 499 00:15:09,110 --> 00:15:11,660 - Or did I invite an unstable oddball 500 00:15:11,660 --> 00:15:13,230 for a lift in Hans's van, 501 00:15:13,230 --> 00:15:14,870 then back to here for a snifter, 502 00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:17,530 then he accidentally got locked in my room for a few hours? 503 00:15:17,530 --> 00:15:19,540 It's our word against his. 504 00:15:19,540 --> 00:15:20,493 - This is bad. 505 00:15:21,670 --> 00:15:23,000 This is really bad. 506 00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,940 - This is brilliant and it totally worked. 507 00:15:24,940 --> 00:15:25,810 You're back with April. 508 00:15:25,810 --> 00:15:27,150 - Yes, until she finds out. 509 00:15:27,150 --> 00:15:28,690 I mean, what's the long term plan? 510 00:15:28,690 --> 00:15:30,500 - The long term plan is sucky fucky. 511 00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:32,740 - Sucky fucky is not a long term plan! 512 00:15:32,740 --> 00:15:34,400 - Look, how long's the cruise for? 513 00:15:34,400 --> 00:15:35,233 Months. 514 00:15:35,233 --> 00:15:37,030 Chuck a phone off the boat first day. 515 00:15:37,030 --> 00:15:38,080 Butter fingers. 516 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,090 Then work on her, cement things. 517 00:15:40,090 --> 00:15:41,290 You're in pole position. 518 00:15:42,510 --> 00:15:43,690 - She does hate her phone. 519 00:15:43,690 --> 00:15:44,930 - Exactly. 520 00:15:44,930 --> 00:15:47,737 - I think we let him go and I take the hit. 521 00:15:47,737 --> 00:15:48,570 - No, Mark. 522 00:15:48,570 --> 00:15:49,880 Sail off into the sunset 523 00:15:49,880 --> 00:15:52,230 and let your love butler take care of business. 524 00:15:53,924 --> 00:15:55,620 - (constrained yelling) Fuck it! 525 00:15:55,620 --> 00:15:56,453 Alright. 526 00:15:56,453 --> 00:15:57,620 Leave him in there for now. 527 00:15:57,620 --> 00:15:58,590 - Correct decision. 528 00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:00,690 There's always a dark side of love. 529 00:16:00,690 --> 00:16:03,280 Someone's always gonna get a little bit kidnapped. 530 00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:05,770 (doorbell ringing) 531 00:16:05,770 --> 00:16:07,023 Who's that? 532 00:16:08,250 --> 00:16:09,400 - Surprise. 533 00:16:09,400 --> 00:16:10,930 - Oh for fuck's sake, Mark! 534 00:16:10,930 --> 00:16:12,633 I told you I didn't want a fucking surprise party. 535 00:16:12,633 --> 00:16:15,480 - I thought you were just hiding your true feelings. 536 00:16:15,480 --> 00:16:17,484 - When have I ever hidden my true feelings? 537 00:16:17,484 --> 00:16:20,000 (Angus moaning) 538 00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,270 - History man's getting a bit wriggly. 539 00:16:21,270 --> 00:16:22,840 I think he needs restringing. 540 00:16:22,840 --> 00:16:24,520 - Give him a poke. 541 00:16:24,520 --> 00:16:25,370 - I'm not giving him a poke. 542 00:16:25,370 --> 00:16:27,060 I'm not a fucking hired goon. 543 00:16:27,060 --> 00:16:28,210 Who's on shift? Mark? 544 00:16:28,210 --> 00:16:29,760 - I'm not doing a shift. 545 00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:30,890 This is insane. 546 00:16:30,890 --> 00:16:31,723 - Relax. 547 00:16:31,723 --> 00:16:32,960 Everything's gonna be fine. 548 00:16:32,960 --> 00:16:34,040 You're the British people. 549 00:16:34,040 --> 00:16:35,040 We're Blair and Bush. 550 00:16:35,040 --> 00:16:36,100 We'll do the rendition. 551 00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,730 You just have a glass of wine 552 00:16:37,730 --> 00:16:38,922 and pretend nothing's happening. 553 00:16:38,922 --> 00:16:40,000 (doorbell ringing) 554 00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:43,320 Alright, gag him, Hans. (Angus moaning) 555 00:16:43,320 --> 00:16:44,153 - April? 556 00:16:44,153 --> 00:16:44,986 - [Mark Voiceover] Tell her we're leaving. 557 00:16:44,986 --> 00:16:45,819 - Hi, Mark. 558 00:16:45,819 --> 00:16:46,652 - How the hell are you? 559 00:16:46,652 --> 00:16:47,530 - [Mark Voiceover] Oh god she's coming in. 560 00:16:47,530 --> 00:16:48,370 Just act normal. 561 00:16:48,370 --> 00:16:49,480 Don't arouse suspicion. 562 00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:51,410 - Oh, shall I do the do with the party stuff? 563 00:16:51,410 --> 00:16:52,830 - Oh yeah. 564 00:16:52,830 --> 00:16:54,300 - [Mark Voiceover] Don't open the door. 565 00:16:54,300 --> 00:16:55,133 - Hi. 566 00:16:55,133 --> 00:16:56,039 - Hi. 567 00:16:56,039 --> 00:16:56,872 - [Mark Voiceover] She didn't see, she didn't see. 568 00:16:56,872 --> 00:16:58,350 Calm down, Mark. 569 00:16:58,350 --> 00:17:00,780 - The kangaroo is tied down, sport. 570 00:17:00,780 --> 00:17:01,820 - [Mark Voiceover] He's not a kangaroo. 571 00:17:01,820 --> 00:17:03,810 He's an eminent theologian. 572 00:17:03,810 --> 00:17:04,910 - Hello, Jeremy. 573 00:17:04,910 --> 00:17:05,743 Surprise. 574 00:17:05,743 --> 00:17:06,576 - Come on in. 575 00:17:06,576 --> 00:17:09,350 Thanks for coming, but put that in the fridge if you want. 576 00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:11,520 - Why did you invite her? 577 00:17:11,520 --> 00:17:12,353 She hates me. 578 00:17:12,353 --> 00:17:13,280 I stole her boyfriend. 579 00:17:13,280 --> 00:17:14,850 - Sorry, but when I was doing the invites, 580 00:17:14,850 --> 00:17:16,810 it became clear that you've betrayed everyone 581 00:17:16,810 --> 00:17:17,643 you've ever been close to. 582 00:17:17,643 --> 00:17:20,133 I think that's why the majority declined. 583 00:17:21,320 --> 00:17:22,153 - Hi, Jeremy. 584 00:17:22,153 --> 00:17:22,986 - Oh hi, Molly. 585 00:17:22,986 --> 00:17:24,780 - Happy birthday. 586 00:17:24,780 --> 00:17:26,390 I guess that's what you're meant to say. 587 00:17:26,390 --> 00:17:27,253 - Go on through. 588 00:17:28,170 --> 00:17:30,810 I wouldn't say we were scraping the barrel, 589 00:17:30,810 --> 00:17:33,420 but well, you've just not been great at keeping in touch. 590 00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:34,714 - Hey, Jez. 591 00:17:34,714 --> 00:17:35,547 (smooching) 592 00:17:35,547 --> 00:17:36,380 You look tired. 593 00:17:36,380 --> 00:17:37,530 - Yeah, well, I'm definitely not. 594 00:17:37,530 --> 00:17:39,163 - So I got you a present. 595 00:17:41,770 --> 00:17:42,603 - Tickets? 596 00:17:42,603 --> 00:17:43,436 - It's your dream trip. 597 00:17:43,436 --> 00:17:45,570 We leave after the party, dance 'til dawn, 598 00:17:45,570 --> 00:17:47,070 party bus to Derby, night out, 599 00:17:47,070 --> 00:17:50,720 fly to Belfast, rave, get on the party boat to Bristol. 600 00:17:50,720 --> 00:17:51,920 Yes, it really exists. 601 00:17:51,920 --> 00:17:52,910 We stay up for a week. 602 00:17:52,910 --> 00:17:54,700 - Stay up for a week. 603 00:17:54,700 --> 00:17:55,533 Oh right. 604 00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:57,605 So what, no sleeping at all? 605 00:17:57,605 --> 00:17:59,980 - We'll have naughties to keep us going 606 00:17:59,980 --> 00:18:01,149 but we can sleep when we're dead. 607 00:18:01,149 --> 00:18:02,863 - [Jeremy Voiceover] Which will be within a week. 608 00:18:03,990 --> 00:18:06,400 - Okay, come in everyone. 609 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,740 - Happy birthday, Jeremy. 610 00:18:07,740 --> 00:18:08,573 39 today. 611 00:18:08,573 --> 00:18:11,180 - [Jeremy Voiceover] Second year in a row. 612 00:18:11,180 --> 00:18:14,673 - Here's the Jeremy and three amazing months on the Med. 613 00:18:15,962 --> 00:18:17,870 - [Mark Voiceover] Oh shit. 614 00:18:17,870 --> 00:18:18,703 Filibuster. 615 00:18:18,703 --> 00:18:19,630 Don't turn. 616 00:18:19,630 --> 00:18:21,170 (laughs) Great. 617 00:18:21,170 --> 00:18:24,529 I tell you what I would like to do for Jeremy 618 00:18:24,529 --> 00:18:27,220 is a filibuster. 619 00:18:27,220 --> 00:18:28,580 I mean, a speech! 620 00:18:28,580 --> 00:18:29,530 - Oh, okay. 621 00:18:29,530 --> 00:18:31,500 - [Mark Voiceover] Now, I've got to make a fucking speech! 622 00:18:31,500 --> 00:18:33,100 - You're 40 today? 623 00:18:33,100 --> 00:18:34,110 - Yeah, apparently. 624 00:18:34,110 --> 00:18:35,040 That's what the banner says. 625 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,530 - But you said you were 38 turning 39. 626 00:18:37,530 --> 00:18:38,363 - Did I? 627 00:18:38,363 --> 00:18:39,260 Yeah, maybe. 628 00:18:39,260 --> 00:18:40,200 I forget. 629 00:18:40,200 --> 00:18:42,990 Yeah, 38, 39, 40, in that area. 630 00:18:42,990 --> 00:18:47,300 - You definitely said you were turning 39, the big 3-9. 631 00:18:47,300 --> 00:18:48,180 - It's not a big deal. 632 00:18:48,180 --> 00:18:49,013 Whatever. 633 00:18:49,013 --> 00:18:49,930 - So why lie? 634 00:18:49,930 --> 00:18:50,763 - I didn't. 635 00:18:50,763 --> 00:18:52,160 I just misspoke. 636 00:18:52,160 --> 00:18:52,993 - It's fine. 637 00:18:52,993 --> 00:18:55,720 It's just it's weird that you wouldn't think it's fine. 638 00:18:55,720 --> 00:18:58,617 - Look, Joe, I'm sorry, but the truth is I'm 40 639 00:18:58,617 --> 00:19:01,100 and I don't want to go raving for a week. 640 00:19:01,100 --> 00:19:02,840 I want to stay up to about one 641 00:19:02,840 --> 00:19:06,340 and then go to bed and listen to my Mr. Nice audiobook. 642 00:19:06,340 --> 00:19:07,400 - Bed at one? 643 00:19:07,400 --> 00:19:08,430 One isn't even the night. 644 00:19:08,430 --> 00:19:09,884 - It is, Joe. 645 00:19:09,884 --> 00:19:12,960 Look, I can't rave all day and fuck all night. 646 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,560 And honestly, I don't even like drinking my own piss. 647 00:19:15,560 --> 00:19:16,560 - You drink your own piss? 648 00:19:16,560 --> 00:19:17,393 - Yes. 649 00:19:17,393 --> 00:19:20,410 I eat cashews and I drink my own piss and it doesn't work. 650 00:19:20,410 --> 00:19:21,700 I'm never gonna be young, dumb, 651 00:19:21,700 --> 00:19:24,090 and full of cum ever again and that's that. 652 00:19:24,090 --> 00:19:25,070 - Fine, I get it. 653 00:19:25,070 --> 00:19:30,070 - I want to come with you, but I'm just scared I might die. 654 00:19:30,080 --> 00:19:32,860 - Maybe I'll ask Megan if she wants to come instead. 655 00:19:32,860 --> 00:19:34,337 - Joe. 656 00:19:34,337 --> 00:19:35,411 Don't go, Joe. 657 00:19:35,411 --> 00:19:36,740 - [Jeremy Voiceover] Oh, I've driven him away 658 00:19:36,740 --> 00:19:38,360 with my horrible oldness. 659 00:19:38,360 --> 00:19:40,080 Yeah, Megan, you're 29 now, 660 00:19:40,080 --> 00:19:42,510 but one day, you'll be like 56. 661 00:19:42,510 --> 00:19:43,531 - Speech. 662 00:19:43,531 --> 00:19:45,521 - Speech! - Speech! 663 00:19:45,521 --> 00:19:48,263 - [April] Come on, Mark, and start. 664 00:19:48,263 --> 00:19:49,120 - [Mark Voiceover] Here it goes. 665 00:19:49,120 --> 00:19:50,830 Quick speech and then cruise. 666 00:19:50,830 --> 00:19:53,600 - Jeremy, what can I say? 667 00:19:53,600 --> 00:19:56,150 A man I know very well indeed. 668 00:19:56,150 --> 00:19:57,380 - [Mark Voiceover] That's probably as far 669 00:19:57,380 --> 00:20:00,221 as I can truthfully go on the endearment stakes. 670 00:20:00,221 --> 00:20:02,630 - He's not a great man. 671 00:20:02,630 --> 00:20:05,208 He's not a wise man. 672 00:20:05,208 --> 00:20:07,830 He's not always a good man. 673 00:20:07,830 --> 00:20:09,320 - [Mark Voiceover] Okay, where am I going? 674 00:20:09,320 --> 00:20:14,320 - But he is a nice man up to a point and I like him. 675 00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:22,180 - [Mark Voiceover] There, I've said it. 676 00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:23,221 Hope he's happy. 677 00:20:23,221 --> 00:20:24,580 (guests applauding) 678 00:20:24,580 --> 00:20:26,001 - [April] Speech, Jez. 679 00:20:26,001 --> 00:20:26,834 - Speech. - Speech. 680 00:20:27,690 --> 00:20:29,620 - Um, thanks, Mark. 681 00:20:29,620 --> 00:20:32,910 We're quite a gang obviously, us two. 682 00:20:32,910 --> 00:20:35,453 Brains and the funny one. 683 00:20:35,453 --> 00:20:39,133 The old stick up his ass, boring jumper one, 684 00:20:39,133 --> 00:20:44,040 and the sexy pep up the party, acid in the punch bowl one. 685 00:20:44,040 --> 00:20:46,120 - [Mark Voiceover] He loves triggering mental illness. 686 00:20:46,120 --> 00:20:47,873 - But we get on pretty well. 687 00:20:47,873 --> 00:20:51,120 I mean, we have our ups and downs like any couple. 688 00:20:51,120 --> 00:20:52,290 - [Mark Voiceover] Hold on. 689 00:20:52,290 --> 00:20:55,120 If Hans is here, who's with the hostage? 690 00:20:55,120 --> 00:20:57,477 Oh god, I've got an unattended hostage! 691 00:20:57,477 --> 00:20:59,997 - And a boring bastard sometimes, 692 00:20:59,997 --> 00:21:01,720 but at the end of the day, 693 00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:06,720 we've lived together for shit long and it's been alright. 694 00:21:07,205 --> 00:21:08,910 (guests applauding) 695 00:21:08,910 --> 00:21:12,843 - [Mark Voiceover] Oh fuck, got to keep the attention. 696 00:21:12,843 --> 00:21:16,913 - Yeah, and if I could just say one more thing, 697 00:21:18,070 --> 00:21:23,070 Jeremy, Jez, please always keep on being you. 698 00:21:25,620 --> 00:21:26,900 - [Mark Voiceover] Totally meaningless. 699 00:21:26,900 --> 00:21:28,187 I'm going to get rumbled. 700 00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:29,180 - [Jeremy Voiceover] That is sweet. 701 00:21:29,180 --> 00:21:32,150 That might be the nicest thing he's ever said. 702 00:21:32,150 --> 00:21:35,240 - Oi, April! - Angus? 703 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:36,360 - [Mark Voiceover] Oh fuck! 704 00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:37,663 Oh fuck, oh fuck! 705 00:21:40,115 --> 00:21:41,040 - Mark? 706 00:21:41,040 --> 00:21:41,873 - Help. 707 00:21:41,873 --> 00:21:42,706 Don't let them kill me. 708 00:21:42,706 --> 00:21:43,870 - Oh, Angus, don't be a big silly. 709 00:21:43,870 --> 00:21:44,850 - We were just hanging out. 710 00:21:44,850 --> 00:21:45,683 It's all fine. 711 00:21:45,683 --> 00:21:47,220 - He said he was gonna cut my willy off 712 00:21:47,220 --> 00:21:48,210 and put it into my bottom. 713 00:21:48,210 --> 00:21:50,410 - Jokey, I said it jokey, Angus. 714 00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:51,940 You gotta admit that, right? 715 00:21:51,940 --> 00:21:53,470 - Simon. 716 00:21:53,470 --> 00:21:54,760 - What's going on, Mark? 717 00:21:54,760 --> 00:21:57,360 - This has nothing to do with Mark or Hans. 718 00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:58,730 It's all my doing. 719 00:21:58,730 --> 00:21:59,860 - It's all your doing? 720 00:21:59,860 --> 00:22:02,570 - Angus wanted stuff done to him. 721 00:22:02,570 --> 00:22:03,410 I wasn't into it. 722 00:22:03,410 --> 00:22:04,860 It's all pretty disgusting. 723 00:22:04,860 --> 00:22:08,320 I don't want to go into details, but it's complicated. 724 00:22:08,320 --> 00:22:11,150 We'll probably never fully understand like Stonehenge. 725 00:22:11,150 --> 00:22:12,130 - Mark knew. 726 00:22:12,130 --> 00:22:13,277 Mark saw it all. 727 00:22:13,277 --> 00:22:15,443 They got me outside the travel agency. 728 00:22:17,140 --> 00:22:18,450 - Molly. 729 00:22:18,450 --> 00:22:19,690 For fuck's sake. 730 00:22:19,690 --> 00:22:21,300 - [Mark Voiceover] Who could have possibly predicted 731 00:22:21,300 --> 00:22:23,090 that falsely imprisoning a love rival 732 00:22:23,090 --> 00:22:24,970 would turn out so badly? 733 00:22:24,970 --> 00:22:26,260 Only a genius. 734 00:22:26,260 --> 00:22:27,930 - [Mark] April, don't go! 735 00:22:27,930 --> 00:22:29,500 - [Mark Voiceover] A real night to remember 736 00:22:29,500 --> 00:22:30,733 like the Titanic. 737 00:22:32,363 --> 00:22:34,954 - Right, well, it's over with Molly. 738 00:22:34,954 --> 00:22:36,050 Apparently I'm not even allowed 739 00:22:36,050 --> 00:22:38,610 to do a little fucking naughty kidnap. 740 00:22:38,610 --> 00:22:39,935 So bollocks to it. 741 00:22:39,935 --> 00:22:42,880 I'm gonna van it to Macedonia. 742 00:22:42,880 --> 00:22:44,720 Finally set up the moped rental. 743 00:22:44,720 --> 00:22:45,553 - Yeah? 744 00:22:45,553 --> 00:22:46,386 - Yeah. 745 00:22:48,163 --> 00:22:48,996 Laters. 746 00:22:49,960 --> 00:22:50,793 - See ya. 747 00:22:53,850 --> 00:22:55,150 Are we gonna be alright? 748 00:22:55,150 --> 00:22:56,660 - [Announcer] The project to reintroduce wolves 749 00:22:56,660 --> 00:22:59,302 into this habitat has been controversial. 750 00:22:59,302 --> 00:23:01,919 - That's the last thing I need. 751 00:23:01,919 --> 00:23:04,440 Now, they're bringing back wolves. 752 00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:08,120 - Oh god, I am so tired. 753 00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:09,210 - What next? 754 00:23:09,210 --> 00:23:10,861 Bring back smallpox? 755 00:23:10,861 --> 00:23:14,150 We all had fun with the smallpox, didn't we? 756 00:23:14,150 --> 00:23:16,740 Is it time smallpox had a reboot? 757 00:23:16,740 --> 00:23:19,220 - Mark, will you pull me off? 758 00:23:19,220 --> 00:23:21,168 - I'm not about to pull you off, Jeremy. 759 00:23:21,168 --> 00:23:22,627 And if you think about it, 760 00:23:22,627 --> 00:23:24,860 I'm sure you don't really want me to. 761 00:23:24,860 --> 00:23:26,581 - Sure, whatever. 762 00:23:26,581 --> 00:23:28,400 I just thought it might be comforting. 763 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:31,693 - What about I read to you from Napoleon's correspondence? 764 00:23:33,380 --> 00:23:36,800 - If I was gonna kill you, I'd have a great sign off. 765 00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:37,850 - Yeah? 766 00:23:37,850 --> 00:23:39,790 - You always loved history, Mark. 767 00:23:39,790 --> 00:23:42,480 Well now, you can be part of it. 768 00:23:42,480 --> 00:23:43,621 Bang. 769 00:23:43,621 --> 00:23:46,928 - Yeah, not bad, not bad at all. 770 00:23:46,928 --> 00:23:49,740 I think I'd just come at you in the night, 771 00:23:49,740 --> 00:23:51,530 pillow on the face, cock. 772 00:23:51,530 --> 00:23:53,163 - Yeah, that's you all over. 773 00:23:54,078 --> 00:23:56,490 - [Jeremy Voiceover] Aw, we do love each other really. 774 00:23:56,490 --> 00:23:59,123 - [Mark Voiceover] I simply must get rid of him. 775 00:23:59,123 --> 00:24:01,312 (wolves howling) 776 00:24:01,312 --> 00:24:03,729 (rock music) 777 00:24:08,533 --> 00:24:10,190 ♪ Paranoia, paranoia ♪ 778 00:24:10,190 --> 00:24:13,786 ♪ Everybody's comin' to get me ♪ 779 00:24:13,786 --> 00:24:16,613 ♪ Just say you never met me ♪ 780 00:24:16,613 --> 00:24:19,419 ♪ I'm runnin' underground with the moles ♪ 781 00:24:19,419 --> 00:24:22,086 ♪ Diggin' holes ♪