1
00:00:12,581 --> 00:00:16,581
This programme contains strong
language throughout and adult humour.

2
00:00:17,901 --> 00:00:18,981
Hmm.

3
00:00:19,021 --> 00:00:22,461
You don't have one that just says,
"You are 40 years old"?

4
00:00:22,501 --> 00:00:26,341
Um...we have, "Life begins at 40,"
or, "40 today."

5
00:00:26,381 --> 00:00:29,501
No. I want one that reads...

6
00:00:29,541 --> 00:00:33,181
.."Jeremy, you are 40 years old."

7
00:00:33,221 --> 00:00:34,381
Do you need "old"?

8
00:00:34,421 --> 00:00:35,741
I think it rounds it off nicely.

9
00:00:35,781 --> 00:00:38,741
'I'm gonna make Jeremy turn 40
whether he likes it or not.'

10
00:00:38,781 --> 00:00:40,781
Do you have a fax machine?
A fax machine?

11
00:00:40,821 --> 00:00:44,061
I know. Wilfully perverse, but I'm
trying to get in touch with someone

12
00:00:44,101 --> 00:00:47,541
who, for whatever reason,
won't return my calls.

13
00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:50,621
I'm not some oddball, though.
It's not worrying.

14
00:00:50,661 --> 00:00:54,661
'Good to let him know it's not
worrying. He can't worry now.'

15
00:00:55,901 --> 00:00:58,501
'I'm kidding myself.
April's never gonna call me.'

16
00:00:58,541 --> 00:01:01,781
Wow!
Three nights on the go, that is...

17
00:01:01,821 --> 00:01:03,061
That's major, huh?

18
00:01:03,101 --> 00:01:04,621
Perfect.

19
00:01:04,661 --> 00:01:06,141
'So tired, so very tired.

20
00:01:06,181 --> 00:01:10,181
'Must...eat...toast.'

21
00:01:10,261 --> 00:01:11,741
I'll see you, Mark.

22
00:01:11,781 --> 00:01:13,541
'Of course she won't call me.

23
00:01:13,581 --> 00:01:15,981
'I made the fatal error
of letting her get to know me.'

24
00:01:16,021 --> 00:01:18,141
Are you OK? I'm fine.

25
00:01:18,181 --> 00:01:22,181
I think I might shortly die,
but I'm fine. Three-day drug binge.

26
00:01:22,901 --> 00:01:25,701
Ooh, your favourite!
Celebration for the birthday boy?

27
00:01:25,741 --> 00:01:28,301
You're not planning a party
or anything, are you? No, mate.

28
00:01:28,341 --> 00:01:29,941
Cos I definitely don't want a party.

29
00:01:29,981 --> 00:01:32,901
Well, I'm definitely
not planning one, so relax.

30
00:01:32,941 --> 00:01:35,821
'You're going to have a party
to remember, my elderly friend.'

31
00:01:35,861 --> 00:01:38,581
Good, because I told Joe
I'll be 39 tomorrow.

32
00:01:38,621 --> 00:01:40,501
Why? I don't know.

33
00:01:40,541 --> 00:01:44,541
40 is basically 50, and 50 is dead,
whereas 39 is like 35.

34
00:01:44,621 --> 00:01:47,621
35 is practically 30, 30 is 20.
You know?

35
00:01:47,661 --> 00:01:48,861
Not entirely.

36
00:01:48,901 --> 00:01:50,261
He's 30 next year.

37
00:01:50,301 --> 00:01:53,301
For a few months, theoretically,
we can be in our 30s together.

38
00:01:53,341 --> 00:01:55,661
I think I see. 29, 40, no.

39
00:01:58,061 --> 00:02:01,261
31, 42, no. 16, 26, better.

40
00:02:01,301 --> 00:02:03,221
You're just saying numbers now,
Jeremy.

41
00:02:03,261 --> 00:02:06,181
'Right, I'm going to have the most
horribly healthy fucking lunch

42
00:02:06,221 --> 00:02:09,501
'and then do a sit-up
and maybe a press-up.'

43
00:02:09,541 --> 00:02:12,621
Oh, a sprout sandwich!
Are you on a health kick?

44
00:02:12,661 --> 00:02:14,821
I need the vitamins. Why?

45
00:02:14,861 --> 00:02:17,981
I've gotta try and keep up with Joe.
He's so fucking full of life.

46
00:02:18,021 --> 00:02:20,781
Is this his? The Golden Fountain?

47
00:02:20,821 --> 00:02:23,061
No, it's mine.
It's about the beneficial properties

48
00:02:23,101 --> 00:02:26,341
of our body's most magnificent
product - the human vitamin drink.

49
00:02:26,381 --> 00:02:28,981
Piss. Urine is packed with nutrients.

50
00:02:29,021 --> 00:02:32,141
That your body was too foolish
to extract at first time of asking.

51
00:02:32,181 --> 00:02:34,701
Why do the Uchamojo people
live to 100, Mark?

52
00:02:34,741 --> 00:02:37,341
I don't know, Jeremy,
because you just made them up?

53
00:02:37,381 --> 00:02:40,821
Because they take the original vaccine,
the watery battery, the mellow yellow.

54
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:44,861
Drinking your own piss - the golden
fountain. Come on, Jez, what's next?

55
00:02:46,341 --> 00:02:48,181
The chocolate factory? No!

56
00:02:48,221 --> 00:02:50,141
Not the chocolate factory.
That's horrible.

57
00:02:50,181 --> 00:02:53,621
'He's got the book, but he'd
never actually...ugh! Oh, God!'

58
00:02:53,661 --> 00:02:56,221
You're not keeping it in the fridge?
Best served chilled.

59
00:02:56,261 --> 00:02:59,901
I need to head to work.
I thought you were off today.

60
00:02:59,941 --> 00:03:02,861
Emergency meeting,
special project or something.

61
00:03:02,901 --> 00:03:04,621
Johnson seemed very jazzed.

62
00:03:04,661 --> 00:03:08,661
Oh, not with a sandwich!
Not as your drink!

63
00:03:09,901 --> 00:03:12,661
Be quiet when you come back.

64
00:03:12,701 --> 00:03:15,101
I'm gonna pull myself off
and sleep for 100 years.

65
00:03:15,141 --> 00:03:18,701
Fine. Goodbye, Rip Van Wankle.

66
00:03:18,741 --> 00:03:19,981
'I'm wasted on him.

67
00:03:20,021 --> 00:03:24,021
'I should be living with
Graham Norton and Dorothy Parker.'

68
00:03:25,061 --> 00:03:27,901
Hey, Alan. What's up, captain?
What's the skinny on the dope?

69
00:03:27,941 --> 00:03:29,661
Good morning, Mr Corrigan.

70
00:03:29,701 --> 00:03:31,101
Mr...Corrigan?

71
00:03:31,141 --> 00:03:33,021
'Do I smell corporate lube?

72
00:03:33,061 --> 00:03:35,381
'Am I about to get
organisationally fucked?'

73
00:03:35,421 --> 00:03:37,301
Is that Baker from regional?

74
00:03:37,341 --> 00:03:39,261
What...what is this, Alan?

75
00:03:39,301 --> 00:03:41,741
I'm sorry, Mark. You've just
stepped into the arena naked.

76
00:03:41,781 --> 00:03:45,301
In a matter of seconds, wild beasts
are gonna fly to your delicate areas

77
00:03:45,341 --> 00:03:48,021
and tear you to shreds. Is this
about the permanent markers?

78
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:51,181
Hmm? Cos I needed them at home
for projects.

79
00:03:51,221 --> 00:03:54,461
Ah, sorry, mate.
You're getting shit-canned, Mark.

80
00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:58,101
You're getting fucked by a flagpole
in your tiny little vagina.

81
00:03:58,141 --> 00:04:00,461
Jeff?! Yeah, I had a riffle
through my old address book.

82
00:04:00,501 --> 00:04:02,901
I'm in and you're out. What? But...

83
00:04:02,941 --> 00:04:05,541
Can't you do anything? I'm sorry,
Mark. You're contaminated.

84
00:04:05,581 --> 00:04:06,875
You're the astronaut with typhoid

85
00:04:06,955 --> 00:04:09,581
and I'm gonna stand well back while
you're fired out of the airlock.

86
00:04:09,861 --> 00:04:12,181
'No, Alan.
Remember all the good times, Alan.'

87
00:04:12,221 --> 00:04:15,221
So, Mr Corrigan, it has been brought
to our attention that you certified

88
00:04:15,261 --> 00:04:17,301
a loan to a friend of yourself,

89
00:04:17,341 --> 00:04:20,701
ticking the certification boxes
without adequate document checks.

90
00:04:20,741 --> 00:04:23,941
This is gross negligence and
we're dismissing you forthwith.

91
00:04:23,981 --> 00:04:27,981
I'm sorry, which loan was this?
Um, to a Mr Usborne, Jeremy.

92
00:04:28,981 --> 00:04:31,941
It's come to light due to a complaint.
What complaint? Who complained?

93
00:04:31,981 --> 00:04:33,941
Well, Mr Usborne
has been in contact to say

94
00:04:33,981 --> 00:04:36,341
that he believes that the granting
of this loan to him

95
00:04:36,381 --> 00:04:40,021
was, um, "out of proportion with
the just working of the universe".

96
00:04:40,061 --> 00:04:42,701
He does not wish
to be responsible for another Greece

97
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:45,821
and he's claiming mental incapacity
due to the influence of the internet

98
00:04:45,861 --> 00:04:48,821
reducing his attention span
against his own will.

99
00:04:48,861 --> 00:04:50,741
But I can get the money back.
I know him.

100
00:04:50,781 --> 00:04:54,541
I can get it back. I'll jam a Biro
in his eye and drag him in here today.

101
00:04:54,581 --> 00:04:57,061
That may be your way of operating,
Mr Corrigan,

102
00:04:57,101 --> 00:04:59,621
but it's certainly not ours.
'Shafted by a piss addict.'

103
00:04:59,661 --> 00:05:01,261
I've cleared out your desk, mate.

104
00:05:01,301 --> 00:05:03,141
Your wet wipes
and your Mega Puzzler.

105
00:05:03,181 --> 00:05:05,861
'I'm hung out to dry,
I'm human laundry.

106
00:05:05,901 --> 00:05:09,901
'Ugh, Jeff, Jerry and Johnson,
a trilogy of shits.'

107
00:05:11,901 --> 00:05:14,621
Jeremy... Jeremy!

108
00:05:14,661 --> 00:05:17,021
Mark! I'm trying to sleep.

109
00:05:17,061 --> 00:05:20,781
I just wanted to let you know that I am
now going to punch you on the nose.

110
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:23,141
What? Ow! Fuck!

111
00:05:23,181 --> 00:05:27,181
We don't hit. That's the rule!
Or are we hitting now?

112
00:05:27,581 --> 00:05:31,581
'Cold brown, no job, no woman,
no jam, just cold brown.'

113
00:05:31,941 --> 00:05:35,501
'OK, I redundered him,
he face-ploughed me,

114
00:05:35,541 --> 00:05:37,061
'we're equals-pequals.'

115
00:05:37,101 --> 00:05:39,981
Oh, not still with
the silent treatment.

116
00:05:40,021 --> 00:05:42,941
For fuck's sake!
'I love the silent treatment.

117
00:05:42,981 --> 00:05:44,541
'The cold, impervious wall.'

118
00:05:44,581 --> 00:05:46,051
I didn't want you to get fired,

119
00:05:46,131 --> 00:05:48,501
I just wanted my extortionate
payments written off.

120
00:05:48,541 --> 00:05:51,461
You were the one who sold me the
ball-crushing loan in the first place.

121
00:05:51,501 --> 00:05:53,581
You started it. Hmm? Eh?

122
00:05:53,621 --> 00:05:57,301
'He's not luring me back in like that
with a lovely, savage argument.'

123
00:05:57,341 --> 00:06:00,341
Come on, let's have it out.
'Appealing, but no dice.'

124
00:06:00,381 --> 00:06:03,381
'Oh, this is unbearable. I'm gonna
make him come out and fight like a man,

125
00:06:03,421 --> 00:06:04,621
'push it to breaking point.'

126
00:06:04,661 --> 00:06:05,861
Can I have some of your milk?

127
00:06:05,901 --> 00:06:08,381
'He wouldn't.
Not my lovely, white milk.'

128
00:06:08,421 --> 00:06:12,421
Hmm? I'll take that as a yes.

129
00:06:12,701 --> 00:06:15,821
Do say when you want me to stop.

130
00:06:15,861 --> 00:06:18,101
'He's milking me.'

131
00:06:18,141 --> 00:06:19,821
No? I'll fill it right up, then.

132
00:06:19,861 --> 00:06:23,541
'He's got his hands on my udders
and he's actually milking me.'

133
00:06:23,581 --> 00:06:26,461
I'll just get rid of these.

134
00:06:26,501 --> 00:06:30,501
Oops! Apologies.
I'll just tidy these away.

135
00:06:32,661 --> 00:06:36,261
'I will prevail. He can't hurt me
with his Rice Krispie blitz.

136
00:06:36,301 --> 00:06:38,101
'London can take it.'

137
00:06:38,141 --> 00:06:41,248
'What am I going to do now, cover
him in milk and start licking him?'

138
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:43,261
'I'm not going to lick him.'

139
00:06:43,301 --> 00:06:45,541
'April!

140
00:06:45,581 --> 00:06:49,181
'God love the fax
and all the old ways.'

141
00:06:49,221 --> 00:06:52,701
I need a bit of headspace. Molly.

142
00:06:52,741 --> 00:06:54,341
She's a beast, mate.

143
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:57,661
Marmite in the marge. She's a slob.

144
00:06:57,701 --> 00:06:59,141
My peppermint shower gel

145
00:06:59,181 --> 00:07:01,861
just laying on its fucking side,
oozing. What's that all about?

146
00:07:01,901 --> 00:07:03,621
I can't live like that.

147
00:07:03,661 --> 00:07:05,581
'He's never smelt of peppermint.'

148
00:07:05,621 --> 00:07:08,341
Are you all right?
Yeah, fine, knackered.

149
00:07:08,381 --> 00:07:11,141
Three-day bender
and then Mark got fired cos of me

150
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:13,421
and I couldn't sleep
cos of the guilt.

151
00:07:13,461 --> 00:07:16,141
Yeah.
And now he's not speaking to me.

152
00:07:16,181 --> 00:07:18,181
She piles her dirty socks
in the basket

153
00:07:18,221 --> 00:07:20,341
even though it's already overflowing
and I'm like,

154
00:07:20,381 --> 00:07:23,621
"What, do you think it's gonna eat 'em
like the fucking Cookie Monster, love?"

155
00:07:23,661 --> 00:07:26,141
'Shush, Hans,
I'm trying to think about myself.'

156
00:07:26,181 --> 00:07:27,941
Hang on.

157
00:07:27,981 --> 00:07:31,981
Mark, did you piss in my piss?
Cos this piss looks funny.

158
00:07:32,221 --> 00:07:35,541
I don't mind drinking my piss
but your piss, that's over the line.

159
00:07:35,581 --> 00:07:36,941
I understand.

160
00:07:36,981 --> 00:07:38,461
Well, thanks for calling.

161
00:07:38,501 --> 00:07:40,301
Goodbye, April.

162
00:07:40,341 --> 00:07:42,541
Are you all right, mate?

163
00:07:42,581 --> 00:07:46,301
Super Hans, will you please
inform your friend, Specimen A,

164
00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:50,141
that I'm not talking to him.
Oh, mate, not now.

165
00:07:50,181 --> 00:07:52,061
It's Molly. I'm in fucking bits.

166
00:07:52,101 --> 00:07:56,101
Well, likewise. April's gone back
to her husband for good.

167
00:07:56,701 --> 00:07:58,941
It's over. Everything's over.

168
00:07:58,981 --> 00:08:02,981
I'm sorry, Mark. I'm sorry your life
is ruined and it's partly my fault.

169
00:08:03,221 --> 00:08:07,141
Is there a buzzing, an irritating,
backstabbing sort of buzzing?

170
00:08:07,181 --> 00:08:08,941
Oh, God, don't be such a wanker!

171
00:08:08,981 --> 00:08:12,181
He wanted his loan written off
and, well, he succeeded.

172
00:08:12,221 --> 00:08:14,021
Yes! Sorry.

173
00:08:14,061 --> 00:08:16,701
But he's lost a friend
in the process.

174
00:08:16,741 --> 00:08:18,981
Molly's Enders, I'm Corrie,
Corrie till I die.

175
00:08:19,021 --> 00:08:20,981
It's a sign, innit?
You've gotta choose.

176
00:08:21,021 --> 00:08:24,021
You can't be City and United, can
you? Look, Hans, can you shut up?

177
00:08:24,061 --> 00:08:25,141
Because, as we speak,

178
00:08:25,181 --> 00:08:28,261
the love of my life is buying
cruise tickets with her husband

179
00:08:28,301 --> 00:08:31,621
on the high street with the intention
of sailing away for ever

180
00:08:31,661 --> 00:08:33,501
and I'd very much like to sit here

181
00:08:33,541 --> 00:08:36,341
and watch a property-based
reality show while she does it.

182
00:08:36,381 --> 00:08:39,901
Look, mate, I can't just let you sit
there feeling sorry for yourself.

183
00:08:39,941 --> 00:08:41,461
Let's bloody well go and stop her.

184
00:08:41,501 --> 00:08:44,141
If I wanted to stop her,
the last person I'd ask for help

185
00:08:44,181 --> 00:08:47,621
is the most thoughtless, selfish,
venal idiot I've ever met in my life.

186
00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:50,701
'He's talking to me! I win!'

187
00:08:50,741 --> 00:08:52,981
Mark, I am going to help you
save the day with April.

188
00:08:53,021 --> 00:08:54,541
I am going to be your love butler.

189
00:08:54,581 --> 00:08:58,581
Come on, let's at least go and spy in
case there's something to be done, yeah?

190
00:08:58,981 --> 00:09:02,981
'Hmm. I suppose it might be better
than having a cry and a Cornetto.'

191
00:09:04,621 --> 00:09:06,101
I haven't forgiven you, by the way.

192
00:09:06,141 --> 00:09:08,381
I know, you don't have to tell me
after every sentence.

193
00:09:08,421 --> 00:09:09,981
I just wanted to be clear.
It is clear.

194
00:09:10,021 --> 00:09:11,581
Good.
You just need to be ready, Mark,

195
00:09:11,621 --> 00:09:14,141
ready to get April on her own
and tell her how you feel.

196
00:09:14,181 --> 00:09:18,181
Yeah, love's hard, mate, fucking
hard, doesn't work, breaks.

197
00:09:19,261 --> 00:09:21,661
But you've got to give it a go, huh?

198
00:09:21,701 --> 00:09:23,461
Norwich are never gonna
win the league,

199
00:09:23,501 --> 00:09:25,901
but they still turn up every week,
don't they, the pricks?

200
00:09:25,941 --> 00:09:29,941
If you want, I could try and get in
there, waggle the old cock about a bit.

201
00:09:30,381 --> 00:09:31,621
As in? I don't know,

202
00:09:31,661 --> 00:09:35,421
maybe try and make Angus fall in
love with me, fuck him if need be.

203
00:09:35,461 --> 00:09:38,501
Why does every solution you come up
with involve fucking someone?

204
00:09:38,541 --> 00:09:41,101
It's just an idea. Do you think they
sit around in the Cabinet,

205
00:09:41,181 --> 00:09:42,541
talking about sending Philip Hammond

206
00:09:43,061 --> 00:09:46,781
over to fuck Hollande
to sort out the euro?

207
00:09:46,821 --> 00:09:48,901
Oi, Godley & Creme,
they're on the move.

208
00:09:48,941 --> 00:09:51,501
Ooh!
Body language doesn't look great.

209
00:09:51,541 --> 00:09:53,381
It does look a little testy.

210
00:09:53,421 --> 00:09:54,981
Yes... He's off.

211
00:09:55,021 --> 00:09:57,275
Closing time in the
last chance saloon, Mark,

212
00:09:57,355 --> 00:09:59,021
time to grab your nuts and splurge.

213
00:09:59,261 --> 00:10:00,261
Yeah? Yeah.

214
00:10:00,301 --> 00:10:03,301
Oh, fuck! I'm gonna do something.
Be the canary.

215
00:10:03,341 --> 00:10:05,901
Full fucking Delia.
I don't know what you mean.

216
00:10:05,941 --> 00:10:06,981
You go, girl.

217
00:10:07,021 --> 00:10:08,861
This still doesn't mean
I've forgiven you.

218
00:10:08,901 --> 00:10:11,981
Ahh! He's so fucked.

219
00:10:12,021 --> 00:10:14,381
April!

220
00:10:14,421 --> 00:10:16,541
Mark? What are you doing here?

221
00:10:16,581 --> 00:10:18,141
I-I just bumped into you.

222
00:10:18,181 --> 00:10:20,301
Well, no, you just ran round
the corner after me.

223
00:10:20,341 --> 00:10:22,821
No, right, I mean, I just...

224
00:10:22,861 --> 00:10:26,501
Look, could we grab a coffee
for five minutes?

225
00:10:26,541 --> 00:10:30,541
I've got a couple of things
I need to say.

226
00:10:30,661 --> 00:10:34,661
'Got the coffee, disregard the price,
the price of the coffee is irrelevant.'

227
00:10:35,181 --> 00:10:38,101
Thanks, Mark. No biggie. I mean, God
knows how they can charge so much.

228
00:10:38,141 --> 00:10:40,261
They're certainly not spending it
on lampshades.

229
00:10:40,301 --> 00:10:42,621
'Hello, Dad, you're living
inside me now, are you?'

230
00:10:42,661 --> 00:10:44,141
Yeah, so the flight's at midnight.

231
00:10:44,181 --> 00:10:48,181
To Athens. Um, the ferry leaves
tomorrow, all the islands except Corfu.

232
00:10:48,461 --> 00:10:50,621
Oh, not Corfu, why not Corfu?

233
00:10:50,661 --> 00:10:52,301
'He asked innocently.'

234
00:10:52,341 --> 00:10:54,141
Cos that's where Angus
had his affair.

235
00:10:54,181 --> 00:10:57,141
Oh, of course, sorry, I'd forgotten.

236
00:10:57,181 --> 00:10:59,661
Sorry to drag all that up again,
all the resentment.

237
00:10:59,701 --> 00:11:02,221
Sorry. Idiot! It's fine.

238
00:11:02,261 --> 00:11:05,221
Anyway, what I wanted to say,
just before you go,

239
00:11:05,261 --> 00:11:09,261
and if you want me to stop,
just say, but...

240
00:11:09,501 --> 00:11:11,061
Yeah, I...

241
00:11:11,101 --> 00:11:15,101
I basically think that you're just
so funny and clever and brilliant

242
00:11:18,181 --> 00:11:21,261
and I really am sorry
if that makes things difficult,

243
00:11:21,301 --> 00:11:22,544
but I think it's only fair

244
00:11:22,624 --> 00:11:25,301
that you should know that
I think we'd be great together.

245
00:11:26,781 --> 00:11:29,781
I mean, I know I'm not perfect.

246
00:11:29,821 --> 00:11:32,981
In fact,
I'm not even probably average.

247
00:11:33,021 --> 00:11:36,701
I'm a misshapen potato, an oddball.

248
00:11:36,741 --> 00:11:38,221
'Feel free to disagree, April.'

249
00:11:38,261 --> 00:11:42,221
I'm mean-spirited and I only really like
hearing about other people's holidays

250
00:11:42,261 --> 00:11:46,261
when they've been disastrous,
but I...

251
00:11:46,621 --> 00:11:49,621
..I really, really like you.

252
00:11:49,661 --> 00:11:53,661
In fact, in all honesty, I...

253
00:11:53,941 --> 00:11:55,821
..I love you.

254
00:11:55,861 --> 00:11:59,861
Look, it was really weird
the last time we saw each other -

255
00:12:00,461 --> 00:12:03,461
you burying your wife
in a pit of balls.

256
00:12:03,501 --> 00:12:07,501
Ex-wife, and more hiding
than burying, but point taken.

257
00:12:08,461 --> 00:12:11,061
The truth is I...
I do have feelings...

258
00:12:11,101 --> 00:12:12,301
'Feelings!'

259
00:12:12,341 --> 00:12:14,101
..and it's not all been easy
with Angus.

260
00:12:14,141 --> 00:12:17,061
Just had a mini row because he
didn't want to spend an extra 300

261
00:12:17,101 --> 00:12:18,541
on a cabin with a porthole.

262
00:12:18,581 --> 00:12:21,261
If you're gonna be on a boat for
three months, you want a porthole.

263
00:12:21,301 --> 00:12:23,421
Course you do. Huh! Who wouldn't?

264
00:12:23,461 --> 00:12:27,461
'300 quid pissed straight out
the porthole. Correct call, Angus.'

265
00:12:28,461 --> 00:12:29,981
Wow!

266
00:12:30,021 --> 00:12:32,101
OK, wow.

267
00:12:32,141 --> 00:12:35,101
What? It's Angus,
he's been having a think,

268
00:12:35,141 --> 00:12:37,341
and he's not sure
we should go on this cruise.

269
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:39,461
Oh. Oh, right.

270
00:12:39,501 --> 00:12:42,501
'Furrow the brow, furrow the brow
to hide the smile.'

271
00:12:42,541 --> 00:12:45,021
Apparently,
now he wants to go to Ibiza...

272
00:12:45,061 --> 00:12:46,221
alone.

273
00:12:46,261 --> 00:12:47,261
'Alone?'

274
00:12:47,301 --> 00:12:50,141
"See you. Do what the fuck you want.
Goodbye."

275
00:12:50,181 --> 00:12:51,181
'I've won.

276
00:12:51,221 --> 00:12:55,221
'It's like I'm Napoleon invading Moscow
and the tsar's fucked off to Ibiza!

277
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:59,021
'I've conquered the whole of Russia.
I've only gone and won.'

278
00:12:59,081 --> 00:13:02,001
Mark, how's it going,
you lovely rotter?

279
00:13:02,041 --> 00:13:04,081
Everything's coming up roses.

280
00:13:04,121 --> 00:13:07,201
April and I just had an overpriced
coffee and did it in the toilets.

281
00:13:07,241 --> 00:13:09,281
Excellent.
April loves doing it in toilets.

282
00:13:09,321 --> 00:13:12,321
In fact, 100% of the times we've done
it, we've done it in toilets.

283
00:13:12,361 --> 00:13:15,361
I can't wait to do it in a bed.
It'll be amazing.

284
00:13:15,401 --> 00:13:19,401
But the big news is that Angus texted
to say that he's fucked off to Ibiza,

285
00:13:19,681 --> 00:13:21,211
of all places, leaving the coast

286
00:13:21,291 --> 00:13:23,681
clear for me to go off
with his wife on the cruise.

287
00:13:24,641 --> 00:13:26,161
Me and April, April and me!

288
00:13:26,201 --> 00:13:30,201
Man, that is so great. I am really
happy for you. You deserve that.

289
00:13:30,601 --> 00:13:31,801
Look, I just wanted to say,

290
00:13:31,841 --> 00:13:34,241
I-I know things have been
a bit difficult between us

291
00:13:34,281 --> 00:13:37,401
over the last day or so, what with
the punching and the blanking,

292
00:13:37,441 --> 00:13:39,521
but you're a good friend,

293
00:13:39,561 --> 00:13:43,161
although I still haven't
totally forgiven you...mate.

294
00:13:43,201 --> 00:13:45,801
I wouldn't have expected you
to...mate.

295
00:13:49,161 --> 00:13:51,121
Shut the fuck up.

296
00:13:51,161 --> 00:13:53,561
What was that?
I've done something brilliant, Mark.

297
00:13:53,601 --> 00:13:55,681
- Help!
- Shut it.

298
00:13:55,721 --> 00:13:58,281
What the fuck have you done?
I know it's my birthday, not yours,

299
00:13:58,321 --> 00:14:01,881
but I got you a lovely present to say
sorry for making you lose your job

300
00:14:01,921 --> 00:14:03,481
and never paying you any rent

301
00:14:03,521 --> 00:14:06,321
and for falling in love with Dobby,
for everything.

302
00:14:06,361 --> 00:14:07,801
Fuck!

303
00:14:07,841 --> 00:14:10,401
Angus! Jesus, Angus, are you OK?

304
00:14:10,441 --> 00:14:13,281
It's fine, I wanted to come.

305
00:14:13,321 --> 00:14:17,321
Could I possibly get
a glass of water?

306
00:14:17,641 --> 00:14:21,481
They said they were gonna chop my penis
off and put it into another orifice.

307
00:14:21,521 --> 00:14:23,001
Oh, Angus, shush!

308
00:14:23,041 --> 00:14:26,641
Bants, mad bants. They said they had
a sock with a rock in it.

309
00:14:26,681 --> 00:14:29,041
They made me drink urine, Mark.
Human urine.

310
00:14:29,081 --> 00:14:31,361
He greedily gulped
from a bedside bottle

311
00:14:31,401 --> 00:14:33,441
that happened to be
from the golden source.

312
00:14:33,481 --> 00:14:35,761
Let me go, Mark.
Will you let me go? Please!

313
00:14:35,801 --> 00:14:38,841
Angus, you...you must know
I had nothing to do with this.

314
00:14:38,881 --> 00:14:42,681
There you go, you naughty monkey.
Drink it nicely this time.

315
00:14:42,721 --> 00:14:45,721
Not gulpy.

316
00:14:45,761 --> 00:14:47,121
Did you send the text?

317
00:14:47,161 --> 00:14:50,841
Yes. I was worried Ibiza was too
much. Was it too much?

318
00:14:50,881 --> 00:14:53,241
What the fuck have you done, Jeremy?
I've done a good one.

319
00:14:53,281 --> 00:14:55,041
I've cleared the coast,
the coast is clear.

320
00:14:55,081 --> 00:14:57,121
The coast is not clear.
We're all going to prison.

321
00:14:57,161 --> 00:15:00,281
You've gone totally loopy.
You kidnapped Angus.

322
00:15:00,321 --> 00:15:03,721
Or did I invite an unstable oddball
for a lift in Hans's van

323
00:15:03,761 --> 00:15:05,441
then back to here for a snifter,

324
00:15:05,481 --> 00:15:08,161
then he accidentally got locked in
my room for a few hours?

325
00:15:08,201 --> 00:15:09,801
It's our word against his.

326
00:15:09,841 --> 00:15:12,121
This is bad.

327
00:15:12,161 --> 00:15:13,561
This is really bad.

328
00:15:13,601 --> 00:15:16,401
This is brilliant and it totally
worked. You're back with April.

329
00:15:16,441 --> 00:15:18,001
Yes, until she finds out.

330
00:15:18,041 --> 00:15:21,321
I mean, what's the long-term plan?
The long-term plan is sucky-fucky.

331
00:15:21,361 --> 00:15:23,401
Sucky-fucky is not a long-term plan.

332
00:15:23,441 --> 00:15:25,921
Look, how long's the cruise for?
Months.

333
00:15:25,961 --> 00:15:28,681
Chuck her phone off the boat
first day, butterfingers,

334
00:15:28,721 --> 00:15:31,681
then work on her, cement things.
You're in pole position.

335
00:15:33,081 --> 00:15:35,081
She does hate her phone. Exactly.

336
00:15:35,121 --> 00:15:39,081
I-I think we let him go
and I take the hit. No, Mark.

337
00:15:39,121 --> 00:15:43,121
Sail off into the sunset and let your
love butler take care of business.

338
00:15:44,241 --> 00:15:46,001
Agh! Fuck it!

339
00:15:46,041 --> 00:15:48,161
All right.
Leave him in there for now.

340
00:15:48,201 --> 00:15:50,921
Correct decision.
There's always a dark side of love.

341
00:15:50,961 --> 00:15:53,401
Someone's always gonna get
a little bit kidnapped.

342
00:15:56,201 --> 00:15:58,441
Who's that? Oh, er...

343
00:15:58,481 --> 00:15:59,641
Surprise.

344
00:15:59,681 --> 00:16:03,681
Oh, for fuck's sake, Mark, I told you
I didn't want a fucking surprise party!

345
00:16:04,081 --> 00:16:06,161
I thought you were just hiding
your true feelings.

346
00:16:06,201 --> 00:16:08,161
When have I ever hidden
my true feelings?

347
00:16:10,041 --> 00:16:13,321
History man's getting a bit wriggly,
I think he needs restringing.

348
00:16:13,361 --> 00:16:15,041
Give him a poke.

349
00:16:15,081 --> 00:16:17,481
I'm not giving him a poke.
I'm not a fucking hired goon.

350
00:16:17,521 --> 00:16:18,761
Who's on shift? Mark?

351
00:16:18,801 --> 00:16:21,161
I'm not doing a shift.
This is insane.

352
00:16:21,201 --> 00:16:22,801
Relax. Everything's gonna be fine.

353
00:16:22,841 --> 00:16:25,561
You're the British people,
we're Blair and Bush.

354
00:16:25,601 --> 00:16:28,081
We'll do the rendition.
You just have a glass of wine

355
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:30,361
and pretend nothing's happening.

356
00:16:30,401 --> 00:16:33,601
- Right, gag him, Hans.
- No, no!

357
00:16:33,641 --> 00:16:34,681
April!

358
00:16:34,721 --> 00:16:36,361
'Tell her we're leaving.'
Hi, Mark.

359
00:16:36,401 --> 00:16:37,401
How the hell are you?

360
00:16:37,441 --> 00:16:40,321
'Oh, God, she's coming in. Just act
normal. Don't arouse suspicion.'

361
00:16:40,361 --> 00:16:42,521
Oh, shall I do the do
with the party stuff?

362
00:16:42,561 --> 00:16:43,561
Oh, er, yeah.

363
00:16:43,601 --> 00:16:44,761
'Don't open the door.'

364
00:16:44,801 --> 00:16:45,801
Hi. Hi.

365
00:16:45,841 --> 00:16:48,641
'She didn't see, she didn't see.
Calm down, Mark.'

366
00:16:48,681 --> 00:16:51,561
The kangaroo is tied down, sport.

367
00:16:51,601 --> 00:16:54,161
'He's not a kangaroo,
he's an eminent theologian.'

368
00:16:54,201 --> 00:16:56,041
Hello, Jeremy. Surprise.

369
00:16:56,081 --> 00:17:00,081
Come on in. Thanks for coming,
but put that in the fridge if you want.

370
00:17:00,161 --> 00:17:02,521
Why did you invite her? She
hates me.

371
00:17:02,561 --> 00:17:05,361
I stole her boyfriend. Sorry, but
when I was doing the invites,

372
00:17:05,401 --> 00:17:08,641
it became clear that you've betrayed
everyone you've ever been close to.

373
00:17:08,681 --> 00:17:11,961
I think that's why
the majority declined.

374
00:17:12,001 --> 00:17:13,521
Hi, Jeremy. Oh, hi, Molly.

375
00:17:13,561 --> 00:17:14,881
Happy birthday...

376
00:17:14,921 --> 00:17:17,521
I guess is what you're meant to say.

377
00:17:17,561 --> 00:17:18,801
Go on through.

378
00:17:18,841 --> 00:17:21,241
I wouldn't say we were
scraping the barrel,

379
00:17:21,281 --> 00:17:23,721
but, well, you've just not been great
at keeping in touch.

380
00:17:23,761 --> 00:17:25,081
Hey, Jez.

381
00:17:25,121 --> 00:17:26,721
Look tired.

382
00:17:26,761 --> 00:17:30,761
Yeah, well, I'm definitely not.
So...I got you a present.

383
00:17:31,761 --> 00:17:33,841
Tickets? It's your dream trip.

384
00:17:33,881 --> 00:17:37,721
We leave after the party, dance till
dawn, party bus to Derby, night out,

385
00:17:37,761 --> 00:17:40,490
fly to Belfast, rave, get on
the party boat to Bristol

386
00:17:40,570 --> 00:17:41,761
- yes, it really exists -

387
00:17:42,521 --> 00:17:43,601
we stay up for a week.

388
00:17:43,641 --> 00:17:47,641
Stay up for a week? Oh, right,
so, what, no sleeping at all?

389
00:17:48,601 --> 00:17:50,504
Oh, we'll have naughties
to keep us going,

390
00:17:50,584 --> 00:17:52,001
but we can sleep when we're dead.

391
00:17:52,041 --> 00:17:53,961
'Which will be within a week.'

392
00:17:54,001 --> 00:17:56,041
OK, come in, everyone.

393
00:17:56,081 --> 00:17:58,281
Happy birthday, Jeremy.

394
00:17:58,321 --> 00:17:59,321
39 today.

395
00:17:59,361 --> 00:18:00,921
'Second year in a row.'

396
00:18:00,961 --> 00:18:04,961
Here's to Jeremy
and three amazing months on the Med.

397
00:18:07,361 --> 00:18:09,841
'Oh, shit! Filibuster. Don't turn.'

398
00:18:09,881 --> 00:18:11,401
Great.

399
00:18:11,441 --> 00:18:15,441
Yeah, I tell you what I would like
to do for Jeremy is...is filibuster.

400
00:18:17,801 --> 00:18:19,161
I mean, a speech.

401
00:18:19,201 --> 00:18:20,201
Oh, OK.

402
00:18:20,241 --> 00:18:22,281
'Ugh! Now I've got to make
a fucking speech.'

403
00:18:22,321 --> 00:18:24,921
You're 40 today? Yep, apparently.

404
00:18:24,961 --> 00:18:28,161
That's what the banner says.
But you said you were 38 turning 39.

405
00:18:28,201 --> 00:18:32,201
Did I? Yeah, maybe, I forget.
Yeah, 38, 39, 40, in that area.

406
00:18:33,281 --> 00:18:37,281
You definitely said
you were turning 39, the big 3-9.

407
00:18:37,961 --> 00:18:39,361
It's not a big deal, whatever.

408
00:18:39,401 --> 00:18:40,561
So why lie?

409
00:18:40,601 --> 00:18:43,001
I didn't, I just misspoke.

410
00:18:43,041 --> 00:18:44,321
It's fine, it's just...

411
00:18:44,361 --> 00:18:46,281
It's weird
that you wouldn't think it's fine.

412
00:18:46,321 --> 00:18:49,281
Look, Joe, I'm sorry,
but the truth is I'm 40

413
00:18:49,321 --> 00:18:51,441
and I don't want to go raving
for a week.

414
00:18:51,481 --> 00:18:54,641
I want to stay up till about one
and then go to bed

415
00:18:54,681 --> 00:18:57,161
and listen to my Mr Nice audiobook.

416
00:18:57,201 --> 00:18:59,161
Bed at one.
One isn't even the night.

417
00:18:59,201 --> 00:19:03,201
It is, Joe. Look, I can't rave
all day and fuck all night,

418
00:19:03,641 --> 00:19:06,401
and, honestly, I don't even like
drinking my own piss.

419
00:19:06,441 --> 00:19:08,521
You drink your own piss?
Yes, I eat cashews

420
00:19:08,561 --> 00:19:11,041
and I drink my own piss
and it doesn't work.

421
00:19:11,081 --> 00:19:14,921
I'm never gonna be young, dumb and full
of come ever again and that's that.

422
00:19:14,961 --> 00:19:16,521
Fine. I get it.

423
00:19:16,561 --> 00:19:20,561
I want to come with you,
but I'm just scared I might die.

424
00:19:20,801 --> 00:19:23,721
Maybe I'll ask Megan
if she wants to come instead.

425
00:19:23,761 --> 00:19:26,201
Joe... Don't go, Joe.

426
00:19:26,241 --> 00:19:28,881
'Oh, I've driven him away
with my horrible oldness.

427
00:19:28,921 --> 00:19:32,921
'Yeah, Megan, you're 29 now,
but one day you'll be, like, 56.'

428
00:19:33,121 --> 00:19:35,961
- Speech!
- Speech!

429
00:19:36,001 --> 00:19:39,001
Come on, Mark, you start. Yeah.

430
00:19:39,041 --> 00:19:41,641
'Here goes.
Quick speech and then cruise.'

431
00:19:41,681 --> 00:19:45,681
Jeremy. What can I say?
A man I know very well indeed.

432
00:19:46,841 --> 00:19:50,841
'That's probably as far as I can
truthfully go on the endearment stakes.'

433
00:19:51,481 --> 00:19:55,481
Um... He's...he's not a great man,
he's not a wise man,

434
00:19:55,921 --> 00:19:58,521
he's not always a good man.

435
00:19:58,561 --> 00:20:00,361
'OK, where am I going?'

436
00:20:00,401 --> 00:20:02,281
But he is a...

437
00:20:02,321 --> 00:20:04,881
a nice man...

438
00:20:04,921 --> 00:20:07,201
..up to a point...

439
00:20:07,241 --> 00:20:09,841
and I...

440
00:20:09,881 --> 00:20:11,481
like him.

441
00:20:11,521 --> 00:20:15,001
There, I've said it, hope he's happy.

442
00:20:15,041 --> 00:20:16,321
Speech, Jez.

443
00:20:16,361 --> 00:20:17,761
Speech! Speech!

444
00:20:17,801 --> 00:20:21,801
Um, thanks, Mark.
We're, er, quite a gang, obviously,

445
00:20:22,681 --> 00:20:25,521
us two - brains and the funny one,

446
00:20:25,561 --> 00:20:29,561
the old, stick-up-his-arse,
boring-jumper one

447
00:20:30,841 --> 00:20:34,801
and the sexy, pep-up-the-party,
acid-in-the-punchbowl one.

448
00:20:34,841 --> 00:20:36,801
'He loves triggering mental illness.'

449
00:20:36,841 --> 00:20:40,841
But we get on pretty well and we have
our ups and downs, like any couple.

450
00:20:41,401 --> 00:20:45,281
'Hold on. If Hans is here,
who's with the hostage?

451
00:20:45,321 --> 00:20:48,601
'Oh, God, I've got
an unattended hostage.'

452
00:20:48,641 --> 00:20:52,641
..And, er, a boring bastard sometimes,
but at the end of the day,

453
00:20:53,001 --> 00:20:56,881
we've lived together for shit long
and it's been...

454
00:20:56,921 --> 00:20:57,921
all right.

455
00:20:57,961 --> 00:21:00,041
'Oh, fuck!

456
00:21:00,081 --> 00:21:03,321
'Got to keep the attention.'

457
00:21:03,361 --> 00:21:07,361
Er, yeah, and if I could just say
one more thing, um, Jeremy, Jez, er,

458
00:21:11,321 --> 00:21:15,321
please always...keep on...being you.

459
00:21:16,201 --> 00:21:18,281
'Totally meaningless.
I'm gonna get rumbled.'

460
00:21:18,321 --> 00:21:21,961
'That is sweet. That might be
the nicest thing he's ever said.'

461
00:21:22,001 --> 00:21:25,641
Oi, April! Angus?

462
00:21:25,681 --> 00:21:29,681
'Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!'

463
00:21:29,921 --> 00:21:31,121
Mark?

464
00:21:31,161 --> 00:21:33,921
Help, don't let them kill me.
Oh, Angus, don't be a big silly.

465
00:21:33,961 --> 00:21:35,881
We were just hanging out.
It's all fine.

466
00:21:35,921 --> 00:21:38,801
He said he was going to cut my
willy off and put it into my bottom.

467
00:21:38,841 --> 00:21:42,841
Jokey, I said it jokey, Angus,
you've got to admit that, right?

468
00:21:42,881 --> 00:21:45,321
Simon? What's going on, Mark?

469
00:21:45,361 --> 00:21:49,361
This has nothing to do with Mark or
Hans. It's all my doing.

470
00:21:49,441 --> 00:21:50,561
It's all your doing?

471
00:21:50,601 --> 00:21:54,601
Angus wanted stuff done to him, I wasn't
into it, it's all pretty disgusting,

472
00:21:55,561 --> 00:21:58,841
I don't wanna go into details,
but it's complicated.

473
00:21:58,881 --> 00:22:01,681
We'll probably never fully
understand, like Stonehenge.

474
00:22:01,721 --> 00:22:05,721
Mark knew. Mark saw it all. They got
me outside the travel agency.

475
00:22:07,881 --> 00:22:10,121
Molly. For fuck's sake!

476
00:22:10,161 --> 00:22:13,401
'Who could have possibly predicted
that falsely imprisoning a love rival

477
00:22:13,441 --> 00:22:16,641
'would turn out so badly?
Only a genius.'

478
00:22:16,681 --> 00:22:18,041
April, don't go.

479
00:22:18,081 --> 00:22:22,081
'A real night to remember,
like the Titanic.'

480
00:22:23,161 --> 00:22:25,561
Right, well, it's over with Molly.

481
00:22:25,601 --> 00:22:28,761
Apparently I'm not even allowed to
do a little fucking naughty kidnap,

482
00:22:28,801 --> 00:22:31,321
so bollocks to it.

483
00:22:31,361 --> 00:22:35,321
I'm going to van it to Macedonia,
finally set up the moped rental.

484
00:22:35,361 --> 00:22:38,001
Yeah? Yeah.

485
00:22:38,041 --> 00:22:39,841
Laters.

486
00:22:39,881 --> 00:22:43,881
See you.

487
00:22:44,161 --> 00:22:45,681
Are we gonna be all right?

488
00:22:45,721 --> 00:22:47,608
'The project
to reintroduce wolves

489
00:22:47,688 --> 00:22:49,721
into this habitat
has been controversial...'

490
00:22:49,881 --> 00:22:53,201
'That's the last thing I need.'

491
00:22:53,241 --> 00:22:55,281
Now they're bringing back wolves.

492
00:22:55,321 --> 00:22:59,321
Oh, God, I am so tired. What next?

493
00:22:59,681 --> 00:23:03,681
Bring back smallpox? We all had fun
with the smallpox, didn't we?

494
00:23:04,481 --> 00:23:08,121
Is it time smallpox had a reboot?
Mark?

495
00:23:08,161 --> 00:23:11,961
Will you pull me off? I'm not
about to pull you off, Jeremy.

496
00:23:12,001 --> 00:23:15,561
And if you think about it,
I'm sure you don't really want me to.

497
00:23:15,601 --> 00:23:17,081
Sure. Whatever.

498
00:23:17,121 --> 00:23:19,001
I just thought it might be
comforting.

499
00:23:19,041 --> 00:23:23,041
What about I read to you
from Napoleon's correspondence?

500
00:23:24,001 --> 00:23:25,921
If I was going to kill you,

501
00:23:25,961 --> 00:23:28,041
I'd have a great sign-off. Yeah?

502
00:23:28,081 --> 00:23:32,081
You always loved history, Mark,
well, now you can be part of it.

503
00:23:32,921 --> 00:23:34,201
Bang!

504
00:23:34,241 --> 00:23:38,121
Yeah, not bad, not bad at all.

505
00:23:38,161 --> 00:23:42,161
I think I'd just come at you in
the night, pillow on the face, cark!

506
00:23:42,521 --> 00:23:44,641
Yeah, that's you all over.

507
00:23:44,681 --> 00:23:46,841
Aw, we do love each other really.

508
00:23:46,881 --> 00:23:49,081
'I simply must get rid of him.'