1 00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:03,680 "Tina screamed for nurse. 2 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:06,320 But little miss nurse didn't come. 3 00:00:06,360 --> 00:00:08,440 Little miss nurse was out in the back room 4 00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:11,040 having a cigarette and flirting with doctor. 5 00:00:11,960 --> 00:00:14,600 The pain shot through her like a big bullet. 6 00:00:14,640 --> 00:00:17,040 She knew babies were meant to kick 7 00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:19,480 but were they meant to scratch? 8 00:00:20,080 --> 00:00:22,280 No, they weren't." 9 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:27,360 Salutations, friend. 10 00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,440 I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer, 11 00:00:29,480 --> 00:00:31,680 although I prefer the term dreamweaver. 12 00:00:32,440 --> 00:00:34,760 When I wrote, directed and starred 13 00:00:34,800 --> 00:00:38,280 in 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' for television back in the 1980s 14 00:00:38,320 --> 00:00:40,720 I drew deep drafts of inspiration 15 00:00:40,760 --> 00:00:42,880 from the dyke of my dreams. 16 00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:45,040 Other times I copied the plots from dead authors 17 00:00:45,080 --> 00:00:47,200 on whose work the copyright had lapsed. 18 00:00:47,240 --> 00:00:48,800 Bite me. 19 00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,360 Tonight's episode, however, 20 00:00:50,400 --> 00:00:52,160 is based on a true life story, 21 00:00:52,200 --> 00:00:54,280 which meant I could bang it out in under a day. 22 00:00:55,400 --> 00:00:59,480 I was told when I was 16 that my balls didn't work. 23 00:00:59,960 --> 00:01:02,480 They dropped but they kept on going 24 00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:04,760 and it was a question of either having them removed 25 00:01:04,800 --> 00:01:07,160 or going around with really long balls, 26 00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:09,320 like a couple of marbles in a hiking sock. 27 00:01:09,960 --> 00:01:13,160 I chose the latter option, and fortune favoured me, 28 00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,600 because the day I hit 30 they winched right back up. 29 00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:20,600 Point 'tis, I thought of myself as a freak, an other. 30 00:01:20,640 --> 00:01:24,960 For years I wondered what exactly my goolies would sire, would it be human? 31 00:01:25,920 --> 00:01:28,280 Thankfully, when I impregnated my wife, Pam, 32 00:01:28,320 --> 00:01:31,560 she dutifully gave birth to twins. A huge relief, 33 00:01:31,600 --> 00:01:33,560 though for years I couldn't shake off the fear 34 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,440 that one of them might eat the other. 35 00:01:35,480 --> 00:01:38,160 Luckily they didn't, which I put down to good parenting. 36 00:01:40,400 --> 00:01:44,040 Tonight's teleplay is about others, or mutants. 37 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:46,360 It's also about my own desire for a son, 38 00:01:46,400 --> 00:01:49,240 which I'll probably never have now because my wife's too old. 39 00:01:50,000 --> 00:01:52,440 So here is my paean to the put-upon, 40 00:01:52,480 --> 00:01:55,080 lovingly restored with interviews from myself, 41 00:01:55,120 --> 00:01:57,080 my publisher, Dean Learner, 42 00:01:57,120 --> 00:01:58,960 and the actor Todd Rivers. 43 00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:00,880 That way 'Darkplace' will finally 44 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:03,040 get the critical acclaim it deserves. 45 00:02:03,880 --> 00:02:05,240 Savour. 46 00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,200 I'm Garth Marenghi, 47 00:02:21,240 --> 00:02:25,040 author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor. 48 00:02:27,000 --> 00:02:29,960 You are about to enter the world of my imagination. 49 00:02:31,200 --> 00:02:34,160 You are entering my Darkplace. 50 00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,240 Memories. 51 00:03:27,160 --> 00:03:31,120 Dr. Dagless to Ward B, Dr. Dagless to Ward B. 52 00:03:31,600 --> 00:03:34,480 Thanks for coming, Dr. Dagless. I thought I heard voices. 53 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:36,920 Locked. 54 00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,520 Funny, I don't remember locking this door. 55 00:03:41,200 --> 00:03:43,000 And yet it is locked. 56 00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:51,520 Oh, my God. 57 00:03:53,080 --> 00:03:54,800 Look at the size of that thing's rod. 58 00:04:06,720 --> 00:04:08,320 Not a word of this to anyone. Capiche? 59 00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:13,400 Look at that poor man, not only has he just been screwed by a giant eye, 60 00:04:13,440 --> 00:04:14,800 he's now giving birth. 61 00:04:40,960 --> 00:04:44,040 The actor who played that part was not happy. 62 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:48,480 However, I had taken him aside that morning 63 00:04:48,520 --> 00:04:50,640 and explained to him what was gonna happen. 64 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:55,080 I was gonna keep the crew down to about ten, 12 people. 65 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,040 The guy who was behind him in the eye, 66 00:04:57,080 --> 00:04:59,760 he was a man whom he knew 67 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:03,640 and until that day trusted. I think that scene's beautiful. 68 00:05:03,680 --> 00:05:07,360 I just think it's very sad that we've had to pixellate out an erection. 69 00:05:07,400 --> 00:05:09,960 I just think it's very sad that we've had to pixellate that, 70 00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:11,800 that people are too frightened of that. 71 00:05:11,840 --> 00:05:13,680 I mean, I just think it's pathetic. 72 00:05:13,720 --> 00:05:15,720 You know, we've all got one. 73 00:05:15,760 --> 00:05:18,760 Let's get on with it. I could have one now, you wouldn't know. 74 00:05:20,280 --> 00:05:21,880 I've not got one. 75 00:05:28,600 --> 00:05:30,920 My name is Dr. Rick Dagless, M.D. 76 00:05:30,960 --> 00:05:34,400 Who would have thought that that giant eye was once a young man? 77 00:05:34,440 --> 00:05:36,400 The guy was undergoing 78 00:05:36,440 --> 00:05:38,560 experimental gamma ray treatment for mumps 79 00:05:38,600 --> 00:05:40,440 when the eyeball of a sex offender 80 00:05:40,480 --> 00:05:42,280 got in the reactor chamber with him. 81 00:05:42,320 --> 00:05:44,640 But if you sell your body for medical experiments 82 00:05:44,680 --> 00:05:47,440 to make a quick buck, you've got roll with the punches. 83 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:50,200 At least he was at peace now on account of being dead. 84 00:05:50,720 --> 00:05:54,160 What I couldn't work out was how he'd managed to make another man pregnant. 85 00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:56,200 I guess we'd never know. 86 00:05:56,240 --> 00:05:59,000 So just to re-state, that is something we'll never know. 87 00:05:59,040 --> 00:06:00,440 You're not gonna find out later. 88 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:02,160 I should've given the kid up 89 00:06:02,200 --> 00:06:03,960 to hospital top brass straight away 90 00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,840 but I couldn't. I dunno why 91 00:06:05,880 --> 00:06:08,280 but it felt good to have this little fella near to me. 92 00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:10,760 I guess it felt like I had son again. 93 00:06:15,480 --> 00:06:16,880 Don't play with the windows. 94 00:06:22,400 --> 00:06:24,720 Reed hauled us in for the morning debrief, 95 00:06:24,760 --> 00:06:27,760 but this morning, I was determined that my briefs were staying on. 96 00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,320 Even in times of extreme stress, 97 00:06:29,360 --> 00:06:31,320 I was determined to stay sardonic 98 00:06:31,360 --> 00:06:33,800 but If they found my baby I don't know what they'd do. 99 00:06:33,840 --> 00:06:36,040 Dissect him probably. 100 00:06:36,080 --> 00:06:38,000 As I'm sure you people are aware, 101 00:06:38,040 --> 00:06:40,560 Won Ton's gamma radiation mumps programme went west 102 00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:42,600 and created a horny giant eye on legs. 103 00:06:42,640 --> 00:06:44,400 I heard about that. Did they ever find it? 104 00:06:44,440 --> 00:06:47,280 It was found dead last night. It'd been shot in the eye. 105 00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:50,680 Good riddance to him. That's that done and dusted. 106 00:06:50,720 --> 00:06:53,080 Negative, Sanch. It's neither done nor dusted. 107 00:06:53,960 --> 00:06:57,840 Won Ton has reason to believe that the giant eye might have fathered a child. 108 00:06:58,520 --> 00:07:00,400 Dag? Any thoughts? 109 00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:02,280 I don't know anything about it. 110 00:07:02,320 --> 00:07:04,800 I think there are more important matters at present. 111 00:07:04,840 --> 00:07:06,280 Could you give me an example? 112 00:07:06,320 --> 00:07:08,160 Like hospital bloody hygiene. 113 00:07:08,200 --> 00:07:10,416 I went into the gents and there was a big pube on the pipe 114 00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,880 so I had to use the one in E wing. 115 00:07:11,920 --> 00:07:13,560 It's true, I went there two months back 116 00:07:13,600 --> 00:07:15,600 and there was a piece of shit stuck to the seat! 117 00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:17,880 Someone's gonna have to pick that pube off the pipe. 118 00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,320 Come on, surely we can discuss something more sanitary. 119 00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,240 As if your fanny never graced a pan. 120 00:07:22,280 --> 00:07:25,000 - What's crawled up your crack? - She has. She's so up herself. 121 00:07:25,040 --> 00:07:28,080 You shut your mouth. Or so help me God, I'll punch your lights out. 122 00:07:28,120 --> 00:07:30,440 Dunno what the hell's got into him. Come on, Liz, 123 00:07:30,480 --> 00:07:32,440 I'll help you apply some more make-up. 124 00:07:34,280 --> 00:07:36,200 Anyway, I'm outta here. 125 00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:40,760 Not so fast, mister. 126 00:07:41,840 --> 00:07:43,760 Where were you last night? 127 00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:45,880 - Nowhere. - Nowhere? 128 00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,760 That's right, nowhere. 129 00:07:47,800 --> 00:07:49,600 Nowhere can be a lonely place to be. 130 00:07:49,640 --> 00:07:51,120 I get by. 131 00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:53,200 It's just that I've been hearing some things. 132 00:07:54,400 --> 00:07:55,720 What things? 133 00:07:55,760 --> 00:07:57,920 A lot of things. Strange things. 134 00:07:57,960 --> 00:08:00,560 Crazy things. Things, Dag. 135 00:08:00,600 --> 00:08:03,000 - Things? - Things. 136 00:08:03,040 --> 00:08:06,040 Well, you shouldn't believe every-thing you hear, Thornton. 137 00:08:06,080 --> 00:08:09,160 You're hiding some-thing, Dag. I could swear it. 138 00:08:09,200 --> 00:08:13,240 I'm gonna give you 24 hours to get your sorry ship to shore. 139 00:08:13,280 --> 00:08:16,560 After that, I'll do whatever it takes to hunt you down. 140 00:08:16,600 --> 00:08:18,240 I don't know what you're talking about. 141 00:08:18,280 --> 00:08:21,480 24 hours, Dag. 24 hours. 142 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:24,880 23 hours, 59 minutes. 143 00:08:24,920 --> 00:08:27,200 Don't make me stand here and count. 144 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:29,840 See you later. I would stay, 145 00:08:29,880 --> 00:08:32,400 but the air's starting to stink round here. 146 00:08:32,440 --> 00:08:35,320 Not from me it's not. I just went. 147 00:08:43,040 --> 00:08:45,000 Reed was onto me. 148 00:08:45,040 --> 00:08:47,680 I needed to stash the sprog till the heat cooled off. 149 00:08:47,720 --> 00:08:50,480 I had to get my baby to the staff room quick. 150 00:08:51,000 --> 00:08:52,720 Attention, all doctors... 151 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:54,320 keep a look out for a dangerous eye 152 00:08:54,360 --> 00:08:56,040 that is on the loose on the ward. 153 00:08:57,480 --> 00:08:59,920 This is a DEF COM four situation, 154 00:08:59,960 --> 00:09:03,320 I repeat this is a DEF COM four situation. 155 00:09:40,280 --> 00:09:43,920 Make-up really is a godsend. Now that my cheeks are freshly rouged, 156 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:47,280 I feel like a real human woman again, like I can face the world. 157 00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,800 If the world didn't include Dr. Rick Dagless M.D. 158 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:53,120 What was up with him? I'm going to try and pump him for information. 159 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,360 That's Liz coming. Remember, Dagless, she's psychic. 160 00:09:56,400 --> 00:09:59,040 Don't think of anything or she'll read your mind. 161 00:09:59,080 --> 00:10:01,040 Here have a thumb of this book. 162 00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:03,320 It looks like a tawdry horror paperback 163 00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:05,160 but it might take your mind off things. 164 00:10:07,320 --> 00:10:09,640 "Romford is the cruellest of cities..." 165 00:10:09,680 --> 00:10:11,200 Nice start. 166 00:10:11,240 --> 00:10:13,240 "Beneath its skylined tattered shards 167 00:10:13,280 --> 00:10:15,200 lay a million broken dreams." 168 00:10:15,240 --> 00:10:18,600 This is good. I've misjudged the genre, like so many. 169 00:10:18,640 --> 00:10:21,040 I'm going to find out what's really going on. 170 00:10:21,080 --> 00:10:24,080 I took that batch of slides down to floor six. 171 00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,000 "That morning it had rained 172 00:10:26,040 --> 00:10:28,080 but it cleared up again in the afternoon." 173 00:10:28,920 --> 00:10:31,200 It'll be great when that new microscope arrives. 174 00:10:31,240 --> 00:10:33,680 "This great city was home to Trent Stockton 175 00:10:33,720 --> 00:10:35,880 and when he saw injustice 176 00:10:35,920 --> 00:10:38,560 anger rose up in him like a bad sandwich." 177 00:10:38,600 --> 00:10:41,560 Word is it's coming Thursday, but you know what deliveries are like. 178 00:10:41,600 --> 00:10:43,800 Unreliable. - Especially these days. 179 00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:47,120 Hold on Dag, remember, Liz can read your mind. 180 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:49,880 He's on to me. Best change tack. What are you reading? 181 00:10:49,920 --> 00:10:53,520 Oh, nothing just some horror novel by this guy, Gareth Murunghi. 182 00:10:53,560 --> 00:10:55,920 Garth Marenghi! He's my favourite. 183 00:10:55,960 --> 00:10:58,640 - I've read everything he's done. - I can take it or leave it. 184 00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:00,800 Shit, that was a really bad throw. 185 00:11:00,840 --> 00:11:02,976 I hope she doesn't see the photo I'm using as a bookmark. 186 00:11:03,000 --> 00:11:05,480 - Who's this? - That's my son. 187 00:11:05,520 --> 00:11:07,520 I didn't know you had a... 188 00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,320 He's dead. 189 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,160 He was born half boy, half grasshopper. 190 00:11:11,200 --> 00:11:13,960 He never had a chance. End of. 191 00:11:14,880 --> 00:11:17,280 - I think you'd better go, Liz. - I think I better had. 192 00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:18,520 - Well, go then. - I'm going. 193 00:11:19,400 --> 00:11:20,400 - Bye. - Goodbye. 194 00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,480 Now she's gone I can think about the eye-child. 195 00:11:27,040 --> 00:11:28,240 Eye-child? 196 00:11:44,000 --> 00:11:47,400 This episode is really about my own desire to have a son. 197 00:11:47,440 --> 00:11:49,680 I have four daughters 198 00:11:49,720 --> 00:11:52,720 and whilst I don't blame them as such, 199 00:11:52,760 --> 00:11:54,960 I don't really feel they're on my side. 200 00:11:56,120 --> 00:12:00,280 And so you think this eye-child is linked with the big eye that raped the man in B wing? 201 00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:02,480 Maybe not linked. But they're definitely connected. 202 00:12:02,520 --> 00:12:05,200 It's just what Reed feared. Why would Dagless be hiding it? 203 00:12:05,240 --> 00:12:08,520 Wait a minute, today is the anniversary of Dagless' son's death. 204 00:12:08,560 --> 00:12:11,240 Maybe he's using this eye-child to fill a void left by his dead son. 205 00:12:11,280 --> 00:12:13,320 It's a punt up a dark alley but it's all I've got. 206 00:12:13,360 --> 00:12:15,200 I suggest we tell Reed that it's Dagless 207 00:12:15,240 --> 00:12:17,360 who's harbouring this eye-child as soon a possible. 208 00:12:17,400 --> 00:12:20,120 Aye-aye! Hey, this cat's got claws. 209 00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:21,680 Everything's a joke to you, isn't it? 210 00:12:21,720 --> 00:12:24,120 - Not everything, Liz. - I'm going for a shower. 211 00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:26,400 I'll be with you in two secs. You can scrub my legs. 212 00:12:26,440 --> 00:12:27,800 Men. 213 00:12:27,840 --> 00:12:29,960 You better believe it. I'll phone Reed. 214 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:32,760 Get me Reed. Oh, it's you. 215 00:12:32,800 --> 00:12:34,680 It's Sanch here. It's about Dag. 216 00:12:38,560 --> 00:12:40,160 Hey, there, little guy. 217 00:12:41,800 --> 00:12:43,240 We're family now. 218 00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,320 You can call me Pops or Dadda. 219 00:12:47,280 --> 00:12:49,120 And I can call you Skipper. 220 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,920 I once had a little boy called Skipper. 221 00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:55,600 He was different, too. 222 00:12:56,400 --> 00:12:58,680 And when you're different, people fear you. 223 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:01,600 Look at Michael Jackson, or the Krankies, 224 00:13:01,640 --> 00:13:03,720 although I think they're quite shrewd. 225 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:07,920 But it is our duty to fight prejudice and injustice, 226 00:13:07,960 --> 00:13:11,120 whether in be in 'Nam, where I fought for my country, 227 00:13:11,160 --> 00:13:13,360 or right here on the streets of Romford. 228 00:13:14,960 --> 00:13:16,920 Come on, 229 00:13:16,960 --> 00:13:18,960 let's get you back to beddie-byes. 230 00:13:23,480 --> 00:13:27,200 ♪ Day draws into nightfall 231 00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,680 ♪ Yonder stars shine bright 232 00:13:30,720 --> 00:13:33,680 ♪ You can be my baby 233 00:13:33,720 --> 00:13:37,280 ♪ I hope that is alright 234 00:13:37,320 --> 00:13:40,320 ♪ Daddy don't forget me 235 00:13:40,360 --> 00:13:43,840 ♪ I haven't but you're dead 236 00:13:43,880 --> 00:13:48,960 ♪ You have a little brother now ♪ 237 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:55,080 ♪ And one day we'll all meet in Valhalla ♪ 238 00:14:27,680 --> 00:14:29,480 I love you, Skipper. 239 00:14:30,840 --> 00:14:32,080 Both of you. 240 00:14:39,680 --> 00:14:42,440 Put the eye down, and your hands up! I repeat. 241 00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:44,480 Put the eye down and your hands up! 242 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,920 Give it up, Dag. That thing's a potential killer. 243 00:14:49,960 --> 00:14:51,760 Look at these lab results. 244 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:55,080 If you're gonna grab me by the balls, at least have the decency 245 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:57,336 not to wave a piece of paper in my face at the same time. 246 00:14:57,360 --> 00:14:59,136 Look, Dag, don't get your panties in a scrunch, 247 00:14:59,160 --> 00:15:00,800 there's nothing we can do. 248 00:15:00,840 --> 00:15:02,280 My orders come from the top. 249 00:15:02,320 --> 00:15:04,400 This is from Won Ton himself. 250 00:15:04,440 --> 00:15:06,000 I remember the old Reed. 251 00:15:06,040 --> 00:15:07,760 The Reed that wouldn't kowtow to Won Ton. 252 00:15:07,800 --> 00:15:09,400 You know how I feel about Won Ton. 253 00:15:09,440 --> 00:15:10,840 If I saw him in the street, 254 00:15:10,880 --> 00:15:12,560 I wouldn't even stop to slap his ass. 255 00:15:12,600 --> 00:15:14,560 But believe me, he's one fiery dragon 256 00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,280 whose tail you do not want to tug. 257 00:15:16,320 --> 00:15:18,880 Trust me, it won't be harmed. 258 00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,600 It has a name. It's called Skipper. 259 00:15:21,640 --> 00:15:24,640 Look, Rick, we all know you've had a coach class trip to hell and back 260 00:15:24,680 --> 00:15:27,080 with your dead son but you've got to get over it. 261 00:15:27,120 --> 00:15:29,680 That thing's dangerous. Can't you see that? 262 00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:32,080 You know what, Sanch, you can dissect a heart 263 00:15:32,120 --> 00:15:34,440 but you'll never find out what makes it skip a beat. 264 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:37,240 Look, Dag. This is hospital business now. 265 00:15:37,280 --> 00:15:39,640 Hand him over. 'Kay? 266 00:15:39,680 --> 00:15:40,880 'Kay. 267 00:15:41,400 --> 00:15:42,480 'Kay? 268 00:15:42,520 --> 00:15:43,560 'Kay. 269 00:15:44,440 --> 00:15:45,440 'Kay. 270 00:15:46,640 --> 00:15:49,400 But as soon as I'd finished saying 'kay to Reed, 271 00:15:49,440 --> 00:15:51,560 I had a fearful premovision. 272 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:59,120 Freak! 273 00:16:01,800 --> 00:16:03,200 Skipper! 274 00:16:03,240 --> 00:16:05,840 I knew what I had to do. 275 00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:17,880 Look out! He's got a stick! 276 00:16:57,800 --> 00:17:00,000 Sit there, little 'un. Watch my glasses? 277 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:08,120 Keep away from me! Keep away! 278 00:17:09,960 --> 00:17:12,640 He's insane! He doesn't know what he's doing! 279 00:17:15,320 --> 00:17:17,440 Pin him down, man, for Christ's sake! 280 00:17:19,720 --> 00:17:21,440 Calm him down. 281 00:17:23,480 --> 00:17:26,640 You're acting like an ape. A wild ape. 282 00:17:26,680 --> 00:17:29,600 Just let me hold him in my arms one more time. 283 00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:32,280 Alright, get up. 284 00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:41,240 Hello. 285 00:18:23,480 --> 00:18:26,640 Dag? Dag? 286 00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:30,520 It's time to go. 287 00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,880 If there's anything I can do. 288 00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:34,960 Anything. 289 00:18:38,080 --> 00:18:39,680 There is one thing. 290 00:18:39,720 --> 00:18:41,240 Just say the word. 291 00:18:41,760 --> 00:18:42,960 You know the gents... 292 00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,520 It's been taken care of. 293 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,600 I got John to give it a quick wipe. 294 00:18:48,680 --> 00:18:51,000 I'll leave you alone to make your peace. 295 00:18:56,280 --> 00:18:59,360 Actually, sorry, Dag, they've just asked if you can be moved out. 296 00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:01,160 They need to bleach the sink. 297 00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:09,560 I haven't acted since, some would say I didn't act during, 298 00:19:09,600 --> 00:19:11,840 but, uh... 299 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:14,560 those would be unkind people. I did my best. 300 00:19:14,600 --> 00:19:18,160 He couldn't actually interact with another actor. 301 00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:21,880 I've never seen that before and I've never seen that since. 302 00:19:21,920 --> 00:19:26,280 But I mean, I've just seen the tape here, it looks OK though. 303 00:19:26,320 --> 00:19:29,680 Do you think that eye-child took over Dag's mind? 304 00:19:29,720 --> 00:19:33,320 I don't know. But it took over his heart. 305 00:19:33,360 --> 00:19:35,360 For a while at least. 306 00:19:35,400 --> 00:19:38,000 I think Liz and I are gonna check up on the guy, 307 00:19:38,040 --> 00:19:41,240 see how he is. You wanna come too? 308 00:19:41,920 --> 00:19:43,080 No. 309 00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:03,720 Hey. 310 00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,120 Hey. 311 00:20:09,240 --> 00:20:10,240 Hey. 312 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:12,440 Hey. 313 00:20:13,280 --> 00:20:14,800 It's my fault. 314 00:20:16,120 --> 00:20:18,600 I should never have let myself get this close again. 315 00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:21,480 How's your head? 316 00:20:21,520 --> 00:20:24,200 It'll live. I've lost some vision 317 00:20:24,240 --> 00:20:25,976 in the left eye, though, and I get headaches. 318 00:20:26,000 --> 00:20:28,360 That's concussion. You've just got to sweat it out. 319 00:20:29,040 --> 00:20:31,360 Help yourself to Panadol from my locker. 320 00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:34,560 - Thanks. - Replace them when you get a chance. There's no rush. 321 00:20:35,920 --> 00:20:37,040 Thanks, Rick. 322 00:20:44,560 --> 00:20:47,640 She's a good girl, Dag. You're too hard on her. 323 00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:48,680 I know. 324 00:20:49,720 --> 00:20:51,960 I just don't find her physically attractive. 325 00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:54,520 Memories. 326 00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:59,120 They have a habit of sticking to you like... 327 00:20:59,640 --> 00:21:02,320 Like a pube on a pipe? 328 00:21:04,480 --> 00:21:07,560 Yeah. Something like that. 329 00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:11,080 Come on, let's get out of here. 330 00:21:11,120 --> 00:21:13,040 I'll buy you a drink down The Drip. 331 00:21:14,120 --> 00:21:17,520 Can I take a rain check on that? My guts are playing up. 332 00:21:17,560 --> 00:21:20,760 Sure, here's a pound if you change your mind. 333 00:21:21,600 --> 00:21:22,600 Thanks. 334 00:21:23,960 --> 00:21:25,680 Are you sure you're gonna be alright? 335 00:21:25,720 --> 00:21:29,080 Can I take a rain check on that? 336 00:21:29,640 --> 00:21:30,640 You bet. 337 00:21:35,640 --> 00:21:37,080 - Sanch? - Yeah? 338 00:21:38,760 --> 00:21:41,256 If you pass a post box can you pop this in? It's my Pools coupon. 339 00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:42,480 Sure thing. 340 00:21:47,440 --> 00:21:49,320 I'd been pound foolish. 341 00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:52,400 I could see that now. And that takes humility. 342 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:57,800 Nothing could take the place of my son. Not even a pet. 343 00:21:57,840 --> 00:22:00,920 Though I would like a Jack Russell. They're very clever dogs. 344 00:22:00,960 --> 00:22:03,240 I thought back to the good times we had together. 345 00:22:03,280 --> 00:22:05,640 We'd play games all the time, 346 00:22:05,680 --> 00:22:08,200 I'd beat him easily of course but that wasn't the point. 347 00:22:08,240 --> 00:22:10,960 He learned something important from each fresh defeat. 348 00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:15,240 The one thing he could do was out-jump me. 349 00:22:15,280 --> 00:22:18,560 That, one day, would prove to be his undoing 350 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:21,560 but I'd need a Scotch before I told you about that one. 351 00:22:22,240 --> 00:22:24,280 All I'm saying is it involved a hop 352 00:22:24,320 --> 00:22:26,120 and the blades of a helicopter. 353 00:22:49,880 --> 00:22:52,840 The pube on the pipe metaphor came from a real-life incident, 354 00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:55,080 which I observed in the gents at Dean's. 355 00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:57,560 All I know is 356 00:22:57,600 --> 00:22:59,760 the pube weren't mine, 357 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:03,120 cos mine are grey or indeed white. 358 00:23:03,160 --> 00:23:05,640 So I can't take credit for that one. 359 00:23:06,880 --> 00:23:08,920 In the end, I picked up that pube. 360 00:23:08,960 --> 00:23:12,040 I'm glad I did because it made that gents a better place to be in. 361 00:23:12,080 --> 00:23:14,640 And that is my question to the government. 362 00:23:14,680 --> 00:23:16,840 Are you prepared to get your hands dirty 363 00:23:16,880 --> 00:23:19,680 or are you going to let things clog up the cistern? 364 00:23:49,720 --> 00:23:53,600 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' is a Garth Marenghi production. 365 00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:55,120 In association with Dean Learner.