"Tina screamed for nurse.
But little miss nurse didn't come.
Little miss nurse was out in the back room
having a cigarette and flirting with doctor.
The pain shot through her like a big bullet.
She knew babies were meant to kick
but were they meant to scratch?
No, they weren't."
Salutations, friend.
I'm Garth Marenghi, horror writer,
although I prefer the term dreamweaver.
When I wrote, directed and starred
in 'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' for television back in the 1980s
I drew deep drafts of inspiration
from the dyke of my dreams.
Other times I copied the plots from dead authors
on whose work the copyright had lapsed.
Bite me.
Tonight's episode, however,
is based on a true life story,
which meant I could bang it out in under a day.
I was told when I was 16 that my balls didn't work.
They dropped but they kept on going
and it was a question of either having them removed
or going around with really long balls,
like a couple of marbles in a hiking sock.
I chose the latter option, and fortune favoured me,
because the day I hit 30 they winched right back up.
Point 'tis, I thought of myself as a freak, an other.
For years I wondered what exactly my goolies would sire, would it be human?
Thankfully, when I impregnated my wife, Pam,
she dutifully gave birth to twins. A huge relief,
though for years I couldn't shake off the fear
that one of them might eat the other.
Luckily they didn't, which I put down to good parenting.
Tonight's teleplay is about others, or mutants.
It's also about my own desire for a son,
which I'll probably never have now because my wife's too old.
So here is my paean to the put-upon,
lovingly restored with interviews from myself,
my publisher, Dean Learner,
and the actor Todd Rivers.
That way 'Darkplace' will finally
get the critical acclaim it deserves.
Savour.
I'm Garth Marenghi,
author, dreamweaver, visionary, plus actor.
You are about to enter the world of my imagination.
You are entering my Darkplace.
Memories.
Dr. Dagless to Ward B, Dr. Dagless to Ward B.
Thanks for coming, Dr. Dagless. I thought I heard voices.
Locked.
Funny, I don't remember locking this door.
And yet it is locked.
Oh, my God.
Look at the size of that thing's rod.
Not a word of this to anyone. Capiche?
Look at that poor man, not only has he just been screwed by a giant eye,
he's now giving birth.
The actor who played that part was not happy.
However, I had taken him aside that morning
and explained to him what was gonna happen.
I was gonna keep the crew down to about ten, 12 people.
The guy who was behind him in the eye,
he was a man whom he knew
and until that day trusted. I think that scene's beautiful.
I just think it's very sad that we've had to pixellate out an erection.
I just think it's very sad that we've had to pixellate that,
that people are too frightened of that.
I mean, I just think it's pathetic.
You know, we've all got one.
Let's get on with it. I could have one now, you wouldn't know.
I've not got one.
My name is Dr. Rick Dagless, M.D.
Who would have thought that that giant eye was once a young man?
The guy was undergoing
experimental gamma ray treatment for mumps
when the eyeball of a sex offender
got in the reactor chamber with him.
But if you sell your body for medical experiments
to make a quick buck, you've got roll with the punches.
At least he was at peace now on account of being dead.
What I couldn't work out was how he'd managed to make another man pregnant.
I guess we'd never know.
So just to re-state, that is something we'll never know.
You're not gonna find out later.
I should've given the kid up
to hospital top brass straight away
but I couldn't. I dunno why
but it felt good to have this little fella near to me.
I guess it felt like I had son again.
Don't play with the windows.
Reed hauled us in for the morning debrief,
but this morning, I was determined that my briefs were staying on.
Even in times of extreme stress,
I was determined to stay sardonic
but If they found my baby I don't know what they'd do.
Dissect him probably.
As I'm sure you people are aware,
Won Ton's gamma radiation mumps programme went west
and created a horny giant eye on legs.
I heard about that. Did they ever find it?
It was found dead last night. It'd been shot in the eye.
Good riddance to him. That's that done and dusted.
Negative, Sanch. It's neither done nor dusted.
Won Ton has reason to believe that the giant eye might have fathered a child.
Dag? Any thoughts?
I don't know anything about it.
I think there are more important matters at present.
Could you give me an example?
Like hospital bloody hygiene.
I went into the gents and there was a big pube on the pipe
so I had to use the one in E wing.
It's true, I went there two months back
and there was a piece of shit stuck to the seat!
Someone's gonna have to pick that pube off the pipe.
Come on, surely we can discuss something more sanitary.
As if your fanny never graced a pan.
- What's crawled up your crack? - She has. She's so up herself.
You shut your mouth. Or so help me God, I'll punch your lights out.
Dunno what the hell's got into him. Come on, Liz,
I'll help you apply some more make-up.
Anyway, I'm outta here.
Not so fast, mister.
Where were you last night?
- Nowhere. - Nowhere?
That's right, nowhere.
Nowhere can be a lonely place to be.
I get by.
It's just that I've been hearing some things.
What things?
A lot of things. Strange things.
Crazy things. Things, Dag.
- Things? - Things.
Well, you shouldn't believe every-thing you hear, Thornton.
You're hiding some-thing, Dag. I could swear it.
I'm gonna give you 24 hours to get your sorry ship to shore.
After that, I'll do whatever it takes to hunt you down.
I don't know what you're talking about.
24 hours, Dag. 24 hours.
23 hours, 59 minutes.
Don't make me stand here and count.
See you later. I would stay,
but the air's starting to stink round here.
Not from me it's not. I just went.
Reed was onto me.
I needed to stash the sprog till the heat cooled off.
I had to get my baby to the staff room quick.
Attention, all doctors...
keep a look out for a dangerous eye
that is on the loose on the ward.
This is a DEF COM four situation,
I repeat this is a DEF COM four situation.
Make-up really is a godsend. Now that my cheeks are freshly rouged,
I feel like a real human woman again, like I can face the world.
If the world didn't include Dr. Rick Dagless M.D.
What was up with him? I'm going to try and pump him for information.
That's Liz coming. Remember, Dagless, she's psychic.
Don't think of anything or she'll read your mind.
Here have a thumb of this book.
It looks like a tawdry horror paperback
but it might take your mind off things.
"Romford is the cruellest of cities..."
Nice start.
"Beneath its skylined tattered shards
lay a million broken dreams."
This is good. I've misjudged the genre, like so many.
I'm going to find out what's really going on.
I took that batch of slides down to floor six.
"That morning it had rained
but it cleared up again in the afternoon."
It'll be great when that new microscope arrives.
"This great city was home to Trent Stockton
and when he saw injustice
anger rose up in him like a bad sandwich."
Word is it's coming Thursday, but you know what deliveries are like.
Unreliable. - Especially these days.
Hold on Dag, remember, Liz can read your mind.
He's on to me. Best change tack. What are you reading?
Oh, nothing just some horror novel by this guy, Gareth Murunghi.
Garth Marenghi! He's my favourite.
- I've read everything he's done. - I can take it or leave it.
Shit, that was a really bad throw.
I hope she doesn't see the photo I'm using as a bookmark.
- Who's this? - That's my son.
I didn't know you had a...
He's dead.
He was born half boy, half grasshopper.
He never had a chance. End of.
- I think you'd better go, Liz. - I think I better had.
- Well, go then. - I'm going.
- Bye. - Goodbye.
Now she's gone I can think about the eye-child.
Eye-child?
This episode is really about my own desire to have a son.
I have four daughters
and whilst I don't blame them as such,
I don't really feel they're on my side.
And so you think this eye-child is linked with the big eye that raped the man in B wing?
Maybe not linked. But they're definitely connected.
It's just what Reed feared. Why would Dagless be hiding it?
Wait a minute, today is the anniversary of Dagless' son's death.
Maybe he's using this eye-child to fill a void left by his dead son.
It's a punt up a dark alley but it's all I've got.
I suggest we tell Reed that it's Dagless
who's harbouring this eye-child as soon a possible.
Aye-aye! Hey, this cat's got claws.
Everything's a joke to you, isn't it?
- Not everything, Liz. - I'm going for a shower.
I'll be with you in two secs. You can scrub my legs.
Men.
You better believe it. I'll phone Reed.
Get me Reed. Oh, it's you.
It's Sanch here. It's about Dag.
Hey, there, little guy.
We're family now.
You can call me Pops or Dadda.
And I can call you Skipper.
I once had a little boy called Skipper.
He was different, too.
And when you're different, people fear you.
Look at Michael Jackson, or the Krankies,
although I think they're quite shrewd.
But it is our duty to fight prejudice and injustice,
whether in be in 'Nam, where I fought for my country,
or right here on the streets of Romford.
Come on,
let's get you back to beddie-byes.
♪ Day draws into nightfall
♪ Yonder stars shine bright
♪ You can be my baby
♪ I hope that is alright
♪ Daddy don't forget me
♪ I haven't but you're dead
♪ You have a little brother now ♪
♪ And one day we'll all meet in Valhalla ♪
I love you, Skipper.
Both of you.
Put the eye down, and your hands up! I repeat.
Put the eye down and your hands up!
Give it up, Dag. That thing's a potential killer.
Look at these lab results.
If you're gonna grab me by the balls, at least have the decency
not to wave a piece of paper in my face at the same time.
Look, Dag, don't get your panties in a scrunch,
there's nothing we can do.
My orders come from the top.
This is from Won Ton himself.
I remember the old Reed.
The Reed that wouldn't kowtow to Won Ton.
You know how I feel about Won Ton.
If I saw him in the street,
I wouldn't even stop to slap his ass.
But believe me, he's one fiery dragon
whose tail you do not want to tug.
Trust me, it won't be harmed.
It has a name. It's called Skipper.
Look, Rick, we all know you've had a coach class trip to hell and back
with your dead son but you've got to get over it.
That thing's dangerous. Can't you see that?
You know what, Sanch, you can dissect a heart
but you'll never find out what makes it skip a beat.
Look, Dag. This is hospital business now.
Hand him over. 'Kay?
'Kay.
'Kay?
'Kay.
But as soon as I'd finished saying 'kay to Reed,
I had a fearful premovision.
Freak!
Skipper!
I knew what I had to do.
Look out! He's got a stick!
Sit there, little 'un. Watch my glasses?
Keep away from me! Keep away!
He's insane! He doesn't know what he's doing!
Pin him down, man, for Christ's sake!
Calm him down.
You're acting like an ape. A wild ape.
Just let me hold him in my arms one more time.
Alright, get up.
Hello.
Dag? Dag?
It's time to go.
If there's anything I can do.
Anything.
There is one thing.
Just say the word.
You know the gents...
It's been taken care of.
I got John to give it a quick wipe.
I'll leave you alone to make your peace.
Actually, sorry, Dag, they've just asked if you can be moved out.
They need to bleach the sink.
I haven't acted since, some would say I didn't act during,
but, uh...
those would be unkind people. I did my best.
He couldn't actually interact with another actor.
I've never seen that before and I've never seen that since.
But I mean, I've just seen the tape here, it looks OK though.
Do you think that eye-child took over Dag's mind?
I don't know. But it took over his heart.
For a while at least.
I think Liz and I are gonna check up on the guy,
see how he is. You wanna come too?
No.
Hey.
It's my fault.
I should never have let myself get this close again.
How's your head?
It'll live. I've lost some vision
in the left eye, though, and I get headaches.
That's concussion. You've just got to sweat it out.
Help yourself to Panadol from my locker.
- Thanks. - Replace them when you get a chance. There's no rush.
Thanks, Rick.
She's a good girl, Dag. You're too hard on her.
I know.
I just don't find her physically attractive.
Memories.
They have a habit of sticking to you like...
Like a pube on a pipe?
Yeah. Something like that.
Come on, let's get out of here.
I'll buy you a drink down The Drip.
Can I take a rain check on that? My guts are playing up.
Sure, here's a pound if you change your mind.
Thanks.
Are you sure you're gonna be alright?
Can I take a rain check on that?
You bet.
- Sanch? - Yeah?
If you pass a post box can you pop this in? It's my Pools coupon.
Sure thing.
I'd been pound foolish.
I could see that now. And that takes humility.
Nothing could take the place of my son. Not even a pet.
Though I would like a Jack Russell. They're very clever dogs.
I thought back to the good times we had together.
We'd play games all the time,
I'd beat him easily of course but that wasn't the point.
He learned something important from each fresh defeat.
The one thing he could do was out-jump me.
That, one day, would prove to be his undoing
but I'd need a Scotch before I told you about that one.
All I'm saying is it involved a hop
and the blades of a helicopter.
The pube on the pipe metaphor came from a real-life incident,
which I observed in the gents at Dean's.
All I know is
the pube weren't mine,
cos mine are grey or indeed white.
So I can't take credit for that one.
In the end, I picked up that pube.
I'm glad I did because it made that gents a better place to be in.
And that is my question to the government.
Are you prepared to get your hands dirty
or are you going to let things clog up the cistern?
'Garth Marenghi's Darkplace' is a Garth Marenghi production.
In association with Dean Learner.