1
00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:03,404
**

2
00:00:03,504 --> 00:00:04,772
-(pounding on door)
-What the hell!

3
00:00:04,872 --> 00:00:08,109
-It's only 3:00 p.m.!
-STAN: Family announcement!

4
00:00:08,209 --> 00:00:10,378
(pounding on door)
Family announcement!

5
00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:12,580
Luckily, my stool-softening pill
hasn't kicked in --

6
00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,014
(flatulates)
Ohhhhhhh!

7
00:00:14,115 --> 00:00:15,683
-(pounding on door)
-STAN: Family announcement.

8
00:00:15,783 --> 00:00:18,052
Luckily, my orgasm pill
hasn't kicked in --

9
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:20,121
Aaah!

10
00:00:20,221 --> 00:00:21,889
Welcome to
family announcement.

11
00:00:21,989 --> 00:00:24,125
As you are all aware,
I've been on the wait list

12
00:00:24,225 --> 00:00:27,595
for the Shaquille O'Neal Center
for Intense Sleep Apnea.

13
00:00:27,695 --> 00:00:30,398
They only accept the loudest
three percent of snorers

14
00:00:30,498 --> 00:00:33,434
in the nation,
and I am in!

15
00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:34,868
Top three, baby!

16
00:00:34,968 --> 00:00:36,970
(applause)

17
00:00:37,071 --> 00:00:39,607
Well, they called,
and a spot opened up tonight.

18
00:00:39,707 --> 00:00:40,974
Tonight?

19
00:00:41,075 --> 00:00:42,776
But it's Third Friday
of the month --

20
00:00:42,876 --> 00:00:44,312
our Friday fun night.

21
00:00:44,412 --> 00:00:46,947
Oh, right. Damn.

22
00:00:47,047 --> 00:00:48,716
Hon, just do the study.

23
00:00:48,816 --> 00:00:50,551
-We'll go out next month.
-No, no, no.

24
00:00:50,651 --> 00:00:52,553
It's very important
you get a night out.

25
00:00:52,653 --> 00:00:54,588
-You work so hard.
-I do?

26
00:00:54,688 --> 00:00:55,989
It's an expression.

27
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:57,658
Hayley, how about taking
your mother out tonight?

28
00:00:57,758 --> 00:00:59,993
Can't. Tonight's the night
we slice all the olives

29
00:01:00,094 --> 00:01:02,230
for the entire
year at Sub Hub.

30
00:01:02,330 --> 00:01:04,132
-But I can lend you Jeff.
-Hmm.

31
00:01:04,232 --> 00:01:05,566
I like that for Francine.

32
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:06,934
Have him washed, dressed,

33
00:01:07,034 --> 00:01:09,437
and at the base
of the stairs by 7:00.

34
00:01:09,537 --> 00:01:10,938
Family announcement adjourned.

35
00:01:11,038 --> 00:01:13,174
I look forward to
organically crossing paths

36
00:01:13,274 --> 00:01:15,943
with each of you
around the house.

37
00:01:16,043 --> 00:01:18,112
Steve, did you get a chance
to look at the e-mail

38
00:01:18,212 --> 00:01:20,581
I sent you with a link
to all my hilarious, accurate,

39
00:01:20,681 --> 00:01:22,150
and irreverent impressions?

40
00:01:22,250 --> 00:01:24,252
-Yeah, I guess.
-You guess?!

41
00:01:24,352 --> 00:01:26,154
I sent it to you
like 15 times.

42
00:01:26,254 --> 00:01:27,421
Which e-mail address?

43
00:01:27,521 --> 00:01:29,823
SteveSmith69@gmail.

44
00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,693
Oh, that one got hacked.

45
00:01:32,793 --> 00:01:35,263
Uh, send it to
SteveSmith420.

46
00:01:35,363 --> 00:01:36,597
What?!

47
00:01:36,697 --> 00:01:39,267
You were able to get
420 and 69?

48
00:01:39,367 --> 00:01:43,437
Man, every other Steve Smith
must be a loser!

49
00:01:43,537 --> 00:01:45,939
(patriotic music plays)

50
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:48,609
* Good morning, U.S.A. *

51
00:01:48,709 --> 00:01:52,480
* I got a feelin' that
it's gonna be a wonderful day *

52
00:01:52,580 --> 00:01:55,683
* The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face *

53
00:01:55,783 --> 00:01:59,987
* And he's shinin' a salute
to the American race *

54
00:02:01,889 --> 00:02:05,159
* Oh, boy, it's swell to say *

55
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:07,461
-* Good -- *
-* Good morning, U.S.A. *

56
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,796
Aah!

57
00:02:10,063 --> 00:02:13,401
* Good morning, U.S.A. *

58
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,903
**

59
00:02:16,003 --> 00:02:18,539
Jeff, I want to thank you
for Hayley making you do this.

60
00:02:18,639 --> 00:02:19,540
You're welcome?

61
00:02:19,640 --> 00:02:21,041
No. You're welcome.

62
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:23,076
Right.

63
00:02:23,177 --> 00:02:24,878
Before Francine and I
were married,

64
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:26,580
she was
a pretty wild woman.

65
00:02:26,680 --> 00:02:28,148
She's mellowed
over the years,

66
00:02:28,249 --> 00:02:30,050
but she's still
wild at heart,

67
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,152
and there's always the risk
she can relapse.

68
00:02:32,253 --> 00:02:33,521
-With me so far?
-No.

69
00:02:33,621 --> 00:02:34,855
Hmm.

70
00:02:34,955 --> 00:02:38,492
Better join me
in my metaphor corner.

71
00:02:38,592 --> 00:02:39,827
Look at that bird

72
00:02:39,927 --> 00:02:42,263
flapping, tweeting,
darting around.

73
00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:43,664
It's happy because
it thinks

74
00:02:43,764 --> 00:02:45,933
it's positively
going wild.

75
00:02:46,033 --> 00:02:48,001
But what would happen
if I open a window

76
00:02:48,101 --> 00:02:49,870
and really
let it go wild?

77
00:02:49,970 --> 00:02:52,005
(gasps) It would
fly right into the sun!

78
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,741
Yes. Yes, it would.

79
00:02:53,841 --> 00:02:55,843
Uh, I'm the bird.

80
00:02:55,943 --> 00:02:57,378
-No.
-I'm the cage?

81
00:02:57,478 --> 00:02:58,546
No. You're --
You're not really

82
00:02:58,646 --> 00:02:59,847
represented in
this metaphor.

83
00:02:59,947 --> 00:03:02,015
Oh. Do you still
need me tomorrow?

84
00:03:02,115 --> 00:03:03,551
It's tonight, Jeff.

85
00:03:03,651 --> 00:03:06,220
Tonight, we let Francine
out of her cage,

86
00:03:06,320 --> 00:03:08,289
and you're going to
be there to prevent her

87
00:03:08,389 --> 00:03:10,190
from flying into the sun.

88
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:12,593
So I am the cage.

89
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:14,362
You're not in the metaphor!

90
00:03:14,462 --> 00:03:17,365
Take what time you need,
then meet me back at my desk.

91
00:03:23,437 --> 00:03:25,473
Ah. You made it.
Over the years,

92
00:03:25,573 --> 00:03:27,541
I've calculated the precise
amount of stimulus

93
00:03:27,641 --> 00:03:30,711
Francine needs to feel like
she's going wild

94
00:03:30,811 --> 00:03:32,246
without
really going wild.

95
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:33,914
Like the bird.

96
00:03:34,014 --> 00:03:36,149
That's right.
The 75 minutes you spent

97
00:03:36,250 --> 00:03:37,818
in the corner
served you well.

98
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,920
Now, pay close attention
because you're about to get

99
00:03:40,020 --> 00:03:42,590
a crash course
in Francine Control.

100
00:03:42,690 --> 00:03:44,992
No cinnamon.
Its aroma is too primal.

101
00:03:45,092 --> 00:03:47,160
Do not let her
put on flat shoes.

102
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,763
She ran track in high school,
and you'll never catch her.

103
00:03:49,863 --> 00:03:51,432
Do not let her get wind
in her hair.

104
00:03:51,532 --> 00:03:53,334
It conjures
strange passions.

105
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:56,470
None of those clown scarves
you can keep pulling on forever.

106
00:03:56,570 --> 00:03:59,072
No Israeli couscous,
and I mean zero.

107
00:03:59,172 --> 00:04:01,442
And finally,
if all else fails,

108
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:04,244
remind her another episode
of Tom Selleck's Blue Bloods

109
00:04:04,345 --> 00:04:05,979
starts at 10:00 on CBS.

110
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,081
She falls for
the bait of sexy Magnum

111
00:04:08,181 --> 00:04:09,317
and ends up
dozing off in bed

112
00:04:09,417 --> 00:04:11,285
to a series
of family dinner scenes.

113
00:04:11,385 --> 00:04:13,153
This is too much
to remember!

114
00:04:13,253 --> 00:04:14,922
You've been talking
for hours!

115
00:04:15,022 --> 00:04:17,825
Don't worry, I put
everything on the card.

116
00:04:19,627 --> 00:04:22,763
You can count on me, Mr. S.

117
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:25,666
And one more thing,
it's probably best Francine

118
00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:27,167
doesn't see the card.

119
00:04:27,267 --> 00:04:28,802
But I can see it, right?

120
00:04:28,902 --> 00:04:30,203
(sighs) Yes, Jeff.

121
00:04:30,304 --> 00:04:32,373
That's the cornerstone
of our plan.

122
00:04:34,975 --> 00:04:37,277
**

123
00:04:37,378 --> 00:04:39,947
We'll start with
two tap waters.

124
00:04:40,047 --> 00:04:41,482
And a white wine
spritzer.

125
00:04:41,582 --> 00:04:44,017
Wine and bubbles...

126
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:45,886
that could be wild.

127
00:04:45,986 --> 00:04:47,187
Excuse me!

128
00:04:47,287 --> 00:04:48,889
How's the lighting
under the table?

129
00:04:48,989 --> 00:04:51,224
The best
in all of Langley.

130
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:56,196
You can bring
the spritzer!

131
00:04:56,296 --> 00:04:58,799
What are you doing
down there?

132
00:04:58,899 --> 00:05:00,468
Playing cat's cradle.

133
00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:02,903
I was looking up your
dress, Mrs. S.

134
00:05:03,003 --> 00:05:04,738
Oh!

135
00:05:04,838 --> 00:05:06,640
Ready to order?
Can I suggest you start

136
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:08,509
with our new
Tableside Guacamole?

137
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:12,245
(gasps)
Tableside, oh my!

138
00:05:12,346 --> 00:05:15,816
I read in Sky Ways Magazine
that Kiefer Sutherland

139
00:05:15,916 --> 00:05:20,754
has tableside guac every time
he's in San Antonio.

140
00:05:20,854 --> 00:05:22,089
Guacamole...

141
00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,891
guacamole...

142
00:05:26,760 --> 00:05:29,497
Sorry, Your Honor,
but guacamole's forbidden.

143
00:05:29,597 --> 00:05:30,664
Oh, let's have some.

144
00:05:30,764 --> 00:05:31,865
Let's live
a little, Jeff.

145
00:05:31,965 --> 00:05:32,866
(snaps)

146
00:05:32,966 --> 00:05:34,034
(horn honks)

147
00:05:34,134 --> 00:05:36,704
* Tableside, tableside *

148
00:05:36,804 --> 00:05:39,840
* So much hotter
when it's tableside *

149
00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:45,513
Oh, God. Oh, God.
Oh, God.

150
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:47,781
I-I don't know
if we have time for this.

151
00:05:47,881 --> 00:05:50,250
Blue Bloods starts
at 10:00, you know?

152
00:05:50,350 --> 00:05:53,621
Hmm.
I guess we'll pass.

153
00:05:53,721 --> 00:05:57,090
I heard in tonight's episode,
the DEA comes down hard

154
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,359
on the family,
and Tom Selleck

155
00:05:59,460 --> 00:06:02,195
has a booger
in his mustache

156
00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:07,100
that no one tells him
about for the entire day.

157
00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:09,603
**

158
00:06:09,703 --> 00:06:11,572
Okay, Steve.

159
00:06:11,672 --> 00:06:13,373
Got the house to yourself.

160
00:06:13,474 --> 00:06:17,044
Time for some risky business.

161
00:06:17,144 --> 00:06:20,414
Now all I need is some
royalty-free tunes.

162
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:24,284
Alexa, play Bob Sargar's
"New Town Rock N' Loll."

163
00:06:24,384 --> 00:06:28,155
-(rock music plays)
-Aaah!

164
00:06:44,304 --> 00:06:47,841
**

165
00:06:47,941 --> 00:06:50,277
Klaus?
What happened?

166
00:06:50,377 --> 00:06:51,812
Pretty nasty fall.

167
00:06:51,912 --> 00:06:54,582
But don't worry,
I'll take care of you.

168
00:06:54,682 --> 00:06:56,650
I don't get it,
our living room floor

169
00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:58,586
has never been
that slippery.

170
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:00,153
Slippy Oil?

171
00:07:00,253 --> 00:07:02,355
Oh, you just had

172
00:07:02,456 --> 00:07:05,859
to look over
at the Slippy Oil, Steve.

173
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:07,194
(grunts)

174
00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:10,831
Oh, you're not
going anywhere.

175
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:14,201
Oh, you should have read
my e-mails, Steve.

176
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:15,536
Y-You're saying "Oh"

177
00:07:15,636 --> 00:07:17,270
in front of everything
you say, Klaus.

178
00:07:17,370 --> 00:07:19,607
Oh, am I?

179
00:07:19,707 --> 00:07:22,109
**

180
00:07:22,209 --> 00:07:24,144
Mmm!
That was good.

181
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:29,216
So brown, so broiled,
with such a mild mustard.

182
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:32,352
I'm sorry, sir,
this isn't a credit card.

183
00:07:32,452 --> 00:07:36,156
This is a note card
with impossibly tiny writing.

184
00:07:36,256 --> 00:07:38,859
"Francine Date Night
Dos and Don'ts"?

185
00:07:38,959 --> 00:07:41,562
"No pickles
over three inches"?

186
00:07:41,662 --> 00:07:44,331
"Only allowed to
move pawns in chess"?

187
00:07:44,431 --> 00:07:47,134
"No Cocoa Puffs
or any other cereals

188
00:07:47,234 --> 00:07:49,570
that drive
their mascots insane"?

189
00:07:49,670 --> 00:07:51,004
It's not what
it looks like!

190
00:07:51,104 --> 00:07:53,807
Mr. S just wants
to keep you from going wild.

191
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:56,977
* Wild women do *

192
00:07:57,077 --> 00:07:58,912
Ooooooh.

193
00:07:59,012 --> 00:08:02,683
I haven't gone wild
in a long time.

194
00:08:02,783 --> 00:08:06,419
* And they don't regret it *

195
00:08:06,520 --> 00:08:07,721
Guess what, Jeff.

196
00:08:07,821 --> 00:08:10,591
This Friday Fun Night
is about to go wild,

197
00:08:10,691 --> 00:08:13,561
and Stan can't stop me,
and neither can you.

198
00:08:15,663 --> 00:08:17,164
Flat shoes!

199
00:08:17,264 --> 00:08:19,232
Wait for me, Mrs. S!

200
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:21,034
I can't let you go wild!

201
00:08:21,134 --> 00:08:25,038
Five orders
of Tableside Guac!

202
00:08:25,138 --> 00:08:26,774
Mrs. S!

203
00:08:26,874 --> 00:08:29,342
Couldn't order six, huh?
It's all right.

204
00:08:29,442 --> 00:08:32,245
I'll stay here and (bleep)
myself, why don't I?

205
00:08:36,917 --> 00:08:38,752
I'm going wild!

206
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:40,721
Truck jump.

207
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,856
Whoa! Cool!

208
00:08:46,794 --> 00:08:48,629
Oh, sick!

209
00:08:51,098 --> 00:08:52,265
Aah!

210
00:08:53,533 --> 00:08:54,968
No way!

211
00:08:55,068 --> 00:08:56,069
-(thud)
-Aaah!

212
00:08:56,169 --> 00:09:00,107
Stop!
For God's sake, stop!

213
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:02,475
Oh!
What's gonna happen?

214
00:09:02,576 --> 00:09:03,944
(screams)

215
00:09:04,044 --> 00:09:06,313
Tasty!

216
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:09,082
Mrs. S, please
don't go wild.

217
00:09:09,182 --> 00:09:10,751
What if I just go
"hi-yuh"?

218
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:12,119
-What?
-Hi-ya!

219
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,222
Aw, man.
Party's over.

220
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:19,459
Oh, yeah!
Back on.

221
00:09:20,728 --> 00:09:23,096
**

222
00:09:23,196 --> 00:09:25,565
You think it's okay
to ignore my e-mails?

223
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:29,770
Well, now you're gonna watch
all my impressions.

224
00:09:29,870 --> 00:09:33,173
Here's Martha Stewart
encountering a demon...

225
00:09:33,273 --> 00:09:34,775
"Mmm, mmm, mmm.

226
00:09:34,875 --> 00:09:38,278
Time to cook the recipe
and put the thing in the oven."

227
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:39,747
Aaah!

228
00:09:39,847 --> 00:09:42,115
-Oh, God!
-This the lady

229
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,284
who used to work at
the Chimdale Jack in the Box

230
00:09:44,384 --> 00:09:47,855
visiting her former co-workers
for the first time.

231
00:09:47,955 --> 00:09:49,923
"I'm baaaaack!"

232
00:09:50,023 --> 00:09:52,025
Somebody kill me!

233
00:09:52,125 --> 00:09:54,527
(upbeat country music plays)

234
00:09:54,628 --> 00:09:56,429
Another round!

235
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:57,865
-Whoooo!
-Francine!

236
00:09:57,965 --> 00:09:58,866
Yeah!

237
00:09:58,966 --> 00:10:00,200
Whoa!

238
00:10:00,300 --> 00:10:01,869
Yeah, bar fight!

239
00:10:01,969 --> 00:10:02,870
Ugh!

240
00:10:02,970 --> 00:10:04,604
Wait.
Is this a fight?

241
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,974
Nah, he was thrown off
our mechanical bull.

242
00:10:07,074 --> 00:10:09,843
That's the most dangerous
bull in the country,

243
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:12,279
aside from bull shit.

244
00:10:12,379 --> 00:10:15,683
Misinformation is the real
national crisis.

245
00:10:15,783 --> 00:10:17,017
Y'all want
some popcorn?

246
00:10:17,117 --> 00:10:19,687
(smooches)
Here, Mrs. S!

247
00:10:19,787 --> 00:10:22,189
F.S.

248
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,391
Francine Smith!

249
00:10:24,491 --> 00:10:26,794
Coyote Ugly!
Coyote Ugly!

250
00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:28,028
Whoooooo!

251
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,366
Let me kick your beer!

252
00:10:33,466 --> 00:10:35,135
Mrs. S,
what are you doing?

253
00:10:35,235 --> 00:10:36,737
Gotcha!

254
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,972
BARTENDER:
And stay out!

255
00:10:39,072 --> 00:10:41,508
Ooooooh.
Fun alley.

256
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:44,044
Let's get murdered
by Batman's parents.

257
00:10:44,144 --> 00:10:45,679
Can we just
go home now?

258
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:48,581
Come on, Jeff.
You don't want to do that.

259
00:10:48,682 --> 00:10:52,419
You know that deep down
inside, you're like me --

260
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,054
a wild woman!

261
00:10:54,154 --> 00:10:56,323
I'm -- I'm a man.

262
00:10:56,423 --> 00:10:58,658
And how wild is that?!

263
00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:02,763
Now, close your eyes, Jeff,
and listen to your heart.

264
00:11:02,863 --> 00:11:06,700
* Wild women do *

265
00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:08,235
(gasps) I heard it!

266
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,703
Shh.
It's not done.

267
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,572
* And they don't regret it *

268
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:14,041
There's no downside!

269
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,575
That's right.

270
00:11:15,675 --> 00:11:18,178
Now, let's show them we can go
as wild as we want!

271
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:19,612
Yeah!

272
00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,581
Let's do a series of quick,
little things,

273
00:11:21,681 --> 00:11:23,616
each more wild
than the last.

274
00:11:23,717 --> 00:11:28,088
* Wild women do,
and they don't regret it *

275
00:11:28,188 --> 00:11:30,724
**

276
00:11:30,824 --> 00:11:37,097
* Wild women show
what they're goin' through *

277
00:11:37,197 --> 00:11:38,966
* Oooh, ooh *

278
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:44,772
* Wild women do what you think
they'll never *

279
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,373
(Francine whistles)

280
00:11:46,473 --> 00:11:52,079
* What you only dream
about wild women do *

281
00:11:52,179 --> 00:11:54,547
* Ohhhhh, yes *

282
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,084
* Listen to me, Jack,
I ain't holdin' back *

283
00:11:57,184 --> 00:11:58,618
(snoring loudly)

284
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,054
* 'Cause wild women do *

285
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:02,389
* And they don't regret it *

286
00:12:02,489 --> 00:12:05,826
Hey, I know
what might be fun.

287
00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,896
Let's take something
from a person.

288
00:12:08,996 --> 00:12:12,966
Let's show a human being
the true meaning of fear.

289
00:12:13,066 --> 00:12:15,268
-Stick 'em up!
-This is a bank robbery!

290
00:12:15,368 --> 00:12:16,303
(screams)

291
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:18,338
Delmonaco?

292
00:12:18,438 --> 00:12:20,107
Francine!

293
00:12:20,207 --> 00:12:21,809
And who's
this piece of ass?

294
00:12:21,909 --> 00:12:24,244
This is Jeff,
my son-in-law.

295
00:12:24,344 --> 00:12:28,348
Jeff, Delmonaco,
my dealer of drugs.

296
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:32,252
Mwah.
Enchanté.

297
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:34,521
This is too crazy.

298
00:12:34,621 --> 00:12:36,023
I'm actually gonna
go hang out

299
00:12:36,123 --> 00:12:37,690
one-on-one
with my dry cleaner.

300
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:39,092
You guys should come!

301
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,328
Just you
and your dry cleaner?

302
00:12:41,428 --> 00:12:43,997
That sounds crazy!
We're doing it!

303
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:49,502
Now, you should know,
Mr. Rick is a dry cleaner,

304
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:52,973
so he hates
washing machines.

305
00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,375
Mr. Rick, it's me,
Delmonaco.

306
00:12:55,475 --> 00:12:57,477
MR. RICK: Bullshit!
You're a washing machine!

307
00:12:57,577 --> 00:13:00,981
Washing machines don't knock
on doors, Mr. Rick.

308
00:13:01,081 --> 00:13:03,616
Sounds like what
a washing machine would say!

309
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,020
(whispering)
Come into my house

310
00:13:07,120 --> 00:13:08,221
really fast,
really fast.

311
00:13:08,321 --> 00:13:09,857
This guy's got
a great energy.

312
00:13:12,559 --> 00:13:14,661
Welcome to paradise.

313
00:13:14,761 --> 00:13:16,563
Let me outline
your night for you.

314
00:13:16,663 --> 00:13:18,999
We sit around, we huff
dry-cleaning chemicals,

315
00:13:19,099 --> 00:13:20,834
we have a scintillating
conversation.

316
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,035
I have only one rule --

317
00:13:22,135 --> 00:13:23,803
I feel silly
even mentioning it --

318
00:13:23,904 --> 00:13:26,673
nobody's allowed to turn
into a washing machine.

319
00:13:26,773 --> 00:13:28,909
It happens.
And if it does,

320
00:13:29,009 --> 00:13:31,211
I will take
care of business!

321
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:34,314
Second rule -- so the
conversation remains orderly,

322
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:36,850
you speak when I have
the knife to your throat.

323
00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,518
You have the floor,
m'lady.

324
00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:41,855
Mr. Rick,
I need to use the restroom.

325
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:44,024
So does Jeff.

326
00:13:44,124 --> 00:13:47,594
It's the first door past
the old Hollywood Video sign.

327
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:49,930
This guy is giving
me bad vibes.

328
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:52,532
-In what way?
-He's insane!

329
00:13:52,632 --> 00:13:56,203
The toilet's right here,
and the toilet-scrubbing brush

330
00:13:56,303 --> 00:13:58,571
is all the way
over there!

331
00:13:58,671 --> 00:14:00,340
We proved
we could get wild,

332
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,342
but I think we should
go home now.

333
00:14:02,442 --> 00:14:04,945
This is my first time
getting wild.

334
00:14:05,045 --> 00:14:06,947
I'm not going
back to my cage.

335
00:14:07,047 --> 00:14:08,949
I'm flying
straight to the sun.

336
00:14:09,049 --> 00:14:10,417
MR. RICK:
How are you guys doing?!

337
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:12,085
If you spilled on yourselves,
don't worry,

338
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:14,054
I have two bedrooms
full of women's clothes.

339
00:14:14,154 --> 00:14:16,623
I am particularly proud
of my sundress collection!

340
00:14:16,723 --> 00:14:19,526
But not so proud I couldn't
see myself giving you one

341
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:21,394
if I thought
it looked good on you.

342
00:14:21,494 --> 00:14:23,030
Jeff, I think we should
get out of here.

343
00:14:23,130 --> 00:14:24,131
(light switch clicks)

344
00:14:24,231 --> 00:14:26,033
(both scream)

345
00:14:26,133 --> 00:14:28,235
Bathroom time
is over.

346
00:14:30,570 --> 00:14:31,738
It's game time!

347
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:32,872
-(gun cocks)
-Wha --

348
00:14:32,973 --> 00:14:34,407
What game
are we playing?

349
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:36,944
It's Hot Potato
with a loaded gun.

350
00:14:37,044 --> 00:14:39,812
My dear friend Tom Sizemore
taught me this game.

351
00:14:39,913 --> 00:14:41,481
(Muzak plays)

352
00:14:41,581 --> 00:14:44,284
But first,
Tetrachloroethylene?

353
00:14:44,384 --> 00:14:45,885
Tetrachloroethylene?

354
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:46,954
No?

355
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:49,056
(sniffing)

356
00:14:49,156 --> 00:14:52,325
Ooooh!
Wow-wow-wow-wow-wow-wow, whoa!

357
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,227
**

358
00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:55,795
Whoa! It's hot!
(laughs)

359
00:14:55,895 --> 00:14:57,797
-Aah!
-Aah!

360
00:14:57,897 --> 00:14:59,632
(laughs)

361
00:14:59,732 --> 00:15:02,402
They're afraid of
a little gun, Delmonaco!

362
00:15:02,502 --> 00:15:03,971
Psych! Psych! Pysch!

363
00:15:06,439 --> 00:15:08,308
You guys hear that?

364
00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,609
Someone's at the door.

365
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,344
Could be a washing machine.

366
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:14,747
(both scream)

367
00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:18,751
My dry cleaner
is dead!

368
00:15:18,851 --> 00:15:22,089
I am so sorry,
Deltaco.

369
00:15:27,327 --> 00:15:29,997
Why must God
take the perfect ones?!

370
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:33,166
Now I have to tell his
13-year-old girlfriend!

371
00:15:33,266 --> 00:15:35,868
We're going to call the cops
right now and explain.

372
00:15:35,969 --> 00:15:38,438
But our fingerprints
are all over that gun.

373
00:15:38,538 --> 00:15:40,440
My God!
What are we gonna do?!

374
00:15:40,540 --> 00:15:44,011
I'll call my fixer.
He'll get us out of this.

375
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:45,545
Listen carefully
to my instructions,

376
00:15:45,645 --> 00:15:47,014
we'll cover up this murder

377
00:15:47,114 --> 00:15:48,815
and all go back
to our beautiful evenings.

378
00:15:48,915 --> 00:15:50,783
I need you to make some
hot jasmine tea.

379
00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:52,119
Very weak.

380
00:15:52,219 --> 00:15:53,786
I have a very strong
intolerance to jasmine.

381
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:55,855
It's like poison to me --
total organ failure.

382
00:15:55,955 --> 00:15:57,790
But the flavor --
get out of town!

383
00:15:57,890 --> 00:16:00,360
It's like I'm drinking
a warm summer night.

384
00:16:00,460 --> 00:16:02,462
Are you gonna
get him the tea?

385
00:16:02,562 --> 00:16:04,064
Sounds like he shouldn't
have it.

386
00:16:04,164 --> 00:16:06,066
Okay, first,
this body needs

387
00:16:06,166 --> 00:16:08,201
to disappear
without a trace.

388
00:16:08,301 --> 00:16:10,837
Oh, it's so bloody!

389
00:16:10,937 --> 00:16:12,672
God, it's all over.

390
00:16:12,772 --> 00:16:14,141
Ugh!

391
00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,645
Okay,
this is a problem.

392
00:16:18,745 --> 00:16:21,381
I saw an episode of CSI
where the cops found blood,

393
00:16:21,481 --> 00:16:23,083
and they used it
to solve the crime.

394
00:16:23,183 --> 00:16:25,318
This blood has to disappear
without a trace.

395
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,487
I'll Google how.
Phone.

396
00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:30,090
I do swipe text.
Watch how fast.

397
00:16:30,190 --> 00:16:31,924
Kind of tricky with this blood
all over my hands,

398
00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:33,360
but -- oh, here we go.

399
00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:35,195
WOMAN: 911.
What's your emergency?

400
00:16:35,295 --> 00:16:36,329
(all gasp)

401
00:16:36,429 --> 00:16:38,365
Murder.

402
00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:39,366
(all gasp)

403
00:16:39,466 --> 00:16:41,901
There was a murder.

404
00:16:42,001 --> 00:16:44,037
But don't you worry,
it's being handled by me

405
00:16:44,137 --> 00:16:45,538
and the other killers.

406
00:16:46,873 --> 00:16:49,176
A patrol car's been
dispatched to your location.

407
00:16:49,276 --> 00:16:50,610
Well, not everything
worked out

408
00:16:50,710 --> 00:16:51,944
the way
we thought it would.

409
00:16:52,045 --> 00:16:53,780
But I declare
this situation...

410
00:16:55,715 --> 00:16:58,085
...fixed!

411
00:16:58,185 --> 00:17:01,020
I got to find
a new dry cleaner.

412
00:17:02,422 --> 00:17:04,291
Fixer, murder!
Fixer, murder!

413
00:17:04,391 --> 00:17:06,226
Fixer, murder!
Fixer, murder!

414
00:17:06,326 --> 00:17:07,394
Fixer, murder!

415
00:17:09,762 --> 00:17:11,431
Okay, this is
John Cusack

416
00:17:11,531 --> 00:17:13,900
being yelled at
by an Uber driver.

417
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,568
"Get out, John Cusack!

418
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:19,106
You can't tell me I can't
smoke in my own car!"

419
00:17:19,206 --> 00:17:22,709
I don't understand.
Why didn't you do John Cusack?

420
00:17:22,809 --> 00:17:25,412
I can't do Cusack.
He's impossible!

421
00:17:25,512 --> 00:17:27,280
Caliendo can't even
do Cusack!

422
00:17:27,380 --> 00:17:29,282
This is my impression
of a domestic dispute

423
00:17:29,382 --> 00:17:31,651
I overheard
at the mall last winter.

424
00:17:31,751 --> 00:17:33,953
"It's a bigger issue
than the fries, Jeanine.

425
00:17:34,053 --> 00:17:36,556
You don't respect me!"

426
00:17:36,656 --> 00:17:39,159
(chuckles)

427
00:17:40,393 --> 00:17:43,130
Oh, my God.
I get it now.

428
00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:45,132
-It's good.
-Yes.

429
00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:46,599
You're a genius.

430
00:17:46,699 --> 00:17:48,168
All it took was being
held captive

431
00:17:48,268 --> 00:17:50,069
for six hours
to realize it.

432
00:17:50,170 --> 00:17:52,439
Yeah, I'm a bit
of an acquired taste.

433
00:17:52,539 --> 00:17:55,175
(laughs)

434
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:59,512
Okay, I know I'm good,
but you're giving me

435
00:17:59,612 --> 00:18:01,948
a Horatio Sanz-level
reception here.

436
00:18:02,048 --> 00:18:04,284
Give me more.
More!

437
00:18:04,384 --> 00:18:07,019
You know, I totally forgot
today's the day

438
00:18:07,120 --> 00:18:09,989
I was supposed to help
Jurgen hunt Slender Man.

439
00:18:10,089 --> 00:18:12,492
And I've already pushed
the hunt like five times,

440
00:18:12,592 --> 00:18:14,194
so I'll just release you
from your bonds,

441
00:18:14,294 --> 00:18:16,296
and we can both go
our separate ways.

442
00:18:18,331 --> 00:18:22,001
I may be free to go,
but I'm a slave to laughter.

443
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,837
Now do Al Pacino forgetting
the combination

444
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:26,206
to his gym locker!

445
00:18:26,306 --> 00:18:28,208
Somebody help me!

446
00:18:28,308 --> 00:18:30,510
That's exactly
what'd he say!

447
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:31,778
(laughs)

448
00:18:31,878 --> 00:18:33,280
(siren wails in distance)

449
00:18:33,380 --> 00:18:35,148
Dang it.
The cops are here,

450
00:18:35,248 --> 00:18:37,116
and the Uber's still
three minutes out.

451
00:18:37,217 --> 00:18:39,719
I'd cancel it, but that's
my rating on the line.

452
00:18:39,819 --> 00:18:41,621
(sobs)
We're going to jail

453
00:18:41,721 --> 00:18:42,889
for murder.

454
00:18:42,989 --> 00:18:44,657
Stan was right.

455
00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:45,858
We're too wild

456
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,360
to be trusted
with ourselves.

457
00:18:47,460 --> 00:18:48,795
Hold on, Mrs. S.

458
00:18:48,895 --> 00:18:51,398
Maybe alone we can't
take care of ourselves,

459
00:18:51,498 --> 00:18:52,732
but there's two of us.

460
00:18:52,832 --> 00:18:54,667
We got to be able
to help each other.

461
00:18:54,767 --> 00:18:56,369
How?

462
00:18:56,469 --> 00:18:59,406
* Wild women do *

463
00:18:59,506 --> 00:19:02,041
By going wild.

464
00:19:03,476 --> 00:19:05,212
Dresses.

465
00:19:05,312 --> 00:19:07,046
(siren wails, tires squeal)

466
00:19:09,081 --> 00:19:10,883
Am I crazy,

467
00:19:10,983 --> 00:19:14,521
or are all those paint samples
the same red?

468
00:19:14,621 --> 00:19:18,258
* Wild women do,
and they don't regret it *

469
00:19:18,358 --> 00:19:20,993
Hey, boys.

470
00:19:21,093 --> 00:19:23,563
Whooo-hoooooo!

471
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:26,165
Dispatch,
I'd like to report

472
00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:29,836
three beautiful ladies
in sundresses.

473
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,004
All we got here
is a 3-1-3.

474
00:19:32,104 --> 00:19:34,607
DISPATCHER: Women going wild
and doing what they do?

475
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:37,009
Yeah,
I said 3-1-3.

476
00:19:37,109 --> 00:19:38,411
Why do we even
have these codes

477
00:19:38,511 --> 00:19:39,846
if you insist
on explaining them?

478
00:19:39,946 --> 00:19:41,080
Well, I'll tell you why.

479
00:19:41,180 --> 00:19:43,015
Because I'm training someone.

480
00:19:43,115 --> 00:19:44,251
Oh, gosh.
I'm sorry.

481
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:46,853
Wait a minute.

482
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:49,188
Put the trainee on.

483
00:19:49,289 --> 00:19:52,191
(groans)

484
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,294
All right,
there's no trainee.

485
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:55,962
You never
miss a beat.

486
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,064
Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-
da-da-da-da!

487
00:19:58,164 --> 00:19:59,432
Pah!

488
00:19:59,532 --> 00:20:03,570
I declare this whole
night -- no crimes!

489
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:07,039
Now we need to figure out
what to do with Mr. Rick.

490
00:20:07,139 --> 00:20:09,909
What if he
died again...

491
00:20:10,009 --> 00:20:11,778
for the first time?

492
00:20:11,878 --> 00:20:13,746
(engine revs, tires squeal)

493
00:20:13,846 --> 00:20:18,751
(country music plays)

494
00:20:18,851 --> 00:20:22,255
This previously alive woman
was just killed!

495
00:20:22,355 --> 00:20:23,656
Another one?

496
00:20:23,756 --> 00:20:25,392
Throw her
in the pile in back.

497
00:20:25,492 --> 00:20:27,727
Okay, who ordered
mozzarella sticks?

498
00:20:27,827 --> 00:20:29,729
I have not been
writing things down.

499
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:32,632
I hate when they don't
write things down.

500
00:20:35,234 --> 00:20:37,737
-I had a lot of fun tonight.
-So did I.

501
00:20:37,837 --> 00:20:40,840
I was thinking, since
we got away with this,

502
00:20:40,940 --> 00:20:43,443
we could make
a thing of it.

503
00:20:43,543 --> 00:20:46,112
Go wild together
once a month?

504
00:20:46,212 --> 00:20:47,514
Pbht! Pass.

505
00:20:47,614 --> 00:20:48,681
Pbht! Pbht!

506
00:20:49,949 --> 00:20:51,851
Just kidding.
We're best friends now.

507
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:55,422
* Wild women whoooo! *

508
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:56,823
* Woman *

509
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:01,328
American Dad! time is over.

510
00:21:02,194 --> 00:21:04,130
Bye-bye.
See you soon.

511
00:21:06,198 --> 00:21:08,000
-- Captions by VITAC --