1
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Synchro: mpm

2
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<i>That's the guy
you want with the ball.</i>

3
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Come on! God, you want to be
a loser all your life?

4
00:00:36,305 --> 00:00:38,428
- Were you talking to me?
- No, the Redskins.

5
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You're performing at
or near expectations.

6
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I'm back
from the chemistry olympiad!

7
00:00:42,984 --> 00:00:44,544
I got a platinum metal.

8
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That's terrific honey.

9
00:00:46,394 --> 00:00:48,660
You're mommy's little brain-haver.

10
00:00:48,785 --> 00:00:50,571
So, what's that?
You got first place?

11
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No, platinum is seventy-eighth, the same
as its place in the periodic table.

12
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So, you lost.

13
00:00:56,081 --> 00:00:59,965
You can't really expect a non-Korean
to place higher than cobalt.

14
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- But check it out!
- Fumble! Loser!

15
00:01:03,125 --> 00:01:04,806
That guy just cost us the game!

16
00:01:04,931 --> 00:01:06,819
I assume he'll be killing himself
tonight.

17
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- ! Look at...
- I know what you're thinking.

18
00:01:08,986 --> 00:01:11,562
You prefer he be dragged
through the streets, mob justice.

19
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That's a legitimate view.
It's not mine, but I respect it.

20
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- Platinum is used as a catalyst...
- I'm sorry, Steve, you lost me.

21
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I guess that's the second thing
you lost today.

22
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No and my respect, that's three.

23
00:01:23,418 --> 00:01:24,518
Wait, Steve.

24
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Your keys, you also lost your keys.

25
00:01:26,796 --> 00:01:29,444
That's four.
Four times a loser.

26
00:01:30,946 --> 00:01:31,755
Five.

27
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So I says, "half the petty officers
in the seventh fleet

28
00:01:35,855 --> 00:01:37,675
"could've fathered that kid.
Why am I the one

29
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"that's got to pay
to fix his cleft palate?"

30
00:01:39,891 --> 00:01:41,222
But the whole thing was messy

31
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so I jumped ship in Okinawa, caught
a flight home, got back last night.

32
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Anyhoo what's got you so glum?

33
00:01:46,106 --> 00:01:46,920
It's Dad.

34
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He always ignores me,
'cause I never win anything.

35
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How to get your dad's attention.
That is a tough one.

36
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A lot of kids are starting fires
these days. Maybe that would work.

37
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That's not the kind of attention
I mean.

38
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Maybe you should
just give up on your dad.

39
00:02:01,457 --> 00:02:03,978
Face it, he's a douche.
And I would know.

40
00:02:04,103 --> 00:02:06,537
I used to run human resources
for Summer's Eve.

41
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Great company, they would throw a family
day picnic at six flags every year.

42
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Were those good times.
Boy, did we look forward to those.

43
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:17,648
Wait a second, that's it!

44
00:02:18,288 --> 00:02:20,951
I can sign up
for the footballs team!

45
00:02:21,076 --> 00:02:23,893
Dad loves sports!
I bet he'd love to watch me play.

46
00:02:24,134 --> 00:02:26,194
Steve, look at those kids.
They're athletes.

47
00:02:26,319 --> 00:02:28,251
When was the last time
you ran anywhere?

48
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I mean with your actual legs,
not by pressing "X".

49
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That doesn't matter, look!
It says right here, see?

50
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"All players on each team
must play in every game."

51
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Everybody plays!

52
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I'm going to play football.

53
00:02:40,671 --> 00:02:43,121
Dad will have to pay attention
to that!

54
00:02:45,451 --> 00:02:48,219
Okay, football's your plan.
I get it, but this is here.

55
00:02:48,344 --> 00:02:50,115
Low-hanging fruit if you need it.

56
00:02:54,459 --> 00:02:55,459
Oh, father?

57
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:58,474
I was wondering if you might sign
something for me.

58
00:02:58,765 --> 00:03:01,199
It's a permission slip
for junior football!

59
00:03:01,324 --> 00:03:02,724
"Junior football"!

60
00:03:02,849 --> 00:03:05,810
Why, you've never done anything
that required medical permission!

61
00:03:06,292 --> 00:03:09,041
You're damn right I won't sue
if you're paralyzed.

62
00:03:12,122 --> 00:03:14,552
Steve, there's something
I'd like to give you.

63
00:03:14,677 --> 00:03:16,237
It's my old, protective cup.

64
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I whittled it myself
out of a solid bough of oak.

65
00:03:19,357 --> 00:03:20,855
Now, I want you to wear it.

66
00:03:23,070 --> 00:03:25,788
Dad, are we having
a father/son moment?

67
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We were.
You ruined it by mentioning it.

68
00:03:28,719 --> 00:03:29,917
Splinter.

69
00:03:30,330 --> 00:03:32,770
I like the way you're putting him
through his groin drills.

70
00:03:32,895 --> 00:03:35,372
"A sturdy groin
is the linchpin of victory."

71
00:03:35,634 --> 00:03:36,948
Vince Lombardi said that.

72
00:03:37,073 --> 00:03:39,093
And he would have loved
your mauve sweat suit.

73
00:03:39,265 --> 00:03:42,429
You know, we need more coaches.
Can I sign you up, Mr...?

74
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Smith, Stan Smith, and you sure can!

75
00:03:44,642 --> 00:03:47,176
- I'll coach my boy's team!
- You called me your boy!

76
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Quit ruining moments!

77
00:03:51,742 --> 00:03:53,134
Mom, please, enough.

78
00:03:53,259 --> 00:03:56,717
If I have one more piece of vomit pie
I'm going to pumpkin.

79
00:03:56,842 --> 00:03:58,482
One more. Taste it.

80
00:03:58,607 --> 00:03:59,721
And be harsh.

81
00:04:00,657 --> 00:04:02,357
Mom, your pies are fine.

82
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"Fine" won't wow the judges
at the county fair.

83
00:04:05,603 --> 00:04:09,603
And "fine" certainly won't beat
Miss Carlotta Monterey's pie.

84
00:04:10,086 --> 00:04:11,876
Is there a Carlotta Monterey pie
here?

85
00:04:12,138 --> 00:04:13,495
Nope, still Mom's.

86
00:04:14,541 --> 00:04:18,541
You know Carlotta Monterey doesn't
even show up to pick up her prizes?

87
00:04:18,887 --> 00:04:20,451
She submits a self-addressed,

88
00:04:20,576 --> 00:04:23,237
blue ribbon-sized envelope
along with her pie.

89
00:04:23,539 --> 00:04:25,472
That cocky pie-skank.

90
00:04:25,689 --> 00:04:29,369
This whole business of baking contests
for women is so 1950s.

91
00:04:29,494 --> 00:04:32,021
Why don't you give back your right
to vote while your at it, mom?

92
00:04:33,115 --> 00:04:34,265
I don't vote.

93
00:04:34,567 --> 00:04:36,217
It's just so confusing.

94
00:04:36,484 --> 00:04:39,292
I go into the booth,
pull the curtain and count to ten.

95
00:04:39,417 --> 00:04:42,758
Then I come out, yell "democracy"
and run to my car.

96
00:04:45,295 --> 00:04:46,744
Heslop! Dunnigan!
Smith!

97
00:04:49,373 --> 00:04:51,373
Nice work, Heslop!
Good grab, Dunnigan.

98
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That's my dad.

99
00:04:53,523 --> 00:04:55,563
Just getting the hang of it, coach!

100
00:04:55,688 --> 00:04:58,380
Be careful, Steve.
There's a man throwing things!

101
00:04:58,549 --> 00:04:59,499
Chubs!

102
00:05:00,884 --> 00:05:02,567
All right, huddle up, Wolverines!

103
00:05:02,692 --> 00:05:05,042
Boys and girl...
You're a girl, right?

104
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This country.

105
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All right, listen up...
we've got our first game next week.

106
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- What are we going to do?
- Win!

107
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That's right, now, take a lap!
Steve, hold up son.

108
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Did you see me out there, Dad?
I was really making some great tries.

109
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Son, do you want the Wolverines
to win next week?

110
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I sure do!

111
00:05:21,363 --> 00:05:23,293
Me, too.
That's why i'm cutting you.

112
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- What?
- Yeah, and your fat-ass friend.

113
00:05:25,392 --> 00:05:26,655
I'm keeping the girl.

114
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I don't want to hurt her feelings,
she's a girl.

115
00:05:29,123 --> 00:05:30,412
You're cutting me?

116
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Here's the thing.
I've been scouting you your entire life.

117
00:05:33,955 --> 00:05:37,200
And I mean this factually,
not judgmentally, you're a loser.

118
00:05:37,325 --> 00:05:38,775
You lose at things.

119
00:05:39,160 --> 00:05:42,068
But, hey, here's a chance
for you to help us win.

120
00:05:42,193 --> 00:05:44,117
By not playing!
High-five!

121
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Too slow!

122
00:05:48,586 --> 00:05:50,474
You got to make yourself laugh,
you know?

123
00:06:05,958 --> 00:06:07,808
- Wha... whazzit?
- Roger?

124
00:06:09,483 --> 00:06:11,733
Oh, God, can't a guy sleep one off?

125
00:06:12,084 --> 00:06:14,094
Late checkout!
Late checkout!

126
00:06:14,805 --> 00:06:17,960
Roger, Dad just cut me from...

127
00:06:18,775 --> 00:06:20,755
Is that...
Am I making that smell?

128
00:06:20,880 --> 00:06:22,530
I am. That smell is me.

129
00:06:22,689 --> 00:06:24,562
I'm making it, and I'm disgusting.

130
00:06:24,687 --> 00:06:26,826
He cut me from the team!

131
00:06:31,052 --> 00:06:32,112
Wait, what is this?

132
00:06:32,237 --> 00:06:34,977
He said I was a loser,
and he cut me.

133
00:06:35,477 --> 00:06:38,227
I'm leaking!
Terrific, I'm leaking something.

134
00:06:38,352 --> 00:06:41,138
This is going to be a great,
sploogey month with me leaking,

135
00:06:41,263 --> 00:06:43,610
and splooge coming out of me,
fantastic.

136
00:06:44,646 --> 00:06:47,148
Not this bit!
I'm Jack Tripper over here!

137
00:06:47,963 --> 00:06:50,071
Okay, all right, I'm up.
Now, what is this?

138
00:06:50,196 --> 00:06:51,894
What is your thing with the crying?

139
00:06:52,019 --> 00:06:54,319
Dad kicked me off the football team!

140
00:06:54,451 --> 00:06:56,123
All he cares about is winning.

141
00:06:56,449 --> 00:06:59,699
Can't tell you how many times
that man has made me cry.

142
00:07:10,696 --> 00:07:11,943
He never supports me!

143
00:07:12,068 --> 00:07:13,974
He's a bastard, is what he is.

144
00:07:14,143 --> 00:07:16,586
You know what?
Forget it. I'm over it.

145
00:07:16,807 --> 00:07:18,929
If he needs to win so badly,
let him.

146
00:07:19,054 --> 00:07:21,354
- I don't care.
- Steve, come here.

147
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:23,738
This.

148
00:07:24,309 --> 00:07:25,801
This is what he did to you.

149
00:07:25,926 --> 00:07:27,915
And you're going to let him
get away with it?

150
00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,503
- What else is there to do?
- I'll tell you.

151
00:07:31,098 --> 00:07:32,845
Your dad made you cry, Steve.

152
00:07:32,970 --> 00:07:34,780
So we're going to make him cry.

153
00:07:34,905 --> 00:07:37,900
But, Roger, I've never seen my dad cry.
I don't think he can.

154
00:07:38,025 --> 00:07:41,020
When we get through with him,
he'll be bawling like a baby.

155
00:07:41,145 --> 00:07:43,165
Sobbing like a poor African woman

156
00:07:43,290 --> 00:07:45,668
who just lost all of her kids
to a scatter bomb.

157
00:07:46,250 --> 00:07:48,322
Powerful enough for you?
It's from my play.

158
00:07:48,447 --> 00:07:50,040
Haven't found the right producer.

159
00:07:50,165 --> 00:07:52,320
Point is,
we're going to make your dad cry!

160
00:07:57,688 --> 00:08:00,711
Here's a recipe
for black Muslim bean pie.

161
00:08:00,836 --> 00:08:02,931
I could make it "Allah mode."

162
00:08:03,195 --> 00:08:05,035
That means, "God be with ice cream".

163
00:08:05,160 --> 00:08:08,952
Mom, no self-respecting modern woman
should care this much about pies.

164
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:11,337
Steve, here he comes!

165
00:08:11,462 --> 00:08:12,448
Take that, sir!

166
00:08:12,650 --> 00:08:15,410
Behold, a grown man
weeping like a...

167
00:08:18,140 --> 00:08:20,101
That?! That was your plan?

168
00:08:20,574 --> 00:08:22,322
- Are you crying?
- Yes, I'm crying.

169
00:08:22,447 --> 00:08:23,997
He hit me with chair!

170
00:08:24,444 --> 00:08:27,665
Okay, different plan.
We need to hit your dad where it hurts.

171
00:08:27,884 --> 00:08:29,635
And what does he love more than you?

172
00:08:29,760 --> 00:08:31,131
- Winning?
- That's right.

173
00:08:31,256 --> 00:08:33,772
So what if we formed
our own football team,

174
00:08:33,897 --> 00:08:35,973
and won the championship ourselves?

175
00:08:36,141 --> 00:08:38,142
I'm not a very good football player.

176
00:08:38,311 --> 00:08:40,552
You know why?
You never had a very good coach.

177
00:08:40,677 --> 00:08:43,842
You're looking at the man
who got robbed of a producer credit

178
00:08:43,967 --> 00:08:47,623
on the longest yard and was briefly
married to Bill Belichik's niece.

179
00:08:48,030 --> 00:08:50,862
Lets just say:
not very open sexually.

180
00:08:51,030 --> 00:08:53,220
You really think
we can make Dad lose?

181
00:08:54,300 --> 00:08:55,711
We're going to fill the bathtub

182
00:08:55,836 --> 00:08:58,402
in my dollhouse
with your father's tears.

183
00:08:59,825 --> 00:09:01,425
Sorry, Malibu Melinda.

184
00:09:01,920 --> 00:09:03,816
Look at her,
pooping with the door open.

185
00:09:03,941 --> 00:09:06,564
Disgusting.
She has let herself go.

186
00:09:06,689 --> 00:09:10,048
She hasn't washed her feet in months,
wears nothing but sweatpants.

187
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:11,869
I can't take it anymore.

188
00:09:11,994 --> 00:09:15,732
See that tiny suitcase by the bed?
That's mine. I packed it months ago,

189
00:09:15,857 --> 00:09:18,129
but I can't bring myself
to walk out that door.

190
00:09:18,686 --> 00:09:22,436
Because I haven't had a chance
to go to the store yet, honey!

191
00:09:27,506 --> 00:09:28,898
Stan, did you hear that?

192
00:09:30,230 --> 00:09:31,814
I'm going to take your gun.

193
00:09:37,243 --> 00:09:38,638
My fairy-pie mother!

194
00:09:38,763 --> 00:09:40,213
You got my letters!

195
00:09:41,932 --> 00:09:44,186
Mom! It's not what you think!
I'm...

196
00:09:44,311 --> 00:09:46,624
- I'm cooking meth!
- Oh, really?

197
00:09:46,749 --> 00:09:48,849
Then where's your muriatic acid?

198
00:09:48,974 --> 00:09:50,368
You're making pies!

199
00:09:50,493 --> 00:09:52,443
Allow me to introduce myself.

200
00:09:52,827 --> 00:09:54,363
Carlotta Monterey.

201
00:09:55,735 --> 00:09:56,543
You?

202
00:09:56,858 --> 00:09:59,551
- You're my pie rival?
- Rival?

203
00:09:59,676 --> 00:10:02,288
You've given yourself
a generous compliment, madam.

204
00:10:02,413 --> 00:10:05,804
Listen up, Monterey!
It's pie time you got beaten!

205
00:10:06,093 --> 00:10:08,293
I've been saving that for the fair!

206
00:10:08,418 --> 00:10:10,943
But I'll think of another one crust
in time!

207
00:10:12,751 --> 00:10:14,821
Didn't see that coming, did you?

208
00:10:36,865 --> 00:10:38,512
Wonder whose car that was.

209
00:10:38,680 --> 00:10:41,829
- All right, who do we got?
- You know snot, Barry and Toshi.

210
00:10:41,954 --> 00:10:43,725
And these are
my equally important friends,

211
00:10:44,054 --> 00:10:45,878
Cheese, Hubert and Li Fung.

212
00:10:46,312 --> 00:10:50,107
- Plus the other kids who got cut.
- I am the amazing Rufus.

213
00:10:51,443 --> 00:10:53,891
Collapsible flowers on wires.
Slips right out of your sleeve.

214
00:10:54,016 --> 00:10:55,861
You want to be amazing?
Do it in a t-shirt.

215
00:10:56,031 --> 00:10:57,430
Okay, listen up, people!

216
00:10:57,555 --> 00:10:59,950
I'm going to turn you clowns
into a football team.

217
00:11:00,251 --> 00:11:03,328


218
00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:04,830


219
00:11:07,564 --> 00:11:10,984
Knock it off! I'm calling both of you
"karate chop" and that's the end of it.

220
00:11:11,109 --> 00:11:14,226
Now, in six weeks, we're going play
coach Smith and his Wolverines.

221
00:11:14,351 --> 00:11:16,966
Yeah, and we're going to get killed.
Great plan, Roger.

222
00:11:17,136 --> 00:11:18,721
Fine, so we don't have brawn.

223
00:11:18,846 --> 00:11:21,646
What really wins
football games is brains.

224
00:11:22,277 --> 00:11:24,959
I'm assuming you guys
are the smart kind of geeks?

225
00:11:25,084 --> 00:11:27,395
- 50-50.
- 50 plus 50 equals a hundred.

226
00:11:27,520 --> 00:11:30,276
And that's what we're going to do:
a hundred shots of beer.

227
00:11:30,401 --> 00:11:31,523
I got ten more to go.

228
00:11:31,741 --> 00:11:34,064
Then we're going to battle our way
to the championship, boys.

229
00:11:34,189 --> 00:11:36,484
And make the other team's coach cry!

230
00:11:46,809 --> 00:11:47,664
Hike!

231
00:12:08,953 --> 00:12:10,826
All right, our last opponent.

232
00:12:10,951 --> 00:12:12,801
The nexus six-series Replicants.

233
00:12:12,926 --> 00:12:14,673
They picked that name,
I was not involved.

234
00:12:14,798 --> 00:12:18,625
Doesn't matter. We're undefeated.
Your team had one successful snap.

235
00:12:18,750 --> 00:12:21,659
Those shorts make your package
look small and your ass look big.

236
00:12:22,228 --> 00:12:24,730
That makes two.
Two successful snaps.

237
00:12:25,856 --> 00:12:27,464
All right, fellas, huddle up.

238
00:12:28,024 --> 00:12:30,191
We're not going to win
the championship.

239
00:12:30,316 --> 00:12:32,103
- What?!
- Well, yeah.

240
00:12:32,228 --> 00:12:35,285
We haven't won a single game.
What'd you think was going to happen?

241
00:12:35,410 --> 00:12:36,472
Look, we stink.

242
00:12:36,597 --> 00:12:39,383
I would say it was my fault,
but it was you and your terrible bodies.

243
00:12:39,654 --> 00:12:42,213
I guess we're not going
to make my dad cry after all.

244
00:12:42,388 --> 00:12:43,261
Wrong!

245
00:12:43,386 --> 00:12:47,140
We may not be winners,
but we can be spoilers.

246
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:51,565
History is filled with losers
who never won anything themselves,

247
00:12:51,690 --> 00:12:55,213
but who ruined the success of others:
Ralph Nader, Judas,

248
00:12:55,338 --> 00:12:58,560
that kid who pulled scissors on me
at the rock-paper-scissors tournament.

249
00:12:58,685 --> 00:13:01,737
Stabbed me in the parking lot. Ruined
my concentration for the whole tourney.

250
00:13:01,994 --> 00:13:05,050
Anyway, if we beat Smith's team,
it won't save our season.

251
00:13:05,175 --> 00:13:07,106
But it will spoil theirs!

252
00:13:07,465 --> 00:13:10,683
Now, what do you say?
Let's go out there and spoil!

253
00:13:18,070 --> 00:13:21,208
Sorry... We're not spoiling anything
today, and I got nothing else.

254
00:13:22,048 --> 00:13:24,761
That man cares more about winning
than he does about me.

255
00:13:24,929 --> 00:13:26,596
And I want him to taste defeat.

256
00:13:26,828 --> 00:13:28,866
Roger, I've got an idea.

257
00:13:29,362 --> 00:13:32,511
- Let's go under the bleachers.
- a make-out session won't help.

258
00:13:32,636 --> 00:13:34,271
But I guess that's what coaches do.

259
00:13:35,123 --> 00:13:37,274
Roger, are you still leaking
that splooge?

260
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:39,978
Oh, God! With all the fluid
coming out of my armpits,

261
00:13:40,103 --> 00:13:42,393
I feel like Bette Davis
on her wedding night.

262
00:13:43,028 --> 00:13:44,550
You don't know enough about Bette.

263
00:13:44,675 --> 00:13:46,683
Take some of that stuff,
and rub it on me.

264
00:13:46,808 --> 00:13:47,858
What the...?

265
00:13:47,983 --> 00:13:49,786
Steve, that's brilliant!

266
00:13:54,255 --> 00:13:55,431
Four! Eight!

267
00:13:55,976 --> 00:13:57,776
Pi! Googleplex!

268
00:13:58,028 --> 00:14:00,254
Repeating remainder three! Hike!

269
00:14:35,417 --> 00:14:38,257
Roger, I need one last round
of slippery sauce.

270
00:14:39,033 --> 00:14:41,586
I think I'm dried up.
Speaking of my wife...

271
00:14:42,323 --> 00:14:44,517
- Steve, finish that one for me.
- There's no time!

272
00:14:44,642 --> 00:14:48,094
Come on, one more play and my dad
will know what it feels like to lose.

273
00:14:48,445 --> 00:14:50,756
Enough of this!
Take out that kid with glasses!

274
00:14:50,881 --> 00:14:53,767
- You mean your son?
- Yeah. Now, sweep the leg.

275
00:14:55,728 --> 00:14:58,103
- You got a problem with that?
- No, <i>sensei</i>.

276
00:14:58,557 --> 00:14:59,557
No mercy.

277
00:15:01,442 --> 00:15:03,674
I have been working
on this one thing.

278
00:15:03,926 --> 00:15:05,501
But we need a magician.

279
00:15:05,626 --> 00:15:07,405
Is there a magician on this team?

280
00:15:09,225 --> 00:15:09,993
Hike!

281
00:15:20,739 --> 00:15:22,082
- There he goes!
- Get him!

282
00:15:22,207 --> 00:15:23,207
Kill him!

283
00:15:27,760 --> 00:15:29,386
This kid, doesn't have the ball!

284
00:15:41,177 --> 00:15:42,527
Steve, we did it!

285
00:15:42,926 --> 00:15:44,962
Wha...? What happened?

286
00:15:46,230 --> 00:15:47,718
Look, there goes your dad!

287
00:15:51,349 --> 00:15:53,247
Is he crying?
Can you tell?

288
00:15:54,095 --> 00:15:56,913
Hey, Steve, before the game,
how many ears did you have?

289
00:15:59,959 --> 00:16:01,643
This is going to be great, Roger!

290
00:16:01,768 --> 00:16:03,702
I'm finally going to see my dad cry.

291
00:16:03,827 --> 00:16:06,298
Now, make sure we get
most of his tears in the tub.

292
00:16:09,207 --> 00:16:10,805
Oh, my god! Dad!

293
00:16:11,014 --> 00:16:12,751
Now, hang on, Steve.
He's still breathing.

294
00:16:12,876 --> 00:16:15,849
Stan, are you trying
to kill yourself or thrill yourself?

295
00:16:19,918 --> 00:16:21,117
Is he all right?

296
00:16:21,825 --> 00:16:23,162
He's going to be fine.

297
00:16:23,287 --> 00:16:25,703
I can't help feeling
this is all my fault.

298
00:16:25,931 --> 00:16:27,181
Can we see him?

299
00:16:30,111 --> 00:16:31,361
Franny, let me.

300
00:16:33,327 --> 00:16:34,727
I out-coached you.

301
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:38,265
- Dad, why did you do this?
- Because I lost.

302
00:16:38,456 --> 00:16:40,635
Don't you think
that's a bit of an overreaction?

303
00:16:40,760 --> 00:16:42,542
So you lost.
Nobody cares.

304
00:16:42,711 --> 00:16:44,299
I care! I know I lost,

305
00:16:44,424 --> 00:16:47,380
and I couldn't bear to carry that shame
around for the rest of my life.

306
00:16:47,878 --> 00:16:49,053
Don't want to pile on,

307
00:16:49,178 --> 00:16:52,853
but you could've done a better job
with this whole suicide thing.

308
00:16:52,978 --> 00:16:54,528
I mean, you own guns.

309
00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:01,488
See, stan, I told you the fair
would cheer you up.

310
00:17:01,613 --> 00:17:03,661
You're right!
I'm going to enjoy myself.

311
00:17:03,786 --> 00:17:06,843
I hear there's a tent with a bunch
of frogs that croak <i>Hotel California</i>.

312
00:17:06,968 --> 00:17:09,028
Oh, my God!
That's judge Judy!

313
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,498
No, it's not.

314
00:17:10,623 --> 00:17:13,770
You think judge Judy is coming
to the Langley county fair?

315
00:17:13,895 --> 00:17:15,759
That's why I was surprised.

316
00:17:16,091 --> 00:17:19,864
- Well, I'm going to go enter my pie.
- Like I did last night, huh?

317
00:17:21,088 --> 00:17:24,314
It's good to hear you making jokes
about nailing mom, dad.

318
00:17:24,439 --> 00:17:26,499
I'm just enjoying my last day
on earth.

319
00:17:26,624 --> 00:17:28,434
- What?!
- I'm still gonna kill myself.

320
00:17:28,559 --> 00:17:30,340
I'm a loser.
There's no other answer.

321
00:17:30,625 --> 00:17:32,055
What? No, dad!

322
00:17:32,307 --> 00:17:35,297
You can't do that.
So you lost. Who cares?

323
00:17:35,422 --> 00:17:37,756
I lose all the time
and I'm not suicidal.

324
00:17:37,881 --> 00:17:39,602
I just cry and get over it.

325
00:17:39,805 --> 00:17:42,555
That's what life is, Dad:
losing and crying.

326
00:17:42,909 --> 00:17:45,904
You lose one time and you go straight
to hanging yourself.

327
00:17:46,029 --> 00:17:47,991
Wait, that's it!
Come with me!

328
00:17:50,801 --> 00:17:52,001
Go ahead, Dad.

329
00:17:54,773 --> 00:17:55,699
Good-bye, son.

330
00:17:56,045 --> 00:17:59,035
One piece of advice before I go:
don't marry an actress.

331
00:17:59,203 --> 00:18:01,903
Wait, dad!
What do you feel in this moment?

332
00:18:03,252 --> 00:18:06,152
Shame, soul-shattering emptiness,
embarrassment.

333
00:18:06,639 --> 00:18:08,417
I'm gonna turn the whole thing off.

334
00:18:08,669 --> 00:18:11,548
No! Instead, go with those feelings.

335
00:18:11,843 --> 00:18:13,633
You know, let them out!

336
00:18:13,801 --> 00:18:16,759
- Of my neck?
- No, out of your eyes.

337
00:18:16,982 --> 00:18:19,845
Look, all this time I wanted
to make you cry to hurt you,

338
00:18:19,970 --> 00:18:21,891
but it's actually going to help you!

339
00:18:22,286 --> 00:18:23,473
- It will?
- Yes!

340
00:18:23,598 --> 00:18:25,032
Now, come on, you can do it.

341
00:18:25,157 --> 00:18:27,475
Think about something
that makes you really sad.

342
00:18:27,600 --> 00:18:28,566
Think about...

343
00:18:28,691 --> 00:18:32,208
A bear cub abandoned
because someone killed its mother.

344
00:18:32,333 --> 00:18:34,792
You know what's sad about that?
No one killed the cub.

345
00:18:34,917 --> 00:18:37,795
Cubs make good eatin'.
Sliced thin on a ritz.

346
00:18:41,005 --> 00:18:42,816
Excellent choice, Francine.

347
00:18:43,125 --> 00:18:45,997
Peach Bavarian cream
is mayor Woodside's favorite pie.

348
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,244
Is he judging this year?

349
00:18:48,369 --> 00:18:51,102
I had no idea, councilwoman Santos.

350
00:18:51,227 --> 00:18:54,078
Well, I think he'll have
a new favorite this year.

351
00:18:54,737 --> 00:18:57,510
- Is that...?
- Carlotta Monterey, nice to meet you.

352
00:18:57,678 --> 00:18:59,846
I thought I'd pick up
my prize personally this year.

353
00:19:01,848 --> 00:19:03,248
You're Carlotta...

354
00:19:03,469 --> 00:19:06,311
- Wait, I already knew that.
- Ladies.

355
00:19:06,480 --> 00:19:07,800
I'm pleased to announce

356
00:19:07,925 --> 00:19:11,318
the winner of this year's
county fair pie contest.

357
00:19:11,707 --> 00:19:13,759
The blue ribbon goes to...

358
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:18,160
Emmilou Sugarbean!

359
00:19:19,131 --> 00:19:19,931
Who?

360
00:19:20,379 --> 00:19:22,094
Oh, my stars!

361
00:19:24,747 --> 00:19:27,242
I've been secretly competing
with both of you for years.

362
00:19:27,367 --> 00:19:28,928
What put me over the top this time?

363
00:19:29,053 --> 00:19:30,801
I put fruit and sugar in my pie,

364
00:19:30,926 --> 00:19:33,167
instead of soggy napkins
and gerbil meat.

365
00:19:33,292 --> 00:19:36,659
I also made a sizable contribution
to mayor Woodside's mouth.

366
00:19:37,128 --> 00:19:39,229
How about the end
of <i>Terms of endearment</i>?

367
00:19:39,354 --> 00:19:43,019
When Shirley MacLaine is standing over
Debra Winger's hospital bed

368
00:19:43,144 --> 00:19:44,849
as she's dying from cancer.

369
00:19:45,220 --> 00:19:48,877
And as her only child passes away
before her very eyes,

370
00:19:49,002 --> 00:19:50,807
she sits there, dumbstruck.

371
00:19:51,705 --> 00:19:54,406
She thought that death
would somehow feel like a relief,

372
00:19:54,531 --> 00:19:56,434
but instead she just sobs...

373
00:19:56,559 --> 00:19:58,154
Overwhelmed by a pain

374
00:19:58,279 --> 00:20:00,740
that only a mother
who outlives her child can feel.

375
00:20:01,876 --> 00:20:04,633
- That was a funny movie!
- Okay, close your eyes.

376
00:20:05,632 --> 00:20:07,218
I want you to picture a boy.

377
00:20:07,343 --> 00:20:08,998
- Is he white?
- Yes, he's white.

378
00:20:09,248 --> 00:20:10,488
He's also not popular.

379
00:20:10,613 --> 00:20:13,234
And he gets shot down
by every girl that he asks out.

380
00:20:13,359 --> 00:20:15,713
But he keeps his chin up
through all of it.

381
00:20:16,042 --> 00:20:17,476
And then he takes a chance.

382
00:20:17,601 --> 00:20:19,966
He takes a chance
by joining the football team

383
00:20:20,091 --> 00:20:23,840
'cause the only thing he really wants
to win is his father's affection.

384
00:20:24,964 --> 00:20:27,646
And then, his father cuts him
from the team.

385
00:20:27,853 --> 00:20:31,181
- Yeah, Steve, I really gotta...
- Now, picture that white boy

386
00:20:31,306 --> 00:20:32,912
- is you.
- What?!

387
00:20:33,638 --> 00:20:35,573
My daddy cut me from the team?

388
00:20:35,777 --> 00:20:38,127
But, Daddy, I...
I tried my hardest.

389
00:20:38,693 --> 00:20:40,346
Why won't you love me?

390
00:20:41,189 --> 00:20:43,041
Why, Daddy?
Why?

391
00:20:50,201 --> 00:20:52,013
Oh, God, this feels so good.

392
00:20:53,845 --> 00:20:56,317
That's right, Dad, let it out.

393
00:20:58,235 --> 00:21:00,973
What a wonderful alternative
to suicide!

394
00:21:01,346 --> 00:21:02,346
Told ya.

395
00:21:03,966 --> 00:21:05,216
Thank you, son.

396
00:21:05,711 --> 00:21:06,711
Thank you.

397
00:21:07,832 --> 00:21:10,128
Look at this.
We're having a father-son moment.

398
00:21:11,160 --> 00:21:12,478
Quit ruining it!