1
00:00:02,418 --> 00:00:03,851
(upbeat March plays)
2
00:00:03,919 --> 00:00:06,754
¶ good morning, usa! ¶
3
00:00:06,822 --> 00:00:10,625
¶ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ¶
4
00:00:10,693 --> 00:00:13,561
¶ the sun in the sky has
a smile on his face ¶
5
00:00:13,629 --> 00:00:17,765
¶ and he's shining a salute
to the american race ¶
6
00:00:19,868 --> 00:00:23,304
¶ oh, boy, it's swell to say ¶
7
00:00:23,372 --> 00:00:25,206
¶ good... ¶ good morning, usa ¶
8
00:00:25,274 --> 00:00:26,841
Aah!
9
00:00:26,909 --> 00:00:31,379
Sync by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
10
00:00:33,649 --> 00:00:36,050
Ah, damn it!
11
00:00:36,118 --> 00:00:39,020
This country's gone to hell
since the democrats took over.
12
00:00:39,088 --> 00:00:41,456
They just throw money at
anyone who asks for help.
13
00:00:41,524 --> 00:00:43,224
I know, it's wonderful!
14
00:00:43,292 --> 00:00:44,926
Name's fantasia lopez.
15
00:00:44,994 --> 00:00:47,695
I'm on my way to welfare
to get some free stuff.
16
00:00:47,763 --> 00:00:49,364
Don't you worry, babies.
17
00:00:49,432 --> 00:00:51,032
Momma's gonna get some food stamps
18
00:00:51,100 --> 00:00:54,035
So you can get the milk duds you need.
19
00:00:54,103 --> 00:00:56,738
Look, roger's clearly taking advantage,
20
00:00:56,806 --> 00:00:58,606
But social programs are important.
21
00:00:58,674 --> 00:01:00,341
Social programs are a crutch.
22
00:01:00,409 --> 00:01:03,044
Bailing out people too
weak to help themselves.
23
00:01:03,112 --> 00:01:04,813
(sneezes) good point, nose.
24
00:01:04,880 --> 00:01:07,482
You see, I have a cold,
but I'm going to work.
25
00:01:07,550 --> 00:01:08,750
I'm not crawling around the house
26
00:01:08,818 --> 00:01:11,853
Like david hasselhoff
trying to eat a hamburger.
27
00:01:11,921 --> 00:01:13,988
(blowing nose) hey, dad, before you leave,
28
00:01:14,056 --> 00:01:15,924
Can you help me with my homework? No!
29
00:01:15,991 --> 00:01:17,292
Everyone asking for help.
30
00:01:17,359 --> 00:01:19,260
Don't study things you can't grasp!
31
00:01:19,328 --> 00:01:20,895
Honey, I'm late for the supermarket.
32
00:01:20,963 --> 00:01:22,230
Can you get my zipper? No!
33
00:01:22,298 --> 00:01:24,466
Don't wear clothes you can't manage!
34
00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:25,967
(choking)
35
00:01:26,035 --> 00:01:27,235
She's choking!
36
00:01:27,303 --> 00:01:28,703
Dad, do something! No!
37
00:01:28,771 --> 00:01:30,138
Don't eat food you can't handle.
38
00:01:30,206 --> 00:01:31,539
Do not help her, francine.
39
00:01:31,607 --> 00:01:34,175
Come on, hayley,
you can get yourself out of this.
40
00:01:34,243 --> 00:01:37,312
(gasping)
41
00:01:39,315 --> 00:01:41,583
See, she saved her own life.
42
00:01:41,650 --> 00:01:42,884
Oh, three-second rule.
43
00:01:42,952 --> 00:01:46,087
Ugh, hayley, you know I
don't like turkey sausage.
44
00:01:46,155 --> 00:01:47,822
Why'd you give me this?
45
00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:48,790
(zipping)
46
00:01:48,858 --> 00:01:50,425
Oh, thank you, greg.
47
00:01:50,493 --> 00:01:51,392
Why don't you come in for a bit?
48
00:01:51,460 --> 00:01:52,627
We're having mimosas.
49
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:54,696
On a Monday? What's the occasion?
50
00:01:54,763 --> 00:01:56,197
We always have brunch.
51
00:01:56,265 --> 00:01:58,366
It's the most important gay meal of the day.
52
00:01:58,434 --> 00:02:00,468
It's the only meal of the day for me.
53
00:02:00,536 --> 00:02:02,136
I'm gay fat.
54
00:02:02,204 --> 00:02:04,439
I'm straight thin, but I'm gay fat.
55
00:02:07,243 --> 00:02:09,911
Next, we pull back the muscle flaps.
56
00:02:09,979 --> 00:02:11,446
I-I can't do it.
57
00:02:11,514 --> 00:02:14,249
Oh, come on, he's a friendly guy!
58
00:02:14,316 --> 00:02:15,683
¶ hello, my baby ¶
59
00:02:15,751 --> 00:02:17,018
¶ hello, my honey ¶
60
00:02:17,086 --> 00:02:18,753
¶ hello, my ragtime gal. ¶
61
00:02:18,821 --> 00:02:21,589
(laughing)
62
00:02:21,657 --> 00:02:23,625
You are so cute!
63
00:02:23,692 --> 00:02:25,660
We should hang out some time after school.
64
00:02:25,728 --> 00:02:27,462
Listen, I'll say this for your own good
65
00:02:27,530 --> 00:02:28,563
'cause you're new here.
66
00:02:28,631 --> 00:02:29,797
I'm a nerd.
67
00:02:29,865 --> 00:02:30,999
I know.
68
00:02:31,066 --> 00:02:33,134
Nerds are kind of my thing.
69
00:02:33,202 --> 00:02:36,504
If you think that was nerdy,
check this!
70
00:02:36,572 --> 00:02:38,172
¶ when the pimp's in the crib, ma ¶
71
00:02:38,240 --> 00:02:40,441
¶ hop it like it's hot,
hop it like it's hot ¶
72
00:02:40,509 --> 00:02:41,843
¶ hop it like it's hot ¶
73
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:45,179
Snoop froggy frog. (laughing)
74
00:02:45,247 --> 00:02:46,314
You're still on board, right?
75
00:02:49,018 --> 00:02:50,885
You sure you won't have one more?
76
00:02:50,953 --> 00:02:53,988
Thanks, but I'm a bit tipsy as it is.
77
00:02:54,056 --> 00:02:55,423
It's bad enough I peed in your shower.
78
00:02:55,491 --> 00:02:57,325
Bye!
79
00:02:57,393 --> 00:02:59,928
Oh... What did she just say?
80
00:02:59,995 --> 00:03:02,130
Tuttle: Hiya, francine!
81
00:03:02,197 --> 00:03:03,831
You should move your car.
82
00:03:03,899 --> 00:03:05,667
It's street cleaning today.
83
00:03:05,734 --> 00:03:07,669
Oh, thank you, al.
84
00:03:12,808 --> 00:03:15,343
(sirens blaring)
85
00:03:15,411 --> 00:03:19,013
I'm afraid that was an illegal
u-turn, ma'am.
86
00:03:19,081 --> 00:03:21,449
Oh, come on, I live right there.
87
00:03:21,517 --> 00:03:24,319
Can't you just give me a break, pig(bleep)?
88
00:03:24,386 --> 00:03:26,821
That is not my name, ma'am.
89
00:03:28,424 --> 00:03:32,860
(gasps) oh, forgive me, officer figpucker.
90
00:03:32,928 --> 00:03:35,463
I... I'm drunk is all.
91
00:03:38,167 --> 00:03:39,467
Stan: Francine!
92
00:03:39,535 --> 00:03:40,868
Oh, stan, thank god.
93
00:03:40,936 --> 00:03:42,470
Did you pay my bail yet?
94
00:03:42,538 --> 00:03:43,671
Oh, no. (sneezes)
95
00:03:43,739 --> 00:03:44,939
I just came to visit.
96
00:03:45,007 --> 00:03:46,541
You know I don't believe
in bailing people out.
97
00:03:46,609 --> 00:03:49,143
So, have you traded bras
with your cellmate yet?
98
00:03:49,211 --> 00:03:51,245
What? Like at summer camp.
99
00:03:51,313 --> 00:03:53,214
You think girls trade bras at summer camp?
100
00:03:53,282 --> 00:03:54,616
I would.
101
00:03:54,683 --> 00:03:56,684
I'd get rid of my ratty old beige bras
102
00:03:56,752 --> 00:03:58,286
And trade up for something lacey.
103
00:03:58,354 --> 00:04:02,724
Stan, listen, it's okay for
people to ask for help.
104
00:04:02,791 --> 00:04:05,159
Like when they're in a drunk tank
105
00:04:05,227 --> 00:04:07,829
With a guy who calls himself "mr.
Businessman."
106
00:04:07,896 --> 00:04:10,932
I'm wearing a suit, you see.
107
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:12,500
Francine, I'm sorry,
108
00:04:12,568 --> 00:04:14,202
But you need to get
yourself out of this mess.
109
00:04:14,269 --> 00:04:15,737
(sneezes)
110
00:04:15,804 --> 00:04:18,206
Now, I've got to go home and
nurse this cold with some soup.
111
00:04:18,273 --> 00:04:20,642
¶ chunky beef. ¶
112
00:04:20,709 --> 00:04:24,045
(singing funky bassline)
113
00:04:24,113 --> 00:04:26,014
Want me to be your husband?
114
00:04:26,081 --> 00:04:27,081
(scoffs)
115
00:04:27,149 --> 00:04:29,584
You're right to make me earn it.
116
00:04:31,754 --> 00:04:34,088
(slurping)
117
00:04:37,726 --> 00:04:40,094
There's our little jailbird now.
118
00:04:40,162 --> 00:04:42,030
See, she got out all by herself,
119
00:04:42,097 --> 00:04:44,565
And I bet she's a better
person for the experience.
120
00:04:44,633 --> 00:04:47,335
They branded me with a shamrock, stan.
121
00:04:47,403 --> 00:04:51,606
I'm a member of the aryan lassies now.
122
00:04:51,674 --> 00:04:53,241
So, mom, how'd you get out of jail?
123
00:04:53,308 --> 00:04:55,143
Well, I went before the judge,
124
00:04:55,210 --> 00:04:57,779
And she sentenced me to community service.
125
00:04:57,846 --> 00:04:59,847
So, I'm working at a soup
kitchen starting today.
126
00:04:59,915 --> 00:05:01,249
Soup kitchen?
127
00:05:01,316 --> 00:05:03,785
No, no, no, it's wrong
to feed starving people.
128
00:05:03,852 --> 00:05:05,086
It takes away their motivation.
129
00:05:05,154 --> 00:05:07,455
The system works!
130
00:05:07,523 --> 00:05:09,390
I need to be over there.
131
00:05:11,727 --> 00:05:13,961
I'm gonna keep swinging my baby lasso
132
00:05:14,029 --> 00:05:16,030
Till I catch me a man.
133
00:05:19,668 --> 00:05:21,502
Out of my way, bums.
134
00:05:21,570 --> 00:05:22,804
Stan?
135
00:05:22,871 --> 00:05:24,906
This is the soup my wife
is serving for dinner.
136
00:05:24,973 --> 00:05:26,274
That makes it my dinner.
137
00:05:26,341 --> 00:05:28,443
This is my soup.
138
00:05:28,510 --> 00:05:29,777
You'll have to find something else to spill
139
00:05:29,845 --> 00:05:32,380
On the outermost of your five coats.
140
00:05:35,451 --> 00:05:37,952
Looks like a whole lot of soup.
141
00:05:38,020 --> 00:05:39,954
Who are you, the damn soup police?
142
00:05:40,022 --> 00:05:41,456
I deserved that.
143
00:05:41,523 --> 00:05:43,658
No, I'm sorry, I'm,
I'm just trying to nurse this cold.
144
00:05:43,726 --> 00:05:46,861
You know, I'm in the
pharmaceutical business.
145
00:05:46,929 --> 00:05:49,664
I might have something
that'll make you feel better.
146
00:05:52,434 --> 00:05:53,334
(inhaling sharply)
147
00:05:53,402 --> 00:05:56,337
This'll clear you right up.
148
00:05:57,806 --> 00:06:00,007
I see, it's some sort of heated inhalant.
149
00:06:01,510 --> 00:06:02,410
(inhaling)
150
00:06:09,985 --> 00:06:11,819
Wow, you're right, I feel great!
151
00:06:11,887 --> 00:06:13,354
Whoo!
152
00:06:13,422 --> 00:06:15,556
Any chance I could get some
of that cold medicine to go?
153
00:06:15,624 --> 00:06:17,191
Sure thing.
154
00:06:17,259 --> 00:06:18,960
No need, pal.
155
00:06:19,027 --> 00:06:20,461
First time's free.
156
00:06:20,529 --> 00:06:21,696
Whoo!
157
00:06:21,764 --> 00:06:23,097
I feel strong enough to drag a mattress
158
00:06:23,165 --> 00:06:25,032
Into an abandoned building!
159
00:06:26,735 --> 00:06:28,803
Hey, as long as you're giving out crack,
160
00:06:28,871 --> 00:06:30,938
How about you throw a little din
g-a-dong-ding-ding
161
00:06:31,006 --> 00:06:33,274
Old crackhead booboo's way?
162
00:06:33,342 --> 00:06:35,376
Not now, mom, I'm working.
163
00:06:39,086 --> 00:06:40,653
No, it's not crazy.
164
00:06:40,721 --> 00:06:42,622
What else would girls be doing at camp?
165
00:06:42,690 --> 00:06:46,593
Okay, everyone, it's time
for the cia obstacle course.
166
00:06:46,660 --> 00:06:48,294
(all cheering)
167
00:06:48,362 --> 00:06:50,964
Once outside, you'll navigate every obstacle
168
00:06:51,031 --> 00:06:53,566
You'll encounter in the
field in afghanistan.
169
00:06:53,634 --> 00:06:55,235
I set it up while you were at lunch.
170
00:06:55,302 --> 00:06:56,436
You rascal!
171
00:06:56,504 --> 00:06:59,105
You said you had paperwork to go over.
172
00:06:59,173 --> 00:07:01,608
I know! (all laughing) hot dog!
173
00:07:01,675 --> 00:07:03,109
(sneezing)
174
00:07:03,177 --> 00:07:04,878
Hmm, don't want this cold
175
00:07:04,945 --> 00:07:06,746
Getting in the way of my performance.
176
00:07:09,250 --> 00:07:11,885
On your mark, get set, go!
177
00:07:13,220 --> 00:07:15,488
Whoo! Yeah!
178
00:07:15,556 --> 00:07:17,524
(stan yelling)
179
00:07:17,591 --> 00:07:20,293
(stan grunting and panting)
180
00:07:20,361 --> 00:07:21,561
Whoo!
181
00:07:21,629 --> 00:07:23,530
The typical afghani market bazaar
182
00:07:23,597 --> 00:07:25,798
Has hidden dangers everywhere.
183
00:07:28,068 --> 00:07:30,036
The stitching is fantastic.
184
00:07:30,104 --> 00:07:31,504
This would really look great...
185
00:07:31,572 --> 00:07:32,539
(grunting)
186
00:07:32,606 --> 00:07:33,973
(panting)
187
00:07:34,041 --> 00:07:35,942
He likes you, picture?
188
00:07:36,010 --> 00:07:37,677
(neck cracking) (gasping)
189
00:07:39,747 --> 00:07:41,447
Stan (panting): Yeah!
190
00:07:44,852 --> 00:07:46,786
(sighing)
191
00:07:46,854 --> 00:07:48,588
(labored breathing)
192
00:07:48,656 --> 00:07:50,990
(yelling)
193
00:07:53,961 --> 00:07:55,361
Good work, smith.
194
00:07:55,429 --> 00:07:57,263
Whatever you're doing, keep it up.
195
00:07:57,331 --> 00:07:59,699
(sobbing): Look what you've done!
196
00:07:59,767 --> 00:08:00,934
She was my pet!
197
00:08:01,001 --> 00:08:02,468
Her name was hot sauce,
198
00:08:02,536 --> 00:08:04,203
And I loved her!
199
00:08:04,271 --> 00:08:06,973
I hope someone breaks your neck one day,
you murderer!
200
00:08:08,375 --> 00:08:10,543
Yeesh. I know, right?
201
00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:15,748
Let's see, I couldn't use the "f,
" so I subtract three points.
202
00:08:15,816 --> 00:08:17,884
I know something you can use the "f" for.
203
00:08:17,952 --> 00:08:19,185
Oh, my!
204
00:08:19,253 --> 00:08:20,720
You kids having a good time?
205
00:08:20,788 --> 00:08:22,488
(shrieks) hello, sir.
206
00:08:22,556 --> 00:08:23,923
Lovely day, is it not?
207
00:08:23,991 --> 00:08:25,959
Will you excuse us, jeanine?
208
00:08:27,361 --> 00:08:28,428
(gulps)
209
00:08:28,495 --> 00:08:29,829
Mr. Winthrop,
210
00:08:29,897 --> 00:08:31,130
I wasn't trying anything, I swear.
211
00:08:31,198 --> 00:08:32,932
That's a pity; jeanine likes you.
212
00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:33,933
Uh, what?
213
00:08:34,001 --> 00:08:35,902
Steve, I understand young love.
214
00:08:35,970 --> 00:08:38,471
My daughter wants to be with you intimately,
215
00:08:38,539 --> 00:08:40,807
And I'm here to tell you
that you have my blessing.
216
00:08:40,874 --> 00:08:42,275
Oh, god, I'm gonna pass out.
217
00:08:42,343 --> 00:08:45,211
If you and my daughter
get physical, I only ask
218
00:08:45,279 --> 00:08:48,147
That you do it safely, under my roof.
219
00:08:48,215 --> 00:08:50,116
Okay. Jeanine?
220
00:08:50,184 --> 00:08:51,784
(unzipping) jeanine?!
221
00:08:51,852 --> 00:08:54,354
Of course, I'll have to
meet your parents first.
222
00:08:55,322 --> 00:08:56,689
I'll organize a dinner
223
00:08:56,757 --> 00:08:58,257
For our families in a few days.
224
00:08:58,325 --> 00:09:00,460
And son?
225
00:09:01,695 --> 00:09:03,096
Safety first.
226
00:09:03,163 --> 00:09:05,798
And don't worry about the sheets.
227
00:09:05,866 --> 00:09:07,634
She's ridden horses her whole life.
228
00:09:11,772 --> 00:09:13,072
(lighter clicks on)
229
00:09:13,140 --> 00:09:14,374
(inhaling)
230
00:09:14,441 --> 00:09:15,375
(exhaling)
231
00:09:15,442 --> 00:09:16,609
Whew!
232
00:09:16,677 --> 00:09:18,344
Clears my sinuses right up!
233
00:09:18,412 --> 00:09:20,446
You gonna share that crack
you're doing or what?
234
00:09:20,514 --> 00:09:22,348
Crack? This is cold medicine.
235
00:09:22,416 --> 00:09:23,816
No, sir, it's crack.
236
00:09:23,884 --> 00:09:25,284
It's not crack!
237
00:09:25,352 --> 00:09:27,620
I bought it on a park bench
outside a soup kitchen
238
00:09:27,688 --> 00:09:30,523
From a guy in a lime-green suit-- oh,
my god, it's crack.
239
00:09:30,591 --> 00:09:31,858
Oh, my god!
240
00:09:31,925 --> 00:09:33,326
Cia agents are supposed to
241
00:09:33,394 --> 00:09:35,361
Distribute crack to the inner-city,
not smoke it!
242
00:09:35,429 --> 00:09:37,063
Okay, this is okay.
243
00:09:37,131 --> 00:09:38,998
Easy mistake; anyone could make it.
244
00:09:39,066 --> 00:09:40,933
I'll throw this away and forget about it.
245
00:09:41,001 --> 00:09:42,268
This is just between us, roger, all right?
246
00:09:42,336 --> 00:09:43,269
It will never happen again.
247
00:09:43,337 --> 00:09:44,604
(laughs)
248
00:09:44,672 --> 00:09:46,239
Never again.
249
00:09:46,306 --> 00:09:48,641
That's what I say every time
I wear the plunger penis.
250
00:09:53,313 --> 00:09:56,549
Ahh! I said I wouldn't do this again!
251
00:10:01,188 --> 00:10:04,123
I wish I was dead.
252
00:10:04,191 --> 00:10:05,725
Anyone else wish they were dead?
253
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:07,560
Uh, I don't.
254
00:10:07,628 --> 00:10:08,961
So, there's this girl I like,
255
00:10:09,029 --> 00:10:10,296
And her father wants our families
256
00:10:10,364 --> 00:10:11,698
To have dinner together.
257
00:10:11,765 --> 00:10:14,400
Oh, steve, your voice is
so annoying sometimes.
258
00:10:14,468 --> 00:10:18,304
(sobbing)
259
00:10:18,372 --> 00:10:19,872
(cackling)
260
00:10:19,940 --> 00:10:21,974
Look, forget it, it's just this damn cold.
261
00:10:22,042 --> 00:10:23,876
It's making me cranky. You know, stan,
262
00:10:23,944 --> 00:10:27,013
Sometimes people need help
getting over their colds.
263
00:10:27,081 --> 00:10:28,448
I don't need any help; I'm fine.
264
00:10:28,515 --> 00:10:30,950
Now, let's just all try
and enjoy our dinner.
265
00:10:31,018 --> 00:10:33,786
(slurping) (spoons clinking)
266
00:10:40,360 --> 00:10:42,195
(fingers tapping)
267
00:10:54,007 --> 00:10:55,708
(panting): I'm going to
go take out the trash.
268
00:10:55,776 --> 00:10:57,443
There he goes.
269
00:10:57,511 --> 00:10:59,378
All right, I didn't want to do this.
270
00:10:59,446 --> 00:11:01,380
Plunger boobies!
271
00:11:01,448 --> 00:11:02,615
Oh, my god!
272
00:11:02,683 --> 00:11:03,883
Could you imagine
273
00:11:03,951 --> 00:11:05,852
If I really had nips like these?
274
00:11:05,919 --> 00:11:08,855
I'd like to think I'd find love.
275
00:11:08,922 --> 00:11:12,125
Announcer (voice-over):
Do you sometimes feel irritable?
276
00:11:12,192 --> 00:11:14,127
Restless? Uneasy? Sad?
277
00:11:14,194 --> 00:11:16,462
Normal? Or just plain not high?
278
00:11:16,530 --> 00:11:19,031
Maybe it's time to try crack.
279
00:11:19,099 --> 00:11:20,867
¶ ¶
280
00:11:23,003 --> 00:11:24,170
(lighter clicks on)
281
00:11:26,373 --> 00:11:27,340
Crack may cause shivers.
282
00:11:27,407 --> 00:11:29,575
Night terrors, gay for pay,
283
00:11:29,643 --> 00:11:31,644
Heart palpitations,
homicidal paranoia,
284
00:11:31,712 --> 00:11:33,780
Or the sensation that you're on fire.
285
00:11:33,847 --> 00:11:35,615
Peeing blood and seeing
friends' faces
286
00:11:35,682 --> 00:11:38,050
As talking skeletons are possible
side effects of crack.
287
00:11:38,118 --> 00:11:39,986
People who use crack may
also experience
288
00:11:40,053 --> 00:11:43,189
Five to seven years in prison where brutal
raping may occur.
289
00:11:43,257 --> 00:11:44,924
If you experience one or more of these side
effects,
290
00:11:44,992 --> 00:11:46,192
Consult your dealer.
291
00:11:46,260 --> 00:11:47,360
You may need more crack.
292
00:11:47,427 --> 00:11:48,995
Crack.
293
00:11:49,062 --> 00:11:51,597
Isn't it time you see what all the fuss is
about?
294
00:11:57,571 --> 00:11:58,738
(scoffs)
295
00:11:58,806 --> 00:11:59,906
Why does oprah like this one?
296
00:11:59,973 --> 00:12:01,174
It's so boring.
297
00:12:01,241 --> 00:12:02,408
Shh!
298
00:12:02,476 --> 00:12:03,843
Are you crazy?!
299
00:12:03,911 --> 00:12:05,545
You can't speak ill of oprah.
300
00:12:05,612 --> 00:12:07,313
Val kilmer bad-mouthed oprah,
301
00:12:07,381 --> 00:12:10,283
And now he's slowly turning into a pumpkin!
302
00:12:10,350 --> 00:12:12,351
Stan, where have you been?
303
00:12:12,419 --> 00:12:14,387
I haven't seen you in three days.
304
00:12:14,454 --> 00:12:16,289
It feels that way because
we love each other.
305
00:12:16,356 --> 00:12:18,124
No, it's been three days.
306
00:12:18,192 --> 00:12:19,525
We need to talk.
307
00:12:19,593 --> 00:12:22,695
My atm card was rejected
for insufficient funds,
308
00:12:22,763 --> 00:12:25,598
My necklace is missing, the tv is gone.
309
00:12:25,666 --> 00:12:26,833
No, it's not. It's right there.
310
00:12:26,900 --> 00:12:29,602
I don't think that's the tv, stan.
311
00:12:29,670 --> 00:12:31,270
Sure it is. It's just not plugged in.
312
00:12:31,338 --> 00:12:33,272
Hey, wasn't your aunt beverly
buried with her jewelry?
313
00:12:33,340 --> 00:12:35,208
I want to go pay my respects.
Where was she buried?
314
00:12:35,275 --> 00:12:37,210
(farts) ooh, oh, diarrhea.
315
00:12:37,277 --> 00:12:38,644
Oh, good. Dad's home.
316
00:12:38,712 --> 00:12:40,046
Now, don't forget,
317
00:12:40,113 --> 00:12:41,714
Tonight is our dinner at jeanine's house.
318
00:12:41,782 --> 00:12:43,482
Roger's coming as my uncle cosworth.
319
00:12:43,550 --> 00:12:45,518
Land the ho, matey!
320
00:12:45,586 --> 00:12:46,719
No, roger.
321
00:12:46,787 --> 00:12:48,621
I need everything to go perfect tonight.
322
00:12:48,689 --> 00:12:50,423
Of course it will, honey.
323
00:12:50,490 --> 00:12:52,358
Now help me fix the tv.
324
00:12:57,130 --> 00:12:58,965
I don't think this is right.
325
00:13:01,535 --> 00:13:03,469
We like to finish the tour
326
00:13:03,537 --> 00:13:06,138
With our family's most cherished possession.
327
00:13:06,206 --> 00:13:08,608
A priceless fabergé egg.
328
00:13:08,675 --> 00:13:10,409
(tinging, cymbals crash)
329
00:13:10,477 --> 00:13:12,778
¶ ¶
330
00:13:12,846 --> 00:13:14,313
(clapping)
331
00:13:15,616 --> 00:13:18,050
Steve, your family is charming.
332
00:13:18,118 --> 00:13:19,752
Next time you're down at the marina,
333
00:13:19,820 --> 00:13:22,021
I'll let you hop on my 28 footer.
334
00:13:22,089 --> 00:13:23,990
Also, you should take a
spin on my boat. Ooh!
335
00:13:24,057 --> 00:13:26,092
(all laugh)
336
00:13:26,159 --> 00:13:27,894
Um, could you excuse me for a second?
337
00:13:29,563 --> 00:13:31,597
You guys mind if I steer the conversation
338
00:13:31,665 --> 00:13:33,633
To a little tech talk?
339
00:13:33,700 --> 00:13:35,668
Does your tv have insides?
340
00:13:35,736 --> 00:13:36,702
(tinging)
341
00:13:36,770 --> 00:13:38,704
What am I supposed to do with that?
342
00:13:38,772 --> 00:13:40,640
Come back with cash and we'll do business.
343
00:13:40,707 --> 00:13:42,808
(grunts)
344
00:13:42,876 --> 00:13:45,311
So, I'm huddled there with my eyes closed.
345
00:13:45,379 --> 00:13:48,214
I feel the bear's wet nose on my cheek.
346
00:13:48,282 --> 00:13:50,182
Sorry about that.
347
00:13:50,250 --> 00:13:51,784
(thinking): Gotta find a way
to make some quick cash.
348
00:13:55,989 --> 00:13:57,023
(cymbals crash)
349
00:13:57,090 --> 00:13:59,592
¶ ¶
350
00:13:59,660 --> 00:14:01,294
So, with the black bear, I wasn't sure
351
00:14:01,361 --> 00:14:02,628
If you're supposed to make yourself look
352
00:14:02,696 --> 00:14:04,096
As big as possible or as...
353
00:14:04,164 --> 00:14:05,464
(zipper opening) (gasps) hey!
354
00:14:05,532 --> 00:14:06,899
20 bucks, I'll make you see heaven.
355
00:14:06,967 --> 00:14:08,868
Stan, what the hell are you doing?
356
00:14:08,936 --> 00:14:10,770
Yeah, dad, what is wrong with you?
357
00:14:10,837 --> 00:14:11,938
Isn't it obvious?
358
00:14:12,005 --> 00:14:13,272
Guy can't handle his crack.
359
00:14:13,340 --> 00:14:14,106
(all gasp)
360
00:14:14,174 --> 00:14:15,341
Ten bucks.
361
00:14:15,409 --> 00:14:16,375
Ten bucks and you can slap me with it.
362
00:14:16,443 --> 00:14:17,677
What?
363
00:14:17,744 --> 00:14:19,211
Stan, you're on crack?!
364
00:14:19,279 --> 00:14:20,546
No! No!
365
00:14:20,614 --> 00:14:22,248
I will be as soon as this pervert pays me.
366
00:14:22,316 --> 00:14:24,250
Get out of my house.
367
00:14:24,318 --> 00:14:26,218
No! Sir, please!
368
00:14:26,286 --> 00:14:29,121
I'm sorry it didn't work out, son.
369
00:14:29,189 --> 00:14:31,023
(clears throat)
370
00:14:32,726 --> 00:14:34,593
Honey, point them to the door.
371
00:14:34,661 --> 00:14:36,595
First you go down that hallway,
372
00:14:36,663 --> 00:14:38,464
And then you take a left.
373
00:14:48,963 --> 00:14:50,531
Stan, we need to talk.
374
00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:52,600
We're here because we love you.
375
00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:54,001
I'll go first.
376
00:14:54,069 --> 00:14:56,570
Stan, do you have any
idea how dangerous it is
377
00:14:56,638 --> 00:14:58,305
To go downtown and buy crack?
378
00:14:58,373 --> 00:15:00,341
You could've bought from me,
right here in the house.
379
00:15:00,408 --> 00:15:02,109
Roger, you're not being helpful.
380
00:15:02,177 --> 00:15:03,777
Did you really expect me to be?
381
00:15:03,845 --> 00:15:06,780
We're here to talk about your drug problem.
382
00:15:06,848 --> 00:15:08,482
It's hurting the family.
383
00:15:08,550 --> 00:15:10,284
I had a sure thing, old man!
384
00:15:10,352 --> 00:15:11,452
(grunts) (groans)
385
00:15:11,520 --> 00:15:13,687
Dad, you have a problem, and you need help.
386
00:15:13,755 --> 00:15:15,756
(sighs)
387
00:15:15,824 --> 00:15:17,191
You're right.
388
00:15:17,259 --> 00:15:18,626
I have a crack addiction.
389
00:15:18,693 --> 00:15:21,362
And I've been stealing from
all of you to support it.
390
00:15:21,429 --> 00:15:23,697
I took the tv and francine's jewelry.
391
00:15:23,765 --> 00:15:26,133
Roger, I stole about eight of your wigs.
392
00:15:26,201 --> 00:15:28,169
But those were just to
wear while I was high.
393
00:15:28,236 --> 00:15:30,704
Super fun to walk around high in a wig.
394
00:15:32,774 --> 00:15:35,609
But my family shouldn't
have to pay the price.
395
00:15:35,677 --> 00:15:37,711
I realize that now.
396
00:15:37,779 --> 00:15:39,947
And I'm going to kick this thing, I swear.
397
00:15:40,015 --> 00:15:41,916
Oh, thank god!
398
00:15:41,983 --> 00:15:43,817
Now we can get you the help you need.
399
00:15:43,885 --> 00:15:45,152
No!
400
00:15:45,220 --> 00:15:47,955
Stan smith doesn't take help from anyone!
401
00:15:48,023 --> 00:15:50,791
I got myself into this, I'll get myself out.
402
00:15:53,328 --> 00:15:55,262
(sighs) while we're all here,
403
00:15:55,330 --> 00:15:57,798
I think I'm addicted to pot.
404
00:15:57,866 --> 00:15:59,700
Don't be ridiculous.
405
00:16:00,902 --> 00:16:02,369
Okay, roger.
406
00:16:02,437 --> 00:16:05,739
For the next 48 hours,
your attic is my withdrawal pod.
407
00:16:05,807 --> 00:16:07,641
I'm doing this on my own.
No help from anyone.
408
00:16:07,709 --> 00:16:09,210
Don't let anyone in,
409
00:16:09,277 --> 00:16:10,811
And whatever I say,
410
00:16:10,879 --> 00:16:12,780
Don't open the door. Got it.
411
00:16:12,847 --> 00:16:15,015
You've got the room for
as long as you need it.
412
00:16:15,083 --> 00:16:17,518
Good luck, friend.
413
00:16:17,586 --> 00:16:18,819
(lock clicks)
414
00:16:18,887 --> 00:16:20,754
(sighs)
415
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:23,591
(lock opens)
416
00:16:23,658 --> 00:16:25,526
I forgot my comb. I need crack!
417
00:16:25,594 --> 00:16:28,028
(running, glass shattering)
418
00:16:28,096 --> 00:16:29,930
Why do I need a comb?
419
00:16:31,833 --> 00:16:33,767
(crashing downstairs)
420
00:16:33,835 --> 00:16:35,202
Intruders!
421
00:16:35,270 --> 00:16:36,937
(thudding and clattering)
422
00:16:37,005 --> 00:16:37,838
(glass shattering)
423
00:16:39,374 --> 00:16:42,042
What are you doing with
my local daytime emmy?
424
00:16:42,110 --> 00:16:44,278
I-I-I need to pawn it for cash.
425
00:16:44,346 --> 00:16:46,046
You can't; it's priceless.
You can't; it's worthless.
426
00:16:46,114 --> 00:16:47,381
(siren chirps, knocking on door)
427
00:16:47,449 --> 00:16:48,882
Officer: We have the place surrounded!
428
00:16:48,950 --> 00:16:50,417
Come out with your hands up!
429
00:16:50,485 --> 00:16:52,386
So you can force me into rehab? No dice.
430
00:16:52,454 --> 00:16:54,688
Now, let me go,
or I'll kill the gay news team!
431
00:16:54,756 --> 00:16:56,123
(both gasp)
432
00:16:56,191 --> 00:16:57,925
You can just say news team.
433
00:17:03,331 --> 00:17:05,232
Malcolm hathaway.
434
00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:06,734
Hostage negotiator.
435
00:17:06,801 --> 00:17:08,068
I'll take it from here.
436
00:17:08,136 --> 00:17:10,237
Don't worry, ma'am, I'm the best there is.
437
00:17:10,305 --> 00:17:12,406
We're going to get your
husband out of there.
438
00:17:12,474 --> 00:17:14,475
(speed-dial tone)
439
00:17:14,542 --> 00:17:15,442
(phone rings)
440
00:17:15,510 --> 00:17:16,543
Hello?
441
00:17:16,611 --> 00:17:18,212
Stan, it's malcolm hathaway,
442
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:19,680
Hostage negotiator.
443
00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:21,081
I just want to talk.
444
00:17:21,149 --> 00:17:22,383
I don't have anything to say!
445
00:17:22,450 --> 00:17:23,717
(sighs)
446
00:17:23,785 --> 00:17:25,786
Get him $50,000 in unmarked bills.
447
00:17:25,854 --> 00:17:28,122
Sir, he didn't ask for money.
448
00:17:28,189 --> 00:17:31,091
Then make it 500,000!
449
00:17:31,159 --> 00:17:33,027
I don't think this guy's very good.
450
00:17:33,094 --> 00:17:34,261
You know what I'm good at?
451
00:17:34,329 --> 00:17:36,230
Cartwheels! Watch!
452
00:17:36,298 --> 00:17:39,099
(groaning)
453
00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:41,101
Stan (on phone): Hello? Are you still there?
454
00:17:41,169 --> 00:17:43,604
(chuckles) oh, this game.
455
00:17:43,672 --> 00:17:46,073
Fine, I'll get you a plane to colombia.
456
00:17:46,141 --> 00:17:47,508
Cocaine is dirt cheap there.
457
00:17:47,575 --> 00:17:49,610
That... That sounds good.
458
00:17:49,678 --> 00:17:51,145
It's on its way.
459
00:17:51,212 --> 00:17:53,147
As a gesture of goodwill,
460
00:17:53,214 --> 00:17:54,882
I'm going to give you another hostage.
461
00:17:54,949 --> 00:17:56,784
Send in the boy.
462
00:18:03,091 --> 00:18:06,026
Well, this is getting interesting.
463
00:18:06,094 --> 00:18:08,862
I bought this chair for my eclipse party.
464
00:18:08,930 --> 00:18:10,597
The only one who showed up was tuttle.
465
00:18:10,665 --> 00:18:12,433
I thought it was an éclair party.
466
00:18:12,500 --> 00:18:14,735
You don't listen!
467
00:18:14,803 --> 00:18:16,637
(jet engine whirring)
468
00:18:23,011 --> 00:18:24,845
Hathaway: Okay, mr.
Smith, just get on the plane
469
00:18:24,913 --> 00:18:26,747
And get the hell out of here.
470
00:18:29,851 --> 00:18:31,819
Stan, don't go!
471
00:18:31,886 --> 00:18:33,754
We love you! Let us help you!
472
00:18:33,822 --> 00:18:35,756
I told you I don't need help!
473
00:18:35,824 --> 00:18:37,424
I need crack!
474
00:18:37,492 --> 00:18:38,726
Now, where's the fly button?
475
00:18:38,793 --> 00:18:39,993
Oh, here it is.
476
00:18:45,500 --> 00:18:47,201
Okay, the newscasters are clear.
477
00:18:47,268 --> 00:18:48,569
Take your shot! What?
478
00:18:48,636 --> 00:18:50,270
But they're... Take your shot!
479
00:18:50,338 --> 00:18:51,739
(gunshot) greg!
480
00:18:51,806 --> 00:18:52,740
(gunshot)
481
00:18:52,807 --> 00:18:55,008
I don't know about you,
482
00:18:55,076 --> 00:18:58,512
But I sure would like a slice
of pie right about now.
483
00:18:58,580 --> 00:19:00,414
(muffled screaming) (moaning)
484
00:19:00,482 --> 00:19:03,150
Yay!
485
00:19:12,093 --> 00:19:13,961
Finally.
486
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:16,964
The majestic crack fields of colombia.
487
00:19:17,031 --> 00:19:19,900
I can live like a king here
for the rest of my days.
488
00:19:22,170 --> 00:19:24,104
Crack?
489
00:19:24,172 --> 00:19:25,773
Can I... Can I have some crack?
490
00:19:25,840 --> 00:19:27,708
Just a little... Just a little crack.
491
00:19:27,776 --> 00:19:29,643
Give me your wallet! What? No!
492
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:31,712
Give me your wallet! Get off me!
This is a mugging.
493
00:19:31,780 --> 00:19:33,414
I'm not giving you my wallet. Give it to me!
494
00:19:34,649 --> 00:19:36,617
Help me rob this white man.
495
00:19:36,684 --> 00:19:37,751
You're asking for help.
496
00:19:37,819 --> 00:19:39,386
That's so pathetic.
497
00:19:39,454 --> 00:19:41,388
You didn't kick. You need to kick.
498
00:19:41,456 --> 00:19:42,756
(grunts) (groans)
499
00:19:42,824 --> 00:19:44,625
No, don't help him. It's a crutch.
500
00:19:44,692 --> 00:19:45,692
It'll make the kid weak.
501
00:19:45,760 --> 00:19:48,462
No! He needed our help and he asked.
502
00:19:48,530 --> 00:19:50,297
There is no shame in that.
503
00:19:50,365 --> 00:19:51,899
Shoes are very valuable.
504
00:19:51,966 --> 00:19:53,467
Never forget the shoes.
505
00:19:54,669 --> 00:19:57,571
Oh, and check his pocket.
506
00:19:57,639 --> 00:19:59,273
Look, plane keys!
507
00:19:59,340 --> 00:20:00,808
I did it!
508
00:20:00,875 --> 00:20:02,676
Thank you, everyone, thank you!
509
00:20:05,547 --> 00:20:07,448
Oh, my god!
510
00:20:07,515 --> 00:20:09,283
You helped him.
511
00:20:09,350 --> 00:20:11,985
And it didn't make him weaker.
512
00:20:12,053 --> 00:20:13,487
It made him a better thief.
513
00:20:13,555 --> 00:20:14,488
(airplane whooshing)
514
00:20:14,556 --> 00:20:16,290
(cheering and whooping)
515
00:20:21,629 --> 00:20:23,597
I need some soup.
516
00:20:23,665 --> 00:20:25,599
And some help.
517
00:20:25,667 --> 00:20:26,834
Stan!
518
00:20:26,901 --> 00:20:28,068
You were right.
519
00:20:28,136 --> 00:20:30,103
Everyone needs help sometimes.
520
00:20:30,171 --> 00:20:31,271
And that's okay.
521
00:20:31,339 --> 00:20:33,106
Oh, honey,
522
00:20:33,174 --> 00:20:35,576
We're going to get you
everything you need to kick this.
523
00:20:35,643 --> 00:20:38,011
I'm ready to change.
524
00:20:38,079 --> 00:20:41,081
Right after I smoke crack one more time!
525
00:20:46,788 --> 00:20:48,722
I did it!
526
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:50,190
I kicked it for good!
527
00:20:50,258 --> 00:20:52,793
Oh, stan, we missed you so much!
528
00:20:52,861 --> 00:20:54,161
Welcome back, dad.
529
00:20:54,229 --> 00:20:56,096
I will hate you until the day I die.
530
00:20:56,164 --> 00:20:57,364
Sure thing, kiddo.
531
00:20:57,432 --> 00:20:59,666
Camping sounds great.
532
00:20:59,734 --> 00:21:01,702
(sighs)
533
00:21:01,769 --> 00:21:04,605
Mom, while we're here,
534
00:21:04,672 --> 00:21:07,407
I really think I should check
myself in for my pot problem.
535
00:21:07,475 --> 00:21:09,643
Just stop it, hayley.
536
00:21:09,711 --> 00:21:10,944
Sync by honeybunny
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