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Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
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♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
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♪ I got a feeling that it's
gonna be a wonderful day ♪
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♪ The sun in the sky
has a smile on his face ♪
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♪ And he's shining a salute
to the American race ♪
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♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪
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♪ Good... ♪
♪ Good morning, USA ♪
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Aah!
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♪ Good morning, USA! ♪
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Straight A's, Daddy-o.
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Nope. I don't see
any athletics on here.
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Yeah, I'm not much of a sports guy.
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I'm more of a good-grades guy.
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That's who I am.
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Hey!
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Son, good grades won't get you
anywhere in life.
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You only get places through
athletic accomplishments.
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Well, what about Bill Gates?
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Before he blew out his ACL
and had to do computers,
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Bill Gates rushed
for over 300 yards a game.
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Uh, I don't think that's right, Dad.
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And I don't know
the recipe for apple pie,
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but that didn't stop me
from making one.
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Now, while that cools,
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come on, I want
to show you something.
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The Stan Smith Wrestling Museum.
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Dedicated to the high school
wrestling career of Stan Smith.
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Um, I've lived in this
house my whole life.
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How long's this been here?
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Construction of the museum
began in 1998.
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I should know because,
like Ross on Friends,
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I'm a docent.
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But unlike Ross,
I don't look like a Monchichi.
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I take the tour every day.
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Except for Sundays,
when the tour is free
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and the place gets a little...
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ethnic.
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Steve, I was once
a loser just like you.
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Hurtful.
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Then, in my junior year,
I took up wrestling.
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It changed my life.
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I went from zero to hero to De Niro.
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"You talkin' to me?
You talkin' to me?"
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Uh...
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And the ultimate testament
to my greatness
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is the state record I still hold.
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20 wins in a row.
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And no one's even come close
to beating it.
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Yep, that record there is the mark
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I've made on this Earth.
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And when I'm gone, it will remain.
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Without it, I am nothing.
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I certainly wouldn't have
a great piece of ass like this.
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You know who else
really appreciates my rump?
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Charlotte.
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The point is, if you want
to get anywhere in life,
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you have to join the wrestling team.
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Gee, Dad, that sounds great.
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Oh, no.
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The school doesn't have a
wrestling program anymore.
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Ah, squigglebottom.
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What? I am outraged!
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Well, take your outrage elsewhere.
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I have another group coming through.
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We'll exit through the gift shop.
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Make sure to check out
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our Stan Smith pan flute
rain forest music.
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Each song sounds the same,
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yet somehow manages
to be worse than the last.
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As many of you know,
the wrestling program
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has been defunct for several years.
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Ever since the former coach
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was caught teaching
a style of wrestling
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that would perhaps be
more at home in a prison...
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between a prisoner
and a weaker, prettier prisoner.
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But now an annoying...
I mean involved... parent
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wants to bring the program back.
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I give you
the most decorated wrestler
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in Pearl Bailey history, Stan Smith.
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Thank you.
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Anyone interested
in joining the wrestling team,
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please raise your hand.
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What if I said you get to do
stuff like this?
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Aah! My back!
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How about that?
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Congratulations, Steve.
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You and your friends made the cut.
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So I give you your Pearl Bailey
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varsity high school wrestling team.
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Um, just going back a sec.
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Are you saying Coach Keegan,
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who is now the baseball coach,
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(bleep) his wrestlers?
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That was a long time ago.
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All right, gladiators.
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This is what we've practiced
so hard for.
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Our first meet.
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We're going to kill them!
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Schmuely, remember what I taught you?
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Yes, Coach.
Good.
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Now, get in there
and destroy this guy.
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Oh, my God!
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It's not going well for Snot.
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Oh, my God!
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But don't worry, son.
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You're a Smith.
You'll be fine.
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He's lying!
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You won't be fine!
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Call my aunt!
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That tickles.
Tickles.
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Tickling. Ticklish.
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Timber!
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Nice, Barry.
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All right, Barry!
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I'm having trouble changing
into my street clothes.
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All right, Steve,
the biggest myth in wrestling
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is that you need strong arms.
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Like kangaroos and rapists,
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all your power comes from your legs.
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I might have said frogs, but yeah.
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That's why I'm going to have you
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run the Chimdale Stairs,
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the longest staircase
in North America.
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I was a child when I fell.
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With stronger legs
from the stairs, you can't lose.
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Not to mention I dropped you
into a lower weight class.
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I am not
showing improvement.
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Uh-oh.
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Who wants him to die?
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Your boy's doing great, Stan.
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He hasn't won
a single match all season.
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No, I'm talking about Badass
Barry the Butterball Bear.
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Named him myself.
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Took me 19 days.
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He's undefeated.
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Only three wins away from
beating your record.
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What?!
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Make that two wins away.
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My God, I've been
so focused on Steve,
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I... I didn't even realize.
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You know, maybe...
maybe Barry
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should sit out a match,
get some rest.
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No, no, no, no, no.
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I got money on that belly.
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25 G's he breaks your record.
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I got a bookie who'll
take action on anything.
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Oh, my God!
I just got my first period.
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Ha!
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Earl, you owe me 25 bucks.
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How'd you know?
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Always bet on red.
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Anyway, the boy wrestles.
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I-I... I really don't think...
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I said the boy wrestles!
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I spent a lot of time
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Photoshopping Reagan
into that picture.
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And for what?
For nothing.
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Stan, you're making too much of this.
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Do you think Corey Haim cares
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that Corey Feldman went
on to great success?
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No, Corey Haim's doing great.
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But it's the foundation of who I am.
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Without that record,
I... I'll have nothing.
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Charlotte!
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Shut up, Charlotte!
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What am I going to do about
Barry beating my record?
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There's only one thing
you can do: sabotage.
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You gotta take Barry out.
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Excuse me. Hi.
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Were you videotaping that?
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'Cause I'm sort of planning
a crime against a child here.
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I can't do that. I'm his coach.
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No, but I can.
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You... you'd do it for me?
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I'd do it for me.
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I'm a docent, Stan.
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If he breaks your record,
I'm out of a job.
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And I will not go back
to Relax the Back.
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I repeat, I won't go
back to Relax the Ba
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as long as Douglas works there,
and we both know Douglas
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is going to work there
for the rest of his life.
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All right, Roger.
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Let's do it.
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Roger should have been back by now.
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How long does it take to maim a kid?
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Mission accomplished.
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I did him Tonya Harding style.
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With a...
and a...
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and a...
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Somebody beat up Snot!
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Uh, aren't you Snot?
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I'm Barry.
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Stan, I might have got the wrong one.
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Why? Why?
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Why ask why?
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Try Bud Dry.
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00:09:32,534 --> 00:09:34,144
That's an old reference.
198
00:09:34,269 --> 00:09:37,327
Not as old as the Nancy Kerrigan
thing you're doing.
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00:09:42,394 --> 00:09:43,620
Hey, watch it with that thing.
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00:09:43,745 --> 00:09:45,789
You're the one
who put me in this chair.
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00:09:45,914 --> 00:09:48,366
I crippled your legs,
not your manners.
202
00:09:50,285 --> 00:09:51,328
Where's my lucky butterball?
203
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He's up next.
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I don't know.
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00:09:54,856 --> 00:09:56,266
He should be here.
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00:09:56,391 --> 00:09:59,060
Gee, I hope he makes it on time.
207
00:10:03,365 --> 00:10:06,009
Dad, I got a good feeling
about this one.
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00:10:07,940 --> 00:10:10,171
Aah! He's so nimble!
209
00:10:20,816 --> 00:10:22,192
That was my longest match ever.
210
00:10:22,317 --> 00:10:24,761
Did you see how I
eluded his hand-feet?
211
00:10:24,886 --> 00:10:27,822
Can I pick out one toy
at Toys "R" Us?
212
00:10:29,658 --> 00:10:30,767
Well?
213
00:10:30,892 --> 00:10:31,902
This time, I got him.
214
00:10:32,027 --> 00:10:33,070
Trust me.
215
00:10:33,195 --> 00:10:35,138
Hey, ref, I don't know
where my guy is.
216
00:10:35,263 --> 00:10:36,553
I guess he'll have to forfeit.
217
00:10:37,136 --> 00:10:38,429
Fire! Fire!
218
00:10:38,595 --> 00:10:40,835
Stop! Drop! Roll!
219
00:10:44,101 --> 00:10:45,249
Damn it!
220
00:10:45,374 --> 00:10:47,417
Now he's one win away
from breaking my record.
221
00:10:47,542 --> 00:10:49,803
Sorry, Stan. I locked
him in the freezer.
222
00:10:49,928 --> 00:10:52,569
I don't know how the kid
set himself on fire.
223
00:10:57,235 --> 00:10:58,512
Small bills are in the safe.
224
00:10:58,637 --> 00:10:59,913
The rest is in my butt.
225
00:11:00,038 --> 00:11:01,548
I'm not here to rob you.
226
00:11:01,673 --> 00:11:04,163
I'm here to shoot a kid
in a tree house.
227
00:11:04,393 --> 00:11:06,103
You know what kid I wanted to kill?
228
00:11:06,228 --> 00:11:07,471
The youngest daughter
in Mrs. Doubtfire.
229
00:11:07,596 --> 00:11:08,739
Hated her face.
230
00:11:08,864 --> 00:11:10,791
By the time I could
get a good shot at her,
231
00:11:10,916 --> 00:11:12,797
she had grown up
and turned into nothing.
232
00:11:12,963 --> 00:11:14,761
Barry's only one win away.
233
00:11:14,886 --> 00:11:16,363
I will not lose my record!
234
00:11:16,488 --> 00:11:17,655
Well, killing him should do it.
235
00:11:22,544 --> 00:11:23,954
I can't get a clean shot.
236
00:11:24,079 --> 00:11:25,789
That damn oak tree is in the way.
237
00:11:25,914 --> 00:11:26,853
On it!
238
00:11:42,097 --> 00:11:44,174
I never knew you had
such powerful legs.
239
00:11:44,299 --> 00:11:46,476
Really? Really?
240
00:11:46,601 --> 00:11:48,211
You didn't know I had powerful legs?
241
00:11:48,336 --> 00:11:50,514
You never stared at my legs before?
242
00:11:50,639 --> 00:11:51,615
Okay.
243
00:11:51,740 --> 00:11:53,171
Okay, I'll just play along.
244
00:11:53,337 --> 00:11:54,301
This is great!
245
00:11:54,426 --> 00:11:56,003
I can teach you how to wrestle.
246
00:11:56,128 --> 00:11:58,438
You can pose as a student
at a rival high school,
247
00:11:58,563 --> 00:12:00,053
defeat Barry and save my record.
248
00:12:00,298 --> 00:12:02,142
So let me understand
this wrestling thing.
249
00:12:02,267 --> 00:12:05,646
The goal is to lie on top of
another man, against his will,
250
00:12:05,771 --> 00:12:07,781
for three seconds, in a bathing suit.
251
00:12:07,906 --> 00:12:10,417
Is this a high school sport
or my trip to Cancun?
252
00:12:12,227 --> 00:12:14,067
I'm sor... no, I'm-I'm in.
253
00:12:16,735 --> 00:12:17,791
Next match.
254
00:12:17,916 --> 00:12:20,365
Barry Robinson and Dimitri...
255
00:12:20,656 --> 00:12:21,728
Krotchlikmioff.
256
00:12:21,853 --> 00:12:23,897
Dimitri Krotchlikmioff.
257
00:12:24,022 --> 00:12:26,257
New exchange student from Russia.
258
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:37,799
One, two...
259
00:12:37,965 --> 00:12:38,758
Use your legs!
260
00:12:39,020 --> 00:12:40,718
I can't!
I have really weak legs.
261
00:12:40,884 --> 00:12:42,095
No, you don't, you have the opposite.
262
00:12:42,261 --> 00:12:43,554
I know, today's opposite day.
263
00:12:43,775 --> 00:12:45,223
No, it's not!
That means it is.
264
00:12:45,389 --> 00:12:47,058
I'm not playing!
That means you are.
265
00:12:47,224 --> 00:12:50,073
Roger, just win before
the ref stops politely waiting
266
00:12:50,198 --> 00:12:52,188
for our conversation to end
and gets to three.
267
00:12:52,354 --> 00:12:53,564
Fine.
268
00:12:55,987 --> 00:12:56,830
One, two, three!
269
00:12:56,955 --> 00:12:57,860
Winner!
270
00:12:58,026 --> 00:12:58,903
Yes!
271
00:13:00,362 --> 00:13:02,052
Yeah!
272
00:13:02,177 --> 00:13:03,887
I win! I win!
273
00:13:04,012 --> 00:13:06,690
Uh, Coach Smith, that's the guy
from the other team.
274
00:13:06,815 --> 00:13:08,246
Shut up, corned beef!
275
00:13:08,412 --> 00:13:10,668
I can feel your pulse in my thigh.
276
00:13:16,842 --> 00:13:18,201
Uh-uh, Francine.
277
00:13:18,326 --> 00:13:20,804
Allow me to take my dishes
to near the sink for you.
278
00:13:20,929 --> 00:13:22,789
Well, okay, mister.
279
00:13:22,914 --> 00:13:26,226
You've been a pleasure
since Barry lost his match.
280
00:13:26,351 --> 00:13:28,099
Oh, are my muscles sore.
281
00:13:28,265 --> 00:13:30,230
Tired muscles?
What, you been working out?
282
00:13:30,355 --> 00:13:31,615
No, I've been wrestling.
283
00:13:31,740 --> 00:13:33,717
Already won 15 matches in a row.
284
00:13:33,842 --> 00:13:35,152
I'm going after the state record.
285
00:13:35,277 --> 00:13:36,286
You're still wrestling?
286
00:13:36,411 --> 00:13:37,775
Why the hell would you do that?!
287
00:13:38,046 --> 00:13:40,023
Excellent question.
Here's my answer.
288
00:13:40,148 --> 00:13:42,225
I don't want to work
as a docent my whole life,
289
00:13:42,350 --> 00:13:45,575
unless I'm a docent in a museum
dedicated to me.
290
00:13:45,741 --> 00:13:46,797
Roger!
291
00:13:46,922 --> 00:13:48,665
I'm gonna beat your record, Stan,
292
00:13:48,790 --> 00:13:51,164
and there's nothing
you can do about it.
293
00:13:53,895 --> 00:13:56,606
500 on Jimmy Cooper
to go down in the egg toss.
294
00:13:56,731 --> 00:13:58,275
Boy's got shaky hands.
295
00:13:58,400 --> 00:14:00,811
His parents just got divorced
because his mom banged
296
00:14:00,936 --> 00:14:04,548
some black dude named
this big mamma-jamma right here!
297
00:14:04,673 --> 00:14:07,451
That Russian kid from Lanceton
is gonna beat my record.
298
00:14:07,576 --> 00:14:10,141
I have to stop him.
299
00:14:10,307 --> 00:14:12,672
You have to let me
back into high school so I can
300
00:14:12,797 --> 00:14:14,520
wrestle against Krotchlikmioff
and keep my record!
301
00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:16,843
I'll do it on one condition.
302
00:14:16,968 --> 00:14:18,779
You buy some candy bars from me
303
00:14:18,904 --> 00:14:21,027
so that I stay off drugs
and don't join gangs.
304
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:23,007
All right!
305
00:14:24,893 --> 00:14:26,436
I'm gonna keep my record!
306
00:14:28,597 --> 00:14:30,240
I can walk again!
307
00:14:30,365 --> 00:14:31,875
I can walk!
308
00:14:36,291 --> 00:14:40,484
You know, we always carry it
this way and bad things happen.
309
00:14:40,609 --> 00:14:42,319
Why don't we carry it this way?
310
00:14:42,444 --> 00:14:43,620
That's so smart.
311
00:14:43,745 --> 00:14:45,468
I think we're going
to get a promotion.
312
00:14:48,700 --> 00:14:50,534
My legs!
313
00:14:53,438 --> 00:14:54,439
It's a fit!
314
00:14:58,355 --> 00:15:01,108
♪ ♪
315
00:15:30,971 --> 00:15:32,671
♪ ♪
316
00:15:40,980 --> 00:15:42,424
Stan, what are you doing here?
317
00:15:42,549 --> 00:15:44,092
You don't need to come to class.
318
00:15:44,217 --> 00:15:45,794
Just show up for the wrestling match.
319
00:15:45,919 --> 00:15:47,062
Oh.
320
00:15:47,187 --> 00:15:49,064
Yeah. Okay.
321
00:15:49,189 --> 00:15:51,284
Sure.
322
00:15:52,458 --> 00:15:54,226
♪ ♪
323
00:16:05,288 --> 00:16:06,531
Hi. Remember me?
324
00:16:06,656 --> 00:16:08,166
I just rented this half an hour ago,
325
00:16:08,291 --> 00:16:09,802
but it turns out I don't need it.
326
00:16:09,968 --> 00:16:11,603
Yeah, sorry, you
drove it off the lot.
327
00:16:11,728 --> 00:16:13,037
B-But I don't need it.
328
00:16:13,162 --> 00:16:15,607
Sorry, dude. Still got to
charge you for the day.
329
00:16:15,732 --> 00:16:17,894
Just forget it.
330
00:16:20,870 --> 00:16:23,648
Hi. I just rented this, but
it keeps pulling to the right.
331
00:16:23,773 --> 00:16:25,741
I already told him no, Gary!
332
00:16:34,451 --> 00:16:35,510
What are you doing?!
333
00:16:35,635 --> 00:16:37,245
Erasing every trace of you.
334
00:16:37,370 --> 00:16:39,781
By tomorrow night, when
I pin you to the mat,
335
00:16:39,906 --> 00:16:41,716
all this will be mine.
336
00:16:41,841 --> 00:16:43,318
My Russian drifted into
337
00:16:43,443 --> 00:16:45,053
a little Dracula at the end there.
338
00:16:45,178 --> 00:16:46,378
I got to work on that.
339
00:16:48,514 --> 00:16:49,858
Stan, come to dinner.
340
00:16:49,983 --> 00:16:52,127
You don't want to be
in the museum after hours.
341
00:16:52,252 --> 00:16:53,962
That's when everything comes to life.
342
00:16:54,087 --> 00:16:56,698
Francine, there's no way I'm
giving this place to Roger.
343
00:16:56,823 --> 00:16:58,099
Okay, closing time.
344
00:16:58,224 --> 00:16:59,308
Everyone out.
345
00:17:12,364 --> 00:17:15,117
Well, Dad, you got a gym
full of fans waiting.
346
00:17:15,283 --> 00:17:18,052
Get in there and beat the
alien that lives in our attic
347
00:17:18,177 --> 00:17:20,789
that's dressed like a Russian
high school wrestler.
348
00:17:23,182 --> 00:17:24,759
Listen to that.
349
00:17:27,854 --> 00:17:30,383
These are some soundproof doors.
350
00:17:58,493 --> 00:18:00,361
Stan, what's that thing they say
351
00:18:00,486 --> 00:18:02,430
when a play runs for
a really long time?
352
00:18:02,555 --> 00:18:03,631
They say the play has...
353
00:18:03,756 --> 00:18:04,667
Sizzle?
354
00:18:04,833 --> 00:18:06,034
No, okay, okay.
355
00:18:06,159 --> 00:18:08,069
You know how when
you're drinking a glass of wine
356
00:18:08,194 --> 00:18:09,637
and some of it sticks to the glass?
357
00:18:09,762 --> 00:18:11,424
They say the wine has...
358
00:18:11,590 --> 00:18:12,258
Stickiness?
359
00:18:12,424 --> 00:18:13,551
- No!
- Sizzle?
360
00:18:13,717 --> 00:18:15,300
Legs! I wanted you to say "legs."
361
00:18:22,174 --> 00:18:25,570
Uh, you have to pin him on his back.
362
00:18:25,695 --> 00:18:26,689
Boo.
363
00:18:28,681 --> 00:18:29,781
One, two...
364
00:18:31,250 --> 00:18:33,612
One, two...
365
00:18:35,822 --> 00:18:36,898
I want that record!
366
00:18:37,023 --> 00:18:39,107
It belongs to me!
367
00:18:54,273 --> 00:18:55,593
♪ ♪
368
00:19:04,384 --> 00:19:05,910
One, two...
369
00:19:06,035 --> 00:19:07,145
It's been ten days.
370
00:19:07,270 --> 00:19:08,446
You gotta give up eventually.
371
00:19:08,571 --> 00:19:09,581
Never!
372
00:19:09,706 --> 00:19:11,233
Don't you have a job to go to?
373
00:19:12,742 --> 00:19:14,419
Smith, read this intel
and give me a report
374
00:19:14,544 --> 00:19:15,703
by the end of the day.
375
00:19:15,828 --> 00:19:17,406
On it, chief.
376
00:19:17,572 --> 00:19:20,124
Hooper, I owe you a new headboard!
377
00:19:20,249 --> 00:19:23,027
I broke yours last night
while I was banging your wife!
378
00:19:24,404 --> 00:19:26,040
You got me, Stan!
379
00:19:30,093 --> 00:19:32,544
Brought you two boys some soup.
380
00:19:33,830 --> 00:19:35,674
What's going on at home?
381
00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:36,941
Not much.
382
00:19:37,066 --> 00:19:39,944
Hayley is being a complete
pain in the ass, as usual.
383
00:19:40,069 --> 00:19:42,213
How's Girls Who Like Boys
Who Like Boys been?
384
00:19:42,338 --> 00:19:43,481
You've been TiVo-ing it, right?
385
00:19:43,606 --> 00:19:45,350
Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot.
386
00:19:45,475 --> 00:19:46,951
You bitch, now I'm gonna be behind.
387
00:19:47,076 --> 00:19:49,554
I'm doing this for you
and this is the thanks I get?
388
00:19:49,679 --> 00:19:50,815
Roger.
389
00:19:50,981 --> 00:19:52,590
What do you mean you're
doing this for her?
390
00:19:52,715 --> 00:19:54,443
Francine, what does he mean
he's doing this for you?
391
00:19:54,609 --> 00:19:55,793
Nothing!
He means nothing!
392
00:19:55,918 --> 00:19:57,862
Oh, for crying out loud.
She put me up to this
393
00:19:57,987 --> 00:19:59,263
'cause she wants you
to lose your record.
394
00:19:59,388 --> 00:20:00,282
What?
395
00:20:00,448 --> 00:20:01,866
I'm sorry, Stan.
396
00:20:01,991 --> 00:20:04,453
I'm just so tired
of that freakin' record.
397
00:20:04,619 --> 00:20:07,957
What? But you always
enjotouring my museum.
398
00:20:08,123 --> 00:20:10,541
No, I pretend to enjoy it.
399
00:20:10,666 --> 00:20:14,145
Stan, you got that stupid record
over 20 years ago,
400
00:20:14,270 --> 00:20:16,340
and I've heard about it
every day since.
401
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:17,716
But it's who I am.
402
00:20:17,882 --> 00:20:18,716
No!
403
00:20:18,841 --> 00:20:20,418
It's who you were.
404
00:20:20,543 --> 00:20:22,420
And if you keep living in the past,
405
00:20:22,545 --> 00:20:24,640
you can't fully live in the present.
406
00:20:24,806 --> 00:20:27,425
Oh, my God.
407
00:20:27,550 --> 00:20:28,853
You're so right.
408
00:20:29,019 --> 00:20:30,521
I've been fixating on the...
409
00:20:30,687 --> 00:20:32,480
One, two, three!
410
00:20:34,490 --> 00:20:35,533
Yes!
411
00:20:35,658 --> 00:20:37,635
The record is all mine!
412
00:20:37,760 --> 00:20:40,829
I'm gonna go tell Hayley
what you said about her.
413
00:20:44,826 --> 00:20:46,244
Let's go home, honey.
414
00:20:46,369 --> 00:20:47,545
I'll catch up with you.
415
00:20:47,670 --> 00:20:49,504
I need a moment.
416
00:20:55,920 --> 00:21:00,551
"Longest Man-on-Man
High School Sports Embrace."
417
00:21:00,717 --> 00:21:02,343
Well, look at that.
418
00:21:02,468 --> 00:21:05,780
I feel sorry for the poor
bastard whose record I beat.
419
00:21:05,905 --> 00:21:07,348
It was mine.
420
00:21:07,515 --> 00:21:08,983
But don't feel bad.
421
00:21:09,108 --> 00:21:11,343
Records were made to be broken.
422
00:21:16,191 --> 00:21:19,069
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
423
00:21:22,364 --> 00:21:23,741
Easy, easy.
424
00:21:23,866 --> 00:21:25,117
Stay in the lines.
425
00:21:29,789 --> 00:21:32,316
Ah, Suzie,
you (bleep) piece of (bleep)!
426
00:21:42,535 --> 00:21:46,055
I don't think this is the
right school for Suzie.
427
00:23:22,541 --> 00:23:23,918
Easy, easy.
428
00:23:24,043 --> 00:23:25,303
Stay in the lines.
429
00:23:29,966 --> 00:23:32,493
Ah, Suzie,
you (bleep) piece of (bleep)!
430
00:23:42,712 --> 00:23:46,281
I don't think this is the
right school for Suzie.