# Good morning, USA! #
# I got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day #
# The sun in the sky has a smile on his face #
# And he's shining a salute to the American race #
# Oh, boy, it's swell to say #
- # Good... # - # Good morning, USA #
Aah!
# Good morning, USA! #
Hey, Stan.
You want to check out this new jazz club tonight?
The Jazzberry Beret?
Wait, did Hot Jazz In Your Face close?
Hot Jazz In Your Face closed a while ago.
People just stopped coming.
Well, I can't go out with you tonight, I'm booked.
On Sunday and Tuesday nights, I hang out at the CIA Chill Zone.
- What's that? - Oh, dude,
it's this killer house that used to be owned by a terrorist cell,
but the CIA took it over, Febreze-ed the hell out of it,
and then turned it into a kick-ass social club.
It's wicked awesome.
Come on, can't you blow it off?
Sorry, babe, my Chill Zone nights are sacred.
Why don't you sign us up for another night?
I have drinks with Klaus tomorrow,
but I can totally blow that off.
Hey...
what's going on in there?
Oh, Stan and I used to be best friends,
but lately all he wants to do is hang out with his buddies.
Listen, Frannie, at a certain point
a man needs to hang out with other people
and get away from his wife because it's boring.
I'm tired of talking to you, and it's only been 20 seconds.
I feel like talking to Klaus, that's how bored I am.
I know there are boring wives out there,
but I'm the fun wife.
You know what?
I'm gonna pick up some brewskies and swing by Stan's Chill Zone
to show him that I can be just as much fun as his friends.
Well, she's gone.
Probably for at least half an hour.
Should we fool around again?
God, Klaus, no.
I told you that was just a 10-time thing.
# And all I keep thinking about is her #
- # In my arms # - # Got to see what love is about #
# And I'll never be the same #
# Until you are mine, oh! #
# Listen to me, let me tell you #
# Why you all coming down on me #
# Trying to tell me how my life is supposed to be #
# I know you're only trying to help me out #
# Trying to show me what life is really about #
# This time I'm gonna make it on my own #
# So why don't you fellas just leave me alone #
# Snot, Berry, Toshi, and Steve #
# If I like the girl, who cares who you like #
# Cool it now #
# Ooh, watch out #
# You're gonna lose control #
# Cool it now #
Thank you!
We are...
Boy Bomb!
You kids did it.
You blew me away.
Lew Schneider, Snot's uncle.
I've been in the recording arts industry
for 13 non-consecutive years.
And we got everything we need
to turn you guys into a successful boy band.
White kid who can sing.
Relatable fat kid.
Asian.
And the pretty boy with the gorgeous punim.
I think you boys are ready to make your first music video.
Yay!
I can't remember the last time
someone else's uncle took a video of me.
Hey, Francine.
Hey, Dick, I thought I'd bring some beers.
Back up! Back up!
No women! Men only!
Calm down.
I said back your ass up!
Okay, okay.
No light beer!
That's girl stuff!
Girls are gross!
Dick, it's cool.
She's gone.
There's no more girls, man.
There's no more girls.
And now I need you to turn over on your side.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, wait.
Okay, it's in.
And now I'm going to turn on the water,
and you're going to feel a little pressure.
Yeah...
It's good.
Real good.
You can turn it up a bit.
All the way.
This ain't my first butt blast.
Ooh, you know what, Liddane, turn it down just a little.
What's the matter, Frannie, you look troubled.
Oh, they wouldn't let me in the Chill Zone
because it's men only.
What on Earth is Stan doing in there
that's so much more fun than hanging out with me?
Well, you could ask him, but he'd have to lie.
Men's clubs are shrouded in secrecy.
Aw, Puddin, you know you're not allowed outdoors.
Put her back in there; she's an inside cat.
What was I saying?
Oh yes, men's clubs are shrouded in secrecy.
But luckily, I know a way around that.
What do you want?
I'm Frank.
From the Chicago office.
Hey, Frank, I'm Dick.
Welcome to the Chill Zone; let me get you a beer.
I told him.
That is what I told him
Roger, you forgot to button the top of my man costume.
But it worked, I'm in.
Sorry dude, wrong number.
You sound hot.
How old are you?
No, Roger, it's me, Francine.
You can't pretend to be a runaway teen for one minute?
After all I've done for you?
I-I don't know what to say.
It's easy, just say, "Hi, my name's Tyler.
"I'm 17, I'm lost and cold,
"and my parents don't understand me.
"Can you help me?
"I just need a warm bed for a few nights
before I head to California to become a surf model."
Hello?
It's still me, Francine.
Oh, so you got into the Chill Zone.
That's great.
Hey, can you put Tyler back on?
Um, hello?
Is this someone who can help me?
This is some place you got.
As a man and not a woman,
I feel really comfortable here.
I have equipped you with a mechanical voice box
that will disguise your voice and make you sound like a man.
I've also given you a micropenis like most Chicago men.
I got to say, I'm having trouble believing you're from Chicago.
Yeah? Why?
Because it's so exciting.
Imagine that! Chicago, Chicago!
Cha-cha cha, cha-cha cha cha.
Chicago.
Illinois.
Hey, Stan.
I'm Frank from Chicago.
What's your name?
Uh, you just said it.
Sounds like you know what you're talking about, brother.
I want to party with this guy.
Welcome aboard, new guy.
I'd shake your hand,
but these wise guys handcuffed me for a goof.
They're goofing me good.
Hey, what part of Chicago are you from?
Wh-What's with the third degree?
You think I'm a woman in a costume?
Is that what you think?
Do I got to pull sausage on you?
Whoa, I want some of that.
Attaboy, Sanders.
Open wide.
Oh, I see you've started your fun without me.
Thanks for waiting.
Who-who are all these guys?
I was up all night
thinking about boys,
and I realized something.
12 boys, one stage.
12 outfits, each one bursting with boy.
This is Boy Jam,
and this is Boyz with Mouthz.
But today I am combining all three bands
to form one super band called
Boyz 12.
Now, I've written one hell of a song.
And I went to Express Men and bought a ton of hot boy clothes.
I'm willing to put my reputation, time,
and money on the line,
but I need to know from all of you
that you will bring it.
Okay, loosen up those throats, boys.
Let's warm up.
# Boyz 12, Boyz 12... #
I can do anything!
I'm a million miles tall!
Is your uncle on drugs?
Probably.
So...
remind me again,
why would we rather be here than at home with our wives?
'Cause here we can do whatever we want.
Wives don't let you drink and play ping pong
in the middle of the damn day.
But dudes,
maybe we should give our wives the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe they'd not only support our fun,
but want to join in as well.
You know,
that sounds like something a woman would say.
I've also equipped your man suit
with a fart machine.
If you ever arouse suspicion, use it.
Farts immediately calm men down and reestablish their trust.
Hilarious!
This guy gets it!
Ah, that fart really calmed me down.
'Sup, mountain douche?
Want to pound a cold one?
Um, what?
I was thinking we were gonna have dinner.
Why is there a ping-pong table in here?
Uh, so we can play beer pong.
I don't understand what's going on here.
What's going on here is...
Shots!
Shots, shots!
Shot-shot, shot-shot!
Shots, shots, shot-shot-shot!
Shot, shot, shot-shot-shot!
Everybody!
Shot, shot, shot, shot-shot-shot!
So...
wh-what time is dinner gonna be?
6:00.
Why doesn't Stan want to have fun with me?
He wanted to do all this stuff at the Chill Zone.
Maybe he just doesn't see you as a friend.
But husbands and wives are best friends.
Ugh, that's just what stupid people
say to each other in their stupid wedding vows.
Please, say that at your wedding,
then play that ukulele version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow."
Real original, Dave.
Ooh, maybe you should get a dog
the year before you have children,
you know, for practice.
Kill yourself Dave, your life's been lived like a billion times.
Francine, as a married woman,
here are your choices for best friend:
Fat woman, cat, gay guy, food.
Wait a minute, I'm Frank.
So when Stan's having fun with Frank,
he's actually having fun with me.
That's it!
I'll hang out with Stan as Frank until we're best friends,
and then I'll reveal myself to him,
and he'll realize he's been married
to his best friend all along.
Francine, you are the smartest, most rational person I know.
I don't see any way this plan isn't going to end perfectly.
Ah, this is great.
Yep-yep-yep, just a couple of guys in the tub,
soft boilin' they eggs.
Soft boilin' they eggs.
Hey, check this out.
Yo, Dick!
We sure have fun, huh?
We sure do.
Hey, I just heard the new joke!
What's black and white and red all over?
Two nuns in a chainsaw fight?
Nuns!
No.
I wanted to do the joke.
Well, we're laughing at ya.
Oh, God, shot at the boss!
Frank, you're the best!
Uh, Frank, you're leaking.
Your belly button is leaking...
No one's that perfect and farts that deep.
Time to find out who this Frank really is.
Da CIA, Chicago, how can I help you?
This is Deputy Director Bullock from Langley.
I'm calling about Frank.
Yeah, just a sec.
Dis is Frank.
How are you there?
You're in Virginia.
That's not true because I'm in Chicago.
I'm looking at you right now.
Well, then, you must be in Chicago.
No, you transferred to Virginia and you're here now.
I have heard enough!
I am not going to stand here
and let you tell me where I am when I know exactly where I am!
Chi... ca... go!
Frank, calm down.
Ya heart!
No! I will not calm down!
You tell him, Frank!
Let me handle this, Gary!
Smith!
Would you join me inside for a moment?
Whoa!
I almost slipped.
We gotta put some towels down.
After doing some research on Frank,
I've discovered that he is not who he claims to be.
What? Who is he?
I don't know yet.
I feel like his name might be Ricky.
But what I do know for sure
is that he has infiltrated a CIA facility and must die.
I can't believe Frank would do this.
Yes, well, since you and Frank are such besties,
I thought you should kill him.
Frank, can you come here?
Frank, I want you and Smith to go on a beer run.
Alone.
Awesome!
I've been hoping to spend some alone time with Stan!
Go for Bullock.
Oh!
Why didn't I lay down some towels?
This is fun, right?
Just a couple buddies, out on a beer run.
Hmm... what?
I'm just saying, Bullock chose us to go on the beer run.
He must think we're best friends or something.
Hey, where are we going?
I know the truth about you.
You do?!
So...
what do you think?
I'm shocked.
I thought I knew you.
Baby, it's still me.
Don't you see how great this is for us?
Us?
There is no us. Not anymore.
- But Stan...! - The only "but" is the butt of my gun.
What?
Just know it was super clever.
Girl, you're gonna feel a little prick.
# Girl, you need a shot of B12 #
# You know you do #
# You got B12 flowin' through your system #
# Better lose that boyfriend before I fist him #
# B12'll make you feel all bright and alert #
# Lay down on my bed and take off ya shirt #
# Boyz 12, the biggest boy band and that's for sure #
# More boys than I think you've ever seen before! #
# Dark leafy greens'll give you other things #
# But you get B12 when my man sings! #
# Oh, girl, you need a shot of B12... #
Break it down!
I'm B1, and I'm tons of fun.
I'm B2, I wanna get with you.
I'm B3, you wanna be with me.
I'm B4, and I'll make you sore.
I'm B5, I make you feel alive.
I'm B6, I pick up sticks.
I'm B7, I'll take you to heaven.
I'm B8 and I am great!
I'm B9, and I'm so fine.
I'm B10, I remember when.
I'm B11, I'm in love with B7.
I'm B12, and we're Boyz 12.
# Girl, you need a shot of B12 #
# You know you do! #
Roll Call!
- Barry! - Georgey!
- Toshi! - TJ!
- Parker! - Steve!
- Snot! - Victor!
- Abraham! - Boris!
- Abraham H! - And Constantine!
# Girl, you need a shot of B12 #
Let's hear about the boyz!
- Fat boy! - Bad boy!
- Japanese! - My sister died!
- I'm sweet! - I can sing!
- Gorgeous! - I'm B8,
I've got the penis of a man!
- My parents got divorced! - Hypoglycemic!
- I'm grumpy! - I'm sleepy!
And together we are--
# Boyz 12 #
# Girl, you need a shot of B12 #
# You know you do #
# Girl, you want a shot of Boyz 12 #
# It's o... ver... due! #
Well?
Come on, come on.
Lew, it's fantastic!
Yeah, Uncle Lew, it's really great.
I think you've done it.
Lewwwww Schneider.
Uh-huh.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
That was my janitor friend at Arista.
They just signed a new boy band.
Boyz 13.
One more boy than we have.
It'll be okay, we just need to add two more boys.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Oh, my God!
Mom, you were right.
Your brother.
He killed himself.
Told ya!
I can't believe you're doing this.
I can't believe you'd kill your wife.
What did you say about my wife?
Francine...
Did you do something to Francine?!
Why do you have her phone?
What did you do with my wife?
You killed her, didn't you!
She's the most important thing in the world to me
and you took her away!
You're an animal.
You are a beast!
She was the love of my life!
My soul mate.
My best friend!
Don't you smile at me, you sick!
My half brother is Native American,
so I am going to scalp you and watch you die!
You took her hair?!
You sicko!
Francine, you're alive!
And you're inside Frank!
Frank ate you?!
Wait, no, no, what's going on...
Why?
Why did you do this?
To spend time with you.
I was worried you didn't think I was fun.
Baby, are you crazy?
Just because I hang out with other people
doesn't mean I don't want to spend time with you.
Sometimes a man needs guy time.
But all the time he needs his woman!
Oh, Stan.
Oh, my God! What happened?
D-D-Did he hurt you?
Hey! She's fine. We're fine.
She doesn't look fine.
Are you ready to die over this?
Seriously?
Is this how you want your hike to end?
Hi, I'm Jon Hamm.
Over a hundred percent of all domestic disputes
are just two people trying to work stuff out.
You getting involved isn't gonna help.
You don't know what's going on.
I don't care what you think you see,
just keep your eyes down and keep walking.
For more information on how to not get involved,
go to www.DontBeAHero.com.